Ooops. Yet another casualty of ALEC’s constant hard-on for making sure you can sodomize yourself with your semi-automatic weapon is Tampa, Florida’s effort to ban guns from the site of the GOP convention in August. NO NOT ALLOWED. DON’T TREAD ON ME, & CETERA.
Just how stupid is Florida? Pretty fucking stupid.
The first draft of Tampa’s proposed temporary ordinance laying out rules for the convention did include restrictions on guns inside the city’s proposed “Clean Zone,” which will cover all of downtown, including a designated protest area.
“It was just kind of common sense,” Assistant City Attorney Mauricio Rodriguez said. “We felt if we’re going to regulate people carrying sticks and poles, why wouldn’t we regulate people carrying firearms, because those could pose significant risks to police and other protesters.”
Well, it would have been common sense, but …
But later, city attorneys removed the ban on guns after finding that Florida Statute 790.33 prohibits local governments from enacting any laws on the sale, purchase, transfer, taxation, manufacture, ownership, possession, storage or transportation of guns or ammunition.
Speaking of which, your editrix and Newell will be partying with the big guns (and presumably their dead hookers) in Tampa, and are looking for twin couches from you, the Beloved Rabble. Scabies-free appreciated! Also appreciated would be not getting murdered with guns, but the law is the law.
[TampaBayTimes, via RawStory]
{ 218 comments }
Just wait until Gingrich goes postal when they don't allow him to speak.
No, no, they're talking about big GUNS, not big guts.
"your editrix and Newell will be partying with the big guns (and presumably their dead hookers) in Tampa, and are looking for twin couches from you,"
Jeter's place will be empty for the season.
St. Jetersburg.
But. But… the DNC's coming to Charlotte! Goddamn it I been baking and freezing (mixing) cupcakes (moonshine) hoping you were going to sleep in my mold pit I hope the bank forecloses on. 152 Days to go! Woooo. DNCNASCARVention MMXII!!!!! http://charlottein2012.com (Seriously lame here, all the hookers have been pre-killed) F*cking pigs have even started running sting ops on pro-dommes and rent boys. (I'm either 1, both, or none of those). Seriously lame. Welcome to Goody Proctor's house of JoyKill and BuzzHarsh. Fo realz talk. Also.
No snark. This is why the Legislature installed panic buttons in both chambers this year because guns cannot be banned from the state house. Top that you Texas weasels.
Oh, the humanity. We lose out to Arizona on the conception thingie on some technicality I still don't understand, Virginia introduces trans-uterus probing of lady parts and now this. What next? Mississippi beats us in education rankings?
Lemme guess … the "panic button" brings a whole lot more guns into the room. Because in Floriduh, there's no problem you can't solve, so long as you have enough gunfire.
Yes, They are thinking of adopting Virginia's forward thinking and conducting transvaginal exams with a Glock 17.
It's raining guns, hallelujah it's rain guns…
It's raining lead, halleluiaaarrrghgggg… *thud*
Sadly, I would not put that past them.
The Florida legislative chamber doesn't have a sprinkler system. In case of fire, they push the panic button and exercise their constitutional rights until the monsoon of blood puts out the fire.
I applaud your finding a practical and most appropriate usage of political blood. It's about time. Kudos to you sir!
But at least they won't let anyone bring a 7-inch piece of string in.
It won't matter anyway since God told me that she will be greeting the attendees with another hurricane this year.
Don't forget the tsunami too, also.
Seriously…..who the fuck thinks, "I am having a convention in August. We have to have it in Florida!" Hilarity will ensue.
Republican National Convention begins Monday, August 27, 2012, and ends Thursday, August 30, 2012
The 2012 Atlantic hurricane season will be an event in the annual cycle of tropical cyclone formation. The season will officially begin on June 1 and end on November 30
Come on, Mother Nature! (Sorry about the collateral damage to any decent Tampans, but sometimes you've got to take one for the team…)
I take it you have never visited Tampa?
Tampa has more character and history than most of Central Florida (faint praise, I know). After Katrina I was told they developed a contingency plan when a major storm threatens to haul the streetcars out of Ybor City inland to high ground. (But who will take in the refugee streetcars afterwards?)
Tampons?
I had the misfortune of attending a conference, in August, in freaking Orlando. You needed a down parka while indoors. Outdoors, the 20 yards between the bus and the convention center left you feeling like a crème brûlée.
Walt Disney willed Orlando into existence out of swampland. I wouldn't want to be there if there's ever a power failure in the chamber where they keep his head.
Does this have something to do with the Man Your Flounder law? That's when you're allowed to pop someone if he stares at your dinner. I know that makes sense in Florida.
Do you have to prove the victim got just desserts? Or can you shoot your dinner companion just for the halibut?
It's just a fluke.
Is there a sturgeon in the room?
Only if it is with a stripped repeater…you know, a bare a coda.
A little forced, but ingenious.
Oh no, look what you've started!
It's a good thing they can't outlaw guns; otherwise, convention officials would be forced to put sleeves on Santorum's sweater vest.
R U SRS? His hips are wider than his shoulders, for fuck's sake, those ain't guns!
Cuz there's no 'sticks and poles' in Teh Constitushon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Manchurian Candidate: The Reality Show!
Mi casa es su casa.
But I still live in DC.
You guys need to get your conceal-carry permits before you go. It's the law or something. Also, get that round of vaccinations you need before you visit Third World Shitholes…..because, well, Florida.
“We felt if we’re going to regulate people carrying sticks and poles, why wouldn’t we regulate people carrying firearms, because those could pose significant risks to police and other protesters.”
So no Festivus Pole for the delegates from Del Boca Vista Phase II?
And apparently no pole dancing either – now how is Bristol gonna get some attention?
Apparently, things you cannot take into the convention include: water pistols, masks, and more than six inches of string.
Good luck keeping Newell in check if you can't keep him reined in on the end of a piece of string!
No water pistols. Just regular pistols. The kind that throw bullets. I want to make sure we're clear here. Actual lethal pistols only. Not that pussy playground shit.
Could not make this shit up.
How about paintball guns, I wonder.
No masks? Are they hoping to see the real Mitt Romney?
Lucky for them that the Rs don't not use shoe laces. Ah, velcro.
Last one standin' is the nominee!
My money is on Mitch Daniels. He has the look of a man who enjoys The Most Dangerous Game.
Perry may still have a chance, especially if he is running against coyotes.
hmm, I'm thinking a comment about karma . . . would just be wrong for my own karma so I'll skip it.
I see what you thought there.
It's right there in Acts 720:33, duh.
And in Romans 30:06.
Hoodies! Hoodies! Get your Romney 2012 hoodies here!
And each "Romney 2012" hoodie comes with a refreshing bottle of Arizona Iced Tea and a bag of Skittles. Get them while they last.
You think Florida is fucked up? Yesterday in Oakland, federal agents raided Oaksterdam U (a medical marijuana dispensary and training school) because OMG STONERS. Something else also happened in Oakland yesterday. Guess which event got the most attention from the feds?
True, but remember what Jeebus said:
Kill 7 people because someone teased you about your poor English skills, you kill for one day.
Teach a man to grow marijuana and he gets stoned for life.
Far out, man.
Dude, you're blowin' my mind…
There's always the chance that people who are high could become extremely non-violent – Feds have their priorities you know.
We felt if we’re going to regulate people carrying sticks and poles
In related news, Lindsey Graham announced he's not attending the convention this year.
What about Mitt's stiffie?
I think the string on his tampon is longer than 6 inches, anyway.
Myrtle Beach has the twigs & berries that go well with — HAM BISCUITS!
I foresee a combination of alcohol, delegates enjoying their "right" to carry a concealed 9-milimeter, and an angry fundie Santorumite / Randian aPaulstle / establishment Romnerian 3-way confrontation may lead to
hilaritytragedy.Tragedy is right, that just leaves Gingrich standing.
Well I'm talking about the candidates' supporters here; Gingrich doesn't have any.
This could be bigger than the OK Corral. I sure hope so.
Pew pew! Pew pew!
{finger guns}
Just think! All the oldz can use the balloons for target practice during the big balloon drop finale. Fun!
• Citywide, there would be a ban on carrying pieces of wood, hard tubes or anything else that could be used as a club, as well as water guns, super soakers, air guns, paintball guns, explosives, switchblades, hatchets, slingshots, brass knuckles, Mace, chains, crowbars, hammers, shovels, or any container containing urine, fecal matter or other bodily fluid.
Presumably because there will be enough shit being flung between the four posturing siamangs onstage at the convention.
any container containing urine, fecal matter or other bodily fluid.
So no used condoms. Got it.
Yet the candidates somehow got, ahem, grandfathered in.
No oldz with colostomy bags allowed in Florida that week.
Also, Santorum is banned from the convention. Clever, Mitt. Well played.
I think that excludes gnewt.
Wait, no one is allowed to use a toilet?
Is a toilet a container? Then, no. You'll have to wait until the cruise ship is out in international waters.
"hard tubes"
Wait, no dildos allowed? I think a lot of delegates will be sorely disappointed.
Bummer, James O'Keefe.
No Internet?
". . . any container containing urine, fecal matter or other bodily fluid."
Does this not prohibit frothy mixtures?
Odd that soda bottles full of gasoline are OK under these rules. Just saying.
Also, great lawn sign, spotted upstate:
"Yeah, whatever.
Romney. 2012."
That period after "Romney" is just so expressive. Pray for rain on election day, because these folks (fully half of the GOPtard base) are so not motivated.
Needs moar crossbows and morningstars.
Come on they are not stupid. They know that a man with a jar of piss is a man with a plan.
Live-blogging from the convention floor!?! Is there any way you could get Riley to come back too and wear his top hat?
Meh, total ripoff of 'Battle Royale'.
"… proposed “Clean Zone"…”
It won't stay clean long when the Repubicans get started.
Note to all you pistol packin' Teabaggers and Paulites: Mitt will be wearing kevlar, and he moves pretty fast, so your your longer-barreled handguns would be the choice here for better accuracy.
Magic Kevlar undies, too also.
I am sad that our Founding Fathers overlooked our right to bear string.
Seriously, are they going to take away the ladies' knitting? I can take pointy steel knitting needles on an airplane, for fuck's sake.
Fellow yarn maniac?
A fan. I suppose if I made better and more complicated things, I'd be a maniac. Also somewhat too poor to buy the really nice yarns.
Welcome to GOP heaven — speech is illegal, but everyone has a gun. And the people who made it this way come here for a week every four years.
Except teh blahs. They should not have guns.
An armed convention is a polite convention.
hahahahahahahahaha
Try not to make too big a fuss about it or they'll remember they still haven't gotten around to mandating that everyone in Florida must be armed at all times.
You can have my pole when you pry it from my stripper's cold, dead hands!
Or from your hot, sweaty thighs?
Sooo messy!
I almost went with exactly that, but the contortion gave me stage fright.
If you have a stripper's cold, dead hands on your pole, you've got a LOT of explaining to do.
Let me just find an ATM…
HAWT!
And it's too late to move the convention to St. Valentines Day.
Sorry, the world ends Dec 21 so it'll be too late.
I know. It would be amusing if someone throws a few firecrackers into the middle of that mass of responsible gun owners.
Barney would be popping off a round, lemme tell ya'.
Anyone heard if Dubya will address the crowd?
I think he's a shoe-in.
Cheney's gonna shoot skeet, so stand in front of him. Its safer.
George says he'd address the crowd if someone would just give him their zip code.
Who?
You wish you could forget that asshole, but his legacy hanuts us to this day and for years to come. Whenever you forget who he is, you'll remember him by the war we're still in.
I prefer to remember Charlton Heston swapping spit with an ape, thank you.
Or meeting Harry Crane in the buff.
I will take care of this Internet World Wide Web site while you are gone.
Nothing says "stable democracy" like a sweaty, agitated mob milling around with guns.
So are they still regulating the sticks and poles? I want to see EVERY sign on the end of a rifle, or some such other shooting weapon. Just nothing but guns, with posters taped to them. THAT would be amazing.
BANG!
That is a delightsome idea.
I'm glad to know the gun rack on my hover-round won't go to waste!
Arm the Bloggers!!1!
Look, you stupid blogger…you've got no arms left!
Uyies ioi hsbve,!,
LOOK!
ITunes jnustr aa floershwouddfn!l1
I'm stumped.
It's intricate. The exchange between King Arthur and the Black Knight who gets all his limbs lopped off, with "blogger" instead of "bastard", and the lines spoken by the Black Knight are typed as if by someone using his nose or other clumsy body part. [look for consecutive letters that also occur together on the keyboard.]
Et voilà:
Look, you stupid blogger…you've got no arms left!
Yes I have!
LOOK!
It's just a flesh wound!
Who dare challenge the Black Knight?
And, also, también, we'll call it a draw.
1. Sit ouside GOP Convention with visible weapon and sign saying "President Obama is doing a reasonably good job".
2. When Republicans shriek insane threats, utilize "stand your ground" law.
3. ?????
4. Profit!
5. Ass-cavity search when booked into jail!
6. Unlawful arrest lawsuit!
(maybe someone should have thought about that before making it legal to murder folks)
3. Book deal?
only worked if you're not blah
Schweet!! . The crowning touch for this whole sideshow would be to have it end up as a wingnut version of "Hunger Games".
Live ammo, liquor and bad tempers. What could possibly go wrong?
From my point of view, the only things that could go wrong are (a) not enough liquor, and/or (b) not enough ammo.
My other stick is a gun.
"This… is my boomstick!"
Think George Zimmerman will show???
He better be packin', given that he's a Hispaniolic.
They'll introduce him from the podium.
Show? Hell, he's giving the keynote!
Hell's Zell will look positively lucid, by comparison.
Only if anyone shows up in a hoodie.
Fucker'll be the keynote speaker.
If not the V.P. nominee.
I would NOT want to be Michael Steele at this event.
I wouldn't mind being WITH him, naked, moist , drunk and at a lesbian bondage club.
Hi, I'm Mikey!
He'll be packin' in his NRA hoodie.
You can have these Ten Commandments when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!
What I find interesting is the fact that most police officers and their leadership hate these stupid gun laws. It's their asses out there and they know it!
I agree. Only the muggers should have guns. Where you find police you will find crime.
There's a part of me that wants a storm just big enough to churn up a couple thousand barrels of BP crude that's maybe still floating around mid-depth in the Gulf, and dump it on the beach.
A storm (fueled by global warming) that dumps in in the convention center would be much, much better.
You know how this happened, right? Big Stick & Pole's lobbying power has been shit ever since John Holmes died.
fingers crossed for a rootin, tootin, shootin convention.
Newton, poop chutin', but no Putin.
Snark 1: It's guns and Florida. Seen it. Taped it. Erased it.
Snark 2: It's a conspiracy that ABC plays the Jewish Hero Saga on Resurrection Sunday, Christians, so don't feel too special because of the religious "programming"
Snark 3: The tablet says "YouAndYourFriendsAreTheOnlyCreepsInThisPlace" (show of hands who can remember)
Are machine-guns permitted?
I was gonna make a comment about a vacancy in Sanford, but I decided I'm not that big of an asshole.
You have to wonder how many rentboys and whores will wind up in the local morgue with single gunshots to the back of the head when delegates decide to go economy class with the local entertainment. Drunk closeted assholes with guns and lots and lots of issues doesn't sound like a recipe for a quiet time down in FloDuh! At least they are a damn good ways away from here.
So, guns are okay but Hoodies are security threats?
http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/…
It's cute when they act like the natural consequence of their policies isn't "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome."
What could possibly go wrong with a pissed-off heavily armed crowd that's probably been drinking too much?
So then Occupy RNCers can carry guns? I guess that is the only way to keep the police officers well behaved then.
Gandhi winces.
Can't wait for those craigslist ads. There's your rooms, Editrix and Newell!
"your editrix and Newell will be partying with the big guns"
Soooo, you and Newell, eh? Heh heh heh, he laughed leeringly.
This could be so awesome. So anybody who feels threatened (and anybody hoping to use medicare or social security should) then they can pretty much just let 'er rip. Like a massive food fight only with guns.
Wait until Dick Cheney hears this…
Back in the Wild West days, even Tombstone, Dodge City and Wichita outlawed carrying guns in town. How idiotic are these Florida people?
In some places, infinity is easy to measure.
Frankly, I hope at least half the GOP delegates openly carry serious firepower at the convention to demonstrate their fetishization of the 2nd Ammendment. That should scare independents and the few remaining thoughtful Republicans right over into Hopey's camp. Might result in a new party, too.
All of the women I know feel threatened with bodily harm from the legislation currently being passed by various Republican legislatures. So.
Big deal. My worry is that maybe I can't not take my tank to a convention.
My couch is over here in South Pasadena, but, y'know, call me.
My couch is in mid-city. I'm soaking in it.
Get your librul hands off my stick! And my pole!
We need some folks at the convention entrance handing out free guns, whiskey, amphetamines and fire crackers.
Four Loko, also too.
And ammo! Lots and lots of ammo.
Sadly, your head line is deceptive. Federal law puts the USSS in charge of conventions, and they set the rules. Thus, no guns at the convention. The Tampa newspaper notes this clearly.
However, outside of the convention, the kerfuffle exists as you describe. Why rile up lefties and make them think guns are in the actual convention? What good comes from that?
Lulz?
Lefties are actually smart enough not to read that into the story. Wingnuts, ehhh, not so much.
States & crazies rights trump all.
Guns don't kill people. Six-inch pieces of string kill people.
If they're going to establish a "Free speech zone" for the exercise of First Amendment rights, it's only proper that they establish a "Free fire zone" for the exercise of Second Amendment rights.
"… it's only proper that they establish a "Free fire zone" for the exercise of Second Amendment rights.
They did. It's called "Florida."
Leave it to Florida! Who brings a stick,or pole to a gun fight?You can't fix stupid !
All these problems would go away if pro-abortion pregnant women would swallow tiny guns so that the fetuses could protect themselves.
I volunteer to house-sit for Rebecca, as long as she has cable and a liberal "drink whatever you want" policy with regard to her liquor cabinet.
"Florida Statute 790.33 prohibits local governments from enacting any laws on the sale, purchase, transfer, taxation, manufacture, ownership, possession, storage or transportation of guns or ammunition."
Except, for some reason, in the convention hall? How does that work?
Answer 1: The pols who pass these shithead laws don't want to put themselves at risk. Which suggests to me that they know full well just how fucking idiotic their gun laws are.
Answwer 2: The Secret Service knows full well just how fucking idiotic their gun laws are.
Correct on all 4 points. Well done.
Can't help you with Florida, but you and Newell are welcome to a couch in Harlem anytime. Also, Los Angeles.
I got 2 extra bedrooms in Tay Ho, Hanoi if you need them.
Wonkette should visit you, en masse, that sounds fantastic!
Did you visit justice upon your fellow traveler last night?
No, I just made sure that the flight attendant loved me and hated him ,so I got my dinner first. I didn't have any carry-on other than my laptop, I just pushed him out of the way as I left the plane, revenge is sweet.
I could fit all 6 Wonketteres in without a problem. If they bring all their friends I could easily get someone to put the other 2 people up.
Who will be the first to use "Stand and Deliver" as their campaign slogan? Rickie or the Newtwit?
May the last man standing be Romney, because robotz don't bleed…
To paraphrase. From San Diego to Tampa an iron curtain of intolerance, ignorance, and stupidity has descended across the Continent.
And somebody noticed?
Speaking of which, your editrix and Newell will be partying with the big guns (and presumably their dead hookers) in Tampa, and are looking for twin couches from you, the Beloved Rabble.
I just checked and, unfortunately, while my Nanna would have loved to have you guys stay with her, her retirement community has a strict "no commies/young people" policy.
Also, too, she doesn't have enough roofies and duct tape for both of you.
*smug satisfaction*
I think that tablet that Chuck is holding translates to “To Serve Man”.
Reap what you sow, motherfuckers; reap what you sow. Your All-Armed, All-the-Time paradise has arrived. Rejoice and be glad in it.
Damn, I always thought it was rape what you sew. Just the thought of sex with new denim kept me straight or limp.
Great, I wanna see Cheney walking in with his new heart and his old rifle.
I'm still allowed my cudgel, right? I was told that there would be cudgels.
Newll's gonna Tampa wid the editrix. Sweet
Speking of Floriduh …. I'm guessing these these aren't selling very well at all.
So in all seriousness, they can stop people carrying water guns and force them to replace them with real guns before letting them enter? I swear I saw this on a parody movie once.
Ah gunz, I get excited thinking about them. Mostly because of the absence of them here. Few police here have them there manhood symbols. Here the big law is called Polite. More people die here from trying to salvage metal from unexploded bombs , meteor hits & lightning than guns.
Yeah, they hate you for your freedom.
Law, shmaw, I always pack and nobody knows it; plus, it's been my experience that in environments where everybody is armed-everybody is super polite and considerate (gun shows, firing ranges, gun stores, etc.).
You are welcome to my guest room. It's quiet and private, but I'm 150 miles from Tampa. That's a long drive, but there are dozens of shops on the route where you can stock up on guns and ammo.
Oh, I am SO ready for some teabagger to say that he feels threatened by Mitt Romney's health care position. This is gonna be like a John Woo movie!
Since I am originally *from* Florida I feel qualified in asking this:
Who is their right friggin' mind would go to Tampa in AUGUST? This has been mentioned before but it bears repeating.
Outside the freezing convention hall the weather will be like a dress rehearsal for Hell.
It's like going to Minneapolis in January. You run from climate-controlled buildings to climate-controlled cars knowing that the weather is waiting to kill you if you make the slightest mistake.
Furst you load the musket balls.
Then you Tampa down your Blah powder…
How does that work again? I think I need a diagram.
Similar to the Live by the Sword/Die by the Sword. But still, freedumbs!
Spray:Pray :: Sow:Reap
Conservatives are aware of this warning, because it comes out of the mouth of Jesus in the Bible (Matthew 26:52), but since it's something only a pussy would say, they know that Jesus wasn't literally talking about swords, but rather penises. So it was a prophecy concerning Bill Clinton, and it sure as hell didn't have anything to do with guns, which Jesus loved.
I'd be laughing my ass off if this supreme court got super literal and ruled that the right to bear arms only applies to one's physical arms. lol
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