HEART ATTACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK  8:33 pm March 24, 2012

Vice President Dick Cheney Still Undead

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

MonsterFormer Vice President Dick Cheney, 71, has received a new heart, The New York Times reports.

Mr. Cheney is best known to the American public for usurping the power of the presidency from his alleged boss, George W. Bush; pushing the country to war on false pretenses; and shooting an old man in the face. At which point the old man apologized to him.

The heart is Mr. Cheney’s first.

[NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 418 comments }

nounverb911 March 24, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Did Breitbart die so Cheney could live?

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I doubt any organ on Breitbart would have been transplantable. Although maybe there was a ritual sacrifice component to the Black Mass that Cheney said to get anyone to do a transplant. So sure.

BarackMyWorld March 25, 2012 at 12:38 am

Breitbart's blood type was Everclear.

glamourdammerung March 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Is that a type of cocaine?

MLHencken March 25, 2012 at 8:56 am

You have to have a heart in the first place in order to donate one.

hilbillyheroine March 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

No, but 17 Afghan(i) kids did. But they are "blah" people, so it doesn't matter.

nounverb911 March 24, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Now he’s healthy enough to stand trial in The Hague.

Come here a minute March 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Now that he has a heart, Cheney will turn himself in and throw himself on the mercy of the court.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm

No…no. You're thinking about Courage.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Sheeeeeeyyyyyiiit, he doesn't even have a testimonial.

memzilla March 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm

No word on whether or not it was a willing donor…

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Your lips to a Spanish prosecuting magistrate's ears!

Dashboard_Jesus March 24, 2012 at 11:56 pm

The only appropriate response I can think of is to wish this evil, murdering, war-profiteering, chickenshit, chickenhawk Cheney will die an agonizingly painful, horrible death before he goes to meet his maker Satan…he sold his soul to the devil a long time ago and he should be on trial in the Hague for war crimes not getting an undeserved heart transplant that could have saved someone actually worthy of life…what a hateful, obscene excuse for a human, Eddie Vedder says it best IMHO http://gozie.com/video/39GAH46A1YX3/eddie-vedder-

Isyaignert March 25, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I always wondered if the rest of the evil Bush cabal was hoping Cheney The Dick would die so they could blame him for all of the horrible stupid shit they're responsible for.

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 8:37 pm

This really makes me want to have a card with me barring any of my organs from being implanted in a Republican.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 8:48 pm

I'm now sure that my nightmares will consist of Bob McDonnell chasing after me with a pair of rusty scissors just because he needs a new pair of gonads or a heart or something.

PsycWench March 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I definitely want no Republican organs implanted in me.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

"Things frequently said to an indignant James O'Keefe"

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Or inserted in any fashion.

memzilla March 24, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I think we've discovered the real agenda of the "Stand Your Ground" laws, a/k/a "Pick Your Donor."

user-of-owls March 24, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Hello dear thing, just a note to let you know that I've stepped in it pretty extravagantly viz. the new regime, which in a fit of pique may likely deport me. Or actually, simply encourage me to self-deport, which is more tempting with every passing day. So chin up, old girl, pip pip, cheerio and all that rot. We'll always have the Nazis. Hmm, speaking of which…

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

What? Vot? What did you do, beloved Owls? Nooooooooo, don't go away again.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 11:26 pm

C'mon Owls, if I survived an actual banhammer, you can turn your head around. You fucking changed your drinking habits, you certainly can adjust to a regime change. You are loved here, and needed here. Hopefully, everybody else will see this sub-thread and give you a jolt of admiration. The purge is under the bridge now. Sheet, if RS didn't ban Texan Bulldog last night, she has certainly shown her tolerance.
Eat your pride.
Don't throw the fetus out with the amniotic fluid.
You are the definition of Wonketz.
This is more important than a monster getting a new chunk of myocardium and wasting medical resources.
♪ ♫ Soar, Owl, Soar
The ground dwellers to ignore ♪ ♫

flamingpdog March 25, 2012 at 12:14 am

Especially the ground squirrels. Ignore the ground squirrels, Owls.

Angry_Marmot March 25, 2012 at 3:19 am

Quisling!

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Keep a low profile, kid. Them owls get mighty hungered.

Bezoar March 24, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Hey, I've missed you. Please stay.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Owls, stay. And I must say, I don't understand all this banning, and threats of banning, and fear of banning, of cherished wonketeers. Is it really necessary?

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 12:21 am

Please don't go. Please. This place wouldn't be the same without your scathing wit, as you well know. I know the Editrix won't banhammer you. She might punch you out if you say/said something she don't like, but she pretty much *hasn't* brought Teh Hammer o'Ban down on anyone since she first took over.

So please. Make an old fart happy and stay.

Barb March 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Frothy, thank you!

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm

(Hugs the Barb most fondly and missingly)

ThundercatHo March 25, 2012 at 12:27 am

Please don't go Mister Owls. We need your voice to withstand the ignorant hoards from ZippityDoDahistan. Besides, without you we may never know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

Fukui-sanYesOta March 25, 2012 at 2:17 am

You must stay, dear owls. We'd be devastated if you decided to fly to newer perches.

You're much loved here.

DCBloom March 25, 2012 at 7:29 am

Dear Mr. Owls,
I dont post all that often, but I am here everyday, lurking and reading all the great snark. We need your wit. Stay with us. *hugs

Spurning Beer March 25, 2012 at 11:00 am

We must stay strong and chant down Babylon together, brudda.

Barb March 25, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Oh dear, here we go again. I went on vacation last week to Vegas and I came back to posts where people spoke of my being "banned" despite the fact that I left a long post that said I was going to Vegas, something that I do once a month or so.

I haven't seen Rebecca encourage ANYONE to "self-deport" I am not aware of ANYONE being banned either.

Owls, you are awesome. No, make that super awesome. If you need someone to talk to I will find a way to get my e-mail address to you. Stay strong.

Limeylizzie March 25, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Darling, please stay we need your gentle snark more than ever, you are one of the reasons I came, read and stayed , so it is less of the Wonkette I love without you.

Limeylizzie March 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Likewise, I will get an email address to you if you ever need to talk. Let me know and we can manage it I am sure.

Mumbletypeg March 25, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Hey Owls. I’m not going to go on w/ a litany of your awesome posts-past, b/c others have sung those praises already. Nor will I try to talk you out of leaving, b/c it’s clear you’ve made up your mind.
I just wanted you to know your avatar has me mesmerized every time I come across it, at a distance. It conveys the image of a man’s face – beard, shadowed eye sockets – yet when I hover over it for a zoom-up it’s clearly some kind of etched cartoon not at all related.. So every time I spot the avatar at-distance I am given to pondering his expression, which isn’t clearly depicted any more than that man in the moon’s “face” but I’m oddly drawn to it.
Oh and it was more than just your snark that’s been valued here; speaking for myself I appreciated the insight you’d bring that grounded our perspective toward goings-on in your immediate (Arkansas?) locale. When one post highlighted some goofball’s behavior or some dim-witted pending legislation, I recall you chimed in to offset the collective conclusion others were drawing about your state’s populace at large. Your comment mentioned several items I couldn’t have known about, not living there. This kind of knowledge is important to me too, gleaned on wonkette, as I’m a knowledge junkie.
Will need to “Edit” the remainder of my comment thanks to intensedebate-y parameters, so if you’re reading this via email-bypass plz find your way back here if you want to see any more of my Mumblings.

Mumbletypeg March 25, 2012 at 4:46 pm

In fact taking time off would be the better instinct, and you avians[?] know your instincts better than most. I don’t agree fully with you about the aspects of our playground here that have turned you off. I do know there are aspects I miss about the older wonkette – I peruse those archived posts and am reminded of these – but they are different.

And I have followed w/ interest your personal sharings b/c I’ve had dysfunction wreak havoc in my family – luckily while I was too young to remember – but I was always rooting for you. More recent upheavals in my life have given me renewed appreciation of wonkette’s availability for comic relief. I had a really bad situation at home coinciding w/ last year’s Wonkmageddon; I was losing someone important in my life, & when it appeared I might lose wonkette too, I nearly thought I would break down. Wonkette was the only thing keeping me going, or nearly: my ultimate coping device! Since I couldn’t change the situation in the one world, I realized if only wonkette would find a way to stay in existence, I’d take it however I could – unlike the other situation, I *could* walk away from this if I needed and come back when recharged.
One wonketteer whom I’d met *once* in person provided infinite reassurance and “there, there” w/ just a couple of email exchanges and traded quips on these pages. I know you can appreciate this b/c you’ve found support with similar connections here and I can attest — while I relished just the few words from that person, it didn’t take much from him to ease my mind — but also, it was moving to observe what’s been available to you during those dark spells.

user-of-owls March 25, 2012 at 5:38 pm

You are too kind, friend, and your words carry enormous weight for me and others who like you, have suffered. I hope you are in a better place now, I certainly am. In six days, I will hit the eight month mark. I owe much of that to people here, especially not my Dewey, who saved my life in a near literal sense. I did the same for him as well. That's how these things work, I suppose. Two desperate people throwing lifesavers at each other and hoping against hope that someone will be on the other end. So truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the courage you've shown both in life and in here. Oh, and not to take the mystery of of my avatar, but it is a sketch of Ah Pukuh I think, or one of the other denizens of Xibalba. It's a direct link to my user name, which comes from Popol Vuh (just add an 's' to user and you'll find it quickly). Has all sort of other embedded meanings as well, e.g., was the mascot of my doctoral institution, being a scholar, a lifelong fascination with birds, and more recently, the barred owls who keep me company as I smoke and work on the porch until the wee hours. Alas, I can't for the life of me find the exact drawing, but there are any number of very similar ones out there.

Again, thank you for sharing and for you deeply touching words. They've lifted my rather downcast spirit, a very timely gesture given my oft-discussed (whined about) state of mind. Maybe it's a measure of just how important this place used to be that folks have become so passionate in their criticisms of the new regime. Ok, I'd best go now. It's a beautiful spring day here, with an abundance of songbirds serenading one another and better still, at or near the peak of the northbound migration of the monarchs. For all I've lost, I have been lucky enough to have gained a sense of wonder, and that is to be cherished. Abrazos, compa.

Mumbletypeg March 25, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Beautifully put! Would recommend again etc. Will reread, surely.
(Btw I am no stranger to smoking and typing in "the smoking lounge" i.e. screened-in porch — what was it Layne once ended a post with, "Go yell at the neighbors"? — that more than once I've had to refrain myself out there during a liveblog, say, that had me hooting [no pun intended] loudly enough it probably did wake a few neighbors.)
Off to Google the Xibalba reference, it was the remainder of my initial question I hadn't gotten around to asking, thanks! & à votre santé, may all be well w/ you.

Boojum March 25, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Please stay, owls. We need your wisdom, and that shit you do when you look at your own ass.

Chet Kincaid March 26, 2012 at 12:10 am

Well, what the hell did you do/did the mean lady do to you? If you're gonna throw a pity party, at least entertain us with the finger food of whatever's eating your ass.

plinkleton March 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Whoa , I never thought about taking the D off my drivers license before

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Rivers License?

…oh.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I expect the heart will reject Cheney.

cheetojeebus March 24, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Visions of the dinner scene in the first Aliens movie dance through my head.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm

I was thinking the diner scene in Spaceballs, but I've always been a fan of campy musical numbers and Mel Brooks in particular.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Why not? His OWN certainly did.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

I heard he had an Asshole transplant. The Asshole rejected him.

extreme_left March 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm

i think his body rejected the asshole and it stayed

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm

You have it backwards; everything *but* the asshole rejected him.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:42 pm

My, my, my. That horrible old man continues to find the hearts of healthy young men to steal and stuff into his chest cavity. Ain't that a crying shame.

Angry_Marmot March 25, 2012 at 3:23 am

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 5:40 pm

… ghouls gotta steal yer organs.

Boojum_Reborn March 25, 2012 at 4:46 am

"The heart is Mr. Cheney's first."

If only the basement of the Naval Observatory could talk….

deanbooth March 24, 2012 at 8:44 pm

When the doctor said they had found a heart for him, Cheney at first thought it was a dinner invitation.

Boojum_Reborn March 25, 2012 at 5:10 am

"At first"?

Designer_Rants March 25, 2012 at 8:57 am

Fava beans, et al.

rocktonsam March 24, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Finally !

A Dick joke.

Veritas78 March 24, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I hope it's not Trayvon's.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Oh jeebus. You WOULD have to think that thought, wouldn'tja?

Veritas78 March 24, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Too soon?

He was dead a whole month before anyone in law enforcement cared.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 12:23 am

Cheney? Wow, that makes me happy.

Oh, you meant Trayvon. Now I has a sadz.

SkinnyNerd March 24, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Most likely not. I have a feeling his reaction would be something like Archie's.

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Too soon!

nounverb911 March 24, 2012 at 8:46 pm

What should we sent Cheney as a get well gift?

Lucidamente1 March 24, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Plane ticket to the Hague?

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

One way.

As the policeman said to me, upon my requesting where he was taking me after arresting me for jaywalking: "Where you're going, you ain't comin' back."

We should have someone deliver Cheney's ticket with the same encouraging words.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Arresting you for jaywalking? Oh, fuck that jerk. I shall kick his ass for you, Z.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 12:24 am

Ai fink he haz retired from poleesin'. Which is just as well, since he had a serious THANG about Teh Culludz, and my town has a WHOLE lotta culludz.

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 3:43 am

Come on, now, what did he actually arrest you for? Disturbing the peace or some shit?

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I resent the implication that I would lie about this.

The charges on the sheet were: Jaywalking; obstructing traffic; and resisting arrest. The arresting officer was white. The Black guard at the jail asked if my car had broken down in traffic, since I am small and well-spoken, and was dressed for the office, and it was fairly obvious from my dress and demeanour that I had not been leading a crazed mob through the streets.

Fare la Volpe March 25, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Well that's what you get for walking while…um…y'know…you.

(???)

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Precisely. The *guard* advised me to contact the Police Review Board and lodge a complaint. And brought me my cigarettes and matches, and put me in a cell with a working telephone.

Whereupon I called the office (I worked in a law office in those days), and one of my colleagues, who had been employed in the D.A.'s office before she came to work for us, called the PD and apparently tore them several new orifices.

rocktonsam March 24, 2012 at 8:48 pm

A subpena.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 8:54 pm

A hoodie hospital gown?

Callyson March 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

A heart attack.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Heartworm.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 12:24 am

Hon, he IS a heart-worm.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 24, 2012 at 9:34 pm

An industrial-sized vat of lard and 4000 marlboros.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

a photo of the person he took it from

OhNoGuy March 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Does Hallmark make something that looks (and smells) like a colostomy bag? With "Get dead soon!" printed on it.

Veritas78 March 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

A bag of lightly-salted poisoned rat dicks is always appropriate.

(When Jim regains consciousness, he'll appreciate the plagiarism.)

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Does Hallmark make get well-done in Hell cards?

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 10:08 pm

i wonder if he gets the Hellmark Channel on his ICU teevee.

freddymcmurray March 24, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Maybe this site has something… for starters:
http://youstupidbitch.com/congrats13.php

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:33 pm

A plane ticket to hell so that he can see his buddy Saddam Hussein?

docterry6973 March 25, 2012 at 12:37 am

Turkish prisons are nice. We could all chip in.

Boojum_Reborn March 25, 2012 at 5:12 am

A toaster for his bathtub.

Serolf_Divad March 25, 2012 at 9:13 am

My first thought was "a rattlesnake" but then I realized that it would probably just curl up next to him and go to sleep while Cheney gently stroked its scales with an evil smile on his lips.

Dashboard Buddha March 25, 2012 at 11:24 am

A human skull with fleshlights for eye sockets?

Fare la Volpe March 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

They already make feet like that (dead serious; don't google at work).

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Lucidamente1 March 24, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Well, he's still one heartbeat away from Hell.

OhNoGuy March 24, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Not close enough.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 25, 2012 at 11:41 am

I say this pretty often, but it's hard being an atheist and realizing that people don't actually get their so-called "afterlife reward".

Fred_Wertham_Jr March 24, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Good. Now he'll be healthy enough to go fuck himself.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:37 pm
RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

It's just Wicked that the Tin Man got his wish from Dr. Oz.

SorosBot March 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Wait, didn't the doctors who helped Dick Cheney survive longer violate the Hippocratic Oath?

Boojum_Reborn March 25, 2012 at 5:13 am

"First, do no harm."

Yep, pretty much fucked that one up.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 7:24 am

The Oath doesn't specifically prohibit doing no Evil.

chascates March 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Thank goodness socialized medicine is around to pay for that. Although I would have volunteered for the death panels in this case.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Okay, if this doesn't fucking give the lie to the whole death panel bullshit, nothing will. A 71 year old with a history of poor living, bad habits and 5 heart attacks gets a heart? Really? Not if there were any actual rational decision making going on.

cheetojeebus March 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

When will the reign of terror end!!! <rending shirt> <shrieks of terror>

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I guess deficits do matter.

chascates March 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I hope Trayvon Martin wasn't the donor.

Extemporanus March 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Haha, joke's on Cheney — that "new heart" is actually Barb's old uterus!

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Hysterical.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Couldn't be. That Evil Dark Overlord doesn't have space in is chest cavity for anything so warm, wonderful, loving, etc. as our Barb's uterus. Much more likely to be a leftover rectum after bowel resectioning.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Could be a leftovary.

Extemporanus March 24, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I had leftovary tubers for dinner tonight.

user-of-owls March 24, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Super!

Lucidamente1 March 24, 2012 at 11:54 pm

A Turdblossom?

Barb March 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Great! I spent $37,000.00 to have 2 grapefruit-sized, 2 orange-sized and 2 lemon-sized tumors removed and they give it to Cheney. Wait until he gets those once-a-month blood transfusions and cramps that will cause him to faint when he tries to stand.

Good luck with my liver, bitches!

Fare la Volpe March 24, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Well no wonder it was having problems – you were smuggling fruit in there! Silly Barb, they have bags for that.

Extemporanus March 24, 2012 at 10:50 pm

She never should've let Carmen Miranda go down on her back in college.

memzilla March 24, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Barb, did you give him your old bumper sticker, too?

Barb March 24, 2012 at 10:51 pm

That bumper sticker is hilarious!

Extemporanus March 24, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Barbarella, you're the only person whom I've ever met with a Del Monte fruit cocktail can for a vagina. It's good to know that you recycle.

(I live right next door to a convalescent center, and I can tell you from experience that — cherry or not — Oldz such as Cheney gum that syrupy stuff by the boxful.)

Barb March 24, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Extemporanus, if ever Wonkette needed another writer you would get a brazillion votes from me, seriously. I'm not just saying that either.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Like you Barb, for a while I thought Wonkette Jr. was our favorite Pedobear. And also, too, could you give the Owls a vote of confidence?

flamingpdog March 25, 2012 at 12:29 am

Hey Barb, did you see the linkie I posted about 1 in the morning a couple of days ago about replacement uteruses?

vtxmcrider March 25, 2012 at 10:57 am

Hey, Flaming, that is downright fucking brilliant!

Barb March 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Morning Flaming! I love that link and I am going to send it to my surgeon "The Vagina Whisperer"

There are days when I get 300-400 responses and I don't get to see them all. Just chase me down and slap me in the back of the head to get my attention., please.

What color replacement uterus should I get?

flamingpdog March 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I like the multicolored one in the upper left hand corner, except for something else in place of the green.

chascates March 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Next up: a new brain for Dubya! Then courage for Bill Kirstol. Then . . .

Naked_Bunny March 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

This must be why medical expenses have been skyrocketing.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Flying monkees out of his butt?

stncmchnc March 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Self-awareness for Sarah Palin.

SorosBot March 24, 2012 at 9:56 pm

A dick and balls for Rick Santorum?

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 12:56 am

Why? It's not like *he's* ever gonna use 'em.

Boojum_Reborn March 25, 2012 at 5:38 am

"A dick and ball-gag for Rick Santorum."

Fixed.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

A house plummeting to the ground for Liz Cheney.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 10:08 pm

ON Lizard cheney, pls.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Ruby slippers for me?

Slightly OT but true: Last summer, it was a warm afternoon, so I'm waiting at an outdoor table to meet friends, and this total stranger comes out of the coffee shop wearing RUBY CONVERSE ALL-STARS!!

vtxmcrider March 25, 2012 at 10:59 am

Holy fuck! Nazi Ratpope went to the same vacation spot you did?

stncmchnc March 24, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Birth control for Dorothy. Take this aspirin and hold it between your knees my Pretty! My apologies to the Wicked Witch of the West, and what the hell, Jack Nicholson.

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 3:40 am

But, she has to click her heels together to get home. How the hell she's gonna' do that with an aspirin between her knees?

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Humility for Newton Leroy McPhearson?

Biff March 25, 2012 at 1:19 am

That would surely kill him.

sullivanst March 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

You say that as if that's a reason not to do it…

Biff March 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Ambiguous at best, or maybe worst. It's a new regime, a kinder, gentler Wonkeet…

Jukesgrrl March 25, 2012 at 1:44 am

He'd rather die than demonstrate it.

Naked_Bunny March 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I assume that Cheney, being undead, is a Hordie. My question is, what server and guild does he belong to?

OurDailyBread March 24, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Bah, no self-respecting orc, troll, tauren or even undead would have him.

Hell, the Lich King doesn't even want him, for fear that Cheney would have a successful coup.

On second thought, maybe Cheney is the Lich King.

Jennyjen798 March 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm

IMO he's more like a Wretched (the magic fiends in the Blood Elf starting area).

SorosBot March 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Cheney's grim visage still scares me; and that picture was not a good image to get on my monitor right after getting off a long Skype session with the girlfriend.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Better than before…

MissTaken March 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

And here I thought the call from my dad was a turnoff.

SorosBot March 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Well it was, but luckily not too hard to get over; but seeing Palpatine up there just sends waves of dread through my body, and if that had interrupted us I don't know if we could have recovered.

DemmeFatale March 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

So?

chascates March 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

The heart was welcomed as a liberator.

gullywompr March 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

The medical staff at Fairfax Inova Hospital's cardiac care unit are truly geniuses. We gotta take those bastards out.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Talk about a moral dilemma. Guess where the Radio broadcasts from?

gullywompr March 24, 2012 at 9:36 pm

I'll give you twenty bucks if you trip over an electrical cord or two.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I'll make sure he gets EXTRA strength Tylenol.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Sounds like a job for Seal Team 666.

finallyhappy March 24, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I was listening to WTOP when this news came in and I was right across from Navy medical/walter reed(whatever it is being called) at that moment-but then they said it was at Inova.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Bethesda Naval Hospital.

gullywompr March 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Cheney probably thought about the latest couple of thousand headstones at Arlington, looked at his KBR stock, and then decided that he'd better stay out of military hospitals.

Citizen Kitteh March 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Even Cheney had to wait 20 months for a heart? Was there some special requirements that disqualified regular human hearts?

OhNoGuy March 24, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I think the rat had to die a natural death.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Aside from the fact that Cheney is a hideous mutant alien from the Planet of Lizard People?

DrunkIrishman March 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

So, who's the poor Mexican boy they swiped this from? Little Pedro from Houston?

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

So Sheriff Arpaio, where where you on the night of March 23, 2012?

chascates March 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

To top it off Santorum is declared winner in Weesiana!

Biff March 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

This is good news for anyone not named gingrich!

chascates March 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

He has vowed to continued. CNN quoted him as saying the amount of people who come up to him and tell him to remain in the race are 'remarkable'.

His wife, campaign staff, Tiffany consultant, etc.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Every democrat he meets, too. Of course, he doesn't hear the chuckling afterward, as he's waddling away.

Blueb4sunrise March 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Write -in candidate BP finished a close second.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

It's a great day for Dicks.

Sassomatic March 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Of course he did. The electorate here is now divided between Jesus freaks and people who don't give enough of a fuck to actually go vote.

PsycWench March 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney, 71…. "
DO NOT SAY THE DARK LORD'S NAME.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

"Voldickmort"

Biel_ze_Bubba March 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

He Who Must Not Be Blamed

Biff March 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

And not a single fuck was given this day.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:05 pm

It's *Cheney,* dood. Not a single fuck will be given *any* day.

mavenmaven March 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Did he send George Zimmerman on another secret mission to get this heart?

Guppy March 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Mr. Cheney, 71, who has suffered five heart attacks

And they still considered him a transplant candidate? Was it the same scheme that got Steve Jobs his liver?

freddymcmurray March 24, 2012 at 10:22 pm

if by scheme, you mean highest bidder, my guess is yes.

horsedreamer_1 March 25, 2012 at 8:41 am

The Mick Libel!!!

Biff March 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

You know, I'm not convinced he "suffered" those heart attacks, but that he rather enjoyed them. Nothing like gripping chest pain to know you're alive, amirite?

SkinnyNerd March 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

So what evil organ was removed to make room for a heart in that dark and dangerous torso?

OhNoGuy March 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

"All of THEM, Katie"
(I've waited soooooo long for this moment)

HippieEsq March 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

And the donor is rolling over in his/her grave.

MissTaken March 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Couldn't have happened to a better Sith Lord

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:06 pm

In all fairness, it could. But not to a *more deserving* one.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Say what you will about Richard Bruce Cheney. People who truly know him say that he has the heart of a small child.

Every night. With fava beans and a nice Chianti.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

You beat me by mere seconds! Still, like Dick himself, jokes about Cheney eating hearts are immortal.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Variation on a theme. It's All Good.

ElPinche March 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

spsss spsss spsss!

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"Luke, I am Ate your Father!"

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:45 pm

In what respect, Charlie?

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:48 pm

You stole that from Stephen King.
But *he* stole it from Ray Bradbury, so you're OK.

Angry_Marmot March 25, 2012 at 3:37 am

And I heard it credited to Robert Bloch, so…

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 6:04 am

“Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”
― Robert Bloch

I originally saw this referenced by Arthur C. Clarke – of all people – but I can't find where, right now… I've been waiting for years to use it on Cheney this way.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:09 pm

It did originate with Robert Bloch.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Art was quoting Robert, BTW.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:08 pm

It's a *heart,* darlz, not a *liver.* The sides were probably fresh steamed lady fingers, lightly buttered, and baby potatoes, and the accompaniment — why, a young white, of course.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 6:14 pm

This recipe brought to you by The "Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover"
Cookbook.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

We have no evidence that "received a new heart" doesn't mean "to eat, in an elaborate ceremony dedicated to the dark lord".

(Also, Rebecca, if that's a Billy Joel reference in the title, I could not love you more.)

bumfug March 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I'm pretty sure the title is a reference to an old SNL running gag by Chevy Chase, mocking the neverending death watch of fascist dictator Francisco Franco.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Oh, now I remember that gag! Well, it can be both, and I'm still "movin' out" (to Canada) if this guy ever approaches a position of power again.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Which itself was a ripoff of the National Lampoon's running gag deathwatch of Mamie Eisenhower.

OhNoGuy March 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

We have no evidence that "received a new heart" means the heart of a mammal, much less a human. Alligator is my guess. Cold blooded, doesn't know right from wrong, eats pets and small children. I rest my case.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

"Of course I murdered him in cold blood. I'm an alligator!"

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Loves the smell of chicken blood.

hollywooddood March 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

I wonder which young person in need of a transplant must die so Dick can live. The thought of that won't bother him, though, so never mind.

nounverb911 March 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm

All of them, Katie.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Virgins must be sacrificed to Dick Cheney each year to keep the sun coming up.

Unfortunately due to birth control, all women are now sluts, and the world is doomed.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I don't know which young person, specifically, but I'd bet my underwear it was a *poor* one.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

This is why the healthcare system sucks. Rationing is happening right now, but it is utterly irrational in its distribution, with rich fuckers gaming the system. It is like when Jerry Garcia got a new liver – although at least with Jerry, there was the whole history of making beautiful art (and some really interesting ties) to at least sort of defend it.

DCBloom March 25, 2012 at 7:43 am

It wasn't Jerry who got a liver, it was bassist Phil Lesh. At his shows he does what is referred to as his "donor rap" where he urges folks to become a donor.

The difference is that Phil deserved his liver. He took very good care of himself and waited for it for a long time. Also. Phil's liver problem was not due to drinking.

OT- I was at a Dead show years ago, we went to eat at a place in Berkeley that had one of those claw machines where you get stuffed animals. I got a bear and named him "Berkeley Bear" still have him after all these years

Biff March 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Seriously, fuck that guy.

PsycWench March 24, 2012 at 9:36 pm

And he'd have a sixth heart attack. And I might have my first.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

He doesn't deserve le petit mort. Le grand mort, sure.

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Hogging all of the goddamned heart attacks. The nerve of that guy. Why I ought ta'.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 9:57 pm

As long as we don't skullfuck the guy.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I just got home from dinner, but I'm going back out to the pawn shop to see if they have any rusty chainsaws.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Not with my worst enemy's dick/vagina/10 foot dildo.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm

You first, Biff.

Biff March 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Do not want.

ElPinche March 24, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Good. I hope he lives long enough to see an Obama 2012 win.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 11:14 pm

I'd love for him to live in an incapacitated state long enough to see Dems take back Congress, but that might require creation of sci-fi level stasis chambers.

chascates March 24, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Oh, it was probably just a condemned person in China. The BBC said that's where 2/3 of their donated organs come from but the current regime hopes to reduce that number.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

God, don't we have any industry left in this country? This is just like the man with the yellow shirts and the gong sound effects said it was.

chascates March 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Take heart brother! We still lead the world in undeserving, shallow celebrities, puritanical, hypocritical politicians, and witty, intelligent bloggers!

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Take Cheney's heart. Please.

/fixed.

Bezoar March 24, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Worse than you know; apparently, some years back the Chinese authorities rounded up thousands of practitioners or adherents of the Falun Gong movement, and imprisoned them, where they are kept until a wealthy customer for a kidney transplant comes along. Then they are typed and crossmatched, and the most suitable prisoner goes to the operating room and is murdered in the course of organ donation. In other words, the Chinese government appears to be complicit in systematic homicide for organ transplantation for profit. http://organharvestinvestigation.net/

Angry_Marmot March 25, 2012 at 3:39 am

Mass murder without the mess.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I was going to say something extremely cruel about the Falun Gong practitioners, but had a sudden bout of (not-Editrix-induced) conscience. Instead, I'll just point out that with a world population of 7.x billion and growing, we ourselves are making human life cheaper. Right before we drown in our own waste, anyway.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

I want to know how he got on the list. He's frail and evil… that should have kicked him right off.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Wait for the Republicans to use this to make a point about socialism: "If Cheney lived in the UK, he'd be dead"

…at which point a petition begins to circulate demanding Cheney's deportation to the UK

LetUsBray March 24, 2012 at 10:41 pm

"If Cheney lived in the UK, he'd be dead"

So you're saying 1776 was one giant mistake.

Blueb4sunrise March 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm

The heart is Mr. Cheney’s first.

This is why RS gets the big bucks.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:15 pm

At least they gave him a used heart, not a new one off the showroom floor.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I hear that it took so long for Dick to get his new heart because he had to go all the way to South America

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 9:36 pm

(Central, but eh, pedantry)

It was especially problematic since no one in the GOP knows how to speak Messican.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

It turned out okay because they just spoke REALLY REALLY LOUD.

and thanks for the correction, Sloppy of me.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Tundra Grifter March 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

This is good news for unicorns.

DahBoner March 25, 2012 at 8:56 am

And good news for John McCain's mother..

ifthethunderdontgetya March 24, 2012 at 9:41 pm

They tried to fit the Grinch's old heart in there, but it was still too big.

So they had to settle for a murdered kitten's.
~

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

"Annnnd…the Most Appropriate use of Alt-Text Gold Medallion goes to…"
(aside) "The envelope, please. Thanks."
*tear*
REBECCA SCHOENKOPF! " Come on up!"

DWW March 24, 2012 at 9:44 pm

In an immediate aftereffect he wanted to read Lady Chatterley's Lover…

He is now kept strictly under surveillance…

Barrelhse March 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

What a sad and depressing story.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Oh, now. Here's a hug, darlz. It'll be OK. He'll kack soon.

HistoriCat March 25, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I don't want him to kack – I want him to go on trial in the Hague.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I wish it *would* happen, but I know it won't. Bad precedent. Hopey would be risking his life, and his family's, giving this schmuck the future he deserves.

bumfug March 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Donor was an otherwise healthy jackal who suffered a fatal head wound. The jackal's family was dismayed, "We'd hoped it would go to someone who wouldn't embarrass our species."

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:56 pm

"Donor was an otherwise healthy jackal who suffered a fatal head wound"

During an…
unfortunate incident…
on a hunting trip.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm

UPFIST!!

Deportably_Jose March 24, 2012 at 10:00 pm

All humor aside, organ transplants are serious, risky business. I hope this new heart doesn't reject Dick Cheney.

Toomush_Infer March 25, 2012 at 9:11 am

What part of "all humor aside" don't you understand?…

vtxmcrider March 25, 2012 at 11:12 am

For the first time in history, anti-rejection medicine is required for the organ instead of for the individual.

pinkocommi March 24, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Couldn't happen to a less deserving person.

owhatever March 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

The old heart gave out as the Dick was running from his past.

Rebecca — Can't outsnark you on this one. Brilliant intro.

Deportably_Jose March 24, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Also, I'm wondering whether they used an actual human heart. It's true that xenotransplantation carried higher risks, but it's really hard to find viable cacodemon hearts.

FlipOffResearch March 25, 2012 at 11:48 am

Thanks for the cool new word.

Deportably_Jose March 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Xenotransplantation? Cacodemon?? Cheney????

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm

It's *Cheney,* darlz. It's a CACAdemon.

pinkocommi March 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm

In lieu of sending flowers to Mr. Cheney to celebrate his new heart, might I suggest sending him a hoodie?

iburl March 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

…or one of those cans of nuts with a springing snake in it.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Nostrildamus March 25, 2012 at 1:45 am

Nonsense. Flowers are always appropriate.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm

There's always deadly nightshade.

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 3:41 am

Oh, you can still send him flowers; just make sure that they are dead flowers.

not that Dewey March 25, 2012 at 9:28 am

I won't forget to put roses on his grave.

coolhandnuke March 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Dick Cheney is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

He's especially Manchurian with his new Chinese heart.

coolhandnuke March 24, 2012 at 10:31 pm

His brain has not only been washed, as they say… It has been dry cleaned.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:20 pm

You jumped the shotgun gun there, nuke. It's another 8 days until Dubya's birthday.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I can see it's already too late for you, I'ma go save myself.

pinkocommi March 24, 2012 at 10:26 pm

So, you are admitting you have never known anyone but Dick Cheney in your whole life… I feel sad for you.

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 12:01 am

I hope your pants are consuming you for that one.

DahBoner March 25, 2012 at 9:03 am

One day old and raised by robots?

imissopus March 25, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Why, bless his heart.

Isyaignert March 25, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Isn't "bless his heart" Southern-belle-speak for "bite me?"

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Last sentence has the most win in the universe.

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

[I'll just repost what I put on the OT thread about this under the last article]

No snark, just an observation. Cheney is 71 years old, and not a particularly robust physical specimen even aside from the age and bad heart. There are always more patients in need of hearts than there are recipients, and so this old man was moved ahead of some people much younger, who have much more of their lives to live, and perhaps young children.

[Though it occurs to me perhaps the drastic weight loss he has displayed recently was not a result of ill health as people have speculated, but rather required in order to be eligible for the transplant. Perhaps he was able to pull strings to get a heart into a 71-year old, but putting a precious donor heart into an obese 71-year old may have been a bridge too far even for the people who were willing to otherwise bend the rules for an influential donation candidate.]

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Likewise Chich, I'll paste my reply:

Politics in transplants? No, no, Chich. The medical profession, especially hospital administrators, are highly ethical. BTW, did i mention that Inova Health System made $230 million in 2010 and $130 million in 2011 as a "not for profit?"

UW8316154 March 24, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Just like there certainly are no big drug companies or financial incentives influencing the oncologists who earn money selling chemotherapy to cancer patients.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Do I have to go back to Radiotherapy?
Don't get me started.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:56 pm

This evil man had his *first* heart attack at the age of 37. I guess if I were Cheney's heart, I, too, would feel obliged to leap out of his chest and attempt to strangle the ever-loving shit out of him. Why they put a heart into this multiple-attack-waiting-to-happen when they refused Nataline Sarkisian a *liver* transplant at the age of 17 will always baffle me.

Poindexter718 March 24, 2012 at 10:15 pm

So when he comes to, who's gonna tell him Padme died in childbirth? Cuz I think he's gonna be upset.

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Republicans: The party of "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 12:02 am

Nerd WIN.

horsedreamer_1 March 25, 2012 at 8:44 am

Good for ONE FREE LAPDANCE.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Cheney would only be upset by that news if the *fetus* in question (i.e., donor of his *next* heart) had died.

Slim_Pickins March 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Really, couldn't this wait until say noon on Monday? I need a life.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I suppose we have to consider this a step up from his usual habit of eating the hearts of the poor:
"Oh, Mr. Vice President, not *again*!"
"Their fear makes them taste so good!"

MadBrahms March 24, 2012 at 10:44 pm

They'd better watch just how much of the social safety net they shred, though. If they cut food stamps too far, those hearts are going to get all stringy.

pinkocommi March 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Cheney may have a new heart, but he still has no idea how to use it.

Dudleydidwrong March 24, 2012 at 10:23 pm

This is the first time that a Tasmanian devil's heart has been successfully placed into a human or a semi-human. The Tasmanian devil's union has vowed to make it the last time this occurs. In response to this news, Cheney replied "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:37 pm

I can't wait until Cheneys are extinct, too.

littlebigdaddy March 24, 2012 at 10:35 pm

In an ironic twist of fate the heart was Trayvon Martin's.

bflrtsplk March 24, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Should read: Cheney has a heart.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Rebecca, I hope you have an emergency plan in place for when Lord Cheney finally kicks the bucket, so you'll be able to deal with the server overload and still find time to ban hammer everybody* who breaks the new rules of civility.

*which likely will be everybody.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Not to mention the people — one or two at first, then dozens, then hundreds — who come forward to confess to murdering him.

Barrelhse March 24, 2012 at 11:32 pm

It was me.
Too soon?

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Well … he's not dead YET, yaknow.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Yeah, like in the scene in "Spartacus" where when asked which one of them was Spartacus, hundreds of them yelled "I'm Spartcus". Hopefully Darth's murderers don't all end up being nailed to a tree.

RadioStalingrad March 25, 2012 at 12:10 am

He's already dead to me.

horsedreamer_1 March 25, 2012 at 8:44 am

Urrbody in Wonkette getting bansy'd.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Like who, exactly? I'm not seeing anyone gone that doesn't show up a few days later with a "Oh, I was out of town" excuse.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm

I know you ONLY KEED, but Editrix hasn't banhammered anyone yet, AFAICT.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 24, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Who knew you could still find virgins to sacrifice.

Guppy March 25, 2012 at 8:48 am

Why else would he be such a big fan of abstinence-only education?

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Well, "virgin" is a much more loose term than it used to be. lol

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 10:43 pm

President Obama just released this statement:
'Nooobuddy pulled the plug on Cheney!"

docterry6973 March 24, 2012 at 10:55 pm

This is….wonderful news for…him and his…loved ones…who…

NO, NO! This guy had hundreds of thousands of people killed in a cynical scheme to steal Iran's oil and enrich Haliburton and himself. If there is a God, Cheney only got this heart so that he could spend at least a decade in six by eight cell.

ttommyunger March 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Here's fondly wishing the heart is that of a Muslim, thereby guaranteeing mutual rejection.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Well, at least it's not that poor Iraqi woman who was murdered by some racist scum in CA today.

ttommyunger March 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm

That case is a little to pat for me so far. The note, the weapon, the scene of the crime. I'm not jumping on the hate crime bandwagon yet on this one.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm

OT, but WARNING: If you should receive an e-mail titled "Nude photo of Newt Gingrich" with an attachment, DON"T OPEN IT!!!

It's a nude photo of Newt Gingrich.

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Really? No kidding now.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Not really, LL. I'll be doing stand-up at the Michael Steele Lesbian Comedy Club all weekend.

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 11:58 pm

That sounds like my kind of night out.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Dood, anything with a title like that would be barfed up by Google's Evil Filter.

SpeedoFart March 24, 2012 at 11:02 pm

The longer Cheney continues to live WITHOUT HIS OWN HEART, the more and more I doubt my atheism. I mean, if there's any evidence that someone has made a deal with the Devil, I think this is it.

Boojum_Reborn March 25, 2012 at 5:53 am

"Deal" with the Devil? Cheney works for him on commission!

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Watch it, or Biely will be by to disclaim all knowledge of such a deal.

gingerland62 March 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

When is his soul transplant?

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 11:22 pm

OT, and maybe I missed this showing up in one of the posts between the original one here at teh Wonkette and now, but watch this if you haven't already seen it.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Awesome, that's our grandcommy-ma. I can't believe that the wingtards haven't jumped all over this: Obama Shakes Hands, Jokes and is Lighthearted with Known Marxist.

Serfville March 24, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Heart #3 is in an "underground undisclosed location" and/or in a lockbox, the code of which is: 666

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:27 pm

What the news is failing to report is that in order for the heart to stick, he needed a blood transfusion from six-hundred-and-sixty-six fetuses, ten litres of children's tears, and the sacrifice of untold numbers of kittens to the Prince of Air.

DerrickWildcat March 24, 2012 at 11:36 pm

I am immediately reminded of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame first inductee, The Angry Samoan's award winning song, "They Saved Hitler's Cock"

They saved Hitler's cock, They hid it under a rock. I discovered it, last night. I couldn't even, believe my eyes.
If Hitler's cock could start to talk, it would say: To kill today.
If Hitler's cock could choose it's mate, it would ask, for Sharon Tate!

They saved Hitler's cock. They stuffed it in Mengele's sock
They saved Hitler's cock, and now it wants to talk.

Now it's starting to get hard, I found it in my backyard. Every night it kills a dog, and now it wants, some night and fog
Hitler's cock is on the move, and now I'm scared of what it's gonna do!

Here they are performing it at the Grammys http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQjlP_JB5jM

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Wow! Thanks, Derrick Wildcat, you are such a fucking TREASURE.

I didn't even know they'd saved Hitler's cock. Till now.

TheSheriffsNear March 25, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Wow! That took me back to my mispent youth! That's off their second album. I remember a review in some LA music-scene magazine citing this song with the comment "Just in case you thought they'd mellowed out."

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Obamacare FTW.

BarackMyWorld March 24, 2012 at 11:50 pm

This surgery is obviously 12 years too late.

Bezoar March 24, 2012 at 11:57 pm

You know, now that he needs to be maintained in a state of continuous immunosuppression, he lives on the razor's edge between rejection and infection/malignancy. And, the immunosuppressant drugs used will surely slowly destroy his renal function, leading to dialysis. And diabetes is also a looming near-certainty. The more he resists his death, the longer and more miserable and degraded his life will become. I guess maybe the Karma is getting him.

Biff March 25, 2012 at 1:33 am

That's the happy times I come here for, thanks!

Jukesgrrl March 25, 2012 at 1:54 am

I always have so much admiration for people who say, "Enough's enough, I'm going to go with dignity when it's my time." I'm not surprised Dick Cheney wouldn't be one of those people.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 7:22 am

Of course he wants to postpone his death. Just imagine the kind of horrendous Contract he's had to sign with Old Scratch.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Where IS Biel_ze_Bubba this morning, anyway?

Oh, wait, it's Sunday. Probably hiding from the sound of church bells.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Biel_ze_Bubba, sitting at his huge desk made of human bones, mutters "those Fucking Bells…" keys the sound system on the Universal Remote, punching up the volume on Sympathy for the Devil.

Bends down to finish up the paperwork on Richard Bruce Cheney.

"Let's see… extend lifespan 12 years. In exchange… Eternity of night perimeter patrols in Quảng Trị province, Vietnam in 1968.
Heh, heh, heh."

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 7:19 am

Well, the Re-Animation Fluid corrects those problems. There are, however a few unpleasant Side Effects

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:31 pm

You sure know how to make a person happy, don'tcha?

Boojum March 25, 2012 at 9:41 pm

So, sneezing on him would be wrong?

FROTHY March 26, 2012 at 4:42 am

Well … it's not like you can *help* sneezing, ya know.

docterry6973 March 25, 2012 at 12:10 am

During the transplant the surgeon's hands were briefly transformed into black leathery claws while fumes of sulphur swirled through the operating theater. You don't often see that.

rickmaci March 25, 2012 at 12:36 am

What? Are there no death panels?

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 3:37 am

; no FEMA death camps?!

ThundercatHo March 25, 2012 at 12:39 am

Was Eric Cantor found in a cheap motel bathtub filled with ice and a note reading "Please don't touch the jellyfish. Love, John Boehner"?

Neoyorquino March 25, 2012 at 1:36 am

A hideous blob of stolen organs (though that name is already taken). http://youtu.be/DYRFJ6hOrEE

arihaya March 25, 2012 at 2:22 am

big chance the heart is from some recently-excecuted corrupt Chinese politician, who stole pensions of people who worked in a sweatshop for off-shored company

so this heart is basically as evil as old heart

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Frankly, if it was a good, pure, youthful, innocent heart, it would have withered on contact, right?

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 3:54 am

You see, this is why we went to Iraq: Hearts for Cheney. And, damnit, if he didn't kill enough people to live forever, the dirty bastard. But, the truth is that evil rots you from the inside out, and this man hasn't truly lived for generations; he's simply existed. Burning that dark side power is burning the candle at both ends.

They say a heart transplant can change a person psychologically. He better hope that it does.

DaRooster March 25, 2012 at 8:10 am

(Snark Off)
It truly amazes me that there are so many people mortally wounded in this country daily yet we still hear so few stories of transplants. (I got a call at 3 am that my son had been stabbed. He was lucky because it was in his arm… I am worried about future use due to his art… . which is why I am feeling the compassion of immortality right now)
The waiting list is very long and I understand Cheney has probably been on it for some time. I believe that everyone I know is a donor yet so few organs get used. There has got to be a better way to cut the red tape and allow for more life saving donations… make sure your family knows that you want to be a donor

(Snark On)
Cheney? Why?

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your son, Rooster. Here's wishing for a full recovery. (Hugs Rooster & Son).

Like you, I ask: Dear god, why?

DaRooster March 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

Thanks.
Like me he waited until after 18 to make some big mistakes and is now on probation. He couldn't go to the hospital because one lick of trouble he could go to prison. I patched him up best I could but he will visit a doctor friend today and we'll go from there. I did see him yesterday and he looked good. We made a makeshift sling. We have not had many good conversations in the past few years but I stressed to him (and he didn't storm away) that he has to chose his battles, not everything has to be a fight and it does not mean you are not a man if you chose to walk away… you can be more of a man.
I am glad I have always been as intelligent as I am now.
Thank you again for the wishes.

FROTHY March 26, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Sounds like he might be willing to *listen,* at least. I hope you will soon be able to embrace each other with love and put this pain behind you.

You're always welcome, my friend.

lisawines March 25, 2012 at 8:13 am

The Obamacare death panels must not have been in session. And Rebecca: best. headline. ever.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 8:28 am

I feel that Dick Cheney should show his appreciation to the Organ Donation Community by becoming a Liver Donor

Monsieur_Grumpe March 25, 2012 at 8:56 am

Seems like a waste of a perfectly good heart. He's not going to use it.

DahBoner March 25, 2012 at 8:57 am

In the recovery room…

Now grimace for us. Good…

Chet Kincaid March 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm

"How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Fuck you."
"Success!!"

LiveToServeYa March 25, 2012 at 9:13 am

In life, Dick Cheney received five draft deferments. In un-death, he's going for the same number of death deferments.

Isyaignert March 25, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Cheers to you for paying attention! Good comment.

Toomush_Infer March 25, 2012 at 9:16 am

Well, it does prove he never had one up till now…

neiltheblaze March 25, 2012 at 9:20 am

Good thing he's got that government mandated health care to pay for it all.

Veritas78 March 25, 2012 at 9:23 am

Ya do know that now there's no reason now why the deadlocked Republican convention will not nominate him as their candidate? Except he might be too moderate.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I read that as "dreadlocked Republican convention" and had a vision of a roomful of Rastafarians trying to decide which evil bastard to nominate.

BlueStateLibel March 25, 2012 at 9:43 am

Such unhappy news for a Sunday morning. As another Wonkette commentator once lamented, how many deferments is this motherfuckers going to get?

SpeedoFart March 25, 2012 at 10:04 am

The more I think about Cheney's new heart, the more enraged I get. The man has had, what, 5 heart attacks? How in the ever-loving fuck was he allowed on the donor list? That heart should have gone to someone who was in better health, with a better chance of living a long life, not to some vile, undead, warmongering, country destroying asshole who really should just be dead by now.

Someone died so Cheney's life could be prolonged. *spits* There is no justice in this world.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 7:58 pm

*This* is why we snark, dood. If ya don't *snark* at this stuff, you'll just end up slitting the old wrist-veins.

Nataline Sarkisian. Remember her name.

SpeedoFart March 25, 2012 at 10:25 pm

*sigh* I know. I just feel like my snark gland is being sucked dry.

FROTHY March 26, 2012 at 4:40 am

(Hugs teh Speedo)

Fear not! Snark glands are INFINITELY self-renewing. Tomorrow you'll wake up and feel *extra*-snarky, and marvel at your own resilience.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 25, 2012 at 10:29 am

I wonder if he bothered to make sure the donor was dead before taking his heart.

Dashboard Buddha March 25, 2012 at 11:21 am

Here's a just released image from the operation:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_OjLv-xAV-QY/SCm8sA0Y-ZI

weej_bain March 25, 2012 at 10:36 am

And how many blah men over 70 have received heart transplants?

arihaya March 25, 2012 at 5:45 pm

none of 'em Katie ,,

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Deserves ELEBENTY upfists.

I regret that I have but one to give.

DemonicRage March 25, 2012 at 11:17 am

With a life expectancy now of 5 years, how many Fox news conference interviews does that mean we can look forward to, with him pissing out of his mouth over anything Hopey does or says?

FakaktaSouth March 25, 2012 at 11:19 am

My hope is that the heart infiltrates the man – therefore changing his basic, ingrained, inborn evil nature into one with compassion and empathy, so he sudden has to feel pain, sorrow and regret for his dispicable life. And then THAT kills him.

AlterNewt March 25, 2012 at 11:29 am

That…that…that was beautiful, darlin'.

FakaktaSouth March 25, 2012 at 11:45 am

I really wish this. Like when "the hand" made Michael Caine do all that evil stuff? And, I meant suddenly, of course…I am terrible at typing on my damn phone

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 8:00 pm

I like the way you think, FakataSouth.

vtxmcrider March 25, 2012 at 11:24 am

After the heart was implanted, doctors stimulated it to start the heartbeat. It beat very erratically for several minutes and then everyone was amazed when it finally stabilized in its new environment at 666 beats per minute.

mrblifil March 25, 2012 at 11:36 am

Apparently the donor's last sentient act was to craft a letter of apology to be presented posthumously to Cheney's family for not having passed along a heart sufficiently steeped in a lifetime of evil.

FlipOffResearch March 25, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I would like to propose a national holiday on the day this shit stain to our country finally dies.

not that Dewey March 25, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Nice Polite Republican Weekend Edition is trying to equivocate, in a civil and bipartisan fashion, why Cheney is exempt from the upper age limit for transplant recipients, and in fact exempt from all ethical considerations regarding organ transplants. And failing badly.

Biff March 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

"To know death, Otto–you must fuck life in the gall bladder."
Favorite Warhol quote of all time.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

"Andy Warhol's Frankenstein." The only film I've seen half of a decadent College audience actually walk out of.

I stayed for the whole thing.

Biff March 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I did, too. Took my female roommate to see it. She stayed, too. Could've been because I was her ride home, I'll never know.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Ha! My one pretty unshakeable friend stayed until Otto eviscerated the housekeeper, stood up , said "That's it!" and left. I was too busy laughing to try to stop him.

Biff March 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

My downfall with the roommate was of my own doing. Like so many other present-day Wonketeers, I'm known for reciting bad quotes from bad movies at entirely inappropriate times, such as the aforementioned "Otto" quote. I learned, perhaps too late, that it should nevar be uttered as a prelude to sexytime.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Hey, I just thought of a fantastic title for Dick Cheney's autobiography but, doggone it, it's already been taken.

Veritas78 March 25, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I thought you were going to suggest Mein Kampf.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Well, I would have but I've reached my Godwin Limit for this month.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Way too good for him. Try Evil: A Close-Up.

ColonelDoctor March 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I'm tearing up my card.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 2:25 pm

This one's for you, Cheney, you Evil, Cowardly Warmongering Sociopathic bag of wasted organs, you.

Isyaignert March 25, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Hey Cheney The Dick – How's that socialist gummint health care thingy paid for by US working for you? You're welcome you fukkin' asshole. I hear only the good die young, so we'll have this stain on humanity with us for a loooooooong time. Oye!

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 8:07 pm

One of my dearest friends died of a heart attack the day before his 60th birthday. It really burns me that this Incarnation of Evil lives on.

Isyaignert March 25, 2012 at 4:12 pm

OMFG – I am disgusted at the cocksukking that's going on over at The Fluffington Post. No disparaging comments are allowed to be posted, only those that say what a great American Cheney The Dick is and how people are praying for him. FUCK that – he's a GD war criminal!

GreatChristiano March 25, 2012 at 4:22 pm

We really shouldn’t be so hard on the guy.

I mean, we all really thought there were those weapons o’ mash destruction. The whole profiting thing was by accident if I unnerstand it correctly.

maw2 March 25, 2012 at 6:24 pm

You cannot post a negative thing about this on a rival news blog that shall be nameless but run by a foreign sounding lady. Anything negative is scrubbed.
It's all "God speed, sir" and "a fast recovery sir" and one even said what a wonderful man he is and all the wonderful things he has done for everyone.. I can't even type that without wanting to throw up!
A waste of a heart if you ask me. He'll turn it to stone pretty fast.

Barrelhse March 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Wouldn't it be funny if the Wonkette had such a policy- the comment section would be empty upon his timely demise.

Limeylizzie March 26, 2012 at 12:02 am

New regime less vile than HuffPo?

MaryRachelKate March 27, 2012 at 12:52 am

As the child of Christians I know this is bad but I was sooooooo offended when I heard that Cheney got a new heart. What a waste of a good heart. It should have gone to someone else. If my loved one died and I heard it went to Cheney, I would ask to take it back. I'm normally a lot nicer and a lot more polite but I really cannot stand that man.

Extemporanus March 24, 2012 at 10:55 pm
user-of-owls March 24, 2012 at 11:24 pm

There's a club for people like you. Go there, you potty mouth.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 11:30 pm

With those Owl eyes of yours, take a glance at my response upthread to Lizzie. DO NOT endo-metrical on us.

not that Dewey March 24, 2012 at 11:49 pm

I have nipples. Can you milk me?

starfanglednut March 25, 2012 at 1:13 am

Then I shall go to the retirement home and push his wheelchair down the stairs. No one hurts my frothy.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 2:16 am

(Kisses the little birdie's crest) You are so very sweet to me. I don't know how I deserved this, but I will do my best to.

Thank you, darling.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Geeze, you drop one grisly, violent movie quote and all of a sudden you get the cold shoulder? Some people are entirely too thin-skinned.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I've always wondered about you two.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Damn, I'm glad both the hubster and the wife have an EVIL sensayuma. This house is constantly filled with the worst fucking movie quotes.(Hiking with the two of them, we're always screaming "Ichi-san!" and "Scratchy-san!" on the trail. See, e.g., Zatoichi, the Blind Swordsman.)

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Now, that's funny!

Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I wasn't implying that you were lying, rather that the officers make up more serious charges (obstructing traffice and resisting arrest) in addition to the petty offenses on which they originally stop you for (i.e. jaywalking).

We know how this works. They are smart enough (and evil enough) to know that simply arresting someone for jaywalking won't fly, at least not anymore in any state outside the South. That's why they always initially stop you for some bullshit, and then tac on disturbing the peace or resisting arrest, the latter they usually add on simply for asking about your arrest.

Frothy, you really shouldn't think so little of me. I'm neither dumb nor evil. lol

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Fair enough, and I apologize for any little-thinkage.

Some of the arresting officers were actually pretty decent (not the original SOB who should only DIAF), although when I asked the one nice young guy whose car I was sitting in why he was participating in what was clearly a miscarriage of justice, he said, "Look, I'm just trying to do my job here, please don't ask me this." To his credit, he was upset about it. To his discredit, he did it anyway.

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