Rick Perry: Hopped Up On Pain Pills, Singing In The Bathroom

Yes, he only started taking painkillers in 2011...Remember how Rick Perry was insane during debates? Yeah, he was on painkillers all the time — supposedly because of his bad back, but did you also know that painkillers are really fun? Anyway, this is why he would fall asleep during the second half of every debate. And according to a new POLITICO EBOOK about the campaign, WIN THE POLITICS, Perry would also run into the toilet singing old workingman’s songs, when he was high.

This little nugget comes from New York City toilet blogger Max Read, who got an EXCLUSIVE look at the new POLITICO EBOOK (MUST CREDIT NYC TOILET BLOGGER MAX READ):

A bad back doomed any chance Perry stood to break through. It became an open secret that he was using painkillers in sufficient dosages to keep him standing through the two-hour debates. The manager of a rival campaign was at a urinal in an empty bathroom in Hanover, New Hampshire, before the Bloomberg News debate on October 11, when he heard someone come through the door loudly singing “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” Wondering who was making all the noise, the campaign manager turned his head and saw, to his surprise, the governor of Texas. Perry came down the row of about twenty urinals and stood companionably close by. Nonplussed, the campaign manager made a hasty exit; as the bathroom door closed, he could hear Perry still merrily singing away: “I-I-I’ve been working on the ra-a-i-i-l-road, all-l-l the live-long day . . .”

And he lost?


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. actor212

      That's what is so funny about this lightweight…I mean, really? Back pain? Pain killers? What, the cushion on your chair was misadjusted?…claiming his campaign fell apart from Vicodin.

      Fuck, I've taken enough Vicodin to stop a moose, and I was still able to get the plane in the air.


    1. doloras

      Were you in that thread a while ago where we talked about how that song is about hobos telling interesting lies to little kids in order to spirit them away to use them as servants/concubines?

  1. Schmannnity

    I think his actual line was "I've been widestancin' on the railroad," apparently some closet Republican mating call.

  2. Gopherit

    Sure, try and blame it on the hillbilly heroin, Rick. No one can fix your kind of stupid.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Rick P: GLORY HOLES well they'll pass you by GLORY HOLES in the wink of a young girl's eye

      Staff: Uh sir, sir? That's glory DAYS….not holes.

      Rick P: You sure?

      Staff: Uh yes sir.

      Rick P: Well damnation, that Larry Craig fella lied to me.

  3. noodlesalad

    But the rest of America also needs pain pills to stand two hours of Republican debates. Does that mean we're all disqualified?

  4. skoalrebel

    Fuck yeah! [spit!] Us real 'mericans love to cut loose with some heartfelt song in all contexts. What's more real than singin' "Free Bird" while takin' a dump? [spit!] I sometimes mix it up and change the lyric to "Free Turd," but I'm something of a visionary. As we raise our voices in song, we true 'mericans are prepared to take this country back from the Kenyan usurper! Free Bird, yeah! [spit!]

  5. Mumble_JustSayYesOta

    Upon digesting this news, I'm struggling to remember when/if we were ever graced with the sound of Dubya crooning some folksy tune.
    Help me locate footage, wonketeers, I can't do this alone from work!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      The only lyric I remember Dubya ever quoting is "Don't get fooled again" — and he didn't know the context and it was the first, last and only good advice he ever gave. And yet we didn't listen, and elected him anyway.

      1. Mumble_JustSayYesOta

        Here's his dad.
        Not really, but effectively looped, sampled, whatnot.
        This, I'm slightly ashamed to admit, I own as a single on cassette. At the time it brought tears to my eyes, listening to it made me laugh so hard. (Hope this link works)~

  6. Dr. Nick Riviera

    And here I thought it was his "bad brain" that doomed his campaign. But looking at the "successful" GOP candidates, that doesn't really seem to be much of a handicap.

  7. Gratuitous World

    Maybe he was injured working on a railroad. Or maybe he's just a plutocratic pill-head as I doubt many Texas rail workers have health insurance or prescription coverage, and the state doesn't even require fucking workers' comp.

  8. Terry

    "A bad back doomed any chance Perry stood to break through."

    Actually, it was just the simple fact that Perry is a frickin idiot.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Damn — missed it by two minutes. And JFK was hopped up on pain medication for his entire presidency, so Perry's lame excuse about the drugs holds no water. Does sober Rick Perry believe in evolution or that prayer can make it rain? Until he's dumber on meds than without them — or the presidency involves driving a forklift — his drug consumption is irrelevant.

  9. Callyson

    Dinah, won't you blow,
    Dinah, won't you blow,
    Dinah, won't you blow your horn?
    Dinah, won't you blow,
    Dinah, won't you blow,
    Dinah, won't you blow your horn?

    I never realized how closeted that song was…

  10. Chichikovovich

    “I-I-I’ve been working on the ra-a-i-i-l-road, all-l-l the live-long day. Breaking legs on the railroad just to chase the union away . . .”

  11. FakaktaSouth

    Wow, you gotta be feeling really stupid about how you looked to WANT for people to think you got a pill problem and did all of your really important President business feeling like you were covered in warm gravy. Percodan or Presidency? Hard to decide. Remember when that used to be a thing people kept to themselves? Good times, good times.

    I would like to state for the record that this in no way lessens my desire to attend a dinner party with Rick and pet his hair and try to see what I can get him to do for money. I think this is funny. But I also thought it was xanax.

  12. freakishlywrong

    How is this news? I'd be more shocked had he not been all hopped up on the goofballs.

  13. Barb

    I can just see Mitt and Rick side by side at the urinals. "I like to fire people" "Oh yeah? I like to execute people."

    1. MadBrahms

      In his drug-addled state, it would probably have come out as "Oh yeah? I like to set people's hair on fire."

  14. Mahousu

    The manager of a rival campaign was at a urinal in an empty bathroom in Hanover, New Hampshire …

    Well, now, the bathroom wasn't "empty," then, was it?

    Also, the running to the toilet part makes me suspect alcohol rather than pain pills. But I'll admit it's not an either/or.

  15. DaRooster

    "…but did you also know that painkillers are really fun?"

    Uh, yeah… and "4 shots of Bushmill's alcohol may intensify effect" is a suggestion, not a warning.

    1. SorosBot

      "in the heart of the city's widely recognized downtown cannabis-oriented district"

      And here I thought the west coast was a strange place before.

      1. MadBrahms

        A roommate of mine picked up an Oaksterdam course guide once – really glossy professional looking stuff. Then I read the book list, which was half thick tomes with dry titles on horticulture and half back issues of "High Times"

        Still, I think they may actually have produced at least some graduates legitimately concerned about helping people rather than just with hotboxing their honda civics more effectively.

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      That would have been fun to watch, especially during that debate back in

      And I will tell you, it is three agencies of government when I get there
      that are gone. Commerce, Education, and the…I'm hungry, when is this
      thing going to be done? I want to go to White Castle.

  16. littlebigdaddy

    Needz moar hookers, mafia types, and tragic movie starlets. If you're going Kennedy, go full Kennedy, Ricky!

  17. Goonemeritus

    “Perry came down the row of about twenty urinals and stood companionably close by”

    There are mathematically precise rules to the way urinals positions fill in a men’s room. The basic result is that maximum distance is maintained. This rule and the historic prohibition against talking in a men’s room are among the only rules of etiquette still universally practiced by men.

    1. Baconzgood

      There is the exemption on the talking front though. When in a bar with a friend and you are speaking of sports or some drunk chicks ta-tas then it is acceptable to maintain the flow of converstation.

    2. ThundercatHo

      I wondered about that and glad to know it's not like the movies where guys are always having a chit-chat about the case or business deal they're currently working on while their schlongs are exposed. Girls are different since we can only see each others shoes but we would still not take a next-door stall unless that's all that was available.

      1. SorosBot

        Hell no; I don't know what idiots would write those scenes for movies, because it is a basic rule that you do not talk while pissing, not one single word. You can talk while washing your hands, after your dick is back in your pants; never while it's out.

        1. actor212

          Oh come on! That's simply not true, unless its one of them "Noo Roolz" that you hipster types keep passing, thinking it's cool.

          You can talk at urinals. Hell, you HAVE to talk at urinals, if only to keep from checking out the other dude's pacakage.

          The only exemption is if you've got the urinal cake on the run, dissolving. Then you gotta focus.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            OK, I would say that brief, single-entendre conversations are allowed if there is at least a one-urinal distance between the 2 gentlemen, and the Eyes Forward At All Times, Goddamnit Rule is observed. Or not observed. I mean — you know what I mean.

  18. Baconzgood

    I've been working on the railroad? I'll give a dollor to anyone who can sing all the lyrics to that song with out looking it up.

    1. sewollef

      Thanks! Now I've got Billie Holiday in my head while I "work".

      Which is no bad thing…. but I can't sing as good as she could. Maybe I need moar cocaine in my pain pills.

  19. SheriffRoscoe

    Hey Jim, tell your buddy Max Read what happens in the men's room, stays in the men's room.

    1. AlterNewt

      Remember, he was a C-130 pilot at one time. Those guys get all that military-grade 'Anti-fatigue medicine'.

    1. doloras

      I was gonna run for Prez, but then I got high.
      I was gonna beat that Kenyan's ass, but then I got high.
      Now I'm back in Texas, and I know why…

  20. Poindexter718

    So when Gov. Perry was cold wigging and looked at moderator Wolf Blitzer he was actualy seeing a cloven hooved faun and David Gregory resembled the Jack-in-the-Box clown…I wonder what he saw when he looked at Rep. Bachmann?

      1. Poindexter718

        Three krazy eyed Bachmann?
        Bachmannatrix w/strap-on?
        Bachmann delivering her inaugural address???

    1. prommie

      I concur. He seems not to be any kind of ideologue, way to corrupt to stick to any kind of principles. After all, he's the guy who made HPV vaccination mandatory in Texas, to the consternation of christian conservatives. If Pfizer gave him a big enough donation, he'd make birth control mandatory. I have no problem with a cheerful crook, its these fucking Nazis in the GOP who scare me.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        Yeah and I'll always forgive a guy for standing companionably close to me at the urinals if he seems drunk.

      2. Negropolis

        The problem is that he ran for governor and has won multiple times. If he were the city dog catcher, I could forgive him, but to put yourself into a position of consequence where you have no excuse for being is just greedy and unfair to the constituents.

  21. sewollef

    I wonder if he stuck by that well-known unwritten rule of urinals.

    You know the one… you never — never — occupy the urinal right next to another man. Since, you know, that might indicate you might be suffering from the ghey. Or something.

    However….. if this GOP dweeb was occupying the centre urinal of three…. you're screwed.

    1. Barrelhse

      And then he read the writing on the wall: "Why are you reading this? The JOKE is in your HAND!"

  22. OneDollarJuana

    What is Dick Perry's problem? John Kennedy had a really bad back, and was able to prevent global thermonuclear war while shtupping Marylin Monroe!

  23. ManchuCandidate

    I was gonna win the GOPer nod until I got high
    I gonna kick Barry the blah's ass but then I got high
    my campaign is still fucked up and I know why
    cause I got high
    cause I got high
    cause I got hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

    1. freakishlywrong

      Oh fuck, Manchu. Now, I'm putting every conversation I hear to that. AND SINGING IT OUT LOUD.

  24. stew1

    Think that was doped up, you shoulda seen MIchelle Bachmann on the high school debating team–trippin' ballz, dude.

  25. Lascauxcaveman

    Ha! That makes two things I have in common with the Gov from Texas:

    1) really great hair
    2) singing in the bathroom

    Don't let your soul get lonely child
    It's only time, it will go by
    Don't look for love in faces, places
    It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

    Pee here now, here now
    Pee here now, here now

  26. boobookitteh

    This may be the most effective "This is your brain on drugs" commercial I've ever seen.

  27. SheriffJoeBiden

    Snarklessly, this perfectly explains why "the establishment" was so, so ready to sploosh for Perry before he utterly humiliated himself over, and over, and over (it was the last "over" that finally did him in). He was another (perhaps even more) guileless dupe who'd gladly – indeed, necessarily – turn over complete control to the usual odious suspects.

  28. Guppy

    He was simply supporting Ronald Reagan's friends and allies in Afghanistan by buying their product.

  29. donner_froh

    Note to unnamed rival campaign manager: standing at a urinal and making a hasty exit can lead to getting your dick stuck in the zipper or walking around with it hanging out. Don't be so hasty.

  30. clblabin

    For nearly 12 years, this man literally has held the actual job of governor of my state. I have no snark left–could use some painkillers, though.

  31. Wadisay

    When Rick Perry was hopped up on pain pills and hugging his little bottle of maple syrup in New hampshire, that was the closest I ever came to liking him.

  32. rickmaci

    That's it. I demand there be mandatory weekly drug and alcohol testing of all Republican Presidential candidates!

  33. Negropolis

    First rule of Men's Bathroom: No talking/singing during piss-time

    Second rule of Men's Bathroom: You don't have to pick the furthest urinal away in a sparsely populated bathroom (in fact, that would be gauche), but you don't pick the one next to the only guy pissing, either.

    Richard Perry, by the power vested in me as a fellow man, you are hearby banned from the Men's Bathroom. Forever.

  34. ttommyunger

    Oddly, that's what I sing when I fap, too; but usually not in public; I just hum it softly then…

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