Amazing Magazine ‘The Conservative Teen’ Has A Lot To Say, None Of It By Teens

  the glossies

PRETTY BLONDES

Today is a good day. Here is a magazine called The Conservative Teen, whose first issue is miraculously FREE and ONLINE for you to read in its entirety. The Conservative Teen appears to essentially be one of those “$4.99 ORDINARILY BUT FOR YOU, FREE!” fake magazines like Raw Life Today, or whatever, that sneak their way into your doctor’s waiting room. Except with The Conservative Teen, what we have is not product-touting, but idea-touting. IDEAS. Finally, some ideas. Like how to always have a baby at any time. And to never watch Glee. And of course, because the titular reader of this magazine doesn’t know anything because they are home-schooled in a patient manner, the articles in The Conservative Teen are written by grownups, who all happen to be involved with either The Heritage Foundation, Fox Business News, the Family Research Council or the Media Research Center. Fun fun fun!

These people just love writing for magazines (one magazine, this “magazine”) in their spare time — so what? Actually one of the authors is somehow involved with George Mason University, and he is a PROFESSOR, maybe, or maybe a student, or he mows the lawns, or he polishes the bust of George Mason that sits in the middle of the quad, but anyway, he does stuff at a place that people pay to make them seem smart, so he was chosen to write an article called “Understanding Liberals.” Just don’t understand them too well, blonde, blue-eyed teens/rejected Abercrombie models from Scandinavia, otherwise you might have sex with one of them or something.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, because the ad on the inside cover of this magazine alone is worth discussing, or at least looking at. Here it is:

actually...

 
Related video

That was that. Brian Williams is secretly black and the president. Moving on.

Because conservatives don’t actually like to read, in the table of contents of this first issue of TCT, each article is listed with its word count, e.g. “1799 words,” as a warning, and so that readers may know that they must set aside five to six hours for each.

The first article is a beautiful thing about Glee that details so much about this show, it is clear that the author secretly has seen every episode six times. The author also knows the material that the locker room bench that Lea Michele sat on in her scandalous GQ photo shoot is made of (“pine”). The “section” of the magazine that this falls under is “Liberal Bias,” naturally. The article also makes sure to define any big words that might appear daunting to young whites:

THANK YOU

Thank you, we were wondering.

The next article, “An Oscar Take On The Culture War,” argues that Oscar-winning films Ben-Hur, Titanic WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY JAMES CAMERON and The Lords of the Rings: The Return of the King “nicely capture America as it was and as it is — and what you as a young conservative can do about it.” See, America right now is just like Titanic WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY JAMES CAMERON because it is … a sinking ship. And what you can do, young conservative, is figure out a way to prevent a large vessel with a gaping hole in it from sinking. Do it.

Later on, there is an article about how teens don’t know anything about U.S. history. This is because:

Although the Constitution vests legislative powers in Congress, the majority of “laws” today are promulgated in the form of “regulations” by bureaucrats (bureaucrat: a person of the government who does everything according to the rules of that government) who are mostly unaccountable and invisible to the public.

Which laws are laws, and which are “laws”? Glad you asked. Roe v. Wade is a “law.” The Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act of 2011 is a law. Obamacare is a “law.” National Bible Day is a law.

Later on, we are told what Judaism is, because your parents probably “forgot” to tell you during that history lesson conducted while Dancing With The Stars was on:

you learn something new every day

And here is a great definition of the word “ROI” for young innocent minds:

SOMETHINGGGG

OH GOD THERE IS JUST SO MUCH HERE, WE’RE ONLY ON PAGE 30 of 52. But we must end now, to save your poor scrolling fingers. So we will end with an excerpt from a piece called, “Why Abstinence Works And How It Can Work For You”:

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives. Enjoy this whole thing, which, by the way, is hosted at a domain called LongBoys.net! Bye.

Related

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

356 comments

    1. KennyFuckingPowers

      I'd jackboot my way goose stepping into that Hitler Yout complex. The blonde hair. The blue eyes. Is she from Norwegia? I don't need that brother of hers cockblocking me for the Lord though. Dammit!

      1. dubyatf

        Either Norwegia or Swedland, fur shuur. Ding-a-ding-a-doohr, and don't forget the "Uff da."
        I *think* (read hope) that most teens, even Conservatives, will be insulted/bored/cynically amused by this unsubtle attempt to "mold their minds." The teenage mind don't NEED no gee dee molding, Oldsters! Going out on a limb here but I daresay that the only teens who will read this are those who are already thoroughly, hopelessly indoctrinated– and by virtue of same have been robbed of all that makes childhood glorious–or middle aged wingers whose emotional development locked up when they were 13 when their peepows started to act of their own volition.

  1. ph7

    That boy on the cover is wearing a hoodie. Caveat emptor and nice knowing you!

    (Did you know? Caveat emptor is a good term for a capitalist to use when you swindle someone, and want to blame the sucker you tricked!)

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Good catch. But the hoodie is red and probably has "www.RedState.com" written on the front of it. If Trevon Martin had only worn the "right" hoodie, he would be here today to watch subversive programs like Glee.

  2. SorosBot

    "We've never seen such blatant cheerleading for a president and his agenda". Um, it looks like somebody missed George Bush and the whole run up to the invasion of Iraq.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      "And by "agenda", we mean, "something OTHER than specifically only killing Muslims", because anything that isn't entirely about killing Muslims is dubbed "an agenda" in our special little world."

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Mr. Cheney's assistant. You know, the one who save The Republic when we were bombed by Saddam Hussein. Those weren't bombs? Well … you know.

    2. GemlikeFlame

      Damnit, SorosBot not only read my mind, but he/she worded it almost exactly the way I was about to. Guess I'll have to break down and thumbs up that post. Hey, anybody know what that number next to my nom du net really means? I read the tooltip about it, and it says I'm not very awesome.

      Which, come to think of it, is pretty much the majority opinion.

      1. SorosBot

        And here it was strange when my girlfriend and I shared the same thoughts and made very similar comments – now it's happening with random commenters too!

    3. MadBrahms

      I don't know, Soros. That time Charles Gibson put on a pleated skirt and did his "sis-boom-bah" routine for Obama was pretty blatant, even without the cartwheels.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives.

    Isaac Newton never did.

    1. dadanarchist

      I thought that was Immanuel Kant. When I studied philosophy, there were lots of jokes about his supposed virginity/homonymic puns on his last name…..

        1. MosesInvests

          'Eidegger, 'Eidegger was a boozy beggar who could drink you under the table…. (sorry, outbreak of Python Tourette's)

          1. C_R_Eature

            "And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel."

            Oh, God. They're everywhere….

          2. Judith_Priest

            Plato, they say, could pack away half a crate of whiskey every day.

            Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle;
            Hobbes was fond of his dram.

          3. Judith_Priest

            There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ye 'bout the raisin' of the wrist.

            Socrates himself was permanently pissed!

          4. C_R_Eature

            Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!

            Great Screen Name, BTW.

      1. EatFrankRich

        Just remember to read Critique of Pure Reason in the bathtub, because there's nothing better than a wet….

    2. DHarcavy

      Actually, Newton was gay and rumored to have had sex with a young Swiss mathematician named Fatio de Dullier.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Homeschooled: made to stay at home coloring all day so that no one would have to hear what Daddy did at night…

  4. Lascauxcaveman

    Needs more LOLCats, more Funny Charts, and more Hunger Games fan fiction, or my kid won't touch it.

    1. doloras

      Hunger Games is communist propaganda, suggesting there's something wrong with poors competing for the amusement of the idle and vapid rich. You mean An American Carol fan fiction.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        A tender lass of 16, my daughter doesn't know from communism. But she knows from shit.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Well, she is Catholic, and at least ostensibly pro-life; same way I was when I was 16 and had not yet the mental discipline to insist that all my firmly-held beliefs made sense.

            However, she's heard her daddy say "Jesus, this guy's an idiot" about Ricky S enough times to not automatically swallow everything he says. Mostly she just ignores politics.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Buffy and Chip on that magazine cover are two of the whitest people I've ever seen, and I've seen Johnnie and Edgar Winter in concert.

    2. doloras

      If you search-replace "liberal" with "Jewish", Conservative Teen = Völkischer Beobachter.

  5. anniegetyerfun

    It actually has a lot in common with Raw Life Today, because both groups of people are hoping for a rapidly-approaching apocalypse to wipe out most of humanity.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "Comet, it makes the Earth feel clean.
      Comet, taking humans to the Pliocene,
      Comet, it makes you…shit your pants.
      So get some Comet and…shit your pants today."

  6. littlebigdaddy

    I'm guessing there's a personals section at the back for those who may just be looking for a little same-sex underage companionship.

  7. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Oh, hey, sort of semi-related at best, but this weekend, Kid Zoom and I watched Louis CK's concert film Hilarious, which has this brilliant insight that is probably Not Approved by the American Family Association:

    Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never happened – THAT would be sad. If two people were married and they were really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero.… So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad and now they’re – I mean, they’re better. They’re not good. Life is shit wall to wall. But they’re better, so you should be happy.

    I'm thinking of getting the first part of that (up to "zero") made into a poster for the lobby of Family Court Services. The boss is out of town this week.

    1. sullivanst

      Of course, it's not actually true that no happily married couples ever divorced.

      Until the ACA's rating rules come into force in 2014, divorce is probably the only rational financial decision to make if you work for a small company through which your spouse receives medical benefits and your spouse is diagnose with one of the more expensive forms of cancer. See, if you make that big claim against your insurance, the insurer will threaten to jack your company's rates way up, so you'll be fired. Get divorced, and firing you won't save anything since your spouse will already be claiming through COBRA anyway. Once COBRA runs out, ex-spouse is likely to be far too sick to work, and medicaid should be available without threat to your assets.

      It is really sad, but that's the reality our FUBAR "health" "care" system has created.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Typical Librul, bringing facts and logic into it.

        Still, at least we still have the Freedom to get divorced to pay for our healthcare–and to go bankrupt after a medical emergency, too! You don't see Europeans exercising that kind of Liberty, now DO you?

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Why, this magazine is just a transparent tool for brainwashing (brainwash: a method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs, originated in totalitarian countries.) !

  9. KennyFuckingPowers

    I'm gonna hit that Young Republicans event in Pocatello. Got some X and a little green.
    If she holds the aspirin, try doggie.

    1. GreatChristiano

      Hey have you guys ever noticed how the color of a woman's lips almost always identically matches the color of her areolas?

      That's why I hate lipstick.

  10. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Titanic came out in '95…back when most teens were just glints in the liberal milkman's eye.

      1. Dr. Nick Riviera

        Hey, you're not alone. I was a teenager way back then. I had a crush on. Leonardo Di Caprio back when he was a devastatingly bad actor.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      At the time, nearly everyone in the office was swooning over this flick. I just wasn't interested. Sensitive liberal that I am, I just don't dig romance movies…especially sad ones. This practically made me a pariah in the office and folks were all, "Come DB, don't be a stick in the mud…come with us tomorrow night, you'll love it". Seriously, they were like the fucking moonies.

      I managed to hold out and one of my coworkers, knowing my political leanings, tried the rich vs. poor angle. "DB, they showed really well how the rich screwed over the steerage passengers"" Well, you know…I don't have to sit through a 2-3 hour long movie to know that the rich will ALWAYS get the fucking lifeboats, thank you very much.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      I didn't watch that movie until just last summer, and I only caught the second half of it (right when the iceberg hits the fan). Months later I managed to watch the whole thing from the beginning, and realized that if you took out the first 50 minutes (the part I missed first time around) it is easily one of the scariest horror movies ever.

      I'm hoping that years down the line Cameron catches wise and cuts out all the romancey crap to play to the Fangoria crowd.

      1. Designer_Rants

        Wasn't he just at the very bottom of the Marianas Trench yesterday? That's one of the most frightening things I can imagine. I think he goes down there regularly to drink mermaid blood or something, but this time he got caught and had some splainin' to do; "It's my first time! Woohoo!' Not buyin' it.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          I could totally see Cameron diving to the bottom of the ocean just to stare at the majesty of nature and say to himself, "Yeah. I made all this."

          I could also totally see Michael Bay's spank bank being filled with nothing but Megan Fox and B-reel of the Manhattan Project.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    "(bureaucrat: a person of the government who does everything according to the rules of that government)"

    (Republican: a person of the government who does everything according to his or her own rules and is surprised when he/she is indicted for it)

    1. GOPCrusher

      Wonder what the name is for someone who makes tax policy based on a piece of paper they signed that Grover Norquist gave them?

      1. CthuNHu

        They're just doing it to get campaign donations and to get elected, right? So they're doing it for a reward, right? What does that make them?

  12. MissTaken

    I'm looking forward to their review of the latest Prussian Blue single. I hear it's a gas!

      1. actor212

        Relevant quote:

        “My sister and I were home-schooled,” Lynx pointed out. “We were these country bumpkins. We spent most of our days up on the hill playing with our goats.”

        And, to no one's surprise, marijuana appears to have played a key role in their conversion.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          See? This is why I don't Despair For Our Children's Future.

          No matter how messed up you raise your kid, the world almost always gets several chances to make it much better. If the kid has a brain that works and two eyes in his/her head, it's impossible for them not to learn a thing or two after leaving the nest.

        2. dadanarchist

          It's part of the reason Republicans hate drugs.

          Under the sway of my conservative grandfather, I was a lil bible-reading, ditto-head, young-republican-in-the-works.

          And then I took LSD, got godless, and became a teenage anarchist punk.

        3. SorosBot

          No matter how horrible home schooling parents try to brainwash their kids, they don't always succeed – yay!

          1. doloras

            And this is why I hate that "eugenics 2.0" about how the stoopids and the Republicans shouldn't be allowed to "outbreed us". Stoopidity and Republicanism aren't hereditary any more than teh gay is. If they were I would be Michele Bachmann.

  13. anniegetyerfun

    The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives.

    Yes, but not all of them will be "husband and wife", right? Right, Newt?

    1. Geminisunmars

      Hey kids, you know what? It is only sex if it is (missionary) intercourse between a man and woman with the possible, if not actually desired, outcome being pregnancy. The rest may be fun, but it isn't sex.

  14. SmutBoffin

    When will they profile that hot new musical act that wrote the Santorum "Game Change" song?

    They're pretty hip and relate-able.

    1. ph7

      The blonde on the cover has me kinda wishing I was a teenage boy again. I'd pay for her birth control so Rush and other taxpayers wouldn't have to pay for her to have so much sex with me.

      1. Boojum

        I'm willing to bet it would be dull and unimaginative. At least until she was sufficiently edumacated.

  15. actor212

    each article is listed with its word count, e.g. “1799 words,”

    There must be entire emergency rooms in Alabama filled with teens with "tired lips syndrome".

    (lip: Either of two fleshy folds that surround the opening of your mouth that don't belong to your funny Uncle Ed that Mom always tries to avoid at Christmas under the misteltoe)

    1. Crank_Tango

      2. Those beefy flaps that done got tore up by uncle dad last night. Not the ones you put bright pink lipstick on. Or I guess you could, which would be original…

        1. Iam_Who_Iam

          My goodness, what will they think of next?

          Btw, why just pink? How about green? No? Maybe blue? It would come in handy for that bedroom game of Star Trek Captain and Alien Princess.

        2. PhillipMarlowe6

          Great Review ( a survey or evaluation of a particular subject : a review of recent developments in multicultural education.):
          This review is from: My New Pink Button – Audry (Health and Beauty)
          I tried this with a lady-friend as a bit of a joke.

          Unfortunately, when we opened the tin, we were blinded by what can best be described as celestial luminance. I have lost sight in both eyes, and I think the tin has gained sentience. Judging by the sound of things, it has killed the cat and taken its place.

          I'm certain we are next. I pray that it kills me first.

          Pros: Most memorable night ever.
          Cons: Alien parasites growing in my torso.

  16. Mumbletypeg

    The image of that blonde, vanillaesque couple screams "MORMON LITE."
    They've been careful to keep the girl clean of any *bling.* Why do conservapub's hate jewelry, was there some kind of Old Testament (Old Testament: sacred text of the Judeo [Judaism: Judaism: religion of the Jewish] people]) sanction that I missed?

    1. fuflans

      keep the girl clean of any *bling.*

      but when they're on their third or fourth marriage, bling is a prerequisite.

      1. Designer_Rants

        PRESERVE OUR HERITAGE — is the sign I just read on a large roadside cross a couple days ago, and your comment reminded me of it. And it was within 10 minutes of a "CHOOSE LIFE" and "Ron Paul" and …some other fundie sign. I was in an unfamiliar and unseemly part of my state, I suppose. THE END.

          1. Designer_Rants

            Iowa. I was driving the fam back home from a trip to the Alabama coast, Day Two. Which state did I see the weirdest, most backward, creepiest signs, you ask?
            Was it Alabama? no.
            How about Mississippi? Nope.
            Okay, Louisiana then. No, not there.
            Uh, Mississippi again? Nuh-uh.
            Tennessee? No, only drove through Memphis.
            Well, you went through Arkansas after that. That's the state that takes the cake, right? No.
            Not even Missouri.
            As I drove through the bottom-right corner of my state, I saw a lot of "bottom-right" roadside Fear-Graffiti. Iowa's a Purple State, but I guess that means we just have extremists that live and blend together?

            edit: I did see THIS in Missouri. Stay classy, Gas Station Restroom Vending Machine.

          2. Mumbletypeg

            Missouri! My folks moved there from Tennessee and are now in Springfield. I avoid visiting as much as possible — although the cigarette state-tax rivals even Virginia's here, it's probably rock bottom nationwide — and you definitely get enough a whiff of Branson-grade tourist-p0rn to figure rightwing crazies aren't far out of reach.

          3. Designer_Rants

            I smoke like some sort of smoke fiend when I'm driving alone. But in the car with the fam, no smokes. I had to wait every 2 hours for someone to have to pee or poop or cry too long to get outside and light up. Just like at work.

  17. poorgradstudent

    I'd love to see the pro-life article explaining why ovulation is like the Holocaust.

  18. Pithaughn

    they be on to something with the Titanic reference. Because re arranging the deck chairs and arguing over what the orchestra should play is pretty much the conservative agenda.

    1. bagofmice

      I'm just gonna say Cameron knows a thing or two about sinking ships, what with his dive down to the challenger deep in the marinara trench. In a submarine he designed. Deep stuff.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        There could be monsters in the Marinara Trench. I recommend bringing a good carbonara to fight them off with.

      1. doloras

        Or becoming a Young Republican because of bugging the popular liberal kids / making "contacts" to grease up the corporate pole later / rebelling against hippie parents.

  19. slithytoves

    "Conservative Teen." I can't read about it because just the title makes me sad. "Conservative teen" really should be an oxymoron.

  20. Tundra Grifter

    Why do they publish an entire magazine for an individual?

    It is titled "The Conservative Teen" because, in point of fact, in the whole US of A there is, indeed, just one.

    1. twaingirl

      Hmm, hate to show up with anecdotal evidence (not facts) but I teach in Cincy and many of my students are convinced that Bill O'Reilly is a reliable resource for information about climate change. And that Obama can control gas prices.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Next time ask them if they have a job and pay for their own gas, or do they use the credit card that Mummy and Daddy gave them.

  21. Doktor StrangeZoom

    The Founders read ONLY THE BIBLE. They never read no stinkin' Greeks or Locke and Hobbes. No way. Just Judeo-Christians all the way down (never mind that the term "Judeo-Christian" would have sounded like gibberish to them…)

      1. LesBontemps

        A Judeo is where the Lubavitchers show off their ridin', ropin' and bronc-bustin' skills, I think.

    1. Boojum

      Oh…this is still a warblog, amirite? Do they have letters to the editor or a comments section?

    2. Veritas78

      With a word count of 14, this might actually get read.

      Or whatever the past-tense of read is. Or was.

  22. Baconzgood

    This word count thing is a good idea. I was reading somthing in the New Yorker and thought "boy it was so interesting and in depth but if I knew it was 10,000 words I wouldn't read about the farce of 'election fraud'".

  23. PubOption

    Why all those word definitions? Surely a responsible, conservative teen should know how to use a dictionary.

  24. SheriffRoscoe

    Librul soshulist teens will instantly recognize ROI as being the word for "king," in French.

  25. docterry6973

    I just want to say that those two on the cover are the whitest people that I have ever seen in my 60 years on this planet.

    Oh, and if you know what abstinence is, then you already know how it works. Jeez.

  26. anniegetyerfun

    Wait, are they saying that Brian Williams and Barack Obama are the same person? Because that drastically changes several sexual fantasies of mine.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Have you ever seen the two of them together? And even if you had what would it prove? I had hot fantasies about being the meat in a Hayley Mills and her twin sister sandwich until someone explained to me that The Parent Trap was done with trick photography. Damn that was a sad day.

  27. Tundra Grifter

    A magazine for the youngs! These folks are right with the times.

    Give that to the average American teenager, and she (or he) will keep swiping an index finger across the cover wondering why it has broken so quickly because nothing is changing.

  28. Joey_Blau

    Every woman on Earth will kill the vast majority of humans in egg form that she creates. Think of this when you choose your helpmeet.

  29. An_Outhouse

    "one of the authors is … involved with George Mason University"

    Elitist snobs, all of them. Is the wonder bread on the cover a stock photo? That could be an ad for StormFront.

  30. Baconzgood

    "The vast majority will have sex at some time in their lives"

    It's true. I'm jerking off right now! Which is "sex" in a kinda way.

  31. SoBeach

    Thanks to this magazine kids today won't have to settle for bootleg Playboys and National Lampoon.

  32. gullywompr

    Blond-haired, blue-eyed, and steeped in right-wing ideology from youth… Now, where have I heard that before…

  33. SheriffRoscoe

    We know that if they ever resort to sarcasm they will label it (sarcasm) as is customary at FreeRepublic dot com. Labeling stuff is a conservative thing, we guess?

  34. An_Outhouse

    Ronald Regan, Our First Black President?

    I don't think it should take 1091 words to answer that question. Someone want to read it and give us a summary?

    1. dubyatf

      That video gets the Terrorist Fist Bump of the Decade.
      Frickin' AWRSOME.
      I'm off to post it to Facebook.

    2. LakeLucilleLoon

      Thanks so much for that. Just sent it to all of my conservative relatives that like to "overshare" their views via email. I get to see them on Easter. I will ask them in person how much they liked it….on that note, on the phone with my father yesterday, he reminded me that a few of my Aunts and Uncles still watch Rush and he hoped that I wouldn't stir up any discord amongst the family unit on Easter Sunday. This is a family that used to argue politics at family gatherings and often times we children would be gathered up and taken home prematurely when the arguments grew too heated. Now, as a second generation free-thinker I'm told to keep my mouth shut so as not to stir up trouble? Oy, family, can't live with 'em and can't live without 'em. My Palin worshipping extended family will once again ask if "I know Sarah Palin" because we live in the same town. I will once again reply, "I don't know her but I know she's stupid". That always gets the laughs!

  35. actor212

    The website displays some really "cutting edge" photos in the masthead: Ronald Reagan, the space-shuttle Challenger, Arnold Schwarzenegger sucking his thumb (I think…it's kind of small), the Constitution….

  36. Preacher_Griz

    fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
    fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
    fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
    fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap

  37. Urban_Achiever

    What did conservatives learn from Titanic? That if you're rich, white, and are carrying a firearm, then you can get yourself on a lifeboat ahead of everyone else.

  38. Eve8Apples

    "When a husband and wife have sex, they express their love for each other…."

    That's special. What happens when a conservative GOP Senator like David Vitter visits a prostitute for sexytime? What is he expressing there? Or when former GOP Senator David Ensign screws his former aide and then has his parents pay off the aide's husband? What is Senator Ensign saying by those actions? Or when former GOP Governor Mark Sanford hikes the Appalachian Trail looking for a hot piece of Argentinian ass? What happens to the marriage bond? And we can't forget former GOP Senator Larry Craig's sexual adventures in the airport restroom? What was he trying to say to the fella in the stall next to him? Young conservative minds need to know the answers to these important questions so they can better bond with the holier than thou GOP.

  39. SkinnyNerd

    This certainly must be a joke of some kind. If it is not, I am putting a gas pump to my head.

  40. smitallica

    I found their article, "Backdoor Blues: Am I Still a Virgin After Anal?" to be very informative.

  41. meatpuppet2

    Why are the 25percenters constantly getting 75% of the attention with this crap. In the media, on these blogs. They don't represent the vast majority so why do people keep treating them like they do?

  42. prommie

    That haunted look in the eyes of Santorum's daughters, that look of fragile desperation, now I know why. They were forced to read this.

    1. extreme_left

      i'm waiting for their fashionable new range of brown shirts and articles on the joy of gliding and physical exercise.

  43. Mumbletypeg

    ”shaped by Judeo-Christian (Judeo: Juaism; Judaism: religion of the Jewish people) culture and the …”

    “of all time (Cameo: a small role…)

    Enough parentheticals to get these youth accustomed to the interruptus copia sure to win their future.

  44. anniegetyerfun

    Their associated website is EPIC. It is exactly the kind of layout that will appeal to closeted gay male teens with severe OCD, a love of all things Exeter and preppy; young men destined to marry pretty debutantes, run for office, and then fool around with various rentboys until caught at age 45.

  45. BornInATrailer

    All the cover is missing is the page number for the The Lebensborn and You article.

  46. gullywompr

    I just noticed this issue of the "quarterly" came out last November. Where's the next issue? Did they run out of ideology, or are they stll counting the words? I think the baggers that bought subscriptions for their grandchildren were seriously ripped off.

  47. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Page 42: top five brands of wine cooler for the most effective date rape.
    Page 53: why people with vaginas will never be as good as people with penises.

  48. dadanarchist

    The Conservative Teen is a much catchier title than the original: Racists, Cranks, Whiners and Scolds Quarterly

  49. MissTaken

    Why the Unborn Need Our Protection

    Sponsored by the United Wire Hanger Makers of America.

  50. soeoho

    It's OK folks, I found an ad for Watermellon Mallets and highly descriptive How-To manual with career opportunities. Dees kidz will be groad up fein.

  51. meatpuppet2

    These clowns still cannot get over the fact that Couric totally ambushed their goddess of all things grift by asking that now famous 'gotcha' question "what do you like to read"

    1. Serolf_Divad

      They would already if Lilith's GOP state party Chairman father hadn't spirited her out of state two weeks ago for a hush, hush abortion (you don't think she was really out sick that week of school she missed, do you?)

    2. SpeedoFart

      Oh god, this makes me hope for a "Conservative Teen" cover model sexuality scandal! In like two weeks from now, we need to find out that 1) this is a stock photo and b) both of the blondies are teh ghey.

  52. WiscDad

    "otherwise you might have sex with one of them or something" You know what they say…once you go liberal you never go back

  53. ph7

    The cover blond is wearing a keffiyeh? A big fuck you to her clueless conservative editors, no doubt!

  54. Jerri

    Do you think the uncut version of that sentence went like this:

    The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives, despite our best efforts to stop them.

    Or like this:
    The vast majority of people will have sex at some time during their lives, contributors to this magazine excepted.

  55. rickmaci

    Wonder if they covered their tracks with the stock "clean cut white kids" cover art? You just know that photo is from some photo catalog.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Oh my god…they clearcut the Timbertoes!

      (Actually, I always found that feature freakish and scary anyway)

      1. Jerri

        Items hidden in this picture:
        American Flag Pin
        A Fetus
        Aspirin
        The Bible
        An American Flag
        Trans-vaginal ultrasound wand

        Can you circle them all?

  56. Callyson

    "Welcome to the Debt Paying Generation"
    Yes, this generation will be paying a fortune…in student loans, to cover the cuts that lead to tuition increases and financial aid reductions that the conservatives pushed on them.
    Assholes.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Wait…if these teens have to pay Obama's debt….I was a teen when Reagan was president…hmmm….

  57. docterry6973

    So does Brian Williams give Obama part of his NBC salary? Which one of them can sing 'Let's Stay Together'? This is very confusing.

  58. DrunkIrishman

    I'm glad they told me what a cameo was because, for a second there, I thought they were saying Katie Couric turned into a car. That racked my brain.

  59. SayItWithWookies

    Ben-Hur was about a Jewish guy in a country that owned slaves; Titanic, in case the author of the article seemed not to notice, was all about class warfare as well as the foolish complacency of the well-to-do; and The Lord of the Rings was about a world without Christianity, where humans only played a small role in a vast multicultural setting. But hey, they're on a roll, so why stop 'em now?

    1. prommie

      America was founded on ancient principles, like the principle that rich people could own poor people, and kill them if they got out of line.

  60. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Dear santa, all I want for christmas forever is for a wonkette writer to go undercover and write subversive articles for this publication.

  61. CapnFatback

    Judging by the amount of time, effort, thought, and something the Conservative Teen editors put into the magazine, they should expect a pretty crappy ROI of something.

  62. north_of_moscow

    Thank you, Wonkette. My entire office has ground to a halt, we're all doubled over in laughter. Someone is printing out the back cover to make a motivational poster. Monday has been saved!

  63. Jus_Wonderin

    "Here is a magazine called The Conservative Teen, whose first issue is miraculously FREE and ONLINE for you to read in its entirety…."

    Free? I doubt it. I bet they are presently figuring out how to screw the middle class with a tax for the printing and the paper/pages are actually dehydrated poors.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      Yep. Prompted by rickmaci just above, I went looking for photo credits and couldn't find any. Cartoons are all signed by the artist of course.

    1. HistoriCat

      Keywords:
      attractive, beautiful, beauty, boy, boyfriend, carefree, casual, caucasian, charming, class, classroom, college, confident, couple, cute, desk, female, fresh, friends, friendship, girl, girlfriend, happy, high, highschool, kids, lifestyle, male, man, natural, people, person, school, smile, student, study, successful, sweet, table, teen, teenage, teenager, together, two, woman, young, youth

  64. Fuck Toad

    When I saw that picture my right arm involuntarily jerked up and out. It was only quick thinking that kept me from doing the ol' roman salute right in the office.

  65. Jukesgrrl

    Home-schooled. (Proper spelling homeskoold. When your mommy reads the Bible to you instead of making you go to school and sit next to colored people and libruls. Also TV during the day. Rick Santorum to learn religion and Herman Cain to learn the maths, even though he is African because … 999 pizza.)

  66. Trinket

    Written by idiot grownups, for an audience whom they assume has about a third-grade reading level. Jesus.

    1. larrykat

      (Grownups: people that are supposed to have more wisdom than teens and do not understand that real teens will see right through any horseshit.)

  67. mavenmaven

    No pictures of Donny Osmond, David Cassidy or Bobby Sherman? I mean, the age group of the writers is pretty clear.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        "Regrettably, we were unable to reach the minimum number of subscribers required to mass print the first issue of The Conservative Teen magazine."

        Hey Conservative Teen, the free market called, it told us to tell you you suck.

  68. JimNauseam

    I did it. I followed the link and read the whole magazine, and GOOD LORD. Highlights include "How To Draw Obama", a painterly discussion of what color to make his fat lips, and an article that Explains Liberalism. This thing is practically a hate crime.

  69. Guppy

    "Why Abstinence Works?"

    Two words they won't have to define in parentheticals: "data" and "statistics."

  70. Antispandex

    “Why Abstinence Works And How It Can Work For You”

    Leaving this on the coffee table? WORST. DATING. MOVE. EVER!

    (Just a little tip from your old pal, the non-home schooled, Mr. Antispandex)

  71. fartknocker

    The look about old enough to go fight in the next war the Republicans are dreaming of.

  72. estreet4ever

    I pre-screen all my teenagers reading materials (oh, that's right, I forgot to have kids) and found this to be one lovely publication. While it was hard to pick a favorite, for me it's a tie between a cartoon with a soldier's tombstone on page 13 labeled "Laugh Out Loud Funny," and anything Stossel. I wonder if they accept content from anyone under 50?

  73. Redhead

    You mean the same group of old white blowhards who like to tell women what to do with their ladybits and what medical procedures are necessary and not necessary might try to tell teens what to do with their lives, despite not having been a teenager for the past 5,000 years?

    Well bring the smelling salts, I'm just shocked.

  74. owhatever

    Dear Conservative Teen Advisor,
    Why can't I marry the guy I love? Is it because we're too young? We're both sixteen.
    Thank you,
    Bob

  75. NewtsChicknNeck

    These Children aren't Blond enough or White enough!!! Goddamn it, James! We need them to look more mormon-y.

  76. Nostrildamus

    Don't have the time now. Will look at it when I'm done with my copy of "Young Muslim Socialist".

  77. Fukui-sanYesOta

    I like the cartoon on page thirteen. It's a picture of a gravestone under a tree with the caption "there's a reason why you never got a bill for the freedom you enjoy", and the gravestone says "US Soldiers"

    The piece is labelled "Laugh Out Loud!"

    I think this is some kind of meta art.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I think the "Laugh Out Loud" part refers to the fact that the idea that conservatives like Jonah Goldberg, Andrew Breitbart, James O'Keefe, Tucker Carlson, Ted Nugent, Dick Cheney, Rich Lowry, Rush Limbaugh, Tom Tancredo, William Kristol, Sean Hannity, Michael Savage, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney's kids, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Matthew Boyle (to name a few, there are many more) would ever get off of their lazy asses and join the military is completely and totally laughable.

  78. LakeLucilleLoon

    I can't believe they don't discuss oral and anal as alternatives to abstinence. Withholding information from our teens makes Jesus weep.

  79. Boojum

    Quick. OMFG. Somebody with adobe, create a .pdf from website for the entire longboys site. There is no protection.

  80. SpeedoFart

    It appears that the writers have a grasp on how stupid any "Conservative Teen"* must be. Which is a plus, I suppose.

    *Is it me, or does that just seem like a hate group in the making?

  81. rocktonsam

    Next issue, Bristol Palin guest column on being an unwed slut mom, a millionaire without a high school diploma and how to yell at fags.

  82. C_R_Eature

    Dear "Conservative Teen":

    I thought all the letters here were fake, but then I stayed after school one time with my Math Teacher, one thing led to another and all of a sudden she was my first Wife!!

    I have lots and lots of great ideas! Can I write for you?

    – Sincerely, Newton.

  83. bnerd85

    I actually think the Titanic metaphor is apt. What can a Conservative do? Make sure the rich have lifeboats and the poor die in the cold abyss! After all, they must have done something to deserve to die; like wearing hoodies…

  84. thefrontpage

    Here's some of the major, full-length articles in the current issue of Conservative Teen magazine:

    1. The Benefits of Felching and Cleveland Steamers

    2. 101 Easy Steps to Becoming A Successful Porn Star

    3. My Life with John Holmes

    4. The 25 Best Lesbian Nightclubs in the United States

    5. Jenna Jameson: A Candid Interview

    6. How to Get a Great Internship with Planned Parenthood!!

    7. The Wonderful World of NARAL

    8. My Summer With Greenpeace: What Great Memories!!

    9. Incest: Why it's Good for You

    10. I Was a Teenage Gun Control Advocate

  85. orygoon

    If either The Heir or The Spare had brought such a thing home during their teen years, they would have needed to tuck it under the Playboys under their mattresses.

    To be fair to the boys, if either had brought such a thing home, ever, it would have been as an object of ridicule.

  86. sullivanst

    Are we sure this isn't some highly developed hoax?

    The full name of the server hosting the mag is:

    krtins.longboys.net

    krtins?

    Maybe their hosting company just doesn't have a high opinion of them…

  87. ibwilliamsi

    Why do they not know that they are in debt because of Bush' unfunded mandates and wars?

  88. elfgoldsackring

    Hey, Conservative Teens, want to make some sweet college money, like Stacey and Kurt on our cover? Ever thought of modeling? Send in your details and one of our recruiters will arrange to pick you up and take you directly to one of our ultra-hip converted warehouse studios. No need to involve the 'rents, let's make it all a big surprise!

  89. Veritas78

    Dear Conservative Teen,
    My step-dad says if I don't suck the pus out of his tumor he'll die. Can you suggest any other treatment tips? (Tumor: something you must suck the pus out of.)

  90. KotBR

    "The vast majority will have sex at some time in their lives"

    Including these two on the cover-about 30 minutes after the shoot wrapped.

  91. LadyWisdom

    I just went through the whole magazine. It is seriously bad. Nobody's going to read that but Fox-addled geezers.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I was thinking of rewriting that a bit and seeing if I could get the kids at CPAC to sing it next year.

  92. Wile E. Quixote

    Can I do my own ad about bias in the media? It would have the caption "It's hard to tell who's talking sometimes, especially when they've got a mouthful of greasy cock" and would show David Gregory down on his knees fellating Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Arlen Spector or any other guest on "Press the Meat."

  93. ttommyunger

    Single thought bubble over both heads: "So, sucking dick means I'm still a virgin, right?"

  94. Leopold Stotch

    I'm actually kind of flabbergasted you guys missed the best line of all (in the TOC):
    "Ronald Reagan: Our First Black President"

  95. tawk

    Know I'm late to this party, but about that ad … Strange how the text box is shaped so that "Nig" can be seen, but not "htly News." I'm sure its a coincidence, right Media Research Center?

  96. Catabite

    Sex is normal an natural- unless it's gay sex, in which case you must keep it secret, especially if your youth minister is involved.

  97. HELisforHEL

    "Brian Williams is secretly black and the president."
    That explains his love of blues music and BBQ at a Certain Restaurant Run By A Black Man in his neighboring town. PROOF!1!!!11!!

  98. JustPixelz

    I'm very late to this party. The website is GONE! Thanks a lot wonkette for ridiculing this Important Voice into the dustbin of history.

  99. lulzmonger

    Wow! Look, kids! The latest Republikanerjugend Monats!

    Oh, wait, I just remembered: I think there's some edge-of-your-seat lists of ingredients I need to enjoy first. Or perhaps also too, 64 pages of lorem ipsum, for that matter.

Comments are closed.