They were drunk, okay?

Check out the Senate, guys, they passed two whole major bills on Thursday! Don’t look now, but the JOBS Act to reduce regulations on small businesses and the STOCK Act to prevent insider trading in Congress — both already passed by the House — made it through the Senate by fairly convincing bipartisan margins. Where are the tears, the blood, the soiled Depends? A few theories: one, these two bills have fun acronyms that fit neatly into press releases going out to saturated constituent mailing lists in an election year when Congress continues to rank below mandatory anal probes for airline passengers in popularity, and two, SPRING BREAK HELL YES Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are sponsoring drug-fueled bipartisan orgies that have put everyone in a good mood. Let’s say number two. What have you won, America?

According to POLITICO, the JERBS Act will “ease a set of six Securities and Exchange Commission regulations intended to make it easier for companies to go public more quickly and raise money more easily” if it is passed by the House with the new Senate amendments. Sounds good, unless you are Senator Dick Durbin, whose two margarita minimum per session memo went straight to the spam folder:

“Why should investors choose to invest in companies under conditions that do less to protect their money?” said Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) on Thursday. “Why should investors who were burned during the dot-com crash put more capital in companies that are exempt from the same rules we put in place to ensure it would never happen again?”

Why must Dick Durbin rain on everyone’s Cancun beach day? How about the STOCK Act to prevent insider trading in Congress, The Hill?

“We passed a strong bill with teeth that will clearly and expressly make it illegal for members of Congress, their staff and their families to gain personal profits from nonpublic information gained through their service,” said Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.), a sponsor of the legislation.

Hooray! Well, more like “hooray minus the political intelligence regulations part” which is more like “sigh, fine” especially because it gives the moral high ground to Chuck Grassley:

The Senate action circumvents a thorny amendment sponsored by Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) requiring political intelligence operatives to regularly report their activity. The Senate adopted the Grassley proposal by a vote of 60-39 in February, but the GOP-controlled House opposed the Grassley’s language and did not include it in its version.

Grassley’s language would have dramatically expanded the disclosure of lobbying activities by requiring specialists who glean valuable information from Capitol Hill to register and report their activities after making even one contact to gather political intelligence. Hedge funds and other money managers pay top dollar for the information, which can be used to make lucrative trades.

In sum, the Senate has had as awkward a Spring Break as everyone else. [Politico/The Hill; Image via Shutterstock]

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  • Hahahaha, a Dog and Cat are hugging!

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Yeah, but the dog is thinking how he's going to rip the cat's larynx out & the cat is thinking how to scratch the dog's eyes out. Kumbaya, indeed.

    • widestanceromance

      Aren't there biblical warnings about a dog lying with cat as with dog?

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Real Old Testament, wrath of God type stuff.

      • oldedinvn

        Yep, it says that all things are good cuze gawd made all things,

  • Texan_Bulldog

    "SPRING BREAK HELL YES" Does this mean Harry Reid & Mitch McConnell are going to be in wet t-shirt contests and downing beer bongs?

    • Tits or GTFO!


    • MozakiBlocks

      That's a horrible metal image to give your fellow Wonketteers. Have you no shame sir?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. Hairy and Bitch would be huge tits even without the wet t-shirts.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Wonkette, just please no more pics of man boobs.

    • oldedinvn

      Sexist !!1!

  • freakishlywrong

    If these bills are "bi-partisan", with the asswipes in the current congress, we're all about to get butt raped.

    • So THAT'S what Biden was all "lubricating" about yesterday!

  • RedneckMuslin

    I think it means that the Democrats gave the Republicans everything they wanted. How else would a bill get passed?

    • Ruhe

      Yeah, isn't the new Republican motto "BOHICA for America".

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, but in return, this time, the Dems got a cookie!

      OK, it was half a cookie. And kind of stale…

  • They passed these bills because they're both complete b.s. that won't do shit.

    P.S. Good morning!

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    Chuck Grassley is a dumb ass fuckin' fossil turd. So is Durbin only not as old.

    • freakishlywrong

      My avatar has a pretend internet crush on your avatar.

    • KennyFuckingPowers

      Yes Go ahead. Your avatar can touch my mullet.

      • freakishlywrong

        Aaah yes, the Kentucky waterfall..

  • Dashboard Buddha

    OT – I'm glad that the sidebar thing is now gone. Why just this morning I bought a $99 ticket on AirTran, saved a couple of pigs and cats, and I did what I could do to protect children's health. This afternoon I may buy that book about New Jersey and that Swiffer sweeper vac looks tempting.

    • You get the phone number of that chick in the divorce ad? I'd like to tap that. Divorce sex is the best!

      • Dashboard Buddha

        No, but I'll try later. I'll be sure to pass it along if I get it. Too young for me…plus I like my lady just fine.

        Too right on the divorce sex though. Few things beat a good hategasm. I dated a divorcee once and things were fine until I started thinking of her as the "one". Things got ugly real fast after that. She was the one and I was the first one after her divorce.

        It was from her though that I learned the saying, "The one that loves least controls the relationship".

  • FakaktaSouth

    As long as I can still go dig through the Congress' trash (ew fetuses!) and find info without anybody knowing who I am and then sell it to K-Street – Woo Hoo Spring Break!!!! Call me, Spencer Bachus!!!

    (how'd I end up on Chuck Grassley's side? does he realize now this was a GOOD idea and did he vote against himself?)

  • America: the bestest country with the absolute bestest Congress!! Now take a few months off, world's bestest Congress!!!

  • I think they were just cleaning off their desks very quickly so that they could get on a plane to Florida. Gotta get a hold of the young male beach-volleyball players to discuss "bi"-partisanship.

    • Biff

      I'm not sure I'm ready to see Harry and Mitch in hoodies, though.

  • Another thorny amendment required Political Intelligence Operatives to wear their underwear on the outside.

    • elgin_pelican

      "Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now… 16 years old!"

  • I'm not sure this country is ready for the first ghey Senate…

    • elviouslyqueer

      Maybe not, but Lindsey Graham certainly wouldn't mind.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Grassley's language" – heh.

    • DaRooster

      HCf.jndcjk fjfn igfondehf;oj


  • smitallica

    Thank God Congress passed a law making it illegal for members to profit from trading on insider information, since there aren't already a whole shitload of laws making it illegal for ANYBODY to profit from trading on insider information.

    • Ruhe

      I'm thinking some sort of blanket prohibition on any form of financial activity involving any sort of securities for all members of congress during their term in office would be simple and efficient. Wonder why they didn't opt for that?

    • SorosBot

      Ah, but it is legal for Congrresscritters! What they've been profiting on is not technically insider information, but based on how new bills would impact the companies whose stock they were trading; and yes it was totally legal.

      • smitallica

        And why shouldn't it be? That's capitalism! Completely rigged, crooked, banana republic bullshit crony horse-trading capitalism, but still capitalism. USA! USA!!

  • Negropolis

    Biden promised to let the Congresscritters take a spin with him in his Bitchin' Camaro along the Redneck Riviera if they got these bills through.

    • Ruhe

      Yep. First they stop at the surf shop to pick-up DefLepard T-shirts for everybody then it's down to the Sand Bar for happy hour. (That's where they let the sixteen year olds drink.)

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        His parents drove it up from the Bahamas.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Come on down and I'll take you to the Florabama – we would have a hell of a time and probably come up with some of the MOST EXCELLENT policies. And now I'm off to listen to more DeadMilkmen.

      • C_R_Eature

        And don't forget to play some Crystal Shit!

    • C_R_Eature

      Props for the Dead Milkmen reference.

    • When will that brat pack learn never to let Bammerz take the wheel?

  • The GOPers got to show they did something besides masturbate about talking down "the other" Preznit, obstruct important legislation and… well masturbate some more.

    • freakishlywrong

      Aaaaaand the Deomcrats rolled for it.

  • Everybody sing: It's springtime for Congress in 'merica!

  • Bipartisan sounds dirty!

    • I know… or is it me with the dirty mind, when I picture *hawt* bipartsan sex between Gillibrand and Scott Brown, both of whom ran in special elections and both who exceed their peers in the looks and physique department?

      • Scott Brown better not be carpetbagging MY biscuit!

        Sorry…I got a little possessive there. I'm a New Yorker, after all. We get an awful lot of people coming here thinking they can just take from us….

    • elviouslyqueer

      Only if you're doing it right.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Beat me.

  • Negropolis

    Wait, can we all occupy Congress while they're away?

    Wait, scratch that. Can we fill the chamber with chimps in suits and dresses and suitcases? That'd be awesome.

    "The chair recognizes the gentlechimp from Georgia…"

  • mavenmaven

    Doesn't the Jerbs act have something to do with Richard Gere's bottom?

  • SorosBot

    "We passed a strong bill with teeth"

    Somehow the fact that this passed Congress easily makes me immediately suspect it had no teeth and will be easy to ignore.

    • It can also be used to accurately describe Mann Coulter's "vag."

    • PubOption

      According to a newspaper report I read this morning, the JOBS bill reduces financial disclosure rules for five years for start-up companies. I suspect that several start-ups will go out of business after about four years, and that the owners will set up in business again, a few blocks down the road, under a new name.

  • chascates

    This is just the drunken wedding reception before a long and loud divorce.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Now on to the campaigns: Who you callin' impediments to progress, hnnnghh?

  • Lucidamente1

    When do they release the Senators Gone Wild video?

    • I don't think I can take an hour of guys chanting "Show me your moobs!"

      • Biff

        This is good news for the cheap plastic beads industry!

  • DaRooster

    Keep big government outta Wall Street!!
    Don't they realize that the free market will control itself?

  • political intelligence operatives to regularly report their activity

    1. Lou Sarah whinge in 3, 2, 1…
    2. O'Keefe will have to report his attempts at pimping and vote fraud? Well perhaps not since it says "intelligence operative" and O'Keefe's last EEG was kinda flat-line.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Thus, it exempts Republicans.

  • Guppy

    Will Congress spend the next week in Oaxaca?

    • GortRay

      Girls of congress gone wild! Show us your tits Senator! Wooooo…

  • el_donaldo

    Man, this post-Ken Wonkette is seriously perky. Two posts up and it's not even noon. I wonder, does the Editrix prefer the whip or the cattle prod?

    There seems to be fewer ads, so I'm guessing the inducements aren't positive.

    • Limeylizzie

      It's because our new Wonkette Overlord is the owner of a pair of tits.

      • I would think the extra weight might slow her down.

        • Limeylizzie

          They give one immense power , confidence and sense of self.

          • This concept is unclear to me.

            Is there maybe a visual aid I might examine?

          • Boojum_Reborn

            Manipulables or GTFO.

      • el_donaldo

        Tits are a serious positive inducement, 'tis true.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    OT, though tangentially related to "bipartisanship and other myths": Wonkette alumna Juli Weiner has a nice article in the current Vanity Fair on how The West Wing shaped the way a lot of political operatives think about being political operatives, much the way All The President's Men nudged a previous generation of nerds into journalism, with similar fantasy-collides-with-reality undertones. It's a fun read (says the guy who's re-watching the series on DVD, this time with his 14 year old nerdling).

    Also, had I not looked it up in my browser history, I would not have noticed that the html tab shortcut thing (or whatever–I know not these computery terms) for the article includes a reference not in the actual article: "How Aaron Sorkin's West Wing Inspired a Legion of Lyman Wannabes" Well done, webnerds!

    • C_R_Eature

      Thanks for the reference, Doc. I remember that "senator filibustering a health-care bill " episode as one that particularly got to me, also.
      I know it's in vogue to be dismissive of anything in the media that puts a good face forward, but it's nice to see a Good Example once in a while.

      And…just how in hell does one grow up a fan of The West Wing and become Darryl Issa's Press Secretary? Riddle me that!

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Simple. One sees oneself as Ainsley Hayes, playing a role in the great drama of American Democracy, like in HMS Pinafore…or Penzance… you know, the one about duty.

        They're all about duty.

        • C_R_Eature

          "I am the very model of the Modern Major Asshole…"

          Yes, I see what you mean.

          EDIT: Should have used Major Genital!

  • thefrontpage

    The U.S. Senate also passed these bills this week:

    1. SB-69: Senate Bill 69 mandates that Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin engage in at least six nude chocolate pudding wrestling matches in a pro football stadium, for free, every year.

    2. SB-101: Senate Bill 101 allows for the immediate firing of Rush Limbaugh from radio broadcasting, and initates a lifetime ban on Limbaugh from appearing on any radio, television, film, internet, video, newspaper, magazine, newsletter entity, and from appearing in any other type of media.

    3. SB-699: Known as "The Felching Bill," Senate Bill 699 legalizes felching in all 50 U.S. states, in all territories, and in all property owned by the U.S. around the world. The bill also establishes every July 15 as "National Felching Day," and allows for the full support of the federal government for all national, state and local felching celebrations.

    4. SB-500: Senate Bill 500 allows for the creation of a new $15 paper bill, with Jenna Jameson on the bill. Congreesmen predict an immediate opening week of record sales for the new $15 bill.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, where are those bills on the important issues of the day?….

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Actually, I think Ron Paul should switch his pretend monetary policy to the Porn Standard. Talk about your intrinsic value!

  • hagajim

    That ought to take their approval rating up to -1.5.

  • oldedinvn

    All I know is that I feel safer in Ha Noi than I would in crazy land.
    Next weeks bill will probably be about making something about circles 3 even.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Well, that would be a Bloody Stupid thing to do…

  • ttommyunger

    One area we can always count on for BiPartisan Support in Congress is in the area of benefiting the Fat Cats. Well done, Fucko's!

  • Biff

    Is there any way I can get a Congressperson as my account manager? Because the one I have keeps losing me money.

  • dadanarchist

    Initially, that headline scared the shit out of me. Generally, Congress is only able to pull their shit together to bomb brown people, so I assumed we'd decided to nuke Iran.

  • lochnessmonster

    How many weeks do they get for spring break, three or four?

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