out in the field risking his life for you

Fox News Anchor Tells Of Living Among ‘Radical Vegetarians’ In Park Slope, Brooklyn

you love it todd

Cuddly southern man, Fox News employee and likely Tea Party embed Todd Starnes recently decided to move to — of all places — Park Slope, Brooklyn! His employer has this amusing online feature called “City Rant!,” in which members of the public are supposed to write in or videotape themselves ranting about New York, which comes easily to most. But no wants to “City Rant!” on Fox News’s website. And so the only people that Fox can seem to get to rant is actual Fox News employees. So here is Todd, Fox News anchor and radio host! He has a voice for radio, and he wants to rant about how he loves “shade trees” but hates liberals. He is fond of “A Tree Grows In Brooklyn” but was pleasantly surprised to find that trees do grow in Brooklyn. Now he can touch them every day, and they are shady, too. But the problem is, he is in the 0.1 percent in Park Slope, as a Southern conservative man, walking among the vegan ice-creaming-hating rally stroller racers. Hear his cry.

Here is Todd’s introduction:

We are introducing a new City Ranter. He’s Todd Starnes — author, anchor and commentator for Fox News and Fox News Radio. Todd is also a dyed-in-the-wool Southerner who recently landed in Park Slope, Brooklyn, which may explain why he’s still in shock over some of the things New Yorkers take for granted.

WHATEVER COULD HE MEAN?

Not wanting to live among the snobs of Manhattan, Starnes said he knew “early on” that he wanted to live “right here, in Brooklyn” BECAUSE OF THE FOOD CO-OP!! Geraldo has kindly offered to do his co-op work shifts when he is “working late”!!!! And what about that Swedish espresso bar, Swedish Espresso Bar! Starnes prefers espresso because it is gentler on his stomach, although he has to admit he’s coming around to the pour-over coffee revolution and has gladly waited hours at the Brooklyn Flea for one six-ounce cup of Blue Bottle! Last week he went to the Stumptown in the Ace Hotel for his morning coffee and even asked the barista where he got his suspenders! He later went on Etsy and found a similar pair. Change is good!

Tune in for next week’s City Rant, with real New Yorker and member of the public and Fox news anchor Ernie Anastos! And in two weeks…Rupert Murdoch’s son’s wife’s friend! [Hmm?]

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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120 comments

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Portland gets no respect. Which is pretty much how it should be! Hah! I jest PDX. You guys are at least like the third best city . . . In Oregon.

        1. SorosBot

          However, it's in a three-way tie for hippest, coolest city in the US – in the minds of the city's residents, who won't shut up about how hip it is. (see also : Austen and Seattle).

          1. HateMachine

            Yeah, Portland is sort of obnoxious in that regard. I still want to live there, though, because of the beer.

          2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            Move to Bend. Lots of great beer and way fewer ironic piercings and 1800s facial hair. Plus skiing/hiking/whitewater rafting/ rock climbing, etc.

          3. BornInATrailer

            I'm so annoyed that my long mustache and occasional mutton chops might be considered trendy. You fucking hipsters are why we can't have nice things.

          4. horsedreamer_1

            I went with muttonchops the summer between 11th & 12th grade, in response to Reel Big Fish & their 90210ish sideburns, & in an attempt to kill same. Did not work out how I intended. (Which was, someone as manifestly uncool as me, sporting burnsides, would make the burnsides manifest lack of cool too obvious to ignore.)

          5. zumpie

            Bend's also big time wingnut land—and the few who aren't are just as annoyingly ironic as anyone in PDX. No jobs in Bend, either.

            That said, Stumptown seriously sucks the big monkey, like drinking twigs and mud. The Ace Hotel is a sucky hovel, as well. And everyone here is either a faux hipster, looks like they're about to go camping or (the real majority) dress in boring, faded, old mall clothes like any Flyoverstan.

          6. Negropolis

            This is how Atlanta was in the 00's. I got so damned tired of hearing about Atlanta. Futurama did the best take-down of the city in their episode on the "Lost City of Atlanta" where the citizen-actors kept bragging about their airport. lol

        2. Clungeflaps

          I think Portlandia accurately sums up its target city pretty well, as both are insufferable, tedious, and you find yourself wanting to be anywhere else than there after 5 minutes.

  1. James Michael Curley

    Ernie Anastos has been on more different NYC 'News' shows then the Brooklyn Bridge.

    1. zumpie

      Back in his "investigative reporter" days he was going to do an expose (even showed up with a camera crew) on the tiny hotel that I worked at. A couple of weeks later he was our guest, all comped for the weekend (our busiest time). Expose never aired…..

  2. bikerlaureate

    It's good that there's no such thing as a right-wing radical. That would be scary.

      1. Callyson

        O'Reilly surprised "there was no difference" between Harlem restaurant and other New York restaurants
        Discussing his recent dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton at the Harlem restaurant Sylvia's, Bill O'Reilly reported that he "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship." O'Reilly added: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.' "
        http://mediamatters.org/research/200709210007

  3. Baconzgood

    I'm not going to watch this….If I want to hear a New York fish out of water story I'm going to watch The Cowboy Way with Kiefer Sutherland. It would probably be more enlightening.

  4. Barb

    The Brooklyn Flea is pretty nice. The lines aren't too long and the rats are always wearing proper hairnets.

    1. Deportably_Jose

      I keep on meaning to go to Smourgasburg, on account of it containing my two favorite things: food and booze, but keep on forgetting to, on account of my two other fravorite things: video games and not being a hipster. So instead, I stay in my high-rise, and ride the subway, among the snobs of Manhattan (Spanish Harlem)

    2. Nesnora

      The flea is *amazing*… I love it. Unfortunately like all things, the moment it got really good it got really crowded.

      There is a ton of art, clothing, music, food and weird shit (I bought a baby skull in a bell jar once and didn't ask questions). Plus it's cheap for a poorz like me.

      I always take guests there and they say it was their favorite part of visiting, I recommend it.

  5. SoBeach

    "How was… radical vegetarians?"

    His voice got so high pitched in that sentence only my dog could make out the words in the middle.

  6. Goonemeritus

    Now lets see how well a New York liberal vegetarian Hipster will be assimilated in some of the more conservative parts of the south.

      1. SoBeach

        "I've been to Alabama"

        Ain't a whole lot to see
        Skynyrd says it's a real sweet home
        But it ain't nothin' to me

    1. CapnFatback

      It'll be the MTV update of Green Acres?

      (Yes, this is foreshadowing for the Hillbillies comment below.)

    2. FakaktaSouth

      Dude, you should SEE the hipsters in Birmingham, AL, no shit. They are the MOST "ironic" mofos around. I am not kidding. Not at all. There's a big old contingency. And they're liberal and annoying and vegan and wear ugly ass clothes and all that.

      1. prommie

        I so prefer my liberals in limousines, although of course, I don't mean actual limousines, its not the senior prom.

      2. Negropolis

        You should see the hipsters in Detroit. These guys and gals are the most proto of hipsters. They actually come in and farm half-acre combined lots and shit. When people talk about urban "pioneers", Detroit ain't jokin'. They look just like the Southern migrants that settled in the city in the 20's.

    3. zumpie

      Ummm, some of them do. And unlike stupid wingnuts who refuse to accept when they're a minority, most libruls keep their yaps shut.

  7. IncenseDebate

    There's a place in Park Slope where Russian estheticians do a really awesome Brazillian wax and then give you a hard spank on the ass at the end. Maybe he likes that too?

  8. Chichikovovich

    The life cycle of a desirable NYC neighborhood: 1) seedy area has cheap space so artists move in. 2) Arts-minded liberals and young people follow. 3) Neighborhood flourishes as a lively, intellectual and artistic, safe place to live is built up bit by bit as coffee shops and coops are established. Good walking streets. Neglected parks become places to hang out. 4) Place goes from being cool and avant-garde to being an established "great place to live". 5) Wingnuts appear, bitching about how this would be a fabulous place to live if it weren't for all the goddamned liberals.

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      It could apply to CA if you add 4 1/2– yuppy techies cash in stock options, buy up property and 4 3/4- high rents chase out artsy folks.

    2. zumpie

      You left out trendy, annoying parents move into the neighborhood for cheap housing, displace the poorer people, but still bitch about the crappy schools and "rough" kids their precious Jake and Emma have to go to school with. And promptly send Jake and Emma to private or out of their neighborhood school. And then complain when their neighborhood school is closed because of low enrollment.

  9. SorosBot

    Just a small town boy, living in his lonely world, he takes the midnight train goin' anywhere.

  10. FakaktaSouth

    What? Oh god how are y'all watching this? I had to turn it off at Yessiree Bob. I cannot deal with someone who WANTS people to think we are all a bunch of Gomers. I volunteer to swap with this guy and he can come back to the shade trees and sweet tea, no prob.

  11. Mumbletypeg

    Radical Vegetarians

    Hey Mister Country Mouse turned City Mouse! If I was enrolled in Vegetanarian School but didn't graduate, do I still count among those deserving your ire?

    Swedish Espresso Bar
    Imported Eurotrash Beverage sippers = ELITIST, also.

  12. ElPinche

    My gay-spidey senses are going through the mutharfucking roof at :20-:22 . He'll do fine!

  13. MozakiBlocks

    So I read the headline as "Radical Veterinarians" and was very concerned about the rest of the article.

  14. CivilMcMannerly

    "Swedish Espresso Bar!"

    One kaffe, please. Two lumps of meatball, hold the mjölk… And of course a fermented herring to stir it with. Tack så mycket!

  15. JustPixelz

    Cheer up right-wing guy. People have higher life expectancy in cities — maybe it's the walking everywhere, maybe losing weight to impress those baristas.

  16. Redhead

    That poor, pasty doughboy, with his accent like a whinier (but just as fake) Barney Fife. However will he survive in that awful third world country, surrounded as he is by such hostile and inhumane people?

  17. Baconzgood

    Didn't I see this bit on the episode where Gomer and Sgt. Carter went on leave in New York?

    EDIT: NEEDZ MOAR "SHAZAM" AND "GOOOOOOLLY" TOO ALSO!

  18. KotBR

    I'll place the over/under on the number of Biggie songs this guy can name at .5. Who else would like the under?

    Nice pose, though, dick.

  19. Troglodeity

    "I ordered a bacon cheeseburger … How was I supposed to know the place was run by Radical Vegetarians?"

    Read the god-damned menu, you fucking ignorant Fox News cracker-ass sumbitch.

    1. sullivanst

      Dammit and I even checked I wasn't beaten to this punch but you snuck up on me and blam!

  20. sullivanst

    How was I supposed to know the place was run by radical vegetarians

    I guess reading the menu wasn't on his agenda, what with it involving that elitist activity, "reading".

  21. phlox✔

    "How was I supposed to know that bacon cheezburgers weren't on the menu? Did you expect me to read the menu or something?"
    Also, 'gentrification' = gay.
    It's funny when you make stuff up!

  22. OneYieldRegular

    How would he feel about Warren Zevon's country rant?

    There ain't much to country living
    Sweat, piss, jizz and blood
    Sweet Home Alabama
    Play that dead band song
    Turn those speakers up full blast
    Play it all night long.

  23. Sharkey

    Doesn't Fox have some boilerplate legislation they can ram down the throat of the City Council to fix these atrocious problems?

  24. Guppy

    Local stores cater to the bulk of the neighborhood rather than a single individual? Free market's a bitch, ain't it?

  25. mrblifil

    I'm a member of the food co-op and I often stop in at Konditerei (which is the real name of the "Swedish Espresso Bar"). So I'm going to appeal to authority here and say: hey doughy falsetto Bush-lovin' mincing swish-case: every so often there's gun violence even on the nice quiet blocks, so just watch your back when you get back from your late night jaunts along the Prospect Park footpaths lookin' to satisfy your craving for down-home West Indian tubesteak. Also there's about 9 new burger joints. Literally. 9. So shut-the-fuck-up. No wonder your bosses don't want you living among them in Manhattan.

  26. HelmutNewton

    I don't know from Park Slope. But after watching this, I'm guessing there are a lot of rent-boys available.

  27. eekahil

    That is just about the most dutchbaggy thing I have ever seen. At least today.
    As they say in the The New Yorker cartoon captions, "Christ. What an asshole."

  28. metamarcisf

    This guy won't have credibillity until he gets in a fistfight at the beer stand during a Rangers game.

  29. DahBoner

    Since the average rent for a 2-bedroom in Park Slope is $2275 a month, I think the only thing "radical" about these vegetarians is the size of their inheritance…

    1. zumpie

      That's what i was thinking. Park Slope was last kinda affordable when I was in high school (I'm 46). My husband and I lived on the outskirts over 20 years ago and even then paid $900 per month for a 1 bedroom.

  30. ttommyunger

    He looks like he has a yen for the rough trade; a definite "bottom" with some pain thrown in for shits and grins. He's prolly found a home, all right.

  31. JohnnyBrooklyn

    Hey, I live in Park Slope!!!!

    Should mention though that there are no vegetarian diners in the neighborhood. An honest mistake by Fox's usually meticulous fact checkers. Hell, they've been batting a thousand since that other little glitch about WMDs in Iraq. No harm no foul guys – keep up the good work!

  32. Negropolis

    They actually call it City Rant?

    Hell, they should call it "You Dirty Fucking Hippies Get Off My Damned Lawn!"

    Well, there goes the neighborhood.

    EDIT: Watched the video. He's so (seemingly, at least) out of his element, that I'm not even mad. lol

  33. Nesnora

    LOL @ Park Slope being hipster… he couldn't have picked a more prudish, boring and very, very expensive place to live filled with mostly white people that can afford the million dollar properties there.

    I live in Windsor Terrace (south of Park Slope), and this man is full of fucking shit. I'm a poorz frequenting 7th ave for pizza and mah alcohols there and he simply doesn't look weird enough for his poorly recounted fantasy to add up. Part of living in NYC in general is that NOTHING makes people blink anymore (except cops) as far as race/accent/clothing/mannerisms/asshattery is concerned.

    Also I've been in that "hipster" coffee shop and that is also full of shit. The people there are nice and kind of have to be when those kind of minimum wage jobs are so competitive.

    He didn't even pick the actual most liberal part of Brooklyn (Williamsburg) because his toolbaggery made him settle down in the rich white people neighborhood.

  34. EBGrey

    Two thoughts regarding "Mr. Starnes and his stay in Park Slope:

    1. Mr. Starnes seems to be the only conservative left on the planet that is willing to acknowledge the existence of George W. Bush

    2 . My hunch is that Mr. Stranes is definitely enjoying being "bone-eh-fied" during his stay in Park Slope.

  35. Johnny_Fever

    ok… seriously… what's this guy going to do when he finaly accepts the fact he's gay. I mean, come on, am I the only person who thinks he's repressing something

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