GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE DEMOCRATS DO  4:01 pm April 4, 2012

In Arizona Even The Democrats Are Crazy

by Erik Jay

forget it jake it's nightmaretownAccording to his colleagues there is a Democrat out there in the desert and he is fucking pissed! It isn’t his evil Democrat ways of spreading free condoms to children and defecating on Catholic churches’ doorsteps that has them spooked. It’s his anger. By now conservatives are used to dealing with the arsenal of liberal love and hippie tactics that are designed to oppress the rich, but when someone actually lashes out in potentially marijuana-fueled tirades, the shit hits the fan. This isn’t just another fully baked desert chaka that made his way to the city, this is Representative Daniel “Fuck You” Patterson, D-Nightmares. Yup, in Arizona, even the Democrats are crazy!

His colleagues are piling up allegations forcing Patterson to take the honey badger approach of not giving a shit. A police investigation of “Fuck You” Patterson shows previous outbursts and alleged acts of violence on his campaign manager/live-in girlfriend. “Fuck You” says he isn’t guilty. His campaign managing girlfriend has since gone public with accusations of dragging her out of her car when she tried to leave their home during an argument. Previous history shows a pattern of battery based on a restraining order from his estranged wife stating he was violent. This is not your average dope smoking politician. In turn, lawmakers have had no choice but to consider throwing him out over allegedly admitting to smoking marijuana regularly and having sex with lobbyists; a rare combination in Arizona that has lawmakers gripping their sidearms in terror.

Re-election time is coming up and it looks as though Mr. Patterson is one campaign manager shy, so he has taken it upon himself to announce suspension of his campaign. Mr. Patterson has made it clear that with so many bitches around him it is hard to unclench his fist long enough to fit a pen in his hand to resign. He isn’t sorry either. So, what’s a fella to do when he runs out of women to beat? Mr. Patterson Tweeted, “I want to focus on family, break from politics.” He didn’t stop there. He is on a Twitter crusade to point out that everyone on the ethics committee, investigators and some attorney named Mike Manning are all wrong.

Patterson recently Tweeted, “Manning report had pre-determined political outcome; based on lies & slams by politicians, lobbyists & lawyers.” Patterson is very familiar with various types of slams and knows when a lobbyist is fucking him, so his resident expertise helps him to see things nobody else can.

What’s next for Mr. Patterson? He is switching teams. He’s going (I) from now on. That’s usually where Democrats go after they punch themselves in the dick too many times.

He has scared his colleagues and they don’t want to be around him. One of his Democrat colleagues, Rep. Margaret “Lynne” Pancrazi, is scared shitless. “I have made a habit of keeping a weapon near me when I sleep. I fear for my safety at the Capitol and have requested additional security.”

Attorney Manning wants him gone, his colleagues want him gone, his ex’s don’t want him, he calls colleagues names like “Asshole” and “Prick” and he angrily forces females who don’t agree into corners. Can you imagine if this guy didn’t smoke weed? “Fuck You” Patterson has until April 10th to answer allegations of smoking marijuana and kicking some serious ass all over the place. He doesn’t give a shit.

Here’s the Patterson investigation. Don’t give a shit. [TPM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 86 comments }

Barb April 4, 2012 at 4:03 pm

"That’s usually where Democrats go after they punch themselves in the dick too many times."

Typical politicians, sitting around and beating their dicks like it owes them money.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 4, 2012 at 4:28 pm

hey, if it paid well, I'd be "self-employed", too.

nounverb911 April 4, 2012 at 4:03 pm

But it's a dry crazy.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Ah, the Patterson-Gimlet controversy…

sullivanst April 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Not in the governor's case. Unless you mean the cap was still on the vermouth bottle.

GunToting[Redacted] April 4, 2012 at 4:30 pm

She's not dry, she's positively dessicated.

DrunkIrishman April 4, 2012 at 4:05 pm

His campaign strategy isn't much different than Romney's, except, you know, because Mitt's Mormon, he only tells people "frick you", unless he gets angry, then, well, all bets are off.

OzoneTom April 4, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Seriously, what is with that guys chin?

An Asexual Ungulate April 4, 2012 at 4:30 pm

If I had a chin like that I'd be pretty angry all the time too. I hope, for his sake, that's just a bad picture with a puffy beard.

George Spelvin April 4, 2012 at 6:33 pm

He needs the services of Kenneth Mars's chinodontist.

Biff April 4, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Or Brisket's.

Bezoar April 5, 2012 at 12:30 am

Obvsly a Ballchinnian.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm

So wait; the legislature is considering kicking him out, not for the beating his girlfriend and ex-wife, but for the marijuana smoking? Ugh; a certain state has its priorities backwards yet again.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Chuck Norris is the Arizona state lege sargeant-at-arms.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I'm really really sorry. I had a little to much to drink and had a really bad day. Besides, I only make you my campaign manager because you won't do things right. I don't like making you campaign manage for me, I really don't baby. It's sometimes you don't listen so then I have to make you campaign manage. When those heal we'll go out to dinner anywhere you want.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:18 pm

"Can't you tell your friends you walked into the platform?"

Grief_Lessons April 4, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I still like him better than Santorum.

Callyson April 4, 2012 at 4:14 pm

As a female, I fear him less than I fear the Frothy Mix.

smokefilledroommate April 4, 2012 at 4:09 pm

A Democrat you can fear!

JustPixelz April 4, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Rep. Margaret “Lynne” Pancrazi, is scared shitless. “I have made a habit of keeping a weapon near me when I sleep."

Lady, that weapon ain't gonna stop the Repubican lady parts laws.

Happiness is a warm gun.

So basically the people of Arizona are paying her to sleep with a gun. Well, if they're going to pay, she should put video on the web so they can watch.

MissTaken April 4, 2012 at 4:12 pm

“I want to focus on family, break from politics.”

Um, I think you have to be pretty focused to drag someone out of a car.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Bah! A good candidate for anger management can do that while blast texting his son about his homework!

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Especially if it's by the hair. Pull too hard and you rip the hair out by the roots, not hard enough the bitch doesn't get scared enough and starts yelling for help.

SorosBot April 4, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Yeah, I think his family would be much better off if he didn't focus on them at all.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Roofies will help with that.

Hey! Finally a positive use for my stash!

prommie April 4, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I find it difficult to grip my sidearm to this post. Maybe it is because I have been sitting on my hand, and it fell asleep, or else its that picture of Donald Trump's Impressive Cock up there.

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 4:44 pm

STRANGER DANGER!

[EDIT: Shit. I finally got feeling back in my hands after sitting on both of them -- "Mystery DP", bitchez! -- and was able to ogle Trump's cock and your comment.

Um, sloppy seconds anyone?]

Callyson April 4, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Patterson also announced on Twitter that he was leaving the Democratic Party to become an independent, saying “partisan politics,” not his own behavior, was the problem.

Yeah, because it's really partisan to oppose violence against women…oh wait, he has a point…

Gopherit April 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm

It is interesting to note that the state GOP leadership has quashed attempts by the Dems to expel him from the House.

Buckminster April 5, 2012 at 1:18 am

I thought projecting like an alkie was a Republican thing. My bad.

"It's always been her fault."

SayItWithWookies April 4, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Now we know where all those headless bodies in the Arizona desert came from.

Gopherit April 4, 2012 at 4:15 pm

That's my Arizona. We transcend party lines with our crazy. Yes, I know, the napalming will start in 5 min.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 4, 2012 at 4:15 pm

(I) for Irate? Or (I) for Irrational?

Callyson April 4, 2012 at 4:17 pm

(I) for Insane
(I) for Idiotic
(I) for Imbecile

Aye, aye, aye…

flamingpdog April 4, 2012 at 7:13 pm

If it was Arkanmissibama, I'd suggest (I) for incest.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Wait, he acts like a typical Democrat WITH Republican overtones and the party wants to dump him?

Hell, put him up for a run in 2016 as Hillary's Veep!

IncenseDebate April 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Is Erik Jay the intern?

prommie April 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm

So with this as precedent, my addiction to heroin and the dead hookers in my crawlspace should be no impediment to running for office!

GeneralLerong April 4, 2012 at 4:53 pm

That's only OK if you're a Republican.

You can put dogs on top of your car, too.

Buckminster April 5, 2012 at 1:20 am

Your tha man, just no ghey marriage or whatever bullshit they're on this week. Maybe non-intervention in Antarctica.

slithytoves April 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Here’s the Patterson investigation. Don’t give a shit.

Done!

Designer_Rants April 4, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Suspending his campaign? In AZ, this dude shouldn't even have to campaign.

elviouslyqueer April 4, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Rep. Patterson, CeeLo Green would like to have a word or two.

sullivanst April 4, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Later! is one of the things I miss most about England. That, and Newsnight.

Extemporanus April 4, 2012 at 4:33 pm
PuckStopsHere April 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Cee Lo Green ("The Lady Killer") got hisself elected to a 'Zone lege? Damn.

kissawookiee April 4, 2012 at 4:27 pm

*Ahem* I may have mentioned before that I live in Tucson. So there's that. My girlfriend has also been trapped at DFW since the middle of the tornadoes yesterday (nothing gets the adrenaline going like watching the live radar online while on the phone with your loved one when she is huddled in a goddamn bathroom in an airport watching the building shake and having the phone cut out, yay), so there's also that. Then we had TUSD's brain trust representing the hell out of Tucson on the Daily Show last night, and oh yeah on top of that everyone laughing at Arizona deciding LMP gestational age = pregnancy time for the purposes of banning abortion, so, yeah, IT IS REALLY FUCKING HARD BEING AN ARIZONAN THIS WEEK AND IT'S ONLY GODDAMN WEDNESDAY.

*sob*

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I usually offer this after a pithy comment, but…

Martini, sir?

Toomush_Infer April 4, 2012 at 4:37 pm

When I lived in Arizona, I drank a lot….and spent a lot of time on the Salt River…mostly at the same time….you might try it, sounds like you need something…

GeneralLerong April 4, 2012 at 4:55 pm

It could be worse. You could live in Alaska. Arizona with ice cream and oily sauce on top.

GunToting[Redacted] April 4, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I'm in Prescott. I feel your pain.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 4, 2012 at 5:25 pm

For what it's worth, I moved from Arizona to Idaho, and I now miss my former state's diversity, tolerance, and political moderation.

kissawookiee April 4, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I weep for you, sir. I weep for us all.

Buckminster April 5, 2012 at 1:22 am

You can't move? God, I would so move.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Nightmares? So he's the Representative of his girlfriend's dreams after they leave this ass hole? What was his last position? Councilman of Cold Sweats Waiting For Him to Come Home?

Stevola April 4, 2012 at 6:37 pm

He was the boiler operator in the statehouse

thefrontpage April 4, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Patterson for President.

Arizona is the new Mississippi.

FEMA, the EPA and the FDA announced today that Arizona has been declared an official Hazardous Materials Site, and it has been closed down until further notice.

MaxNeanderthal April 4, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Sorry, but Ol' honey badger beats any Arizona resident into a cocked hat every time. Any animal, that, when offered the options between a) stay waist deep in the nest of enraged african killer bees which are slowly but surely stinging you to death, and b) flee, need to ask the audience, REALLY not only don't give a shit, they couldn't give a flying fuck at the moon either….

Slim_Pickins April 4, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Finally, a politician with the courage of his convictions.

Baconzgood April 4, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Rick James/Ike Turner 2012!

flamingpdog April 4, 2012 at 4:49 pm

We'll see how courageous he really is after his convictions.

vodkamuppet April 4, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I have a theory that people who live in year round sunshine are fucking crazy, no matter which political persuasion. I live in Detroit and as soon as the birds start chirping and the sun shines past 5:15, I know it's time to go crazy and talk to any young lady dressed brightly in a mini skirt I see. It's millions of years of evolution at work. Springtime = try to hump everything in sight. When fall hits, it's time to bunker down and start stockpiling food. That cute girl with that bayad-ass mini skirt I met this spring is now my live in girlfriend and she will give me some serious shit if she comes home and there's nothing to eat. It's a cycle that keeps us grounded. Sunshine people don't have this cycle, they just get nuttier and nuttier. No offense to sunshine wonketteers, I was talking about (er uh cough) someone else.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Wait, for a Democrat to go (I), don't they have to demand that all brown people be bombed?

terriblyfamous April 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm

That's the standard Lieberman protocol, I think.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 4, 2012 at 5:31 pm

The Lieberman Protocol would be a cool name of a thriller.

terriblyfamous April 4, 2012 at 5:47 pm

When you say "thriller," do you really mean "pedantic, dusty legal brief?"

TheGyrus April 4, 2012 at 4:44 pm

If getting high and banging lobbyists is wrong, I don't want to be right.

actor212 April 4, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Right? What's the point of getting into politics if you can't get into poon?

Next you'll tell me they're outlawing graft…

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 4, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I've spent time in legislative relations when I was in college. I'm sorry, but I don't see how so many lobbyist are getting laid. Other than they do provide plenty of liquor to anyone that wants it. But, really, not the realm of the beautiful at the state level.

flamingpdog April 4, 2012 at 4:50 pm

♪ Manic depression's a frustratin' mess. ♪

Pragmatist2 April 4, 2012 at 4:51 pm

To quote Randy Newman:
"He may be a fool, but he's our fool."

the_onceler April 4, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Daniel Patterson sez: “I want to focus on family, break from politics.”

Sorry to his family.

LastGasp April 4, 2012 at 4:59 pm

This is not your average dope smoking politician.
True, the current occupant of the White House, and Bill Clinton, both smoked dope and they're O.K.
Now George W. Bush, he was into coke, and he gave us both a war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Hmm, perhaps Patterson smokes something a mite stronger than weed.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 4, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Pole, maybe?

Chet Kincaid April 4, 2012 at 6:11 pm

OK, now we go from "what the fuck are you talking about" to "too much information and not enough funny about what you're talking about." Keep trying.

imissopus April 4, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Okay, so there is a Democrat in Arizona who is a giant crazy dick, is what you're saying?

DahBoner April 4, 2012 at 8:03 pm

It's not the heat, it's the stupidity.

ttommyunger April 4, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Jeesh, a crazy asshole like this gives "guys who don't give a shit" a bad name; lighten up, dickwad.

James Michael Curley April 4, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Give me a break. When I first read this I thought you were talking about a Congressman. He's just a run of the mill AZ state representative. In NJ we got state legislators who make Tommy DeVito look like a choir boy.

Negropolis April 4, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Erik,

We need quotes with these things, and more brevity with the commentary…which can be accomplished by adding relevant media quotes.

donner_froh April 5, 2012 at 1:10 am

“I have made a habit of keeping a weapon near me when I sleep. I fear for my safety at the Capitol and have requested additional security.”

Well, Rep. Margaret “Lynne” Pancrazi (pan-crazy indeed) if you didn't sleep at the Capitol you wouldn't have to worry about being afraid.

Buckminster April 5, 2012 at 1:23 am

Thought you people were paid to stay awake and make legislation. Silly me.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 5, 2012 at 3:47 am

"admitting to smoking marijuana regularly and having sex with lobbyists; a rare combination in Arizona that has lawmakers gripping their sidearms in terror. "

(1) Admitting to (2) smoking marijuana, and (1) admitting to (2) having sex with lobbyists, are both rare combinations in Arizona. Which one, exactly, are they upset about?

oldedinvn April 5, 2012 at 7:46 am

What's wrong with slapping the bitch to keep her straight . Also too sleeping with lobbyists is a good thing, the whores pay you. I can see no downside to this.

prommie April 5, 2012 at 9:41 am

If Obama hates Ryan's budget so much, why does Obamacare cover antibiotics?

teebob2000 April 5, 2012 at 10:32 am

BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO HER DOG????!!!

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