why does it hurt when i pee?

GOP Michigan Lawmakers Will Drug-Test Your CEO Before Forking Over Corporate Welfare

apparently not dwight schruteHere is a nice story, fellows! A Republican representative in Michigan is not only against pee-testing those vile, filthy, scabies-befouled and constantly drug-addicted Medicaid queens, he has also introduced a bill requiring one-percenters to pee in the cup if they would like a government handout too! Now let us all hold hands and sing together, for niceness!

Rep. Tom McMillin, R-Rochester Hills, introduced House Bill 5527 on Wednesday that calls for top executives in companies to be drug tested if they receive certain tax breaks from the state. The bill currently has four co-sponsors: Pat Somerville, R-New Boston, Judson Gilbert, R-Algonac, Mike Shirkey, R-Clark Lake, and Jim Ananich, D-Flint.

That is so many R’s!

The bill says that any company that gets a loan, grant or tax credit from the Michigan Strategic Fund would have its president, CEO and anyone who reports directly to the president or CEO drug tested.

“I don’t know if it will go anywhere,” Rep. McMillin said. “I honestly believe this will be in the mix if we go in the direction of testing Medicaid recipients.”

Which, again, he is against.

Most of McMillin’s cosponsored bills seem to be variations on making it harder to unionize and making sure there is never a Romneycare mandate for health insurance, so don’t get out the Arlen Specter Welcome Wagon just yet. Still, though: yay, you, fellow traveler Rep. Tom McMillin, R-Rochester Hills! Now your next opponent will use this Special Wonkette Endorsement to murder you at the polls. :( [MichiganCapitolConfidential]

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  1. Barb

    I'm surprised they don't submit them to a pregnancy test and a transvaginal ultrasound test while they are at it.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Would that be the same hat that a famous Mormon, no, no that one, Joseph Smith, looked into? I do hope so.

    2. ttommyunger

      If they do, I hope they pull it down around their ears so we can see what they look like in brown curls.

  2. Callyson

    Well, sometimes when I read the business news and hear about some CEO's screw – up that ends up costing hardworking employees their jobs and retirees their pensions, I wonder if they are on drugs too. Can't wait to have my suspicions confirmed.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Naw, old-skool midwest Republicans *hate* corporate welfare, until they start to directly benefit from it in the quid-pro-quo "You vote for this tax break and we'll see that your re-election fund gets a nice boost" hint hint kind of way.

  3. Wilcoxyz

    If they haven't done anything wrong, then there should be no objections to complying with this law designed to protect taxpayers.

  4. WhatTheHolyHeck

    It's about time; I've had no pet Republicans since Walnuts went to the dark side.

      1. Baconzgood

        I saw him give a speach at Carnegie Mellon University circa late 80's early 90's. He actually made sense.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    The CEOs won't be worried — cocaine is only detectable in your system for three days (it's 30 days for weed). What they really need to do is give them the SAT — let's settle once and for all who's a real corporate genius and who's a chickenshit figurehead who got where he was through his daddy's connections.

  6. Baconzgood

    The last post and now this….I haz teh confuzed!

    Should I hate the GOP or friend them on face book?

  7. Gleem McShineys

    Does McMillin believe his other legislation will prevent his occipital bone from soon having a date with the Koch bone?

  8. upthruster

    How about we also add a constitutional ammendment to ban corporate mergers between companies run by CEOs of the same sex.

  9. MissTaken

    In an odd twist, R.Kelly has recently requested numerous loans, grants, and tax credits from the Michigan Strategic Fund.

  10. el_donaldo

    Anyone who reports directly to the CEO? Look, leave the rentboys alone. You know they've got to be high to do what they do.

  11. SorosBot

    Doesn't he understand how necessary the thousand-dollar hooker and blow parties are to our modern CEO culture?

    1. terriblyfamous

      If we take away the hookers and blow, what will motivate people to become CEOs of things? This is a talent retention issue.

  12. Dudleydidwrong

    Just as one swallow doesn't make either a summer or a good sex partner, one decent Republican doesn't make for any political hallelujah day. But McMillin is a start.

  13. GOPCrusher

    It would appear that Republiklans in Michigan do not operate the same as the others.

  14. thefrontpage

    The only people anywhere in the United States who should be drug tested are Republicans, because they're all obviously tripping on something horribly dangerous.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        1) As if higher education ever got anyone that
        2) Someone with higher education would have done the math necessary to make sure the garage is longer than the cars

  15. ManchuCandidate

    Having suffered at the hands of an incompetent CEO with delusions of adequacy, I'd demand a psyche evaluation.

    Then almost no CEO would get a gubbiment handout.

  16. ElPinche

    The "drug test" will actually test the CEO's ability to properly insert political donations into a blank empty envelope.

  17. FakaktaSouth

    Where the hell is Negropolis? I wanna have sex with someone from Michigan in this guy's honor. Way to go, reasonable guy!

    1. Negropolis

      Damn. The one time I'm given such a gift and I can't accept it because Tom McMillin is not a reasonable guy. :(

      **races around the state to find a reasonable person, somwhere**

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Aw, look at you, being all honorable and such – well, in that case, it now doubley sucks that as an immediate gratification girl, I already jumped on Michael Moore before remembering that Anthony Kiedis and Derek Jeter are ALSO native Michiganders (actually there are a SHIT TON of REALLY famous people from there, it's pretty amazing). Next time I'll have to be more patient!

    2. PuckStopsHere

      Fuck me hard. Fakakta South has an offer on he table and I, a reasonable man, spend the night here in Michigan watching the goddamn Leafs, Sabres, Predators and Wild. Fuck me hard. And now I'm watching baseball. Fucking exhibition baseball. Did I say, "fuck me hard," yet?

  18. Chichikovovich

    Welcome to Non-Detroit/Non-Ann Arbor Michigan – where even the Democrats are Republicans.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Are you guys looking at Arizona's rank in the standings? Because "odd" bills aren't going to win you anything when AZ is going balls-out crazy.

  19. weejee

    Next thing you know they'll be requiring licensed professions, like medicine, law, and engineering, to pee in a cup before they put in a stent or design a bridge.

    Ha, haha, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
    / falls out of chair

  20. Extemporanus

    A Republican state representative once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice pee venti.


  21. ttommyunger

    I know, I'm jaded, but has anyone checked to see if this fellow has holdings in a pharmaceutical testing firm? It's just so out of character, I can't help but be suspicious.

    1. SkinnyNerd

      I am pretty sure CEOs will "request" that their employees pee in a cup, and the best results will then get handed in as their own. It is trickle down drug testing.

    2. Guppy

      That would be a conflict of interest! Rick Scott has shown us that you need to transfer all that to your wife first for it to be ethical.

  22. WiscDad

    It's good to know Michigan gets nothing for the work they pay their legislators to do…just like the rest of us. Except Arizona that is. Maybe Michigan should one up Arizona and pass a law that makes thinking about sex illegal.

  23. donner_froh

    This may be the only issue on which McMillin is on the right side. Generally he is a Conservative/Libertarian/right wing idiot who hates gay people and approves of discrimination against them–among other outrages.

  24. Biff

    See, if they had demanded this of the CEO of Solyndra, the wingtards would prolly have nothing to whinge about right now, aside from abortions, tax cuts, and the government near in the White House…

  25. Troglodeity

    I'm beginning to think all those hundreds of thousands of jobs we've added lately are pee testers and transvaginal ultrasound technicians.

  26. Guppy

    Meanwhile, his primary election warchest now consists of a 15 year old starburst mint and some dryer lint.

  27. Jukesgrrl

    Most of the CEOs I know would pass a drug test. A breathalyzer test would be a different story. The executive suite runs on Chivas.

  28. Negropolis

    To be clear, Wonkette, Tom McMillin is probably the most socially conservative, anti-gay, anti-poor (and personally repugnant, as if that even needed to be said) member in the Michigan House.

    1. d5w

      Amen to that. The guy is a first class dick obsessed with "the homosexual agenda" and has been for the duration of his career. While drug testing CEOs may seem like a shining beacon of light, this guy is little more than garbage wrapped in human skin.

  29. Dr. Nick Riviera

    My boss doesn't make poor business decisions because she's high. She makes poor business decisions because poor business decisions result in short term monetary gains for her and the long term negative effects won't come around until she's jumped out the window with a golden parachute.

    But she is also high.

  30. DahBoner

    I think most CEOs drink their own urine, for vitalty.

    Sorry bout the empty cup, was thirsty…

  31. WonkCynic

    You mean it's been the Republicans that have been making corporations administer piss and hair tests to their human resources all these years? Holy shit! Damn. All this time I've been blaming it on a bipartisan collection of corporate schmucks. Are you telling me that if the Democrats had a majority in Congress and Senate, or if one of them was Prez, they'd make all their corporate cronies stop making us all piss in jars? Hallelujah! Sign me up for the DNC! We're all going to be free again! Praise Obarmer!

    1. SorosBot

      Hey racist idiot;

      First off, you might notice that this post is over a day old; it's long dead. And no one's been making corporations drug test their employees; those that do have been choosing to do so themselves, you idiot. And guess what, the vast majority of corporate executives and CEOs are Republicans. And we are specifically referring here to the insidious practice several states have gotten into recently of requiring drug tests in order to receive welfare benefits, which guess what, has been pushed on states by the Republicans, yes. Now fuck off you racist cocksucker.

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