Oh right so remember that redheaded lady spy? Well Assistant FBI Director for Counterintelligence C. Frank Figliuzzi told the Independent that her ladytrap was about to trap someone but good! Tell us more, Spencer Ackerman?
“They were getting close enough to a sitting U.S. cabinet member that we thought we could no longer allow this to continue,” says C. Frank Figliuzzi, the assistant FBI director for counterintelligence, according to the Independent. That alleged — repeat: alleged — sexual “closeness” prompted Figliuzzi’s agents to shift from monitoring Chapman’s crew of ten spies to arresting them in 2010.
We can probably take Eric Holder out of the running, because Anna Chapman is not blonde, and all African American dudes love blonde ladies it is the law. And we can take out Sexy Grandpa Joe Biden, because you know Dr. Jill Biden keeps her man happy. SO who is it then? BESIDES all of them?
Here is an up-to-date list of Obama’s cabinet, but our Google-fu is not up to figuring out which ones were sitting cabineteers in 2010, when Anna Chapman and her gang of loveable goofballs was arrested by the FBI for trying too hard to do sex to all the officials. We got a fin says it was Hillary, in the Library, with Janet and Steve. And if it wasn’t, it will be in our next screenplay. Leave your slash/fic in the comments, as always.
—>>>>Department of State: Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton<<<<---
Department of the Treasury: Secretary Timothy F. Geithner
Department of Defense: Secretary Leon E. Panetta
Department of the Interior: Secretary Kenneth L. Salazar
Department of Agriculture: Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack
Department of Commerce: Secretary John E. Bryson
Department of Labor: Secretary Hilda L. Solis
Department of Health and Human Services: Secretary Kathleen Sebelius
Department of Housing and Urban Development: Secretary Shaun L.S. Donovan
Department of Transportation: Secretary Ray LaHood
----->>>>Department of Energy: Secretary Steven Chu<<<<------
Department of Education: Secretary Arne Duncan
Department of Veterans Affairs: Secretary Eric K. Shinseki
----->>>>Department of Homeland Security: Secretary Janet A. Napolitano<<<<-----
[Wired]
{ 203 comments }
All of them, Katie. (I'd hit it too, btw)
Geek love to Steven Chu. You know he's a freak.
Baby, you can drive my car…
werd. Geeks do it deeper.
One thing about geek lovin': we tend to try harder to make sure our partners are satisfied, instead of just caring about getting our own rocks off.
Exactly…its bidirectional like thermodynamics.
Sproing!!!
Geeks are sexy.
Aw, thanks and girl geeks are very sexy as well.
Now we're up in the big leagues,
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, Chu and me baby,
There ain't nothin wrong with that.
gets a movin' on upfist
Why can't fish fry in the kitchen? I understand the beans rule, but fish?
She'd be all like, "Steven, one night with you and I'll turn, please," and he'd be all, "No way, baby, I've got to jump in this TARDIS with the Doctor and save the universe again, and no, I ain't coming back for it."
Department of Agriculture…she offered to service Vilsack's ball sack.
~
I'm sure the Russians wanted to get at those deep secrets about America's farm subsidies.
Since they totally don't have any experience in subisidizing their agriculture…oh, sorry. lol
I'd say sec-ag too. Remember old SA Earl But'z comments about what darkies want, besides "loose shoes".
If I were a betting man……………….
Hillary, of course!
With Bill watching, simultaneously crying and masturbating.
Ray La Hood, just the name invites all kinds of "interesting possibilities."
When he was a US congressman from Illinois, he was known as Congressman La Hood (R-Asphalt). Probably can't get it up for anything other than a big resurfacing good.
You can rule out Geithner; he's such an idiot he'd probably try to stick it in her ear or something.
She'd walk out on him and he'd still give her 2 million dollars.
Just what is wrong about any almost orifice? Psstt. What is an orifice?
I'm just a modern guy.
The point is (heh) he'd still try sticking it somewhere.
Easy. The republican.
Only if she was of the Lindsey Graham persuasion.
And about 30 years younger and a boy.
My thoughts too, but which: LaHood or Gates?
Definitely, a hold over from the Bush admin. My guess is Bobby "Hound dog" Gates.
Geithner. He looks as wormy as Eliot Spitzer, and probably has to beg for ussypay.
Also, accountant.
"I'm just here to help with the drinking and the fucking."
Why couldn't Reagan have said that, when he threw out his "most frightening nine words"?
*in my (not to brag, but perfect) Butt-Head voice*
Ahhhh huh-huh-huh. Hey Baby. I got state secrets.
Did she have Bette Davis eyes?
Great, now that tune's gonna be stuck in my head all day. Thanks a lot, Dok.
Here, let me help!
Nope, knees.
This post makes me fappy.
How does that song go? "You make me so very fappy. I'm so glad you came into my…"
Eyes?
I can see why the Russians would want to "infiltrate" certain departments, but Education just seems pointless even if Arne Duncan is nerdy cute.
Bob Vila
That information sir was "Eyes Only"!
I'll take "What is Janet Napolitano, in the wine cellar, with a generator-powered Sybian?" for $500, Alex.
What is the obsession men have with that thing?
Um, it has a saddle, darling. HELLO.
It does, what is it, I must have one.
For you, my dearie.*
*And yes, is SFW.
Me too. I'll just realign that rascal.
I've got like six or seven saddles in my tack room. Does this one come with some type of special attachment(s) or something?
No, YOU come with the special attachment(s). Don't you get the concept?
That is not a saddle? That is a piece of plastic with a dildo attached. My knees hurt just looking at it.
Typically designed by a man — they always want us on our knees.
I hope Watson doesn't beat you to that.
Watson/HAL 9000 2012
HAL 9000/Watson 2012
ELEKTRO LIBEL.
I come to our Wonquette for these educational opportunities. It's a life-long process!
I find this link easy to masterbate to.
First thing I thought was Napolitano. Am I becoming a gross, right-wing douche for thinking that way? hold me…I'm a-skeered…
Which cabinet member is stupider: Napolitano or Salazar? Well maybe La Hood. And Vilsack doesn't light up the op-ed pages with brilliance.
Was Hopey afraid of being intellectually outshined by his cabinet?
Perhaps dear C. Frank had a confused over who won in 2008, and it is the Today Show's new bilge pump Sarah Palin?
Here I was hoping this was during the previous administration; then I'd go for Condoleeza. And that is a nice image in my head…
And Qaddafi's, while he still had his.
Is there a gap in that image? There is to me.
I've seen this movie…it was Rocky and Bulwinkle. Wait…is Rocky androgynous?
Sciuridae!
Petauristinae!
Sciuridaes tend to plummet.
Don't ask, don't tell.
So, it's not Cabinet, it's CabiNUT?
Hey Wonkette Bookie.
I got $100 I'm jerking off to this Russian spy.
Janet A. Napolitano, with a strap -on SS-(for surface-to-surface) ballistic missile. From Russia with love.
You people are not in the loop. She wanted me & won. I told her everything.
She got fired.
I think it was the WH Cabinet Maker that she was getting close to.
He couldn't resist. She gave him wood.
She was trying to get into his drawers.
Look, when you throw in the angle that you know, you just know, that Bill has been trying to work Hillz into a threesome for decades, it makes it a certainty, it was Hillary, egged on by Bill, angling for a three-way.
Though, the way I picture it, Bill is sitting at a distance in the dark. Only the slight amber glow of his cigar ash betrays that he is there.
I'm going with Salazar–bet he wanted to get in HER interior.
Michelle?
A man can dream, can't he?
Clue meets Octopussy meets Blazing Saddles.
Obamapussy!!!
If your blazing saddle lasts for more than four hours…
Compromising any one of them is the same as compromising all of them. They are all involved in enough high level briefings and meetings that there's not much secret between them. Even if the discussion is not about agriculture, the Secretary of Agriculture is still listening and, as a presumeably smart guy, might even have some input on the discussion at hand. If you want Defense Department secrets, you don't go at the SECDEF directly because he knows you want more than his recipe for dip. You go after the people the SECDEF hangs out with and might say something to at a meeting or in the elevator going up. My guess would be the person least likely to think his (because you know it's a guy since there's Russian pussy at stake here) position is appreciated by others (because showing you're interested in the unappreciated is the key to every manipulative relationship). This would mean, Commerce, Interior or Agriculture. Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy.
"because showing you're interested in the unappreciated is the key to every manipulative relationship"
Dammit! You just describde my relationship with my dog; that manipulative german Bitch!
very good synopsis
Secretary Chu divulged his recipes a mere week after Chapman was deported.
Coincidence? Or…DUHN-dun DUUHHHNNN?!
You have an inordinate knowledge of tradecraft that would lead me to believe you are neither tinker, tailor nor soldier.
Let's just say I used to know a great recipe for dip and leave it at that.
" Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy."
SLIDE RULE LIBEL!
What's a slide rule?
You need one to pass your Calculus 5 (Differential Equations) class.
It helps you perform a Runge-Kutta.
It makes you immune to pussy, so stay the hell away from them!
It's what we'll be forced to rely on after we overthrow the machines.
Engineer shows up at work with a new bike. Another engineer asked where he got it. First engineer said a woman was riding it, saw him, then got off the bike and took off all her clothes. "You can have whatever you want," she said. The second engineer said, "Good thing you took the bike because the clothes wouldn't have fit you."
When something's never been much of an option for you to begin with, you tend to tune it out. Think of it as a Pavlovian reaction.
Or so I've heard.
And what if she rolled a night elf in WoW?
He might fap to the toon, but only if he had the Nude Mod.
You scare me, I am locking mydick in a box, for America.
Chu is not at all happy in his work. He's probably the one the Congress beats up on the most for absolutely no reason, and my homestate liberals are pissed at him now because the administration has had to cut back spending on FRIB, and let him know it. This guy has got to be miserable. He can't do anything he wants to do because of politics.
For your information, Rebecca, I do not care for blondes. Unless said blonde is Gillian Jacobs. Then all bets are off.
Enjoy.
http://www.annachapman.ru/ru/gallery/album/main
I think I would tell her anything she wanted to know.
The trick is to hold out until, you know, after.
So… for all of 8 seconds?
Up fist…and that's not the only thing "up". Nudge nudge wink wink say no more nudge nudge.
She's a real прядильщик !!!
She is a real male spinner of woolen threads?
I'll be in my bunk.
I think Panetta, he looks like a man who really loves pussy, but doesn't get a lot of it.
Very perceptive. He does have a certain Marv Albert quality, doesn't he.
He has a certain melancholy to him.
agreed. that was my #1 guess.
I think Leon loves his country, but is sad his country has to do the things she does.
Exactly, I have always found him appealing, a decent man put in some untenable situations.
Today, we are all Leon Panetta.
Or is it just me?
I clicked through to Wired to see her pic, and made the mistake of looking at the comments.
They're full of the Red State/Free Republic crew.
~
Yes, that's the nation our FBI counterintel is trying to 'save.' Sigh.
This is why I no longer keep my member in the cabinet.
Nicely done.
Thanks, D.B., and Happy B-Lated B-Day, too!
Your Russian bride is in the mail…
Is she a Russian Amputee Bride?
Da.
Think IKEA, only messier…
Have you checked the medicine cabinet? For some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
Thanks for the, um, tip, but I just found it lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven!
Ya got 17 bucks I cold borrow?
(True story…really!: King Missile played at the bar where I worked back in the early 90s, and as the new guy, I was tasked with fulfilling the detachable penis (i.e. dildo) portion of their rider. The poor thing went crowd surfing halfway through the song, and was never seen again. *sigh*)
had to be Panetta. Chapman had close ties to Putin. Who else could it be (other than HRC)?
Agree. It has to be Panetta.
It's not Hillary. Anna Chapman is not THAT desperate.
No one is.
Hey, she is KGB, she'd take a patriotic dive for Mother Russia.
It has to be Geithner. After all, he was one of those Masters of the Universe types with all the sexytime connections in NYC – and besides, as a Wall Streeter he was gonna make it rain for the biyatch…either that or she offtered to tongue Tom's Vilsak….now there is some teabagging.
Actually Fivehead was a gummint employee all his life except for two years early in his career working for evil war dwarf Henry Kissinger. Paulson was the Gold Mansacks emeritus.
Tim Geithner's out of the running, although he'd still call her up for snuggling, tickle fights, toenail-painting, and watching old Julia Roberts rom-coms when his boyfriend is out of town.
Really? Never got that vibe off of him.
You know, it would have been easier for Anna Chapman to bone a Cabinet Secretary if she'd been actually living in DC. You know, where the various Secretaries move once they are appointed to office.
Did she wait in random Starbucks in Manhattan and wait for a Cabinet Secretary to just happen by?
Actually, this helps to narrow down our list of sexytimes espionage targets quite a bit.
Apropos of nothing, Timothy Geithner is from Westchester county, NY. My hometown, even; there was a Daily Show segment on how he was having trouble selling his house to move to DC.
Kathleen Sebelius for the fap. Silver. Freakin'. Fox.
Apparently Ms. Chapman isn't the brightest bulb on the tree, so it was probably someone totally useless to the Kremlin – like the HUD secretary.
"Department of Commerce: Secretary John E. Bryson"
Back when old Anna was active, the DOC Secretary was Gary Locke, if I recall correctly.
Wikipedia agrees.
… who left rather abruptly to become ambassador to China. Hmmmm…
OT.
http://azstarnet.com/article_6e9b50be-46df-5019-a…
Now that's kinky
Luna County sheriff's office says a deputy pulled over their Honda Civic on Friday and saw the animal sharing the backseat with one of the alleged thieves.
Not quite as kinky as the Oregon State football player who stole the gay sheep a few years ago, but close.
The Civic?
Three men and a 220 pound cow/calf/animal is a lot of flesh to put in a Civic.
Get a rope!
(Uh, skullfuck them?)
Where's the birf certificate?
Maybe Elliot Spitzer taught Geithner a thing or three when they were "regulating" Wall St together.
I said to myself when this story was breaking, I said "self, you retired from spying too soon!" Because back then, they looked like Golda Mier, none of that 007 shit was real.
Spies, now-a-days, have it just too fuckin' easy. Why in my day……………….
Where were you working? Just a
Where were you working. ? In case reincarnation happens, Gud spare me from that there place.
I am not currently, nor have I ever been, employed in the field of espionage. As usual, this comment will self-destruct in 5,4,3…
Ahem.
Rham Emanuel.
OT, we will all remember where we were when we heard this momentous news: Levi Johnston knocks up another Wassilla Tramp!
Why it seems like only yesterday that I was walking back from the office snack rack when I heard about the first Wassilla Tramp he sired a child with. Memories. Memories.
Back and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back…and to the left.
Oh for fuck's sake, when will these fame-whores just go away?
She wanted to see what was under LaHood?
She could be MY hood ornament any time.
Speaking of sexytimes honeypot entrapment, I see that we have some new PETA ads again. Will Shawna be replacing Kortney, in our hearts, and various other organs?
Ya gotta go to the PETA site and vote for her.
So I've heard.
No Anna love for Hilda. I'm a bit disappointed in you all. Hilda would be my pick if I was a hot redheaded Russian spy.
Is POTUS himself a Cabinet Member? Why discount the possibility of Obamasm?
I wonder if there is a Groupon for that?
Because Michelle's hotter than Anna Chapman. Also, scarier.
He's got Michelle, 20 cabinets full of long hard sex. Besides, she'd probably pickup Barry and break him across her knee like hawaiian sugar cane.
Anna's a girl; Michelle is a woman; and Obama ain't Bubba.
It's Salazar. My fellow mescans looooooooooove ginger gals. Our dark chimichangan schlongs complement their milky white booty skin.
Ewwwwww.
Tell me more of this perversion.
Хильда Л. Солис cause in Russian it means 'love you long time.'
Of course, this only proves that the FBI has a hard on for Obama and his socialistic godless, animist, Kenyan agenda. If the FBI were a true patriotic organization, it would have allowed Ms. Chapman to insinuate her way to a point that her involvement would have pulled down the usurper's administration.
Why does the FBI hate the United States?
I slept with Anna Chapman, several times, including one time on the Ellipse during the Christmas season, near that big fire pit in the ground, behind that building, because it was warm there. It was about 3 in the morning, and no one caught us. I met her at an Adams Morgan bar. She was pretty hot. There were two Congressional staffers on the Ellipse with us, but they weren't Cabinet secretaries. Chapman was not working at those higher levels; in fact, she mostly worked the bars of Adams Morgan, Georgetown, Chinatown and Capitol Hill to get and get close to Hill staffers. Oh, and Chapman also had torrid affairs with Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Christy O'Connell.
"C. Frank Figliuzzi"? Is that the Italian translation of J.Edgar Hoover?
In
Soviet UnionFederalist Russia, cabinet-with-woody bones you!I say it's a catfight between Timmy Geithner and Panetta. Don't envy Anna Chapman either way.
The Feebs had allowed this to go on for a while rather than saying, Hey Cabinet member, you're screwing a Russky spy. Stop it, already. You just gave handed your hottie the sunflower crop five-year projections for southwestern Kansas.
It was BILL Clinton and yes the Russians just assume he's got a permanent chair in the Cabinet Room, given all the stains he left on it and such.
I saw a picture of this woman. I have secrets. I will not play hard to get.
Callouses are your friend, my friend.
Janet "The Face" Napolitano, natch; them Ruskies like to make their money the hard way.
I'm voting for Alicia Silverstone in Legally Blonde, just because I like her pout…
Chu, or Geithner, both nerdy, hapless, and desperate enough to think power was gonna get them laid.
Both unaware that nobody gives a shit who, or knows who, they are. Easy marks, loose little trollops.
Janet Napolitano, no doubt.
Yo. Put me down for two please. And if this thing was safe for work I might get a fucking job.
Oh dear God, it's the final piece in my "Adorable, yet brave, peasant girl and SOE operative gets stopped by cruelly handsome Waffen SS officer and is strip-searched" fantasy.
I always learn something here at my wonket.
A fucking job? Isn't that what Anna Chapman had?
Pretty sure they already made that movie.
Rule 34, and such.
Now that's one I wouldn't have to watch through fingers coyly covering my eyes while feigning surprise!
Black Book. It is pretty much my perfect fantasy/war-porn film, plucky Jewish girl infiltrates Gestapo HQ , falls for gorgeous officer who ends up being a “good” German. Plus lots of sexy, sexy scenes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Book_(film)
LL, is it closed captioned so I can turn the volume down and add my own erotic voice over?
This is fantastic and makes me even MORE SURE I am a way mis-placed Dutch person way deep down inside. Also, Sebastian Koch, most elegant (non?)porn name ever.
It is an amazingly sexy and thrilling war movie, Mr Koch is delicious. Rent it and fap.
So it is written, so shall it be done! Excellent.
But you're also on top, or are you the "glass is half empty" kind of feminist?
I'm the “what does it benefiteth if the knee-skin is being rubbed off” kind of feminist.
Peggy Noonan? That you?
Kneepads. Quit complaining.
More like Peggy Nooner…
Thanks Lascaux – that does complete the look.
No sweat…have hex-wrench, will travel.—
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