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Wonkette Bookmaker: Which Cabinet Person Was Russian Spy Anna Chapman Trying To Lady-Bone?

Is Moose!Oh right so remember that redheaded lady spy? Well Assistant FBI Director for Counterintelligence C. Frank Figliuzzi told the Independent that her ladytrap was about to trap someone but good! Tell us more, Spencer Ackerman?

“They were getting close enough to a sitting U.S. cabinet member that we thought we could no longer allow this to continue,” says C. Frank Figliuzzi, the assistant FBI director for counterintelligence, according to the Independent. That alleged — repeat: alleged — sexual “closeness” prompted Figliuzzi’s agents to shift from monitoring Chapman’s crew of ten spies to arresting them in 2010.

We can probably take Eric Holder out of the running, because Anna Chapman is not blonde, and all African American dudes love blonde ladies it is the law. And we can take out Sexy Grandpa Joe Biden, because you know Dr. Jill Biden keeps her man happy. SO who is it then? BESIDES all of them?

Here is an up-to-date list of Obama’s cabinet, but our Google-fu is not up to figuring out which ones were sitting cabineteers in 2010, when Anna Chapman and her gang of loveable goofballs was arrested by the FBI for trying too hard to do sex to all the officials. We got a fin says it was Hillary, in the Library, with Janet and Steve. And if it wasn’t, it will be in our next screenplay. Leave your slash/fic in the comments, as always.

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—>>>>Department of State: Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton<<<<---

Department of the Treasury: Secretary Timothy F. Geithner

Department of Defense: Secretary Leon E. Panetta

Department of the Interior: Secretary Kenneth L. Salazar

Department of Agriculture: Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack

Department of Commerce: Secretary John E. Bryson

Department of Labor: Secretary Hilda L. Solis

Department of Health and Human Services: Secretary Kathleen Sebelius

Department of Housing and Urban Development: Secretary Shaun L.S. Donovan

Department of Transportation: Secretary Ray LaHood

----->>>>Department of Energy: Secretary Steven Chu<<<<------

Department of Education: Secretary Arne Duncan

Department of Veterans Affairs: Secretary Eric K. Shinseki

----->>>>Department of Homeland Security: Secretary Janet A. Napolitano<<<<-----

[Wired]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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203 comments

      1. SorosBot

        One thing about geek lovin': we tend to try harder to make sure our partners are satisfied, instead of just caring about getting our own rocks off.

    1. iburl

      Now we're up in the big leagues,
      Gettin' our turn at bat.
      As long as we live, Chu and me baby,
      There ain't nothin wrong with that.

    2. el_donaldo

      She'd be all like, "Steven, one night with you and I'll turn, please," and he'd be all, "No way, baby, I've got to jump in this TARDIS with the Doctor and save the universe again, and no, I ain't coming back for it."

    1. SorosBot

      I'm sure the Russians wanted to get at those deep secrets about America's farm subsidies.

      1. Negropolis

        Since they totally don't have any experience in subisidizing their agriculture…oh, sorry. lol

    2. arduinohacker

      I'd say sec-ag too. Remember old SA Earl But'z comments about what darkies want, besides "loose shoes".

    1. Slim_Pickins

      When he was a US congressman from Illinois, he was known as Congressman La Hood (R-Asphalt). Probably can't get it up for anything other than a big resurfacing good.

  1. SexySmurf

    You can rule out Geithner; he's such an idiot he'd probably try to stick it in her ear or something.

  2. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Geithner. He looks as wormy as Eliot Spitzer, and probably has to beg for ussypay.

    Also, accountant.

    1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Why couldn't Reagan have said that, when he threw out his "most frightening nine words"?

  3. Baconzgood

    *in my (not to brag, but perfect) Butt-Head voice*

    Ahhhh huh-huh-huh. Hey Baby. I got state secrets.

  4. Maman

    I can see why the Russians would want to "infiltrate" certain departments, but Education just seems pointless even if Arne Duncan is nerdy cute.

  5. elviouslyqueer

    I'll take "What is Janet Napolitano, in the wine cellar, with a generator-powered Sybian?" for $500, Alex.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Yo. Put me down for two please. And if this thing was safe for work I might get a fucking job.

          2. Limeylizzie

            Oh dear God, it's the final piece in my "Adorable, yet brave, peasant girl and SOE operative gets stopped by cruelly handsome Waffen SS officer and is strip-searched" fantasy.

          3. Limeylizzie

            Black Book. It is pretty much my perfect fantasy/war-porn film, plucky Jewish girl infiltrates Gestapo HQ , falls for gorgeous officer who ends up being a “good” German. Plus lots of sexy, sexy scenes.

          4. Jus_Wonderin

            LL, is it closed captioned so I can turn the volume down and add my own erotic voice over?

          5. Jus_Wonderin

            Now that's one I wouldn't have to watch through fingers coyly covering my eyes while feigning surprise!

          6. FakaktaSouth

            This is fantastic and makes me even MORE SURE I am a way mis-placed Dutch person way deep down inside. Also, Sebastian Koch, most elegant (non?)porn name ever.

          7. Limeylizzie

            It is an amazingly sexy and thrilling war movie, Mr Koch is delicious. Rent it and fap.

        1. ThundercatHo

          I've got like six or seven saddles in my tack room. Does this one come with some type of special attachment(s) or something?

          1. Geminisunmars

            I'm the “what does it benefiteth if the knee-skin is being rubbed off” kind of feminist.

    1. V572 Hogan Gidley

      I come to our Wonquette for these educational opportunities. It's a life-long process!

  6. Not_So_Much

    First thing I thought was Napolitano. Am I becoming a gross, right-wing douche for thinking that way? hold me…I'm a-skeered…

    1. V572 Hogan Gidley

      Which cabinet member is stupider: Napolitano or Salazar? Well maybe La Hood. And Vilsack doesn't light up the op-ed pages with brilliance.

      Was Hopey afraid of being intellectually outshined by his cabinet?

  7. SorosBot

    Here I was hoping this was during the previous administration; then I'd go for Condoleeza. And that is a nice image in my head…

  8. Barb

    Janet A. Napolitano, with a strap -on SS-(for surface-to-surface) ballistic missile. From Russia with love.

  9. oldedinvn

    You people are not in the loop. She wanted me & won. I told her everything.
    She got fired.

  10. prommie

    Look, when you throw in the angle that you know, you just know, that Bill has been trying to work Hillz into a threesome for decades, it makes it a certainty, it was Hillary, egged on by Bill, angling for a three-way.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Though, the way I picture it, Bill is sitting at a distance in the dark. Only the slight amber glow of his cigar ash betrays that he is there.

  11. Steverino247

    Compromising any one of them is the same as compromising all of them. They are all involved in enough high level briefings and meetings that there's not much secret between them. Even if the discussion is not about agriculture, the Secretary of Agriculture is still listening and, as a presumeably smart guy, might even have some input on the discussion at hand. If you want Defense Department secrets, you don't go at the SECDEF directly because he knows you want more than his recipe for dip. You go after the people the SECDEF hangs out with and might say something to at a meeting or in the elevator going up. My guess would be the person least likely to think his (because you know it's a guy since there's Russian pussy at stake here) position is appreciated by others (because showing you're interested in the unappreciated is the key to every manipulative relationship). This would mean, Commerce, Interior or Agriculture. Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "because showing you're interested in the unappreciated is the key to every manipulative relationship"

      Dammit! You just describde my relationship with my dog; that manipulative german Bitch!

    2. V572 Hogan Gidley

      " Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy."

      SLIDE RULE LIBEL!

      1. Steverino247

        Engineer shows up at work with a new bike. Another engineer asked where he got it. First engineer said a woman was riding it, saw him, then got off the bike and took off all her clothes. "You can have whatever you want," she said. The second engineer said, "Good thing you took the bike because the clothes wouldn't have fit you."

        1. Guppy

          When something's never been much of an option for you to begin with, you tend to tune it out. Think of it as a Pavlovian reaction.

          Or so I've heard.

    3. Guppy

      Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy.

      And what if she rolled a night elf in WoW?

    4. Negropolis

      Chu is not at all happy in his work. He's probably the one the Congress beats up on the most for absolutely no reason, and my homestate liberals are pissed at him now because the administration has had to cut back spending on FRIB, and let him know it. This guy has got to be miserable. He can't do anything he wants to do because of politics.

  12. magic_titty

    For your information, Rebecca, I do not care for blondes. Unless said blonde is Gillian Jacobs. Then all bets are off.

    1. Baconzgood

      Up fist…and that's not the only thing "up". Nudge nudge wink wink say no more nudge nudge.

  13. Limeylizzie

    I think Panetta, he looks like a man who really loves pussy, but doesn't get a lot of it.

        1. Steverino247

          I think Leon loves his country, but is sad his country has to do the things she does.

          1. Limeylizzie

            Exactly, I have always found him appealing, a decent man put in some untenable situations.

  14. ifthethunderdontgetya

    I clicked through to Wired to see her pic, and made the mistake of looking at the comments.

    They're full of the Red State/Free Republic crew.

    Susan

    The russians don't need her ..Obama just gives them what they want to know anyway..

    12 hours ago 225 Likes

    ~

      1. Extemporanus

        Thanks for the, um, tip, but I just found it lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven!

        Ya got 17 bucks I cold borrow?

        (True story…really!: King Missile played at the bar where I worked back in the early 90s, and as the new guy, I was tasked with fulfilling the detachable penis (i.e. dildo) portion of their rider. The poor thing went crowd surfing halfway through the song, and was never seen again. *sigh*)

  15. DrBobNM

    had to be Panetta. Chapman had close ties to Putin. Who else could it be (other than HRC)?

  16. hagajim

    It has to be Geithner. After all, he was one of those Masters of the Universe types with all the sexytime connections in NYC – and besides, as a Wall Streeter he was gonna make it rain for the biyatch…either that or she offtered to tongue Tom's Vilsak….now there is some teabagging.

    1. V572 Hogan Gidley

      Actually Fivehead was a gummint employee all his life except for two years early in his career working for evil war dwarf Henry Kissinger. Paulson was the Gold Mansacks emeritus.

  17. elviouslyqueer

    Tim Geithner's out of the running, although he'd still call her up for snuggling, tickle fights, toenail-painting, and watching old Julia Roberts rom-coms when his boyfriend is out of town.

  18. Terry

    You know, it would have been easier for Anna Chapman to bone a Cabinet Secretary if she'd been actually living in DC. You know, where the various Secretaries move once they are appointed to office.

    Did she wait in random Starbucks in Manhattan and wait for a Cabinet Secretary to just happen by?

    1. Deportably_Jose

      Actually, this helps to narrow down our list of sexytimes espionage targets quite a bit.

      Apropos of nothing, Timothy Geithner is from Westchester county, NY. My hometown, even; there was a Daily Show segment on how he was having trouble selling his house to move to DC.

  19. DocChaos

    Apparently Ms. Chapman isn't the brightest bulb on the tree, so it was probably someone totally useless to the Kremlin – like the HUD secretary.

  20. Terry

    "Department of Commerce: Secretary John E. Bryson"

    Back when old Anna was active, the DOC Secretary was Gary Locke, if I recall correctly.

    1. donner_froh

      Now that's kinky
      Luna County sheriff's office says a deputy pulled over their Honda Civic on Friday and saw the animal sharing the backseat with one of the alleged thieves.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Not quite as kinky as the Oregon State football player who stole the gay sheep a few years ago, but close.

  21. Slim_Pickins

    Maybe Elliot Spitzer taught Geithner a thing or three when they were "regulating" Wall St together.

  22. Biff

    I said to myself when this story was breaking, I said "self, you retired from spying too soon!" Because back then, they looked like Golda Mier, none of that 007 shit was real.

    1. oldedinvn

      Where were you working? Just a

      Where were you working. ? In case reincarnation happens, Gud spare me from that there place.

      1. Biff

        I am not currently, nor have I ever been, employed in the field of espionage. As usual, this comment will self-destruct in 5,4,3…

  23. prommie

    OT, we will all remember where we were when we heard this momentous news: Levi Johnston knocks up another Wassilla Tramp!

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Why it seems like only yesterday that I was walking back from the office snack rack when I heard about the first Wassilla Tramp he sired a child with. Memories. Memories.

  24. Deportably_Jose

    Speaking of sexytimes honeypot entrapment, I see that we have some new PETA ads again. Will Shawna be replacing Kortney, in our hearts, and various other organs?

  25. MissTaken

    No Anna love for Hilda. I'm a bit disappointed in you all. Hilda would be my pick if I was a hot redheaded Russian spy.

    1. ElPinche

      He's got Michelle, 20 cabinets full of long hard sex. Besides, she'd probably pickup Barry and break him across her knee like hawaiian sugar cane.

  26. ElPinche

    It's Salazar. My fellow mescans looooooooooove ginger gals. Our dark chimichangan schlongs complement their milky white booty skin.

  27. Dashboard Buddha

    Of course, this only proves that the FBI has a hard on for Obama and his socialistic godless, animist, Kenyan agenda. If the FBI were a true patriotic organization, it would have allowed Ms. Chapman to insinuate her way to a point that her involvement would have pulled down the usurper's administration.

    Why does the FBI hate the United States?

  28. thefrontpage

    I slept with Anna Chapman, several times, including one time on the Ellipse during the Christmas season, near that big fire pit in the ground, behind that building, because it was warm there. It was about 3 in the morning, and no one caught us. I met her at an Adams Morgan bar. She was pretty hot. There were two Congressional staffers on the Ellipse with us, but they weren't Cabinet secretaries. Chapman was not working at those higher levels; in fact, she mostly worked the bars of Adams Morgan, Georgetown, Chinatown and Capitol Hill to get and get close to Hill staffers. Oh, and Chapman also had torrid affairs with Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Christy O'Connell.

  29. Callyson

    I say it's a catfight between Timmy Geithner and Panetta. Don't envy Anna Chapman either way.

  30. owhatever

    The Feebs had allowed this to go on for a while rather than saying, Hey Cabinet member, you're screwing a Russky spy. Stop it, already. You just gave handed your hottie the sunflower crop five-year projections for southwestern Kansas.

  31. HippieEsq

    It was BILL Clinton and yes the Russians just assume he's got a permanent chair in the Cabinet Room, given all the stains he left on it and such.

  32. ttommyunger

    Janet "The Face" Napolitano, natch; them Ruskies like to make their money the hard way.

  33. mayor_quimby

    Chu, or Geithner, both nerdy, hapless, and desperate enough to think power was gonna get them laid.
    Both unaware that nobody gives a shit who, or knows who, they are. Easy marks, loose little trollops.

Comments are closed.