people who are just doing their jobs

Joe Arpaio Demands Barack Obama’s 1980 Selective Service Card

So gayArizona humiliation Sheriff Joe Arpaio has called on the Director of U.S. Selective Service System to have his agency “conduct an investigation into Barack Obama’s Selective Service registration form from 1980.” Ha! Here’s what you should tell him, Director of U.S. Selective Service System Lawrence G. Romo: No, you dumphead. Then again, Joe Arpaio did just “run an investigation” (watch granny porn in his office) for six months that very well may have proved Obama’s birth certificate is a fake, so maybe various federal government bureaucrats have no choice but to let Arpaio annoy them all day, every day, until the end of time.

Arpaio, who is the sheriff of a county police department in Arizona, “claims he is just doing his job,” according to KTAR.

Arpaio is asking for a response within 30 days. If no response is given, he will then decide if his office will move forward with its own investigation.

“While my office will continue pursuing this investigation, I have spoken of the need to enlist the aid of other agencies,” Arpaio said. “As a first step to that end, I am now requesting the assistance of the U.S. Selective Service System asking them to conduct a concurrent investigation to verify the authenticity of this document.”

Related video

Arpaio will next harass flamingos and giraffes at the National Zoo about enlisting their federal services in his investigation, and they will bite off his penis. What are they hiding?

[KTAR]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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104 comments

      1. actor212

        And registration was actually eliminated in 1975, altho Carter retroactively re-established it in 1980 for men born after Jan 1, 1960. Of course, by then, Obama was already a member of Al Qaeda.

  1. Arken

    So basically every document about Barack Obama is fake. Maybe he doesn't even really exist.

    WHAT IF OBAMA IS SAUL ALINSKY IN BLACKFACE?!

  2. Barb

    "Arpaio will next harass flamingos and giraffes at the National Zoo about enlisting their federal services in his investigation, and they will bite off his penis."

    I feel sorry for the giraffe. It will take him forever to vomit said tiny penis.

    1. BornInATrailer

      Much like all of Joe's previous lovers (oh, just threw up) there will be a lot of unused throat.

  3. hagajim

    Oh Joe…you fucking card! I would think the taxpayers of whatever fuck county you are sherrfff of might just want you to – I don't know – police the fucking county you are in! Just sayin'.

    1. Ruhe

      Hurts me to dis a lot of people I don't know but I'd be willing to guess that his constituents are simply tickled with Joe's "investigation'.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I find it hard to believe that his embarassment on a national level still gets re-elected by his constituents.

    3. Toomush_Infer

      Re-election is mostly just having people recognize your name….it's cheaper than changing it to Bozo.T. Clown….

    4. HarryButtle

      Yes, as a matter of fact, we'd really appreciate it if Sheriff Joe would just shut the fuck up and do his damn job. Between the federal investigations and the fact that he's got some real competition for the office this time around, I think maybe we can finally rid ourselves of this clown.

    5. ChessieNefercat

      Joe's fans think this investigation is awesome, and the last thing in the world his sane constituents want him to do is his version of his job; rounding up the browns, harassing and starving prisoners, ignoring sexual assault cases, etc. They probably figure everyone is better off with him fruitlessly trying to prove something that just isn't so.

  4. Extemporanus

    Hey Joe, I'm currently at the federal courthouse in San Francisco, just doing my job (jury duty).

    Need anything?

  5. elviouslyqueer

    In accordance with House Rules, I will not wish death or disfigurement on anyone. But if Arpaio happens to get clocked by a wayward meteor or bopped in the noggin by a block of blue ice, I wouldn't exactly be unhappy.

    1. AlterNewt

      "But if Arpaio happens to get clocked by a wayward meteor or bopped in the noggin by a block of blue ice, I wouldn't exactly be unhappy."

      An admirable rendering of what we might call the 'passive death wish'.

      Should be perfectly acceptable..

  6. Terry

    It's good to hear that that Arizona county is so darn peaceful that their sheriff has nothing to do but investigate birthers' wet dreams.

    1. unclejeems

      Well, all the stoners are in jail, and the Mexicans have been sent home. That leaves a native population of 6.

  7. memzilla

    Sheriff Joe — the three-meter diving board at the Swimming Pool of Crazy.

    Psst! Joe! Maybe you could retire to Florida? I hear there's a sheriff job opening up soon.)

  8. SorosBot

    He "claims he is just doing his job"? No, his job involves investing crimes and arresting the culprits; just as it does not involve arresting people for not being white, or unconstitutionally torturing prisoners, it does not involve harassing the President of the United States over baseless conspiracy theories that have been disproven over and over again.

    Still, at least if he sticks to this bullshit no one is tortured. Oh and why the fuck is this sadistic criminal psychopath not in jail yet?

    1. Toomush_Infer

      OK Soros – what crimes are you suggesting he invest in..? …share the wealth here…

    2. pdiddycornchips

      Sheriff Joe is a fame whore. He loves to see his name in the news. If it wasn't this, he'd be doing something else even more destructive. Obama can handle one more wingnut chasing the birf certificate fairy. Let him tilt at this windmill for a while.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        "Let him tilt at this windmill for a while."

        And then can we suddenly speed up the windmill to plane propeller speeds? Hmm? (I just think it would be fun to watch him tilt really quickly! That's all!)

  9. Terry

    That photo brought a question to mind that I hadn't considered. In jail, your laundry or underwear in particular doesn't stay specifically yours? Do you wear a pair, toss it in with everyone elses, then you get clean ones that could have been worn by anyone else in the jail who is your size?

    I'm frankly skeeved out by this prospect.

  10. rickmaci

    Aren't there laws in Arizona that prevent mentally unbalanced people from having access to firearms? This guy's toes seem to be a bit over the line on that score, based on what I am reading about him.

    1. FraAnima

      There's nothing in the Constitution about mentally unbalanced people! Keep your damn socialist hands off of my 2nd amendment rights! (and my thorazine).

    2. Mahousu

      Arizona law currently requires mentally unbalanced people* to have firearms.


      * Mexicans not included.

  11. Umbrageofsnow

    You know, I always had ambitions of becoming some high-level government bureaucrat, but maybe getting elected county sheriff has more power after all. I mean, Arpaio has all the power of the FBI director it would seem, to be able to spend so much time and resources on investigating this Hawaiian-born Illinoisian in D.C..

    Maybe he'd have better luck with the records he wants if he could get the county clerk of Bumfuck County, GA to lend his considerable authority too.

    1. chicken_thief

      I wish I was that optimistic. Somehow I see the issue being drug up forever. Every complaint about a Republican President will be answered with a knee jerk "well, at least he was born in this country!!!!"

  12. Callyson

    "I'm not accusing anyone right now of any violation of law," Arpaio said. "However when you look at the birth certificate and the selective service form I think there's pretty good evidence that there's a possible forgery."
    Pretty good evidence: "Hey, here's another crackpot idea to try out…"

    1. ChessieNefercat

      I looked at the birth certificate too and it didn't look like a forgery at all. In fact, it looked just like my son's. So take that, Joe.

      And come to think of it, we were called haoles and not in a good way when we lived in Hawaii and i would think that if the state were handing out crappily forged birth certificates, they would be doing it to whitey, not the melting pot people.

  13. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I have just won Barry's election for him. Here's how:

    You remember the coffee mugs with the long-form birth certificate? Every fucking time some nimrod asks for a new thing, he should produce it, stick it on a coffee mug, and make it available for dems to purchase.

    This could be his report cards, his college transcript, and his marriage license. "Collect the whole series, and commemorate the 2012 election with the Barack Obama Fully Legitimate™ Dinner Plates. Flatware sold separately."

    Mitt Romney would shit a platinum brick.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Once you get the whole series, you'll receive a free director's cut of The Lion King, commemorating the land of President Obama's birth! (Psst, you'll have to wait for that until after the election.)
        /snark

  14. SoBeach

    I will not be the least bit surprised when this idiot publicly demands — with a straight face — a DNA sample from the President.

  15. GOPCrusher

    I'm glad Joe has things running so smoothly in Maricopa County that he has time to deal with matters that are clearly above his pay grade.
    While you're at it, Joe, have your investigation find George Bush's Air National Guard records.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Good gravy — Arpaio's gonna flog this nonsense like a rented mule, 'cause his friend Jerome Corsi ("Dr. Jerome Corsi" to his fans) finds imaginary discrepancies anytime he looks at documents that belong to the president. But it's interesting how someone who was groomed from birth to be president would have missed the simple and obvious step of registering for selective service.

    If anyone's interested, I found this summary of the SSS registration card bullshit. Took me about two minutes if Mr. Arpaio wants to lay his concerns to rest.

  17. ttommyunger

    Joe R. Piehole looks more ghey than usual in this pix, for some reason. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  18. WhatTheHeck

    For your information, sheriff, Obama served in the German army in the ’30s and ’40s on account of him being a socialist nazi.

  19. mavenmaven

    Arpaio knows a lot about authentic documents as he spends his whole day generating authentic butt-xeroxes on his copy maching.

  20. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "[W]hen you look at the birth certificate and the selective service form I think there's pretty good evidence that there's a possible forgery."

    He's right! The signatures don't match!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. DaRooster

    This Joe Arpaio guy sounds like a dick.
    I am truly surprised he is still "walking around".

  22. Pop_Socket

    It's never ending. After the college transcripts and the selective service card it will be a list of books he checked out from the middle school library. Er, madrassa.

  23. GeorgiaBurning

    Isn't Obama supposed to be a Chicago politician? Somebody in the DOJ should look up Selective Service registration and outstanding warrants (including child support) on the Maricopa County Sheriff's Department employees, especially anybody over the rank of sergeant. Or at least have GAO do an audit on how that money they gave the sheriff for "homeland security" was spent.

  24. sezme

    Just to save Joe Arpendejo the time, I never did fill out my Selective Service card. And furthermore, he can tonguejack my elephantine shitbox, unless he's into that, which he probably is.

  25. MegPasadena

    “While my office will continue pursuing this investigation, …"

    Why does he still have an office?

  26. HistoriCat

    However when you look at the birth certificate and the selective service form I think there's pretty good evidence that there's a possible forgery

    So has he already seen the Selective Service form or is he already drawing conclusions?

  27. JustPixelz

    The person they should be after is that incompetent Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. He is Constitutionally charged with administering the Oath of Office which made Barack Obama legally the President of the United States. But did he check Obama's birth certificate or Selective Service records or whether it was a different Barack Obama Jr born in Hawaii that day? Impeach Roberts.

  28. notgross

    Well, to be perfectly honest, if they have his SSN, they can go online and get his registration info (assuming it isn't blocked). I'm sure there's someone out there with his SSN (former employers, schools, creditors, landlords).

    Though I doubt there are any laws that disqualify him from office, even if he didn't, so Joe isn't exactly enforcing anything.

  29. BTWBFDIMHO

    So the job description for a Sheriff in Arizona includes spending months investigating a President born in Hawaii?

  30. Abernathy

    "Arizona humiliation Sheriff Joe Arpaio"

    If only the people of Arizona had enough decency to feel humiliated by Arpaio, they could vote him out of office and relieve the rest of us of our fremdschämen.

  31. DahBoner

    Damn! I hate it when you wash a load of whites with one single red shirt.

    They always come out pink, just like Sherrif Joke's Commie Pinko shorts…

Comments are closed.