Helpful Mormons Hitched Up Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings For All Eternity

  big love

Slave Rape: A Love StoryWell, that’s nice, you guys. Having already magically made Mormons out of Anne Frank, Elvis, Pope John Paul II, and Hitler (him they can have!), the Church of Latter Day Saints has now turned its attention to marrying people who might not even want to get married! Like, remember when Bristol and Levi were going to have to get married at, like, 12, so Sarah Palin could be Vice President? Those crazy kids dodged that bullet, huh? But now they will probably be married in the afterlife, because Mormons just cannot keep their nose out of everybody else’s celestial planets. So which important people have the Mormons married now? Oh, just Thomas Jefferson and his slave, Sally Hemings, that’s all.

But of all the already-married people to get married by proxy by a roomful of Mormons, Thomas Jefferson might have been the most appropriate. Sally Hemings, Jefferson’s mistress/slave, was actually already actual sister to his actual wife, Martha. Sister-wives on the real! Also, slave rape, so hot right now. (The Mormons did wait until 1991 to baptize Hemmings — probably because black people weren’t allowed to be Mormon until 1978.)

What is surprising is that the LDS Church, according to its Family Search registry, considers Hemings to be Thomas Jefferson’s wife. (One of two—the other of course being Jefferson’s legal wife, Martha, who happens to be Sally Hemings’s half-sister; she and Hemings were both the daughters of Virginia plantation owner John Wayles.)

Yikes, you guys, move to The Compound already. Oh right you can’t you have been dead for like 200 years. Whether Hemings would want to be married to the dude who owned her and their children is unknowable and probably beside the point. Maybe he was a really nice slave owner! Yes, we think we’ll go with that.

[Slate]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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512 comments

  1. Barb

    A Mormon wedding? I bet that reception sucked.
    A Palin wedding? Imagine the camouflage dress code and the vast array of homemade furs worn by the ladies.

      1. Barb

        Sarah is a lifelong member of the NRA. It explains why she is so fond of shotgun weddings.

    1. donner_froh

      I have been to a few biker/white trash weddings–the most recent ended up with the bride's mother and her mother–bride's grandmother who was in her very spry early 60s– attacking the girlfriend of the bride's father (also the mother of the bride's first husband). It was a lot of fun until the glassware started flying.

      1. LionHeartSoyDog

        I must be getting old… cannot easily diagram that genealogy in my head.
        Interesting, though.

      2. donner_froh

        OOPS–I really screwed that one up. It is a bit less complicated than I made it but no reason to make it worse by trying to explain it further. It was more fun to recall than to live through at the time but no one I know got hurt which means it was a lovely wedding.

      3. Loaded_Pants

        My white trash wedding story involves:
        1) Color scheme: Burgundy.
        2) Me & the bf (it was his cousin's wedding) being the only guys in tuxes. The others wore jeans & short-sleeved button-down shirts w/clip-on ties (even the groom).
        3) Flower print bridesmaids' dresses.
        4) Groom showed up drunk for the ceremony.
        5) Garth Brooks being played on a boombox.
        6) Two gay guys getting shit faced at the reception (that would have been me & my bf).

        At least the bride had a proper gown & no fights involving firearms broke out.
        The marriage lasted only two months because hubby came home & found wifey in bed with two guys. At least she wasn't related to either of them.

        I did not make any of this up.

        1. P_R_Angster

          I believe it. That's all too good not to be true.

          Did anyone Hurl on the dance floor? All self-respecting White Trash Weddings have to feature something like that. It's contractual.

          1. Loaded_Pants

            No one barfed, as a I recall.
            But it was fun listening to bf's mom saying whispered quips about the groom's family after she had a couple of drinks (& she was normally a teetotaler).

          2. P_R_Angster

            That's fun. A lot of people use Weddings as an excuse to engage in aberrant behavior, but sometimes it just happens. Both can be fun to watch.

            Oh, and I guarantee that somebody barfed at some point. It just wasn't in front of an audience.

          3. Loaded_Pants

            That's probably true.
            It was just cheap wine at the reception because, well, it was a hillbilly wedding. There were a few people who went out to their vehicles in the parking lot to sip some harder stuff (me and the bf included).

        2. tessiee

          This isn't exactly white trash, if for no other reason than the fact that everybody involved was extremely tan; but when Cousin Jerzette married Vinny, she had twelve bridesmaids in fuschia dresses, and her recessional was the theme from "The Godfather".

    2. flamingpdog

      The Mormon wedding reception I attended was actually quite nice. But I missed out on the wedding (my daughter's) because, like, no gentiles in the Temple.

      1. Designer_Rants

        Really?? Ouch. I would've caused a scene and busted in, unless my daughter would have been mortified, which she will be by her dad someday soon over everything… So, well played, pdog?

        1. P_R_Angster

          Urgh! All this just makes me think that mandatory Breeding Licensees would be a good idea.

        1. P_R_Angster

          I did hear that but all I really know is that the Fed team fucked up the charges and a lot of them got thrown out. Stupid, just like the way they fucked up the Ted Stevens prosecution by rushing things, I guess.
          These crazy fuckers will be back in the Pokey eventually. I just hope they don't kill anyone to get there.

          1. Negropolis

            Fortunately, the leader and his son aren't allowed to own firearms, anymore, because of the weapons charges, but they were still going on about their crazy gubmint conspiracy bullshit after they were released, and the bungling of the trial will only feed that. The part of Michigan they are from is fertile ground for more shit like this to happen.

            Trust me; if these guys would have been from Dearborn, Michigan and not (Redneck), Michigan, they'd have already been convicted.

    3. subsum

      A Palin wedding must be a nice shindig to behold: lots of Boone's Farm Blackberry Merlot, Seagram's Wine Coolers, PBR, Schlitz and Milwaukee's Best all to wash down Di Giorno frozen pizza next the microwave for self-service and Chef Boyardee and Hamburger Helper from the buffet. Stay classy, Wasilla.

    4. PuckStopsHere

      You're the best, Barb. You made me laugh here at halftime of the big Panthers-Red Wings game.

        1. PuckStopsHere

          I did enjoy that little tiff, Barb. Watched as I was taking my pre-game meal. I was hoping Laviolette and Bylsma would have a go. As an aside, I have personally played golf with both of those guys. You would think with that on my resume I'd be doing better in life than I am, but whatev.

    5. redarmyzombie

      I have experience with Mormon wedding receptions. They do suck. Imagine standing in a room with nothing to eat but M&M's and those red cinnamon candies and nothing to do for an unspecified period of hours. That was exactly what it went like.

      1. P_R_Angster

        That's where the Psilocybin comes in handy.

        "Oh, it's just some herbal Mushroom tea. Yes, it is a pretty purple."
        "Would you like some?"

          1. P_R_Angster

            "Don't speak to her, and don't give up your sandwich whatever your do. Come over here and look at this pretty wallpaper. See, it's moving by itself!"

          2. flamingpdog

            Awwww, now I haz the sadz. I've always been a hard rocker type, but Karen Carpenter was (and is) my secret guilty pleasure. Anorexia sucks.

    6. Terry

      A Palin wedding reception would feature several fist fights within the bridal party alone and lot sand lots of random screwing out between the cars in the parking lot.

    7. HippieEsq

      I think we can all agree that Mormon beliefs and practices are so uninspiring to us heathens that the first and last Mormon party we'll ever attend is the posthumous mormom baptism that will whisk us away from sinner hell (where at least I'll be having a three-way with Natalie Portman and Gwyneth Paltrow) and directly into Mormon space heaven (where I'll be forced to share my turkey and cheese on white bread sandwhich with Glenn Beck).

  2. Mumble_JustSayYesOta

    Now, I'm straight and all — but if Sally Hemmings as appropriated in complexion and svelteness by Thandie Newton were to retroactively-baptize *me* in turn, I don't think I would protest.

  3. Callyson

    Many non-Mormons think this practice odd, creepy, and perhaps even horribly disrespectful. But…It is a ritual that fulfills Mormons’ desire to unite the whole of humanity into one eternal family. (Many people, of course, find this explanation unsatisfying; a Jewish friend recently quipped to me, “Mormons can baptize dead Jews when Jews can circumcise live Mormons.”)

    Aaaand that will be all from me on this topic…

          1. Veritas78

            Mohels often have foreskins made into wallets. When they're packing for a trip, they rub one and it turns into a valise!

    1. smitallica

      I did not know about this ritual's use as a representation of Mormons' desire for one eternal family. Now I do. Thank you for that.

      And I still find this practice odd, creepy, and horribly disrespectful.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        One eternal family … as long as that family is Mormon. I already had to disengage myself from a woman-hating Roman fashion queen. Isn't that enough?

          1. Designer_Rants

            I know people get touchy about religion, but I was ranting like you about Catholicism (on Facebook), something like: "Vatican City Virgins interpreting some book a certain way, ('And lo, "Jesus told the people that estrogen pills were for prostitutes," and Jesus hates them sluts.')…" and someone got really offended. I guess that's why I come here to Wonkette. Less of that kind of outrage.

    2. finallyhappy

      and my considered response is Fuck them. Of course, in the end, it is meaningless ritual- like the priest who said the rosary over me while I was marching to keep abortion legal. Jews have been around a long time- and used to all sorts of shit being done to us- way worse than some fake Mormon crap.

    3. sharethegrief

      Mormons only want to unite the whole of humanity after we're all dead. In real life, they have an invisible, repellant wall around them. They'll attempt a weak smile for you and they'll gladly take your money but all non-Mormons are considered the other.

    4. Naked_Bunny

      Many people, of course, find this explanation unsatisfying

      Especially given how the Mormons treat the living.

    5. Dashboard Buddha

      The sentiment is nice…but one wonders; are there enough planets to go around?

    6. glamourdammerung

      Many non-Mormons think this practice odd, creepy, and perhaps even horribly disrespectful. But…It is a ritual that fulfills Mormons’ desire to unite the whole of humanity into one eternal family.

      I am fully aware that they desire to unite the whole of humanity under their control. I am not sure why that somehow deserves anything beyond contempt.

      1. Negropolis

        I am fully aware that they desire to unite the whole of humanity under their control.

        Really, that's the end of that talking point. This isn't something done simply out of the goodness of their hearts. It's a shameless and cynical spiritual power-play, and should be seen as such. It's disrespectful because of how it so blatantly insults our intelligence.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Meh … I really don't care if they want to mutter my great-grandmother's name in the middle of a whole mess of foolish mutterings. I think it's just stupid, and it makes Mormons look stupid.
          End of discussion, as far as I'm concerned.

          1. Negropolis

            As with anything, it's the thought and motivation behind a practice. The action itself doesn't have to be physically destructive for it to be offensive. Let's just say that they'd do well and good to keep my family's names out of their mouths, which shouldn't be much of a problem since they really enjoy doing this mostly to famous people.

    7. JustPixelz

      "The whole of humanity into one eternal family…"

      If this big Mormon family is anything like my big family, they just made Jefferson and Hemming fight over the time his dog ruined her mother's new carpet … for eternity.

      Until 1978, were the blah people united in a separate but equal eternal family?

      Don't miss season 3 of "When Tommy Met Sally" … premiers next week on TLC. Sally doesn't like Tommy's new carriage. Will he sell the carriage? Or her?

    8. Swampgas_Man

      As usual, the joke's on the Jews — every Mormon man I've slept w/ already IS circumsized.

    9. redarmyzombie

      You know who *else* wanted to unite the whole of humanity into one eternal family?

    10. FROTHY

      I don't want to be part of their fucking family, I have MY OWN fucking family to deal with. It's disgusting, creepy, disrespectful, and rotten (as are most of my relatives, since they're mostly dead). Us Brown folks who might have had our language, history, and culture already stolen from us, not to mention our lucre, might want to hang on to SOMEthing that some white folks somewhere DIDN'T try to steal.

      1. redarmyzombie

        My brother-in-law was brought up Mormon; he and his siblings left though, when they were, y'know, free to worship how they chose.

        BTW, you wanna learn the secret Mormon handshake?

          1. redarmyzombie

            Okay, remember this the next time they come up to your door to proselytize at you.

            It starts out as a normal handshake. You reach out, grasp their hand, and firmly shake it like any other, EXCEPT (and this is very important!) you also reach out with index and middle fingers, and press into their wrist with the tips. (something to do with that Crucifixion whatchamahoozit, I'm sure)

            Trust me, if you do that and you're not on their secret Mormon role-call, it freaks them the FUCK out!

    11. DocChaos

      Multiple wives vs. having my hoodie trimmed? Uh, yeah, I guess we can figure out which religion is growing faster.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    This just proves Mitt's fitness for office, since his religion is the most modern — not because they approve of interracial premarital sex, but because they apparently have a slash fiction section.

    1. oldswede

      Some xians get very upset when I try to explain that transubstantiation is ritual cannibalism. "This is my body, take and eat . . ." isn't clear enough for them.

  5. OkieDokieDog

    Wouldn't it be more better for humanity if the Mormons were using their Super Powers to help out the living?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You got to stick with what works. No dead person has EVER complained about the fabulous service and magnificent results produced by a Mormon zombie baptism. We're talking millions of satisfied customers here!

    2. HippieEsq

      Mormon world domination plots are so much tackier than jew/chrisitian/muslim analogues.

  6. Rotundo_

    Maybe someone should form a religion where all sorts of fun things get done to Mormons in the afterlife. Not only could one baptize them, but same sex marry them off (with a profusely and profanely illustrated guide) and appoint them as saints that worship deities composed of Santorum, Glitter and Coffee grounds. One wouldn't need to bother with all the kabuki involving fake gold plates and double transcriptions of the "sacred texts" and all that. One could consult Star Trek for the afterlife portion of it as well guaranteeing "Green BItches" or "Green Bastards" by the thousands for each of their special planets they receive. In honor of the Archangel Moroni one could call the religion Moronism.

    1. Rotundo_

      P.S. Wouldn't it be fun to hitch Brigham Young to the entire hierarchy of the current LDS Church? What fun hijinks one could have in the afterlife…

        1. P_R_Angster

          I'll bet. Beverly Crusher was wrapped way too tight. I think Picard was secretly frightened of her because, you know, Crusher.

          1. P_R_Angster

            That is a huge plus! Nerdy Sons just end up getting into trouble every week and sometimes you have to send out an Aweigh Team to drag their asses home. A definite turn-off.

          2. Doktor StrangeZoom

            Yeah, but eventually they may become kick-ass bloggers and redeem themselves.

          3. P_R_Angster

            Yes, Will is doing real well and it's good to see.

            Knowledge is Good, too and Lifelong Learning is Patriotic. Barry says so!

            Thanks very much for the "weirdo" complement. It's nice to be appreciated.

          4. Jukesgrrl

            Last time I saw Wil was on the series Leverage.He was good in it but I wouldn't have known it was him had I not seen his name on the credits.Once I knew, though, the voice sounded the same.

          5. P_R_Angster

            He was on "Leverage"? I missed that one but that's really cool.
            It must have been nice not having to drive.
            A starship.

        2. ThundercatHo

          You can make him all the Earl Grey tea (hot) he likes but Jean Luc and I will go riding together and afterwards I will massage his thighs.

    2. P_R_Angster

      Let's turn all the Mormon Temples on all the Mormon Worlds
      into Abortionplex Malls. What fun! Hell, I might even join up then.

  7. CapnFatback

    Leave it to the Mormons to destroy the quintessential "doin' it to sisters" Penthouse fantasy. The lesson here is that no matter how important the man, no matter how long dead, eventually you will be forced to do the "right thing" and marry them both.

    What's next, marrying famous dead women to their former pizza-delivery boys?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I take that as an argument for nailing as many women as you possibly can, in this life.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        C'mon. I'm not saying no man-on-gerbil sex ever existed, it just wasn't Richard Gere. He played a gay man persecuted by the Nazis in the original Broadway production of Bent (a role created by Ian McKellan in London's West End) and has paid for that choice ever since with a certain segment of our society. Gere generously supports gay marriage rights because his brother is a gay man raising two children with his legal husband.

          1. doloras

            But all I'm saying is that Richard Gere should release the evidence that he didn't stuff a gerbil up his ass. In 1990.

    1. P_R_Angster

      You can't do that – it would be Same Sex Marriage and that would be Crazy!
      Wait, what?

    1. Biff

      Math is hard–much harder than that.
      Sally was 3/4 Euro-trash, and 1/4 African, so we're gonna have to call in a real mathemetician for this equation.

      1. swordfis

        I suck at this, but: 3/5 of a human X 1/4 African = .60 x .25 = 15% human 60% human [Eurotrash side] = 75% human. So Sally Hemings was 3/4 human. Does she get more human points for being Mormon-baptized? Or is she retroactively human by Constitutional Law? And can we determine who is 3/5th human by how fat, stupid, and all-around dickish they are? (no offense meant to the horizontally challenged – you know who I'm talking about. Amirite Rush?)

      2. Geminisunmars

        (1/4 African X 3/5 human – 3/4 Euro-trash)squared
        /
        7/8 Declaration of Independence – One Presidency
        =
        300 million Anti-Moroni voters

      3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        If all if the ancestory is averaged together equally we would have (3 x 1 person) + ( 1 x 0.6 people) / 4 = 9/10 ths of a people.

          1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I should be careful. I may have just developed new elementary school curriculum for Mississippi et al.

    2. flamingpdog

      Sorry, but in real life, being 1/16 African made you subhuman in the Old South. I think the 3/5 business was just a Constitutional compromise between 1/16 and 1. Remember, these sainted fellows writing and signing the Constitution? 100 percent politicians.

      1. RadioFukui

        My wife she makes meals fit for a King…..here King, here King.

        Henny Youngman — also, too, post-humorously Morman.

    3. RadioFukui

      D_R, you've got my white male land-owning (no slaves) vote for Comment of the Weekend.

  8. upthruster

    "Because Mormons not only believe in baptizing non-Mormons who have died—they also believe in “sealing” families so they can spend eternity together."

    Oh no boys and girls! You are NOT forcing me to spend eternity with my family!

    1. flamingpdog

      I'm gonna have to have a talk with my daughter and son-n-law – I sure don't want to spend eternity with his family.

      But then, neither do they.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        There's a special section in Hell where every day is Thanksgiving day, for eternity. Works splendidly for our purposes, but I've no idea why the Mor(m)ons think it's a good thing.

    2. FROTHY

      I can't imagine a worse fate than having to spend eternity with MY fucking family, from whom I fled the day I came of age.

  9. GunToting[Redacted]

    Considering this has as much application as most fan/slash-fic (Captain Mal in a hawt inter-dimensional relationship with Han Solo), I'm having a hard time feeling anything more than mild bemusement at these idiots.

    1. P_R_Angster

      Now that you mention it, I always thought that Yoda and Cousin It would really hit it off.

    1. Biff

      According to what used to be mormon doctrine, she should not only be free, but also "white and delightsome".

          1. Advn2rgirl

            Oh Good God! Are they really still doing the Mark of Cain = colored thing? Negra et formosa sum, dammit.

          2. Fare la Volpe

            Worse. According to official Mormon doctrine, white people are angels who were on the side of good during Lucifer's uprising. Demons are angels who stood with Lucifer. Black people are angels who were too cowardly to pick either side, so God punished them with dark skin.

            Also, American Indians were originally Israelites, but because they killed all their brothers, God cursed them with (you guessed it) dark skin.

            See a trend?

          3. snoopyfan2010

            And to think that dark skin also acts as a protective shield against the sun. I see how that is considered punishment. Ugh.

        1. Biff

          He did get a head start, didn't he? I guess when you start out as a Jehovah's Witness, it's a longer climb.

          1. Negropolis

            You'd think it'd be a shorter climb, actually, because JWs are nearly as strange as Mormons. I'm convinced that that is a big contributor to the strangeness of most of the Jacksons.

    2. FROTHY

      Is she female? Then, yes. I understand the wimmonz get to be permapreggers in the MorMoney heaven. While *some* women undoubtedly enjoy pregnancy, I've heard a LOT of women complain (sometimes for the whole damn term) about what a shitty time they were having. So, not a woman's idea of heaven, I'd reckon.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        But Frothy, it's every woman's duty in life to be pregnant as often as her husband wishes.

        What? You thought women had free will? Silly faggit, freedom is for men.

  10. FraAnima

    Wow. Sally was a babe.

    …and you know she wanted it. I mean, look how she's dressed. Slut.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Are those folks getting posthumous baptisms? Because I can imagine some of the [alcohol free] cocktail parties in heaven having many awkward moments, if so.

    1. redarmyzombie

      Thank you! And I'd just like to add, that Kenneth Campbell, Catherine Clark, Jessica Thomas, and Larry Green are all Gay Married now!

  11. ProgressiveInga

    Does this mean that upon her demise, Shawna will be married to her zucchini? I think she REALLY WANTS IT! ➜ ➜ ➜

  12. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Boom! I just posthumously divorced joe smith from all his sister wives. Suck on that, mor(m)ons.

  13. Chichikovovich

    This raises some profound theological questions, to be sure. Do posthumous marriages follow the rules currently in place, or the ones in place during the life of the prospective spouses? 'Cause the church just "recommends against" interracial marriage, whereas before the big watershed of 1978. But back when Sally and Thomas were making whoopie it was streng verboten.

    Useful reading on the subject, from the prophets:

    “Had I anything to do with the negro, I would confine them by strict law to their own species…”
    (Joseph Smith, Jr., January 2nd, 1845, History of the Church, volume 5, pages 21-218)

    “Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so. The nations of the earth have transgressed every law that God has given, they have changed the ordinances and broken every covenant made with the fathers, and they are like a hungry man that dreameth that he eateth, and he awaketh and behold he is empty.”
    (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, volume 10, page 110)

    “Your ideas, as we understand them, appear to contemplate the intermarriage of the Negro and white races, a concept which has heretofore been most repugnant to most normal-minded people from the ancient patriarchs until now…. there is a growing tendency, particularly among some educators, as it manifests itself in this area, toward the breaking down of race barriers in the matter of intermarriage between whites and blacks, but it does not have the sanction of the Church and is contrary to Church doctrine.”
    (LDS First Presidency (George Albert Smith), letter to Virgil H. Sponberg (critic of the anti-black ban), May 5th, 1947, quoted in Lester E. Bush, Mormonism’s Negro Doctrine: An Historical Overview, page 42)

    “We must not inter-marry with the Negro. Why? If I were to marry a Negro woman and have children by her, my children would oil be cursed as to the priesthood. Do I want my children cursed as to the priesthood? If there is one drop of Negro blood in my children, as I have read to you, they receive the curse. There isn’t any argument, therefore, as to inter-marriage with the Negro, is there?”
    (Apostle Mark E. Peterson, “Race Problems – As They Effect the Church,” Address given at the Convention of Teachers of Religion on the College Level, delivered at BYU, August 27th, 1954)

    “However, in a broad general sense, caste systems have their root and origin in the gospel itself, and when they operate according to the divine decree, the resultant restrictions and segregation are right and proper and have the approval of the Lord. To illustrate: Cain, Ham, and the whole negro race have been cursed with a black skin, the mark of Cain, so they can be identified as a caste apart, a people with whom the other descendants of Adam should not intermarry.”
    (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, page 114)

    “Brigham Young made a very strong statement on this matter when he said, ‘… shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so.’ God has commanded Israel not to intermarry. To go against this commandment of God would be to sin. Those who willfully sin with their eyes open to this wrong will not be surprised to find that they will be separated from the presence of God in the world to come. This is spiritual death…. It does not matter if they are one-sixth Negro or one-one hundred and sixth, the curse of no Priesthood is still the same…. To intermarry with a Negro is to forfeit a ‘Nation of Priesthood holders.’”
    (Elder John L. Lund, The Church and the Negro, pages 54-55, 1967)

    [Cut and pasted from http://mormonismexposed.blogspot.com/2008/01/morm... ]

    Edit: Oh, and of course I would be remiss if I forgot to point out that the last quote, from 1967, was pronounced during the second year of Romney's mission to convert the French.

    1. Biff

      To be fair, both Thomas and Sally lived out their lives before the birth invention of the Mormon church.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Ben oui, but according to Brigham Young's remarks above, the rules were in force from the days of Cain. God only decided to give a few extra hints about them in the 1840s+

      1. finallyhappy

        but how about disorganized ones? LIke Pastafarian Judaism- we believe in chicken noodle soup and kugel

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          The flying spaghetti monster promises strippers and beer volcanoes in the afterlife. May you be touched by his noodly appendage and mention me when you do. For every convert I get a $25 gift card to applebees.

          rAMEN

    2. tcaalaw

      It does not matter if they are one-sixth Negro or one-one hundred and sixth

      Elder John L. Lund was apparently mathematically illiterate as well as a bigot….

      1. Chichikovovich

        Matt. 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

          1. P_R_Angster

            Except for the fact that "God does not play Dice with the Universe."

            That's just too hard.

          2. P_R_Angster

            Of course he's Blah. His son was Blah. Explain that one.

            Nervous? Nah, I'm good. I am wearing a Hoodie, though. Are you nervous, now?

            EDIT: Not the NRA Hoodie with the concealed-carry pouch. 'cos that would make everyone nervous.

          3. Chichikovovich

            Probably, but he did create a Rick Santorum who says things so cement-headedly stupid that even He can't believe his ears.

          4. Millennial Malaise

            Indeed, the existence of Rick Santorum – and his attendant wealth and power – is proof enough for me that God's on permanent vacation.

          5. P_R_Angster

            Only if it's on CSPAN. FOX will be showing 24-7 coverage of the Mega Millions Jackpot.

          6. Dashboard Buddha

            Honestly, no. He made a rock to big for him to pick up and it dropped on the microwave.

      1. Chichikovovich

        In the words of The Prophet Bender:[after being kicked out of a theme park]Yeah, well… I'm gonna go build my own theme park, ….with blackjack… and hookers!—

        1. P_R_Angster

          Let us all sit quietly, clear our minds and chant Our Mantra:

          "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!" "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!" "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!"

          1. Loaded_Pants

            I think that's also Romney's mantra that he keeps repeating in his head wherever he speaks publicly.

          2. P_R_Angster

            That's just his OS getting into a logic loop. He's due for a Flash upgrade on Tuesday.

    1. SorosBot

      But that's not what he said! He distinctly said 'to blathe' and as we all know 'to blathe' means to bluff! Ah, and you were probably playing cards, and he cheated!

    2. FROTHY

      TEENAGE slave rape, at that. Geez. Add the overtones of incest, as in, half-sisters who, apparently, looked VERY MUCH alike, extra creepiness factor. Ew.

  14. P_R_Angster

    Is the Mormon Church going to posthumously marry Strom Thurmond and Carrie Butler now too?

  15. smashedinhat

    There is something profoundly unnatural about the mormon practice of marrying dead people regardless of their rationale. And a Palin wedding pretty much speaks for itself.

  16. wood50

    Help me out on this, guys.
    Is cotton the appropriate gift for Tommy and Sally's next anniversary?

  17. Arken

    What happens if Mormons posthumously baptize someone who turns out to be alive after all?

    1. RadioFukui

      Sorry LP, I used Sid and Nancy in a subthread above. My bad…Great minds….Read the comments before you comment…

  18. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Yes, I now better understand the appeal of re-electing the Muslim. Mormons are fucking batshit crazy weird.

  19. BlueStateLibel

    Ha ha, Editrix, you think I don't know an April Fool's Joke when I see one? We are supposed to believe Mormons would actually do something as pointless and offensive as marrying dead people to each other? Good one though.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I wonder if that would automatically baptize all the people he baptized too. It would be a real time-saver.

    1. RadioFukui

      ♪ ♫ It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well,
      You could truly see the Monsieur loved the Mademoiselle. ♪ ♫

  20. Limeylizzie

    I cannot wait until President Mittens start issuing mandates to baptize all the dead Chicago voters.

    1. flamingpdog

      And all the Dead Presidents. Especially all the ones he has hidden away in the Caymen Islands.

      1. fuflans

        me personally, i don't want the dead presidents to vote. i want them to collectively smack the baggers and kick 5-4 in the ass.

        especially any of the dead presidents that wore wigs and breeches and shit.

  21. FakaktaSouth

    What if Sally had started dating someone on the (other) side? Do you just get snatched up into another Mormon plane after the ceremony? What if Jefferson's first wife doesn't wanna hang out with the chick Tommy was raping/knocking up on Earth? This heaven sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.

    1. P_R_Angster

      No, it's Theology, which is Complicated. That's why we have priests to explain it all to us.

      "Mormon planes." Do they use DC-8's like Xenu, too?

        1. P_R_Angster

          One of those nice Navy planes with the foldy wings. It has to get down the elevator, after all.

  22. BarackMyWorld

    More proof Mormons lead boring lives: posthumous ceremonies are what they do for fun.

    Imagine if Mitt wasn't a Mormon…he'd burn through that $250 million so fucking fast…

  23. P_R_Angster

    Humans have Navels. Does Mormon God have a Navel?

    Why does Mormon God have a Navel?

      1. P_R_Angster

        Contemplate, but Don't Touch. Bill Cosby warned us about that:

        Bill Cosby's "Kindergarten"

        "I was playing with my navel ([deep voice] oh, navel, navel). My mother said, 'Alright, keep playing with your navel, pretty soon you're gonna break it wide open the air's gonna come right out of your body and you'll fly around the room backwards for 30 seconds, land and you'll be flat as a piece of paper with just your little eyes buggin out.' I used to carry band-aids around with me in case I had an accident."

          1. flamingpdog

            Dude(tte), does this mean we're gettin' a late Sunday night blog post, or are ya just slummin'?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Yeah … I wonder how the Mor(m)ons sort things out, when it comes time for the zombie wedding of gals like Liz Taylor.

      2. ttommyunger

        …to say nothing of the numerous fucker-in-laws. Fortunately I am neither impatient or jealous; that thing will stretch a mile before it tears an inch, and pussy takes no time at all and you're all caught up again.

  24. An_Outhouse

    If I was a Mormon, and because they can have multiple spouses, I would marry everybody to everybody. All problems in history solved.

    1. Biff

      Hold on there, Outhouse–this is a patriarchy, here. Menfolk are allowed as many wives as they want, but woe-men only get ONE ol' man, no matter how good they are in the sack.

    1. P_R_Angster

      I always thought he was the Coolest of the Cool. Imagine what he would with an entire Mormon Planet!

      1. Limeylizzie

        I have loved him since I saw a photo of him in Time-Life , in my school library, when I was 13. I know he died before I was born, but I think he is my dream man and life's companion.

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Capa? I dunno, I always thought "it's a Wonderful Life" was mawkish and sentimental….

      (Edit: Yes, I DO pretend to think that Claude Levi-Strauss made blue jeans, too)

    3. Jukesgrrl

      Once when I was in Madrid, I happened upon a huge museum exhibit all about Capa. I knew about him already, but seeing the original prints and memorabilia in Madrid made it extra special. Sorry to tell you, I Mormon-married him that day, so if you're going to horn in, you'll have me as a sister-wife. I think we can make it work, but you'll have to behave because I'm bigger than you.

    4. James Michael Curley

      Capra's photos galvanized me as a kid in the early 60's. When a well off relative was willing to buy me a camera (because he thought I had talent) he asked the photo shop owner what was the best and the Hasselblad C had just come out. I rejected it and chose an out of date Contax because that was what Capra used.

      But as for the legacy of World War II and D-Day especially; Russ Meyer shot most of the film footage which survives. He was an Army fotog who landed with an Army unit on Omaha. He was particularly skeptical that if he piled his cans into the landing barge that was returning with the film from the unit, he would not get credit for his work. He didn't and the barge went down leaving his film as almost the only surviving film (some couple hundred feet from a GI surfaced a few years ago.) Meyer went all the way to Germany with the 2nd Armored Div and is credited as shooting the iconic film of Patton standing up in the jeep and shouting "I'm going straight to Berlin and personally shoot that paperhanger."

      Russ didn't have the pretty face and lived to 2004/5 and his war exploits get overshadowed by his half century of 'Nuddies', yep, that Russ Meyer.

        1. P_R_Angster

          "Fuehrer, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" was a commercial failure, but I liked it.
          I think it was Ilsa's Tits.

          1. Limeylizzie

            MrLimeylizzie was the Production Designer on 'Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS' he still speaks of that woman's breasts with awe, not her acting so much.

          2. P_R_Angster

            That's fun. I only saw it once, and then only parts of it and it was clear that she wasn't hired for her acting expertise. She does make a pretty good cultural icon, though.

          3. Limeylizzie

            We have the original poster, well actually the French one, in our living-room which can be a bit disturbing to some!

    5. Designer_Rants

      Awesome story. I'd never heard of him, but the recounting of shooting at the beach, and then a darkroom tech screwing up his film is incredible. “es una cosa muy seria”

  25. BarackMyWorld

    OT: Ok, seriously folks… TELLING EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK YOU'RE PREGNANT ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY ISN'T FUNNY WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT, TOO.

  26. Maman

    My dear Wonkette, you aren't dissing a founding father, are you? Because that would make you a commie! what? oh never mind…

  27. barto

    Damn there wasn't a peep of coverage on "E!" and very little on "Thomally" and their sexy times AFAIK. That channel is starting to really suck.

  28. Doktor StrangeZoom

    As a successful plantation owner, I can afford to keep several wives. Isn't that bigamy?

    1. flamingpdog

      If you should marry an African-Italian, be sure to have the wedding outside under a bigga tree.

    1. weej_FukuiKatie

      I can think of other places to throw ol' Brigham but our dear Editrix wants us to cut back on that sort of thing. Sorry Neuter, no can wish for a Saintly speed bump fer yer campaign bus.

      1. ElPinche

        We're on page 2 on a Sunday and she's probably on her eighth martini right about now. I say we gently parachute onto rusty chainsaw island tonight.

  29. Doktor StrangeZoom

    So, do we have to get dead-married to someone from our own era, or everyone that we boned without virtue of marriage in real life? Because if it's the former, dibs on Dorothy Parker. And if it's the latter, is there any way to just fast forward to my own planet without bringing along the crazy recovering coke fiend from 1991?

    1. iburl

      I think Rocky and Bullwinkle should be force-married by the mormons too. (Rocky's a girl, right?)

  30. NYNYNYjr

    I just completed a very complicated Wiccan ceremony marrying Brigam Young and Joseph Goebbels. Congratulations you crazy lovebirds. Enjoy Wiccan hell!

  31. Wadisay

    On a positive note, given a broad reading of LDS church doctrine on the subject of "having sex with", I could end up married to Farah Fawcett Majors in the afterlife.

  32. gizdal

    this is great, those hot mormons can take over our souls after we are dead and anoint us into Mormon territory, and then we can all have feisty sexy multiple mormon wives.
    it's enough to cause me to vote for Mitt the Mormon. yowzah Jos. Smith and the angel Moroni – you bet, that's the dude's name who dropped off those Golden Tablets so we could mormonize the entire evil world of non-morms.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Considering the human population is usually about 50-50 male and female, how exactly is the multiple wives things going to work?

  33. Mort_Sinclair

    Totally off-topic (after having up-fisted shitloads of posts on this thread), but THANK YOU REBECCA for adding content on the weekends! I used to despair over the drought that was Friday to Monday morning on this site, but no more! You need a life, but don't get one in a hurry. Thanks.

    Sincerely,

    Mort

    1. P_R_Angster

      Seconded. No one needs another 2000+ comment post, or whatever disgusting picture Newell decides to torture us with all weekend.

  34. P_R_Angster

    I just performed a High Holy Pastafarian Rebaptism, Marriage and Beer ceremony, calling upon the GFSM to reach out with His Noodly Appendage and bring Joseph Smith into the One True Faith.

    His Pastafarian name is now Colonel Angus and he's now married to the Exotic Dancer Meat Curtains McGee.

          1. P_R_Angster

            Dammit! Whereinhell was "Soup for Sluts" when I was in College?

            Oh, yeah: LIMBAUGH RAMEN!

    1. Advn2rgirl

      But I thought he lost his commission and was no longer Col. Angus, and now just goes by his first name, Enal.

      1. P_R_Angster

        Well, that Is true. I had to petition The GFSM to restore his commission, as part of the deal. The paperwork was awful.

  35. glamourdammerung

    Interracial marriages are an offense in the Mormon Church that the offending parties blood needs to be spilled over. I am curious about whether that includes the people that married the partners.

  36. randcoolcatdaddy

    But the real burning question is whether they get to wear the magic underwear.

  37. P_R_Angster

    O/T: for anyone who owns a house and wants or needs to go Off The Grid, Tigerdirect is taking pre orders on These. Today only. Better hurry up, they'll Max out soon!

      1. P_R_Angster

        Was it he Model A-5? I had to send mine back too. Kept surging and blowing out bulbs aroungd the house. All my hair fell out but, on the bright side,my tomatos got HUGE.

          1. P_R_Angster

            That's a good spot. Be careful, though: my friend's plants got so huge he couldn't get them up the stairs.

      1. P_R_Angster

        Well I, for one, plan on Mutating and sticking around.
        The trouble is I'll be the one who'll be responsible for finding a secure landfill for it and not just leaving it for future generations.

      1. P_R_Angster

        No! They're not for Export! The NRC forbids it. Absolutely not!

        *whispering* We'll move them through Kazakhstan.

    1. flamingpdog

      Gnerates 50 years of power? Wasn't it just a few years ago that Karl Rove said that the Republiklans would be in power for a hundred years? Guess he should have waited for these cubes to come onto the market before opening his fat yap.

      1. P_R_Angster

        Pffft! Karl and his Hundred Year Reich. As if they could keep their shit together for 10 years. Or months.
        I'd like to stick two of these right down his pants and flash bake his Yarbles for him.

  38. a_pink_poodle

    Well it's "until death do you part" so I don't see how this would affect Thomas Jefferson's afterlife relationships one bit.

  39. poorgradstudent

    Even if you ignore the whole "Sally was a slave which really complicates the whole idea of 'consent' at the very, very least" element, it's still a pretty shitty thing to do to marry Jefferson to anyone other than the wife he clearly loved and whose death by all accounts caused him to have a mental breakdown. Do the people who did this know anything about Jefferson's actual life, or do they just think he should be married to the last person he did the deed with 'cause sex is dirty?

    Seriously, fuck the Mormons. It's not enough that they have to stop people who love each other in life from getting married, apparently they gotta do the same in the afterlife as well.

  40. Barrelhse

    Mormons? Aren't they that "religious" cult in Utah? They seem to be having a pretty good time playing these silly little games. How amusing for them, all the pretending and giggling!

    1. Negropolis

      Speaking of the Nation of Islam, I just saw two of them yelling holy hell on a nearby streetcorner passing out their papers. Never have I heard them so loudly.

  41. P_R_Angster

    OK, now, to everybody who thinks that Pastafariansim is just some made-up joke religion or something…
    Here's a 1957 BBC documentary of an early Pastafarian Farm Commune.

    Now stop sending me those harassing emails!

      1. P_R_Angster

        It really caused a lot of heartache. Hundreds of people left the Faith the next year.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I am a follower of the FSM and have read his gospel. I am particularly looking forward to the strippers and the beer volcanoes in heaven! May you be touched by his noodly appendage.

      rAmen brother and/or sister!

      1. P_R_Angster

        RAMEN to you, Partner Organism in Pasta! May His Noodly Appendage guide you safely through life's vicissitudes and may your Piracy be fruitful.

        May your Heavenly Reward be foamy with volcanic beer and your Celestial Pirate Ship be fully staffed with the most talented strippers.

        It's good to have Pastafarian friends here. It gets lonely sometimes, when strangers laugh at the colander on my head.

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          I make beer for a living, so you could say that i am a high priest of the FSM.
          Did you change your name? Did you used to be a scaley creature that I had the hots for?

          1. P_R_Angster

            You're so perceptive. This is my High Holy Prank Day Avatar. Just for April 1st.

            If you make Beer for a living, you are clearly my Newest Best Friend.

          2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            Ah, I was too busy drinking beer at church today to notice what day it was. I should clarify; I am a microbiologist that works with beer, not a brewer. Small difference to most, big difference to brewers, whom I try not to piss off unless they are doing something incorrect, micro-biologically.

          3. P_R_Angster

            Oho, so you must fool around with Saccharomyces, then! I think that's even cooler.Bacterial Contaminants are decidedly Uncool, though.

            I've been all over the map, from Field to Lab to Office but I've grown stuff too. Everything I've grown, with a few notable exceptions has been decidedly Macro-biological in nature, though.

            We're teaming up with Papoon in a One Organism One Vote registration drive. You should sign up your Micros!

          4. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            i will sign up my 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000? or so yeast cells. I will not tell the pediococcus or lactobacillus because they are stupid bastards who probably vote republican along with spoiling beer. And those wild yeast can go fuck themselves. Literally.

          5. P_R_Angster

            Cool! I'll send you the forms – they only have to make Their Mark and you can witness.
            Don't bother with those pedi- and lacto guys. The last thing we need are more brainless parthenogenic Republican voters.
            have you ever tried to get Wild Yeasts to do anything at all? They're always off partying with the Vikings. I kind of half don't blame them, though. Mead is good.

          6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            Don't blame the vikings. It's the fucking Belgians to blame for the wild yeast and the pedio and the lacto and everything. Fucking Belgians.

          7. P_R_Angster

            It's those godawful Belgan Monks that really screwed things up. they would all just have stayed in their place, quietly copying manuscripts, praying and weeding the garden a little. But nooooo, they have to go and fool around with Biology! Who did they think they were? Gregor Fucking Mendel?

          8. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            See, that's just pissing me off. How anyone could know that much about genetics but that little about aseptic technique is beyond me. If most Belgian brewers had lived in Germany they would have been chased out of town for their beer, at the least. Or maybe that's just the German/Austrian in me coming out. I still contend that most Belgian beer originated from a brewer (monk or not) who eventually just said "fuck it, this is as good as I can do." Obviously you've touched one of my beer nerd nerves.

          9. P_R_Angster

            Obviously!

            I've jumped through hoops to try to maintain sterile cultures and I also do a bit of home brewing so I feel your pain. Those monks used to open brew beer in the spider and toad infested basements!
            I'm sure at some point they just said "Fuck it! I'm getting alcohol, that's as good as it needs to be."
            Belgian yeast forest beer is pretty much the only stuff I don't like.

      1. P_R_Angster

        May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage and may your Fridays be full of the Holy Foamy Beverage.

    1. P_R_Angster

      I like it. Caesar Augustus would piss me off, but I could get into cruising with Sam Clemens on the Riverboat.

  42. P_R_Angster

    I'm hoping that when Mitt goes to his Just Reward, This will be his Just Reward.

    Hey, his Very Own Planet and Lots and Lots of Wives. Forever.

    1. Barrelhse

      I imagine I'll go to Hell, which for me would entail an Eternity selling admission tickets to the Creation Museum and having to bullshit with the customers.

      1. P_R_Angster

        And the Religious-themed Musak. The horrible, horrible Musak.

        If I believed in Hell, mine would involve several horrid and excruciating scenarios, one of which would be having to watch this very Congress on CSPAN in a Clockwork Orange chair, forever.

        EDIT: and there would be Clowns.

        1. P_R_Angster

          I'll bet he did for a minute. Then he must have been relieved that flatulating blowhard wasn't there after all.

  43. DahBoner

    What's the difference between LSD and LDS?

    One you come back to normal after 10 hours.

    P.S. I'd tap that…

  44. rickmaci

    Why can't they just do these things in secret behind closed doors, as any other self respecting religious cult would?

  45. Negropolis

    Here I thought the LDS Church was an introverted church that just wanted to be left alone, and here they are gracelessly plodding all over everyone else's history and culture like some drunk girl at a party whose "song is on!". Didn't they get the memo? No, I'm asking, didn't they get the literal memo to stop this shit?

  46. BarackMyWorld

    Hey, everybody…Betty's husband made a crack about Romney on "Mad Men" tonight! Okay, he meant George Romney, but still…LOLZ.

  47. P_R_Angster

    Yes, tomorrow's Monday and so I must fly. Go Forth and Multiply, but only with acceptable strains. Don't hesitate to give out Dope Slaps where appropriate. Make them Fear you. It will help.

    60,000 gallons would be a good start, for a Beer Volcano.

  48. WonkCynic

    If the Mormons are going to post humously marry people that were already married, maybe they could marry King George III to Martha Washington, and in turn marry George Washington to Queen Charlotte. Then we dum ass Americans could be even more confused about which dead old fucker and his wife to worship as our founding fucker.

  49. Schmegeg

    Now if they can figure out a way to tell my dad the numbers from Friday's lottery, then he can put them in his Will, and I can be very flush indeed. Temporal Paradox – Mormon style.

    1. P_R_Angster

      Allright, just who did they marry Caligula's horse to? That's disgusting!

      It's good to see you back, Fukui.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        I honestly didn't expect anything like the love I got from people here.

        Anyway, wtf are you doing with Edmund Blackadder?

        1. C_R_Eature

          I think there's a lot of good people here. Also, Empathy is one of the things that separates Us from Them. I do wish you the best and meant every word.

          I just threw Edmund up for now, as I had a special High Holy Prank Day Avatar with a face that definitely needed to be replaced before someone noticed. Just seemed like "Trust Me" definitely went with this countenance eh?

        2. not that Dewey

          They did it for Shorts; they did it for Weejee; they did it for Owls & me; they did it for Radio and they did it for DoktorZoom. I must be forgetting a dozen other cases. There's no reason they wouldn't do it for you. I know that there's nothing we can say about the one thing; I've only had attempts in my family (and plenty of them), but that's unfamiliar territory to me. But we've all had loved ones in Mrs Fukui's situation.

          My mother keeps telling me that religiosity is inevitable. That as I get closer to mortality, I will eventually adopt her religious worldview. I tell her that I am extremely comfortable with my secularism. I've gotten through divorce (100% rate in my family, except for me & Mrs D), the deaths of loved ones, joblessness, destitution, deprivation, miscarriage, the list goes on…my secular humanism has always got me through it.

          Lean on us.

  50. C_R_Eature

    Well. it looks like it's really not a cruel April Fools joke. Sarah Palin is, in fact, going to be Hosting the Today show on Tuesday.

    So, pre-emptively: This.

  51. tessiee

    "The Mormons did wait until 1991 to baptize Hemmings — probably because black people weren’t allowed to be Mormon until 1978."

    It's OK; they also posthumously declared her white.

  52. Dudleydidwrong

    I'm just getting back to the sane world after some necessary (and fucking) expensive traveling, so if this has been said before, I apologize. But the Moron Church can marry whomever they please, but if they could just marry Romney to reality we would all be better off.

Comments are closed.