fruits and nuts

Serial Watermelon Murderer and Rightwing Paranoiac Gallagher Has Heart Attack Again

Be still my beating heart

On the news that legendary prop comic Gallagher has suffered his second heart attack in two weeks, Your Wonkette is reminded of this classic piece of Journalism from Seattle’s The Stranger, in which intrepid reporter Lindy West sat through Gallagher’s horrifying “comedy” show, which seemed to have been two hours of dick-lickin’ homophobia and not-that-coded racism. Apparently, it was sort of like listening to “entertainer” Rush Limbaugh.

“Hey, President Obama,” he spits out the name like a mouthful of burning hair. “You ain’t black. I don’t care what you say—you’re a latte. You’re half whole-milk. It could be goat milk—you could be a terrorist!” I am too busy losing my mind to catch the next joke, which is about Ted Kennedy’s brain cancer. Aaaaand we’re off.

Ms. West elaborates:

Gallagher is upset about a lot of things. Young people with their sagging pants (in faintly coded racist terms, he explains that this is why the jails are overcrowded—because “their” baggy pants make it too hard for “them” to run from the cops). Tattoos: “That ink goes through to your soul—if you read your Bible, your body is a sacred temple, YOU DIPSHIT.” People naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: “Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!” Guantánamo Bay: “We weren’t even allowed to torture all the way. We had to half-torture—that’s nothin’ compared to what Saddam and his two sons OOFAY and GOOFAY did.” Lesbians: “There’s two types—the ugly ones and the pretty ones.” (Um, like all people?) Obama again: “If Obama was really black, he’d act like a black guy and get a white wife.” Michael Vick: “Poor Michael Vick.” Women’s lib: “These women told you they wanna be equal—they DON’T.” Trans people: “People like Cher’s daughter—figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can’t see your dick, you don’t get one.” The Rice Krispies elves: “All three of those guys are gay. Look at ‘em!” The Mexicans: “Look around—see any Mexicans? Nope. They’ll be here later for the cleanup.” The French: “They ruin our language with their faggy words.”

“Get well” “soon,” Gallagher, you sad old man.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. Tundra Grifter

      There's a powerful argument Dick Cheney's old heart wasn't ever used. Like Ole Newt's soul. Or Duh Gov'Nuh's brain. Or (r)Money's compassion and empathy for the everyman. And everywomen. Also.

      1. tessiee

        "There's a powerful argument Dick Cheney's old heart wasn't ever used."

        So it's a *cherry* heart.

  1. Come here a minute

    Wow, when I saw the headline I was thinking — poor guy, they should give him Dick Cheney's new heart. Now I'm thinking they should take Dick Cheney's new heart and do what they did to Herman Cain's bunny.

  2. Barb

    They had him in a chemically induced coma. They could have saved the chemicals and just shown him a tape of his show.

  3. Callyson

    “Hey Gallagher! You ain’t funny. I don’t care what you say—you’re a bore. You’re half mental case. It could be insanity—you could be a terrorist!”

  4. Not_So_Much

    Hmm, guess I focused only on the high-minded smashing of produce and had forgotten how uproariously funny and nuanced he was…

    1. tessiee

      Given all the steroids Carrot Top appears to be on, I'm amazed that he *hasn't* had a couple of heart attacks.

    2. Negropolis

      Gallagher's political views make Carrot Tops looked downright civilized and enlightened.

    1. ExecutorElassus

      holy shit. I had to stop eating reading that, because I kept laugh-choking.

      Also, I had no idea Lindy was of the female persuasion. Now all those boners I got reading the Gallagher article aren't so confusing.

  5. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    “If Obama was really black, he’d act like a black guy and get a white wife.”

    Your move, de Niro.

  6. Antispandex

    Which Gallagher? The real one, or his brother? I heard there were two (two too many?), but it could be an urban legend…I hope.

    1. bumfug

      Nope, true. his brother stole his act (how lame is the brother that he couldn't write a better one?) and went on tour with it to the kind of low-rent venues that would book this crap.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    Needs to be tagged with "HEART ATTACK-ACK-ACK-ACK" — only because it was so funny when RS tagged this weekend's Cheney heart transplant lede with it. And it, plus the eviscerated watermelon shown here, makes me think of those Martians vaporizing helpless humans in Tim Burton's underrated classic.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      First Lady: I'm not allowing that thing in my house.
      President: Sweetie, we may have to. The people expect me to meet with them.
      First Lady: Well they're not going to eat off the Van Buren china.

      I have always loved that movie.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I never thought of it until this moment, but now that I do, I'm overjoyed to be able to say:

      My wife NT!

    2. C_R_Eature

      I had a boxfull of stickers years ago that were round, perfectly sized to fit over those "<3" s' on the "I <3 my ____" and had a picture of a Screw on them.

      Fun for parking lot mischief. Suddenly, all those Promise Keepers were proclaiming to the World "I [Screw] My Wife!"

      Some people were screwing their pigs and boats, too. Disgusting!

  8. actor212

    People naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: “Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!”

    Hm, Imma think…the most celebrated lesbians I can think of are named Melissa and Ellen….

        1. Loaded_Pants

          My closest Lesbian-American friend was named "Mary Elizabeth". Following Unfunny Melon-Buster's reasoning, she probably should have become a nun.

  9. KennyFuckingPowers

    Dude you not only are not funny, you are old and bald and your forehead is a liver spotted wrinkled mess looking worse than Georgia O'Keefe's taint..

  10. hagajim

    Gallagher = failed Gong Show act. Never was funny and unlike Dennis Miller who once was funny – he never will be. I imagine he'll die before being funny.

    1. meatpuppet2

      To this day I have nightmares whenever I think back to the time I thought Miller was funny. The horror.

    2. stncmchnc

      Yes, former comedian Dennis Miller. One night while viewing his HBO series, I found nothing he said funny. This was even before he went over to the dark side.

    3. Rotundo_

      Never say never-He might do something amusing on the way out, vapor lock again and fire off a huge wet fart when they hit him with the paddles, some comedians are comedians until the bitter end.

  11. Preferred Customer

    I thought Gallagher was hilarious when I was about 7, but in my defense I don't think he'd added the rascist overlay at that point.

    Gallagher, you've changed, man. It used to be about the watermelons.

    1. actor212

      Yea, somehow I doubt the heart attacks were the first cardiovascular trouble ol' Gally had here.

      It's like Ed Koch. I'm convinced he went "silent stroke" in his third term as NYC mayor. It would go a long way to explaining how one of the most liberal congresscritters in the country became a bigoted, cranky old fart.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Jackie Vernon's watermelon routine was much, much funnier.

      Further, no watermelons died in the making of his act.

  12. bumfug

    If you go to a comedy show where they hand out giant sheets of plastic to the audience you deserve whatever foul fate awaits you.

  13. fuflans

    as i have no idea who this person is, i seriously thought that picture was bad special effects and he was in the hobbit or something.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      You must be young-ish. I only know who he is because I had a friend whose asshole parents were sort of obsessed with him. They used to make me sit through a recitation of one of his rants about how silly the English language is (you know, because of irregular spelling).

      As a rule, I instinctively hated everything that they liked.

      1. fuflans

        no not young just always underinformed.

        in this case, to my advantage apparently.

        he's one ugly mofo tho isn't he?

  14. SheriffRoscoe

    He should try self-deprecation, to be funny. Bald and jowly is an untapped treasure trove of comedy.

  15. BlackRhino

    The damadable Cheney used his status to move ahead in the line to get a heart before this guy. Oh well, it’s better than getting shot in the face…

    bada bing!

  16. Goonemeritus

    First Cheney gets a transplant now Gallagher will probably be shopping for one. I hate to do it but I’m cutting up my organ donor card today.

  17. RedneckMuslin

    Am I a terrible person for laughing at "If you can’t see your dick, you don’t get one"? Yes, but come on, you know Nazis can do funny things sometimes.

  18. ph7

    There's a whole village devoted to this ethic in Branson, MO. Good ol' slow, easy, and uncomplicated racist humor, just like granpappy used to tell. With a decent dose of gospel thrown in for unintended irony.

  19. SorosBot

    At least he hasn't gotten together with Herman Caine; imagine what they'd do to those poor bunnies.

  20. FlownOver


    Either we're allowed to wish accelerated decay on this "comedic" compost heap or we're not. Rulez is rules, or at least they used to was.

      1. FlownOver

        Not fast enough to suit me, hence "accelerated." I'd prefer to see him only in the form of a small pile of unidentifiable brown matter.

  21. SaintRond

    He never made me laugh, until recently. As a matter of fact, he did it twice in just two weeks!

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Eh, it's probably just Gallagher and then his brother having heart attacks and the doctors thinking they're the same person. Hell, who really knows how many clones he's got performing his act under his name? You'd think one of them would be as funny as another one was offensive, just by statistical likelihood, but you'd be wrong.

  23. MissTaken

    Women’s lib: “These women told you they wanna be equal—they DON’T.”

    Conservative Comedy © is HILARIOUS!

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Do you think that there was a punchline after that? Or was that… you know, the whole thing?

    1. Preferred Customer

      Gah. Stupid refresh button. Stupid comment system keeping reminders of your failure around for all to see.

      1. Tundra Grifter


        All too easy to do! Politico is the worst – must be the reason nobody else comments on there.

  24. Redhead

    "“Get well” “soon,”"

    Is that secret code for "fuck yourself with a rusty chainsaw you twatwaffle!" the way "Bless her heart" is Southern code for "fuck you"?

  25. Christopher Carrion

    He looks like if Powers Boothe and the Penguin from "Batman Returns" had some kind of dumpster-baby and dressed him up in a Freddy Kreuger costume.

  26. VespulaMaculata

    Anybody else sad realizing Carlin's been gone almost four years, Pryor for six, Lily is 72 and had earned a slow down, but bottom feeders like this go on and on.

  27. Serolf_Divad

    More proof that washed up, second rate comedians and washed up, second rate rock stars can briefly semi-resuscitate their careers by becoming lame, third rate conservative comdians and lame, third rate conservative rock stars.

  28. meatpuppet2

    Cheney keeps having heart attacks and not dying. Same with Gallager. Seems god does have a sense of humor after all.

  29. docterry6973

    Poor guy. Should've started with smashing strawberries and not gone right back into watermelons.

  30. Barrelhse

    Boffo!! Keep the massive coronary in the regular comedy routine- it's killin' em in Seattle!

  31. randcoolcatdaddy

    I'm not sure why, but I always thought Gallagher and Ted Nugent were the same person. But, then again, I easily get all these dreadfully tedious and terminally White homophobic bigots mixed up. They all look and sound the same to me.

    1. meatpuppet2

      Secret Muslim Black Panther Death Ninjas. Because Black, brown, muslim. It's all the same color to them. The color is "Not like us"

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      Obviously not, because if they did they would have done a better job on Gallagher and on Dick Cheney. You just can't get good secret Muslim death ninjas any more. I blame Obama, before he was elected all of the secret Muslim death ninjas were pretty good, then he gets elected and "boom" everyone wants to become a secret Muslim death ninja and there are all of these shitty online courses from sleazy fly-by-night outfits like the University of Phoenix that purport to teach you how to become a secret Muslim death ninja and all of a sudden every asshole and his brother wants to become a secret Muslim death ninja because it's the cool path to making lots of money really fast. It's the same damned thing as happened with web designers back in the 1990s.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Carlin had the decency to loathe pretty much everyone and everything at the end. There are plenty of days I can get behind that.

    2. tessiee

      Whatever jerkiness George Carlin may have exhibited was redeemed by the monologue that ended with, "And now they're comin' for you're social security — and they'll get *that*, too!"

    3. ttommyunger

      You are spot-on about George. No snark: I believe full well that undiagnosed age-related illness goes a long way toward destroying a man's sense of humor years before it takes his life. I've lived with it too many times for it not to be true. I'm speaking specifically of diseases that restrict blood flow. Prolly explains why Cheney hasn't laughed in fifty years, except that time his mother fell and broke her hip.

  32. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Marc Maron's podcast 'WTF" is a pretty good talking-to-comedians interview program.

    Gallagher stormed out of the room like a pissy little bag of santorum when Maron had the temerity to suggest that Gallagher's recent comedy is heavy-handed and rightwing (Oh! I see my link is to a followup blog post to the one linked in the OP…)

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Watching "conservative comedy" is like watching "communist comedy". I can imagine back in the 1930s someone like Gallagher doing standup comedy in Stalinist Russia "Ha, ha comrades. The Trotskyite deviationists and wreckers are all a bunch of decadent capitalists. Oh, and they're fags too." and then smashing a huge beet or potato (representing capitalism) with a sledgehammer like those used by the heroic workers who are implementing the latest glorious five-year plan.

  33. mavenmaven

    "Gallagher ran out of his heart medication and began to feel like he was having another heart attack" too bad Obamacare isn't already in place, had he had medical insurance this probably wouldn't have happened.

      1. mavenmaven

        Heart medication is a lot more expensive, it its tragic what one sees in clinic, people spread their pills out over time, break them in half, etc. so it wouldn't surprise me if cost was part of his non-compliance. Thats why we need a health care overhaul, even if those who would most benefit by it dont understand that.

    1. Rotundo_

      Bill had a lot of observations that were right on the mark. Along with Carlin and others, greatly missed.

  34. straighteight

    I'm alright with all of this. He's basically spent 20+ years playing second-or-third tier venues like the Admiral Theatre in Bremerton. Just a ferry ride away from the city where the big-ticket stars perform! I'd like to think he's some sort of inter-dimensional being and our world is his hell.

  35. mrblifil

    Drug induced brain damage often exhibits itself as Obama Derangement Syndrome. Sadly there is no cure for his true underlying ailment: Never Been Funny Disorder.

  36. owhatever

    Obama's Death Panel let old man Cheney have a new pre-owned heart, so maybe Gallagher has an outside chance. No, he doesn't. Not rich enough.

  37. tessiee

    Theory about how it wasn't really a heart attack, Obama had a hit put on Gallagher for smashing watermelons (get it? ya get it, huh?) in 3…

  38. CessnaDriver

    I saw Gallagher in the 1980's in Las Vegas.

    It was one of the best comedy shows I have ever seen.

    So sad that he turned into an unfunny Victoria Jackson.

    1. Rotundo_

      Roughly the same timetable for them to go into the career toilet and wind up with the same worldview. Both had schtick that had a definite shelf life and has been past expiration date since the 80's too. Victoria will probably be around for a good while longer. Maybe she could get a Branson gig along with all the other hacks like Yackov Smirnov etc.

  39. DCBloom

    Gallagher has been so off my radar, that I had no idea that he was such an idiot.
    I have always thought his was not funny.

  40. Dashboard Buddha

    I cannot believe Bill Hicks is dead and this motherfucker is still touring.

    Truer words…

  41. Wile E. Quixote

    Some people would see the fact that Bill Hicks is dead and Gallagher is still touring as proof that there is no God. I'd like to offer an alternate theory, namely that there is a God and he's a real dick.

  42. freddymcmurray

    You know you're in trouble when Larry the Cable Guy is funnier than you (or is this his brother "Gallagher"? I could never follow that career path)

  43. chascates

    From the MST3K forum:
    Q: Why does Joel Hodgson hate Gallagher?
    A: When Joel was performing stand-up before MST3K started, he was working at
    the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA with Gallagher. Backstage
    before the show Gallagher went through all of Joel's props without permission
    and complained about all the gimmicks Joel was using (when Gallagher also uses
    "gimmicks" in his shows). Supposedly Gallagher was very rude and insulting.
    Also, he's evil.

  44. C_R_Eature

    I heard that Gallagher just got a gig doing a commercial with some company called ""

    I wonder what that's about?

  45. Negropolis

    Let's just say that he has about as much tact as you'd expect of a man who smashes a watermelon with a mallet for a living.

  46. ttommyunger

    Breitbart is keeping a spot warm for him…. come to think of it, Gallagher's brand of "funny" IS Hell.

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