THE GLOSSIES  3:25 pm March 26, 2012

Amazing Magazine ‘The Conservative Teen’ Has A Lot To Say, None Of It By Teens

by Liz Colville

PRETTY BLONDES

Today is a good day. Here is a magazine called The Conservative Teen, whose first issue is miraculously FREE and ONLINE for you to read in its entirety. The Conservative Teen appears to essentially be one of those “$4.99 ORDINARILY BUT FOR YOU, FREE!” fake magazines like Raw Life Today, or whatever, that sneak their way into your doctor’s waiting room. Except with The Conservative Teen, what we have is not product-touting, but idea-touting. IDEAS. Finally, some ideas. Like how to always have a baby at any time. And to never watch Glee. And of course, because the titular reader of this magazine doesn’t know anything because they are home-schooled in a patient manner, the articles in The Conservative Teen are written by grownups, who all happen to be involved with either The Heritage Foundation, Fox Business News, the Family Research Council or the Media Research Center. Fun fun fun!

These people just love writing for magazines (one magazine, this “magazine”) in their spare time — so what? Actually one of the authors is somehow involved with George Mason University, and he is a PROFESSOR, maybe, or maybe a student, or he mows the lawns, or he polishes the bust of George Mason that sits in the middle of the quad, but anyway, he does stuff at a place that people pay to make them seem smart, so he was chosen to write an article called “Understanding Liberals.” Just don’t understand them too well, blonde, blue-eyed teens/rejected Abercrombie models from Scandinavia, otherwise you might have sex with one of them or something.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, because the ad on the inside cover of this magazine alone is worth discussing, or at least looking at. Here it is:

actually...

That was that. Brian Williams is secretly black and the president. Moving on.

Because conservatives don’t actually like to read, in the table of contents of this first issue of TCT, each article is listed with its word count, e.g. “1799 words,” as a warning, and so that readers may know that they must set aside five to six hours for each.

The first article is a beautiful thing about Glee that details so much about this show, it is clear that the author secretly has seen every episode six times. The author also knows the material that the locker room bench that Lea Michele sat on in her scandalous GQ photo shoot is made of (“pine”). The “section” of the magazine that this falls under is “Liberal Bias,” naturally. The article also makes sure to define any big words that might appear daunting to young whites:

THANK YOU

Thank you, we were wondering.

The next article, “An Oscar Take On The Culture War,” argues that Oscar-winning films Ben-Hur, Titanic WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY JAMES CAMERON and The Lords of the Rings: The Return of the King “nicely capture America as it was and as it is — and what you as a young conservative can do about it.” See, America right now is just like Titanic WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY JAMES CAMERON because it is … a sinking ship. And what you can do, young conservative, is figure out a way to prevent a large vessel with a gaping hole in it from sinking. Do it.

Later on, there is an article about how teens don’t know anything about U.S. history. This is because:

Although the Constitution vests legislative powers in Congress, the majority of “laws” today are promulgated in the form of “regulations” by bureaucrats (bureaucrat: a person of the government who does everything according to the rules of that government) who are mostly unaccountable and invisible to the public.

Which laws are laws, and which are “laws”? Glad you asked. Roe v. Wade is a “law.” The Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act of 2011 is a law. Obamacare is a “law.” National Bible Day is a law.

Later on, we are told what Judaism is, because your parents probably “forgot” to tell you during that history lesson conducted while Dancing With The Stars was on:

you learn something new every day

And here is a great definition of the word “ROI” for young innocent minds:

SOMETHINGGGG

OH GOD THERE IS JUST SO MUCH HERE, WE’RE ONLY ON PAGE 30 of 52. But we must end now, to save your poor scrolling fingers. So we will end with an excerpt from a piece called, “Why Abstinence Works And How It Can Work For You”:

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives. Enjoy this whole thing, which, by the way, is hosted at a domain called LongBoys.net! Bye.

 
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{ 356 comments }

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Written by an entire staff wearing nothing except dirty raincoats and rubber boots.

KennyFuckingPowers March 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I'd jackboot my way goose stepping into that Hitler Yout complex. The blonde hair. The blue eyes. Is she from Norwegia? I don't need that brother of hers cockblocking me for the Lord though. Dammit!

dubyatf March 26, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Either Norwegia or Swedland, fur shuur. Ding-a-ding-a-doohr, and don't forget the "Uff da."
I *think* (read hope) that most teens, even Conservatives, will be insulted/bored/cynically amused by this unsubtle attempt to "mold their minds." The teenage mind don't NEED no gee dee molding, Oldsters! Going out on a limb here but I daresay that the only teens who will read this are those who are already thoroughly, hopelessly indoctrinated– and by virtue of same have been robbed of all that makes childhood glorious–or middle aged wingers whose emotional development locked up when they were 13 when their peepows started to act of their own volition.

MOG2410 March 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm

That keeps the ick off of them, right?

ph7 March 26, 2012 at 3:33 pm

That boy on the cover is wearing a hoodie. Caveat emptor and nice knowing you!

(Did you know? Caveat emptor is a good term for a capitalist to use when you swindle someone, and want to blame the sucker you tricked!)

Jukesgrrl March 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Good catch. But the hoodie is red and probably has "www.RedState.com" written on the front of it. If Trevon Martin had only worn the "right" hoodie, he would be here today to watch subversive programs like Glee.

HistoriCat March 26, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I prefer the NRA hoodie – easier access to my handgun.

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Caveat emptor is Latin for "Nah-nah-na-nah-nah."

SorosBot March 26, 2012 at 3:34 pm

"We've never seen such blatant cheerleading for a president and his agenda". Um, it looks like somebody missed George Bush and the whole run up to the invasion of Iraq.

anniegetyerfun March 26, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"And by "agenda", we mean, "something OTHER than specifically only killing Muslims", because anything that isn't entirely about killing Muslims is dubbed "an agenda" in our special little world."

dadanarchist March 26, 2012 at 3:51 pm

George? George who?

Jukesgrrl March 26, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Mr. Cheney's assistant. You know, the one who save The Republic when we were bombed by Saddam Hussein. Those weren't bombs? Well … you know.

starfanglednut March 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Lalalala we can't heeeare you!

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Ummmmm, you might want to click through to page 48, where Obama is under…well, let's call it "closer inspection".

GemlikeFlame March 26, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Damnit, SorosBot not only read my mind, but he/she worded it almost exactly the way I was about to. Guess I'll have to break down and thumbs up that post. Hey, anybody know what that number next to my nom du net really means? I read the tooltip about it, and it says I'm not very awesome.

Which, come to think of it, is pretty much the majority opinion.

SorosBot March 26, 2012 at 4:39 pm

And here it was strange when my girlfriend and I shared the same thoughts and made very similar comments – now it's happening with random commenters too!

paulabflat March 27, 2012 at 12:00 pm

well…great minds…

MadBrahms March 26, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I don't know, Soros. That time Charles Gibson put on a pleated skirt and did his "sis-boom-bah" routine for Obama was pretty blatant, even without the cartwheels.

BaldarTFlagass March 26, 2012 at 3:34 pm

The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives.

Isaac Newton never did.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I believe it. Anyone who could be cruel enough to invent calculus had to be missing a few screws.

BaldarTFlagass March 26, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Gottfried Leibniz wants to have a word with you.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:44 pm

He backdated his discovery. It's a well-documented fact.

That would sort of make him the first Republican mathematician

jqheywood March 26, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Leibniz Libel!

sullivanst March 26, 2012 at 4:23 pm

The real cruelty was not using calculus in Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica

See section II if you doubt me…

Toomush_Infer March 26, 2012 at 3:40 pm

The editors sound wistful….

docterry6973 March 26, 2012 at 3:44 pm

They do? SO I STILL HAVE HOPE!!??

starfanglednut March 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Really? Equal and opposite reaction? Sounds like sex to me. But then, everything sounds like sex to me.

dadanarchist March 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I thought that was Immanuel Kant. When I studied philosophy, there were lots of jokes about his supposed virginity/homonymic puns on his last name…..

sezme March 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable…

MosesInvests March 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm

'Eidegger, 'Eidegger was a boozy beggar who could drink you under the table…. (sorry, outbreak of Python Tourette's)

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:39 pm

David Hume could out consume Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel….

EatFrankRich March 26, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Just remember to read Critique of Pure Reason in the bathtub, because there's nothing better than a wet….

Judith_Priest March 28, 2012 at 9:22 pm

except maybe a *hot* wet …

doloras March 26, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Not with women, as far as we know.

DHarcavy March 26, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Actually, Newton was gay and rumored to have had sex with a young Swiss mathematician named Fatio de Dullier.

gurukalehuru March 28, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Isaac Newton was to physics what Michael Jackson was to pop.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Do they define simple words in this magazine just for the homeschooled, or can anyone play along?

Toomush_Infer March 26, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Homeschooled: made to stay at home coloring all day so that no one would have to hear what Daddy did at night…

Veritas78 March 26, 2012 at 10:20 pm

That actually explains a lot. Way too much, mebbe.

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I hope they have an article about Santorum.

teebob2000 March 28, 2012 at 2:31 pm

"Santorum: a Man, AND a Substance!"

Lascauxcaveman March 26, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Needs more LOLCats, more Funny Charts, and more Hunger Games fan fiction, or my kid won't touch it.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Or more Goofus and Gallant

SorosBot March 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

They do still have the Mormon abstinence sparkly vampires, don't they?

doloras March 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Hunger Games is communist propaganda, suggesting there's something wrong with poors competing for the amusement of the idle and vapid rich. You mean An American Carol fan fiction.

Lascauxcaveman March 26, 2012 at 5:11 pm

A tender lass of 16, my daughter doesn't know from communism. But she knows from shit.

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Not a Santorum supporter, I take it?

Lascauxcaveman March 26, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Well, she is Catholic, and at least ostensibly pro-life; same way I was when I was 16 and had not yet the mental discipline to insist that all my firmly-held beliefs made sense.

However, she's heard her daddy say "Jesus, this guy's an idiot" about Ricky S enough times to not automatically swallow everything he says. Mostly she just ignores politics.

Fnarf March 28, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I think you mean Laugh Out Loud Cats. This is a respectable publication. (It has them).

johnnyzhivago March 26, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Rules like "don't use a word you're defining in it's own definition" are for lesbians and communists.

Preferred Customer March 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Communist: Someone who is a communist or a lesbian.

Chill-A-Sketch March 26, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Aryan Magazine is still in print?

johnnyzhivago March 26, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Still in print – and playing the master race card.

GOPCrusher March 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Buffy and Chip on that magazine cover are two of the whitest people I've ever seen, and I've seen Johnnie and Edgar Winter in concert.

doloras March 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm

If you search-replace "liberal" with "Jewish", Conservative Teen = Völkischer Beobachter.

LesBontemps March 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Tiger Beat has really let itself go.

soeoho March 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Hauntingly master-raceish cover photo. Hope they use asprin.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

They're practically see-through!

HarryButtle March 26, 2012 at 5:15 pm

"Aryan Kids Weekly"

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Upfisties for demographic differentiation of incidence of Reyes's Syndrome.

anniegetyerfun March 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm

It actually has a lot in common with Raw Life Today, because both groups of people are hoping for a rapidly-approaching apocalypse to wipe out most of humanity.

Jus_Wonderin March 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

"Comet, it makes the Earth feel clean.
Comet, taking humans to the Pliocene,
Comet, it makes you…shit your pants.
So get some Comet and…shit your pants today."

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Wipe out most of humanity. Except them, of course. Because they're white and special and worship jeebus and know about liberal bias.

littlebigdaddy March 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I'm guessing there's a personals section at the back for those who may just be looking for a little same-sex underage companionship.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 26, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Oh, hey, sort of semi-related at best, but this weekend, Kid Zoom and I watched Louis CK's concert film Hilarious, which has this brilliant insight that is probably Not Approved by the American Family Association:

Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never happened – THAT would be sad. If two people were married and they were really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero.… So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad and now they’re – I mean, they’re better. They’re not good. Life is shit wall to wall. But they’re better, so you should be happy.

I'm thinking of getting the first part of that (up to "zero") made into a poster for the lobby of Family Court Services. The boss is out of town this week.

sullivanst March 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Of course, it's not actually true that no happily married couples ever divorced.

Until the ACA's rating rules come into force in 2014, divorce is probably the only rational financial decision to make if you work for a small company through which your spouse receives medical benefits and your spouse is diagnose with one of the more expensive forms of cancer. See, if you make that big claim against your insurance, the insurer will threaten to jack your company's rates way up, so you'll be fired. Get divorced, and firing you won't save anything since your spouse will already be claiming through COBRA anyway. Once COBRA runs out, ex-spouse is likely to be far too sick to work, and medicaid should be available without threat to your assets.

It is really sad, but that's the reality our FUBAR "health" "care" system has created.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 26, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Typical Librul, bringing facts and logic into it.

Still, at least we still have the Freedom to get divorced to pay for our healthcare–and to go bankrupt after a medical emergency, too! You don't see Europeans exercising that kind of Liberty, now DO you?

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 10:55 pm

The "Hilarious" bit (which I've listened to about 20 times) made me almost stop using the word altogether.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 26, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Lisa? That's HILARIOUS

BaldarTFlagass March 26, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Why, this magazine is just a transparent tool for brainwashing (brainwash: a method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs, originated in totalitarian countries.) !

soeoho March 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I'm confused, Water-boarding is NOT a means of washing brains for the same results?

prommie March 26, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I'm condescending. That means I talk down to you. Very slowly.

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Wha'?

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 10:56 pm

He smurt, talkin' all slow liek that.

KennyFuckingPowers March 26, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I'm gonna hit that Young Republicans event in Pocatello. Got some X and a little green.
If she holds the aspirin, try doggie.

Crank_Tango March 26, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I'm looking forward to some hot pink lipstick around the base o' me shaft.

CessnaDriver March 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

"she"?

This is a repig event.

GreatChristiano March 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Hey have you guys ever noticed how the color of a woman's lips almost always identically matches the color of her areolas?

That's why I hate lipstick.

paulabflat March 27, 2012 at 12:07 pm

i'll drive.

Dr. Nick Riviera March 26, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Titanic came out in '95…back when most teens were just glints in the liberal milkman's eye.

HistoriCat March 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm

And thank YOU for making me feel old. Also, it came out in 1997.

GOPCrusher March 26, 2012 at 5:29 pm

And I've still never watched it.

HistoriCat March 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Four words: Kate Winslet's naked boobies.

Nostrildamus March 26, 2012 at 8:24 pm

That's two more than is strictly necessary.

Veritas78 March 26, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Those were in that movie?

Must have been while Leo diC was somewhere on screen.

Dr. Nick Riviera March 26, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Hey, you're not alone. I was a teenager way back then. I had a crush on. Leonardo Di Caprio back when he was a devastatingly bad actor.

Dashboard Buddha March 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm

At the time, nearly everyone in the office was swooning over this flick. I just wasn't interested. Sensitive liberal that I am, I just don't dig romance movies…especially sad ones. This practically made me a pariah in the office and folks were all, "Come DB, don't be a stick in the mud…come with us tomorrow night, you'll love it". Seriously, they were like the fucking moonies.

I managed to hold out and one of my coworkers, knowing my political leanings, tried the rich vs. poor angle. "DB, they showed really well how the rich screwed over the steerage passengers"" Well, you know…I don't have to sit through a 2-3 hour long movie to know that the rich will ALWAYS get the fucking lifeboats, thank you very much.

Fare la Volpe March 26, 2012 at 8:25 pm

I didn't watch that movie until just last summer, and I only caught the second half of it (right when the iceberg hits the fan). Months later I managed to watch the whole thing from the beginning, and realized that if you took out the first 50 minutes (the part I missed first time around) it is easily one of the scariest horror movies ever.

I'm hoping that years down the line Cameron catches wise and cuts out all the romancey crap to play to the Fangoria crowd.

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Wasn't he just at the very bottom of the Marianas Trench yesterday? That's one of the most frightening things I can imagine. I think he goes down there regularly to drink mermaid blood or something, but this time he got caught and had some splainin' to do; "It's my first time! Woohoo!' Not buyin' it.

Fare la Volpe March 26, 2012 at 11:07 pm

I could totally see Cameron diving to the bottom of the ocean just to stare at the majesty of nature and say to himself, "Yeah. I made all this."

I could also totally see Michael Bay's spank bank being filled with nothing but Megan Fox and B-reel of the Manhattan Project.

BaldarTFlagass March 26, 2012 at 3:38 pm

"(bureaucrat: a person of the government who does everything according to the rules of that government)"

(Republican: a person of the government who does everything according to his or her own rules and is surprised when he/she is indicted for it)

GOPCrusher March 26, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Wonder what the name is for someone who makes tax policy based on a piece of paper they signed that Grover Norquist gave them?

Geminisunmars March 26, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Idjit?

CthuNHu March 26, 2012 at 10:14 pm

They're just doing it to get campaign donations and to get elected, right? So they're doing it for a reward, right? What does that make them?

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Slut.

teebob2000 March 28, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"indicted: fucked!"

MissTaken March 26, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I'm looking forward to their review of the latest Prussian Blue single. I hear it's a gas!

PubOption March 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Prussian Blue have supposedly changed their philosophy.
http://www.thedaily.com/page/2011/07/17/071711-ne

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Relevant quote:

“My sister and I were home-schooled,” Lynx pointed out. “We were these country bumpkins. We spent most of our days up on the hill playing with our goats.”

And, to no one's surprise, marijuana appears to have played a key role in their conversion.

Lascauxcaveman March 26, 2012 at 4:02 pm

See? This is why I don't Despair For Our Children's Future.

No matter how messed up you raise your kid, the world almost always gets several chances to make it much better. If the kid has a brain that works and two eyes in his/her head, it's impossible for them not to learn a thing or two after leaving the nest.

dadanarchist March 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

It's part of the reason Republicans hate drugs.

Under the sway of my conservative grandfather, I was a lil bible-reading, ditto-head, young-republican-in-the-works.

And then I took LSD, got godless, and became a teenage anarchist punk.

SorosBot March 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm

No matter how horrible home schooling parents try to brainwash their kids, they don't always succeed – yay!

doloras March 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm

And this is why I hate that "eugenics 2.0" about how the stoopids and the Republicans shouldn't be allowed to "outbreed us". Stoopidity and Republicanism aren't hereditary any more than teh gay is. If they were I would be Michele Bachmann.

Pop_Socket March 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I hear it's a gas!

Zyklon B to be exact.

MissTaken March 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm

From their much anticipated album, Final Solution

MosesInvests March 26, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Damn, beat me to it!

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:51 pm

It's a gas chamber.

D'oh! Too slow!

anniegetyerfun March 26, 2012 at 3:38 pm

The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives.

Yes, but not all of them will be "husband and wife", right? Right, Newt?

Geminisunmars March 26, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Hey kids, you know what? It is only sex if it is (missionary) intercourse between a man and woman with the possible, if not actually desired, outcome being pregnancy. The rest may be fun, but it isn't sex.

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Butt Secks is what Baby Jesus wants.

SmutBoffin March 26, 2012 at 3:39 pm

When will they profile that hot new musical act that wrote the Santorum "Game Change" song?

They're pretty hip and relate-able.

SexySmurf March 26, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Between this and Bieber's new "rap" album I'm glad I'm no longer a teenager.

ph7 March 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

The blonde on the cover has me kinda wishing I was a teenage boy again. I'd pay for her birth control so Rush and other taxpayers wouldn't have to pay for her to have so much sex with me.

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I'm willing to bet it would be dull and unimaginative. At least until she was sufficiently edumacated.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:40 pm

each article is listed with its word count, e.g. “1799 words,”

There must be entire emergency rooms in Alabama filled with teens with "tired lips syndrome".

(lip: Either of two fleshy folds that surround the opening of your mouth that don't belong to your funny Uncle Ed that Mom always tries to avoid at Christmas under the misteltoe)

Crank_Tango March 26, 2012 at 3:59 pm

2. Those beefy flaps that done got tore up by uncle dad last night. Not the ones you put bright pink lipstick on. Or I guess you could, which would be original…

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

You would be wrong to think it doesn't get its own cosmetic line….

Crank_Tango March 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm

vulva-va-va-voom!

Iam_Who_Iam March 26, 2012 at 5:27 pm

My goodness, what will they think of next?

Btw, why just pink? How about green? No? Maybe blue? It would come in handy for that bedroom game of Star Trek Captain and Alien Princess.

PhillipMarlowe6 March 27, 2012 at 12:10 am

Great Review ( a survey or evaluation of a particular subject : a review of recent developments in multicultural education.):
This review is from: My New Pink Button – Audry (Health and Beauty)
I tried this with a lady-friend as a bit of a joke.

Unfortunately, when we opened the tin, we were blinded by what can best be described as celestial luminance. I have lost sight in both eyes, and I think the tin has gained sentience. Judging by the sound of things, it has killed the cat and taken its place.

I'm certain we are next. I pray that it kills me first.

Pros: Most memorable night ever.
Cons: Alien parasites growing in my torso.

Mumbletypeg March 26, 2012 at 3:40 pm

The image of that blonde, vanillaesque couple screams "MORMON LITE."
They've been careful to keep the girl clean of any *bling.* Why do conservapub's hate jewelry, was there some kind of Old Testament (Old Testament: sacred text of the Judeo [Judaism: Judaism: religion of the Jewish] people]) sanction that I missed?

FlownOver March 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Thus the downfall of the Newtibeast and the Whore of Alexandria McLean.

fuflans March 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm

keep the girl clean of any *bling.*

but when they're on their third or fourth marriage, bling is a prerequisite.

GreatChristiano March 26, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Now wouldn't an inter-racial couple on that cover really spice up its appeal?

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 11:24 pm

PRESERVE OUR HERITAGE — is the sign I just read on a large roadside cross a couple days ago, and your comment reminded me of it. And it was within 10 minutes of a "CHOOSE LIFE" and "Ron Paul" and …some other fundie sign. I was in an unfamiliar and unseemly part of my state, I suppose. THE END.

Mumbletypeg March 27, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Which state do you live in? No "THE END" — your tale was just beginning!

Designer_Rants March 27, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Iowa. I was driving the fam back home from a trip to the Alabama coast, Day Two. Which state did I see the weirdest, most backward, creepiest signs, you ask?
Was it Alabama? no.
How about Mississippi? Nope.
Okay, Louisiana then. No, not there.
Uh, Mississippi again? Nuh-uh.
Tennessee? No, only drove through Memphis.
Well, you went through Arkansas after that. That's the state that takes the cake, right? No.
Not even Missouri.
As I drove through the bottom-right corner of my state, I saw a lot of "bottom-right" roadside Fear-Graffiti. Iowa's a Purple State, but I guess that means we just have extremists that live and blend together?

edit: I did see THIS in Missouri. Stay classy, Gas Station Restroom Vending Machine.

poorgradstudent March 26, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I'd love to see the pro-life article explaining why ovulation is like the Holocaust.

Pithaughn March 26, 2012 at 3:41 pm

they be on to something with the Titanic reference. Because re arranging the deck chairs and arguing over what the orchestra should play is pretty much the conservative agenda.

anniegetyerfun March 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Letting the poors drown below deck, also.

Pithaughn March 28, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Those are people down there? Lovey are you sure? They smell just like barn animals!

bagofmice March 26, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I'm just gonna say Cameron knows a thing or two about sinking ships, what with his dive down to the challenger deep in the marinara trench. In a submarine he designed. Deep stuff.

SayItWithWookies March 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm

There could be monsters in the Marinara Trench. I recommend bringing a good carbonara to fight them off with.

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Calimari frequent the depths. Bright pink, giant calamari.

arihaya March 26, 2012 at 3:41 pm

it occurs to me that "conservative teens" are just like "Iraqi's WMD"… it ain't any

Pop_Socket March 26, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I wish you were right. It's sad to hear someone too young to vote parroting their wingnut parents' ideology.

doloras March 26, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Or becoming a Young Republican because of bugging the popular liberal kids / making "contacts" to grease up the corporate pole later / rebelling against hippie parents.

memzilla March 26, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Another fine product from the American Legislative Exchange Council, no doubt.

Because when you brainwash, you really want to get those whites their whitest!

slithytoves March 26, 2012 at 3:42 pm

"Conservative Teen." I can't read about it because just the title makes me sad. "Conservative teen" really should be an oxymoron.

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 11:06 pm

It's not.. But they still don't read, so at least this magazine is completely irrelevant.

Tundra Grifter March 26, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Why do they publish an entire magazine for an individual?

It is titled "The Conservative Teen" because, in point of fact, in the whole US of A there is, indeed, just one.

twaingirl March 26, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Hmm, hate to show up with anecdotal evidence (not facts) but I teach in Cincy and many of my students are convinced that Bill O'Reilly is a reliable resource for information about climate change. And that Obama can control gas prices.

GOPCrusher March 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Next time ask them if they have a job and pay for their own gas, or do they use the credit card that Mummy and Daddy gave them.

dancesw_cougars March 27, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Get out of Cincy. Fast. Haven't you seen "Children of the corn"?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 26, 2012 at 3:42 pm

The Founders read ONLY THE BIBLE. They never read no stinkin' Greeks or Locke and Hobbes. No way. Just Judeo-Christians all the way down (never mind that the term "Judeo-Christian" would have sounded like gibberish to them…)

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

What's this "Jewdayo" yew on about, there? Sounds Jap-o-knees ta me! *hockSPIT*

LesBontemps March 26, 2012 at 4:02 pm

A Judeo is where the Lubavitchers show off their ridin', ropin' and bronc-bustin' skills, I think.

jqheywood March 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Okay….that one got water spewed all over my desk. Thanks.

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 5:59 pm

And turtles.

Extemporanus March 26, 2012 at 3:43 pm

"Dear Conservative Teen,

I never thought this could happen to me…and it didn't."

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Oh…this is still a warblog, amirite? Do they have letters to the editor or a comments section?

Veritas78 March 26, 2012 at 10:35 pm

With a word count of 14, this might actually get read.

Or whatever the past-tense of read is. Or was.

Baconzgood March 26, 2012 at 3:43 pm

This word count thing is a good idea. I was reading somthing in the New Yorker and thought "boy it was so interesting and in depth but if I knew it was 10,000 words I wouldn't read about the farce of 'election fraud'".

memzilla March 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

The word count is so one can calculate if will take one or two morning poops to read it.

Veritas78 March 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm

"Whoh! 2 much information! 'kay, not! I'm a 300-word pooper, btw, so about 3-4 hours. U?"

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Laptops & tablet PCs have made poop-reading so much more special.

PubOption March 26, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Why all those word definitions? Surely a responsible, conservative teen should know how to use a dictionary.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 4:03 pm

It's a banned book because the name contains "dic"

scorpy1 March 26, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Maybe not if they were home-schooled…

gullywompr March 26, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I guess blondes don't really have more fun at all.

Mumbletypeg March 26, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I'm waiting for the much-anticipated column about wooing the opposite sex, code EDIFY: Evangelistic Dating Is For You!

SheriffRoscoe March 26, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Librul soshulist teens will instantly recognize ROI as being the word for "king," in French.

doloras March 26, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I thought it stood for "Republic of Ireland".

GuyClinch March 26, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I think I'll just wait for Larry Flynt to publish his version.

GOPCrusher March 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Hustler Presents: Barely Legal Conservatives.

docterry6973 March 26, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I just want to say that those two on the cover are the whitest people that I have ever seen in my 60 years on this planet.

Oh, and if you know what abstinence is, then you already know how it works. Jeez.

PNWTom March 28, 2012 at 11:33 pm

She's a poster girl for Das Bund Deutscher Mädel

Joey_Blau March 26, 2012 at 3:46 pm

oh oh they just changed the host name from "longboys" to "longboyswithbongs"

anniegetyerfun March 26, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Wait, are they saying that Brian Williams and Barack Obama are the same person? Because that drastically changes several sexual fantasies of mine.

Jus_Wonderin March 26, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Have you ever noticed how crooked Brian's nose and mouth are? (Which, could be fun.)

bagofmice March 26, 2012 at 4:02 pm

It makes the three-way that much easier to schedule.

Blueb4sunrise March 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

It looks like they lightened Barry and darkened Brian.

SayItWithWookies March 26, 2012 at 4:24 pm

There's always Fred Armisen, the other white Barack Obama.

Wile E. Quixote March 27, 2012 at 2:02 am

Have you ever seen the two of them together? And even if you had what would it prove? I had hot fantasies about being the meat in a Hayley Mills and her twin sister sandwich until someone explained to me that The Parent Trap was done with trick photography. Damn that was a sad day.

Tundra Grifter March 26, 2012 at 3:46 pm

A magazine for the youngs! These folks are right with the times.

Give that to the average American teenager, and she (or he) will keep swiping an index finger across the cover wondering why it has broken so quickly because nothing is changing.

Tommy1733 March 26, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Those poor, poor kids.

Joey_Blau March 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Every woman on Earth will kill the vast majority of humans in egg form that she creates. Think of this when you choose your helpmeet.

An_Outhouse March 26, 2012 at 3:47 pm

"one of the authors is … involved with George Mason University"

Elitist snobs, all of them. Is the wonder bread on the cover a stock photo? That could be an ad for StormFront.

coolhandnuke March 26, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I prefer their sister publication "Guns and Emo."

MissTaken March 26, 2012 at 3:51 pm

And the children's publication "Guns and Elmo"

coolhandnuke March 26, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Don't forget the oldz publication "Gums and Jello."

bagofmice March 26, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Don't forget the catholic version, which exposes their habits. "Nuns and Chemo".

Pop_Socket March 26, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Or the Warner Brothers cartoons "Guns and Elmer".

SorosBot March 26, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Elmo have fun ruining Sesame Street franchise!

DerrickWildcat March 26, 2012 at 3:48 pm

How much should my unborn child be taxed?

Baconzgood March 26, 2012 at 3:48 pm

"The vast majority will have sex at some time in their lives"

It's true. I'm jerking off right now! Which is "sex" in a kinda way.

mrbubb March 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

It's sex with someone you love. (Thanks, Woody!)

Designer_Rants March 26, 2012 at 11:15 pm

"Save your penis babbies!" ~Rick Santorum

Blueb4sunrise March 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Next issue:
FAPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How To

SoBeach March 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Thanks to this magazine kids today won't have to settle for bootleg Playboys and National Lampoon.

gullywompr March 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Blond-haired, blue-eyed, and steeped in right-wing ideology from youth… Now, where have I heard that before…

prommie March 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm

They should have called it Youth and Homeland.

SheriffRoscoe March 26, 2012 at 3:51 pm

We know that if they ever resort to sarcasm they will label it (sarcasm) as is customary at FreeRepublic dot com. Labeling stuff is a conservative thing, we guess?

docterry6973 March 26, 2012 at 4:03 pm

It means what we SAY it means, punk!

An_Outhouse March 26, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Ronald Regan, Our First Black President?

I don't think it should take 1091 words to answer that question. Someone want to read it and give us a summary?

4TheTurnstiles March 26, 2012 at 3:52 pm

OT but should be shouted from every mountaintop (in language your Conservative Teen will understand):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMp98aM-Svg

dubyatf March 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm

That video gets the Terrorist Fist Bump of the Decade.
Frickin' AWRSOME.
I'm off to post it to Facebook.

LakeLucilleLoon March 26, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Thanks so much for that. Just sent it to all of my conservative relatives that like to "overshare" their views via email. I get to see them on Easter. I will ask them in person how much they liked it….on that note, on the phone with my father yesterday, he reminded me that a few of my Aunts and Uncles still watch Rush and he hoped that I wouldn't stir up any discord amongst the family unit on Easter Sunday. This is a family that used to argue politics at family gatherings and often times we children would be gathered up and taken home prematurely when the arguments grew too heated. Now, as a second generation free-thinker I'm told to keep my mouth shut so as not to stir up trouble? Oy, family, can't live with 'em and can't live without 'em. My Palin worshipping extended family will once again ask if "I know Sarah Palin" because we live in the same town. I will once again reply, "I don't know her but I know she's stupid". That always gets the laughs!

BaldarTFlagass March 26, 2012 at 3:52 pm

So, National Lampoon is back in business?!? Hooray!!!

gullywompr March 26, 2012 at 3:52 pm

You know who else… aw fuck it, of course you do.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

The website displays some really "cutting edge" photos in the masthead: Ronald Reagan, the space-shuttle Challenger, Arnold Schwarzenegger sucking his thumb (I think…it's kind of small), the Constitution….

Preacher_Griz March 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
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fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap

Nostrildamus March 26, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Thanks for the clerical point of view, Preach.

Urban_Achiever March 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

What did conservatives learn from Titanic? That if you're rich, white, and are carrying a firearm, then you can get yourself on a lifeboat ahead of everyone else.

HistoriCat March 26, 2012 at 4:55 pm

And if your money and your firearm won't do the trick, use a child as a prop.

Eve8Apples March 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

"When a husband and wife have sex, they express their love for each other…."

That's special. What happens when a conservative GOP Senator like David Vitter visits a prostitute for sexytime? What is he expressing there? Or when former GOP Senator David Ensign screws his former aide and then has his parents pay off the aide's husband? What is Senator Ensign saying by those actions? Or when former GOP Governor Mark Sanford hikes the Appalachian Trail looking for a hot piece of Argentinian ass? What happens to the marriage bond? And we can't forget former GOP Senator Larry Craig's sexual adventures in the airport restroom? What was he trying to say to the fella in the stall next to him? Young conservative minds need to know the answers to these important questions so they can better bond with the holier than thou GOP.

SkinnyNerd March 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

This certainly must be a joke of some kind. If it is not, I am putting a gas pump to my head.

smitallica March 26, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I found their article, "Backdoor Blues: Am I Still a Virgin After Anal?" to be very informative.

meatpuppet2 March 26, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Why are the 25percenters constantly getting 75% of the attention with this crap. In the media, on these blogs. They don't represent the vast majority so why do people keep treating them like they do?

LakeLucilleLoon March 26, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Humor?

prommie March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

That haunted look in the eyes of Santorum's daughters, that look of fragile desperation, now I know why. They were forced to read this.

Serolf_Divad March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Does it say on the cover who translated the articles from the original German?

extreme_left March 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm

i'm waiting for their fashionable new range of brown shirts and articles on the joy of gliding and physical exercise.

Mumbletypeg March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

”shaped by Judeo-Christian (Judeo: Juaism; Judaism: religion of the Jewish people) culture and the …”

“of all time (Cameo: a small role…)

Enough parentheticals to get these youth accustomed to the interruptus copia sure to win their future.

Crank_Tango March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Is this a magazine, or a dictionary for ret-, er, specials?

Fukui-sanYesOta March 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm

The new way: That's totally redacted. I think they're all redacts.

anniegetyerfun March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Their associated website is EPIC. It is exactly the kind of layout that will appeal to closeted gay male teens with severe OCD, a love of all things Exeter and preppy; young men destined to marry pretty debutantes, run for office, and then fool around with various rentboys until caught at age 45.

BornInATrailer March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

All the cover is missing is the page number for the The Lebensborn and You article.

gullywompr March 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I just noticed this issue of the "quarterly" came out last November. Where's the next issue? Did they run out of ideology, or are they stll counting the words? I think the baggers that bought subscriptions for their grandchildren were seriously ripped off.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 26, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Page 42: top five brands of wine cooler for the most effective date rape.
Page 53: why people with vaginas will never be as good as people with penises.

dadanarchist March 26, 2012 at 3:57 pm

The Conservative Teen is a much catchier title than the original: Racists, Cranks, Whiners and Scolds Quarterly

MissTaken March 26, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Why the Unborn Need Our Protection

Sponsored by the United Wire Hanger Makers of America.

soeoho March 26, 2012 at 3:58 pm

It's OK folks, I found an ad for Watermellon Mallets and highly descriptive How-To manual with career opportunities. Dees kidz will be groad up fein.

meatpuppet2 March 26, 2012 at 3:59 pm

These clowns still cannot get over the fact that Couric totally ambushed their goddess of all things grift by asking that now famous 'gotcha' question "what do you like to read"

Jus_Wonderin March 26, 2012 at 4:01 pm

It has to be said, those blonde kids would (may) have beautiful babies.

Serolf_Divad March 26, 2012 at 6:35 pm

They would already if Lilith's GOP state party Chairman father hadn't spirited her out of state two weeks ago for a hush, hush abortion (you don't think she was really out sick that week of school she missed, do you?)

SpeedoFart March 26, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Oh god, this makes me hope for a "Conservative Teen" cover model sexuality scandal! In like two weeks from now, we need to find out that 1) this is a stock photo and b) both of the blondies are teh ghey.

WiscDad March 26, 2012 at 4:02 pm

"otherwise you might have sex with one of them or something" You know what they say…once you go liberal you never go back

dadanarchist March 26, 2012 at 4:02 pm

"Actually one of the authors is somehow involved with George Mason University Koch Brothers University

FIXED – as in, the fix is in

ph7 March 26, 2012 at 4:02 pm

The cover blond is wearing a keffiyeh? A big fuck you to her clueless conservative editors, no doubt!

Jerri March 26, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Do you think the uncut version of that sentence went like this:

The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives, despite our best efforts to stop them.

Or like this:
The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives, contributors to this magazine excepted.

rickmaci March 26, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Wonder if they covered their tracks with the stock "clean cut white kids" cover art? You just know that photo is from some photo catalog.

Jerri March 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

"Highlights for Children" has taken a strange editorial turn.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Oh my god…they clearcut the Timbertoes!

(Actually, I always found that feature freakish and scary anyway)

Jerri March 26, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Items hidden in this picture:
American Flag Pin
A Fetus
Aspirin
The Bible
An American Flag
Trans-vaginal ultrasound wand

Can you circle them all?

Pop_Socket March 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

It's all Gallant, no Goofus.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Gingrich-Goofus 2016!

tessiee March 27, 2012 at 10:56 am

We already had Goofus 2000-2008.

Callyson March 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

"Welcome to the Debt Paying Generation"
Yes, this generation will be paying a fortune…in student loans, to cover the cuts that lead to tuition increases and financial aid reductions that the conservatives pushed on them.
Assholes.

BarackMyWorld March 26, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Wait…if these teens have to pay Obama's debt….I was a teen when Reagan was president…hmmm….

docterry6973 March 26, 2012 at 4:07 pm

So does Brian Williams give Obama part of his NBC salary? Which one of them can sing 'Let's Stay Together'? This is very confusing.

RadioStalingrad March 26, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Now on newstands everywhere in Obamaville.

north_of_moscow March 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I'm reading it ironically.

GOPCrusher March 26, 2012 at 5:37 pm

While drinking a PBR and wearing skinny jeans?

DrunkIrishman March 26, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I'm glad they told me what a cameo was because, for a second there, I thought they were saying Katie Couric turned into a car. That racked my brain.

prommie March 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Your name is redundant.

DrunkIrishman March 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Prommie!

prommie March 26, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Faith and begorrah! Let me get my shillelegh!

SayItWithWookies March 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Ben-Hur was about a Jewish guy in a country that owned slaves; Titanic, in case the author of the article seemed not to notice, was all about class warfare as well as the foolish complacency of the well-to-do; and The Lord of the Rings was about a world without Christianity, where humans only played a small role in a vast multicultural setting. But hey, they're on a roll, so why stop 'em now?

prommie March 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm

America was founded on ancient principles, like the principle that rich people could own poor people, and kill them if they got out of line.

weej_bain March 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm

A magazine for the ROI polloi spawn.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Dear santa, all I want for christmas forever is for a wonkette writer to go undercover and write subversive articles for this publication.

terriblyfamous March 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Yeah, that cover is what the Nazis had in mind.

CapnFatback March 26, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Judging by the amount of time, effort, thought, and something the Conservative Teen editors put into the magazine, they should expect a pretty crappy ROI of something.

north_of_moscow March 26, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Thank you, Wonkette. My entire office has ground to a halt, we're all doubled over in laughter. Someone is printing out the back cover to make a motivational poster. Monday has been saved!

prommie March 26, 2012 at 4:39 pm

That back cover is now on my wall. It makes me want to sing "Let The Eagle Soar."

Jus_Wonderin March 26, 2012 at 4:18 pm

"Here is a magazine called The Conservative Teen, whose first issue is miraculously FREE and ONLINE for you to read in its entirety…."

Free? I doubt it. I bet they are presently figuring out how to screw the middle class with a tax for the printing and the paper/pages are actually dehydrated poors.

BarackMyWorld March 26, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Media Research Center presents Stock Photo Monthly.

Blueb4sunrise March 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Yep. Prompted by rickmaci just above, I went looking for photo credits and couldn't find any. Cartoons are all signed by the artist of course.

RadioStalingrad March 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I don't get the "Teen" part.

spareme March 26, 2012 at 4:22 pm

The next issues' headline: "The Advantages of Home Schooling your College Student".

DerrickWildcat March 26, 2012 at 4:23 pm

A good example of why you should never sign up for a photostock shoot. Your face ends up on things like this.
http://www.shutterstock.com/cat.mhtml?lang=en&amp

Blueb4sunrise March 26, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Was just doing that too.
Heh. #1 googlez for "girl with clapperboard"
http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_lo

DerrickWildcat March 26, 2012 at 4:55 pm

U R h0T111!!

sullivanst March 26, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Sharkey March 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

HA!

HistoriCat March 26, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Keywords:
attractive, beautiful, beauty, boy, boyfriend, carefree, casual, caucasian, charming, class, classroom, college, confident, couple, cute, desk, female, fresh, friends, friendship, girl, girlfriend, happy, high, highschool, kids, lifestyle, male, man, natural, people, person, school, smile, student, study, successful, sweet, table, teen, teenage, teenager, together, two, woman, young, youth

docterry6973 March 26, 2012 at 5:46 pm

All of 'em, Katie.

swordfis March 26, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Let a thousand new memes bloom

FlownOver March 26, 2012 at 4:26 pm

And the edition for militaristic tops: Buns and Camo.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Personally, I can't wait for the Spring Break issue! All those teats!

Pop_Socket March 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Taliban Approved(TM)

Fuck Toad March 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

When I saw that picture my right arm involuntarily jerked up and out. It was only quick thinking that kept me from doing the ol' roman salute right in the office.

Jukesgrrl March 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Home-schooled. (Proper spelling homeskoold. When your mommy reads the Bible to you instead of making you go to school and sit next to colored people and libruls. Also TV during the day. Rick Santorum to learn religion and Herman Cain to learn the maths, even though he is African because … 999 pizza.)

Trinket March 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Written by idiot grownups, for an audience whom they assume has about a third-grade reading level. Jesus.

larrykat March 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm

(Grownups: people that are supposed to have more wisdom than teens and do not understand that real teens will see right through any horseshit.)

Pop_Socket March 26, 2012 at 4:33 pm

This month's cover featuring Quinn and Trouty Mouth from Glee.

CountryClubJihadi March 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm

That looks like the German DVD cover of "Flowers in the Attic".

mavenmaven March 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm

No pictures of Donny Osmond, David Cassidy or Bobby Sherman? I mean, the age group of the writers is pretty clear.

clblabin March 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm

"Sex is normal and natural."

Isn't that why they're against it?

prommie March 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

If you are doing it right, its neither.

Pop_Socket March 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm

John Stoessel contributes to that rag? Cancel my subscription.

BarackMyWorld March 26, 2012 at 5:02 pm

"Libertarian View: Government Creates Poverty" by John Stossel.

Time to vomit.

SheriffRoscoe March 26, 2012 at 5:10 pm

"Regrettably, we were unable to reach the minimum number of subscribers required to mass print the first issue of The Conservative Teen magazine."

Hey Conservative Teen, the free market called, it told us to tell you you suck.

JimNauseam March 26, 2012 at 4:43 pm

I did it. I followed the link and read the whole magazine, and GOOD LORD. Highlights include "How To Draw Obama", a painterly discussion of what color to make his fat lips, and an article that Explains Liberalism. This thing is practically a hate crime.

tihond March 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm

My favorite article was "Want to Stay a Virgin: Put it in her Butt."

GOPCrusher March 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Or Youth and Fatherland.

Guppy March 26, 2012 at 4:48 pm

"Why Abstinence Works?"

Two words they won't have to define in parentheticals: "data" and "statistics."

GOPCrusher March 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Written by Bristol Palin

Antispandex March 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm

“Why Abstinence Works And How It Can Work For You”

Leaving this on the coffee table? WORST. DATING. MOVE. EVER!

(Just a little tip from your old pal, the non-home schooled, Mr. Antispandex)

Chet Kincaid March 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm

THE FANTASTIC TEEN
The Magazine of the Sue & Johnny Storm Lifestyle

fuflans March 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm

this should go well.

fartknocker March 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm

The look about old enough to go fight in the next war the Republicans are dreaming of.

estreet4ever March 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I pre-screen all my teenagers reading materials (oh, that's right, I forgot to have kids) and found this to be one lovely publication. While it was hard to pick a favorite, for me it's a tie between a cartoon with a soldier's tombstone on page 13 labeled "Laugh Out Loud Funny," and anything Stossel. I wonder if they accept content from anyone under 50?

Redhead March 26, 2012 at 5:08 pm

You mean the same group of old white blowhards who like to tell women what to do with their ladybits and what medical procedures are necessary and not necessary might try to tell teens what to do with their lives, despite not having been a teenager for the past 5,000 years?

Well bring the smelling salts, I'm just shocked.

owhatever March 26, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Dear Conservative Teen Advisor,
Why can't I marry the guy I love? Is it because we're too young? We're both sixteen.
Thank you,
Bob

comrad_darkness March 26, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I didn't realize the 15-year-old angry coot and codger market was that large.

larrykat March 26, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I especially liked the "How to Draw Obama" article.

NewtsChicknNeck March 26, 2012 at 5:35 pm

These Children aren't Blond enough or White enough!!! Goddamn it, James! We need them to look more mormon-y.

Nostrildamus March 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Don't have the time now. Will look at it when I'm done with my copy of "Young Muslim Socialist".

starfanglednut March 26, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Wonketeers, do you want to be a writer? You can submit your essay (your own work,1500 words or less, grammatically correct) to support@theconservativeteen.com. Looks great on a CV!

Eve8Apples March 26, 2012 at 5:43 pm

"Why Abstinence Works"
Is this authored by a Palin kid?

Fukui-sanYesOta March 26, 2012 at 5:50 pm

I like the cartoon on page thirteen. It's a picture of a gravestone under a tree with the caption "there's a reason why you never got a bill for the freedom you enjoy", and the gravestone says "US Soldiers"

The piece is labelled "Laugh Out Loud!"

I think this is some kind of meta art.

GunToting[Redacted] March 26, 2012 at 7:54 pm

There are not enough faces nor palms.

Wile E. Quixote March 27, 2012 at 1:53 am

I think the "Laugh Out Loud" part refers to the fact that the idea that conservatives like Jonah Goldberg, Andrew Breitbart, James O'Keefe, Tucker Carlson, Ted Nugent, Dick Cheney, Rich Lowry, Rush Limbaugh, Tom Tancredo, William Kristol, Sean Hannity, Michael Savage, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney's kids, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Matthew Boyle (to name a few, there are many more) would ever get off of their lazy asses and join the military is completely and totally laughable.

Dashboard Buddha March 26, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Huh…white and blond on the cover. What are the odds?

LakeLucilleLoon March 26, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I can't believe they don't discuss oral and anal as alternatives to abstinence. Withholding information from our teens makes Jesus weep.

Wile E. Quixote March 27, 2012 at 1:56 am

Nor do they mention facials or the always popular titty-fuck.

extreme_left March 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm

all that is missing is how itz tha joos who have all tha moniez

Boojum March 26, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Quick. OMFG. Somebody with adobe, create a .pdf from website for the entire longboys site. There is no protection.

Biff March 26, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Oh for fuck's sake, how did I ever live to my ripe old age without this fucking shit?

ElPinche March 26, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Nothing says teen like John Stossel and creepy guy Michael Reagan.

SpeedoFart March 26, 2012 at 6:30 pm

It appears that the writers have a grasp on how stupid any "Conservative Teen"* must be. Which is a plus, I suppose.

*Is it me, or does that just seem like a hate group in the making?

djmcs March 26, 2012 at 6:36 pm

The Conservative Teen couldn't find any conservative teens so…
http://www.123rf.com/photo_2223842_portrait-of-a-

Biff March 26, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Imagine that, ready-made conservative teen stock photos!

rocktonsam March 26, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Next issue, Bristol Palin guest column on being an unwed slut mom, a millionaire without a high school diploma and how to yell at fags.

WordSaladNation March 26, 2012 at 6:57 pm

That boy had better watch his pooper, is all I'm saying.

starfanglednut March 26, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Looks like a bottom to me.

djmcs March 26, 2012 at 7:13 pm

For some reason The Conservative Teen went with the other photo…
http://fr.123rf.com/photo_2369930_il-s-39-agit-d-

whatupirondog March 26, 2012 at 7:18 pm

At least SOMEBODY remembers Cameo. "Word Up" is a classic!

C_R_Eature March 26, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Dear "Conservative Teen":

I thought all the letters here were fake, but then I stayed after school one time with my Math Teacher, one thing led to another and all of a sudden she was my first Wife!!

I have lots and lots of great ideas! Can I write for you?

– Sincerely, Newton.

bnerd85 March 26, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I actually think the Titanic metaphor is apt. What can a Conservative do? Make sure the rich have lifeboats and the poor die in the cold abyss! After all, they must have done something to deserve to die; like wearing hoodies…

thefrontpage March 26, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Here's some of the major, full-length articles in the current issue of Conservative Teen magazine:

1. The Benefits of Felching and Cleveland Steamers

2. 101 Easy Steps to Becoming A Successful Porn Star

3. My Life with John Holmes

4. The 25 Best Lesbian Nightclubs in the United States

5. Jenna Jameson: A Candid Interview

6. How to Get a Great Internship with Planned Parenthood!!

7. The Wonderful World of NARAL

8. My Summer With Greenpeace: What Great Memories!!

9. Incest: Why it's Good for You

10. I Was a Teenage Gun Control Advocate

orygoon March 26, 2012 at 8:16 pm

If either The Heir or The Spare had brought such a thing home during their teen years, they would have needed to tuck it under the Playboys under their mattresses.

To be fair to the boys, if either had brought such a thing home, ever, it would have been as an object of ridicule.

sullivanst March 26, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Are we sure this isn't some highly developed hoax?

The full name of the server hosting the mag is:

krtins.longboys.net

krtins?

Maybe their hosting company just doesn't have a high opinion of them…

ibwilliamsi March 26, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Why do they not know that they are in debt because of Bush' unfunded mandates and wars?

elfgoldsackring March 26, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Hey, Conservative Teens, want to make some sweet college money, like Stacey and Kurt on our cover? Ever thought of modeling? Send in your details and one of our recruiters will arrange to pick you up and take you directly to one of our ultra-hip converted warehouse studios. No need to involve the 'rents, let's make it all a big surprise!

Veritas78 March 26, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Dear Conservative Teen,
My step-dad says if I don't suck the pus out of his tumor he'll die. Can you suggest any other treatment tips? (Tumor: something you must suck the pus out of.)

KotBR March 26, 2012 at 11:31 pm

"The vast majority will have sex at some time in their lives"

Including these two on the cover-about 30 minutes after the shoot wrapped.

LadyWisdom March 27, 2012 at 12:30 am

I just went through the whole magazine. It is seriously bad. Nobody's going to read that but Fox-addled geezers.

Wile E. Quixote March 27, 2012 at 1:58 am

Oh, I don't know, I think that they're going to kill with the Grit demographic.

MosesInvests March 27, 2012 at 12:41 am

Tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs, tomorrow belongs to me….

Wile E. Quixote March 27, 2012 at 1:55 am

I was thinking of rewriting that a bit and seeing if I could get the kids at CPAC to sing it next year.

Wile E. Quixote March 27, 2012 at 2:06 am

Can I do my own ad about bias in the media? It would have the caption "It's hard to tell who's talking sometimes, especially when they've got a mouthful of greasy cock" and would show David Gregory down on his knees fellating Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Arlen Spector or any other guest on "Press the Meat."

ttommyunger March 27, 2012 at 7:46 am

Single thought bubble over both heads: "So, sucking dick means I'm still a virgin, right?"

DahBoner March 27, 2012 at 7:54 am

ROBOTS COULD DO THIS JOB…

Leopold Stotch March 27, 2012 at 11:04 am

I'm actually kind of flabbergasted you guys missed the best line of all (in the TOC):
"Ronald Reagan: Our First Black President"

johnetic March 27, 2012 at 11:25 am

That photo of Brian Williams reminds me of They Live!

tawk March 27, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Know I'm late to this party, but about that ad … Strange how the text box is shaped so that "Nig" can be seen, but not "htly News." I'm sure its a coincidence, right Media Research Center?

Catabite March 28, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Sex is normal an natural- unless it's gay sex, in which case you must keep it secret, especially if your youth minister is involved.

davidjwhitehill March 28, 2012 at 9:22 pm
PNWTom March 28, 2012 at 11:29 pm
lisawines March 29, 2012 at 6:28 am

All of you most excellent pilers-oners should be proud for the Daily Beast mention: http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/03/h

HELisforHEL March 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

"Brian Williams is secretly black and the president."
That explains his love of blues music and BBQ at a Certain Restaurant Run By A Black Man in his neighboring town. PROOF!1!!!11!!

JustPixelz March 31, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I'm very late to this party. The website is GONE! Thanks a lot wonkette for ridiculing this Important Voice into the dustbin of history.

musicmoney21 March 31, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Check out the only musician and guess what he's not country to be on the capaign trail w/ every GOP hopeful. from Romney to Paul http://www.chrishollymusic.com

lulzmonger April 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Wow! Look, kids! The latest Republikanerjugend Monats!

Oh, wait, I just remembered: I think there's some edge-of-your-seat lists of ingredients I need to enjoy first. Or perhaps also too, 64 pages of lorem ipsum, for that matter.

actor212 March 26, 2012 at 4:08 pm

*whew*

I was hoping I wouldn't have to answer my own post…

C_R_Eature March 26, 2012 at 7:59 pm

"And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel."

Oh, God. They're everywhere….

paulabflat March 27, 2012 at 12:05 pm

oh, john stuart mill of his own free on a half a pint of shandy was particularly ill…

Judith_Priest March 28, 2012 at 7:07 pm

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ye 'bout the raisin' of the wrist.

Socrates himself was permanently pissed!

Mumbletypeg March 27, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Missouri! My folks moved there from Tennessee and are now in Springfield. I avoid visiting as much as possible — although the cigarette state-tax rivals even Virginia's here, it's probably rock bottom nationwide — and you definitely get enough a whiff of Branson-grade tourist-p0rn to figure rightwing crazies aren't far out of reach.

Designer_Rants March 27, 2012 at 7:12 pm

I smoke like some sort of smoke fiend when I'm driving alone. But in the car with the fam, no smokes. I had to wait every 2 hours for someone to have to pee or poop or cry too long to get outside and light up. Just like at work.

gurukalehuru March 28, 2012 at 1:42 pm

and Rene DesCartes was a drunken old fart, I drink therefore I am

Judith_Priest March 28, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Plato, they say, could pack away half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle;
Hobbes was fond of his dram.

C_R_Eature March 28, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!

Great Screen Name, BTW.

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