MURRRRRRRDER  1:04 pm March 30, 2012

Former Celebrity Apprentice Contestant Jose Canseco Accidentally Murders Poor Al Gore

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Old, dumb, not full of comeIt seems like maybe Jose Canseco is not that smart of a guy. (And no, Magic Johnson is probably not going to hire him at 1B for the new, improved, mostly-McCourt-free Dodgers.) HOWEVER! He is very sweetly (and dumbly) Twitzing away with cool ideas for how to reduce your energy bills and save the world at the same time! Also, he accidentally murdered Al Gore.

Has anyone ever seen Jose Canseco and Chuck Grassley in the same place at the same time?

[Grist]

 
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{ 103 comments }

nounverb911 March 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Recycled Cansecos = Soylent Green?

Baconzgood March 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm

IT'S MADE OF OAKLAND A's PEOPLE!

Mumbletypeg March 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Well at least we know who *not* to turn to for the task of murdering Chuck Grassley for butchering the English language.

Schmannnity March 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Put anabolic steroids in your furnace–increases efficiency by 38%.

teebob2000 March 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

"i has steeroids when i is yunger so i has a tiny peepee an ballsak now."

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 4:19 am

But, be careful, because furnace rage can be a bitch. Burn your whole house down, it will.

Not_So_Much March 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I liked him best when the baseball bounced off his head and over the fence. It was clearly a more severe impact than it appeard. RIP Hosay!!11!

bikerlaureate March 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Bone spur libel !

Baconzgood March 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

DAMN YOU Not_So_Much.

Not_So_Much March 30, 2012 at 1:40 pm

You're late to the party on my damnation. Think I locked that up during my college years…

DerrickWildcat March 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

He gets beat up on Pay Per View about every month.

bumfug March 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Was that last one Canseco or Borat?

Barb March 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Palin tweeted that she is concerned about global warming and wants to send 20,000 troops to the sun. What a maverick!

Fare la Volpe March 30, 2012 at 1:18 pm

That's a Common Cents Solution.

widestanceromance March 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm

She said they would not burn up because it would be a nighttime raid.

meatpuppet2 March 30, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Did she call the Sun a planet or a moon?

tihond March 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

This is almost as bad as the time Mark McGuire killed Sammy Sosa and replaced him with a white man.

Fare la Volpe March 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Michael Jackson libel!

Chet Kincaid March 30, 2012 at 2:54 pm
randcoolcatdaddy March 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Polar bears? Oh, meant beers.

Preferred Customer March 30, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Polar beer is good beer. At least, it seemed that way to me when I was 18 and on spring break. It was probably terrible.

Fare la Volpe March 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Who?

Chet Kincaid March 30, 2012 at 2:58 pm

This is a sports blog, not a mommie blog!!

Mahousu March 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

"Recycle morons" = Republican presidential primary process.

Baconzgood March 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Not very coherent twats…Maybe that infamous "home run off the head" ball hit him in the noggin a little too hard.

Fare la Volpe March 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Technically Canseco will be right in the future. He's just ahead of his time.

SecretMuslin March 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Is he wearing that shirt to lower his body temperature during waking hours?

MissTaken March 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

He does look a titty bit nipply in that shirt.

donner_froh March 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm

No need to "reduce, recycle, reuse morons" since there is an infinite supply of them. People who vote in Republican primaries are just the tip of the moronic iceberg.

Baconzgood March 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Are polar bears sorted with cans or plastics?

ChernobylSoup March 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I compost mine. You should see what it does for my azaleas.

RedneckMuslin March 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Mix them with spotted owls and watch your tomatoes grow.

Redhead March 30, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Can someone please pass the "turn off ALL your home heat at night" tip on to the snowbilly grifter clan?

… I just want to see what happens…

RadioStalingrad March 30, 2012 at 1:10 pm

K

weej_bain March 30, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Moar like this, with the bat still on his shoulder.

RadioStalingrad March 30, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I didn't know how to do a backwards "K".

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 4:21 am

T

SorosBot March 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

"al gore was a head of his time" – so wait, Canseco decapitated him?

MissTaken March 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Well the head does give off most of one's body heat, so maybe he was just helping him live 20% longer?

SorosBot March 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

And you were complaining about all the cold weather out in SF lately; you'll appreciate the extra years when you get to them.

bureaucrap March 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm

If you watch Futurama (as I do, religiously), you'd know that Al Gore's head makes regular cameo appearances to denounce global warming or plug holes in the space-time continuum. Plus his head is in a transparent glass jar, which lowers its temperature so it will live 20 % longer.

boobookitteh March 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

O/T, but I like to imagine Ted WIlliams' head in a Futurama jar.

DetectiveGrey March 30, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Most people compete in The Game with swords. Canseco uses a baseball bat.

Maman March 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Would that shirt pass the muster at 7-11? It seems to run contrary to the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" mantra.

C_R_Eature March 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Jose Canseco
@josecanseco

Why can't we use rockets to send all the Morons up into the Moronosphere?

Steverino247 March 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Because UPS delivers to Bell County, TX.

C_R_Eature March 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Awright, now that's funny!

SorosBot March 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Anabolic steroids are a hell of a drug.

Antispandex March 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

A baseball player and a polar bear walk into a bar…

RedneckMuslin March 30, 2012 at 1:28 pm

The punchline ending: And the other one does Coke commercials.

SexySmurf March 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Green tip of the day: you can reuse the syringes you use to inject steroids into your ass to inject heroin into your cock.

Fare la Volpe March 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Reduce garbage! Share needles with friends!

boobookitteh March 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Jose Canseco's twitter feed is one of my most favoritest things in all the world.

He just wants to play baseball and hug you! He completes you!

bureaucrap March 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

He actually uses auto-complete to complete you. It's verbal steroids.

freakishlywrong March 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Jesus, this ignorant fuck has more smarts than most of our elected Republicks.

donner_froh March 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

"al gore was a head"

Hey man, Al's not here.

ttommyunger March 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Jose Canseco has a twitter account? OMG! Who knew? I am so following him, NOT.

DerrickWildcat March 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

He does lots of drugs. He is loser and can not be my friend or in my bicycle gang.
Why do you think they call it dope.

OneYieldRegular March 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

He's an eco-warrior now, but wait until he gets traded to play in Romney's basement.

WhatTheHeck March 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Anyone who has arms bigger than my thighs ain’t thinking straight.

sullivanst March 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

What an ignoranimus!

C_R_Eature March 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Yeah, and he even misspelled Moran!

sullivanst March 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Shouldn't that be "maroon"?

C_R_Eature March 30, 2012 at 1:30 pm

We'll have to run that one by the Judges.

metamarcisf March 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Jose once hired his twin brother to stand in for him during a celebrity appearance. He got away with it. Not.

Tundra Grifter March 30, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Not just a "celebrity appearance" – it was a boxing match.

Maybe Jose isn't so dumb after all.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 30, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Has anyone ever seen Jose Canseco and Chuck Grassley in the same place at the same time?

Aww, come on. At least the big lug's heart is in the right place.
~

La_Cieca March 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I can see that, actually.

Baconzgood March 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I only take environmental advice from Andy Van Slyke.

#18 RULZ!

el_donaldo March 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Morons? Clowns? Why is his living green advice so abusive?

Designer_Rants March 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Truth hurts.

MissTaken March 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Thanks to Jose I am finally complete.

Hug for u!

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ March 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Who is this?

Baconzgood March 30, 2012 at 1:29 pm

1988-MVP with 42HR 124 RBIs .307 Batting average? Ring any bells?

SorosBot March 30, 2012 at 2:01 pm

He's the one who missed the big softball game against Shelbyville because he was busy rescuing all of a woman's possessions from a fire.

LionHeartSoyDog March 30, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Busted for coke.
Ratted on his friends.

hagajim March 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Jose may be suffering from a traumatic brain injury from too many blows to the nogg…but he's hanging out with Playboy chicks so his life can't be all bad eh?

SayItWithWookies March 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Somewhere in America a pretty hefty lady is looking for her negligee.

Chet Kincaid March 30, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"Pretty hefty lady" is a Youporn category. Or so I am told.

rickmaci March 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Wonder if he recycled all the steroid bottles?

BornInATrailer March 30, 2012 at 1:28 pm

"Little bitty baby balls."

docterry6973 March 30, 2012 at 1:29 pm

It was self-defense I tell ya. Jose feared that Al was going to bore him to death.

elviouslyqueer March 30, 2012 at 1:29 pm

hole families used to sleep in one big bed and produce no waste how did we go from their to killing polar bears in 100 years

I want to make hot, sticky, and sweaty love to this tweet until its prostate begs for mercy.

pinkocommi March 30, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Jose Conseco tweeting about global warming makes me think there actually may still be hope for our world.

MissTaken March 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

hole families used to sleep in one big bed and produce no waste

Yeah morons! Don't shit in your hole, put the bed in it and make the family sleep in it together. For bears.

Designer_Rants March 30, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Hahaha! Do YOU have a twitter? I'd subscribe.

owhatever March 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

He "forgot" to wear a bra, and the ladyz swoon and take him home just to read his articles.

widestanceromance March 30, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I don't take no advice from men wearing sheer curtains (although I might take a hummer if he promised to not to speak).

Ruhe March 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Dude.

CapnFatback March 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

It was a matter of time before someone of Canseco's talent finally joined the 140/140 club.

proudgrampa March 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

What?

ElPinche March 30, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Caveman twatter talk kind of works out for him.

LiberalMantra March 30, 2012 at 1:53 pm

He's really gone batty, been out in sun too long I guess :/

clblabin March 30, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Well, I'm sick of only dead people getting to "rest in peace," anyway. Why can't Al Gore rest in peace, if he wants to? It's Friday.

Chet Kincaid March 30, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Bless his heart.

Chet Kincaid March 30, 2012 at 3:14 pm

puny humans hulk leap from city 2 city not waste jet fuel bying flight tix. save planet or hulk smash!!

Chet Kincaid March 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm

how hulk twitter on iphone when thumb wider than screen?! GAAAAAAAH!!!

AutomaticPilot March 30, 2012 at 4:38 pm

You know who else's initials were J.C.?????

smokefilledroommate March 30, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Al Gore, Steve Jobs, same person (to some well-meaning but roided-up motherfucker).

tweeksmom March 30, 2012 at 6:29 pm

That shirt is really, really gay.

iburl March 30, 2012 at 8:26 pm

If not for the enviro communist parts, I'd say we have a new GOP convention white knight.

gurukalehuru March 31, 2012 at 5:27 am

I totally agree with Mr. Canseco: Al Gore was a head of his time.

Negropolis April 1, 2012 at 4:24 am

Oh, Jose. Just go do a dude, already, and be happy. We get it, man.

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