skullfucking skullfucking skullfucking and also too skullfucking

Arizona Lege Votes to Criminalize ‘Lewd, Offensive’ Electronic Speech, Or ‘Every Wonkette Comment Ever’

Gettin' readyGood morning! Did you hear that? That was the Arizona legislature battering down your door, just for being you! What did you do this time? You were your usual profane, annoying, offensive, harrassing, terrifying Wonkette commenter self! Will Jan Brewer sign this inelegant and patently unconstitutional measure? Oh yeah, really no doubt about that. (You probably threatened to skullfuck her. Are you happy with yourselves NOW? Stupid question. Of course you are.)

H.B. 2549 would make it a crime to use any electronic or digital device to communicate using obscene, lewd or profane language or to suggest a lewd or lascivious act if done with intent to “annoy,” “offend,” “harass” or “terrify.”

Here, have some bill text!

It is unlawful for any person, with intent to terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, annoy or offend, to use a telephone ANY ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL DEVICE and use any obscene, lewd or profane language or suggest any lewd or lascivious act, or threaten to inflict physical harm to the person or property of any person. It is also unlawful to otherwise disturb by repeated anonymous telephone calls ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL COMMUNICATIONS the peace, quiet or right of privacy of any person at the place where the telephone call or calls COMMUNICATIONS were received.

So, that would be all of you. Hope you enjoy your upcoming stint in the Arizona hoosegow! We hear it’s lovely this time of year. [MediaCoalition/ComicBookLegalDefenseFund, via RawStory]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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202 comments

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Fuck Arizona in the ass, along with the horses they ride and the politicians who fuck sheep, goats, and the good citizens of Arizona.

  1. CivilMcMannerly

    "Lewd, Offensive, Annoying Electronic Speech, Or Every Wonkette Comment Ever"

    Who the hell are you calling electronic?!? I won't stand for this!

    1. James Michael Curley

      That photo up there looks like those sidebar ads where the old lady is peeling something off her face to make it look like she has human skin.

      1. actor212

        I bet if you went just one layer deeper, say you use an apple peeler or a paring knife (not that I'm suggesting anyone should do this, no sirreee!) you'd find reptilian scales.

        Again.

  2. James Michael Curley

    YOu mean I go to jail if I threaten to fuck Jan Brewer's lawn jockey or eucalyptus trees?

  3. AddHomonym

    This law annoys, offends, harasses and terrifies me. Now what? Do I have to share my cell with AZ legislators?

  4. Steverino247

    Dear Arizona,

    Come and get me, you stupid motherfuckers. I find your bill to be annoying, so arrest yourselves before I come over there and skullfuck every one of you stupid, ignorant bastards.

  5. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    What if we have Wonkette family in Arizona, and they happen to read something offensive? Would the consuming family member also go to jails, and get pounded in the bootie or something?

    OT: Happy Birthday, Dashboard Buddha!

  6. GunToting[Redacted]

    I guess this means we're all fucked, eh? Guess I'll wait for Sheriff Joe's shock troops to arrive.

  7. FakaktaSouth

    Hey Jan, the first Amendment and I got a finger for YOU this time, baby. (Freedom to annoy on the reals y'all)

  8. SnarkoMarx

    I don't think that even the Roberts court could find a way to spin this as constitutional. Hope I'm not speaking too soon.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "The Constitution says nothing about electronic communications, so it's OK."

      -Antonin Scalia

    1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      I'm still scared of her, but it's more of a "I'VE BEEN BAAAAD" kinda way.

      1. tessiee

        Are you suggesting that Rebecca is…
        A cruel mistress of discipline [Professor Frink voice] with the fishnets and the stiletto heels and the "hey hey hey, don't hurt me!"?

        1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

          Actually, the idea of that behavior repulses me, because I tend to seek pleasure with pleasure, not pain in mind… but for illustrative, disarming purposes toward our so-called "Editrix", I thought I'd lean in that direction. For teh lulz.

    2. weej_FukuiKatie

      Will Rebecca be okay with our previous suggestions in this thread that Arizona enjoy carnal knowledge of itself, by itself, and also and too of sun-bleached bovine craniums?

  9. MrFizzy

    Three million dumbasses running around with loaded weapons: acceptable (well-organized militia) Lewd speech: unacceptable (someone may disagree with the tea party). Orange lipstick: ____________?

  10. upthruster

    When you combine this with AZ's "Papers Please" law, it's clear their law makers are saying "nobody gets to annoy or threaten you accept us".

  11. ZHollows

    They do realize that this would apply to their own internetz tea bagger trollz as well, right?

      1. PuckStopsHere

        Of course not cause they would never say anything lewd or offensive or threatening. If the law outlawed stupid and/or boring it would be a different story.

    1. snoopyfan2010

      The law says lewd and offensive not racist and bigoted. That is what they consider entertainment.

    2. GOPCrusher

      That's covered under the "Unless you are a Caucasian with a long form live birth certificate verifying American citizenship" rider to this law.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      And that face has not been kind to time, either. Stick your head back up your ass, Jan, as it annoys the rest of the world.

  12. Goonemeritus

    They risk outlawing Arizona itself after all what’s Arizona if not our must lewd and offensive State.

  13. Jus_Wonderin

    Isn't Electronic Speech protected by the Constitution? It's typed in there, isn't it? In Courier, of course.

  14. SorosBot

    Man, that gosh-darned Arizona legislature is filled with a bunch of excrement-headed penis-suckers.

      1. redarmyzombie

        What about @sscunt? does @sscunt work? More importantly, will I get in trouble for this?

  15. SudsMcKenzie

    So, if I say "Jan Brewer looks like a bleached ass crack" I would get in trouble?

    sent on my iphone

    1. weej_FukuiKatie

      Perhaps not if you expressed personal concern say like:

      "Jan Brewer looks like a bleached ass crack, so she should get that well-used saddle she calls her face checked for them basal thingies or full-blown melanoma."

          1. SudsMcKenzie

            Well at least you can finally answer the question; "what is the sound of one hand typing". think about it.

      1. GemlikeFlame

        Aaaaand there's 87, and I have yet to say anything more obscene than Sarah Palin being a bloodthirsty moron. I wonder how many one line replies it'll take to bring me down to 0?

        1. Mumble_JustSayYesOta

          GF, DON't say another word… Hurry wonkette family, thumb-'em up to infinity and beyond! Wendy, Michael & Peter Pan: clap like hell for Tinkerbell's light to shine again! Or fap? No, just clap~

      1. sullivanst

        I"ve noticed that commenting too often can negatively affect your p.

        If they're good comments, you get it back when they get upfisted, but spamming boring crap will hurt you.

    1. MrFizzy

      89 is the new 12. I think the whole P rating machine is broken. I should be at least 200 by this point.

  16. Chichikovovich

    H.B. 2549 would make it a crime to use any… digital device … to suggest a lewd or lascivious act if done with intent to “annoy,” [or] “offend,…”

    I'm not even allowed to give people the finger anymore?

    EDIT: and would this bill retroactively cover the time when Brewer stuck her digital device in the president's face?

    1. James Michael Curley

      But Your Honor when I called him a "Stupid, Red Necked Motherf*cker" I was merely trying to provide a factual assessment of his intellectual capacity, dermal complexion and family history.

    2. sullivanst

      Well, if you're not gonna feel bound by the 1st Amendment, why should Article 1 Section 9 fare any better?

      1. Mumble_JustSayYesOta

        Jan Brewer is a St. Bernard?

        Ha! L.L., forgive me if you already knew DK's meaning and were just bluffing.
        On the dubbed, shown-on-teevee version of Big Lebowski, one scene in particular, Walt's expletive-filled words are substituted with DK's phrase. (I think?) OK yeah, you probably already knew that.

      2. DonnyKerabotsos

        MubleJust is correct about the source, but your comment reminds me of the St Bernard my uncle owned when we were kids.

        Big and beautiful, friendly and furry, affectionate and protective of children and old people alike. 130lbs of love. Wonderful dog.

        Definitely not Jan Brewer.

        1. dinkybossetti

          Ohh… Saints are so awesome. I had one growing up. The only bad thing about him was the slobber. Other than that, he was amazing in every way – just gentle and kind and protective and totally laid-back.
          One time, he knocked me onto the bank of a creek when the ice I was standing on was breaking. I mean, it was a small creek, and I would have only gotten my boots wet, but it's the thought that counts.

    1. widestanceromance

      I thought it was an aerial shot of some drought-stricken area, but it is not an aerial shot at all.

  17. Warpde

    Well now Arizona, first your gonna have to find me and then file all the correct paperwork for extradition.
    Dumb stupid ass mother fuckers
    And no, I wouldn't skullfuck Jan. Even if she had the last skull to fuck.

  18. OkieDokieDog

    Jan looks like she's thinking. "Don't make me come over there and skullfuck you, Obummer boy, cause I will. I mean it."

  19. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I'm jealous. How come Arizona gets the cool thought-crime legislation? All we get is this stupid creationism-in-schools legislation, in Tennessee.

    You get to watch your new law come up for appeal in the courts and get struck down. We have to teach our kids that a snake can talk — and that some women listen to what they say.

    1. LesBontemps

      You've already got your legislators working overtime on the "Don't Say Ghey" law. How much dumbfuckery do you think they can handle in one session?

  20. Numbat_Dundee

    First they went for the immigrants and I did not care because I'm Australian and I only post occasionally on Wonkette (which doesn't require a Green Card). Then they went for the lewd Internet posters and I was somewhat afraid because I'd called Jan Brewer a wrinkled piece of road kill that had once been a turd expelled by one of the more unattractive members of the Hitler Youth who had settlled in Phoenix.
    Also I realised that I had made a mistake which could have made me liable to a libel suit. The Hitler Youth member may have been handsome!

  21. teebob2000

    Personally, I'm eagerly looking forward to many more Wonkette blog posts with this tag.

  22. elviouslyqueer

    You probably threatened to skullfuck her

    Haha NO Rebecca, because skullfucking introduces the possibility that Jan's yapping wrinkled alcoholic Medusa-like maw would be anywhere near any of my pleasure centers. DO NOT WANT.

  23. Naked_Bunny

    When I was a kid, my mom told me that I could get arrested for swearing on the phone.

    While I appreciate Arizona trying to make the lies parents tell their children come true, I'd have preferred they start by legislating Santa Claus into existence.

  24. Limeylizzie

    That woman is a wrinkled, dry-cunted, shrill, leathery, regressive, rude,pandering, moronic, ignorant, racist, piece of excrement and I would like to rip off her arm and beat her with the soggy end.

    I

  25. bflrtsplk

    I thought Wonkette comments were already illegal as lewd, offensive, librul blah blah blah communication. That's half the fun of doing it.

  26. smashedinhat

    I can seriously envision Obama tapping out something rude on his brand new iPad, just for the lulz. "Smell my finger bitch!"

  27. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Did you guys know that all of arizona's legislation is typed in comic sans? It's true, look it up.

  28. prommie

    Fear not, all you obscene, lewd, violent skullfuckers, this is Not A Thing. This is a very typical statutory definition of the crime of "harrassment." Even my true-blue though Fat-Governored State's offense definition for harrassment is broader than this one, and think what that means for the fat fuck governor, who is the human embodiment of crude, loud, offensive and annoying. NJ law defines harrassment as including any communication made "anonymously or at extremely inconvenient hours, or in offensively coarse language, or any other manner likely to cause annoyance or alarm." Condescending lawyer condescendingly says "you are freaking because your non-lawyer brain does not understand the import of what you are reading."

    1. James Michael Curley

      Chris Crisco landed in Israel this morning. I don't know his itinerary but he's not going to make it into several of the most holy of sites. They have openings that are smaller than his head.

      1. prommie

        His presence validates the Holy Land, though; now Israel is relevant. Not many things are as large as his head. Soon, the superdome will be unable to contain his head.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I was going to post something similar (it is plainly an effort to update prank call laws to cover e-mails/texts). I'm guessing that the committee that did this never thought of Wonkette, or really any sort of general posted comment site. However, I will say there's a chance in there a patently disingenuous law enforcement agent (say, one with a pink panty fetish) could try to use it to arrest anyone who posts comments to his "citizen's posse" website that point out his resemblance to fossilized fecal matter.

      I think any judge worth a damn would toss such a prosecution and/or declare the statute unconstitutionally overbroad as applied in such cases, but I wish the legislators had been a little more circumspect in their language.

      1. sullivanst

        It does seem like a breeding ground for that old con-law favorite, the "as-applied challenge", doesn't it?

    3. Steverino247

      Yeah, I recognized the language, but I just thought I would take the opportunity to threaten the State of Arizona with skullfucking.

  29. Dudleydidwrong

    Dipshit Jan has spent too much time breathing Arizona desert dust and has a chronic case of hantavirus. It doesn't kill at this level of infection, but it just makes you look and act stoopid. And she does, and is. Hey, Jan: bite this!

  30. hagajim

    This might be what happens when you elect a bunch of fucking idiots to run your state….dumbasses, each and every one of them. Maybe they ought to pick up a fucking book – or the Constitution – once in a while.

  31. tessiee

    Of all the things I did that I wasn't supposed to do, and all the things I didn't do that I *was* supposed to do, I'm glad I started hitting the sunblock at a relatively early age.

    That, and flossing.

  32. kissawookiee

    As a resident of Arizona, I would like to point out that my Wonkette comments are only ever intended to amuse, pique, or, from time to time, ruffle. Never to offend or–saints preserve us–annoy.

  33. WiscDad

    I hope whole state signs on to her twitter account just to say 'fuck you'. Prosecute that muthafukka.

  34. mavenmaven

    It is also illegal under this law to use a rap song title as an ID, under pain of death.

  35. Guppy

    That was the Arizona legislature battering down your door,

    Pfft, I live in Florida. I'll just "stand my ground."

  36. Jerri

    What if my intent is to amuse and delight Arizona by using obscene, lewd or profane language or suggesting any lewd or lascivious act? What then!?

  37. Guppy

    In Arizona, terrifying, intimidating, threatening, harassing, annoying and offensive language is relegated to bumper stickers.

  38. jzgplj

    One wonders how this old bag o' bones Brewer is still breathing. Fuck Arizona for being stupid enough to elect these pukeheads.

  39. sullivanst

    The intent here is probably fairly admirable: to stop txt-bullying.

    The implementation is ridiculously awful. The sun's baked their brains.

  40. DahBoner

    They don't take kindly to Camel Fucking in Arizona, anymores???

    BUT WHERE WILL TEH FUTURE OF THE ARIZONA REPUBLICAN PARTY COME FROM THEN…

  41. StarsUponThars

    Take us to school, Professor Carlin:

    "I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I uh, I think is important. I love..as I say, they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have really.

    We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. You know, [humming]. And, then we assign a word to a thought, [clicks tongue]. And we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. I like to think, yeah, the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.

    There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions.

    And words, you know the seven don't you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.

    Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, wow. Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits, come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat just one. That's true I usually switch off . But I mean that word does not belong on the list.

    Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list…like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are…those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that."

    1. Steverino247

      I have in my possession, a copy of his "working list" of rude terms. I think my favorite was a reference to the penis as the "Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love."

  42. redarmyzombie

    Hmm…Let's see…shame, shame…
    Nope, I dare say I'm actually feeling proud this very morning! Proud indeed.

    Oh, and, ah, to the Arizona legilature, I say: twat, dick, ass, shit, motherfucker. There, that should meet my quota for the day.

  43. CommieLibunatic

    Fuck you, Brewer. I have your precious First Amendment on my side. In fact, I'm going to write an essay on what I think about this.*

    *Spoiler: it'll just be "FUCK" typed out 8,000 times.

  44. HelmutNewton

    As from the obvious legal and constitutional problems, how the Hell would they ever enforce something like this? Every rabid teabagger in the entire state would be breaking the law multiple times a day, every day!

    Thanks again, party of "smaller government" (Ha!).

  45. lulzmonger

    Nope. Wasn't me.

    I wouldn't even skullGENTLYCARESS that thing with Hitler's schlong, let alone my own poor ol' Lulzmongrel.

  46. barto

    Adios, Redstate!

    Anyway I don't think I could get it up to skullfuck a woman with the face of a freeze-dried rhesus monkey.

  47. GortRay

    Stan, the Wonkette commenter, thrust his throbbing electronic device into Gov. Brewer's gaping grand canyon.

  48. WonkCynic

    The crusty old wench introduced it, but John McCain will sign it, and King Obarmer will call him on the phone to thank him for another job well done. Hail to the rising prison called Amerika!

    As for Jan Brewer; you have to admit, there's a certain sexiness about her. I'd personally like to "take one for the team" by volunteering to go down on her crusty old twat in the interest of answering the following question: Does crusty old ancient twat taste and smell like taco, fish, or fishy taco? Mmmmm, yummy. I likes it when old tarts wrap their wrinkled old legs around my head while I munch the crust out of their tangy old muffs. But I'm not normal.

  49. Schmegeg

    Ma'am, you look like one of the four legged characters on Luck. Or maybe your father was one. Now, I will call a lawyer.

  50. FieryLocks

    Hey Jan, go fuck yourself while getting a reach around from Sheriff Fat Fuck Arpaio.
    Fuck Shit Cock Asshole Damn Cunt Dick Bitch…
    Come and get me Arizona

  51. baldheadeddork

    100% True Story:

    In the early 90's the Arizona Lege was pushing through a bill to outlaw hardcore rap records. The Phoenix New Times (before they turned into the Evil Alt Weekly Empire) had one of its reporters call then-Rep Jan Brewer and tricked Brewer into reading NWA and Ice-T lyrics aloud, which they recorded.

    The next day the New Times set up a mobile DJ truck across from the capitol at lunchtime and began spinning the Jan Brewer remix of Me So Horny, Dick Almighty and other love songs at the statehouse. The stunt had the desired effect. It made the legislature look ridiculous at a time when the state's economy was imploding (remember the S&L real estate goatscrew?) and killed the legislation. I thought it put a permanent hitch in Brewer's political aspirations, too. I still can't believe they elected that numbskull governor.

    And if anyone at NT has a bootleg of that tape, I'll pay $100 for a copy.

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