BIG LOVE  1:08 pm April 1, 2012

Helpful Mormons Hitched Up Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings For All Eternity

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Slave Rape: A Love StoryWell, that’s nice, you guys. Having already magically made Mormons out of Anne Frank, Elvis, Pope John Paul II, and Hitler (him they can have!), the Church of Latter Day Saints has now turned its attention to marrying people who might not even want to get married! Like, remember when Bristol and Levi were going to have to get married at, like, 12, so Sarah Palin could be Vice President? Those crazy kids dodged that bullet, huh? But now they will probably be married in the afterlife, because Mormons just cannot keep their nose out of everybody else’s celestial planets. So which important people have the Mormons married now? Oh, just Thomas Jefferson and his slave, Sally Hemings, that’s all.

But of all the already-married people to get married by proxy by a roomful of Mormons, Thomas Jefferson might have been the most appropriate. Sally Hemings, Jefferson’s mistress/slave, was actually already actual sister to his actual wife, Martha. Sister-wives on the real! Also, slave rape, so hot right now. (The Mormons did wait until 1991 to baptize Hemmings — probably because black people weren’t allowed to be Mormon until 1978.)

What is surprising is that the LDS Church, according to its Family Search registry, considers Hemings to be Thomas Jefferson’s wife. (One of two—the other of course being Jefferson’s legal wife, Martha, who happens to be Sally Hemings’s half-sister; she and Hemings were both the daughters of Virginia plantation owner John Wayles.)

Yikes, you guys, move to The Compound already. Oh right you can’t you have been dead for like 200 years. Whether Hemings would want to be married to the dude who owned her and their children is unknowable and probably beside the point. Maybe he was a really nice slave owner! Yes, we think we’ll go with that.

[Slate]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 512 comments }

Barb April 1, 2012 at 1:12 pm

A Mormon wedding? I bet that reception sucked.
A Palin wedding? Imagine the camouflage dress code and the vast array of homemade furs worn by the ladies.

drrty_martini April 1, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I also imagine a Palin wedding reception would involve FourLoko and popcorn chicken. In my Penthouse Forum letter, that's how things start.

Barb April 1, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Sarah is a lifelong member of the NRA. It explains why she is so fond of shotgun weddings.

donner_froh April 1, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I have been to a few biker/white trash weddings–the most recent ended up with the bride's mother and her mother–bride's grandmother who was in her very spry early 60s– attacking the girlfriend of the bride's father (also the mother of the bride's first husband). It was a lot of fun until the glassware started flying.

CthuNHu April 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Needz moar flow chart.

LionHeartSoyDog April 1, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I must be getting old… cannot easily diagram that genealogy in my head.
Interesting, though.

donner_froh April 1, 2012 at 4:50 pm

OOPS–I really screwed that one up. It is a bit less complicated than I made it but no reason to make it worse by trying to explain it further. It was more fun to recall than to live through at the time but no one I know got hurt which means it was a lovely wedding.

Loaded_Pants April 1, 2012 at 7:51 pm

My white trash wedding story involves:
1) Color scheme: Burgundy.
2) Me & the bf (it was his cousin's wedding) being the only guys in tuxes. The others wore jeans & short-sleeved button-down shirts w/clip-on ties (even the groom).
3) Flower print bridesmaids' dresses.
4) Groom showed up drunk for the ceremony.
5) Garth Brooks being played on a boombox.
6) Two gay guys getting shit faced at the reception (that would have been me & my bf).

At least the bride had a proper gown & no fights involving firearms broke out.
The marriage lasted only two months because hubby came home & found wifey in bed with two guys. At least she wasn't related to either of them.

I did not make any of this up.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I believe it. That's all too good not to be true.

Did anyone Hurl on the dance floor? All self-respecting White Trash Weddings have to feature something like that. It's contractual.

Loaded_Pants April 1, 2012 at 9:32 pm

No one barfed, as a I recall.
But it was fun listening to bf's mom saying whispered quips about the groom's family after she had a couple of drinks (& she was normally a teetotaler).

glamourdammerung April 1, 2012 at 9:02 pm

The marriage lasted only two months because hubby came home & found wifey in bed with two guys.

Did he join in?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I bet he took cellphone pics.

snackypants April 1, 2012 at 10:52 pm

But there was nothing gay about that, at all.

tessiee April 2, 2012 at 9:39 am

This isn't exactly white trash, if for no other reason than the fact that everybody involved was extremely tan; but when Cousin Jerzette married Vinny, she had twelve bridesmaids in fuschia dresses, and her recessional was the theme from "The Godfather".

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

The Mormon wedding reception I attended was actually quite nice. But I missed out on the wedding (my daughter's) because, like, no gentiles in the Temple.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Really?? Ouch. I would've caused a scene and busted in, unless my daughter would have been mortified, which she will be by her dad someday soon over everything… So, well played, pdog?

snackypants April 1, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Also, no genitals in the temple, unless covered by magic underwear.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 2, 2012 at 12:07 am

thats what i read and it was better that way. :}

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Well, we already have a Palin family photo: http://anchoragejournal/weddings/palin

LettucePrey April 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I found another Palin wedding photo. Oh, and what the hell, here's another.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Urgh! All this just makes me think that mandatory Breeding Licensees would be a good idea.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Did you hear? A judge let them all off, except two who pled guilty to weapons charges.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I did hear that but all I really know is that the Fed team fucked up the charges and a lot of them got thrown out. Stupid, just like the way they fucked up the Ted Stevens prosecution by rushing things, I guess.
These crazy fuckers will be back in the Pokey eventually. I just hope they don't kill anyone to get there.

Negropolis April 2, 2012 at 7:54 am

Fortunately, the leader and his son aren't allowed to own firearms, anymore, because of the weapons charges, but they were still going on about their crazy gubmint conspiracy bullshit after they were released, and the bungling of the trial will only feed that. The part of Michigan they are from is fertile ground for more shit like this to happen.

Trust me; if these guys would have been from Dearborn, Michigan and not (Redneck), Michigan, they'd have already been convicted.

Boojum April 2, 2012 at 2:00 am

I think the only number in that group lower than the IQ points is the number of teeth.

subsum April 1, 2012 at 4:33 pm

A Palin wedding must be a nice shindig to behold: lots of Boone's Farm Blackberry Merlot, Seagram's Wine Coolers, PBR, Schlitz and Milwaukee's Best all to wash down Di Giorno frozen pizza next the microwave for self-service and Chef Boyardee and Hamburger Helper from the buffet. Stay classy, Wasilla.

glamourdammerung April 1, 2012 at 9:03 pm

That is completely inaccurate as I did not see "meth" in your description.

Loaded_Pants April 1, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Or coke. And I don't mean the soft drink.

tessiee April 2, 2012 at 9:42 am

And the bride's previous children as ring bearers, flower girls, etc.

PuckStopsHere April 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm

You're the best, Barb. You made me laugh here at halftime of the big Panthers-Red Wings game.

Barb April 1, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Oh my GOD Puck! Did you see the fight that happened with the Penguins and the Flyers?

Grief_Lessons April 1, 2012 at 8:42 pm

And the Sens clinched playoff spot this afternoon. Go Sens Go!

Barb April 1, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Go Senators!

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Fuck the Senators!

Oh, wait, not those Senators. Never mind. But, hey, FUCK THE TEXAS RANGERS!!!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I hear that at the Fight a Hockey Game broke out, too.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 10:49 pm

WIN

PuckStopsHere April 2, 2012 at 11:32 am

I did enjoy that little tiff, Barb. Watched as I was taking my pre-game meal. I was hoping Laviolette and Bylsma would have a go. As an aside, I have personally played golf with both of those guys. You would think with that on my resume I'd be doing better in life than I am, but whatev.

redarmyzombie April 1, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I have experience with Mormon wedding receptions. They do suck. Imagine standing in a room with nothing to eat but M&M's and those red cinnamon candies and nothing to do for an unspecified period of hours. That was exactly what it went like.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:15 pm

That's where the Psilocybin comes in handy.

"Oh, it's just some herbal Mushroom tea. Yes, it is a pretty purple."
"Would you like some?"

redarmyzombie April 1, 2012 at 9:51 pm

"What's what? Oh, THAT? That's just a sitar, pay it no attention."

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:55 pm

"The blue caterpillar with the water pipe? That's Carl, he's with me."

Terry April 1, 2012 at 10:01 pm

A Palin wedding reception would feature several fist fights within the bridal party alone and lot sand lots of random screwing out between the cars in the parking lot.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:08 pm

And a whole lot of "Announcement" cards being sent out after two to three months.

HippieEsq April 2, 2012 at 9:30 am

I think we can all agree that Mormon beliefs and practices are so uninspiring to us heathens that the first and last Mormon party we'll ever attend is the posthumous mormom baptism that will whisk us away from sinner hell (where at least I'll be having a three-way with Natalie Portman and Gwyneth Paltrow) and directly into Mormon space heaven (where I'll be forced to share my turkey and cheese on white bread sandwhich with Glenn Beck).

weej_FukuiKatie April 1, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Welcome to the club Tom & Sally. Mrs. weejee & I have had similar nuptials courtesy of Sainted relatives. The Spaghetti Monster still lurves us.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Love your new name and avatar, but speaking of things we need moar flow charts for …

weej_FukuiKatie April 1, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Thanks. Ol' Sol was part of my olde Ouija board one. Thought that Fukui could use some sunshine.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 5:32 pm

It made me laugh.Hope it works for him, too.

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I thought Ol' Sol was my Jewish uncle.

Mumble_JustSayYesOta April 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Now, I'm straight and all — but if Sally Hemmings as appropriated in complexion and svelteness by Thandie Newton were to retroactively-baptize *me* in turn, I don't think I would protest.

FROTHY April 1, 2012 at 11:32 pm

I don't think they call that "baptizing," hon.

Callyson April 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Many non-Mormons think this practice odd, creepy, and perhaps even horribly disrespectful. But…It is a ritual that fulfills Mormons’ desire to unite the whole of humanity into one eternal family. (Many people, of course, find this explanation unsatisfying; a Jewish friend recently quipped to me, “Mormons can baptize dead Jews when Jews can circumcise live Mormons.”)

Aaaand that will be all from me on this topic…

weej_FukuiKatie April 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm

That post is a cut above.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 1, 2012 at 1:43 pm

It's what I call "slash fiction".
~

Doktor StrangeZoom April 1, 2012 at 4:53 pm

And the mohel never insisted on payment–he just took tips.

Veritas78 April 1, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Mohels often have foreskins made into wallets. When they're packing for a trip, they rub one and it turns into a valise!

smitallica April 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I did not know about this ritual's use as a representation of Mormons' desire for one eternal family. Now I do. Thank you for that.

And I still find this practice odd, creepy, and horribly disrespectful.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

One eternal family … as long as that family is Mormon. I already had to disengage myself from a woman-hating Roman fashion queen. Isn't that enough?

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Prada libel!

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Those shoes are the only thing he has to recommend him.

finallyhappy April 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

and my considered response is Fuck them. Of course, in the end, it is meaningless ritual- like the priest who said the rosary over me while I was marching to keep abortion legal. Jews have been around a long time- and used to all sorts of shit being done to us- way worse than some fake Mormon crap.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

♫ Rmoney for nothing, and tips for a fee. ♫

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Gold Star WIN

sharethegrief April 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Mormons only want to unite the whole of humanity after we're all dead. In real life, they have an invisible, repellant wall around them. They'll attempt a weak smile for you and they'll gladly take your money but all non-Mormons are considered the other.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

And, no doubt, we will not be occupying the same planet as the Mittster. Ours will have plantations on it.

sharethegrief April 1, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I will demand my own celestial car elevator.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I can haz an acoount at Planet Caymen Islands?

Naked_Bunny April 1, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Many people, of course, find this explanation unsatisfying

Especially given how the Mormons treat the living.

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 2:40 pm

The sentiment is nice…but one wonders; are there enough planets to go around?

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 2:50 pm

They probly should have thought about that before they demoted pluto.

Biff April 1, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Expansionism. See? Science!

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Manifest Destiny in Space?

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Mormon space-time expands faster than the speed of light? That's pretty hard to swallow. Now, The Book Of Mormon on the other hand…

glamourdammerung April 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Many non-Mormons think this practice odd, creepy, and perhaps even horribly disrespectful. But…It is a ritual that fulfills Mormons’ desire to unite the whole of humanity into one eternal family.

I am fully aware that they desire to unite the whole of humanity under their control. I am not sure why that somehow deserves anything beyond contempt.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I am fully aware that they desire to unite the whole of humanity under their control.

Really, that's the end of that talking point. This isn't something done simply out of the goodness of their hearts. It's a shameless and cynical spiritual power-play, and should be seen as such. It's disrespectful because of how it so blatantly insults our intelligence.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 2, 2012 at 1:31 am

Meh … I really don't care if they want to mutter my great-grandmother's name in the middle of a whole mess of foolish mutterings. I think it's just stupid, and it makes Mormons look stupid.
End of discussion, as far as I'm concerned.

Negropolis April 2, 2012 at 7:58 am

As with anything, it's the thought and motivation behind a practice. The action itself doesn't have to be physically destructive for it to be offensive. Let's just say that they'd do well and good to keep my family's names out of their mouths, which shouldn't be much of a problem since they really enjoy doing this mostly to famous people.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I always thought that those Mossad Circumcision Squads were a myth.

JustPixelz April 1, 2012 at 3:50 pm

"The whole of humanity into one eternal family…"

If this big Mormon family is anything like my big family, they just made Jefferson and Hemming fight over the time his dog ruined her mother's new carpet … for eternity.

Until 1978, were the blah people united in a separate but equal eternal family?

Don't miss season 3 of "When Tommy Met Sally" … premiers next week on TLC. Sally doesn't like Tommy's new carriage. Will he sell the carriage? Or her?

ThundercatHo April 1, 2012 at 11:02 pm

I like the scene where she has a very loud, fake orgasm at the local tavern.

Swampgas_Man April 1, 2012 at 4:45 pm

As usual, the joke's on the Jews — every Mormon man I've slept w/ already IS circumsized.

snoopyfan2010 April 1, 2012 at 9:06 pm

TMI.

redarmyzombie April 1, 2012 at 9:19 pm

You know who *else* wanted to unite the whole of humanity into one eternal family?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 2, 2012 at 1:37 am

Louis Leakey?

FROTHY April 1, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I don't want to be part of their fucking family, I have MY OWN fucking family to deal with. It's disgusting, creepy, disrespectful, and rotten (as are most of my relatives, since they're mostly dead). Us Brown folks who might have had our language, history, and culture already stolen from us, not to mention our lucre, might want to hang on to SOMEthing that some white folks somewhere DIDN'T try to steal.

redarmyzombie April 2, 2012 at 4:34 am

My brother-in-law was brought up Mormon; he and his siblings left though, when they were, y'know, free to worship how they chose.

BTW, you wanna learn the secret Mormon handshake?

FROTHY April 2, 2012 at 8:00 am

Sure, why not? I'm always ready to learn something new.

redarmyzombie April 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

Okay, remember this the next time they come up to your door to proselytize at you.

It starts out as a normal handshake. You reach out, grasp their hand, and firmly shake it like any other, EXCEPT (and this is very important!) you also reach out with index and middle fingers, and press into their wrist with the tips. (something to do with that Crucifixion whatchamahoozit, I'm sure)

Trust me, if you do that and you're not on their secret Mormon role-call, it freaks them the FUCK out!

DocChaos April 2, 2012 at 10:22 am

Multiple wives vs. having my hoodie trimmed? Uh, yeah, I guess we can figure out which religion is growing faster.

SayItWithWookies April 1, 2012 at 1:19 pm

This just proves Mitt's fitness for office, since his religion is the most modern — not because they approve of interracial premarital sex, but because they apparently have a slash fiction section.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Oops, I shoulda scrolled down…but slightly different context, at least.
~

UW8316154 April 1, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Doesn't seem any weirder to me than the whole concept of transubstantion.

finallyhappy April 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

you left out 2 syllables- and I'm not even Catholic

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 2:08 pm

transubstantiskullfucktion?

Geminisunmars April 1, 2012 at 2:14 pm

transubvagination?

LetUsBray April 1, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Or, with the altar boys, transubanalpenetration.

oldswede April 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Some xians get very upset when I try to explain that transubstantiation is ritual cannibalism. "This is my body, take and eat . . ." isn't clear enough for them.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Not any weirder, but way more offensive.

OkieDokieDog April 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Wouldn't it be more better for humanity if the Mormons were using their Super Powers to help out the living?

Fare la Volpe April 1, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Silly Okie, the living are not fetuses or corporations. Why would we help them?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 2, 2012 at 1:35 am

You got to stick with what works. No dead person has EVER complained about the fabulous service and magnificent results produced by a Mormon zombie baptism. We're talking millions of satisfied customers here!

HippieEsq April 2, 2012 at 9:27 am

Mormon world domination plots are so much tackier than jew/chrisitian/muslim analogues.

Rotundo_ April 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Maybe someone should form a religion where all sorts of fun things get done to Mormons in the afterlife. Not only could one baptize them, but same sex marry them off (with a profusely and profanely illustrated guide) and appoint them as saints that worship deities composed of Santorum, Glitter and Coffee grounds. One wouldn't need to bother with all the kabuki involving fake gold plates and double transcriptions of the "sacred texts" and all that. One could consult Star Trek for the afterlife portion of it as well guaranteeing "Green BItches" or "Green Bastards" by the thousands for each of their special planets they receive. In honor of the Archangel Moroni one could call the religion Moronism.

Rotundo_ April 1, 2012 at 1:30 pm

P.S. Wouldn't it be fun to hitch Brigham Young to the entire hierarchy of the current LDS Church? What fun hijinks one could have in the afterlife…

Naked_Bunny April 1, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Can I be married to Dr. Leonard McCoy in the afterlife?

MosesInvests April 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Only if I can have Nyota Uhura, Deanna Troi and Beverly Crusher as sister-wives.

LetUsBray April 1, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Thanks for letting me call dibs on Seven of Nine.

Biff April 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Is that more fuzzy 3/5-type maths?

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Hey, there's more than enough of her for more than one. At least that's what her ex-husband thought.

SorosBot April 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm

And I call Dax – Jadzia and Ezri both. Now that would be really kinky.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I'd be happy to make Earl Grey tea for Captain Picard on our own private planet. I'm way more fun than Beverly Crusher.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I'll bet. Beverly Crusher was wrapped way too tight. I think Picard was secretly frightened of her because, you know, Crusher.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I don't have any nerdy son to worry about either.

ThundercatHo April 1, 2012 at 11:10 pm

You can make him all the Earl Grey tea (hot) he likes but Jean Luc and I will go riding together and afterwards I will massage his thighs.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Cannibalism. Don't forget the Cannibalism.

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I think it would be relaxing to make a religion that ignores Momanism.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Let's turn all the Mormon Temples on all the Mormon Worlds
into Abortionplex Malls. What fun! Hell, I might even join up then.

CapnFatback April 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Leave it to the Mormons to destroy the quintessential "doin' it to sisters" Penthouse fantasy. The lesson here is that no matter how important the man, no matter how long dead, eventually you will be forced to do the "right thing" and marry them both.

What's next, marrying famous dead women to their former pizza-delivery boys?

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Someone order a spicy Italian sausage?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 2, 2012 at 1:39 am

I take that as an argument for nailing as many women as you possibly can, in this life.

SexySmurf April 1, 2012 at 1:27 pm

At least they aren't two dudes because that would be weird.

Biff April 1, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I imagine Martha Wayles would get first dibs at that whole sealed forever in the afterlife thing, but what the fuck–bi-racial sister-wives rock!

tihond April 1, 2012 at 1:28 pm

They should do J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson next.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm

(when dead): Richard Gere and his gerbils.

weej_FukuiKatie April 1, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Evita and Juan Perón?

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 4:41 pm

C'mon. I'm not saying no man-on-gerbil sex ever existed, it just wasn't Richard Gere. He played a gay man persecuted by the Nazis in the original Broadway production of Bent (a role created by Ian McKellan in London's West End) and has paid for that choice ever since with a certain segment of our society. Gere generously supports gay marriage rights because his brother is a gay man raising two children with his legal husband.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Sorry, I'm perpetuating a rumor. How about: Glenn Beck and his rape/murder victim? Prove it didn't happen, Glenn. (With your chalkboard.)

doloras April 1, 2012 at 6:03 pm

But all I'm saying is that Richard Gere should release the evidence that he didn't stuff a gerbil up his ass. In 1990.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:52 pm

You can't do that – it would be Same Sex Marriage and that would be Crazy!
Wait, what?

ttommyunger April 1, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Jerry Falwell's already done that in Hell. Reception was held in Arizona.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Wedding and reception in the same place? Well, at least they saved on gasoline.

ttommyunger April 1, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Indeed!

dadanarchist April 1, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Hitler and Stalin.

Swampgas_Man April 1, 2012 at 4:48 pm

And Pol Pot caught the bouquet.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Always the genocidal dictator, never the bride.

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Do they have Sid and Nancy yet?

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

How could someone be married to 3/5ths of a human?

Biff April 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Math is hard–much harder than that.
Sally was 3/4 Euro-trash, and 1/4 African, so we're gonna have to call in a real mathemetician for this equation.

swordfis April 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I suck at this, but: 3/5 of a human X 1/4 African = .60 x .25 = 15% human 60% human [Eurotrash side] = 75% human. So Sally Hemings was 3/4 human. Does she get more human points for being Mormon-baptized? Or is she retroactively human by Constitutional Law? And can we determine who is 3/5th human by how fat, stupid, and all-around dickish they are? (no offense meant to the horizontally challenged – you know who I'm talking about. Amirite Rush?)

Geminisunmars April 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

(1/4 African X 3/5 human – 3/4 Euro-trash)squared
/
7/8 Declaration of Independence – One Presidency
=
300 million Anti-Moroni voters

starfanglednut April 1, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Times pi R squared = one big circle jerk.

DahBoner April 2, 2012 at 7:46 am

Where pi=3, cuz the Bible says so

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

If all if the ancestory is averaged together equally we would have (3 x 1 person) + ( 1 x 0.6 people) / 4 = 9/10 ths of a people.

FlownOver April 1, 2012 at 3:28 pm

You ARE smarter than a Foxworthy! Congrats!

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I should be careful. I may have just developed new elementary school curriculum for Mississippi et al.

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:22 pm

By my calculation that's the 99%.

CthuNHu April 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Ask Liz Cheney.

For that matter, ask Dick Cheney.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Sorry, but in real life, being 1/16 African made you subhuman in the Old South. I think the 3/5 business was just a Constitutional compromise between 1/16 and 1. Remember, these sainted fellows writing and signing the Constitution? 100 percent politicians.

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 3:14 pm

You never met my wife! [rimshot]

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:24 pm

My wife she makes meals fit for a King…..here King, here King.

Henny Youngman — also, too, post-humorously Morman.

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:27 pm

D_R, you've got my white male land-owning (no slaves) vote for Comment of the Weekend.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Thank you, RF. And: Balls.

Blueb4sunrise April 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Sally, quick! File for divorce!

upthruster April 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"Because Mormons not only believe in baptizing non-Mormons who have died—they also believe in “sealing” families so they can spend eternity together."

Oh no boys and girls! You are NOT forcing me to spend eternity with my family!

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I'm gonna have to have a talk with my daughter and son-n-law – I sure don't want to spend eternity with his family.

But then, neither do they.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:38 pm

So, my family will have to spend Eternity with me? What a Nightmare.

For them.

trampndirtdown April 1, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Thanksgiving is bad enough!

Biel_ze_Bubba April 2, 2012 at 1:42 am

There's a special section in Hell where every day is Thanksgiving day, for eternity. Works splendidly for our purposes, but I've no idea why the Mor(m)ons think it's a good thing.

FROTHY April 2, 2012 at 12:12 am

I can't imagine a worse fate than having to spend eternity with MY fucking family, from whom I fled the day I came of age.

GunToting[Redacted] April 1, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Considering this has as much application as most fan/slash-fic (Captain Mal in a hawt inter-dimensional relationship with Han Solo), I'm having a hard time feeling anything more than mild bemusement at these idiots.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Now that you mention it, I always thought that Yoda and Cousin It would really hit it off.

donner_froh April 1, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Is Sally Hemings still a slave in Mormon heaven?

Biff April 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

According to what used to be mormon doctrine, she should not only be free, but also "white and delightsome".

Geminisunmars April 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Oh, lucky her.

Biff April 1, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Right? But don't just take my word for it…

Advn2rgirl April 1, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Oh Good God! Are they really still doing the Mark of Cain = colored thing? Negra et formosa sum, dammit.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 11:02 pm

So, Michael Jackson was a Mormon?

Biff April 1, 2012 at 11:13 pm

He did get a head start, didn't he? I guess when you start out as a Jehovah's Witness, it's a longer climb.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 11:40 pm

You'd think it'd be a shorter climb, actually, because JWs are nearly as strange as Mormons. I'm convinced that that is a big contributor to the strangeness of most of the Jacksons.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Aren't all women slaves in Mormon heaven?

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I believe the term is "Sister Wives".

trampndirtdown April 1, 2012 at 2:31 pm

No they are perfectly free to do whatever their husband/prophet tells them to do.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I think it depends on how magic their bloomers are.

FROTHY April 2, 2012 at 12:14 am

Is she female? Then, yes. I understand the wimmonz get to be permapreggers in the MorMoney heaven. While *some* women undoubtedly enjoy pregnancy, I've heard a LOT of women complain (sometimes for the whole damn term) about what a shitty time they were having. So, not a woman's idea of heaven, I'd reckon.

Fare la Volpe April 2, 2012 at 9:32 am

But Frothy, it's every woman's duty in life to be pregnant as often as her husband wishes.

What? You thought women had free will? Silly faggit, freedom is for men.

trampndirtdown April 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Heloise and Abelard… providing they miracle Peter's balls back on.

donner_froh April 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Religion is weird.

BarackMyWorld April 1, 2012 at 8:37 pm
donner_froh April 1, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Eddie Izzard is the perfect guy to explain religion–any religion at all.

FraAnima April 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Wow. Sally was a babe.

…and you know she wanted it. I mean, look how she's dressed. Slut.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Her Morning After Pill was throwing herself down a well.

smitallica April 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Look, on a scale of 1 to 10 of whacky Mormon beliefs, this is like a 3.

SexySmurf April 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Blood atonement libel!

One_Man_Band April 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Hahaha! I bet that rubs someone the wrong way!

glamourdammerung April 1, 2012 at 3:29 pm

The folks the Mormons murdered in the Mountain Meadows attacks say "oh hai there".

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Are those folks getting posthumous baptisms? Because I can imagine some of the [alcohol free] cocktail parties in heaven having many awkward moments, if so.

glamourdammerung April 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Someone really needs to ask the Mormon Church if they posthumously baptized all those folks they murdered.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 4:51 pm

If the Catholics had to baptize posthumously all the people killed in Papal wars they wouldn't have time for … well, you know.

redarmyzombie April 1, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Thank you! And I'd just like to add, that Kenneth Campbell, Catherine Clark, Jessica Thomas, and Larry Green are all Gay Married now!

ProgressiveInga April 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Does this mean that upon her demise, Shawna will be married to her zucchini? I think she REALLY WANTS IT! ➜ ➜ ➜

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Silly! You can't Marry your Zucchini and eat it too! Oh, wait…

Never mind.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Kortney libel!

spareme April 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Wait! Does this mean I can marry my vibrator? Before I die?

Troubledog April 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Boom! I just posthumously divorced joe smith from all his sister wives. Suck on that, mor(m)ons.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:19 pm

You're not done yet. Go back and Re-Marry all of them to australopithecus afarensis

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Ima gay marry them to Lucy herself.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:33 pm

The entire Dead Membership of the Mormon Church? Outstanding!

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 8:02 pm

You'll have some 'splainin' to do.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Waaaaahhhhh! Wahhhhhhhh!

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 2:04 pm

This raises some profound theological questions, to be sure. Do posthumous marriages follow the rules currently in place, or the ones in place during the life of the prospective spouses? 'Cause the church just "recommends against" interracial marriage, whereas before the big watershed of 1978. But back when Sally and Thomas were making whoopie it was streng verboten.

Useful reading on the subject, from the prophets:

“Had I anything to do with the negro, I would confine them by strict law to their own species…”
(Joseph Smith, Jr., January 2nd, 1845, History of the Church, volume 5, pages 21-218)

“Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so. The nations of the earth have transgressed every law that God has given, they have changed the ordinances and broken every covenant made with the fathers, and they are like a hungry man that dreameth that he eateth, and he awaketh and behold he is empty.”
(Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, volume 10, page 110)

“Your ideas, as we understand them, appear to contemplate the intermarriage of the Negro and white races, a concept which has heretofore been most repugnant to most normal-minded people from the ancient patriarchs until now…. there is a growing tendency, particularly among some educators, as it manifests itself in this area, toward the breaking down of race barriers in the matter of intermarriage between whites and blacks, but it does not have the sanction of the Church and is contrary to Church doctrine.”
(LDS First Presidency (George Albert Smith), letter to Virgil H. Sponberg (critic of the anti-black ban), May 5th, 1947, quoted in Lester E. Bush, Mormonism’s Negro Doctrine: An Historical Overview, page 42)

“We must not inter-marry with the Negro. Why? If I were to marry a Negro woman and have children by her, my children would oil be cursed as to the priesthood. Do I want my children cursed as to the priesthood? If there is one drop of Negro blood in my children, as I have read to you, they receive the curse. There isn’t any argument, therefore, as to inter-marriage with the Negro, is there?”
(Apostle Mark E. Peterson, “Race Problems – As They Effect the Church,” Address given at the Convention of Teachers of Religion on the College Level, delivered at BYU, August 27th, 1954)

“However, in a broad general sense, caste systems have their root and origin in the gospel itself, and when they operate according to the divine decree, the resultant restrictions and segregation are right and proper and have the approval of the Lord. To illustrate: Cain, Ham, and the whole negro race have been cursed with a black skin, the mark of Cain, so they can be identified as a caste apart, a people with whom the other descendants of Adam should not intermarry.”
(Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, page 114)

“Brigham Young made a very strong statement on this matter when he said, ‘… shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so.’ God has commanded Israel not to intermarry. To go against this commandment of God would be to sin. Those who willfully sin with their eyes open to this wrong will not be surprised to find that they will be separated from the presence of God in the world to come. This is spiritual death…. It does not matter if they are one-sixth Negro or one-one hundred and sixth, the curse of no Priesthood is still the same…. To intermarry with a Negro is to forfeit a ‘Nation of Priesthood holders.’”
(Elder John L. Lund, The Church and the Negro, pages 54-55, 1967)

[Cut and pasted from http://mormonismexposed.blogspot.com/2008/01/morm... ]

Edit: Oh, and of course I would be remiss if I forgot to point out that the last quote, from 1967, was pronounced during the second year of Romney's mission to convert the French.

Biff April 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm

To be fair, both Thomas and Sally lived out their lives before the birth invention of the Mormon church.

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Ben oui, but according to Brigham Young's remarks above, the rules were in force from the days of Cain. God only decided to give a few extra hints about them in the 1840s+

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Have I ever mentioned that I hate all organized religions?

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Are you saying there's nowhere I can send money to the Buddha?!? Then who's that guy who keeps sending me E-mails?

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Ditto. And I don't believe there's a greater persecution complex on earth than that of the American Christian.

finallyhappy April 1, 2012 at 6:01 pm

but how about disorganized ones? LIke Pastafarian Judaism- we believe in chicken noodle soup and kugel

MosesInvests April 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Actually, regular Judaism is pretty disorganized.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 9:44 pm

The flying spaghetti monster promises strippers and beer volcanoes in the afterlife. May you be touched by his noodly appendage and mention me when you do. For every convert I get a $25 gift card to applebees.

rAMEN

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Gift cards now? Shit, all I got was a stupid Toaster.

tcaalaw April 1, 2012 at 3:05 pm

It does not matter if they are one-sixth Negro or one-one hundred and sixth

Elder John L. Lund was apparently mathematically illiterate as well as a bigot….

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Matt. 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 3:12 pm

That's right…nothing's too hard for God.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Except for the fact that "God does not play Dice with the Universe."

That's just too hard.

GunToting[Redacted] April 1, 2012 at 3:22 pm

So, can your god microwave a burrito so hot that he cannot eat it?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

That's all far too complex for me to grasp. This is precisely why I am a Pastafarian. Our Heaven has a Beer Volcano and a Stripper Factory and you can't get much simpler than that.

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 3:19 pm

In the words of The Prophet Bender:[after being kicked out of a theme park]Yeah, well… I'm gonna go build my own theme park, ….with blackjack… and hookers!—

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Let us all sit quietly, clear our minds and chant Our Mantra:

"Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!" "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!" "Bite My Shiny Metal Ass!"

Loaded_Pants April 1, 2012 at 8:23 pm

I think that's also Romney's mantra that he keeps repeating in his head wherever he speaks publicly.

doloras April 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm

In fact, forget the blackjack! And the theme park! Ah, screw the whole thing.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 5:23 pm
P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Believe it. Also, BALLS.

MosesInvests April 1, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Comment of the Day!

starfanglednut April 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm

tr;dr

Too racist. Didn't read.

Chet Kincaid April 1, 2012 at 7:25 pm

"We only discuss that nowadays in quiet rooms!!"

snoopyfan2010 April 1, 2012 at 9:33 pm

In case anyone needed an excuse for inbreeding.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Quiet down, you! He's running for president for Pete's sake!

LettucePrey April 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Slave rape = TRU WUV.

SorosBot April 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm

But that's not what he said! He distinctly said 'to blathe' and as we all know 'to blathe' means to bluff! Ah, and you were probably playing cards, and he cheated!

FROTHY April 2, 2012 at 12:50 am

TEENAGE slave rape, at that. Geez. Add the overtones of incest, as in, half-sisters who, apparently, looked VERY MUCH alike, extra creepiness factor. Ew.

Mapmonger April 2, 2012 at 10:43 am

Band name dibs on "TEENAGE SLAVE RAPE."

AlterNewt April 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I don't know. They seem like a nice couple.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Is the Mormon Church going to posthumously marry Strom Thurmond and Carrie Butler now too?

smashedinhat April 1, 2012 at 2:16 pm

There is something profoundly unnatural about the mormon practice of marrying dead people regardless of their rationale. And a Palin wedding pretty much speaks for itself.

wood50 April 1, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Help me out on this, guys.
Is cotton the appropriate gift for Tommy and Sally's next anniversary?

Biff April 1, 2012 at 2:43 pm

That depends on what the cotton content of USAmerican currency is.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Does Cotton Mather any more?

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Sure, because of the Law of Conservation of Mather.

George Spelvin April 1, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Wait, wasn't this post originally about Dark Mather?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Gin is the next Anniversary.

heathenette April 1, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Hemp?

Arken April 1, 2012 at 2:20 pm

What happens if Mormons posthumously baptize someone who turns out to be alive after all?

Biff April 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I think it means they're gay?

SorosBot April 1, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Someone check out if they've baptized Tupac Shakur.

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm

The person owes them 10% of his/her income since age 18.

George Spelvin April 1, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It invokes a Monty Python scene?

FROTHY April 2, 2012 at 12:51 am

ROBERT ANTON WILSON LIBEL!!

LettucePrey April 1, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Does this mean those crazy kids Sid and Nancy can finally make it work in the afterlife? How about Tom Cruise and Cher?

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Sorry LP, I used Sid and Nancy in a subthread above. My bad…Great minds….Read the comments before you comment…

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ April 1, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Yes, I now better understand the appeal of re-electing the Muslim. Mormons are fucking batshit crazy weird.

BlueStateLibel April 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Ha ha, Editrix, you think I don't know an April Fool's Joke when I see one? We are supposed to believe Mormons would actually do something as pointless and offensive as marrying dead people to each other? Good one though.

DerrickWildcat April 1, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I think it would be good if Golda Meir got a good Baptizing.

DerrickWildcat April 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Another good person to Baptize would be John the Baptist.

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I wonder if that would automatically baptize all the people he baptized too. It would be a real time-saver.

CapnFatback April 1, 2012 at 8:01 pm

It'll be the Faberge Shampoo of baptisms!

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:00 pm

fap fap fap

George Spelvin April 1, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Recursive baptism ftw!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:04 pm

The Baptism Ouroborous

starfanglednut April 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

After torturing a thief.

DerrickWildcat April 2, 2012 at 6:01 am

Hahaha, John the Baptist was never baptized!
You are all wrong!

C_R_Eature April 2, 2012 at 6:05 am

Well, isn't it about time?

Honestly, these procrastinators drive me nuts.

Biff April 1, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Who knows, those two crazy kids just might make it.

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:41 pm

♪ ♫ It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well,
You could truly see the Monsieur loved the Mademoiselle. ♪ ♫

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I cannot wait until President Mittens start issuing mandates to baptize all the dead Chicago voters.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm

And all the Dead Presidents. Especially all the ones he has hidden away in the Caymen Islands.

fuflans April 1, 2012 at 8:14 pm

me personally, i don't want the dead presidents to vote. i want them to collectively smack the baggers and kick 5-4 in the ass.

especially any of the dead presidents that wore wigs and breeches and shit.

FakaktaSouth April 1, 2012 at 2:47 pm

What if Sally had started dating someone on the (other) side? Do you just get snatched up into another Mormon plane after the ceremony? What if Jefferson's first wife doesn't wanna hang out with the chick Tommy was raping/knocking up on Earth? This heaven sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:58 pm

No, it's Theology, which is Complicated. That's why we have priests to explain it all to us.

"Mormon planes." Do they use DC-8's like Xenu, too?

Biff April 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Mittens is hoping for a Boeing VC-25.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Sorry, that one's reserved for at least the next 4 1/2 years

An_Outhouse April 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Whatever will fit in Mittens garage complex.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:44 pm

One of those nice Navy planes with the foldy wings. It has to get down the elevator, after all.

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Imagine Liz Taylor's dilemma. We need parallel heavens.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:50 pm

With all those husbands, Good thing there's a Multiverse.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 2:47 pm

That's his Secret Plan to win the election. Sssshhhhh!

LetUsBray April 1, 2012 at 3:04 pm

So, what you're saying is that Thomas Jefferson was morally weak.

BarackMyWorld April 1, 2012 at 3:16 pm

More proof Mormons lead boring lives: posthumous ceremonies are what they do for fun.

Imagine if Mitt wasn't a Mormon…he'd burn through that $250 million so fucking fast…

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Humans have Navels. Does Mormon God have a Navel?

Why does Mormon God have a Navel?

weej_FukuiKatie April 1, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Because the Rethuglican Speaker is an orange?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Now, you're just guessing. Boehner's not even a Mormon! Yet.

Biff April 1, 2012 at 3:32 pm

A question worthy of contemplation, for sure.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Contemplate, but Don't Touch. Bill Cosby warned us about that:

Bill Cosby's "Kindergarten"

"I was playing with my navel ([deep voice] oh, navel, navel). My mother said, 'Alright, keep playing with your navel, pretty soon you're gonna break it wide open the air's gonna come right out of your body and you'll fly around the room backwards for 30 seconds, land and you'll be flat as a piece of paper with just your little eyes buggin out.' I used to carry band-aids around with me in case I had an accident."

ttommyunger April 1, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Dibbs on Halle Berry when the time comes….

weej_FukuiKatie April 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

How's 'bout Lena Horne fellow veteranated olde?

ttommyunger April 1, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Dorothy Dandridge?

trampndirtdown April 1, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Eartha Kitt rrrraaarh.

ttommyunger April 1, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Cool Kitty!

redarmyzombie April 1, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Oooooh! I just might swing the other way for that!

commiegirl April 1, 2012 at 10:56 pm

And allllll herrrrr discarrrrrded mennnn.

commiegirl April 1, 2012 at 11:19 pm
AlterNewt April 1, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Dammit!

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:44 pm

In that case, ttommy, I'll take Eugene Debs.

ttommyunger April 1, 2012 at 9:30 pm

sounds fair.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Good luck having to deal with all of the husbands before you.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 2, 2012 at 1:54 am

Yeah … I wonder how the Mor(m)ons sort things out, when it comes time for the zombie wedding of gals like Liz Taylor.

imissopus April 2, 2012 at 2:08 am

Zombie Richard Burton would like you to pour him a bourbon and shut the fuck up, Martha.

ttommyunger April 2, 2012 at 10:32 am

…to say nothing of the numerous fucker-in-laws. Fortunately I am neither impatient or jealous; that thing will stretch a mile before it tears an inch, and pussy takes no time at all and you're all caught up again.

maw2 April 2, 2012 at 9:43 am

Now THAT'S funny!!!

ttommyunger April 2, 2012 at 10:33 am

But I was being serious. You mean it's all a hoax?

An_Outhouse April 1, 2012 at 3:41 pm

If I was a Mormon, and because they can have multiple spouses, I would marry everybody to everybody. All problems in history solved.

Biff April 1, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Hold on there, Outhouse–this is a patriarchy, here. Menfolk are allowed as many wives as they want, but woe-men only get ONE ol' man, no matter how good they are in the sack.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Are there Marital Aids in Mormon Heaven?

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Oh thank you Mormon Jesus, can I please get dead married to this man?
http://www.sabotagetimes.com/people/robert-capa-t

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I always thought he was the Coolest of the Cool. Imagine what he would with an entire Mormon Planet!

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I have loved him since I saw a photo of him in Time-Life , in my school library, when I was 13. I know he died before I was born, but I think he is my dream man and life's companion.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I can see that. What's a little Time between friends, eh?

Doktor StrangeZoom April 1, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Capa? I dunno, I always thought "it's a Wonderful Life" was mawkish and sentimental….

(Edit: Yes, I DO pretend to think that Claude Levi-Strauss made blue jeans, too)

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Once when I was in Madrid, I happened upon a huge museum exhibit all about Capa. I knew about him already, but seeing the original prints and memorabilia in Madrid made it extra special. Sorry to tell you, I Mormon-married him that day, so if you're going to horn in, you'll have me as a sister-wife. I think we can make it work, but you'll have to behave because I'm bigger than you.

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 5:37 pm

In what way bigger? Taller, fatter, vaginally?

James Michael Curley April 1, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Capra's photos galvanized me as a kid in the early 60's. When a well off relative was willing to buy me a camera (because he thought I had talent) he asked the photo shop owner what was the best and the Hasselblad C had just come out. I rejected it and chose an out of date Contax because that was what Capra used.

But as for the legacy of World War II and D-Day especially; Russ Meyer shot most of the film footage which survives. He was an Army fotog who landed with an Army unit on Omaha. He was particularly skeptical that if he piled his cans into the landing barge that was returning with the film from the unit, he would not get credit for his work. He didn't and the barge went down leaving his film as almost the only surviving film (some couple hundred feet from a GI surfaced a few years ago.) Meyer went all the way to Germany with the 2nd Armored Div and is credited as shooting the iconic film of Patton standing up in the jeep and shouting "I'm going straight to Berlin and personally shoot that paperhanger."

Russ didn't have the pretty face and lived to 2004/5 and his war exploits get overshadowed by his half century of 'Nuddies', yep, that Russ Meyer.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 1, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Beyond the Omaha Beach of the Ultra-Vixens was a hell of a good movie.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:42 pm

"Fuehrer, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" was a commercial failure, but I liked it.
I think it was Ilsa's Tits.

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 10:30 pm

MrLimeylizzie was the Production Designer on 'Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS' he still speaks of that woman's breasts with awe, not her acting so much.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Awesome story. I'd never heard of him, but the recounting of shooting at the beach, and then a darkroom tech screwing up his film is incredible. “es una cosa muy seria”

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 7:13 pm

He was amazing, his brother was also a photographer, Cornell Capa.

BarackMyWorld April 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

OT: Ok, seriously folks… TELLING EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK YOU'RE PREGNANT ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY ISN'T FUNNY WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT, TOO.

fuflans April 1, 2012 at 8:11 pm

facebook. where anything of any interest to interesting people goes to die.

snoopyfan2010 April 1, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Guess what…..I'm ……oh,never mind. Stupid joke.

Maman April 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm

My dear Wonkette, you aren't dissing a founding father, are you? Because that would make you a commie! what? oh never mind…

barto April 1, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Damn there wasn't a peep of coverage on "E!" and very little on "Thomally" and their sexy times AFAIK. That channel is starting to really suck.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

As a successful plantation owner, I can afford to keep several wives. Isn't that bigamy?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:18 pm

That's a bigamystery.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:12 pm

If you should marry an African-Italian, be sure to have the wedding outside under a bigga tree.

ElPinche April 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I think we should throw Brigham Young a gay bar mitzvah .

weej_FukuiKatie April 1, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I can think of other places to throw ol' Brigham but our dear Editrix wants us to cut back on that sort of thing. Sorry Neuter, no can wish for a Saintly speed bump fer yer campaign bus.

ElPinche April 1, 2012 at 10:41 pm

We're on page 2 on a Sunday and she's probably on her eighth martini right about now. I say we gently parachute onto rusty chainsaw island tonight.

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Ok, as long as you don't bring 'em young to a Catholic rectory.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

So, do we have to get dead-married to someone from our own era, or everyone that we boned without virtue of marriage in real life? Because if it's the former, dibs on Dorothy Parker. And if it's the latter, is there any way to just fast forward to my own planet without bringing along the crazy recovering coke fiend from 1991?

deanbooth April 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a marriage out of my ass!
Again?!

iburl April 1, 2012 at 6:05 pm

I think Rocky and Bullwinkle should be force-married by the mormons too. (Rocky's a girl, right?)

Doktor StrangeZoom April 1, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Nothin' up my sleeve…'ceptin' this magic underwear…

Barrelhse April 1, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Oops- wrong ass!

Advn2rgirl April 1, 2012 at 8:24 pm

That trick never works!
(I think you should use a bigger ass.)

NYNYNYjr April 1, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I just completed a very complicated Wiccan ceremony marrying Brigam Young and Joseph Goebbels. Congratulations you crazy lovebirds. Enjoy Wiccan hell!

doloras April 2, 2012 at 5:43 am

Wiccan Hell just means getting reincarnated as a gerbil up Richard Gere's ass.

Wadisay April 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm

On a positive note, given a broad reading of LDS church doctrine on the subject of "having sex with", I could end up married to Farah Fawcett Majors in the afterlife.

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Circa 1973 I hope.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Just don't let her bring any matches to bed with her.

LiberalMantra April 1, 2012 at 4:40 pm

When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will get married…huh?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Apologies if someone's already posted the Mitt's Mormon Heaven Video, but:

The Mitt's Mormon Heaven Video.

Buckminster April 1, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Aww. Don't desecrate this with Mitt's name.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Sorry.

You know, us Wonketts think everything's funny.

trampndirtdown April 1, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Meg libel!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Meg's Breasts approved of this post.

gizdal April 1, 2012 at 5:39 pm

this is great, those hot mormons can take over our souls after we are dead and anoint us into Mormon territory, and then we can all have feisty sexy multiple mormon wives.
it's enough to cause me to vote for Mitt the Mormon. yowzah Jos. Smith and the angel Moroni – you bet, that's the dude's name who dropped off those Golden Tablets so we could mormonize the entire evil world of non-morms.

Barrelhse April 1, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I like Moroni and Cheese!
and a side of thrums.

BlueStateLibel April 1, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Considering the human population is usually about 50-50 male and female, how exactly is the multiple wives things going to work?

George Spelvin April 1, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I'm pretty sure it's SHUT UP THAT'S HOW!

Mort_Sinclair April 1, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Totally off-topic (after having up-fisted shitloads of posts on this thread), but THANK YOU REBECCA for adding content on the weekends! I used to despair over the drought that was Friday to Monday morning on this site, but no more! You need a life, but don't get one in a hurry. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Mort

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Seconded. No one needs another 2000+ comment post, or whatever disgusting picture Newell decides to torture us with all weekend.

ElPinche April 1, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Hear hear!!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I just performed a High Holy Pastafarian Rebaptism, Marriage and Beer ceremony, calling upon the GFSM to reach out with His Noodly Appendage and bring Joseph Smith into the One True Faith.

His Pastafarian name is now Colonel Angus and he's now married to the Exotic Dancer Meat Curtains McGee.

finallyhappy April 1, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Ramen, my brother- or my sister

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:10 pm

RAMEN, Noodly-Appendage Mate!

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Canigeta Limbaugh Ramen?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Dammit! Whereinhell was "Soup for Sluts" when I was in College?

Oh, yeah: LIMBAUGH RAMEN!

Advn2rgirl April 1, 2012 at 8:29 pm

But I thought he lost his commission and was no longer Col. Angus, and now just goes by his first name, Enal.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Well, that Is true. I had to petition The GFSM to restore his commission, as part of the deal. The paperwork was awful.

glamourdammerung April 1, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Interracial marriages are an offense in the Mormon Church that the offending parties blood needs to be spilled over. I am curious about whether that includes the people that married the partners.

randcoolcatdaddy April 1, 2012 at 5:53 pm

But the real burning question is whether they get to wear the magic underwear.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:02 pm

O/T: for anyone who owns a house and wants or needs to go Off The Grid, Tigerdirect is taking pre orders on These. Today only. Better hurry up, they'll Max out soon!

Barrelhse April 1, 2012 at 7:06 pm

I've got one, they aren't that great. The toast keeps burning.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Was it he Model A-5? I had to send mine back too. Kept surging and blowing out bulbs aroungd the house. All my hair fell out but, on the bright side,my tomatos got HUGE.

Barrelhse April 1, 2012 at 7:45 pm

I'll try it gdown in the basement grow room!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:04 pm

That's a good spot. Be careful, though: my friend's plants got so huge he couldn't get them up the stairs.

not that Dewey April 1, 2012 at 7:29 pm

At roughly $8M, it will pay for itself in only 8,000 years!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Well I, for one, plan on Mutating and sticking around.
The trouble is I'll be the one who'll be responsible for finding a secure landfill for it and not just leaving it for future generations.

not that Dewey April 1, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I was just thinking, as an afterthought, that the Kube will keep the lights on at the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant for almost one entire half-life.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 7:43 pm

As long as there's a security zone, it's all good. The Worker Mutants can get Grouchy sometimes

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Iran called, they'll take them all.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:06 pm

No! They're not for Export! The NRC forbids it. Absolutely not!

*whispering* We'll move them through Kazakhstan.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Gnerates 50 years of power? Wasn't it just a few years ago that Karl Rove said that the Republiklans would be in power for a hundred years? Guess he should have waited for these cubes to come onto the market before opening his fat yap.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Pffft! Karl and his Hundred Year Reich. As if they could keep their shit together for 10 years. Or months.
I'd like to stick two of these right down his pants and flash bake his Yarbles for him.

a_pink_poodle April 1, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Well it's "until death do you part" so I don't see how this would affect Thomas Jefferson's afterlife relationships one bit.

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 6:12 pm

He will be one fucking, lucky, handsome, roguish, talented zombie!

rocktonsam April 1, 2012 at 6:37 pm

where are Tom and Sally registered at?

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Dead, Wrath, and Beyond?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:55 pm

WIN

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Best Buy.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:44 pm
imissopus April 2, 2012 at 12:16 am

Target…er, I mean Surveyor's Marks.

poorgradstudent April 1, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Even if you ignore the whole "Sally was a slave which really complicates the whole idea of 'consent' at the very, very least" element, it's still a pretty shitty thing to do to marry Jefferson to anyone other than the wife he clearly loved and whose death by all accounts caused him to have a mental breakdown. Do the people who did this know anything about Jefferson's actual life, or do they just think he should be married to the last person he did the deed with 'cause sex is dirty?

Seriously, fuck the Mormons. It's not enough that they have to stop people who love each other in life from getting married, apparently they gotta do the same in the afterlife as well.

Chet Kincaid April 1, 2012 at 7:39 pm

It's the thought that counts.

Barrelhse April 1, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Mormons? Aren't they that "religious" cult in Utah? They seem to be having a pretty good time playing these silly little games. How amusing for them, all the pretending and giggling!

Chet Kincaid April 1, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Fuck that noise, I believe I'll go with the Nation Of Islam's insane, made-up cosmology. If Yakub hadn't created white people 6,000 years ago, you'd all be black and happy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yakub_(Nation_of_Isl

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Too many Numbers for me. It's just confusing when you're drunk.

George Spelvin April 1, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Makes about as much sense as Mormonism.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Speaking of the Nation of Islam, I just saw two of them yelling holy hell on a nearby streetcorner passing out their papers. Never have I heard them so loudly.

doloras April 2, 2012 at 5:46 am

As-salaam alaikum, my brother!

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 9:49 am

And Los Angeles Lakers to you!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 7:20 pm

OK, now, to everybody who thinks that Pastafariansim is just some made-up joke religion or something…
Here's a 1957 BBC documentary of an early Pastafarian Farm Commune.

Now stop sending me those harassing emails!

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 7:54 pm

The spaghetti weevil is no joke!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:02 pm

It really caused a lot of heartache. Hundreds of people left the Faith the next year.

BlueStateLibel April 1, 2012 at 9:14 pm

The beer ceremony part sounded certainly sounded good.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:26 pm

It really is. Nowadays, we also have Pirates, which makes it really fun.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 9:29 pm

I am a follower of the FSM and have read his gospel. I am particularly looking forward to the strippers and the beer volcanoes in heaven! May you be touched by his noodly appendage.

rAmen brother and/or sister!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:46 pm

RAMEN to you, Partner Organism in Pasta! May His Noodly Appendage guide you safely through life's vicissitudes and may your Piracy be fruitful.

May your Heavenly Reward be foamy with volcanic beer and your Celestial Pirate Ship be fully staffed with the most talented strippers.

It's good to have Pastafarian friends here. It gets lonely sometimes, when strangers laugh at the colander on my head.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I make beer for a living, so you could say that i am a high priest of the FSM.
Did you change your name? Did you used to be a scaley creature that I had the hots for?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:59 pm

You're so perceptive. This is my High Holy Prank Day Avatar. Just for April 1st.

If you make Beer for a living, you are clearly my Newest Best Friend.

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 10:07 pm

ramen, bro…ramen.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:15 pm

May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage and may your Fridays be full of the Holy Foamy Beverage.

not that Dewey April 1, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Old Joe did as he said he would
took all the shopping carts from the mall
and took them to Utah,
which was Zion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQVJ_AGWRTk

Chet Kincaid April 1, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Riverworld is a hell of a lot more fun than Mormon heaven, I declare it the true religion!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riverworld

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:27 pm

I like it. Caesar Augustus would piss me off, but I could get into cruising with Sam Clemens on the Riverboat.

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 10:32 pm

I think "Riverdance" is the one true religion.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:56 pm

A big improvement over Geraldo Riveraworld.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I'm hoping that when Mitt goes to his Just Reward, This will be his Just Reward.

Hey, his Very Own Planet and Lots and Lots of Wives. Forever.

Barrelhse April 1, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I imagine I'll go to Hell, which for me would entail an Eternity selling admission tickets to the Creation Museum and having to bullshit with the customers.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:11 pm

And the Religious-themed Musak. The horrible, horrible Musak.

If I believed in Hell, mine would involve several horrid and excruciating scenarios, one of which would be having to watch this very Congress on CSPAN in a Clockwork Orange chair, forever.

EDIT: and there would be Clowns.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:59 pm

EDIT: and that goes without saying.

P_R_Angster April 2, 2012 at 5:33 am

EDIT: ….but I repeat myself.

BarackMyWorld April 1, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Romney staff plays April Fools’ Day joke.

No, they did tell him he was ahead in the polls…probably because that'd be too unbelievable.

glamourdammerung April 1, 2012 at 9:04 pm

I do not think that was a deliberate prank.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Now, that's funny! If Newt's staff did that no one would notice.

BarackMyWorld April 1, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I wonder if Mitt was thinking "Did I accidentally step into a Gingrich event?"

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I'll bet he did for a minute. Then he must have been relieved that flatulating blowhard wasn't there after all.

DahBoner April 1, 2012 at 8:48 pm

What's the difference between LSD and LDS?

One you come back to normal after 10 hours.

P.S. I'd tap that…

rickmaci April 1, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Why can't they just do these things in secret behind closed doors, as any other self respecting religious cult would?

Veritas78 April 1, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Just one more thing Ms. Hemings didn't have a say in.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Here I thought the LDS Church was an introverted church that just wanted to be left alone, and here they are gracelessly plodding all over everyone else's history and culture like some drunk girl at a party whose "song is on!". Didn't they get the memo? No, I'm asking, didn't they get the literal memo to stop this shit?

littlebigdaddy April 1, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Will they marry me and Penelope Cruz?

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 11:07 pm

OT: How's that "War on Women" workin' out for ya?
‘Huge shift’ among female voters gives Obama lead in battleground states
Obama campaign manager Jim Messina told USA Today that Romney’s promise to “end Planned Parenthood” and his support for allowing employers to exclude contraception from employee health insurance plans will cause him “severe problems” in the general election.

BarackMyWorld April 1, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Hey, everybody…Betty's husband made a crack about Romney on "Mad Men" tonight! Okay, he meant George Romney, but still…LOLZ.

BarackMyWorld April 1, 2012 at 11:48 pm

I figured out what that photo is from. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206951/

What do I win?

imissopus April 2, 2012 at 12:15 am

The first season of Alcatraz on DVD.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Yes, tomorrow's Monday and so I must fly. Go Forth and Multiply, but only with acceptable strains. Don't hesitate to give out Dope Slaps where appropriate. Make them Fear you. It will help.

60,000 gallons would be a good start, for a Beer Volcano.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 11:59 pm

rAMEN brother. Fight the good fight and I will do the same.

CH3CH2OH

glamourdammerung April 2, 2012 at 1:06 am

The picture in the article does bring up an interesting point. Jefferson and the Antichrist are apparently the same person.

doloras April 2, 2012 at 5:47 am

And he's a New Zealander.

glamourdammerung April 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Which is pretty much Kenya.

WonkCynic April 2, 2012 at 1:32 am

If the Mormons are going to post humously marry people that were already married, maybe they could marry King George III to Martha Washington, and in turn marry George Washington to Queen Charlotte. Then we dum ass Americans could be even more confused about which dead old fucker and his wife to worship as our founding fucker.

Schmegeg April 2, 2012 at 1:45 am

Now if they can figure out a way to tell my dad the numbers from Friday's lottery, then he can put them in his Will, and I can be very flush indeed. Temporal Paradox – Mormon style.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 2, 2012 at 4:49 am

What's the deal with the LDS and Caligua's horse?

P_R_Angster April 2, 2012 at 5:42 am

Allright, just who did they marry Caligula's horse to? That's disgusting!

It's good to see you back, Fukui.

Fukui-sanYesOta April 2, 2012 at 5:50 am

I honestly didn't expect anything like the love I got from people here.

Anyway, wtf are you doing with Edmund Blackadder?

C_R_Eature April 2, 2012 at 5:59 am

I think there's a lot of good people here. Also, Empathy is one of the things that separates Us from Them. I do wish you the best and meant every word.

I just threw Edmund up for now, as I had a special High Holy Prank Day Avatar with a face that definitely needed to be replaced before someone noticed. Just seemed like "Trust Me" definitely went with this countenance eh?

not that Dewey April 2, 2012 at 10:07 pm

They did it for Shorts; they did it for Weejee; they did it for Owls & me; they did it for Radio and they did it for DoktorZoom. I must be forgetting a dozen other cases. There's no reason they wouldn't do it for you. I know that there's nothing we can say about the one thing; I've only had attempts in my family (and plenty of them), but that's unfamiliar territory to me. But we've all had loved ones in Mrs Fukui's situation.

My mother keeps telling me that religiosity is inevitable. That as I get closer to mortality, I will eventually adopt her religious worldview. I tell her that I am extremely comfortable with my secularism. I've gotten through divorce (100% rate in my family, except for me & Mrs D), the deaths of loved ones, joblessness, destitution, deprivation, miscarriage, the list goes on…my secular humanism has always got me through it.

Lean on us.

Chet Kincaid April 2, 2012 at 9:48 am

Seabiscuit. Oh wait, no, Secretariat.

C_R_Eature April 2, 2012 at 6:10 am

Well. it looks like it's really not a cruel April Fools joke. Sarah Palin is, in fact, going to be Hosting the Today show on Tuesday.

So, pre-emptively: This.

tessiee April 2, 2012 at 9:35 am

"The Mormons did wait until 1991 to baptize Hemmings — probably because black people weren’t allowed to be Mormon until 1978."

It's OK; they also posthumously declared her white.

Dudleydidwrong April 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

I'm just getting back to the sane world after some necessary (and fucking) expensive traveling, so if this has been said before, I apologize. But the Moron Church can marry whomever they please, but if they could just marry Romney to reality we would all be better off.

owhatever April 2, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Dear Mormons: Stay the fuck out of my life and death.

FlownOver April 1, 2012 at 3:32 pm

…as The Beaver.

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I think it was a physical proof of the non-existence of Increase Mather.—

Chichikovovich April 1, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Probably, but he did create a Rick Santorum who says things so cement-headedly stupid that even He can't believe his ears.

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Honestly, no. He made a rock to big for him to pick up and it dropped on the microwave.

Dashboard Buddha April 1, 2012 at 4:23 pm
flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Geminisunmars April 1, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I don't think it mathers.

FlipOffResearch April 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Transom masturbation?

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

He had me up until including himself as one of the "best and brightest."

Millennial Malaise April 1, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Indeed, the existence of Rick Santorum – and his attendant wealth and power – is proof enough for me that God's on permanent vacation.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

If a Santorum says "nigg…" in the woods, are there any base-voters to hear it?

Swampgas_Man April 1, 2012 at 4:52 pm

In the words of Tom Waits, "God's away on business."

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 5:17 pm

In addition, "Jesus thinks you're a Jerk.":

trampndirtdown April 1, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Yes but He's big in Japan.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Only if it's on CSPAN. FOX will be showing 24-7 coverage of the Mega Millions Jackpot.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:05 pm

That is a huge plus! Nerdy Sons just end up getting into trouble every week and sometimes you have to send out an Aweigh Team to drag their asses home. A definite turn-off.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I am Honoured.

It's the BALLS, isn't it?

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Planet Car Roof is where the bad people end up, beshitting themselves for eternity.

RadioFukui April 1, 2012 at 6:19 pm

He did eye rape me with his sublime performance in Nights in Rodanthe

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 6:23 pm

365 days of 24/7 video surveillance from multiple simultaneous angles should suffice. Probably.

Doktor StrangeZoom April 1, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Yeah, but eventually they may become kick-ass bloggers and redeem themselves.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I think you're right about that!

Fare la Volpe April 1, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Worse. According to official Mormon doctrine, white people are angels who were on the side of good during Lucifer's uprising. Demons are angels who stood with Lucifer. Black people are angels who were too cowardly to pick either side, so God punished them with dark skin.

Also, American Indians were originally Israelites, but because they killed all their brothers, God cursed them with (you guessed it) dark skin.

See a trend?

Veritas78 April 1, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Stupidity?

snoopyfan2010 April 1, 2012 at 9:11 pm

And to think that dark skin also acts as a protective shield against the sun. I see how that is considered punishment. Ugh.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 8:06 pm
P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I want that sticker now, dammit!

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Not "bad," just lacking the life circumstance to be a venture capitalist with special underwear. But Planet Car Roof, yes.

ThundercatHo April 1, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Thank you. This remark has just caused me to make a very unladylike snorting sound.

Jukesgrrl April 1, 2012 at 9:15 pm

A+ for Wil. I learn something new every day hanging out with you weirdos.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:18 pm

That's just his OS getting into a logic loop. He's due for a Flash upgrade on Tuesday.

George Spelvin April 1, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Frisbeterian LIBEL!

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Would that circumstance be "a super-rich father's life-long business contacts and relationships with which to exploit"?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Yes, Will is doing real well and it's good to see.

Knowledge is Good, too and Lifelong Learning is Patriotic. Barry says so!

Thanks very much for the "weirdo" complement. It's nice to be appreciated.

George Spelvin April 1, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Or, as he was know to his friends, Mather++.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 9:50 pm

That's fun. A lot of people use Weddings as an excuse to engage in aberrant behavior, but sometimes it just happens. Both can be fun to watch.

Oh, and I guarantee that somebody barfed at some point. It just wasn't in front of an audience.

Designer_Rants April 1, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I know people get touchy about religion, but I was ranting like you about Catholicism (on Facebook), something like: "Vatican City Virgins interpreting some book a certain way, ('And lo, "Jesus told the people that estrogen pills were for prostitutes," and Jesus hates them sluts.')…" and someone got really offended. I guess that's why I come here to Wonkette. Less of that kind of outrage.

Loaded_Pants April 1, 2012 at 10:00 pm

That's probably true.
It was just cheap wine at the reception because, well, it was a hillbilly wedding. There were a few people who went out to their vehicles in the parking lot to sip some harder stuff (me and the bf included).

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Good thing Bristol wasn't there. You would really have seen some action!

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Was there any meth to the madness?

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Ah, I was too busy drinking beer at church today to notice what day it was. I should clarify; I am a microbiologist that works with beer, not a brewer. Small difference to most, big difference to brewers, whom I try not to piss off unless they are doing something incorrect, micro-biologically.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:33 pm

That's fun. I only saw it once, and then only parts of it and it was clear that she wasn't hired for her acting expertise. She does make a pretty good cultural icon, though.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Oho, so you must fool around with Saccharomyces, then! I think that's even cooler.Bacterial Contaminants are decidedly Uncool, though.

I've been all over the map, from Field to Lab to Office but I've grown stuff too. Everything I've grown, with a few notable exceptions has been decidedly Macro-biological in nature, though.

We're teaming up with Papoon in a One Organism One Vote registration drive. You should sign up your Micros!

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Microbiologist? I'm sorry, but we don't serve micros here.

Limeylizzie April 1, 2012 at 10:38 pm

We have the original poster, well actually the French one, in our living-room which can be a bit disturbing to some!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:42 pm

"Brilliant! Truly Disturbing."
-Dieter

redarmyzombie April 1, 2012 at 10:46 pm

"Don't ask me what Mama Cass is doing here either. I have no idea."

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 10:50 pm

i will sign up my 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000? or so yeast cells. I will not tell the pediococcus or lactobacillus because they are stupid bastards who probably vote republican along with spoiling beer. And those wild yeast can go fuck themselves. Literally.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:51 pm

"Don't speak to her, and don't give up your sandwich whatever your do. Come over here and look at this pretty wallpaper. See, it's moving by itself!"

Barb April 1, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Had Mama Cass given Karen Carpenter half of her sammich they would both be alive today.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 10:53 pm

*rimshot*

A tip o' the hat to Rodney Dangerfield.

MosesInvests April 1, 2012 at 11:03 pm

That's the sole criterion, no?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Cool! I'll send you the forms – they only have to make Their Mark and you can witness.
Don't bother with those pedi- and lacto guys. The last thing we need are more brainless parthenogenic Republican voters.
have you ever tried to get Wild Yeasts to do anything at all? They're always off partying with the Vikings. I kind of half don't blame them, though. Mead is good.

flamingpdog April 1, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Dude(tte), does this mean we're gettin' a late Sunday night blog post, or are ya just slummin'?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 11:06 pm

I think it definitely tips the scales.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Plus, everyone knows that God isn't a Blah.

Am I making you all nervous?

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Of course he's Blah. His son was Blah. Explain that one.

Nervous? Nah, I'm good. I am wearing a Hoodie, though. Are you nervous, now?

EDIT: Not the NRA Hoodie with the concealed-carry pouch. 'cos that would make everyone nervous.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Don't blame the vikings. It's the fucking Belgians to blame for the wild yeast and the pedio and the lacto and everything. Fucking Belgians.

commiegirl April 1, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Nah mang. Mama's FRIIIIIED. NO POSTS FOR YOU!

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 11:20 pm

It's those godawful Belgan Monks that really screwed things up. they would all just have stayed in their place, quietly copying manuscripts, praying and weeding the garden a little. But nooooo, they have to go and fool around with Biology! Who did they think they were? Gregor Fucking Mendel?

ThundercatHo April 1, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Absolutely fabulous.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 1, 2012 at 11:30 pm

See, that's just pissing me off. How anyone could know that much about genetics but that little about aseptic technique is beyond me. If most Belgian brewers had lived in Germany they would have been chased out of town for their beer, at the least. Or maybe that's just the German/Austrian in me coming out. I still contend that most Belgian beer originated from a brewer (monk or not) who eventually just said "fuck it, this is as good as I can do." Obviously you've touched one of my beer nerd nerves.

P_R_Angster April 1, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Obviously!

I've jumped through hoops to try to maintain sterile cultures and I also do a bit of home brewing so I feel your pain. Those monks used to open brew beer in the spider and toad infested basements!
I'm sure at some point they just said "Fuck it! I'm getting alcohol, that's as good as it needs to be."
Belgian yeast forest beer is pretty much the only stuff I don't like.

BigSkullF*ckingDog April 2, 2012 at 12:00 am

It's not the size, its how I uze it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!1!!1!

FROTHY April 2, 2012 at 12:48 am

Great. This is what I have to look forward to? RMONEY flashing us on Tuesday?

Jukesgrrl April 2, 2012 at 12:56 am

Last time I saw Wil was on the series Leverage.He was good in it but I wouldn't have known it was him had I not seen his name on the credits.Once I knew, though, the voice sounded the same.

flamingpdog April 2, 2012 at 1:22 am

Awwww, now I haz the sadz. I've always been a hard rocker type, but Karen Carpenter was (and is) my secret guilty pleasure. Anorexia sucks.

P_R_Angster April 2, 2012 at 5:39 am

He was on "Leverage"? I missed that one but that's really cool.
It must have been nice not having to drive.
A starship.

tessiee April 2, 2012 at 9:43 am

Apparently, he does get some respect.

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