WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE! President Obama Tells Birth Certificate Joke to Nice Lady in Oklahoma

  where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau

Aloha oeWONKET EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!!!1!! Barack Obama has just arrived in Cushing, OK, to talk about energy and supporting this pipeline doohickey if it’s safe, something something algae? On his way out, he stopped to shake hands with nice lady Donna Schoenkopf, who had apparently scammed her way in by pretending to be a reporter. “I was born in the same hospital as you, Kapiolani Hospital,” she gushed, at which he stopped and turned back. “Do you have a birth certificate?” he asked her, because now he is apparently hilarious as well. She reports exclusively to Wonkette that she did not have an awesome witty comeback, but just said, “Yeah.”

From a letter Schoenkopf wrote to Obama, inviting him to something called the Pottawattomie County Democrats St. Patrick’s Day Commie-Thon and Socialiststravaganza last week, which he did not attend:

I am sure you know that Oklahoma is the reddest state in the Union and we Democrats have had a tough time of it here. But we are a feisty bunch and we NEVER give up. We thought you would like to see what it’s like in the trenches. I mean, how great would it be for you to show up in Tecumseh, Oklahoma, population 6,457, in the heart of Republican territory?

It just takes my breath away to think about it.

Our lives have taken very similar paths. I am from Hawaii, too. I was born in the hospital YOU were born in (Kapiolani Maternity Hospital) in 1943. I was supposed to go to Punahou School, too, but my dad died when I was ten. He’s buried in Punch Bowl, as your grandfather is. My mother and brothers and I moved to the States (as it was called then) in 1953.

 
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I am a retired school teacher. Taught mostly third grade in the Inner City of Los Angeles for about twenty years. I am a version of a community organizer, too, came of age during the Civil Rights Movement, marched with Cesar Chavez, was my union rep for years, and got arrested for protesting nuclear testing in Nevada. Because I am from Hawaii, I have an intense love for the environment and even built my little house in the country in a sustainable, environmental way.

I am an ardent admirer of yours and … well, there are no words to express how I feel about you being the President of the United States of America.

Hope you can make it.

Aloha nui nui,
Donna Schoenkopf

Your liberal media at work.

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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194 comments

      1. Barb

        Is Mom going to be on The Young Turks? I never did get an answer to my wondering if Cenk smells like a yummy Cinnabon.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      “Schoenkopf” is such a common name, like “Smith,” so the nice lady could be related to 1/2 of Wonket.

  1. Andrew Drinker

    "Aloha nui nui,"

    OMFG WE WERE WRONG THE WHOLE TIME! It's Indonesian for "Good work in continuing the Muslim Communist Struggle, Comrade!"

    We've been duped! The jig is up!

    1. Ruhe

      Dude, you're a day behind. Didn't you see where it was revealed that the hand gesture B. Hussein used in that kid's video is actually Arabic sign-language for "keep your powder dry, my brother."???

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If she was born in Hawai'i in 1943, she wasn't born in America! Full investigation by Hannity & Cretins coming right up!

    1. Ruhe

      Is Mr. Rove travelling with the President this week? And anyway, doesn't he prefer the "other" sort of "news service"?

  2. nounverb911

    "WHERE THE LAULAU IS THE KAUKAU AT THE LUAU"
    Laulau is the clue to 34 Across in the NYT crossword today. Coincidence?

    1. CZL

      Oh my god. The socialist NYT is passing coded words to Muslim Surfer Terrorist cells? It's going down people. Wake up! RON PAUL AUDIT THE FED BUY GOLD

      1. not that Dewey

        Did I tell you about that time I had "PALIN", "ATONAL" and "DINGBAT" in adjacent down columns in a commie NYT puzzle? True story. Will Shortz carries water.

        1. user-of-owls

          I seem to recall that piece of 'serendipity' too. Too bad Shortz didn't go all in and change that clue for 43 Down: "A small piece of litter?" What a big airy-fay, irly-gay-an-may he is.

          1. not that Dewey

            He's awesome. What a job he has, too. Mrs D and I have very few rituals, but listening to the NPR puzzle show on Sunday morning is one of them, if only to hear him suppress a snicker at Lian Hansen's morning drunkenness.

            "Atonal dingbat Sarah Palin" sounds like a Newellism.

          2. user-of-owls

            I keep waiting for, "Electoral ruminant Grassley" to show up. Or even the newer vintage, "Vulgar Hate-Pencil Allen West," but noooo.

            I hope Lian drunk-bites his ear off next Sunday.

          3. not that Dewey

            Or just passes out.

            "I guess Lianne's not with us anymore. Name something in a given category such that the last two letters of the category's name are the first two letters of your answer. For example, given "U.S. state," the answer would be either "Texas" or "Tennessee."

  3. Umbrageofsnow

    St. Patrick’s Day Commie-Thon and Socialiststravaganza

    This sounds AWESOME. That is what I should call my next St. Patrick's Day party. Hell, that's too far away, this is what I shall call my election watching party in November.

    1. elgin_pelican

      Meh, he reads someone else's stuff off a teleprompter. The GOP, they write their own material!

  4. Barb

    Wow, my mom never did anything cool like that, Rebecca. It was all I could hope for that she would take the wrapper off the cheese slice before making my sammich.

      1. Barb

        Big Skull, once my sister Nancy had a bad cough in the middle of the night and Mom got out of bed and gave her a teaspoon of what she thought was cough syrup and it was Miss Clairol "mousy brown 203" and she had to take Nancy to the emergency room. When they got back I asked Nancy, "did you feel like you were dyeing inside?" She punched me in the face and it was worth it!

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Wow! I can't top that story, although I didn't eat soy sauce until I was 25 because my dad told me it was made out of rotten bones. My dads a lot like me in that when we don't know something we both just make shit up.

          1. flamingpdog

            As soon as I thought they were old enough to handle it, I started snarking on my own kids, with permission and even invitation for them to snark on me. All grown up now, they could post at teh Wonkette themselves, but they have lives.

          2. FROTHY

            My dad LOVED blue cheese, and he didn't want us decimating his stash, so he told us it was blue because all the worms living in it had left poop trails. We were too grossed out to ask (1) why their poop was BLUE, and (2) why he was eating worm-poop. He really enjoyed grossing us out.

          3. tessiee

            "soy sauce until I was 25 because my dad told me it was made out of rotten bones"

            I had an aunt with a very thick New England accent who refused to eat pepper (as in "salt and…") because, "It's full of rat teard".

          4. Negropolis

            My dads a lot like me in that when we don't know something we both just make shit up.

            Why, you and your dad never told me you guys were Republicans. ;)

        2. MozakiBlocks

          When they got back I asked Nancy, "did you feel like you were dyeing inside?"

          This is why I worship you from afar.

        3. Boojum_Reborn

          My brother (Lazy Media) once quietly recommended to our mother that she not eat the beets which she had just served to herself. When she asked why, he told her that it was because he had put some of the "pink powder" in them.

          The pink powder was either roach or rat poison.

    1. chicken_thief

      The first day I went to work for my uncle, the farmer, my mom drug her ass out of bed early to make a lunch for me. When lunch time rolled around I unwrapped my sandwiches to find that she'd overlooked putting anything on them – no meat, no cheese, no mustard or mayo. Just. fucking. bread. Bless her heart….

      1. Pat_Pending

        My mom sent me to school once with a lunch of saltine crackers and Tang. To her credit, I was going through a bit of a 'I don't like food anymore' phase, so I'm not sure if it was punishment or desperation.

    2. flamingpdog

      Did she pass the cheese slice around to the rest of the family for them to admire it before putting it in your sammich?

    3. Gunner Asch

      My wife and her sister joke(?) that their Mom's attitude was always "So I suppose you want a birthday cake again THIS year?"

  5. Goonemeritus

    “Marched with Cesar Chavez, was my union rep for years, and got arrested for protesting nuclear testing in Nevada.”

    Criminal and union thug, I’m sensing a pattern in our presidents associations.

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Everyone knows that Hawaii is just made up, like the moon landing. Rebecca's mommy is really a secret Kenyan muslim socialist Kenyan communist terrorist Muslim! Also!

  7. GreatChristiano

    Dang, Commiegirl Mommie built her own house?

    How does one pretend to be a reporter? I should try that sometime…

  8. freakishlywrong

    Barry effed up. He should have asked her if she had a "certificate of live birth", which we all know is not even good enough to quality for a passport. Which mine did.

    1. bloodandirony

      He should have tried to find out if she has "Kenyan anti-colonialist attitudes", also.

  9. hagajim

    Why would a Democrat – particularly a retired one – live in Okie? That is the million dollar question the media ought to be investigating.

    1. Geminisunmars

      Missionary work. She is trying to bring Democracy to the benighted. (And she is probably in cahoots with Dust-Bowl-Blues).

        1. Geminisunmars

          OMG. Wonkette and Oklahoma have been infilterated!!! (notice that the prez's name and that state end in the same letters!).

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Who knew that Oklahoma was just crawling with community organizers and professional leftists? That's probably why everyone's always saying how backwards it is and that we should stay away — if they find out about this socialist paradise they'd wreck it.

  11. OneYieldRegular

    I'm waiting for Drudge sirens and Ghost Andrew Breitbart to exploit this familial association by suddenly accusing Wonkette of being in the tank for Obama.

  12. Texan_Bulldog

    Your mom lives in Tecumseh, OK? Poor lady… You need to hit it big (translation: dump Wonkette for Vanity Fair or Gawker) & get her out of that God forsaken state.

  13. flamingpdog

    Wait a minute, your mommy left Hawaii to go to LA and then retired to Oklahoma? I knew there was no upward mobility in the US of A anymore, but moving downward*?

    *just ignore this post, Dust and OkieDokie.

  14. Ruhe

    Oh, Barry. Please, when you're on stage speechifying, be that guy. The guy whose so sure of his smarts that he's not afraid to be a bit of a smart-ass sometimes. Don't let that Cintonesque twang sneak in there.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I love wiseacre Barry, I would like him to be how he was at the Correspondents Dinner , when he was snarking all over Trump.

      1. Negropolis

        That has got to be the best I've ever seen him. In front of that crowd, he turned that lion into a little mouse.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      He has a great, spontaneous smile. He moves with the grace most tall men never manage. He's adorable when he sings. While ridiculing Trump about the decisions he has to make, days later everyone learns that the prez had just made a decision of some importance. Although it didn't involve Meatloaf.

  15. mavenmaven

    Yeah, yeah, we know Obama's mother had a good American birth certificate, so does yours, but do YOU, wonkette commie islamic editrix?

  16. flamingpdog

    Ha, ha, "Flowers for algae". I didn't even notice that the first time around, gorgeous redhead.

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      I would like to adopt her as the mother of the girl that I'm …. um ….

      I mean, auntie. Since I'm from Tennessee 'n all, auntie works just fine.

  17. bloodandirony

    President Santorum is no doubt drafting a plan to change all Hawaiian street signs and school names to English. (And/or revoke Hawaiian statehood.)

    1. James Michael Curley

      Hon, while we wait for the speaker, I'll go sit under this overhang to stay out of the sun.

    2. flamingpdog

      DAYUM, Barack, you weren't kidding about the mega-knockers. If I ever pulled up a picture of her and Benincasa together, it just might tip my monitor over.

  18. Extemporanus

    Rebecca, can awesome Commie Mom write a letter to get me out of jury duty, please?

    Judging by the stains and stench, I pretty sure that the previous occupant of my chair was dismissed after giving birth in it. I'm not sure I'm up for that.

    1. Barb

      Just tell them that you are going to pee in the jury pool (from the high diving board) It always gets me excused.

      1. RadioStalingrad

        He could also try drinking "mousy brown 203" and then punch the bailiff in the face.

      2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I always bring a copy of my "manifesto" written in crayon. Works every time. And I hardly even notice those FBI guys outside my house anymore.

        1. Extemporanus

          Thanks for the suggestions, upstanding citizens — I tried them all, but to no avail.

          Looks like I'm left with no choice but to pull out the big gun…

      1. AbandonHope

        Holy crap! I was out for one month, and my client was all whining "how do you not manage to get out of jury duty". I couldn't have stood 5.5.

      2. HuddledMass

        Civil or criminal? In other words, can you sleep through it and just hit the corporate defendant for the maximum? That would work…

        1. Extemporanus

          No idea, though the judge did mention more than once that it was a very complicated case with many moving parts, so I'm guessing that it was almost certainly civil.

          Maybe those late night mesothelioma class action commercials are finally making some headway…

        1. Extemporanus

          Nope! They're one angry man short of a baker's dozen, hooray!

          The initial pool of prospective jurors was nearly 450 peeps deep (!), which is why it took so Jesus-fucking-long for the judge to review and dismiss all of us good-fer-nuthin', life-havin', "hardship" whiners.

          The only bright spot in the whole drawn-out, dreary affair was this pixxxie-sexxxy Middle Eastern "Amelie"-esque amuse bouche with perpetual puppy dog eyes and pouty smirk.

          Le sigh…

  19. chicken_thief

    “Do you have a birth certificate?” he asked her….

    Did he speak these words or use the secret gangsta mooslin hand signs like he did yesterday?

  20. RadioStalingrad

    The internet is abuzz with this exclusive. WorldNutDaily headline: Obama Makes Flippant Remark To Well Connected Jewish Marxist About Birth Certificate!!!!

  21. Mahousu

    I have to say, Donna's English is pretty good for a foreigner. A little too good, perhaps.

  22. BlueStateLibel

    Can she remember seeing him in the hospital where they were both just born – because that would help Obama a lot.

  23. HelmutNewton

    "On his way out, he stopped to shake hands with nice lady Donna Schoenkopf…"

    It was a set-up by our editrix! Danged librul media!

  24. The_Trainman

    Whoa, fanclub police, pull over! I had to check the url of this page after reading the story and some of the comments. The unabashed love for the sitting President made me think that maybe I had logged in to that horror blog DemocraicUnderground where a critical comment like mine would get me banned.

    1. flamingpdog

      DU has never been the same since the demise of Top Ten Conservative Idiots. But the comments have always been on the lame side.

  25. barto

    Schoenkopf, Schoenkopf, where have I heard that name?

    OK witty come back test line #1: "No, can I borrow yours?"

  26. Tundra Grifter

    'Donna Schoenkopf…pretending to be a reporter."

    That worked out so well for Jason Mattera now everybody is giving it a try!

  27. DustBowlBlues

    What a pleasant surprise to see OK in the headline and not be embarrassed by it. Your mom's in Pott County, Rebecca? Say "hi" to her from the other OK Democrat. The one who lives in Pawnee County.

    1. commiegirl

      You may. She spent her teens in Shawnee then moved to LA in the 60s. She was a Behlen then. And a beauty queen.

    1. commiegirl

      Eric, try to remember that I am a lady of almost 40. If people choose to fap, well, more power me. Also, you are not the Catholic Church and do not get to decide who faps me. However: You, sniper, duly noted.

      1. commiegirl

        Eric is perfectly happy with dudes fapping to him. He is pro-everybody. Also, he works in SF City Hall, so pretty sure he's used to it.

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          Then he'll fit in innit.

          Hmm, how to write this without sounding like a suckup? I'm seeing names in the comments which I've not seen for ages. You're obviously doing something right.

          Thank you.

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          Zackly. It's all about the (supposed) wit and making each other laugh here.

          Your sis is doing a cracking job.

    2. Blendergoathead

      Dear commiebro,

      Welcome to Wonkette – just to soothe your macho, savage darkie-killing soul…

      tits or GTFO.

      too soon?

    3. Negropolis

      I, for one, finally welcome our Schoenkopf overlords.

      As a lowly, hoodie-wearing blah, I have no other choice when firearms are involved.

    1. commiegirl

      I tried to tell her before she moved back that she would be burned for a witch, but she chose not to believe me.

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