great moments in journalism

Breitbart’s Ghost: Weiner’s Wiener Was More Important Than (Limited) Time With My Children

WienerThat’s sad, you guys: Ghost Andrew Breitbart is out with a new book (coming soooooon!) about Anthony Weiner’s wiener, and it is all about how he totally ignored his kids because of the IMPORTANT WORK daddy had to do … in chasing a story about Anthony Weiner’s underweared junk. Sure, he bagged a feared lib Congressman, but knowing then what he knows now about life’s precious shortness and stuff, well, it seems like maybe he should have chosen differently. If only he had watched that kinda good (don’t tell anyone) Adam Sandler movie (Blink? Click? Something) or listened to that Harry Chapin song! Gonna have a good time then, Dad! You know we’ll have a good time then! Sadly, no.

Here is an excerpt, courtesy of winner of the Internet Politico, of Ghost Breitbart’s posthumous book, Whhoooooooo:

The next twenty-four hours — even though it was Saturday of a Memorial Day weekend — were going to be critical. We knew that the organized left was going to wage war, and by the time I woke up the next day, after launching the story, I realized that the Democrat-Media Complex was playing for keeps. … In my own home, I was trying to tell my wife why I was singularly focused, and why this was not going to be an ordinary Memorial Day weekend. Susie asked if we could still travel to Palm Springs. Not wanting to disappoint everyone, I made hopeful assurances that the story would not interfere with family fun. The two-and-a-half hour drive on Sunday foretold the essence of the vacation: that’s your daddy’s body, but he is not here with us.”

“There were two low points in Palm Springs that spoke to how much pressure was building up. One was when someone on Twitter — a Hollywood producer, I would later find out — apparently saw me walking through the resort, talking frantically on the phone. He tweeted something to the effect of ‘Hey Breitbart, listen to your kids and get off the phone!’ I reflexively re-tweeted that ‘attack’ — my way of dismissing its effectiveness — but he hit me dead-on.”

Jeez, Politico. Way to kick a man when he’s … never mind. In other news, Drudge spelled Breitbart’s name wrong on his site today. No respect.


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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          1. Barb

            GreatChristino, penises are nice. Kinda hard to get the reserved parking spaces at the Abortionplex without them.

          2. GreatChristiano

            Barb – Was the movie Ben Hur the one when they showed the 2 thrown spears 'doing-ing' on the wall together? Who knows what I'm talking about?

      1. prommie

        If only Nancy were younger, she'd be the perfect choice to play Linda Lovelace in the movie.

  1. Fukui-sanYesOta

    We knew that the organized left was going to wage war, and by the time I woke up the next day, after launching the story, I realized that the Democrat-Media Complex was playing for keeps

    The chap was delusional. Is the book called "Little Boozy Breitbart Takes On The Dragon In His Mind"?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I have to admit that I find "the Democrat-Media Complex", as a phrase, to be both underwhelming and somehow syntactically off.

      Also, stupid, because while members of the mainstream media may trend towards liberalism, it's not like they have the balls to actually ACT like radical leftists and challenge these rightwing fuckwads and the lies they spin.

    2. memzilla

      The most delusional part is "organized left."

      As Will Rogers said: "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."

    3. GOPCrusher

      O/T but some of the pictures coming from the Tea Bagger Rally outside the Supreme Court show Baggers carrying pictures of Andrew Breitbart, as if he's now become some kind of fucking political martyr.

    1. sullivanst

      But the R's did take Weiner's seat in the special.

      Not that the seat survived redistricting, of course. The court's approved plan carves a heavily D-leaning seat into three parts: an even-more-heavily D-leaning seat and two completely safe D seats. Bye bye Bob Turner.

      Also, too: I'm overjoyed that my home will no longer be in the same Congressional District as Seaford (home of Congress' second most disgusting person named King, and it's a close race, but Pete is no Steve). Instead, it looks like Steve Israel will be my guy. I'm very happy about that. Pete has a tough road ahead – whereas the old CD3 went McCain 52-47, his new district preferred Obama 51-47 – if we're lucky it'll be tough enough he'll retire, if we're really lucky he'll lose horribly in November muahahaha.

  2. MissTaken

    Wait a second! Who the hell goes to Palm Springs for Memorial Day?? What, 110 degrees Fahrenheit not hot enough for you?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I have to admit that this is something that I would happily do. 110F is just bordering on warm enough.

      1. MissTaken

        Eek! I went to Coachella a couple years ago which is in April and by 11 am it was already 100°. I'm a California native and that was going too far for me.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          I'm a California native, but originally from Santa Cruz (and now in Seattle), so “warmth” is one of those things that is a rather vague concept for me. I like the idea, though.

    2. SorosBot

      110 degrees? Ugh; and you Californians think we're silly for putting up with the snow. At least 100 is about the highest it ever gets here (and that's seriously oppressively boiling).

      1. MissTaken

        At least it's a dry heat. All you need is a shade tree and a cold beer and 100° is remarkably bearable.

          1. Crank_Tango

            Having worked outside in Buffalo for ten years, I have always said I preferred snowing to 40 degrees and raining. But just to be safe I moved out west anyway.

        1. SorosBot

          But then you've also got to deal with that weird dry air, like the kind that normally only occurs on cold winter days, which destroys my sensitive skin. I'd be itching like a maniac.

          1. actor212

            Having survived both climates– the winters in the Northeast (and the humid summers) and the summers of SoCal– I have to say I've never had to shovel sunshine off my sidewalk to get to the train…

          2. GOPCrusher

            No. But at least outside of SoCal, no one loses their mind when they get behind the wheel when it's raining.

      2. Callyson

        Well, some of us have higher heat tolerance than cold tolerance. I'd rather deal with 90 degrees than 30 degrees for a high temperature, myself.

        1. mayor_quimby

          I agree, my balls can sweat, but they sure as hell can't generate heat while waiting for a bus in the cold.
          What was this thread about again?? Funny how we would all rather talk about the weather than whatshisface.
          So anyhoo, the pollen count here was 9.000 in ATL the other day! WTF??

  3. MissTaken

    Andrew Breitbart – the first person in recorded to history to say on his deathbed, "I DO wish I spent more time at the office".

  4. Serolf_Divad

    I hate to admit to having something in common with Drudge, but I too have a hard time remembering how you spell the guy's name. Is it: d-o-u-c-h-e-b-a-g or is it: f-u-c-k-w-a-d?

  5. Mahousu

    In my own home, I was trying to tell my wife why I was singularly focused …

    "It's penises, honey! Don't you understand? Penises! Big ones!!"

    I got out the tape measure.

    Finally, she got it.

  6. bureaucrap

    Well, it's nice to know that his parenting skills have virtually guaranteed that his kids will be Democrats, just to spite his memory.

    1. Judith_Priest

      Interestingly enough, HE is a right-winger because HE's all grumpy at the nice wealthy Jewish liberals who adopted him as an infant.

      It's very much a "parent issues" thing with him.

      1. Crank_Tango

        I bet they wish they left him in the dumpster they found him in.

        "Put it back. It doesn't belong to you."
        Frank Reynolds

  7. mrpuma2u

    You see my yellow journal blog's a hassle and the liberal media is giving me heart a condition,
    but it was sure nice posting some lies, guys, it was sure nice blogging some falsehoods.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      And the Rat's in the grave now
      And Nate Silver's screwed
      Santorum blew and the Newt's on the Moon

      When you loggin' off, Dad? I don't know when
      Cause someone's still wrong on the net, son, you know I gotta downfist them….

  8. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Heh–Couple weeks ago when the the ex was headed out of town for an academic conference, Kid Zoom started singing to her, "When you comin' home, Mom? I don't know when, but we'll get together then…" In between giggling fits, she almost brained the boy with her laptop case.

  9. ph7

    Three years ago, I was mostly a behind-the-scenes guy who linked to stuff on a very popular website. I always wondered what it would be like to enter the public realm to fight for what I believe in. I’ve lost friends, perhaps dozens. But I’ve gained hundreds, thousands — who knows? — of allies. At the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror, and I sleep very well at night.”

    Sweet dreams!

    1. Barb

      He thought he'd be composing now on his website. Turns out, he's just decomposing. Same stench.

  10. memzilla

    So when Breitbart was alive, he chases Weiner, and his Palm Springs?

    Needs moar tissues on the tombstone.

  11. actor212

    that’s your daddy’s body, but he is not here with us

    "And this is your uncle Ron Jeremy, and now you kids go play in some traffic for an hour…no, make it three…."

  12. LettucePrey

    Alas, poor Breitbart! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; he hath borne GOP desparation on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! Weiner's gorge rises at it. Here hung those Twitter photos that I have mocked I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now?

    1. GreatChristiano


      Love the pun on "hung."

      I believe it all ended with the hero wanting his story to be told, ya?

    2. Generation[redacted]

      A fellow of excellent phallicy, who hath borne GOP desparation bareback a thousand times? Am I misreading that?

    1. el_donaldo

      Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.

    2. FROTHY

      Funny you should say that. Our Mother often longed to stay home and "spend time with the children." And we all prayed that we'd be grown and gone before that miserable day came to pass.

  13. Tundra Grifter

    "Not wanting to disappoint everyone, I made hopeful assurances that the story would not interfere with family fun."

    In other words, I knew it was a total lie before I said it, but I said it anyway.

    Not much difference than his "journalism." And the work of that pathetic little punk James O'keefe.

    And, just for the fun of it, Sludge spells his name wrong. Nothing like giving a dead guy The Finger.

  14. mrblifil

    At least he and Kenneth Gladney are enjoying their laughs together in eternity. Oh right Kenneth Gladney will probably suffer along in a fake neck brace for another few decades or so before finally joining Ghost Breitbart in the flaming halls of eternal justice and righteousness. And I do mean flaming.

    Hey who wants to make odds on Breitbart's autopsy results preceding the release of Trayvon Martin's autopsy results? Good times!

      1. mrblifil

        It's only a matter of time. Certainly his "victim of union thugs" persona died with Breitbart's last constricted breath. Now he's back to being just some schmuck.

  15. LiberalMantra

    Look for a new collection of rants (ghost-written by Ann Coulter) to be released on a semi-annual basis ala L. Ron Hubbard.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      So long as they're posthumous, I'm OK with that.
      Post-humus is even better, but that takes time.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Holy crap — the excerpt starts with "I began multitasking, refreshing my Twitter stream on my iPad."

    If I didn't know the guy, I'd hate him horribly just for that sentence. I'm glad he's dead — it'll make pissing on his grave a great deal easier.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Have YOU ever refreshed your Twitter pad on your iStream, Wookies? Maybe you're just not tech savvy enough, did you ever think of that?

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I'll bet I have — but I was just too busy yelling random tech phrases to notice that I was multitasking, refreshing my twitter stream on my — oh fuck it.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          See, fucking is what got us all into this mess to begin with. Well, dick pics, meant to lead to fucking.

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      We were just outside of Palm Springs, on the edge of the desert, when the 3G signal began to lose hold…

  17. SorosBot

    I wonder if seeing how much larger Wiener's wiener was than his little drunk micro-cock helped contribute to the douchebag's heart problems. Along with from the alcoholism and the rage that is.

  18. edgydrifter

    Destroying someone's life was more important than spending time with his own family. I'm really, really having a hard time not feeling good about Breitbart's passing.

  19. Judith_Priest

    In the local LA Times coverage of Breitbart's collapse, I discovered:

    – Post CPAC, while his wife & folks were relaxing at home after dinner, Breitbart was taking his habitual stroll down to the Local to scream at strangers about politics

    – He only lived 4 miles from me! Had I known which bar he frequented, I could have come argued politics with him right in his spittle-faced bright-red exophthalmic face! But now, alas, it can never be.

  20. gullywompr

    I hate to recycle, but it's just too easy:

    "Brietbart really thought he had the dirt on Weiner, but in the end, the dirt was all on him."

    I donate this joke to the public commons, please redistribute liberally.

  21. mrblifil

    Actually Harry Chapin met a similarly ignominious fate, suffering sudden heart failure while driving on the Long Island Expressway. He lived in my old home town, and it was a dark week when he died. And like Breitbart, he left behind a body of beloved work with a singular focus on the value of the individual. Wait sorry, Breitbart left behind a legacy of flaming bags of poo. So except for the massive heart failure with no warning, not much else in common.

    "And now Weiner's fathered a baby
    inside his handsome home
    And me I bought it on a sidewalk
    from chasing dicks, and getting boned"

    1. actor212

      Chapin has a highway and a school named after him.

      With luck, Breitbart might get a particularly painful and perverse sexual position named in his "honor"

      1. SorosBot

        Or something simpler that fits him – hm, I don't think there's a specific term for a dick that won't get hard because you're too drunk to get it up.

      2. mrblifil

        Yeah whatever it's called when the hobo you paid $20 to blow has a dick so putrid and foul you begin projectile vomiting on the curb. That right there is what you call "pulling a Breitbart."

  22. barto

    "the Democrat-Media Complex was playing for keeps"

    This is rather unusual for the Democrat-Media Complex, I would say. Normally, we are just toying with the Koch-Sucking-Puppet Army. But, as you can see, there were tragic consequences this time with the way-too-early demise of Mr. Breitbart. What are we to do for fun now? JOK? Please…

  23. el_donaldo

    Papa Breitbart's dead and gone
    With no one left to carry on.
    All his blogs are staffed with putz,
    And his children hated his guts.

  24. prommie

    So often paranoia is combined with a grandiose sense of self-importance. It only makes sense, the delusion is thinking you are so important that people would bother to conspire against you.

  25. Guppy

    Breitbart abandoned his own family in his effort to make sure Weiner would spend more time with his.

  26. clblabin

    Goddamn it, now he's got a book coming out? Please don't tell me we're in for a Tupac-type situation, with new Breitbart releases coming out all the time over the next 10 years. Can we not leave this man to rest in peace, wherever he is? (Hell. Hell is where he is.)

  27. docterry6973

    When I think of Breitbart's passing, and always recall his own words, describing Ted Kennedy on the day of Kennedy's death.

    He was a villian, a big ass motherf****r, a duplicitous bastard, a prick, and a special pile of human excrement.

    So fitting that Breitbart's own poetry supplies his own best eulogy.

  28. owhatever

    Never do I speak ill of the deceased.

    Poor Andy's dead. Poor Andy lies dead. His fingernails ain't never looked so clean.

  29. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "I realized that the Democrat-Media Complex was playing for keeps."

    But failed to realize he was paranoid-delusional.

  30. BlueStateLibel

    One must make sacrifices in life for the important things. (Is it too early for me to say he died for a noble cause?)

  31. Goonemeritus

    The most fitting epitaph for this self described journalist is that his most devoted fans didn’t even believe his obituary without confirmation from another site.

    1. actor212

      In their defense, Breitbart's site would have been Ground Zero for a hack, and when I first saw their item flash across the Memeorandum feed, I wanted a confirm too.

  32. elviouslyqueer

    Quoth Bumfart: It took about ten seconds for me to get it, at which point I had a mild ‘Eureka’ moment: Aha! I know exactly what that is! …

    I call such bullshit. By about 9.75 seconds too much bullshit.

  33. valthemus

    I have a fabulously snarky comment about the woman (or whatever) that would marry such a Breitbartian thing, but until we learn that she's as big a dink as her sack of a husband, I shall pretend I'm a gentleman and hold it in reserve.

  34. poorgradstudent

    Honestly I can’t blame Breitbart. After all, Weiner was his one “journalistic” victory that didn’t require an epic amount of lying and misrepresentation.

  35. MadBrahms

    I don't say this about people very often, but he would've been better off ignoring his kids for World of Warcraft.

    (Nerd joke: he would have played a Troll)

    1. natoslug

      Early spring here just means we've switched from winter rains to spring rains. I look forward to the early summer rains, as that means the 3 dry months are just around the corner!

  36. Chet Kincaid

    "In my own home, I was trying to tell my wife why I was singularly focused, and why this was not going to be an ordinary Memorial Day weekend."

    Yeah, if he was going to obsess about underpants dick all weekend, he had no choice but to come out to his wife.

  37. poorgradstudent

    Honestly I can't blame Breitbart. After all this was his one "journalistic" victory that wasn't based on epic amounts of lying and misrepresentation.

  38. Wile E. Quixote

    Yeah, nothing says "conservative family values" like ignoring your wife and children so you can spend time obsessing over another man's penis.

  39. DahBoner

    How are these guys going to win future subcontracts with the Taliban to rape girls who dare leave the house to go to school, without their charismatic, fat, gay leader???

  40. ttommyunger

    Say anything you want about him, spell his name any way you like, so long as he stays fucking dead.

  41. George Spelvin

    Aside from my now-cooling hatred for Breitbart (cooling only because he is too), I have to say, as a single father who will die regretting that I had to spend so much of my sons' childhood earning a living, and as a fan who generally thinks Harry Chapin was the shit, that I fucking hate "Cat's in the Cradle".

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