Eyes Wide ShutThe Pope and Fidel Castro met in Havana for what was apparently a fun contest to see which octogenarian could be more passive-aggressive. Fidel was all, yeah mang, saw you on the teevee, then played dumb about why the Mass had changed since he was a child (presumably Castro is aware of the Church’s liberalizing under Vatican II) and followed it with “so what does a Pope, you know, do?” Fidel, proud (former) head of an island nation of (nominal) Catholics is vaguely aware of your quaint little “church.”

The Rev. Federico Lombardi, a Vatican spokesman, described the meeting between the Holy Father and the father of Cuba’s communist revolution as “animated” and “colloquial.” He said that the pope told Castro how much he enjoyed visiting the island, and that Castro responded that he’d been following the pope’s trip on television.

The two men also spoke about world’s problems, the environment, and cultural and religious difficulties.


Castro asked the pope why the Mass has changed since he was a child and what specifically a pope does. They discussed economic problems and the pope talked about the challenges of religion being marginalized in society.

Castro brought up their similar ages.

Benedict responded: “I’m old, but I’m still able to do my duties.”

Oh snap, Nazi Pope!

Unfortunately, Cuba also spent a good portion of the week arresting “Ladies in White,” who are, er, ladies in white who demonstrate for the release of political prisoners. (Stop doing that, Cuba.) Your Editrix went to Cuba once, and her friend almost got arrested in the airport on the way in; it took days to figure out that it was because she was in fact dressed in all white, being in the uniform of “California lady of a certain age.” (We think they picked it up from Barbra Streisand back in the ’70s.)

The most surprising aspect of the meeting between Fidel and the Pope is that it only last 30 minutes. It usually takes Fidel that long to say hi. Judging by his body language in the clip below, though, it was one time Fidel didn’t care to talk at someone for 7 or 10 hours. He is almost supremely uninterested in paying his “respects.” Hahaha, fuckin’ Fidel, man. Like Zaphod Beeblebrox, he’s still the Most Important Man in the Universe.

[McClatchy/AP via Washington Post]

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  • Barb

    Pay attention Congress! Fidel let the Pope keep his hat on and listened anyway.

    • That's more a skullie than a hoodie, in fairness

      Oh wait, that's his actual head…

    • CivicHoliday

      once again winning the morning

    • Biff

      It's stapled on, so removal is problematic.

    • sewollef

      If you look closely at Herr Pope, I think you can see two little aerials poking out the back of his helmet. Is he listening to ESPN on the sly? The old bugger!

  • memzilla

    Two old dictators are old.

    • The_Trainman

      In a sense both are spiritual leaders, too. One helped make it possible for 11 million people to eat every day of their lives, the other for untold millions to starve.

      • jaytingle

        Stop that! Everyone knows Cuba is a repressive hellhole that offers no hope of relief. At least Guantånamo is like that.

  • Barb

    The Pope leaned in and in a whispered voice asked:

    Why did Marco Rubio leave Cuba?
    (three year pause)
    To flee you, Castro!

    Uh oh, looks like I am going to have to explain this reference, lol. Marco's family left Cuba before Fidel took charge. Marco likes to "imply" that his family fled Cuba to get away and gets quite pissy if anyone points the facts out to him.

  • smashedinhat

    “I’m old, but I’m still able to do my duties.”

    • WunkRocker

      Duties: Hiding pedo priests and blaming the molested.

  • LesBontemps

    Dude's dressed in white. Why hasn't he been arrested yet?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Was the Cuban Popemobile a 1953 Chevy?

    • James Michael Curley

      It looked like they flew in the real Popemobile. But on the way back to the airport all the hub caps, the windshield wipers and several of the light lenses were stolen.

      • No prob. The Curate for Papal Transport fetched the jewel-encrusted jumper cables.

  • FakaktaSouth

    described the meeting between the Holy Father and the father of Cuba’s communist revolution as “animated” and “colloquial.”

    I have a feeling this will also be the NEXT description the local police use for what Zimmerman did to Trayvon. (where's your bloody nose dude, really?)

    • When your Daddy's a judge and an ex-DA, don't make no never mind how many BLAHS you beat/shoot/whatever.

      • Biff

        What? Is Zimmerman our new O'Queef?

        • All I know is, his Daddy's a judge, and when Junior attacked a BLAH cop, Daddy had the charges dismissed and the records sealed. If the media would give a tenth of the attention to Zimmerman's family that they have given to Trayvon Martin's, we'd see a story or two, I'm betting. Daddy used to be a D.A., as well. Mommy is Peruvian, but other than that factoid, I know nothing about her.

    • prommie

      If I ever run into you in the actual "flesh," as they say, I bet that meeting would be pretty animated and colloquial, too.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Huzzah! I'll bring the Catholic school girl outfit, you bring the Pope hat.

        • Does not compute. The Pope wouldn't know what to do.

          • prommie

            Norm McDonald was fired from SNL in part for a joke that ended with the line "Michael Jackson is a HOMOSEXUAL pedophile." Unlike Michael, the accused priests come from both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between. Besides, why you wanna rain on our roleplay?

          • proudgrampa

            Well, yeah. Being a HETEROSEXUAL pedophile is perfectly acceptable…

          • Oh, go fap to "The Thorn Birds"!

        • prommie

          Meet me in Havana.

        • Biff

          Prommie's more of a "bishop" kinda guy.

          NO, not like Bishop Mitt, but now I must wonder how that meeting might go with Fidel…

        • oldedinvn

          Damn. I am in love with that idea. I really dislike guys with no fashion sense. Kinda like the guys what wear floor lenghth dresses & Prada's.

    • If Zimmerman is stalking a kid in a car and has a gun, whatever the kid does is self-defense. Why is that not blindingly obvious? Why are we even parsing it? Oh, because the kid is black.

      • prommie

        Kid looked at him, man. The kid looked right at Zimmerman. Keep that in mind.

      • Chichikovovich

        I was agreeing with you until yesterday, when I learned that Martin's twitter picture featured him mugging at the camera wearing some dopey-looking fake gold tooth grille. Zimmerman was obviously in danger for his life just being in the same city as someone who would do that.

        • prommie

          I am grooving on your using of progressive verb forms. Is similar to stereotypes of native Russsian speakers speaking English. Plus dropping of articles.

          • Chichikovovich

            Ah, so it has been. But chance only not my doing. Name just from character in book I am loving. I am adding son of ending because other have “Chichikov” been taking first.—

          • prommie

            Your explaining is making of funny.

          • oldedinvn

            Bez culturi.

      • oldedinvn

        Not only was he blah while walking, he dared to run away from a guy with a gun.
        You racist bustard. By the way, what races did you run. I used to run the mile & I was the best racist in the league. I was a good racist.

      • That really is it. At the time the Stand Your Ground law was written, people in FL pointed out that it was essentially giving white folks a hunting license to kill black folks. That fat fuck Zimmerman outweighed the kid by a good 100 lb, or so. Now the media are gushing endlessly about Trayvon's height (at 6' 2" he was a few inches taller than the lardbag), his once having been stopped for a few crumbs of weed in his backpack, and women's jewelry being found in his backpack, even though the cops could not find any evidence that the jewelry was stolen. This is now the meme. The kid was a huge scary BLAH who smoked pot and stole and beat up the fat pig, who had to murder him in self-defense. Some asshole even set up a bogus Twitter account to defame a dead child. These people have no decency and no shame, and it will never end.

    • oldedinvn

      Does colloquial mean they did each other? Ew.

  • Goonemeritus

    It looks like Fidel has reached the honey badger stage in life.

    • prommie

      Fidel has ALWAYS been a badass.

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    What does a Pope do? Blow little kids and cover for others who do the same or worse.

    • Beowoof

      Beat me to it, and I would add have buttsecks with little boys.

    • oldedinvn

      Get real, popes dream of when they can make castratos.

  • memzilla

    Rick Santorum, why did you let the leader of Godless Communism meet with the Pope before you did?

    Which is it, you're a Commie-lovin' pinko fellow traveler, or you hate Catholics and God?

    /end Drudge-Breitbart line of questioning

    • memzilla


      Q: Why aren't worms chewing on the decomposing corpse of Breitbart?

      A: Professional courtesy!

      • YasserArraFeck

        'cos that much bile is just plain unappetizing

    • FakaktaSouth

      Yeah, and what's up with Rick Santorum being a member of a crew that pals around with people that pal around with militant Commies?

  • Joshua Norton

    Castro asked the pope why the Mass has changed since he was a child

    And what's with that "fish on Fridays" crap. First you have to eat it, then you don't. It's enough to make an old commie's head spin.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yeah, and all those people who got sent to Purgatory for eating meat on Fridays? Are they still serving out their sentences there? Boy, I'll bet they are pissed.

  • Barb

    So Fidel? You still planning on retiring to Miami?

    • Oh, that would be hysterical. He would have to prove his credentials as a rabid anti-Castro Cuban to fit in with the community, though.

  • Old Man Olympics

    1) Meandering Stories of No Value
    "I once tied an onion to my belt as it was the style at the time…"
    "I once tied a Nazi Dagger to MY belt as it was the style at the time…"

    2) Yelling at Clouds
    3) Complaining the longest about their Physical Ailments
    4) Bitching about Kidz These Dayz

    • memzilla

      Give me five bees for a quarter!

      • doloras

        ¡Dame cinco abeillas para un quarto!

    • 5) Smelling Weird

    • Guppy

      4) Bitching about Kidz These Dayz

      "It takes half a bottle of sacramental wine to get them to give it up!"

    • An_Outhouse

      6) Comparing brands of adult diapers.

      • WunkRocker


    • oldedinvn

      Fuck you very much.
      I dint even know you new me. Batard !!

  • skoalrebel

    Y'know, [spit!], the pope is wearing a yarmulke. And he's meeting with a Commie who looks like Moses. [spit!] And you libtards still don't believe there's a world-wide Jewish-Commie conspiracy? But if you examine the flower arrangement closely, you'll see that it spells out "TLC" which obviously stands for "Tri-Lateral-Commission". [spit!] Who's your daddy, now, Wonketeers?

    • proudgrampa

      Wow. You are AWESOME!

      David Icke could use your help with the Reptilian fight.

    • oldedinvn

      The slippers say different.

  • SorosBot

    So, who is the purer embodiment of all that is evil in the world: Pope Ratzi the Nazi or Dick Cheney?

    • memzilla

      Well, one was the machinatorof an ideology which held that the rest of the world was inferior, and deserved to be pre-emptively invaded, regardless of the number of innocent people who would be killed, in the quest for valuable natural resources, and thought nothing of mounting a global propaganda effort to convince everyone of the rightness of their cause.

      The other was a follower of Hitler.

      • But the Pope gives lip service to social and economic justice while excommunicating Liberation Theology! Give him a goddamned break!!

        • commiegirl

          He excommunicated Aristide. Nazi fuckin Pope. (If anyone was wondering, I actually am Catholic and only a little bit Jew-ish. We took our Liberation Theology seriously, just like the commie nuns taught us, for real.)

          • Well, I like my women a little Jewish. All my serious relationships (and current one) have been.

    • Aw, do we have to choose?

    • oldedinvn

      Me, if I get control.

  • described as"'animated" and "colloquial"

    Wait, which was the anima and which played the colloquia? I'd assumed they were both more in the order of "veg'tebla".

    • Biff

      Is that how you spell cloaca in Cuban?

  • UW8316154

    The Pope and Fidel Castro walk into a bar….

    • and the bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!"

    • ChernobylSoup

      …and the bartender pointed to the droids and said "we don't serve their kind."

    • rickmaci

      and the bartender points to Ratzi and says, "We don't serve Nazi's."

  • Captain_Quark

    The question is not what the pope does, but whom. And the answer is "altarboys."

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    No, Fidel, you are by no stretch of the imagination a hoopy frood. And only Amnesty International knows where your towel is.

    • sullivanst

      Hey, you sass that commie ex-dictator?

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        Looks like he's also forgotten the most basic tenet of communism:
        Share and Enjoy.

        • He's doing a lot more sharing than the fucking Poop, fer shure. The shoes of the fisherman were not meant to be custom-made Pradas.

  • larryfinexx

    The Pope doesn't have much free time with all the decisions of which shoes matches his outfit for the day, but he does spend his leisure time listening to Barbra Streisand records.

    • Biff

      His favorite musical is The Sound of Music, but he's on the wrong side.

  • prommie

    You youngs may not remember Fidel in his prime, that guy was the smartest, quickest-witted politician/communist revolutionary ever. He could argue circles around anyone, and do it gracefully, with a smile. He started out as a poet, and it shows.

    • And, of course he drank Dewars Blended Scotch Whiskey.

    • James Michael Curley

      Blew holes in the Eisenhower administration's carefully planned effort to minimize his visit to the UN by staying in a beat old rooming house in Harlem.

    • All the white Cubans with money fled the country, and Fidel's government gave Official Props to Afro-Cuban Culture, so that's kind of cool. However, I still hear that Afro-Cubans were discriminated against under Castro, and getting blown up with Russian missiles shot from a sugar cane plantation is a little more than I'd want to sacrifice for the cause of a Free Cuba.

      And here's some Muñequitos to loosen y'all up this morning:

    • oldedinvn

      You kinda forgot that he was a relly gud besabll player.

    • He's really good in those "most interesting man in the world" ads.

    • krazyvladimir

      Yeah, do you know who else was giving fiery and inspiring speeches ??

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, the Pope's in Havana to score with some of those underage hookers?

    • jaytingle

      Havana is a city where it is very unlikely that you will find any underage hookers. And I mean compared with just about any city. You will find it slightly less difficult to buy pot there, which is astounding given it is in the Caribbean.

  • Fidel, you should have arrested that aged scumbag, but I understand. You're old and tired, and it's time for someone else to do that stuff.

    Yeesh, this ratfucker is the last thing I see before closing my eyes in sleep. Barf. Every day a new scandal with some Catholic priest being arrested for raping little girls and boys, and they haven't even begun to expose the scandals in India and Africa yet.

  • SheriffJoeBiden

    Answer to headline: "Pretty much what Fidel does, only with less legitimacy."

  • widestanceromance

    I heard he's mostly into fisting.

  • mavenmaven

    That picture needs to become an internet meme. Like, with white letters on it, "SEEMS LEGIT" "WAT" "LULZ"

  • If you are just walking down the street and you see some catholic guy walking towards you, you are to quickly run across the street (look both ways twice before you do) and hide behind a parked car until he can not see you. Then try to find an adult and tell them what you just saw. Make sure the adult is not another catholic.

  • Lucidamente1

    "Do you know where I can score some good Cuban cigars?"

    "You're infallible, find 'em yourself."

  • This was hilarious, RS! The next Dos Equis is on me. (Do they still make that stuff?)

    • "Stay thirsty, my friend" sound familiar?

    • DaRooster

      "Stay thirsty my friend."

  • chascates

    You can make the case both their life's work has been screwing people but I'd take Fidel's world over El Papa's.

  • Terry

    "The most surprising aspect of the meeting between Fidel and the Pope is that it only last 30 minutes. It usually takes Fidel that long to say hi."

    Meetings between two men that old always have to be quick. Given the prevalence of prostate problems, one of the two is going to have to pee.

  • Shoulda been a photog with two turds in the bowl similar to the now vanished solo poop shot of skinny dipping Tucker. Seems our Editor will be wearing poop pressure Depends™ for a while.

  • Starring Liam Neeson as Fidel and Gary Oldman as the Pope.

    • And Anna Paquin as the Footstool.

  • A Pope Fidels about

  • OneDollarJuana

    The Pope's main duty is to prance around in fancy dresses.

    Just like our Supreme Court Justices.

  • prommie

    Is our editrix a marxist, a lenninist, or a Trotskyite? Maybe this is why she doesn't want any death threats or 'tard-bashing here, doesn't want to draw attention to her revolutionary activities. Visiting Cuba, voting Nader (maybe she's an anarchist?), familiarity with the works of Streisand, its all adding up.

    • familiarity with the works of Streisand

      She's a gay man?

      • 'tard-bashing here

        Or turd-bashing, too also. Ckeck out the vanished photog of Tucker Carlson skinny dipping in his hot tub.

        • Biff

          My guess is she got complaints from actual turds, displeased with being compared to tucker.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Our Editrix has explained her reasons behind her disfavor of the term "retard". I do believe that it is tangentially related to her Communist leaning (in that only communists adopted crack babies with developmental delays and raise them in a loving home).

      • prommie

        Hey, I have good friends who suffer from developmental delays. Some naturally occurring, some drug-induced.

    • commiegirl

      well really I'm more familiar with A Star Is Born because HOT DAMN KRIS KRISTOFFERSON.

    • oldedinvn

      I still want her. OK, at my age , road kill is acceptable if it can't move out of the way & is still luke warm.

  • See it's not so easy being a dictator.

    • oldedinvn

      Wrong. Helpful hint #1, cook & mash a potato(e) , place on penis. Think.
      Do I have to say dick ———-.

  • Joshua Norton

    The two men also spoke about world’s problems, the environment, and cultural and religious difficulties.

    Right after the pope convinced Fidel that he was not his nurse, and, no, he didn't have his pudding.

  • Oh, I almost forgot, Religious schools are really big cheaters at sports. they are like the worst! In my State, there are these Religious High Schools Like Poophole Lutheran, Poophole Central Catholic, Poophole Christian and the like that recruit kids from other cities and states to come to their little town to play high school sports for their religious school.
    They are cheaters!
    Big time!

  • DaRooster

    Did they speak English, German or Cuban?

    • sewollef

      All of them Katie….

  • Benedict responded: “I’m old, but I’m still able to do my duties.”

    Editirix? I speak Spanish and listening to the tape, I think he actually said "doodies"…

  • DaRooster

    Did Fidel compliment him on his yarmulke?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Castro would've made a better pope. He does old better than Benny, who's mostly a frozen pope: a popesicle.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Oddly enough, the Vatican AND Cuba probably have better records (if only in the form of supportive statements) on the environment than the US. I mean, they both recognize global warming.

    Human rights, of course, is a different issue (although closely related, obvs).

  • Ruhe

    "Like Zaphod Beeblebrox"…Why is the extra head looking so much younger? Is that normal?

  • thefrontpage

    What does the Pope do? Alfredo Calzonni, the Director of Media and Public Affairs at the Vatican, sent me this daily schedule for the Pope from last Tuesday. Alfredo said it's fairly typical of a typical workday for the Pope. Here it is, direct from the Vatican:

    1. Breakfast, morning.
    2. Morning prayers, morning.
    3. Morning briefing, top advisers, 15 minutes.
    4. Daily call with Carlos "The Better" Routletti, the Pope's bookie.
    5. Meeting with the Masons, the Trilateral Commission, Vito Corleone IV, Mafia representative, top political advisers with the Italian government–this is a daily meeting.
    6. Lunch.
    7. Afternoon prayer.
    8. Afternoon meeting with the Felcher Society, the International Council of Cleveland Steamers, and The Blue Plate Special Society.
    9. Afternoon meeting with The Boy Scouts, The Boys and Girls Club, Big Brothers, Cub Scouts of America, and Justin Bieber.

  • sullivanst

    Fidel? He's just zis guy, you know?

  • sewollef

    "Vatican II"?

    Is that the one with Steven Seagal playing a navy seal…. or am I confusing him with the other right-wing fuck, Bruce Willis?

    • MoeDeLawn

      I think Seagal played a whale, not a seal.

    • Does Hollywood have a liberal or a conservative bias?
      Action adventure stars are, for the most part, right wingers. If there are any exceptions, I can't think of them right off the top of my hat.
      Comedians are, usually, liberals. I can think of a couple of exceptions, but they really aren't very funny.
      Bottom line, actors are no more intelligent than the general public because, really, does it take any more brains to stand in front of the camera and look pretty than it does to wait tables or drive a truck? No, no it doesn't.
      So you've got a lot of Yahoos who've started believing in their own roles, which I think most of us would do if we were getting that kind of money.
      It's only natural.

      • commiegirl

        I will hand it to super conservative comedian Larry Miller, that dude is funny as fuck. He is, though, the only one.

  • thefrontpage

    10. Meeting with Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt, and Bob Guccione, Jr.
    11. Afternoon nap.
    12. Dinner.
    13. Evening dinner with Elton John, Nathan Lane, Larry Craig, and Barney Frank.
    14. Evening prayer.
    15. Television time, two hours.
    16. Evening poker game with Ratso Rizzi, Vito Corleone IV, John Gotti III, the Rosato Brothers, and Johnny "The Rat" Gambino.
    17. Go to sleep.

    # # #

  • Gopherit

    "Benedict responded: “I’m old, but I’m still able to do my duties.”"

    I would think worshiping satan and fucking little boys would really take its toll.

  • friendlyskies

    Jajaja Fidel wore a freshly pressed, three-piece business suit to meet Pope John Paul II, showing some modicum of respect for the Great Polish Enemy of Godless Communism. For Papa Nazi he didn't even get out of his pajamas. I guess Ratzinger's brave, decades-long fight against bigoted legal systems that won't respect the sanctified Catholic tradition of priest-boy love doesn't impress Fidel like PJP2's mano-a-mano with the USSR.

    • Fidel is "retired" now, also. But I guess he could have worn bermuda shorts and a floppy golf hat.

  • mormos

    shit! I thought Fidel was dead and they were hiding it to ease transition of power to his brother. Guess I was way off; unless the commies have super sophisticated robots! that's it isn't it?! THE COMMIES ARE GOING TO REPLACE ALL WORLD LEADERS WITH ROBOTS! AAAAHHHH!

    oh, wait, don't care.

    also, I knew the nazis and commies were working together all along!

  • owhatever

    The Pope is visiting a Commie nation and having a talk with its hated leader. Shouldn't the American right wingnuts be having one of their daily heebie-jeebie fits about this?

    • Yeah, I'm waiting for the strong denunciation from noted Catholics Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

  • ttommyunger

    "Fidel to Pope: So, What Does a Pope Do, Anyway?" Pope: "I can show you better than I can tell you; bend over, my son."

  • ShakyTillerHand

    Fidel, he's just this guy, you know?

  • sezme

    You know a guy's old when he brags about still being able to do his duty (which hopefully includes wiping).

  • WonkCynic

    It's quite obvious to me. What does the Pope do?

    He travels the globe visiting crotchety old commies.

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