he now pronounces you fabulous!

S&M Conservative Mitt Romney Personally Gay Married Entire State of ‘Assachusetts’

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I do

RomneyExposed.com has shockingly RomneyExposed Mitt Romney and how he personally gay married every queer in Boston, because Mitt Romney hates Jesus.

So just how “strictly conservative” is Mitt Romney? Eh, depends what part of his menstrual cycle he’s in. (Just kidding. Mitt Romney is always simultaneously pregnant and on the rag.)

Every since Mitt Romney first tossed his hat into the presidential sweepstakes in 2007, he has repeatedly maintained that he opposes same-sex marriages and has always portrayed himself as a champion of traditional marriage.

However, in an incident that has gone mostly unreported, Romney, as Governor of Massachusetts, personally issued at least 189 one-day special marriage licenses to same-sex couples in 2005. He likely issued a similar number of licenses in both 2004 and 2006 but the state records for these years are not easily available. One-day marriage licenses are in effect permits issued to a couple allowing them to designate anyone they choose to officiate at the wedding. These special one-day marriage licenses are not to be confused with the thousands of regular marriage licenses granted to same-sex couples by Justices of the Peace and town clerks by order of Governor Romney in the aftermath of the Goodridge same-sex marriage decision.

More than any other action by Romney, these special licenses demonstrated where his heart was on the same-sex marriage issue since they were purely discretionary. There was no mandate forcing Romney to issue such licenses. This calls into question his authenticity as an alleged social conservative candidate.

Why won’t Mitt Romney personally slap gays in the face (with a riding crop, juuuust so)? Whaddaya say, Wisconsin? We can haz Santorum now?

[RomneyExposed]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Barb

    Now he's going to bomb us all with weapons of ass destruction.

    • Radio福井県

      Here's where Santorum and Mitt intersect.

      • HippieEsq

        for the win….I think that is the supernova of GOP-ASSCLOWN jokes.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Barb, would that be WAD?

    • flamingpdog

      ?SAMs, aka Santorum Ass Missiles

    • OurDailyBread

      I dont' think Nacho Vidal or Belladonna would get anywhere near Mitt's ass–not for porn or money.

  • OzoneTom

    No wonder Ann doesn't find him "stiff."

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    yes, but in '04 + '06 the state was using etch-a-sketches to draft certain documents, so I'm not sure they're official.

  • Schmannnity

    "has always portrayed himself as a champion of traditional marriage."

    How many wives in a traditional marriage?

    • LesBontemps

      The Bible is pretty traditional, isn't it? Don't "we" look to the Bible for "traditional values"?

      • SorosBot

        And according to the Bible, marriage is between one man and many women. There we go!

    • Callyson

      Can't pass this one up…

      All of 'em, Katie…

      • Crank_Tango

        Two soon!

        • flamingpdog

          Two poontang!

  • terriblyfamous

    Doesn't a "one-day special marriage license" sound like a totally made-up thing?

    • elfgoldsackring

      Isn't that what the Mooslems get when they want to visit a hooker without pissing off Allah?

      • terriblyfamous

        Oh yes. Presumably the gays in Massachusetts get them for the same reason?

    • DustBowlBlues

      Like something teenaged boys buy online just in time for prom.

    • Advn2rgirl

      I had one to marry friends in CA last year. I'm not an ordained minister or justice of the peace but I said the magic words and sent the form in to the state. (Actually, Minister Dad taught me the secret of that one: give the marriage license to the bride's mother to send in. That way, you KNOW it gets where it's supposed to go.)

  • SheriffRoscoe

    You pander to the electorate you have, not the electorate you wish you had.

  • HateMachine

    See, here I'd assumed Romney'd wait until the people of Assachusetts died before he gay-married them.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That's it, I'm voting for him.

    Nah, just kidding.

  • FakaktaSouth

    "There was no mandate forcing Romney to issue such licenses. This calls into question his authenticity as an alleged social conservative candidate."

    Yes. THIS is what calls into question his conservative cred, not every single thing he ever said pre-2007.

    This is in fact the website all my crazies on fb are passing around amongst themselves like crabs at the ATO house though. Just eating this shit up. They hate the guy more than I ever could.

    • prommie

      So the court order only specifically mentioned one technical type of license, and Mitt's lawyers assumed a challenge regarding this type of license would fly through, and therefore, there was no legal basis not to issue this kind as well, even though its not specifically listed in the order.

      So you see, what they hate him for is not flouting the law and not being a disingenuous asshole and not asserting the kind of asshole douche argument that a 7-year old, or a Scalia, would make.

      Its not that he let the gays marry, they really hate him for a far greater transgression of republican principles; they hate him for not being a total and complete asshole.

      • FakaktaSouth

        I think you're on to where Mitt screwed up repeatedly. He did some stuff based on laws. That is completely foolish for anyone who wants to be an R now. If you don't make shit up as you go along, well, go fuck yourself (and this also brings us back nicley around to Eric Cantor from this morning, proving once again that discussing republicans is like one massive circle jerk.)

    • prommie

      And how many of these Alabama conservative assholes are those swishy Ashley Wilkes closet-dwellers? Half the southern boy aristocrats I ever met were the most obviously gay men I ever saw.

      • elviouslyqueer

        All of them, Prommie.

        What? You asked!

        • prommie

          Just go to Gatlinberg on a warm spring day, when they'll be wearing their shorts, Oh My God, its like a Halloween Parade, and they don't even know it

          • Local_Mojo

            I will not go to Gatlinburg, Myrtle Beach, Helen, Panama City, or Branson — even on a socio-political adventure.

            How could you suggest such a thing? Ewwwwwww

      • FakaktaSouth

        None of the particular ones I'm thinking of have come out and all but one has tried to do me (and they all seemed like pretty genuine attempts). However, I may be a slut and I can put up with a lot and still get naked but I can't do stupid. Mostly that's the common denominator. They are dumb. Not even evil really, just very much not bright.

    • prommie

      I forgot to mention, jock-sniffing uniform fetishists, also, too.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Those are rampant. I count myself amongst their prestigious ranks.

        • DustBowlBlues

          Like the Old Man in his younger days in his Fire Dept duds. When the old (print) Post Intelligencer asked people to vote for the sexiest man in Seattle and the entire Seattle Fire Dept was a top vote getter. And they can slide a pole!

  • Barb

    I can't wait to see Obama blow Romney all the way back to the 'Land's End' catalog he came from.

  • Radio福井県

    It's not gay if it's "one day gay……." Is it?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Good job Santorum.

    Paint Mittens into that blah corner where he's not crazy enough for Crazy Town, but not much of a liebrul for liebrul Town.

    That'll win the GOPers the 2012 election.

    • GOPCrusher

      Read an article on Yahoo, where people are infiltrating Rmoney's campaign stops to ask him about specific passages in the Book of Mormon, especially when it pertains to interracial marriage and racism in general.
      I got a dollar that says the trail leads back to the Santorum campaign or the Tea Baggers.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Really, who else gives a shit?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Hie to Kolob.

  • SayItWithWookies

    One-day marriage license? Leave it to Romney to make hooking up sound dowdy.

  • SorosBot

    I heard Romney wants suggested that murderers who kill gay people in hate crimes should still be prosecuted for murder, therefore he's not a true conservative.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Your typo would make for a great play* title, Soros: Wants Upon a Mattress

      * or porno movie

  • straighteight

    He's only recently gone balls-deep in to traditional marriage. Everyone knows Mitt's history of blowing the rusty trombone for vile homosex commitment ceremonies.

  • elfgoldsackring

    And now a musical interlude: "Your big day could be tonight".

  • elviouslyqueer

    Your move, Matt Romney.

  • SayItWithWookies

    he personally gay married every queer in Boston, because Mitt Romney hates Jesus.

    You can say it all you want, Rebecca — it's still not gonna make me like him.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Exactly. If Romney had done any of the stuff his conservabot opponents claim while he was governor, instead of just signing what the legislature decided into law, I wouldn't have hated him so much.

      Also, the idea of a governor going through those "special license to perform wedding ceremony" applications and bothering to find out if it was to perform opposite-sex or same-sex weddings is hilareballz. For one thing, Mittens woulda actually have to have been in the state for more than 90 days a year, or whatever his average was.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

    RomneyExposed.com

    I wonder if they unzip him, to see how stiff he is?

  • BklynIlluminati

    I don't get it, is it like a temp license to be gay for a day then you go back to sexual ambiguity?

  • OneYieldRegular

    "This calls into question his authenticity as an alleged social conservative candidate."

    Au contraire, grammar 'n' what all, It confirms his authenticity as an "alleged" social conservative candidate.

  • flamingpdog

    Where's the schlong-form gay marriage certificates?

  • spends2much

    OK, I am now convinced Mittens would make a fabulous POTUS!

    Dude has more positions than the Kama Sutra and it would be fun to watch his head explode when he had to, you know, choose one.

    The Inability to Choose Just One- yup, he's a Mormon, alright :)

  • teebob2000

    >>"these special licenses demonstrated where his heart was on the same-sex marriage issue"

    Aw c'mon, how can you blame a fella for following his heart?? Don't you watch Lifetime Movie Network??

  • MissTaken

    One-day marriage licenses are in effect permits issued to a couple allowing them to designate anyone they choose to officiate at the wedding.

    Oh shit, my female cousin was married her male husband by a guy who had a one-day officiator pass. Gay marriage is so cool even the straights are doing it!

    • SorosBot

      And my female cousin did the same thing; as did one of my male cousins. No wonder traditional marriage is under attack, if couples can ask the person they want to conduct the wedding ceremony instead of requiring them to go to a bizarrely dressed man dedicated to leading worship of some version of imaginary superman in a waste of real estate church/temple/mosque etc. even though marriage is a civil ceremony and not inherently religious.

  • Radio福井県

    What, Mitt's got more skeletons in his closet?

  • Callyson

    "Indeed, many constitutional attorneys have opined that Romney is the father of gay marriage in America since he was never compelled by the court to implement gay marriage and the Massachusetts constitution is clear that only the legislature can alter the marriage statutes."

    No. I am not a constitutional attorney, but no, Mittens cannot be the father of gay marriage. No no no no no!

    • IceCreamEmpress

      He was indeed compelled by the court to clarify that marriage licenses be issued regardless of sex or gender. Simply lying about what happened doesn't change history.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Gay marriage doesn't have a father. It has a leather daddy.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Willard is a master of political position polygamy. Why stop with just one?

  • BlueStateLibel

    I'm blatantly stealing this, but Mitt Rmoney is Quantum Rmoney. How he stands on things depends on who is observing him, and two people observing him will observe two completely different things. He is a miracle of modern computing and physics.

    • MissTaken

      I definitely get a spooky action at a distance vibe from Mittens.

    • terriblyfamous

      Also you can't observe his position without changing it. Just asking him a political question makes him change his position to reflect the desires of the observer.

      • SorosBot

        And until you observe his position on any issue, he actually occupies all possible positions at the same time.

        • keinsignal

          I heard Romney once took a family vacation with Schrödinger's Cat strapped to the roof of his car…

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Ftw.

  • Come here a minute

    Mitt also one-day-Mormon-baptised them to make everything legit.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    … in an incident that has gone mostly unreported…

    I understand their intent , and the need to use journalisticalese, but this is not 'an incident'.

    Which is central to their point, of course.

  • elfgoldsackring

    For added dog-whistley goodness, their photo looks suspiciously Messican.

  • HippieEsq

    if I were gay-married by Mitt I'd want a do-over. and a cadillac.

  • MissTaken

    This is terrible. Doesn't Mittens know the only legitimate marriage is between an FLDS prophet, a 12 year old girl, and her three sisters?

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    It seems to me that Romney lives his life like a candle in the wind– never knowing what position to cling to when people's brains set in.

    • elfgoldsackring

      Drippy, also.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Once you've studied the Quantum Theory of Mitt Romney all will be made clear.

  • Veritas78

    I'd be happy to be in a political ad where I could state: "RomneyCare saved my life. That's why I'm voting for Barack Obama."

    (True story—RomneyCare™ did save my life. It's almost like living in Canada!)

  • Troglodeity

    Indeed, many constitutional attorneys have opined that Romney is the father of gay marriage in America …

    Indeed. Name one "constitutional attorney." Just one.

    Well, besides Santorum.

  • sbj1964

    I think a license to marrry should be like a drivers license.It should expire after 4 years."Sir would you like to renue your license? No,I think I will let this one expire.Your out bitch!The world would be a better place!

  • DahBoner

    Truth is MA is full of Conservative Massholes and has the WORST alimony laws in all 50 states.

    In my opinion, greedy $650 an hour lawyers were behind the gay marriage law to double their potential client base…