one bourbon one scotch all the beers

Is Rick Santorum A Gutter Drunk?

Smegma lips that touch liquor shall never touch mineIt is an excellent question, the one we have just posed right there in the headline. Is Rick Santorum a gutter drunk? Buzzfeed investigates, and seems to have photographic proof that yes, Rick Santorum is a gutter drunk. Here is a Twitter showing him drinking beer at 11:30 a.m. because if he doesn’t, he will have the DTs, because of how he is a terrible alcoholic who is addicted to alcohol (PROBABLY) and maybe other drugs too, why not. We hope for the sake of his 54 children that he is somehow able to kick his habit of constantly drinking premium beers all day and night forever, maybe by following in the footsteps of only-cool-Republican-ever and certified nice lady Betty Ford. The First Step, Rick, is to admit you are powerless over delicious beer and then find a higher power to believe in. A nicer one than you currently believe in, probably, because That Dude sucks. [Via Buzzfeed]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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172 comments

    1. mrpuma2u

      The way his campaign is going, I would not be surprised he starts the day with an Irish coffee and those "campaign helper pills" the doctors gave him. The noonish beer is just to pace himself.

    2. An Asexual Ungulate

      "Rick, America called and they want to talk about last night… they know you probably don't remember any of it, but you said some super awkward things and they'd like to discuss them with you. They think maybe you have a problem. There's no easy way to say this Rick, but this is an intervention."

  1. BornInATrailer

    To be fair, I think if most people only had sex when they were trying to create a kid, they'd be hammered much of the time too.

    1. Negropolis

      To be fair, if you were hammered much of the time, you'd have a hard time remembering if the sex was for enjoyment or baby-making or both, which is obviously a sin against Santorum's personal lord and savior.

  2. johnnymeatworth

    Although, to be fair, he needs to drain that bottle before using it as a buttplug….

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Between Obasms, Limp Mitts, Pill Poppin Perrys and now Santorum dranking on the down low – this is definitely my kind of news day. I want more! More! More!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Abso-fucking-lut-ly. Or popov-ly or Grey goosely, schmirnoffy? ThreeOlivesly.
      Damn. I'm out of vodka.

      1. Schmannnity

        You're forgetting Easter–Christ has risen indeed [drains Bloody Mary] Hallelujah!

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          "Bloody mary, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now in the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen." – Sterling Archer

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I like my first beer before I get out of bed in the morning. So, yeah around 11:30 sounds good.

      1. FROTHY

        Yeah, every fucking faggy brunch place serves mimosas these days. You can always sip 'em and pretend you're NOT slowly sliding to the floor.

  4. elfgoldsackring

    I have to commend him. If I were Rick Santorum, I doubt I could get through a single day without at least one meth-fueled gay hooker interlude.

  5. littlebigdaddy

    In fairness, everyone I have ever known from PA (and there are a lot of them) has enjoyed their morning beer. They didn't set It's always Sunny in Philadephia there for no reason.

    1. cheetojeebus

      My Favorite bar name of all time, from Kensington, Philly, "Booger's Beef and Beer"

  6. Baconzgood

    Drinking beer at 11:30 a.m is sooooo light weight. Baconz already moved off the 7&7s and is on straight vodka by 10:15.

        1. Warwhatgoodfor

          Naw, he was a straight bourbon man. Although he did manage to pack away a considerable amount of good scotch in The Big Sleep.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      As long as it isn't Lord Chesterfield. My roommate in grad school brought a case of that back from a ski trip, and we had nearly a whole case left still 3 months later. And this is GRAD school, when we had less than no beer money. Shit was NASTY. Then again, probably exactly what Rick would drink. God forbid he enjoy the taste of the intoxicant.

  7. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    "Rooster could beat everyone at beer-chugging, [Christine] Grasso said. She explained the Rooster technique: 'You just open your throat.'"

    ewewewewewew!!! His little sister swallowed drunken Santorum.

  8. SorosBot

    He doesn't allow himself to enjoy sex – or have sex with the gender he really wants to – so of course Rick turns to the bottle instead, just like all the non-pedophile Catholic priests out there.

  9. noodlesalad

    He can't even use the excuse that it's 5 o'clock somewhere, because the earth is flat and the daylight savings is a gummint conspiracy also.

  10. coolhandnuke

    Much like Cheney's new heart will reject its' new evil owner, I sense this beer will reject this empty, pious vessel.

  11. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Also, it looks like Santorum's nickname in college was "Rooster."

    So, anyone ever watched chicken sex? It is incredibly fast. Blink and you'll miss it.

    I'm not speculating anything. I'm just leaving these details for you to consume. I report, you infer.

    1. prommie

      Fuck yes we can! We're not out there telling everyone they can't get married and shouldn't fuck and they have to worship Jesus to matter and all his shit.

  12. MissTaken

    I bet Rick is one who shows up to a kegger with his red plastic cup and no money. Asshole.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Day was when you could walk up to The Hill and get a six pack of Iron City right out of the plant for $1.00.

          1. actor212

            There was a bar in the West Village called "The Red Witch" best known for the fact that wasn't sawdust on the floor, who offered two pints of Carling for a quarter in the mid-70s

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Always gonna get the next round and then hiding in the bathroom when the waitress finally comes by.

    2. Geminisunmars

      Oh. Is one supposed to contribute to a kegger? No wonder I haven't been invited to one lately.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Hmmm — known fabricator, abandons his children, has delusions of grandeur, persecution complex — he's either got a serious alcohol/drug problem or he and his followers are about to move to a farm in Guyana.

  14. Maman

    If Rick were really following in the steps of Jesus Christ, he would be drinking wine. Cuz that is what JC turned the water and his blood into..

  15. Extemporanus

    "The photo has been drinking, not me…not me…not me…not me…not…me."

    - Rick Santorum

  16. SheriffRoscoe

    If he promises to never take his shirt off in public – ever again – I will not judge his alcohol problem.

  17. Callyson

    So I was right when I said that this GOP presidential campaign would drive anyone to drink.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Hey, it turned Rick Perry into a pill-popping moron. Well, a pill-popper anyways. Well, never mind.

  18. elviouslyqueer

    Oh Rick, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

    No, not with being an alcoholic, you dumbass. I'm talking about being a lying, deceitful, bigoted, closeted, self-loathing, religiously intolerant nancyboy.

    1. widestanceromance

      Slanderous! We have no evidence he's a nancyboy (and speaking for myself, I do not want any, of any kind, ever).

  19. metamarcisf

    The only thing that can save Fecal Boy's campaign is to be photographed breastfeeding at the Wailing Wall.

  20. edgydrifter

    I don't have a hot tub to drink in, but the shower has good water pressure and gets plenty warm. DRINKING BEER IN THE SHOWER IS AWESOME, is what I'm saying. Santorum should try it. Maybe it would mellow him out a little.

    1. MissTaken

      True Fact!

      The best cure for jet lag is to check into your hotel and then immediately take a hot shower while drinking a beer. 3 pm or 3 am, it does not matter. It works.

  21. Jerri

    Guys. He's still in Wisconsin. If Rick wants to win our pickled hearts, he's going to have to booze it up before lunch.

        1. Rotundo_

          Yeah, I have been leaning Santorum since it would cause the most chaos amongst the repukes, but now I am leaning towards Newt! since it is looking like Mittens is going to win this thing. It would be nice if we could stretch this agonizing process out for as long as possible for Mittens and the repubba-bubbas but all good things have to end at some point. Newt! will make as good a protest (read rat-fucking) vote as any of them.

  22. ManchuCandidate

    Bud light presents real american losers
    (Real american losers)
    Today we salute you Mr. Papist Feetus Fetishist Theocracy Advocate
    (Mr. Papist Feetus Fetishist Theocracy Advocate )
    Your tireless efforts keep big gubbiment out of finances and slam it right into women's vajayjays like the He man Womyn H8tr you are (Hate'em Vaginas)
    Instinctively, you play to your audience of Morans
    (Get a Brain Morans!!!)
    Carefully ending up shooting off mouth and your proverbial nutsack
    (Ow MY BALLSSS!!)
    Shitting on half the electorate desribed by the Bard as "Hell Hath No Fury like a Woman Scorned"
    (Bitches gonna cut yah bad!)
    Can he hold on to be the lead weight (VP) that sinks the Rombot?
    (Woah, yea)
    You know. why? because you're mr. Papist Feetus Fetishist Theocracy Advocate
    (US America politics couldn't be as fucked up without you)
    So crack open an ice cold bud light mister, and know it's no accident that women and the tinted people hate your fucking guts.
    (Hey at least people will remember you as a mess of shit, lube and sperm.)

  23. SkinnyNerd

    I wonder what a conversation at the Daily Dairy Wisconsin Wonk was like today.

    Reporter 1: My candidate's wife talked about his flaccid penis.
    Reporter 2: My candidate went on and on about California, schools, and history. Then he started drinking. He also looked at a poster of cheese.
    Reporter 3: My candidate's supporters accused other politicians of racism.
    Reporter 1: Where's the guy covering Newt?
    Reporter 2: Out sick, wouldn't you be?

  24. Tundra Grifter

    “Gutter drunk” is a new term to me (although I grasp the concept).

    “Get Her drunk” I’ve heard before.

  25. Guppy

    admit you are powerless over delicious beer and then find a higher power to believe in.

    A hip flask of gin.

    1. DaRooster

      "I think a flask is a great gift. It says,"You seem like an alcoholic on the go."

      (or something like that)
      Jim Gaffigan

      1. actor212

        True dat! I mean, you carry around a gallon jug in your car in case you run out of gas, right? So why not a hip flask?

        (NOTE TO THE KIDS: Don't drink and drive. You might spill some.)

  26. prommie

    Ya'll realize this is the Rove wing's final "take off the gloves" assault on him, so their man Mitt can stop getting pulled to the right.

    1. Rotundo_

      True, but Mittens has enough comedy gold already on tape and readily available for rebroadcast to render a run to center pretty tough: All the Obama crew has to do is select the best clips of the PanderMatic in action to shoot down any moderation they might try to pass off on people now. Even the American people aren't that stupid. If they were, we would have repealed the presidential term limits and had Dubya for a few more cycles, if not forever.

  27. el_donaldo

    A higher power? If he needs it, yeah, there's not really much power in a fictional bronze-age skygod. A few D cells would have more power.

    I introduce to you the Church of the Vibrator. Bow down to that, Frothy.

  28. DaRooster

    11:30 am?

    What the hell are you waiting for… oh, and Whiskey or GTFO!!

    Between this news and Parry's pain meds… I guess I should be a right wing, execution havin', sweater vest wearin', quotin' the Bible (when it suits me) but not acting it out, moran douche bag.

  29. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Huh. I would think a morning drinker would be either way more fun or way more violent than him.

    1. MissTaken

      Nah, Stickie Dickie is one of those depressing drunks who starts yapping about all the touchdowns he made during his high school glory days and then starts crying when he realizes he's actually middle-aged and will never catch a touchdown pass again.

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Yeah, and then goes home and punches his wife. Wait, maybe that's why his daughter looks so sad.

  30. Gopherit

    It's nice to know he enjoys some simple pleasures besides fetus worshiping and kid-fucking.

  31. Chet Kincaid

    "I…I was jush rea-ding in za bottom of a Tom Collins glass lash night that Obama has ordered teachers never ta use the word "Merica" in the clashroom — hick! Who is zhis guy?!"

  32. anniegetyerfun

    So, you're saying that there is one thing about him that isn't 100% loathesome?

  33. Mahousu

    Today, we are all gutter drunks.

    And pretty much every other day also, but that doesn't sound as impressive.

  34. randcoolcatdaddy

    Well, I see Rick Santorum is still a douchebag frat-boy.

    That's some choice the Republicans give us this year – an emotional train-wreck that drinks at 11:00 am, a robot that doesn't drink but wears magic underwear, and an egotistical fart that would drive the whole country to drink at 11:00 am.

  35. Warwhatgoodfor

    Nice John Lee Hooker lead in, editrix. I do personally prefer "Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, gonna get you right down", if you know what I mean.. One of the last great ones. Thank the FSM for B B King.

  36. Jus_Wonderin

    Are we going to have to ask him to blow into this tube? (Oh, wait. He probably has done that).

  37. undeadgoat

    Hmm, does anyone say what he's drinking? It looks like it might be something from New Glarus, in which case this may literally be the first acceptable action of Rick Santorum's life to this beer-loving Wisconsinite.

  38. Antispandex

    I KNEW it! If you look hard enough, there is something to like about everyone! Beer before 12…very cosmopolitan. Damn, he's what people back in the old neighborhood used to call a pinche alcoholico! Way to go Rick!

  39. gout

    Judging from some of the shit that comes out of that guy's mouth, I am guessing he is still drinking at 11:30 rather than just getting started.

  40. Dashboard Buddha

    Rick, a union member, and a tea bagger sit down to a six pack of beer. Rick takes five and tells the bagger to be careful because the union member wanted his beer.

  41. Robman2

    OK, is this in WI? If so, drinking bottled beer is NOT blue collar, that is gentry suds. real working stiffs drink at the bar rail, from tall glasses, of missile fuel gauge (see: 6% or better) beverages. It's Wis-'f'ing–consin for cryin out loud, he can and must do better than that for my non vote.

    Plus, he is standing behind the DIT, what a twit.

  42. Wile E. Quixote

    And I can just see the Daily Callgirl headlines about Santorum's drinking and Rick Perry's pill-popping.

    Alcoholism, Drug Addiction Increase Under Obama

  43. vtxmcrider

    Cut the guy some slack. He needs something to wash away the taste of that early morning santorum.

  44. Negropolis

    My fair Editrix, you are dancing fairly close to libel. lol And, if you get too close, he may flirt with you, and woo you, and then you'll end up having lovely, libelous babies, together.

  45. ttommyunger

    Can't see the label clearly, but I'm betting it's an O'Doul's or some other non-alcoholic beer. I just don't see Little Ricky kicking back with a beer, any time of the day or night. Too much of a tight-ass. Plus, he would burn in Hell for eternity, also, too.

    1. DocChaos

      He's Catholic, the religion that makes drinking wine a sacrament, so that won't be the reason he burns in hell.

      1. ttommyunger

        He'll prolly skate, then. Not sure being an ignorant dick by itself, justifies eternal damnation.

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