the fake son also rises

Lucha Libre Wrestler ‘Jan Brewer’s Fake Son’ Will Kick All Messicans Butts Now

Wrestling move!Enter the warrior, he’s today’s Tom Sawyer, they call him RJ Brewer and he waves his flag in one hand and a copy of SB1070 in the other. RJ Brewer, being the fake son of Jan Brewer, fake governor of Arizona, enters the ring as if he owns it. Waiting for his opponent, he stops to educate his audience on the ways of this nation per Jesus, white Jesus, white English speaking Jesus. Basking in the glory of being one of the chosen is short lived when the clouds part, the sun rises and the crowd begins to cheer. The anti-American, the hero, the Mexican comes marching down the ring with ten tons of ass kicking odelay ready to tread where he pleases. But RJ learned by watching mommy. He knows how to shake a finger at a person of color.

RJ’s fake mom has established herself as quite the opponent outside the ring for the Latino community and has served as an example to such other anti ‘Lucha Libre’ governors as Scott “The Union Knocker” Walker, Rick “Pray For Rain” Perry and Chris “Extra Large Pizza, Double Cheese, Pepperoni, Sausage, Meatball, More Sausage and a Diet Coke” Christie. You may remember such wrestling moves that Gov. Brewer invented such as the “Prison Cell-Out Suplex” which involves a prison lobbyist and Jan flipping over on her back and leg locking her opponent’s waist until he coughs up money.”

This isn’t about the known definition of ‘free wrestling’ that Lucha Libre is known as. This is all out ‘freedom wrestling’. Unlike freedom as we know it, Lucha Libre outlines the trials and tribulations of the hard working Latinos trying to grasp onto the American dream and do so by kicking the shit out of a very well paid white wrestler.

The Huffington Post claims the history of Lucha Libre began in the ’30s, but it actually stems back well before when it was known as ‘Two Mexicans Fighting In The Street.” Lucha Libre has been known to dip its juevos in other political mixes such as the cold war and racism. The characters made up in this new and improved form of slapstick ass kicking entertainment provides a new twist on classic Lucha Libre platforms. There’s a strong element of ‘us verses them’. We are them and they are us. Lucha Libre’s newest theme signifies a change in current and is showing to be effective by the large number of audience members attending. The word is getting out that Lucha Libre has something to say. Should white people be nervous? Maybe. We can always wear hoodies if we go out.

Here is Steve Ship, CEO of Lucha Libre USA: “It’s something that we’ve been building in our TV shows and we’ve gotten a lot of positive reaction to it.” Not to be outdone, America has swung back with its own force of historical relevant fight tactics and has mailed off fifty thousand blankets infected with small pox to poor Mexican villagers with hopes of getting into the spirit of things. Mitt Romney has donated 100,000 rags, mops and vacuums to Lucha Libre and the other three candidates got together and bought a picture of the Virgin Mary to put on Lucha Libre’s dashboard.


About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay
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  1. Barb

    Wow! ErikJay, there was more finger pointing in your story than Chris Christie in a Dunkin Doughnut shop.

    1. DetectiveGrey

      The diving headbutt made Chris Benoit a dead man. It made El Santo a saint. RIP. ;_;

  2. CogitoErgoBibo

    Gingrich would donate some hamburgers, or an ex-wife or something, but his recent staff cuts mean he can barely keep his daughters employed.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      My grammar school pig latin is a little rusty, but I think it tranlates out to "Jerrik."

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      Just to follow-up a little on your 'oh, it's boring' story….I know another guy who once posted a reply to some story…said ' Yeah reminds me of wheh I was in Kazakhstan .'….that's it. So we all 'Aaaaaaaaand…….?' Waiting.
      He says, "nah, it's kinda boring story'.

  3. hagajim

    Is he Lucha Libre….I think more like Doucha Libre. Kudos for the Rush reference though.

  4. Extemporanus

    Welcome to the ring, ErikJay!

    Looks like your first name already has your last name in a sleeper hold — let us know if ya wanna tap someone in.

  5. SorosBot

    The Luchadores have a long, proud history of heroism; like Los Hermanos Numeros, who protected the streets fighting demons and monsters like the El Diablo Robotico back in the day until all but Numero Cinco were killed by the demon Tezcatcatl.

  6. elviouslyqueer

    *clicks HuffPo linky*

    *glimpses picture of Anna Nicole Smith's corpse holding court in front of librul media*

    *pees self from laughing*

  7. CapnFatback

    So, to translate (sorry ErikJay): today, the ultra-patriot American has become the prototypical wrestling heel.

    Somewhere, the Iron Sheik is camel-clutching his heart with pride.

  8. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    ErikJay, I will dance at your gay wedding if you can reference something from Permanent Waves.

      1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        sweet release.

        "The most endangered species — the honest man –will still survive annihilation."

  9. Mahousu

    RJ Brewer – whose real name is John Stagikas and works as a real estate agent in Massachusetts … [said] "This is different than any other program I've been involved with because usually I have to work really hard to get the audience to hate me,"

    If he's been a real estate agent for the last five years or so, he probably already has plenty of people hating him.

  10. ProgressiveInga

    His Twitter feed says he is at a HS in Virginia today. You are asking about Joe Biden, right?

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      That was a little confusing, wasn't it? It didn't become clear until I went to HuffPo

      1. Extemporanus

        Were every week at our Wonkette to wrap-up with a GLOW post, the world would indeed be a better place.

        As an awkward adolescent coming of age in early-80s Mill-ee-WAWK-ay, I had nubile Native American wrestler Little Feather to thank for single-handedly teaching me every thing I knew about both cultural and penile sensitivity.

        She also inspired me to learn how to circumvent cable box parental controls and surreptitiously program a VCR.

        (Oh, and if you're wondering why it took me so long to reply, 1:40-2:05, that's why.)

        1. CapnFatback

          And here I took you for a Mt. Fiji man.

          Since my coming of age was in the south suburbs of mid-'80s Chicago, I was graced with the nightly visage of "Honey Bee," a buoyant and boisterous personality who hosted SMASH, a half-hour program dedicated to showing matches from the "lesser" wrestling leagues. She was no Little Feather, to be sure. She was the full headdress.

          Thanks indeed for the clip. Tonight, we shall all be awkward adolescent boys.

    1. Beowoof

      Does this mean Jan has a foot in her mouth or someone should put a foot in her mouth at a high rate of speed or should she heel like the dog she is. I am confused but I am in meeting and can't read everything.

    1. SorosBot

      A Bushwacker sounds like a salon worker who deals with women who are currently untrimmed and overgrown. Or a specialized razor.

        1. SorosBot

          One who was never into pro wrestling. Even though, yes, it was big when we were kids and a number of my friends were into it I never cared for it.

          1. MissTaken

            My boy cousins were huge fans so I would get roped into it. White trash LOVES some WWF (never say WWE).

        2. doloras

          They were actually from New Zealand, but we always used to grimace at some of the nonsense their ignorant American bookers gave them to say, like how they were descendants of penal colonists. No penal colonies in NZ, ever. That's the Australians, or as we refer to them, "the convicts" or "a dingo ate their baby".

  11. Dashboard Buddha

    RJ Brewer – whose real name is John Stagikas and works as a real estate agent in Massachusetts – advocates for deportations

    Wow…a racist douchebag AND a shitty driver! Is today Christmas?

  12. LastGasp

    SB1070 requires all immigrants in Arizona to obtain or carry immigration registration papers. Are the wrestlers who are immigrants going to be able to carry their papers with them into the ring? No? Uh oh, it's a trap to deport more Mexicans!

  13. Maman

    I'm a gringa and I would would be cheering for the caped crusader over any Arizona Brewer (unless they were the beer making kind).

      1. Baconzgood

        I saw them by accident at the Flood City Music fest. with a drunk friend and the little lady. They blew the doors off the place. Which was pretty amazing considering they were playing in a big tent.

        1. prommie

          You are so lucky, you must live in Cali, where things like that lurk, just waiting to surprise you. And whats not to love? They are even better even than Portuguese David Bowie, which was the best part of Life Aquatic. And who doesn't love Spanish Hotel California?

          1. Baconzgood

            No they were playing all the way here in PA. I went with my chums to see Galactic and stumbled upon them. Their album came with trading cards. Fucking Los Straight Jacket trading cards yo! Which they autographed for us after the set!

  14. prommie

    I find it very difficult to masturbate to this post. However, I suspect it would be effective at delaying orgasm, if I were in a situation in which this would be desired.

  15. DahBoner

    You can call'im "RJ", but all his friends call him "Rim Job".

    And why hasn't ROMNEYCARE forced him to buy brocolli and stick it up his ass yet???

Comments are closed.