WASHINGTON ROMANCE NOVELS  11:30 am March 24, 2012

Arlen Specter Has Creepy, Sexy Thoughts About Sarah Palin’s Knees

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Poor old fart Arlen Specter spent thirty years ambling around the Senate floor sneaking up on slow-moving colleagues and torturing them with sermons on political moderation, so we expressed a duly moderate skepticism when the Huffington Post promised us the “steamiest moments” from Specter’s new memoir, about politics. Because, since when do Supreme Court nomination fights make anyone horny? (Quiet down, Chuck Grassley.) But okay, let us fap along to Arlen’s memories: “Still, she [Sarah Palin] was a total charmer, very friendly. The few things she said were intelligent. We were sitting virtually knee to knee in the cramped bus, and she radiated sensuality. Her skirt rode above her knees — not exactly short, but close.” GAH. Unfap! Unfap!

Interesting choice of context-bare excerpt, though, HuffPo. What revolting thing did Sarah Palin do to make “Still…” the appropriate segue? Let’s go check the manuscr– eh, fuck it. Probably it was something like, “When I first met Sarah Palin, she was licking the leftover sour cream off a stack of Taco Bell taco supreme wrappers. Still, she was a total charmer…” or maybe even “When I first met Sarah Palin, she was high on Xanax and walking around wearing a crown of moose antlers. Still, she was a total charmer…”

We are unsure whether we are supposed to be mad at the left or the right for SEXISM against Palin, since Specter left the Senate as a Democrat but was a Republican at the time he met her. Let’s just say it all evens out, because Specter included his creepy thoughts about naked John Thune, too:

“[Sen.] John Thune, who looked like a movie star in or out of clothes, was constantly stretching. His lanky body seemed to have some kinks to iron out.”

Everyone just be thankful naked Joe Lieberman didn’t come up. [HuffPo]

 
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{ 248 comments }

Beetagger March 24, 2012 at 11:34 am

Ewww. No more sexing for me today.

Fare la Volpe March 24, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Or ever.

extreme_left March 24, 2012 at 5:34 pm

i was looking to cut back a bit anyway

Nostrildamus March 24, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Arlen's memoir is like a nicotine patch for sex addiction.

billy_reuben March 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm

It's like a clawhammer for sex addiction.

Tundra Grifter March 24, 2012 at 11:35 am

" We were sitting virtually knee to knee in the cramped bus, and she radiated sensuality. Her skirt rode above her knees — not exactly short, but close.”

Worst Penthouse Forum letter – EVER!

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I never thought this would happen to me … and thank Darwin, IT DIDN"T.

Crank_Tango March 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Too soon, my man–too soon.

Every dog has its day, and you too shall be blessed with flaming p after a night with the snowgrifter.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Jeezus. My pee is flaming, and I never even touched the bitch.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm

A good antibiotic will fix that.

Boojum_Reborn March 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

She turned to face out the window and, in a low screeching whine, asked "Arlen, would you braid my back hair?"

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 6:33 pm

EWWWWWW!!!

memzilla March 24, 2012 at 11:35 am

Hey Arlen: What is fapped, cannot be unfapped.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Getting the toothpaste back in the tube would be a million times easier.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

For you, sure.

Goddamn Fiendish Powers and all that shit.

memzilla March 24, 2012 at 11:36 am

"[Grifterella's] skirt rode above her knees — not exactly short, but close."

If there were ever knees which should have had an aspirin between them, these are those.

OC_Surf_Serf March 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

In the Palin house, the aspirin was for the wine-cooler hangovers…

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Upfisted solely for stellar grammar and sentence structure.

memzilla March 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Another fellow socialist English major reveals herself, Power to the Pluperfect!

DerrickWildcat March 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

Ick gross.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

Where's the part about how she can unhinge her jaw to eat her prey?

Callyson March 24, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Specter didn't get that lucky with her.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

We didn't get that lucky, either.

Chet Kincaid March 24, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Only Callista and Cindy McCain have that ability. Palin is too dumb to operate her own jaw.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 7:14 pm

More upfisties if I could.

MrFizzy March 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

That's not just for prey-eating.

memzilla March 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

That's not her jaw she unhinges!

Boojum_Reborn March 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

But there are teeth! Oh, wait….

spareme March 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Dunno, but I bet when you turn the page, there's the part about when he woke up the next morning and saw her sleeping next to him, he chewed his left arm off.

glamourdammerung March 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Uhm, that was not her jaw.

Clancy_Pants March 24, 2012 at 11:42 am

Nice going Senator. You've succeeded where Rick Santorum failed. I will never look at porn again for fear that image will find it's way into my brain.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 11:43 am

That sounds less like the memories of a senator and more like the gross journalings of a twelve year old boy.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

Where the heck did you find a picture of a dog who is wearing a hoodie? That is the best thing I will see all day.

Callyson March 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Some posters on Jezebel were talking about putting photos of their dogs wearing hoodies on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dogs-wearing-a-hood
I hope one of them bites Geraldo.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 12:16 pm

…right in his Dirty Zimmerman.

FROTHY March 24, 2012 at 6:02 pm

ONE of them? How about the WHOLE FUCKING LOT of them? Jerry Rivers needs to get the fuck outa the media pontificating business tout suite, the dumb asshole. When was he last relevant?

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Barb, I'm gonna lay down some if my super-secret computer ninja skillz on your brain right now. First, google "dog wearing a hoodie". Second, hit images. Third, scroll halfway down the page passed all the ugly-ass chihuahuas an shit and BAM! there I am.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Okay, I think I understand what you are saying about this Google thingy. My computer is new. Did Google come with the computer or do I have to buy it somewhere like you do Turbo Tax. Would it work if I changed a word and made it "cat wearing a hoodie?"

Are you going to be around later? I need to do laundry and I am not sure if the wet whooshy machine or the hot blowy machine is the one I stick the clothes in first.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 12:35 pm

YOU'RE WELCOME! I'm here to help. I might swing by later and lay down a deuce on your front lawn so I can help you with those laundry questions then.
Love ya barb!

An_Outhouse March 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm

That hoodie is so threatening, I'm going to have to go hide under my bed for a while.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Today we are all hoody warriors.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm

It's adorable, isn't it?

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Dammit! I don't know why people keep callin me adorable. I'ma need to slap some bitches.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Aww, who's a good boy? Huh? who's a good boy?

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

One of my facebook friends or friends-of-friends posted a picture of her kitty in a hoodie. Tres cute!

[no, it was not a blah cat]

Mahousu March 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

There's a difference?

BlueStateLibel March 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm

…or more like the senile ramblings of ole gramps.

Extemporanus March 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

Ya know, back in my day, they used Arlen Specter for contraception.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

They also wore an onion between their knees.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

It was the fashion at the time.

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:09 pm

In Shelbyville, they used leeks. You can only imagine why they never worked.

Blueb4sunrise March 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

When I first met Sarah Palin she was clubbing a halibut.

Texan_Bulldog March 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Never heard that euphemism before. That's a good one!

Blueb4sunrise March 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Is "clubbing" a euphemism?

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:10 pm

In Michigan, we call it strangling the wolverine.

AlterNewt March 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

Now that Sam Ervin, HE was a looker.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 11:47 am

I'm tempted to write a memoir. It would totally kick ass and have many exciting excerpts. And since Oprahs not on any more I wouldn't even have to go on her show when everyone found out that I made the whole think up.

Callyson March 24, 2012 at 11:47 am

It's always the boring, quiet ones who turn out to be the true sex freaks…

Mahousu March 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

Newt Gingrich takes strong exception to your remarks.

Dashboard Buddha March 24, 2012 at 11:50 am

Aaaand there goes my boner.

retarded_baboon March 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Mine almost became a vagina when I got to the part about John Thune. Not cool, man, not cool.

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 5:39 pm

But is it (boner) still orange?

Dashboard Buddha March 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm

If I had a dick that looked like Boehner, I'd castrate myself.—

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Orange-colored & leaking tears would be a good reason for castration. Just to be on the safe side.

Blueb4sunrise March 24, 2012 at 11:52 am

OT already…..in Brazil, it is young, white, middle-class women notwearinghoodies,
who strike fear into ummmmmmmm, other young, white, middle-class women notwearinghoodies.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-174

Geminisunmars March 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

See what happens when you give wimmenz the vote and contraceptives!

Chet Kincaid March 24, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Roger Corman has risen from the grave to turn this into his next B-movie exploitation classic. All the more impressive, since he is not dead yet.

IceCreamEmpress March 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

He just likes to sleep in a grave because he's motherfucking Roger Corman, OK?

IceCreamEmpress March 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Horrible though this is, I'm kind of impressed by their initiative. Is that wrong?

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

The victims are followed to their cars, where they are robbed and held captive at gunpoint while the gang uses their credit cards to make luxury purchases.

Like hoodies from Neiman-Marcus?

lisawines March 24, 2012 at 11:53 am

Wha (I'm speechless)? How (did he see Thune naked)? Why (would he EVER write things like this)? Is this some gimmick to sell books? Oh Arlen, Arlen, Arlen.

BerkeleyBear March 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Well, according to former Congresscritter whathisname who liked to "snorkel" and "grabass" young men (but wasn't gay at all) being accosted naked in the Congressional locker room is an everyday event.

lisawines March 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

That thought actually crossed my mind too. But I Googled Thune and there were several images of him shirtless so maybe THAT's how he saw him naked. Uh-oh. Specter Googling images of Thune. That might even be worse.

bflrtsplk March 24, 2012 at 11:54 am

Naked John Thune? C'mon Kirsten. It's Saturday morn… I just leggo of my Eggos.

OC_Surf_Serf March 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

So, Spector really is a Democrat…thinking sexy about an adult and a women…

Biff March 24, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Objection, assumes "facts" not in evidence!

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Well, at leasst until he got to Thune, and then it was straight back to the GOP.

neiltheblaze March 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Wow. Hot. Knees. I bet her nicely turned ankle finished him off for good.

OC_Surf_Serf March 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

What, did Arlen 'xpect 'er to leave Todd for him?

BarackMyWorld March 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

ISWYDT.

BarackMyWorld March 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Suddenly I feel sorry for Palin. I took some antacid, though, so it should pass soon.

Nostrildamus March 24, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Palin will never pass. She's America's intestinal blockage.

NorthStarSpanx March 24, 2012 at 10:09 pm

She and Bristol also sport Hoodies as formal-wear, or to announce with balls that they can beat an Incumbent world leader. . .
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan

V572 Flambé March 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Ol' Arlen was too deaf to hear her paint-stripping voice, which explains his sexy-time thoughts…maybe.

Does he have another chapter in his book about how hot Anita Hill was when she talked about CT, the Coke can and the pubic hair? Jungle fever!

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Or mebbe Arlen faps to audio of fingernails scraping across a blackboard.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

At least Arlen says (in retrospect) what all these conservatives say in present-day terms — but at least he's saying it out loud, and without a hard-on for Sarah.

Or I'm assuming so, because he is old as fuck.

Sheesko March 25, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Gotta be on Viagra, along with a baby aspirin, every day. He has special orders though. He has to seek medical attention immediately If his boner lasts more than 5 minutes. So far, no 911 calls on record.

smokefilledroommate March 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

"When I first met Mitch McConnell, let's say the turtle came out of its shell."

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

"In my initial session with Lieberman, I couldn't comprehend why everyone called him 'Droopy'."

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I neglected to wear latex gloves before my first meeting with my new Pennsylvania colleague Rick Santorum. It was a mistake I wouldn't make a second time.

nirrti_rachelle March 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Nice first try at a Literotica story, Mr. Spector. But you left out the obligatory "nine inches long" and "she had just turned 18."

Lucidamente1 March 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

"Then I said, 'Gov. Palin, would you like me to show you my magic bullet?'"

Infrogmation March 27, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Spector reports he can ejaculate 3 times in 5.6 seconds.

ManchuCandidate March 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm

The few things she said were intelligent.

This book is more fictional than a Penthouse Letter,

not that Dewey March 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

The few things she said were intelligent.

fixed.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

The few things she said were seemed intelligent.

While he was staring at her knees. Five minutes later, he couldn't recall what she'd said. I think this might explain about 90% of her "appeal".

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 8:35 pm

The remaining 10% of her appeal would be her inflatable boobies.

Hera Sent Me March 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

So to Arlen Sarah Palin is a MILF – Maniac I'd Like to Fuck?

pinkocommi March 24, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Hurry. Someone put an aspirin between Arlen Specter's knees before he goes all "wide stance" for John Thune.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

And then they smoked some Dutch Cleanser. I'm going to go clean the toilets.

Jukesgrrl March 24, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Clean the toilets? If you're one of Newt's child janitors, you're too young to be reading The Wonket!! Do your homework as soon as you finish.

owhatever March 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Then I intentionally let my own skirt slide up above my knees, and even higher. Sarah's eyes got big behind those sexy little glasses and she whispered breathlessly, "Arlen, where did you get that outfit?" And I said, "Saks 5th Avenue. I don't wear it in public." I placed a hand on her knee and closed my eyes when she returned the favor, sliding her palm up my thigh.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Dear Politico Forum, I always thought the stories in your column were fake until the following incredible experience…

ttommyunger March 24, 2012 at 12:30 pm

" ….not exactly short, but close…” , Specter added, like my dick.

facehead March 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I see your 'GAH' and two 'unfaps' and I raise you a spanking filled hatefuck.

Your move Wonkette.

BlueStateLibel March 24, 2012 at 12:39 pm

You all missed the part where he glimpsed her ankles …now that was hot.

weej_bain March 24, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Once again Arlen has made a specter of himself. "OMFG she wantonly exposed her knees."

nounverb911 March 24, 2012 at 12:45 pm

"The few things she said were intelligent. "
For a three year old, maybe.

DemmeFatale March 24, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I love that he felt obligated to put that in there.

MrFizzy March 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I think I just gave myself a pearl necklace – BRB!

OneYieldRegular March 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Are you sure these aren't excerpts from a new Lynne Cheney novel?

AbandonHope March 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I think fapping exhibits T-symmetry; therefore, unfapping is impossible. You end up fapping no matter which way the arrow of time is pointing.

This should be considered before venturing into any topic such as Sarah Palin's knees.

VinnyThePooh March 24, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"When I first met Sarah Palin, she was drunk on Wild Turkey and shooting ping-pong balls like the HMS Victory giving a full broadside. Still, she was a total charmer…"

Steverino247 March 24, 2012 at 4:00 pm

The least you could do was use an American reference like the USS Constitution, you, you, un-American, you!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I love the smell of gross old man sexual fantasies in the morning…

What? We're done with the Apocalypse Now thread? Oh. My bad.

beavertank March 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

My penis has now retreated into my chest. Thanks for that one, Senator Specter.

Infrogmation March 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Spector will now explain that's not actually the chest, but rather the back of the neck.

rocktonsam March 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

If only she kept her knees together more often.

twoeightnine March 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

You're not going to mention the Kennedy bit?

Ted Kennedy In The Hot Tub: "I was in the whirlpool at the Senate gym in 2008, recovering from Hodgkin's, when Ted Kennedy came over and climbed into the bath. Kennedy was one of the Senate's giants, in many ways."

twoeightnine March 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"It was as though a gigantic walrus had plunged into the sea, causing the level to swell."

Doktor StrangeZoom March 25, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I forget who the comic was who said "I saw Milton Berle naked in the steam room at our club once. I didn't have my glasses on, so I thought he'd brought his son along."

glamourdammerung March 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I am convinced that he is just trying to see how outrageous a lie he can tell and still be believed. After all, this is the guy that came up with the "magic bullet" in the Warren Commission report.

SayItWithWookies March 24, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Specter found Palin soft-spoken, charming and intelligent? Spoken like a man who could switch political parties at the drop of a hat — hell, he would probably find brussels sprouts and gristle sauteed in goat blood tasty and refreshing.

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 1:51 pm

No, only if he were English.

Jukesgrrl March 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Isn't that a Cheney family lunch favorite?

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Mmmm, blood pudding.

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I love blood pudding and liver and tripe and all those vile things.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Haggis?

Geminisunmars March 24, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Oh, goodie, time to go make dinner.

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I am now going to have to go to X-Tube and do my favourite search 'I am Female and I like Male/Female-Spanking/Uniforms". That should work.

CountryClubJihadi March 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Were the two-inch tufts of stray hairs that she always misses with her Lady Bic glistening in the sunlight that streamed through the plexiglass bus windows? Hawt.

fitley March 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I'm sure Specter beat little Arlen into a coma.

Wadisay March 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Usually Republicans show each other their guns when they get this far into their courtship rituals.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Everyone just be thankful naked Joe Lieberman didn’t come up.

At that mental image, something else did come up. Oh well, I enjoyed lunch the first time around …

sezme March 24, 2012 at 2:28 pm

The few things she said were intelligent.
Hello, Arlen? This is your audiologist. It may be time to change the batteries in your hearing aid.

smashedinhat March 24, 2012 at 2:34 pm

"Specter found Palin soft-spoken…" Clearly not meant to be taken seriously. Her fixed volume screech is her brand.

vodkamuppet March 24, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I_P March 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I can't fap to this!

ifthethunderdontgetya March 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Everyone just be thankful naked Joe Lieberman didn’t come up.

Yeah, thanks, KBJ.

THANKS A LOT!
~

HippieEsq March 24, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I've never been so enthusiastically supportive of an Un-Fap movement. I could use a Palin-size dose of Xanax myself to erase the last 4 minutes from my memory.

donner_froh March 24, 2012 at 3:31 pm

"[Sen.] John Thune, who looked like a movie star in or out of clothes

What movie star has Specter seen out of clothes other than Rex the Wonder Horse?

donner_froh March 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

We were sitting virtually knee to knee in the cramped bus, and she radiated sensuality.

radiated sensuality = hadn't showered for a couple of days

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Only a couple of days?

DemmeFatale March 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I wonder why this post made me think of that "old man smell?" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2-Nonenal

owhatever March 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm

The first thing he noticed is there was no aspirin between her knees.

randcoolcatdaddy March 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Thank God he didn't have anything to say about Virginia Fox. Then I would loose my lunch.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 7:37 pm

When she looked at me with those crossed eyes, I became mesmerized. No…paralyzed. They were two skull marbles of intensity. She undid the top button of her blouse and said to me: "Young man, would you like to visit the 'Dusty Cavern' of North Carolina?"

ElPinche March 24, 2012 at 9:34 pm

jeezus christ…..good bye boner.

cheetojeebus March 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Dear Sirs,
Is it safe to use a wine corkscrew to pull your peen back out of your abdomen?
Yours in discomfort,
Cheeto

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Here's what I used. You don't want the cork to split on the way out.

tcaalaw March 24, 2012 at 4:49 pm

We were sitting virtually knee to knee in the cramped bus, and she radiated sensuality.

My testicles involuntarily retracted into my body cavity when I read that….

HippieEsq March 24, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I've never given a "thumbs up" to so many stories about frightened gonads.

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm

People, we have to stop being so frivolous about Spector's message. There's something deadly serious going on here. I'm sure you've read the same stories as I have about American prisoners of war who were forced to send letters home describing benign treatment, and so would convey messages via oblique cultural or historical references that would not be recognized by prison censors.

You know: "The guards here treat us well, and are really very pleasant – they remind me of jolly Uncle Sherman who visited us in Atlanta that one time on the way to the sea." That sort of thing.

Stay with me here folks: Look at what Spector writes here. It's buried in there, so you could easily miss it:

…things she said were intelligent.

OK, what options do we have here? 1) Perhaps Spector is telling the truth. We can rule that out right away, of course. 2) Perhaps Spector is lying, but believes that he can convince people who have heard Palin many times that what he wrote is the truth. Now this is more plausible, since he did in fact get many people to believe the magic bullet theory. But still, we've got to rule that one out too: there are limits to what people will accept.

Now as Sherlock Holmes is described as saying: "If you eliminate the impossible, then whatever is left, however improbable, is the truth". So I conclude that Arlen Spector was captured by a race of mutant space lobsters from a planet so distant that their only knowledge of earth culture comes from reflected TV transmissions of the Duggar and Kardashian families, plus Michele Bachmann and Ann Coulter. They returned Spector to earth, but are keeping him under unceasing surveillance. He knows this is the one signal he can send that they won't catch, and he's desperately trying to communicate with us before the planned invasion.

….?

Oh yeah? Well they laughed at Einstein too – I don't see any of you coming up with a better explanation of what Spector wrote. You probably believed the Warren commission report.

BlueStateLibel March 24, 2012 at 5:22 pm

It's as good a theory as any. Personally, I see it as a cry for help. Desperately needed help.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 24, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I actually came close to losing a good friend when I told her that I thought that Gerald Posner's Case Closed presented a pretty good debunking of the JFK conspiracy theories. She said that she'd always thought I was a pretty smart guy, but if I really thought Oswald acted alone, then maybe she was wrong about not only my intelligence, but my basic grasp on reality.

But then when Crash Davis's litany of what he believed in confrmed that I was at least in good fictional company, I felt better about myself.

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

My view has always been, and remains, that it was most likely Oswald alone, just on general principles. a) It is impossible for conspiracies as large and far-reaching as the ones I've heard suggested to be carried out without leaking somewhere. b) The risk involved in killing a president of the US, especially in such a high-profile, public way, were so immense, the consequences upon possible discovery so overwhelmingly negative and the prospective payoff so unclear, that nobody would regard it as a rational bet to take. All of the conspiracy theories I heard involved lots of actors that would have to be highly rational to plan out and play their parts. A lone loony just seemed more likely.

But like a lot of people outside the US, it wasn't a live issue for me – more like the idle historical question of whether or not Shakespeare was really Francis Bacon, which was fashionable in the late nineteenth century. When I first came to the 'States in the mid-80s, I found myself on several occasions trying to extract myself from conversations about the Kennedy assassination that became uncomfortably heated all of a sudden, and I realized that my conversation partner cared a lot more passionately than I did. So it's become one of those topics I just get blandly agreeable about whenever it arises in the real world.

[``The mob in tandem with Castro, eh? Interesting, yes, I can see why someone would believe that. They both had a lot to gain and little to lose by it...."]

Infrogmation March 27, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Researcher Gaeton Fonzi (later an investigator for the HSCA) wrote that it was his conversation with Spector that gave him the sudden realization "OMG, there really was a conspiracy) — when asked to clear up some details of his own Warren Commission findings Spector replied with awkward hemming and hawing and then distracting bluster.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 5:09 pm

"Her skirt rode above her knees — not exactly short, but close."

Half-term skirt?

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Quit halfway through, but the legs kept going forever…

Panty_Buns March 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I'm surprised Arlen didn't unveil a Single Knee Theory.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 5:47 pm

This is a truly grotesque story and, since I've just gotten back from being in the Field all day I don't have the proper linguistic ammunition to do it justice.

All I can see now is Sarah Palin swirling her way on to the bus and flouncing down next to Specter, who immediately transmogrifies into an enormous pulsating Phallus.
No one notices.

Enjoy that hallucinogenic nightmare, for now.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 8:33 pm

"All I can see now is Sarah Palin swirling her way on to the bus and flouncing down next to Specter, who immediately transmogrifies into an enormous pulsating Phallus.
No one notices."

That bit is like a passage from a book written by the lovechild of William Burroughs & Hunter Thompson.
In other words, I think I love you.

C_R_Eature March 24, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Actually I cribbed the whole thing from The Petermorphosis, by Franz Kafka.

coolhandnuke March 24, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Needz moar Phil Spector.

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 6:40 pm

You know, I think you're on to something. Put a big, high frizzy wig and some sunglasses on Arlen, and they could be the Spector brothers.

And also, too, whenever Sarah! opens her mouth, all that comes out is a wall of sound.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 6:47 pm

♫ Be my little babblely. ♫

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Needz evin moar Regina Spektor.

Mrspanky March 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

“Still, she [Sarah Palin] was a total charmer, very friendly. The few things she said were intelligent. We were sitting virtually knee to knee in the cramped bus, and she radiated sensuality. Her skirt rode above her knees — not exactly short, but close.

Then she reached down, between her legs, and eased the seat back. As her skirt rose up, the view of her thong peaked through her sheer panty hose. Almost on command my daily dose of Cialis kicked in and my little buddy "Arlie" started to rise up……."

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm

And then little Arlie took a cue from Ms. Sarah, and quit rising when he was at halfmast.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 6:38 pm

The domestic partner unit is pulling overnight shifts at the "chapel" in case some people are discovered to be breathless during the next couple of nights. So I was thinking I'd be fapping it alone this weekend. But I'm sure that this post has killed any possibility of fapping. Instead I'll just look down at "it" in disgust and say: "What is wrong with you things? Look what your kind made Arlen Specter say!"

Blueb4sunrise March 24, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Primary in Louisiana.

and a tune about the one that got away.
Jolie Blond

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I wonder if Santorum would have insisted that Louisiana adopt English as the official language if he'd been in the Senate in 1812.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 7:02 pm

The book will be released on March 27:

A date which will live in infirm-y.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Available in remainder stacks April 3rd. Between Sarah Palin's "Going Rogue" & "America by Heart".

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 7:17 pm

OT Dick Cheney just had a heart transplant….now try to be nice.
http://news.yahoo.com/aide-says-cheney-had-heart-

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 7:25 pm

See, Obamacare Works!!1!

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Heart transplant? Doesn't that imply that at some point he had a heart?

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Original installation perhaps?

An_Outhouse March 24, 2012 at 7:41 pm

The correct term is a heart insert.

rocktonsam March 24, 2012 at 7:29 pm

good for Dick.

I'm having extra cheese on my pizza tonight

cheetojeebus March 24, 2012 at 7:36 pm

This is so sad. I feel real pain for that new heart. To spend out it's days inside that rancid cage is cruel.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 8:20 pm

The ooze produced by Cheney's brain has probably found its way south to enclose the innocent unsuspecting new heart in a cold dark shell by now.

Blueb4sunrise March 24, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Dern, missed a chance to shit in his chest cavity .

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 7:56 pm

True Story:
The autocratic, but droll, Chairman of Thoracic Surgery at NYU was doing a chest case and some eager beaver medical student was retracting (hangin' hook) and peering into the wound. His glasses fall into the field. Dr. Spencer asks for a clamp and grabs the glasses and flips them over his shoulder. He looks up at the student and dryly says "why didn't you just take a shit in there?" I'm sure that student went into Psychiatry or something other than Surgery.

Blueb4sunrise March 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

and now that student posts at American Thinker and NRO.

Serfville March 24, 2012 at 7:38 pm

MMM K… I will trrrry to be nice. Wouldn't it be funny or ironic or weird if The Evil One kicked it on the holy of holies sabbath day Sunday? Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Tick-tock…

ThundercatHo March 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Hard to believe that being a totally evil, corrupt, nasty, lying, power-hungry mother fucker doesn't remove one from the transplant list.

An_Outhouse March 24, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I heard it on good authority that the heart was from a lesbian environmentalist and not from a small child as previously rumored.
UPDATE BREAKING NEWS BELOW:

An_Outhouse March 24, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Never mind, it was pig heart from the local butcher.

BarackMyWorld March 24, 2012 at 7:47 pm

This is 12 years too late.

LetUsBray March 24, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Look, I am not filling out one of those damn organ donor cards if there's even the slightest chance Dick the Undead is getting my heart or anything else for that matter. What would the poor fuck who supplied the heart have thought in their final moment if s/he'd known that's where their heart was going. Just fucking horrible.

Geminisunmars March 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Maybe we can have on the back of our driver's license: Organ donor, except in case of Cheney.

rocktonsam March 24, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Betcha Dick has bodies hooked up to machines just waiting to have organs harvested in his secret hide out.

Loaded_Pants March 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Hmm. Maybe there should be a organ donor policy in place so donors can specify who can or cannot get their organs. The idea that my heart/kidney/whatever going into someone like, say, Karl Rove horrifies me.
But then again, it might lead to a lot of people writing in "No Jews" or "No blacks".

Biff March 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Dick Santorum wouldn't accept no goddamned heart transplant, no way!

Spurning Beer March 24, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I hope that Dick's new ticker doesn't stop cold in his sleep the first night home from the hospital. Yes, I'm going to ideate about how I wouldn't want that to happen.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Imagine how many donors they had to reject before they found a heart small enough to fit Dick Cheney.
~

Chichikovovich March 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

No snark, just an observation. Cheney is 71 years old, and not a particularly robust physical specimen even aside from the age and bad heart. There are always more patients in need of hearts than there are recipients, and so this old man was moved ahead of some people much younger, who have much more of their lives to live, and perhaps young children.

[Though it occurs to me perhaps the drastic weight loss he has displayed recently was not a result of ill health as people have speculated, but rather required in order to be eligible for the transplant. Perhaps he was able to pull strings to get a heart into a 71-year old, but putting a precious donor heart into an obese 71-year old may have been a bridge too far.]

LetUsBray March 24, 2012 at 10:11 pm

And that's the other thing: The old fucker has had like 14 heart attacks already. Clearly hearts just don't do so well in that environment. So I agree, it looks really fishy that he got one, like he threatened to waterboard and/or shoot in the face whoever's in charge of divvying up the spare parts at his local hospital.

RadioStalingrad March 24, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Politics in transplants? No, no, Chich. The medical profession, especially hospital administrators, are highly ethical. BTW, did i mention that Inova Health System made $230 million in 2010 and $130 million in 2011 as a "not for profit?"

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Called a "left ventricular assist device," or LVAD, that device took over the job of the heart's main pumping chamber, powered by special batteries worn in a fanny pack.

Heh, heh, I don't even need that fancy internetz anagram web site to know that LVAD is an anagram of VLAD.

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:21 pm

I'm so going to hell, because when I heard it on TV, at the very least I said "meh", and at the very worst I may have uttered "oh, that's really too bad." I'll leave you all to guess which one.

where are those Obamacare Death Panels when you really need them, amirite?

eaglewon March 24, 2012 at 7:20 pm

dang, Arlen, why didn't you just stick your hand up her dress? You're an old geezer, you can get away with it.

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Probably afraid he might get bitten if he stuck it up far enough.

salt_bagel March 24, 2012 at 7:41 pm

50 Shades of Greying.

Pragmatist2 March 24, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Dicke Cheney has a heart transplant and there is NO Wonkette piece? I know it is Saturday but people have needs and if they aren't met, bad things will happen.
So put that snarky Cheney comment boiling up inside you right here by hitting the "Reply" button now.

Biff March 24, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Goddamned Obamacare!

rocktonsam March 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I think most people give don't a rats ass about this prick.

swordfis March 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

May I just take this opportunity to say that I'm not over the previous article yet and I want to reiterate that Newt Gingrich is a bloated cancer pustule?

tessiee March 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

In much the same way that Newt is a stupid person's idea of what a smart person sounds like, $arah is a stupid person's idea of what a sexy woman looks and acts like.

Straight men of the wonketteverse, please feel free to jump in if you disagree, but $arah strikes me as a cocktease extraordinaire who would be a terrible lay. Even setting aside the buzzsaw hitting a nail voice, she's completely devoid of the slightest giving impulse or any genuine sensuality; a lot of narcissistic showin' off (compounded by pretendin' it was an accident) seems to be about the most she'd be capable of.

Wile E. Quixote March 24, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Everyone just be thankful naked Joe Lieberman didn’t come up.

Damn, and here I was hoping for some hot Joe Lieberman/Larry Craig slashfic.

Smitros March 24, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Magic bullet . . .

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 10:59 pm

The banality of strangeness. What a perve. lol

rickmaci March 25, 2012 at 12:43 am

Arlen Specter fapping over Sarah Palin AND John Thune. You can take the man out of the Repervy Party but you can't take the Repervy out of the man. For the record, eeewww.

DahBoner March 25, 2012 at 9:06 am

Why do so many Republicans write bad porn?

telecustom1972 March 26, 2012 at 8:39 am

"She was dressed like the youngest sister of the deceased at Baptist funeral, and I felt a stirring in my loins. A stirring that I had not experienced since…"

GreatChristiano March 26, 2012 at 10:39 am

I must say, this lowers the quality that the word "charmer" once held…

Tommy1733 March 26, 2012 at 4:41 pm

"just be thankful naked Joe Lieberman didn’t come up" – does he ever?

Barb March 24, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Love ya back!
Now I have to go to the Google and see where I can buy a lawn. I live in the desert and my yard is decorative pebbles, stones and bigger rocks. You can just come inside and make your woobie if you want.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Alpha bitches in bad ass hoodies do not "make a woobie"! I knew talkin to a cat would ruin my street cred.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

First load of laundry is in. Do you know where I can get some of that black market Tide? I want the good, uncut stuff.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Street Tide? Oh barb, please tell me it hasnt come to that! Sorry, i cant help. I only deal in hallucinogens made from Draino and pirated German lesbian midget bondage porn. I stay away from the hard stuff.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Do some math for me, please. If I've been recovering for six weeks and Jeffer wears 1 shirt a day, how many shirts am I about to iron?

flamingpdog March 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Jeeze, I hit teh Wonkette late on a Saturday morning and teh first thing I see is mass hysteria.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I'm no good at math but have you thought about what would happen if the source of your laundry superpowers turned out to be your uterus? Now what are you gonna do? And did I just blow your mind?

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

It depends of course upon whether you mean Jeff wears a shirt every work day of the week or every week day of the week. Either way, if you hadn't slipped earlier and revealed that you're wealthy, I think we all would've figured it out with your admission re: laundry backup. Holy ancient Chinese secret. That is a LOT of shirtage (pronounced shur-tahzh, natch).
P.S. forgot to tell you the other night when I was tallying up all of our shared supra-mystical coinkidinkage (pronounced koe eenk a deenk ij) that my brother's name is "Woobie." ha, ha! Really, it's Jeff. And get THIS: years ago, when Harrah's opened its first Social Security check cashing emporium in my town, I worked there. . . pregnant pause as we all absorb the uncanniness.
And I think there are a couple of rocks in my yard, too.
If not, there are certainly a few woobies, courtesy of the two (slight to moderately brain damaged) dachshunds who live here.
I feel so close to you that I would gladly share my uterus. Apparently, I'm not using it any more.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Ummm, Jeffers could iron his own shirts.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I wish Jeff would take me to the mall and buy me a new uterus. I can live without the cervix though. I'm not even sure what the cervix does.

Ya know how when you are a kid and you lose a tooth and you keep sticking your tongue in the empty space and expect to find something there? I feel that way about Miss Mookie.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 2:18 pm

quit sticking your tongue in there.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm

He has tons of shirts. I am just such a neat freak that the wrinkled ones were making me bonkers. I have the urge to switch the winter and summer clothes in the closets.

You worked for Harrah's? Jeffery worked for them for 18 years or so in 5 or 6 cities. Maybe you've met.

What did you do for Harrah's?

AbandonHope March 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I just have to say I LOVE YOU PEOPLE SO MUCH.

And I'm not even drunk or nothin'.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 5:24 pm

We love you back!

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 5:50 pm

I like you, but only in a holdin hands kind of way. Don't expect to get past first base. Oh who am I kidding? Bring a case of decent beer and I'll let you get to third.

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 5:33 pm

My bro spells his name "Jeffery" as well, also furthermore.
Though he really didn't have any say in the matter, to be fair.
At Harrah's (it was on a boat when I worked there though it was permanently moored to the river bank in the attempt to assuage the Puritanical Missouri outrage over gambling on our hallowed soil or something) I was hired to schlepp drinks and be groped. I went to court 4 times in a year to press assault charges. We ("beverage servers"-because that sounds a lot classier than "cocktail waitresses" which-hello, why worry about our official title when we were decked out like high- priced Sandra Flukes?) were also required to empty the ashtrays and swab them out with a rolled up, damp cloth that we referred to as our wienies. By the end of each shift (I worked 8am-5pm) I had an average of $100 bucks in my pocket, after tipping out, and an impermeable glot of cigarette ash under my wienie hand's thumbnail. It was in many ways a gross, dehumanizing job but the people I worked with were the best, funniest, funnest group I have ever had the pleasure to be around. That fact was the saving grace for me. I stuck it out for a year before I took a leave of absence to take care of my mom, who was involved in a head on auto collision, and I ended up not returning.
We had to wear these bustier tops and the casino issued us shoulder pads to stuff under our boobs and make them more assertive.
I remember that the guy who ran the whole deal had a curly hair and a mustache, both shot through with gray. He was attractive, kinda short, and had started his career at Harrah's some years earlier as a bus boy.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Pdog, youre cool, right? You're not gonna tell the other dogs that I'm on the catlow?

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I will cut you. I WILL CUT YOU!

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm

That's right. It's you. You're a good boy. such a good, good boy.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Hello Starfangled! I know you are going to think I am full of crap. I love to iron! I love housework and I love to cook. I just started a loaf of bread for my birdies tomorrow. I'm watching the hockey game and I am going to vacuum when they bring out the Zamboni,

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Also I'm an alpha bitch.

starfanglednut March 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm

You have birdies?

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 7:36 pm

No, I draw the line at that, but I love sweetbreads.

Barb March 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I feed the outside birdies, hundreds of them a day.

Negropolis March 24, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Please tell me that sweetbread is both sweet and bread.

Limeylizzie March 24, 2012 at 11:20 pm
Negropolis March 25, 2012 at 3:30 am

Oh, god.

You guys don't waste a thing.

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