Fabulous Celebrities!Remember like a week ago, when “bad boy” Breitbart reporter Jason Mattera turned out to be “bad” at his job? There he was, just cold grillin’ Bono about being a big huge hypocrite for, we don’t know, probably “taxes and Africa,” and he was all GOTCHA! and Sean Hannity was all yes, please, let’s put that on television, but then it turned out “Bono” was some pudgy schlub who didn’t even have a fake Irish accent. Well, be excited, because Jason Mattera now has an entire book where he can not recognize all the Hollywood celebrities in the whole wide world! (Jason, if you want to ask Michael Jackson about “Africa and taxes,” there are two of him outside Grauman’s right now, with Spider-Man. You are welcome!) Now let us review Ghost of Andrew Breitbart’s book review about this book, Hollywood Hypocrites, because it is even better than the real thing baby!


This article is full of enjoyable examples of Hollywood celebrities being jerks, like did you know that fat gravel-voiced sexmonster Alec Baldwin is just constantly not moving to Canada, and he yelled at his daughter one time that she was being a selfish little pig? Your Wonkette knew a lot of people who thought that was terrible, but Your Wonkette actually thinks when a child is being a selfish little pig, you should yell that at them, because if you don’t correct children they grow up to be entitled cunts like Tucker Carlson. Also, you should call your children cunts if they are being them. But how is Alec Baldwin hurting America now?

His current gig is as part of Occupy Being the Spokesman for a Giant Multinational Bank.

That was a funny line, so “kadooz” to Kurt Schlichter! Those commercials are terrible!

Director Oliver Stone shows up too, figuratively pleasuring every commie potentate who’ll let him within slobbering distance. Mattera is cruel to Ollie, and delightfully direct when dropping little nukes like “it becomes clear why a communist like Oliver Stone would be rooting for a socialist like Obama.”

That’s not really a nuke, more of a reflexive morning hairball, but congratulations rightwingers for calling Obama a socialist so many times that more Americans now approve of Socialism than Congress. So thank you from Socialists!

As for wizened Cameron Diaz, Mattera dismisses her as “another pot-head who should keep her drug-loving, eco-preaching yap shut.”

I need to party with Mattera.

Yeah, that is a pretty good zing. Hey all you women in your late 30s, shut your fucking pieholes nobody wants to fuck you anymore!

Then there is a bunch of long paragraphs about Spike Lee and Matt Damon, and Matt Damon should not do kill-y action movies if he loves peace, because that is what hypocrisy means, and Spike Lee should not have tweeted that address. (Wonkette agrees: Spike Lee should not have tweeted that address, and Matt Damon should only do sequels to “I’m Fucking Matt Damon.”)

In conclusion, Kurt Schlichter concludes,

Mattera has done a great service with “Hollywood Hypocrites,” leaping fist-first into the Octagon and taking on a keystone component of the liberal establishment in a cage match to the death. I’ll bet on him (and on [Ben] Shapiro with his “Primetime Propaganda”) over the liberals any time.

The fact is, we need guys like Mattera – brutal, no holds barred – and guys like Shapiro – brutal, rigorously legalistic – to take down the slow, weak and morally exhausted liberal behemoth.

Mattera’s weapons are sarcasm and cutting insights, backed by documentation. Hollywood can stand up to a lot, but not to that.

So get the book and, as Lee might have put it over two decades ago at the height of his marginal relevance, Fight the Power!

In conclusion again, Kurt Schlichter does not get to quote Public Enemy, and he should probably stop saying things like “shit” because that is an offensive swear. But watch out Hollywood, you can never withstand being held to account with the facts and opinions and sarcasm of Jason Mattera, the guy who gotchaed Bono (‘s impersonator). [BigHollywood]

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  • Barb

    Jodie Foster remains impressed, Jason.

    • Baconzgood


    • Barb

      Baconz, I am replying to my comment so that your typo won't be locked in. Fix the typo and I will delete this comment. It's James Brady.

  • freakishlywrong

    I call no bullshit. No Sean Penn?

    • Hopefully, Hanoi Jane was too busy being relevant by skewering Mommy.

    • Callyson

      He'll be covered in volume two.

  • Barb

    "But how is Alec Baldwin hurting America now?"

    I could fill a Kama Sutra book with ways that Alec Baldwin could hurt me.

    • fuflans

      so that happened.

  • Needs moar "Matt Damon!" (with a r-tarded voice).

    • fuflans

      i was just wondering where the 'you are useless alec baldwin' reference was.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "…backed by documentation"? Spending two hours wandering around Madame Tussaud's with a microphone does not qualify as "documentation."

    • BornInATrailer

      "I'll take your silence as agreement!"

    • oldedinvn

      Cloose enough for me.

  • freakishlywrong

    Haven't we done America, Fuck yeah!. God, these people.

  • Baconzgood

    So when we go to movies we support…er…let's see…….uh…..What the fuck is his point?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Is this he plea for "The Passion of the Christ 2"?

  • This is pretty much that all one needs to know about Jason Mattera.

    Tweety sez: I tawt I taw a chickenhawk.
    Money quote: "I'm fighting the battle for ideas…"

  • The fact is, we need guys like Mattera like we need an outbreak of genital herpes.

  • SorosBot

    How is there a "liberal behemoth" they're trying to take down when liberals have no actual power in America?

    • oldedinvn

      Boogy men always have power.

    • Generation[redacted]

      As he says, it's a weak behemoth.

    • doloras

      Choose your answer:

      A) They have the power to form intelligent criticisms of conservative governments and to propagate them in the media with their wit and mad verbal skillz. THIS WILL NOT STAND.

      B) Jews had no power in 1920's Germany either.

  • Jerri

    I did not think I needed to start my work day by listening to Public Enemy, but now I see I was a fool to think I should start it any other way.

  • Pragmatist2

    Someone should make a movie about bitter losers, living in their mother;s basement and collecting Herbert Hoover memorabilia who write stupid books about Hollywood celebrities.
    I like Sean Penn for the lead, or maybe Kevin Smith.

    • Chichikovovich

      It's a shame Peter Lorre isn't still alive. He'd be perfect as Mattera.

    • oldedinvn

      Fuck you very much for almost describing me.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Only if Oliver Stone signs on to direct.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "Mattera has done a great service with “Hollywood Hypocrites,” leaping fist-first into the Octagon"


    • Rough trade.

    • freakishlywrong

      I know. They can't help it, and are utterly unaware when they do it.

    • Radio福井県

      I thought it said " leaping head first into the Octamom."

      • Generation[redacted]

        Ironic. Most people leap head first out of the Octamom.

  • chascates

    Nothing about the Jewish control of Hollywood? Bah!

    • Generation[redacted]

      According to Storm Front's guide to reading conservative commentators, just replace every instance of the word "liberal" with "Jew" and it will all make sense.

  • skoalrebel

    I once tried to leap fist-first into the Octagon and take on a keystone component of the liberal establishment in a cage match to the death. [spit] Ended up breaking my hand against the keystone. Keystone is harder than it looks. [spit] Now my political activism consists of fapping to pictures of Sarah Palin.

  • Funny thing, I was just saying we need more books by self important idiot right wingers that no one reads besides other idiot right wingers.

    • Plus all the trees they cut down to make the pulp for the paper… Bonus!!

      • BerkeleyBear

        I'm just guessing (no way am I clicking the link) but this sounds like an insta-book, a less than 20k word screed put up electronically only. Breitbart and Politico have taken to releasing them, thinking they are riding the wave of technology, but mainly because you can't get stuck with 10,000 remainders.

    • DaRooster

      I'll wait for the movie.

      • oldedinvn

        I'll wait to fap to the next bridge collapse.

  • DaRooster

    I would like to hang out with this guy. You know, go out have couple of drinks… and then dunk his ass in the septic tank. He should feel right at home there.

  • Anyone who thinks late-30s women aren't worth fucking has never fucked one.

    • oldedinvn

      I agree. The last one I got was in 1939.

    • SorosBot

      Wait a second; I'm dating a woman in her mid-30s. Does this mean I'm supposed to dump her the second she reaches 38 and replace her with a younger model? But I don't wanna; I prefer women close to my own age who I have more in common with!

      • HistoriCat

        I prefer women close to my own age who I have more in common with!

        Why don't you just carry a big sign saying "I'm a liberal weenie"?

  • Matt Damon is a nice guy. He bought a zoo.

  • prommie

    So, the conservative Behemoth would be Chris Christie?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    But what we really want to know is how many are _communists_…

    • el_donaldo

      and who is willing to break ranks and testify?

    • oldedinvn

      Whoa. I live in a commonist country.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Hey, Mattera could draw up a Black List! That would be novel.

  • Such a vicious attack on poor Cameron Diaz!

    If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, Cameron…

    • FraAnima

      There, there, Cameron, just lay your head down on my lap. There, there…there. there…oh yes, right there…

  • Baconzgood

    You know what I just realized? Saul Bellow, William Faulkner, Jean Paul Sartre, Gunther Grass, Upton Sinclare, Tom Wolfe, they had books published, and now people like this man and Sean Hannity have published books too.

    *Starts drinking and crying*

    • oldedinvn

      Who are all those guys you mentioned?
      I got me all the Hannity & Rielly books what am. As soon as my chapped lipses heel up. I will reed them. .

  • prommie

    These peoples are a bunch of Don Quixotes, y'all. They are filled with these fantasies that they are Knights Errant, fighting for Honor and Chivalry, that they are Holy Martyrs, waging a holy war for the Good and the Right, that they are brave and bold and true, fighting a thankless fight against evil, all for Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

    Seriously, what a bunch of psycho-drama queens. Or immature, developmentally stunted weirdos acting out their adolescent revenge fantasies.

    They are sick, hilariously sick. Have video games caused this? The Legend of Zelda Syndrome or something like that?

    • swordfis

      But Don Quixote was noble

      • prommie

        Um, he was Quixotic. Mark Twain wrote that the popularity of Don Quixote in The South was the reason for The South's idiocy, mostly because, and this is Mark Twain's thesis, they totally missed the point of the book, and thought Don Quixote was noble.

      • sullivanst

        If you consider regularly assailing and nearly killing completely innocent bystanders who had the misfortune to cross his path "noble", then yeah, maybe.

    • DocChaos

      I think the fantasy is more WWE Raw than Knights Templar, judging by Kurt Schlichter's review. It's entirely appropriate that they imagine themselves the heroes of a staged fight rather than an actual one.

      • Generation[redacted]

        And grappling each other in their underwear. That's key to the whole WWE fantasy thing.

    • Boojum

      I'll take adolescent revenge fantasies for $1000, Alex.

    • HistoriCat

      " leaping fist-first into the Octagon " … "brutal, no holds barred"

      Yeah – these clowns are 8 year old boys pretending to be soldiers. "Got you!" "Did not! You missed!" "Mooooommm!!!! Billy's cheating!"

  • el_donaldo

    Nice review, Kurt. Instead of the blind leading the blind, it's morons pimping morons.

    • Sue4466

      Nice review, Kurt. Instead of the blind leading the blind, it's morons pimping fluffing morons.

      All fixed.

    • oldedinvn

      Were you talkin about books or Umericsns ?

  • LesBontemps

    wizened Cameron Diaz


    Fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap & etc.

    • oldedinvn

      Wizened? I don't know if that is a wizard thing or not. I still think Betty White is a young hot chick.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Schilly schitty schitter Schlichter is full of schit.

  • Ever since Gangs of NY, I can't help thinking of her as The Prostitute with Good Teeth.

  • …to take down the slow, weak and morally exhausted liberal behemoth.

    So, their ultimate target IS Michael Moore?

  • Radio福井県

    Booya, smackdown, Pulitzer Prize in the making, greatest journalism since Jacob Riis.

  • Mattera’s weapons are sarcasm and cutting insights, backed by documentation. Hollywood can stand up to a lot, but not to that.

    Of course not. Say goodbye, Hollywood!

    • prommie

      Chief amongst Mattera's weaponry are surprise, sarcasm, cutting insights, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope.

      • Boojum

        No one expects, etc!

    • BerkeleyBear

      Never mind that Mel Brooks has proven, time and again, that real Hollywood power players are impervious to wit or satire (and in fact have to have it translated for them). The occasional actor/writer/director who does get humor won't see any in this guy's assclown efforts, either.

  • WiscDad

    Rush is the only person that has a copy of this drivel.

  • Radio福井県

    The chapter on Pauly Shore is simply devastating.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Called him a weasel. Ouch!

    • Guppy

      What about the one on Carrot Top?

  • el_donaldo

    Plus, would it really hurt that bad to flaunt copyright and risk lawsuits and all that to put up Rosie Perez dancing to Fight the Power? That's what I want to see.

    • FraAnima

      Let me finish fapping to Cameron first.

    • prommie

      Just put up Tom Morrello's Black Spartacus Heart Attack Machine, a song I suspect my be referring to our president.

  • metamarcisf

    Matt Damon should only do sequels to "Mystic Pizza".

  • Not_So_Much

    Were all the interviews done by him just putting different faces cut out of TigerBeat magazine and taped on his blow-up doll? "All they ever say is, 'OOOOO'?!"

  • ElPinche

    Mattera will soon release a film version of his brutal , lethal, visceral take-down "book" on lowlife scum fucking jewy faggot-filled rich beautiful better-than-me-because-I-will-never-be-good-and-likeable-as-Matt-Damon-If-it-wasnt-for-breitbart-media-I-would-probably-kill-myself liberal media which was entirely filmed on location at Madame Tussauds Las Vegas.

  • jetjaguar

    This. Is. HUGE!

  • Dirkrockwood

    They always slam Hollywood, but they are inspired by movies. Woooolverrriiins. And they elected a third rate actor for president.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      and there isn't a single one of them who wouldn't gobble the knob of the most liberal producers in Hollywood if he offered to read their brilliant screenplay about a brave young conservative who, instead of joining the military to fight terrorism (because the military has been ruined by queerz and feminazis) founded a muck-raking website to expose evil, liberal, terrorist perfidy. Think Top Gun but with more homo-eroticism and none of that military stuff, because doing pushups is hard.

  • scorpy1

    "Mattera’s weapons are sarcasm and cutting insights"

    Mattera’s two weapons are sarcasm, cutting insights and misdirection from actually dangerous hypocrites.
    Mattera’s three weapons are sarcasm, cutting insights, misdirection from actually dangerous hypocrites and an almost fanatical devotion to Breitbart.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Bring me… the comfy chair

  • thefrontpage

    Here are some of the people who Jason Mattera interviewed for his new book, according to his publisher, Lying Pigs Press: Walt Whitman, Wild Bill Hickok, P.T. Barnum, Tom Thumb, Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, George Gershwin, Irving Berlin, Kate Smith, Ethel Merman, Spencer Tracy, Henry Fonda, Betty Davis, Joan Crawford, Charlie Chaplin, Abbott and Costello, the Marx Brothers, Harold Lloyd, and Cecil B. DeMille.

  • frostbitefalls

    I wonder if he's working for Jackie Harvey

  • owhatever

    Immediately to the top of the righwing chickenhawk book club selection list for telling the real truth about Zsa Zsa.

  • Generation[redacted]

    I'm ready for my close-up Mr Breitbart.

  • teebob2000

    In the interest of full disclosure, Mattera is Schlichter's primary knob-gobbler. So I've heard.

  • Remember when Brietbart died?


    • Wile E. Quixote

      Is it true that the coroner has held off on releasing the autopsy report on Breitbart because his stomach contents consisted mainly of semen, cocaine and Oxycontin™ tablets?

  • ttommyunger

    Jason who? No, seriously; Jason who?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    I’ll bet on him (and on [Ben] Shapiro with his “Primetime Propaganda”) over the liberals any time.

    The fact is, we need guys like Mattera – brutal, no holds barred – and guys like Shapiro – brutal, rigorously legalistic – to take down the slow, weak and morally exhausted liberal behemoth.

    Mattera’s weapons are sarcasm and cutting insights, backed by documentation. Hollywood can stand up to a lot, but not to that.

    What a fucking load of shit. Jason Mattera is a punk-ass bitch. He's just another chickenshit, conservative chickenhawk. When someone asked this worthless little punk why he wasn't serving in the military in Iraq or Afghanistan he replied that it was more important for him to fight for the cause over here. Ff our grandparents had been worthless, lazy, cowardly, hypocritical little shits like Jason Mattera, Andrew Breitbart, James O'Queef or Jonah Goldberg we'd all be speaking German today, well not Goldberg, he'd be a bar of soap and a lampshade.

    I'm surprised that Schlichter, who, according to his biography, spent 24 years in the Army, can stand to be in the same room as a punk like Mattera. I guess he can't find a job anywhere else.

  • I went to college with this asshole. He and the Roger Williams Young republicans published one of worst rightwing newsletters I've ever seen. It was so awful the RI GOP sued them to drop the capital "R" from their name.

    They then sponsored a "whites only scholarship" to protest the Unted Negro College Fund and other similar scholarships for disenfranchised groups. It brought a huge shit storm to the university. Later, we find out Jason received a "First in my family" scholarship, which is a program for Hispanic Americans.

    We called him out on his bullshit and he didn't even have an answer. He just mumbled something about his privacy and how disturbing it was that we'd look into this.

    I will admit he was friendly enough in person but still, what a prick.

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