MATA MMMMMM  10:54 am April 3, 2012

Wonkette Bookmaker: Which Cabinet Person Was Russian Spy Anna Chapman Trying To Lady-Bone?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Is Moose!Oh right so remember that redheaded lady spy? Well Assistant FBI Director for Counterintelligence C. Frank Figliuzzi told the Independent that her ladytrap was about to trap someone but good! Tell us more, Spencer Ackerman?

“They were getting close enough to a sitting U.S. cabinet member that we thought we could no longer allow this to continue,” says C. Frank Figliuzzi, the assistant FBI director for counterintelligence, according to the Independent. That alleged — repeat: alleged — sexual “closeness” prompted Figliuzzi’s agents to shift from monitoring Chapman’s crew of ten spies to arresting them in 2010.

We can probably take Eric Holder out of the running, because Anna Chapman is not blonde, and all African American dudes love blonde ladies it is the law. And we can take out Sexy Grandpa Joe Biden, because you know Dr. Jill Biden keeps her man happy. SO who is it then? BESIDES all of them?

Here is an up-to-date list of Obama’s cabinet, but our Google-fu is not up to figuring out which ones were sitting cabineteers in 2010, when Anna Chapman and her gang of loveable goofballs was arrested by the FBI for trying too hard to do sex to all the officials. We got a fin says it was Hillary, in the Library, with Janet and Steve. And if it wasn’t, it will be in our next screenplay. Leave your slash/fic in the comments, as always.

—>>>>Department of State: Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton<<<<---

Department of the Treasury: Secretary Timothy F. Geithner

Department of Defense: Secretary Leon E. Panetta

Department of the Interior: Secretary Kenneth L. Salazar

Department of Agriculture: Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack

Department of Commerce: Secretary John E. Bryson

Department of Labor: Secretary Hilda L. Solis

Department of Health and Human Services: Secretary Kathleen Sebelius

Department of Housing and Urban Development: Secretary Shaun L.S. Donovan

Department of Transportation: Secretary Ray LaHood

----->>>>Department of Energy: Secretary Steven Chu<<<<------

Department of Education: Secretary Arne Duncan

Department of Veterans Affairs: Secretary Eric K. Shinseki

----->>>>Department of Homeland Security: Secretary Janet A. Napolitano<<<<-----

[Wired]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 203 comments }

Chill-A-Sketch April 3, 2012 at 10:58 am

All of them, Katie. (I'd hit it too, btw)

el_donaldo April 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

Geek love to Steven Chu. You know he's a freak.

Sharkey April 3, 2012 at 11:11 am

Baby, you can drive my car…

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 11:24 am

werd. Geeks do it deeper.

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 11:30 am

One thing about geek lovin': we tend to try harder to make sure our partners are satisfied, instead of just caring about getting our own rocks off.

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Exactly…its bidirectional like thermodynamics.

mayor_quimby April 4, 2012 at 1:39 am

Sproing!!!

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Geeks are sexy.

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Aw, thanks and girl geeks are very sexy as well.

iburl April 3, 2012 at 11:46 am

Now we're up in the big leagues,
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, Chu and me baby,
There ain't nothin wrong with that.

WunkRocker April 3, 2012 at 12:04 pm

gets a movin' on upfist

mayor_quimby April 4, 2012 at 1:41 am

Why can't fish fry in the kitchen? I understand the beans rule, but fish?

el_donaldo April 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm

She'd be all like, "Steven, one night with you and I'll turn, please," and he'd be all, "No way, baby, I've got to jump in this TARDIS with the Doctor and save the universe again, and no, I ain't coming back for it."

ifthethunderdontgetya April 3, 2012 at 11:01 am

Department of Agriculture…she offered to service Vilsack's ball sack.
~

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 11:06 am

I'm sure the Russians wanted to get at those deep secrets about America's farm subsidies.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 1:51 am

Since they totally don't have any experience in subisidizing their agriculture…oh, sorry. lol

arduinohacker April 3, 2012 at 11:51 am

I'd say sec-ag too. Remember old SA Earl But'z comments about what darkies want, besides "loose shoes".

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

If I were a betting man……………….

prommie April 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

Hillary, of course!

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 12:32 pm

With Bill watching, simultaneously crying and masturbating.

bflrtsplk April 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

Ray La Hood, just the name invites all kinds of "interesting possibilities."

Slim_Pickins April 3, 2012 at 11:40 am

When he was a US congressman from Illinois, he was known as Congressman La Hood (R-Asphalt). Probably can't get it up for anything other than a big resurfacing good.

SexySmurf April 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

You can rule out Geithner; he's such an idiot he'd probably try to stick it in her ear or something.

iburl April 3, 2012 at 11:50 am

She'd walk out on him and he'd still give her 2 million dollars.

oldedinvn April 3, 2012 at 11:53 am

Just what is wrong about any almost orifice? Psstt. What is an orifice?

el_donaldo April 3, 2012 at 11:54 am

I'm just a modern guy.

vodkamuppet April 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm

The point is (heh) he'd still try sticking it somewhere.

Uniprober April 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

Easy. The republican.

nounverb911 April 3, 2012 at 11:06 am

Only if she was of the Lindsey Graham persuasion.

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 12:28 pm

And about 30 years younger and a boy.

sullivanst April 3, 2012 at 11:23 am

My thoughts too, but which: LaHood or Gates?

An_Outhouse April 3, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Definitely, a hold over from the Bush admin. My guess is Bobby "Hound dog" Gates.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 3, 2012 at 11:05 am

Geithner. He looks as wormy as Eliot Spitzer, and probably has to beg for ussypay.

Also, accountant.

BaldarTFlagass April 3, 2012 at 11:05 am

"I'm just here to help with the drinking and the fucking."

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 3, 2012 at 11:17 am

Why couldn't Reagan have said that, when he threw out his "most frightening nine words"?

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 11:05 am

*in my (not to brag, but perfect) Butt-Head voice*

Ahhhh huh-huh-huh. Hey Baby. I got state secrets.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 3, 2012 at 11:06 am

Did she have Bette Davis eyes?

gullywompr April 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Great, now that tune's gonna be stuck in my head all day. Thanks a lot, Dok.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Here, let me help!

sullivanst April 3, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Nope, knees.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 3, 2012 at 11:07 am

This post makes me fappy.

deanbooth April 3, 2012 at 5:40 pm

How does that song go? "You make me so very fappy. I'm so glad you came into my…"

mayor_quimby April 4, 2012 at 1:44 am

Eyes?

Maman April 3, 2012 at 11:07 am

I can see why the Russians would want to "infiltrate" certain departments, but Education just seems pointless even if Arne Duncan is nerdy cute.

DerrickWildcat April 3, 2012 at 11:07 am

Bob Vila

soeoho April 3, 2012 at 11:11 am

That information sir was "Eyes Only"!

elviouslyqueer April 3, 2012 at 11:07 am

I'll take "What is Janet Napolitano, in the wine cellar, with a generator-powered Sybian?" for $500, Alex.

Maman April 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

What is the obsession men have with that thing?

elviouslyqueer April 3, 2012 at 11:19 am

Um, it has a saddle, darling. HELLO.

Limeylizzie April 3, 2012 at 11:21 am

It does, what is it, I must have one.

elviouslyqueer April 3, 2012 at 11:26 am

For you, my dearie.*

*And yes, is SFW.

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Me too. I'll just realign that rascal.

ThundercatHo April 3, 2012 at 11:31 am

I've got like six or seven saddles in my tack room. Does this one come with some type of special attachment(s) or something?

teebob2000 April 3, 2012 at 2:10 pm

No, YOU come with the special attachment(s). Don't you get the concept?

Maman April 3, 2012 at 11:36 am

That is not a saddle? That is a piece of plastic with a dildo attached. My knees hurt just looking at it.

Geminisunmars April 3, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Typically designed by a man — they always want us on our knees.

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:11 am

I hope Watson doesn't beat you to that.

Watson/HAL 9000 2012
HAL 9000/Watson 2012

elviouslyqueer April 3, 2012 at 11:20 am
V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I come to our Wonquette for these educational opportunities. It's a life-long process!

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

I find this link easy to masterbate to.

Not_So_Much April 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

First thing I thought was Napolitano. Am I becoming a gross, right-wing douche for thinking that way? hold me…I'm a-skeered…

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Which cabinet member is stupider: Napolitano or Salazar? Well maybe La Hood. And Vilsack doesn't light up the op-ed pages with brilliance.

Was Hopey afraid of being intellectually outshined by his cabinet?

weejee April 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

Perhaps dear C. Frank had a confused over who won in 2008, and it is the Today Show's new bilge pump Sarah Palin?

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

Here I was hoping this was during the previous administration; then I'd go for Condoleeza. And that is a nice image in my head…

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 12:38 pm

And Qaddafi's, while he still had his.

mayor_quimby April 4, 2012 at 1:46 am

Is there a gap in that image? There is to me.

soeoho April 3, 2012 at 11:09 am

I've seen this movie…it was Rocky and Bulwinkle. Wait…is Rocky androgynous?

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:22 am

Sciuridae!

soeoho April 3, 2012 at 11:33 am

Petauristinae!
Sciuridaes tend to plummet.

teebob2000 April 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

Don't ask, don't tell.

Sharkey April 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

So, it's not Cabinet, it's CabiNUT?

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

Hey Wonkette Bookie.

I got $100 I'm jerking off to this Russian spy.

Barb April 3, 2012 at 11:11 am

Janet A. Napolitano, with a strap -on SS-(for surface-to-surface) ballistic missile. From Russia with love.

oldedinvn April 3, 2012 at 11:11 am

You people are not in the loop. She wanted me & won. I told her everything.
She got fired.

Blueb4sunrise April 3, 2012 at 11:12 am

I think it was the WH Cabinet Maker that she was getting close to.

Lascauxcaveman April 3, 2012 at 1:06 pm

He couldn't resist. She gave him wood.

axmxz April 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

She was trying to get into his drawers.

prommie April 3, 2012 at 11:14 am

Look, when you throw in the angle that you know, you just know, that Bill has been trying to work Hillz into a threesome for decades, it makes it a certainty, it was Hillary, egged on by Bill, angling for a three-way.

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:25 am

Though, the way I picture it, Bill is sitting at a distance in the dark. Only the slight amber glow of his cigar ash betrays that he is there.

Texan_Bulldog April 3, 2012 at 11:16 am

I'm going with Salazar–bet he wanted to get in HER interior.

Boojum April 3, 2012 at 11:16 am

Michelle?

A man can dream, can't he?

ManchuCandidate April 3, 2012 at 11:17 am

Clue meets Octopussy meets Blazing Saddles.

Obamapussy!!!

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 1:57 am

If your blazing saddle lasts for more than four hours…

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 11:18 am

Compromising any one of them is the same as compromising all of them. They are all involved in enough high level briefings and meetings that there's not much secret between them. Even if the discussion is not about agriculture, the Secretary of Agriculture is still listening and, as a presumeably smart guy, might even have some input on the discussion at hand. If you want Defense Department secrets, you don't go at the SECDEF directly because he knows you want more than his recipe for dip. You go after the people the SECDEF hangs out with and might say something to at a meeting or in the elevator going up. My guess would be the person least likely to think his (because you know it's a guy since there's Russian pussy at stake here) position is appreciated by others (because showing you're interested in the unappreciated is the key to every manipulative relationship). This would mean, Commerce, Interior or Agriculture. Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy.

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:28 am

"because showing you're interested in the unappreciated is the key to every manipulative relationship"

Dammit! You just describde my relationship with my dog; that manipulative german Bitch!

DrBobNM April 3, 2012 at 11:48 am

very good synopsis

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 11:49 am

Secretary Chu divulged his recipes a mere week after Chapman was deported.

Coincidence? Or…DUHN-dun DUUHHHNNN?!

Chet Kincaid April 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

You have an inordinate knowledge of tradecraft that would lead me to believe you are neither tinker, tailor nor soldier.

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Let's just say I used to know a great recipe for dip and leave it at that.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 12:12 pm

" Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy."

SLIDE RULE LIBEL!

SorosBot April 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm

What's a slide rule?

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 12:17 pm

You need one to pass your Calculus 5 (Differential Equations) class.

sullivanst April 3, 2012 at 12:29 pm

It helps you perform a Runge-Kutta.

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 12:56 pm

It makes you immune to pussy, so stay the hell away from them!

Guppy April 4, 2012 at 1:01 am

It's what we'll be forced to rely on after we overthrow the machines.

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Engineer shows up at work with a new bike. Another engineer asked where he got it. First engineer said a woman was riding it, saw him, then got off the bike and took off all her clothes. "You can have whatever you want," she said. The second engineer said, "Good thing you took the bike because the clothes wouldn't have fit you."

Guppy April 4, 2012 at 1:12 am

When something's never been much of an option for you to begin with, you tend to tune it out. Think of it as a Pavlovian reaction.

Or so I've heard.

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy.

And what if she rolled a night elf in WoW?

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 12:51 pm

He might fap to the toon, but only if he had the Nude Mod.

mayor_quimby April 4, 2012 at 1:51 am

You scare me, I am locking mydick in a box, for America.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 2:00 am

Chu is not at all happy in his work. He's probably the one the Congress beats up on the most for absolutely no reason, and my homestate liberals are pissed at him now because the administration has had to cut back spending on FRIB, and let him know it. This guy has got to be miserable. He can't do anything he wants to do because of politics.

magic_titty April 3, 2012 at 11:20 am

For your information, Rebecca, I do not care for blondes. Unless said blonde is Gillian Jacobs. Then all bets are off.

Boojum April 3, 2012 at 11:22 am
Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:29 am

I think I would tell her anything she wanted to know.

Sharkey April 3, 2012 at 11:44 am

The trick is to hold out until, you know, after.

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 12:45 pm

So… for all of 8 seconds?

Baconzgood April 3, 2012 at 11:47 am

Up fist…and that's not the only thing "up". Nudge nudge wink wink say no more nudge nudge.

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 12:33 pm

She's a real прядильщик !!!

axmxz April 3, 2012 at 8:34 pm

She is a real male spinner of woolen threads?

GunToting[Redacted] April 3, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I'll be in my bunk.

Limeylizzie April 3, 2012 at 11:23 am

I think Panetta, he looks like a man who really loves pussy, but doesn't get a lot of it.

mrblifil April 3, 2012 at 11:53 am

Very perceptive. He does have a certain Marv Albert quality, doesn't he.

Limeylizzie April 3, 2012 at 11:59 am

He has a certain melancholy to him.

WunkRocker April 3, 2012 at 12:06 pm

agreed. that was my #1 guess.

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I think Leon loves his country, but is sad his country has to do the things she does.

Limeylizzie April 3, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Exactly, I have always found him appealing, a decent man put in some untenable situations.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Today, we are all Leon Panetta.

Or is it just me?

ifthethunderdontgetya April 3, 2012 at 11:26 am

I clicked through to Wired to see her pic, and made the mistake of looking at the comments.

They're full of the Red State/Free Republic crew.

Susan

The russians don't need her ..Obama just gives them what they want to know anyway..

12 hours ago 225 Likes

~

ALIVE! April 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Yes, that's the nation our FBI counterintel is trying to 'save.' Sigh.

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 11:27 am

This is why I no longer keep my member in the cabinet.

Dashboard Buddha April 3, 2012 at 11:55 am

Nicely done.

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Thanks, D.B., and Happy B-Lated B-Day, too!

Your Russian bride is in the mail…

Dashboard Buddha April 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Is she a Russian Amputee Bride?

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Da.

Think IKEA, only messier…

Doktor StrangeZoom April 3, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Have you checked the medicine cabinet? For some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Thanks for the, um, tip, but I just found it lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven!

Ya got 17 bucks I cold borrow?

(True story…really!: King Missile played at the bar where I worked back in the early 90s, and as the new guy, I was tasked with fulfilling the detachable penis (i.e. dildo) portion of their rider. The poor thing went crowd surfing halfway through the song, and was never seen again. *sigh*)

DrBobNM April 3, 2012 at 11:28 am

had to be Panetta. Chapman had close ties to Putin. Who else could it be (other than HRC)?

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Agree. It has to be Panetta.

Sharkey April 3, 2012 at 11:29 am

It's not Hillary. Anna Chapman is not THAT desperate.

No one is.

prommie April 3, 2012 at 11:41 am

Hey, she is KGB, she'd take a patriotic dive for Mother Russia.

hagajim April 3, 2012 at 11:30 am

It has to be Geithner. After all, he was one of those Masters of the Universe types with all the sexytime connections in NYC – and besides, as a Wall Streeter he was gonna make it rain for the biyatch…either that or she offtered to tongue Tom's Vilsak….now there is some teabagging.

V572 Hogan Gidley April 3, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Actually Fivehead was a gummint employee all his life except for two years early in his career working for evil war dwarf Henry Kissinger. Paulson was the Gold Mansacks emeritus.

elviouslyqueer April 3, 2012 at 11:32 am

Tim Geithner's out of the running, although he'd still call her up for snuggling, tickle fights, toenail-painting, and watching old Julia Roberts rom-coms when his boyfriend is out of town.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 2:03 am

Really? Never got that vibe off of him.

Terry April 3, 2012 at 11:32 am

You know, it would have been easier for Anna Chapman to bone a Cabinet Secretary if she'd been actually living in DC. You know, where the various Secretaries move once they are appointed to office.

Did she wait in random Starbucks in Manhattan and wait for a Cabinet Secretary to just happen by?

Deportably_Jose April 3, 2012 at 11:50 am

Actually, this helps to narrow down our list of sexytimes espionage targets quite a bit.

Apropos of nothing, Timothy Geithner is from Westchester county, NY. My hometown, even; there was a Daily Show segment on how he was having trouble selling his house to move to DC.

John Birf Society April 3, 2012 at 11:33 am

Kathleen Sebelius for the fap. Silver. Freakin'. Fox.

DocChaos April 3, 2012 at 11:33 am

Apparently Ms. Chapman isn't the brightest bulb on the tree, so it was probably someone totally useless to the Kremlin – like the HUD secretary.

Terry April 3, 2012 at 11:34 am

"Department of Commerce: Secretary John E. Bryson"

Back when old Anna was active, the DOC Secretary was Gary Locke, if I recall correctly.

sullivanst April 3, 2012 at 11:42 am

Wikipedia agrees.

Mahousu April 3, 2012 at 12:40 pm

… who left rather abruptly to become ambassador to China. Hmmmm…

Blueb4sunrise April 3, 2012 at 11:35 am

OT.

New Mexico authorities have arrested three men found with a 220-pound calf in the backseat of their car

http://azstarnet.com/article_6e9b50be-46df-5019-a

donner_froh April 3, 2012 at 11:43 am

Now that's kinky
Luna County sheriff's office says a deputy pulled over their Honda Civic on Friday and saw the animal sharing the backseat with one of the alleged thieves.

BerkeleyBear April 3, 2012 at 11:53 am

Not quite as kinky as the Oregon State football player who stole the gay sheep a few years ago, but close.

Blueb4sunrise April 3, 2012 at 11:58 am

The Civic?

donner_froh April 3, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Three men and a 220 pound cow/calf/animal is a lot of flesh to put in a Civic.

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Get a rope!

(Uh, skullfuck them?)

Biff April 3, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Where's the birf certificate?

Slim_Pickins April 3, 2012 at 11:44 am

Maybe Elliot Spitzer taught Geithner a thing or three when they were "regulating" Wall St together.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 11:46 am

I said to myself when this story was breaking, I said "self, you retired from spying too soon!" Because back then, they looked like Golda Mier, none of that 007 shit was real.

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:54 am

Spies, now-a-days, have it just too fuckin' easy. Why in my day……………….

oldedinvn April 3, 2012 at 11:58 am

Where were you working? Just a

Where were you working. ? In case reincarnation happens, Gud spare me from that there place.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I am not currently, nor have I ever been, employed in the field of espionage. As usual, this comment will self-destruct in 5,4,3…

iburl April 3, 2012 at 11:49 am

Ahem.
Rham Emanuel.

prommie April 3, 2012 at 11:51 am

OT, we will all remember where we were when we heard this momentous news: Levi Johnston knocks up another Wassilla Tramp!

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:58 am

Why it seems like only yesterday that I was walking back from the office snack rack when I heard about the first Wassilla Tramp he sired a child with. Memories. Memories.

Steverino247 April 3, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Back and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back…and to the left.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Oh for fuck's sake, when will these fame-whores just go away?

mrblifil April 3, 2012 at 11:52 am

She wanted to see what was under LaHood?

Biff April 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm

She could be MY hood ornament any time.

Deportably_Jose April 3, 2012 at 11:54 am

Speaking of sexytimes honeypot entrapment, I see that we have some new PETA ads again. Will Shawna be replacing Kortney, in our hearts, and various other organs?

Blueb4sunrise April 3, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Ya gotta go to the PETA site and vote for her.
So I've heard.

MissTaken April 3, 2012 at 11:54 am

No Anna love for Hilda. I'm a bit disappointed in you all. Hilda would be my pick if I was a hot redheaded Russian spy.

mrblifil April 3, 2012 at 11:55 am

Is POTUS himself a Cabinet Member? Why discount the possibility of Obamasm?

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:59 am

I wonder if there is a Groupon for that?

sullivanst April 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Because Michelle's hotter than Anna Chapman. Also, scarier.

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 12:11 pm

He's got Michelle, 20 cabinets full of long hard sex. Besides, she'd probably pickup Barry and break him across her knee like hawaiian sugar cane.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 2:07 am

Anna's a girl; Michelle is a woman; and Obama ain't Bubba.

ElPinche April 3, 2012 at 11:57 am

It's Salazar. My fellow mescans looooooooooove ginger gals. Our dark chimichangan schlongs complement their milky white booty skin.

mayor_quimby April 4, 2012 at 1:52 am

Ewwwwww.

Tell me more of this perversion.

James Michael Curley April 3, 2012 at 11:58 am

Хильда Л. Солис cause in Russian it means 'love you long time.'

Dashboard Buddha April 3, 2012 at 11:59 am

Of course, this only proves that the FBI has a hard on for Obama and his socialistic godless, animist, Kenyan agenda. If the FBI were a true patriotic organization, it would have allowed Ms. Chapman to insinuate her way to a point that her involvement would have pulled down the usurper's administration.

Why does the FBI hate the United States?

thefrontpage April 3, 2012 at 11:59 am

I slept with Anna Chapman, several times, including one time on the Ellipse during the Christmas season, near that big fire pit in the ground, behind that building, because it was warm there. It was about 3 in the morning, and no one caught us. I met her at an Adams Morgan bar. She was pretty hot. There were two Congressional staffers on the Ellipse with us, but they weren't Cabinet secretaries. Chapman was not working at those higher levels; in fact, she mostly worked the bars of Adams Morgan, Georgetown, Chinatown and Capitol Hill to get and get close to Hill staffers. Oh, and Chapman also had torrid affairs with Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Christy O'Connell.

LastGasp April 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

"C. Frank Figliuzzi"? Is that the Italian translation of J.Edgar Hoover?

LiveToServeYa April 3, 2012 at 12:25 pm

In Soviet Union Federalist Russia, cabinet-with-woody bones you!

Callyson April 3, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I say it's a catfight between Timmy Geithner and Panetta. Don't envy Anna Chapman either way.

owhatever April 3, 2012 at 12:39 pm

The Feebs had allowed this to go on for a while rather than saying, Hey Cabinet member, you're screwing a Russky spy. Stop it, already. You just gave handed your hottie the sunflower crop five-year projections for southwestern Kansas.

HippieEsq April 3, 2012 at 12:59 pm

It was BILL Clinton and yes the Russians just assume he's got a permanent chair in the Cabinet Room, given all the stains he left on it and such.

Schmegeg April 3, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I saw a picture of this woman. I have secrets. I will not play hard to get.

Extemporanus April 3, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Callouses are your friend, my friend.

ttommyunger April 3, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Janet "The Face" Napolitano, natch; them Ruskies like to make their money the hard way.

DahBoner April 3, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I'm voting for Alicia Silverstone in Legally Blonde, just because I like her pout…

mayor_quimby April 4, 2012 at 1:38 am

Chu, or Geithner, both nerdy, hapless, and desperate enough to think power was gonna get them laid.
Both unaware that nobody gives a shit who, or knows who, they are. Easy marks, loose little trollops.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 1:48 am

Janet Napolitano, no doubt.

FakaktaSouth April 3, 2012 at 11:38 am

Yo. Put me down for two please. And if this thing was safe for work I might get a fucking job.

Limeylizzie April 3, 2012 at 11:44 am

Oh dear God, it's the final piece in my "Adorable, yet brave, peasant girl and SOE operative gets stopped by cruelly handsome Waffen SS officer and is strip-searched" fantasy.

Biff April 3, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I always learn something here at my wonket.

LesBontemps April 3, 2012 at 11:41 am

A fucking job? Isn't that what Anna Chapman had?

sullivanst April 3, 2012 at 11:46 am

Pretty sure they already made that movie.

Rule 34, and such.

Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 11:52 am

Now that's one I wouldn't have to watch through fingers coyly covering my eyes while feigning surprise!

Limeylizzie April 3, 2012 at 11:51 am

Black Book. It is pretty much my perfect fantasy/war-porn film, plucky Jewish girl infiltrates Gestapo HQ , falls for gorgeous officer who ends up being a “good” German. Plus lots of sexy, sexy scenes.

Limeylizzie April 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm
Jus_Wonderin April 3, 2012 at 12:07 pm

LL, is it closed captioned so I can turn the volume down and add my own erotic voice over?

FakaktaSouth April 3, 2012 at 12:12 pm

This is fantastic and makes me even MORE SURE I am a way mis-placed Dutch person way deep down inside. Also, Sebastian Koch, most elegant (non?)porn name ever.

Limeylizzie April 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm

It is an amazingly sexy and thrilling war movie, Mr Koch is delicious. Rent it and fap.

FakaktaSouth April 3, 2012 at 12:20 pm

So it is written, so shall it be done! Excellent.

Guppy April 3, 2012 at 12:37 pm

But you're also on top, or are you the "glass is half empty" kind of feminist?

Geminisunmars April 3, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I'm the “what does it benefiteth if the knee-skin is being rubbed off” kind of feminist.

elviouslyqueer April 3, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Peggy Noonan? That you?

Lascauxcaveman April 3, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Kneepads. Quit complaining.

Geminisunmars April 3, 2012 at 1:01 pm

More like Peggy Nooner…

Geminisunmars April 3, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Thanks Lascaux – that does complete the look.

Dashboard Buddha April 3, 2012 at 3:09 pm

No sweat…have hex-wrench, will travel.—

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