pry it from our cold dead hands

Thanks to Hilarious Florida Gun Law, Tampa Cannot Restrict Firearms at GOP Convention

Amendment, Commandment, what's the diff?Ooops. Yet another casualty of ALEC’s constant hard-on for making sure you can sodomize yourself with your semi-automatic weapon is Tampa, Florida’s effort to ban guns from the site of the GOP convention in August. NO NOT ALLOWED. DON’T TREAD ON ME, & CETERA.

Just how stupid is Florida? Pretty fucking stupid.

The first draft of Tampa’s proposed temporary ordinance laying out rules for the convention did include restrictions on guns inside the city’s proposed “Clean Zone,” which will cover all of downtown, including a designated protest area.

“It was just kind of common sense,” Assistant City Attorney Mauricio Rodriguez said. “We felt if we’re going to regulate people carrying sticks and poles, why wouldn’t we regulate people carrying firearms, because those could pose significant risks to police and other protesters.”

Well, it would have been common sense, but …

But later, city attorneys removed the ban on guns after finding that Florida Statute 790.33 prohibits local governments from enacting any laws on the sale, purchase, transfer, taxation, manufacture, ownership, possession, storage or transportation of guns or ammunition.

Speaking of which, your editrix and Newell will be partying with the big guns (and presumably their dead hookers) in Tampa, and are looking for twin couches from you, the Beloved Rabble. Scabies-free appreciated! Also appreciated would be not getting murdered with guns, but the law is the law.

[TampaBayTimes, via RawStory]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. nounverb911

    "your editrix and Newell will be partying with the big guns (and presumably their dead hookers) in Tampa, and are looking for twin couches from you,"

    Jeter's place will be empty for the season.
    St. Jetersburg.

    1. WunkRocker

      But. But… the DNC's coming to Charlotte! Goddamn it I been baking and freezing (mixing) cupcakes (moonshine) hoping you were going to sleep in my mold pit I hope the bank forecloses on. 152 Days to go! Woooo. DNCNASCARVention MMXII!!!!! (Seriously lame here, all the hookers have been pre-killed) F*cking pigs have even started running sting ops on pro-dommes and rent boys. (I'm either 1, both, or none of those). Seriously lame. Welcome to Goody Proctor's house of JoyKill and BuzzHarsh. Fo realz talk. Also.

  2. Schmannnity

    No snark. This is why the Legislature installed panic buttons in both chambers this year because guns cannot be banned from the state house. Top that you Texas weasels.

    1. NellCote71

      Oh, the humanity. We lose out to Arizona on the conception thingie on some technicality I still don't understand, Virginia introduces trans-uterus probing of lady parts and now this. What next? Mississippi beats us in education rankings?

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Lemme guess … the "panic button" brings a whole lot more guns into the room. Because in Floriduh, there's no problem you can't solve, so long as you have enough gunfire.

      1. Schmannnity

        Yes, They are thinking of adopting Virginia's forward thinking and conducting transvaginal exams with a Glock 17.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      The Florida legislative chamber doesn't have a sprinkler system. In case of fire, they push the panic button and exercise their constitutional rights until the monsoon of blood puts out the fire.

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        I applaud your finding a practical and most appropriate usage of political blood. It's about time. Kudos to you sir!

  3. OzoneTom

    But at least they won't let anyone bring a 7-inch piece of string in.

    It won't matter anyway since God told me that she will be greeting the attendees with another hurricane this year.

    1. Gopherit

      Seriously…..who the fuck thinks, "I am having a convention in August. We have to have it in Florida!" Hilarity will ensue.

      1. Callyson

        Republican National Convention begins Monday, August 27, 2012, and ends Thursday, August 30, 2012

        The 2012 Atlantic hurricane season will be an event in the annual cycle of tropical cyclone formation. The season will officially begin on June 1 and end on November 30

        Come on, Mother Nature! (Sorry about the collateral damage to any decent Tampans, but sometimes you've got to take one for the team…)

          1. Infrogmation

            Tampa has more character and history than most of Central Florida (faint praise, I know). After Katrina I was told they developed a contingency plan when a major storm threatens to haul the streetcars out of Ybor City inland to high ground. (But who will take in the refugee streetcars afterwards?)

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I had the misfortune of attending a conference, in August, in freaking Orlando. You needed a down parka while indoors. Outdoors, the 20 yards between the bus and the convention center left you feeling like a crème brûlée.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Walt Disney willed Orlando into existence out of swampland. I wouldn't want to be there if there's ever a power failure in the chamber where they keep his head.

  4. MrFizzy

    Does this have something to do with the Man Your Flounder law? That's when you're allowed to pop someone if he stares at your dinner. I know that makes sense in Florida.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Do you have to prove the victim got just desserts? Or can you shoot your dinner companion just for the halibut?

  5. CapnFatback

    It's a good thing they can't outlaw guns; otherwise, convention officials would be forced to put sleeves on Santorum's sweater vest.

  6. Gopherit

    You guys need to get your conceal-carry permits before you go. It's the law or something. Also, get that round of vaccinations you need before you visit Third World Shitholes…..because, well, Florida.

  7. MissTaken

    “We felt if we’re going to regulate people carrying sticks and poles, why wouldn’t we regulate people carrying firearms, because those could pose significant risks to police and other protesters.”

    So no Festivus Pole for the delegates from Del Boca Vista Phase II?

    1. SorosBot

      And apparently no pole dancing either – now how is Bristol gonna get some attention?

    1. terriblyfamous

      No water pistols. Just regular pistols. The kind that throw bullets. I want to make sure we're clear here. Actual lethal pistols only. Not that pussy playground shit.

    1. terriblyfamous

      My money is on Mitch Daniels. He has the look of a man who enjoys The Most Dangerous Game.

  8. Sue4466

    hmm, I'm thinking a comment about karma . . . would just be wrong for my own karma so I'll skip it.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      And each "Romney 2012" hoodie comes with a refreshing bottle of Arizona Iced Tea and a bag of Skittles. Get them while they last.

    1. MissTaken

      True, but remember what Jeebus said:

      Kill 7 people because someone teased you about your poor English skills, you kill for one day.
      Teach a man to grow marijuana and he gets stoned for life.

    2. BlueStateLibel

      There's always the chance that people who are high could become extremely non-violent – Feds have their priorities you know.

  9. SexySmurf

    We felt if we’re going to regulate people carrying sticks and poles

    In related news, Lindsey Graham announced he's not attending the convention this year.

  10. SorosBot

    I foresee a combination of alcohol, delegates enjoying their "right" to carry a concealed 9-milimeter, and an angry fundie Santorumite / Randian aPaulstle / establishment Romnerian 3-way confrontation may lead to hilarity tragedy.

  11. MissTaken

    Just think! All the oldz can use the balloons for target practice during the big balloon drop finale. Fun!

  12. elviouslyqueer

    • Citywide, there would be a ban on carrying pieces of wood, hard tubes or anything else that could be used as a club, as well as water guns, super soakers, air guns, paintball guns, explosives, switchblades, hatchets, slingshots, brass knuckles, Mace, chains, crowbars, hammers, shovels, or any container containing urine, fecal matter or other bodily fluid.

    Presumably because there will be enough shit being flung between the four posturing siamangs onstage at the convention.

    1. MissTaken

      any container containing urine, fecal matter or other bodily fluid.

      So no used condoms. Got it.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        No oldz with colostomy bags allowed in Florida that week.

        Also, Santorum is banned from the convention. Clever, Mitt. Well played.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Is a toilet a container? Then, no. You'll have to wait until the cruise ship is out in international waters.

    2. SorosBot

      "hard tubes"

      Wait, no dildos allowed? I think a lot of delegates will be sorely disappointed.

    3. montreal_bruin

      ". . . any container containing urine, fecal matter or other bodily fluid."

      Does this not prohibit frothy mixtures?

    4. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Odd that soda bottles full of gasoline are OK under these rules. Just saying.

      Also, great lawn sign, spotted upstate:

      "Yeah, whatever.
      Romney. 2012."

      That period after "Romney" is just so expressive. Pray for rain on election day, because these folks (fully half of the GOPtard base) are so not motivated.

    5. arcane_allusion

      Come on they are not stupid. They know that a man with a jar of piss is a man with a plan.

  13. chascates

    Live-blogging from the convention floor!?! Is there any way you could get Riley to come back too and wear his top hat?

  14. JustPixelz

    "… proposed “Clean Zone"…”

    It won't stay clean long when the Repubicans get started.

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    Note to all you pistol packin' Teabaggers and Paulites: Mitt will be wearing kevlar, and he moves pretty fast, so your your longer-barreled handguns would be the choice here for better accuracy.

  16. orygoon

    I am sad that our Founding Fathers overlooked our right to bear string.

    Seriously, are they going to take away the ladies' knitting? I can take pointy steel knitting needles on an airplane, for fuck's sake.

      1. orygoon

        A fan. I suppose if I made better and more complicated things, I'd be a maniac. Also somewhat too poor to buy the really nice yarns.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Welcome to GOP heaven — speech is illegal, but everyone has a gun. And the people who made it this way come here for a week every four years.

  18. el_donaldo

    Try not to make too big a fuss about it or they'll remember they still haven't gotten around to mandating that everyone in Florida must be armed at all times.

      1. Extemporanus

        Sooo messy!

        I almost went with exactly that, but the contortion gave me stage fright.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          If you have a stripper's cold, dead hands on your pole, you've got a LOT of explaining to do.

    1. OzoneTom

      I know. It would be amusing if someone throws a few firecrackers into the middle of that mass of responsible gun owners.

      1. Negropolis

        You wish you could forget that asshole, but his legacy hanuts us to this day and for years to come. Whenever you forget who he is, you'll remember him by the war we're still in.

  19. edgydrifter

    Nothing says "stable democracy" like a sweaty, agitated mob milling around with guns.

  20. FakaktaSouth

    So are they still regulating the sticks and poles? I want to see EVERY sign on the end of a rifle, or some such other shooting weapon. Just nothing but guns, with posters taped to them. THAT would be amazing.

    1. Extemporanus

      Look, you stupid blogger…you've got no arms left!

      Uyies ioi hsbve,!,


      ITunes jnustr aa floershwouddfn!l1

        1. Chichikovovich

          It's intricate. The exchange between King Arthur and the Black Knight who gets all his limbs lopped off, with "blogger" instead of "bastard", and the lines spoken by the Black Knight are typed as if by someone using his nose or other clumsy body part. [look for consecutive letters that also occur together on the keyboard.]

          Et voilà:
          Look, you stupid blogger…you've got no arms left!

          Yes I have!


          It's just a flesh wound!

  21. glamourdammerung

    1. Sit ouside GOP Convention with visible weapon and sign saying "President Obama is doing a reasonably good job".

    2. When Republicans shriek insane threats, utilize "stand your ground" law.

    3. ?????

    4. Profit!

  22. Joshua Norton

    Schweet!! . The crowning touch for this whole sideshow would be to have it end up as a wingnut version of "Hunger Games".

    Live ammo, liquor and bad tempers. What could possibly go wrong?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      From my point of view, the only things that could go wrong are (a) not enough liquor, and/or (b) not enough ammo.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I wouldn't mind being WITH him, naked, moist , drunk and at a lesbian bondage club.

  23. Steverino247

    You can have these Ten Commandments when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!

    What I find interesting is the fact that most police officers and their leadership hate these stupid gun laws. It's their asses out there and they know it!

    1. oldedinvn

      I agree. Only the muggers should have guns. Where you find police you will find crime.

  24. Blueb4sunrise

    There's a part of me that wants a storm just big enough to churn up a couple thousand barrels of BP crude that's maybe still floating around mid-depth in the Gulf, and dump it on the beach.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      A storm (fueled by global warming) that dumps in in the convention center would be much, much better.

  25. CapnFatback

    You know how this happened, right? Big Stick & Pole's lobbying power has been shit ever since John Holmes died.

  26. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Snark 1: It's guns and Florida. Seen it. Taped it. Erased it.

    Snark 2: It's a conspiracy that ABC plays the Jewish Hero Saga on Resurrection Sunday, Christians, so don't feel too special because of the religious "programming"

    Snark 3: The tablet says "YouAndYourFriendsAreTheOnlyCreepsInThisPlace" (show of hands who can remember)

  27. Biff

    I was gonna make a comment about a vacancy in Sanford, but I decided I'm not that big of an asshole.

  28. Rotundo_

    You have to wonder how many rentboys and whores will wind up in the local morgue with single gunshots to the back of the head when delegates decide to go economy class with the local entertainment. Drunk closeted assholes with guns and lots and lots of issues doesn't sound like a recipe for a quiet time down in FloDuh! At least they are a damn good ways away from here.

  29. poorgradstudent

    It's cute when they act like the natural consequence of their policies isn't "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome."

  30. BlueStateLibel

    What could possibly go wrong with a pissed-off heavily armed crowd that's probably been drinking too much?

  31. SkinnyNerd

    So then Occupy RNCers can carry guns? I guess that is the only way to keep the police officers well behaved then.

  32. Dashboard Buddha

    "your editrix and Newell will be partying with the big guns"

    Soooo, you and Newell, eh? Heh heh heh, he laughed leeringly.

  33. gout

    This could be so awesome. So anybody who feels threatened (and anybody hoping to use medicare or social security should) then they can pretty much just let 'er rip. Like a massive food fight only with guns.

  34. Puffperney

    Back in the Wild West days, even Tombstone, Dodge City and Wichita outlawed carrying guns in town. How idiotic are these Florida people?

  35. Terry

    Frankly, I hope at least half the GOP delegates openly carry serious firepower at the convention to demonstrate their fetishization of the 2nd Ammendment. That should scare independents and the few remaining thoughtful Republicans right over into Hopey's camp. Might result in a new party, too.

  36. OneYieldRegular

    All of the women I know feel threatened with bodily harm from the legislation currently being passed by various Republican legislatures. So.

  37. Nostrildamus

    We need some folks at the convention entrance handing out free guns, whiskey, amphetamines and fire crackers.

  38. jbomble

    Sadly, your head line is deceptive. Federal law puts the USSS in charge of conventions, and they set the rules. Thus, no guns at the convention. The Tampa newspaper notes this clearly.

    However, outside of the convention, the kerfuffle exists as you describe. Why rile up lefties and make them think guns are in the actual convention? What good comes from that?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Lefties are actually smart enough not to read that into the story. Wingnuts, ehhh, not so much.

  39. Chichikovovich

    If they're going to establish a "Free speech zone" for the exercise of First Amendment rights, it's only proper that they establish a "Free fire zone" for the exercise of Second Amendment rights.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "… it's only proper that they establish a "Free fire zone" for the exercise of Second Amendment rights.

      They did. It's called "Florida."

  40. mindo99

    All these problems would go away if pro-abortion pregnant women would swallow tiny guns so that the fetuses could protect themselves.

  41. imissopus

    I volunteer to house-sit for Rebecca, as long as she has cable and a liberal "drink whatever you want" policy with regard to her liquor cabinet.

  42. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Florida Statute 790.33 prohibits local governments from enacting any laws on the sale, purchase, transfer, taxation, manufacture, ownership, possession, storage or transportation of guns or ammunition."

    Except, for some reason, in the convention hall? How does that work?
    Answer 1: The pols who pass these shithead laws don't want to put themselves at risk. Which suggests to me that they know full well just how fucking idiotic their gun laws are.
    Answwer 2: The Secret Service knows full well just how fucking idiotic their gun laws are.

  43. Limeylizzie

    Can't help you with Florida, but you and Newell are welcome to a couch in Harlem anytime. Also, Los Angeles.

          1. Limeylizzie

            No, I just made sure that the flight attendant loved me and hated him ,so I got my dinner first. I didn't have any carry-on other than my laptop, I just pushed him out of the way as I left the plane, revenge is sweet.

        1. oldedinvn

          I could fit all 6 Wonketteres in without a problem. If they bring all their friends I could easily get someone to put the other 2 people up.

  44. Slim_Pickins

    Who will be the first to use "Stand and Deliver" as their campaign slogan? Rickie or the Newtwit?

  45. rickmaci

    To paraphrase. From San Diego to Tampa an iron curtain of intolerance, ignorance, and stupidity has descended across the Continent.

  46. rambone

    Speaking of which, your editrix and Newell will be partying with the big guns (and presumably their dead hookers) in Tampa, and are looking for twin couches from you, the Beloved Rabble.

    I just checked and, unfortunately, while my Nanna would have loved to have you guys stay with her, her retirement community has a strict "no commies/young people" policy.

    Also, too, she doesn't have enough roofies and duct tape for both of you.

  47. Negropolis

    Reap what you sow, motherfuckers; reap what you sow. Your All-Armed, All-the-Time paradise has arrived. Rejoice and be glad in it.

    1. oldedinvn

      Damn, I always thought it was rape what you sew. Just the thought of sex with new denim kept me straight or limp.

  48. Dr. Nick Riviera

    So in all seriousness, they can stop people carrying water guns and force them to replace them with real guns before letting them enter? I swear I saw this on a parody movie once.

  49. oldedinvn

    Ah gunz, I get excited thinking about them. Mostly because of the absence of them here. Few police here have them there manhood symbols. Here the big law is called Polite. More people die here from trying to salvage metal from unexploded bombs , meteor hits & lightning than guns.
    Yeah, they hate you for your freedom.

  50. ttommyunger

    Law, shmaw, I always pack and nobody knows it; plus, it's been my experience that in environments where everybody is armed-everybody is super polite and considerate (gun shows, firing ranges, gun stores, etc.).

  51. SoBeach

    You are welcome to my guest room. It's quiet and private, but I'm 150 miles from Tampa. That's a long drive, but there are dozens of shops on the route where you can stock up on guns and ammo.

  52. SolitaireRose

    Oh, I am SO ready for some teabagger to say that he feels threatened by Mitt Romney's health care position. This is gonna be like a John Woo movie!

  53. BelleSC

    Since I am originally *from* Florida I feel qualified in asking this:

    Who is their right friggin' mind would go to Tampa in AUGUST? This has been mentioned before but it bears repeating.

    Outside the freezing convention hall the weather will be like a dress rehearsal for Hell.

    1. SoBeach

      It's like going to Minneapolis in January. You run from climate-controlled buildings to climate-controlled cars knowing that the weather is waiting to kill you if you make the slightest mistake.

  54. MaxUdargo

    Conservatives are aware of this warning, because it comes out of the mouth of Jesus in the Bible (Matthew 26:52), but since it's something only a pussy would say, they know that Jesus wasn't literally talking about swords, but rather penises. So it was a prophecy concerning Bill Clinton, and it sure as hell didn't have anything to do with guns, which Jesus loved.

  55. Negropolis

    I'd be laughing my ass off if this supreme court got super literal and ruled that the right to bear arms only applies to one's physical arms. lol

Comments are closed.