Rand Paul Turns Down Veep Slot to Marry True Love (Iran)

  bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb iran

Look at this fucking hippie

Well looks like someone has decided not to fight Marco Rubio to the death for the chance to be the losing vice presidential nominee of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Rand Paul ibn Ron has now totally taken everyone’s war ball and gone home. Rand Paul is not going to let you just unanimously consent to “sanctions” against the Ayatollah (is he still there? It is still 1979, right?) should he or they or whomever is now in charge decide to get them a nookular bomb and rain hellfire from the skies, as is their right as a sovereign nation. But why won’t Rand Paul consent to “sanctions”? Because sanctions are war. So now Rand Paul is the most powerful Chomskyite on the planet.

Okay, first Google result for “definition of economic sanctions:”

Economic sanctions are domestic penalties applied by one country (or group of countries) on another for a variety of reasons. Economic sanctions include, but are not limited to, tariffs, trade barriers, import duties, and import or export quotas. The most famous example of an economic sanction is the fifty-year-old United States embargo against Cuba.

Note conspicuous lack of word “combat.” Now, take it away, RawStory quoting Rand Paul!

 
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“Before sending our young men and women into combat, we should have a mature and thoughtful debate over the ramifications of and over the authorization of war and over the motives of the war,” [Paul said].

The bill would penalize U.S. parent firms for certain Iran-related activities of their foreign subsidiaries and mandate sanctions for anyone that provides Iran with equipment that aids censorship or the suppression of human rights.

It would also formally state that U.S. policy is intended to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon and sanction uranium mining joint ventures with Iran’s government outside of Iran.

Your Wonkette finds itself in the odd, loguey state of finding “reasonable” a bill passed by the GOP House, so we will assume Rand Paul is right and this is just a reach-around to that part they said about it being the intention of the US to prevent A WARNING IN THE FORM OF A MUSHROOM CLOUD and therefore “sanctions” would mean totes going in and kicking Iran’s ass instead. Also, Rand Paul is a fucking hippie now, the end. [RawStory]

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62 comments

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Remember that terrible Oscars telecast when David Letterman kept saying "Iran, Ayn Rand, Iran, Ayn Rand?"

  1. Baconzgood

    “Before sending our young men and women into combat, we should have a mature and thoughtful debate over the ramifications of and over the authorization of war and over the motives of the war,”

    Or have Colin Powell bring a fucking bottle of anthrax to the UN. That works too, USA USA USA USA.

  2. Goonemeritus

    As a scientist I believe even the correct answer derived from a faulty experiment is inherently flawed. And in the annals of human thought there is no more faulty experiment than radical libertarianism.

  3. bnerd85

    Rand sounds somewhat….. reasonable? Also, this just proves that he's really a stealth jihadist who wants Shariah Law, naturally….

    1. SorosBot

      Just wait until he talks about anything except war and he's back to a screeching lunatic Randian.

      1. bnerd85

        Oh I know. It's the same as Ron. He sounds reasonable on like 3 issues and then like a maniac on all the rest.

      1. Biff

        People credit Jamacann for coining that song title, but it was an actual parody done by Vince Vance and the Valiants, made infamous on the Dr. Demento Show.

        1. BarackMyWorld

          I did not know that. < /Johnny Carson voice >

          And the comments under that youtube clip are PRECIOUS.

  4. actor212

    Exerting economic influence over a sovereign nation affects the rights of every individual here at home, so we should simply disband the American government.

  5. PuckStopsHere

    Here are the most troubling words on Wikipedia, if not the entire Internet:
    Randal Howard "Rand" Paul (born January 7, 1963) is the junior United States Senator for Kentucky.

    1. valgal2342

      No need to remind me, I live with that shit as he is my…..you know, what you said at the end there.

    2. valgal2342

      Oh and btw, it seems to be quite the consensus here in ol' Kentucky that he'll never get reelected. So there's that.

      1. IceCreamEmpress

        Oh, thank God for that. If you folks make that happen, I am going to buy you all a drink forever.

          1. IceCreamEmpress

            Even so, a random crazy Republican senator from Kentucky scares me less than Rand Paul because of his father's army of flying monkeys Paulistas.

          2. sullivanst

            Meh. The Ronulans might be determined and coordinated, but they're just not at all numerous: there's a reason Paul is a very distant fourth in delegate, still hasn't managed to overtake Newt to move out of last place in national polling, and still hasn't won a single state.

            Plus, their loyalty doesn't automatically transfer to Rand: he's not as "pure" as Ron, he walked back his opposition to the civil rights act, for example. For shame!

    3. Negropolis

      Being a junior Senator from the state of Kentucky is equivalent to being one-thirds an actual real, full senator. So, I'm not much afraid. Now, if he happened to be the senior Senator from the state of New York, then I'd be a little afraid.

      Try as he might — and bless his little heart — McConnell is still the senior Senate-Turtle from the State of Kentucky.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    I was listening to Rush today (just out of curiosity) and he said that the boycott against him was an act of terrorism — and I thought then that I had heard the stupidest thing it was possible to hear all day — silly me.

  7. Baconzgood

    How come that photo reminds me of Dieter from Sprockets?

    "Would like to touch my aqua-budda? TOUCH MY AQUA-BUDDA!!!!"

  8. straighteight

    Dr. Strangewig or: How I Learned to Mimic My Father and Totally Not Love Bombing Iran

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Dear God people! I haven't had a good air campaign on my TV for years. What does it take to start a war in this country. It used to be we just did them for fun and ratings. No wonder CNN is in the toilet!

  10. SteveMcCroskey

    A mature and thoughtful debate in Congress? America is never going to war again. The end.

    We'll just have to rely on Rand Paul and his army of giant sandworms to protect us.

  11. Arken

    Like father, like son. Daddy Ron was the only person in congress to vote against the Darfur Divestment Act, which prevented the U.S. government doing any sort of business with the genocidal Sudanese government. Yes, that's right, Ron Paul voted against the government being restricted from spending money… because he's so consistent, or so his fans tell me.

  12. Doktor StrangeZoom

    1) Any act that interferes with profit is an act of war.

    2) What's good for Milo Randerbinder Enterprises is good for America. And everyone has a share (who buys one).

    3) If we attack Iran, I'm never going to unload all this Egyptian cotton.

  13. James Michael Curley

    I mean wouldn't it be cool if Ron Paul were the President and Rand Paul was the Vice President, that would be so rad. Like when Rand said something stupid like that Joe guy his dad would like clock him and lock up the TV on Thursday nights.

  14. DaRooster

    “Before sending our young men and women into combat, we should have a mature and thoughtful debate over the ramifications of and over the authorization of war and over the motives of the war,”

    Why start now?

  15. sullivanst

    Of course, opposing sanctions is a good way to bring forth the point at which the administration decide force is necessary.

    Rand Paul, why are you such a warmonger? Your dad will be mad! Oh wait, he already is mad. Batshit fucking crazy.

  16. IceCreamEmpress

    I say we call Ron "Abu Rand" from now on as his nom de guerre guerre on lady vaginas.

  17. prommie

    Rand is a little off, I think. Just a little, for now. Any given morning, though, he could wake up gibbering and run naked through the streets, pulling up flowers and throwing them at people while he furiously masturbates and people with nets and a straightjacket chase after him.

  18. glamourdammerung

    I thought Aqua Buddah was still crying about highway funding since a lot of the bridges out of his state are falling apart.

    But leave it to the spawn of Papa Doc Paul to be so stupid as to not know the difference between a war and sanctions and picking a totally inappropriate time to pontificate a completely unrelated point. In that one regard, the Pauls are usually consistent.

  19. Negropolis

    I'm just a bit confused. So, doing the only thing a nation can do to prevent something said nation promises will lead to war with the other is a bad thing?

    I do understand that things have become to heated with Iran, trust me, though, it's definitely been brought down in the past few weeks. However, that doesn't mean that we don't need to be doing anything. Ending sanctions, in our system, only ensures that we will be brought to war. I'm really not getting how he's supposed to be the sensible Republican. If you understand how are system works, you realize that sanctions are the only thing that ever has a chance of keeping us out of war.

  20. DahBoner

    Why is it whenever I see a picture of this hippy, all I can think about is Blonde Lebanese Hash

  21. HexColor

    Rand Paul will save the US treasury millions by doing everything against a war with Iran or Syrian invasion. But the day after, he’ll de-regulate/privatize and all those savings will end up with plutocrats all the same…

Comments are closed.