Fox News Anchor Tells Of Living Among ‘Radical Vegetarians’ In Park Slope, Brooklyn

by Liz Colville

you love it todd

Cuddly southern man, Fox News employee and likely Tea Party embed Todd Starnes recently decided to move to — of all places — Park Slope, Brooklyn! His employer has this amusing online feature called “City Rant!,” in which members of the public are supposed to write in or videotape themselves ranting about New York, which comes easily to most. But no wants to “City Rant!” on Fox News’s website. And so the only people that Fox can seem to get to rant is actual Fox News employees. So here is Todd, Fox News anchor and radio host! He has a voice for radio, and he wants to rant about how he loves “shade trees” but hates liberals. He is fond of “A Tree Grows In Brooklyn” but was pleasantly surprised to find that trees do grow in Brooklyn. Now he can touch them every day, and they are shady, too. But the problem is, he is in the 0.1 percent in Park Slope, as a Southern conservative man, walking among the vegan ice-creaming-hating rally stroller racers. Hear his cry.

Here is Todd’s introduction:

We are introducing a new City Ranter. He’s Todd Starnes — author, anchor and commentator for Fox News and Fox News Radio. Todd is also a dyed-in-the-wool Southerner who recently landed in Park Slope, Brooklyn, which may explain why he’s still in shock over some of the things New Yorkers take for granted.

WHATEVER COULD HE MEAN?

Not wanting to live among the snobs of Manhattan, Starnes said he knew “early on” that he wanted to live “right here, in Brooklyn” BECAUSE OF THE FOOD CO-OP!! Geraldo has kindly offered to do his co-op work shifts when he is “working late”!!!! And what about that Swedish espresso bar, Swedish Espresso Bar! Starnes prefers espresso because it is gentler on his stomach, although he has to admit he’s coming around to the pour-over coffee revolution and has gladly waited hours at the Brooklyn Flea for one six-ounce cup of Blue Bottle! Last week he went to the Stumptown in the Ace Hotel for his morning coffee and even asked the barista where he got his suspenders! He later went on Etsy and found a similar pair. Change is good!

Tune in for next week’s City Rant, with real New Yorker and member of the public and Fox news anchor Ernie Anastos! And in two weeks…Rupert Murdoch’s son’s wife’s friend! [Hmm?]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 120 comments }

freakishlywrong April 4, 2012 at 1:30 pm

He's got a few bodyguards, right?

edgydrifter April 4, 2012 at 1:30 pm

The Todd doth protest too much, methinks.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Go back to jersey ya moron!!!!

anniegetyerfun April 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Oh, you poor East Coast fuckers. You've bought into the Stumptown thing, too?

edgydrifter April 4, 2012 at 1:35 pm

It's worse than that. They claim they discovered Stumptown.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Um, no; no clue what the fuck Stumptown is.

Designer_Rants April 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Me neither, even after reading this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stumptown
Did Dutch traders purchase Manhattan from Indians with stumps?

Deportably_Jose April 4, 2012 at 2:01 pm

No, I'm pretty sure it was for Womp Rats. Which the traders had bulls-eyed in their T-16s, earlier that day.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Portland gets no respect. Which is pretty much how it should be! Hah! I jest PDX. You guys are at least like the third best city . . . In Oregon.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 1:57 pm

However, it's in a three-way tie for hippest, coolest city in the US – in the minds of the city's residents, who won't shut up about how hip it is. (see also : Austen and Seattle).

HateMachine April 4, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Yeah, Portland is sort of obnoxious in that regard. I still want to live there, though, because of the beer.

Negropolis April 5, 2012 at 2:02 am

This is how Atlanta was in the 00's. I got so damned tired of hearing about Atlanta. Futurama did the best take-down of the city in their episode on the "Lost City of Atlanta" where the citizen-actors kept bragging about their airport. lol

Clungeflaps April 4, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I think Portlandia accurately sums up its target city pretty well, as both are insufferable, tedious, and you find yourself wanting to be anywhere else than there after 5 minutes.

James Michael Curley April 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Ernie Anastos has been on more different NYC 'News' shows then the Brooklyn Bridge.

zumpie April 4, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Back in his "investigative reporter" days he was going to do an expose (even showed up with a camera crew) on the tiny hotel that I worked at. A couple of weeks later he was our guest, all comped for the weekend (our busiest time). Expose never aired…..

bikerlaureate April 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

It's good that there's no such thing as a right-wing radical. That would be scary.

pukebot April 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

waterbard that mother fucker with some organic free trade green tea

Generation[redacted] April 4, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Why tea? Was wheat grass juice banned by international treaty?

Callyson April 4, 2012 at 1:59 pm

O'Reilly surprised "there was no difference" between Harlem restaurant and other New York restaurants
Discussing his recent dinner with Rev. Al Sharpton at the Harlem restaurant Sylvia's, Bill O'Reilly reported that he "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship." O'Reilly added: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.' "
http://mediamatters.org/research/200709210007

NellCote71 April 4, 2012 at 2:56 pm

You mean waterbed, right?

freakishlywrong April 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Not to worry R-Word, the librulz love the gayz.

weejee April 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

The damn terrorist vegans, a gob of tofu in one hand and a vintage Kalashnikov in the other.

JustPixelz April 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Worse, they don't even eat what they kill with those Kalashnikovs.

Crank_Tango April 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I wouldn't eat closeted southern transplants with sensitive stomachs either.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I'm not going to watch this….If I want to hear a New York fish out of water story I'm going to watch The Cowboy Way with Kiefer Sutherland. It would probably be more enlightening.

mediahohoho April 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

You don't have to be an idiot to work for Fox News. But it helps.

Barb April 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

The Brooklyn Flea is pretty nice. The lines aren't too long and the rats are always wearing proper hairnets.

Deportably_Jose April 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I keep on meaning to go to Smourgasburg, on account of it containing my two favorite things: food and booze, but keep on forgetting to, on account of my two other fravorite things: video games and not being a hipster. So instead, I stay in my high-rise, and ride the subway, among the snobs of Manhattan (Spanish Harlem)

Nesnora April 5, 2012 at 11:45 am

The flea is *amazing*… I love it. Unfortunately like all things, the moment it got really good it got really crowded.

There is a ton of art, clothing, music, food and weird shit (I bought a baby skull in a bell jar once and didn't ask questions). Plus it's cheap for a poorz like me.

I always take guests there and they say it was their favorite part of visiting, I recommend it.

slithytoves April 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Are the trees that grow in Brooklyn just the right height or not?

Infrogmation April 4, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Obviously not, or the place would vote Republican. Blame the trees, Mitt!

Sharkey April 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Vegans are allowed to use baseball bats, right?

SoBeach April 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm

"How was… radical vegetarians?"

His voice got so high pitched in that sentence only my dog could make out the words in the middle.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 1:35 pm

He looks like some sort of hay seed that would do a "Seinfeld" tour.

Sharkey April 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Visiting all the public restrooms in the city?

Designer_Rants April 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Glory Hole Tourism.

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Omigod, I moved to the city and found things that are found in cities. Ugh!

Goonemeritus April 4, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Now lets see how well a New York liberal vegetarian Hipster will be assimilated in some of the more conservative parts of the south.

Franknflower April 4, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I've been to Alabama.

Franknflower April 4, 2012 at 1:46 pm

They ran me out of the state with torches and pitch forks.

SoBeach April 4, 2012 at 2:08 pm

"I've been to Alabama"

Ain't a whole lot to see
Skynyrd says it's a real sweet home
But it ain't nothin' to me

CapnFatback April 4, 2012 at 1:45 pm

It'll be the MTV update of Green Acres?

(Yes, this is foreshadowing for the Hillbillies comment below.)

FakaktaSouth April 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Dude, you should SEE the hipsters in Birmingham, AL, no shit. They are the MOST "ironic" mofos around. I am not kidding. Not at all. There's a big old contingency. And they're liberal and annoying and vegan and wear ugly ass clothes and all that.

prommie April 4, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I so prefer my liberals in limousines, although of course, I don't mean actual limousines, its not the senior prom.

Negropolis April 5, 2012 at 2:06 am

You should see the hipsters in Detroit. These guys and gals are the most proto of hipsters. They actually come in and farm half-acre combined lots and shit. When people talk about urban "pioneers", Detroit ain't jokin'. They look just like the Southern migrants that settled in the city in the 20's.

zumpie April 4, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Ummm, some of them do. And unlike stupid wingnuts who refuse to accept when they're a minority, most libruls keep their yaps shut.

Schmannnity April 4, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Truman Capote lives!

horsedreamer_1 April 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Harper Lee rejoices.

IncenseDebate April 4, 2012 at 1:37 pm

There's a place in Park Slope where Russian estheticians do a really awesome Brazillian wax and then give you a hard spank on the ass at the end. Maybe he likes that too?

anniegetyerfun April 4, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Sigh. I do miss New York sometimes.

James Michael Curley April 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Sounds like most of any of the establishments in Brighton Beach.

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 9:12 am

Happy endings ?

Sharkey April 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm

More like SHITTY RANT.

JerkCade April 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

amirite?

RedneckMuslin April 4, 2012 at 1:54 pm

They film the shitty rant in Chinatown.

Chichikovovich April 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The life cycle of a desirable NYC neighborhood: 1) seedy area has cheap space so artists move in. 2) Arts-minded liberals and young people follow. 3) Neighborhood flourishes as a lively, intellectual and artistic, safe place to live is built up bit by bit as coffee shops and coops are established. Good walking streets. Neglected parks become places to hang out. 4) Place goes from being cool and avant-garde to being an established "great place to live". 5) Wingnuts appear, bitching about how this would be a fabulous place to live if it weren't for all the goddamned liberals.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Wingnuts=Yuppies?

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

You have also just described the life cycle of a desirable blog comment section.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 1:54 pm

6) go back to step one.

GeorgiaBurning April 4, 2012 at 2:01 pm

It could apply to CA if you add 4 1/2– yuppy techies cash in stock options, buy up property and 4 3/4- high rents chase out artsy folks.

zumpie April 4, 2012 at 7:08 pm

You left out trendy, annoying parents move into the neighborhood for cheap housing, displace the poorer people, but still bitch about the crappy schools and "rough" kids their precious Jake and Emma have to go to school with. And promptly send Jake and Emma to private or out of their neighborhood school. And then complain when their neighborhood school is closed because of low enrollment.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Just a small town boy, living in his lonely world, he takes the midnight train goin' anywhere.

FakaktaSouth April 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm

What? Oh god how are y'all watching this? I had to turn it off at Yessiree Bob. I cannot deal with someone who WANTS people to think we are all a bunch of Gomers. I volunteer to swap with this guy and he can come back to the shade trees and sweet tea, no prob.

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Wait'll he finds out that Park Slope ain't part of Chinatown.

teebob2000 April 4, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I was thinking more like Little Saigon.

CapnFatback April 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Park Slope? The censors would have also accepted "Koreatown."

horsedreamer_1 April 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Subtle.

Mumbletypeg April 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Radical Vegetarians

Hey Mister Country Mouse turned City Mouse! If I was enrolled in Vegetanarian School but didn't graduate, do I still count among those deserving your ire?

Swedish Espresso Bar
Imported Eurotrash Beverage sippers = ELITIST, also.

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Dammit! Now you made me want some Blue Bottle. Mmm…..yum.

ElPinche April 4, 2012 at 1:41 pm

My gay-spidey senses are going through the mutharfucking roof at :20-:22 . He'll do fine!

Wile E. Quixote April 4, 2012 at 2:21 pm

His next report will be from Fire Island.

ElPinche April 4, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I hope so. I say get out, be free, and show your pride, Todd !!!

EBGrey April 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Only then will he be a truly "bone-a-fied" conservative!

ManchuCandidate April 4, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Why didn't they call it "Old Man (at heart and mind) Yells at Clouds"?

MozakiBlocks April 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

So I read the headline as "Radical Veterinarians" and was very concerned about the rest of the article.

Mumbletypeg April 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

ha! (see above)

But I'm not sure anyone 'got' mine.

CivilMcMannerly April 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

"Swedish Espresso Bar!"

One kaffe, please. Two lumps of meatball, hold the mjölk… And of course a fermented herring to stir it with. Tack så mycket!

JustPixelz April 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Cheer up right-wing guy. People have higher life expectancy in cities — maybe it's the walking everywhere, maybe losing weight to impress those baristas.

Redhead April 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

That poor, pasty doughboy, with his accent like a whinier (but just as fake) Barney Fife. However will he survive in that awful third world country, surrounded as he is by such hostile and inhumane people?

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Didn't I see this bit on the episode where Gomer and Sgt. Carter went on leave in New York?

EDIT: NEEDZ MOAR "SHAZAM" AND "GOOOOOOLLY" TOO ALSO!

CapnFatback April 4, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Someone's got a touch of the Beverly Hillbillies Syndrome!

KotBR April 4, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I'll place the over/under on the number of Biggie songs this guy can name at .5. Who else would like the under?

Nice pose, though, dick.

Troglodeity April 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

"I ordered a bacon cheeseburger … How was I supposed to know the place was run by Radical Vegetarians?"

Read the god-damned menu, you fucking ignorant Fox News cracker-ass sumbitch.

sullivanst April 4, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Dammit and I even checked I wasn't beaten to this punch but you snuck up on me and blam!

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 9:19 am

Maybe the sign out side could have given him a hint.

SayItWithWookies April 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I found that video shocking — somebody actually bought Dubya's book?

GeorgiaBurning April 4, 2012 at 2:05 pm

on clearance at the dollar store.

Exhausted66 April 4, 2012 at 2:08 pm

It was 30% off.

sullivanst April 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

How was I supposed to know the place was run by radical vegetarians

I guess reading the menu wasn't on his agenda, what with it involving that elitist activity, "reading".

phlox✔ April 4, 2012 at 1:49 pm

"How was I supposed to know that bacon cheezburgers weren't on the menu? Did you expect me to read the menu or something?"
Also, 'gentrification' = gay.
It's funny when you make stuff up!

OneYieldRegular April 4, 2012 at 1:54 pm

How would he feel about Warren Zevon's country rant?

There ain't much to country living
Sweat, piss, jizz and blood
Sweet Home Alabama
Play that dead band song
Turn those speakers up full blast
Play it all night long.

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 9:20 am

I still miss Warren

Sharkey April 4, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Doesn't Fox have some boilerplate legislation they can ram down the throat of the City Council to fix these atrocious problems?

Poindexter718 April 4, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Left the Slope in 2006 and always felt a tinge of nostalgia–till just now.

GeorgiaBurning April 4, 2012 at 2:03 pm

What next, Fox brings back reruns of "McCloud"?

Guppy April 4, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Local stores cater to the bulk of the neighborhood rather than a single individual? Free market's a bitch, ain't it?

Exhausted66 April 4, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I knew Faux news would eventually come up with their own version of SNL's Stefon.

GeorgiaBurning April 4, 2012 at 2:08 pm

or Borat

mrblifil April 4, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I'm a member of the food co-op and I often stop in at Konditerei (which is the real name of the "Swedish Espresso Bar"). So I'm going to appeal to authority here and say: hey doughy falsetto Bush-lovin' mincing swish-case: every so often there's gun violence even on the nice quiet blocks, so just watch your back when you get back from your late night jaunts along the Prospect Park footpaths lookin' to satisfy your craving for down-home West Indian tubesteak. Also there's about 9 new burger joints. Literally. 9. So shut-the-fuck-up. No wonder your bosses don't want you living among them in Manhattan.

HelmutNewton April 4, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I don't know from Park Slope. But after watching this, I'm guessing there are a lot of rent-boys available.

eekahil April 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

That is just about the most dutchbaggy thing I have ever seen. At least today.
As they say in the The New Yorker cartoon captions, "Christ. What an asshole."

HeadsIWin April 4, 2012 at 2:52 pm

mugger's meat

metamarcisf April 4, 2012 at 2:54 pm

This guy won't have credibillity until he gets in a fistfight at the beer stand during a Rangers game.

HogeyeGrex April 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm

"Voice for radio"?

Yeah, and a face for radio, too.

DahBoner April 4, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Since the average rent for a 2-bedroom in Park Slope is $2275 a month, I think the only thing "radical" about these vegetarians is the size of their inheritance…

zumpie April 4, 2012 at 7:13 pm

That's what i was thinking. Park Slope was last kinda affordable when I was in high school (I'm 46). My husband and I lived on the outskirts over 20 years ago and even then paid $900 per month for a 1 bedroom.

starfanglednut April 4, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Still too much.

Neoyorquino April 4, 2012 at 6:38 pm

I've watched the video, but all I can hear is this: http://youtu.be/tuHezFweJ40

elfgoldsackring April 4, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Damn, looks like he was only one bacon cheeseburger away from death, too.

ttommyunger April 4, 2012 at 8:47 pm

He looks like he has a yen for the rough trade; a definite "bottom" with some pain thrown in for shits and grins. He's prolly found a home, all right.

JohnnyBrooklyn April 4, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Hey, I live in Park Slope!!!!

Should mention though that there are no vegetarian diners in the neighborhood. An honest mistake by Fox's usually meticulous fact checkers. Hell, they've been batting a thousand since that other little glitch about WMDs in Iraq. No harm no foul guys – keep up the good work!

Negropolis April 5, 2012 at 1:58 am

They actually call it City Rant?

Hell, they should call it "You Dirty Fucking Hippies Get Off My Damned Lawn!"

Well, there goes the neighborhood.

EDIT: Watched the video. He's so (seemingly, at least) out of his element, that I'm not even mad. lol

Nesnora April 5, 2012 at 11:40 am

LOL @ Park Slope being hipster… he couldn't have picked a more prudish, boring and very, very expensive place to live filled with mostly white people that can afford the million dollar properties there.

I live in Windsor Terrace (south of Park Slope), and this man is full of fucking shit. I'm a poorz frequenting 7th ave for pizza and mah alcohols there and he simply doesn't look weird enough for his poorly recounted fantasy to add up. Part of living in NYC in general is that NOTHING makes people blink anymore (except cops) as far as race/accent/clothing/mannerisms/asshattery is concerned.

Also I've been in that "hipster" coffee shop and that is also full of shit. The people there are nice and kind of have to be when those kind of minimum wage jobs are so competitive.

He didn't even pick the actual most liberal part of Brooklyn (Williamsburg) because his toolbaggery made him settle down in the rich white people neighborhood.

EBGrey April 5, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Two thoughts regarding "Mr. Starnes and his stay in Park Slope:

1. Mr. Starnes seems to be the only conservative left on the planet that is willing to acknowledge the existence of George W. Bush

2 . My hunch is that Mr. Stranes is definitely enjoying being "bone-eh-fied" during his stay in Park Slope.

Johnny_Fever April 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

ok… seriously… what's this guy going to do when he finaly accepts the fact he's gay. I mean, come on, am I the only person who thinks he's repressing something

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Move to Bend. Lots of great beer and way fewer ironic piercings and 1800s facial hair. Plus skiing/hiking/whitewater rafting/ rock climbing, etc.

BornInATrailer April 4, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I'm so annoyed that my long mustache and occasional mutton chops might be considered trendy. You fucking hipsters are why we can't have nice things.

zumpie April 4, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Bend's also big time wingnut land—and the few who aren't are just as annoyingly ironic as anyone in PDX. No jobs in Bend, either.

That said, Stumptown seriously sucks the big monkey, like drinking twigs and mud. The Ace Hotel is a sucky hovel, as well. And everyone here is either a faux hipster, looks like they're about to go camping or (the real majority) dress in boring, faded, old mall clothes like any Flyoverstan.

Designer_Rants April 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

IMO: 1800s facial hair is good only if it's a Robber Barron's Mustache.

horsedreamer_1 April 4, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I went with muttonchops the summer between 11th & 12th grade, in response to Reel Big Fish & their 90210ish sideburns, & in an attempt to kill same. Did not work out how I intended. (Which was, someone as manifestly uncool as me, sporting burnsides, would make the burnsides manifest lack of cool too obvious to ignore.)

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