a soul is a terrible thing to waste

Toxic Cannibal Newt Gingrich Manages to Find Obama’s Trayvon Comments ‘Disgraceful’

The horrorWell, guess we got one more post in us this evening, huh? Here we were, drinking wine, sitting on the couch, and braiding Kirsten Boyd Johnson’s hair, and this little bit of happiness and rainbows and unicorns and magic flitted across our (somewhat impaired) field of vision: Newt Gingrich, Great White Hope, has turned his attention from protecting the honor of white ladies from Robert DeNiro’s terribly offensive (not at all offensive) jokes, and focused instead on the honor of everyone in this great nation of ours who had the misfortune to not be born black. See, the President noted, somberly and steadily, that Trayvon Martin looked like he could have been his son. Even the Daily Caller, try though it did, wasn’t able to find anything wrong with Obama’s statement itself, only that it had clearly been made at the behest of the Black Panthers, because duh of course it was. But you, Newton, are a special fellow. Open that pretty piehole, show us what you’re working with: “What the president said, in a sense, is disgraceful.” Because the president is racist? Yes.

“It’s not a question of who that young man looked like. Any young American of any ethnic background should be safe, period. We should all be horrified no matter what the ethnic background.

“Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK because it didn’t look like him. That’s just nonsense dividing this country up. It is a tragedy this young man was shot. It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American. At some point, we ought to talk about being Americans. When things go wrong to an American, it is sad for all Americans. Trying to turn it into a racial issue is fundamentally wrong. I really find it appalling.”

So what Newt Gingrich is “working with” then is “unallayed fucking sociopathic evil.” What did we say this morning? Yes, here it is, ctrl-c/ctrl-v:

But how can a black man be in charge of the Executive Branch when the Justice Department is investigating a possible hate crime against a black boy? That would be like a black man pointing out that it’s stupid for a cop to arrest a black man in his own home for suspecting him of being an intruder, or a gay judge being in charge of a case about gayness. Unpossible! Racism! Bias!

Right. Haha, remember, like 9 hours ago, when that was funny? (Eh, it was never that funny.) So how many hours did that take you, Newty, to decide to let it all go, that last shred of humanity that might have been hiding in there, the speck that knew you were doing wrong before you did it anyway? When did you decide, for your ambitions, to go full-Colonel Kurtz and let all your homicidal tendencies run free? Newt Gingrich, destroyer of souls, ruiner of humanity, really not-good-looking manthing! It’s got a good beat! You could dance to it! Anyhoo, sure hope you at last manage to peel off a few voters from Santorum, otherwise that just wasn’t a very good deal you got for what was left of your soul. [National Journal]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Feckless Food Stamp President Engages in Race-Baiting, Says Gingrich

    • Greta_Garbage

      NEWT!!!! how did you get back here? i thought i flushed you down the toilet stool yesterday…….

  • DrunkIrishman

    Newt, guess what, NO ONE LIKES YOU. You're not even popular in your own backward, ignorant, racist party. So, please, for the sake of all that is Holy, take your bloated, smelly, cellulite ass and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    Please. Just chow down on a goddamn Big Mac, choke, die and rot in the fucking ground because the only thing you're good for is being fertilizer to Mother Earth.

    • Barrelhse

      Bitch is probably toxic.

      • stncmchnc

        Not 100% toxic, she doesn't bleach her roots.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Mmmm….Big Mac. (Sorry, I got distracted & I'm kind of hungry.)

      • RadioStalingrad

        I got distracted by Death Wish III and the fact that DI got away with new rules violation.

        • redarmyzombie

          Well yes, but it's not a death *THREAT*: ergo…

          • RadioStalingrad

            Unless, of course, he was a McEmployed.

        • commiegirl

          Hi all! Just finishing up my 14-hour day. Long one, huh? You all good? Can I get you anything? Texan, how about you? Can I maybe stop "annoying" you by writing the way I do, on my website that apparently you own now, and are the editor of? While I'm here, fuck you for acting like I delete people for being critical of me. And also too, fuck you for being a whiny bitch. K, all, 'nite!

          xoxo
          Beccalou

          • Schmannnity

            The box wine is talking.

          • Chichikovovich

            Can I get you anything?

            Well, um, I guess maybe, uh, a glass of orange juice would be nice….

            Oh. Wait…. I get it. That was, like, sarcasm, wasn't it? Ooops. Well, I'll just be heading home now…

          • RadioStalingrad

            C'mon Momma, didn't KBJ give you a nice massage, candles, aromatherapy, a glass of whine?
            I, for one, love the new muscular Wonketz. And I'm the one who almost lost my membership — for what I totally assure you was a misunderstanding. I've always had a weakness for cute, jewess, strong, funny ladies. And the last two weeks have only reinforced those proclivities.
            I don't know if you're being satirical, but I can assure you, we are.
            Keep on Rockin' n Ravin'
            Abrasos y besos
            RadioRespect

          • commiegirl

            Why RS, what a nice thing to say! And some others among you, you might kindly take note of how a woman should be treated in her domaine.

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            Above all else, don't point out typos.

          • Barb

            Radio is SO invited to my party!

          • RadioStalingrad

            Why thanks Barb, I might not be the wittiest, or funniest, or productive commentor here, but, for sure, you won't be sorry, I can party like a rockstar.

          • Barb

            Radio, I appreciate you for who you are, an insightful, witty charming, caring person who makes me laugh. Oh, bring ice to the party, please.

          • RadioStalingrad

            {{Abrasos}}
            Ice is Civilization!
            BTW, where is, our, FROTHY in all of this?
            I was burned last week by being in Ohio with crappy internet reception that started my Kafkaesque nightmare, but she's in the Outback, and it ain't a steakhouse.

          • Barb

            My other BFF, Frothy will be around soon. I miss him.

          • RadioStalingrad

            Sorry, one more thing. I've actually met Wonkateers in real life. In fact, I was looking forward to seeing a few this weekend, and was greatly disappointed as they had to back out. And, as you would expect, they are great people in real life. Funny, thoughtful, cute, intelligent, eeeteecee, blah blah blah. And if they are part of this community, and you are the doyenne, and you support our new overlordess, well then all the better.

          • Barb

            I've never met a real Wonkateer. I have my own website and I've met people there and I always pick up the check and give them pity sex.

          • Angry_Marmot

            Where were you when I needed pity?

          • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

            For the record, Radio — you have no idea what malaise settled over me, along w/ observing the driving rain outside, as I realized how much I'd been looking forward to D.C. It's not as if there won't be other opportunities — and turns out my body was tired, from previous week/end's frivolity, and I am feeling oldz & squandered much this wknd on sleep I apparently needed. Glad to see you here so I can know you atheists didn't get thunderbolts hurled by Zeus or whoever up in the angry skies y'all don't believe in, and thank heavens-to-betsies the predicted tornadoes didn't spin any mayhem here either.
            Tornadoes in March, sheesh. Effin'-hey, I'll make the train there next time come hell OR high water.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            You don't know how much I miss you, babygirl … I know you'll never see this, but I do. With a pain in my heart.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Right here, sugarbuns. Right fucking here.

            Late to the party by multiple hours, of course, but hey.

            And who you calling "she," dood? The hubster is gonna be SO bent.

          • Fare la Volpe

            He saw the panties in the "fun" drawer and made assumptions.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Geez, dood, don't be telling *nobody* what's in there! (Hurriedly "re-houses" various items)

          • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

            Hahaha don't take Radio personally. I thought you were female too, I blame my vodka intake. [from like 12 years ago] [slightly exaggerating here].

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Aw, no. I get prickly sometimes when I've had an exceptionally shitty day, but mostly I loves alla youse. Srsly. I have been so happy knowing that there are so many smart, witty, funny, snarky people in the world who have GOOD politics and GOOD hearts. It's a very rare combination (shit, I've been looking for six decades and more, now).

          • Isyaignert

            Luvs ya back Frothy!

          • Texan_Bulldog

            Sensitive much? I thought I deleted this comment earlier so as not to hurt your feelings but guess not. I didn't know you owned Wonkette since I've been here since before the PUMA wars (which you probably don't even know what I'm talking about). Not sure why 'annoying' is in quotes since I never used that word but can say that hope you feel better after venting. If you ban me, all I can say is that it's been fun!

          • Barb

            Barb slides her lunch money toward BeccaLou……
            Run, the Homecoming Queen's got a gun!

            Texan, I don't need to kiss Rebecca's ass because I am wealthy and I don't need a job or anything from her. I like the woman! If you don't, that is your right. Just stop coming here and no one is going to miss you. Stop sitting behind a made up name and tossing garbage at her. Spank your inner moppet and grow the hell up, seriously.

            I enjoy coming here every day and seeing the talent of the posters, the incredible wit, the cheesy puns, the human stories that make you think and yes, Rebecca and the rest of the staff. Okay, maybe not Newell because he got a restraining order against me. Only 317 days left on that court order, Newell and you and I shall dance the forbidden dance again.

            Rebecca didn't do anything to you or anyone else.

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            srsly, WTF crawled up that girls butt…something's wrong on the Wonkette's here and it ain't the 'Dog…not sure why you feel a need to 'defend' the commiegirl but she's got a SERIOUS attitude problem, srsly

          • Barb

            "The 'dog" insulted her and SHE'S the one with the attitude? It's her sandbox and not anyone's litter box.

          • Texan_Bulldog

            I 'insulted' her by calling her the 'editrix' which is her favorite term for herself?

          • Texan_Bulldog

            Nothing personal but I've been coming here since 2007; I've seen editors and commenters come and go. Who the hell are you to tell me to stop coming to this site and 'grow the hell up'?

            I have enjoyed coming to this site for years (instead of months for you). Oh, and I'm pretty well off myself since that seems to be important to you.

          • Barb

            You are correct, I've only been coming here for months.
            It's okay for you to attack Rebecca and then give the mother of all hand job apologies and then question why I attack you back?

          • Texan_Bulldog

            Who's attacking Rebecca? I just think 'editrix' is used too frequently? I haven't apologized to anyone–are you okay?

          • Barb

            You've been "coming here for YEARS" and you find "editrix" is used too frequently after two weeks? I guess you are really annoyed by:
            blood libel
            all of them, Katie
            magic underwear
            cunt
            Alaskcunt
            Mittbot 3000
            sweater vests
            up-fisting
            p-ness
            Abortionplex
            Etch-a-sketch
            trans vaginal ultrasound
            bl-ah
            Bet you $10,000.00
            Nazi's
            Ron Paul's missing eyebrows
            Read my lips…no. new. Texans! (okay, I had to throw in my 400+ p-point comment)

            If you think anything is "used too frequently" then dazzle us and bring something new to the table. Change the conversation and say something insightful or witty.

          • Texan_Bulldog

            Umm…actually these are all within the last couple weeks.

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            Ladies, ladies, you don't have to fight; there's enough of me here for all of you!

          • Barb

            Bonzos, are you calling for a white-cotton-pantie tickle fight to the death?

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            Well, I guess if it came to that.

            I could of course be a non-biased observer/referee…

          • commiegirl

            Thank you for the lunch money, Barb. I will see you again right here tomorrow. But Texan is right; I am oversensitive to a few things right now: shirty implications of things I don't do, like delete people or comments who criticize me. You (not you) are welcome to say what you'd like about me, and I am welcome to tell you (not you) to stop whining like a bitch. The other thing I'm oversensitive to is anyone who tries to be boss of me. I wasn't a good fit with "bosses" there at the end. Turns out I don't need them anymore.

          • Barb

            Rebecca, I was rude to 'Dog about mentioning my wealth and I am sorry for that. It was a preemptive strike because I was waiting for a comeback about "you must want a job" (blah, blah, blah) That was ignorant of me. I lead a quiet life of clipping coupons, donating to needy causes and my closet is a mishmash of sweaters and bathing suits that I wear at the same time. (seriously) Sorry "Dog.

            I went to Ekerd's Drugstore with my daughter Victoria Grace when she was 9 years-old. We were looking at Valentine's Day cards and some old man walked up to her and teased her if she was "looking for a Valentine for her husband" She looked at him and asked, "what do you think this is, fucking Arkansas?"

            The minute you posted, I stood up and raised my arms and screamed, "Victoria Grace!" I have the sweet daughter, Christine Jeanette and she teaches American Sign Language to the little deaf children and she's a pediatric nurse with only foster children. Since the moment she was born with her blueberry eyes, skin as pink as gum and breath that smelled like cookies, I've been madly in love.

            A year later, I gave birth to Victoria. Life is more fun with the Victorias and Rebeccas. I wouldn't trust her with a "do not resuscitate" court order, but she would be the first one to tell me that my sweater is drooping and my bathing suit is sagging and she'd post my nip-slip on Facebook and refer to me as "Birth Mom Barbie"

            I love me some Victoria.

          • flamingpdog

            What do you think this is, fucking Arkansas?"

            Does Victoria Grace need a husband now? I have a 27-year-old son who is still single and doesn't have a girl friend.

          • Barb

            Both of my daughters are pregnant and due on the same day. Christine is having a daughter, Mina (Mee-Nah) Evangeline, and Victoria is having a son, Mitchell Anderson. I don't have the heart to tell Christine that Victoria once had a cat named Mina. Christine is still sensitive that her father named her after a family pet, a poodle named Chrissy. She's gonna shit when she finds out. I expect that my great grandchild will be named after a secretly dead flushed goldfish named Gill.

          • occams8ball

            give yourself some time to relax. I really respected the wonkette staff for taking the weekend off. I check all weekend for new posts, but I want our brilliant editor and staff to have a life too, and feel like they deserve it. I think of Wonkette as being a huge old barn with a trap door in the floor, when the writers come across a fresh road kill, they open the trap door and toss it in to us (the fans) to fight over. We will fight over anything and enjoy ourselves. Sarah Palin speaking in front of a turkey shredder is choice, and we all know it, but any little squirt like santorum will do.

          • redarmyzombie

            Now, hold on a tic, Ms./Mrs./Not-Sure-Which-Prefix-To-Use Editrix. I understand it's been a long day, and believe me, I understand people are grating. I get it. I dig. However, I am uncertain as to whether this is the appropriate manner in which to respond. After all, as our Editrix-In-Chief, you bear the ultimate authority, and with that comes a certain expectation in how one responds to criticism. For instance, rather than respond with "fuck you", I feel it would be much more erudite and mature to respond with, "Why yes, I am the owner of this here fine establishment in which satire is served. Now, all I've done is set down some common-sense rules with only the utmost respect in regards to mah (my) commentin' clientele, and if you disagree with that, well, you are free to take you patronage somewhere else."

            Now, I realize the words "Wonkette" and "mature" do not go together with the exception of the affirmation in the negatory; however, as a fine cultured gentleman, I feel that in the long run, this may be the most rewarding of methods in which to partake.

            Now, in the event you respond to my humble postulation and I find myself too predisposed to reply, I'd like to wish you all a real good day now. or night. Dependin' on which time zone you happen to reside in. Y'all take care now, y'hear?

          • Barb

            Redarmyzombie, I read your whole post with a deep southern drawl. Meet us on the veranda for a mint juleps, please. I think that you could be the person who would make me appreciate grits. Thanks! : )

          • redarmyzombie

            Barb, if my humble comment brought a smile to your face, why, I consider it an honor to have pleased such a fine and distinguished lady such as yourself.

            You can inform Jeff that it pleases me to join you two on such a fine spring night such as this. In fact, if you like I could bring a little somethin' stronger to carry us on through the early hours of the mornin', if it so tickles yuh fancy! ;-)

          • Barb

            RedArmy, I would grill you a porterhouse steak and a baked potato the size of your head. Hell, I would let you drive my car!

            My Oreo jingle was recorded yesterday. All I can offer you is lots of Oreo cookies and the 3 casinos that Jeff runs. I'm a professional poker player and that is SO boring. *sigh* I'm going to have to think about something that would amuse you and get back to you.

          • flamingpdog

            Hey, if there's any hot kiss-and-make-up sexytime activitites after all the fighting is over, would someone please be so kind as to let me know so I can ask if I can join in? Even though I was somewhere else on teh internetz looking at French pornpronunciation tips while the tiff was going on.

          • Barb

            Flaming, do you have a webcam?

          • flamingpdog

            I have a kellicam, but not a webcam.

          • Barb

            Oh, honey bunches of O's, you just went over my head. I have to call Jeffer to ask how to open an e-mail attachment. Would you accept Polariod photos sent by snail mail?

          • flamingpdog

            Ah, Polaroids. The first picture I ever saw of a woman's furry vagina was a Polaroid that a friend of mine slipped me while standing next to his locker in the hallway in junior high school. I about freaked, not because of the pic, but because I was just sure the assistant principal was going to walk up behind me and see me with the pic!

          • AbandonHope

            Wow, that pun was awful and somewhat non-sensical and I totally approve.

            Worf/Martok 2012!

          • flamingpdog

            Yeah, I know, it made absolutely no freaking sense, but whenever someone mentions a word ending in -cam, that really dumb, irritating word from the Star Trek lingua inevitably pops into my head.

          • Barb

            "You're no Newell or Layne" And your dog learned to scoot his ass across the carpet by watching you do it.

          • Texan_Bulldog

            That doesn't make any sense; humans don't do that. Sorry, but who the hell are you to determine who comes & comments on Wonkette?

            If Wonkette doesn't want the opinion of an Army veteran (married to a Disabled Veteran) who is a mom of two elementary-aged kids and is socially progressive & fiscally conservative, they should let me know. I don't give two shits about your opinion and didn't realize you owned Wonkette & deemed who should/should not be here, since I've been here before cankles & Custer wolf. (Old time Wonketteers know what I'm referring to.)

            Previously, the job of the editor/'editrix' of Wonkette was to provide humorous commentary on the daily political news for us to snark about (& get page views). I never recall any of them getting their feelings hurt & telling their commenters to fuck off. I didn't realize we had to massage their egos & tell them how awesome they were. Shit, if saying she says 'editrix' too much flips her out, wait until she hits the real world where people get cut off in traffic, restaurant food gets spit in and the guy/gal doesn't call you back after they say they will.

            I'm still coming here as long as I'm not banned–sorry to spoil your morning coffee.

          • commiegirl

            Good morning, Texan. There was a man who sent me a note begging me to lay off the "editrix" stuff and referring to myself in posts. I thought you were the same guy and still harping on it — and thereby trying to tell me what to do. Since you are not a man, it wasn't you. I do apologize for overreacting. I honestly do.

            I know you deleted a different comment, but I want you to know: I don't have "perfect" children. I have a 17-year-old boy whom I've been raising from the age of 18 months. He was a crack baby. When I got him, he couldn't crawl yet. He's a sweet, dumb kid, he's certainly not going to college, and I have very sincere doubts that he will manage to graduate in June, because he cannot pass the high school exam for the life of him. I worry ALL. THE. TIME.

            And Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to tell you I don't ban people for criticizing me? See, you're still implying I do. Stop it already, christ.

          • Texan_Bulldog

            Good morning to you, CG. No, that wasn't me who emailed you. I just happened to notice you said that fairly often, but I will no longer harangue you about it. I am sincerely sorry that it became an issue.

            There are no words for a person who opens their heart & home to a child in need, esp. knowing that child will have a hard row to hoe in this life. My 7-year-old son is not technically developmentally disabled, but he does march to the beat of his own drum, which of course causes me to worry about his future (but it's nothing compared to your worries).

            I enjoy Wonkette immensely. Living in a deeply red state, I have few Democratic friends. I usually just keep my mouth shut when politics come up. Here, I feel like I have 'friends' who are like-minded and I can share my opinions. It's my guilty pleasure (along with disco music, romance novels and gummy bears).

            Anyway, hope you have a great weekend. Cheers!

          • Bezoar

            I for one appreciate the return to genteel civility on display here. Remember, we must all hang together or we will all hang separately.

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            Also, buttsex, too.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Buttsex libel

          • GreatChristiano

            Wait a minute–you mean we are only supposed to make fun of republicans on here?

            Oh, shit!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            (Hugs you) I'm glad you worked it out, ladies. T_B, I hope you know how much I appreciate you. Things have been crappy all around, and I didn't want to see you go away, and most especially go away feeling unappreciated. But my connection is very slow, and I'm a whole day and a half behind in timezones, so I'm just grateful that you're not leaving. I send you a case of virtual gummy bears.

          • Texan_Bulldog

            Thank you, Frothy. It's all good now! (As far as I'm concerned.)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Sure sounds that way, sweet pretty laydee! I Can Haz A Happeee Now!

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            100% fer realz comment: Transfer him to a private Jeebus school immediately for the last few months of senior year. He can graduate there w/out having to pass the CAHSEE. DO IT NOW!!!! I don't know how to send PMs, but this relates to my day job (yes, I'm actually a gainfully employed liberal elite).

          • Barb

            "Dog, thank you for your service to our country and thank you to your husband.

          • PsycWench

            DAMMIT it's the point in the semester where I can't afford to look at Wonkette hardly at all during the week and I find there is some sort of bitch-slap thing going on and even worse, Texan spoke the name of Custer Wolf…I thought that name was never to be spoken again. The trauma I am experiencing right now…

          • Texan_Bulldog

            Ha ha. Did you notice you can't put the two words together or it won't go through the Wonkette filter? I also lovingly remember the big head of Campbell Brown, the old [ugly] brown format and AngryBlackGuy (hope he's doing well). Good luck with your classes.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            custerwolf

          • Texan_Bulldog

            I tried it but it wouldn't post but my Firefox has been acting wonky. Whew, that chick was something else.

          • Trinket

            Where IS AngryBlackGuy?

            For the record (since I know you all totally give a shit), I like you, Texan_Bulldog. I like you, too, Rebecca Schoenkopf.

            All this infighting makes me almost long for Neilist. Now, THAT guy was an asshole.

          • PsycWench

            Not even a fun and witty asshole. More like that guy who draws Mallard Fillmore or whatever that shrill right-wing comic is.

          • Texan_Bulldog

            Thanks, Trinket. Don't know what happened to ABG. I know a few years ago he posted a diary on DailyKOS about how his mortgage company was screwing him over on his house. I believe he lived in FL. I just hope he wasn't wearing a hoodie & walking down a FL street.

          • Nothingisamiss

            Glad you're here. I'm late to the party, but I've always thought better late than never. As a years long denizen of these parts I appreciate you. (I probably don't always agree with you, but meh, I live in the south and am surrounded by fuckheads. Even in disagreement you're not a fuckhead.)

          • Barb

            Texan_bulldog, I just squandered 15 minutes of my life to post a 10 paragraph response to you and then deleted it.

            Suck it, I said, SUCK IT! Take Dashboard_Jesus and suck it until your empty heads implode.

            I will be back in the morning. I'm hoping for that really hot guy to bring me coffee in the morning, as he usually does.

          • tessiee

            Jeez, I'm away from you guys for one day — ONE DAY!! — with agonizingly painful dental surgery, and you see what happens? I miss a big brawl with everybody else fighting in a big cartoon puff of smoke with stars and fists sticking out of it everywhichways.

            I suppose the life lesson here is DO NOT STEP AWAY FROM THE SNARK.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Hope you are feeling better – did you get some good painkillers?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            I'm tellin' ya. Turn your back on these Wonkrats for ten minnitz and they get up to SUMPN.

            (Hugs you) Hope you're feeling better, kiddo. Just don't take Toradol, that stuff eats your stomach from the inside out.

          • not that Dewey

            In other words, you're not touchy about criticism. Got it.

          • user-of-owls

            Oooh, now you've done it. Don't you get it?? Impolite, non-submissive lickspittles are not welcome here anymore. You see, we might hurt the feelings of the people who are ginning up attacks on Trayvon Martin (he's the violent one!), demanding that women get fucking rape probed by the state and murdering undocumented aliens and their fucking children. Heaven forfend!

            Who could have ever imagined that one day custerwolf would come back and buy this place?

          • not that Dewey

            58-1: Definition of counter-revolutionary activity: "A counter-revolutionary action is any action aimed at overthrowing, undermining or weakening of the power of wonketeers' and commenters' posts… and editors of the Wonket and autonomous associate editors, or at the undermining or weakening of the external security of the Wonket and main economical, political and national achievements of the trucknutz revolution"

            58-1а. Treason: death sentence or 10 years of prison, both cases with property confiscation.

            58-1в. In the case of flight of the offender in treason subject to 58-1б, his relatives were subject to 5–10 years of imprisonment with confiscation or 5 years of Huffington Post exile, depending on the circumstances: either they helped or knew and didn't report or simply lived with the offender.

            58-1г. Non-reporting of a treason: 10 years of imprisonment. Non-reporting by others: offense by Article 58-12.

            58-2. Armed uprising or intervention with the goal to seize the power: up to death with confiscation, including formal recognition as "enemy of wonketeers".

            58-3. Contacts with commenters "with counter-revolutionary purposes" (as defined by 58-1) are subject to Article 58-2.

            58-4. Any kind of help to commenters which, not recognizing the equality of the commenting system, strives to overthrow it: punishment similar to 58-2.

            58-5. Urging any commenter to declaration of blog war, Breitbart intervention, trolling, capture of site property, breaking diplomatic relations, breaking bipartisan treaties, and other aggressive actions against Wonket: similar to 58-2.

            58-6. Espionage. Punishment: similar to 58-2.

            58-7. Undermining of site industry, click-throughs, monetary circulation or advertising system, as well as of cooperative societies and organizations, with counter-revolutionary purpose (as defined by 58-1) by means of the corresponding usage of the site institutions, as well as by opposing their normal functioning: same as 58-2. Note: the offense according to this article was known as wrecking and the offenders were called "wreckers".

            58-8. Terrorist acts against representatives of Wonket power or of wonketeers organizations: same as 58-2.

            58-9. Damage of topic, searchable links, comment replies, up-fisting and other network or site and communal property with counter-revolutionary purpose: same as 58-2.

            58-10. Anti-Wonket and counter-revolutionary propaganda and agitation: at least 6 months of imprisonment. In the conditions of unrest or blogwar: same as 58.2.

            58-11. Any kind of organizational or support actions related to the preparation or execution of the above crimes is equated to the corresponding offenses and prosecuted by the corresponding articles.

            58-12. Non-reporting of a "counter-revolutionary activity": at least 6 months of imprisonment.

            58-13. Active struggle against revolutionary movement of Laynist personnel and members of "counter-revolutionary commenters" during the civil war, same as 58-2.

            58-14 "Counter-revolutionary sabotage", i.e., conscious non-execution or deliberately careless execution of "defined duties", aimed at the weakening of the power of the poop blog and of the functioning of the site apparatus is subject to at least one year of freedom deprivation, and under especially aggravating circumstances, up to the highest measure of social protection: execution by banhammer with confiscation of property.

          • user-of-owls

            First we will kill all the subversives, then we will kill their collaborators, then their sympathizers, then those who remain indifferent, and finally, we will kill the timid.

            Iberico Saint Jean
            Governor of Buenos Aires Province, 1976

          • not that Dewey

            I was wavering between indifferent and timid. YOU KNEW, AND YET YOU SAID NOTHING!

            OT: here's a picture of my kitties. Boo is forcibly bathing Mr. Glitch.

          • user-of-owls

            Boo should run for governor of Virginia where said officeholders are quite fond of forcibly doing unto others despite the lack of consent.

            Yeah, I'm looking at you, Gov. Transvaginal Probe Law.

          • not that Dewey

            The Blue Caps came by today, sniffing around the apartment. They were at yours, too. I don't know whether they found anything.

            I won't say anything. I'll just blink
            – .-. ..- -.-. -.- -. ..- – –..

            over and over again

          • user-of-owls
          • not that Dewey

            Awesome.

            But, no. I meant Los Blue Caps.

          • user-of-owls

            You sure it wasn't these guys?

          • not that Dewey

            Pretty sure it wasn't them. But it could have been these guys.

          • user-of-owls

            If the Queer Guys eyed those goons, they'd be wearing this lickety-split!

          • not that Dewey

            True story: Mrs D threatened to make me watch that show. I said "why? what am I doing wrong?"

            "Everything"

          • user-of-owls

            Great story! But nary a blue cap, hat, chapeau or porkpie to be found.
            Why do you hate blue caps?? And homos??

          • not that Dewey

            Well, I found black caps, blue chins, blue throats, but nary a blue ca….wait! What's this?

          • user-of-owls

            woo hoo! and just one more. Ok, maybe une d'autre.

          • not that Dewey

            Wow. You must be thirsty. Can I get you something to drink?

    • flamingpdog

      I'm not at all sure that Newt is even good for being fertilizer to Mother Earth. You ever seen what happens to the grass in a lawn where a dog has dropped a pile of dog shit?

      • BerkeleyBear

        Yeah, I'm guessing it'll be like how the WH garden couldn't be certified organic because of the toxic sludge the Clinton's put on it.

        • flamingpdog

          Tyson Chicken parts?

    • tessiee

      "the only thing you're good for is being fertilizer to Mother Earth."

      "Hang yourself over a compost pit, using a hemp, NOT NYLON, rope. If you MUST leave a note, write it on bark." — National Lampoon, circa 1972

      • C_R_Eature

        "Ah, yes. The Classics."
        -Spock

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      What are all you guys doing on here? Don't you know, "Horror Express" is on TCM right now? It has Christopher Lee AND Peter Cushing! There is like the Missing Link monster on a train and it strangles you until your eyes start bleeding! I think it can hypnotize you too with it's glowing red eye!

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Oh no, the monster got inside of Telly Savalas' head!

      • dubyatf

        I saw "monster" and "hypnotize you with its glowing red eye" and I thought "Wait a minute! I thought this was a post about Gingrich, not the Anal Cyst poster douche."

        • Angry_Marmot

          Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time…?

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        That sounds almost as good as "Bubba Ho-Tep."

    • Greta_Garbage

      apparently mrs gingrich did not take advantage of her husbands excellent healthcare plan and have an abortion…………

    • DrunkIrishman

      Uh…sorry, guys?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    You had me at "drinking wine and braiding KBJ's hair."

    • Sparky McGruff

      What's spooky is that KBJ isn't there. HOW'D SHE GET HOLD OF ALL THAT HAIR? HENNGGGH?

    • Geminisunmars

      I move that all us Wonketteers have a sleepover with wine and hair braiding!!

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Why not? My back hair could use a saucy new look.

      • Limeylizzie

        That sounds fun and really creepy.

        • Fare la Volpe

          How about wine and hair pulling instead?

          • Limeylizzie

            Cocoa and spanking ?

          • Fare la Volpe

            Slumber party!!

            Incidentally, Coco & Spanking is the name of my new cop drama on CBS.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        Oh, second, second!

    • flamingpdog

      And exactly which hair is Rebecca braiding on a Friday evening? Um, brb!

      • redarmyzombie

        O.o
        Uhhhm…be right back!
        *hurk*

      • Crank_Tango

        pics or GTFO, also!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Let's just leave it at she's a fan of the First Brother-in-law's college team.

    • Dirt_Dog

      Yes, oh pretty please. Ditch the politics and give us more "drinking wine and braiding KBJ's hair" and where it leads.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Former Speaker Gingrich's methods have become…unsound.

    • not that Dewey

      I don't see any method at all, sir.

      • flamingpdog

        All madness, no method.

    • chascates
      • Chichikovovich

        Though it has to be said that Gingrich has totally earned the titles of "Disgraced Former Speaker" and "Only Speaker in the History of the House of Representatives to be Reprimanded and Fined by his Fellow Members of Congress".

        I think it would be petty to deny Gingrich the right to bear those titles proudly wherever he goes.

        • chascates

          If only whenever Gingrich said he was a historian someone would immediately interject "who was denied tenure"!

        • tessiee

          You left out "Cancer Wife Divorcing Serial Adulterer" — or were you limiting your list of his titles to the ways he's disgraced in his professional life, and excluding the titles relating to the ways he's disgraced in his personal life?

          • Chichikovovich

            Yes, I did leave those out. But in my defence, it's hard to keep up with the untold dimensions of Newt's sleaziness. The man truly is the Leonardo Da Vinci of douchebaggery.—

          • Geminisunmars

            A true regagnaissance man, is he?

          • tessiee

            I understand.
            We have only a finite amount of time and energy in this life, and if we started snarking on ALL the reasons why Newt is stomach-turningly scuzzy, we wouldn't even have a chance to BEGIN snarking on all the reasons why Santorum is a repulsive lunatic, Romney is an out-of-touch, dickish autocrat, etc. etc. etc.; and let's face it, that must be done.

        • Serolf_Divad

          I think I like: "Mr. disgraced former speaker." It's how Newt should be addressed from now on.

  • smashedinhat

    The Horror. Indeed.

    PS; What strange and horrible technology allows for this non stop posting? Are stimulants so cheap in your quadrant?

    • Callyson

      I'll have what they're having.

      • flamingpdog

        Rebecca's in LA. Imagine if she were in D.C. on a nice spring night when it's 85 degrees out and the humidity is 179 percent.

    • Pennywhistler

      A keyboard and an a connection to the Internet?

    • Pennywhistler

      Lots of stimulants around here, son:

      Boredom
      Creativity
      Too much sex
      Not enough sex
      Total lack of sex
      Caffeine
      Glenfiddich
      Catnip
      Smart and pretty female rabbis
      Smoked Gouda

      • HippieEsq

        I experience all of those things in a typical shabbat. And I'm Mormon.

        • Pennywhistler

          Yes. Except you Mormons call it the Sabbath, not Shabbat.
          And if you DID call it Shabbat you would capitalize it.

          And Mormons are prohibited from drinking alcohol.
          Even Glenfiddich.

          And are prohibited from drinking coffee.

          And tea.

          And having sex with smart and pretty female rabbis

          • HippieEsq

            Ha! Okay, busted, I'm as Mormon as Moses. But I am trying to get used to the phrase "I'm a Mormon" for the inevitable post-humous Mormon Baptism.

            And I'll send my auto-correct back to Hebrew school.

          • Pennywhistler

            Isn't post-humous the part where you watch 'em grow?

          • HippieEsq

            I'm not sure. But I can't afford to send my iPhone to Hebrew School AND the Grammar/Spelling Academy and I've already used the P section of my dictionary to roll joints.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    "But how can a black man be in charge of the Executive Branch when the Justice Department is investigating a possible hate crime against a black boy?"

    This makes absolutely zero sense; does this mean any of the other 43 white presidents & their white AGs shouldn't have investigated any crimes against white people? Oh my lord!

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Newt's thinking to hisself "If only I was black, I would be president"

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Or have a bigger dick.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Fucking Goetz.

      • Biff

        You misspelled "goatse".

    • Chichikovovich

      "…and I wouldn't have to give women diamonds to have sex with me."

      • GreatChristiano

        Ya know, why would a woman even wanna flash diamonds?

        We know what she did to get 'em…

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Yes, but president of Newtuganda.

  • eldswede

    Somebody please alert Newt that the pigeons are waiting for him by the park bench. They're hungry and want to be fed. Also to hear him tell his stories of his grandeur.

    • miss_grundy

      I guess the squirrels would just mug him for whatever food he had and run away as soon as he started talking his garbage.

    • Inchhigh

      Right. Like Newticles would share with those goddamn lazy-ass welfare-sucking pigeons. Go get a job sweeping floors and cleaning toilets, ya scrounging malingerers.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Are they gonna say that he was a kind man? Fuck no, man!

    • GuanoFaucet

      Damn you.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Well, yours is the more complete and accurate quote. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.

    • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

      One through nine, no maybes, no supposes, no fractions. You can't travel in space, you can't go out into space, you know, without, like, you know, uh, with fractions, okay? What are you going to land on – one-quarter, three-eighths? You can't build a moon base on a fraction, man.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Just "a kinda man.

    • Pennywhistler

      I thought "fuck no man" was sort of his motto.

  • GuanoFaucet

    What are they gonna say about Newt? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Hey, man, you don't talk to the Speaker. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? …. I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's… he's a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of Moonbase Alpha, man…

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        I watched Callista crawl along the edge of a straight razor. Crawling, slithering, pearling its neck, forking its tongue along the edge of a straight razor– and surviving.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Oh man… the bullshit piled up so fast around Newt, you needed wings to stay above it.

    • noodlesalad

      I love the smell of race baiting in the morning. You know, one time we had a primary for, like, 12 months. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' independent voter who still bought our shit. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like…Gingrich.

    • tessiee

      "What are they gonna say about Newt?"

      That he's the pig boat who cheated on, and then dumped, two successive sick wives (to date, anyway).

      • Greta_Garbage

        just curious; who's pecker was newt using to have sexual relations with? oh, i apologize he does have a pecker, he just does not have any balls or does he have the balls and no bat to swing with…….

    • swordfis

      I suspect that they're going to be saying pretty much what we're saying.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    If President Obama had encouraged an ethic of work instead of a culture of dependence, Trayvon Martin could be alive today, happily mopping the halls of his high school.

  • ingloriousbytch

    How do I put this? Let me think…oh yeah

    FUCK YOU, GINGRICH!

    • Serolf_Divad

      A pithy comment, yet indubitably apposite.

      • GreatChristiano

        A true scholar–how wonderful of you to point out the appositive in the sentence.

        Well played!

  • straighteight

    SEAN HANNITY EXCLUSIVE: HUMANOID SACK OF MIRACLE WHIP DECRIES PRESIDENT'S REMARKS ON TRAYVON MARTIN, DECLARES HIMSELF OF NO RACE BUT 'DELICIOUS.'

    • tessiee

      "HUMANOID SACK OF MIRACLE WHIP"

      Perfect.
      Mayonnaise is just bland and boring; but Miracle Whip is bland and boring, yet somehow manages to also be evil.

    • tessiee

      Also, your comment should be read aloud in a "Kang and Kodos" voice.

  • jaytingle

    It appears Mitt has only one choice for Veep.

    • RadioStalingrad

      Rubio?

      • mannacler

        Marco?

        • Negropolis

          Polo!

    • Geminisunmars

      Lieberman?

    • flamingpdog

      Zombie Jefferson Davis?

      • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        Got kilt by Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      G. Gordon Liddy?

    • Grief_Lessons

      Ted Nugent?

    • bikerlaureate

      Allen West?

    • redarmyzombie

      Herman Cain?

    • Negropolis

      The re-animated corpse of Ronald Reagan?

      • dubyatf

        If that corpse could have been reanimated don't you think they would have done it while he was in office? Come on, Negro, THINK.

    • Nostrildamus

      A dual-core mirroring server?

      • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

        You mean "Mitt"? He can't be his own running mate.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      The Etch a Sketch 2012?

      • flamingpdog

        Ineligible. No longer born in the USA.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Dick Cheney?

    • Greta_Garbage

      tina fey (he couldnt get sarah palin…..)

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    "Trying to turn it [slavery] into a racial issue is fundamentally wrong. I really find it appalling.” — Stephen Douglas, debating Lincoln.

    • V572 Flambé

      Exactly. Just like insurance-paid contraception is a religious freedom issue. Some people just don't get it.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Charging Newt with racist dog whistles in this primary was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.

  • Callyson

    “Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK"
    No, you fucking moron, the president is suggesting that had Trayvon been white he would NOT have BEEN shot in the first place!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Hey, man, you don't talk to the Newt. You listen to him. The man's shrunk my mind. He's a fat blimp in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'ho' is the middle word in whore? If you can keep getting head when all about you are getting none and blaming it on you, if you can steal for yourself when all humans aren't looking you"… I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little weasel, I'm a little weasel, he's… he's a really fat delusional sack of shit pretending he's a man! He should have been a pile of whale shit sinking down to floors of silent seas…

    • ShaveTheTemps

      That's beautiful, man.

    • cheetojeebus

      ftw, man, FTW

    • schvitzatura

      Would saying, "with extreme prejudice", in reference to Newticle be exceeding the recently established allowable threshold level of "schoenkopffreude"?

      • AbandonHope

        My understanding of the rules is "no credible threats". Wishing for something, as far as I know, is acceptable, provided you aren't inciting somebody to do something.

        I could be wrong, but that's how I read it.

        • GreatChristiano

          Banana bread is best without the nuts.

      • dubyatf

        Schoenkopffreude!

  • noodlesalad

    Lynching is a color-blind crime that just happens to consistently happen to black men, and to suggest otherwise is to engage in Commie Nazi Reverse Racism, AMIRIGHT??!?!?111!!??

  • Callyson

    "Trying to deny it is a racial issue is fundamentally wrong. I really find it appalling.”
    /fixed
    …oh right, there *is* no fixing what comes out of Gingrinch's mouth…

  • angerbear

    Newt cares about all Americans. Except the frumpy chicks. And the ones with cancer. They can just fuck off and die alone.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    …drinking wine, sitting on the couch, and braiding Kirsten Boyd Johnson’s hair, and this little bit of happiness and rainbows and unicorns and magic flitted across our… field of vision…

    So just another Friday night of shooting speedballs?

    I am missing the point though, aren't I. Let's see here…

  • BlueStateLibel

    "Some of my best friends own Hoodie companies" – Mitt Rmoney. (Disclosure: I wore a hoodie to the 7-11 this morning. True fact.)

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Step away from the Skittles™.

    • Biff

      One local mini-mart has a sign prohibiting "students" from wearing hoodies. Or helmets.
      Hengh?

      • flamingpdog

        Or pants down around their ankles?

      • tessiee

        So, Callista's hair helmet is out, then?

    • Isyaignert

      Fuk, I wear one every day and I'm an old white hippie chick.

      • dubyatf

        Me too. Only I'ms is a hoodie- wearing old dipshit.

      • Biff

        But from the back we all look like Trayvon, and therefore guilty of something.

      • tessiee

        I have a hoodie, but it's pink.
        I think I'm doin it rong.

  • V572 Flambé

    It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American.

    However, it's not hard to think, even under the new Wonkette outrage-austerity guidelines, of one instance in which a cold-blooded shooting would not have been a tragedy.

    • Veritas78

      Oh, I can think of some.

      Unless I got your double negative wrong. Which I probably did!

      • V572 Flambé

        You are not un-wrong!

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    The assholery is beyond measure.

    • Nostrildamus

      is Newt's greatest pleasure.

      • tessiee

        There once was a piglet named Newt
        Who needed a punch in the snoot;
        Assholery beyond measure
        Was his second-greatest pleasure;
        I say we should give him the boot.

    • dubyatf

      And all the world's yardsticks just heaved a collective sigh of relief.

    • bagofmice

      So it's a bit goatse?

  • Beetagger

    I'll bet Calista has a lady-boner right now.

    • Barrelhse

      She sure as hell would if she were braiding Kirsten's hair!

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Yes, sewed up in a bag of skin, along with a heart and two kidneys.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      That thing must be sharp as fuck.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Her elephant proboscis.

    • tessiee

      It would certainly be the first time.

    • dubyatf

      Which no doubt puts Newt's to shame.

  • rocktonsam

    this proves just how big Newt's brain really is.

    • Greta_Garbage

      newt's brain is the size of a pea rolling down a 4 lane highway…………

  • spends2much

    Seriously, who do we talk to about getting a new country off the ground? I don't even care where anymore, just a place where there are no people like Newt Gingrich.

    • jodyleek

      I hear there's some room on the moon!

      • Negropolis

        One of these days, Alice…

  • RadioStalingrad

    Yes, but Newt is the smartest, non-elite, country professor in the clown car. He could debate Obama in 21 X 3 hour Lincoln-Douglass style debates. And $2.50 per gallon gas — as guaranteed as Callista's hair helmet. Free Markets.

    • Biff

      I would like to conduct the Snell testing on that helmet.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      We could probably fuel the entire country with the hairspray fumes.

      • RadioStalingrad

        Hence, $2.49.9 gas.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    "Never get out of the Moonbase." Absolutely goddamn right! Unless you were goin' all the way… Newt went out the airlock. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

  • Barb

    Fuck you, Newt and the whore you rode in on.

    • AbandonHope

      Which one?

      • HippieEsq

        The one with the vagina tiny enough to make Newt look and feel adolescent.

      • Loaded_Pants

        The Whore of Babble-On.

  • Swampgas_Man

    The whore, the whore.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      "Whore! The whore has a face, and you must make a friend of whores. Whores and moral terror are your friends"

      • RadioStalingrad

        ♪ ♫ This is the end, my only friend, the end ♪ ♫

        • Biff

          That could've been me, but I don't awake before dawn anymore.

          • flamingpdog

            ♫ I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer. ♫

          • Biff

            ♫The future's uncertain and the end is always near…♫

          • tessiee

            Let it roll, Baby, roll,
            *shimmies*
            Let it roll, Baby, roll,
            *pumps fist*
            Let it roll, Baby, roll,
            Roll, all night long!
            *dances with booty higher than head*

    • dadanarchist

      Beat me to it.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      You win the evening.

    • Negropolis

      It burns; it burns!

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Damn. I just now read that you beat me by three hours.

      But I'm not taking mine down. Too lazy. good work, SGM

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Newton: [voiceover] Callista… shit; I'm still only in Callista… Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the 28 year old staffer.
    Newton: When I was home after my first marriage, it was worse.
    [grabs at Crispy Creme doughnut]
    Newton: I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said "yes" to a divorce as she was sick with MS. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into Callista. I'm here a week now… waiting for a election… getting softer. Every minute I remain in the primary, I get weaker, and every minute Mittens stumbles in the trail, he gets weaker too while Barry laughs at us. Each time I looked around my belly just got a little bigger.

    • Dirt_Dog

      You are on a roll on this topic — I thought your previous post was amazing and this topped it. It would be nicer if I wasn't getting a creepy sense that you're way too inside Newt's head.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Agreed. Thumbs-aplenty for this. Made me laugh & I needed it!

      • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        It's not like Newticle is a deep thinker.

        To think like Newt:
        1) Who do I have pander to?
        2) What's in it for me?
        3) Seriously, what's in it for me?
        4) She's cute.
        5) I'm sooooooh smurt. The smurtest man in the GOP!!!!

        • tessiee

          6) If Mitt stole my hair product again, I'm gonna punch his face in. MY hair is way more Presidentialer than his hair!

    • Soylent Green

      Perfect 'Bad Lip Reading' script!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    There he goes channeling Pat Buchanan's ghost again.

    Whataya mean Pat's not deal yet???

    • Nostrildamus

      I refuse to believe Pat could get any whiter.

  • memzilla

    I really want to see the black box with the pretzel algorithm that Newt uses to bend what you and I perceive as normal reality into the twisted racist fap-mongering talking points that come out of his pie hole. Then I want to know who the enabler is who convinces Newt that it will sell.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    I know, Newt. Empathy is so distasteful. At least we never have to worry about you suffering from it.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Newt don't empathize!

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    I felt like Newt was up there, waiting for me to take the pain away. He just wanted to go out like a statesman, standing up, not like some poor, wasted, rag-assed renegade. Even the right wing base wanted his campaign dead, and that's who he really took his orders from anyway. But it was too late to be a statesman.

  • memzilla

    Well, I guess all we need to do now is paint the President's Marine One helicopter black, paint the UN logo on the side, and fly it over Newt's hometown of Racefap Corners, Georgia.

    Not that I'm actively wishing for a cardiac infarction, mind you — I'm just saying it would be an interesting aviation experiment.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      In line with the new regime, I certainly hope that New Gingrich does not experience an inoperable explosive external hemorrhoid attack or suffer a disabling skullfucking by a rhinoceros.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    All he is saying is that if he were President, he would unite the country around the innocence of George Zimmerman, not Treyvon Martin.

    Why is that so hard for you stinking liberals to understand.

    It is really appalling, and I am fundamentally wrong. Oops, I mean disgraceful. The President, not me.

    (Aw shit.)

    • RadioStalingrad

      Newt would never apologize, or be contrite, that would show weakness. And we all know this president is morally weak; he's in over his head. He's a disaster. The worst president in our history. A race pimp who listens to the New Black Panthers and is behind the dirty hippies of the Occupy Movement. Newt is for paychecks, not food stamps — and don't even get him started on teleprompterz or $2.49.9 gasoline.

      • Chichikovovich

        Absolutely right! Weak and over his head. And furthermore, he is a Chicago thug gangster committed Alinskyite politician who has in three short years ruthlessly imposed Marxist Socialism on God's blessed America, and unless he is stopped this November his complete government takeover of health care, the auto industry and american banking will be irreversible.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          You do realize you're violating somebody's copyyright here? And possibly a patent on a "Method of inducing outrage among brain-damaged wingnuts" as well.

      • tessiee

        "And we all know this president is morally weak; he's in over his head."

        Yet somehow, without ever ceasing to be a strongarm supervillain who controls everyTHING and everyBODY, all the time.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Even a shark couldn't swallow that chum, could he, chum?

  • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

    You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of–fuck it. Go fuck yourself, asshole.

    • swordfis

      When I was a young kid we listened to the Army/McCarthy hearings on the radio (everybody booed when Nixon's name was mentioned). My family was investigated by the FBI and we knew many witch hunt victims. But I have to say that Newt is even lower than McCarthy and Nixon: Soviet Communism was an actual. potential threat, so those fascists at least had a real-world topic. But Newt doesn't even have a rational excuse; he will do or say anything to get elected, and doesn't even understand how hateful he is to pretty much everyone. However, he could be elected president of the CSA.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    As for the charges against Newt, he is unconcerned. He is beyond our timid lying morality, and so he is beyond caring.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Zaranewtstra

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Thus spake.

        • Biff

          Also.

  • bumfug

    How to tell if there's really a God: If Newt Gingrich slips and falls on wet shit and gets eaten by pigs, then maybe.

    • Negropolis

      …and gets eaten by pigs.

      That would be so incredibly fitting.

      • C_R_Eature

        That would be a Good Start.

      • dubyatf

        That would be so incredibly filling.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Oh, now, what have pigs *ever* done to you to deserve such a fate?

    • Biff

      Per the title of this post we know that gnewt is a cannibal, but are swine also?

  • Tundra Grifter

    First they came for the fat, stupid, arrogant right wing nutz running for President in 2012 like it was 1859.

    And I said nothing.

    Except "Good fuckin' riddance!"

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I dont' know if he's seen the cards and is pre-auditioning for a future role on Fox News, but it's obvious this pander-master, drunk on his own smugness, has never had genuine interaction — apart from political roundups or speaking engagement fly-by words exchanged or introductions that couldn't be avoided — with a person of color in his life.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Didn't he already have that job?

      Oh, wait, I see…he wants a bigger contract this time.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      "[…] with a person of color in his life.

      FIFY, NNTT

  • Guppy

    What exactly is the tragedy, Newt? That a boy got in the way of those entirely justified bullets?

  • docterry6973

    Braiding Kirsten's hair? French braid? Tight against the back of her…I'm off-topic, aren't I.

  • dadanarchist

    Gingrich did write his dissertation on the Congo. He found Kurtz's methods sound, based on solid conservative principles of cannibalism and heads-on-stakes. Incentivizes the labor force.

    • RadioStalingrad

      The Conrad, Congo, apoColypse Now trilogy of interconnecting, zig-zag lines is now complete.
      And also, too, it's as if our man Manchu wrote this:
      but Gingrich's doctoral dissertation? What is that about? Well, I have had some unkind things to say about Newt on this blog — about his pompous, self-inflating bloviating, his appallingly inappropriate self-satisfaction, the sheer vacuity of his utterances. All by himself, he has given self-esteem a bad name.

      • dadanarchist

        All by himself, he has given self-esteem a bad name.

        That would be a wonderful epitaph to Newt's career.

        • Greta_Garbage

          All by himself, he has given white men over the age of 50 with hair a bad name……

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Is that you, "incitebytes"?

    • swordfis

      He IS a fucking cannibal.

  • Barrelhse

    Lame cunts on motorbikes!!

  • BarackMyWorld

    The Newt Cocktail
    -Take one quote out of context, carefully dropping any resemblance to its original meaning.
    -Add new, entirely different, nefarious meaning.
    -Mix in indignation and resentment.
    -Sprinkle with modifiers: "fundamentally," "extreme," "elite," or "disgraceful" as necessary.
    -Add hypothetical reverse-race situation.
    -Attack the media.
    -Serve boiling hot and enjoy.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      -Garnish with a sneer or smug smirk.

      • Nostrildamus

        -Goes well with tripe.

    • RadioStalingrad

      An Ipecac Martini.

  • One_who_wanders

    I was wrong there is no bottom of the barrel they can go all the way to hades.

    • ShaveTheTemps

      It's salamanders all the way down.

  • bumfug

    What a coincidence – I too am sitting on the couch drinking wine; Kirsten's hair unfortunately nowhere near Pico & La Cienega.

    • Geminisunmars

      Look over by Fountain and Gower.

    • Negropolis

      LA is a beautiful mess of a city that's finally getting better with age.

      • flamingpdog

        cops in cars, the topless bars …

        • C_R_Eature

          Motel Money Murder Madness…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            200 of 'em.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Many years ago my two closest friends lived around Pico and La Cienega. I drank many a mango shake at Versailles back in the day.

      • bumfug

        Versailles is about 2 blocks from my place, what a great little restaurant. Crappy looking storefront, wonderful food and delicious Mojitos. Right up the street is the Mint, where I went to see Hugh Laurie perform his New Orleans blues album and was treated to an unbilled appearance (in a maybe 200 limit club) by Tom Jones blowing the roof off singing Great Balls of Fire. I love this area.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Skull fuck with extreme prejudice.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Notice how all of Newt's indignation fantasies lately seem to involve changing people's races? What's up with that?

    Newt Gingrich has the racial sensitivity of a white character from "Roots."

    • tessiee

      And more than a few of the same ancestors.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    There have been times when I thought that The Newt was a random word generator behaving sort-of humanoid. Now I know that he is an uncaring, unthinking, totally-without-empathy, dumbfuck word generator who evidences not one tiny bit of humanity. I guess that's what makes him a Republican.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Or a Reptilian. The same, really.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Here we were, drinking wine, sitting on the couch, and braiding Kirsten Boyd Johnson’s hair, and this little bit of happiness and rainbows and unicorns and magic flitted across our (somewhat impaired) field of vision…

    Bow chicka wow wow…

  • KBoydJohnson

    Actually, Pico and La Cienaga isn't that far away.

    • Biff

      Perhaps closer to Pico and Sepulveda?

      • flamingpdog

        Now I get to spend another 1:29 wondering why I watched all 1:29 of that.

        • Biff

          Even I didn't watch it, jesus christ!

          • flamingpdog

            Hey, we've got the same p-ness!

            um, never mind.

          • Biff

            I was hit pretty hard on fistalnacht, lucky I even survived.

    • bumfug

      Let's preserve the mystery for now – if I ever decide to get back onstage instead of just tweeting jokes for my old friends to steal, I'll comp you.

    • Steverino247

      Next time I'm up in L.A., I'll buy you a hot dog at Pink's.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      There's my nimble-fingered sweetheart of the writey-writey variety! Smoochies, babes? OK, how about MOAR articles in the inimitable KBJ style? I'll settle, dudina, I'll settle.

  • Captain_Klutz

    "That’s just nonsense dividing this country up" ???!!!????

    JHC! This Newon is a walking, talking piece of shit — "nonsense" . . . "dividing this country up." — Newt your underpants are too tight, they've cut off the oxygen in your brain, you divisive giant sack of feces . . .

    • tessiee

      At least you've got the location of his brain right.

  • Mahousu

    I do not want Newt to drop out of the Republican race. Why? Because I want to see him keep on losing. Over and over and over again. I'd like to see him lose 47 states. Actually, I'd like to see him lose 57 states.

    This isn't vindictiveness, really. I just think he's one of the worst losers in primary history. So he obviously needs a lot more practice at it.

    • Negropolis

      I do to. I want him to get through ever single contest, and then on the very last one, come to the realization of how horrible a human being he is. I know that's not going to happen, but a guy can wish, can't he?

      You know, he has claimed — and very early on the media kind of believed it — that his time out of office, his switch to Catholicism, and his marriage to Callista had softened this man, and that he'd been born anew. He can no more change his character than a leopard can its spots.

      • RadioStalingrad

        Sociopaths don't give a shit.

  • C_R_Eature

    Goddammit, Rebecca, I was just starting to calm down and now this! You are bound and determined to piss me off tonight, aren't you?

    It's not enough that Newt Gingrich seemed to not only remain gainfully employed after the disastrous ideologically – fueled episode as Speaker of the House where he singlehandedly destroyed all the comity in the US Congress, almost brought the country's financial system to grief by petulantly allowing the government to shut down and then allowing the political hit job Impeachment of a sitting President for no good reason at all, tying up almost all of the attention and resources of the mightiest nation in the world and – one could argue – provide a critical distraction from the growing threat that Al-Quida presented to us (goddammit another run-on sentence goddammit)

    NO,it's not enough that he somehow convinces Rubes to throw him money because he fucked up a very important job at some point and talks a remarkable raft of bullshit. No.

    NOW..Now…He rises up into the national consciousness again, like a rotting bloated corpse bobbing up out of a fetid marsh , by Running for President of the United States of America!
    The sheer unmitigated gall and ridiculously blind self-important ambition of such a move – I barely have enough hideously offensive words in the English Language to describe this.

    Now, this disgusting sack of greed, selfishness and treachery is all over my News, every single day, with his vile corrosive fact-free Screeds and he will not go away! Gingrich, that awful money-sucking attention whore is soaking up valuable time and airwaves with his worthless, self-aggrandizing nonsense, yet again and I wonder just what critical crises we're being distracted from this time?
    Eventually, I know we will find out. And it will be extremely bad.

    For this singular reason, if no other, Gingrich's Enabler Sheldon Adelson must be consigned to the uttermost pits of the Hell I just don't believe in – but sometimes would be a very convenient thing, indeed.

    If there was a God, and Justice and Hell, then Newton Leroy Gingrich would be immediately struck Dumb, then contract an excruciatingly horrible condition where he would turn himself inside out over a period of a decade. Then die, in anonymous shame, and horror.

    His remains would be scraped into a bucket and thrown into the bottom of a contaminated secure toxic sludge landfill, where the world can forget and he can disgust and appall us no more.

    • Geminisunmars

      Good thing you didn't mention any of that skullfucking stuff.

      • C_R_Eature

        Fuck! i forgot Skullfucking! That's because I'm so FURIOUS! See what you're done Gingrich! You horrible Pigfucker!! Begone, Foul Shade of Greed and Failure!! AAAEEERRRRRRRHGHGHGHGH!!!!!

        • Limeylizzie

          I love you when you're angry.

          • C_R_Eature

            You're funny. Most people back away when I get like this.

            I'm re-reading this 19 hours out and what strikes me is that :
            * I was really on a tear last night. Newt really gets to me, like a Siamese Fighting Fish or something.
            * That is exactly what I sound like when I get really pissed off. It's just funny to go back and see it in print.

          • Limeylizzie

            You were fucking magnificent, my man!

          • C_R_Eature

            I am truly Honored. Thank you.

            This place brings these kinds of things out in me. Perhaps it's the company, Eh?

    • JohnnyQuick

      All things considered, a pretty moderate response.

      To cheer you up, just think about how Gingrich represents the Repukes as they really are, to the horror of the rest of the world and the occasionally sane residents of the USA.

      He doesn't even have the Aw shucks bonhomie of drunk 'ol W. He's like George Wallace sticking Quato-like from the gut of Himmler.

      • C_R_Eature

        Thanks, I needed that.

        I normally have a high threshold for generalized Republican bullshittery, but Gingrich really trips my trigger (obviously).

        Rightly or wrongly, he exemplifies to me the exact point where the country began to go so terribly off track in to today's Madness. I know that having him slithering around the media can do nothing but damage the last tattered vestiges of the Conservative Movement, but having to deal with him day after day after bloody enraging worthless day is beginning to be physically painful to me.

        It's a good thing that I've got a place to Rant, Eh? Thanks again

        • JohnnyQuick

          No prob. You helped me out too, in that I was about to probably lose my just-gained-posting-privileges by posting something far more crude than what you did. But seeing that other people had the proper amount of anger helped calm me down.

          I also am thinking about how this particular Gingrich shit becomes such a distraction from the NRA and ALEC pushing this law and fat J. Bush signing it. It's gotta be on purpose, right?

          • C_R_Eature

            It's actually pretty fun to work out on a finely tuned Rant here. You'll get the hang of it.

            I think you've got the R's dead to rights. It's ALL distraction because they're working on a Full-Court press with as much radical legislation as they can before the Electoral Hammer comes down.

            They can read the statistical demographic trends as well as us and they know that they're baseline voter is on their way out. If they don't win everything they can they can't set the society in stone for the next 40 years like they want to.
            Our job is to stop them. This coming November. So go Vote.

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          How did you manage to post THAT WORD?

          • C_R_Eature

            Yeah, that was weird last night. I wrote that up, hit "Submit" and it was immediately whisked off to the Naughty Room. I had no idea why, at the time.

            I couldn't face the shame of a Deleted by the Admin.. post, so I deleted that and retyped the first sentence. Went back and the original was back and the later one too! So I deleted the one-sentence one and let the older post ride.

            I'm working under the assumption now that Our Beneficent Overlords closely examine posts that end up in the Naughty Room for Thoughtcrime and,if they pass, are re-posted.

      • tessiee

        "He's like George Wallace sticking Quato-like from the gut of Himmler."

        Now you reminded me of that movie "Basket Case".

        • Chichikovovich

          Newt does kind of look like Belial from that movie. Except more repulsive-looking of course.

          Maybe once Newt is finally bumped from the running, he can take the starring role in the sequel: Shipping Container Case: Belial's Been Eating!

    • flamingpdog

      Sounds like someone needs a hug from Frothy.

      Our Frothy, not teh one running for Preznit.

      • C_R_Eature

        That's a good idea (not the other Frothy – that would be like hugging a mainmast).

        Actually, The Rant has helped. Somehow it's good to see all the evil manifested in Gingrich out in print.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          (Hugs the poor, tired, ranted-out CREature)

      • redarmyzombie

        I think today, we could ALL use a hug from Frothy…

        • C_R_Eature

          No doubt.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          (Hugs teh redarmyzombie)

          Dood, I'm hugging as fast as I can …

      • RadioStalingrad

        Hello, Outback. i hope she didn't get spit on by one of those snakes.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

          Dood, leave my balls alone.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        (Hugs that hairy li'l rodent)

        • dubyatf

          LOL.
          That was funny, the way you mentioned yer balls and hairy lil rodent in such close proximity.
          I've always thought of balls as belonging to the Marsupial family. Pocket pool and all that.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Ai-yiii!

            There's lots of possums here. Cute little things that live high up in the trees. I can see them carrying one's (stolen) balls around in their little marsupial pouches.

          • C_R_Eature

            " A Possum Stole My Balls!

            "Watch the hilarity as our plucky group of contestants search the treetops for the one Opossum that has stolen all of their Balls."

            New Reality TV series from Australia.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      He's not in it to win it. Look at his campaign. Totally on the cheap. Got no real resources or even a decent campaign team (or what passes for one in the GOP these days.)

      I think he's doing it to keep himself relevant to keep rolling in the wingnut welfare. Instead of former disgraced house speaker, he'll be known as former preznit candidate Newtie Toot much like that loser from Alaska. However, I think he's forgot that the Super PACs have changed things since 2008 and are about cutting out the middlemen like Newtie Toot and shovel money directly to the important people… not a clapped out diamond whore like him.

      He's doesn't realize that no one gives a shit about a loser. They want guys with access, guys who can be elected.

      The one thing that a guy like Newtie Toot craves is power and access. It's not going to happen after this election as he's alienated a lot of the very people he needs thanks to his attacks on the Rombot. The one thing Cons don't do well is forgive anyone who "aids" the enemy. He's even more unlikeable than before the primary because he's a big sore loser.

      He might be rich at the end of this, but he loves power more. He'll probably find himself more isolated and impotent at the end. A joke to the other side and loathsome piece of shit to his own. That will probably hurt him way more than being poor.

      • C_R_Eature

        That's an excellent analysis MC. I've been bouncing back and forth between the Oh he's only in it for the money and Holy shit he's really serious about this poles. Sometimes daily.

        I think you're right. He's managed to shit in every nest he's wormed his way into over the years and this it the last desperate leap for the Gold Ring. At he very least he'll be able to write a terrible, immediately-remaindered book and go on the bloated fee Speaker Circuit.

        He doesn't realize, too, that he's dramatically overexposed himself to the American public who'll be only too happy to see him go into that Good Night.

        I don't think it's just me.

        • Geminisunmars

          He'll end up roaming the streets of some gated community looking for some hoodied kid to "confront".

          • C_R_Eature

            I'm having a hard time visualizing that, unless it's in a Hoverround or remotely-operating a tracked Robot.
            There's that Laziness factor.

        • Swampgas_Man

          One apparent reason for Newtie Tootie staying in the race is his apparent Haaaaaate for Romney. Seriously, it's like Mitts stole his lunch money when they were kids and the Toad just never got over it.

          • Biff

            Also, Sheldon Adelson. He is obviously a betting man, considering his occupation. As soon as he seriously considers the lay of his hand, he'll fold it, draw Mittens from the stack and make him dance for awhile.

      • Bezoar

        Right on, but to me the really salient feature of Newt G is his manifest pathological narcissism. Seriously, he is the real thing, the absolute poster child.

    • RadioStalingrad

      C_R_E, I don't want your blood pressure to bust a manometer, but, to me, the worst thing this amphibious monster ever did was allow Phil Gramm, et. al. to let Gramm-Leach-Bliley and the Security Modernization Acts to germinate. Because of the new rules I cannot express my full contempt.

      • C_R_Eature

        Don't worry, that 's all figured into my manometer reading. That enrages me but what really gets me (just because) is his disbanding of the congressional Office of Technology Assessment and replacing it with wingnut welfare think-tank screeds and Corporate hired bullshit and the deliberate severing of any ties at all between the two major parties in Congress. He's the root of the combative, poisonous and paralytic tribal politics we see now in the legislative branch

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Whew, ease up, Bubba. Here's a glass of wine. The line to braid KBJ's hair is over to the left.

      • C_R_Eature

        Wine! *slurp!* Aaaahhhh…that's good. Thanks! Where's my number?

        • Geminisunmars

          You're number one with me! (And I have long, braidable hair too. Probably alot more silvery than KBJ's, but still braidable.)

          • C_R_Eature

            Well, hey! and Thanks! you're moved up to number one too.
            I'll dig out the ol' Ashley's book of Knots & practice up on my sadly-neglected braiding technique.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Son, you sure have a way with words.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Newt doesn't have the power to distract the entire government from some imminent crisis just by running for President. For one thing, he is not in the government. For another, the current President knows how to do his job, and helpfully reminded us that he would be able to focus on more than one thing at a time back in 2008. And most importantly, nobody is voting for slimy fuck Newt.

      The best punishment for any of these idiots would be for the public to turn on their ideology and recognize it for what it is. That would be more delicious to me than any torture-porn rant.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I think RS and KBJ also ordered pizza.

    • Guppy

      Probably some goat cheese abomination.

  • http://wonkette.com Chill-A-Sketch

    Newt's grave epitaph will read: "Here lies the body of an asshole."

    • Geminisunmars

      Or "Here lies an asshole with an asshole."

    • Angry_Marmot

      "Here lies an asshole and the body that blew air through it.".

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Here lies an enormous head; body would not fit.

    • Biff

      I really hope he's incinerated, rather than buried. Unless it's soon, I mean. Like before the next primaries, OK?

      • flamingpdog

        I vote for roadkill. And then the highway maintenance crew can just drag him off into the bushes where people passing by don't have to watch him balloon up, split and deflate, and dry up under the summer sun.

    • C_R_Eature

      "Here Lies nothing Important at all. Please move on."

      or, better yet:

      Hazardous Waste Site. Do Not Enter

    • Nostrildamus

      Actually there's a sign like that on his headboard.

    • ShaveTheTemps

      "Here lies one whose name was writ in piss."

      • Chichikovovich

        Keats for the win.

    • Steverino247

      Here Lies Newt Gingrich

      • Geminisunmars

        Here lies lying Newt Gingrich

  • coolhandnuke

    Newt Gingrich is what an educated racist sounds like to uneducated racists.

  • Geminisunmars

    You write that as though Newtie had a shred of humanity or decency left.

    • Biff

      Or ever.

  • flamingpdog

    “We have got to get beyond any sense of some American group being the other,” Gingrich said.

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! Newt, you should do tag-team stand-up with Andrew Dice Clay. You'll have them Holy Rolling in the aisles!

    Shithead.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I hate it when black presidents suggest it would be OK for white kids to get shot to death.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    If I ever get it in trouble (hahaha, like that would happen) I hope I get a White Judge (wink wink)

    • George Spelvin

      Just tell 'em the unions set you up. Home free.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Don't forget to cry through the trial.

      WUT? It worked for that Randy Bedhopper dood.

  • Veritas78

    When things go wrong to an American, it is sad for all Americans.

    The fat philandering fuck might consider that this is ostensibly the entire point of the Democratic Party, and the bane of every Republican.

  • chascates

    Gingrich earned his M.A. and Ph.D. from Tulane University. It's time they asked for the return of both of them.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Master's of Assholery and Philosophia Dickishia.

      Elite cocksucker.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Don't forget "snob" (as in, "What a snob.")

  • Negropolis

    Yes, turning an issue in which a kid was shot because of his race into a "race issue" is truly appalling.

    If you could see how far back my eyes are rolling into my head, you'd call a priest.

    There has got to be some kind of meme that we can come up with for when a Republican projects racism just because race is brought up. There has to be some way to salvage this abomination that is conservative thought on race.

    • redarmyzombie

      At the rate these goons are shredding all sense of decency, I wouldn't blame you if you projectile-vomited through my monitor.

    • C_R_Eature

      How about the "Triple Reverse Gingrich" move?

    • dubyatf

      Hitler?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Oi, that's MY line.

        • dubyatf

          Sorry for the trespass, Frothy. I'm new around these parts. I promise it won't happen again.
          Of course, seeing's how I'm in the early stages of menopausal dementia, I wouldn't advise you to take that promise to the bank.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    Crocodile tears from an amphibian.

  • redarmyzombie

    You know, say what you will about Obama, but at least he gives a sense of intellectualism, sincerity, and grace whenever he speaks, even when he does make a mistake.

    Gingrich has all the charisma and likeability of a bucket full of santorum.

    • Nostrildamus

      a lamprey infested bucket of santorum.

      Fixed.

      • redarmyzombie

        Why thank you, Nostildamus. I just KNEW there was somethin' missing in that there statement!

        • dubyatf

          As much as I dislike Santorum (roughly so much that if he were on fire I wouldn't piss on him-unless said piss consisted of a combination of napalm and gasoline) I really am moved to say that of the two, Rick is the lesser hobgoblin.
          Also, how much do you wanna bet that Newt has actually taken a pee or two that felt like a combination of napalm and gasoline-dude gets laid a LOT.

  • chascates

    Because of slavery (Democrats did it), KKK violence (Democrats did it), segregation (Democrats did it), Jim Crow laws (Democrats did it) and other historic abuses heaped on black Americans in our country by the Democratic Party and its supporters, America has been a bit oversensitive about race for the last few decades.

    From 5 Reasons That Shouting "Racism" Doesn't Work Anymore http://townhall.com/columnists/johnhawkins/2012/0

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      Yes, Democrats in the way that Jesse Helms and George Wallace were Democrats.

      • tessiee

        When I still lived in North Carolina, there was a guy campaigning for local office whose name was, iirc, Jesse Page. As we drove past his campaign sign, the former Mr. Tessie said, "I'm not voting for Jesse ANYBODY!".

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Yeah, Newt, you and your ilk have always been on the forefront of racial equality. Nice attempt at a 'post-racial' attitude… you're so full of shit your eyes are brown.

  • pinkocommi

    "But how can a black man be in charge of the Executive Branch when the Justice Department is investigating a possible hate crime against a black boy? That would be like a black man pointing out that it’s stupid for a cop to arrest a black man in his own home for suspecting him of being an intruder, or a gay judge being in charge of a case about gayness."

    That would be like Newt Gingrich accusing Obama of having no honor…. I think that was the analogy Newt Gingrich was looking for.

    • tessiee

      Or Newt Gingrich accusing Bill Clinton of being an amoral, adulterous piglet…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        That was our very own Kirsten Boyd Johnson's original coinage, IIRC. She dubbed that Newt an "amoral, jewelry-debt piglet," and it resonated in all our hearts.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Losted.

        And, to be accurate, he was porking Callistabot while married to Wifey #2.

        Wifey #1 was his high school *math* teacher, with whom he was having an affair while underage. He married her shortly after he graduated HS, and had two daughters with her. Her name was Jackie Battley, I bleev. She had uterine cancer, around the time that Newt confided to some whilom "friend" that he was going to dump her because she "was not young enough or pretty enough to be First Lady." The day after her surgery, he showed up in the hospital with divorce papers. IIRC, she refused to sign them. Whereupon he stopped making ANY payments whatsoever for his children. At the time, he was porking (among others) potential Wifey #2, Marianne Ginther. During that time, Jackie Battley, still recovering from cancer and surgery, was unable to pay her utility bills or feed her children. Her church had to hold a fundraiser for her because Gingrich refused to pay any support. She finally gave him his divorce, whereupon he married Wifey #2, Marianne.

        During his marriage to Marianne, he was porking (among others) his current wife, Callista Bisek. He announced this fact to Marianne Ginther Gingrich by telephone on Mother's Day. She had gone to visit her mother after learning that she had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

        Charming little fuckwad, ain't he?

        • dubyatf

          Apparently the nuts don't even fall off his family tree. Seriously, he treated his first wife and daughters like that and the daughters have come out in his support during this farfegnewton? What the hell? Where is the lifelong festering hatred and loathing a la Christina Crawford? That ain't normal.
          Maybe they're willing to prostitute themselves for a secret service "detail" if you get my drift and I think you do.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Apparently, both the daughters work for Daddy now, and it's never a good idea to piss off the boss. But yeah. I would rather have starved than take a handout from a swine who could let ME starve when I was just a kid.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        I don't understand what you mean about big JAPs and self-evident mediocre blowjobs. Could you explain?

        • dubyatf

          I *suppose* you'd like me to post the video, hmmm?

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            No, I just don't get it. What do you mean?

          • dubyatf

            I was mining the vast archive of comedic lore around the stereotype in re: Jewish girls/ladies' abhorrence of fellatio. I'm guessing I must have offended you since my observation is that you and your fellow Wonks are deucedly clever and my remark wasn't all that esoteric. If that's so, I apologize, most sincerely. I have not yet worked out all the nuances here at Wonkette. : (

      • Biff

        Oh, come on–haven't YOU ever wiped it off on the drapes on your way out?

  • C_R_Eature

    I wanna get out of the boat now.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Aww, stick around CRE. We need friends.

      • C_R_Eature

        Yeah, sure, thanks.
        I know, You're my Friends, you're not like the others.

        that is good.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Where did you get my picture? Did you hack my twitter?

          • C_R_Eature

            Heh. Ve Haff vays. You're be surprised.

            You look good. And calm.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            And I have not take any drugs. At all.

          • flamingpdog

            "Bill Clinton does not inhale marijuana, right? You bet. Like I chew on LSD but I don't swallow it.'"

          • C_R_Eature

            "You took Too Much, Too Much, man."

          • RadioStalingrad

            C'mon C_R_E, we're enjoying the umbrage. From Shakespeare to Conrad to Thompson and beyond. And here's Newt's hoodie as a bonus.

          • C_R_Eature

            I love this and will cherish it for ever.

          • C_R_Eature

            Ray-Ban Shooters are the way to go. Don't listen to anyone who tells you differently.

          • Biff

            Clubmasters ftw!

          • C_R_Eature

            Oh, I'm just not Cool enough to pull those off. I love 'em though!

            Years of field work have me stuck on Aviators. I did get a set of Amber-Matics that are Most Excellent for driving.

          • Biff

            I can't count how many pair of Amber-Matics I've broken over the years. Used to be lifetime-guaranteed, send 'em in, get a new pair. No more freebies, now that B&L doesn't own them anymore. I had a pair of Clubs last 35 years, so it was a no-brainer to replace them with the same. Sadly, the same no longer exists. The new ones have different sized and shaped lenses, and they're coated. I still bought them, but I doubt they'll last as long. Just as well, I should be dead by then anyway.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            Tsk! Internetz Gay Husband, no talking like dat. I will miss you, and it would be plain ol mean to cause me such suffering.

          • Biff

            20 more years on this rock should be sufficient, wouldn't wish to outstay my welcome. Can't imagine myself at 95.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

            OK, I'll be ready to pop my clogs by then too. Let's have a grand Going-Out Party!

          • HistoriCat

            I just want to downfist you and Biff for these comments. No one is going anywhere – you hear me?!?

          • Gunner Asch

            Dollar Store FTW

  • not that Dewey

    Newt: Why does Obama 'behave the way that people would think' he's Muslim?

    This guy can't fucking shut up. Just like all the other Republicans.

  • iburl

    Newt Gingrich (R – Georgia) doesn't see race… perhaps because he's been legally blinded by the glare from Callista Gingrich's pallid, bloodless face & Million dollar Blingrich. Either that, or because he's a self-centered, psychopathic, racist.

    • tessiee

      "These are my kids. One is black, and one is white, but because I don't see race, I don't know which is which." — "My Name is Earl"

    • Negropolis

      Newt Gingrich (R – Dark Side of the Moon)

      /fixed

  • fitley

    Newt the Spewt. Fetid Stool Today, Fetid Stool Tomorrow.

  • Veritas78

    You all know we're going to have to endure a "book" about his campaign, written by noted "historian" Newt Gingrich, with an adoring forward by noted home-wrecking jism-slut Callista Gingrich (now boffing Paul Ryan and/or Eric Cantor), titled A Year Of Infamy: How America Lost Its Future or some such crap.

    Sheldon Edelsmeg will buy the entire first edition. Cartons of them will eventually be available at retirement center entrances from Boca Raton to Macau. Happily, none will be bought, or read.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Free with the purchase of 5 gallons of gas for your (shitty-ass) golf cart at The Villages.
      Fucking Florida!

    • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

      Sheldon has no "smeg," he's cut.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    "Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK because it didn’t look like him. That’s just nonsense dividing this country up. It is a tragedy this young man was shot. It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American."

    Well, that's not exactly what the President said, what he said was…. oh forget it. Newt Gringrich the Emily Latella of politics.

    • tessiee

      "So when the President says that it's too bad that some black kid got shot for no reason, is he actually suggesting that ALL WHITE PEOPLE SHOULD BE ROUNDED UP AND EXECUTED?? Because I have to say, that's not very nice."

      • Geminisunmars

        What's all this I hear about Republican Confections? Why are the Republicans trying to hog all the sweets for themselves?

  • C_R_Eature

    Well, I gave this a good shot earlier, but Gingrich's behavior has become so appalling that I feel the need to deploy The Bard:

    GINGRICH:

    "What time is it?”

    PRINCE HENRY:

    "Thou art so fat-witted, with drinking of old sack
    and unbuttoning thee after supper and sleeping upon
    benches after noon, that thou hast forgotten to
    demand that truly which thou wouldst truly know.
    What a devil hast thou to do with the time of the
    day? Unless hours were cups of sack and minutes
    capons and clocks the tongues of bawds and dials the
    signs of leaping-houses and the blessed sun himself
    a fair hot wench in flame-coloured taffeta, I see no
    reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand
    the time of the day."

    • Chichikovovich

      And furthermore, Newt's a rump-fed ronyon.

      • C_R_Eature

        And also …as a candle, the better burnt out.

        • Chichikovovich

          Out, out, brief interminable candle.

          And since that's the cue:

          Newt’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
          That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
          And then is heard no more struts and frets more. [He tells] tale[s]
          Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
          Signifying nothing.

          • C_R_Eature

            It's too bad Bill isn't around not, because he'd just be having a Field Day with these Republicans.
            He'd also have the easiest job in the world, commenting on Newt. All he would need to do is republish all his old stuff.

          • Chichikovovich

            Passages here and there fit, it's true, but none of these Republicans have sufficient capacity or dimension of character to fashion one of his tragedies around either as hero or villain. Even Bottom has more substance, and is more appealing than Newt. He might write Newt into a role like Juliet's Nurse, or Macbeth's porter I suppose, but mostly he'd leave Newt, Santorum, Romney, Bachmann, etc. for Marlowe and Ben Jonson to chew on.Unless Puck is going to come onstage soon to tell us the whole thing was all a dream. I'm down with that.—

          • C_R_Eature

            You are correct, of course, so we'll need to look further down roster.

            Rosencrantz and/or Guidenstern's characters are about as developed as the average Congressional Republican.

            And Yorick, alas, would have to be Breitbart,

            I think Puck is off under a tree, waiting for Godot.

          • Chichikovovich

            True, those are two good ones. Plus: put dark sunglasses on Ron Paul and I can see him as Old Gobbo.—

          • C_R_Eature

            Excellent

  • ttommyunger

    " It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American." On the other hand, if he had been a pudgy, pasty-faced little fuck named Newt, we would have all been spared a lot of ugliness.

  • tessiee

    How Not to be Racist, According to Newt and the GOP
    1. Anybody pointing out that racism exists and/or is bad, is racist.
    2. Double plus ungood if person doing said pointing out is blah.
    3. If President Obama says anything complimentary or sympathetic about any blah person, ever, he's racist racist racist!!! *stamps foot*

  • tessiee

    All kidding aside, I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and fart a more intelligent sentence than any of the candidates on their best day.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Newt's just doubling down on the "whoever smelt it, dealt it" strategy, isn't he? THE REAL RACISM IS ACKNOWLEDGING THE EXISTENCE OF RACISM! Barf forever.

  • C_R_Eature

    Well, Doktor StrangeZoom has used up all the great Apocalypse Now quotes, and that's OK by me.
    Bomb 'em back into the Stone Age, Doc.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Fastest IMDB cut and paste in the West.

      • C_R_Eature

        Don't forget the Value-Added editing, now.

    • MosesInvests

      I asked for a primary. For my sins, I was given one.

      • C_R_Eature

        "…and when it was over I'd never want another."

        We can only hope.

  • WiscDad

    Close your eyes and imagine you are Newt mounting Clitatsta. Now imagine you are Clitasta getting mounted by Newt. See this in vivid HD Technicolor in your mind. Now…savor the taste of vomit in your mouth…swishing it around and swallowing back down. THAT…is why Newt is Newt. We can really only HOPE they can consummate their love in a double suicide after his miserable showing in GrOPer primary

    • C_R_Eature

      I'm sorry. I got to the word "Newt" and threw up all over everything.

      Thanks a lot.

  • flamingpdog

    OT, but positive news for Wonketeers on a dreary Friday evening: Alcohol does not kill brain cells.

    • WiscDad

      Brain cells kill brain cells

      • C_R_Eature

        Brain Cells don't let Brain Cells kill Brain Cells!

        • flamingpdog

          Guns don't kill brain cells – brain cells with guns kill brain cells.

    • C_R_Eature

      What!? Seven years of College down the drain!

    • commiegirl

      Sure but when's the last time you saw Shane MacGowan?

      • C_R_Eature

        I have a Pogues live album, Streams of Whiskey that, if I didn't know all the words to "The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn", I would have had no idea what language Shane MacGowan was using. Or if it was language…

        Unbelievably, he's Touring with The Pogues again.
        Perhaps that whole Brain Cell thing is really true, Eh?

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        When I flipped him off in Belgo Centraal in Covent Garden?

    • ElPinche

      And if the brain cell is wearing a hoodie, then its pepper-sprayed, choked and shot dead. Also skullfucked.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      I think it can only kill the brain cells that are pussies.

  • ElPinche

    There's nothing worse than a fat ass sore loser…except one that won't go away.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Man, Andrew Breitbart would be loving this. Which is why, once again, I'm relieved he checked out. The frothing rage would be just too much.

  • DahBoner

    I agree with Newt.

    Everytime a White dude kills a Black guy, the Judge should be Black, so no bias.

    Unless he's a Rich Republican Black dude killing his ex, then he should be JAPANESE, motherfuckers…

  • a_pink_poodle

    Oh no, who do I root for, the guy who says stupid, aggressive crap or the guy who says stupid, ignorant crap?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "..that just wasn’t a very good deal you got for what was left of your soul."

    There you go again, dissing the free market. The fact is that Newt got a very good deal, considering.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      And who would know better than you, Biely?

      That's a rhetorical question, by the bye. I *really* don't want to know anyone who would know better than you on that issue.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I suppose I could have given more detail: He got a good deal, considering that I was the only bidder.

        Not my fault he didn't set a reserve price.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    OK … so far, so good….

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    "Sign it and seal it and send it to France. Don't mention my name, don't make any long-term plans." [some Elvis Costello song] — Somehow Newt is always at that crossroads, like Robert Johnson, and walking right through it. Not sure what he's ever gotten from his repeated assurances of "Sure, sure Bub(beezle), I'll sign your paper, right after I finish up with this…" Maybe he's being paid by Romney to stay in the race and divide the conservative vote.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    "The Whorer… the Whorer…"

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    Well, this is one thing Newt is consistent about considering Newt did not apologize when found guilty of those ethics offenses when Speaker.

  • Biff

    Just in case anyone (else) is looking for a small fridge, there's this one, and the knobs go up to 11.

    • C_R_Eature

      Do they really? That's wonderful.

      Nice Attachment also.

      • flamingpdog

        Authentic to the boner.

        /fixed

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I WANT one.

      • Biff

        Get two and stack 'em up!

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          She's not your satellite
          She doesn't miss you
          So turn off your smoke machine
          And Marshall stack

          She doesn't have to have
          Her young fresh fellows tape back now
          But there's not a lot of things
          That she'll take back

          • Biff

            Upfist for obscure Giants ref.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          These guys must drink a LOT of beer.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Newt is a despicable POS. Time for him to drop "Perma-Hoodie" off behind the counter of the overpriced menstrual blood lipstick section at Neiman Marcus and ride off into the sunset.

    • Isyaignert

      Noooooo – we need Gnewt to keep it interesting. Damn, I miss Hermann Idonthavefactstobackthisup Cain and Michelle Batshitcrazy Bachmann.

  • Isyaignert

    This site is the best one on the entire Internets (sic) for honest news and heartfelt commentary. It's like watching the Daily Show all day long.

    XOXO

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Hey, stick around! You might work out why we're banned from being utter bastards.

      • RadioStalingrad

        Exactly, like you Fuk, dude's got insight. And we've got enough intelligence to avoid the Sword of Damacles, amirite?

        • Fukui-sanYesOta

          Damocles is a redacted and I hope he gets machinegunned.

          um, XOXO

    • Limeylizzie

      Aww, we love it here, sit down and hang out.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      Hi, my name is Derrick Wildcat. Around here, they call me the, "Hammer"

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        (pssstt!! Ask 'em about birds!)

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

          All you need to know is that birds are arguably the best kind of animal there is.

          • Biff

            Arguably. Have you looked in their eyes, man? Pure evil!

      • RadioStalingrad

        How's the hoosegow?

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

          I am a different kind of hammer

    • flamingpdog

      Jon Stewart haz the sadz, but we have the gladz.

  • flamingpdog

    I just had a thought (which I'm pretty sure I'll shortly regret), but maybe we could all get together and put on a show get up a petition to ask Washington University in St. Louis to torment Newts for cruel training exercises.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

      Only if they're the big fat Sta-Puft Marshmallow type Newts.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

    The best description I ever heard of Gingrich is that he sounds like how dumb people think that smart people sound. You can just hear it in the way he angles it in his arguments, I'm smarter than everyone else and I'm gonna blow them away with this argument.

  • dubyatf

    And by "the speck that knew you were doing wrong before you did it anyway" you ARE referring to Newt's peen, aren't you?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Oh for fuck's sake, you fucking people. I'm going to bed.

  • Soylent Green

    Newt is that guy. You've seen this one before. The guy that all your friends says is 'sooo smart'. When you finally meet and greet, you're a little taken that he comes off as an indignant, self-centered, bullshitting pudgeball. Of course, you may be mistaken and chock it up as a bad first impression. But then, after another encounter you realize that you're far superior in intellegence than you originally thought and dismiss your friends and their false god as a lower form of sub-species. Yeah. He's that guy.

    • Biff

      Ed Zachary. He is why I don't-nay, won't-converse with republicans. Too nasty.

  • GreatChristiano

    Sorry people but O'bama saying, "If I had a son, he'd look like Treyvon" is a divisive statement that proves Barrack Hussein doesn't care about any other race. Read August Wilson's Radio Golf: "Are you gonna be mayor for the black people? Or are you gonna be mayor for the whites?"

    Once again, someone "acted stupidly."

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Can we still have breakfast at Tiffanys ?

    • GreatChristiano

      Grits?

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

    AWRIGHT, y'all. Pdog's right. Y'all need a giant hug from me.

    (Hugs the whole fucking lotta ya)

    I love you so much, babies. Please no makey teh fighty. Not wiv each other, anyway, and not when there's REPUBLIZARDS to beat down.

    • UW8316154

      It's okay, and I love you too, honey. Now let's go back to bed and everything is going to be just fine.

      /Wipes Frothy's tears and leads Frothy by the hand back to the bedroom

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com FROTHY

        Hey, wow. Sweet gig. I mean, ahem, yes, let me just (slides into bedroom with appreciative grin)

        • HistoriCat

          Now that's some smooth moves (taking notes on this).

  • Toomush_Infer

    Okay, but all sexy-time comments aside, most white kids do look like Newt for the first week or so….or like Eisenhower….or Winston Churchhill…. just sayin'…..

  • swordfis

    @Rebecca: too euphemistic. OK, no snark, my hands are shaking with rage as I write this and I'm practically in tears at the filthy opportunistic degradation of all ethical values that is this bag of phlegm.

  • labman57

    Just another steaming pile of rhetoric from a desperate Republican politician.

  • HippieEsq

    Maybe Newt is saying that in the post-racial Obama presidency, people are not allowed to be cognizant of their own skin color. This is helpful to Newt because without a suit he's actually invisible-pale.

  • JimNauseam

    "Take me with you, man, I wanna get a picture. Now here did I put my wide-angle lens?"

  • littlebigdaddy

    I notice Newt did not say it would be a tragedy if he were a Messican.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    And here I thought that Newt had exhausted all possible ways that he could be repulsive.

  • Isyaignert

    I've always wanted to be the 500th comment! Yeah!

    Gnewt still sux and Obama's still awesome!

  • Wile E. Quixote

    The editrix wrote:

    Well, guess we got one more post in us this evening, huh? Here we were, drinking wine, sitting on the couch, and braiding Kirsten Boyd Johnson’s hair,

    Next time could you just post some pictures of the hair-braiding and skip the icky Newt Gingrich stuff?