Fine you guys, I'm sorry already.Wasn’t it nice, a week ago (okay, maybe two), when pretty much the whole country could agree it was a terrible thing that a teenage boy had been killed for being black? And the people who didn’t agree had the sense to keep their goddamn pieholes shut? Don’t you just want to burn down the whole Internet right now? Us too! Now, your Wonkette had just read a charming story about Tucker Carlson palling around with terrorists, and decided if Bill Ayers could be sweet and peaceful in the face of the provocation that is a fucking DUET of Andrew Breitbart and Tucker Carlson, oh, hell, maybe we would stop trying to hurt America too! Dude, fuck that noise.

First we got to read Jonah Goldberg’s diarrhea all over our morning LA Times — Jonah’s main point is a singular misunderstanding that Hispanic people can be white or black, followed with a proud avowal that Jesse Jackson is insane for saying the prison-industrial complex preys on black men. (You know, akin to the study of the intersection between race, the law and the courts that is such a silly thing to question!)

Now we get Tucker Carlson spitting his way through his usual dreck about how black lawmakers (and President Obama) are “professional race-baiters” for making the death of an unarmed black boy about race. Take it away, RawStory (and thanks for watching Fox so we don’t have to):

“And so for people to weigh in, for professional race-baiters like the ones you just saw on television, and for the president himself to weigh in and make this a simple parable about white racism is very foolish because it may not turn out to bolster that accusation, for one. And for another, do you really want to have a conversation about who kills who in this country? Do you want to look at the statistics? This is not a conversation that political figures should be weighing in on at all.”

Hmmm, we’re gonna go with “the Irish,” or as you call them, the “NYPD.”

Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller, of course, has been slinging shit far and wide this week, particularly due to the unending stamina of young star reporter Matthew Boyle, who should go far in that world; do read Max Read for a more thorough and wise explainer than we could muster, as our kitchen floor wasn’t going to lie on itself.

Without further ado, here’s … this thing. Fucking gah.


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  • nounverb911

    So by that logic, Tucker Carlson is black?

    • Judging by the picture, he's brown.

      • Gleem McShineys

        "What is the color of lightly toasted poisoned rat dicks, Alex"

      • That's just his NOSE, dear.

      • Negropolis

        Snookie orange, my friend; Snookie orange.

    • I thought he was a turkey dinner covered in white gravy, frozen with peas 'n carrots in a cheaper version of one of those metal trays prisoners eat out of. Black prisoner who had marijuana residue in their car ashtrays. Half of Tucker Carlson's friends have marijuana residue in their car ashtrays, too, but their cars are a lot "nicer."

    • Callyson

      Blah, blah, blah…

      • NorthStarSpanx

        If he's black, then it's a good thing he quit those bow ties, so he wouldn't be accused of being a secret Malcolm X-type Muslim.

  • nounverb911

    If I win the Megamillion jackpot, I promise to buy Fox news and promptly shut it down.

    • spends2much

      Please, burn it down.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Mitt Romney?

    • BlueStateLibel

      I would buy Fox News, but I would make every single talking head wear clown costumes and hats on air. Just to make a point.

      • Barrelhse

        And wear burning pants, too.

        • And they could read their regular copy but after it they would have to say, "That's a lie, of course. Please take away my salary."

    • Just send it to China, sheesh.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Oh, screw that. If I win it, I'm running for President!

    • Negropolis

      I'd buy them, and then torture the news anchors by forcing them to read actual **gasp** news for one work day, before I'd summarily fire them. This would be both cruel and unusual. Fortunately, I'd not be the government.

      Either that, or I'd ship the whole operation to Afghanistan, no one will have lost any.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    I can't even make jokes anymore. A boy is dead. Honestly fuck this and fuck Tucker Carlson.

  • RadioStalingrad

    Tucker Carlson: Master Race Baiter.

    • nounverb911

      Tucker Carlson: Masterbater?

      • Gleem McShineys

        He's not very good at it though.

        • No happy endings EVAH for that bowtied little frozen-food-magnate fucktwaddle.

          • V572 Hogan Gidley

            If you think (as I do) that massive inherited wealth is an un-American abomination, and that the inheritance tax should be somewhere between 95 and 105 percent–when people ask you why you believe such an outrageous thing, your answer need only be two words: Tucker Carlson.

          • RadioStalingrad

            Sometimes I think the main reason Mitts wants to be POTUS is to abolish the "death tax." God, I hate that euphemistic propaganda. Fuck off Frank Luntz.

          • DahBoner

            Born on Third base, thought he hit a home run, but only knows how to bunt…

          • Boojum

            Born on Third base, thought he hit a double….

        • flamingpdog

          Maybe if he did it more often he wouldn't be so freaking cranky on the TeeVee.

  • Sassomatic

    "we haven't heard all sides of the story."

    Well, yeah, kinda hard to do that since one of the sides is now dead, as a result of being murdered.

    • Boojum

      White Jeebus will do his talking for him.

  • memzilla

    Tuckerhead: …"do you really want to have a conversation about who kills who in this country?"

    [must… not… violate… death… ideation… TOS… of… Editrix…}

    Why… YES, Tuckerhead. Yes I do. How 'bout a movie clip for ya?

    It's OK… it's BIBLICAL.

  • smashedinhat

    Hmmm, I find it much easier to take Tucker seriously since he got rid of the bow t…oh hey! It's a turd in a toilet! Hahaha! Tucker, you are a fvckin turd!!

    • WunkRocker

      Where'd the turd go? No not Andy Breitfart, the other one, Carlson. Toilet Bowl Libel!

  • kingofmeh

    jon stewart quietly bookmarks this "don't rush to judgment" video commentary for the inevitable day — a week from now? two weeks? — when an african-american man (or, horrors, a muslin) is accused of a murder and carlson demands he be drawn and quartered in the public square.

    • Biff

      But Stewart will be on vacation that week, so by the time he gets on the story the moment will have passed.

      • kingofmeh

        oh, right, because it's totally only going to happen once.

        • You're Tucker's Mommy, aren'tcha? 'Cos it sounds like you know him well.

          Mrs. Mommy, could you kick his ass once for each of us here? It won't be too big a deal, since you do it regularly anyway, right?

          • Sic em FROTHY!

          • Srsly, you have no idea how hard I'm working to keep this nice and polite and not-confrontational. If my InterToobz connection weren't hopelessly fuckededly poor, I'd be blogging this in a … is it too rude to say FROTHING … frothing rage.

            Here's what I wish upon Cucker: He should only get some truly hideous, incurable yet expensively treatable STI from some amoral greedbag who will sell the whole story, complete with pix of his shriveled diseased dick to every media outlet that will buy, that will render him SO loathsome that he will never again be able to show his face in public or persuade any other human being EVAH to touch him. Please deity in whom I do not believe, make it so.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, because Jon Stewart whipped up a quarter-million progressive-minded individuals to march on Washington…and then directed them to be nice.

      Curse that communist, Jon Stewart.

      Fuck off. You don't even make any sense.

  • rocktonsam

    Remember when Twucker Carlson mattered?

    Me neither.

    Beer me Moe!

  • MissTaken

    Tucker Carlson
    Tucker Max

    I guess when your name rhymes with Fucker, you gotta represent.

  • I can't fap to this AT ALL.

    • You're just not *trying,* sweetie.

      Actually, you're not trying at all, you're delightful.

    • Callyson

      I have long since learned not to read Wonkette before a masturbation break.

  • ttommyunger

    Well, when I think of bait, this little worm we call Tucker Carlson certainly comes to mind. (Using his full name in hopes this comment will show up on his google alert.)

  • I_P

    Noted fartsack Tucker (Max) Carlson is still relevant?

  • coolhandnuke

    There is a bar in Denver that holds an annual Fabulous Feces Contest where anyone can send in photos of impressive, monumental, grotesque etc, shits…which are made into slides then displayed on the bar's big screen and then voted upon.
    I have selected my photo for this year…thank you Tucker.

    • C_R_Eature

      It's the one all the way over to the right, right?

      That's the worst one.

      • coolhandnuke

        Right in soooooo many ways.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Is contest limited to Denver residents?

      What? I have a friend who just wants to know.

      • Oh, *sure,* Loaded_Pants, sure.

        • Loaded_Pants

          You busted me FROTHY. My poops now resemble the GOP primaries. Maybe I need to start talking to my Dr. about that shit.

      • flamingpdog

        I doubt it LP – you have to go out to Douglas or Jefferson Counties south and west of Denver to find the people who are really full of shit.

  • Please. Everyone knows that Tucker Carlson is the real Professional Master Baiter in question here. I believe we are all familiar with his work.

    edit: Ninja'd, drat! Dammit, I have to remember: Read, then Post!

  • Ah, Jonah Goldberg, perhaps the largest signpost on the L.A. Times' downhill slide into suckitude the last few years. If only our Editrix could have bought that paper and fired his fat ass.

    • Ya know? That woulda been wunnerful. It used to be an OK paper, oncet.

  • C_R_Eature

    Black People = "Professional Race Baiters"

    Tucker Carlson = Professional Masturbator.

    EDIT: Hey, Tucker! I found the perfect Game Show for you.

    Come On Down!

  • smoothmineral

    Funny you mention Breitbart in this article, after seeing that video footage, I was hoping Tucker Carlson could follow his lead and drop dead.

  • Angry_Marmot

    How can Tucker be a has-been if he never was?

  • spends2much

    "Do you really want to have a conversation about who kills who in this country?"

    So, Tucker is saying either:
    1) Since there is a lot of black-on-black violence in the US, Trayvon Martin would have been killed eventually by a black guy, so what is everyone getting so worked up about; or
    2) Since black people have on occasion killed white people, this is sweet payback.

    Either way, Tucker Carlson is out-loathesomeing Newt this week, and that's not easy to do. Seriously, fuck you, Tucker.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      He's just using a popular meme on the more racist websites on the net (e.g. Stormfront) which uses black-on-black murder rates to indicate that all blahs are more inclined towards violence. Of course, this conveniently ignores any socioeconomic factors and/or drug-related criminality linked to poverty and lack of opportunity.

      You'll see it trotted out in many a comment section in defense of Zimmerman. Hell, I saw that exact argument made today in the comments section of the Townhall article.

      It's specious and it's race-baiting.

      edit: I see Jonah Goldberg talks about the same thing in his article.

      • Fare la Volpe

        It also ignores the fact that the number one victims of crime are still black men, regardless of perpetrator. You don't get that on Nancy "Missing Goddamn White Girl" Grace.

    • All of them, Katie. Fukui-san's too.

    • Fuck him with bells on AND a hat!

  • fuflans

    i wish self immolation was a traditional american value.

    • flamingpdog

      Being a flaming asshole, he's got a good head start.

    • Barrelhse

      ! …Idea!

  • BarackMyWorld

    "…for the president himself to weigh in and make this a simple parable about white racism is very foolish because it may not turn out to bolster that accusation, for one."

    Did he even bother to fabricate a quote to justify this interpretation?
    Right-wingers be gettin' lazy.

  • Gleem McShineys

    Man, that douchey face.

    I remember reading something about Scientists saying that evolutionarily speaking, baby creatures look so cute, ensuring that we care for them.

    Why do you suppose nature would evolve a face that inspires everyone to want to punch it in? Then pair it with a dickhole attitude? And a bow tie?? HOW IS HE EVEN STILL ALIVE!?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Best insurance a trust fund can buy.

      • Gleem McShineys

        So basically, money really IS the root of all evil, not because it makes people do all that sinny stuff, but because it undermines natural selection and/or throat punchings.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      That is an extremely punchable face. But the goofy tie makes me want to aim for the throat.

      • flamingpdog

        If I ever meet him, I hope he's wearing a goofy codpiece.

    • spends2much

      Somebody send the guy a hoodie. Add that to the bow tie, and he's practically Louis Farrakan, am I right?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Tucker urges moderation, except when President Obama says something moderate and sympathetic, at which point it's time to break out the hysteria and wild speculation. Yeah, that'll ease our strained race relations.

  • fitley

    Is there anyway to justify having Tucker on any show for any reason? What a fetid stool.

  • CapeClod

    It's amazing how a latino suddenly becomes a white person when they shoot a black person and liberal people get upset about it.

    • Or suddenly isn't a white person, to let them off the hook.

      People are upset at what society says you can do to a black kid in a hoodie, regardless of the "race" of the shooter.

      And any adult who is just now understanding that there are European, African, indigenous and all-kinds-of-mixed Hispanics is a knowledge-avoiding dipshit, and their ignorance should no longer be given a pass, also.

  • Where's the bowtie, Fucker? Don't wanna look like the whitest guy in the room all the sudden?

  • C_R_Eature

    Just exactly what we need now: The Opinion of Yet Another Rich White Republican.

    Thanks, FOX "News".

  • I keep clicking on the handle, but it won't flush!


  • proudgrampa

    Carlson FuddTucker is a total jerk.

    That's it. You've forced me to make ANOTHER martini!!!

  • fuflans

    as our kitchen floor wasn’t going to lie on itself

    now that! that is mighty fine writing rebecca.


  • IceCreamEmpress

    I was going to be all miffed about the photo of a turd and then I realized that what you could have put instead was a photo of Tucker Carlson, so THANK YOU FOREVER.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I read that LA Times piece, and Jonah Goldberg really does not understand the difference between race and ethnicity, does he?


    On board a ship a "Jonah" is a bad luck person – a hoodoo, if you will. Guess that's true in real life, as well.

    • Loaded_Pants

      "I read that LA Times piece, and Jonah Goldberg really does not understand the difference between race and ethnicity, does he?"

      Well, isn't this the same asshole who insisted that Nazis were liberal and that modern liberals were Nazis?

  • Guppy

    Was the picture of the drowned rat too classy?

    • RadioStalingrad

      It might be those new commenting criteria.

      • Guppy

        But the Wild Kingdom shot of mousey bits is OK?

        OK, now I'm really getting confused.

    • An_Outhouse

      I was wondering the same thing. They claim they've implemented new standards. Are we supposed to guess whose shit? Is that tomorrow's contest?

    • C_R_Eature

      The New Rules prohibit Drowned Rat Libel.

      • flamingpdog

        No Drowned Ratards either.

        • C_R_Eature

          Or else we could be Hoist with our own Ratards.

    • Yes, a rat-shaped crap is far classier. I wonder if it's actually one of those plastic gags.

    • How about the one of the 400-pound tranny being stuffed in an ambulance? What? That's the one we use for Ann Coulter?

      Sorry, I forgot.

      • That's one of my faves. I love the bunnies looking on in bunny-like horror.

        • C_R_Eature

          The Little Guy gets to me, for some reason.

  • C_R_Eature

    I refuse to break any more furniture over Tucker Carlson. I just won't.
    It's not worth it.

    Hey, wait a minute…unless it's over Tucker Carlson.
    Now, that's worth it!

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Well if you do for God's sake don't use anything from Ikea, that shit has no durability whatsoever. Find a local furniture store and use their products. I have some lovely mission oak chairs that were not only quite affordable but could also be used to repeatedly beat on Tucker Carlson until he looked like a big puddle of that pink slime that McDonald's was using in their burgers.

      • C_R_Eature

        There's a Brass & Oak Gallery store I know of that will do the trick.

        There is a certain Bent appeal to the notion of lurking on a darkened street corner in a trench-coat and fedora, carrying a Mission Oak chair for the purposes of assault and battery.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    C_R_, brlhouse, and I had a brief exchange the other day on the sensory merits of re-gurgitated , re-eaten dogshit that a friend's dog had gifted me with the other day, and any resemblance that gift may have had to Breitbart. I promised to report in on the appearance of the now re-shit shit/vomit . I can say that it doesn't really resemble Breitbart that much.
    But guess what!!?

    • C_R_Eature

      No…wait, don't tell me! It bears a striking resemblance to one of those photos at the top of the page.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Yeeeeeeeeeeesss, indeedy oh lagooned one, would you like to stop there, or go for the big prize?

        • C_R_Eature

          I'm gonna Bet It All!

          I think…it looks like… that foul, perfectly disgusting Vomitous Mass pictured at the very far right of the video!

          What did I win?

          • Blueb4sunrise


            What you win is that I have decided to tell the name of the dog. I hesitate because I fear that no one will believe it. But I swear on Lizzie's boobies that it's true.

          • C_R_Eature

            Magnificent Herald Trumpet. Thanks!

            And… (don't worry, we'll believe you. Honest.)

          • Blueb4sunrise

            It is Tucker.
            Absolutely true.
            A n old Doxy I'm watching for friends . He requires a lot of watching due to his age.

            Aaaaaaaaand [also absolutely true, just for future reference] has an anal cyst.

          • C_R_Eature

            Ahhhh I knew it! Just from your reluctance – it had to be! That's just too perfect a coincidence not to be Real Life. No one would make that up. Outstanding!!

            The Anal Cyst is just the topper. I hope Tucker Carlson is the type of narcissist-obsessive that Googles himself and sees this. That would make my day (IF YOU'RE READING THIS FUCK YOU CARLSON!)

            Doxies are very sweet and they are true Sporting dogs. I've seen them retrieve in water (!)

    • Barrelhse

      HE ATE IT ANYWAY??!?!

      • Blueb4sunrise

        I'm sorry, but you didn't buzz first.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Ya know, it was only the third time I refreshed that I got what you meant.

        So you deserve a prize anyway. What have we got for Barrelhse, Johnny?
        A recording of 'Head-Rag Hop ' by Romeo Nelson.

        • Barrelhse

          I love that song- I have it on 'Shake Your Wicked Knees' (Yazoo). Thanks for the swell prize!

    • flamingpdog

      It's way too late to guess, but, for possibly the first time ever on teh Wonkette, let it be said: NO pics or GTFO!1!!

  • southernbeale

    Three white people talking about black people being racists. Yeah, that's got a lot of credibility.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      It's racist of you to make such an observation. Apparently.

      • But Faux Newz' manage-a-twat forgot to Tucker their sheets in.

        • flamingpdog

          Tucker's full of sheet.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Shorter Tucker:

    "Fucking Coons."

  • An_Outhouse

    From the picture, it looks like Fucker has become the Fuckee.

    ( I didn't watch the video. I may waste time on Wonkette but I wasn't born yesterday).

  • fuflans

    i would like to know who takes pictures of poo.

    • Biff

      Don't you?

    • Barb

      shitty photographers?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      I would have taken pics of the dog shit/eat/vomit /eat/ shit sequence mentioned just above, but don't have a cam.

    • Guppy

      No, you do not.

    • It's a tough living, but in commercial photography you take what work you can get. It's amazing how often photo stock outfits get calls for poo pix, or did before the internet.

    • flamingpdog

      I have a feeling there's more than one Tumbl'r page dedicated to shit pics, but I ain't gonna be the one to investigate.

  • __kth__

    I thought we were having a conversation about who kills who then doesn't get charged for it. What conversation is Tucker talking about?

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    OT, SCOTUS news

    Scalia mocks and says he'll strike down a provision in the ACA which isn't actually in the ACA; crowd laughs with him not at him.

    He then goes on to whinge that the law is too long and hard for him to read, boo hoo, therefore he'll just stone cold strike it down because of the Herman Cain Doctrine or something.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Oh, that really irked me. I know it's long but is he not capable of reading through the thing or at least getting his staff to do so?
      My guess is he's just unwilling to find out what actually is in it to begin with.

      Thanks a lot, Ronnie Fuckin' Reagan.

      • sullivanst

        He's asked to do his damned job, and he invokes the 8th amendment. So, by Scalia's book waterboarding and nipple electrocution are just fine, but a little light reading in large fonts, double-spaced with wide margins is cruel and unusual punishment? Our editrix doesn't want me to explain what I'm ideating right now.

        On a lighter note, though, I bet Kagan's a blast at parties. A couple of her quips made me laugh reading the day 2 transcript, and I see she got a nice jab back at Scalia today ;)

    • Negropolis

      I'm not holding out much hope, but part of me wishes they uphold this just so that Scalia gets smackdown. He's so fucking smug; he doesn't deserve to be on the bench, not with that kind of personality.

      I still don't think this thing is going as badly as the media is making it out to be. I still think this is a crap shoot. I'm not at all convinced that Kennedy will overturn the law.

      • Angry_Marmot

        I'd like to see this love letter to the insurance companies knocked down and replaced by single payer insurance– the bill to be delivered for my signature by a purple zebra striped unicorn wearing Krispy Kreme donuts on its horn, ridden by a nymph of the same general proportions as Nigella Lawson. (I'm guessing 5-4 against, for the wrong reasons.)

        • Negropolis

          You know, I've heard the blogosphere try to spin a potential loss of this case as a starting point for single payer, but you know in your heart that that is not where it's going to go if this gets struck down. We don't do big things, anymore; we implement small steps. If they kill this, we're decades out from taking a crack at it, again, unless the president gets re-elected and then out-of-the-blue somehow changes what he's always been.

      • Maybe just wishful thinking, but I don't think Kennedy has made his mind up yet either. Sure would help if most of these jurists (and congress) had some sort of "salary is tied to the median citizen's annual income and benefits index" sorta thing. Then they'd know a little more about living without the Gold-Plated Cadillac Healthcare Plan… You know; "empathy".

  • Madame Editrix, where did you get the photo of Tucker skinny dipping?

    • C_R_Eature

      That's the most disgusting Hot Tub photo I've ever seen.

      • She freakin' took it down, she freakin' took it down. Tucker's attnys talkin' teh nasty or sumpin'?

  • Okay, enough with this humor mixed with blood-curdling outrage, and let's just mainline some pure, un-cut blood-curdling outrage:

    Remember how that police report mentioned that George Zimmerman had those injuries? And this was cited as the basis for the extreme credulity they showed for his claim of self-defense?

    Well, yeah. About that…

    • Chichikovovich

      Thanks. Equally, if not more damning in that link was the funeral director's report that Martin's hands didn't show any injuries.

      • Guppy

        That can still be dismissed as "hearsay," but the video itself will be harder to handwave away.

        • Chichikovovich

          True, but if the police didn't examine the hands for damage consistent with the claimed punching, it's yet one more example of how scandalously unprofessional this whole investigation has been. If nothing else, the condition of the hands should be in the autopsy report. (I realize, of course, that there is a lot of old-fashioned covering up that appears to be going on, but there are certain things that a police department is supposed to check as a matter of course. When an outside police agency comes in and finds those things not done, it will be pretty damning.)I hope the funeral director had the presence of mind to photograph the hands, with at least one of the photos having Trayvon's face in the picture.—

    • SayItWithWookies

      I was wondering, when the after-the-fact witness accounts came out, if there was any way of disputing them. It just seemed really odd that this "Joe" character's account hadn't appeared at the same time the first reports had. I also still don't understand why Zimmermann is being called a self-reported neighborhood watch captain, as though nobody believes he was anything but a one-man neighborhood vigilante squad.

      Edit: okay, here we go — not the original source, but quoted from it:

      "The state attorney impaneled a grand jury, but before anything else could be done, the governor stepped in and asked us to pick it up in mid-stream," Angela Corey, the special prosecutor on the case said.

      So what the hell is Rick Scott doing stopping this? It's very odd.

      Oh, and then there's the thing in TPM today about how the grand jury that would've indicted Zimmermann was called off by Rick Scott. I'll see if I can find the link, but that seemed highly unusual too.

      • flamingpdog

        Oh, for fuck's sake!

        • SayItWithWookies

          Okay, I made a couple of mistakes here —

          First off, my "Edit" was in the middle of my original comment, and I meant it to be at the end, after what is still the last paragraph. Sorry for the confusion. I thought I was getting senile for a minute there, 'cause I thought that paragraph had disappeared. I was just overzealously editing, apparently.

          Second, it appears that what the Special Prosecutor is saying is that the case was taken away from the grand jury and given to her. I'd read the account originally to mean the governor had stopped the investigation entirely.

          So false alarm. Sorry.

    • Thanks for posting that, the right will still be repeating the lie six months from now and I knew there had to be something off, This is damning.

    • George Zimmerman’s father gave an interview to a Florida TV station tonight, and said he “never foresaw so much hate coming from the President."

      Wow…just wow…you murder one innocent kid and everyone calls you a jerk for no reason! Even when they do not call you a jerk but do not sufficiently praise you!

  • Joshua Norton

    Maybe it’s best for Tucker to wank high-mindedly in one of Romney's quiet rooms, and leave the real discussion to people who’ve been mugged by right-wing reality.

  • AbandonHope

    I'm usually pretty laid back when it comes to, well, just about anything… but if I wanted to see a picture of shit, I'd have looked in a Republican's porn folder.

    • MadBrahms

      Yeah, I usually am a huge fan of the images attached to articles on Our Wonkette, but I also tend to read it over lunch, and pictures of actual crap in a toilet are just too much.

      Not that it wasn't apt, mind you.

  • Limeylizzie

    When I think of Tucker Carlson I think of this…

    • Could we ask King Kong or the Jolly Green Giant if they'd be interested in using Tucker for a variant of gerbilling?

    • Barb

      Oh God, I thought it was a penis with teeth!

      • Limeylizzie

        Pretty huh?

      • So now you can empathize with that vagina dentata (Latin for "Callista syndrome") phobia a little better, eh?

        • Barb

          Flown, good to see you! Yes, I empathize.

    • Guppy


    • C_R_Eature

      A"a bratwurst with teeth."

      However appropriate a comparison to Tucker Carlson this is…it is still NAKED MOLE RAT LIBEL!!1!!1

    • flamingpdog

      Praise Jeebus, my internet is slow tonight, and I saw the words "naked mole rat" before the web page actually opened up. WHEW!!

    • Angry_Marmot

      The little bastards live to be 30 and are immune to cancer, so I hope you're wrong.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Hey, give Tucker some credit. At lest he isn't advancing what seems to be the favorite argument of the Right now days: Why are we not talking about black on black violence? Because so many gang members get to walk free after killing another black man and claiming they were chasing them in self-defense. Hell, it is amazing that anyone is in prison now days.

    • MadBrahms

      All of the overcrowding is because black people want to go to prison, for the free food and healthcare! See what the liberals and their welfare state have created?!

  • PubOption

    Hispanic people can indeed be either white or black, consider Sammy Sosa for an example.

  • Look, Wonkette, I know you're angry, but can we take the imagery down a notch? Today my sense of sight has been assaulted with a beheaded mouse and now with poop in the toilet. Ok, the beheaded mouse was kind of funny, which is why I didn't say anything then, but now we've got poop in the toilet and the next thing you know it will be the Jews and then there won't be anybody left when they come for me. You know what I'm saying? Some of us are trying to eat here.

    • iburl

      i was just abort to consume a taco, so i feel you.

    • CountryClubJihadi

      Indeed. Although my brother the plumber may take delight in "breaking surface", "dry docked", and "dropping Fat Albert off at the pool" imagery, I simply do not care for fecal matter of any sort.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Wait. Your brother's been dry docked before?

        Diff'rent strokes, diff'rent folks, I guess.

    • Kinda takes the wind out of that "Rules for Commenting Radicals" bullshit, don't it?

    • Now that the image has been replaced with a stock photo, I see that Rebecca had a point. Where is that line? If it's on the other side of Tucker Carlson in a polyester pirate shirt, who's to say it's on this side of an unflushed toliet? Being a Wonkette editor is a hard job if you have to make calls like that.

    • Thanks for clearing that up. I thought that was a big turd earlier, but I was eating, so I didn't look closer. Then it was gone. I started to think I was just having poolucinations.

  • chascates

    I'll confess I don't watch teevee and only know of Carlson from the web. So I checked out Wikipedia to get the lowdown and he certainly seems like a one-percentor!
    Carlson grew up wealthy in Carlsbad, a suburb of San Diego. He is the elder son of Richard Warner Carlson, a former Los Angeles news anchor and U.S. ambassador to the Seychelles who was president of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and director of Voice of America.[3] His adopted mother is Patricia Caroline Swanson (born 1945), former wife of Howard Feldman and an heiress to the Swanson food-conglomerate fortune.[3][4] He has a brother, Buckley Swanson Peck Carlson.[5][6] A great-uncle was Sen. J. William Fulbright.[4]
    He attended St. George's School, a boarding school in Newport, Rhode Island. After graduation, he majored in History at Trinity College in Hartford, Connecticut.
    He is married to Susan Carlson, née Andrews. They have four children: Lillie, Hopie, Dorothy, and Buckley

    He named one child 'Hopie' and another 'Buckle'?

    • Barrelhse

      I can adopt a mother?

      • chascates

        Adopting one who's an heiress is the only way to go!

    • If you can stomach it here is 14 minutes of why people hate Tucker Carlson.

      • C_R_Eature

        Really making an effort to dial the Rage back from 11. Can not watch. Sorry.

        • Just imagine how insufferable Santorum would be with that sweet Swanson cash.

          • C_R_Eature

            You're not helping.

    • I didn't want to tell you, but my real name is Sherbourne Latrobe Jukington IV. My friends call me Princess. I call them Fucking Coons. It's a term of endearment.

    • flamingpdog

      He named one child 'Hopie'

      Tucker has a blah daughter???

  • Good thing the corpse of Alan Colmes was there to present a liberal point-of-view.

  • rocktonsam

    I've haven't seen so many blahs on FOX NEWZ , in forevers.

    Who is cleaning the toilets?


  • elfgoldsackring

    We're gonna need a bigger plunger.

  • C_R_Eature

    "Trayvon Martin's parents went before a congressional panel and thanked those who turned their 17-year-old son's death into a cry against racial profiling. Martin's parents spoke at a Capitol Hill forum that began with a moment of silence" – CS Monitor, 03-18-12.

    I heard some of Martin's mom's address to the panel on the way in to work today. She was clearly unused to public speaking, stumbled over a word or two and just a little nervous but she was determined and calm.
    In essence, her message to us is that we should all put away vigilantism and the desire for revenge, in honor of her son's memory but that justice needs to be done, for her son and for others.
    Both of Trayvon Martin's parents exhibited a sad maturity, strength of character and Grace.

    All characteristics which Tucker Carlson and these FOX propagandists are very sadly lacking in.

    I've got he Blues, now and so I think we all could use a bit of Live Eric Clapton, backed up b a bonafide gospel choir. I think this may help. I hope so.

    Holy Mother

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Good one. In that spirit I wish the best to Tucker Carlson so that he can stop being such an asshole.

      • C_R_Eature

        Thank you. I'd purely love for at least some of these fools to just grow the fuck up and join the human race. I guess there's always hope, eh?

  • Randy Marsh, eat your heart out*.

  • iburl

    "fucking coons" is "not racial" if you wear a bow tie and fail on dancing with the stars

  • I'll take "Things I Don't Want to See Today" for 500, Alex.

  • elviouslyqueer

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

    What? No, I'm not talking about that piece of shit. I'm referring to the piece of shit who keeps flapping his faggoty jaws about race baiters.

  • I understand that Tucker has said that he won't wear bow-ties again until the Class War is over and his side wins. Meanwhile he'll continue to defend privelege with overbearing petulance, righteous indignation and veiled racism, like here. The empathy is weak in this one.

    • flamingpdog

      The brain is weak in this one.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Thank you, Mistress, for the new imagery. x CCJ

    • Guppy

      It leaves me ambivalent, since now future generations (at the Library of Congress) will have no idea what half the comments on this article are about.

  • C_R_Eature


  • At least I didn't want to punch the turd in the face.

    • No prob. Punch the face of the turd in the blue shirt.

  • Beowoof

    Do you get the sense that Tucker was beat up by a black guy when he was in high school.

    • flamingpdog

      I kind of doubt there was a black guy at his high school unless it had a track team or scholarships for preachers' kids (just thinking of my own personal college experience), but I sense that he was beaten up by more than one white guy.

  • Ducksworthy

    Tucker does remind me of some sort of Bait. Something extremely rotten that might attract.. say crabs and eels.

  • RadioStalingrad

    Rebecca, I see what you did there. What is grosser than a poop in a toy-toy? You found it.

    • iburl

      Where did she find a picture of a turd ripping his shirt off?

  • Funny how the same "people" that insist the shooting was not a racial issue at all keep wanting to bring up racial issues to defend the shooting.

  • Limeylizzie

    Where's the poo?

    • coolhandnuke

      It's still there…it's passing through its' blue period.

    • Right there in the blue shirt.

      [yes, I know… Variations on a Theme by FlownOver]

    • It got a shave, a haircut, and some new clothes.

    • Much like bread and wine it has transubstatiated.

    • flamingpdog

      Not having gotten here until after the poo pic disappeared, and I may regret saying this, but I kind of wish our editrix had left the poo pic up because I about hurled when I saw that blue-shirted weasel holding his shirt like he was about to rip it open and show us his manboobs.

      • Limeylizzie

        It was an awesome poo pic. , very large, nestled in the bottom of the bowl.

        • It was VERY large, and that's comin' from a guy who actually had to get the plunger out today. Knobby and rugged (like it was borne of a week-long constipation bout), too. Ever seen the Seinfeld ep with the marble rye? Like that, but just brown, displacing about 1/3rd of the bowl's water by volume. Oh, and bumpy. Those bumps would make a Shit Phrenologist's career!

          If you'd like any more description of the Vanished Turd, I'll have a copy of my full dissertation on your desk tomorrow morning.

    • Can't believe our new Editrix bowed to poopie pressure.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I want to say something cutting and funny about Tucker here, but man I just CAN'T WATCH this. I am kinda almost feeling calm for a second (it has taken some doing to get here) and I KNOW he will ruin this. I can say from the picture there that a skinny tie is no better. It looks like an arrow pointing to where all the bullshit comes out and fists wanna go in. Tucker really is the worst – I hate that people go to him to know about stuff. It's like, where can I go to get the smugly ignorant dickbag P-O-V…oh good, the daily caller…

    • C_R_Eature

      I'm not watching this either – rage issues and the story has just gotten me too Down.

      To be fair to FOX, the intellectual bench of the Right has gotten pretty thin and, as we all know, you go to broadcast with the jerkoffs you have, not the jerkoffs you wish you had.

    • Negropolis

      I absolutely can't subject myself to this, today. Even the higher-brow and more legitimate conservsations on this issue have left me emotionally drained. I am exasperated. Every day I wake up and Zimmerman still hasn't been arrested is like someone punching you in the stomach.

      I CAN NOT even imagine what his parents and brother must be going through. It is hard enough to lose anyone under any circumstance, but for your kid to be murdered, and the murder is not only out on the streets, but that the police know where he is and are basically protecting him would leave me nearly immobile.

  • chascates

    See his side of it, people! Whenever Tuckster hears about black people it's because they've been killed, let out of prison, or are involved in politics! Of those in politics, some regular 'black-face' GOP folks (4 or 5) and the rest crazy, victim-lovin' moochers!

    He went to St. George's School for chrissake! So give the little bow-tied wearing poseur a break! Or at the very least a compound fracture.

  • Negropolis

    I'm not going to watch that video, but I am so tired of conservatives dragging inner-city violence into the discussion as if it's relevant to the case. This case has gotten national attention for one very big reason: A vigilante killed an unarmed teen (probably because of his race, but even that is secondary) who he was stalking and has not been arrested. How much more needs to be said?

    These fuckers wish that the left is trying to incite racial unrest, because that would make it so very easy to dismiss this. When you have 70% of the nation saying that Zimmerman should be arrested, they've already lost the argument. They are through. This kind of distraction is all they have left. The loudest voices in the conservative movement are morally bankrupt and have lost all legitimacy to talk about issues like these, anymore, and be taken serious.

    If George Zimmerman would have simply been arrested, this wouldn't be a mulit-week story. It's just that simple.

    • Exactly. But then this is really all they have as "not shooting folks minding their own business" is hardy controversial to normal folks.

    • savethispatient

      Not only that, but under any sane legal system*, even if the shooter was actually defending himself and in fear of his life, he should have been arrested just so due process can occur.

      *Oh wait, Florida. Right.

  • obfuscator2

    congratulations, republican party! you are officially nothing more than a soulless multi-headed* trolling apparatus. you serve no other purposes beyond enraging rational people and pandering to the most vile and backwards pieces of human excrement in existence.

    *all the heads are crazy fugly.

    • Negropolis

      I'm sure you meant enraging "irrational" people, but you are totally right. I'd never thought of them that way. The entire party is nothing more than a national troll. It can not be respected; it can not be taken as a legitimate opposition, let alone a legitimate governing partner.

      • I think they enrage the rational and irrational alike. After all, the folks around here are generally pretty rational, but it still doesn't take much from Fox to get us all itching to punch something.

  • Negropolis

    Yes, Tucker. Race should only be talked about in quiet rooms, and by white people, only, if that wasn't already implied. Minorities shouldn't be trusted to talk about issues that disproportionately happen to them. Oh, woe is the white conservatives' burden! If only Trayvon would have reported himself to a total adult stranger following him in a car with a gun, none of this would have ever happend. Look at what they made poor George do!

    Karma can take time, but it always comes back around.

    • obfuscator2

      as a friend of mine says, "people who say that it's impolite to talk about money are always assholes who are afforded that luxury".

  • It has probably been said already in the comment stream, but Trayvon Martin is the unscariest looking "thug" I have ever seen. In every one of them he looks like what he is–a gangly high school kid.

  • I just got here, so I haven't checked the liebruhl rageometer yet. But here's a little gas on that fire: NRA BEGINS SELLING HOODIES WITH POCKET TO CONCEAL HANDGUNS

    • RadioStalingrad

      Just celebrating our Second Amendment Rights!!1!
      As I've said all along: Arm the Black Teenagers!!1!

  • RadioStalingrad

    Alright guys, I've had this in my craw for quite awhile. Here goes:
    This travesty in Florida is sad. And probably, probably, Zimmerman should be in a jail cell with a manslaughter charge. But, he invoked a NRA sponsored legislative loophole (Sharia Law?) that protected him. To me, that's another sham: this bullshit right wing legislation — "Stand Your Ground." Probably racist cops and a chickenshit DA too. But, we can all agree, run this through a Grand Jury or the Justice Dept or something. Breaking news: our justice system is flawed. But, it's all we got.
    So, the MSM picks this up first, two weeks later nonetheless. A black kid walking through a neighborhood is targeted by a vigilante cop wannabe with a carry license. Then "something" happens. The kid is dead. That is always a tragedy. The right wing propaganda machine takes a week or two to come up with a talking point strategy. So now we are in this despicable situation where fragments of evidence are trickling in and both sides are in a feeding frenzy. Ratings!!
    But do we really want to evaluate the "something" on the teevee or on the blogosphere? It's not a rush to judgement, it's another charade of justice layered onto all the previous complexities. Nice move Black Panthers with the $10 G bounty. Why don't you throw gasoline on the KKK cross? Wingtards inflaming the situation further. Fuck nuts like Russ and Bowtie Boy riding the racist fear gravy train. Likewise, MSNBC, back the fuck off. Let the same pitiful justice system that exonerated OJ play it out. Not mob rules.
    OK, here's where I'll take it to another level — and probably take some more hits. This crime will probably never be fully resolved. There is vagary in most crimes of this magnitude. But what bugs me to no end, and I've never had explained to me, is why did the greatest crime of the last fifty years get solved within hours, if not minutes, of its happening. Within minutes of the WTC going down, they knew it was Islamic terrists. By that afternoon it was 19 hijackers with boxcutters under the direction of OBL. Crime solved. From the Toronto Sun to the Times, the next day edition had the full account. Mohammed Atta, passports found on the ground, the WHOLE thing worked out. Never questioned or changed. I find that odd. So sue me.
    From Tawana Brawley to Reginald Denny to Dick Cheney to WMD's to today. I plead with you, my brethren, step back, understand the sublime and manipulation. As Howard Zinn said: The government lies. And do you think the media is any better?

    • Looks like Zimmerman wasn't too beat up (like his lawyer said, "broken nose", etc.):

      But yeah, the facts aren't in for almost any aspects of the case – but as far as comparing the open-and-shut case of 9/11 to this, I'd say it's a matter of ineptitude. FL has a shoe-string ("Randian" –according to a Florida friend of mine) budget for services like police, considering they have no state income tax. When that sort of police force opened a hack investigation, it's not hard to see why they can't do anything but look like bumbling idiots to the world. But when multiple high-profile sites get hit by hijackers one day, that investigation started and was opened by the Best Of The Best from minute one.

      • Our pal Matthew Boyle over at Tucker's Daily Caller shopped a "wound" on Zimmerman's head from the still of that video. I wish I was kidding about that.

        • Whaaa? That's ri-dailycaller-ous!

        • RadioStalingrad

          This is going to be more fucked up than Yoko Ono's 2nd album.

    • Negropolis

      Sorry, but this crime got the way it was because the basics of it are exceedingly clear, particularly the most basic fact: you've got a homicide that was bungled in the very best scenario for the killer, and at its worse, a cover-up.

      It's bullshit to pretend that enough is not known about the case to make the judgement that the killer should have been arrested. This case has touched such a nerve exactly because of how clean it is. Melissa Harris-Perry actually made a good point, last night, on Lawrence about how the trying of the small details in the public was really kind of irrelevant. The issue is there being no arrest, and not even the attempt at an honest investigation. All the other details are just gravy.

      I don't buy that this is a viral media story. People push viral bullshit all the time on the net and the media and the public doesn't bite on.

      A bit OT, but let's make the victim in this story a criminal casing houses or having burglarized a home, already. An armed George Zimmerman following the perp and then getting out of his car to confront him and then killing him would still be manslaughter at the very least even under their twisted fucking "stand your ground " law.

      This story is particularly egregious and heated…as it should be. BTW, that you even mention Tawana Brawley in the same breath as this case shows me you left the rails somewhere when you started typing that.

      • Agreed he should be arrested and charged – it's insane. I think what RS was getting at is how the media whips even us skeptical folk into a frenzy of spin and lather, and to step back and wait for the "official" details to come in before just swallowing the media's narrative.

    • Dashboard Buddha


      And that my friend, is where the 24 news cycle ate us whole. Those 24 hours need to be filled with something…something that will generate ad revenue. Facts and sober reporting aren't sensational enough to do the job. Enter the pundits to get people frothed up and planted on their sofa, watching ads.

      Historians in the future (be they human or cockroach or alien) will look at the inception of the 24 hour news cycle as the beginning of the end.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Should be " Who kills whom in this country." Objective case, y'all.

  • proudgrampa

    Tucker is such a fucker.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Alt-text apology accepted. All is forgiven.

  • WonkCynic

    The military industrial complex preys on black men the same way that liberal media whores prey on closeted republican white men.

  • Sadly, yes. That Best Of The Best. And they've got the Best Of The Best PR Dept., too, explaining the excellent timing and distribution of their messaging.

  • I challenge Tucker Carlson to a fistfight and he can even have that other bug-eyed guy on his side.

    • He'll never accept your challenge. He's a coward.

      • He may have heard about me being one of the toughest kids in my school.

    • C_R_Eature

      OId-fashioned Duel, but with paintball guns, at 20 paces.

      With a little weapon practice, I could probably get off a snap shot to his Balls that he'd never forget.

  • HeadyBoleyn

    It's as if the Republican establishment sees a public trend of support & a winning issue & just runs the other way. Everyone loves birth control? Let's talk about banning it. People think government should stay out of a woman's medical care? I know, vaginal probes. The entire nation coming together to decry what they see as injustice? Let's call them race baiters.

    How are they going to win an election if they're so contrary? I think they forgot how to "do politics."

  • ElPinche

    ZzzZZZZ Who gives a fuck what the silver spooned frozen poultry debutant asshole thinks, anyways?

  • He1senberg

    I can see that you finally took down the picture! Come on Wonkette haha…did one of your staff produce that themselves? That picture just mad me sad.

  • C_R_Eature

    Fellow Wonkeratti:

    I suggest that the next time Tucker Carlson is featured Live on FOX, we all concentrate our considerable collected brainpower, as in Steve Allen's short story "The Public Hating", to cause him to experience a Spontaneous Violent Gastrointestinal Evacuation.
    All over the studio and, hopefully, the obligatory Blonde Foxbot next to him.

    If anyone deserves this, it's Carslon.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Allen Colmes desperate plea that he never wants to be on Faux again should not go unnoticed….

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey! What happened to the turd?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Turd pops out, turd is flushed down. You can't explain it.

      • Editrix had a Depends™ moment. Did Tucker's attnys beat her senseless?

  • bflrtsplk

    I'm a professional masturbator. That counts, right?

  • He1senberg

    NRA= What the fuck?? To any interested check this noise out. Apparently they're now selling hoodies with a concealment pocket. Nice.

  • el_chupacabra

    Do i really have to be the one to say it? Hey! If you want to be taken seriously, LOSE THE GIANT PINK COWBOY HAT. Seriously. What the hell is that? Please tell me it's some kind of anti-cancer hat or something.

    Anyway, fuck Tucker Carlson. That position hasn't changed in a decade.

  • I preferred the original picture of Tucker.

  • TK

    Thanks for the racial insight, (((Ms. Schoenkopf))).

    “Dude, fuck that noise.”

    I will gently encourage you to quit appropriating black argot. Thank you in advance.

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