BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB IRAN  3:43 pm March 28, 2012

Rand Paul Turns Down Veep Slot to Marry True Love (Iran)

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Look at this fucking hippie

Well looks like someone has decided not to fight Marco Rubio to the death for the chance to be the losing vice presidential nominee of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Rand Paul ibn Ron has now totally taken everyone’s war ball and gone home. Rand Paul is not going to let you just unanimously consent to “sanctions” against the Ayatollah (is he still there? It is still 1979, right?) should he or they or whomever is now in charge decide to get them a nookular bomb and rain hellfire from the skies, as is their right as a sovereign nation. But why won’t Rand Paul consent to “sanctions”? Because sanctions are war. So now Rand Paul is the most powerful Chomskyite on the planet.

Okay, first Google result for “definition of economic sanctions:”

Economic sanctions are domestic penalties applied by one country (or group of countries) on another for a variety of reasons. Economic sanctions include, but are not limited to, tariffs, trade barriers, import duties, and import or export quotas. The most famous example of an economic sanction is the fifty-year-old United States embargo against Cuba.

Note conspicuous lack of word “combat.” Now, take it away, RawStory quoting Rand Paul!

“Before sending our young men and women into combat, we should have a mature and thoughtful debate over the ramifications of and over the authorization of war and over the motives of the war,” [Paul said].

The bill would penalize U.S. parent firms for certain Iran-related activities of their foreign subsidiaries and mandate sanctions for anyone that provides Iran with equipment that aids censorship or the suppression of human rights.

It would also formally state that U.S. policy is intended to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon and sanction uranium mining joint ventures with Iran’s government outside of Iran.

Your Wonkette finds itself in the odd, loguey state of finding “reasonable” a bill passed by the GOP House, so we will assume Rand Paul is right and this is just a reach-around to that part they said about it being the intention of the US to prevent A WARNING IN THE FORM OF A MUSHROOM CLOUD and therefore “sanctions” would mean totes going in and kicking Iran’s ass instead. Also, Rand Paul is a fucking hippie now, the end. [RawStory]

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Hola wonkerados.

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nounverb911 March 28, 2012 at 3:45 pm

We have always been at war with Galt's Gulch.

glamourdammerung March 28, 2012 at 5:41 pm

If only the Paultards would leave to "make us all sorry". They could take the Kochs, but I doubt they would wish to live in a Randian "utopia" AKA Somalia.

freakishlywrong March 28, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Ayn wept.

actor212 March 28, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Ayn Rand so far….

ChernobylSoup March 28, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Remember that terrible Oscars telecast when David Letterman kept saying "Iran, Ayn Rand, Iran, Ayn Rand?"

OzoneTom March 28, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Forsaken by Aqua-Buddha?

actor212 March 28, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Sitting on a yoga mat, eyeing little girls with bad….er, what rhymes with mat?

FlownOver March 28, 2012 at 4:12 pm


doloras March 28, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Instead of Cross-Eyed Mary, we have Crazy-Eyed Michele.

Baconzgood March 28, 2012 at 3:48 pm

“Before sending our young men and women into combat, we should have a mature and thoughtful debate over the ramifications of and over the authorization of war and over the motives of the war,”

Or have Colin Powell bring a fucking bottle of anthrax to the UN. That works too, USA USA USA USA.

Designer_Rants March 28, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Uh, he had Visual Aides, too. That's what sealed the deal (of ending his career forever).

Goonemeritus March 28, 2012 at 3:49 pm

As a scientist I believe even the correct answer derived from a faulty experiment is inherently flawed. And in the annals of human thought there is no more faulty experiment than radical libertarianism.

actor212 March 28, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Mind if I translate?

"Even a blind squirrel trips over his own nuts from time to time"

OkieDokieDog March 28, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Iran wishes she were having his baby… so she could abort it.

bnerd85 March 28, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Rand sounds somewhat….. reasonable? Also, this just proves that he's really a stealth jihadist who wants Shariah Law, naturally….

SorosBot March 28, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Just wait until he talks about anything except war and he's back to a screeching lunatic Randian.

bnerd85 March 28, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Oh I know. It's the same as Ron. He sounds reasonable on like 3 issues and then like a maniac on all the rest.

Schmannnity March 28, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Against war? RINO!

Baconzgood March 28, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I was just going to say that. Great minds.

Chill-A-Sketch March 28, 2012 at 3:52 pm

"BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB IRAN" is John Bolton's favorite Beach Boys tune.

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2012 at 4:49 pm

John McCain says, "Hello."

Biff March 28, 2012 at 5:53 pm

People credit Jamacann for coining that song title, but it was an actual parody done by Vince Vance and the Valiants, made infamous on the Dr. Demento Show.

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2012 at 6:12 pm

I did not know that. < /Johnny Carson voice >

And the comments under that youtube clip are PRECIOUS.

actor212 March 28, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Exerting economic influence over a sovereign nation affects the rights of every individual here at home, so we should simply disband the American government.

littlebigdaddy March 28, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Fucking HOBBITS!

PuckStopsHere March 28, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Here are the most troubling words on Wikipedia, if not the entire Internet:
Randal Howard "Rand" Paul (born January 7, 1963) is the junior United States Senator for Kentucky.

valgal2342 March 28, 2012 at 4:04 pm

No need to remind me, I live with that shit as he is my… know, what you said at the end there.

valgal2342 March 28, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Oh and btw, it seems to be quite the consensus here in ol' Kentucky that he'll never get reelected. So there's that.

IceCreamEmpress March 28, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Oh, thank God for that. If you folks make that happen, I am going to buy you all a drink forever.

sullivanst March 28, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Reason most likely is that he'll be primaried out by an even more guano loco Repub.

IceCreamEmpress March 28, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Even so, a random crazy Republican senator from Kentucky scares me less than Rand Paul because of his father's army of flying monkeys Paulistas.

Negropolis March 29, 2012 at 1:14 am

Being a junior Senator from the state of Kentucky is equivalent to being one-thirds an actual real, full senator. So, I'm not much afraid. Now, if he happened to be the senior Senator from the state of New York, then I'd be a little afraid.

Try as he might — and bless his little heart — McConnell is still the senior Senate-Turtle from the State of Kentucky.

SayItWithWookies March 28, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I was listening to Rush today (just out of curiosity) and he said that the boycott against him was an act of terrorism — and I thought then that I had heard the stupidest thing it was possible to hear all day — silly me.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 4:09 pm

If so, then for once I want the terrists to win.

FlownOver March 28, 2012 at 4:17 pm

"I was listening to Rush today (just out of curiosity)…"

Me, I was reading Juggs today for the spinach soufflé recipes.

Baconzgood March 28, 2012 at 4:01 pm

How come that photo reminds me of Dieter from Sprockets?

"Would like to touch my aqua-budda? TOUCH MY AQUA-BUDDA!!!!"

straighteight March 28, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Dr. Strangewig or: How I Learned to Mimic My Father and Totally Not Love Bombing Iran

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 28, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Dear God people! I haven't had a good air campaign on my TV for years. What does it take to start a war in this country. It used to be we just did them for fun and ratings. No wonder CNN is in the toilet!

SteveMcCroskey March 28, 2012 at 4:03 pm

A mature and thoughtful debate in Congress? America is never going to war again. The end.

We'll just have to rely on Rand Paul and his army of giant sandworms to protect us.

FlownOver March 28, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Arrakis libel!

Arken March 28, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Like father, like son. Daddy Ron was the only person in congress to vote against the Darfur Divestment Act, which prevented the U.S. government doing any sort of business with the genocidal Sudanese government. Yes, that's right, Ron Paul voted against the government being restricted from spending money… because he's so consistent, or so his fans tell me.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 4:08 pm

1) Any act that interferes with profit is an act of war.

2) What's good for Milo Randerbinder Enterprises is good for America. And everyone has a share (who buys one).

3) If we attack Iran, I'm never going to unload all this Egyptian cotton.

elviouslyqueer March 28, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Also, Rand Paul is a fucking hippie pussy now and forever, the end, also.


James Michael Curley March 28, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I mean wouldn't it be cool if Ron Paul were the President and Rand Paul was the Vice President, that would be so rad. Like when Rand said something stupid like that Joe guy his dad would like clock him and lock up the TV on Thursday nights.

doloras March 28, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Yeah, they still got the Ayatollah, but it's a different Ayatollah now.

DaRooster March 28, 2012 at 4:32 pm

“Before sending our young men and women into combat, we should have a mature and thoughtful debate over the ramifications of and over the authorization of war and over the motives of the war,”

Why start now?

Chet Kincaid March 28, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Why, anything short of FedExing Iran a set of blueprints and a thermos full of uranium is an act of undeclared war!!

b[redact]opple March 28, 2012 at 4:41 pm

An embargo is an act of war. Everyone used to know that.

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 11:30 pm

A blockade is an act of war.

sullivanst March 28, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Of course, opposing sanctions is a good way to bring forth the point at which the administration decide force is necessary.

Rand Paul, why are you such a warmonger? Your dad will be mad! Oh wait, he already is mad. Batshit fucking crazy.

seppdecker March 28, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Can't Rand just create his own convention and delegates to name him ophthalmologist candidate?

IceCreamEmpress March 28, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I say we call Ron "Abu Rand" from now on as his nom de guerre guerre on lady vaginas.

ElPinche March 28, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I think Rand is at odds with this own hair vermin, "Galtito" who is really a democrat.

prommie March 28, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Rand is a little off, I think. Just a little, for now. Any given morning, though, he could wake up gibbering and run naked through the streets, pulling up flowers and throwing them at people while he furiously masturbates and people with nets and a straightjacket chase after him.

Boojum March 28, 2012 at 10:41 pm

…and nominate him as the Republican candidate.

glamourdammerung March 28, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I thought Aqua Buddah was still crying about highway funding since a lot of the bridges out of his state are falling apart.

But leave it to the spawn of Papa Doc Paul to be so stupid as to not know the difference between a war and sanctions and picking a totally inappropriate time to pontificate a completely unrelated point. In that one regard, the Pauls are usually consistent.

ttommyunger March 28, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Does he use house current or 220V to get that "do"?

Negropolis March 29, 2012 at 1:24 am

I'm just a bit confused. So, doing the only thing a nation can do to prevent something said nation promises will lead to war with the other is a bad thing?

I do understand that things have become to heated with Iran, trust me, though, it's definitely been brought down in the past few weeks. However, that doesn't mean that we don't need to be doing anything. Ending sanctions, in our system, only ensures that we will be brought to war. I'm really not getting how he's supposed to be the sensible Republican. If you understand how are system works, you realize that sanctions are the only thing that ever has a chance of keeping us out of war.

HeadyBoleyn March 29, 2012 at 2:43 am

The bill also prohibits any diplomatic resolutions, so it's a sliding run into War.

DahBoner March 29, 2012 at 9:35 am

Why is it whenever I see a picture of this hippy, all I can think about is Blonde Lebanese Hash

HexColor March 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Rand Paul will save the US treasury millions by doing everything against a war with Iran or Syrian invasion. But the day after, he’ll de-regulate/privatize and all those savings will end up with plutocrats all the same…

sullivanst March 28, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Meh. The Ronulans might be determined and coordinated, but they're just not at all numerous: there's a reason Paul is a very distant fourth in delegate, still hasn't managed to overtake Newt to move out of last place in national polling, and still hasn't won a single state.

Plus, their loyalty doesn't automatically transfer to Rand: he's not as "pure" as Ron, he walked back his opposition to the civil rights act, for example. For shame!

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