He shot a man in Reno just to watch him dieWho’s the man who offered to help get Khadafi out of Libya for a cool $10 mill? Neil Livingstone! Who’s the cat on a yacht full of pussy-for-hire? Neil Livingstone! Who fled from Argentine Nazis, ate borscht with Russian mafia, and was “wrongly subpoenaed for gun running and involvement in the Iran-Contra affair”? Neil Livingstone. You can see why Your Wonkette has no choice but to endorse Neil Livingstone for … let’s see … yes, it says right here, Montana governor!

Super shady “security expert” Dr. Neil Livingstone (yes, that’s right) is now trying to downplay how completely and irredeemably awesome he is, taking a buncha spy stuff off his website. But there’s no running away from the book he wrote for other Men of the World about how not to get rolled by hookers while you are off being a Man of the World.

Tell us more, MontanaCowgirl?

Here are a few verbatim excerpts from pages 36-38 of the book:

Never give a hooker your real name. Alternatively, use only your first name. On the one hand, some experts say that you should never take a hooker back to your hotel room or apartment, as this invites trouble. On the other hand, your hotel is the safest place for a tryst.

Select a high quality brothel. Patronizing a high quality, and therefore generally more expensive, brothel or escort service is always preferable to picking up a bar girl or streetwalker. Most brother operators are required to scrutinize the health of their employees and offer a generally safe environment for patrons. Some tony London brothels, for example, offer a high degree of cleanliness and security.

Double Pleasure can be Double Trouble. Never take those two for one deals. When you get the women back to your room, one may rifle through your pockets while the other takes you around the world.

Livingstone’s book then advises you, the Reader, how to safely find drugs.

Wrap it up for us, AP.

In high school, he scored a bargain on a rare coin collection and used the profits to buy a Ferrari — a rare sight in 1960s Helena. He arranges meetings in military time.

Thugz4LifeLivingstone’s biography does not show that he has ever worked for the U.S. government or the CIA, other than a stint as a congressional staffer, but he said that is only because he has worked in classified capacities he can’t discuss.

We are sorry we ever doubted you, Montana. We love you just as you are, please never change. [AP, via Esquire; MontanaCowgirl]

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  • ChernobylSoup

    Dr. Littledick, I presume?

    • Hey. that's no way to make fun of Dr. Living Stones!

  • freakishlywrong

    By "hooker" he means "rentboy", right?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Brother operators" in a brothel? Ewwwww.

    • BornInATrailer

      That is a very classy way of saying pimp while keeping the racial stereotype. Cocksmith and wordsmith.

    • Well, he does mention Tony London as a brothel owner, so….

      • sullivanst

        I can't even work out what he was trying to say there.

        Suffice it to say, relying on regulation of London brothels is bad advice, since the only regulation on London brothels is that they're supposed to not exist.

  • FNMA

    Why are people upset? Seems like very sound advice to me.

    • GOPCrusher

      I concur.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      This is all stuff your average Montana ranch hand would know — which makes him a bit brighter than the average GOP politician.

  • freakishlywrong

    Dr. Livingstone? More like Dr. Ewww..

  • I don't always sleep with prostitutes, but when I do, I prefer high quality brothels.

    what's that? yeah ok, i only sleep with prostitutes.

    • Lascauxcaveman



      • Hey, they charge by the cum, not by the hour.

        • AbandonHope

          They what? Like, do they get out a graduated cylinder to measure the volume?

      • i dont always bleep with blahstitutes?

    • prommie

      I don't always beg desperately for a pity-fuck, but I will do anything to get laid. is that an overshare?

  • PhilippePetain

    Alright, which one of our trusty Wonketteers is Neil Livingstone?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Not me! I always "go seedy" when I am in the market for ladyflesh.

      • PhilippePetain

        My rule of thumb is if the hooker costs more than dinner, she's not a hooker.

        • Negropolis


    • Toomush_Infer

      Pleeze! Let it be me!…

    • What?

      Don't look at me!

    • Not_So_Much

      Even as full of shit as I am, this level of fantasy is beyond me.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I guess you're not voting Republican this year.

  • prommie

    How is it that one safely finds drugs? There is a problem with a man willing to dispense this valuable information?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      from page 39 of the book:

      Select a high-quality dealer. Patronizing a high quality, and therefore generally more expensive, drug dealer or pusher is always preferable.

      • Negropolis

        That seems to be his "advice" on everything (i.e. find the highest-priced). That's kind of obvious when you're dealing with anything on the blackmarket, isn't it?

        • prommie

          What's the address of this "black market?" Thats what I need to know.

  • Beowoof

    Well I would say that is some sounding thinking right there. The kind of common sense America needs when our Chinese overlords and debt holders take over.

  • Barb

    "Never give a hooker your real name"
    Yeah, they should think of some clever name, like "John"

    • Tundra Grifter

      Her real name probably isn't Trixie or Bambi. Either.

      • Fare la Volpe

        I bet she isn't even working her way through med school!

    • freakishlywrong

      4 whore diamonds!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      If I ever go with a hooker again, I'm gonna tell her my name is Neil Livingstone.

    • GOPCrusher

      My name is Bond. James Bond.

    • Try "Elton". If she laughs, that's the one you take home.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        You know, that just might be the one to actually take home.

        • redarmyzombie

          "Mom, dad, I'd like you to meet Sapphire."

  • SayItWithWookies

    Livingstone’s biography does not show that he has ever worked for the U.S. government or the CIA, other than a stint as a congressional staffer, but he said that is only because he has worked in classified capacities he can’t discuss.

    Do people really still buy that line? I know it's Montana, but really.

    • Terry

      The more someone talks about their experience with "covert ops" or spying, the less they actually did.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Dude has lived a long and eventful life, but mentally, yeah, he's still 17, with an Ian Flemming novel and well-thumbed copy of Playboy tucked under the mattress.

    • Biff

      Montana Bureau of Investigation?

      • There's a joke in there somewhere about a probe and cattle, but Imma let it be

    • James Michael Curley

      In the mid-seventies I knew a few pilots who went back to Vietnam to fly for Air America. When they came back we would talk about how it wasn't CIA, then we would laugh and have another margarita.

      • Gunner Asch

        I was a passenger in some puddle-jumping C7A in the Central Highlands on the way to fix a gizmo in an intercept van somewhere and we landed at some aerial port I don't recall. There were about a dozen Air America C-47's on the tarmac, and I thought I was fer-sure in a James Bond movie now. Coolest thing to happen all week.

        • James Michael Curley

          The Caribou. Six tons of aircraft with a seven ton payload and it can land on a city block.

  • PhilippePetain

    Double the pleasure is double the trouble, so you gotta get a few men in there and a few more women for some nice FFMMFMFFFMMMFFM action. Anonymity in numbers, people.

  • SnarkoMarx

    Getting a job in government would be a twist for this guy. He'll go from paying for whores to being one.

  • OneDollarJuana

    "Scored a bargain on a rare coin collection" indicates to me he is a knowledgeable burglar, too.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    He wants to be a dental floss tycoon.

    • Barb

      He'll probably tell you that he was the one to get that last dentist to cave. Now they all recommend Trident gum.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Well, he needs a pony, just about this high….

      • FNMA

        And some Zircon encrusted tweezers…

    • GOPCrusher

      Just raising it up. And waxing it down.

    • doloras


  • Not_So_Much

    So, the only difference between he and the other (R) governors is that he wrote a how-to book about it?

    • Foreword by Elliott Spitzer. Infantilism appendices by David Vitter.

  • SexySmurf

    Wasn't he in the movie The Spy Who Loved Me For $200 an Hour?

  • RadioStalingrad

    To be fair, there is a lot of snow and hookers in Montana.

    • TeaNuts

      Hookers with teeth cost extra.

  • Terry

    "On the one hand, some experts say that you should never take a hooker back to your hotel room or apartment, as this invites trouble. On the other hand, your hotel is the safest place for a tryst."

    The South Carolina GOP recommends taking hookers out to park at the cemetery.

    • Biff

      Does any part of the Appalachian Trail go through Montana?

    • dubyatf

      Look, Ma, NO HANDS.
      He probably prefers glory holes.

  • Biff

    My new hero. Everybody needs one, right?

  • YasserArraFeck

    I have no idea why they gave that Dos Equis gig to that beardy old guy. Surely Neil Livingstone is The Most Interesting Man in the World.
    "Stay crazy, my friends"

    • He drove a Ferrari in high school, just because he could.

      He taught Tim Tebow how to take a knee.

      When he gets laid, it's always a two-for-one deal.

      He's the most interesting man in his own mind.

  • skoalrebel

    They say that Montana is kinda like rural Kentucky, but without the sophistication. [spit!] After reading about the dangers of the "Hooker Two-fer" I think I quite agree.

  • Who is that woman in the picture with him? Melanie Griffith dressed like her character from Body Double 30 years later?

    • prommie

      I could swear its Rudy Giuliani.

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    Out West, where men are men and sheep are fuckin' nervous.

    • OzoneTom

      Honest, I was just tryin' to help that sheep get over the fence!

  • LiveToServeYa

    Well, it's better for this dangerous Austin-Powers-international-man-of-mystery to be governor of Montana than a place with, say, people in it.

  • Tundra Grifter


    So – how do you know this Livingston fellow buckles his swash?

    Just askin'…

  • Barb

    "Most brother operators are required to scrutinize the health of their employees and offer a generally safe environment for patrons."

    I've never been to a brothel and seen a hooker who was running with scissors. Yep, safety first. Well, payment first, safety second.

    • skoalrebel

      What's a brother operator? [spit!] Seems kinky, and not in a good way.

      • Barb

        Damn, typo. "brothel operator"

    • Toomush_Infer

      Busted, Barb – really! How many brothels have you been to….geesh….o.k., where are they?…really, just for, you know, investigative reasons….

    • And what exactly were you doing in these various and sundry brothels? Were you a Federal Brothel Inspector?

    • I've never been to a brothel and seen a hooker who was running with scissors.

      It's on the price list, you know.

  • Callyson

    Livingstone lists his own exploits as exploring tunnels beneath the demilitarized zone separating the Koreas, fleeing from angry Nazis in Argentina, suffering interrogation in 1980s Libya and dining with Russian mafioso. He also says he was wrongly subpoenaed for gun running and involvement in the Iran-Contra affair.
    But it's the *hookers* you've got to watch out for…

    • Oblios_Cap

      No wonder Stanley was so happy to have found him in deepest, darkest Africa.

    • Redhead

      Damn right! Do you have any idea how easy it is to get information out of men (or get them to agree to stuff) when there are naked boobies – and teases about more to come – involved?

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Let's see what we can find.

    Ah, here we go:

    Kenneth I. Starr, the disgraced financial adviser with an A-List stable of Hollywood clients, was a major investor in GlobalOptions, a controversial Washington firm that once billed itself as “a private CIA,” financial filings show.

    GlobalOptions was founded by Neil C. Livingstone, a behind-the-scenes adviser to Reagan White House official Col. Oliver North during the arms-for-hostages deal with Iran.


    What else can we dig up. Ah, here we are

    Last Thursday in Washington D.C., a prominent group of former government officials gathered for a panel on Iran. Among them were a former National Security Adviser, a former CENTCOM Commander, a former Democratic Senator, a former Democratic Presidential candidate, a former Republican Attorney General, a former Republican Homeland Security Secretary, a former CIA Director and a former FBI Director. Almost to a man — and they were all men — they expressed support for a group considered a terrorist organization by the U.S. government.

    The panel, organized by a consulting firm called Executive Action, LLC, was called “Iran’s Nuclear, Terrorist Threats and Rights Abuses: After Engagement and Sanctions, What?” and the group in question is the Mujahedin-e Khalq Organization, also known as the MEK.


    He's also on teh board of what looks like a very scammy stem cell outfit.

    • sullivanst

      Wow, he founded Executive Action? I had been assuming it was some Iranian dude who was like totally not actually part of MEK, honest, no I really mean it.

  • Callyson

    "I am not recommending prostitution to anyone, nor did I say I engaged with prostitutes," Livingstone said of the yacht episode. "I took my wife. She was the only non-hooker on board."
    Well, that's what you think…

  • Baconzgood

    " He graduated from Helena Sr. High and earned an undergraduate degree, three Masters degrees and a Ph.D."

    So he put up where he went to High School but not where he got his advanced (snicker) degrees? This deserves some sluthing. Grab Baconz Shirlock Holmes hat.

    • Redhead

      And he did it all in 2.5 years! (Oh the wonders of the University of Phoenix.)

      • Loaded_Pants

        He's a Doctor of hookers!

  • Mahousu

    Hard to believe that this guy and Ted Kaczynski are both Montanans. No, wait, I mean easy to believe …

    • SexySmurf

      Hey, I'm from Montana. There was a time in the 1990s when every idiot was from Montana; you wouldn't believe how happy I was when I found out Timothy McVeigh was from New York.

      • heathenette

        Ted Kaczynski was not FROM Montana-just moved here because crazy blends in so well.
        Montana GOP – bat shit crazy and proud of it!

      • Negropolis

        And, you wouldn't believe how embarrassed I was when I found out his accomplice was from Michigan. :(

  • Barb

    They should subtitle this book: The Spy Who Loved Me For $50.00-No Kissing Allowed and Don't Cum On My Face

  • Oblios_Cap

    Never take those two for one deals. When you get the women back to your room, one may rifle through your pockets while the other takes you around the world.

    Actually, not bad advice.

    • GOPCrusher

      I always hate it when I wake up in a bathtub full of ice and note saying that one of my kidneys has been removed. If I had a dollar for every time that has happened, I'd have five bucks.

  • Callyson

    This story is the gift that keeps giving, and I haven't even gotten to the Montana Cowgirl link yet:
    Livingstone most recently ran a company he started in 2007 called Executive Action
    One of those high quality brothels, I take it? Well, at least this Republican really is a jobs creator…

  • bringmeanaxe

    I bet there are no boobs on his campaign bus! Oh, wait…

  • RedneckMuslin

    Is Montana Cowgirl a sexual position?

    • prommie

      I think it involves lying in your own vomit.

    • YasserArraFeck

      I think it involves spurs and a bridle – pretty esoteric stuff, up there with the Brokeback Boogie

  • SheriffRoscoe

    "Never give a hooker your real name." He's like the big brother I never had!

  • Tundra Grifter

    There used to be a great poster comparing the way similar traits are described for men and for women.

    "He's selective; she's picky." "He's 'detail-oriented;' She's a nag." "He's focused; She's stubborn." Like that there.

    The one I remember the best:

    "He's 'a Man of the World;' She's 'been around.'"

  • neiltheblaze

    Why is "Secret Agent Man" running through my head now? And how can I get it to stop?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Do it in Spanish, for the lulz.

      • neiltheblaze

        Those guys are in great shape!

      • FNMA

        The Plugz!

      • commiegirl

        Hombre Secreto! Oh I love me some Repo Man. I interviewed Alex Cox after his book came out. He was hilarious.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Try saying it as 'Secret Asian Man'.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Why did you just do this to me?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Walter Mitty for Governor!

    • dubyatf

      Ta pocketa pocketa pocketa pool.

  • Callyson

    Protect Yourself in an Uncertain World: A Comprehensive Handbook for Your Personal and Business Security [Hardcover]
    Neil C. Livingstone (Author)
    Be the first to review this item | Like (0)
    Available from these sellers.
    2 new from $85.43 7 used from $7.67 11 collectible from $4.17
    I could be curious, but I'll save the copies that remain for those who plan to utilize the services of the brothels…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "He arranges meetings in military time."

    Oooh! An affectation!! And in Zulu/Greenwich Mean time, right? No wimpy time zones for this man's man.

    • sullivanst

      Military time is zulu time, unless you're doing it wrong.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Not to quibble, but military time just means use of the 24 hour clock. If we have meeting here in the Central Time Zone, and they say "be there at 1400 hours," everyone knows to be there at 2 PM. If they told us "be there at 1900 Zulu" everyone would show up at 7 PM or otherwise be confused as hell.

        • sullivanst

          Point taken, but if you're pretending to be ex-CIA, you better be using zulu time, because the actual military (and CIA) always use zulu, to avoid horrible misunderstandings when missions are planned in Virginia and executed in Afghanistan.

  • MiniMencken

    If he didn't tell his readers "It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide," he's no International Man of Mystery in my book.

  • Editrix, Charlie Pierce has a post up now about the second-most interesting man in the world who is also running for Montana's governorship. Your move, Arizona, et al.

    • FNMA

      Mermaids. Frankly, I don't understand the attraction. (Insert you own rude "blowhole" joke here.)

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "I don't always follow state politics, but when I do, I prefer Montana.
      Stay crazy, my friends."

      Pierce is a national treasure.

  • chicken_thief

    I thought that was a shot of Rick Perrywinkle standing "firm" on Niggerhead. So this Livingstone fella likes to ride bareback, too? Also?

  • Guppy

    He arranges meetings in military time.

    And only completely awesome and well-adjusted people do that!

    • dubyatf

      I bet that fucking Single Helix, George Zimmerman, uses military time, too. The over-the-top tough guy mien of these cretins screams (one of those real shrill, incongruous feminine screams) "wanna be."
      They should all be buttsecksed with their handguns, but then again, they don't deserve to be rewarded. Sorry, lost my head!

      • GOPCrusher

        40 calls to 911 since the first of the year?
        Yeah, that's certainly well-adjusted.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Well, he's just an excitable boy. ♬♩

  • cheetojeebus

    So, These hooker "experts"? Is this synonymous with a Republican Presidential delegate?

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Eh, he's no Sterling Archer.

    • FNMA

      Archer: Oh my god, you killed a hooker!

      Figgis: Callgirl! She was a callgirl!

      Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!

    • FNMA

      Another one…

      Figgis: How do you keep track of all these lies?
      Archer: Practice Cyril. Lying is like 95% of what I do.
      Figgis: In your job.
      Archer: Sure.

  • WiscDad

    His repertoire comes from movies

  • owhatever

    Ah likes my warz cuz they makes me moneez. Mah name are Neil Livingstone and Ah approve this message, and you booger-eaters better vote for me. Know what Ah'm sayin?

  • HelmutNewton

    Well, now I know where to turn for advice on buying whore diamonds.

  • Toomush_Infer

    He's the Red Rascal!…

  • Is he the guy in the Dos Equis Commercials?

  • Fair enough. The hookers aren't giving you their real name, either.

  • Livingstone’s biography does not show that he has ever worked for the U.S. government or the CIA, other than a stint as a congressional staffer, but he said that is only because he has worked in classified capacities he can’t discuss.

    You mean other than discussing it in the book?

  • barto

    Here's one little tidbit he forgot.
    "If she tells you she really likes you and would be your girlfriend if she weren't in the business, just let your total awesomeness sink in and enjoy the moment, then pop another one of those online C!ali5 you scored for $20 a hit. Have at it, tiger!"

  • dadanarchist

    "Never give a hooker your real name."

    (I know that we're sluts but….) does that mean that we, the American public, are all hookers? Because there's no way his real name is Dr. Neil Livingstone.

  • GortRay

    The GOP is a "big tent" right? They want to include every breed of swine and this puke-pile fills one of those slots.

  • Another old white douchebag.

  • AlterNewt

    But what is he doing there with Linda Tripp?

  • GOPCrusher

    I still think Dale Peterson is cooler.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "On the one hand, some experts say that you should never take a hooker back to your hotel room or apartment…"

    The fact that this assclown believes there are actually "experts" rather gives the game away.

  • ttommyunger

    More like "Kneel" Livingston, I'm betting.

  • Negropolis

    I don't know, man. I'm still considering voting for the Dos Equis dude.

  • Negropolis

    He's a bad writer. You are never supposed to second-guess yourself in giving advice in writing. His advice on women of the night sounds like a nervous breakdown or multiple personalities. "Do this, but don't do it. On second thought, it's probably okay to do it, but don't, okay?"

    The sky really is big, in Montana. It has to be to hold all that bullshit.

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