Dear pilots and flight attendants, is there something you’re not telling us? First, just a couple of weeks ago, a flight attendant went stark, raving mad, screaming over the intercom that the plane was going to crash. Now comes breaking news about a pilot on a JetBlue flight who had to be locked out of his own cockpit by his copilot, and then spent the rest of the (soon-diverted) flight running up and down the aisles screaming about Afghanistan and Israel.
Laurie Dhue, a former Fox anchor, was on the flight and called in to talk to our lover, Shep Smith:
Dhue said, “The next thing we all knew, the pilot was running down the aisle screaming and pounding on the cockpit door.” According to Dhue, he was shouting, “Let me in! Let me in! Pull the throttle back. We’ve got to get this plane down, we’ve got to get this plane down!”
The two flight attendants at the front of the plane were able to prevent him from entering the cockpit, and Dhue said that shortly after several “huge” men came to the front, wrestled the captain to the ground and subdued him.
Dhue said that a fellow passenger and local authorities told her that the pilot was a war veteran who was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Dudes, is it Qaeda? You can tell us. It’s Qaeda, isn’t it. Are they determined to strike inside the US? WAS THERE A GREMLIN ON THE WING? Fucker better watch out. USA, USA, and etc! Let’s roll.
[Fox]
{ 212 comments }
If he was a passenger he would already be in Gitmo.
Did they have the chicken or the fish (that would be "chicken-flavored pretzels" or "fish-flavored pretzels")
The Al-Qaeda salad?
I blame the peanut allergy
Peanuts Mr. Bond?
I remember, I had the lasagna-flavored pretzels.
Combos? Must have been first class.
It's the pink slime.
Mr. Yasser dude, I'm the only one who gets your reference, my brotha–it's cool, I speak jive…
I had the pork shops on the med-side.
Ahem, I understood that reference as well.
You just really kind of blasted in here stepping on everyone's toes, huh?
Sorry man, I just knew that was a reference to the hilarious movie Airplane concerning whether people had the chicken or the fish.
I promise to consider using restraint in all future posts.
It wasn't that you knew the reference; it was that you stated as if it were fact that no one else did. Slow your roll.
Did it involve feces and the service cart?
Was Alec Baldwin on the flight?
former Fox anchor
Unpossible. That would be like being formerly retar– I mean, retreaded….
Not unpossible in the least. You see how fast they cycle out Fox "foxes"? As soon as they show any sign of visible aging, they're gone.
I can sympathize — the plane was headed to Vegas.
“Let me in! Let me in! Pull the throttle back. We’ve got to get this plane down, we’ve got to get this plane down!”
Dude, that's why the invented masturbation–so you would not get quite so desperate…
Yeah well it's difficult to masturbate after doing three lines of Colombian in the terlet, dood/ina.
Dude totally Romneyed his pants…is that why they call it "Shit Blue"?
This is why pilots should be allowed to carry guns during flights, right?
To shoot the other pilot, if necessary, like the old ICBM installation crews, right?
It would definitely have made for a *quieter* flight.
And shorter.
NRA libel!
I'm calling bullshit on this – no way is she a Fox anchor, with a name that sounds like "Laurie Jew"
It's spelled "Dhue" but it's pronounced "Blondie McWhiteBreadWaspy"
She's actually not TOO bad (for a blonde)…
Indeed – she may be a conservative animatronic sex-cyborg, but she's still a fine looking sex-cyborg.
Good grief.
This is exactly why the passengers should be allowed to carry firearms on planes. Stand Your Ground, sheeple!
JetBlue charged all the passengers $50 for changing their itineraries. And another $25 for the in-flight entertainment.
Was there a fee for changing their underwear?
Do you know who else freaked out on a flight?
Samuel L. Jackson?
Lynyrd Skynyrd?
Ricky Nelson?
Jim Croce?
Richie Valens? (Sorry Chill, Skynyrd reminded me of these)
Skynyrd reminds me of everything I hate about music and people in the south.
Clearly, you played in a bar band.
Aaliyah? John Denver? Patsy Kline? Otis Redding?
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, we've covered them all….
Buddy Holly? Big Bopper?
(rock plane tragedy trifecta now in play)
Freebird!
Gérard Depardieu?
John McCain?
Many times.
Rudolph Hess?
6 Degrees Of Hitler!
Newt "Rosa Parks" Gingrich?
Nice.
Yosemite Sam?
Nancy Raygun?
Gaylord Fokker?
Alec Baldwin? (h/t nv911)
John Denver?
Yossarian?
Help him! Help the bombardier!
Help him.
"I AM the bombardier!"
That prisoner in "Con Air"?
Beavis and Butthead?
That stupid fucking brat of a toddler in the seat behind me on a recent trip?
Snakes?
The entire casts of Final Destinations 1 through 46?
Dave Buznik?
Major Kong?
Slim Pickens?
Jonathan Lithgow?
OK, this is where I draw the line – there was only one actor who played a guy seeing gremlins on the wing, and that was William Shatner.
Any claims to the contrary are fabrications by the Democrat-Media Complex.
[No slight intended to Lithgow, whose performance as Dr. Emilio Lizardo was so unjustly overlooked at Oscar™ time.]
ugh please don't remind me buckaroo bonzai exists. thank you.
… *shocked gasp*
You and I are going to tangle, boy.
I concur. I posted Lithgow to see if anyone would take umbrage.
Erica Jong?
…who coined the term, "Zipless Flight — I mean, F___"?
She had that "Fear of Flying" thing down cold.
Étienne Montgolfier?
Me, after seeing a guy in the row in front of me join the Mile High Club all by himself?
Carole Lombard?
Too soon.
That band in Almost Famous, Stillwater.
Easily the best scene in the movie.
"I'M GAY!!!"
Icarus?
Too soon!!
Marcel Duchamp?
I'm guessing that by "flight" you mean "flight of stairs". Which makes this one of my favorite comments of all time.
BINGO!
Oh, you've stirred up a bee's nest! now!
You're incorrigible is what you are.
Anyway, thanks for noticing, Chichikovovich. I earned a whopping +4 for that one, and two of them were you and Owls. Usually an endorsement from you would be worth at least +15.
Pfft. Kids today.
Yeah, it's a sad commentary on the youth of today. Even the normally reliable crowd-pleaser of a full-frontal nekkid chick wasn't enough to keep them from rushing off to the Hot New Post. And she's even got really big boobs too.At least, I think those are boobs. They could be her shoulders. Or her ears….—
Snoopy?
He kept screaming "Let's Roll!"
WHAT ARE THEY SPRAYING????????!!!!!!!!!!
I thought two was a pattern and three was trend.
One if it lands.
Two if you see.
Lauri Dhue? Ah, memories…the Murdoch/Ailes Bimbette par excellence. Now what the fuck happened again?
Ah, another dead-eyed blonde Foxatron clone – is that pic a still from her casting couch audition tape? No wonder they hired her.
Bet she went looking for a drink or three once that plane landed.
Oh, Lauri!!
Mr. Fatale looooooves him some Lauri Dhue!
Since she has been on the"forbidden network," he has missed out.
But now…
This pilot will no longer be up in the air. Bristol's legs, however, will be.
See, this pilot was too stressed out and snapped; that's what we get for no longer letting them have a shot of whiskey or five before taking off.
Or at least a blow job from a hot stew.
Or Stu. I don't want to be sexist.
Where is Nancy Reagan when you really need her (however, more like cold water than hot stew)?
Like this guy?
You're probably kidding, which is a pity.
"I should be groping those passengers, not the TSA, dammit"
Better than the in-flight movie of Billy Madison. But then again a kick to the groin is better than Adam Sandler films.
I disagree. What about You Don't Mess With The Zoh…..
Yeah, you're right.
True story: many years ago I was on a cross-country flight where the movie was supposed to be "Without Limits," the inspiring true story of Steve Prefontaine, and by far the better of the two biopics of his life that came out in the late nineties. But there was a problem with the movie, so a flight attendant got on the intercom to announce that they would instead show the back-up movie, "The Avengers" – not the cool Avengers, obviously, but the movie version about weird British secret agents, starring Ralph Fiennes, Uma, Sean Connery, and a bunch of furries. This being an L.A.-bound flight, there were enough entertainment-industry-related people that an audible groan went up, followed by much snickering. I did not see one person buy a headset. Compared to that, I would have welcomed Billy Madison.
I'm going to have to defend Little Nicky until my dying breath. You simply cannot criticize a movie that features Henry Winkler covered in bees.
They are letting war veterans with PTSD fly commercial air liners? Never. Flying. Again.
You make a great point. With so many pilots ex-military, and that being such a stressful job and all, working around this problem could be a toughie.
Meh. My cousin (former USMC chopper pilot) says flying commercial (he's with Delta now) is much more boring than stressful. The only thing that makes it stressful at all are weather and equipment delays. Other that, the thing even mildly interesting is takeoffs and landings.
Well, you know, it's pretty much the takeoffs and landings that are interesting to the passengers, also, too.
I was going to say This. Exact. Thing.
The pilot's name was Ted Striker.
I guess the foot's on the other hand now, Kramer!
I guess we're lucky… it could have been Staff Sgt. Robert Bales.
Or Pete "Dead Meat" Thompson…
Or George Zipp.
Poor guy never got over Macho Grande.
Those wounds run pretty deep.
…and then there's his drinking problem.
Captain Over??…Roger??….
I go beserk at my job at least twice a week. What's the big fuckin deal?
You deliver my mail?
You're Kim Richards aren't you?
I knew it!
You're not piloting a huge metal tube packed with human beings being shot through the air at hundreds of miles per hour. lol
The pilot was upset because he heard Dick Cheney received a human heart.
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
And this is why I fly drunk.
Best header picture ever.
Bless his heart, but someone needs to tell Shep that the whole Skeletor look really isn't working for him.
What has he done to himself? Is it just weight-loss or has he been on a bender?
"Bless his
hearthead…"Fixed.
Was he muttering something about motherfucking snakes?
Could of been worse. He could of grabbed a couple of Bud Lights from the beer cart and opened the emergency exit door.
Heineken or GTFO!
Heineken?! Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!
Fuckin hipster
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, D.B. Cooper…
That's only how they do it when they *want* to quit their job.
Could have, for fuck's sake, not could of.
You cannot be a GOPCrusher, if you write like a GOPRetard.
Sorry. Pet peeve of mine.
Sometimes you just gotta go a bit crazy to regain your sanity.
But, I do not recommend it at 20,000 feet unless you've got Uma Thurman strapped to your front and a parachute strapped on your back.
Aha! This is Obama's fault for starting the current 11+-year war, and insisting on all this job-killing heavy-handed FAA overregulation!
Gingrich/Santorum 2012!!
"Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up my antipsychosis meds
Surely you jest!
Don't call me Shirley.
Nice beaver!
"You ever been in the inside of a Turkish prison?"
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
The happy Roman? Wasn't that in Deerhunter?
Give me Hamm on White, hold the Mayo.
The actor that plays House is everywhere.
"His Highness" gets around…
"Heyy, Shepherd…", C'mon, you can tell us – it was you, wasn't it, Laurie- you pushed him over the edge, you and the "deadhead" co-pilot"….you were just talking, and talking, and….
I'm guessing it was due to Obamacare.
Holy crap. This story gets even worse. The plane was diverted to Amarillo, TX.
And most likely when they got there, all the airport concessions were closed, the cabs had gone home for the day, and the other airline serving A'rillo had shut down its gates for the day
No, worse. They were met by Texas law enforcement and each passenger was questioned individually and had to sign a statement. They'll probably all get the death penalty.
OH, THE HUMANITY!
I lived for five years in Amarillo and he'll probably fit right in. Possibly a worse place would be Lubbock, where I spent only 18 months. The only liquor stores in Lubbock are outside the city limits to the south. Amarillo has a liquor store on every other block.
I was on a Felcher Airlines Cleveland Steamer flight from San Francisco to Las Vegas last week, and two of the flight attendants, who looked like Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin (moonlighting?), took off all of their clothes, poured Fresca all over themselves, and started nude wrestling in the middle of the aisle–and no one did anything! The flight landed in Las Vegas without any problems. I have it all on video.
Was the in flight meal Eggs, Danny Thomas Style?
Worst stewardess fantasy ever.
Somebody should have Tased her. I mean, him.
The deadhead co-pilot was immediately recognizable by his bag of shrooms, large spliff, blottered tongue and tie-dye.
But he had on the requisite flag tie, amirite?
USA! USA! USA!
OT – but here's some news from my adopted home state:
http://www.mpbn.net/Home/tabid/36/ctl/ViewItem/mi…
And, to add the icing to the cake, this…
One of the directors of NOM was backing off on these comments saying that it was part of a larger memo that encouraged NOM members to "go outside their comfort zone and talk with blacks and Hispanics"
Really NOM? You have to extend your comfort zone so you are able to talk with people of a darker hue than you and your constituency?
Stay classy.
Then he started ranting to the co-pilot, "You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar!"
"My Dad says you're lazy!"
LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes
How economy class passengers can survive more than an hour on a commercial flight today without doing the same thing is utterly beyond me.
Of course, this wouldn't be a problem if everyone on airplanes were carrying guns and hoodies were banned on flights.
Wow, all I got on my last flight was a really bad copy of Avatar to watch. I didn't know they were doing live theater.
I'll go with this having something to do with 2 wetsuits and a dildo.
http://www.bay-of-fundie.com/archives/242/one-dil…
After I read: "Dead Reverend’s Rubber Fetish", I said to myself "Probably was a Baptist," and wouldn't ya just know it….
But was it a remote-controlled pink dildo?
That's why they call it a "cock" pit. You can't let chicks drive.
They'll be stopping to ask for directions all the time…
If women were supposed to be pilots, it'd be called a "box office."
Be careful you two. Editrix might take away your blogging privileges because you are being dicks.
That's sexist!
Or maybe a cock block.
What is Rush Limbaugh doing on the wing of that airplane in the pic?
"Mr Bond, they have a saying in Chicago: 'Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action.'"
~ Auric Goldfinger
No I said “ill be back with something from the kitchen in a smidgen” – not “theres a chicken in the engine”
I don't know, guys, but sitting there, tapping on my iPad when the captain comes out and goes bat-shit crazy. That has the scare factor that the skydive scene that was in the great, 1990s movie, "Point Break".
The ex-presidents are surfers.
"the pilot was running down the aisle screaming . . ."
This is why I prefer a window seat.
Less incoherent spittle
Some people will do anything for a little attention…..Jeesh!
If this plane was flying over Florida, who would have the right to stand his or her ground in this scenario?
Gremlins from the Kremlin?
Are airline employees the "disgruntled postal workers" of the 2010s? I guess most postal workers are just glad there's still a post office (unless theirs was closed) – sad. PO employees were disgruntled but I guess airline employees are bipolar or stressed beyond their breaking point. Sign of the times?
Poor Johnny McCain!
You mean a cover band? Nope, I play originals…no "Freebird" requests as of yet…
Wait a few weeks…
Do Whippin' Post. Apologies to Frank Zappa.
I was asked once why I didn't play solos, though…
I was asked to play solo, so-lo they couldn't hear me.
Heard Dweezil play it with the ZPZ band. He said Frank used to go back and forth on playing it then said, "Fuck it! Whipping Post!" and off they went.
Amelia Earhart?
Silly liberal. Bees can't fly.
Thanks – I just had it stuffed.
There are a whole lot of sexy Italians who would beg to disagree.
Even Donner Froh's should-have-been-award-winning comment only got +4. New Totally Libelous Theory — the admins retain control of a secret "downfist" button with which they can suppress the will of the people.
Ay, yi! No me gusta!
Look out! Incoming drones!!
We'll have to let Bee Larry King have the last word.
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