RIDDLE ME THIS  1:40 pm March 28, 2012

Townhall Columnist Wants Obamapology for 8-Year-Old Murder of White Man by Other White Man

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Not at all an insane crazy personSorry for the slow posting, dudes, we have spent hours and hours trying to figure out this doozy of a piece from Townhall “finance” columnist John Ransom, and we think we may have gotten it? No, we have not. Maybe you can? Let’s try together! Here is how it begins:

Mmmm, you can almost taste the healing going on around the world. As the oceans begin to recede, and Pharaoh’s army gets swallowed by the Red Sea, we should pause to thank the man who gave us this moment. That was some good healing you gave us, Mr. Post-Racial president. I remember when you first started advocating the Afghan “surge” strategy.

So it is about Afghanistan? Sort of, because staff Sgt. Robert Bales went all My Lai over there, so that is probably the president’s fault! But that is not why John Ransom wants an apology.

Then there was the Qaeda dude who killed the Jewish children in Toulouse, and that is Obama’s fault too — “That’s 12 more cases of Sudden Obama Healing Syndrome,” John Ransom writes. But that is not why John Ransom wants an apology.

But perhaps the biggest healing is the healing that has been going on at home in the US where the strategy from Democrats includes a class warfare surge and a race warfare surge that is contributing considerably to the outbreak of Sudden Obama Healing Syndrome. And it’s also obscuring Obama’s horrid track record on: 1) the economy; 2) energy; 3) anything that doesn’t involve vacations. I can almost feel an Obama seven-day, six-night vacation coming on.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the Trayvon Martin case, and nor do you.

So John Ransom would like an apology because Obama’s vacations led to Trayvon Martin’s death? Probably! Let us let John Ransom explain:

Drill, baby, drill. It’s all the more amazing because this week the Chicago Sun Times revealed that a nephew of former Obama chief of staff Bill Daley, Richard Vanecko, may have confessed to killing someone eight years ago, in a case “where irregularities in the investigation, including false official reports and a case file that went missing” may have contributed letting a Daley of Chicago get away with murder.

And you know what? The kid that allegedly got killed by Vanecko? His name was David Koschman and he looks a lot like my son.

Was he in fact John Ransom’s son? No, but he was white, and he was killed by a punch thrown in a bar fight by Bill Daley’s nephew, and Obama knows Bill Daley, who appears to be white as well. WHERE IS JOHN RANSOM’S APOLOGY FOR THIS WHITE-ON-WHITE VIOLENCE, NOOOBAMA?

Then there is something about the New Black Panther Party, because of course there is, and then some other brain vomit, and then this perfect, inarguable conclusion:

I guess with all this healing going on, no one wants to talk about jobs anymore.

Man, if only Obama would take a break from being responsible for all the world’s murders, maybe they would let him be responsible for the global depression! That sounds like a good trade. STOP MURDERING EVERYONE, NOBAMA. Impeach. [Townhall]

 
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{ 126 comments }

nounverb911 March 28, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Sorry, that murder was Bush's fault.

Allmighty_Manos March 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Fuck that, that murder has the marks of a Martin Van Buren hit all over it.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Have we already forgotten Obama's vendetta against Rutherford B Hayes? Where's the Obamapology for that one, huh?

Wile E. Quixote March 28, 2012 at 3:36 pm

No, if the murder happened eight years ago it was Bill Clinton's fault. See everything bad that happened between the 20th of January 1993 and the 20th of January 2009 was Bill Clinton's fault. Everything bad that happened after the 20th of January 2009 is Barack Obama's fault, the booming economy of the 1990s was due to the efforts of Ronald Reagan and Newt Gingrich. Everything good that has happened since 2009, such as the killing of Osama bin Laden, is due to the wise and far-seeing policies of the Bush administration.

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 4:58 pm

OK, but was Bill Clinton a time-traveling muslin, hennggh?

Lascauxcaveman March 28, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Rebecca, don't kill yourself trying to parse this thing. I think you may just have to accept the possibility here that John Ransom is simply r3t@rded.

Lucidamente1 March 28, 2012 at 1:48 pm

And that he may need a good sk*llf*cking.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 28, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I'm on it!

anniegetyerfun March 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Where's Obama's Outrage Over Murder of "My" Son?

Where's Obama's outrage, period? I've never seen a man less prone to emotion.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I think I've found the answer to that one

Chet Kincaid March 28, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Yeah, he's the most cold and aloof Muslim/Communist/Wall Street Tool/Morally Weak Smoker I've ever seen! Some people were promised President Samuel L. Jackson, apparently.

I don't need an Olbermann special comment every time I see the President — I would question his sanity if I did. And besides, every time he expresses Very Mild Annoyance at either the Right or the Left, white folks get their panties in a bunch, so fuck it.

For someone so "unemotional", he seems to have no trouble firing up a crowd when campaigning, or following through on as many of his promises as possible. Emotional burlesque seems beside the point.

anniegetyerfun March 28, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Given what he's put up with, half of the Republican party should have broken knees right now.

FROTHY March 29, 2012 at 8:40 am

Oh, but the BLAH man isn't dancing for them! Poutrage!

They want that guy from Idiocracy. That's what BLAH men are supposed to look/act like.

12X34X July 19, 2012 at 2:46 pm

I love you, Chet Kincaid.

FROTHY March 29, 2012 at 8:39 am

As a BLAH man, he knows all too well that ANY display of emotion will result in ooga-booga jungle-noise race-baiting SCARY BLACK MAN bullshit from the fucking honkies, OK?

anniegetyerfun March 29, 2012 at 10:52 am

Keep your shirt on. I like my men emotionally detached. I just find it amusing that the President's statement could be taken as “outrage” rather than simply sad.

MLite March 28, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Jesus. It makes Sarah Palin's word salad seem like the height of logical argument.

chicken_thief March 28, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I was thinking they might be related. Or read all the same magazines. Ransom's rant sounds like a collection of conservatard bumper stickers put into paragraph form.

MLite March 28, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I guess when you read "all of them," it's hard to consolidate your vast knowledge and analysis down to the form of coherent paragraphs.

straighteight March 28, 2012 at 1:47 pm

"In conclusion, I had a deadline to meet and this is the best I could do with the 10 minutes of time I allotted myself."

AutomaticPilot March 28, 2012 at 1:47 pm

He's still far more lucid than Sarah Palin.

Sassomatic March 28, 2012 at 1:47 pm

NOOOBAMA11!!1!!!!

8::::::::::D

That's all I've got.

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Balls.

AutomaticPilot March 28, 2012 at 1:55 pm

COMMENT OF THE DAY!!!

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 5:00 pm

But, by golly, that's enough.

ManchuCandidate March 28, 2012 at 1:47 pm

All I got is Angry Crazy white guy Angry and Crazy.

CountryClubJihadi March 28, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Actually, Rick Warren looks like John Ransom's son.

JudasPeckerwood March 28, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Dumb, drunk and conservative is no way to go through life, son.

anniegetyerfun March 28, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Wonketteers! DO NOT READ the comments on that article. Just don't.

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Thanks for putting the idea in my head, then. :P

elviouslyqueer March 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Oh, why do I never listen? Although I have to say, those Townhall morans put out some seriously impressive racism.

TheGyrus March 28, 2012 at 3:27 pm

My favorite was "What if Trayvon Martin was white?"

Uh…. then he would never have been shot?

Fukui-sanYesOta March 28, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Obama's presidency is not all bad; one good thing about it is that it gives liberal bigots (of all races) a chance to show how truly racist they are. The evil white male is the Jew in America today, with the liberal cult the Nazis. And yes, people can hate their own race, as white liberal bigots seem to do these days.

We had black ladies who took care of us when our mother worked. They were our family. They were like grandmothers to us. We could not wait for them to get there every morning. When they got sick or their family got sick, my mother would make food and bring it to their home. Until my mother died, she kept in touch with many of them. Two were younger sisters. They would call when they came to town. She would ask them to come for coffee and something to eat. I never knew hate until I moved to the city in 1976 and experienced it coming from the mouths of black people. The hate and racism I have witnessed in my life come exclusively from Blacks…EXCLUSIVELY.

mumblemumble EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE IDIOTS mumblemumblemumble

memzilla March 28, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Dear Mr. Ransom:

Germany called, and demanded an apology from you. So did France.

Your logic is so twisted it's giving pretzels and French hair braids a bad name.

National Snack Food and Hairstyle Libel!

SorosBot March 28, 2012 at 1:48 pm

"And it’s also obscuring Obama’s horrid track record on: 1) the economy; 2) energy; 3) anything that doesn’t involve vacations"

Huh? He's been fixing the economy and trying to move us off fossil fuels and decrease carbon dioxide emissions – that's a good track record. And fuck off with that tired and stupid vacation bullshit, you moron, when Bush took a shitload more than Obama ever did. Oh but I forgot, Bush was white and therefore deserved vacations, unlike that uppity negro who shouldn't be allowed to have nice things, you racist cock.

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

"Obama’s horrid track record on [...] energy"

Which, at the exact moment that it stops being "horrid", becomes the policy of a tree-hugging nut in the pocket of "Big Environment", who is strangling the jerb creators with useless Big Government regulations.

bureaucrap March 28, 2012 at 1:50 pm

"As the oceans begin to recede…" What the *&%^$ is he even talking about? I caught a Passover reference in there. Something having to do with Noah? It's not so much word salad as word detritus.

Lascauxcaveman March 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm

He was talking about that scene where Moses is leading the Jews out of Egypt and the pharaoh's army gets drowned. Because that's what happens when oceans recede.

Stupid dick has a problem with more than logic. It's broader problem with the meaning of English words.

FROTHY March 29, 2012 at 8:48 am

It's like he opened his mouth and a stream of shit flowed out of it, as sometimes happens when people have barfed up everything but their intestines are still spasming.

That's what reading him is like. I feel the need to pour bleach into my earholes. Or his piehole. Whichever works.

hagajim March 28, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Haven't the Daley's of Chicago been getting away with murder for years?

cheetojeebus March 28, 2012 at 1:50 pm

That's a real tough gordita knot there fella. It's like a taco wrapped in a wonton dipped in pizza sauce.

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Now you've gotten everybody here hungry.
Also possibly horny, depending on what kind of "wonton" you meant.

Schmannnity March 28, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I refuse to reread this to try to follow the line of thinking.

boobookitteh March 28, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I wish Babelfish had a 'Crazy to English' option.

dinkybossetti March 28, 2012 at 4:29 pm

The English version is much shorter: I am full of hate and understand nothing.

Negropolis March 29, 2012 at 2:07 am

You couldn't if you tried, nor would you want to be able to.

FROTHY March 29, 2012 at 8:49 am

Hahaha, you made a funny! You called it "thinking."

Goonemeritus March 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

The president also has a connection to Kevin Bacon and he used the profane expression “Balls" in at least one movie.

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Everyone here is connected to Kevin Bacon via baconzgood.

SteveMcCroskey March 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

It's nice that they got the Time Cube guy to write for them.

Biff March 28, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Holy fuck, that's bizarre! Reminded me of Ein Klein Hayakawa from a lifetime ago.

el_donaldo March 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Fine, you spend your time figuring out what a Town Hall columnist's diseased brain is attempting to disgorge. I'm trying to figure out what Wonketteers are going to do with a "From Around the Web" suggested links box. It gets you guys paid, I guess, but I'm not going to touch it.

prommie March 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Please touch it, please!

terriblyfamous March 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

It's funny when you read it with Eeyore?

fuflans March 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

to be fair, i would take an 'obama healing syndrome' any where, anytime, any day.

Exhausted66 March 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

GIVE ME BACK MY SON
-Ransom

KennyFuckingPowers March 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Its pretty bad when one nut case goes and ruins the perfect ten years Amurica had in Afghanistan.

flamingpdog March 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

1:40 PM and ONLY seven blog posts. I'm appalled!!!

WhatTheHolyHeck March 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

So someone who used to work for him had a nephew who killed somebody 8 years ago, before Obama had even hired the guy who would later work for him and now no longer does.

Clearly John Ransom is the greatest legal mind of our age.

FlownOver March 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

OK, here goes:

I apologize (with my fingers crossed, of course) and go fuck yourself.

Love and kisses,

Barry

HippieEsq March 28, 2012 at 1:53 pm

HAHA, Amateur. He forgot the SURGE IN THE WAR ON RELIGION.

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2012 at 1:53 pm

-1,000 for not understanding what makes the Trayvon Martin case newsworthy, and -10,000 for mocking those who do. Dipshit.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Oh, you mean the hoodie?

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake (to coin a phrase).

HippieEsq March 28, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Crap Wednesday. You must look forward to Mondays.

smashedinhat March 28, 2012 at 1:54 pm

This is of course a literary experiment along the lines of a WSB's cut up. No?

GuyClinch March 28, 2012 at 1:54 pm

"His name was John Ransom and he looks a lot like the watery shit I took this morning and had to flush several times to make it disappear."

John Birf Society March 28, 2012 at 1:55 pm

There is not a vas deferens between this nonsense and anything written by Sarah Palin.

FlownOver March 28, 2012 at 1:58 pm

The grammatically correct (albeit delusional) use of compound sentences tends to disprove a Palin provenance.

poorgradstudent March 28, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Holy shit, it's like someone cut up a bunch of my uncle's political e-mail forwards and pasted them together into a column.

Mumbletypeg March 28, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Someone set loose the hamsters from their cage wheel in She1ey Bachmann's brainpan; apparently now, they've been discovered making turdblossom jam using Ransom's thought-processor as a blender.

WiscDad March 28, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I'll have what he's smokin'

flamingpdog March 28, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I was gonna comment that, for once at teh Wonkette, I didn't want to know who the guy's pharmacist was.

prommie March 28, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Aaarrggghhhhh.

noodlesalad March 28, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Amurican conservatives – driving the car into the ditch and blaming the guy who comes with the tow truck since 1856.

Pithaughn March 28, 2012 at 2:40 pm

And they refuse to join triple A!

Grief_Lessons March 28, 2012 at 1:56 pm

When Ransom was in 'bama's land
O let my wingnuts go!
Inchoate rage and reprimand
O let my wingnuts go!
Go down Ransom, down to 'bama's land
Random vitrol, let my wingnuts go!

metamarcisf March 28, 2012 at 1:57 pm

George HW Bush is a communist.

RadioStalingrad March 28, 2012 at 1:58 pm

You know who else looked like his son?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Most of us with sons, one hopes?

chicken_thief March 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Sam "I am Sam" Dawson?

SorosBot March 28, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Not Joseph. Or Prince Charles.

Baconzgood March 28, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Maybe if I was high I'd see where he was going with this.

prommie March 28, 2012 at 2:00 pm

It is pish and posh, balder and dash.

prommie March 28, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Mencken on Harding:I rise to pay my small tribute to Dr. Harding. Setting aside a college professor or two and a half dozen dipsomaniacal newspaper reporters, he takes the first place in my Valhalla of literati. That is to say, he writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish, and crawls insanely up to the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash.

Biff March 28, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"dipsomaniacal newspaper reporters" Like Peggington Nooninghamshire?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 2:13 pm

We have fallen so far from the Golden Age of Insult.

prommie March 28, 2012 at 2:27 pm

You gonna play for Governor Eatsalot, Bruce?

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 5:10 pm

"It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it.'

This immediately made me think of Silly Sarah — although it must be said that, unlike everything else she does, she doesn't quit halfway, but goes all the way back to bad again.

Toomush_Infer March 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm

"finance columnist"….hahahahahahahahahahaha…..whew…..hahahahahahah…..

SheriffRoscoe March 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm

OK, I think I understand all of it except for the Pharaoh's army bit.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Obama wants to raise taxes on chariots so we'll all ride bikes.

fuflans March 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm

what was the crazy letter / commenter we had here a few years back (yeah, i know: YEARS)?

darlene?

she made more sense. also, i would like to read her philosophy again.

SayItWithWookies March 28, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Oh you mean Nadine. Slightly painful, that crazy, but here ya go. And search for the "Nadine tells all" tag if you want more.

valthemus March 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm

The National Organization for Marriage wants black people to hate gays. John Ransom obviously wants black people to hate him.

OneYieldRegular March 28, 2012 at 2:07 pm

What, nothing about the Trilateral Society, Roswell, contrails and fluoride? Conspiracy FAIL.

StarsUponThars March 28, 2012 at 2:25 pm

and Agenda 21. 'Wingers LOVE Agenda 21.

SorosBot March 28, 2012 at 2:26 pm

And what are the Illuminati and the Bilderbergs doing? How about the reverse vampires?

MosesInvests March 28, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Hey, you're leaving out us Elders of Zion!

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Bart: In conjunction with the saucer people…
Milhouse: THANK you!

James Michael Curley March 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Rebecca misread the title. Those quotes are actually Steve Buscemi's monologue from Fargo.

SayItWithWookies March 28, 2012 at 2:11 pm

We can add those bodies to the US count racked up in Libya, Egypt and -coming soon- Syria, possibly the biggest killing field of all thanks to new surge strategies from the administration.
Libya and Syria are places where the US surge has been specially arranged on behalf of France.

The only thing I can conclude from this idiot's essay is that anything means any damn thing you want it to mean. That and Mr. Ransom was home-schooled in a strip joint where stretch marks go to die.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 2:15 pm

And yet this guy probably gets a stiffy for bombing Iran.

Not_So_Much March 28, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I think what this means is John Ransom is masturbating furiously at the thought of someone punching someone else to death. I could be wrong.

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 5:13 pm

That's actually a safe guess on any day of the year.

owhatever March 28, 2012 at 2:17 pm

When they came for John Ranson, I did nothing. A little applause, but that was it.

ttommyunger March 28, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Fine, but why the picture of Rand Paul? I don't get the connection.

StarsUponThars March 28, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Psychobabble: doing it right.

rickmaci March 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Let me see if I can summarize the column in one sentence: Angry white man blames the President for everything wrong in his life, and in the whole world too, because the President is black and has the temerity to keep reminding the racists asshats who hate him of that fact every time they hear the President speak or see his picture. Finis.

elviouslyqueer March 28, 2012 at 2:24 pm

This word salad would be so much better with a dash more bitter, bitter greens.

FraAnima March 28, 2012 at 2:26 pm

What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Naked_Bunny March 28, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I dunno, but I'm sure liberals will be blamed for it.

vodkamuppet March 28, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Yeah, the democratic strategy consists of a class warfare surge and race warfare surge. The democrats are doing this. I need to stop reading about politics for a while because politics are turning me into a rage filled fucking moron. Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now…..

Naked_Bunny March 28, 2012 at 3:12 pm

"Raise the debt ceiling" is code for class and race warfare. Pass it on.

flamingpdog March 28, 2012 at 2:32 pm

16 innocent civilians in Afghanistan … killing four people at a Jewish school last Monday, including three children, and fatally shooting three soldiers the previous week … nephew of former Obama chief of staff Bill Daley, Richard Vanecko, may have confessed to killing someone eight years ago … those bodies to the US count racked up in Libya, Egypt and -coming soon- Syria

Sorry, Bozo, but even if these are all Barry's fault, he's still over 150,000 dead civilians behind Darth and Dubya.

ElPinche March 28, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Wow, that is one fucking stupid column. He should just connect everything to Kevin Bacon.

Naked_Bunny March 28, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Kevin Bacon is white. Duh.

Naked_Bunny March 28, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Y'know, when a comment gets insta-deleted, I'm tempted to experiment to find out why.

glamourdammerung March 28, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I am not sure why someone would try to understand the ramblings of a schizophrenic or the musings of a random text generator.

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Steve Buscemi will always be my secret boyfriend, but I have to say that I don't much care for his new hat.

Negropolis March 29, 2012 at 2:07 am

Would this Obama Healing Syndrome happen to be sexual in nature?

**cues Marvin Gaye**

outragedcitizen March 29, 2012 at 8:07 am

Seriously, I blame the Townhall editor-in-chief. He should have said, WTF? and throw that word salad in the round file?

12X34X July 19, 2012 at 2:48 pm

That's what they want – a Barry Soetoro who clutches the pearls over every wingnut insult. Puh-leeze.

Naked_Bunny March 28, 2012 at 3:08 pm

He needed to pad the word count.

tessiee March 28, 2012 at 5:15 pm

"N****r, n****r, n****r. Screw Flanders."

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