i am ze locksmith of love

Known French Person Dominique Strauss-Kahn Just Cannot Stay Out of Sex-Crimes Jail

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Free muffFormer IMF chief and man who did not win the French presidency Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been charged with “aggravated pimping,” because of course he was.

DSK, as he is known, had been the frontrunner to win the presidency, when his campaign was derailed by an arrest for super-raping a New York hotel maid. This caused many French people to be horrified that important people were not treated with proper Respect. At the time, another French women came forward to say he had tried to rape her as well. (The New York case was dismissed when police realized that only perfect virgins can be raped.)

The prostitution probe, nicknamed the “Carlton Affair” by the French press, kicked off in October.

It centers around the city of Lille, where investigators began looking into claims that luxury hotels, including the Carlton, served as a base for a high-profile prostitution network.

In December, Strauss-Kahn’s attorney, Henri Leclerc, acknowledged in an interview with radio station Europe1 that his client attended sex parties, but said Strauss-Kahn was unaware the women in attendance were prostitutes.

Of course he was unaware the women were prostitutes. DSK is balls-deep in free muff 23-6. (He takes off the Lord’s Day, for his wife.)


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • docterry6973

    How does he ever find the time?

    • LiveToServeYa

      The French have these concepts named 'Time off' and 'Free time', concepts unheard of in America.

  • Not_So_Much

    Are you sure this isn't Berlusconi? All them european-type furriners kinda sound alike.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I think Berlusconi is really upfront about his needs. Like, cash upfront.

    • Serolf_Divad

      No, not Berlusconi. Reports indicate that in this case all the prostitutes in question had reached puberty.

    • dadanarchist

      Needs moar bunga bunga

    • Isyaignert

      Mistresses are de rigour in Europeland. They think we're nutz, especially after the Monica Lewinski/Bill Clinton thingy of yesteryear.

      • Terry

        Raping maids and participating in sex parties seems to be too much to over look, at least for some of the Europeans.

        • Isyaignert

          I hope the entire truth comes out about DSK – I always felt he got away with this attack on the maid in NYC.

          • Terry

            It comes down to Occam's Razor.

            Either you believe that DSK raped a maid and has a history of this sort of behavior….


            …or you believe that there is a massive conspiracy against him that involves recruiting numerous women to entrap him in multiple cities and countries.

    • Terry

      Except Cameron. He won't be caught in a sex scandal like this. The man probably volunteered to run the slide projector in his primary school class.

  • Me_K_Cong

    OT: I sure wish you would give us an opportunity to snark on Trayvon having been caught at school with weed and the implication that this makes him shootable.

  • Boojum


    • littlebigdaddy


    • Callyson

      DSK = ED

    • SexySmurf


    • Negropolis

      Someone get this person a chalkboard, stat!

  • Chichikovovich

    I hate to rain on anyone's parade, but I'm sure this story is wrong. As anyone who's been to Lille can tell you, it simply beyond belief that there could be luxury hotels there.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Haha, I had exactly the same reaction.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Luxury is relative. In this case it means that the sheets are changed every third time a guest brings a prostitute to his room, rather than just weekly.

    • Negropolis


      Poor Lille. It's an overgrown piss/train stop. Essentially.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Skunk libel!

    • GreatChristiano

      Innocent New York hotel maid libel! –"This caused many French people to be horrified that important people were not treated with proper Respect."

  • hagajim

    DSK = Dirty Stinking Kocksucker. Actually I imagine a number of Frenchies have no real issue here….I mean they just legalized the bawdy houses in Canadia.

    • Chichikovovich

      Really? O tempura o morays, I guess, but "CCC 210(1) Keeping a Common Bawdy House" was always my favorite law in my (police officer) grandfather's copy of the Criminal Code of Canada.

      • Boojum

        Moray tempura…mmmm….

    • Crank_Tango

      Sorry I can't hear you, I am on a flight to canada city.

      • tcaalaw

        I call shotgun!

  • Serolf_Divad

    Don't be a playa hatah, Rebecca, you see a pimp's love is different from a square's.

    • extreme_left

      thats Double D SK to you Rebecca

  • littlebigdaddy

    Do DSK and Newtie ever party together?

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      OK, that made me feel very ill indeed. I'm going to start drinking early.

      • littlebigdaddy

        Glad to be of service. Have a sake for me.

    • Guppy

      And, more importantly, did they "cross swords?"

      • Nostrildamus

        Whatever you do, don't cross the streams!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    See, he's not a rapist — he just hires prostitutes without knowing he's hired them. It's just smart business to keep the evil financier Strauss-Kahn from knowing what the evil sex fiend Strauss-Kahn is doing. So he just assumes every woman he meets is a prostitute he's paid to be available.

    • GreatChristiano

      Under Obamacare, all of this will be provided for all of us, right?

      • Callyson

        I hope the lawyers arguing for its constitutionality remember to bring that up in oral arguments. Justice Thomas FTW!

    • Callyson

      Prostitute? Why, no, the lady was just down on her luck and I gave her a bit of help. She was *very* thankful…

    • Guppy

      He did not not know that the maid was not a prostitute!

      • GreatChristiano

        Yes, but she should have known to just offer her stuff up ("important people [should be] treated with proper Respect"…

  • gout

    Say hello to the new spokesman for Belvedere vodka.

  • Antispandex

    If that's a real picture of him, this was an easy accusation. Of COURSE he has to pay for it!

  • GreatChristiano

    Well, yeah, but can you still call it "muff" if'n its all shaved up???

    Ask the rabbi that…

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I don't think European women shave much of anything.

      • SorosBot

        That's not really true any more.

        • Texan_Bulldog

          I just remember the German wives that soldiers would bring back hanging out at the base pools. They were a hairy lot. Of course, that's been awhile ago–maybe they discovered that armpit hair long enough to braid isn't really that sexy.

          • GreatChristiano

            Hey some of us guys love that!

          • SorosBot

            In France at least, the old hairy legs and armpits stereotype was definitely not true.

  • alzronnie

    Perhaps Cheney can offer him some tips on how to get a heart.

    • Boojum

      "Cutting through the ribs is the real issue…"

  • nounverb911

    Was he affected by Megan Draper's lap dance last night?

    • Biff

      I sure was, and I don't even speak French!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Nor are you a Communist?

        (The actress portraying Mrs Whitman-Draper v2.0 was the love interest in Jay Baruchel's (!) "The Trotsky", is what I mean.)

        • Crank_Tango

          I saw a screen grab of her topless today, from whatever, who knows, the boobies were top notch tho.

          • GreatChristiano

            Thank God 'cause we demand top-notch boobies.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Must be a Socialist. No rentboys are involved.

  • Barb

    Ugh, cheese-eating surrender monkey sex makes me feel oogie.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    New spin on ♪♫ Froggy went a' courtin' he did ride, uh huh, uh huh…♫♪

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Rape means never having to pay a whore!

  • Callyson

    Those poor women who had to service DSK…only one thing to say…
    She works hard for the money
    so hard for it honey
    she works hard for the money
    so you better treat her right http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09ZSKE38lTU

  • Texan_Bulldog

    This is just shocking! Shocking, I tell you. (At least he's paying for it instead of forcing hotel maids to give him blow jobs–maybe he learned his lesson the hard way on that one.)

  • SorosBot

    Of course he had no idea those women were prostitutes; why with a face like that women are always just throwing themselves at him at the sex parties.

    • Boojum

      He thought he was actually raping them!

  • Aridzona

    He's the most interesting man in the world.

  • MissTaken

    Hey men, just a thought: If you are rich, old, and stink of cheese all those hot, young women begging to bang you at a sex party are hookers.

    The More You Know!

    • Boojum

      For all value of "hookers" equal to "future wives of Newt Gingrich".

    • BlueStateLibel

      But the old guys' ear hair is so sexy, no?

    • FraAnima

      What do you get with only 2 out of 3 of those qualities?

      Never mind, I don't want to know…

    • SorosBot

      So you mean you don't want to go to a sex party where you go down on a bunch of wrinkly Viagra-popping old men?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Who doesn't? After they're done, they show you pictures of their grandkids*!!

        *legitimate or otherwise

      • Swampgas_Man

        Heavens, how else will they meet a husband?

        Someone else's husband, of course, but poTAYto poTAHto.

        • bagofmice

          Let's call the whole thread off.

      • horsedreamer_1
    • Guppy

      I'll try to keep that in mind the next time I get invited to a sex party.

  • pinkocommi

    I am just so glad that the media has not discovered a tweeted pic of Dominique Strauss-Kahn's dick. Yet.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      They'd have to find it.

  • SpeedoFart

    It amuses me that DSK looks like Brian Cox.

    Hee hee hee hee! "Cox!"

  • coolhandnuke

    He's no Maurice Chevrolet.

  • pinkocommi

    The IMF fucks over countries for money.
    The former head of the IMF fucks women's c*nts for money.


  • FraAnima

    As of now, I will refer to kissing with open mouth and tongue as "Freedom" kissing.

    Take that, France!

    • Guppy

      I thought women in that line of work preferred not to kiss on the mouth to begin with.

      • GreatChristiano

        Its more that the guys refuse to kiss THEM because they know where the working girls' mouths have been…

  • Biff

    I don't know how this joke goes, but I'm pretty sure the punch-line is "The Aristocrats!"

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Law and Order:DSK!

  • SkinnyNerd

    Dear Diary,

    Once again the world feels like it has a right to condemn me. I am but a mere mortal. What is so wrong with my musket pricking a muffin? Has the world gone mad? I have so much stress in my life. As the president (ex) of the IMF I had to solve the problems of the poor. Surely for my fine work, there should be an award, no? Look at the state of the world's poor. Have I not done a good job? As the leading Socialist candidate for President (former) of la Metropole, I had to do a lot of um, well, um, well a lot of French things. Madams and mademoiselles should be knocking on my door. Why must the media keep focusing on me? Now I have to go and sneak around for my various liaisons, like a damned American. When will this nightmare end?

  • dadanarchist

    that his client attended sex parties, but said Strauss-Kahn was unaware the women in attendance were prostitutes.

    I guess Eyes Wide Shut was a documentary.

    • Terry

      Or a guide to life.

  • swordfis

    Seriously: DSK was set up in nyc by Sarkozy; even the NY Post showed a front-page photo of the hotel cops high-fiving each other after the arrest. Emails about the arrest were received in France before it happened. This has been covered extensively in the French press. (Jewish leftists are fairly conspicuous targets in France.)

    The guy may be a slime, but he's a private slime.

    • SorosBot

      So Sarkozy just made him rape that maid? Uh, that doesn't make any sense.

      • swordfis

        It wasn't rape – it was a setup. He habitually hired prostitutes and that one was a plant.

        • SorosBot

          Uh, yeah, sure; and 9/11 was an inside job and the moon landing was faked too.

          • swordfis

            I hate conspiracy theories, and frankly, I find DSK completely disgusting. Still, it was a setup. The French progressive press has covered this widely. Only the New Yorker has in the US as far as I know. And the New Yorker explained the setup.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Links or GTFO.

          • swordfis

            I misremembered the source: it was Jason Epstein in NY Review of Books: http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2011/dec

            The New Yorker Blog has a very critical piece about the article:

            But I'm still sticking to my guns.

          • Dr. Nick Riviera

            Maid goes in, penis comes out. Who can explain it?

    • Chichikovovich

      RU Shoor? I hadn't heard that. If you could give me a couple of links I'd appreciate it, since I find it surprising. The people I know in France – including a couple of journalists, some civil servants and someone high-ish in the Socialist party – all thought that the DSK arrest was a setback for Sarkozy, because his people had amassed a substantial dossier of behavior like this that they were planning to start leaking right after DSK had been officially chosen as the Socialist candidate. Having DSK knocked out before he became the official candidate meant the Socialists had, by blind good fortune, avoided a trap.

      But I haven't spoken to any of them about this for awhile – maybe I'm just out of the loop.

      • swordfis

        Here's the New York Review of Books article (I remembered it as the New Yorker):

        Here's a very critical New Yorker blog treatment of the article:

        Your theory is very interesting. Personally, I can't stand the guy.

        • Guppy

          The critical treatment in the New Yorker can be summed up by this quote:

          Epstein assembles the components of a Rube Goldberg machine of a conspiracy that, if you put it in motion, seems to turn on a controller in room 2820 reckoning that sending a maid into the room of a man who was packing to leave would yield the D.N.A. evidence of a sexual encounter.

          • swordfis

            He would have arranged for a call girl ahead of time, and the controllers would have supplied him with their plant.

          • Guppy

            So… he's the French Marion Barry?

            What's French for "Goddam bitch set me up?"

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Remember, it's not paying for the sex, it's paying for the person to go away after the sex.

  • MissTaken

    The French are sooooo romantic. Ooh la la!

  • RadioStalingrad

    Skunk in the junk.

  • HippieEsq

    Has he already hired someone to kill him – without knowing he hired an assassin of course? Because that's really the only way DSK can raise his game at this point.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Saw my first snake of the year. Baby gophersnake.

  • horsedreamer_1

    "I didn't know the bitches was prostitutes, homme". — Eazy-D

  • Barrelhse

    "Pictures of Lille".

  • GreatChristiano

    Ah, yes–

    but he can only do it once.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Freedom whores!

  • GlowneyHouse

    Aggrivated Pimpin' ain't easy, but it's necessary.

  • docterry6973

    I do so hope that I get to see that smug, sneering face behind bars. Do the French ever send Important People to jail? I kind of don't think they do.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They send 'em to an island, is what I remember.

    • Terry

      No, only people steal loaves of bread go to jail. Probably non-French, too.

    • Negropolis

      No, the French are only sending be-hijabed Muslin wimmenz to jail, these days.

      • GreatChristiano

        That is the craziest law ever–I cannot believe they can get away with that law.

  • MinAgain

    And nobody wants to hang out with an aggravated pimp.

  • Loaded_Pants

    This is Kubrick's worst movie. I mean, it's even worse than "Barry Lyndon".


      You mean, Legs Wide Open?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Bitch set him up!

  • FakaktaSouth

    The Carlton Affair – man, even their sex scandals sound more elegant. You know here at the home of the whopper it'd be a gate too, just like everything – HolidayInn-Ho-gate or something equally terrible. I could deal with a good Carlton Affair.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Hmmm…. Pimp? Rapist??? Has he considered becoming a Republican???

  • Negropolis

    What is aggravated pimping? Is that like when you physically push the girl onto the corner, or something?

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      No, no, no. Aggravated pimping is when you're out pimping, but something unrelated is aggravating you – like you can't get a good cellphone signal or you're out of quarters for the parking meter.

    • bikerlaureate

      Johns just irk him soooo much.

    • bagofmice

      Nobody ever said pimping was easy.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp but that's how DSK rolls.

  • Negropolis

    Don't you guys worry. DSK Socialist party is going to win the presidency. They have another cad agains the UMP cad. The cads are going to win this election, regardless.

  • ttommyunger

    Just whose ass is he checking out in that pix?

  • DahBoner

    It ain't easy being Le Pimp

  • VespulaMaculata

    Is the best you can do, France? Where's the attempt to suck cop dick in an airport restroom? You've got a lot to learn.