BREAKY BREAKY BREAKING NEWS FROM THE AP…

by Jim Newell

Gross

[via Yahel Carmon]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 132 comments }

Barb April 2, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Thank GOD! I was afraid I was going to have to get my breast exam at Hooter's this year.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I bet you could get it done here at Wonkette for half-price.

Barb April 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Do I have to wait for a referral?

OneDollarJuana April 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I'll do it for free, and give you some yakisoba, too!

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I'd be happy to refer you, but I'll need to examine them and maybe take some films first.

Barb April 2, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Actor, Polaroid films? : )

tessiee April 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Doorbell: Ding dong.
Barb: Who is it?
Land Shark: [mumble]
Barb: Speak up, I can't hear you.
Land Shark: Door to door breast exam.

Barb April 2, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Land Shark, do you have a candygram?
I love your comment!

Negropolis April 2, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Depends on how many suiters…err…nurses, yes, nurses, are lined up.

PuckStopsHere April 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Half-price? Hell, we'll just throw it in with your $50 abortion.

boobookitteh April 2, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Well, the Supremes just held up invasive strip searches in jails because terrorism, so just get arrested for a minor offense. Or be arrested for no reason at all, it's all good.
http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/02/1098

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me? Better pull them off now, citizen…"

CapnFatback April 2, 2012 at 3:53 pm

No, no, no breasts. Hooters's specialty is wings.

bagofmice April 3, 2012 at 3:39 am

And other phrases I will probably never say.

nounverb911 April 2, 2012 at 3:27 pm

OBASM?

"I'll have what he's having."
–Mitt Romney

Giveusabob April 2, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I would have thought the privilege of having an Obasm would be limited exclusively to Michelle, but looks like Daddy's feeling generous today.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Single payer healthcare is not dead!

Gleem McShineys April 2, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Single payer layer healthcare is not dead!

straighteight April 2, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Obasm – that's what the ladies get when Bammerz sings Al Green…

SorosBot April 2, 2012 at 3:29 pm

And I think all Wonkette's lady readers are off to, uh, take a break at that thought.

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I'm back, complete with rosy cheeks and a smile on my face.

SorosBot April 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

You've probably got your little scrunchy-nosed satisfied look on your face now too; such is the power of the thought of the Obasm.

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Hey now!

SorosBot April 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Don't worry; you know I'm not jealous. Besides I've been thinking of a Michelle Omasm myself.

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 3:55 pm

May I recommend a "marital aid":
http://www.neatoshop.com/product/Obama-Adult-Mask

Negropolis April 2, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Is it bad that when I saw "adult mask" that I was almost sure it'd have a whole in the mouth area? lol

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Dude, don't embarass the lady and her O-face

Unless you post pictures.

Callyson April 2, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Yes, that was quite a satisfying lunch…

CapnFatback April 2, 2012 at 3:29 pm

"If things go well I might be showing SCOTUS my O-face."

Barb April 2, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Throw away those Popsicle sticks and duct tape. Viagra for everyone!

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Duct tape is not half as much fun taking off as it is putting on.

widestanceromance April 2, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

OW!

bagofmice April 3, 2012 at 3:41 am

I'm guessing you don't shave.

fuflans April 2, 2012 at 3:30 pm

and another wonkette trope is born.

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

It is so cute, and it has our eyes.

flamingpdog April 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Trope? Is that Bristol's little boy?

Gleem McShineys April 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm

"If you're snarking on Wonkette for pleasure and not for the sole purpose of meme procreation, you are a sinner!"

-aternate universe Rick Santorum

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 2, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Obasms are 100% santorum free.

bagofmice April 3, 2012 at 3:43 am

I know more than a few people that might disagree.

fuflans April 2, 2012 at 3:31 pm

is barry taking the same meds as rick perry?

ManchuCandidate April 2, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Meanwhile Rombot suddenly got floppier.

SayItWithWookies April 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm

And Ron Paul stayed flat.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Back in 2008, my lady had an Obasm too.

I was in the kitchen making a sammich at the time, the bitch.

Baconzgood April 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

At least someone is…

Gopherit April 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Free Cialis and contraception? Obasm indeed.

Chill-A-Sketch April 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

In related news, Romneycare is still stiff.

Lucidamente1 April 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Upon his re-election, Multiple Obasms?

Gleem McShineys April 2, 2012 at 3:43 pm

In reality, turtle-American Mitch McConnell diligently works against multiple orgasms, as well.

SteveMcCroskey April 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I only hope this Obasm is not premature.

Antispandex April 2, 2012 at 3:34 pm

BREAKING

I remain confident that no matter what happens, it will be Obama's fault!

Copyright 2112 Antispandex. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

dinkybossetti April 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm

You may want to move that copyright back a century, or someone else may copyright it before you!

Antispandex April 2, 2012 at 6:02 pm

DAMN IT! Screwed up a perfectly good snark with a typo! Oh well, it will still be valid in the 21's.

Geminisunmars April 2, 2012 at 3:35 pm

He had me at O.

DaRooster April 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Obasm!
"We now return to our regularly scheduled program already in progress…"

IncenseDebate April 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Mitt's poll is pointing down, while Obama is up. It's looking like Mitt is going to lose the erection.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I have little doubt Mitt will pull out early and turn on the ballgame.

nonbeliever7 April 2, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Wasn't one of editrix's rules no making fun of orientals?

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Wait! What's the big deal about the Ohio Branch of the American Society for Microbiology?

I mean, I know it's annual meeting is this month, but come on!

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 2, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Microbiologists are sexy!

flamingpdog April 3, 2012 at 12:23 am

A lot of them have a great pair o' meciums, yeah.

Gratuitous World April 2, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"Not true," responds Alito.

SayItWithWookies April 2, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I hear it clears up the acne too.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm

"It really works, Jen, but you have to swallow it"

weej_FukuiKatie April 2, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Did Barry get a peak at some of the olde SCOTUM's EKGs?

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Never combine "Barry", "peak" and what looks at a glance like "olde SCROTUM" in a comment!!

weej_FukuiKatie April 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm

And one-handed speelink of peek, not so good….

Serolf_Divad April 2, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Once you've had an Obasm a plain old Orgasm will simply not do.

Gleem McShineys April 2, 2012 at 3:53 pm

"Once you go barack," as they say.

el_donaldo April 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I think Rick Perry has been sharing his stash of happy pills.

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Is it their state of mind that they are always referred to as "the High Court'?

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ April 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

…was Barack singing again? Even though I'm a guy, I felt a little moist after hearin' him sing, so this makes sense.

An Asexual Ungulate April 2, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Is… is an Obasm what I think it is?

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

If you don't know you've never had one.

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Oh. Oh. OH. OHHH! OH!!! Oh yes!! Oh yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!

An Asexual Ungulate April 2, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Maybe I need to get an invite to the White House after all…

HateMachine April 2, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Oh. Oh. OH. OHHH! OH!!! Oh yes!! That's change I can BELIEVE IIIIIIIIN!!

Fixed.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 4:04 pm

It's mythical, in that it's always faked.

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Skyrockets in flight! Commander-in-chief delight!

LastGasp April 2, 2012 at 3:42 pm

We could re-title Barry's time in the White House as "The Story of O" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073115/

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ April 2, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Michelle's initials aren't "M.O." without cause. Just sayin'.

widestanceromance April 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Somewhere, Sara Benincasa is opening her reply from Urban Dictionary. . .subject line, "Congratulations."

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 3:45 pm

A President Christie couldn't achieve re-erection….

weej_FukuiKatie April 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

And how would he know? He hasn't laid eyes on it in years.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

He used to feel it whenever he saw tender delectable babby.

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Copyright 2012 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Dammit, I was just about to look for the Obasm video on RedTube for purely educational purposes.

iburl April 2, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Obasm is the code word to start the Reptilian invasion. I, for one, welcome our scaly overlords.

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I have my resume ready. I will apply as a slatherer; rubbing fine, scented oils on their poor, parched scales. I will have high position and favor.

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm

The Obasm is so strong it is felt throughout Washington.

SorosBot April 2, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Strong enough to even delete comments apparently.

prommie April 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Might have been Chris Christie falling out of bed, in Jerusalem.

Mumble_JustSayYesOta April 2, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Not to be outdone, Bo Obama, sensing the big fuss, broke free from his leash in pursuit of the nearest bitch in heat, with whom he started gettin' it on and brought on a… (don't make me say it)…?

CivilMcMannerly April 2, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Bo is having sex with dogs? Santorum thinks that behavior is extremely homosexual.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Bobasm, bananafanafofasm, mimymomasm?

ThundercatHo April 2, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Bobasm, bobasm, fee fi fofasm, banafana fofasm. . . .

Mumble_JustSayYesOta April 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Ditto, and ditto to actor212 too. That song began playing in my head right as I typed that.

Pithaughn April 2, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Obasm, more of a place than a feeling.

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I've been to paradise, but I have never been to…Obasm. (I bet everybody thought I was going to say "me".)

prommie April 2, 2012 at 3:57 pm

He is daring them to do it, to take coverage away from a couple of million people. Whats the average margin of victory, the past 4 or 5 presidential elections?

DrunkIrishman April 2, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I have obasms all the time. I scream out, "YES, I CAN CUM!"

Mumble_JustSayYesOta April 2, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I feel like this post, with its luring headline only to be followed by a one-word news item, was somewhat anti-climactic.

Come here a minute April 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm

WASHINGTON — Ejacunewell.

Callyson April 2, 2012 at 4:02 pm

If the abortions are $50, how much are the obasms? Can I get a quantity discount?

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I don't know if they come in bulk.

flamingpdog April 2, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Is an Obasm what you get when you massabate?

Blueb4sunrise April 2, 2012 at 4:12 pm

If it's uppity.

Negropolis April 2, 2012 at 11:53 pm

That was terrible.

flamingpdog April 3, 2012 at 12:29 am

Thank you, thank you. I'm here every night except Wednesday and Wednesday, two shows, 7 and 11.

Extemporanus April 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

*AP AP AP*

Blueb4sunrise April 2, 2012 at 4:11 pm

++

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 4:24 pm

^fisted

bagofmice April 3, 2012 at 3:48 am

That's hard to beat.

Blueb4sunrise April 2, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Shawna?

widestanceromance April 2, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Is 'Obasm' Kenyan for Obama?

BarackMyWorld April 2, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Any reaction to this news from Palin?

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 4:22 pm

She's bakin' bread in there.

flamingpdog April 2, 2012 at 4:24 pm

And Biden's thinking about makin' bacon.

mrblifil April 2, 2012 at 4:25 pm

This had me in spasms.

poorgradstudent April 2, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Slightly off-topic, but what is up with even Obama's own supporters calling his plan "Obamacare"? I guess they don't want to call attention to the reform plan's history with the Heritage Foundation and Mitt Romney, but, damn, talk about letting conservatives define the discourse…

MosesInvests April 2, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Name's not going away, might as well embrace it. Anyway, they figure why not have people associate the President with-no denials for "pre-existing conditions", no lifetime caps, coverage for young adults. "Obama got you healthcare"-yeah, that's a decent campaign slogan.

Negropolis April 2, 2012 at 11:58 pm

That's what happened the minute it hit the court.

Plus, "Affordable Health Care for America Act" is such a mouthful. But, I otherwise agree. I can't for the life of me figure out why the administration and its supporters haven't put out human interest commercials showing people who this act have helped. For the past two-and-a-half years, all we've heard is the opposition. You'd think that this bill hasn't helped a single soul, and it's helped literally millions of people. How they've handled this has been an abomination.

James Michael Curley April 2, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I'm gonna get that on my license plate.

hagajim April 2, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Last time I had an Obasm I had a hard time walking until it went away.

doloras April 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Obasm, Obasm, one two three
Tie a yellow corpse-tag on the GOP
Blue states waiting impatiently
From Alcatraz to Lady Liberty
ACA and predator drones
The White House knows how to make us moan

randcoolcatdaddy April 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Obasm? Is that the AP version of DRUDGE SIRENS?

real_dc_native April 2, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Strip searches by the police are now considered "health care"?

extreme_left April 2, 2012 at 11:41 pm

is this one of those hard to find lady parts things?

Negropolis April 2, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Oh, Barry, oh Barry, oh Berry….YES! And "boom" goes the dolomite.

DahBoner April 3, 2012 at 7:15 am

Damn!

For a minute there, I thought you were going to say Dick Cheney is still dead…

ttommyunger April 3, 2012 at 7:49 am

I know at least five old cunts in black robes who read this headline and burst out laughing.

flamingpdog April 3, 2012 at 12:18 am

I have a lindseygram. Will that get me in the front door?

tessiee April 3, 2012 at 1:07 am

Poor Land Shark. He never fools anybody; they always guess it's him because of the background music.

HistoriCat April 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Isn't a lindseygram more suitable for the back door?

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