A SOUL IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE  8:29 pm March 23, 2012

Toxic Cannibal Newt Gingrich Manages to Find Obama’s Trayvon Comments ‘Disgraceful’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

The horrorWell, guess we got one more post in us this evening, huh? Here we were, drinking wine, sitting on the couch, and braiding Kirsten Boyd Johnson’s hair, and this little bit of happiness and rainbows and unicorns and magic flitted across our (somewhat impaired) field of vision: Newt Gingrich, Great White Hope, has turned his attention from protecting the honor of white ladies from Robert DeNiro’s terribly offensive (not at all offensive) jokes, and focused instead on the honor of everyone in this great nation of ours who had the misfortune to not be born black. See, the President noted, somberly and steadily, that Trayvon Martin looked like he could have been his son. Even the Daily Caller, try though it did, wasn’t able to find anything wrong with Obama’s statement itself, only that it had clearly been made at the behest of the Black Panthers, because duh of course it was. But you, Newton, are a special fellow. Open that pretty piehole, show us what you’re working with: “What the president said, in a sense, is disgraceful.” Because the president is racist? Yes.

“It’s not a question of who that young man looked like. Any young American of any ethnic background should be safe, period. We should all be horrified no matter what the ethnic background.

“Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK because it didn’t look like him. That’s just nonsense dividing this country up. It is a tragedy this young man was shot. It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American. At some point, we ought to talk about being Americans. When things go wrong to an American, it is sad for all Americans. Trying to turn it into a racial issue is fundamentally wrong. I really find it appalling.”

So what Newt Gingrich is “working with” then is “unallayed fucking sociopathic evil.” What did we say this morning? Yes, here it is, ctrl-c/ctrl-v:

But how can a black man be in charge of the Executive Branch when the Justice Department is investigating a possible hate crime against a black boy? That would be like a black man pointing out that it’s stupid for a cop to arrest a black man in his own home for suspecting him of being an intruder, or a gay judge being in charge of a case about gayness. Unpossible! Racism! Bias!

Right. Haha, remember, like 9 hours ago, when that was funny? (Eh, it was never that funny.) So how many hours did that take you, Newty, to decide to let it all go, that last shred of humanity that might have been hiding in there, the speck that knew you were doing wrong before you did it anyway? When did you decide, for your ambitions, to go full-Colonel Kurtz and let all your homicidal tendencies run free? Newt Gingrich, destroyer of souls, ruiner of humanity, really not-good-looking manthing! It’s got a good beat! You could dance to it! Anyhoo, sure hope you at last manage to peel off a few voters from Santorum, otherwise that just wasn’t a very good deal you got for what was left of your soul. [National Journal]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 554 comments }

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Feckless Food Stamp President Engages in Race-Baiting, Says Gingrich

Greta_Garbage March 24, 2012 at 5:03 am

NEWT!!!! how did you get back here? i thought i flushed you down the toilet stool yesterday…….

DrunkIrishman March 23, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Newt, guess what, NO ONE LIKES YOU. You're not even popular in your own backward, ignorant, racist party. So, please, for the sake of all that is Holy, take your bloated, smelly, cellulite ass and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Please. Just chow down on a goddamn Big Mac, choke, die and rot in the fucking ground because the only thing you're good for is being fertilizer to Mother Earth.

Barrelhse March 23, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Bitch is probably toxic.

stncmchnc March 23, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Not 100% toxic, she doesn't bleach her roots.

Texan_Bulldog March 23, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Mmmm….Big Mac. (Sorry, I got distracted & I'm kind of hungry.)

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I got distracted by Death Wish III and the fact that DI got away with new rules violation.

redarmyzombie March 23, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Well yes, but it's not a death *THREAT*: ergo…

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Unless, of course, he was a McEmployed.

commiegirl March 23, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Hi all! Just finishing up my 14-hour day. Long one, huh? You all good? Can I get you anything? Texan, how about you? Can I maybe stop "annoying" you by writing the way I do, on my website that apparently you own now, and are the editor of? While I'm here, fuck you for acting like I delete people for being critical of me. And also too, fuck you for being a whiny bitch. K, all, 'nite!

xoxo
Beccalou

Schmannnity March 23, 2012 at 11:06 pm

The box wine is talking.

Chichikovovich March 23, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Can I get you anything?

Well, um, I guess maybe, uh, a glass of orange juice would be nice….

Oh. Wait…. I get it. That was, like, sarcasm, wasn't it? Ooops. Well, I'll just be heading home now…

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 11:31 pm

C'mon Momma, didn't KBJ give you a nice massage, candles, aromatherapy, a glass of whine?
I, for one, love the new muscular Wonketz. And I'm the one who almost lost my membership — for what I totally assure you was a misunderstanding. I've always had a weakness for cute, jewess, strong, funny ladies. And the last two weeks have only reinforced those proclivities.
I don't know if you're being satirical, but I can assure you, we are.
Keep on Rockin' n Ravin'
Abrasos y besos
RadioRespect

Texan_Bulldog March 23, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Sensitive much? I thought I deleted this comment earlier so as not to hurt your feelings but guess not. I didn't know you owned Wonkette since I've been here since before the PUMA wars (which you probably don't even know what I'm talking about). Not sure why 'annoying' is in quotes since I never used that word but can say that hope you feel better after venting. If you ban me, all I can say is that it's been fun!

Barb March 23, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Barb slides her lunch money toward BeccaLou……
Run, the Homecoming Queen's got a gun!

Texan, I don't need to kiss Rebecca's ass because I am wealthy and I don't need a job or anything from her. I like the woman! If you don't, that is your right. Just stop coming here and no one is going to miss you. Stop sitting behind a made up name and tossing garbage at her. Spank your inner moppet and grow the hell up, seriously.

I enjoy coming here every day and seeing the talent of the posters, the incredible wit, the cheesy puns, the human stories that make you think and yes, Rebecca and the rest of the staff. Okay, maybe not Newell because he got a restraining order against me. Only 317 days left on that court order, Newell and you and I shall dance the forbidden dance again.

Rebecca didn't do anything to you or anyone else.

redarmyzombie March 24, 2012 at 12:33 am

Now, hold on a tic, Ms./Mrs./Not-Sure-Which-Prefix-To-Use Editrix. I understand it's been a long day, and believe me, I understand people are grating. I get it. I dig. However, I am uncertain as to whether this is the appropriate manner in which to respond. After all, as our Editrix-In-Chief, you bear the ultimate authority, and with that comes a certain expectation in how one responds to criticism. For instance, rather than respond with "fuck you", I feel it would be much more erudite and mature to respond with, "Why yes, I am the owner of this here fine establishment in which satire is served. Now, all I've done is set down some common-sense rules with only the utmost respect in regards to mah (my) commentin' clientele, and if you disagree with that, well, you are free to take you patronage somewhere else."

Now, I realize the words "Wonkette" and "mature" do not go together with the exception of the affirmation in the negatory; however, as a fine cultured gentleman, I feel that in the long run, this may be the most rewarding of methods in which to partake.

Now, in the event you respond to my humble postulation and I find myself too predisposed to reply, I'd like to wish you all a real good day now. or night. Dependin' on which time zone you happen to reside in. Y'all take care now, y'hear?

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:09 am

Hey, if there's any hot kiss-and-make-up sexytime activitites after all the fighting is over, would someone please be so kind as to let me know so I can ask if I can join in? Even though I was somewhere else on teh internetz looking at French pornpronunciation tips while the tiff was going on.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 2:06 am

"You're no Newell or Layne" And your dog learned to scoot his ass across the carpet by watching you do it.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 4:41 am

Texan_bulldog, I just squandered 15 minutes of my life to post a 10 paragraph response to you and then deleted it.

Suck it, I said, SUCK IT! Take Dashboard_Jesus and suck it until your empty heads implode.

I will be back in the morning. I'm hoping for that really hot guy to bring me coffee in the morning, as he usually does.

not that Dewey March 24, 2012 at 7:00 pm

In other words, you're not touchy about criticism. Got it.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I'm not at all sure that Newt is even good for being fertilizer to Mother Earth. You ever seen what happens to the grass in a lawn where a dog has dropped a pile of dog shit?

BerkeleyBear March 23, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Yeah, I'm guessing it'll be like how the WH garden couldn't be certified organic because of the toxic sludge the Clinton's put on it.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Tyson Chicken parts?

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 10:43 pm

"the only thing you're good for is being fertilizer to Mother Earth."

"Hang yourself over a compost pit, using a hemp, NOT NYLON, rope. If you MUST leave a note, write it on bark." — National Lampoon, circa 1972

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 12:30 am

"Ah, yes. The Classics."
-Spock

DerrickWildcat March 24, 2012 at 2:46 am

What are all you guys doing on here? Don't you know, "Horror Express" is on TCM right now? It has Christopher Lee AND Peter Cushing! There is like the Missing Link monster on a train and it strangles you until your eyes start bleeding! I think it can hypnotize you too with it's glowing red eye!

DerrickWildcat March 24, 2012 at 3:19 am

Oh no, the monster got inside of Telly Savalas' head!

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 4:01 am

I saw "monster" and "hypnotize you with its glowing red eye" and I thought "Wait a minute! I thought this was a post about Gingrich, not the Anal Cyst poster douche."

Angry_Marmot March 24, 2012 at 8:45 am

Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time…?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm

That sounds almost as good as "Bubba Ho-Tep."

Greta_Garbage March 24, 2012 at 5:05 am

apparently mrs gingrich did not take advantage of her husbands excellent healthcare plan and have an abortion…………

DrunkIrishman March 24, 2012 at 6:43 am

Uh…sorry, guys?

imissopus March 23, 2012 at 8:34 pm

You had me at "drinking wine and braiding KBJ's hair."

Sparky McGruff March 23, 2012 at 9:08 pm

What's spooky is that KBJ isn't there. HOW'D SHE GET HOLD OF ALL THAT HAIR? HENNGGGH?

Geminisunmars March 23, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I move that all us Wonketteers have a sleepover with wine and hair braiding!!

imissopus March 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Why not? My back hair could use a saucy new look.

Limeylizzie March 23, 2012 at 9:26 pm

That sounds fun and really creepy.

Fare la Volpe March 24, 2012 at 8:06 am

How about wine and hair pulling instead?

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 9:30 am

Cocoa and spanking ?

Boojum_Reborn March 23, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Oh, second, second!

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 9:29 pm

And exactly which hair is Rebecca braiding on a Friday evening? Um, brb!

redarmyzombie March 23, 2012 at 10:27 pm

O.o
Uhhhm…be right back!
*hurk*

Crank_Tango March 24, 2012 at 12:23 am

pics or GTFO, also!

horsedreamer_1 March 24, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Let's just leave it at she's a fan of the First Brother-in-law's college team.

Dirt_Dog March 23, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Yes, oh pretty please. Ditch the politics and give us more "drinking wine and braiding KBJ's hair" and where it leads.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Former Speaker Gingrich's methods have become…unsound.

not that Dewey March 23, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I don't see any method at all, sir.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 9:31 pm

All madness, no method.

chascates March 23, 2012 at 10:11 pm
Chichikovovich March 23, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Though it has to be said that Gingrich has totally earned the titles of "Disgraced Former Speaker" and "Only Speaker in the History of the House of Representatives to be Reprimanded and Fined by his Fellow Members of Congress".

I think it would be petty to deny Gingrich the right to bear those titles proudly wherever he goes.

chascates March 23, 2012 at 10:27 pm

If only whenever Gingrich said he was a historian someone would immediately interject "who was denied tenure"!

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 10:52 pm

You left out "Cancer Wife Divorcing Serial Adulterer" — or were you limiting your list of his titles to the ways he's disgraced in his professional life, and excluding the titles relating to the ways he's disgraced in his personal life?

Chichikovovich March 23, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Yes, I did leave those out. But in my defence, it's hard to keep up with the untold dimensions of Newt's sleaziness. The man truly is the Leonardo Da Vinci of douchebaggery.—

Serolf_Divad March 24, 2012 at 7:52 am

I think I like: "Mr. disgraced former speaker." It's how Newt should be addressed from now on.

smashedinhat March 23, 2012 at 8:35 pm

The Horror. Indeed.

PS; What strange and horrible technology allows for this non stop posting? Are stimulants so cheap in your quadrant?

Callyson March 23, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I'll have what they're having.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Rebecca's in LA. Imagine if she were in D.C. on a nice spring night when it's 85 degrees out and the humidity is 179 percent.

Pennywhistler March 24, 2012 at 1:12 pm

A keyboard and an a connection to the Internet?

Pennywhistler March 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Lots of stimulants around here, son:

Boredom
Creativity
Too much sex
Not enough sex
Total lack of sex
Caffeine
Glenfiddich
Catnip
Smart and pretty female rabbis
Smoked Gouda

HippieEsq March 24, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I experience all of those things in a typical shabbat. And I'm Mormon.

Pennywhistler March 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Yes. Except you Mormons call it the Sabbath, not Shabbat.
And if you DID call it Shabbat you would capitalize it.

And Mormons are prohibited from drinking alcohol.
Even Glenfiddich.

And are prohibited from drinking coffee.

And tea.

And having sex with smart and pretty female rabbis

HippieEsq March 24, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Ha! Okay, busted, I'm as Mormon as Moses. But I am trying to get used to the phrase "I'm a Mormon" for the inevitable post-humous Mormon Baptism.

And I'll send my auto-correct back to Hebrew school.

Texan_Bulldog March 23, 2012 at 8:35 pm

"But how can a black man be in charge of the Executive Branch when the Justice Department is investigating a possible hate crime against a black boy?"

This makes absolutely zero sense; does this mean any of the other 43 white presidents & their white AGs shouldn't have investigated any crimes against white people? Oh my lord!

OC_Surf_Serf March 23, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Newt's thinking to hisself "If only I was black, I would be president"

Texan_Bulldog March 23, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Or have a bigger dick.

trampndirtdown March 23, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Fucking Goetz.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 1:52 am

You misspelled "goatse".

Chichikovovich March 23, 2012 at 10:26 pm

"…and I wouldn't have to give women diamonds to have sex with me."

GreatChristiano March 24, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Ya know, why would a woman even wanna flash diamonds?

We know what she did to get 'em…

BTWBFDIMHO March 24, 2012 at 1:06 am

Yes, but president of Newtuganda.

eldswede March 23, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Somebody please alert Newt that the pigeons are waiting for him by the park bench. They're hungry and want to be fed. Also to hear him tell his stories of his grandeur.

miss_grundy March 23, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I guess the squirrels would just mug him for whatever food he had and run away as soon as he started talking his garbage.

Inchhigh March 24, 2012 at 5:03 am

Right. Like Newticles would share with those goddamn lazy-ass welfare-sucking pigeons. Go get a job sweeping floors and cleaning toilets, ya scrounging malingerers.

imissopus March 23, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Are they gonna say that he was a kind man? Fuck no, man!

GuanoFaucet March 23, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Damn you.

imissopus March 23, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Well, yours is the more complete and accurate quote. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.

MaxUdargo March 24, 2012 at 12:44 am

One through nine, no maybes, no supposes, no fractions. You can't travel in space, you can't go out into space, you know, without, like, you know, uh, with fractions, okay? What are you going to land on – one-quarter, three-eighths? You can't build a moon base on a fraction, man.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 7:18 am

Just "a kinda man.

Pennywhistler March 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I thought "fuck no man" was sort of his motto.

GuanoFaucet March 23, 2012 at 8:38 pm

What are they gonna say about Newt? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Hey, man, you don't talk to the Speaker. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? …. I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's… he's a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of Moonbase Alpha, man…

smokefilledroommate March 24, 2012 at 12:15 am

I watched Callista crawl along the edge of a straight razor. Crawling, slithering, pearling its neck, forking its tongue along the edge of a straight razor– and surviving.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Oh man… the bullshit piled up so fast around Newt, you needed wings to stay above it.

noodlesalad March 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I love the smell of race baiting in the morning. You know, one time we had a primary for, like, 12 months. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' independent voter who still bought our shit. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like…Gingrich.

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 10:54 pm

"What are they gonna say about Newt?"

That he's the pig boat who cheated on, and then dumped, two successive sick wives (to date, anyway).

Greta_Garbage March 24, 2012 at 5:12 am

just curious; who's pecker was newt using to have sexual relations with? oh, i apologize he does have a pecker, he just does not have any balls or does he have the balls and no bat to swing with…….

swordfis March 24, 2012 at 10:40 am

I suspect that they're going to be saying pretty much what we're saying.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 8:39 pm

If President Obama had encouraged an ethic of work instead of a culture of dependence, Trayvon Martin could be alive today, happily mopping the halls of his high school.

ingloriousbytch March 23, 2012 at 8:40 pm

How do I put this? Let me think…oh yeah

FUCK YOU, GINGRICH!

Serolf_Divad March 24, 2012 at 7:54 am

A pithy comment, yet indubitably apposite.

GreatChristiano March 24, 2012 at 5:30 pm

A true scholar–how wonderful of you to point out the appositive in the sentence.

Well played!

straighteight March 23, 2012 at 8:40 pm

SEAN HANNITY EXCLUSIVE: HUMANOID SACK OF MIRACLE WHIP DECRIES PRESIDENT'S REMARKS ON TRAYVON MARTIN, DECLARES HIMSELF OF NO RACE BUT 'DELICIOUS.'

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 10:55 pm

"HUMANOID SACK OF MIRACLE WHIP"

Perfect.
Mayonnaise is just bland and boring; but Miracle Whip is bland and boring, yet somehow manages to also be evil.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Also, your comment should be read aloud in a "Kang and Kodos" voice.

jaytingle March 23, 2012 at 8:43 pm

It appears Mitt has only one choice for Veep.

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Rubio?

mannacler March 23, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Marco?

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Polo!

Geminisunmars March 23, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Lieberman?

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Zombie Jefferson Davis?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 12:39 am

Got kilt by Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

trampndirtdown March 23, 2012 at 9:47 pm

G. Gordon Liddy?

Grief_Lessons March 23, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Ted Nugent?

bikerlaureate March 23, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Allen West?

redarmyzombie March 23, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Herman Cain?

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:14 pm

The re-animated corpse of Ronald Reagan?

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 4:24 am

If that corpse could have been reanimated don't you think they would have done it while he was in office? Come on, Negro, THINK.

Nostrildamus March 23, 2012 at 10:26 pm

A dual-core mirroring server?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 12:39 am

You mean "Mitt"? He can't be his own running mate.

starfanglednut March 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm

The Etch a Sketch 2012?

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Ineligible. No longer born in the USA.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 24, 2012 at 12:36 am

Dick Cheney?

Greta_Garbage March 25, 2012 at 3:55 pm

tina fey (he couldnt get sarah palin…..)

deanbooth March 23, 2012 at 8:43 pm

"Trying to turn it [slavery] into a racial issue is fundamentally wrong. I really find it appalling.” — Stephen Douglas, debating Lincoln.

V572 Flambé March 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Exactly. Just like insurance-paid contraception is a religious freedom issue. Some people just don't get it.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Charging Newt with racist dog whistles in this primary was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.

Callyson March 23, 2012 at 8:44 pm

“Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK"
No, you fucking moron, the president is suggesting that had Trayvon been white he would NOT have BEEN shot in the first place!

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Hey, man, you don't talk to the Newt. You listen to him. The man's shrunk my mind. He's a fat blimp in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'ho' is the middle word in whore? If you can keep getting head when all about you are getting none and blaming it on you, if you can steal for yourself when all humans aren't looking you"… I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little weasel, I'm a little weasel, he's… he's a really fat delusional sack of shit pretending he's a man! He should have been a pile of whale shit sinking down to floors of silent seas…

ShaveTheTemps March 23, 2012 at 10:28 pm

That's beautiful, man.

cheetojeebus March 24, 2012 at 6:19 am

ftw, man, FTW

schvitzatura March 24, 2012 at 7:21 am

Would saying, "with extreme prejudice", in reference to Newticle be exceeding the recently established allowable threshold level of "schoenkopffreude"?

AbandonHope March 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

My understanding of the rules is "no credible threats". Wishing for something, as far as I know, is acceptable, provided you aren't inciting somebody to do something.

I could be wrong, but that's how I read it.

GreatChristiano March 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Banana bread is best without the nuts.

dubyatf March 25, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Schoenkopffreude!

noodlesalad March 23, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Lynching is a color-blind crime that just happens to consistently happen to black men, and to suggest otherwise is to engage in Commie Nazi Reverse Racism, AMIRIGHT??!?!?111!!??

Callyson March 23, 2012 at 8:46 pm

"Trying to deny it is a racial issue is fundamentally wrong. I really find it appalling.”
/fixed
…oh right, there *is* no fixing what comes out of Gingrinch's mouth…

angerbear March 23, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Newt cares about all Americans. Except the frumpy chicks. And the ones with cancer. They can just fuck off and die alone.

Sharkey March 23, 2012 at 8:47 pm

…drinking wine, sitting on the couch, and braiding Kirsten Boyd Johnson’s hair, and this little bit of happiness and rainbows and unicorns and magic flitted across our… field of vision…

So just another Friday night of shooting speedballs?

I am missing the point though, aren't I. Let's see here…

BlueStateLibel March 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm

"Some of my best friends own Hoodie companies" – Mitt Rmoney. (Disclosure: I wore a hoodie to the 7-11 this morning. True fact.)

FlownOver March 23, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Step away from the Skittles™.

Biff March 23, 2012 at 9:31 pm

One local mini-mart has a sign prohibiting "students" from wearing hoodies. Or helmets.
Hengh?

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Or pants down around their ankles?

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:02 pm

So, Callista's hair helmet is out, then?

Isyaignert March 24, 2012 at 12:57 am

Fuk, I wear one every day and I'm an old white hippie chick.

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 4:12 am

Me too. Only I'ms is a hoodie- wearing old dipshit.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

But from the back we all look like Trayvon, and therefore guilty of something.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I have a hoodie, but it's pink.
I think I'm doin it rong.

V572 Flambé March 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm

It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American.

However, it's not hard to think, even under the new Wonkette outrage-austerity guidelines, of one instance in which a cold-blooded shooting would not have been a tragedy.

Veritas78 March 23, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Oh, I can think of some.

Unless I got your double negative wrong. Which I probably did!

V572 Flambé March 24, 2012 at 10:17 am

You are not un-wrong!

FlownOver March 23, 2012 at 8:49 pm

The assholery is beyond measure.

Nostrildamus March 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm

is Newt's greatest pleasure.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 12:53 pm

There once was a piglet named Newt
Who needed a punch in the snoot;
Assholery beyond measure
Was his second-greatest pleasure;
I say we should give him the boot.

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 4:26 am

And all the world's yardsticks just heaved a collective sigh of relief.

bagofmice March 24, 2012 at 11:16 am

So it's a bit goatse?

Beetagger March 23, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I'll bet Calista has a lady-boner right now.

Barrelhse March 23, 2012 at 9:18 pm

She sure as hell would if she were braiding Kirsten's hair!

Boojum_Reborn March 23, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Yes, sewed up in a bag of skin, along with a heart and two kidneys.

starfanglednut March 23, 2012 at 10:31 pm

That thing must be sharp as fuck.

smokefilledroommate March 24, 2012 at 4:00 am

Her elephant proboscis.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 12:53 pm

It would certainly be the first time.

dubyatf March 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Which no doubt puts Newt's to shame.

rocktonsam March 23, 2012 at 8:52 pm

this proves just how big Newt's brain really is.

Greta_Garbage March 24, 2012 at 5:16 am

newt's brain is the size of a pea rolling down a 4 lane highway…………

spends2much March 23, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Seriously, who do we talk to about getting a new country off the ground? I don't even care where anymore, just a place where there are no people like Newt Gingrich.

jodyleek March 23, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I hear there's some room on the moon!

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:35 pm

One of these days, Alice…

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Yes, but Newt is the smartest, non-elite, country professor in the clown car. He could debate Obama in 21 X 3 hour Lincoln-Douglass style debates. And $2.50 per gallon gas — as guaranteed as Callista's hair helmet. Free Markets.

Biff March 23, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I would like to conduct the Snell testing on that helmet.

starfanglednut March 23, 2012 at 10:32 pm

We could probably fuel the entire country with the hairspray fumes.

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Hence, $2.49.9 gas.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 8:53 pm

"Never get out of the Moonbase." Absolutely goddamn right! Unless you were goin' all the way… Newt went out the airlock. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

Barb March 23, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Fuck you, Newt and the whore you rode in on.

AbandonHope March 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Which one?

HippieEsq March 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

The one with the vagina tiny enough to make Newt look and feel adolescent.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

The Whore of Babble-On.

Swampgas_Man March 23, 2012 at 8:54 pm

The whore, the whore.

Sharkey March 23, 2012 at 9:09 pm

"Whore! The whore has a face, and you must make a friend of whores. Whores and moral terror are your friends"

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 9:11 pm

♪ ♫ This is the end, my only friend, the end ♪ ♫

Biff March 23, 2012 at 9:34 pm

That could've been me, but I don't awake before dawn anymore.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 9:39 pm

♫ I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer. ♫

dadanarchist March 23, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Beat me to it.

Dashboard Buddha March 23, 2012 at 9:50 pm

You win the evening.

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:36 pm

It burns; it burns!

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 12:41 am

Damn. I just now read that you beat me by three hours.

But I'm not taking mine down. Too lazy. good work, SGM

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Newton: [voiceover] Callista… shit; I'm still only in Callista… Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the 28 year old staffer.
Newton: When I was home after my first marriage, it was worse.
[grabs at Crispy Creme doughnut]
Newton: I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said "yes" to a divorce as she was sick with MS. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into Callista. I'm here a week now… waiting for a election… getting softer. Every minute I remain in the primary, I get weaker, and every minute Mittens stumbles in the trail, he gets weaker too while Barry laughs at us. Each time I looked around my belly just got a little bigger.

Dirt_Dog March 23, 2012 at 9:41 pm

You are on a roll on this topic — I thought your previous post was amazing and this topped it. It would be nicer if I wasn't getting a creepy sense that you're way too inside Newt's head.

Mumbletypeg March 23, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Agreed. Thumbs-aplenty for this. Made me laugh & I needed it!

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2012 at 10:59 pm

It's not like Newticle is a deep thinker.

To think like Newt:
1) Who do I have pander to?
2) What's in it for me?
3) Seriously, what's in it for me?
4) She's cute.
5) I'm sooooooh smurt. The smurtest man in the GOP!!!!

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:05 pm

6) If Mitt stole my hair product again, I'm gonna punch his face in. MY hair is way more Presidentialer than his hair!

Soylent Green March 24, 2012 at 3:39 am

Perfect 'Bad Lip Reading' script!

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 23, 2012 at 8:55 pm

There he goes channeling Pat Buchanan's ghost again.

Whataya mean Pat's not deal yet???

Nostrildamus March 23, 2012 at 10:32 pm

I refuse to believe Pat could get any whiter.

memzilla March 23, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I really want to see the black box with the pretzel algorithm that Newt uses to bend what you and I perceive as normal reality into the twisted racist fap-mongering talking points that come out of his pie hole. Then I want to know who the enabler is who convinces Newt that it will sell.

Jukesgrrl March 23, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I know, Newt. Empathy is so distasteful. At least we never have to worry about you suffering from it.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Newt don't empathize!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I felt like Newt was up there, waiting for me to take the pain away. He just wanted to go out like a statesman, standing up, not like some poor, wasted, rag-assed renegade. Even the right wing base wanted his campaign dead, and that's who he really took his orders from anyway. But it was too late to be a statesman.

memzilla March 23, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Well, I guess all we need to do now is paint the President's Marine One helicopter black, paint the UN logo on the side, and fly it over Newt's hometown of Racefap Corners, Georgia.

Not that I'm actively wishing for a cardiac infarction, mind you — I'm just saying it would be an interesting aviation experiment.

Spurning Beer March 23, 2012 at 9:23 pm

In line with the new regime, I certainly hope that New Gingrich does not experience an inoperable explosive external hemorrhoid attack or suffer a disabling skullfucking by a rhinoceros.

Sharkey March 23, 2012 at 8:59 pm

All he is saying is that if he were President, he would unite the country around the innocence of George Zimmerman, not Treyvon Martin.

Why is that so hard for you stinking liberals to understand.

It is really appalling, and I am fundamentally wrong. Oops, I mean disgraceful. The President, not me.

(Aw shit.)

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Newt would never apologize, or be contrite, that would show weakness. And we all know this president is morally weak; he's in over his head. He's a disaster. The worst president in our history. A race pimp who listens to the New Black Panthers and is behind the dirty hippies of the Occupy Movement. Newt is for paychecks, not food stamps — and don't even get him started on teleprompterz or $2.49.9 gasoline.

Chichikovovich March 23, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Absolutely right! Weak and over his head. And furthermore, he is a Chicago thug gangster committed Alinskyite politician who has in three short years ruthlessly imposed Marxist Socialism on God's blessed America, and unless he is stopped this November his complete government takeover of health care, the auto industry and american banking will be irreversible.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 24, 2012 at 12:20 am

You do realize you're violating somebody's copyyright here? And possibly a patent on a "Method of inducing outrage among brain-damaged wingnuts" as well.

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"And we all know this president is morally weak; he's in over his head."

Yet somehow, without ever ceasing to be a strongarm supervillain who controls everyTHING and everyBODY, all the time.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 7:52 am

Even a shark couldn't swallow that chum, could he, chum?

Fred_Wertham_Jr March 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm

You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of–fuck it. Go fuck yourself, asshole.

swordfis March 24, 2012 at 10:49 am

When I was a young kid we listened to the Army/McCarthy hearings on the radio (everybody booed when Nixon's name was mentioned). My family was investigated by the FBI and we knew many witch hunt victims. But I have to say that Newt is even lower than McCarthy and Nixon: Soviet Communism was an actual. potential threat, so those fascists at least had a real-world topic. But Newt doesn't even have a rational excuse; he will do or say anything to get elected, and doesn't even understand how hateful he is to pretty much everyone. However, he could be elected president of the CSA.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 9:03 pm

As for the charges against Newt, he is unconcerned. He is beyond our timid lying morality, and so he is beyond caring.

Blueb4sunrise March 23, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Zaranewtstra

starfanglednut March 23, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Thus spake.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Also.

bumfug March 23, 2012 at 9:04 pm

How to tell if there's really a God: If Newt Gingrich slips and falls on wet shit and gets eaten by pigs, then maybe.

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:39 pm

…and gets eaten by pigs.

That would be so incredibly fitting.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 10:50 pm

That would be a Good Start.

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 4:33 am

That would be so incredibly filling.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:05 am

Oh, now, what have pigs *ever* done to you to deserve such a fate?

Biff March 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Per the title of this post we know that gnewt is a cannibal, but are swine also?

Tundra Grifter March 23, 2012 at 9:08 pm

First they came for the fat, stupid, arrogant right wing nutz running for President in 2012 like it was 1859.

And I said nothing.

Except "Good fuckin' riddance!"

Mumbletypeg March 23, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I dont' know if he's seen the cards and is pre-auditioning for a future role on Fox News, but it's obvious this pander-master, drunk on his own smugness, has never had genuine interaction — apart from political roundups or speaking engagement fly-by words exchanged or introductions that couldn't be avoided — with a person of color in his life.

BarackMyWorld March 23, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Didn't he already have that job?

Oh, wait, I see…he wants a bigger contract this time.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:06 am

"[...] with a person of color in his life.

FIFY, NNTT

Guppy March 23, 2012 at 9:16 pm

What exactly is the tragedy, Newt? That a boy got in the way of those entirely justified bullets?

docterry6973 March 23, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Braiding Kirsten's hair? French braid? Tight against the back of her…I'm off-topic, aren't I.

dadanarchist March 23, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Gingrich did write his dissertation on the Congo. He found Kurtz's methods sound, based on solid conservative principles of cannibalism and heads-on-stakes. Incentivizes the labor force.

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 10:50 pm

The Conrad, Congo, apoColypse Now trilogy of interconnecting, zig-zag lines is now complete.
And also, too, it's as if our man Manchu wrote this:
but Gingrich's doctoral dissertation? What is that about? Well, I have had some unkind things to say about Newt on this blog — about his pompous, self-inflating bloviating, his appallingly inappropriate self-satisfaction, the sheer vacuity of his utterances. All by himself, he has given self-esteem a bad name.

dadanarchist March 24, 2012 at 12:29 am

All by himself, he has given self-esteem a bad name.

That would be a wonderful epitaph to Newt's career.

Greta_Garbage March 24, 2012 at 5:24 am

All by himself, he has given white men over the age of 50 with hair a bad name……

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:23 am

Is that you, "incitebytes"?

swordfis March 24, 2012 at 10:50 am

He IS a fucking cannibal.

Barrelhse March 23, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Lame cunts on motorbikes!!

BarackMyWorld March 23, 2012 at 9:24 pm

The Newt Cocktail
-Take one quote out of context, carefully dropping any resemblance to its original meaning.
-Add new, entirely different, nefarious meaning.
-Mix in indignation and resentment.
-Sprinkle with modifiers: "fundamentally," "extreme," "elite," or "disgraceful" as necessary.
-Add hypothetical reverse-race situation.
-Attack the media.
-Serve boiling hot and enjoy.

Spurning Beer March 23, 2012 at 9:30 pm

-Garnish with a sneer or smug smirk.

Nostrildamus March 23, 2012 at 10:35 pm

-Goes well with tripe.

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 10:55 pm

An Ipecac Martini.

One_who_wanders March 23, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I was wrong there is no bottom of the barrel they can go all the way to hades.

ShaveTheTemps March 23, 2012 at 10:39 pm

It's salamanders all the way down.

bumfug March 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm

What a coincidence – I too am sitting on the couch drinking wine; Kirsten's hair unfortunately nowhere near Pico & La Cienega.

Geminisunmars March 23, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Look over by Fountain and Gower.

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:45 pm

LA is a beautiful mess of a city that's finally getting better with age.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 11:15 pm

cops in cars, the topless bars …

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Motel Money Murder Madness…

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:42 am

200 of 'em.

imissopus March 23, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Many years ago my two closest friends lived around Pico and La Cienega. I drank many a mango shake at Versailles back in the day.

bumfug March 23, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Versailles is about 2 blocks from my place, what a great little restaurant. Crappy looking storefront, wonderful food and delicious Mojitos. Right up the street is the Mint, where I went to see Hugh Laurie perform his New Orleans blues album and was treated to an unbilled appearance (in a maybe 200 limit club) by Tom Jones blowing the roof off singing Great Balls of Fire. I love this area.

Dashboard Buddha March 23, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Skull fuck with extreme prejudice.

BarackMyWorld March 23, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Notice how all of Newt's indignation fantasies lately seem to involve changing people's races? What's up with that?

Newt Gingrich has the racial sensitivity of a white character from "Roots."

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:12 pm

And more than a few of the same ancestors.

Dudleydidwrong March 23, 2012 at 9:34 pm

There have been times when I thought that The Newt was a random word generator behaving sort-of humanoid. Now I know that he is an uncaring, unthinking, totally-without-empathy, dumbfuck word generator who evidences not one tiny bit of humanity. I guess that's what makes him a Republican.

Boojum_Reborn March 23, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Or a Reptilian. The same, really.

BarackMyWorld March 23, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Here we were, drinking wine, sitting on the couch, and braiding Kirsten Boyd Johnson’s hair, and this little bit of happiness and rainbows and unicorns and magic flitted across our (somewhat impaired) field of vision…

Bow chicka wow wow…

KBoydJohnson March 23, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Actually, Pico and La Cienaga isn't that far away.

Biff March 23, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Perhaps closer to Pico and Sepulveda?

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Now I get to spend another 1:29 wondering why I watched all 1:29 of that.

Biff March 23, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Even I didn't watch it, jesus christ!

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Hey, we've got the same p-ness!

um, never mind.

bumfug March 23, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Let's preserve the mystery for now – if I ever decide to get back onstage instead of just tweeting jokes for my old friends to steal, I'll comp you.

Steverino247 March 23, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Next time I'm up in L.A., I'll buy you a hot dog at Pink's.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:41 am

There's my nimble-fingered sweetheart of the writey-writey variety! Smoochies, babes? OK, how about MOAR articles in the inimitable KBJ style? I'll settle, dudina, I'll settle.

Captain_Klutz March 23, 2012 at 9:38 pm

"That’s just nonsense dividing this country up" ???!!!????

JHC! This Newon is a walking, talking piece of shit — "nonsense" . . . "dividing this country up." — Newt your underpants are too tight, they've cut off the oxygen in your brain, you divisive giant sack of feces . . .

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:13 pm

At least you've got the location of his brain right.

Mahousu March 23, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I do not want Newt to drop out of the Republican race. Why? Because I want to see him keep on losing. Over and over and over again. I'd like to see him lose 47 states. Actually, I'd like to see him lose 57 states.

This isn't vindictiveness, really. I just think he's one of the worst losers in primary history. So he obviously needs a lot more practice at it.

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I do to. I want him to get through ever single contest, and then on the very last one, come to the realization of how horrible a human being he is. I know that's not going to happen, but a guy can wish, can't he?

You know, he has claimed — and very early on the media kind of believed it — that his time out of office, his switch to Catholicism, and his marriage to Callista had softened this man, and that he'd been born anew. He can no more change his character than a leopard can its spots.

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Sociopaths don't give a shit.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Goddammit, Rebecca, I was just starting to calm down and now this! You are bound and determined to piss me off tonight, aren't you?

It's not enough that Newt Gingrich seemed to not only remain gainfully employed after the disastrous ideologically – fueled episode as Speaker of the House where he singlehandedly destroyed all the comity in the US Congress, almost brought the country's financial system to grief by petulantly allowing the government to shut down and then allowing the political hit job Impeachment of a sitting President for no good reason at all, tying up almost all of the attention and resources of the mightiest nation in the world and – one could argue – provide a critical distraction from the growing threat that Al-Quida presented to us (goddammit another run-on sentence goddammit)

NO,it's not enough that he somehow convinces Rubes to throw him money because he fucked up a very important job at some point and talks a remarkable raft of bullshit. No.

NOW..Now…He rises up into the national consciousness again, like a rotting bloated corpse bobbing up out of a fetid marsh , by Running for President of the United States of America!
The sheer unmitigated gall and ridiculously blind self-important ambition of such a move – I barely have enough hideously offensive words in the English Language to describe this.

Now, this disgusting sack of greed, selfishness and treachery is all over my News, every single day, with his vile corrosive fact-free Screeds and he will not go away! Gingrich, that awful money-sucking attention whore is soaking up valuable time and airwaves with his worthless, self-aggrandizing nonsense, yet again and I wonder just what critical crises we're being distracted from this time?
Eventually, I know we will find out. And it will be extremely bad.

For this singular reason, if no other, Gingrich's Enabler Sheldon Adelson must be consigned to the uttermost pits of the Hell I just don't believe in – but sometimes would be a very convenient thing, indeed.

If there was a God, and Justice and Hell, then Newton Leroy Gingrich would be immediately struck Dumb, then contract an excruciatingly horrible condition where he would turn himself inside out over a period of a decade. Then die, in anonymous shame, and horror.

His remains would be scraped into a bucket and thrown into the bottom of a contaminated secure toxic sludge landfill, where the world can forget and he can disgust and appall us no more.

Geminisunmars March 23, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Good thing you didn't mention any of that skullfucking stuff.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Fuck! i forgot Skullfucking! That's because I'm so FURIOUS! See what you're done Gingrich! You horrible Pigfucker!! Begone, Foul Shade of Greed and Failure!! AAAEEERRRRRRRHGHGHGHGH!!!!!

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 1:50 am

I love you when you're angry.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 5:18 pm

You're funny. Most people back away when I get like this.

I'm re-reading this 19 hours out and what strikes me is that :
* I was really on a tear last night. Newt really gets to me, like a Siamese Fighting Fish or something.
* That is exactly what I sound like when I get really pissed off. It's just funny to go back and see it in print.

JohnnyQuick March 23, 2012 at 10:05 pm

All things considered, a pretty moderate response.

To cheer you up, just think about how Gingrich represents the Repukes as they really are, to the horror of the rest of the world and the occasionally sane residents of the USA.

He doesn't even have the Aw shucks bonhomie of drunk 'ol W. He's like George Wallace sticking Quato-like from the gut of Himmler.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Thanks, I needed that.

I normally have a high threshold for generalized Republican bullshittery, but Gingrich really trips my trigger (obviously).

Rightly or wrongly, he exemplifies to me the exact point where the country began to go so terribly off track in to today's Madness. I know that having him slithering around the media can do nothing but damage the last tattered vestiges of the Conservative Movement, but having to deal with him day after day after bloody enraging worthless day is beginning to be physically painful to me.

It's a good thing that I've got a place to Rant, Eh? Thanks again

JohnnyQuick March 23, 2012 at 11:27 pm

No prob. You helped me out too, in that I was about to probably lose my just-gained-posting-privileges by posting something far more crude than what you did. But seeing that other people had the proper amount of anger helped calm me down.

I also am thinking about how this particular Gingrich shit becomes such a distraction from the NRA and ALEC pushing this law and fat J. Bush signing it. It's gotta be on purpose, right?

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:52 pm

It's actually pretty fun to work out on a finely tuned Rant here. You'll get the hang of it.

I think you've got the R's dead to rights. It's ALL distraction because they're working on a Full-Court press with as much radical legislation as they can before the Electoral Hammer comes down.

They can read the statistical demographic trends as well as us and they know that they're baseline voter is on their way out. If they don't win everything they can they can't set the society in stone for the next 40 years like they want to.
Our job is to stop them. This coming November. So go Vote.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 2:46 am

How did you manage to post THAT WORD?

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Yeah, that was weird last night. I wrote that up, hit "Submit" and it was immediately whisked off to the Naughty Room. I had no idea why, at the time.

I couldn't face the shame of a Deleted by the Admin.. post, so I deleted that and retyped the first sentence. Went back and the original was back and the later one too! So I deleted the one-sentence one and let the older post ride.

I'm working under the assumption now that Our Beneficent Overlords closely examine posts that end up in the Naughty Room for Thoughtcrime and,if they pass, are re-posted.

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:15 pm

"He's like George Wallace sticking Quato-like from the gut of Himmler."

Now you reminded me of that movie "Basket Case".

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 9:17 am

Newt does kind of look like Belial from that movie. Except more repulsive-looking of course.

Maybe once Newt is finally bumped from the running, he can take the starring role in the sequel: Shipping Container Case: Belial's Been Eating!

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Sounds like someone needs a hug from Frothy.

Our Frothy, not teh one running for Preznit.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 10:20 pm

That's a good idea (not the other Frothy – that would be like hugging a mainmast).

Actually, The Rant has helped. Somehow it's good to see all the evil manifested in Gingrich out in print.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:51 am

(Hugs the poor, tired, ranted-out CREature)

redarmyzombie March 23, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I think today, we could ALL use a hug from Frothy…

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:00 pm

No doubt.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:51 am

(Hugs teh redarmyzombie)

Dood, I'm hugging as fast as I can …

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Hello, Outback. i hope she didn't get spit on by one of those snakes.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:52 am

Dood, leave my balls alone.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:50 am

(Hugs that hairy li'l rodent)

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

LOL.
That was funny, the way you mentioned yer balls and hairy lil rodent in such close proximity.
I've always thought of balls as belonging to the Marsupial family. Pocket pool and all that.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 2:04 am

Ai-yiii!

There's lots of possums here. Cute little things that live high up in the trees. I can see them carrying one's (stolen) balls around in their little marsupial pouches.

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2012 at 11:10 pm

He's not in it to win it. Look at his campaign. Totally on the cheap. Got no real resources or even a decent campaign team (or what passes for one in the GOP these days.)

I think he's doing it to keep himself relevant to keep rolling in the wingnut welfare. Instead of former disgraced house speaker, he'll be known as former preznit candidate Newtie Toot much like that loser from Alaska. However, I think he's forgot that the Super PACs have changed things since 2008 and are about cutting out the middlemen like Newtie Toot and shovel money directly to the important people… not a clapped out diamond whore like him.

He's doesn't realize that no one gives a shit about a loser. They want guys with access, guys who can be elected.

The one thing that a guy like Newtie Toot craves is power and access. It's not going to happen after this election as he's alienated a lot of the very people he needs thanks to his attacks on the Rombot. The one thing Cons don't do well is forgive anyone who "aids" the enemy. He's even more unlikeable than before the primary because he's a big sore loser.

He might be rich at the end of this, but he loves power more. He'll probably find himself more isolated and impotent at the end. A joke to the other side and loathsome piece of shit to his own. That will probably hurt him way more than being poor.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:25 pm

That's an excellent analysis MC. I've been bouncing back and forth between the Oh he's only in it for the money and Holy shit he's really serious about this poles. Sometimes daily.

I think you're right. He's managed to shit in every nest he's wormed his way into over the years and this it the last desperate leap for the Gold Ring. At he very least he'll be able to write a terrible, immediately-remaindered book and go on the bloated fee Speaker Circuit.

He doesn't realize, too, that he's dramatically overexposed himself to the American public who'll be only too happy to see him go into that Good Night.

I don't think it's just me.

Geminisunmars March 24, 2012 at 12:02 am

He'll end up roaming the streets of some gated community looking for some hoodied kid to "confront".

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 12:07 am

I'm having a hard time visualizing that, unless it's in a Hoverround or remotely-operating a tracked Robot.
There's that Laziness factor.

Swampgas_Man March 24, 2012 at 10:54 am

One apparent reason for Newtie Tootie staying in the race is his apparent Haaaaaate for Romney. Seriously, it's like Mitts stole his lunch money when they were kids and the Toad just never got over it.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Also, Sheldon Adelson. He is obviously a betting man, considering his occupation. As soon as he seriously considers the lay of his hand, he'll fold it, draw Mittens from the stack and make him dance for awhile.

Bezoar March 24, 2012 at 2:43 am

Right on, but to me the really salient feature of Newt G is his manifest pathological narcissism. Seriously, he is the real thing, the absolute poster child.

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 11:11 pm

C_R_E, I don't want your blood pressure to bust a manometer, but, to me, the worst thing this amphibious monster ever did was allow Phil Gramm, et. al. to let Gramm-Leach-Bliley and the Security Modernization Acts to germinate. Because of the new rules I cannot express my full contempt.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Don't worry, that 's all figured into my manometer reading. That enrages me but what really gets me (just because) is his disbanding of the congressional Office of Technology Assessment and replacing it with wingnut welfare think-tank screeds and Corporate hired bullshit and the deliberate severing of any ties at all between the two major parties in Congress. He's the root of the combative, poisonous and paralytic tribal politics we see now in the legislative branch

imissopus March 23, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Whew, ease up, Bubba. Here's a glass of wine. The line to braid KBJ's hair is over to the left.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Wine! *slurp!* Aaaahhhh…that's good. Thanks! Where's my number?

Geminisunmars March 24, 2012 at 12:05 am

You're number one with me! (And I have long, braidable hair too. Probably alot more silvery than KBJ's, but still braidable.)

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 12:11 am

Well, hey! and Thanks! you're moved up to number one too.
I'll dig out the ol' Ashley's book of Knots & practice up on my sadly-neglected braiding technique.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:49 am

Son, you sure have a way with words.

Chet Kincaid March 24, 2012 at 10:03 am

Newt doesn't have the power to distract the entire government from some imminent crisis just by running for President. For one thing, he is not in the government. For another, the current President knows how to do his job, and helpfully reminded us that he would be able to focus on more than one thing at a time back in 2008. And most importantly, nobody is voting for slimy fuck Newt.

The best punishment for any of these idiots would be for the public to turn on their ideology and recognize it for what it is. That would be more delicious to me than any torture-porn rant.

Blueb4sunrise March 23, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I think RS and KBJ also ordered pizza.

Guppy March 23, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Probably some goat cheese abomination.

Chill-A-Sketch March 23, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Newt's grave epitaph will read: "Here lies the body of an asshole."

Geminisunmars March 23, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Or "Here lies an asshole with an asshole."

Angry_Marmot March 23, 2012 at 9:46 pm

"Here lies an asshole and the body that blew air through it.".

smokefilledroommate March 23, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Here lies an enormous head; body would not fit.

Biff March 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I really hope he's incinerated, rather than buried. Unless it's soon, I mean. Like before the next primaries, OK?

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I vote for roadkill. And then the highway maintenance crew can just drag him off into the bushes where people passing by don't have to watch him balloon up, split and deflate, and dry up under the summer sun.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 10:28 pm

"Here Lies nothing Important at all. Please move on."

or, better yet:

Hazardous Waste Site. Do Not Enter

Nostrildamus March 23, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Actually there's a sign like that on his headboard.

ShaveTheTemps March 23, 2012 at 10:43 pm

"Here lies one whose name was writ in piss."

Chichikovovich March 23, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Keats for the win.

Steverino247 March 23, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Here Lies Newt Gingrich

Geminisunmars March 24, 2012 at 12:18 am

Here lies lying Newt Gingrich

coolhandnuke March 23, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Newt Gingrich is what an educated racist sounds like to uneducated racists.

Geminisunmars March 23, 2012 at 9:42 pm

You write that as though Newtie had a shred of humanity or decency left.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Or ever.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 9:51 pm

“We have got to get beyond any sense of some American group being the other,” Gingrich said.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! Newt, you should do tag-team stand-up with Andrew Dice Clay. You'll have them Holy Rolling in the aisles!

Shithead.

SheriffRoscoe March 23, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I hate it when black presidents suggest it would be OK for white kids to get shot to death.

DerrickWildcat March 23, 2012 at 9:55 pm

If I ever get it in trouble (hahaha, like that would happen) I hope I get a White Judge (wink wink)

George Spelvin March 23, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Just tell 'em the unions set you up. Home free.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:00 am

Don't forget to cry through the trial.

WUT? It worked for that Randy Bedhopper dood.

Veritas78 March 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm

When things go wrong to an American, it is sad for all Americans.

The fat philandering fuck might consider that this is ostensibly the entire point of the Democratic Party, and the bane of every Republican.

chascates March 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Gingrich earned his M.A. and Ph.D. from Tulane University. It's time they asked for the return of both of them.

Boojum_Reborn March 23, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Master's of Assholery and Philosophia Dickishia.

Elite cocksucker.

PuckStopsHere March 23, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Don't forget "snob" (as in, "What a snob.")

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Yes, turning an issue in which a kid was shot because of his race into a "race issue" is truly appalling.

If you could see how far back my eyes are rolling into my head, you'd call a priest.

There has got to be some kind of meme that we can come up with for when a Republican projects racism just because race is brought up. There has to be some way to salvage this abomination that is conservative thought on race.

redarmyzombie March 23, 2012 at 10:24 pm

At the rate these goons are shredding all sense of decency, I wouldn't blame you if you projectile-vomited through my monitor.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 10:37 pm

How about the "Triple Reverse Gingrich" move?

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 2:50 am

Hitler?

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:01 am

Oi, that's MY line.

dubyatf March 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Sorry for the trespass, Frothy. I'm new around these parts. I promise it won't happen again.
Of course, seeing's how I'm in the early stages of menopausal dementia, I wouldn't advise you to take that promise to the bank.

DemmeFatale March 23, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Crocodile tears from an amphibian.

redarmyzombie March 23, 2012 at 10:03 pm

You know, say what you will about Obama, but at least he gives a sense of intellectualism, sincerity, and grace whenever he speaks, even when he does make a mistake.

Gingrich has all the charisma and likeability of a bucket full of santorum.

Nostrildamus March 23, 2012 at 10:41 pm

a lamprey infested bucket of santorum.

Fixed.

redarmyzombie March 24, 2012 at 12:35 am

Why thank you, Nostildamus. I just KNEW there was somethin' missing in that there statement!

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 2:59 am

As much as I dislike Santorum (roughly so much that if he were on fire I wouldn't piss on him-unless said piss consisted of a combination of napalm and gasoline) I really am moved to say that of the two, Rick is the lesser hobgoblin.
Also, how much do you wanna bet that Newt has actually taken a pee or two that felt like a combination of napalm and gasoline-dude gets laid a LOT.

chascates March 23, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Because of slavery (Democrats did it), KKK violence (Democrats did it), segregation (Democrats did it), Jim Crow laws (Democrats did it) and other historic abuses heaped on black Americans in our country by the Democratic Party and its supporters, America has been a bit oversensitive about race for the last few decades.

From 5 Reasons That Shouting "Racism" Doesn't Work Anymore http://townhall.com/columnists/johnhawkins/2012/0

DerrickWildcat March 23, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Yes, Democrats in the way that Jesse Helms and George Wallace were Democrats.

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:19 pm

When I still lived in North Carolina, there was a guy campaigning for local office whose name was, iirc, Jesse Page. As we drove past his campaign sign, the former Mr. Tessie said, "I'm not voting for Jesse ANYBODY!".

smokefilledroommate March 23, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Yeah, Newt, you and your ilk have always been on the forefront of racial equality. Nice attempt at a 'post-racial' attitude… you're so full of shit your eyes are brown.

pinkocommi March 23, 2012 at 10:25 pm

"But how can a black man be in charge of the Executive Branch when the Justice Department is investigating a possible hate crime against a black boy? That would be like a black man pointing out that it’s stupid for a cop to arrest a black man in his own home for suspecting him of being an intruder, or a gay judge being in charge of a case about gayness."

That would be like Newt Gingrich accusing Obama of having no honor…. I think that was the analogy Newt Gingrich was looking for.

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Or Newt Gingrich accusing Bill Clinton of being an amoral, adulterous piglet…

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:03 am

That was our very own Kirsten Boyd Johnson's original coinage, IIRC. She dubbed that Newt an "amoral, jewelry-debt piglet," and it resonated in all our hearts.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:13 am

Losted.

And, to be accurate, he was porking Callistabot while married to Wifey #2.

Wifey #1 was his high school *math* teacher, with whom he was having an affair while underage. He married her shortly after he graduated HS, and had two daughters with her. Her name was Jackie Battley, I bleev. She had uterine cancer, around the time that Newt confided to some whilom "friend" that he was going to dump her because she "was not young enough or pretty enough to be First Lady." The day after her surgery, he showed up in the hospital with divorce papers. IIRC, she refused to sign them. Whereupon he stopped making ANY payments whatsoever for his children. At the time, he was porking (among others) potential Wifey #2, Marianne Ginther. During that time, Jackie Battley, still recovering from cancer and surgery, was unable to pay her utility bills or feed her children. Her church had to hold a fundraiser for her because Gingrich refused to pay any support. She finally gave him his divorce, whereupon he married Wifey #2, Marianne.

During his marriage to Marianne, he was porking (among others) his current wife, Callista Bisek. He announced this fact to Marianne Ginther Gingrich by telephone on Mother's Day. She had gone to visit her mother after learning that she had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

Charming little fuckwad, ain't he?

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Apparently the nuts don't even fall off his family tree. Seriously, he treated his first wife and daughters like that and the daughters have come out in his support during this farfegnewton? What the hell? Where is the lifelong festering hatred and loathing a la Christina Crawford? That ain't normal.
Maybe they're willing to prostitute themselves for a secret service "detail" if you get my drift and I think you do.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 2:20 am

Apparently, both the daughters work for Daddy now, and it's never a good idea to piss off the boss. But yeah. I would rather have starved than take a handout from a swine who could let ME starve when I was just a kid.

Chet Kincaid March 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

I don't understand what you mean about big JAPs and self-evident mediocre blowjobs. Could you explain?

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I *suppose* you'd like me to post the video, hmmm?

Chet Kincaid March 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm

No, I just don't get it. What do you mean?

Biff March 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Oh, come on–haven't YOU ever wiped it off on the drapes on your way out?

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 10:26 pm

I wanna get out of the boat now.

starfanglednut March 23, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Aww, stick around CRE. We need friends.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Yeah, sure, thanks.
I know, You're my Friends, you're not like the others.

that is good.

starfanglednut March 23, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Where did you get my picture? Did you hack my twitter?

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Heh. Ve Haff vays. You're be surprised.

You look good. And calm.

not that Dewey March 23, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Newt: Why does Obama 'behave the way that people would think' he's Muslim?

This guy can't fucking shut up. Just like all the other Republicans.

iburl March 23, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Newt Gingrich (R – Georgia) doesn't see race… perhaps because he's been legally blinded by the glare from Callista Gingrich's pallid, bloodless face & Million dollar Blingrich. Either that, or because he's a self-centered, psychopathic, racist.

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:21 pm

"These are my kids. One is black, and one is white, but because I don't see race, I don't know which is which." — "My Name is Earl"

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 3:07 am

Newt Gingrich (R – Dark Side of the Moon)

/fixed

fitley March 23, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Newt the Spewt. Fetid Stool Today, Fetid Stool Tomorrow.

Veritas78 March 23, 2012 at 10:53 pm

You all know we're going to have to endure a "book" about his campaign, written by noted "historian" Newt Gingrich, with an adoring forward by noted home-wrecking jism-slut Callista Gingrich (now boffing Paul Ryan and/or Eric Cantor), titled A Year Of Infamy: How America Lost Its Future or some such crap.

Sheldon Edelsmeg will buy the entire first edition. Cartons of them will eventually be available at retirement center entrances from Boca Raton to Macau. Happily, none will be bought, or read.

DemmeFatale March 23, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Free with the purchase of 5 gallons of gas for your (shitty-ass) golf cart at The Villages.
Fucking Florida!

MarionNYNY March 24, 2012 at 12:59 am

Sheldon has no "smeg," he's cut.

MarionNYNY March 23, 2012 at 10:54 pm

"Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK because it didn’t look like him. That’s just nonsense dividing this country up. It is a tragedy this young man was shot. It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American."

Well, that's not exactly what the President said, what he said was…. oh forget it. Newt Gringrich the Emily Latella of politics.

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:22 pm

"So when the President says that it's too bad that some black kid got shot for no reason, is he actually suggesting that ALL WHITE PEOPLE SHOULD BE ROUNDED UP AND EXECUTED?? Because I have to say, that's not very nice."

Geminisunmars March 24, 2012 at 12:27 am

What's all this I hear about Republican Confections? Why are the Republicans trying to hog all the sweets for themselves?

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Well, I gave this a good shot earlier, but Gingrich's behavior has become so appalling that I feel the need to deploy The Bard:

GINGRICH:

"What time is it?”

PRINCE HENRY:

"Thou art so fat-witted, with drinking of old sack
and unbuttoning thee after supper and sleeping upon
benches after noon, that thou hast forgotten to
demand that truly which thou wouldst truly know.
What a devil hast thou to do with the time of the
day? Unless hours were cups of sack and minutes
capons and clocks the tongues of bawds and dials the
signs of leaping-houses and the blessed sun himself
a fair hot wench in flame-coloured taffeta, I see no
reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand
the time of the day."

Chichikovovich March 23, 2012 at 11:12 pm

And furthermore, Newt's a rump-fed ronyon.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:37 pm

And also …as a candle, the better burnt out.

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 9:07 am

Out, out, brief interminable candle.

And since that's the cue:

Newt’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more struts and frets more. [He tells] tale[s]
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 5:29 pm

It's too bad Bill isn't around not, because he'd just be having a Field Day with these Republicans.
He'd also have the easiest job in the world, commenting on Newt. All he would need to do is republish all his old stuff.

ttommyunger March 23, 2012 at 11:08 pm

" It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American." On the other hand, if he had been a pudgy, pasty-faced little fuck named Newt, we would have all been spared a lot of ugliness.

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:08 pm

How Not to be Racist, According to Newt and the GOP
1. Anybody pointing out that racism exists and/or is bad, is racist.
2. Double plus ungood if person doing said pointing out is blah.
3. If President Obama says anything complimentary or sympathetic about any blah person, ever, he's racist racist racist!!! *stamps foot*

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:10 pm

All kidding aside, I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and fart a more intelligent sentence than any of the candidates on their best day.

IceCreamEmpress March 23, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Newt's just doubling down on the "whoever smelt it, dealt it" strategy, isn't he? THE REAL RACISM IS ACKNOWLEDGING THE EXISTENCE OF RACISM! Barf forever.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Well, Doktor StrangeZoom has used up all the great Apocalypse Now quotes, and that's OK by me.
Bomb 'em back into the Stone Age, Doc.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 2:38 am

Fastest IMDB cut and paste in the West.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 6:40 am

Don't forget the Value-Added editing, now.

MosesInvests March 25, 2012 at 3:27 am

I asked for a primary. For my sins, I was given one.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 6:39 am

"…and when it was over I'd never want another."

We can only hope.

WiscDad March 23, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Close your eyes and imagine you are Newt mounting Clitatsta. Now imagine you are Clitasta getting mounted by Newt. See this in vivid HD Technicolor in your mind. Now…savor the taste of vomit in your mouth…swishing it around and swallowing back down. THAT…is why Newt is Newt. We can really only HOPE they can consummate their love in a double suicide after his miserable showing in GrOPer primary

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I'm sorry. I got to the word "Newt" and threw up all over everything.

Thanks a lot.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 11:38 pm

OT, but positive news for Wonketeers on a dreary Friday evening: Alcohol does not kill brain cells.

WiscDad March 23, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Brain cells kill brain cells

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Brain Cells don't let Brain Cells kill Brain Cells!

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:35 am

Guns don't kill brain cells – brain cells with guns kill brain cells.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:45 pm

What!? Seven years of College down the drain!

commiegirl March 23, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Sure but when's the last time you saw Shane MacGowan?

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 12:04 am

I have a Pogues live album, Streams of Whiskey that, if I didn't know all the words to "The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn", I would have had no idea what language Shane MacGowan was using. Or if it was language…

Unbelievably, he's Touring with The Pogues again.
Perhaps that whole Brain Cell thing is really true, Eh?

Fukui-sanYesOta March 24, 2012 at 1:00 am

When I flipped him off in Belgo Centraal in Covent Garden?

ElPinche March 23, 2012 at 11:53 pm

And if the brain cell is wearing a hoodie, then its pepper-sprayed, choked and shot dead. Also skullfucked.

DerrickWildcat March 24, 2012 at 1:29 am

I think it can only kill the brain cells that are pussies.

ElPinche March 23, 2012 at 11:49 pm

There's nothing worse than a fat ass sore loser…except one that won't go away.

imissopus March 23, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Man, Andrew Breitbart would be loving this. Which is why, once again, I'm relieved he checked out. The frothing rage would be just too much.

DahBoner March 24, 2012 at 12:06 am

I agree with Newt.

Everytime a White dude kills a Black guy, the Judge should be Black, so no bias.

Unless he's a Rich Republican Black dude killing his ex, then he should be JAPANESE, motherfuckers…

a_pink_poodle March 24, 2012 at 12:10 am

Oh no, who do I root for, the guy who says stupid, aggressive crap or the guy who says stupid, ignorant crap?

Biel_ze_Bubba March 24, 2012 at 12:12 am

"..that just wasn’t a very good deal you got for what was left of your soul."

There you go again, dissing the free market. The fact is that Newt got a very good deal, considering.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:21 am

And who would know better than you, Biely?

That's a rhetorical question, by the bye. I *really* don't want to know anyone who would know better than you on that issue.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I suppose I could have given more detail: He got a good deal, considering that I was the only bidder.

Not my fault he didn't set a reserve price.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 24, 2012 at 12:15 am

OK … so far, so good….

MilwaukeeKent March 24, 2012 at 12:16 am

"Sign it and seal it and send it to France. Don't mention my name, don't make any long-term plans." [some Elvis Costello song] — Somehow Newt is always at that crossroads, like Robert Johnson, and walking right through it. Not sure what he's ever gotten from his repeated assurances of "Sure, sure Bub(beezle), I'll sign your paper, right after I finish up with this…" Maybe he's being paid by Romney to stay in the race and divide the conservative vote.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 12:24 am

"The Whorer… the Whorer…"

glamourdammerung March 24, 2012 at 12:25 am

Well, this is one thing Newt is consistent about considering Newt did not apologize when found guilty of those ethics offenses when Speaker.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 12:26 am

Just in case anyone (else) is looking for a small fridge, there's this one, and the knobs go up to 11.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 12:50 am

Do they really? That's wonderful.

Nice Attachment also.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 2:16 am

Authentic to the boner.

/fixed

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 1:16 am

I WANT one.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 2:28 am

Get two and stack 'em up!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 2:30 am

She's not your satellite
She doesn't miss you
So turn off your smoke machine
And Marshall stack

She doesn't have to have
Her young fresh fellows tape back now
But there's not a lot of things
That she'll take back

Biff March 24, 2012 at 11:34 am

Upfist for obscure Giants ref.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm

These guys must drink a LOT of beer.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm
CountryClubJihadi March 24, 2012 at 12:45 am

Newt is a despicable POS. Time for him to drop "Perma-Hoodie" off behind the counter of the overpriced menstrual blood lipstick section at Neiman Marcus and ride off into the sunset.

Isyaignert March 24, 2012 at 1:08 am

Noooooo – we need Gnewt to keep it interesting. Damn, I miss Hermann Idonthavefactstobackthisup Cain and Michelle Batshitcrazy Bachmann.

Isyaignert March 24, 2012 at 12:55 am

This site is the best one on the entire Internets (sic) for honest news and heartfelt commentary. It's like watching the Daily Show all day long.

XOXO

Fukui-sanYesOta March 24, 2012 at 1:15 am

Hey, stick around! You might work out why we're banned from being utter bastards.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 1:28 am

Exactly, like you Fuk, dude's got insight. And we've got enough intelligence to avoid the Sword of Damacles, amirite?

Fukui-sanYesOta March 24, 2012 at 2:09 am

Damocles is a redacted and I hope he gets machinegunned.

um, XOXO

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 1:53 am

Aww, we love it here, sit down and hang out.

DerrickWildcat March 24, 2012 at 2:19 am

Hi, my name is Derrick Wildcat. Around here, they call me the, "Hammer"

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 2:23 am

(pssstt!! Ask 'em about birds!)

DerrickWildcat March 24, 2012 at 2:47 am

All you need to know is that birds are arguably the best kind of animal there is.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 11:36 am

Arguably. Have you looked in their eyes, man? Pure evil!

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 2:29 am

How's the hoosegow?

DerrickWildcat March 24, 2012 at 2:30 am

I am a different kind of hammer

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 2:20 am

Jon Stewart haz the sadz, but we have the gladz.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 2:26 am

I just had a thought (which I'm pretty sure I'll shortly regret), but maybe we could all get together and put on a show get up a petition to ask Washington University in St. Louis to torment Newts for cruel training exercises.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:54 am

Only if they're the big fat Sta-Puft Marshmallow type Newts.

FlipOffResearch March 24, 2012 at 2:46 am

The best description I ever heard of Gingrich is that he sounds like how dumb people think that smart people sound. You can just hear it in the way he angles it in his arguments, I'm smarter than everyone else and I'm gonna blow them away with this argument.

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 2:47 am

And by "the speck that knew you were doing wrong before you did it anyway" you ARE referring to Newt's peen, aren't you?

imissopus March 24, 2012 at 2:49 am

Oh for fuck's sake, you fucking people. I'm going to bed.

Soylent Green March 24, 2012 at 3:52 am

Newt is that guy. You've seen this one before. The guy that all your friends says is 'sooo smart'. When you finally meet and greet, you're a little taken that he comes off as an indignant, self-centered, bullshitting pudgeball. Of course, you may be mistaken and chock it up as a bad first impression. But then, after another encounter you realize that you're far superior in intellegence than you originally thought and dismiss your friends and their false god as a lower form of sub-species. Yeah. He's that guy.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 11:41 am

Ed Zachary. He is why I don't-nay, won't-converse with republicans. Too nasty.

GreatChristiano March 24, 2012 at 8:05 am

Sorry people but O'bama saying, "If I had a son, he'd look like Treyvon" is a divisive statement that proves Barrack Hussein doesn't care about any other race. Read August Wilson's Radio Golf: "Are you gonna be mayor for the black people? Or are you gonna be mayor for the whites?"

Once again, someone "acted stupidly."

SudsMcKenzie March 24, 2012 at 8:22 am

Can we still have breakfast at Tiffanys ?

GreatChristiano March 24, 2012 at 9:50 am

Grits?

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:53 am

AWRIGHT, y'all. Pdog's right. Y'all need a giant hug from me.

(Hugs the whole fucking lotta ya)

I love you so much, babies. Please no makey teh fighty. Not wiv each other, anyway, and not when there's REPUBLIZARDS to beat down.

UW8316154 March 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

It's okay, and I love you too, honey. Now let's go back to bed and everything is going to be just fine.

/Wipes Frothy's tears and leads Frothy by the hand back to the bedroom

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 1:57 am

Hey, wow. Sweet gig. I mean, ahem, yes, let me just (slides into bedroom with appreciative grin)

HistoriCat March 25, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Now that's some smooth moves (taking notes on this).

Toomush_Infer March 24, 2012 at 10:18 am

Okay, but all sexy-time comments aside, most white kids do look like Newt for the first week or so….or like Eisenhower….or Winston Churchhill…. just sayin'…..

swordfis March 24, 2012 at 10:39 am

@Rebecca: too euphemistic. OK, no snark, my hands are shaking with rage as I write this and I'm practically in tears at the filthy opportunistic degradation of all ethical values that is this bag of phlegm.

labman57 March 24, 2012 at 11:24 am

Just another steaming pile of rhetoric from a desperate Republican politician.

HippieEsq March 24, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Maybe Newt is saying that in the post-racial Obama presidency, people are not allowed to be cognizant of their own skin color. This is helpful to Newt because without a suit he's actually invisible-pale.

JimNauseam March 24, 2012 at 3:27 pm

"Take me with you, man, I wanna get a picture. Now here did I put my wide-angle lens?"

littlebigdaddy March 24, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I notice Newt did not say it would be a tragedy if he were a Messican.

randcoolcatdaddy March 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

And here I thought that Newt had exhausted all possible ways that he could be repulsive.

Isyaignert March 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I've always wanted to be the 500th comment! Yeah!

Gnewt still sux and Obama's still awesome!

Wile E. Quixote March 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

The editrix wrote:

Well, guess we got one more post in us this evening, huh? Here we were, drinking wine, sitting on the couch, and braiding Kirsten Boyd Johnson’s hair,

Next time could you just post some pictures of the hair-braiding and skip the icky Newt Gingrich stuff?

Biff March 23, 2012 at 9:46 pm

♫The future's uncertain and the end is always near…♫

tessiee March 23, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Let it roll, Baby, roll,
*shimmies*
Let it roll, Baby, roll,
*pumps fist*
Let it roll, Baby, roll,
Roll, all night long!
*dances with booty higher than head*

starfanglednut March 23, 2012 at 11:15 pm

And I have not take any drugs. At all.

flamingpdog March 23, 2012 at 11:24 pm

"Bill Clinton does not inhale marijuana, right? You bet. Like I chew on LSD but I don't swallow it.'"

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Ray-Ban Shooters are the way to go. Don't listen to anyone who tells you differently.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:42 pm

"You took Too Much, Too Much, man."

RadioStalingrad March 23, 2012 at 11:42 pm

C'mon C_R_E, we're enjoying the umbrage. From Shakespeare to Conrad to Thompson and beyond. And here's Newt's hoodie as a bonus.

Biff March 23, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I was hit pretty hard on fistalnacht, lucky I even survived.

commiegirl March 23, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Why RS, what a nice thing to say! And some others among you, you might kindly take note of how a woman should be treated in her domaine.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 12:00 am

Radio is SO invited to my party!

imissopus March 23, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Above all else, don't point out typos.

Dashboard_Jesus March 24, 2012 at 12:14 am

srsly, WTF crawled up that girls butt…something's wrong on the Wonkette's here and it ain't the 'Dog…not sure why you feel a need to 'defend' the commiegirl but she's got a SERIOUS attitude problem, srsly

Texan_Bulldog March 24, 2012 at 12:17 am

Nothing personal but I've been coming here since 2007; I've seen editors and commenters come and go. Who the hell are you to tell me to stop coming to this site and 'grow the hell up'?

I have enjoyed coming to this site for years (instead of months for you). Oh, and I'm pretty well off myself since that seems to be important to you.

commiegirl March 24, 2012 at 12:29 am

Thank you for the lunch money, Barb. I will see you again right here tomorrow. But Texan is right; I am oversensitive to a few things right now: shirty implications of things I don't do, like delete people or comments who criticize me. You (not you) are welcome to say what you'd like about me, and I am welcome to tell you (not you) to stop whining like a bitch. The other thing I'm oversensitive to is anyone who tries to be boss of me. I wasn't a good fit with "bosses" there at the end. Turns out I don't need them anymore.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 12:21 am

"The 'dog" insulted her and SHE'S the one with the attitude? It's her sandbox and not anyone's litter box.

Geminisunmars March 24, 2012 at 12:23 am

A true regagnaissance man, is he?

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I understand.
We have only a finite amount of time and energy in this life, and if we started snarking on ALL the reasons why Newt is stomach-turningly scuzzy, we wouldn't even have a chance to BEGIN snarking on all the reasons why Santorum is a repulsive lunatic, Romney is an out-of-touch, dickish autocrat, etc. etc. etc.; and let's face it, that must be done.

Texan_Bulldog March 24, 2012 at 12:27 am

I 'insulted' her by calling her the 'editrix' which is her favorite term for herself?

Barb March 24, 2012 at 12:32 am

You are correct, I've only been coming here for months.
It's okay for you to attack Rebecca and then give the mother of all hand job apologies and then question why I attack you back?

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 24, 2012 at 12:47 am

Ladies, ladies, you don't have to fight; there's enough of me here for all of you!

Texan_Bulldog March 24, 2012 at 12:38 am

Who's attacking Rebecca? I just think 'editrix' is used too frequently? I haven't apologized to anyone–are you okay?

Biff March 24, 2012 at 12:38 am

Clubmasters ftw!

Gunner Asch March 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Dollar Store FTW

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 12:46 am

Oh, I'm just not Cool enough to pull those off. I love 'em though!

Years of field work have me stuck on Aviators. I did get a set of Amber-Matics that are Most Excellent for driving.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 12:47 am

I love this and will cherish it for ever.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:10 am

Rebecca, I was rude to 'Dog about mentioning my wealth and I am sorry for that. It was a preemptive strike because I was waiting for a comeback about "you must want a job" (blah, blah, blah) That was ignorant of me. I lead a quiet life of clipping coupons, donating to needy causes and my closet is a mishmash of sweaters and bathing suits that I wear at the same time. (seriously) Sorry "Dog.

I went to Ekerd's Drugstore with my daughter Victoria Grace when she was 9 years-old. We were looking at Valentine's Day cards and some old man walked up to her and teased her if she was "looking for a Valentine for her husband" She looked at him and asked, "what do you think this is, fucking Arkansas?"

The minute you posted, I stood up and raised my arms and screamed, "Victoria Grace!" I have the sweet daughter, Christine Jeanette and she teaches American Sign Language to the little deaf children and she's a pediatric nurse with only foster children. Since the moment she was born with her blueberry eyes, skin as pink as gum and breath that smelled like cookies, I've been madly in love.

A year later, I gave birth to Victoria. Life is more fun with the Victorias and Rebeccas. I wouldn't trust her with a "do not resuscitate" court order, but she would be the first one to tell me that my sweater is drooping and my bathing suit is sagging and she'd post my nip-slip on Facebook and refer to me as "Birth Mom Barbie"

I love me some Victoria.

occams8ball March 24, 2012 at 11:49 am

give yourself some time to relax. I really respected the wonkette staff for taking the weekend off. I check all weekend for new posts, but I want our brilliant editor and staff to have a life too, and feel like they deserve it. I think of Wonkette as being a huge old barn with a trap door in the floor, when the writers come across a fresh road kill, they open the trap door and toss it in to us (the fans) to fight over. We will fight over anything and enjoy ourselves. Sarah Palin speaking in front of a turkey shredder is choice, and we all know it, but any little squirt like santorum will do.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:31 am

You've been "coming here for YEARS" and you find "editrix" is used too frequently after two weeks? I guess you are really annoyed by:
blood libel
all of them, Katie
magic underwear
cunt
Alaskcunt
Mittbot 3000
sweater vests
up-fisting
p-ness
Abortionplex
Etch-a-sketch
trans vaginal ultrasound
bl-ah
Bet you $10,000.00
Nazi's
Ron Paul's missing eyebrows
Read my lips…no. new. Texans! (okay, I had to throw in my 400+ p-point comment)

If you think anything is "used too frequently" then dazzle us and bring something new to the table. Change the conversation and say something insightful or witty.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 1:33 am

Why thanks Barb, I might not be the wittiest, or funniest, or productive commentor here, but, for sure, you won't be sorry, I can party like a rockstar.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:33 am

Bonzos, are you calling for a white-cotton-pantie tickle fight to the death?

Biff March 24, 2012 at 1:35 am

I can't count how many pair of Amber-Matics I've broken over the years. Used to be lifetime-guaranteed, send 'em in, get a new pair. No more freebies, now that B&L doesn't own them anymore. I had a pair of Clubs last 35 years, so it was a no-brainer to replace them with the same. Sadly, the same no longer exists. The new ones have different sized and shaped lenses, and they're coated. I still bought them, but I doubt they'll last as long. Just as well, I should be dead by then anyway.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:35 am

Radio, I appreciate you for who you are, an insightful, witty charming, caring person who makes me laugh. Oh, bring ice to the party, please.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:38 am

Flaming, do you have a webcam?

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:43 am

I have a kellicam, but not a webcam.

Texan_Bulldog March 24, 2012 at 1:45 am

Umm…actually these are all within the last couple weeks.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:47 am

Redarmyzombie, I read your whole post with a deep southern drawl. Meet us on the veranda for a mint juleps, please. I think that you could be the person who would make me appreciate grits. Thanks! : )

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 1:47 am

{{Abrasos}}
Ice is Civilization!
BTW, where is, our, FROTHY in all of this?
I was burned last week by being in Ohio with crappy internet reception that started my Kafkaesque nightmare, but she's in the Outback, and it ain't a steakhouse.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:51 am

Oh, honey bunches of O's, you just went over my head. I have to call Jeffer to ask how to open an e-mail attachment. Would you accept Polariod photos sent by snail mail?

AbandonHope March 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Wow, that pun was awful and somewhat non-sensical and I totally approve.

Worf/Martok 2012!

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:51 am

What do you think this is, fucking Arkansas?"

Does Victoria Grace need a husband now? I have a 27-year-old son who is still single and doesn't have a girl friend.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:55 am

My other BFF, Frothy will be around soon. I miss him.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 7:06 am

Right here, sugarbuns. Right fucking here.

Late to the party by multiple hours, of course, but hey.

And who you calling "she," dood? The hubster is gonna be SO bent.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 24, 2012 at 2:02 am

Well, I guess if it came to that.

I could of course be a non-biased observer/referee…

redarmyzombie March 24, 2012 at 2:17 am

Barb, if my humble comment brought a smile to your face, why, I consider it an honor to have pleased such a fine and distinguished lady such as yourself.

You can inform Jeff that it pleases me to join you two on such a fine spring night such as this. In fact, if you like I could bring a little somethin' stronger to carry us on through the early hours of the mornin', if it so tickles yuh fancy! ;-)

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 2:18 am

Sorry, one more thing. I've actually met Wonkateers in real life. In fact, I was looking forward to seeing a few this weekend, and was greatly disappointed as they had to back out. And, as you would expect, they are great people in real life. Funny, thoughtful, cute, intelligent, eeeteecee, blah blah blah. And if they are part of this community, and you are the doyenne, and you support our new overlordess, well then all the better.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 7:07 am

You don't know how much I miss you, babygirl … I know you'll never see this, but I do. With a pain in my heart.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 2:27 am

Both of my daughters are pregnant and due on the same day. Christine is having a daughter, Mina (Mee-Nah) Evangeline, and Victoria is having a son, Mitchell Anderson. I don't have the heart to tell Christine that Victoria once had a cat named Mina. Christine is still sensitive that her father named her after a family pet, a poodle named Chrissy. She's gonna shit when she finds out. I expect that my great grandchild will be named after a secretly dead flushed goldfish named Gill.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 2:31 am

Ah, Polaroids. The first picture I ever saw of a woman's furry vagina was a Polaroid that a friend of mine slipped me while standing next to his locker in the hallway in junior high school. I about freaked, not because of the pic, but because I was just sure the assistant principal was going to walk up behind me and see me with the pic!

Barb March 24, 2012 at 3:15 am

I've never met a real Wonkateer. I have my own website and I've met people there and I always pick up the check and give them pity sex.

Mumbletypeg March 25, 2012 at 6:08 pm

For the record, Radio — you have no idea what malaise settled over me, along w/ observing the driving rain outside, as I realized how much I'd been looking forward to D.C. It's not as if there won't be other opportunities — and turns out my body was tired, from previous week/end's frivolity, and I am feeling oldz & squandered much this wknd on sleep I apparently needed. Glad to see you here so I can know you atheists didn't get thunderbolts hurled by Zeus or whoever up in the angry skies y'all don't believe in, and thank heavens-to-betsies the predicted tornadoes didn't spin any mayhem here either.
Tornadoes in March, sheesh. Effin'-hey, I'll make the train there next time come hell OR high water.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 3:35 am

RedArmy, I would grill you a porterhouse steak and a baked potato the size of your head. Hell, I would let you drive my car!

My Oreo jingle was recorded yesterday. All I can offer you is lots of Oreo cookies and the 3 casinos that Jeff runs. I'm a professional poker player and that is SO boring. *sigh* I'm going to have to think about something that would amuse you and get back to you.

Fare la Volpe March 24, 2012 at 7:58 am

He saw the panties in the "fun" drawer and made assumptions.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 8:03 am

Geez, dood, don't be telling *nobody* what's in there! (Hurriedly "re-houses" various items)

Texan_Bulldog March 24, 2012 at 8:16 am

That doesn't make any sense; humans don't do that. Sorry, but who the hell are you to determine who comes & comments on Wonkette?

If Wonkette doesn't want the opinion of an Army veteran (married to a Disabled Veteran) who is a mom of two elementary-aged kids and is socially progressive & fiscally conservative, they should let me know. I don't give two shits about your opinion and didn't realize you owned Wonkette & deemed who should/should not be here, since I've been here before cankles & Custer wolf. (Old time Wonketteers know what I'm referring to.)

Previously, the job of the editor/'editrix' of Wonkette was to provide humorous commentary on the daily political news for us to snark about (& get page views). I never recall any of them getting their feelings hurt & telling their commenters to fuck off. I didn't realize we had to massage their egos & tell them how awesome they were. Shit, if saying she says 'editrix' too much flips her out, wait until she hits the real world where people get cut off in traffic, restaurant food gets spit in and the guy/gal doesn't call you back after they say they will.

I'm still coming here as long as I'm not banned–sorry to spoil your morning coffee.

Angry_Marmot March 24, 2012 at 8:36 am

Where were you when I needed pity?

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 9:16 am

Tsk! Internetz Gay Husband, no talking like dat. I will miss you, and it would be plain ol mean to cause me such suffering.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

20 more years on this rock should be sufficient, wouldn't wish to outstay my welcome. Can't imagine myself at 95.

commiegirl March 24, 2012 at 11:35 am

Good morning, Texan. There was a man who sent me a note begging me to lay off the "editrix" stuff and referring to myself in posts. I thought you were the same guy and still harping on it — and thereby trying to tell me what to do. Since you are not a man, it wasn't you. I do apologize for overreacting. I honestly do.

I know you deleted a different comment, but I want you to know: I don't have "perfect" children. I have a 17-year-old boy whom I've been raising from the age of 18 months. He was a crack baby. When I got him, he couldn't crawl yet. He's a sweet, dumb kid, he's certainly not going to college, and I have very sincere doubts that he will manage to graduate in June, because he cannot pass the high school exam for the life of him. I worry ALL. THE. TIME.

And Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to tell you I don't ban people for criticizing me? See, you're still implying I do. Stop it already, christ.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 11:52 am

"Dog, thank you for your service to our country and thank you to your husband.

PsycWench March 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

DAMMIT it's the point in the semester where I can't afford to look at Wonkette hardly at all during the week and I find there is some sort of bitch-slap thing going on and even worse, Texan spoke the name of Custer Wolf…I thought that name was never to be spoken again. The trauma I am experiencing right now…

Texan_Bulldog March 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Good morning to you, CG. No, that wasn't me who emailed you. I just happened to notice you said that fairly often, but I will no longer harangue you about it. I am sincerely sorry that it became an issue.

There are no words for a person who opens their heart & home to a child in need, esp. knowing that child will have a hard row to hoe in this life. My 7-year-old son is not technically developmentally disabled, but he does march to the beat of his own drum, which of course causes me to worry about his future (but it's nothing compared to your worries).

I enjoy Wonkette immensely. Living in a deeply red state, I have few Democratic friends. I usually just keep my mouth shut when politics come up. Here, I feel like I have 'friends' who are like-minded and I can share my opinions. It's my guilty pleasure (along with disco music, romance novels and gummy bears).

Anyway, hope you have a great weekend. Cheers!

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

100% fer realz comment: Transfer him to a private Jeebus school immediately for the last few months of senior year. He can graduate there w/out having to pass the CAHSEE. DO IT NOW!!!! I don't know how to send PMs, but this relates to my day job (yes, I'm actually a gainfully employed liberal elite).

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Jeez, I'm away from you guys for one day — ONE DAY!! — with agonizingly painful dental surgery, and you see what happens? I miss a big brawl with everybody else fighting in a big cartoon puff of smoke with stars and fists sticking out of it everywhichways.

I suppose the life lesson here is DO NOT STEP AWAY FROM THE SNARK.

Fare la Volpe March 24, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Slumber party!!

Incidentally, Coco & Spanking is the name of my new cop drama on CBS.

anniegetyerfun March 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Hope you are feeling better – did you get some good painkillers?

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 1:12 am

I'm tellin' ya. Turn your back on these Wonkrats for ten minnitz and they get up to SUMPN.

(Hugs you) Hope you're feeling better, kiddo. Just don't take Toradol, that stuff eats your stomach from the inside out.

Bezoar March 24, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I for one appreciate the return to genteel civility on display here. Remember, we must all hang together or we will all hang separately.

GreatChristiano March 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Wait a minute–you mean we are only supposed to make fun of republicans on here?

Oh, shit!

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 1:10 am

(Hugs you) I'm glad you worked it out, ladies. T_B, I hope you know how much I appreciate you. Things have been crappy all around, and I didn't want to see you go away, and most especially go away feeling unappreciated. But my connection is very slow, and I'm a whole day and a half behind in timezones, so I'm just grateful that you're not leaving. I send you a case of virtual gummy bears.

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

You were fucking magnificent, my man!

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I am truly Honored. Thank you.

This place brings these kinds of things out in me. Perhaps it's the company, Eh?

Pennywhistler March 24, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Isn't post-humous the part where you watch 'em grow?

HippieEsq March 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I'm not sure. But I can't afford to send my iPhone to Hebrew School AND the Grammar/Spelling Academy and I've already used the P section of my dictionary to roll joints.

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Passages here and there fit, it's true, but none of these Republicans have sufficient capacity or dimension of character to fashion one of his tragedies around either as hero or villain. Even Bottom has more substance, and is more appealing than Newt. He might write Newt into a role like Juliet's Nurse, or Macbeth's porter I suppose, but mostly he'd leave Newt, Santorum, Romney, Bachmann, etc. for Marlowe and Ben Jonson to chew on.Unless Puck is going to come onstage soon to tell us the whole thing was all a dream. I'm down with that.—

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Yeah, I know, it made absolutely no freaking sense, but whenever someone mentions a word ending in -cam, that really dumb, irritating word from the Star Trek lingua inevitably pops into my head.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Also, buttsex, too.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

You are correct, of course, so we'll need to look further down roster.

Rosencrantz and/or Guidenstern's characters are about as developed as the average Congressional Republican.

And Yorick, alas, would have to be Breitbart,

I think Puck is off under a tree, waiting for Godot.

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 9:53 pm

True, those are two good ones. Plus: put dark sunglasses on Ron Paul and I can see him as Old Gobbo.—

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Excellent

user-of-owls March 24, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Oooh, now you've done it. Don't you get it?? Impolite, non-submissive lickspittles are not welcome here anymore. You see, we might hurt the feelings of the people who are ginning up attacks on Trayvon Martin (he's the violent one!), demanding that women get fucking rape probed by the state and murdering undocumented aliens and their fucking children. Heaven forfend!

Who could have ever imagined that one day custerwolf would come back and buy this place?

Texan_Bulldog March 24, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Ha ha. Did you notice you can't put the two words together or it won't go through the Wonkette filter? I also lovingly remember the big head of Campbell Brown, the old [ugly] brown format and AngryBlackGuy (hope he's doing well). Good luck with your classes.

not that Dewey March 24, 2012 at 11:40 pm

58-1: Definition of counter-revolutionary activity: "A counter-revolutionary action is any action aimed at overthrowing, undermining or weakening of the power of wonketeers' and commenters' posts… and editors of the Wonket and autonomous associate editors, or at the undermining or weakening of the external security of the Wonket and main economical, political and national achievements of the trucknutz revolution"

58-1а. Treason: death sentence or 10 years of prison, both cases with property confiscation.

58-1в. In the case of flight of the offender in treason subject to 58-1б, his relatives were subject to 5–10 years of imprisonment with confiscation or 5 years of Huffington Post exile, depending on the circumstances: either they helped or knew and didn't report or simply lived with the offender.

58-1г. Non-reporting of a treason: 10 years of imprisonment. Non-reporting by others: offense by Article 58-12.

58-2. Armed uprising or intervention with the goal to seize the power: up to death with confiscation, including formal recognition as "enemy of wonketeers".

58-3. Contacts with commenters "with counter-revolutionary purposes" (as defined by 58-1) are subject to Article 58-2.

58-4. Any kind of help to commenters which, not recognizing the equality of the commenting system, strives to overthrow it: punishment similar to 58-2.

58-5. Urging any commenter to declaration of blog war, Breitbart intervention, trolling, capture of site property, breaking diplomatic relations, breaking bipartisan treaties, and other aggressive actions against Wonket: similar to 58-2.

58-6. Espionage. Punishment: similar to 58-2.

58-7. Undermining of site industry, click-throughs, monetary circulation or advertising system, as well as of cooperative societies and organizations, with counter-revolutionary purpose (as defined by 58-1) by means of the corresponding usage of the site institutions, as well as by opposing their normal functioning: same as 58-2. Note: the offense according to this article was known as wrecking and the offenders were called "wreckers".

58-8. Terrorist acts against representatives of Wonket power or of wonketeers organizations: same as 58-2.

58-9. Damage of topic, searchable links, comment replies, up-fisting and other network or site and communal property with counter-revolutionary purpose: same as 58-2.

58-10. Anti-Wonket and counter-revolutionary propaganda and agitation: at least 6 months of imprisonment. In the conditions of unrest or blogwar: same as 58.2.

58-11. Any kind of organizational or support actions related to the preparation or execution of the above crimes is equated to the corresponding offenses and prosecuted by the corresponding articles.

58-12. Non-reporting of a "counter-revolutionary activity": at least 6 months of imprisonment.

58-13. Active struggle against revolutionary movement of Laynist personnel and members of "counter-revolutionary commenters" during the civil war, same as 58-2.

58-14 "Counter-revolutionary sabotage", i.e., conscious non-execution or deliberately careless execution of "defined duties", aimed at the weakening of the power of the poop blog and of the functioning of the site apparatus is subject to at least one year of freedom deprivation, and under especially aggravating circumstances, up to the highest measure of social protection: execution by banhammer with confiscation of property.

user-of-owls March 25, 2012 at 12:03 am

First we will kill all the subversives, then we will kill their collaborators, then their sympathizers, then those who remain indifferent, and finally, we will kill the timid.

Iberico Saint Jean
Governor of Buenos Aires Province, 1976

not that Dewey March 25, 2012 at 12:16 am

I was wavering between indifferent and timid. YOU KNEW, AND YET YOU SAID NOTHING!

OT: here's a picture of my kitties. Boo is forcibly bathing Mr. Glitch.

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 2:21 am

OK, I'll be ready to pop my clogs by then too. Let's have a grand Going-Out Party!

user-of-owls March 25, 2012 at 3:24 am

Boo should run for governor of Virginia where said officeholders are quite fond of forcibly doing unto others despite the lack of consent.

Yeah, I'm looking at you, Gov. Transvaginal Probe Law.

C_R_Eature March 25, 2012 at 6:46 am

" A Possum Stole My Balls!

"Watch the hilarity as our plucky group of contestants search the treetops for the one Opossum that has stolen all of their Balls."

New Reality TV series from Australia.

HistoriCat March 25, 2012 at 9:41 am

I just want to downfist you and Biff for these comments. No one is going anywhere – you hear me?!?

Dashboard Buddha March 25, 2012 at 11:38 am

Buttsex libel

Dashboard Buddha March 25, 2012 at 11:39 am

custerwolf

Trinket March 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Where IS AngryBlackGuy?

For the record (since I know you all totally give a shit), I like you, Texan_Bulldog. I like you, too, Rebecca Schoenkopf.

All this infighting makes me almost long for Neilist. Now, THAT guy was an asshole.

dubyatf March 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I was mining the vast archive of comedic lore around the stereotype in re: Jewish girls/ladies' abhorrence of fellatio. I'm guessing I must have offended you since my observation is that you and your fellow Wonks are deucedly clever and my remark wasn't all that esoteric. If that's so, I apologize, most sincerely. I have not yet worked out all the nuances here at Wonkette. : (

PsycWench March 25, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Not even a fun and witty asshole. More like that guy who draws Mallard Fillmore or whatever that shrill right-wing comic is.

Texan_Bulldog March 25, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Thanks, Trinket. Don't know what happened to ABG. I know a few years ago he posted a diary on DailyKOS about how his mortgage company was screwing him over on his house. I believe he lived in FL. I just hope he wasn't wearing a hoodie & walking down a FL street.

Mumbletypeg March 25, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Hahaha don't take Radio personally. I thought you were female too, I blame my vodka intake. [from like 12 years ago] [slightly exaggerating here].

not that Dewey March 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm

The Blue Caps came by today, sniffing around the apartment. They were at yours, too. I don't know whether they found anything.

I won't say anything. I'll just blink
- .-. ..- -.-. -.- -. ..- – –..

over and over again

user-of-owls March 25, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Texan_Bulldog March 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I tried it but it wouldn't post but my Firefox has been acting wonky. Whew, that chick was something else.

not that Dewey March 25, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Awesome.

But, no. I meant Los Blue Caps.

Texan_Bulldog March 25, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Thank you, Frothy. It's all good now! (As far as I'm concerned.)

FROTHY March 25, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Sure sounds that way, sweet pretty laydee! I Can Haz A Happeee Now!

user-of-owls March 25, 2012 at 11:31 pm

You sure it wasn't these guys?

FROTHY March 26, 2012 at 4:51 am

Aw, no. I get prickly sometimes when I've had an exceptionally shitty day, but mostly I loves alla youse. Srsly. I have been so happy knowing that there are so many smart, witty, funny, snarky people in the world who have GOOD politics and GOOD hearts. It's a very rare combination (shit, I've been looking for six decades and more, now).

Nothingisamiss March 26, 2012 at 7:34 am

Glad you're here. I'm late to the party, but I've always thought better late than never. As a years long denizen of these parts I appreciate you. (I probably don't always agree with you, but meh, I live in the south and am surrounded by fuckheads. Even in disagreement you're not a fuckhead.)

not that Dewey March 26, 2012 at 8:50 am

Pretty sure it wasn't them. But it could have been these guys.

user-of-owls March 26, 2012 at 6:15 pm

If the Queer Guys eyed those goons, they'd be wearing this lickety-split!

not that Dewey March 26, 2012 at 6:57 pm

True story: Mrs D threatened to make me watch that show. I said "why? what am I doing wrong?"

"Everything"

user-of-owls March 26, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Great story! But nary a blue cap, hat, chapeau or porkpie to be found.
Why do you hate blue caps?? And homos??

not that Dewey March 26, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Well, I found black caps, blue chins, blue throats, but nary a blue ca….wait! What's this?

user-of-owls March 27, 2012 at 3:28 am

woo hoo! and just one more. Ok, maybe une d'autre.

not that Dewey March 27, 2012 at 8:46 am

Wow. You must be thirsty. Can I get you something to drink?

Isyaignert March 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Luvs ya back Frothy!

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