BE ASHAMED BE VERY ASHAMED  7:27 pm March 27, 2012

Wonkette Comment Of The Day: Balls Edition

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

You are all special!

What what? What’s this? Comment of the Day is back? Yes, because Wonkette operative “chascates” sent us hardly any tips today. Enjoy it while it lasts, because we are disinclined to honor implied promises like “of the day” except when it suits us/we are bored.

Nonetheless! The competition was fierce.

Would it be Donner_Froh? Donner_Froh

Or AnnieGetYerFun? anniegetyerfun

How about Doktor StrangeZoom?Doktor StrangeZoom

SCREW YOU GUYS NO IT WOULD NOT BECAUSE THOSE ARE NOT ABOUT BALLS! Drumroll, please.

To what is today’s winner replying? This:

Blowjob. The word is “blowjob.” And scores of Old Hollywood has apparently had their tumescent, swollen cocks in her mouth, and apparently she was GREAT at it, which is the first good thing about Nancy Reagan we have ever heard.

Join us in congratulating MrsBiggTime, for this astoundingly disgusting piece of work: mrsbiggtime

You win nothing but our hearts.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 378 comments }

Barb March 27, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Wow, I wasted my time here today, eh?

Lascauxcaveman March 27, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Oh c'mon, you little prima donna.

[/gives Barb a noogie]

Barb March 27, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Thanks for the nookie! Oh, you said "noogie"
I love what Rebecca did and I told her so in private.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Mebbe you get something out of it by giving me a book report of all the blog posts today so I don't have to read them myself.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 27, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Geez barb, you already have like the biggest p-ness in the room.

chascates March 27, 2012 at 8:09 pm

No, you are the wind beneath our wings.

smokefilledroommate March 27, 2012 at 8:12 pm

That song always reminded me of farting.

Barrelhse March 27, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Hoist by his own petard.

Loaded_Pants March 27, 2012 at 9:17 pm

"You are the wind beneath my cheeks"?

Barb March 27, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Thanks Chas!

Boojum March 27, 2012 at 9:05 pm

That's like, bird farts.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Today?

DaRooster March 27, 2012 at 8:29 pm

You have never wasted anytime… ever.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm

DaRooster, shhhh, don't tell Jeffer that I played Zuma's Revenge all day. I tossed a dryer sheet into the empty dryer and fired it up so that he would assume that I did chores today.

DaRooster March 27, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Equivalent to spreading sawdust around the driveway and gluing some pieces of wood together saying, "I got started on that counter top…"

(nice stealthyness)

Barb March 27, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I'm going to Amazon.com to get me some sawdust.

AlterNewt March 27, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Don't give that shit away, man!

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Haw, I used to boil an onion on the stove top.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Tessiee, then they expect homemade food.

trampndirtdown March 27, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Barb you are never wasting time. i follow you so I can see what the cool kids are talking about.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Trampndowndirt, I followed you first! You're so sweet to me.
We have tomorrow to make the comment of the day.

Jus_Wonderin March 28, 2012 at 6:34 am

I am going to comment my brains out today. I need the affirmation!!! I will be back, I have to go sit in front of my mirror.

Negropolis March 27, 2012 at 10:21 pm

You can't win everything, Barb; don't get greedy. I wouldn't want to have to call you a Republican.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Speaking of Republicans, Newt is cutting his staff. http://pwire.at/GYl6SR

Boojum March 27, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Ouch?

Barb March 27, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Boojum, he's taking his last swirl around the bowl, eh?

BTWBFDIMHO March 28, 2012 at 12:25 am

Which third of Callista goes first? I'd say the one with the highest Tiffany's salvage value.

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 2:39 am

Look, if Rebecca ever decides to have an award for "Comment of the Year", she's gonna have to call it the "Barb". And I'm hoping it will be a knitted replica of Miss Mookie (because I'm sorta perverse).

Boojum March 28, 2012 at 6:15 am

Oh, I volunteered to give a knitted uterus to Saxby Chambliss and heard from the knitter! It will be ready in two days!

mrpuma2u March 27, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Ugh, passed over again, Like Bob Hope at the Oscars.

MrsBiggTime March 27, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Nancy never "passed over" Bob.

straighteight March 27, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Ahahaha. Holy shit, I'm sorry I missed that. I am never going to be able to hear that line without laughing. I mean, not that I didn't before.

clblabin March 27, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Balls. Balls balls balls.

memzilla March 27, 2012 at 7:33 pm

So, this is all chascates' fault, eh?

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!

Fukui-sanYesOta March 27, 2012 at 8:00 pm

It's always chascates' fault. Well, either chascates or FROTHY.

chascates March 27, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Since Shorts is no longer around I'm having to do twice as much work.

Boojum March 27, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Where is Shorts, the old blog whore?

chascates March 27, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Not sure, I have him as a connection on LinkedIn and he's listed as a paralegal. The old site ShortsShortsShorts.com is gone and isn't available at archive.org either.

Wonkette is a like a combination of cult membership and military service. Many hear the call, some try it out, few make a long-term commitment. And there are casualties! In Shorts memory let us all take a drink/toke/whatever.

smokefilledroommate March 27, 2012 at 7:33 pm

balls-out brilliant!

Limeylizzie March 27, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I laughed my considerable arse off at that one, I recall.

Chichikovovich March 27, 2012 at 7:36 pm

You win nothing but our hearts.

I thought you had to be a 71-year old sociopath warmonger to get one of those.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Hey, Mrs BT could have won a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack instead.

BarackMyWorld March 27, 2012 at 7:36 pm

My favorite post today was on the thread "NOPD Suspends Racist Cop"…

"Is that a hoodie?"
-smashedinhat

But it wasn't balls related, so disqualification, I guess.

smashedinhat March 27, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I raise a beverage in your direction sir/madam while searching for my keys through a tear in my pocket.

MadBrahms March 27, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Hearts? Balls.

facehead March 27, 2012 at 7:37 pm

YO BiggTime, I'm really happy for you, and ima let you finish, but StrangeZoom had one of the best comments of ALL DAY!! Of ALL DAY!

imissopus March 27, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Well, there is a certain nobility in the effort the rest of us have exerted to maintain the flow of snarky conversation, yes?

HAHAHA, I'm kidding. The rest of us are total losers.

Tundra Grifter March 27, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Does winning "Comment of the Day" enhance one's p-ness?

bumfug March 27, 2012 at 8:17 pm

It swells with pride.

Geminisunmars March 28, 2012 at 1:08 am

Today we are all swollen with pride.

Harry_S_Truman March 27, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Yes, but if it lasts for over four hours they should see a doctor.

DaRooster March 27, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Or a Brietbart hooker…

Guppy March 27, 2012 at 8:39 pm

If the enhancement doesn't subside in 4 hours, seek Nancy Reagan's expert help.

Blueb4sunrise March 27, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Wait. Somebody reads these comments?

Chichikovovich March 27, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Of course. How else will they know which ones to delete?

GreatChristiano March 27, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Fer reals, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't delete. Rebecca would never delete criticism–word.

Guppy March 27, 2012 at 8:40 pm

No, the little left-coaster would rather hold hands and talk about our feelings while trying to help us to understand why she is disappointed.

GreatChristiano March 27, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I'm pretty sure what you just said was girl talk because geez, that went right over my head.

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:13 pm

*Mr. Van Dreisen voice*
Now Beavis and Butthead, let's talk about respecting the feelings of others, mmkay?

Blueb4sunrise March 27, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Random number generator?

Chichikovovich March 27, 2012 at 9:13 pm

That's true. I suppose if I can use one to assign grades to problem sets, Her Divine Editrixishness can use it to select for deletion.—

Slim_Pickins March 27, 2012 at 9:58 pm

You mean other than their own?

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Oh, no.

Gleem McShineys March 27, 2012 at 7:44 pm

*Quiet Announcer Voice*
Today's Password Is: Balls.

smokefilledroommate March 27, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Can tomorrow's be 'gobblecocks'?

Barrelhse March 27, 2012 at 8:18 pm

That's the safeword.

trampndirtdown March 27, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I thought it was still Green Balloons. You have to tell me these things I'm slow.

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:33 pm

And also, can we get the Heavy Metal/Monster Truck announcer guy to say it?

Designer_Rants March 27, 2012 at 11:58 pm

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

Steverino247 March 27, 2012 at 7:58 pm

True story: 71.75 MHz is the frequency for the audio channel for TV station Channel Four in Seattle. That frequency is also one used by military radios such as the AN/PRC-77, which enabled me and most of the rest of my fellow troopers to listen into Monday Night Football when it first came on. If one got close enough to the housing area with a powerful enough radio, one could replace the audio with "You're full of shit, Howard!" on televisions. Sometimes the "Password" was "Fuck!" also.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 10:12 am

Something about this reminds me of Joe Haldeman's The Forever War, where the Army, in an attempt to be hip, replaces "Yes Sir" with "Fuck You." Sadly, its function as reinforcer of hierarchy remains, so the net effect is that cussin' is no longer any fun.

Biff March 27, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Say the magic woid, the duck comes down, pays a hundred dollahs.

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Contestant: Well, I'm from [hometown], and I have 19 children.
Groucho: 19 children! That's a big responsibility! How come you have so many children?
Contestant: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while.

Biff March 27, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I never knew until right now that George Fenneman was an actual born-in-China commie bastard!

FROTHY March 27, 2012 at 7:52 pm

"Balls!" said the Queen, "if I had 'em, I'd be King."
"Nuts!" said the Prince, "I've got them, and *I'M* not King."
"Crap!" said the King, and thirty thousand royal subjects …

but you know the rest. Can I have a heart now?

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 8:03 pm

World's shortest poem, entitled "Balls":
Adam
Had 'em.

bumfug March 27, 2012 at 8:19 pm

I thought that poem's title was "Fleas".

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:19 pm

A very lovely poem about breasts:

Eve, I believe,
was the first to receive.

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:51 am

I like that. Hopefully, I will be the next. (Recipient, that is. Mmm, boobies.)

What was it Woody Allen said about bisexuals? Double your chance of a date on Saturday night?

Boojum March 28, 2012 at 6:29 am

I thought that was about oral sex.

MosesInvests March 27, 2012 at 10:55 pm

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And great was his mirth,
For in all of the Earth
There were only two balls, and he had 'em.

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:50 am

Oh, nice.

Madam Killjoy March 27, 2012 at 8:20 pm

And forty-thousand men crapped for in those days the King's word was law?? I know I'm close.

My old man's version goes thusly:
"Balls!" said the Queen, "If I had two, I'd be King."
And the King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he had two.

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:52 am

That's the one, Madam.

I like yer old man's version, too.

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:16 pm

"Can I have a heart now?"

*Glinda voice*
But Frothy, you've *always* had a heart!

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:52 am

That is so sweet, tessiee. Thank you. (I think)

Terry March 27, 2012 at 10:29 pm

"Balls" said the Queen and the King laughed because he had to.

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 2:45 am

Will you be back before OzWinter?

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:50 am

Yes. I just changed my ticket booking. I should be back soon.

Didja miss me, hun?

HistoriCat March 28, 2012 at 11:52 am

We've all you missed you!

emmelemm March 27, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Filthy. Filthy filthy filthy.

I love it.

Exhausted66 March 27, 2012 at 7:54 pm

The joke's on MrsBiggTime because now she has to rewrite her resume.

elfgoldsackring March 27, 2012 at 7:54 pm

I am appalled at some of the bad sportsmanship in these comments. That's just sour balls.

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:21 pm

MMMmmm… sourballs.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Leads to Lemonheads.

smokefilledroommate March 27, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Followed by a bunch of Sour Patch Kids.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 10:18 pm

After his second heart attack, Gallagher may have to downsize his act to smashing waterlemons.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Smokefilledroommate just won my vote for comment of the day.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 7:54 pm

I just got back from spending all day in the field and haven't looked at any of the posts from earlier today. Am I allowed to comment on this post or do I have to go back and read all the old ones? Please tell me there are less than 14 of 'em today.

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 2:46 am

Wait, what?

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:54 am

No rules here, except play nice.

You just go right ahead and comment here. I'm up.

Tundra Grifter March 27, 2012 at 7:58 pm

What are the three biggest lies on Wonkette?

"Hey – I posted that first!"

"I never check my 'p'."

And…?

SexySmurf March 27, 2012 at 8:01 pm

"Size doesn't matter."

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:55 am

I live in Size Queen City, and I'm tellin' ya … oh, wait. Never mind.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Blah is beautiful.

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:55 am

That's no lie, pdog.

bumfug March 27, 2012 at 8:20 pm

3. I didn't read the other comments before I copied yours word-for-word.

Tundra Grifter March 28, 2012 at 9:16 am

Almost 40 replies is great.

Having your reply get more thumbs up than my original post, not so much.

BarackMyWorld March 27, 2012 at 8:21 pm

"Great post, Rebecca!"

Blueb4sunrise March 27, 2012 at 8:27 pm

While maybe not top three yet….the ladies claiming they have big boobs is gaining ground.

Barrelhse March 27, 2012 at 8:32 pm

"Agreed. No more dick jokes."

Boojum March 27, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I was using the word in the sense of "to slow down".

Biff March 27, 2012 at 9:40 pm

That's what Olympia Snowe said.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 10:20 pm
nonbeliever7 March 28, 2012 at 8:30 am

Tard-y?

Barb March 27, 2012 at 8:55 pm

"I won't cum in your mouth?"

bumfug March 27, 2012 at 9:34 pm

For internet posters the lie's more likely to be "I won't cum on my own sheets just thinking about getting a real blow job".

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Um, at teh Wonkette, it's more likely to be, "No, I won't come in your asshole".

Tundra Grifter March 28, 2012 at 9:15 am

Too subtle.

Tundra Grifter March 28, 2012 at 9:17 am

Twice is a trend.

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:02 pm

"I'll be brief."

Nostrildamus March 27, 2012 at 11:50 pm

"You be boxers."

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Actually, I be commando.

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:57 am

Nilojja!

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:55 am

ZOMG, I said EXACTLY that, but ID ate my comment!

No?

smokefilledroommate March 28, 2012 at 3:54 am

SUPEREGO ate my homework!

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 4:08 am

Dood, is that the dog's name, or what?

Nice to see you up so late. I miss mah Wonketz-eerz.

smokefilledroommate March 28, 2012 at 4:39 am

It's a really lame attempt at a Freudian joke.

C_R_Eature March 28, 2012 at 6:10 am

Monsters from the Id ate my Homework.

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 6:38 am

Quit leaving it outside the Dome, dood.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 28, 2012 at 11:09 am

"'All of them, Katie' and 'Your move, _______' are not funny."

Sue4466 March 27, 2012 at 7:58 pm

MrsBiggTime always was mom's favorite.

KennyFuckingPowers March 27, 2012 at 7:59 pm

A milestone is a milestone even if its just a time stamp for a new low.
If the world is not living up to your expectations, its better to lower
your expectations rather than repeatedly hammer your head against
a brick wall!

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:23 pm

If you keep your expectations tiny, you can go through life without being so whiny.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 10:16 am

Between the sheets.

smokefilledroommate March 27, 2012 at 8:01 pm

…winning hearts and balls everywhere.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 27, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Dude, I had no idea this was going to be a competition. I had to quit (got kicked off) my softball team after threatening to slap the umpire one too many times. Not that he didn't deserve it. His strike zone was about twice as wide as his fat ass.

Jim Newell March 27, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Penis

CivicHoliday March 27, 2012 at 8:10 pm

somebody had to say it

facehead March 27, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Too soon.

Negropolis March 27, 2012 at 10:29 pm

**golf clap**

Sharkey March 27, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Breitbart

Fare la Volpe March 27, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Hey, that's my line! Fuck you.

Negropolis March 27, 2012 at 10:30 pm

"balls" just has that je ne sais quois that penis will never have. Penis is too anatomically correct, too scientific.

MrsBiggtime FTW!

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Dimension.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 11:25 pm

All of them, Katie.

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Yarbles.

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 2:46 am

Easy for you to say.

chascates March 27, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Sorry! I left the house early to pick up the 2 cats I left at the vet yesterday (spay & neuter), tried to find the small engine repair place (didn't, water pump for garden still down), picked up feed for the pigs, sheep, and dogs and then had to till several old garden beds. Caught some ducklings to sell to a neighbor, picked some peas, and then planted radish, cuke, and squash seeds.

I'll try to not let this happen again and congrats to MrsBiggTime!

elfgoldsackring March 27, 2012 at 8:20 pm

I think I speak for everyone when I say we're getting a little bit tired of all the excuses, chascates.

weej_bain March 27, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Didn't have to fight-off any marauding Tejas Rangers who were high on cordite? Easy day then.

MrsBiggTime March 27, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Spay & Neuter? Those are funny names for cats.

chascates March 27, 2012 at 8:35 pm

'Stay' was always my favorite name for a dog. "Come here, STAY!"

Boojum March 27, 2012 at 8:37 pm

As told in the book "How to Make Your Dog Schizophrenic".

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:26 pm

You could name them You and Back.
"Hey, YOU!"
"Come, BACK!"

Geminisunmars March 28, 2012 at 1:26 am

Both of my dogs think their name is "GO OUT?".

Biff March 27, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Good luck scrubbing that scarlet "L" off your forehead, loser.

FlownOver March 28, 2012 at 12:45 am

Water pump? Whatever happened to the hose? or hauling water (remember – "Education Must Be Combined with Productive Labor" – Chairman Meow)?

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:58 am

Busy day, chascates! Hope the kittehs are recovering nicely, and the ducks are, erm, destined for a pleasant fate.

MrsBiggTime March 28, 2012 at 8:30 am

Or the ducks could be destined for a pleasant pate.

Chichikovovich March 28, 2012 at 8:56 am

or a pheasant plate.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Tomorrow's "Comment of the Day" winner gets to be put in a crate so small they can't turn around.

Chichikovovich March 27, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Why not? My university already torments me with cruel training exercises.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 8:39 pm

And the losers have to hose off the car windows.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Hey, did you hear the news that Mitt Romney's installing an elevator just for his dogs in his newest house? The downside is that it doesn't stop on the way up until it gets to the roof.

mavenmaven March 27, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Do we have to watch the movie titanic in 3 D as we descend in that crate?

Terry March 27, 2012 at 10:30 pm

We call those crates "cubicles" in our office.

Rotundo_ March 28, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Oddly enough they get upset when you relieve yourself inside one, given the construction I would think that that was what they had in mind…

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 2:59 am

I guess I'm winning it, then.

Dashboard Buddha March 27, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Some day…some day. A fellow can dream, can he not? Even if I do make it on the COTD, it will only be because I stand on the shoulders of giants.

CivicHoliday March 27, 2012 at 8:14 pm

I have never won one of these fancy wonk-snark competitions. I blame my toddler. And also the fact that I am a biologist, which statistically makes me at least 30% less funny than the general population. I over-compensate by having big boobs.

Chichikovovich March 27, 2012 at 8:25 pm

I know I speak for everyone when I say we absolutely need a "boobs of the day" competition as well. I'm surprised Wonkette has been able to survive this long without it.

GreatChristiano March 27, 2012 at 8:53 pm

We mean as long as you are female and over the age of, let's say,…. 18?

Terry March 27, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Naw, Civic is a 57 yr old man.

Geminisunmars March 28, 2012 at 1:30 am

You know that regulations are job killers, don't you?

FakaktaSouth March 27, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Hahahahaha holy shit that was straight up about Math. Not a Palin, but okay. I have big boobs too. It's better than being funny.

eta – I got deleted trying to respond with why I couldn't take certain math classes. No go! I even spelled it out. We are NOT going to get into that shit AT ALL! I hear ya!

trampndirtdown March 27, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I was deleted for mentioning that math class a few weeks ago. So disappointing to fail it again.

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 2:55 am

What you're looking for is Analytical Geometry. Or possibly complex-number theory. Or go straight to four dimensions, which I suppose is quadronometry.

CivicHoliday March 28, 2012 at 9:17 am

Big boobs aren't BETTER than being funny but they sure help. But the real deal is a woman who does her best to be an anti-Palin – relying on strengths OTHER than looks and one-liners to get you places.

Wile E. Quixote March 28, 2012 at 11:54 am

I have big boobs too. It's better than being funny.

And somewhere Newt Gingrich is crying and saying "But Callista, I have big boobs too. Why don't the voters like me?"

gullywompr March 27, 2012 at 8:35 pm

BOOBS!!!!1!1!

Boojum March 27, 2012 at 8:39 pm

I speak for everyone else when I say, do not worry about your lack of teh funny. I will gladly give you some of my p-ness if you let me play with your boobies.

CivicHoliday March 28, 2012 at 9:18 am

mmmmmm delicious p-ness…except that I think I have more to spare than you do

Boojum March 28, 2012 at 9:34 am

You may have MORE, but more to spare? I think not! Extremism in pursuit of boobies is no vice! I regret that I have but 100 p to give for your boobies! And other stuff, because boobies!

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 9:07 pm

You're funnier than you think.

The 30% value stems from a statistical sampling artifact:
You were sampling the General population, who are 30% less likely to find Biological humor funny whereas 75% of the Biologist Population find it funny (with 25% of the Biologist Population having no sense of humor).

This just points out the need for more Biologists on the Judging Committee (as long as they're 75 % – ers!).

Oh, and Boobies!!1! are Always Good.

Terry March 27, 2012 at 10:33 pm

What do you call an anesthetized rabbit? The Ether Bunny!

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:39 pm

R = [bunny image] = R

Designer_Rants March 28, 2012 at 12:09 am

Q: Have you ever smelled moth balls?
A: How'd you get their little legs apart!!!1! HAW HAW HAW

Wile E. Quixote March 28, 2012 at 11:55 am

I over-compensate by having big boobs.

OK, but what is Newt Gingrich overcompensating for with his tremendous man-juggage?

BlueStateLibel March 27, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Now comes the crying.

BaldarTFlagass March 27, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Fuck! I never win shit! This does not bode well for my Vegas trip this weekend.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 27, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I just got back from Vegas, and I know what you mean…from the future!

Err, pasture.
~

DaRooster March 27, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Since I no go to Reno until June… you can have my very special luck… for a couple of weeks…

Barb March 27, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Where are you staying in Vegas?

BaldarTFlagass March 27, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Probably Excalibur or one of the nearby places like Luxor or NYNY, that's where most of my amigos are gonna be hanging out. Maybe one of them will give me the govt rate if I flash my USAF ID. Annual three day sleaze-and-debauchery-thon with a bunch of friends out of Phoenix. Gotta do O'Shea's one last time before they close.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 8:59 pm

You MUST sign up for a Player's Club card. They will send you tons of comps if you do. If you have a Player's Club card do not be shy about asking for comps. E-mail them ahead of time and ask. Include your card number and hint that you are looking at more than one property to take your business. I was there 2 weeks ago and I made them pay for my room, my food, my drinks, my limo, etc.

Check out the MLife website.

RadioStalingrad March 27, 2012 at 9:18 pm

At first, I thought you said the MiLF website……hey, just trying to win comment of the evening.

BaldarTFlagass March 28, 2012 at 7:44 am

I'll have to look into that. Is it worth bothering with if you only go to Vegas once every year or two? I don't gamble that much, either.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 27, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I recommend a visit to The Cosmopolitan.
~

Barb March 27, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I stayed at the Cosmopolitan and it is really nice. THE Hotel (Mandalay Bay) is great. Yes, the call it "THE" Hotel.

smokefilledroommate March 27, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Just got back from the Palms a month and a half ago– meh. Didn't really dig it; wasn't my scene. At all. After driving by the Cosmo (which looks like the friggin' Matrix) we decided next time that's where we're gonna stay!

Barb March 27, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Smoke, Google "chandelier bar las vegas" click "images" You're going to love seeing this in person. Too many great images to just narrow down one for you.

Negropolis March 27, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Palms is the for the MTV douchebag generation (mine, BTW). You'll only find it fun if your idea of fun is to wrangle a sexytime encounter with Paris Hilton or one of the Real World guys in a hot tub and/or get wasted on the rooftop bar.

gullywompr March 27, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Well, you know, MrsBiggTime gave just a fantastic performance, as did all of my fellow commenters , and I'm just so happy that she got it, she totally deserves this award. Everybody in today's crop of commenters were just wonderful, and I'm just so lucky to be able to comment here. It's truly an honor to be able to be here among the greatest commenters in the industry, and I congratulate MrsBiggTime and all the nominees.

Spurning Beer March 27, 2012 at 8:35 pm

You'd been working on your acceptance speech for awhile, eh, Gully?

Blueb4sunrise March 27, 2012 at 8:38 pm

So basically you're saying that she slept her way to the award.

MrsBiggTime March 27, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Guilty. But how did I miss you, BlueB?
Never mind. Buy a girl a drink?

Blueb4sunrise March 27, 2012 at 9:04 pm

I'm not on the committee….
and I heard that the winner buys.

Designer_Rants March 28, 2012 at 12:10 am

"So basically you're saying that she slept her way to the award."

Slut.

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 2:58 am

Gosh, that was good.

stopthemovie March 27, 2012 at 8:31 pm

'chupar mis bolas'

Blueb4sunrise March 27, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Update: Conservative Teen Magazine site is maybe undergoing maintenance.
http://www.theconservativeteen.com/

BlueStateLibel March 27, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Millions of teenagers are now crying in despair as we speak…

Loaded_Pants March 27, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Maybe it had some dirty sexy thoughts & has now been taking down for a spiritual cleansing.

trampndirtdown March 27, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Turn on the lights and watch the roaches scatter.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 10:38 pm

No snark, my ancient eyes could hardly read the blurry text when I had it at two-page-at-a time size, but when I blew it up (not literally, that was only in my dreams), I could only see half a page, and I couldn't move around in the page. I think their webmaster much still be using punch cards.

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 11:34 pm

The Radical Teens have staged a Revolution and seized all the means of communication.

barto March 28, 2012 at 12:20 am

kind gives whole new meaning to "under construction" , we guess

smokefilledroommate March 28, 2012 at 4:33 am

Maybe they're updating the site with cute 'lil animated right-wing bastards in a comic strip created by some old guy with "the third" affixed to his name… The Conservateens !

Rotundo_ March 28, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Mallard Fillmore and the Conservateens-The winger equivalent of Scooby Doo only they root out voter fraud and liberal "ghosts". That would be chamberpot fulla fun for the kiddos.

MrsBiggTime March 27, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Fellow Wonketteers, I am touched. And honored. And so honored I'm touching myself. Just last week Bristol was asking me what she could do to gain acceptance and love from the Wonkette community, so I gave her the best advice I could. I know how much you all love a happy ending.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find my electric toothbrush.

Biff March 27, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Now, according to long-held Wonkette tradition, you must post a link to a pic of your tits. Or GTFO.

MrsBiggTime March 27, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Biff March 27, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Hail to thee, MrsBiggTime!

RadioStalingrad March 27, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Tell me that Gobblecocks story again.

Fare la Volpe March 27, 2012 at 9:32 pm

JAYZUS.

Loaded_Pants March 27, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I knew that the ratings for "30 Rock" are low but damn…

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I see that you're a Mammal.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 10:40 pm

So you're a biologist, too?

iburl March 27, 2012 at 10:33 pm

! NSF…f…f…fap..

memzilla March 27, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Well done!

Also, I find that the comment "Mrs. Gobblecocks, suck down my balls" is best married to the music of "Mr. Sandman." The first several seconds of the tune sound amazingly like a fap fest.

Negropolis March 27, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Fellow Wonketteers, I am touched. And honored. And so honored I'm touching myself.

Even in winning you are giving. You should win "Comment of Tomorrow" for that one.

Guppy March 27, 2012 at 8:41 pm

But where's the ass-fucking?

Loaded_Pants March 27, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Indeed. I've been waiting for it all day.

DerrickWildcat March 27, 2012 at 8:42 pm

I just waked up.

Spurning Beer March 27, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Naysayers and chinwaggers take note: outrageous libel and allusions to figurative lethal and sexual violence may be off the table, but hey, we have a new comedic device in circulation!

Testicles! Gonads! Scrota!

Exhort bad people to make oro-lingual contact with your junk! It's not quite rapish, and it's funny!

Spurning Beer March 27, 2012 at 8:48 pm

(Just busting your balls, Rebecca.)

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 8:49 pm

I wasn't even here.

But that was fantastically, wonderfully disgusting, MrsBiggTime.
Congratulations!You do this place proud.

Sharkey March 27, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I am so pissed right now. Drunk, that is.

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I feel like Susan Lucci.

randcoolcatdaddy March 27, 2012 at 9:03 pm

MrsBiggTime, I tip my hat to you. After that image is planted in your head, you cannot unsee.

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:04 pm

*adjusts tiara*
*kisses both palms, blows kisses to all*
*walks down runway with armload of red roses, doing queen wave with other hand*
Thank you!
Thank you all so much!
I wondered whether I was going too far when I said that Nancy Reagan was a skeletor-looking bitch whose only nutrition came from swallowing jizz, but I had faith in all of you!
I love you guys!

Wait, what?
I didn't win anything?
*a la Eric Cartman*
Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.

HistoriCat March 28, 2012 at 12:44 pm

It's an honor just to be nomina- … oh, sorry.

GreatChristiano March 27, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Ok, so now we gotta come up with a theme song for MrsBiggTime.

Dashboard Buddha March 27, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Who do you think you are?

GreatChristiano March 27, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Sorry, Rebecca found me in the alley…

Dashboard Buddha March 27, 2012 at 10:58 pm

My apologies…the song I was thinking of is "Mr. Big STUFF"…not bigtime.

iburl March 27, 2012 at 10:26 pm

This should work for bumps between segments: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0FBi5Rv1ho

smokefilledroommate March 28, 2012 at 4:01 am

♪♫ Bigg Time
I'm on my way I'm snarkin' it.. ♫♪

nevermind, that's lame.

RadioStalingrad March 27, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Ever since I was banned, I've decided not to be funny.
Nonetheless, congrats MrsBiggTime.

user-of-owls March 27, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Is there an echo in here?

RadioStalingrad March 27, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I use slap back delay with a low pass filter.

Negropolis March 27, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Never relinquish your snark; do not unilaterally disarm in that way. There are certain people I've given up on after my own banning, but never will I let them take my snark.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Aw, lemme put a little banned-aid on that and make you feel better.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Who banned you Radio?.

RadioStalingrad March 27, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Put it this way Barb, Negropolis and I had a bad night a few weeks ago. My favorite part of that Kafkesque experience is when Mr. Polis tried to communicate to you the gravity of the situation by changing his ID name to BarbHe'sNotKidding. Maybe you were enjoying Vegas? The great Jim Newell eventually restored our privileges, and speaking for myself, I have nothing but admiration for our übereditor as he showed forgiveness and tolerance in allowing us back — even going out of his way to re-instate my home IP address.
All hail the new Wonketz.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Wow, wow, wow, how did I become part of this? E-mail me at Barbxoxo@aol.com and tell me, lol. (3 x's 3 0's)

smokefilledroommate March 28, 2012 at 1:50 am

I had a very public brush with the Banhammer… but apparently, they just can't ban my ass!

Barb March 28, 2012 at 2:09 am

Who could ban an ass that fine?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 27, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Two guys were walking down the street and they came across a dog lying on the sidewalk licking his balls…

First guy: "Jeez, I wish I could do that!”
Second guy: “ You should probably see if he'll let you pet him first.”

BarackMyWorld March 27, 2012 at 9:36 pm

OT head-scratching: http://news.yahoo.com/poll-most-americans-disappr

More than two-thirds of Americans disapprove of the way President Barack Obama is handling high gasoline prices, although most do not blame him for them, according to a Reuters/Ipsos online poll released on Tuesday…"Obama is getting heat for it but people aren't necessarily blaming him for it," said Chris Jackson, research director for Ipsos public affairs.

Republicans have hit Obama particularly hard for his decision to block TransCanada Corp.'s Keystone XL Canada-to-Texas pipeline as a sign that his energy priorities are hurting America…In Oklahoma, he pledged to accelerate approval of the southern leg of the Keystone XL pipeline. Republicans immediately dismissed the campaign-style stop as a stunt, saying Obama does not have the authority to really jump start the project.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY???

Biff March 27, 2012 at 9:51 pm

They need to listen to Bill-o's rant from 2008 regarding the president's ability to alter the price of fuel.

BarackMyWorld March 27, 2012 at 10:30 pm

They don't "blame" him, but they are mad at him about it…

The Republicans are mad at him for blocking the pipeline, but when he says he's trying to get it going, they say he's not the one in charge of it…

I DON'T GET IT.

bikerlaureate March 27, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Josh: 68 percent think we're giving too much in foreign aid and 59 percent think it should be cut.
Will: You like that stat.
Josh: I do.
Will: Why?
Josh: Because 9 percent think it's too high and shouldn't be cut!! Nine percent of the respondents couldn't fully get their arms around the question.

BarackMyWorld March 27, 2012 at 11:01 pm

I see your point, but the logic about the pipeline still makes me want to run into oncoming traffic. How can he be attacked for killing the pipeline, but also not taken seriously because the same critics don't think he can actually do anything about it…
ARGGGG!!!

DahBoner March 28, 2012 at 10:28 am

OBS.

Obama Derangement Syndrom

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:03 pm

FOX "News"

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 10:50 pm

I also heard on the radio today that polling shows the majority of Americans think Obamacare is unConstitutional, but a majority of Americans want Obamacare to remain in effect. Now I admit I pretty much hit the math wall when I got to calculus, but it sure sounds like a majority of Americans hate our sacred, Jeebus-bestowed Constitution. And Bammers is the one who gets called a traitorous Kenyan soshulist?

yyyaz March 27, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Still more rational than the average teahadist.

imissopus March 27, 2012 at 11:38 pm

What's going on? The electorate is dumber than a bag of doorknobs. Wash, rinse, repeat.

FlownOver March 28, 2012 at 12:54 am

73% of all REAL Americans are working on their "Comment of the Day" submissions for tomorrow's Wonket. No time to make sense.

Fare la Volpe March 27, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Maybe I'm just waaaaay too high for a Tuesday evening, but I have no idea what's going on.

Now there are balls dangling in front of my face. The cat wants out.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 11:05 pm

♫ Teabag the cat,
The wonderful, wonderful cat.
Whenever he should feel the call,
He reaches out with his bag of balls.
Teabag the cat,
The wonderful, wonderful cat.
You'll barf so much your sides will ache.
Your eyes will go rat-tat-a-tat,
Watching Teabag the wonderful cat. ♫

Fare la Volpe March 27, 2012 at 11:29 pm

You.

I like you.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 11:44 pm

I like people like you who are straight-forward.

Fare la Volpe March 28, 2012 at 2:07 am

Ba-zing! Tip your waitress, try the veal.

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 11:46 pm

"Rrrrrriiiiight – tee – Oooohh! Ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha! *RETCH*

SayItWithWookies March 27, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Way to go, MrsBiggTime — it's the ideal salute to a pathetic and meaningless show, itself the pinnacle of a president whose greatest talent was standing on the x and reciting his lines.

StarsUponThars March 27, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Chota libel!

littlebigdaddy March 27, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I had a roommate once who went to Chota. He was a total coke head.

owhatever March 27, 2012 at 10:00 pm

In rtaliation for bing so mistratd by Wonttr godss Rbcca, I will no longr us the letter "e" in th rmaindr of my posts today.

But congratulations to MrsBiggtim. Sh dsrvs th honor.

trampndirtdown March 27, 2012 at 10:00 pm

OT Rachel is reporting breaking news that Newt is cutting his campaign staff by one third.

iburl March 27, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Oh no, he's getting divorced again?

I think they were down to just Newt, Callista and the jerk in the Elephant suit driving the bus.

fartknocker March 27, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Calista has to touch the Newt balls. Ewww.

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:51 pm

He still has two thirds too many.

imissopus March 27, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Seems we're shy one horse.

smokefilledroommate March 28, 2012 at 4:21 am

I thought the one staffer they had also had to double as Ellis the Elephant on the Tiffany's elementary school book tour 'campaign stops'.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 11:08 pm

When's he gonna do our eyes a favor and cut himself by one third?

imissopus March 27, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Yeah, but he was also on TV today suggesting that the four remaining candidates have a primetime debate at the convention, perhaps in place of the keynote speech on opening night. Fucker still seems to think he can go to Tampa and impress about 800 delegates so much they will all switch to him.

BTWBFDIMHO March 27, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Wait, is Tampa the plural of Tampon?

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 3:14 am

Um, even republicans know by now that newt is deranged.

Boojum March 28, 2012 at 6:58 am

That's some Republican jerb creatin'!

Mumbletypeg March 27, 2012 at 10:02 pm

OT/ I just registered online for tomorrow's Jeopardy!® contestant app/ quiz/ audition?
I cannot even spell the game's name without getting the 'a' and the 'o' mixed up, furthermore I can recall woefully little trivia, or at least not consistently. YEAH JEAPORDY, Bring It On!1.

ETA: Congrats MsBiggTime on making TEH BIGG TIME, and with style~

RadioStalingrad March 27, 2012 at 10:11 pm

What is spellcheck?
"You know who else" for $1600, Alex.

Mumbletypeg March 27, 2012 at 10:12 pm

It's more like when I go to type it or when I'm texting someone. Inevitably I have to go back and swap vowels.
Speaking of swapping vowels — I was just fixing to message you RS

RadioStalingrad March 27, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. Go ahead punky, make my night.

Mumbletypeg March 27, 2012 at 10:54 pm

LOL, "Punk" was my nickname freshman year in college! Was I so drunk on sangria that I forgot I'd told you this? More to come~

DerrickWildcat March 27, 2012 at 10:29 pm

I am good at that show.

trampndirtdown March 27, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Good luck, don't forget Weird Al. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSBrYty844Y

Mumbletypeg March 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm

trampn, that means a lot. I've enjoyed your site, hope it's not blogwhoring to say that on someone's behalf, anyways I mean what I say. [Blog-pimping, maybe].

trampndirtdown March 27, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Not my blog. I just stumbled on it and thought I'd share.

Mumbletypeg March 27, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Oh that's too bad. Points for the Weird Al link though~

Barb March 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Mumble, spelling doesn't count on the online version, trust me. I got picked, lol. Call me and Jeffer and I will take the quiz with you.

Negropolis March 27, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I'm partial to Annie's as a Michigander. With relatively low clearances, it is, indeed, difficult to drive two Cadillacs up a flight of stairs, side by side.

littlebigdaddy March 27, 2012 at 10:20 pm

OK, how's this for a hypothetical response to a story about Lindsey Graham:
"Miss Lindsey has been putting on the pounds. I think she should stay away from the organ meats." Wokawoka.

iburl March 27, 2012 at 10:28 pm

If Wonkette is looking for filler, there's always the ol' photoshop contest.

This should do; pig: http://i.huffpost.com/gen/548334/thumbs/r-SANTORU

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:35 pm
Loaded_Pants March 27, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Good turkey-gravy Jesus, there's no end to the pics in which Santorum looks dumb.
In this one, he needs some brown splotches on his nose & thumb.

johnnyzhivago March 27, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Bring back Kortney!!!!

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 11:15 pm
AddHomonym March 27, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Bollocks!

anniegetyerfun March 27, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Seriously, though, the rest of us didn't stand a chance against that.

Mumbletypeg March 27, 2012 at 10:52 pm

It's a matter of whim, timing, a-way-with-words and often brevity or such. Argh, who the fuck knows? Your honorable mention was well deserved!

anniegetyerfun March 27, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Well, thank you, but I say the winner is really far out of my league. (esp her tits)

DerrickWildcat March 27, 2012 at 10:55 pm

GRANT IS LEAVING T.A.P.S TOMORROW!
I can't believe it. What will happen to the Ghost Hunters? My life will be changed forever. Please don't leave Grant. PLEASE!

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 11:02 pm

He's getting his own show. Leprechaun Hunters.

DerrickWildcat March 27, 2012 at 11:45 pm

You shut it!
Think about what you're gonna do now, when you have a ghost running around in your house and and talking in your ears!

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Well they'll just have to take a number and get in line because the voices in my head come first!

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 3:17 am

Can you hire a Squatch?

DerrickWildcat March 28, 2012 at 3:24 am

Well I hope they don't hire one of those International Ghost Hunters. They are terrible! The one chubby guy cries all the time. Ghost Hunters shouldn't cry on an investigation.

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 11:10 pm

"Finish the fucking story! What … what about the Glands?"
– Raoul Duke

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 11:58 pm

The other day I was reading in my primary source of true facts and information (other than teh Wikipedia), "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader", that when the girls were screaming so loud at Beatles' concerts that nobody could hear the words, John Lennon would sing, "I wanna hold your gla-a-a-a-a-and".

C_R_Eature March 28, 2012 at 12:01 am

Ha, that's good! It's also the version I sing if the song comes on the radio. I get looks, sometimes.

ttommyunger March 27, 2012 at 11:16 pm

O.K., but how is this good news for John McCain?

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 3:18 am

He's still breathing, and married to a very rich woman?

ttommyunger March 28, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Cunt-woman, by his own account.

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 11:53 pm

OT, I got an e-mail this morning from soshulist film-maker Robert Greenwald, with the title line, "[pdog] Do You Want to Beat the Koch Brothers?", but sadly, there was no way to reply, "Yeah, With a Crowbar", even if you bought the DVD he was pimpin'.

I've been spoiled by teh Wonkette.

imissopus March 27, 2012 at 11:55 pm

You're stoned. I was just here a few hours ago. Admittedly though, I do short drive-bys and there are a lot more posts to wade through then there used to be. Still the sentiment is greatly appreciated.

imissopus March 27, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Say, it's OT but here's a good one:
http://freebeacon.com/registered-dem-killed-trayv

flamingpdog March 28, 2012 at 12:15 am

Freecon Bea A!!

Designer_Rants March 28, 2012 at 12:26 am

Democraps: History's Greatest Monsters

barto March 28, 2012 at 12:14 am

Crap. 682 comments and not even an honorable mention. Oh well, back to workies!

SaintRond March 28, 2012 at 12:38 am

At times like these, why can't we just revisit some of Wonkettes' greatest hits?

I nominate Orly Taitz's sex life. That was a really good one. The one where it was reported in court papers that she was "tighter and wetter than gals half her age."

Peace… God bless…

Mumbletypeg March 28, 2012 at 12:59 am

"At times like these, why can't we just revisit some of Wonkettes' greatest"

You must have misread the Editresse's intro. She says she resurrected the CoD because she[they] got bored. You're alluding to what we do when *we* get bored…
or I'll just speak for myself.

dubyatf March 28, 2012 at 12:49 am

Congratulations on your rackognition, Missus!

Hey, yawl, exsqueeze, please the O/T and also, I hope I'm not violating any rules BUT did you know that Starbucks is getting a huge amount of flak from yet another ironically named right wing org (the Nat'l Organ. For Marriage, which naturally brings to mind one Rick Santorum, the Big Dick Hetero Marriage poster goy) because Starbucks, which is a company I generally avoid like the plague/Fox news (synonyms) has come out in support of marriage equality. Supposably 10,000 NOMs have pledged to boycott Starbucks. Now, I don't believe for a minute that most of these creatures would wake up to anything more bracing than a hot cup of fugly and have therefore never breached the foyer of a single store belonging to the most ubiquitous frickin retail entity on the planet. So probly not a huge hit in economic terms. Still, it's the principle. You can sign a "giant Thank You card"
at the following site (the goal is to reach 10 x more sigs than have been gathered by the Chromosome Impaired): http://pol.moveon.org/thankstarbucks/?id=38067-22

Barb March 28, 2012 at 1:41 am

Dub, I hate Starbucks. You could easier jump start your colon by drinking straight turpentine.

People travel for business and pleasure. Starbucks is pretty much your only choice when you are in an airport. Do you want to "make ploppies" before you get on that plane or wait until you get on that plane? I'd rather "make a stinky" at the airport I am leaving than to risk having to wait for the pilot give my colon permission.

PETA hasn't made a dent in McDonald's, McNugget abusers they are. If I bite into a McNugget and find a feather, I just find another one to dunk and get over it. Nine out of ten is better odds than you have at any casino in Vegas.

Life is short, the large intestine is large, hence the name. I take mine with a splash of cream, thank you!

dubyatf March 28, 2012 at 2:32 am

Srsly, don't I know it. I always- but always-travel with my Bodum French press and muh coffee grinder. They're the first things I pack in my carry-on. Cream for me, too, please. With a bissel of cinnamon.
Your rumination about parastalsis and the dilemma re: to plop or not to plop pre-flight reminded me of this (I'm going to read it again, now, and I ga-rohn-TEE something's gonna get wet. Either my cheeks or my Underoos. Please, you, too- read it and weep-or peep): http://www.flightsfromhell.com/wp-content/uploads

dubyatf March 28, 2012 at 2:43 am

Heh. Originally the goal was to gather 100,000 signatures and they're almost at 300K.
When you want something done with a flourish, you turn to teh gays, amirite?
Suck down THOSE balls, NOMnuts.

DrunkIrishman March 28, 2012 at 12:56 am

I DEMAND A RECOUNT!

RadioStalingrad March 28, 2012 at 1:49 am

It's not over until Katherine Harris' gets two years on the hill.

gurukalehuru March 28, 2012 at 1:00 am

Although there was considerable merit to "Bring me an iced tea, motherfucker," I believe you made the correct choice.

mrblifil March 28, 2012 at 1:51 am

I dunno, the winning entry comes off as sorta kinda rape-y.

DerrickWildcat March 28, 2012 at 2:27 am

They were the ones eating the pie.

iburl March 28, 2012 at 2:37 am

They got the blueberry pie all over their face!

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 3:20 am

Really, don't ever change.

Negropolis March 28, 2012 at 7:47 am

He couldn't if he tried.

C_R_Eature March 28, 2012 at 7:03 am

Rebecca:
I think it will be important, going forward, to try to eliminate some uncertainty in the Judging of our writings here. . I'm working up an analysis routine to properly quantify the relative Testicularity of future Wonkette posts.

I am basing my equaitions on Teslacle's Deviant to Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
It goes in, it must come out

I will keep you apprised of my progress.

DerrickWildcat March 28, 2012 at 8:28 am

Hey guys, some really good looks at the Cranes can be seen right now
http://www.rowesanctuary.org/crane%20cam.htm

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 10:28 am

They'll need one of those to take the house he built for her apart, much less to mend her heart or to help him start to see a world apart from pain.

Nopantsmcgee March 28, 2012 at 9:10 am

I'm pro ball-gobbling. And I vote.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 9:13 am

It's an honor just to be nominated. Also, balls.

LiveToServeYa March 28, 2012 at 9:55 am

If I could just put in a word for TruckNutz because of Traditions.

DahBoner March 28, 2012 at 10:26 am

Balls

A GAY ROBOT WITH A MOHAWK COULD DO THIS JOB…

keinsignal March 28, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I will never understand your generation's humor.

crybabyboehner March 28, 2012 at 3:24 pm

This site sure has gotten raunchy since that lady took over.

Boojum March 27, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Skål!

memzilla March 27, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Prosit!

smokefilledroommate March 28, 2012 at 5:09 am

pantspantspants! (actually, I was kind of a lurker back then)

Doktor StrangeZoom March 28, 2012 at 10:08 am

This is Shorts we're talking about. We have to chug a can of ANAL BLAST

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 9:36 pm

True, but that was the style at the time.

Barb March 27, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I replied to your post about Palin and Ronnie at the Eureka, CA college. Plain gave a speech in CA and said that Ronnie went to the CA no IL college, LOL!

AlterNewt March 27, 2012 at 10:02 pm

"True, but that was the style at the time."

I see what you did there.

C_R_Eature March 27, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I've had extensive training in Mammalian Protuberance Recognition.

UW8316154 March 27, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Well, wonkette IS a mommy-blog now…

flamingpdog March 27, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Cutting his staff? How did he find it – I thought he hadn't seen it in years?

Boojum March 28, 2012 at 6:13 am

I dunno…Newt's a floater. We may see him again.

Geminisunmars March 28, 2012 at 1:52 am

As long as you are expecting logical, rational, consistent thought processes from the Amurrican Public, you will be in pain.

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2012 at 2:37 am

"As long as you are expecting logical, rational, consistent thought processes from the Amurrican Public and Republican Party, you will be in pain."

-fixed.

George Spelvin March 28, 2012 at 2:57 am

Mandalay Bay is, indeed, pretty amazing.

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 4:44 am

I know. I was just playing stoopit in return. It's only dinnertime here, and I'm bored without my Wonkette playmates, besides.

Hey, your P-ness is HUGE.

smokefilledroommate March 28, 2012 at 4:46 am

Superego would be a great name for a hamster. I don't know why.
Aw, who gives a shit about pee?

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 4:51 am

Because they're so tiny?

Not me, dood. When I first came here I asked everybody whatthehell this P thing was and how it works. I still have no fucking idea, but mine seems to have grown despite all my obnoxious snipy comments, so whatevs. I'm always impressed when it grows, tho. I think Jukesgrrl is secretly upfisting us all night, or sumpn.

C_R_Eature March 28, 2012 at 6:17 am

I know many things. I have no idea what this is, though. Hopefully, you just called me something horribly insulting so I can use the term later.

Boojum March 28, 2012 at 6:28 am

Do you think I could get her to upfist my p-ness?

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 6:38 am

Dood, she seems to have Teh Majik Fingers. How could you lose?

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 6:41 am

Actually, yes, it IS horribly insulting — if you happen to belong to that culture. It means "without shame." Ever read Rushdie?

C_R_Eature March 28, 2012 at 7:06 am

Outside the dome? I never get out of the boat!

FROTHY March 28, 2012 at 7:20 am

Jezus, dood, I watched that movie with a vet friend of mine who was in the Marines (2 tours, the eejit) after we blew our minds out on some good blotter. I don't think I'll EVAH be able to watch anything from it again, EVAH.

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