this whole court is out of order!

California Birthers, in Rare Moment of Consistency, Target Romney as Unnatural Unborn Uncitizen

Send her to Abu GhraibEveryone knows, correct, that Mitt Romney’s dad, Ol’ “Messican George” Romney, was born in Mexico because his own dad had fled the US so he could keep all his trillion wives, si, claro? Weeellll, there’s a last best straw currently being grasped at by those few (a third to half of all Republicans) who claim our own Bammerz is ineligible for the presidency he has held for the past three years. And that last best straw is one that seeks to forget a good solid century of settled case law and send back to China all those members of the Yellow Peril while they’re at it. Goodbye, heathen Chinee! Unfortunately, Mitt Romney is also a heathen Chinee. Friendly fire, what can you do?

US v. Wong Kim Ark was decided in 1898, and affirmed that anyone born on US soil was a US citizen. (That’s right; Chinese weren’t “citizens” until a hundred years ago.) This was noteworthy because it undermined the veeeery racist Chinese Exclusion Act and was one of the few times when the intersection of race, the law and the courts didn’t result in a lynching. Perhaps you studied Wong Kim Ark in graduate school? TRICK QUESTION. “College” is for snobs; “Graduate school” gets you sent straight to the camps!

Anyway, a whole pile of Bachmanns out in Californy is still suing to get Obammerz tossed in Gitmo, including a dude who is running for president hisself, as a write-in candidate — John Albert Dummett, Jr., you guys heard of him? Sure he’ll do great! Now, these good people say BO was born in Kenya (everyone knows that) but just in case he wasn’t, his dad was born in Kenya, so if we just forget Wong Kim Ark (ACTIVIST JUDGES!), etc., etc., and by the way Mitt Romney is a filthy foreign also too and thus i.e. therefore ergo must also go to Gitmo. Rick Santorum’s dad was born in Italy we heard? Let’s be sure and “toss” him too. Hail to the ChiefThat leaves Newt and Ron Paul, but Newt was adopted? Do we even know who Newt’s father is? And nobody likes Ron Paul.

That leaves only Orly Taitz, who will be your next president. Congratulations America! Good job! [Orange County Register]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. OneYieldRegular

      Someone just brought me a copy of the New Yorker with that story lovingly portrayed on the cover. It may be the best New Yorker cover since Harold Ross worked there.

  1. skoalrebel

    Y'all are just not getting it right. [spit!] When the Constitution requires that the president be a "natural born citizen," that's just a fancy way of sayin' "no niggers."

      1. actor212

        Or George Washington, if you're blah.

        Thomas Jefferson, too. Abe Lincoln. Ulysses S Grant. Harry Truman. FDR. Grover Cleveland.

        HOLY CRAP! We have a full blown constitutional crisis on our hands!

  2. samsuncle

    Those morans will blow a gasket when they find out that humans evolved out of …….Oh my God…..AFRICA.

  3. johnnyzhivago

    Timeline: 2013

    The United States of America is officially dissolved after slipping into chaos following the historic "United States vs. Barack Obama" ruling in the Supreme Court which determined that due to a grammatical error, no one was actually qualified to hold the office of the President.

  4. BarackMyWorld

    Obama, Romney, and Santorum are all lawyers.
    Obama, Romney, and Santorum all had fathers born in another country.


  5. LiveToServeYa

    You know, I don't think the 'natural-born citizen' rule covers people born Caesarian. Likewise, 'on U.S. soil' precludes those giving birth in hospital beds. You have to get low-down, dirty and au naturel.

        1. Biff

          As long as it's in a 'Merkin rice paddy. Let's see–California and Arkansas have lots of rice, we've already elected candidates fro both those places. Well reagan shouldn't really count, he wasn't a native Californio, after all…

      1. LiveToServeYa

        He was a scary bastard, carrying those boughs from Birnam wood and all: the inventor of camo.

    1. Callyson

      The CA Republicans, on the other hand, are double Dummetting down…
      Laguna Niguel attorney Orly Taitz, known nationwide for efforts to prove President Barack Obama is not a natural-born citizen, is leading the Republican field in the reelection bid of U.S. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., according to a poll by another Republican in the race.
      Senator Feinstein, calm down and stop that hysterical laughter. At least compose yourself until you get to the office.

  6. Biff

    My theory is that newt was adopted from an Irish orphanage, because he looks like a fucking potato.

        1. Steverino247

          Just 60 miles, 60 miles down the San Ber'dino Freeway.
          That GOP bullshit makes you choke all day.
          (That's right!)

    1. Pop_Socket

      Thank goodness we dodged that bullet. Think of the hundreds of frivolous law suits we would have had to endure if he had been elected. Wait. He's not black, is he? Never mind.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    From the OC, not making this up:

    The attorney handling the suit is Gary Kreep

    But is he a natural born creep? The mutant spelling tells me this alien must forfeit his inalienable rights as our nation already has a surfeit of regular creeps.

  8. donner_froh

    The attorney handling the suit is Gary Kreep, who earlier had a fallout with Laguna Niguel attorney and U.S. Senate candidate Orly Taitz

    Orly usually gets along so well with creeps–surprising about Gary.

  9. James Michael Curley

    Newt was not adopted, he was adapted.
    From what? We'll let you know when the DNA tests are back.

  10. thefrontpage

    CONTACT: Lloyd Braun, Campaign Headquarters, Saltpeter, Utah, (555) 555-1212.

    Saltpeter, Utah (March 22, 2012)—Mitt Romney officially announced today, Thursday, March 22, 2012, that he was indeed born in American Samoa, a U.S. territory, to a Mormon father and an American Samoa Princess, Mary Beckford Samoa, while his father was doing missionary work in the U.S. territory. Since American Samoa is a U.S. territory, Romney is a naturalized U.S. citizen. "I love American Samoa, and all of the fine American Samoan residents, and I am proud of my great American Samoan heritage, and, unlike an Etch-a-Sketch, I will always have my American Samoan heritage as a part of me," Romney said during a press release at his Utah campaign headquarters in Saltpeter, Utah. "By the way, I'm also looking forward to the national release of 'The Hunger Games' tomorrow, Friday, March 23."

  11. GreatChristiano

    And I thought all those "birther" people were republicans just pickin' on O'bammer…

    So according to our title, Romney is still unborn?

  12. Guppy

    Kenyans, Panamanians, Mexicans… next thing you know, we'll elect a president whose first language is… I dunno, Dutch?

  13. JustPixelz

    Santorum likes to brag about his grandfather coming over from Greece or wherever. Grandfather not citizen means Santorum's father is not a citizen. Santorum's father not a citizen means Santorum is not a citizen. Unless the DNA shows his mother was, um, impure and Ronald Reagan is his daddy.

  14. Callyson

    The attorney handling the suit is Gary Kreep, who earlier had a fallout with Laguna Niguel attorney and U.S. Senate candidate Orly Taitz – among the best known of lawyers pressing the case of Obama’s birthright.
    Dummett & Kreep, indeed…

  15. Come here a minute

    It's no surprise that birthers have the same opinion of Mormons and blah people — "not one of us".

  16. Redhead

    "And nobody likes Ron Paul. "

    Paul's dad was a hobbit, ergo ipso facto thereforandwhatsitwhosenotetc, Paul is ineligible.

  17. mavenmaven

    Not only is Romney ineligible to run, but his hero stories about saving men under his command on the Swift boats is also a lie.

  18. OneYieldRegular

    When you really get down to it, only Chief Crazy Horse is qualified to be President.

  19. imissopus

    From page 236 of Nixonland:

    The didn't trust Romney – a situation not helped by the mysterious pamphlets that started circulating: "Supreme Court Declares Romney Not Eligible Under The Constitution." (Romney had been born while his parents were in Mexico.)

    That's George Romney, and this happened during the NH primaries in '68. Same as it ever was.

  20. tcaalaw

    a whole pile of Bachmanns

    I thought it was "gaggle" of Bachmanns and a "pile" of Gingrinches?

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