riddle me this

Townhall Columnist Wants Obamapology for 8-Year-Old Murder of White Man by Other White Man

Not at all an insane crazy personSorry for the slow posting, dudes, we have spent hours and hours trying to figure out this doozy of a piece from Townhall “finance” columnist John Ransom, and we think we may have gotten it? No, we have not. Maybe you can? Let’s try together! Here is how it begins:

Mmmm, you can almost taste the healing going on around the world. As the oceans begin to recede, and Pharaoh’s army gets swallowed by the Red Sea, we should pause to thank the man who gave us this moment. That was some good healing you gave us, Mr. Post-Racial president. I remember when you first started advocating the Afghan “surge” strategy.

So it is about Afghanistan? Sort of, because staff Sgt. Robert Bales went all My Lai over there, so that is probably the president’s fault! But that is not why John Ransom wants an apology.

Then there was the Qaeda dude who killed the Jewish children in Toulouse, and that is Obama’s fault too — “That’s 12 more cases of Sudden Obama Healing Syndrome,” John Ransom writes. But that is not why John Ransom wants an apology.

But perhaps the biggest healing is the healing that has been going on at home in the US where the strategy from Democrats includes a class warfare surge and a race warfare surge that is contributing considerably to the outbreak of Sudden Obama Healing Syndrome. And it’s also obscuring Obama’s horrid track record on: 1) the economy; 2) energy; 3) anything that doesn’t involve vacations. I can almost feel an Obama seven-day, six-night vacation coming on.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the Trayvon Martin case, and nor do you.

So John Ransom would like an apology because Obama’s vacations led to Trayvon Martin’s death? Probably! Let us let John Ransom explain:

Drill, baby, drill. It’s all the more amazing because this week the Chicago Sun Times revealed that a nephew of former Obama chief of staff Bill Daley, Richard Vanecko, may have confessed to killing someone eight years ago, in a case “where irregularities in the investigation, including false official reports and a case file that went missing” may have contributed letting a Daley of Chicago get away with murder.

And you know what? The kid that allegedly got killed by Vanecko? His name was David Koschman and he looks a lot like my son.

Was he in fact John Ransom’s son? No, but he was white, and he was killed by a punch thrown in a bar fight by Bill Daley’s nephew, and Obama knows Bill Daley, who appears to be white as well. WHERE IS JOHN RANSOM’S APOLOGY FOR THIS WHITE-ON-WHITE VIOLENCE, NOOOBAMA?

Then there is something about the New Black Panther Party, because of course there is, and then some other brain vomit, and then this perfect, inarguable conclusion:

I guess with all this healing going on, no one wants to talk about jobs anymore.

Man, if only Obama would take a break from being responsible for all the world’s murders, maybe they would let him be responsible for the global depression! That sounds like a good trade. STOP MURDERING EVERYONE, NOBAMA. Impeach. [Townhall]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  • nounverb911

    Sorry, that murder was Bush's fault.

    • Allmighty_Manos

      Fuck that, that murder has the marks of a Martin Van Buren hit all over it.

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Have we already forgotten Obama's vendetta against Rutherford B Hayes? Where's the Obamapology for that one, huh?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      No, if the murder happened eight years ago it was Bill Clinton's fault. See everything bad that happened between the 20th of January 1993 and the 20th of January 2009 was Bill Clinton's fault. Everything bad that happened after the 20th of January 2009 is Barack Obama's fault, the booming economy of the 1990s was due to the efforts of Ronald Reagan and Newt Gingrich. Everything good that has happened since 2009, such as the killing of Osama bin Laden, is due to the wise and far-seeing policies of the Bush administration.

      • tessiee

        OK, but was Bill Clinton a time-traveling muslin, hennggh?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Rebecca, don't kill yourself trying to parse this thing. I think you may just have to accept the possibility here that John Ransom is simply r3t@rded.

    • Lucidamente1

      And that he may need a good sk*llf*cking.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I'm on it!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Where's Obama's Outrage Over Murder of "My" Son?

    Where's Obama's outrage, period? I've never seen a man less prone to emotion.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      I think I've found the answer to that one

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Yeah, he's the most cold and aloof Muslim/Communist/Wall Street Tool/Morally Weak Smoker I've ever seen! Some people were promised President Samuel L. Jackson, apparently.

      I don't need an Olbermann special comment every time I see the President — I would question his sanity if I did. And besides, every time he expresses Very Mild Annoyance at either the Right or the Left, white folks get their panties in a bunch, so fuck it.

      For someone so "unemotional", he seems to have no trouble firing up a crowd when campaigning, or following through on as many of his promises as possible. Emotional burlesque seems beside the point.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Given what he's put up with, half of the Republican party should have broken knees right now.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Oh, but the BLAH man isn't dancing for them! Poutrage!

        They want that guy from Idiocracy. That's what BLAH men are supposed to look/act like.

      • 12X34X

        I love you, Chet Kincaid.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      As a BLAH man, he knows all too well that ANY display of emotion will result in ooga-booga jungle-noise race-baiting SCARY BLACK MAN bullshit from the fucking honkies, OK?

      • anniegetyerfun

        Keep your shirt on. I like my men emotionally detached. I just find it amusing that the President's statement could be taken as “outrage” rather than simply sad.

  • MLite

    Jesus. It makes Sarah Palin's word salad seem like the height of logical argument.

    • chicken_thief

      I was thinking they might be related. Or read all the same magazines. Ransom's rant sounds like a collection of conservatard bumper stickers put into paragraph form.

      • MLite

        I guess when you read "all of them," it's hard to consolidate your vast knowledge and analysis down to the form of coherent paragraphs.

  • straighteight

    "In conclusion, I had a deadline to meet and this is the best I could do with the 10 minutes of time I allotted myself."

  • AutomaticPilot

    He's still far more lucid than Sarah Palin.

  • Sassomatic

    NOOOBAMA11!!1!!!!

    8::::::::::D

    That's all I've got.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Balls.

      • AutomaticPilot

        COMMENT OF THE DAY!!!

    • tessiee

      But, by golly, that's enough.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    All I got is Angry Crazy white guy Angry and Crazy.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Actually, Rick Warren looks like John Ransom's son.

  • JudasPeckerwood

    Dumb, drunk and conservative is no way to go through life, son.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Wonketteers! DO NOT READ the comments on that article. Just don't.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Thanks for putting the idea in my head, then. :P

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh, why do I never listen? Although I have to say, those Townhall morans put out some seriously impressive racism.

    • TheGyrus

      My favorite was "What if Trayvon Martin was white?"

      Uh…. then he would never have been shot?

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Obama's presidency is not all bad; one good thing about it is that it gives liberal bigots (of all races) a chance to show how truly racist they are. The evil white male is the Jew in America today, with the liberal cult the Nazis. And yes, people can hate their own race, as white liberal bigots seem to do these days.

      We had black ladies who took care of us when our mother worked. They were our family. They were like grandmothers to us. We could not wait for them to get there every morning. When they got sick or their family got sick, my mother would make food and bring it to their home. Until my mother died, she kept in touch with many of them. Two were younger sisters. They would call when they came to town. She would ask them to come for coffee and something to eat. I never knew hate until I moved to the city in 1976 and experienced it coming from the mouths of black people. The hate and racism I have witnessed in my life come exclusively from Blacks…EXCLUSIVELY.

      mumblemumble EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE IDIOTS mumblemumblemumble

  • memzilla

    Dear Mr. Ransom:

    Germany called, and demanded an apology from you. So did France.

    Your logic is so twisted it's giving pretzels and French hair braids a bad name.

    National Snack Food and Hairstyle Libel!

  • SorosBot

    "And it’s also obscuring Obama’s horrid track record on: 1) the economy; 2) energy; 3) anything that doesn’t involve vacations"

    Huh? He's been fixing the economy and trying to move us off fossil fuels and decrease carbon dioxide emissions – that's a good track record. And fuck off with that tired and stupid vacation bullshit, you moron, when Bush took a shitload more than Obama ever did. Oh but I forgot, Bush was white and therefore deserved vacations, unlike that uppity negro who shouldn't be allowed to have nice things, you racist cock.

    • tessiee

      "Obama’s horrid track record on […] energy"

      Which, at the exact moment that it stops being "horrid", becomes the policy of a tree-hugging nut in the pocket of "Big Environment", who is strangling the jerb creators with useless Big Government regulations.

  • bureaucrap

    "As the oceans begin to recede…" What the *&%^$ is he even talking about? I caught a Passover reference in there. Something having to do with Noah? It's not so much word salad as word detritus.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He was talking about that scene where Moses is leading the Jews out of Egypt and the pharaoh's army gets drowned. Because that's what happens when oceans recede.

      Stupid dick has a problem with more than logic. It's broader problem with the meaning of English words.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      It's like he opened his mouth and a stream of shit flowed out of it, as sometimes happens when people have barfed up everything but their intestines are still spasming.

      That's what reading him is like. I feel the need to pour bleach into my earholes. Or his piehole. Whichever works.

  • hagajim

    Haven't the Daley's of Chicago been getting away with murder for years?

  • cheetojeebus

    That's a real tough gordita knot there fella. It's like a taco wrapped in a wonton dipped in pizza sauce.

    • tessiee

      Now you've gotten everybody here hungry.
      Also possibly horny, depending on what kind of "wonton" you meant.

  • Schmannnity

    I refuse to reread this to try to follow the line of thinking.

    • boobookitteh

      I wish Babelfish had a 'Crazy to English' option.

      • dinkybossetti

        The English version is much shorter: I am full of hate and understand nothing.

    • Negropolis

      You couldn't if you tried, nor would you want to be able to.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Hahaha, you made a funny! You called it "thinking."

  • Goonemeritus

    The president also has a connection to Kevin Bacon and he used the profane expression “Balls" in at least one movie.

    • tessiee

      Everyone here is connected to Kevin Bacon via baconzgood.

  • SteveMcCroskey

    It's nice that they got the Time Cube guy to write for them.

    • Biff

      Holy fuck, that's bizarre! Reminded me of Ein Klein Hayakawa from a lifetime ago.

  • el_donaldo

    Fine, you spend your time figuring out what a Town Hall columnist's diseased brain is attempting to disgorge. I'm trying to figure out what Wonketteers are going to do with a "From Around the Web" suggested links box. It gets you guys paid, I guess, but I'm not going to touch it.

    • prommie

      Please touch it, please!

  • terriblyfamous

    It's funny when you read it with Eeyore?

  • fuflans

    to be fair, i would take an 'obama healing syndrome' any where, anytime, any day.

  • Exhausted66

    GIVE ME BACK MY SON
    -Ransom

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    Its pretty bad when one nut case goes and ruins the perfect ten years Amurica had in Afghanistan.

  • flamingpdog

    1:40 PM and ONLY seven blog posts. I'm appalled!!!

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    So someone who used to work for him had a nephew who killed somebody 8 years ago, before Obama had even hired the guy who would later work for him and now no longer does.

    Clearly John Ransom is the greatest legal mind of our age.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    OK, here goes:

    I apologize (with my fingers crossed, of course) and go fuck yourself.

    Love and kisses,

    Barry

  • HippieEsq

    HAHA, Amateur. He forgot the SURGE IN THE WAR ON RELIGION.

  • BarackMyWorld

    -1,000 for not understanding what makes the Trayvon Martin case newsworthy, and -10,000 for mocking those who do. Dipshit.

  • HippieEsq

    Crap Wednesday. You must look forward to Mondays.

  • smashedinhat

    This is of course a literary experiment along the lines of a WSB's cut up. No?

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    "His name was John Ransom and he looks a lot like the watery shit I took this morning and had to flush several times to make it disappear."

  • http://www.wonkette.com John Birf Society

    There is not a vas deferens between this nonsense and anything written by Sarah Palin.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      The grammatically correct (albeit delusional) use of compound sentences tends to disprove a Palin provenance.

  • poorgradstudent

    Holy shit, it's like someone cut up a bunch of my uncle's political e-mail forwards and pasted them together into a column.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Someone set loose the hamsters from their cage wheel in She1ey Bachmann's brainpan; apparently now, they've been discovered making turdblossom jam using Ransom's thought-processor as a blender.

  • WiscDad

    I'll have what he's smokin'

    • flamingpdog

      I was gonna comment that, for once at teh Wonkette, I didn't want to know who the guy's pharmacist was.

    • prommie

      Aaarrggghhhhh.

  • noodlesalad

    Amurican conservatives – driving the car into the ditch and blaming the guy who comes with the tow truck since 1856.

    • Pithaughn

      And they refuse to join triple A!

  • Grief_Lessons

    When Ransom was in 'bama's land
    O let my wingnuts go!
    Inchoate rage and reprimand
    O let my wingnuts go!
    Go down Ransom, down to 'bama's land
    Random vitrol, let my wingnuts go!

  • metamarcisf

    George HW Bush is a communist.

  • RadioStalingrad

    You know who else looked like his son?

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Most of us with sons, one hopes?

    • chicken_thief

      Sam "I am Sam" Dawson?

    • SorosBot

      Not Joseph. Or Prince Charles.

  • Baconzgood

    Maybe if I was high I'd see where he was going with this.

  • prommie

    It is pish and posh, balder and dash.

  • prommie

    Mencken on Harding:I rise to pay my small tribute to Dr. Harding. Setting aside a college professor or two and a half dozen dipsomaniacal newspaper reporters, he takes the first place in my Valhalla of literati. That is to say, he writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish, and crawls insanely up to the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash.

    • Biff

      "dipsomaniacal newspaper reporters" Like Peggington Nooninghamshire?

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      We have fallen so far from the Golden Age of Insult.

      • prommie

        You gonna play for Governor Eatsalot, Bruce?

    • tessiee

      "It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it.'

      This immediately made me think of Silly Sarah — although it must be said that, unlike everything else she does, she doesn't quit halfway, but goes all the way back to bad again.

  • Toomush_Infer

    "finance columnist"….hahahahahahahahahahaha…..whew…..hahahahahahah…..

  • SheriffRoscoe

    OK, I think I understand all of it except for the Pharaoh's army bit.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Obama wants to raise taxes on chariots so we'll all ride bikes.

  • fuflans

    what was the crazy letter / commenter we had here a few years back (yeah, i know: YEARS)?

    darlene?

    she made more sense. also, i would like to read her philosophy again.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Oh you mean Nadine. Slightly painful, that crazy, but here ya go. And search for the "Nadine tells all" tag if you want more.

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    The National Organization for Marriage wants black people to hate gays. John Ransom obviously wants black people to hate him.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What, nothing about the Trilateral Society, Roswell, contrails and fluoride? Conspiracy FAIL.

    • StarsUponThars

      and Agenda 21. 'Wingers LOVE Agenda 21.

    • SorosBot

      And what are the Illuminati and the Bilderbergs doing? How about the reverse vampires?

      • MosesInvests

        Hey, you're leaving out us Elders of Zion!

      • tessiee

        Bart: In conjunction with the saucer people…
        Milhouse: THANK you!

  • James Michael Curley

    Rebecca misread the title. Those quotes are actually Steve Buscemi's monologue from Fargo.

  • SayItWithWookies

    We can add those bodies to the US count racked up in Libya, Egypt and -coming soon- Syria, possibly the biggest killing field of all thanks to new surge strategies from the administration.
    Libya and Syria are places where the US surge has been specially arranged on behalf of France.

    The only thing I can conclude from this idiot's essay is that anything means any damn thing you want it to mean. That and Mr. Ransom was home-schooled in a strip joint where stretch marks go to die.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      And yet this guy probably gets a stiffy for bombing Iran.

  • Not_So_Much

    I think what this means is John Ransom is masturbating furiously at the thought of someone punching someone else to death. I could be wrong.

    • tessiee

      That's actually a safe guess on any day of the year.

  • owhatever

    When they came for John Ranson, I did nothing. A little applause, but that was it.

  • ttommyunger

    Fine, but why the picture of Rand Paul? I don't get the connection.

  • StarsUponThars

    Psychobabble: doing it right.

  • rickmaci

    Let me see if I can summarize the column in one sentence: Angry white man blames the President for everything wrong in his life, and in the whole world too, because the President is black and has the temerity to keep reminding the racists asshats who hate him of that fact every time they hear the President speak or see his picture. Finis.

  • elviouslyqueer

    This word salad would be so much better with a dash more bitter, bitter greens.

  • FraAnima

    What the fuck is wrong with these people?

    • Naked_Bunny

      I dunno, but I'm sure liberals will be blamed for it.

  • vodkamuppet

    Yeah, the democratic strategy consists of a class warfare surge and race warfare surge. The democrats are doing this. I need to stop reading about politics for a while because politics are turning me into a rage filled fucking moron. Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now…..

    • Naked_Bunny

      "Raise the debt ceiling" is code for class and race warfare. Pass it on.

  • flamingpdog

    16 innocent civilians in Afghanistan … killing four people at a Jewish school last Monday, including three children, and fatally shooting three soldiers the previous week … nephew of former Obama chief of staff Bill Daley, Richard Vanecko, may have confessed to killing someone eight years ago … those bodies to the US count racked up in Libya, Egypt and -coming soon- Syria

    Sorry, Bozo, but even if these are all Barry's fault, he's still over 150,000 dead civilians behind Darth and Dubya.

  • ElPinche

    Wow, that is one fucking stupid column. He should just connect everything to Kevin Bacon.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Kevin Bacon is white. Duh.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Y'know, when a comment gets insta-deleted, I'm tempted to experiment to find out why.

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    I am not sure why someone would try to understand the ramblings of a schizophrenic or the musings of a random text generator.

  • tessiee

    Steve Buscemi will always be my secret boyfriend, but I have to say that I don't much care for his new hat.

  • Negropolis

    Would this Obama Healing Syndrome happen to be sexual in nature?

    **cues Marvin Gaye**

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Seriously, I blame the Townhall editor-in-chief. He should have said, WTF? and throw that word salad in the round file?

  • 12X34X

    That's what they want – a Barry Soetoro who clutches the pearls over every wingnut insult. Puh-leeze.

  • Naked_Bunny

    He needed to pad the word count.

  • tessiee

    "N****r, n****r, n****r. Screw Flanders."