JUST THINKING AHEAD  3:40 pm April 3, 2012

Arizona Making Headway With Bill Defining Conception As…Two Weeks Prior To Conception

by Liz Colville

but i'm not even here yet

Arizona has now “outdone everyone,” as another media outlet puts it, by trying to establish that really when you think about it, a baby is made during that unpleasant time of the month during which a woman discards last month’s egg in preparation for a new one that she may or may not intend to meet with a sperm in holy zygotrimony. Yes, that’s right, AZ has already passed a bill in the senate, now making its way to the house, stating that the “age” of a zygote should be “calculated from the first day of the last menstrual period of the pregnant woman.” Sometimes it takes a couple of penises who don’t know anything to show us how the world really works. How things really should be. Life begins at conception, yes indeed, and conception is a bloody mess during which it is statistically nearly impossible to get pregnant.

Yes, so. HB 2036 passed the Arizona state senate last Thursday, and it is going before the house this week. The main tenet of this disaster is to ban abortion after 20 weeks. But how long is a week, really, and how might Arizona’s fat old men eke out two more weeks from somewhere in time? How about the time when eggs aren’t technically around and babies are just ideas, figments, concerns, nightmares, cauchemars, dreams, reveries?

The bill has some other nasty clauses. Anyone performing an abortion 18 weeks after conception (20 weeks after menses):

…can be charged with a crime, have his or her license revoked or suspended, and can be held liable for civil penalties if the father of the fetus decides to pursue legal action.

Seeing that this is America and 2012, women would also be required to have an ultrasound prior to having an abortion. The performing doctor would also have to “show a pregnant woman the ultrasound, describe it to her verbally and provide her with a photo of the unborn child.” Great, what else is new.

So, all in all, a nice new way of looking at menstruation: as a friendly reminder to schedule that abortion! THINK AHEAD, LADIES. Stop procrastinating! [Mother Jones via RH Reality Check]

 
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{ 230 comments }

Chill-A-Sketch April 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Do rapists get two week notices too? For the 20th time this week: fuck you, Arizona.

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

The rapist can sue the doctor and make lots of monies.

Radio福井県 April 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Worst. Mittelschmerz. Evah.

Come here a minute April 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Life is sweet if you're an ovum in Arizona!

smokefilledroommate April 3, 2012 at 3:45 pm

How about "conception begins when thinking about sex"?

CommieLibunatic April 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Well, shit. Looks like I better be ready to be a dad, and PRONTO.

upthruster April 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Okay. Then the official human population just jumped four hundred-thousand percent today.

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I've already gotten pregnant several times today. And I don't even have a uterus!

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Silly, you're a boy. You're supposed to think about sex. And you're supposed to have sex. This has to do with slutty girls.

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Yeah, you're the problem; we know women are supposed to try and keep your legs closed from the men who just sex, because women don't enjoy and want sex yourselves, you just use it as means to snag a man and make babies.

GemlikeFlame April 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm

And where, purely out of scientific curiousity, might these so-called slutty girls hang out? I want to perform a survey or two…in the name of science. Yep, science.

Barb April 3, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Keep it up Arizona and we gals will move there and apply for welfare for our 75,000 ovum.

HippieEsq April 3, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Be careful. Working on the assumption that everything normal people do on a daily basis is potentially criminal in Arizona, I'd avoid AZ like Jim Morrison avoided Dade County.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Maybe women should avoid Arizona. That might get the attention of the fuckwits in the state legislature. Some of them. Probably.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 4, 2012 at 12:03 am

Yeah, all those closeted Republicans would be very sorry to see their wives gone for an extended period of time.

CogitoErgoBibo April 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm

As much as these ridiculous bills infuriate me (being a personal owner/operator of lady parts), I also can't imagine being a doctor forced to comply with this crap day in and day out. They do remember that women and doctors vote, right?

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Proposed Amendment 1: Women can't vote when they're menstruating, because they're so irrational, if not [wink, nudge] hysterical.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Of course not–who let them out of the menstrual shed, anyway?

Dr. Nick Riviera April 4, 2012 at 12:04 am

Also, 2 people voting on the same ballot?? VOTER FRAUD!

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Did they vote in 2010?

poorgradstudent April 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

They're working on that.

Barrelhse April 3, 2012 at 4:51 pm

SOMEBODY elected these mentally-challenged fools.

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Arizona: where even the MD's are home-schooled.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Really, conception begins when the male gets a hardon. So let's track it back to that point, if we can pin it down to a single incident.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Conception begins when he buys her the first drink?

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Observes the presence of boobs?

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Life begins at morning wood.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Conception begins at puberty.

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

We are all pregnant, all the time, because science.

elviouslyqueer April 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

This is fanfuckingTASTIC news for Levi Johnston.

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Levi already knew this.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Levi Johnston already proved that in an earlier post.

Chet Kincaid April 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Yes, it's like Spielberg predicted in that sci-fi thriller with Tom Cruise, "The Engorgement Report."

Negropolis April 3, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Life begins and ends within the confines of a wet dream.

sewollef April 4, 2012 at 8:23 am

Wouldn't that be considered Manslaughter One [at least], as far as Law & Order SVU's Detective Stabler is concerned? Since his [and their] concern is for the childrens.

JudasPeckerwood April 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Unless there's an actual labyrinth and minotaur involved, it's still "abortion on demand" as far as I'm concerned.

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Only as long as it takes them to work out a voter identification bill that targets women and doctors.

OzoneTom April 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

This is going to play holy hell with my horoscope.

sullivanst April 3, 2012 at 4:09 pm

All this time I thought I was an Aries, turns out I'm a Gemini.

Geminisunmars April 3, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Hey, me too!

dedc79 April 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Soon, Arizona will start locking teenage girls in giant bubbles the moment they have their first period, only to let them out when they get married if they swear not to go on the pill.

smokefilledroommate April 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

"Who are you?"
"I'm the father of the fetus."

BaldarTFlagass April 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

"Father of the Fetus"

Wasn't that a Steve Martin movie?

smokefilledroommate April 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

He was great in Personhood.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

And in The Man With Two Balls

BornInATrailer April 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Since sperm will soon gain personhood, we won't even have to change The Jerk.

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 4:16 pm

"I'm the hypothetical father of the conceptual fetus we could have if we fuck without protection within the next two weeks."

Geminisunmars April 3, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Please arrange to send me the required child support, as soon as possible.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Twinkle in your eye? Start the clock!

smokefilledroommate April 3, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Eggzactly!

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Jumping Jesus playing frisbee while listening zither music. AZ! JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY! Baconz'll give you bus fare!

Negropolis April 3, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Silly, Baconz. White people don't ride the bus.

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Ladies, are you menstruating? SURPRISE, that means you're expecting! Congratulations.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

As if the bloating and menstrual cramps weren't present enough.

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I like to fantasize about tying up a bunch of Republican sixty-something white guys and then carefully explaining to them a four-foot-tall diagram of my reproductive organs. I would take at least two or three hours over it.

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

One of them looks up at the chart and says, "Really? Is that what it looks like? Wow. Okay."

samsuncle April 3, 2012 at 3:48 pm

So, whatever happened to the all the tea party BS about getting the government out of peoples lives?

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm

HAHAHA! That's hilarious!!

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Yeah, we're talking about a movement that's all about wanting government to control people's sex lives. By "freedom", they mean to protect their right to go take a shit on their neighbor's lawn and not have to pay any consequences for it.

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

But…but…womenz ain't people.

CogitoErgoBibo April 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Exactly! They're all busy getting government out of our corporations. Sheesh.

LetUsBray April 3, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Corporations are people, my friend. Women, not so much.

CommieLibunatic April 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Government needs to shrink so it can personally inspect your uterus from the inside with a flashlight and magnifying glass.

Negropolis April 3, 2012 at 11:54 pm

No, no. You misunderstood. They simply want to make government so small that it can fit inside you.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 4, 2012 at 12:01 am

Well, they ARE rallying around that person in FLA who had two pet tigers and leopard taken away just because they escaped and bit a few people. But that individual had a peen so….you know…priorities.

PuckStopsHere April 3, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Once again, the sperm, each and every sacred and precious one of them, escapes scott-free! Yea, America!

Deportably_Jose April 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Weird; you'd think that anti-choice-ers would at least have a passing familiarity with the rhythm method.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

That was the name of some friend's garage band back in the 70's.

Trannysurprise April 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

It's hard enough to get a reservation at the Abortionplex and now this. We are really going to have to start planning all of our abortions beforehand.

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Next up: a bill to mandate a 10 month waiting period for abortions.

smokefilledroommate April 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I'm glad I had an abortion in Arizona in 2003 when it was legal.

HippieEsq April 3, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Since Ex Poste Facto is written into the Constitution in a foreign language, I am pretty certain Arizona would gladly toss that protection aside and send you to the Arpaio Farm. Tread lightly aborter!

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Which came first — the dickin' or the egg?

BornInATrailer April 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

This. This right here.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Can I have Maybe Baby Showers each time I'm on the rag now? I like presents.

Barb April 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Let me know when you are "riding the cotton pony" and we can have an angry, carb-filled party.

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Midol and vibrators for all!

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Sybians. The cleanups a bit of a mess, but…

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 5:46 pm

That doesn't exactly mesh with "cotton" pony … or "angry", for that matter. You're thinking of a very different sort of party.

Radio福井県 April 3, 2012 at 3:50 pm

You know else was big on fortnights?

Barb April 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Wimbledon?

redarmyzombie April 3, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Could be Blancmanges, too. Also.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

The moon?

Well, every other fortnight.

DaRooster April 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Sam Houston?

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 4:09 pm

The 24th Regiment of Foot?

Chichikovovich April 3, 2012 at 4:38 pm

The spearchucker thread was a few hours ago.

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Oh, excuse me. Wrong meme!

Lit Happens April 3, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Another provision of the bill stipulates that the zygote is it's own grampa.

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I also read somewhere that the bill will make it illegal to conceive female babies. They want to solve this whole vagina problem once and for all.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Your move, China.

valthemus April 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm

"Madness takes it's toll."

They might also want to add a little amendment to that bill saying something like "Women aren't allowed to possess pitchforks or wield torches in the presence of legislators."

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Nice try, but good luck dialing back on that concealed carrying bullshit.

sewollef April 4, 2012 at 8:30 am

I'd like to see the concealed pitchfork in operation though…

"Is that a concealed pitchfork in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

Sharkey April 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm
Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

So there's people willing to pay a buck so their iphone will tell them when they're gonna bleed? For fuck's sake!

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I had my period last week. My parents are going to be soooooo happy!

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

SorosBot! Get in here!

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

But I have this box of condoms with me – the parents are going to be so disappointed.

Radio福井県 April 3, 2012 at 4:49 pm

There is nothing like an ovulating Miss Take.

Geminisunmars April 3, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Miss Take's were made.

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Weren't you paying any attention to the curriculum in AZ high schools? Condoms cause pregnancy!

CogitoErgoBibo April 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Can we just declare Arizona the winner of the "We Hate Women The Mostest" award so that they can stop competing?

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I am bloated and just about due for my monthly abortion right now.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Murderer. Serial killer.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Why do you hate Amurika?

metamarcisf April 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Someone just told me that the penalties included in this law do not just apply to veteranarians.

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

WAIT A SEC.

UPDATE:

Texas senate just passed a bill saying that females have their eggs while fetuses therefore any abortion or miscarrage is now a multiple homicide.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Ah hell, does this mean sicko moms-to-be will keep the used tampons from their pre-preggers period in their baby books?

"See Little Billy, this was either your big sister or big brother that we called Peanut"

Gross.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Move over, JarFetus!

Schmegeg April 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

AZ now needs a law requiring Senators requesting lobotomies need to have transrectal ultrasounds to locate their heads.

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Given that most of us have the ability to reproduce if we are one of the lucky (unlucky?) non-aborted, shouldn't we be locked up at birth so that we don't possibly decide to abort?

My head hurts.

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Being born then locked in jail, if you're a minority or libural, is the tea party's wet dream.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:34 pm

It would save a lot of time, I think.

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Does this mean that women who get their tubes tied can be charged with false imprisonment?

Barb April 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Knot true.

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

You're a regular Hoohaw-dini, Bar.

widestanceromance April 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

That would be full-on genocide.

edgydrifter April 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I'd suggest cutting off the sexytime for AZ men until they stop acting like such bastards, but something tells me they'd just legalize rape. You know, because they have uncontrollable urges, and God needs more babies made NOW.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

The Lysistrata Solution. But the ladiez of AZ find those pot-bellied, horseback-riding pre-melanomic cowboys irresistible.

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 8:10 pm

You're assuming AZ men have sex with women.

Or humans, for that matter.

a_pink_poodle April 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Well next time don't be born as a female! You were given the option at the sex assignment desk before you were born!

Goonemeritus April 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Does Arizona know there is a doctor shortage and therefore doctors can pretty much start a practice anywhere? Go ahead lock a doctor up or publicly take away his license and the whole state will be back to leaches and mustard plasters by the end of the month.

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Leeches and mustard plasters and wire hangers.

Chet Kincaid April 3, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Aren't leeches and mustard plasters popular breakfast fare in England?

Geminisunmars April 3, 2012 at 5:00 pm

That goes with the bangers and whey.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Leeches and bangers and whey, oh my!

Gratuitous World April 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

25 years from now, it's going to be hard for Arizona to irrigate all of its Vagina Farms

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Lemme guess, there's a 21-week waiting period to see your pre-abortion ultrasound, too.

chascates April 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Then she'll have to sing a lullaby to the fertilized cell and tell it a bedtime story before being approved for an abortion.

prommie April 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

She'll be visited by 3 fetuses, the fetus of christmas past, the fetus of christmas present, and the fetus of christmas future.

Gleem McShineys April 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Also, mandatory spammy website photo-morphing technology must be applied to the woman and man to see WHAT THE BABY WILL LOOK LIKE!!!!1

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:51 pm

At less than 20 weeks, the computer predicts it will look like an otter.

Gleem McShineys April 3, 2012 at 7:17 pm

President Bush came out vehemently against human-animal hybrids. He won't be pleased.

Callyson April 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

So when I get my period, I should be grateful for the free abortion. God works in mysterious ways…

FakaktaSouth April 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I have been a girl all my life and I STILL haven't thought about being on the rag as much as these fucking weirdos in Arizona. I take a pill every single day so that I don't have to think about it at ALL besides how long it takes to swallow (which will be banned in AZ next, the swallowing AND the pill) I cannot believe every single thing is so perfect in the desert now that they have so much time to think about things they apparently know so little about. Just gross. Gross!

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 4:33 pm

In July, all of Arizona south of Sedona is one power failure away from ghost-town status.

sullivanst April 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

On the plus side, at least they're giving up the medically unfounded "life begins at conception" line.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I had a woman prank me one time, therefore life begins at deception.

BornInATrailer April 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Maybe those premenopausal nuns should start fucking already so they aren't constantly killing their babies every month.

CogitoErgoBibo April 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm

OMG. I just realized something. I had a tubal ligation, but of course still menstruate. I can be pregnant and not pregnant all at the same time. I'm the Schrödinger's cat of pregnancy!

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

In band, I was second chair tubal ligation.

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Your box is a paradox!

Gleem McShineys April 3, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Quantum quim!

(Sorry everyone)

CapnFatback April 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Really? No one else wants to offer "Schrödinger's pussy"?

Too on the nose?

Gopherit April 3, 2012 at 4:06 pm

You all think you know, but you really don't, how crazy these bastards are. They will declare a woman's memory of the date of her last period to be inaccurate, and will require them to keep a period passport that gets stamped and dated using their own menses by a notary.

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Ewwwww!

Wile E. Quixote April 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I've come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with an Arizona conservative passing stupid laws is to use the same strategy used for dealing with zombies trying to eat your brains.

Barb April 3, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I see London
I see France
I see your blood tinged underpants.

Congratulations, you're pregnant!

Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Gopherit April 3, 2012 at 4:47 pm

One person's over the top satire is just a day in the life here in Arizona.

SayItWithWookies April 3, 2012 at 4:06 pm

So now having your period can be called an Arizona pregnancy. Bumpkinism — it's not just for the 20th century anymore.

chascates April 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Arizona outdoes everyone on everything! From ThinkProgress:
Proposed Arizona Law Defies Constitution, Outlaws Being ‘Lewd’ And Annoying On The Internet
As proposed by Arizona lawmakers, the bill amends a previous law to expand an already unconstitutional ban on telephone speech that might offend someone else to the Internet:

It is unlawful for any person, with intent to terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, annoy or offend, to use a telephone ANY ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL DEVICE and use any obscene, lewd or profane language or suggest any lewd or lascivious act, or threaten to inflict physical harm to the person or property of any person. It is also unlawful to otherwise disturb by repeated anonymous telephone calls ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL COMMUNICATIONS the peace, quiet or right of privacy of any person at the place where the telephone call or calls COMMUNICATIONS were received.

CapnFatback April 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Scorecard, here! Scorecard! Can't tell Wonkette's fifteen daily posts apart without a scorecard!

Chet Kincaid April 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm
NYNYNYjr April 3, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Arizona should out-arizona Somalia: give Arizona Marshall's the authority to go to any state to arrest them for breaking this law. Arrest or shoot. I'm not sure how they could pay all the extra Marshall's they'd need…can't raise taxes… let them confiscate whatever money or property the offender owns.

elviouslyqueer April 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

If I were a betting person, I'd wager all this hostility goes back to that leathery old hag in the Arizona statehouse who probably hasn't been touched by a man since her doctor slapped her on the behind at birth.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I'm currently writing the What To Expect When You Are Not Yet Expecting But Are Currently Bleeding So Shut Up You Stupid Woman And Be Thankful For This Gift You Don't Even Have Yet book for just this occasion.

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

By the way, you have been on a total roll on this thread today; no wonder your P-ness has gotten bigger.

redarmyzombie April 3, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I dare say, her P-ness is bigger than mine!

sbj1964 April 3, 2012 at 10:59 pm

good I thought it was just me.

HippieEsq April 3, 2012 at 4:59 pm

If you were the actual author of those books I'd suggest a very, very late term abortion for you.

Rosie_Scenario April 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I must repeat that oldie but goodie: "If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."

Barb April 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

It would be a sacrament, abortions would be government funded and they would have a drive-thru window at the Abortionplex.

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:44 pm

And the abortionplex would include a go kart track.

GunToting[Redacted] April 3, 2012 at 5:43 pm

And a bar with Federally-funded beer.

CapnFatback April 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I think we finally have the answer to What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

Clearly, she changed her name to Arizona and declared statehood.

widestanceromance April 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

JFC! Does this mean that paternity also begins with erection?

weejee April 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Could this sorta shit be behind why Barry has a 2:1 lead over Mittens among womenz under 50? Just a little bit? Maybe?

prommie April 3, 2012 at 4:16 pm

They still working on that Bill to make pi = 3.0?

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 4:16 pm

"How dare you dispose of what I gave you?" and "Well, she had her fun" are the kinds of thoughts behind such legislation.

And Barb, I'm sorry, but since you had your parts removed, you're going to have to answer for no longer being fertile. The punishment? Well, you know…

Barb April 3, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Yeah, that reminds me that I have an appointment with the Vagina Whisperer in an hour. It's snowing here in the desert and I don't feel like taking a shower and going out.

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 6:13 pm

The Vagina "Whisperer?! Uh, OK…

Barb April 3, 2012 at 9:18 pm

That's what I call my super gyno Doc "the vagina whisperer" She's just that good.

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 4:16 pm

It makes sense. God was a man (Charlton Heston) who made woman. So men know best about a woman's vaginal plumbing. Cased closed cunts!

Biff April 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

So that makes Jan brewer 2 weeks older than previously thought? I'd have thought at least 2 decades, but whatev.

Mahousu April 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

What Arizona is saying is that women are tribbles, basically. Already pregnant (potentially) when born.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 6:08 pm

More like aphids, I think. (They probably have a trace of respect for tribbles.)

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

So wait, if the rule defines conception as beginning at the end of the last period, are women going to have to prove when it was their last time of the month? Great, ladies you better hang onto the receipts for your tampons just in case.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Dammit, guess I have to stop buying mine in bulk.

Generation[redacted] April 3, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I like the idea of the passport book, with red egg-shaped stamps.

JustPixelz April 3, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I may move to AZ to have a tax exemption for each month.

WiscDad April 3, 2012 at 4:25 pm

For fuck sake….is there not enough real life issues in Arizona to legislate? They can't get off this shit…fucking weirdos.

CapnFatback April 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I can't fucking wait for the "Life Begins at Menstruation" bumper stickers plastered on the bumpers of Caravans and Suburbans all over Arizona.

Betcha they come in red.

WiscDad April 3, 2012 at 4:29 pm

What about 'Life Begins at Masturbation'?

CapnFatback April 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Well, it's as close to living as some of us get, I suppose.

EmileZoloft April 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

When your OB calculates "gestational age" it's from the start of the last period the mother-to-be had before getting pregnant. So at the moment of fertilization that zygote is about two gestational weeks old. This makes sense to do because it's a lot easier to know when your period starts than when a couple of cells do their thing. Of course it doesn't make sense to base any kind of actual law on that, but what do you expect from Arizona? They can't figure out Daylight Savings Time and they sold their own state capital.

GunToting[Redacted] April 3, 2012 at 5:49 pm

The lack of DST is one of the few benefits of living in AZ. DST is about as relevant as buggy whips, and I don't miss changing all my fucking clocks. It doesn't quite make up for the insanity of our legislature, however.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 6:15 pm

"they sold their own state capital."

Can't the landlord just evict the bastards?

BornInATrailer April 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

It's kinda cool that I'm rereading The Handmaid's Tale right now. Adds a little extra flavor to stories like this.

Rosie_Scenario April 3, 2012 at 4:47 pm

"Flavor" or acid reflux? Great novel and, sadly, so very timely.

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Maybe it should be re-printed with a disclaimer on the cover that this novel was not intended as a manual.

CrankyLttlCamperette April 4, 2012 at 6:05 pm

I just dug that out of the bookcase and reread it about a week or so ago. It's been terrifying to see how many plot points have been cropping up lately (freedom to v. freedom from, most recently). I'm really starting to think someone is using it as a playbook.

WiscDad April 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I'm going to sue those fucksticks for discrimination. Isn't my fucking sperm alive? Where the fuck are my rights? Will I get arrested for jacking off and flushing down my spermies with a wad of toilet paper?

Gleem McShineys April 3, 2012 at 5:14 pm

NOCTURNAL EMISSION, GO RIGHT TO PRISON

proudgrampa April 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

This is a joke, right? Where's the link to The Onion???

thefrontpage April 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Dear Conspiratorial Evildoers and Evil Villians:

Please–stop spiking the waters in Arizona, Mississippi, South Carolina, Alabama, Tennessee, Iowa, Utah, Idaho, Florida and other Evil States with your dangerous, mind-altering chemicals!

Your dastardly experiment works! We get it! Now, please, move on!

Get back to your world domination and cold war plans!

Thank you.

United States General Populace Living in Normal States.

Dashboard Buddha April 3, 2012 at 4:39 pm

For fucks sake.

Gleem McShineys April 3, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Don't forget to back date your fucks by two weeks, Buddha.

Me_K_Cong April 3, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Next, fetal age will be determined from the "gleam in his/her father's eye."

teebob2000 April 3, 2012 at 4:41 pm

"another media outlet??" Is that any way to refer to kind, elderly Mother Jones??? Respek for your elders, yo!

Dudleydidwrong April 3, 2012 at 5:15 pm

When did Mother Jones have her last period?

terriblyfamous April 3, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Around 1878, I think.

teebob2000 April 3, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I can't wait to see the courtroom artist sketch from the first trial, where they bring in a forensic pathologist, holding up a year-old crusty tampon, to testify to an exact date the sloughing-off in question occurred.

BklynIlluminati April 3, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Your move Alabama

pdiddycornchips April 3, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Why not declare all AZ lady's hoohoo's the property of Sheriff Joe and end it?

poorgradstudent April 3, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I really have to think this is a competition.

"Okay, guys, we can make our understanding of reproductive science really bad, even worse than the Catholic Church's!"

OneYieldRegular April 3, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Arizona: the only state where one can get six months in prison just for a twinkle in the eye.

owhatever April 3, 2012 at 4:56 pm

These people are seriously sick.

ttommyunger April 3, 2012 at 5:08 pm

So, by extension, any male having vaginal sex with a pregnant woman in Arizona is also a child molester, amiright?

Jerri April 3, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Huh. Then I better get at least 200,000 Mother's Day presents this year. And good ones, too. No "I'll clean the house" coupons, Eggs. That shit doesn't fly with me.

Edited for maths.

Gainsbourg69 April 3, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Are there any sane people in Arizona? How the fuck do these psychos get away with shit like this?

Jerri April 3, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I can't wait to run home and tell my husband the good news: "Honey, I'm pregnant…with possibility!"

rickmaci April 3, 2012 at 7:53 pm

"This life's hard, man, but it's harder if you're stupid!" The Friends of Eddie Coyle, 1973.

I have pretty much given up on hoping that Aryanzona will again one day be a safe place to travel.

marinmaven April 3, 2012 at 8:52 pm

I knew it was just a matter of time before they would ultimately reveal laws that suggest menstruation is murder. Soon having a box of maxi pads will be evidence of premeditation for homicide. If you can menstruate, you should be knocked up or in a convent – so sayeth the GOP.

And you thought Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale" was fiction. Silly Rabbit.

NYNYNYjr April 3, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Doctors will be required to show the woman a picture of their child at age 12 and say "We just got this picture from the future, your son/daughter sent it back to us and asks you not to abort him/her."

Dr. Nick Riviera April 3, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Age 12 because photos of mouthy teens would result in record business for the abortosseum.

sbj1964 April 3, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Arizona really life begins 30 days before life begins? WTF? Christains are of control! A womans right to control her own reproductive future must not be infringed upon.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 3, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Called the boss to let her know I'll be taking my two weeks of Mensturnity leave now.

Dr. Nick Riviera April 4, 2012 at 12:07 am

I have just calculated that I have been prego 192 times. I guess those stereotypes about us Mexicans really are true.

Bill_Mars April 4, 2012 at 8:42 am

Can someone just please tell me when I am supposed to sterilize the coat hanger? This is so confusing.

ibwilliamsi April 4, 2012 at 8:58 am

I guess that this means that women have been washing dead babies down the drain for millenia.

oldedinvn April 4, 2012 at 10:22 am

Will that effect my nocturnal emissions?

oldedinvn April 4, 2012 at 10:25 am

About the picture? Is it framed.

dzymzlzy April 5, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I wish someone had told me about this before I spent all that money on fertility treatments! Just think, all those months of crying because I thought I wasn't pregnant!

LadyRenaissance April 5, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Once again, I find myself fighting the battle between being well-informed versus being happy and sane.

You know, I've been saying that it's only a matter of time before the GOP really does decide that Every Sperm is Sacred and every egg that isn't fertilized is akin to murder. Only a fundie Republican could insist that conception starts before sex.

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 4:00 pm

They are like the Montreal Canadiens, New York Yankees and Manchester United combined. Only in bat shit crazy.

Swampgas_Man April 3, 2012 at 4:53 pm

and ban Arizona from the competition.

And ban 'em from the country, also.

Callyson April 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Mexico to US: ¡Infierno a no!

Biel_ze_Bubba April 3, 2012 at 5:41 pm

We'll throw in $20 billion. Come on, the state's like new! Hardly used, and in almost mint condition if you ignore Phoenix.

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 8:16 pm

I dunno, I've been told several times that orgasms ease cramping, but it's also possible the women who've told me this were just looking for an excuse…

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