Arizona Lege Votes to Criminalize ‘Lewd, Offensive’ Electronic Speech, Or ‘Every Wonkette Comment Ever’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Gettin' readyGood morning! Did you hear that? That was the Arizona legislature battering down your door, just for being you! What did you do this time? You were your usual profane, annoying, offensive, harrassing, terrifying Wonkette commenter self! Will Jan Brewer sign this inelegant and patently unconstitutional measure? Oh yeah, really no doubt about that. (You probably threatened to skullfuck her. Are you happy with yourselves NOW? Stupid question. Of course you are.)

H.B. 2549 would make it a crime to use any electronic or digital device to communicate using obscene, lewd or profane language or to suggest a lewd or lascivious act if done with intent to “annoy,” “offend,” “harass” or “terrify.”

Here, have some bill text!

It is unlawful for any person, with intent to terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, annoy or offend, to use a telephone ANY ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL DEVICE and use any obscene, lewd or profane language or suggest any lewd or lascivious act, or threaten to inflict physical harm to the person or property of any person. It is also unlawful to otherwise disturb by repeated anonymous telephone calls ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL COMMUNICATIONS the peace, quiet or right of privacy of any person at the place where the telephone call or calls COMMUNICATIONS were received.

So, that would be all of you. Hope you enjoy your upcoming stint in the Arizona hoosegow! We hear it’s lovely this time of year. [MediaCoalition/ComicBookLegalDefenseFund, via RawStory]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 202 comments }

ManchuCandidate April 2, 2012 at 9:27 am

Fuck Arizona in the ass. Amiright?

LetUsBray April 2, 2012 at 10:03 am

Is it possible to skullfuck someone in the ass?

elviouslyqueer April 2, 2012 at 10:05 am

Since that's where Jan's head spends most of its time, I'm thinking yes.

ManchuCandidate April 2, 2012 at 10:05 am

Yes. Jan Brewer's and the Az gubbiment has their heads up their collective ass.

Dudleydidwrong April 2, 2012 at 10:06 am

Fuck Arizona in the ass, along with the horses they ride and the politicians who fuck sheep, goats, and the good citizens of Arizona.

Bezoar April 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

Skullfuck Arizona in the ass. Fixed.

Shit. Way too slow. I hate my job.

GOPCrusher April 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

With a rusty chainsaw?

CivilMcMannerly April 2, 2012 at 9:27 am

"Lewd, Offensive, Annoying Electronic Speech, Or Every Wonkette Comment Ever"

Who the hell are you calling electronic?!? I won't stand for this!

Blendergoathead April 2, 2012 at 9:31 am

Pink underwearz for all!

Skullfuck, also.

Naked_Bunny April 2, 2012 at 10:08 am

I think this means Arpaio is banned from any sort of electronic device in Arizona.

Dr_Zoidberg April 2, 2012 at 9:31 am

Fuck you sideways, Arizona.

Major Thom April 2, 2012 at 9:31 am

Jan Brewer puts an ugly face on a beautiful state.

James Michael Curley April 2, 2012 at 9:34 am

That photo up there looks like those sidebar ads where the old lady is peeling something off her face to make it look like she has human skin.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 9:38 am

I bet if you went just one layer deeper, say you use an apple peeler or a paring knife (not that I'm suggesting anyone should do this, no sirreee!) you'd find reptilian scales.

Again.

James Michael Curley April 2, 2012 at 9:50 am

Needs a Dremel 4000.

teebob2000 April 2, 2012 at 10:01 am

C'mon, give her a break, it's the only one she's got.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 10:06 am

I'm pretty sure she's two-faced.

Quayle2012_KNOT April 2, 2012 at 9:31 am

Jan seems to begging for a little of the old in-and-out.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 9:38 am

Not with yours, my friend.

ManchuCandidate April 2, 2012 at 9:53 am

Not with Rick Santorum's

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 10:00 am

Not with a Romsangrich (that's like a turducken: Romney's dick stuffed with Santorum's stuffed with Newt's)

Naked_Bunny April 2, 2012 at 10:11 am

I hope you're talking about something with a toilet plunger.

doloras April 2, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Ultra violence, ultra chic.

James Michael Curley April 2, 2012 at 9:31 am

YOu mean I go to jail if I threaten to fuck Jan Brewer's lawn jockey or eucalyptus trees?

MrFizzy April 2, 2012 at 9:36 am

It would be more lewd to fuck her.

sullivanst April 2, 2012 at 11:20 am

Only if you meant to annoy her.

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

I think Tree Fucking is more of a California thing:
http://m.gawker.com/5897159/

imissopus April 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Well, when a man and a tree love each other very much…

AddHomonym April 2, 2012 at 9:31 am

This law annoys, offends, harasses and terrifies me. Now what? Do I have to share my cell with AZ legislators?

Designer_Rants April 2, 2012 at 10:18 am

THIS BILL IS ABOUT FREEDOM AND LIBERTY!!!!1!

Steverino247 April 2, 2012 at 9:32 am

Dear Arizona,

Come and get me, you stupid motherfuckers. I find your bill to be annoying, so arrest yourselves before I come over there and skullfuck every one of you stupid, ignorant bastards.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 2, 2012 at 9:32 am

What if we have Wonkette family in Arizona, and they happen to read something offensive? Would the consuming family member also go to jails, and get pounded in the bootie or something?

OT: Happy Birthday, Dashboard Buddha!

freakishlywrong April 2, 2012 at 10:07 am

Indeed, Dashboard, clinkclink!

wolvenwood13 April 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

Yes but you also get free pink underwear so wadda ya complaining about?

GunToting[Redacted] April 2, 2012 at 9:32 am

I guess this means we're all fucked, eh? Guess I'll wait for Sheriff Joe's shock troops to arrive.

FakaktaSouth April 2, 2012 at 9:32 am

Hey Jan, the first Amendment and I got a finger for YOU this time, baby. (Freedom to annoy on the reals y'all)

IncenseDebate April 2, 2012 at 9:33 am

I wouldn't do Jan. But, Marcia, oh yeah. Alice too. Maybe. Also.

montreal_bruin April 2, 2012 at 9:46 am

Always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!! Waah!

SnarkoMarx April 2, 2012 at 9:33 am

I don't think that even the Roberts court could find a way to spin this as constitutional. Hope I'm not speaking too soon.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 2, 2012 at 7:53 pm

"The Constitution says nothing about electronic communications, so it's OK."

-Antonin Scalia

tessiee April 2, 2012 at 9:33 am

Wow, and you guys thought Rebecca was tough?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 2, 2012 at 9:40 am

I'm still scared of her, but it's more of a "I'VE BEEN BAAAAD" kinda way.

tessiee April 2, 2012 at 10:29 am

Are you suggesting that Rebecca is…
A cruel mistress of discipline [Professor Frink voice] with the fishnets and the stiletto heels and the "hey hey hey, don't hurt me!"?

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

I desperately pray so…

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 2, 2012 at 10:47 am

Actually, the idea of that behavior repulses me, because I tend to seek pleasure with pleasure, not pain in mind… but for illustrative, disarming purposes toward our so-called "Editrix", I thought I'd lean in that direction. For teh lulz.

weej_FukuiKatie April 2, 2012 at 9:55 am

Will Rebecca be okay with our previous suggestions in this thread that Arizona enjoy carnal knowledge of itself, by itself, and also and too of sun-bleached bovine craniums?

Biff April 2, 2012 at 11:21 am

You forgot to itself.

MrFizzy April 2, 2012 at 9:34 am

Three million dumbasses running around with loaded weapons: acceptable (well-organized militia) Lewd speech: unacceptable (someone may disagree with the tea party). Orange lipstick: ____________?

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 9:41 am

Orange lipstick: ____________?

= rust stains?

upthruster April 2, 2012 at 9:36 am

When you combine this with AZ's "Papers Please" law, it's clear their law makers are saying "nobody gets to annoy or threaten you accept us".

Steverino247 April 2, 2012 at 9:37 am

Dermatologists hate Arizona. I read it in an ad on Wonkette.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 9:42 am

Proctologists love it, however, cuz of all the loose assholes there.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 9:37 am

So Editrix is really Jan Brewer?

ZHollows April 2, 2012 at 9:38 am

They do realize that this would apply to their own internetz tea bagger trollz as well, right?

ManchuCandidate April 2, 2012 at 9:43 am

Of course not. Rules are for little people, teh ghey, not REAL US AMericuns (ie not white) and liebruls not for Kochs and Kochsuckers.

PuckStopsHere April 2, 2012 at 10:27 am

Of course not cause they would never say anything lewd or offensive or threatening. If the law outlawed stupid and/or boring it would be a different story.

snoopyfan2010 April 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

The law says lewd and offensive not racist and bigoted. That is what they consider entertainment.

GOPCrusher April 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm

That's covered under the "Unless you are a Caucasian with a long form live birth certificate verifying American citizenship" rider to this law.

FlownOver April 2, 2012 at 9:39 am

But that's one unfuckable skull. Zero turgidity possible.

James Michael Curley April 2, 2012 at 9:56 am

Like trying to get sausage meat back in the casing.

Mumble_JustSayYesOta April 2, 2012 at 9:40 am

Time has not been kind to that face.

Dudleydidwrong April 2, 2012 at 10:12 am

And that face has not been kind to time, either. Stick your head back up your ass, Jan, as it annoys the rest of the world.

Swampgas_Man April 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

Time, sunlight, EEevil, etc.

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

Looks like she was shot out of a cannon into London's Big Ben…

GOPCrusher April 2, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Hard to believe that she's only 29 years old, isn't it?

Veritas78 April 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Those are Mayan years. She's actually dead.

HippieEsq April 2, 2012 at 9:40 am

Was this bill called the "No More Northeast Jews In Scottsdale Act of 2012"?

Goonemeritus April 2, 2012 at 9:42 am

They risk outlawing Arizona itself after all what’s Arizona if not our must lewd and offensive State.

Biff April 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

I thought that was the Dangly Appendage®…

Jus_Wonderin April 2, 2012 at 9:44 am

Isn't Electronic Speech protected by the Constitution? It's typed in there, isn't it? In Courier, of course.

Guppy April 2, 2012 at 11:11 am

The Second Amendment is Comic Sans.

SorosBot April 2, 2012 at 9:45 am

Man, that gosh-darned Arizona legislature is filled with a bunch of excrement-headed penis-suckers.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 2, 2012 at 10:12 am

That vagina! Nope, doesn't have the same ring to it.

redarmyzombie April 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

What about @sscunt? does @sscunt work? More importantly, will I get in trouble for this?

redarmyzombie April 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Uh, did I say @sscunt? IIIIIIII meeeaant abscond! Yeah, totally, it was abscond…

Gleem McShineys April 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm

vagina…the same ring

wait, JAN'S IS PIERCED?!

*VOMMMMMMMMMMit*

SudsMcKenzie April 2, 2012 at 9:46 am

So, if I say "Jan Brewer looks like a bleached ass crack" I would get in trouble?

sent on my iphone

weej_FukuiKatie April 2, 2012 at 10:00 am

Perhaps not if you expressed personal concern say like:

"Jan Brewer looks like a bleached ass crack, so she should get that well-used saddle she calls her face checked for them basal thingies or full-blown melanoma."

SudsMcKenzie April 2, 2012 at 10:05 am

Thats alot of words, the Internet is getting harder.

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 10:05 am

Hm, maybe you could shorten it to "Jan Brewer looks like a cancerous bleached ass crack".

weej_FukuiKatie April 2, 2012 at 10:08 am

Ah the good touch of an editor. Also be easier for me having to type with one hand for another 5 weeks.

GemlikeFlame April 2, 2012 at 9:48 am

There goes that 89 rating I worked so hard for.

GemlikeFlame April 2, 2012 at 9:50 am

Yep, down to 88.

GemlikeFlame April 2, 2012 at 9:55 am

Aaaaand there's 87, and I have yet to say anything more obscene than Sarah Palin being a bloodthirsty moron. I wonder how many one line replies it'll take to bring me down to 0?

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 10:00 am

Down to 86. You're going down faster than Bristol on a hockey team

Mumble_JustSayYesOta April 2, 2012 at 10:10 am

GF, DON't say another word… Hurry wonkette family, thumb-'em up to infinity and beyond! Wendy, Michael & Peter Pan: clap like hell for Tinkerbell's light to shine again! Or fap? No, just clap~

Dudleydidwrong April 2, 2012 at 10:14 am

Speaking of the clap, how's Jan Brewer these days?

Biff April 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

How does one actually lose pee in a zero negative input environment?

sullivanst April 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

I"ve noticed that commenting too often can negatively affect your p.

If they're good comments, you get it back when they get upfisted, but spamming boring crap will hurt you.

MrFizzy April 2, 2012 at 3:51 pm

89 is the new 12. I think the whole P rating machine is broken. I should be at least 200 by this point.

smitallica April 2, 2012 at 9:50 am

This law is reta—sorry, "on the far, far end of the spectrum."

SudsMcKenzie April 2, 2012 at 9:50 am

And Red State just became 10% more congenial.

Chichikovovich April 2, 2012 at 9:50 am

H.B. 2549 would make it a crime to use any… digital device … to suggest a lewd or lascivious act if done with intent to “annoy,” [or] “offend,…”

I'm not even allowed to give people the finger anymore?

EDIT: and would this bill retroactively cover the time when Brewer stuck her digital device in the president's face?

James Michael Curley April 2, 2012 at 10:12 am

But Your Honor when I called him a "Stupid, Red Necked Motherf*cker" I was merely trying to provide a factual assessment of his intellectual capacity, dermal complexion and family history.

sullivanst April 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

Well, if you're not gonna feel bound by the 1st Amendment, why should Article 1 Section 9 fare any better?

DonnyKerabotsos April 2, 2012 at 9:50 am

This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.

Limeylizzie April 2, 2012 at 10:03 am

Jan Brewer is a St. Bernard?

Mumble_JustSayYesOta April 2, 2012 at 10:07 am

Jan Brewer is a St. Bernard?

Ha! L.L., forgive me if you already knew DK's meaning and were just bluffing.
On the dubbed, shown-on-teevee version of Big Lebowski, one scene in particular, Walt's expletive-filled words are substituted with DK's phrase. (I think?) OK yeah, you probably already knew that.

DonnyKerabotsos April 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

MubleJust is correct about the source, but your comment reminds me of the St Bernard my uncle owned when we were kids.

Big and beautiful, friendly and furry, affectionate and protective of children and old people alike. 130lbs of love. Wonderful dog.

Definitely not Jan Brewer.

Limeylizzie April 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

They are wonderful animals.

dinkybossetti April 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

Ohh… Saints are so awesome. I had one growing up. The only bad thing about him was the slobber. Other than that, he was amazing in every way – just gentle and kind and protective and totally laid-back.
One time, he knocked me onto the bank of a creek when the ice I was standing on was breaking. I mean, it was a small creek, and I would have only gotten my boots wet, but it's the thought that counts.

FlownOver April 2, 2012 at 10:25 am

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

And tourists already broke off the penis…

doloras April 2, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Ötzi libel!

samsuncle April 2, 2012 at 9:51 am

Interesting post but what' s with the picture of a shar pei?

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 9:55 am

I think Brewer's more a dull pee

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 2, 2012 at 9:58 am

I didn't see a shar pei. I saw Hillary Clinton on gin and percocet.

valthemus April 2, 2012 at 10:05 am

Sure it's not a shit sue? Wait, did I spell that right?

DaRooster April 2, 2012 at 11:17 am

Arizona will let you know.

widestanceromance April 2, 2012 at 10:18 am

I thought it was an aerial shot of some drought-stricken area, but it is not an aerial shot at all.

Warpde April 2, 2012 at 9:51 am

Well now Arizona, first your gonna have to find me and then file all the correct paperwork for extradition.
Dumb stupid ass mother fuckers
And no, I wouldn't skullfuck Jan. Even if she had the last skull to fuck.

OkieDokieDog April 2, 2012 at 9:56 am

Jan looks like she's thinking. "Don't make me come over there and skullfuck you, Obummer boy, cause I will. I mean it."

actor212 April 2, 2012 at 10:01 am

Thinking? I'm not sure that's even possible for her.

Biff April 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

Reptile brain does not think, only reacts.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 2, 2012 at 9:58 am

I'm jealous. How come Arizona gets the cool thought-crime legislation? All we get is this stupid creationism-in-schools legislation, in Tennessee.

You get to watch your new law come up for appeal in the courts and get struck down. We have to teach our kids that a snake can talk — and that some women listen to what they say.

LesBontemps April 2, 2012 at 10:11 am

You've already got your legislators working overtime on the "Don't Say Ghey" law. How much dumbfuckery do you think they can handle in one session?

Numbat_Dundee April 2, 2012 at 9:58 am

First they went for the immigrants and I did not care because I'm Australian and I only post occasionally on Wonkette (which doesn't require a Green Card). Then they went for the lewd Internet posters and I was somewhat afraid because I'd called Jan Brewer a wrinkled piece of road kill that had once been a turd expelled by one of the more unattractive members of the Hitler Youth who had settlled in Phoenix.
Also I realised that I had made a mistake which could have made me liable to a libel suit. The Hitler Youth member may have been handsome!

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 11:44 am

#WINNING

Lucidamente1 April 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

Stand Your Ground, intertoobs edition.

Come here a minute April 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

Shit, now I'm wanted by the cuntards in Arizona too?

iburl April 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

Annoyances have been criminalized! Horray! Sarah Palin is headed to pink panty camp!

valthemus April 2, 2012 at 10:02 am

The legislators only want the people they pay talking dirty to them. And only upon request.

teebob2000 April 2, 2012 at 10:02 am

Personally, I'm eagerly looking forward to many more Wonkette blog posts with this tag.

elviouslyqueer April 2, 2012 at 10:03 am

You probably threatened to skullfuck her

Haha NO Rebecca, because skullfucking introduces the possibility that Jan's yapping wrinkled alcoholic Medusa-like maw would be anywhere near any of my pleasure centers. DO NOT WANT.

Naked_Bunny April 2, 2012 at 10:04 am

When I was a kid, my mom told me that I could get arrested for swearing on the phone.

While I appreciate Arizona trying to make the lies parents tell their children come true, I'd have preferred they start by legislating Santa Claus into existence.

AddHomonym April 2, 2012 at 10:04 am

Solution: make all your lewd comments in person.

freakishlywrong April 2, 2012 at 10:05 am

Where does this leave Flush? Radio is an electronic device.

Limeylizzie April 2, 2012 at 10:07 am

That woman is a wrinkled, dry-cunted, shrill, leathery, regressive, rude,pandering, moronic, ignorant, racist, piece of excrement and I would like to rip off her arm and beat her with the soggy end.

I

WhatTheHolyHeck April 2, 2012 at 10:15 am

It's been nice knowing you.

widestanceromance April 2, 2012 at 10:21 am

I find your comment easy to meditate to.

ttommyunger April 2, 2012 at 11:14 am

But how do you really feel about her?

GOPCrusher April 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

And those are her redeeming features.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 2, 2012 at 10:08 am

Balls!

MilwaukeeKent April 2, 2012 at 10:09 am

Jan, Honey, I viewed your fucking picture this morning, electronically, and now I'm fucking terrified.

elviouslyqueer April 2, 2012 at 10:34 am

The resemblance, it is uncanny!

redarmyzombie April 2, 2012 at 11:49 am

Huh. What'd'ya know. It is.

bflrtsplk April 2, 2012 at 10:11 am

I thought Wonkette comments were already illegal as lewd, offensive, librul blah blah blah communication. That's half the fun of doing it.

Eve8Apples April 2, 2012 at 10:11 am

Don't retreat. Re-offend. Re-intimidate. Re-harass. Re-terrify.

smashedinhat April 2, 2012 at 10:13 am

I can seriously envision Obama tapping out something rude on his brand new iPad, just for the lulz. "Smell my finger bitch!"

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 2, 2012 at 10:14 am

Did you guys know that all of arizona's legislation is typed in comic sans? It's true, look it up.

Designer_Rants April 2, 2012 at 11:35 pm

AZ C-SPAN needz moar Yakety Sax.

Naked_Bunny April 2, 2012 at 10:14 am

Are rude smilies forbidden?

James Michael Curley April 2, 2012 at 10:24 am

Only if they include dyke or ass.

prommie April 2, 2012 at 10:15 am

Fear not, all you obscene, lewd, violent skullfuckers, this is Not A Thing. This is a very typical statutory definition of the crime of "harrassment." Even my true-blue though Fat-Governored State's offense definition for harrassment is broader than this one, and think what that means for the fat fuck governor, who is the human embodiment of crude, loud, offensive and annoying. NJ law defines harrassment as including any communication made "anonymously or at extremely inconvenient hours, or in offensively coarse language, or any other manner likely to cause annoyance or alarm." Condescending lawyer condescendingly says "you are freaking because your non-lawyer brain does not understand the import of what you are reading."

James Michael Curley April 2, 2012 at 10:35 am

Chris Crisco landed in Israel this morning. I don't know his itinerary but he's not going to make it into several of the most holy of sites. They have openings that are smaller than his head.

prommie April 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

His presence validates the Holy Land, though; now Israel is relevant. Not many things are as large as his head. Soon, the superdome will be unable to contain his head.

Biff April 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

But pigs aren't kosher, are they?

BerkeleyBear April 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

I was going to post something similar (it is plainly an effort to update prank call laws to cover e-mails/texts). I'm guessing that the committee that did this never thought of Wonkette, or really any sort of general posted comment site. However, I will say there's a chance in there a patently disingenuous law enforcement agent (say, one with a pink panty fetish) could try to use it to arrest anyone who posts comments to his "citizen's posse" website that point out his resemblance to fossilized fecal matter.

I think any judge worth a damn would toss such a prosecution and/or declare the statute unconstitutionally overbroad as applied in such cases, but I wish the legislators had been a little more circumspect in their language.

sullivanst April 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

It does seem like a breeding ground for that old con-law favorite, the "as-applied challenge", doesn't it?

Steverino247 April 2, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Yeah, I recognized the language, but I just thought I would take the opportunity to threaten the State of Arizona with skullfucking.

DocChaos April 2, 2012 at 10:16 am

Damn liberal Arizonans and their PC speech codes!

June_Cleaver2.0 April 2, 2012 at 10:17 am

Oh, Republicans and their small government.

Dudleydidwrong April 2, 2012 at 10:21 am

Dipshit Jan has spent too much time breathing Arizona desert dust and has a chronic case of hantavirus. It doesn't kill at this level of infection, but it just makes you look and act stoopid. And she does, and is. Hey, Jan: bite this!

LetUsBray April 2, 2012 at 10:21 am

She'll get you, my pretties. And your little dogs, too.

hagajim April 2, 2012 at 10:26 am

This might be what happens when you elect a bunch of fucking idiots to run your state….dumbasses, each and every one of them. Maybe they ought to pick up a fucking book – or the Constitution – once in a while.

meatpuppet2 April 2, 2012 at 10:28 am

How embarassing for that state. They have become a laughing stock.

tessiee April 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

Of all the things I did that I wasn't supposed to do, and all the things I didn't do that I *was* supposed to do, I'm glad I started hitting the sunblock at a relatively early age.

That, and flossing.

BTWBFDIMHO April 2, 2012 at 10:35 am

Jan Brewer is the Governotrix of Arizona.

kissawookiee April 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

As a resident of Arizona, I would like to point out that my Wonkette comments are only ever intended to amuse, pique, or, from time to time, ruffle. Never to offend or–saints preserve us–annoy.

HippieEsq April 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

Three Words Wonketteers: Ben Quayle's Texts.

WiscDad April 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

I hope whole state signs on to her twitter account just to say 'fuck you'. Prosecute that muthafukka.

mavenmaven April 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

It is also illegal under this law to use a rap song title as an ID, under pain of death.

Guppy April 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

That was the Arizona legislature battering down your door,

Pfft, I live in Florida. I'll just "stand my ground."

Designer_Rants April 2, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Everyone just needs to shoot their way outta this mess.

Biff April 2, 2012 at 11:08 am

In the neck, brewer!

Jerri April 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

What if my intent is to amuse and delight Arizona by using obscene, lewd or profane language or suggesting any lewd or lascivious act? What then!?

Guppy April 2, 2012 at 11:14 am

In Arizona, terrifying, intimidating, threatening, harassing, annoying and offensive language is relegated to bumper stickers.

jzgplj April 2, 2012 at 11:15 am

One wonders how this old bag o' bones Brewer is still breathing. Fuck Arizona for being stupid enough to elect these pukeheads.

ttommyunger April 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

But a face like like will remain legal?

BlueStateLibel April 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

You are all under arrest!

Designer_Rants April 2, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Needz moar ED-209.

sullivanst April 2, 2012 at 11:17 am

The intent here is probably fairly admirable: to stop txt-bullying.

The implementation is ridiculously awful. The sun's baked their brains.

lisawines April 2, 2012 at 11:32 am

As a technical Arizona resident (hiding in France), I say, "Blow me, Jan."

Callyson April 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

You know who else is annoying, offensive, “harassing, or terrifying?

sullivanst April 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

The Donald?

HistoriCat April 2, 2012 at 3:57 pm

75% of morning DJs?

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

They don't take kindly to Camel Fucking in Arizona, anymores???

BUT WHERE WILL TEH FUTURE OF THE ARIZONA REPUBLICAN PARTY COME FROM THEN…

StarsUponThars April 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

Take us to school, Professor Carlin:

"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I uh, I think is important. I love..as I say, they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have really.

We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. You know, [humming]. And, then we assign a word to a thought, [clicks tongue]. And we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. I like to think, yeah, the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.

There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions.

And words, you know the seven don't you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, wow. Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits, come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat just one. That's true I usually switch off . But I mean that word does not belong on the list.

Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list…like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are…those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that."

Biff April 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

From the LP "Banned in Scottsdale"?

Steverino247 April 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I have in my possession, a copy of his "working list" of rude terms. I think my favorite was a reference to the penis as the "Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love."

redarmyzombie April 2, 2012 at 11:59 am

Hmm…Let's see…shame, shame…
Nope, I dare say I'm actually feeling proud this very morning! Proud indeed.

Oh, and, ah, to the Arizona legilature, I say: twat, dick, ass, shit, motherfucker. There, that should meet my quota for the day.

a_pink_poodle April 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Nice knowing you, Arizona Wonketteers!

CommieLibunatic April 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Fuck you, Brewer. I have your precious First Amendment on my side. In fact, I'm going to write an essay on what I think about this.*

*Spoiler: it'll just be "FUCK" typed out 8,000 times.

Designer_Rants April 2, 2012 at 11:27 pm

"Misery" libel!

HelmutNewton April 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

As from the obvious legal and constitutional problems, how the Hell would they ever enforce something like this? Every rabid teabagger in the entire state would be breaking the law multiple times a day, every day!

Thanks again, party of "smaller government" (Ha!).

lulzmonger April 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Nope. Wasn't me.

I wouldn't even skullGENTLYCARESS that thing with Hitler's schlong, let alone my own poor ol' Lulzmongrel.

deanbooth April 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

There's an app for that.

poorgradstudent April 2, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Arizona's new state motto should be "Pushing the Boundaries of Godwin's Law."

barto April 2, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Adios, Redstate!

Anyway I don't think I could get it up to skullfuck a woman with the face of a freeze-dried rhesus monkey.

Designer_Rants April 2, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Needz moar cymbals.

owhatever April 2, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Another piece of landmark jobs legislation by the Arizona legislature.

GortRay April 2, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Stan, the Wonkette commenter, thrust his throbbing electronic device into Gov. Brewer's gaping grand canyon.

WonkCynic April 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The crusty old wench introduced it, but John McCain will sign it, and King Obarmer will call him on the phone to thank him for another job well done. Hail to the rising prison called Amerika!

As for Jan Brewer; you have to admit, there's a certain sexiness about her. I'd personally like to "take one for the team" by volunteering to go down on her crusty old twat in the interest of answering the following question: Does crusty old ancient twat taste and smell like taco, fish, or fishy taco? Mmmmm, yummy. I likes it when old tarts wrap their wrinkled old legs around my head while I munch the crust out of their tangy old muffs. But I'm not normal.

Schmegeg April 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Ma'am, you look like one of the four legged characters on Luck. Or maybe your father was one. Now, I will call a lawyer.

Preacher_Griz April 2, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Grandmother Gov Brewer is so hawt!!!!!

jgalleg4 April 2, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I want some lewd, dusty, and dry anal sexytime with Arizona.

glamourdammerung April 2, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Small government!

FieryLocks April 2, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Hey Jan, go fuck yourself while getting a reach around from Sheriff Fat Fuck Arpaio.
Fuck Shit Cock Asshole Damn Cunt Dick Bitch…
Come and get me Arizona

baldheadeddork April 2, 2012 at 10:37 pm

100% True Story:

In the early 90's the Arizona Lege was pushing through a bill to outlaw hardcore rap records. The Phoenix New Times (before they turned into the Evil Alt Weekly Empire) had one of its reporters call then-Rep Jan Brewer and tricked Brewer into reading NWA and Ice-T lyrics aloud, which they recorded.

The next day the New Times set up a mobile DJ truck across from the capitol at lunchtime and began spinning the Jan Brewer remix of Me So Horny, Dick Almighty and other love songs at the statehouse. The stunt had the desired effect. It made the legislature look ridiculous at a time when the state's economy was imploding (remember the S&L real estate goatscrew?) and killed the legislation. I thought it put a permanent hitch in Brewer's political aspirations, too. I still can't believe they elected that numbskull governor.

And if anyone at NT has a bootleg of that tape, I'll pay $100 for a copy.

Designer_Rants April 2, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Jeezus, is that Leatherface? HAW HAW. Seriously tho, I'll probably look that way when I'm her age, too. If I make it to my first millennium.

SudsMcKenzie April 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

Well at least you can finally answer the question; "what is the sound of one hand typing". think about it.

CthuNHu April 2, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Dammit, man, that prescription was Rush's supply for his next three vacations!

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