What what? What’s this? Comment of the Day is back? Yes, because Wonkette operative “chascates” sent us hardly any tips today. Enjoy it while it lasts, because we are disinclined to honor implied promises like “of the day” except when it suits us/we are bored.
Nonetheless! The competition was fierce.
Would it be Donner_Froh? 
How about Doktor StrangeZoom?
SCREW YOU GUYS NO IT WOULD NOT BECAUSE THOSE ARE NOT ABOUT BALLS! Drumroll, please.
To what is today’s winner replying? This:
Blowjob. The word is “blowjob.” And scores of Old Hollywood has apparently had their tumescent, swollen cocks in her mouth, and apparently she was GREAT at it, which is the first good thing about Nancy Reagan we have ever heard.
Join us in congratulating MrsBiggTime, for this astoundingly disgusting piece of work: 
You win nothing but our hearts.
{ 378 comments }
Wow, I wasted my time here today, eh?
Oh c'mon, you little prima donna.
[/gives Barb a noogie]
Thanks for the nookie! Oh, you said "noogie"
I love what Rebecca did and I told her so in private.
Mebbe you get something out of it by giving me a book report of all the blog posts today so I don't have to read them myself.
Geez barb, you already have like the biggest p-ness in the room.
No, you are the wind beneath our wings.
That song always reminded me of farting.
Hoist by his own petard.
"You are the wind beneath my cheeks"?
Thanks Chas!
That's like, bird farts.
Today?
You have never wasted anytime… ever.
DaRooster, shhhh, don't tell Jeffer that I played Zuma's Revenge all day. I tossed a dryer sheet into the empty dryer and fired it up so that he would assume that I did chores today.
Equivalent to spreading sawdust around the driveway and gluing some pieces of wood together saying, "I got started on that counter top…"
(nice stealthyness)
I'm going to Amazon.com to get me some sawdust.
Don't give that shit away, man!
Haw, I used to boil an onion on the stove top.
Tessiee, then they expect homemade food.
Barb you are never wasting time. i follow you so I can see what the cool kids are talking about.
Trampndowndirt, I followed you first! You're so sweet to me.
We have tomorrow to make the comment of the day.
I am going to comment my brains out today. I need the affirmation!!! I will be back, I have to go sit in front of my mirror.
You can't win everything, Barb; don't get greedy. I wouldn't want to have to call you a Republican.
Speaking of Republicans, Newt is cutting his staff. http://pwire.at/GYl6SR
Ouch?
Boojum, he's taking his last swirl around the bowl, eh?
Which third of Callista goes first? I'd say the one with the highest Tiffany's salvage value.
Look, if Rebecca ever decides to have an award for "Comment of the Year", she's gonna have to call it the "Barb". And I'm hoping it will be a knitted replica of Miss Mookie (because I'm sorta perverse).
Oh, I volunteered to give a knitted uterus to Saxby Chambliss and heard from the knitter! It will be ready in two days!
Ugh, passed over again, Like Bob Hope at the Oscars.
Nancy never "passed over" Bob.
Ahahaha. Holy shit, I'm sorry I missed that. I am never going to be able to hear that line without laughing. I mean, not that I didn't before.
Balls. Balls balls balls.
So, this is all chascates' fault, eh?
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!
It's always chascates' fault. Well, either chascates or FROTHY.
Since Shorts is no longer around I'm having to do twice as much work.
Where is Shorts, the old blog whore?
Not sure, I have him as a connection on LinkedIn and he's listed as a paralegal. The old site ShortsShortsShorts.com is gone and isn't available at archive.org either.
Wonkette is a like a combination of cult membership and military service. Many hear the call, some try it out, few make a long-term commitment. And there are casualties! In Shorts memory let us all take a drink/toke/whatever.
balls-out brilliant!
I laughed my considerable arse off at that one, I recall.
You win nothing but our hearts.
I thought you had to be a 71-year old sociopath warmonger to get one of those.
Hey, Mrs BT could have won a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack instead.
My favorite post today was on the thread "NOPD Suspends Racist Cop"…
"Is that a hoodie?"
-smashedinhat
But it wasn't balls related, so disqualification, I guess.
I raise a beverage in your direction sir/madam while searching for my keys through a tear in my pocket.
Hearts? Balls.
YO BiggTime, I'm really happy for you, and ima let you finish, but StrangeZoom had one of the best comments of ALL DAY!! Of ALL DAY!
Well, there is a certain nobility in the effort the rest of us have exerted to maintain the flow of snarky conversation, yes?
HAHAHA, I'm kidding. The rest of us are total losers.
Does winning "Comment of the Day" enhance one's p-ness?
It swells with pride.
Today we are all swollen with pride.
Yes, but if it lasts for over four hours they should see a doctor.
Or a
Brietbarthooker…If the enhancement doesn't subside in 4 hours, seek Nancy Reagan's expert help.
Wait. Somebody reads these comments?
Of course. How else will they know which ones to delete?
Fer reals, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't delete. Rebecca would never delete criticism–word.
No, the little left-coaster would rather hold hands and talk about our feelings while trying to help us to understand why she is disappointed.
I'm pretty sure what you just said was girl talk because geez, that went right over my head.
*Mr. Van Dreisen voice*
Now Beavis and Butthead, let's talk about respecting the feelings of others, mmkay?
Random number generator?
That's true. I suppose if I can use one to assign grades to problem sets, Her Divine Editrixishness can use it to select for deletion.—
You mean other than their own?
Oh, no.
*Quiet Announcer Voice*
Today's Password Is: Balls.
Can tomorrow's be 'gobblecocks'?
That's the safeword.
I thought it was still Green Balloons. You have to tell me these things I'm slow.
And also, can we get the Heavy Metal/Monster Truck announcer guy to say it?
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY
True story: 71.75 MHz is the frequency for the audio channel for TV station Channel Four in Seattle. That frequency is also one used by military radios such as the AN/PRC-77, which enabled me and most of the rest of my fellow troopers to listen into Monday Night Football when it first came on. If one got close enough to the housing area with a powerful enough radio, one could replace the audio with "You're full of shit, Howard!" on televisions. Sometimes the "Password" was "Fuck!" also.
Something about this reminds me of Joe Haldeman's The Forever War, where the Army, in an attempt to be hip, replaces "Yes Sir" with "Fuck You." Sadly, its function as reinforcer of hierarchy remains, so the net effect is that cussin' is no longer any fun.
Say the magic woid, the duck comes down, pays a hundred dollahs.
Contestant: Well, I'm from [hometown], and I have 19 children.
Groucho: 19 children! That's a big responsibility! How come you have so many children?
Contestant: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while.
I never knew until right now that George Fenneman was an actual born-in-China commie bastard!
"Balls!" said the Queen, "if I had 'em, I'd be King."
"Nuts!" said the Prince, "I've got them, and *I'M* not King."
"Crap!" said the King, and thirty thousand royal subjects …
but you know the rest. Can I have a heart now?
World's shortest poem, entitled "Balls":
Adam
Had 'em.
I thought that poem's title was "Fleas".
A very lovely poem about breasts:
Eve, I believe,
was the first to receive.
I like that. Hopefully, I will be the next. (Recipient, that is. Mmm, boobies.)
What was it Woody Allen said about bisexuals? Double your chance of a date on Saturday night?
I thought that was about oral sex.
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And great was his mirth,
For in all of the Earth
There were only two balls, and he had 'em.
Oh, nice.
And forty-thousand men crapped for in those days the King's word was law?? I know I'm close.
My old man's version goes thusly:
"Balls!" said the Queen, "If I had two, I'd be King."
And the King laughed, not because he wanted to, but because he had two.
That's the one, Madam.
I like yer old man's version, too.
"Can I have a heart now?"
*Glinda voice*
But Frothy, you've *always* had a heart!
That is so sweet, tessiee. Thank you. (I think)
"Balls" said the Queen and the King laughed because he had to.
Will you be back before OzWinter?
Yes. I just changed my ticket booking. I should be back soon.
Didja miss me, hun?
We've all you missed you!
Filthy. Filthy filthy filthy.
I love it.
The joke's on MrsBiggTime because now she has to rewrite her resume.
I am appalled at some of the bad sportsmanship in these comments. That's just sour balls.
MMMmmm… sourballs.
Leads to Lemonheads.
Followed by a bunch of Sour Patch Kids.
After his second heart attack, Gallagher may have to downsize his act to smashing waterlemons.
Smokefilledroommate just won my vote for comment of the day.
I just got back from spending all day in the field and haven't looked at any of the posts from earlier today. Am I allowed to comment on this post or do I have to go back and read all the old ones? Please tell me there are less than 14 of 'em today.
Wait, what?
No rules here, except play nice.
You just go right ahead and comment here. I'm up.
What are the three biggest lies on Wonkette?
"Hey – I posted that first!"
"I never check my 'p'."
And…?
"Size doesn't matter."
I live in Size Queen City, and I'm tellin' ya … oh, wait. Never mind.
Blah is beautiful.
That's no lie, pdog.
3. I didn't read the other comments before I copied yours word-for-word.
Almost 40 replies is great.
Having your reply get more thumbs up than my original post, not so much.
"Great post, Rebecca!"
While maybe not top three yet….the ladies claiming they have big boobs is gaining ground.
"Agreed. No more dick jokes."
I was using the word in the sense of "to slow down".
That's what Olympia Snowe said.
Sure.
Tard-y?
"I won't cum in your mouth?"
For internet posters the lie's more likely to be "I won't cum on my own sheets just thinking about getting a real blow job".
Um, at teh Wonkette, it's more likely to be, "No, I won't come in your asshole".
Too subtle.
Twice is a trend.
"I'll be brief."
"You be boxers."
Actually, I be commando.
Nilojja!
ZOMG, I said EXACTLY that, but ID ate my comment!
No?
SUPEREGO ate my homework!
Dood, is that the dog's name, or what?
Nice to see you up so late. I miss mah Wonketz-eerz.
It's a really lame attempt at a Freudian joke.
Monsters from the Id ate my Homework.
Quit leaving it outside the Dome, dood.
"'All of them, Katie' and 'Your move, _______' are not funny."
MrsBiggTime always was mom's favorite.
A milestone is a milestone even if its just a time stamp for a new low.
If the world is not living up to your expectations, its better to lower
your expectations rather than repeatedly hammer your head against
a brick wall!
If you keep your expectations tiny, you can go through life without being so whiny.
Between the sheets.
…winning hearts and balls everywhere.
Dude, I had no idea this was going to be a competition. I had to quit (got kicked off) my softball team after threatening to slap the umpire one too many times. Not that he didn't deserve it. His strike zone was about twice as wide as his fat ass.
Penis
somebody had to say it
Too soon.
**golf clap**
Breitbart
Hey, that's my line! Fuck you.
"balls" just has that je ne sais quois that penis will never have. Penis is too anatomically correct, too scientific.
MrsBiggtime FTW!
Dimension.
All of them, Katie.
Yarbles.
Easy for you to say.
Sorry! I left the house early to pick up the 2 cats I left at the vet yesterday (spay & neuter), tried to find the small engine repair place (didn't, water pump for garden still down), picked up feed for the pigs, sheep, and dogs and then had to till several old garden beds. Caught some ducklings to sell to a neighbor, picked some peas, and then planted radish, cuke, and squash seeds.
I'll try to not let this happen again and congrats to MrsBiggTime!
I think I speak for everyone when I say we're getting a little bit tired of all the excuses, chascates.
Didn't have to fight-off any marauding Tejas Rangers who were high on cordite? Easy day then.
Spay & Neuter? Those are funny names for cats.
'Stay' was always my favorite name for a dog. "Come here, STAY!"
As told in the book "How to Make Your Dog Schizophrenic".
You could name them You and Back.
"Hey, YOU!"
"Come, BACK!"
Both of my dogs think their name is "GO OUT?".
Good luck scrubbing that scarlet "L" off your forehead, loser.
Water pump? Whatever happened to the hose? or hauling water (remember – "Education Must Be Combined with Productive Labor" – Chairman Meow)?
Busy day, chascates! Hope the kittehs are recovering nicely, and the ducks are, erm, destined for a pleasant fate.
Or the ducks could be destined for a pleasant pate.
or a pheasant plate.
Tomorrow's "Comment of the Day" winner gets to be put in a crate so small they can't turn around.
Why not? My university already torments me with cruel training exercises.
And the losers have to hose off the car windows.
Hey, did you hear the news that Mitt Romney's installing an elevator just for his dogs in his newest house? The downside is that it doesn't stop on the way up until it gets to the roof.
Do we have to watch the movie titanic in 3 D as we descend in that crate?
We call those crates "cubicles" in our office.
Oddly enough they get upset when you relieve yourself inside one, given the construction I would think that that was what they had in mind…
I guess I'm winning it, then.
Some day…some day. A fellow can dream, can he not? Even if I do make it on the COTD, it will only be because I stand on the shoulders of giants.
I have never won one of these fancy wonk-snark competitions. I blame my toddler. And also the fact that I am a biologist, which statistically makes me at least 30% less funny than the general population. I over-compensate by having big boobs.
I know I speak for everyone when I say we absolutely need a "boobs of the day" competition as well. I'm surprised Wonkette has been able to survive this long without it.
We mean as long as you are female and over the age of, let's say,…. 18?
Naw, Civic is a 57 yr old man.
You know that regulations are job killers, don't you?
Hahahahaha holy shit that was straight up about Math. Not a Palin, but okay. I have big boobs too. It's better than being funny.
eta – I got deleted trying to respond with why I couldn't take certain math classes. No go! I even spelled it out. We are NOT going to get into that shit AT ALL! I hear ya!
I was deleted for mentioning that math class a few weeks ago. So disappointing to fail it again.
What you're looking for is Analytical Geometry. Or possibly complex-number theory. Or go straight to four dimensions, which I suppose is quadronometry.
Big boobs aren't BETTER than being funny but they sure help. But the real deal is a woman who does her best to be an anti-Palin – relying on strengths OTHER than looks and one-liners to get you places.
And somewhere Newt Gingrich is crying and saying "But Callista, I have big boobs too. Why don't the voters like me?"
BOOBS!!!!1!1!
I speak for everyone else when I say, do not worry about your lack of teh funny. I will gladly give you some of my p-ness if you let me play with your boobies.
mmmmmm delicious p-ness…except that I think I have more to spare than you do
You may have MORE, but more to spare? I think not! Extremism in pursuit of boobies is no vice! I regret that I have but 100 p to give for your boobies! And other stuff, because boobies!
You're funnier than you think.
The 30% value stems from a statistical sampling artifact:
You were sampling the General population, who are 30% less likely to find Biological humor funny whereas 75% of the Biologist Population find it funny (with 25% of the Biologist Population having no sense of humor).
This just points out the need for more Biologists on the Judging Committee (as long as they're 75 % – ers!).
Oh, and Boobies!!1! are Always Good.
What do you call an anesthetized rabbit? The Ether Bunny!
R = [bunny image] = R
Q: Have you ever smelled moth balls?
A: How'd you get their little legs apart!!!1! HAW HAW HAW
OK, but what is Newt Gingrich overcompensating for with his tremendous man-juggage?
Now comes the crying.
Fuck! I never win shit! This does not bode well for my Vegas trip this weekend.
I just got back from Vegas, and I know what you mean…from the future!
Err, pasture.
~
Since I no go to Reno until June… you can have my very special luck… for a couple of weeks…
Where are you staying in Vegas?
Probably Excalibur or one of the nearby places like Luxor or NYNY, that's where most of my amigos are gonna be hanging out. Maybe one of them will give me the govt rate if I flash my USAF ID. Annual three day sleaze-and-debauchery-thon with a bunch of friends out of Phoenix. Gotta do O'Shea's one last time before they close.
You MUST sign up for a Player's Club card. They will send you tons of comps if you do. If you have a Player's Club card do not be shy about asking for comps. E-mail them ahead of time and ask. Include your card number and hint that you are looking at more than one property to take your business. I was there 2 weeks ago and I made them pay for my room, my food, my drinks, my limo, etc.
Check out the MLife website.
At first, I thought you said the MiLF website……hey, just trying to win comment of the evening.
I'll have to look into that. Is it worth bothering with if you only go to Vegas once every year or two? I don't gamble that much, either.
I recommend a visit to The Cosmopolitan.
~
I stayed at the Cosmopolitan and it is really nice. THE Hotel (Mandalay Bay) is great. Yes, the call it "THE" Hotel.
Just got back from the Palms a month and a half ago– meh. Didn't really dig it; wasn't my scene. At all. After driving by the Cosmo (which looks like the friggin' Matrix) we decided next time that's where we're gonna stay!
Smoke, Google "chandelier bar las vegas" click "images" You're going to love seeing this in person. Too many great images to just narrow down one for you.
Palms is the for the MTV douchebag generation (mine, BTW). You'll only find it fun if your idea of fun is to wrangle a sexytime encounter with Paris Hilton or one of the Real World guys in a hot tub and/or get wasted on the rooftop bar.
Well, you know, MrsBiggTime gave just a fantastic performance, as did all of my fellow commenters , and I'm just so happy that she got it, she totally deserves this award. Everybody in today's crop of commenters were just wonderful, and I'm just so lucky to be able to comment here. It's truly an honor to be able to be here among the greatest commenters in the industry, and I congratulate MrsBiggTime and all the nominees.
You'd been working on your acceptance speech for awhile, eh, Gully?
So basically you're saying that she slept her way to the award.
Guilty. But how did I miss you, BlueB?
Never mind. Buy a girl a drink?
I'm not on the committee….
and I heard that the winner buys.
"So basically you're saying that she slept her way to the award."
Slut.
Gosh, that was good.
'chupar mis bolas'
Update: Conservative Teen Magazine site is maybe undergoing maintenance.
http://www.theconservativeteen.com/
Millions of teenagers are now crying in despair as we speak…
Maybe it had some dirty sexy thoughts & has now been taking down for a spiritual cleansing.
Turn on the lights and watch the roaches scatter.
No snark, my ancient eyes could hardly read the blurry text when I had it at two-page-at-a time size, but when I blew it up (not literally, that was only in my dreams), I could only see half a page, and I couldn't move around in the page. I think their webmaster much still be using punch cards.
The Radical Teens have staged a Revolution and seized all the means of communication.
kind gives whole new meaning to "under construction" , we guess
Maybe they're updating the site with cute 'lil animated right-wing bastards in a comic strip created by some old guy with "the third" affixed to his name… The Conservateens !
Mallard Fillmore and the Conservateens-The winger equivalent of Scooby Doo only they root out voter fraud and liberal "ghosts". That would be chamberpot fulla fun for the kiddos.
Fellow Wonketteers, I am touched. And honored. And so honored I'm touching myself. Just last week Bristol was asking me what she could do to gain acceptance and love from the Wonkette community, so I gave her the best advice I could. I know how much you all love a happy ending.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find my electric toothbrush.
Now, according to long-held Wonkette tradition, you must post a link to a pic of your tits. Or GTFO.
Sigh… alright. http://www.naughty.com/news/Sarah_Palin/Pornstar_…
Hail to thee, MrsBiggTime!
Tell me that Gobblecocks story again.
JAYZUS.
I knew that the ratings for "30 Rock" are low but damn…
I see that you're a Mammal.
So you're a biologist, too?
! NSF…f…f…fap..
Well done!
Also, I find that the comment "Mrs. Gobblecocks, suck down my balls" is best married to the music of "Mr. Sandman." The first several seconds of the tune sound amazingly like a fap fest.
Even in winning you are giving. You should win "Comment of Tomorrow" for that one.
But where's the ass-fucking?
Indeed. I've been waiting for it all day.
I just waked up.
Naysayers and chinwaggers take note: outrageous libel and allusions to figurative lethal and sexual violence may be off the table, but hey, we have a new comedic device in circulation!
Testicles! Gonads! Scrota!
Exhort bad people to make oro-lingual contact with your junk! It's not quite rapish, and it's funny!
(Just busting your balls, Rebecca.)
I wasn't even here.
But that was fantastically, wonderfully disgusting, MrsBiggTime.
Congratulations!You do this place proud.
I am so pissed right now. Drunk, that is.
I feel like Susan Lucci.
MrsBiggTime, I tip my hat to you. After that image is planted in your head, you cannot unsee.
*adjusts tiara*
*kisses both palms, blows kisses to all*
*walks down runway with armload of red roses, doing queen wave with other hand*
Thank you!
Thank you all so much!
I wondered whether I was going too far when I said that Nancy Reagan was a skeletor-looking bitch whose only nutrition came from swallowing jizz, but I had faith in all of you!
I love you guys!
Wait, what?
I didn't win anything?
*a la Eric Cartman*
Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
It's an honor just to be nomina- … oh, sorry.
Ok, so now we gotta come up with a theme song for MrsBiggTime.
Who do you think you are?
Sorry, Rebecca found me in the alley…
My apologies…the song I was thinking of is "Mr. Big STUFF"…not bigtime.
This should work for bumps between segments: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0FBi5Rv1ho
♪♫ Bigg Time
I'm on my way I'm snarkin' it.. ♫♪
nevermind, that's lame.
Ever since I was banned, I've decided not to be funny.
Nonetheless, congrats MrsBiggTime.
Is there an echo in here?
I use slap back delay with a low pass filter.
Never relinquish your snark; do not unilaterally disarm in that way. There are certain people I've given up on after my own banning, but never will I let them take my snark.
Aw, lemme put a little banned-aid on that and make you feel better.
Who banned you Radio?.
Put it this way Barb, Negropolis and I had a bad night a few weeks ago. My favorite part of that Kafkesque experience is when Mr. Polis tried to communicate to you the gravity of the situation by changing his ID name to BarbHe'sNotKidding. Maybe you were enjoying Vegas? The great Jim Newell eventually restored our privileges, and speaking for myself, I have nothing but admiration for our übereditor as he showed forgiveness and tolerance in allowing us back — even going out of his way to re-instate my home IP address.
All hail the new Wonketz.
Wow, wow, wow, how did I become part of this? E-mail me at Barbxoxo@aol.com and tell me, lol. (3 x's 3 0's)
I had a very public brush with the Banhammer… but apparently, they just can't ban my ass!
Who could ban an ass that fine?
Two guys were walking down the street and they came across a dog lying on the sidewalk licking his balls…
First guy: "Jeez, I wish I could do that!”
Second guy: “ You should probably see if he'll let you pet him first.”
OT head-scratching: http://news.yahoo.com/poll-most-americans-disappr…
More than two-thirds of Americans disapprove of the way President Barack Obama is handling high gasoline prices, although most do not blame him for them, according to a Reuters/Ipsos online poll released on Tuesday…"Obama is getting heat for it but people aren't necessarily blaming him for it," said Chris Jackson, research director for Ipsos public affairs.
Republicans have hit Obama particularly hard for his decision to block TransCanada Corp.'s Keystone XL Canada-to-Texas pipeline as a sign that his energy priorities are hurting America…In Oklahoma, he pledged to accelerate approval of the southern leg of the Keystone XL pipeline. Republicans immediately dismissed the campaign-style stop as a stunt, saying Obama does not have the authority to really jump start the project.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY???
They need to listen to Bill-o's rant from 2008 regarding the president's ability to alter the price of fuel.
They don't "blame" him, but they are mad at him about it…
The Republicans are mad at him for blocking the pipeline, but when he says he's trying to get it going, they say he's not the one in charge of it…
I DON'T GET IT.
Josh: 68 percent think we're giving too much in foreign aid and 59 percent think it should be cut.
Will: You like that stat.
Josh: I do.
Will: Why?
Josh: Because 9 percent think it's too high and shouldn't be cut!! Nine percent of the respondents couldn't fully get their arms around the question.
I see your point, but the logic about the pipeline still makes me want to run into oncoming traffic. How can he be attacked for killing the pipeline, but also not taken seriously because the same critics don't think he can actually do anything about it…
ARGGGG!!!
OBS.
Obama Derangement Syndrom
FOX "News"
I also heard on the radio today that polling shows the majority of Americans think Obamacare is unConstitutional, but a majority of Americans want Obamacare to remain in effect. Now I admit I pretty much hit the math wall when I got to calculus, but it sure sounds like a majority of Americans hate our sacred, Jeebus-bestowed Constitution. And Bammers is the one who gets called a traitorous Kenyan soshulist?
Still more rational than the average teahadist.
What's going on? The electorate is dumber than a bag of doorknobs. Wash, rinse, repeat.
73% of all REAL Americans are working on their "Comment of the Day" submissions for tomorrow's Wonket. No time to make sense.
Maybe I'm just waaaaay too high for a Tuesday evening, but I have no idea what's going on.
Now there are balls dangling in front of my face. The cat wants out.
♫ Teabag the cat,
The wonderful, wonderful cat.
Whenever he should feel the call,
He reaches out with his bag of balls.
Teabag the cat,
The wonderful, wonderful cat.
You'll barf so much your sides will ache.
Your eyes will go rat-tat-a-tat,
Watching Teabag the wonderful cat. ♫
You.
I like you.
I like people like you who are
straight-forward.Ba-zing! Tip your waitress, try the veal.
"Rrrrrriiiiight – tee – Oooohh! Ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha! *RETCH*
Way to go, MrsBiggTime — it's the ideal salute to a pathetic and meaningless show, itself the pinnacle of a president whose greatest talent was standing on the x and reciting his lines.
Chota libel!
I had a roommate once who went to Chota. He was a total coke head.
In rtaliation for bing so mistratd by Wonttr godss Rbcca, I will no longr us the letter "e" in th rmaindr of my posts today.
But congratulations to MrsBiggtim. Sh dsrvs th honor.
OT Rachel is reporting breaking news that Newt is cutting his campaign staff by one third.
Oh no, he's getting divorced again?
I think they were down to just Newt, Callista and the jerk in the Elephant suit driving the bus.
Calista has to touch the Newt balls. Ewww.
He still has two thirds too many.
Seems we're shy one horse.
I thought the one staffer they had also had to double as Ellis the Elephant on the
Tiffany'selementary schoolbook tour'campaign stops'.When's he gonna do our eyes a favor and cut himself by one third?
Yeah, but he was also on TV today suggesting that the four remaining candidates have a primetime debate at the convention, perhaps in place of the keynote speech on opening night. Fucker still seems to think he can go to Tampa and impress about 800 delegates so much they will all switch to him.
Wait, is Tampa the plural of Tampon?
Um, even republicans know by now that newt is deranged.
That's some Republican jerb creatin'!
OT/ I just registered online for tomorrow's Jeopardy!® contestant app/ quiz/ audition?
I cannot even spell the game's name without getting the 'a' and the 'o' mixed up, furthermore I can recall woefully little trivia, or at least not consistently. YEAH JEAPORDY, Bring It On!1.
ETA: Congrats MsBiggTime on making TEH BIGG TIME, and with style~
What is spellcheck?
"You know who else" for $1600, Alex.
It's more like when I go to type it or when I'm texting someone. Inevitably I have to go back and swap vowels.
Speaking of swapping vowels — I was just fixing to message you RS
I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. Go ahead punky, make my night.
LOL, "Punk" was my nickname freshman year in college! Was I so drunk on sangria that I forgot I'd told you this? More to come~
I am good at that show.
Good luck, don't forget Weird Al. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSBrYty844Y
trampn, that means a lot. I've enjoyed your site, hope it's not blogwhoring to say that on someone's behalf, anyways I mean what I say. [Blog-pimping, maybe].
Not my blog. I just stumbled on it and thought I'd share.
Oh that's too bad. Points for the Weird Al link though~
Mumble, spelling doesn't count on the online version, trust me. I got picked, lol. Call me and Jeffer and I will take the quiz with you.
I'm partial to Annie's as a Michigander. With relatively low clearances, it is, indeed, difficult to drive two Cadillacs up a flight of stairs, side by side.
OK, how's this for a hypothetical response to a story about Lindsey Graham:
"Miss Lindsey has been putting on the pounds. I think she should stay away from the organ meats." Wokawoka.
If Wonkette is looking for filler, there's always the ol' photoshop contest.
This should do; pig: http://i.huffpost.com/gen/548334/thumbs/r-SANTORU…
Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Good turkey-gravy Jesus, there's no end to the pics in which Santorum looks dumb.
In this one, he needs some brown splotches on his nose & thumb.
Bring back Kortney!!!!
As a pubelick service…
Bollocks!
Seriously, though, the rest of us didn't stand a chance against that.
It's a matter of whim, timing, a-way-with-words and often brevity or such. Argh, who the fuck knows? Your honorable mention was well deserved!
Well, thank you, but I say the winner is really far out of my league. (esp her tits)
GRANT IS LEAVING T.A.P.S TOMORROW!
I can't believe it. What will happen to the Ghost Hunters? My life will be changed forever. Please don't leave Grant. PLEASE!
He's getting his own show. Leprechaun Hunters.
You shut it!
Think about what you're gonna do now, when you have a ghost running around in your house and and talking in your ears!
Well they'll just have to take a number and get in line because the voices in my head come first!
Can you hire a Squatch?
Well I hope they don't hire one of those International Ghost Hunters. They are terrible! The one chubby guy cries all the time. Ghost Hunters shouldn't cry on an investigation.
"Finish the fucking story! What … what about the Glands?"
– Raoul Duke
The other day I was reading in my primary source of true facts and information (other than teh Wikipedia), "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader", that when the girls were screaming so loud at Beatles' concerts that nobody could hear the words, John Lennon would sing, "I wanna hold your gla-a-a-a-a-and".
Ha, that's good! It's also the version I sing if the song comes on the radio. I get looks, sometimes.
O.K., but how is this good news for John McCain?
He's still breathing, and married to a very rich woman?
Cunt-woman, by his own account.
OT, I got an e-mail this morning from soshulist film-maker Robert Greenwald, with the title line, "[pdog] Do You Want to Beat the Koch Brothers?", but sadly, there was no way to reply, "Yeah, With a Crowbar", even if you bought the DVD he was pimpin'.
I've been spoiled by teh Wonkette.
You're stoned. I was just here a few hours ago. Admittedly though, I do short drive-bys and there are a lot more posts to wade through then there used to be. Still the sentiment is greatly appreciated.
Say, it's OT but here's a good one:
http://freebeacon.com/registered-dem-killed-trayv…
Freecon
BeaA!!Democraps: History's Greatest Monsters
Crap. 682 comments and not even an honorable mention. Oh well, back to workies!
At times like these, why can't we just revisit some of Wonkettes' greatest hits?
I nominate Orly Taitz's sex life. That was a really good one. The one where it was reported in court papers that she was "tighter and wetter than gals half her age."
Peace… God bless…
"At times like these, why can't we just revisit some of Wonkettes' greatest"
You must have misread the Editresse's intro. She says she resurrected the CoD because she[they] got bored. You're alluding to what we do when *we* get bored…
or I'll just speak for myself.
Congratulations on your rackognition, Missus!
Hey, yawl, exsqueeze, please the O/T and also, I hope I'm not violating any rules BUT did you know that Starbucks is getting a huge amount of flak from yet another ironically named right wing org (the Nat'l Organ. For Marriage, which naturally brings to mind one Rick Santorum, the Big Dick Hetero Marriage poster goy) because Starbucks, which is a company I generally avoid like the plague/Fox news (synonyms) has come out in support of marriage equality. Supposably 10,000 NOMs have pledged to boycott Starbucks. Now, I don't believe for a minute that most of these creatures would wake up to anything more bracing than a hot cup of fugly and have therefore never breached the foyer of a single store belonging to the most ubiquitous frickin retail entity on the planet. So probly not a huge hit in economic terms. Still, it's the principle. You can sign a "giant Thank You card"
at the following site (the goal is to reach 10 x more sigs than have been gathered by the Chromosome Impaired): http://pol.moveon.org/thankstarbucks/?id=38067-22…
Dub, I hate Starbucks. You could easier jump start your colon by drinking straight turpentine.
People travel for business and pleasure. Starbucks is pretty much your only choice when you are in an airport. Do you want to "make ploppies" before you get on that plane or wait until you get on that plane? I'd rather "make a stinky" at the airport I am leaving than to risk having to wait for the pilot give my colon permission.
PETA hasn't made a dent in McDonald's, McNugget abusers they are. If I bite into a McNugget and find a feather, I just find another one to dunk and get over it. Nine out of ten is better odds than you have at any casino in Vegas.
Life is short, the large intestine is large, hence the name. I take mine with a splash of cream, thank you!
Srsly, don't I know it. I always- but always-travel with my Bodum French press and muh coffee grinder. They're the first things I pack in my carry-on. Cream for me, too, please. With a bissel of cinnamon.
Your rumination about parastalsis and the dilemma re: to plop or not to plop pre-flight reminded me of this (I'm going to read it again, now, and I ga-rohn-TEE something's gonna get wet. Either my cheeks or my Underoos. Please, you, too- read it and weep-or peep): http://www.flightsfromhell.com/wp-content/uploads…
Heh. Originally the goal was to gather 100,000 signatures and they're almost at 300K.
When you want something done with a flourish, you turn to teh gays, amirite?
Suck down THOSE balls, NOMnuts.
I DEMAND A RECOUNT!
It's not over until Katherine Harris' gets two years on the hill.
Although there was considerable merit to "Bring me an iced tea, motherfucker," I believe you made the correct choice.
I dunno, the winning entry comes off as sorta kinda rape-y.
They were the ones eating the pie.
They got the blueberry pie all over their face!
Really, don't ever change.
He couldn't if he tried.
Rebecca:
I think it will be important, going forward, to try to eliminate some uncertainty in the Judging of our writings here. . I'm working up an analysis routine to properly quantify the relative Testicularity of future Wonkette posts.
I am basing my equaitions on Teslacle's Deviant to Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
It goes in, it must come out
I will keep you apprised of my progress.
Hey guys, some really good looks at the Cranes can be seen right now
http://www.rowesanctuary.org/crane%20cam.htm
They'll need one of those to take the house he built for her apart, much less to mend her heart or to help him start to see a world apart from pain.
I'm pro ball-gobbling. And I vote.
It's an honor just to be nominated. Also, balls.
If I could just put in a word for TruckNutz because of Traditions.
Balls
A GAY ROBOT WITH A MOHAWK COULD DO THIS JOB…
I will never understand your generation's humor.
This site sure has gotten raunchy since that lady took over.
Skål!
Prosit!
pantspantspants! (actually, I was kind of a lurker back then)
This is Shorts we're talking about. We have to chug a can of ANAL BLAST
True, but that was the style at the time.
I replied to your post about Palin and Ronnie at the Eureka, CA college. Plain gave a speech in CA and said that Ronnie went to the CA no IL college, LOL!
"True, but that was the style at the time."
I see what you did there.
I've had extensive training in Mammalian Protuberance Recognition.
Well, wonkette IS a mommy-blog now…
Cutting his staff? How did he find it – I thought he hadn't seen it in years?
I dunno…Newt's a floater. We may see him again.
As long as you are expecting logical, rational, consistent thought processes from the Amurrican Public, you will be in pain.
"As long as you are expecting logical, rational, consistent thought processes from the Amurrican Public and Republican Party, you will be in pain."
-fixed.
Mandalay Bay is, indeed, pretty amazing.
I know. I was just playing stoopit in return. It's only dinnertime here, and I'm bored without my Wonkette playmates, besides.
Hey, your P-ness is HUGE.
Superego would be a great name for a hamster. I don't know why.
Aw, who gives a shit about pee?
Because they're so tiny?
Not me, dood. When I first came here I asked everybody whatthehell this P thing was and how it works. I still have no fucking idea, but mine seems to have grown despite all my obnoxious snipy comments, so whatevs. I'm always impressed when it grows, tho. I think Jukesgrrl is secretly upfisting us all night, or sumpn.
I know many things. I have no idea what this is, though. Hopefully, you just called me something horribly insulting so I can use the term later.
Do you think I could get her to upfist my p-ness?
Dood, she seems to have Teh Majik Fingers. How could you lose?
Actually, yes, it IS horribly insulting — if you happen to belong to that culture. It means "without shame." Ever read Rushdie?
Outside the dome? I never get out of the boat!
Jezus, dood, I watched that movie with a vet friend of mine who was in the Marines (2 tours, the eejit) after we blew our minds out on some good blotter. I don't think I'll EVAH be able to watch anything from it again, EVAH.
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