AND BIKINIS DON'T FORGET THE BIKINIS  9:44 am March 23, 2012

Senate Celebrates Spring Break With Free Love Festival of Bipartisan Votes

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

They were drunk, okay?

Check out the Senate, guys, they passed two whole major bills on Thursday! Don’t look now, but the JOBS Act to reduce regulations on small businesses and the STOCK Act to prevent insider trading in Congress — both already passed by the House — made it through the Senate by fairly convincing bipartisan margins. Where are the tears, the blood, the soiled Depends? A few theories: one, these two bills have fun acronyms that fit neatly into press releases going out to saturated constituent mailing lists in an election year when Congress continues to rank below mandatory anal probes for airline passengers in popularity, and two, SPRING BREAK HELL YES Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are sponsoring drug-fueled bipartisan orgies that have put everyone in a good mood. Let’s say number two. What have you won, America?

According to POLITICO, the JERBS Act will “ease a set of six Securities and Exchange Commission regulations intended to make it easier for companies to go public more quickly and raise money more easily” if it is passed by the House with the new Senate amendments. Sounds good, unless you are Senator Dick Durbin, whose two margarita minimum per session memo went straight to the spam folder:

“Why should investors choose to invest in companies under conditions that do less to protect their money?” said Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) on Thursday. “Why should investors who were burned during the dot-com crash put more capital in companies that are exempt from the same rules we put in place to ensure it would never happen again?”

Why must Dick Durbin rain on everyone’s Cancun beach day? How about the STOCK Act to prevent insider trading in Congress, The Hill?

“We passed a strong bill with teeth that will clearly and expressly make it illegal for members of Congress, their staff and their families to gain personal profits from nonpublic information gained through their service,” said Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.), a sponsor of the legislation.

Hooray! Well, more like “hooray minus the political intelligence regulations part” which is more like “sigh, fine” especially because it gives the moral high ground to Chuck Grassley:

The Senate action circumvents a thorny amendment sponsored by Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) requiring political intelligence operatives to regularly report their activity. The Senate adopted the Grassley proposal by a vote of 60-39 in February, but the GOP-controlled House opposed the Grassley’s language and did not include it in its version.

Grassley’s language would have dramatically expanded the disclosure of lobbying activities by requiring specialists who glean valuable information from Capitol Hill to register and report their activities after making even one contact to gather political intelligence. Hedge funds and other money managers pay top dollar for the information, which can be used to make lucrative trades.

In sum, the Senate has had as awkward a Spring Break as everyone else. [Politico/The Hill; Image via Shutterstock]

 
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{ 98 comments }

DerrickWildcat March 23, 2012 at 9:47 am

Hahahaha, a Dog and Cat are hugging!

Texan_Bulldog March 23, 2012 at 9:53 am

Yeah, but the dog is thinking how he's going to rip the cat's larynx out & the cat is thinking how to scratch the dog's eyes out. Kumbaya, indeed.

DerrickWildcat March 23, 2012 at 9:56 am

I think they are in love.

DaRooster March 23, 2012 at 10:01 am

Classic Puppy/Pussy love!

actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:13 am

Needs moar licking.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 10:12 am

Kitties can be surprisingly deceptive

Guppy March 23, 2012 at 10:20 am
actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:01 am

Only after teh buttsecks

widestanceromance March 23, 2012 at 10:20 am

Aren't there biblical warnings about a dog lying with cat as with dog?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 10:54 am

Real Old Testament, wrath of God type stuff.

oldedinvn March 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

Yep, it says that all things are good cuze gawd made all things,

Texan_Bulldog March 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

"SPRING BREAK HELL YES" Does this mean Harry Reid & Mitch McConnell are going to be in wet t-shirt contests and downing beer bongs?

actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:02 am

Tits or GTFO!

Wait…what?

MozakiBlocks March 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

That's a horrible metal image to give your fellow Wonketteers. Have you no shame sir?

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

Oh please. Hairy and Bitch would be huge tits even without the wet t-shirts.

littlebigdaddy March 23, 2012 at 9:49 am

Wonkette, just please no more pics of man boobs.

oldedinvn March 23, 2012 at 10:54 am

Sexist !!1!

freakishlywrong March 23, 2012 at 9:51 am

If these bills are "bi-partisan", with the asswipes in the current congress, we're all about to get butt raped.

actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:04 am

So THAT'S what Biden was all "lubricating" about yesterday!

RedneckMuslin March 23, 2012 at 9:51 am

I think it means that the Democrats gave the Republicans everything they wanted. How else would a bill get passed?

Ruhe March 23, 2012 at 10:04 am

Yeah, isn't the new Republican motto "BOHICA for America".

Lascauxcaveman March 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

Yeah, but in return, this time, the Dems got a cookie!

OK, it was half a cookie. And kind of stale…

ifthethunderdontgetya March 23, 2012 at 9:51 am

They passed these bills because they're both complete b.s. that won't do shit.

P.S. Good morning!
~

KennyFuckingPowers March 23, 2012 at 9:53 am

Chuck Grassley is a dumb ass fuckin' fossil turd. So is Durbin only not as old.

freakishlywrong March 23, 2012 at 9:55 am

My avatar has a pretend internet crush on your avatar.

KennyFuckingPowers March 23, 2012 at 10:04 am

Yes Go ahead. Your avatar can touch my mullet.

freakishlywrong March 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

Aaah yes, the Kentucky waterfall..

Dashboard Buddha March 23, 2012 at 9:53 am

OT – I'm glad that the sidebar thing is now gone. Why just this morning I bought a $99 ticket on AirTran, saved a couple of pigs and cats, and I did what I could do to protect children's health. This afternoon I may buy that book about New Jersey and that Swiffer sweeper vac looks tempting.

actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:14 am

You get the phone number of that chick in the divorce ad? I'd like to tap that. Divorce sex is the best!

Dashboard Buddha March 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

No, but I'll try later. I'll be sure to pass it along if I get it. Too young for me…plus I like my lady just fine.

Too right on the divorce sex though. Few things beat a good hategasm. I dated a divorcee once and things were fine until I started thinking of her as the "one". Things got ugly real fast after that. She was the one and I was the first one after her divorce.

It was from her though that I learned the saying, "The one that loves least controls the relationship".

FakaktaSouth March 23, 2012 at 9:54 am

As long as I can still go dig through the Congress' trash (ew fetuses!) and find info without anybody knowing who I am and then sell it to K-Street – Woo Hoo Spring Break!!!! Call me, Spencer Bachus!!!

(how'd I end up on Chuck Grassley's side? does he realize now this was a GOOD idea and did he vote against himself?)

johnnyzhivago March 23, 2012 at 9:54 am

America: the bestest country with the absolute bestest Congress!! Now take a few months off, world's bestest Congress!!!

EloquentScience March 23, 2012 at 9:55 am

I think they were just cleaning off their desks very quickly so that they could get on a plane to Florida. Gotta get a hold of the young male beach-volleyball players to discuss "bi"-partisanship.

Biff March 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I'm not sure I'm ready to see Harry and Mitch in hoodies, though.

johnnyzhivago March 23, 2012 at 9:57 am

Another thorny amendment required Political Intelligence Operatives to wear their underwear on the outside.

elgin_pelican March 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

"Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now… 16 years old!"

Chill-A-Sketch March 23, 2012 at 9:57 am

I'm not sure this country is ready for the first ghey Senate…

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

Maybe not, but Lindsey Graham certainly wouldn't mind.

OneYieldRegular March 23, 2012 at 9:59 am

"Grassley's language" – heh.

DaRooster March 23, 2012 at 10:14 am

HCf.jndcjk fjfn igfondehf;oj

#chuckgrassley

smitallica March 23, 2012 at 9:59 am

Thank God Congress passed a law making it illegal for members to profit from trading on insider information, since there aren't already a whole shitload of laws making it illegal for ANYBODY to profit from trading on insider information.

Ruhe March 23, 2012 at 10:06 am

I'm thinking some sort of blanket prohibition on any form of financial activity involving any sort of securities for all members of congress during their term in office would be simple and efficient. Wonder why they didn't opt for that?

SorosBot March 23, 2012 at 10:11 am

Ah, but it is legal for Congrresscritters! What they've been profiting on is not technically insider information, but based on how new bills would impact the companies whose stock they were trading; and yes it was totally legal.

smitallica March 23, 2012 at 10:17 am

And why shouldn't it be? That's capitalism! Completely rigged, crooked, banana republic bullshit crony horse-trading capitalism, but still capitalism. USA! USA!!

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:00 am

Biden promised to let the Congresscritters take a spin with him in his Bitchin' Camaro along the Redneck Riviera if they got these bills through.

Ruhe March 23, 2012 at 10:09 am

Yep. First they stop at the surf shop to pick-up DefLepard T-shirts for everybody then it's down to the Sand Bar for happy hour. (That's where they let the sixteen year olds drink.)

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 10:49 am

His parents drove it up from the Bahamas.

FakaktaSouth March 23, 2012 at 10:24 am

Come on down and I'll take you to the Florabama – we would have a hell of a time and probably come up with some of the MOST EXCELLENT policies. And now I'm off to listen to more DeadMilkmen.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

And don't forget to play some Crystal Shit!

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

Props for the Dead Milkmen reference.

Mumbletypeg March 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

When will that brat pack learn never to let Bammerz take the wheel?

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2012 at 10:01 am

The GOPers got to show they did something besides masturbate about talking down "the other" Preznit, obstruct important legislation and… well masturbate some more.

freakishlywrong March 23, 2012 at 10:38 am

Aaaaaand the Deomcrats rolled for it.

deanbooth March 23, 2012 at 10:02 am

Everybody sing: It's springtime for Congress in 'merica!

actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:02 am

Bipartisan sounds dirty!

Mumbletypeg March 23, 2012 at 10:40 am

I know… or is it me with the dirty mind, when I picture *hawt* bipartsan sex between Gillibrand and Scott Brown, both of whom ran in special elections and both who exceed their peers in the looks and physique department?

actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:46 am

Scott Brown better not be carpetbagging MY biscuit!

Sorry…I got a little possessive there. I'm a New Yorker, after all. We get an awful lot of people coming here thinking they can just take from us….

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

Only if you're doing it right.

Lascauxcaveman March 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

Beat me.

Negropolis March 23, 2012 at 10:02 am

Wait, can we all occupy Congress while they're away?

Wait, scratch that. Can we fill the chamber with chimps in suits and dresses and suitcases? That'd be awesome.

"The chair recognizes the gentlechimp from Georgia…"

Limeylizzie March 23, 2012 at 10:10 am
DaRooster March 23, 2012 at 10:16 am

No… 'cuz they're gone.

mavenmaven March 23, 2012 at 10:05 am

Doesn't the Jerbs act have something to do with Richard Gere's bottom?

SorosBot March 23, 2012 at 10:09 am

"We passed a strong bill with teeth"

Somehow the fact that this passed Congress easily makes me immediately suspect it had no teeth and will be easy to ignore.

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2012 at 10:11 am

It can also be used to accurately describe Mann Coulter's "vag."

PubOption March 23, 2012 at 12:02 pm

According to a newspaper report I read this morning, the JOBS bill reduces financial disclosure rules for five years for start-up companies. I suspect that several start-ups will go out of business after about four years, and that the owners will set up in business again, a few blocks down the road, under a new name.

chascates March 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

This is just the drunken wedding reception before a long and loud divorce.

Toomush_Infer March 23, 2012 at 10:11 am

Now on to the campaigns: Who you callin' impediments to progress, hnnnghh?

Lucidamente1 March 23, 2012 at 10:12 am

When do they release the Senators Gone Wild video?

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2012 at 10:16 am

I don't think I can take an hour of guys chanting "Show me your moobs!"

Biff March 23, 2012 at 1:38 pm

This is good news for the cheap plastic beads industry!

DaRooster March 23, 2012 at 10:17 am

Keep big government outta Wall Street!!
Don't they realize that the free market will control itself?

weej_bain March 23, 2012 at 10:17 am

political intelligence operatives to regularly report their activity

1. Lou Sarah whinge in 3, 2, 1…
2. O'Keefe will have to report his attempts at pimping and vote fraud? Well perhaps not since it says "intelligence operative" and O'Keefe's last EEG was kinda flat-line.

Boojum_Reborn March 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Thus, it exempts Republicans.

Guppy March 23, 2012 at 10:21 am

Will Congress spend the next week in Oaxaca?

GortRay March 23, 2012 at 11:34 am

Girls of congress gone wild! Show us your tits Senator! Wooooo…

el_donaldo March 23, 2012 at 10:39 am

Man, this post-Ken Wonkette is seriously perky. Two posts up and it's not even noon. I wonder, does the Editrix prefer the whip or the cattle prod?

There seems to be fewer ads, so I'm guessing the inducements aren't positive.

Limeylizzie March 23, 2012 at 10:41 am

It's because our new Wonkette Overlord is the owner of a pair of tits.

actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:45 am

I would think the extra weight might slow her down.

Limeylizzie March 23, 2012 at 10:51 am

They give one immense power , confidence and sense of self.

actor212 March 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

This concept is unclear to me.

Is there maybe a visual aid I might examine?

el_donaldo March 23, 2012 at 10:46 am

Tits are a serious positive inducement, 'tis true.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 10:45 am

OT, though tangentially related to "bipartisanship and other myths": Wonkette alumna Juli Weiner has a nice article in the current Vanity Fair on how The West Wing shaped the way a lot of political operatives think about being political operatives, much the way All The President's Men nudged a previous generation of nerds into journalism, with similar fantasy-collides-with-reality undertones. It's a fun read (says the guy who's re-watching the series on DVD, this time with his 14 year old nerdling).

Also, had I not looked it up in my browser history, I would not have noticed that the html tab shortcut thing (or whatever–I know not these computery terms) for the article includes a reference not in the actual article: "How Aaron Sorkin's West Wing Inspired a Legion of Lyman Wannabes" Well done, webnerds!

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

Thanks for the reference, Doc. I remember that "senator filibustering a health-care bill " episode as one that particularly got to me, also.
I know it's in vogue to be dismissive of anything in the media that puts a good face forward, but it's nice to see a Good Example once in a while.

And…just how in hell does one grow up a fan of The West Wing and become Darryl Issa's Press Secretary? Riddle me that!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

Simple. One sees oneself as Ainsley Hayes, playing a role in the great drama of American Democracy, like in HMS Pinafore…or Penzance… you know, the one about duty.

They're all about duty.

C_R_Eature March 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

"I am the very model of the Modern Major Asshole…"

Yes, I see what you mean.

EDIT: Should have used Major Genital!

thefrontpage March 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

The U.S. Senate also passed these bills this week:

1. SB-69: Senate Bill 69 mandates that Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin engage in at least six nude chocolate pudding wrestling matches in a pro football stadium, for free, every year.

2. SB-101: Senate Bill 101 allows for the immediate firing of Rush Limbaugh from radio broadcasting, and initates a lifetime ban on Limbaugh from appearing on any radio, television, film, internet, video, newspaper, magazine, newsletter entity, and from appearing in any other type of media.

3. SB-699: Known as "The Felching Bill," Senate Bill 699 legalizes felching in all 50 U.S. states, in all territories, and in all property owned by the U.S. around the world. The bill also establishes every July 15 as "National Felching Day," and allows for the full support of the federal government for all national, state and local felching celebrations.

4. SB-500: Senate Bill 500 allows for the creation of a new $15 paper bill, with Jenna Jameson on the bill. Congreesmen predict an immediate opening week of record sales for the new $15 bill.

Toomush_Infer March 23, 2012 at 10:59 am

Yeah, where are those bills on the important issues of the day?….

Boojum_Reborn March 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Actually, I think Ron Paul should switch his pretend monetary policy to the Porn Standard. Talk about your intrinsic value!

hagajim March 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

That ought to take their approval rating up to -1.5.

oldedinvn March 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

All I know is that I feel safer in Ha Noi than I would in crazy land.
Next weeks bill will probably be about making something about circles 3 even.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 23, 2012 at 11:15 am

Well, that would be a Bloody Stupid thing to do…

ttommyunger March 23, 2012 at 12:40 pm

One area we can always count on for BiPartisan Support in Congress is in the area of benefiting the Fat Cats. Well done, Fucko's!

Biff March 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Is there any way I can get a Congressperson as my account manager? Because the one I have keeps losing me money.

dadanarchist March 23, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Initially, that headline scared the shit out of me. Generally, Congress is only able to pull their shit together to bomb brown people, so I assumed we'd decided to nuke Iran.

lochnessmonster March 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

How many weeks do they get for spring break, three or four?

FakaktaSouth March 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

"The party don't start til I walk in"
We could EASILY make the place our own – which is how I survive in general – and tear down the walls. I'd do anything to have a wonkette confab in the motherfucking heart of dixie (yes, plumbing, buildings, fried food, internet AND HD!) but I know y'all would be scared. (and why, so it's cool)

Boojum_Reborn March 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Manipulables or GTFO.

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