kicks are for yids

Silly Jewishes, War Criminal Congressman Allen West Knows What Is Best For You (War)

Schlemiel! Schlemazel!Did you know that there are Jewish people who sometimes think that Israel is wrong — and some of those Jewish people actually live there? Also there is a group of liberal Jews* (what? Shut yo mouth!) in New York mostly, who do liberal things, like want peace, which is kind of a Jewish tradition. (Also: socialism and kugel.) But war criminal and Florida Congressman Allen West is having none of that! He knows what is best for Israel and its Jewishes, and that is never-ending war.

Here is Allen West on his MyFace page, being MyFacey:

Today on Capitol Hill there are lots of J-Street (Pro-Palestinian Jewish Organization) representatives, of course several have recognized me and wanted to chat. I just have to shake my head when these citizens ask me to believe in Iran and support a two-state solution. When I ask them if there is a willing peace partner on the other side, they respond by saying yes. When I ask them how does one negotiate with leaders who do not even recognize your existence, they respond with, you have to believe in them. Well, looks like I will have to save these people from themselves. I take a man at his word when he says he wants to kill me, I ain’t suicidal.

Our bold! Thanks, big strong Allen West, for saving us from our poor weak stupid Jew-ish selves. Apparently we are all women, not just the women! Of course, West isn’t saying anything all the evangelicals aren’t saying all the time (usually, like, Bachmann and shit), going on and on about how disagreeing with Israel is anti-Semitic (because they’d know) and they will be the ones to set the bounds for acceptable discourse regarding Israel, thank you very much! So guys, kinda fuck you. Wait wait! But what does Ghost Andrew Breitbart think?

The bottom line: Allen West loves Israel. J Street does not.

All that said, we bet Allen West does recognize when someone wants to kill him, that is true.

*Something something journalistic integrity: The half of Your Editrix’s family that is Jew-ish includes an uncle who got a J Street “L’Chaim!” award, or something; he sent us the video of the ceremony, but we only told him we watched it. Oh, and looking it up, we see that he is a co-chair of J Street’s PAC as well. Mazel! Anyway, all we ever paid attention to was that it was like AIPAC in Opposite Land, in that it was not full of dicks.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. anniegetyerfun

    I remember this game! It's the one where if you oppose war, the right wing asks why you hate your own country.

      1. SorosBot

        It's a Democratic president, really; remember how the Republicans also attacked Clinton for trying to go after that Osama bin Laden guy and his al Qaeda group. Well they were proven right, he was no real threat like Bill was making him out to be.

        1. glamourdammerung

          You have a point. Especially when Clinton got involved in ending "ethnic cleansing" while the Republicans were screaming and crying about that in addition to going on about Saddam somehow being "just like Hitler".

  2. Barb

    "But what does Ghost Andrew Breitbart think?"

    He probably thinks it sucks being the Devil's chew toy.

    1. C_R_Eature

      "But what does Ghost Andrew Breitbart think?"

      "FUCK, It's hot in here!"
      "Get away from me, you scaly, bat winged bastard!"
      "OW MY ASS!"

  3. elfgoldsackring

    He saw 300 and now he wants to 'fight' some oiled and harnessed Persian muscle men.

      1. CommieLibunatic

        I think some of us would prefer the Rule 63* version.
        (*for every character in fiction/non-fiction, there is a female version somewhere on the Internet.)

          1. sewollef

            Yes but, can you lick off that much oil? Not sure if my delicate stomach can take that much 95 octane, unrefined or not…

  4. nounverb911

    "But what does Ghost Andrew Breitbart think?"
    I'd rather be here than in Philadelphia.*

    *Apologies to WC Fields.

          1. flamingpdog

            You know Loraine Ballard? Yeah, I know, there are 3 million people in Philly and of course you know all of them, but that's been my stock first question for four decades to anyone who announces that they live in a town where I know one person.

          2. LesBontemps

            You'd be surprised how often that works around here. When all is said and done, Philly actually operates very much like a small town.

            Oh, and everyone knows Loraine Ballard.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      William Claude Fields' proposed epitath: On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

  5. Biel_ze_Bubba

    All this peace talk is just getting in the way of Alan West's psychosexual need to go out and bomp people into bloody bits, like his heroes Bush and Cheney did.

    1. flamingpdog

      I hear there's this Goerge guy in Sanford, FLA, who could use a good bomping. Can't be that big a drive.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Some typos really take the sting out of a message. (At least the dyslexic Wonketteers read it right.)

    1. SorosBot

      It is? They could have fooled me; those cats get nasty when another treads into their territory.

      1. MissTaken

        What? Have you ever seen Hello Kitty? She can't possibly be nasty since she doesn't even have a mouth.

  6. SexySmurf

    I just have to shake my head when these citizens ask me to believe in Iran

    Everyone knows Iran doesn't exist. Just like black Republicans.

        1. FROTHY

          (Hugs the AlterNewt, pats its slimy back)

          There, there. Just pour yourself a glass of the water of life and relax. Your mojo will be back by morning (at the latest).

      1. AlterNewt

        Apologies. Instead of "How did this happen?!", I might just as well have asked, "How did all these Sociopaths, Shitburgers, and FELONS get into office?"

        Edit: Political indigestion. I'm sure it will pass.

  7. hagajim

    I'm sure glad wingnut Allen West is here to save the Jewish folks from themselves. Grandstanding idiot.

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    According to Mr West if you keep stomping on the Palestinian heads long enough they will eventually come around to believing in Israel.

  9. RadioStalingrad

    You know who else had a sketchy military record, became a right wing politician, had peculiar grooming habits and had a complete misunderstanding of the Jews?

      1. RadioStalingrad

        Tx Lizzie, aside from the lulz, I learn so much from the Wonketz. And in this case three things:
        1. He said "You don't clear up a dungheap from underneath it" upon leaving after the war.
        2. In 2006 he was selected by the BBC History Magazine as the 20th century's worst Briton.
        3. WTF?

      1. MosesInvests

        To be fair to Netanyahu-and let me be quite clear, he's a right wing hack and the worst PM that Israel has ever had-his military record was far from sketchy. Not that he was a hero like his brother (the commander of the Entebbe rescue who was KIA), but he served honorably in the Israeli equivalent of the Green Berets. It's his political record that's sketchy.

  10. Doktor StrangeZoom

    It's just like Dances With Wolves, where Kevin Costner was far better at being an Indian than any of the Indians! Allen West's new name will be "Dances Like a Putz."

      1. SorosBot

        Kingsley is actually half-Indian and half-white-English, so he was partially appropriate; Wikipedia says his real name is Krishna Pandit Bhanji.

        1. FROTHY

          I'm well aware of that, dear. However, India has a HUGE film industry, some fine directors and actors (Om Puri, for example), and the INDIAN GOVERNMENT financed that fucking film with taxpayer money. So there was absolutely no need for them to find an ardha-shadha to play that role, when they could — and SHOULD — have tapped the enormous pool of available talent. It still makes me sick.

      2. flamingpdog

        Did you hear about the time Ben Kingsley was kidnapped right in front of his 6-month-old child? It was like stealing Gandhi from a baby!

  11. DaRooster

    This fucking guy will do ANYTHING to get a quote, acknowledgment, attention….

    Stop it you little piece of turd stuck on my shoe because it's raining and not a single piece of turd lets go once it is stuck to my shoe… God… if only the grass were more coarse and turd scrappingish…

    1. MosesInvests

      Patton also thought he knew what was best for the Jews (i.e., keeping them in concentration camps *after* the war).

  12. SorosBot

    "When I ask them how does one negotiate with leaders who do not even recognize your existence"

    Yet the Palestinians are still trying to negotiate with the Netanyahu government, ignoring West's advice.

  13. ttommyunger

    Allen West/Adam West; the only difference is that the latter intends to make a bumptious ass of himself.

    1. finallyhappy

      I just saw Adam West in an original Outer Limits- which has nothing to do with this but was 50 minutes better spent than listening to Allen West

  14. Chet Kincaid

    "If the frivolous-minded and haughty Debbie Wasserman-Schultz would only request it, I would safeguard her from all threats muslim and domestic. But she seems preoccupied with undermining the preeminence of my American virility!"

    (Redacted by West's ever-vigilant press aide)

  15. C_R_Eature

    יעדער נאר איז קלוג פאר זיך אלײן׃

    Every fool is clever to himself. Allan.

      1. MosesInvests

        I'm partial to savory kugels, myself. Although sweet kugels are great, too. Hell, there's no such thing as a bad kugel.

  16. mavenmaven

    Actually, the two state solution is what most Israelis believe is the better solution for Israel's survival, even on the right. It is the one state idea that theoretically is detrimental to the continuation of a Jewish state.

    1. doloras

      You can have a Jewish state covering all of Palestine or a democratic state covering all of Palestine. Not both.

  17. SheriffJoeBiden

    This reminds me of the time when I didn't give a shit what Allen West thinks of anything.

  18. a_pink_poodle

    Allen Weeeeest… Allen Weeeeest…
    Crispity… Crunchity…
    Where crazy goes to frolic freeeee…

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    these citizens ask me to believe in Iran

    You have to like Mr. West's foreign policy. After all, if you don't believe in Iran, it can't possibly get you!

  20. finallyhappy

    Damn J streeters- probably eat kitniyot during Pesach even if they are Ashkenaz. Me, I am going to spread my quinoa out and check every seed(not)

  21. C_R_Eature

    Do you thing that the Israelis ever get tired of all these Glittery-Eyed Americans running around with fistfuls of money and nudging their regional security affairs towards a catastrophic war which will devastate their whole country, so that the 2000 year old ghost of a Jewish freedom fighter Rabbi will magically come to life and force them all to convert to an alien religion, sending the ones who refuse down to eternal damnation?

    1. flamingpdog

      Glad I decided to read all the comments before posting. Did Allen West ever notice that the Bible condones slavery?

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm guessing they expect to win the battle, leaving the Xtards in the familiar position of being (a) puzzled, (b) disappointed, and (c) making plans for the next millenium.

      These people have taken the science of slow learning and, well, made a religion out of it.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Yup. That's pretty much it.

        The End of The World is Nigh Postponed.

        The all time champions of Slow Learning, Not learning and Refusal to Consider learning.

    3. Negropolis

      I honestly wish I coulsay that I belive the answer to that is an unequivaical "yes", but I can't. the power structure of both countries are always pushing right up to war for whatever reason, and the two don't care about the motives of one another so long as they benefit individually. Israel's power structure seems to not have any qualms about aligning itself with Christian dominionist so long as they get something out of it. Any stick to beat a horse, I guess. I feel bad for the Israeli people, because tall they want is what anyone else wants.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Yeah, I'm pretty cynical about the prospects for peace in the region any time soon. I've seen all the parties dance up to the finish line, only to be dragged back by radicals, too many times.

        There's no doubt that the Likudniks have worked the US very cleverly, allowing them almost free reign in the neighborhood. I think, though that even Benjamin Netanyahu is beginning to realize how much of a destabilizing force the Settlers and the End-Times Christian Religious Fanatics are.

        Really, taking their money and letting them strong-arm US Politicos is all well and good, but having to deal with these people running around stirring up fear, hatred and unrest has got to be too much to cope with.

        I honestly don't know how Biel_ze_Bubba puts up with having so many of them around.

    1. flamingpdog

      I'm sure the Israeli's look forward to a future of working in factories for 35 cents a day at the age of 12.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      It might work better than Debbie Wasserman-Schultz's "Send Allen West a Clue" mission.

  22. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I forget, is it the Jews with the horns that are the peaceniks? Or the ones with the stripes?

  23. gout

    Sometimes after a drink or seven or eight I write stuff on facebook and later realize that somebody could take it in a way that is really offensive rather than the clever and humorous way I intended it. I bet Allen West is just starting to realize that…oh right, never mind.

  24. Antispandex

    Allen West…didn't he play Batman in the 60's? No? Oh well, he sounds like he's what my Jewish babysitter used to call an asshole. Well, there was a better sounding yiddish word, but I forget.

  25. Designer_Rants

    When I ask them how does one negotiate with leaders who do not even recognize your existence, they respond with, you have to believe in them.

    Whaa? Wingnuts aren't just blindly believing in things anymore? Teaparty Jesus is not impressed.

  26. owhatever

    When Jews die, Mitt will have them re-baptized as Mormons, and Mister West can dance the dance of love. Which makes me wonder why the evangelicals are still Republicans. Catholic-man Santorum says they are not Christian enough, and Romney's desert tribe says their baptisms have to have a do-over.

    1. CthuNHu

      If I was a gutter-dwelling sadistic Nazi leprous pederast dickhead…or if I was Allen West's superior in every way…. but I repeat myself….

  27. elviouslyqueer

    Oy Allen! Your schlocky dreck isn't worth bupkis, you chozzerai meshuggener mamzer.

    1. MosesInvests

      EQ-love your posts, but please, let me correct your Yiddish. "Chozzeirischer meshuggener mamzer".

  28. fuflans

    here is a republican primary song:

    Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
    Make me a match,
    Find me a find,
    catch me a catch
    Matchmaker, Matchmaker
    Look through your book,
    And make me a perfect match

  29. WonkCynic


    Which head nigra in charge is the bigger Uncle Tom Zionist schill?

    A. Allen West
    B. Barry Soetoro
    C. Al Sharpton
    D. Jay Z

    You don't have to answer. Hell, You don't even need to approve the comment.

  30. HippieEsq

    As a Jew, a Washingtonian, and a Wonk, the only shock I feel at the moment is that it took Allen West this long to correct me for being a suicidal idiot.

    If J Street is "Pro Palestinian" then the Kadima Party is Hezzbolah.

  31. swordfis

    I'm so honored that a psychopathic idiot is so fond of us that he is willing to deny the stated policy of the Israeli government (2-state solution) in order to rescue us from our own cowardice. Why isn't he in prison for war crimes? Anyone know?

  32. elburritodeluxe

    Just like Iran realizes that Israel has hundreds of nuclear weapons pointed at them.

  33. Deportably_Jose
    When I ask them how does one negotiate with leaders who do not even recognize your existence, they respond with, you have to believe in them

    Good question, Allen; how indeed? I know: let's ask Republican presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich:

    "I think that we've had an invented Palestinian people who are in fact Arabs and who were historically part of the Arab community. And they had a chance to go many places, and for a variety of political reasons we have sustained this war against Israel now since the 1940s, and it's tragic,"

Comments are closed.