BOB DOLE JOKE HERE  12:24 pm April 2, 2012

Ann Romney: Husband Mitt Has Flaccid Pecker

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

That's what she saidNice Mitt Romney Head Sister Wife In Charge Ann Romney made a boner today when asked whether her husband was too “stiff.” Here, let us let Twitter tell the story:

Boner

Oh ANN.

Ann Romney used to give a bunch of dough to Planned Parenthood, so we are fairly sure that she is not a sad homeschooled ninny who doesn’t know how babies are made. In fact, we are beginning to think she did this on purpose, to win a coveted Wonkette Comment of the Day Award (Mitt Romney’s Pecker Edition), because she’s secretly a slutty and kick-ass abortion machine. So which of you guys is Ann Romney? [Twitter]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 121 comments }

DaRooster April 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Oh Ann… get over here.

bagofmice April 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Sure you're da rooster, but are you certain you don't have a little scorpion in you? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C3poU_0sK4

SheriffRoscoe April 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

It's not me. It's you.

No wait, that came out wrong. I was thinking of what you say when you dump someone.

Lucidamente1 April 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Well, the crawl says "Ann Romney Opens Up," so my work is done here.

freakishlywrong April 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Indeed.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

EWWWWWWWWWWW!

I always got this "playground" vibe from Mitt, but EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Barb April 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

His dick is so limp that I expect as POTUS, he will spend a lot of time sleeping on "Air Mattress One."

HippieEsq April 2, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Air Force None?

irishdave3 April 3, 2012 at 6:50 am

…but the Magic Underpants ward off Evil!

SudsMcKenzie April 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

If his pandering lasts for more than 4 hours, call a spin doctor.

Limeylizzie April 2, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Comment of the day, no ifs ands or buts.

sewollef April 2, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Comment of the day, no ifs ands or butts.

Fixed. This man is as straight as an arrow, but not nearly as sharp.

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I cannot judge this until Mad Men creates a Viagra commercial with Mitt Romney talking about his stump being the right height.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

With or without clown makeup?

Infrogmation April 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Clown makeup applied where?

FakaktaSouth April 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

We can pump Mitt for info all day, but Ann's the real gusher. (I still say she ain't helpin')

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 12:37 pm

All it took was the lightest of strokes from the fluffers at FOX News…

emmelemm April 2, 2012 at 2:25 pm

The word gusher in this situation… well…

irishdave3 April 3, 2012 at 6:52 am

probably left over from his role in the porn movie…French Missionary Position

MadBrahms April 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Reference to his penis? Or to a body bag?

straighteight April 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Anne, that was a real boner.

Spurning Beer April 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Mr. Romney maintains a state of manually-stimulated semi-turgidity at all times, just in case.

There's a reason he's called Mitt.

Sue4466 April 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Just. Wow.

Sharkey April 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

He's not just stiff, he's turgid!

Biff April 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I think it must be the MS talking. Or maybe it's Mormon Tourette's. Either way, pretty risqué coming from her.

DerrickWildcat April 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Praise be to Kolob.

Beetagger April 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Are there twin bathtubs in each of the Romney mansion backyards?

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 12:35 pm

One on each car elevator, yes.

IncenseDebate April 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Oh come on! Mitt is always one to pull a big boner.

Gopherit April 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I thought that was Ann's job?

MozakiBlocks April 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Bet you $20 that the campaign puts out a statement from that Ann Romney has "evolved her views on abortion and now believes that the procedure should not be allowed".

littlebigdaddy April 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Make that $10,000 and you're on.

Lascauxcaveman April 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"Planned Parenthood: We're not Just AbortionPlex."

They need to come up with a slogan like that or something. Because most of what they do is help people avoid needing an abortion in the first place.

Veritas78 April 2, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Which, of course, is cheating.

Nopantsmcgee April 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"This should only be discussed in a quiet room, Ann."

Not_So_Much April 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

No, I am Spartacus Ann Romney!

MosesInvests April 2, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I'm Ann Romney-and so is my wife!

Callyson April 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

which of you guys is Ann Romney?
Today, we are all Ann Romney…

ManchuCandidate April 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Thanks, Annie "Rombot" for ruining "That's What She Said."

ttommyunger April 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Aaaaaaaaaaaggggggh! My brain!!!!!!!!!!!!

mavenmaven April 2, 2012 at 12:33 pm

How many p-points does she get for that comment?

elviouslyqueer April 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

All of them, Katie.

Oh COME ON.

Schmannnity April 2, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Stiff and awkward.

Wilcoxyz April 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Sure, but he'll switch to whatever position is most convenient for her.

IncenseDebate April 2, 2012 at 12:37 pm

His grandfather was a missionary, so, you can imagine.

SpeedoFart April 2, 2012 at 2:26 pm

That doesn't sound too bad except…

… Sex with Mitt. I just made myself throw up.

SorosBot April 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Wait, if Mitt can't get too stiff how did they have all those kids? Maybe the Romney family has a very happy gardener.

Chill-A-Sketch April 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Is that what they mean by "Romney's Mexican roots"?

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm

In that one thread of pictures Tagg *did* look rather tan.

SorosBot April 2, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Yes he did – I think old Willard really does have an unknown brother-husband.

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

The Michael Jackson Method: the kids all look like Mitt's dermatologist.

HELisforHEL April 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Mormon 'sexy fun talk' is really disturbing. Must bleach brain, stat.

littlebigdaddy April 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Another critical system failure for the Mittbot2000. Perhaps need some adjustments in the Milfbot unit as well.

SkinnyNerd April 2, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Message to headquarters:

URGENT. URGENT.

WifeBot6 has transmitted vital information on internal workings. Please ship WifeBot7 immediately with sexual innuendo explanation capabilities.

End transmission.

weej_FukuiKatie April 2, 2012 at 12:37 pm

RMoney's Viagra moment.

SayItWithWookies April 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"Not only that, his sperm are so motile that they're still avoiding military service!"

Chill-A-Sketch April 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

You can't "unzip" magic Mormon undies. Just sayin'…

IncenseDebate April 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I guess Mitt was a little too easy on the beaver last night.

PeaceWithHonor April 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

She should fire him and outsource.

SudsMcKenzie April 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

@ sent from one of my Cadillac's.

Pragmatist2 April 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

You can't snark perfection.

Terry April 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Flaccid or not, it obviously works given the slew of kids they have. Unless a turkey baster was involved, I guess.

Blueb4sunrise April 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Magic underwear has a zipper?

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

In my time zone, we do not talk about such things until after the noon hour.

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

And only between Memorial Day and Labor Day!!

emmelemm April 2, 2012 at 2:27 pm

In quiet rooms, bien sur.

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

"I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out"

I always assumed the Mormon Underroos had buttons. Silly me!

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 2:10 pm

It has a fap flap.

bagofmice April 2, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Release the Mormon!

Gopherit April 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

That's some seriously kinky pillowtalk, Ann.

John Birf Society April 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

He's not stiff when he's in front but he gets stiff when he's behind.

Baconzgood April 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

#Notintendedtobefunny

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ April 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

So which of you guys is Ann Romney?

Answer 1) Today, we are all Ann Romney.
Answer 2) All of 'em, Katie.

MissTaken April 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Answer 3) Balls.

MosesInvests April 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Comment of the day!

straighteight April 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Mitt's prostate is apparently the size of an AMC Metropolitan.

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ April 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

If his hair doesn't go out of place, it wasn't sex.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Mitt Romney, a Bob Dole for the next generation.

HistoriCat April 2, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Well they did both spend time in Europe during their respective generations' wars.

freakishlywrong April 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"I like pancakes. And cheesygrits. And I'm hung like a wet farm animal, y'all".

TootsStansbury April 2, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I find this comment impossible to fap to. It is the anti-fap.

CthuNHu April 2, 2012 at 7:39 pm

"A duck, specifically, but still…"

Baconzgood April 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I don't want to see Mitt's cock. Sorry, that's just me.

Mahousu April 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

No, it's not just you. It's all of us, really.

Even Ann.

starfanglednut April 2, 2012 at 6:24 pm

But it's real nice. Titanium skeletal structure, operated by nano transistors, and covered with a a soft, flesh like coasting, ribbed for her pleasure.

Gee, you're right. It sounds disgusting.

Goonemeritus April 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

When I compared Mitt to Bob Dole a few months ago I thought it was just because he was going to get his ass kicked in the general election. Now I know he will also have a second career advertising for the little blue pill.

hagajim April 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

She might be way more fun that Mittens.

Steverino247 April 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm

And cleaner than Lucille.

(Frank Zappa: Joe's Garage reference)

proudgrampa April 2, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Maybe she's setting up grounds for divorce (it's allowed in the Mormon Church): "He wasn't stiff enough, your honor."

Geminisunmars April 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Is Ann channeling Erica Jong?

straighteight April 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Was Romboner one of the characters in the musical "Cats"?

Dr. Nick Riviera April 2, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Well there you have it: There isn't one part of Mitt Romney that stands firm

Tundra Grifter April 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Reminds me of one of the great Tonight Show moments that probably never happened.

Johnny Carson was interviewing Mrs. Arnold Palmer.

Carson: "Do you do anything special to bring your husband luck before a tournament?"

Mrs. Palmer: "I kiss his balls."

Carson: "I bet that makes his putter stand up."

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Hi Yo!!!!

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Tundra Grifter April 2, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

Ya can't be too rich or too thin.

Or too stiff.

Unless you are a stiff, of course.

LesBontemps April 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Dick jokes! Get yer hot fresh dick jokes here! Dick jokes!

What, isn't it Opening Day?

meatlofer April 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

It's great America gets to see Mitt's softside.

IncenseDebate April 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

What does Mrs. Santorum have to say?

smoothmineral April 2, 2012 at 1:15 pm

The woman is a gem.
I now understand why Willard decided to still marry her even though she dated other men while he was a missionary in France.

Limeylizzie April 2, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I bet it looks like a penis, only smaller.

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Ann Romney

Weirdest thing is…a Republican man lets his wife run around with no collar, no tags!

smitallica April 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

That made my car elevator go all the way up.

lulzmonger April 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Today, none of us are Ann Romney.

donner_froh April 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Drill, baby, drill.

ThundercatHo April 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm

It's one thing to imagine the sexytimes of a beautiful couple such as Barry and Mrs. O. but thinking about Mitt's flaccid wanger is quite another.

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Planned Parenthood was the "go-to" charity for Moderate Republicans back before the Religious Right took over. Rachel Maddow did a segment last week about the Bush family's heavy and intimate involvement in Planned Parenthood, right up until Reagan made HW pretend he was anti-abortion to get on the 1980 ticket. Can't have the proles and peasants overbreeding, you know!

IncenseDebate April 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Willard's unwilling wang a woe to wife

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ April 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Worth pointing out that, if Mitt were to win the General Election, the sex soundtrack of the White House would shift from Al Green to Donny & Marie.

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Such courageous, valiant women, these Republican wives! What if one of them said to the candidate, "If I have to compromise my deeply held convictions for you to be President, I guess you're not going to be President." Jesus, what am I smoking?

Wadisay April 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm

This is good news for John McCain.

SpeedoFart April 2, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I HAD HOPED TO GET THROUGH THIS ENTIRE ELECTION SEASON WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT MITTENS' WANG.

There goes that dream. Thanks a lot, Wonkette.

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Sorry, wong number…

gout April 2, 2012 at 3:43 pm

poodle bites…poodle chews it

SockBunny April 2, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Keep 'it' up Republicans!

CigarVolante April 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

She says that like she thinks that "Slutty" is a bad thing.

gurukalehuru April 2, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Excuse me, while I whip this out….

imissopus April 2, 2012 at 6:28 pm

"Unzip the Mitt!" is the new "Release the Kracken!"

rickmaci April 2, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I wonder what the blow back will be on this one?

irishdave3 April 3, 2012 at 6:53 am

drippy boners…emerging Gooper motif or something more?

fishwharf July 10, 2012 at 12:58 am

Warning: If it lasts longer than four hours, seek medical help immediately.

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