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Rick Santorum’s New Pitch To Voters: I Am Good At Some Sports

not good enough to win a presidencyRick Santorum has chosen a new strategy in his quest to win the Republican presidential nomination that he cannot mathematically win: Talkin’ sports. You know, shootin’ the shit with his buddies, the voters, about golf, baseball, bowling. Shooting guns. Those sports. He’s very good at them all, just like Vladimir Putin is at fucking tigers or eating tigers or lying about fucking tigers or whatever it is the Russkies do to look kewl. Did you know Santorum hit a golf ball purty good recently? And then also, too, hit a baseball? Can we just make him permanent Emperor of America right now?

The Wall Street Journal reports on this latest tack, in which he plays the high school sports star who never grew up and is now mostly pathetic:

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. — Rick Santorum has begun bragging about his sporting skills in an effort to connect with Midwestern voters.

He has been telling crowds in Wisconsin that he hit a golf ball 270 yards out and it landed on a floating green in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, last month. “Wow, that’s a really long shot,” he said here..

As for shooting, Mr. Santorum says he put 14 consecutive shots from a revolver on target at a gun range in Louisiana last week. He’s apparently not too bad at baseball either, and he offers a recent video of him taking batting practice at Louisiana State University as proof. “That became a little bit of a YouTube sensation because I was hitting the ball pretty good,” Mr. Santorum said of the video, viewed 22,000 times.

Here’s footage of Santorum “riding the bike pretty good,” too:

fucking good at biking as shit

He’s just great at all sports! He will have to get a job soon.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Barb

    He looks like the kind of sissy that would pull a hamstring playing lawn darts and have to quit.

    1. Terry

      Yep, his bragging about sports rings about as true as Mitt admitting he loves him some grits.

    1. Callyson

      Hey, I'm just glad they didn't run the photo of him in his swimming trunks. I'm still not sure if I will ever be able to have sex again…

  2. Doktor StrangeZoom

    But he is not good at the basketball. We have had QUITE enough of "people who are good at basketball," if you know what I mean.

    1. prommie

      Its funny, isn't it, most fat men, even the ones with huge guts, still have little tiny asses and skinny legs. Its rare to see a man who is big in the hips like Santorum.

      Then there is the Christie beast, which is a whole nother realm of things.

  3. Barb

    “That became a little bit of a YouTube sensation because I was hitting the ball pretty good,”

    Hitting the balls with his chin. He's more of a YouTubeSteak sensation.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Good morning Barb,
          I hope that lucky Jeffer and you had a great 'celebrate the end of recovery from surgery' celebration.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Yeah…that sounds right. I'm not up to date on my Internet pornography distributors.

  4. Goonemeritus

    I only avidly follow luge, I find that being a fan of sports that have competitions more than every four years require a level of commitment I’m uncomfortable with .

  5. Dashboard Buddha

    "I was hitting the ball pretty good"

    You were hitting it WELL you fetus helper ignoramus!

    1. tessiee

      I think that's intentional fake bad grammar, to go with the fake persona du jour of "Rick the regular guy everyone would enjoy having a beer with", who is definitely not "Rick the creepy weirdo with the face made for punching in".

    1. DaRooster

      Just don't alude to the "Rooster" aspect and I will live through the weekend…

      Thank you.

  6. Baconzgood

    You know what Baconz can do? NOT EVER VOTE FOR YOU. No lie, I not ever voted for you a bunch of times.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That was one of my regrets about moving from Pittsburgh. Not voting for Santorum just doesn't bring the same thrill when I'm not also voting for his opponent.

      1. Baconzgood

        I'll not vote for him twice for you. He was a congressman in my sisters dist. She hated him.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Hey thanks. That will give me a special tingle on primary day. Especially because, now that I think of it, I wasn't a citizen when I lived in Pittsburgh. So this is really, by proxy, the first time Santorum will have been, in my name, not voted for by voting against.I'll try not to get all weepy and embarrass myself when that day comes, but I make no promises.—

  7. ManchuCandidate

    "Santorum speaks for me. You know I once scored four touchdowns in a single game."
    -Al Bundy*

    *real life Bundys… unlike the actor (Ed O'Neil) who played him who campaigned heavily for the Blah

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    RE: bowling, golf, softball. If you can drink alcohol while you participate, it's not a sport, it's an activity. Or maybe a hobby.

    1. prommie

      If you can drink alcohol while you participate, it is an option for me, otherwise, not. Don't forget hunting, and driving. And lawyer-shooting.

        1. Deportably_Jose

          Oh, we frequently had a sidline keg or several, for rugby. But the best, by far, was our coach of one year, who was basically a walking stereotype: he was a short, foul-mouthed briton, who mixed vodka martinis on the sideline during both practice and games, sexually harrassed the women's team and coaches, and regularly brought his mistress with him to games.

          Kinda a godawful coach, but quite the character.

    2. chicken_thief

      Generally, I agree with that Baldar and in fact have used the same line many times. But there are exceptions – Tommy Kramer in football, Bernard King in basketball. Big time drunks who played "sports".

  9. ManchuCandidate

    I knew a guy who was a crap baseball pitcher
    Back in high school
    He could throw that gopherball to you
    Make him look like a fool boy
    Saw him campaigning at this roadside bar
    I was walking in, he was talking out
    I tried to leave, but he had a few drinks
    And all he kept talking about was

    Glory days well they'll pass you by
    Glory days in the fantasies of Santorum's mind
    Glory days, glory days

    1. Grief_Lessons

      I was scrolling down to the bottom to add my Glory Days comment only to find that you beat me to it. But you also did it better than I would have, so I don't mind.

  10. Lucidamente1

    Since Obama threw a gutterball in a bowling alley in Altoona, Pa during the 2008 primaries, and since Santorum bowled much better than that, he therefore will be a better president. QED, bitches.

  11. Baconzgood

    "YouTube sensation"

    Man what a dweeb. Isn't like Snookie getting punched in the face a YouTube sensation too? And those Sarah Palin singers were a YouTube sensation too also. Not a very high bar to be a "YouTube sensation".

  12. Laissez_Queer

    I'd like to invite Ricky to the St. Louis Pridefest. Once he's spotted we'll see how "good" he sprints.

  13. skoalrebel

    Fuck all these faggy sports! [spit!] NASCAR is where it's at, libtards! [spit!] And that kitty on a bike pic just makes me wanna scream BALLS!

    1. Baconzgood

      NASCAR: America's sport. It's loud, polluted, ads on everything, and it goes around in circles while you wait for somthing to crash.

        1. natoslug

          Just once, they should throw the drivers a curveball and make them drive the course backwards, to see if they can figure out the right turn. Or would that confuse the fans too much?

  14. bureaucrap

    "Let's talk about March Madness. Please don't bring up that your kids have worn through their last pair of jeans, that you've been out of work for three years or that your wife can't get treatment for her diabetes. I just don't care about that s**t."

  15. LesBontemps

    the video, viewed 22,000 times

    18,000 times by Rick, twice by his wife and 3,998 times by Newt Gingrich saying "I can't believe I'm losing to that schmuck."

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Oh that was so wrong, tessiee. An unwelcome reminder that it's a well known fact — well-known, I say! — that fecal matter has been found to such a degree of buildup in those finger-holes at your typical bowling establishments? that for this reason among others I broke down and got my own. With custom drilled holes. (My game has not improved, however.)

      1. tessiee

        Hell, I'm grossed out on a plane ride when they want you to pay $3 extra for headphones (for a movie I have no interest in watching ANYway), that have god knows what kind of ear cheese on them from everybody else who used them.

  16. YasserArraFeck

    Any sport where you get to play with big balls and insert your fingers into holes is A-OK with Rick

        1. Limeylizzie

          That's correct, Frothy, best line, that used to make me howl with laughter as a teen…"Himmler was very simmler, but poor old Goebbels had no balls at all."

  17. ManchuCandidate

    "Unlike Ricky Poo, I was great (I think I was the greatest unlike that fat fuck Babe Ruth who got all the fucking attention) at one sport. I could be Preznit because I'm still not as big an asshole as Santorum"
    -Ty Cobb; noted racist, psychopath, killer, all round mega asshole

  18. Guppy

    Now all he has to do is team up with some over-eager, purple-haired bit of jailbait and he can go on to save LazyTown!

  19. Terry

    My Pennsylvania relatives continually point out that they threw this guy out of office by an 18% margin and wonder why anyone is taking him seriously.

  20. Chet Kincaid

    After his campaign finally crashes, he'll be challenging Maria Sharapova to "The Battle Of The Sexes II," to prove that Man is the head of woman, just like Christ is the head of the Church and Priests are the head of altar boy.

    She will of course break his ankles like twigs with a vicious backhand in 30 seconds.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        You are right, Kournikova would be more appropriate in this scenario. However, Sharapova's long, lean thighs were wrapped around my face in my imagination when I thought of this, so…

    1. DaRooster

      Hell if we could upfist ourselves endlessly, I would be the biggest hit ever… 'cuz I'm awesome… like Ricky.

  21. JackDempsey1

    How is he at America's game, shuffleboard?
    Colored circles sliding across numbered triangles!!!
    The thrill is positively Euclidean.

    1. tessiee

      That's a sport for old Italian guys on Sunday afternoons.
      Rick is too young.
      Also, the 80 year old guys at the park would kick his ass.

  22. horsedreamer_1

    Golf? While the economy struggles?

    Is Ricky, as an Italian-Amerian, dark enough to be proscribed from the course?

  23. jfruh

    Many moons ago I went to the Congressional Baseball Game with Pareene and got a picture of Santorum in a Pittsburgh Pirates uniform (they make all the Congresspeople wear the uniforms of their hometown teams, for humiliation). His droopy ass is showcased prominently. For the right price, I will not make this picture public.

  24. joobajooba

    >>He has been telling crowds in Wisconsin that he hit a golf ball 270 yards out and it landed on a floating green in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, last month. <<

    But Kim Jong-il got 11 holes in one his first time out.

    1. chicken_thief

      Unless he did the 270 yr drive with an iron, meh. I know plenty of guys who can't break 110 who hit 300 yr drives.

  25. chicken_thief

    Anyone who launches the ball from three feet away from the foul line isn't much of a bowler, Ricky. Jes sayin….

  26. anniegetyerfun

    Funny, I sort of imagined Rick as being really good at rollerblading. Well, not good, but prone to getting all the gear and spandex shorts and TRYING to be good.

    1. tessiee

      For making all of us picture Rick in spandex bike shorts, you must go sit in your time-out chair while the rest of us eat pizza and drink beer and go bowling (in that order).

  27. elviouslyqueer

    As for shooting, Mr. Santorum says he put 14 consecutive shots from a revolver on target at a gun range in Louisiana last week.

    Dr. Freud? There's an overcompensation victim on Line One for you. Says it's an emergency.

  28. DaRooster

    “That became a little bit of a YouTube sensation because I was hitting the ball pretty good,” Mr. Santorum said of the video, viewed 22,000 times.

    So that's where his kids have been… clicking the YouTubes.

  29. bellybones

    Not to be too geeky about this, but I call bullshit on the 270-yard tee shot. There is NO WAY a par 3 golf hole would be set at that length. None, Zero. I think most pros would have trouble holding a shot on a green that had traveled 270 yards.

  30. DaRooster

    Uh Rick… so you can hit batting practice?
    Grab your glove… I'm gonna hit you some grounders, go stand on the mound.

      1. DaRooster

        Too many kids… don't tell about the artificial insemination….

        Go JIZZ!! SWIM BABY SWIM!!

  31. AddHomonym

    I've got it! Rick challenges Mitt to a small varmint shoot for all the delegateses! Hunting's a sport, right?

  32. Gopherit

    Hey, Rick! Did you know that Mittens knows people who own baseball teams? What I am trying to say is he can buy and sell you. You can't win, and we all hate you, but it's fun to watch you annoy him. Carry on.

  33. kissawookiee

    As for shooting, Mr. Santorum says he put 14 consecutive shots from a revolver on target at a gun range in Louisiana last week.

    Ricky then moved from hitting the broad side of the barn to hitting a cow in the tit with a tin cup.

  34. owhatever

    Get him the GOP nomination and he and Barry can settle it all on the court in a one-on-one hoops game. Oh, heck, put Barry out there on his own against a team of all four Republicans and he'd whip their butts without breaking a sweat.

  35. Lazy Media

    Well, if coach woulda put Rick in fourth quarter, they’d have been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind. You better believe things had been different. He’d have gone pro in a heartbeat. He’d be making millions of dollars and living in a big ol’ mansion somewhere, soaking it up in a hot tub with his soul mate.

  36. Slim_Pickins

    Golf at an Idaho ski resort in February? Right. The shot may have skittered across the ice, if there was a shot.

  37. WonkCynic

    This dude is the reason I didn't bother voting at all during my five years living in PA.

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