heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack

Vice President Dick Cheney Still Undead

MonsterFormer Vice President Dick Cheney, 71, has received a new heart, The New York Times reports.

Mr. Cheney is best known to the American public for usurping the power of the presidency from his alleged boss, George W. Bush; pushing the country to war on false pretenses; and shooting an old man in the face. At which point the old man apologized to him.

The heart is Mr. Cheney’s first.

[NYT]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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418 comments

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I doubt any organ on Breitbart would have been transplantable. Although maybe there was a ritual sacrifice component to the Black Mass that Cheney said to get anyone to do a transplant. So sure.

    1. Come here a minute

      Now that he has a heart, Cheney will turn himself in and throw himself on the mercy of the court.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      The only appropriate response I can think of is to wish this evil, murdering, war-profiteering, chickenshit, chickenhawk Cheney will die an agonizingly painful, horrible death before he goes to meet his maker Satan…he sold his soul to the devil a long time ago and he should be on trial in the Hague for war crimes not getting an undeserved heart transplant that could have saved someone actually worthy of life…what a hateful, obscene excuse for a human, Eddie Vedder says it best IMHO http://gozie.com/video/39GAH46A1YX3/eddie-vedder-

    3. Isyaignert

      I always wondered if the rest of the evil Bush cabal was hoping Cheney The Dick would die so they could blame him for all of the horrible stupid shit they're responsible for.

  1. Limeylizzie

    This really makes me want to have a card with me barring any of my organs from being implanted in a Republican.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I'm now sure that my nightmares will consist of Bob McDonnell chasing after me with a pair of rusty scissors just because he needs a new pair of gonads or a heart or something.

    2. memzilla

      I think we've discovered the real agenda of the "Stand Your Ground" laws, a/k/a "Pick Your Donor."

    3. user-of-owls

      Hello dear thing, just a note to let you know that I've stepped in it pretty extravagantly viz. the new regime, which in a fit of pique may likely deport me. Or actually, simply encourage me to self-deport, which is more tempting with every passing day. So chin up, old girl, pip pip, cheerio and all that rot. We'll always have the Nazis. Hmm, speaking of which…

      1. RadioStalingrad

        C'mon Owls, if I survived an actual banhammer, you can turn your head around. You fucking changed your drinking habits, you certainly can adjust to a regime change. You are loved here, and needed here. Hopefully, everybody else will see this sub-thread and give you a jolt of admiration. The purge is under the bridge now. Sheet, if RS didn't ban Texan Bulldog last night, she has certainly shown her tolerance.
        Eat your pride.
        Don't throw the fetus out with the amniotic fluid.
        You are the definition of Wonketz.
        This is more important than a monster getting a new chunk of myocardium and wasting medical resources.
        ♪ ♫ Soar, Owl, Soar
        The ground dwellers to ignore ♪ ♫

      2. starfanglednut

        Owls, stay. And I must say, I don't understand all this banning, and threats of banning, and fear of banning, of cherished wonketeers. Is it really necessary?

      3. FROTHY

        Please don't go. Please. This place wouldn't be the same without your scathing wit, as you well know. I know the Editrix won't banhammer you. She might punch you out if you say/said something she don't like, but she pretty much *hasn't* brought Teh Hammer o'Ban down on anyone since she first took over.

        So please. Make an old fart happy and stay.

      4. ThundercatHo

        Please don't go Mister Owls. We need your voice to withstand the ignorant hoards from ZippityDoDahistan. Besides, without you we may never know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

      5. Fukui-sanYesOta

        You must stay, dear owls. We'd be devastated if you decided to fly to newer perches.

        You're much loved here.

      6. DCBloom

        Dear Mr. Owls,
        I dont post all that often, but I am here everyday, lurking and reading all the great snark. We need your wit. Stay with us. *hugs

      7. Barb

        Oh dear, here we go again. I went on vacation last week to Vegas and I came back to posts where people spoke of my being "banned" despite the fact that I left a long post that said I was going to Vegas, something that I do once a month or so.

        I haven't seen Rebecca encourage ANYONE to "self-deport" I am not aware of ANYONE being banned either.

        Owls, you are awesome. No, make that super awesome. If you need someone to talk to I will find a way to get my e-mail address to you. Stay strong.

      8. Limeylizzie

        Darling, please stay we need your gentle snark more than ever, you are one of the reasons I came, read and stayed , so it is less of the Wonkette I love without you.

      9. Limeylizzie

        Likewise, I will get an email address to you if you ever need to talk. Let me know and we can manage it I am sure.

      10. Mumbletypeg

        Hey Owls. I’m not going to go on w/ a litany of your awesome posts-past, b/c others have sung those praises already. Nor will I try to talk you out of leaving, b/c it’s clear you’ve made up your mind.
        I just wanted you to know your avatar has me mesmerized every time I come across it, at a distance. It conveys the image of a man’s face – beard, shadowed eye sockets – yet when I hover over it for a zoom-up it’s clearly some kind of etched cartoon not at all related.. So every time I spot the avatar at-distance I am given to pondering his expression, which isn’t clearly depicted any more than that man in the moon’s “face” but I’m oddly drawn to it.
        Oh and it was more than just your snark that’s been valued here; speaking for myself I appreciated the insight you’d bring that grounded our perspective toward goings-on in your immediate (Arkansas?) locale. When one post highlighted some goofball’s behavior or some dim-witted pending legislation, I recall you chimed in to offset the collective conclusion others were drawing about your state’s populace at large. Your comment mentioned several items I couldn’t have known about, not living there. This kind of knowledge is important to me too, gleaned on wonkette, as I’m a knowledge junkie.
        Will need to “Edit” the remainder of my comment thanks to intensedebate-y parameters, so if you’re reading this via email-bypass plz find your way back here if you want to see any more of my Mumblings.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          In fact taking time off would be the better instinct, and you avians[?] know your instincts better than most. I don’t agree fully with you about the aspects of our playground here that have turned you off. I do know there are aspects I miss about the older wonkette – I peruse those archived posts and am reminded of these – but they are different.

          And I have followed w/ interest your personal sharings b/c I’ve had dysfunction wreak havoc in my family – luckily while I was too young to remember – but I was always rooting for you. More recent upheavals in my life have given me renewed appreciation of wonkette’s availability for comic relief. I had a really bad situation at home coinciding w/ last year’s Wonkmageddon; I was losing someone important in my life, & when it appeared I might lose wonkette too, I nearly thought I would break down. Wonkette was the only thing keeping me going, or nearly: my ultimate coping device! Since I couldn’t change the situation in the one world, I realized if only wonkette would find a way to stay in existence, I’d take it however I could – unlike the other situation, I *could* walk away from this if I needed and come back when recharged.
          One wonketteer whom I’d met *once* in person provided infinite reassurance and “there, there” w/ just a couple of email exchanges and traded quips on these pages. I know you can appreciate this b/c you’ve found support with similar connections here and I can attest — while I relished just the few words from that person, it didn’t take much from him to ease my mind — but also, it was moving to observe what’s been available to you during those dark spells.

        2. user-of-owls

          You are too kind, friend, and your words carry enormous weight for me and others who like you, have suffered. I hope you are in a better place now, I certainly am. In six days, I will hit the eight month mark. I owe much of that to people here, especially not my Dewey, who saved my life in a near literal sense. I did the same for him as well. That's how these things work, I suppose. Two desperate people throwing lifesavers at each other and hoping against hope that someone will be on the other end. So truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the courage you've shown both in life and in here. Oh, and not to take the mystery of of my avatar, but it is a sketch of Ah Pukuh I think, or one of the other denizens of Xibalba. It's a direct link to my user name, which comes from Popol Vuh (just add an 's' to user and you'll find it quickly). Has all sort of other embedded meanings as well, e.g., was the mascot of my doctoral institution, being a scholar, a lifelong fascination with birds, and more recently, the barred owls who keep me company as I smoke and work on the porch until the wee hours. Alas, I can't for the life of me find the exact drawing, but there are any number of very similar ones out there.

          Again, thank you for sharing and for you deeply touching words. They've lifted my rather downcast spirit, a very timely gesture given my oft-discussed (whined about) state of mind. Maybe it's a measure of just how important this place used to be that folks have become so passionate in their criticisms of the new regime. Ok, I'd best go now. It's a beautiful spring day here, with an abundance of songbirds serenading one another and better still, at or near the peak of the northbound migration of the monarchs. For all I've lost, I have been lucky enough to have gained a sense of wonder, and that is to be cherished. Abrazos, compa.

          1. Mumbletypeg

            Beautifully put! Would recommend again etc. Will reread, surely.
            (Btw I am no stranger to smoking and typing in "the smoking lounge" i.e. screened-in porch — what was it Layne once ended a post with, "Go yell at the neighbors"? — that more than once I've had to refrain myself out there during a liveblog, say, that had me hooting [no pun intended] loudly enough it probably did wake a few neighbors.)
            Off to Google the Xibalba reference, it was the remainder of my initial question I hadn't gotten around to asking, thanks! & à votre santé, may all be well w/ you.

      11. Boojum

        Please stay, owls. We need your wisdom, and that shit you do when you look at your own ass.

      12. Chet Kincaid

        Well, what the hell did you do/did the mean lady do to you? If you're gonna throw a pity party, at least entertain us with the finger food of whatever's eating your ass.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I was thinking the diner scene in Spaceballs, but I've always been a fan of campy musical numbers and Mel Brooks in particular.

  2. FROTHY

    My, my, my. That horrible old man continues to find the hearts of healthy young men to steal and stuff into his chest cavity. Ain't that a crying shame.

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      "The heart is Mr. Cheney's first."

      If only the basement of the Naval Observatory could talk….

      1. FROTHY

        One way.

        As the policeman said to me, upon my requesting where he was taking me after arresting me for jaywalking: "Where you're going, you ain't comin' back."

        We should have someone deliver Cheney's ticket with the same encouraging words.

          1. FROTHY

            Ai fink he haz retired from poleesin'. Which is just as well, since he had a serious THANG about Teh Culludz, and my town has a WHOLE lotta culludz.

          2. FROTHY

            (Kisses the little birdie's crest) You are so very sweet to me. I don't know how I deserved this, but I will do my best to.

            Thank you, darling.

          1. FROTHY

            I resent the implication that I would lie about this.

            The charges on the sheet were: Jaywalking; obstructing traffic; and resisting arrest. The arresting officer was white. The Black guard at the jail asked if my car had broken down in traffic, since I am small and well-spoken, and was dressed for the office, and it was fairly obvious from my dress and demeanour that I had not been leading a crazed mob through the streets.

          2. Negropolis

            I wasn't implying that you were lying, rather that the officers make up more serious charges (obstructing traffice and resisting arrest) in addition to the petty offenses on which they originally stop you for (i.e. jaywalking).

            We know how this works. They are smart enough (and evil enough) to know that simply arresting someone for jaywalking won't fly, at least not anymore in any state outside the South. That's why they always initially stop you for some bullshit, and then tac on disturbing the peace or resisting arrest, the latter they usually add on simply for asking about your arrest.

            Frothy, you really shouldn't think so little of me. I'm neither dumb nor evil. lol

          3. FROTHY

            Fair enough, and I apologize for any little-thinkage.

            Some of the arresting officers were actually pretty decent (not the original SOB who should only DIAF), although when I asked the one nice young guy whose car I was sitting in why he was participating in what was clearly a miscarriage of justice, he said, "Look, I'm just trying to do my job here, please don't ask me this." To his credit, he was upset about it. To his discredit, he did it anyway.

          1. FROTHY

            Precisely. The *guard* advised me to contact the Police Review Board and lodge a complaint. And brought me my cigarettes and matches, and put me in a cell with a working telephone.

            Whereupon I called the office (I worked in a law office in those days), and one of my colleagues, who had been employed in the D.A.'s office before she came to work for us, called the PD and apparently tore them several new orifices.

    1. OhNoGuy

      Does Hallmark make something that looks (and smells) like a colostomy bag? With "Get dead soon!" printed on it.

    2. Veritas78

      A bag of lightly-salted poisoned rat dicks is always appropriate.

      (When Jim regains consciousness, he'll appreciate the plagiarism.)

    3. Serolf_Divad

      My first thought was "a rattlesnake" but then I realized that it would probably just curl up next to him and go to sleep while Cheney gently stroked its scales with an evil smile on his lips.

    1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      I say this pretty often, but it's hard being an atheist and realizing that people don't actually get their so-called "afterlife reward".

  3. SorosBot

    Wait, didn't the doctors who helped Dick Cheney survive longer violate the Hippocratic Oath?

  4. chascates

    Thank goodness socialized medicine is around to pay for that. Although I would have volunteered for the death panels in this case.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Okay, if this doesn't fucking give the lie to the whole death panel bullshit, nothing will. A 71 year old with a history of poor living, bad habits and 5 heart attacks gets a heart? Really? Not if there were any actual rational decision making going on.

    1. FROTHY

      Couldn't be. That Evil Dark Overlord doesn't have space in is chest cavity for anything so warm, wonderful, loving, etc. as our Barb's uterus. Much more likely to be a leftover rectum after bowel resectioning.

          1. RadioStalingrad

            With those Owl eyes of yours, take a glance at my response upthread to Lizzie. DO NOT endo-metrical on us.

    2. Barb

      Great! I spent $37,000.00 to have 2 grapefruit-sized, 2 orange-sized and 2 lemon-sized tumors removed and they give it to Cheney. Wait until he gets those once-a-month blood transfusions and cramps that will cause him to faint when he tries to stand.

      Good luck with my liver, bitches!

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Well no wonder it was having problems – you were smuggling fruit in there! Silly Barb, they have bags for that.

      2. Extemporanus

        Barbarella, you're the only person whom I've ever met with a Del Monte fruit cocktail can for a vagina. It's good to know that you recycle.

        (I live right next door to a convalescent center, and I can tell you from experience that — cherry or not — Oldz such as Cheney gum that syrupy stuff by the boxful.)

        1. Barb

          Extemporanus, if ever Wonkette needed another writer you would get a brazillion votes from me, seriously. I'm not just saying that either.

          1. RadioStalingrad

            Like you Barb, for a while I thought Wonkette Jr. was our favorite Pedobear. And also, too, could you give the Owls a vote of confidence?

        1. Barb

          Morning Flaming! I love that link and I am going to send it to my surgeon "The Vagina Whisperer"

          There are days when I get 300-400 responses and I don't get to see them all. Just chase me down and slap me in the back of the head to get my attention., please.

          What color replacement uterus should I get?

          1. flamingpdog

            I like the multicolored one in the upper left hand corner, except for something else in place of the green.

    1. tessiee

      Ruby slippers for me?

      Slightly OT but true: Last summer, it was a warm afternoon, so I'm waiting at an outdoor table to meet friends, and this total stranger comes out of the coffee shop wearing RUBY CONVERSE ALL-STARS!!

    2. stncmchnc

      Birth control for Dorothy. Take this aspirin and hold it between your knees my Pretty! My apologies to the Wicked Witch of the West, and what the hell, Jack Nicholson.

      1. Negropolis

        But, she has to click her heels together to get home. How the hell she's gonna' do that with an aspirin between her knees?

  5. Naked_Bunny

    I assume that Cheney, being undead, is a Hordie. My question is, what server and guild does he belong to?

    1. OurDailyBread

      Bah, no self-respecting orc, troll, tauren or even undead would have him.

      Hell, the Lich King doesn't even want him, for fear that Cheney would have a successful coup.

      On second thought, maybe Cheney is the Lich King.

  6. SorosBot

    Cheney's grim visage still scares me; and that picture was not a good image to get on my monitor right after getting off a long Skype session with the girlfriend.

      1. SorosBot

        Well it was, but luckily not too hard to get over; but seeing Palpatine up there just sends waves of dread through my body, and if that had interrupted us I don't know if we could have recovered.

  7. gullywompr

    The medical staff at Fairfax Inova Hospital's cardiac care unit are truly geniuses. We gotta take those bastards out.

    1. finallyhappy

      I was listening to WTOP when this news came in and I was right across from Navy medical/walter reed(whatever it is being called) at that moment-but then they said it was at Inova.

      1. gullywompr

        Cheney probably thought about the latest couple of thousand headstones at Arlington, looked at his KBR stock, and then decided that he'd better stay out of military hospitals.

  8. Citizen Kitteh

    Even Cheney had to wait 20 months for a heart? Was there some special requirements that disqualified regular human hearts?

      1. chascates

        He has vowed to continued. CNN quoted him as saying the amount of people who come up to him and tell him to remain in the race are 'remarkable'.

        His wife, campaign staff, Tiffany consultant, etc.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Every democrat he meets, too. Of course, he doesn't hear the chuckling afterward, as he's waddling away.

    1. Sassomatic

      Of course he did. The electorate here is now divided between Jesus freaks and people who don't give enough of a fuck to actually go vote.

  9. Guppy

    Mr. Cheney, 71, who has suffered five heart attacks

    And they still considered him a transplant candidate? Was it the same scheme that got Steve Jobs his liver?

    1. Biff

      You know, I'm not convinced he "suffered" those heart attacks, but that he rather enjoyed them. Nothing like gripping chest pain to know you're alive, amirite?

  10. SkinnyNerd

    So what evil organ was removed to make room for a heart in that dark and dangerous torso?

  11. C_R_Eature

    Say what you will about Richard Bruce Cheney. People who truly know him say that he has the heart of a small child.

    Every night. With fava beans and a nice Chianti.

    1. MadBrahms

      You beat me by mere seconds! Still, like Dick himself, jokes about Cheney eating hearts are immortal.

        1. C_R_Eature

          “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”
          ― Robert Bloch

          I originally saw this referenced by Arthur C. Clarke – of all people – but I can't find where, right now… I've been waiting for years to use it on Cheney this way.

    2. FROTHY

      It's a *heart,* darlz, not a *liver.* The sides were probably fresh steamed lady fingers, lightly buttered, and baby potatoes, and the accompaniment — why, a young white, of course.

  12. MadBrahms

    We have no evidence that "received a new heart" doesn't mean "to eat, in an elaborate ceremony dedicated to the dark lord".

    (Also, Rebecca, if that's a Billy Joel reference in the title, I could not love you more.)

    1. bumfug

      I'm pretty sure the title is a reference to an old SNL running gag by Chevy Chase, mocking the neverending death watch of fascist dictator Francisco Franco.

      1. MadBrahms

        Oh, now I remember that gag! Well, it can be both, and I'm still "movin' out" (to Canada) if this guy ever approaches a position of power again.

    2. OhNoGuy

      We have no evidence that "received a new heart" means the heart of a mammal, much less a human. Alligator is my guess. Cold blooded, doesn't know right from wrong, eats pets and small children. I rest my case.

  13. hollywooddood

    I wonder which young person in need of a transplant must die so Dick can live. The thought of that won't bother him, though, so never mind.

    1. MadBrahms

      Virgins must be sacrificed to Dick Cheney each year to keep the sun coming up.

      Unfortunately due to birth control, all women are now sluts, and the world is doomed.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      This is why the healthcare system sucks. Rationing is happening right now, but it is utterly irrational in its distribution, with rich fuckers gaming the system. It is like when Jerry Garcia got a new liver – although at least with Jerry, there was the whole history of making beautiful art (and some really interesting ties) to at least sort of defend it.

      1. DCBloom

        It wasn't Jerry who got a liver, it was bassist Phil Lesh. At his shows he does what is referred to as his "donor rap" where he urges folks to become a donor.

        The difference is that Phil deserved his liver. He took very good care of himself and waited for it for a long time. Also. Phil's liver problem was not due to drinking.

        OT- I was at a Dead show years ago, we went to eat at a place in Berkeley that had one of those claw machines where you get stuffed animals. I got a bear and named him "Berkeley Bear" still have him after all these years

    1. flamingpdog

      I just got home from dinner, but I'm going back out to the pawn shop to see if they have any rusty chainsaws.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I'd love for him to live in an incapacitated state long enough to see Dems take back Congress, but that might require creation of sci-fi level stasis chambers.

  14. chascates

    Oh, it was probably just a condemned person in China. The BBC said that's where 2/3 of their donated organs come from but the current regime hopes to reduce that number.

    1. MadBrahms

      God, don't we have any industry left in this country? This is just like the man with the yellow shirts and the gong sound effects said it was.

      1. chascates

        Take heart brother! We still lead the world in undeserving, shallow celebrities, puritanical, hypocritical politicians, and witty, intelligent bloggers!

    2. Bezoar

      Worse than you know; apparently, some years back the Chinese authorities rounded up thousands of practitioners or adherents of the Falun Gong movement, and imprisoned them, where they are kept until a wealthy customer for a kidney transplant comes along. Then they are typed and crossmatched, and the most suitable prisoner goes to the operating room and is murdered in the course of organ donation. In other words, the Chinese government appears to be complicit in systematic homicide for organ transplantation for profit. http://organharvestinvestigation.net/

      1. FROTHY

        I was going to say something extremely cruel about the Falun Gong practitioners, but had a sudden bout of (not-Editrix-induced) conscience. Instead, I'll just point out that with a world population of 7.x billion and growing, we ourselves are making human life cheaper. Right before we drown in our own waste, anyway.

  15. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I want to know how he got on the list. He's frail and evil… that should have kicked him right off.

  16. MadBrahms

    Wait for the Republicans to use this to make a point about socialism: "If Cheney lived in the UK, he'd be dead"

    …at which point a petition begins to circulate demanding Cheney's deportation to the UK

    1. MadBrahms

      (Central, but eh, pedantry)

      It was especially problematic since no one in the GOP knows how to speak Messican.

      1. C_R_Eature

        It turned out okay because they just spoke REALLY REALLY LOUD.

        and thanks for the correction, Sloppy of me.

  17. C_R_Eature

    "Annnnd…the Most Appropriate use of Alt-Text Gold Medallion goes to…"
    (aside) "The envelope, please. Thanks."
    *tear*
    REBECCA SCHOENKOPF! " Come on up!"

  18. DWW

    In an immediate aftereffect he wanted to read Lady Chatterley's Lover…

    He is now kept strictly under surveillance…

        1. FROTHY

          I wish it *would* happen, but I know it won't. Bad precedent. Hopey would be risking his life, and his family's, giving this schmuck the future he deserves.

  19. bumfug

    Donor was an otherwise healthy jackal who suffered a fatal head wound. The jackal's family was dismayed, "We'd hoped it would go to someone who wouldn't embarrass our species."

    1. tessiee

      "Donor was an otherwise healthy jackal who suffered a fatal head wound"

      During an…
      unfortunate incident…
      on a hunting trip.

    1. vtxmcrider

      For the first time in history, anti-rejection medicine is required for the organ instead of for the individual.

  20. owhatever

    The old heart gave out as the Dick was running from his past.

    Rebecca — Can't outsnark you on this one. Brilliant intro.

  21. Deportably_Jose

    Also, I'm wondering whether they used an actual human heart. It's true that xenotransplantation carried higher risks, but it's really hard to find viable cacodemon hearts.

  22. pinkocommi

    In lieu of sending flowers to Mr. Cheney to celebrate his new heart, might I suggest sending him a hoodie?

  23. coolhandnuke

    Dick Cheney is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

    1. pinkocommi

      So, you are admitting you have never known anyone but Dick Cheney in your whole life… I feel sad for you.

  24. Chichikovovich

    [I'll just repost what I put on the OT thread about this under the last article]

    No snark, just an observation. Cheney is 71 years old, and not a particularly robust physical specimen even aside from the age and bad heart. There are always more patients in need of hearts than there are recipients, and so this old man was moved ahead of some people much younger, who have much more of their lives to live, and perhaps young children.

    [Though it occurs to me perhaps the drastic weight loss he has displayed recently was not a result of ill health as people have speculated, but rather required in order to be eligible for the transplant. Perhaps he was able to pull strings to get a heart into a 71-year old, but putting a precious donor heart into an obese 71-year old may have been a bridge too far even for the people who were willing to otherwise bend the rules for an influential donation candidate.]

    1. RadioStalingrad

      Likewise Chich, I'll paste my reply:

      Politics in transplants? No, no, Chich. The medical profession, especially hospital administrators, are highly ethical. BTW, did i mention that Inova Health System made $230 million in 2010 and $130 million in 2011 as a "not for profit?"

      1. UW8316154

        Just like there certainly are no big drug companies or financial incentives influencing the oncologists who earn money selling chemotherapy to cancer patients.

    2. FROTHY

      This evil man had his *first* heart attack at the age of 37. I guess if I were Cheney's heart, I, too, would feel obliged to leap out of his chest and attempt to strangle the ever-loving shit out of him. Why they put a heart into this multiple-attack-waiting-to-happen when they refused Nataline Sarkisian a *liver* transplant at the age of 17 will always baffle me.

  25. Poindexter718

    So when he comes to, who's gonna tell him Padme died in childbirth? Cuz I think he's gonna be upset.

  26. tessiee

    I suppose we have to consider this a step up from his usual habit of eating the hearts of the poor:
    "Oh, Mr. Vice President, not *again*!"
    "Their fear makes them taste so good!"

    1. MadBrahms

      They'd better watch just how much of the social safety net they shred, though. If they cut food stamps too far, those hearts are going to get all stringy.

  27. Dudleydidwrong

    This is the first time that a Tasmanian devil's heart has been successfully placed into a human or a semi-human. The Tasmanian devil's union has vowed to make it the last time this occurs. In response to this news, Cheney replied "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

  28. flamingpdog

    Rebecca, I hope you have an emergency plan in place for when Lord Cheney finally kicks the bucket, so you'll be able to deal with the server overload and still find time to ban hammer everybody* who breaks the new rules of civility.

    *which likely will be everybody.

    1. tessiee

      Not to mention the people — one or two at first, then dozens, then hundreds — who come forward to confess to murdering him.

      1. flamingpdog

        Yeah, like in the scene in "Spartacus" where when asked which one of them was Spartacus, hundreds of them yelled "I'm Spartcus". Hopefully Darth's murderers don't all end up being nailed to a tree.

      1. FROTHY

        Like who, exactly? I'm not seeing anyone gone that doesn't show up a few days later with a "Oh, I was out of town" excuse.

  29. docterry6973

    This is….wonderful news for…him and his…loved ones…who…

    NO, NO! This guy had hundreds of thousands of people killed in a cynical scheme to steal Iran's oil and enrich Haliburton and himself. If there is a God, Cheney only got this heart so that he could spend at least a decade in six by eight cell.

  30. ttommyunger

    Here's fondly wishing the heart is that of a Muslim, thereby guaranteeing mutual rejection.

      1. ttommyunger

        That case is a little to pat for me so far. The note, the weapon, the scene of the crime. I'm not jumping on the hate crime bandwagon yet on this one.

  31. flamingpdog

    OT, but WARNING: If you should receive an e-mail titled "Nude photo of Newt Gingrich" with an attachment, DON"T OPEN IT!!!

    It's a nude photo of Newt Gingrich.

      1. flamingpdog

        Not really, LL. I'll be doing stand-up at the Michael Steele Lesbian Comedy Club all weekend.

  32. SpeedoFart

    The longer Cheney continues to live WITHOUT HIS OWN HEART, the more and more I doubt my atheism. I mean, if there's any evidence that someone has made a deal with the Devil, I think this is it.

    1. RadioStalingrad

      Awesome, that's our grandcommy-ma. I can't believe that the wingtards haven't jumped all over this: Obama Shakes Hands, Jokes and is Lighthearted with Known Marxist.

  33. Serfville

    Heart #3 is in an "underground undisclosed location" and/or in a lockbox, the code of which is: 666

  34. Negropolis

    What the news is failing to report is that in order for the heart to stick, he needed a blood transfusion from six-hundred-and-sixty-six fetuses, ten litres of children's tears, and the sacrifice of untold numbers of kittens to the Prince of Air.

  35. DerrickWildcat

    I am immediately reminded of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame first inductee, The Angry Samoan's award winning song, "They Saved Hitler's Cock"

    They saved Hitler's cock, They hid it under a rock. I discovered it, last night. I couldn't even, believe my eyes.
    If Hitler's cock could start to talk, it would say: To kill today.
    If Hitler's cock could choose it's mate, it would ask, for Sharon Tate!

    They saved Hitler's cock. They stuffed it in Mengele's sock
    They saved Hitler's cock, and now it wants to talk.

    Now it's starting to get hard, I found it in my backyard. Every night it kills a dog, and now it wants, some night and fog
    Hitler's cock is on the move, and now I'm scared of what it's gonna do!

    Here they are performing it at the Grammys http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQjlP_JB5jM

    1. TheSheriffsNear

      Wow! That took me back to my mispent youth! That's off their second album. I remember a review in some LA music-scene magazine citing this song with the comment "Just in case you thought they'd mellowed out."

  36. Bezoar

    You know, now that he needs to be maintained in a state of continuous immunosuppression, he lives on the razor's edge between rejection and infection/malignancy. And, the immunosuppressant drugs used will surely slowly destroy his renal function, leading to dialysis. And diabetes is also a looming near-certainty. The more he resists his death, the longer and more miserable and degraded his life will become. I guess maybe the Karma is getting him.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I always have so much admiration for people who say, "Enough's enough, I'm going to go with dignity when it's my time." I'm not surprised Dick Cheney wouldn't be one of those people.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Of course he wants to postpone his death. Just imagine the kind of horrendous Contract he's had to sign with Old Scratch.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Biel_ze_Bubba, sitting at his huge desk made of human bones, mutters "those Fucking Bells…" keys the sound system on the Universal Remote, punching up the volume on Sympathy for the Devil.

            Bends down to finish up the paperwork on Richard Bruce Cheney.

            "Let's see… extend lifespan 12 years. In exchange… Eternity of night perimeter patrols in Quảng Trị province, Vietnam in 1968.
            Heh, heh, heh."

  37. docterry6973

    During the transplant the surgeon's hands were briefly transformed into black leathery claws while fumes of sulphur swirled through the operating theater. You don't often see that.

  38. ThundercatHo

    Was Eric Cantor found in a cheap motel bathtub filled with ice and a note reading "Please don't touch the jellyfish. Love, John Boehner"?

  39. arihaya

    big chance the heart is from some recently-excecuted corrupt Chinese politician, who stole pensions of people who worked in a sweatshop for off-shored company

    so this heart is basically as evil as old heart

  40. Negropolis

    You see, this is why we went to Iraq: Hearts for Cheney. And, damnit, if he didn't kill enough people to live forever, the dirty bastard. But, the truth is that evil rots you from the inside out, and this man hasn't truly lived for generations; he's simply existed. Burning that dark side power is burning the candle at both ends.

    They say a heart transplant can change a person psychologically. He better hope that it does.

  41. DaRooster

    (Snark Off)
    It truly amazes me that there are so many people mortally wounded in this country daily yet we still hear so few stories of transplants. (I got a call at 3 am that my son had been stabbed. He was lucky because it was in his arm… I am worried about future use due to his art… . which is why I am feeling the compassion of immortality right now)
    The waiting list is very long and I understand Cheney has probably been on it for some time. I believe that everyone I know is a donor yet so few organs get used. There has got to be a better way to cut the red tape and allow for more life saving donations… make sure your family knows that you want to be a donor

    (Snark On)
    Cheney? Why?

    1. FROTHY

      I'm so sorry to hear about your son, Rooster. Here's wishing for a full recovery. (Hugs Rooster & Son).

      Like you, I ask: Dear god, why?

      1. DaRooster

        Thanks.
        Like me he waited until after 18 to make some big mistakes and is now on probation. He couldn't go to the hospital because one lick of trouble he could go to prison. I patched him up best I could but he will visit a doctor friend today and we'll go from there. I did see him yesterday and he looked good. We made a makeshift sling. We have not had many good conversations in the past few years but I stressed to him (and he didn't storm away) that he has to chose his battles, not everything has to be a fight and it does not mean you are not a man if you chose to walk away… you can be more of a man.
        I am glad I have always been as intelligent as I am now.
        Thank you again for the wishes.

        1. FROTHY

          Sounds like he might be willing to *listen,* at least. I hope you will soon be able to embrace each other with love and put this pain behind you.

          You're always welcome, my friend.

  42. LiveToServeYa

    In life, Dick Cheney received five draft deferments. In un-death, he's going for the same number of death deferments.

  43. Veritas78

    Ya do know that now there's no reason now why the deadlocked Republican convention will not nominate him as their candidate? Except he might be too moderate.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      I read that as "dreadlocked Republican convention" and had a vision of a roomful of Rastafarians trying to decide which evil bastard to nominate.

  44. BlueStateLibel

    Such unhappy news for a Sunday morning. As another Wonkette commentator once lamented, how many deferments is this motherfuckers going to get?

  45. SpeedoFart

    The more I think about Cheney's new heart, the more enraged I get. The man has had, what, 5 heart attacks? How in the ever-loving fuck was he allowed on the donor list? That heart should have gone to someone who was in better health, with a better chance of living a long life, not to some vile, undead, warmongering, country destroying asshole who really should just be dead by now.

    Someone died so Cheney's life could be prolonged. *spits* There is no justice in this world.

    1. FROTHY

      *This* is why we snark, dood. If ya don't *snark* at this stuff, you'll just end up slitting the old wrist-veins.

      Nataline Sarkisian. Remember her name.

        1. FROTHY

          (Hugs teh Speedo)

          Fear not! Snark glands are INFINITELY self-renewing. Tomorrow you'll wake up and feel *extra*-snarky, and marvel at your own resilience.

  46. DemonicRage

    With a life expectancy now of 5 years, how many Fox news conference interviews does that mean we can look forward to, with him pissing out of his mouth over anything Hopey does or says?

  47. FakaktaSouth

    My hope is that the heart infiltrates the man – therefore changing his basic, ingrained, inborn evil nature into one with compassion and empathy, so he sudden has to feel pain, sorrow and regret for his dispicable life. And then THAT kills him.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I really wish this. Like when "the hand" made Michael Caine do all that evil stuff? And, I meant suddenly, of course…I am terrible at typing on my damn phone

  48. vtxmcrider

    After the heart was implanted, doctors stimulated it to start the heartbeat. It beat very erratically for several minutes and then everyone was amazed when it finally stabilized in its new environment at 666 beats per minute.

  49. mrblifil

    Apparently the donor's last sentient act was to craft a letter of apology to be presented posthumously to Cheney's family for not having passed along a heart sufficiently steeped in a lifetime of evil.

  50. not that Dewey

    Nice Polite Republican Weekend Edition is trying to equivocate, in a civil and bipartisan fashion, why Cheney is exempt from the upper age limit for transplant recipients, and in fact exempt from all ethical considerations regarding organ transplants. And failing badly.

    1. C_R_Eature

      "Andy Warhol's Frankenstein." The only film I've seen half of a decadent College audience actually walk out of.

      I stayed for the whole thing.

      1. Biff

        I did, too. Took my female roommate to see it. She stayed, too. Could've been because I was her ride home, I'll never know.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Ha! My one pretty unshakeable friend stayed until Otto eviscerated the housekeeper, stood up , said "That's it!" and left. I was too busy laughing to try to stop him.

          1. Biff

            My downfall with the roommate was of my own doing. Like so many other present-day Wonketeers, I'm known for reciting bad quotes from bad movies at entirely inappropriate times, such as the aforementioned "Otto" quote. I learned, perhaps too late, that it should nevar be uttered as a prelude to sexytime.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Geeze, you drop one grisly, violent movie quote and all of a sudden you get the cold shoulder? Some people are entirely too thin-skinned.

          3. FROTHY

            Damn, I'm glad both the hubster and the wife have an EVIL sensayuma. This house is constantly filled with the worst fucking movie quotes.(Hiking with the two of them, we're always screaming "Ichi-san!" and "Scratchy-san!" on the trail. See, e.g., Zatoichi, the Blind Swordsman.)

  51. Isyaignert

    Hey Cheney The Dick – How's that socialist gummint health care thingy paid for by US working for you? You're welcome you fukkin' asshole. I hear only the good die young, so we'll have this stain on humanity with us for a loooooooong time. Oye!

    1. FROTHY

      One of my dearest friends died of a heart attack the day before his 60th birthday. It really burns me that this Incarnation of Evil lives on.

  52. Isyaignert

    OMFG – I am disgusted at the cocksukking that's going on over at The Fluffington Post. No disparaging comments are allowed to be posted, only those that say what a great American Cheney The Dick is and how people are praying for him. FUCK that – he's a GD war criminal!

  53. GreatChristiano

    We really shouldn’t be so hard on the guy.

    I mean, we all really thought there were those weapons o’ mash destruction. The whole profiting thing was by accident if I unnerstand it correctly.

  54. maw2

    You cannot post a negative thing about this on a rival news blog that shall be nameless but run by a foreign sounding lady. Anything negative is scrubbed.
    It's all "God speed, sir" and "a fast recovery sir" and one even said what a wonderful man he is and all the wonderful things he has done for everyone.. I can't even type that without wanting to throw up!
    A waste of a heart if you ask me. He'll turn it to stone pretty fast.

    1. Barrelhse

      Wouldn't it be funny if the Wonkette had such a policy- the comment section would be empty upon his timely demise.

  55. MaryRachelKate

    As the child of Christians I know this is bad but I was sooooooo offended when I heard that Cheney got a new heart. What a waste of a good heart. It should have gone to someone else. If my loved one died and I heard it went to Cheney, I would ask to take it back. I'm normally a lot nicer and a lot more polite but I really cannot stand that man.

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