THIS WHOLE COURT IS OUT OF ORDER!  10:50 am March 22, 2012

California Birthers, in Rare Moment of Consistency, Target Romney as Unnatural Unborn Uncitizen

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Send her to Abu GhraibEveryone knows, correct, that Mitt Romney’s dad, Ol’ “Messican George” Romney, was born in Mexico because his own dad had fled the US so he could keep all his trillion wives, si, claro? Weeellll, there’s a last best straw currently being grasped at by those few (a third to half of all Republicans) who claim our own Bammerz is ineligible for the presidency he has held for the past three years. And that last best straw is one that seeks to forget a good solid century of settled case law and send back to China all those members of the Yellow Peril while they’re at it. Goodbye, heathen Chinee! Unfortunately, Mitt Romney is also a heathen Chinee. Friendly fire, what can you do?

US v. Wong Kim Ark was decided in 1898, and affirmed that anyone born on US soil was a US citizen. (That’s right; Chinese weren’t “citizens” until a hundred years ago.) This was noteworthy because it undermined the veeeery racist Chinese Exclusion Act and was one of the few times when the intersection of race, the law and the courts didn’t result in a lynching. Perhaps you studied Wong Kim Ark in graduate school? TRICK QUESTION. “College” is for snobs; “Graduate school” gets you sent straight to the camps!

Anyway, a whole pile of Bachmanns out in Californy is still suing to get Obammerz tossed in Gitmo, including a dude who is running for president hisself, as a write-in candidate — John Albert Dummett, Jr., you guys heard of him? Sure he’ll do great! Now, these good people say BO was born in Kenya (everyone knows that) but just in case he wasn’t, his dad was born in Kenya, so if we just forget Wong Kim Ark (ACTIVIST JUDGES!), etc., etc., and by the way Mitt Romney is a filthy foreign also too and thus i.e. therefore ergo must also go to Gitmo. Rick Santorum’s dad was born in Italy we heard? Let’s be sure and “toss” him too. Hail to the ChiefThat leaves Newt and Ron Paul, but Newt was adopted? Do we even know who Newt’s father is? And nobody likes Ron Paul.

That leaves only Orly Taitz, who will be your next president. Congratulations America! Good job! [Orange County Register]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 101 comments }

Barb March 22, 2012 at 10:53 am

Wow, this is even funnier than his dog and the "piddler on the roof" story.

OneYieldRegular March 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Someone just brought me a copy of the New Yorker with that story lovingly portrayed on the cover. It may be the best New Yorker cover since Harold Ross worked there.

Barb March 22, 2012 at 9:07 pm

I saw that and loved it!

ManchuCandidate March 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

Paid for by the "Santorum is a REAL US America Name, just like Smith and Taintz" Committee.

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

John Albert Dummett, Jr., you guys heard of him?

Endorsed by Red Foxx on Sanford and Son weekly, yes, I know him

MosesInvests March 22, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Aka Lamont U. B. I. G Dummett.

johnnyzhivago March 22, 2012 at 10:58 am

Prove your grandmother was actually on the Mayflower or GTFO!

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 10:59 am

You got an old grandma there, son.

nounverb911 March 22, 2012 at 11:00 am

What if she was the "Mayflower Madam"?

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 11:01 am

Meta, dude.

DaRooster March 22, 2012 at 11:05 am

Shh… you are getting John Edwards excited.

skoalrebel March 22, 2012 at 10:58 am

Y'all are just not getting it right. [spit!] When the Constitution requires that the president be a "natural born citizen," that's just a fancy way of sayin' "no niggers."

Biff March 22, 2012 at 11:06 am

Sadly, true. All the rest would just be collateral damage, acceptable in combat.

teebob2000 March 22, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Clearly an impostor, what with his spelling/pronouncing "Constitution" correctly.

ThundercatHo March 22, 2012 at 10:58 am

But doesn't Mitt-bot need to qualify as a natural built citizen?

GeorgiaBurning March 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

It gets complicated with the component outsourcing.

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 10:59 am

Yerrow Gull Fol Plesident! She rove you rong time!

nounverb911 March 22, 2012 at 11:02 am

Karl Rove is yellow girl?

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

He gots a purty mouf.

GeorgiaBurning March 22, 2012 at 11:38 am

the popular euphemism is "foot massage"

Chet Kincaid March 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

I don't get it.

nounverb911 March 22, 2012 at 11:00 am

Romney's birth certificate was printed on an Etch-A-Sketch?

johnnyzhivago March 22, 2012 at 11:00 am

Ron Paul is automatically disqualified due to the "two first names restriction" in the Constitution.

Chichikovovich March 22, 2012 at 11:05 am

Chester Arthur libel!

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 11:07 am

Or George Washington, if you're blah.

Thomas Jefferson, too. Abe Lincoln. Ulysses S Grant. Harry Truman. FDR. Grover Cleveland.

HOLY CRAP! We have a full blown constitutional crisis on our hands!

chicken_thief March 22, 2012 at 11:48 am

Ronald Reagan is exempt, of course.

imissopus March 22, 2012 at 6:38 pm

William Harrison. Woodrow Wilson. Teddy and Franklin Roosevelt. It just goes on and on.

chascates March 22, 2012 at 11:00 am

Still waiting for Trig's birth certificate. And Andrew Breitbart's death certificate.

samsuncle March 22, 2012 at 11:02 am

Those morans will blow a gasket when they find out that humans evolved out of …….Oh my God…..AFRICA.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

hahaha – evolved. MAH GRANPAPPY AIN'T NOT NO MONKEH!

Steverino247 March 22, 2012 at 2:25 pm

And now you know the true reason why Darwin's theory is under attack.

memzilla March 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

So it's actualy Guante Romnirez, Ricardo Santos, and Tritón Gingrico?

johnnyzhivago March 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

Timeline: 2013

The United States of America is officially dissolved after slipping into chaos following the historic "United States vs. Barack Obama" ruling in the Supreme Court which determined that due to a grammatical error, no one was actually qualified to hold the office of the President.

AddHomonym March 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

Orthography is destiny!

BarackMyWorld March 22, 2012 at 11:04 am

Obama, Romney, and Santorum are all lawyers.
Obama, Romney, and Santorum all had fathers born in another country.

COINCIDENCE???

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 11:08 am

We must therefore bomb Iran, QED

chascates March 22, 2012 at 11:18 am

And they all three wear ties, the most diabolical invention ever devised. I suspect a plot.

LiveToServeYa March 22, 2012 at 11:04 am

You know, I don't think the 'natural-born citizen' rule covers people born Caesarian. Likewise, 'on U.S. soil' precludes those giving birth in hospital beds. You have to get low-down, dirty and au naturel.

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 11:09 am

You make childbirth sound so…..sexy.

Biff March 22, 2012 at 11:10 am

So by that logic, only Mexicans birthed to farm labor mothers qualify?

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 11:15 am

And Vietnamese rice pickers.

Biff March 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

As long as it's in a 'Merkin rice paddy. Let's see–California and Arkansas have lots of rice, we've already elected candidates fro both those places. Well reagan shouldn't really count, he wasn't a native Californio, after all…

GeorgiaBurning March 22, 2012 at 11:39 am

the founders of the republic were terrified by Macduff

LiveToServeYa March 22, 2012 at 12:02 pm

He was a scary bastard, carrying those boughs from Birnam wood and all: the inventor of camo.

DaRooster March 22, 2012 at 11:04 am

Being in Cali I shall not Dummett down…

Biff March 22, 2012 at 11:11 am

Doom-may, doom-may…

Callyson March 22, 2012 at 11:49 am

The CA Republicans, on the other hand, are double Dummetting down…
Laguna Niguel attorney Orly Taitz, known nationwide for efforts to prove President Barack Obama is not a natural-born citizen, is leading the Republican field in the reelection bid of U.S. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., according to a poll by another Republican in the race.
Senator Feinstein, calm down and stop that hysterical laughter. At least compose yourself until you get to the office.

freakishlywrong March 22, 2012 at 11:05 am

Wait until RMoney picks Rubio as his veep. Birfers heads will assplode.

The_Trainman March 22, 2012 at 11:05 am

Looks like we need to do a little Peking at somebody else's birth certificate, huh?

Biff March 22, 2012 at 11:08 am

My theory is that newt was adopted from an Irish orphanage, because he looks like a fucking potato.

Steverino247 March 22, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Oh, Newty. I'm sorry you gotta head like a potato. I really am.

doloras March 22, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I just wish he'd spend the rest of his life out in San Ber'dino.

Steverino247 March 22, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Just 60 miles, 60 miles down the San Ber'dino Freeway.
That GOP bullshit makes you choke all day.
(That's right!)

prommie March 22, 2012 at 11:08 am

Jeezus Fuck, its getting scary out there. The president is near, and the crazies go crazy.

Terry March 22, 2012 at 11:09 am

By their reasoning, John McCain is the worst of the bunch, having been born in Panama.

Pop_Socket March 22, 2012 at 11:34 am

Thank goodness we dodged that bullet. Think of the hundreds of frivolous law suits we would have had to endure if he had been elected. Wait. He's not black, is he? Never mind.

chicken_thief March 22, 2012 at 11:49 am

But, as a true American, he wants to bomb-bomb-bomb Iran, so he clearly is an NBC.

Chill-A-Sketch March 22, 2012 at 11:12 am

This makes no sense…the motherfucker is whiter than bleached Wonder Bread!

SorosBot March 22, 2012 at 11:13 am

These lunatics will never give up their idiocy, will they?

actor212 March 22, 2012 at 11:15 am

It pays well.

weej_bain March 22, 2012 at 11:16 am

Sambo's, the pancake hauz, coming back in 3, 2, 1…

GreatChristiano March 22, 2012 at 11:35 am

Damn, I loved Sambos!

It is very racist of those who forced its closure.

Mumbletypeg March 22, 2012 at 11:22 am

From the OC, not making this up:

The attorney handling the suit is Gary Kreep

But is he a natural born creep? The mutant spelling tells me this alien must forfeit his inalienable rights as our nation already has a surfeit of regular creeps.

elviouslyqueer March 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

DAMN IT.

Shellwith2Ls March 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm

So that's who the Radiohead song is about.

PubOption March 22, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Is it the Yiddish spelling?

sullivanst March 22, 2012 at 5:28 pm

The dude was teabagging over 30 years before it was cool.

So, yeah, clearly a NB creep.

elviouslyqueer March 22, 2012 at 11:22 am

So the skinny on this post is that two Wongs don't make a White, amirite?

Pop_Socket March 22, 2012 at 11:35 am

>>>rimshot<<<
Remember to tip your waitress.

donner_froh March 22, 2012 at 11:25 am

The attorney handling the suit is Gary Kreep, who earlier had a fallout with Laguna Niguel attorney and U.S. Senate candidate Orly Taitz

Orly usually gets along so well with creeps–surprising about Gary.

James Michael Curley March 22, 2012 at 11:25 am

Newt was not adopted, he was adapted.
From what? We'll let you know when the DNA tests are back.

elviouslyqueer March 22, 2012 at 11:26 am

Also, The attorney handling the suit is Gary Kreep

Man, this shit just writes itself.

thefrontpage March 22, 2012 at 11:28 am

MITT ROMNEY FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN OFFICE
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE–THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 2012
CONTACT: Lloyd Braun, Campaign Headquarters, Saltpeter, Utah, (555) 555-1212.

Saltpeter, Utah (March 22, 2012)—Mitt Romney officially announced today, Thursday, March 22, 2012, that he was indeed born in American Samoa, a U.S. territory, to a Mormon father and an American Samoa Princess, Mary Beckford Samoa, while his father was doing missionary work in the U.S. territory. Since American Samoa is a U.S. territory, Romney is a naturalized U.S. citizen. "I love American Samoa, and all of the fine American Samoan residents, and I am proud of my great American Samoan heritage, and, unlike an Etch-a-Sketch, I will always have my American Samoan heritage as a part of me," Romney said during a press release at his Utah campaign headquarters in Saltpeter, Utah. "By the way, I'm also looking forward to the national release of 'The Hunger Games' tomorrow, Friday, March 23."

GreatChristiano March 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

And I thought all those "birther" people were republicans just pickin' on O'bammer…

So according to our title, Romney is still unborn?

Native_of_SL_UT March 22, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Of course he's unborn. He has a date of manufacture instead.

Guppy March 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

Kenyans, Panamanians, Mexicans… next thing you know, we'll elect a president whose first language is… I dunno, Dutch?

chicken_thief March 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

MARTIN VAN BUREN LIBELZ!!!! Just cause his wife was a Hoes, no doubt!!!

Steverino247 March 22, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Wat komt dit land aan?

JustPixelz March 22, 2012 at 11:34 am

Santorum likes to brag about his grandfather coming over from Greece or wherever. Grandfather not citizen means Santorum's father is not a citizen. Santorum's father not a citizen means Santorum is not a citizen. Unless the DNA shows his mother was, um, impure and Ronald Reagan is his daddy.

Tommy1733 March 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

Hello, Anonymous? I have a link I'd like to share with you: http://www.johndummett.us/

You know what to do.

mavenmaven March 22, 2012 at 1:15 pm

He definitely wins "best dressed candidate" award for this outfit: http://www.johndummett.us/welcome.html

GhostBuggy March 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

Gingrich was adopted? Is it too late for his parents to get their money back?

Callyson March 22, 2012 at 11:47 am

The attorney handling the suit is Gary Kreep, who earlier had a fallout with Laguna Niguel attorney and U.S. Senate candidate Orly Taitz – among the best known of lawyers pressing the case of Obama’s birthright.
Dummett & Kreep, indeed…

An_Outhouse March 22, 2012 at 11:49 am

Romney was made in America. I've seen the warranty card. (Too late – its expired)

Slim_Pickins March 22, 2012 at 12:13 pm

And Orly is a natural born citizen, because even as an embryo she wanted to be one?

Come here a minute March 22, 2012 at 12:15 pm

It's no surprise that birthers have the same opinion of Mormons and blah people — "not one of us".

HelmutNewton March 22, 2012 at 12:21 pm

"The attorney handling the suit is Gary Kreep…"

Sounds like a GOP stalwart.

ttommyunger March 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Jesus Christ on a fucking cracker, is this ignorant cunt still around? Enough!

rickmaci March 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I stopped reading the story at the point where it said his attorney is a Kreep.

Redhead March 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"And nobody likes Ron Paul. "

Paul's dad was a hobbit, ergo ipso facto thereforandwhatsitwhosenotetc, Paul is ineligible.

Andrew Drinker March 22, 2012 at 12:40 pm

But Orly Taitz is an anchor baby from Moldova!

(And, btw, I thought she was like 65. She's only 49?!?!?!?!?!)

Steverino247 March 22, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Bullshit is a helluva drug.

mavenmaven March 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Not only is Romney ineligible to run, but his hero stories about saving men under his command on the Swift boats is also a lie.

OneYieldRegular March 22, 2012 at 1:29 pm

When you really get down to it, only Chief Crazy Horse is qualified to be President.

owhatever March 22, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Having Oily Titz involved shows how important this matter is. She is never wrong.

sezme March 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Technically, a newt is hatched from an egg. So, constitutionally-wise speaking…

Schmegeg March 22, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Ooh. Teacher!!! Newton Searles McPherson.

WiscDad March 22, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Orally Taint LOL

imissopus March 22, 2012 at 6:44 pm

From page 236 of Nixonland:

The didn't trust Romney – a situation not helped by the mysterious pamphlets that started circulating: "Supreme Court Declares Romney Not Eligible Under The Constitution." (Romney had been born while his parents were in Mexico.)

That's George Romney, and this happened during the NH primaries in '68. Same as it ever was.

tcaalaw March 22, 2012 at 7:10 pm

a whole pile of Bachmanns

I thought it was "gaggle" of Bachmanns and a "pile" of Gingrinches?

gurukalehuru March 23, 2012 at 5:30 pm

They got the Wong Kim!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: