What’s Levi Johnston’s superhuman jizz got that chicks crave? It’s got electrolytes. The 21-year-old log of freshly pressed processed meats is now working on baby number at-least-two with his girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, who is 20 but a teacher? Did she graduate from college at 19 because she is a supergenius, or is that “teacher”? Is she a preschool teacher? Because they could say that. There is nothing wrong with being a preschool teacher. Nope, none of those things! According to Buzzfeed’s screengrab of her no longer searchable Facebook page, she is a high school graduate who worked at “biglake elementry school.” So, lunchlady?
Anyway, that was sort of mean, and Your Wonkette is feeling some unaccustomed shame, so let’s nice it up a bit and say mazel tov, you crazy kids! Here, just for you, is a Parenting Tip from Your Wonkette: Try not to let your kid be a cunt. [TMZ]
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Does this mean that Sunny Oglesby's mom is going to be picked as Mitt Romney's VEEP runningmate?
Palin is relieved it isn't one of hers.
How do you know it isn't one of hers?
She has a Masters in Home Schooling.
From Bates University.
Nah, she's a real smart one, she got her degree at Costco.
I hear that classy Target has the best PhD programs.
I once teached a person to tie them own selfs how to tie there shues. I am a teechure.
You librul bastids are just so souperior aint you.
Don't look in his eyes. I think I just got knocked up.
Go away, I'm batin'!
Is that like fishing with a worm…?
I've learned from Wonkette that men go fapfapfap. What is the equivalent onomatopoeia for the ladies?
More of a "slish," I believe.
*shlick shlick shlick*
She's "finding Nemo"
Steaming the clam. Shelling the mussel.
"Strummin' on the old banjo."
She make hand-party!
In Levi's case, I'd like to make an exception to my usual stand against eugenics and advocate a forcible vasectomy.
"It's Always Sunny in Wassilla"
Starring Levi Johnston.
And the pre-quel:
"But it's Dark Skies over Bristol"
Hey! Wait a minute….
Bristol — in the mother country — may have dark skies from time to time, but they still have Massive Attack, and Portishead, and Tricky, but thank fuck they DON'T have any Palins within 6,000 of your miles.
Also, PJ Harvey.
And the dearly departed Captain Smollett and Long John Silver.
Apparently Levi is also against contraception. How many wine coolers did it take for Sunny to head to the tent?
He learned in Alaska public schools that condoms cause AIDS.
Poor girl. Yet another thrust into the spotlight.
Or just yet another thrust.
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives her in-sa-a-a-ane.
I mean, really, if two kids without a decent education, lousy jobs and a baby or two can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us? Even Russia saw this one coming.
Probably twice. Russia should be ashamed for not raising a hand to overt its eyes and hurrying past.
They even saw it from their back yards.
I think he's only in it for the dividends.
SPERM LIBEL!!!!!!!!
Really, the only name left is "Tramp".
I thought "Tchotchke" was still available.
Too Jewish. I'm hoping they go with "Trawler" if it's a boy, "Toolshed" if it's a girl.
Or in their case: "Troolshed".
What about "Trump"? See where I'm going with this?
Trollop?
You have to put the extra "p" on it.
Actually, my Palinfreude will not be sated until one of them names one of their little bastards "Trapp." As in: "It's a Trapp!"
Trollop, definitely.
Levi's the kind of guy that gets the girlies preggers just by dancing with them.
So that's why it was illegal to dance in my hometown in OK! (All this time I thought it was because those prude Southern Baptists didn't want us to have any fun until we settled down at the ripe old age of 16 to marry and pop out a half dozen kids.)
Texan, do NOT make love standing up. We don't want anyone to think you are dancing.
Though, a poke while she is vaccuming, or washing my truck, or bending to get a my fuckin' beer from the Igloo…works.
But it was quite soon after that that Kevin Bacon came to town and you cut loose? Footloose?
With the way us kids dance these days, you're looking to get away not impregnated after the end of a dance.
What, a long, prehensile penis?
From the look of this profile picture, I'd say she has a degree in being blonde and sucking dick.
I think those are the prerequisites for the traditional MRS degree.
JESSICA PARE LIBEL!!!!
Definitely the first. I require further evidence before I render judgment on the second.
Oh, and would.
Those are relevant to my interests.
Blonde? You haven't lived until you've had your tires rotated by a red-headed girl!
She's hired.
Oh terry cloth towel, the places you've been. I hope your textile integrity sustains itself until the next Wonkette post.
OK, I was enjoying a cup of strawberry yogurt and I snorted it all over the front of my jammies.
If she had yogurt on her jammies Levi wouldn't be in this predicament.
Terry Cloth Johnston. Unisex! I like it!
Four weeks after that photo was taken, the studio was knee-deep in washcloths. Because towels have the gestation period of gerbils.
Sperm goes in, baby comes out. Never a miscommunication. Who can explain it?
How come Levi has 2 kids and Pat Buchanan doesn't have any? You can't explain it!
Certainly, no one from Wasilla.
We should open a maternity clothes store there and call it, "It Ain't Mono."
High-end branch (for Wasilla Hts.) "Je Station".
Ow my eyeballs.
kinda OT but for god's sake, now Arizona declares you're pregnant when you have your period. http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/04/01/…
Alaska declares a girl preggers as soon as Levi makes eye contact with her.
Stands to reason if loose splat is babbymurder.
We should have a separate post on this so we can have a feeding frenzy comment. But this is the natural outcome of the "life begins at conception" stance. Millions of little snowflake babies get criminally negligent homicided every year when women throw away their tampons. Thank heaven the Arizona Legislature is on the job.
Now it's "life begins at menstruation".
Like Bill Maher says, "Snowflake babies aren't real babies. They live in the freezer. You can't put a real baby in the freezer."
That's what the dumpsters behind church-run girls' schools are for!
I was going to ask if the Arizona legislators had any idea how human reproduction works but then I remembered that they outlawed science.
Despite the huge froth Amanda has worked herself into, this is how gestational age is always measured. The first day of a women's last menstrual period has always been the way to date a pregnancy, since knowing the actual date of conception is impossible. Sperm can live several days inside the the uterus/fallopian tubes and then the fertilized egg travels down the tubes to implant into the uterine wall. THAT is the date of conception (although there lots of arguments out there about whether conception occurs at implantation or fertilization – it depends on where you live). So doctors take first day of a women's last menstrual period as a universal starting point, regardless of the fact that this is probably NOT the first day of the pregnancy.
Mazel?
Another young lady is pregnant? Levi seems two tents to handle all of this.
I bet Sarah is underneath the towel.
white guys have no rhythm method.
Illiteracy, illegitimacy, complete absence of work ethic, serial promiscuity, statewide entitlement to government aid — it will be nearly impossible to break the generational cycle of dysfunction in that community. And yet, so many of their "leaders" continue to blame "The Black Man."
Specifically, the Black Man in the White House, but I suppose any hoodie-wearing Skittles-eating iced-tea-drinking one would do.
Let’s not undersell a rather cavalier attitude towards federal and state drug laws as a contributing factor. That said Mazel Tov, my hope for this child is identical to my hope for all children a long and fulfilling life filled with love.
And a tell-all book contract the second s/he turns 18…
And when has Newt Gingrich ever denounced white-on-white crime?
I'm sure he would if he thought it would get him into the news.
(assuming he'd be allowed to make an exception for adultery)
You left out parental drug-dealing, Chet.
Alas, they are the Blah Man's Burden.
Silly Wonkette, a high-school diploma is all you need to teach elementary school in Alaska. After all, it's not like the first-graders are reading Plato or doing calculus or anything.
It would seem they'd at least teach spacial geometry so kids could plot their ancestoral tree! That feat is probably some type of exponentially rampant fractal map.
Are you fucking serious? And whats the pay, minimum wage?
I'm betting not serious. I hope.
They want to make sure that they do things the normal Wasilla way, and don't want to be like those strange old people who hit 40 without any grandkids yet.
Can we start a pool for its name?
My guesses: Wilson, Jordan, Lucky, or Diesel.
Deuce?
I'm going with "Formica."
Place of conception?
Lee, Calvin, Sean John …
Wrangler Palin has a nice ring to it.
Not a Palin, though.
I suppose that is true. Wrangler Johnson (or maybe Johnson Wrangler) isn't bad tho…
Tire.
Retire? Would that get us deleted by administrator?
I don't think so. I can say that all I want. It's an ironic term of endearment.
Slipp?
Toshiba?
It was the first thing I saw which seems to be their technique.
Whoops?
Blip. Could it be anything else? and if it's a boy Blip-o-reno.
Smitty or Spider.
We should wait until we find out her father's favorite hooker's last name before we guess.
We should include strippers in that, too, because they could decide to name it Montana.
Zoey. Totally a guess.
Olive M. Keighdee?
Boy names: Pipeline, Fishbait, Oildrum.
Girl names: Crystal, Tweaker, Shovel (pronounced Sho-velle').
You're forgetting Levi's a hockey star. That opens up Bauer, Sher-wood, Skate, and That Gross Pile of Gray Snow That Falls Out of the Zamboni Right Before It Drives Off the Ice.
Or, for that sophisticated foreign touch, "Larondelle".
Zamboni, to acknowledge his Italian heritage m
It sure won't be Trojan.
No doubt about it, whatsoever, that it'll be "Twigg".
Twigg Johnston.
This is all going on because some idiot forgot to take the necessary precautions. I'm talking to you, John McCain!
Check it out Chet, I repeated.
Prolly a Degree in Methmatics…
With a minor in Psycho-Chemical Engineering.
I wonder what tattoos Sunny Oglesby has besides the obligatory rose on one breast, a tramp stamp and a solid bar obscuring the name of her first boyfriend.
I'm getting a rainbow, but does it involve dolphins? Mermaid? Butterflies? And is that a tweety bird? {white trash mind meld}
She should have Property Of ___________ tattooed just below her bikini line. That way new owners can just fill in the blank with a magic marker.
Magic marker is kind of long-lasting. Maybe just borrow her lipstick.
and a solid bar obscuring the name of her first boyfriend
Or a kind of oddly tilted "V" in "LEVI", indicating that her first tent-level boyfriend was named "Eli"
And a dotted line for her too quick uncle.
She graduated high school I bought her a trailer
In a little park by the side of the road
I could've had the Army
I could've had the Navy
But no I had to go for a mobile home
Yeah I guess I gave it all for you babe
There wasn't room in that trailer for two babe
I kept up with my interest
I kept up with my payments
She never said goodbye
I never asked why
Man we used to dance to Lynyrd Skynyrd
Boy she used to look so good at times
But I guess I gave it all to you babe
There's not room in no trailer for two babe
—Obscure Tom Petty song
That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.
Do we remember who the original poster of this golden chestnut was?
No Wire Hangers. Nevar Forgit!
Wow. There's my damn time machine! Thanks Elviously. It goes BACKWARDS though.
Your move GOP. Now do you want to change your stance on abortion and contraception?
Plus marriage. Something about one man and one woman being best for kids. Except when it's Bristol. And Levi. And that other one — Trank, I think.
Oh please, Barb. This story is crying out for the obligatory Fox chyron "Levi Johnson (D)."
This one's for the ladies….
I'm sure I saw a picture of Levi in one of those damn hoodies.
can't be. isn't he circumcised?
Fox has dibs on the fetus for co-host.
She's better than the last one. Won't need plastic surgery to look good.
Where's the Levi who was the darling of West Hollywood for a while, hmm? Levi could have had class. He coulda been somebody. He coulda been a contender, instead of a bum, which he is, let's face it.
I find it heartening that, in the event of catastrophic world depopulation, Levi Johnstones could repopulate the world in about three months. Humanity would be fucking stupid, but hey, you survive with the DNA you have not with what you want.
It's difficult to stomach the image of birthday suit Levi Johnson while the picture of Rick Santorum sucking a black… ice cream cone (?) occasionally flashes by next to the Wonkette masthead (The Rick Santorum Yells Rude Swear at Terrible Liberal Media story). So much porn for so early in the day.
Maybe Mitt needs to take some tips from Levi so when his wife checks he will be stiff.
I love how his FB profile pic is him with his FIRST bastard child.
Oh editirx, why oh why did you have to publish that photo. Congress doesn't get anything done already and now poor Lindsey is going to spend the entire afternoon fapping.
In fact, his absence can only help matters.
fapping?
Is that what you kids call masturbation these days?
Did you just get the Internet, Pops?
In which case, you learned it a little too late.
I dunno what is so interesting or original about that picture…I ALWAYS hold my towel like that, and for some reason no one has ever taken my pic and put it on teh interwebz. It does get me strange looks at the gym tho.
Wasilla marriage proposal: "You're gonna have a what?!?"
Brawndo it ain't….
Whoa! His schlong goes down to knee level!
Sarahcudda's got quite a grip, don't she!
It's actually on top of his neck.
BREAKING:
Mormon Church certifies that Levi is married to both Bristol and Sunny.
Agh! Agh! Write another post – anything! – quick! – so that slippery slab o' skinned fish isn't the first sight that pops up on the screen.
Damn you for making me feel as if I must go club a halibut to death, immediately, as in right now this instant.
Clubbing the halibut? Is that a new euphemism?
Club Halibut? I've heard 'trout' lots of times but halibut?
[Wipes hands on bloody rag]
Goodfellas
Went halibut fishing once. Caught a 72 pounder (2nd largest halibut of the day). We shot the fish. That's the proper way to get your halibut to sleep with the fishes.
Tsk. Poor Levi. Once a Playgirl model, now the centerfold for Guns 'n Ammo's special issue on Baby Daddies of the Frozen Frontier. Bless his trashy little heart.
Guns and Gardens
Is that the issue where his smooth twunk ass was all over that bear?
Maybe I'm just been out of the loop too long or just gettin' old, but I didn't know "twunk" was now a word.
Sure, like the Gwinch: twink, twank, twunk.
Wonkette, it isn't mean to call out babysitters when they hold themselves out as teachers. Actually it's kinda mean to the real teachers to let the fake ones pass.
Bristol will be the kid's step-baby momma.
Christ, man, it's COLD in Alaska. Put some clothes on!
He makes Gunther look sexy
http://www.gunthernet.com/
Gunther = Levi + 5 years
Thanks for bringing this back up.
Okay, I'm back complete with rosy cheeks and smile on my face.
Oh wait, Levi is STILL the first pic? Gotta go….again.
You better just hope your coworkers don't realize how long you're taking in the bathroom stall.
Why are his titties off kilter? He looks like an emoticon… sorta
And you didn't think anything could be worse than the Duggar's.
Alt txt: "It's true, in Alaska we only wash the Right one."
If Levi fathers one more illegitimate child he will be eligible for the NBA draft.
Golden White Boy Tom Brady approves this message.
Maybe he's aware of who Screamin' Jay Hawkins was and is trying to beat his record.
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/WolfFiles/Sto…
Is her full name, Sunny Delight? All sugar and rots your teeth…
Just wondered.
George Michael did a song about that type of teacher.
Did Snowbilly mention this on her Today show hosting gig? Like, I'm proud to announce that Levi, the father to my grandchild out of Brisket, is now going to be father to still another precious child. We look forward to having them over to our house for all the holidays. Remember kids: Don't use condoms.
Yet another lesson for Bristol to learn about the perils of unprotected sex: The American Public has to put up with the shenanigans of this douchnozzle until he dies, because she just haaaad to fuck him.
"Nine months later out it came-
A bow-legged bastard swingin' a chain."
Duh!
I can explain all this.
Even though his name sounds Jewish, he's really a Mexican.
And Mexicans like fucking…
Everyone who works at a school is a teacher…I thought everyone knew that. My question is…was she in a union?
Did anyone ever tell Levi that Playgirl is mostly read by gay men? Just curious.
Why do you think he did it? Another group to try to grift.
I'm getting the oddest sense of deja vu… Wait, isn't Bristol's new (forgot the qualifier) chinline almost identical to Sunny's? Enquiring minds, you betcha.
Might be a little late for this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUKt91wvPE8
If I never have to see that photo, again, I will die a decently-happy man. Alas, what is seen can not be unseen.
Sunny-Rae?
Why, bless her heart.
Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea
Nicely done!
Oh, it'll be a Johnson Wrangler. Trust me.
ROTFLMAO!!!!1!
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