PROTECT AND SERVE  10:34 am March 21, 2012

Wife- and Girlfriend-Beating San Francisco Sheriff Simply Does Not Care to Resign

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Sweet PrinceSan Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi was all nah mang nah mang ain’t resignin’ after he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor “unlawful imprisonment” of his wife (bargained down from domestic violence battery, dissuading a witness and child endangerment), and was sentenced to a Lindsay Lohanesque “probation and community service.” So now the mayor’s all, dude, the fuck? and suspended him and is trying to fire him and they are having a little old Constitutional Crisis! Also, there were totally some mystery panties.

One of Mirkarimi’s exes was not loath to tell anyone who’d listen that he kicked her ass four times when they were together; he was seeing her when he started houndin’ around with his current wife, Eliana Lopez; and they got in a huge fight where she was all WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MYSTERY PANTIES IN YOUR APARTMENT and he tried to pull the old (and stupid) no babe, those are totally yours. But what about his wife?

His wife, Eliana Lopez, has publicly stated that her husband did not harm her and she refused to cooperate with police and prosecutors.

The crux of the prosecution’s criminal case was a video taken by a neighbor, Ivory Madison, to whom Lopez confided the day after the incident. The video has not been made public.

But, according to court records, it shows Lopez displaying the bruise and tearfully recounting what happened. She said it was the second time last year that her husband had manhandled her.

Dude’s a keeper. [San Francisco Chronicle]

 

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{ 128 comments }

Barb March 21, 2012 at 10:36 am

" WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MYSTERY PANTIES IN YOUR APARTMENT?"
Two thongs do not make a right.

freakishlywrong March 21, 2012 at 10:39 am

Oh, Barb.

Barb March 21, 2012 at 10:40 am

Waiting for the coffee to kick in, Freakishly. It'll happen.

freakishlywrong March 21, 2012 at 10:49 am

Unlimited upfists for snark sans caffeine.

Barb March 21, 2012 at 10:50 am

Lol, Freakishly. I've moved on to Gatorade. What flavor is "rain berry?"

Ruhe March 21, 2012 at 10:41 am

"Honey, this building was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Weird stuff pops up in here all the time."

Serolf_Divad March 21, 2012 at 10:42 am

You're lucky comments can't be downmodded… heck, I had no choice but to give it a thumbs up.

Barb March 21, 2012 at 10:47 am

Thanks for the thumbs up. Seriously, heading for a second cup and then I will be awake.

actor212 March 21, 2012 at 10:46 am

Clearly, this requires a private dick to investigate

(you ain't as bad at punning as I am….)

Barb March 21, 2012 at 10:48 am

I wasn't aware that I was bad at it.

actor212 March 21, 2012 at 10:52 am

That one almost hurt my feelings, it was so bad.

Still, I fisted you for it.

Chichikovovich March 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

I think what he meant was that he isn't as good at bad-punning as you are.

dubyatf March 22, 2012 at 3:07 am

Actor,
Clearly what you MEANT to say is that this situation requires some PROBING with a private dick. I could totally tell.

Baconzgood March 21, 2012 at 10:48 am

GROAN WORTHY! Major up fist.

Barb March 21, 2012 at 11:08 am

Every morning is better with Baconz. I'd curtsy if I could.

proudgrampa March 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm

True story and apropos of nothing: playing Scrabble with Mrs proudgrampa the other day, with an "S" on the board, I spelled "CURTSIES."

Fifty extra points! Cool. But Mrs proudgrampa still beat me!!!

Carry on.

memzilla March 21, 2012 at 11:18 am

Especially if they're made by W00t! Of The Loom.

actor212 March 21, 2012 at 11:24 am

They're mystery panties. Makes them Victoria's Secret.

Callyson March 21, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Sorry to take away your 69 upfists on this gem, but I had to be #70. You're on a roll–more so.

JustPixelz March 21, 2012 at 10:37 am

Is Sheriff Ross any relation to our own SheriffRoscoe?

BaldarTFlagass March 21, 2012 at 10:38 am

"Oooooommmmmmmmmm."

noodlesalad March 21, 2012 at 10:39 am

Maybe this guy can work the Neighborhood Watch SVU squad in Florida?

Serolf_Divad March 21, 2012 at 10:43 am

What, was his wife an African American teenager?

chicken_thief March 21, 2012 at 11:34 am

No, but she does eat Skittles and likes canned ice tea.

Negropolis March 22, 2012 at 2:45 am

More like SUV squad.

JustPixelz March 21, 2012 at 10:40 am

Watch out Sheriff Arapio! Looks like someone else wants to be "America's Toughest Sheriff". And he's doing it Your Way™ — through abuse of power.

Serolf_Divad March 21, 2012 at 10:46 am

I can see his re-election slogan: "Vote for Mirkarimi, if he's that brutal on his wife, just think of how tough he'll be on criminals!"

Biff March 21, 2012 at 11:44 am

I had a cousin gunned down in the Mission district less than 2 weeks ago. I'm guessing Ron's killer will never be apprehended, in part due to this asshat wrangling his own problems instead of actually fighting crime.

starfanglednut March 22, 2012 at 12:52 am

I'm sorry for what happened to your cousin.

Biff March 22, 2012 at 1:59 am

Thanks. I worry about their son, mostly. He's a good kid, but he'll want revenge. I do, too, but the kid will probably seek it…

PubOption March 21, 2012 at 2:48 pm

So the mystery panties were pink?

4TheTurnstiles March 21, 2012 at 10:40 am

*This* is the 250 pound crybaby.

actor212 March 21, 2012 at 10:47 am

This is the guy who got his panties in a wad?

Biff March 21, 2012 at 11:44 am

So messy!

Clancy_Pants March 21, 2012 at 10:41 am

Governor Romney called. He wants his hair back.

Spurning Beer March 21, 2012 at 1:11 pm

The dude is 65% of the way to a full John Ensign.

SorosBot March 21, 2012 at 10:41 am

Wait, since when are our politicians supposed to face consequences for horrific domestic abuse?

freakishlywrong March 21, 2012 at 10:41 am

This is very sordid. But, shockingly, not Republican.

BaldarTFlagass March 21, 2012 at 10:44 am

I think this may become more and more the case if Wonkette continues to become more Cali-centric under our new uber-mistress.

actor212 March 21, 2012 at 10:49 am

Wait. He's Democradick????

AbandonHope March 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

No, because women and consensual sex were involved.

Callyson March 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Sadly, this prick is playing the "they're picking on me because I'm a progressive and I threaten the interests of the wealthy and powerful" card. From what I hear from my Bay Area buddies, this is wearing thin among the populace…

Ruhe March 21, 2012 at 10:43 am

Sheriff of San Francisco. Democrat, right? I hate these stories that confound my narrow politcal/social expectations.

LettucePrey March 21, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Nope. Green Party. I shit you nay. In fact, he founded the California chapter way back when.

Baconzgood March 21, 2012 at 10:44 am

I have a hard time snarking on wife beaters. So I'll just say. Fuck this fucking fuck with a fucking rusty fucking dildo shaped like a fucking egg plant! Plus I fucking hope it gets fucking stuck in this fucking fuck's fucking ass hole.

Sharkey March 21, 2012 at 10:49 am

Maybe they'll have to use a rusty chainsaw to remove it.

AbandonHope March 21, 2012 at 11:36 am

Subtle.

Callyson March 21, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Couldn't have said it better myself–well done.

donner_froh March 21, 2012 at 10:45 am

Trying to convince a woman that the "mystery panties" lying around belong to her is either supreme chutzpah or just plain crazy. Mirkarimi is lucky he is still walking around after that.

Barrelhse March 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

He shoulda just said they were his.

Biff March 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

It's an old fraternity prank. We used to put mystery panties in married colleague's gloveboxes, for laughs. It's not that big of a stretch to loading up a bedroom with them, see? Funny!

starfanglednut March 22, 2012 at 12:54 am

Yeah, because women are so stupid they don't recognize their own underpants.

Spurning Beer March 21, 2012 at 10:45 am

In San Francisco? Really?

Biff March 21, 2012 at 11:48 am

They're edible, the San Francisco Treat®.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 21, 2012 at 10:45 am

His wife, Eliana Lopez, has publicly stated that her husband did not harm her and she refused to cooperate with police and prosecutors.

Clearly, she has given some thought to what attracted her to him in the first place. Truly a role model for battered women everywhere. Wisconsin's Sen. Wossname salutes you!

NorthStarSpanx March 21, 2012 at 10:55 am

And Rhianna will release a duet with him next week.

smashedinhat March 21, 2012 at 10:45 am

And now we know where all those panties go when they disappear from your drying machine. Or microwave.

Sharkey March 21, 2012 at 10:47 am

Or skirt.

Fare la Volpe March 21, 2012 at 11:13 am

Or prom night.

Sharkey March 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

Or eBay.

actor212 March 21, 2012 at 10:47 am

Mystery Panties is so going to be the name of my next GRRRRRRRRRRRRLLA ROCK band

Sassomatic March 21, 2012 at 10:47 am

Occupy Mystery Panties!

Biff March 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

Mystery panties may not be the best thing on earth, but they're right next to it!

DemmeFatale March 21, 2012 at 10:48 am

His wife should just remember why he cheated on his girlfriend in the first place!

mrblifil March 21, 2012 at 10:50 am

The panties are less concerning than the heads in the freezer.

actor212 March 21, 2012 at 10:54 am

Don't worry, it's just a pair of mystery boxers

LesBontemps March 21, 2012 at 10:55 am

If this story were about a Democrat, Wonket would never cover it.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 21, 2012 at 10:58 am

Keepin' the meme alive!

LesBontemps March 21, 2012 at 11:01 am

Hey, watch it — Wonket doesn't allow comments.

skoalrebel March 21, 2012 at 10:56 am

I shot the sheriff,
But I did not shoot mystery panties..
[spit]

Spurning Beer March 21, 2012 at 11:05 am

Sharif don't like it.

weej_bain March 21, 2012 at 11:02 am

Seems the Sheriff has a problem with someone else's knickers in a twist.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 21, 2012 at 11:03 am

Fashion Tip from Family Court (repost of an Actual Thing That Happened Here a couple weeks ago):

When a gentleman shows up to meet the evaluator in his child custody case, he may just create a better impression of himself if he wears something OTHER THAN a white sleeveless undershirt, given the unfortunate connotations inherent in that garment's popular nickname.

Chichikovovich March 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

he may just create a better impression of himself if he wears something OTHER THAN a white sleeveless undershirt

Like, for example, trousers.

prommie March 21, 2012 at 11:06 am

There are two sides to every story, you never know. Maybe she just doesn't know when to shut up?

sullivanst March 21, 2012 at 11:10 am

No, Sheriff Asshole, Hiram Monserrate is not someone after whom you, or anyone else, should be modelling your behavior.

Limeylizzie March 21, 2012 at 11:13 am

That man gets more pussy than many of our Wonketteers, I'm just guessing. How can that be?

slowhansolo March 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

Gotta be the artfully-sprinkled gray hair. It worked for me, if by "worked" I mean attracted more gals with daddy issues. And I do.

Fare la Volpe March 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

He doesn't take no for an answer.

Literally.

edgydrifter March 21, 2012 at 11:24 am

Life is unfair.

Tundra Grifter March 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

2L:

In all seriousness, it says a great deal more about the women than it does about the guy.

Limeylizzie March 21, 2012 at 11:36 am

Absolutely.If not all our Wonketteers would be knee-deep in the pussy that they so richly deserve.

chicken_thief March 21, 2012 at 11:45 am

Chicks dig a man in uniform and authority. A friend of mine, retired head of narc and detective squads for a large New England city, got more pussy than he knew what to do with. And he was an average looking guy, at best. Similarly, when I was a recruiter for one of our armed forces, the local girls dug the uniform. Getting laid was way easier than finding qualified recruits.

dubyatf March 22, 2012 at 3:18 am

Well, yeah-because this cuntry is overrun with sluts and kids who are too dumb to get into the military. Not to take anything away from the dashing figure you cut in uniform, honest.

Guppy March 21, 2012 at 11:54 am

Because we at Wonkett try not to fuck crazy, and the women he gets probably aren't too sane, even before the bruises appear.

Nothingisamiss March 21, 2012 at 2:10 pm

John Edwards libel!

mrblifil March 22, 2012 at 9:23 am

This will be my official Wonkette Motto: "If I'm fucking crazy, I r doin it rong."

ttommyunger March 21, 2012 at 1:00 pm

It's SF, Lizzy and he's straight. How many men in the Bay Area can say that? Four, maybe.

occams8ball March 21, 2012 at 11:17 am

Can't resign. Where else can I get six figures for being an abusive, self-indulgent, sadistic, asshole?

freakishlywrong March 21, 2012 at 11:23 am

The Republican party?

Negropolis March 22, 2012 at 2:49 am

WIN

Chichikovovich March 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

I think the job as majordomo of Big Hollywood just opened up.

MissTaken March 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

Goldman Sachs?

occams8ball March 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

SORRY! I'm so used to getting a city paycheck, I forgot the private sector even exists.

hagajim March 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

Maybe ol' Sherriff Roscoe and his wife are into some BDSM – and he just forgot to let her in on it – or give her a secret word?

doloras March 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm

When she used her safeword he said "BZZT! Wrong! Guess the new one!"

slowhansolo March 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

Resigning admits guilt. Never resign. Ever.

For example, a true story: A local town council president was charged after he broke the skull of a random bar patron in Martinsburg, W.Va., home of a notorious strip of titty bars. He did so in the company of his midlife crisis motorcycle "gang," to which he belongs, he claimed publicly, as part of his ongoing efforts to bring Jesus to motorcycle gangs. When the cops got all shirty with him, local papers started wondering if this was the kind of guy who belongs on a town council. So he resigned his presidency, but not his seat, saying that resigning would cheat the voters who elected him.

Again, true story. His trial awaits.

EatFrankRich March 21, 2012 at 12:35 pm

What about the mayor of Sunland Park, NM who is under a restraining order from visiting city hall or communicating with city employees? Oh, oops, he's in jail again. He was just elected, too.

MissTaken March 21, 2012 at 11:36 am

Just some of those San Francisco Values Newt loves so much.

SorosBot March 21, 2012 at 11:52 am

It's the first time Newt and Santorum can support a San Francisco politician!

MissTaken March 21, 2012 at 11:46 am

This story is so fucking with our SF progressive ideals that the alt-weeklies are getting into it over past endorsements of Mirkarimi. It's fun!
http://www.sfweekly.com/2012-03-21/news/san-franc

chicken_thief March 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

Sheriff Babeu would never act this way.

GreatChristiano March 21, 2012 at 11:48 am

Not sure why anybody would want to leave mystery panties layin' around.

BTW, Sandra Fluke now believes we should provide her with panties, too.

She shouldn't have to pay for them, nor should her parents.

teebob2000 March 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I would gladly supply Sandra Fluke with panties. And then collect them again when she's finished with them.

GreatChristiano March 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Its the weirdest thing, something must be wrong with me in that I just would not want a woman to leave her panties behind.

Now if she could leave her vagina behind, well that's an "entirely different matter, altogether… "

WhatTheHeck March 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

Oh, c’mon, Rebecca, we’re talking about women here. Were you paying attention in class? According to new republican guidelines, the sheriff is perfectly within his rights to do whatever he chooses to his property.

unclejeems March 21, 2012 at 11:53 am

Eliana Lopez is a babe. Seriously. http://elianalopez.narod.ru/fotoembrazada.html

anniegetyerfun March 21, 2012 at 11:55 am

What a fucking jackass.

Guppy March 21, 2012 at 11:55 am

Constitutional Crisis!

In California? Unpossible!

Terry March 21, 2012 at 12:13 pm

"WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MYSTERY PANTIES IN YOUR APARTMENT "

Lots of women were leaving their panties in his apartment? How does this happen? Do they just forget that they were wearing them when they arrived?

If a man has lots of panties around his apartment, there really are only three realistic options. 1. He's stealing underwear from dryers at the laundromat or off clotheslines. 2. Those are panties he bought for himself. 3. He hides the panties of women who have sex with him so that they're forced to go home without them.

Tundra Grifter March 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Guy is getting dressed in the golf course clubhouse. His friend notices he's putting on a pair of women's panties.

"When did you start wearing those?"

"Since my wife found them in our bedroom."

JohnyEdge March 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

4. Eliana was leaving a message for Christina.

SheriffRoscoe March 21, 2012 at 12:20 pm

A Coltraine has never so much as finger banged a Mirkarimi, and they never will.

Redhead March 21, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Gotta be a Dem. Not enough knives/green balloons/rent boys.

GeorgiaBurning March 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm

It's easy to get a little bored being SF Sheriff, it's a high title but mostly the department runs jails and guards buildings. Still, it would have been better if he had picked a less quirky hobby than collecting panties. Making the prisoners wear them, perhaps? I know, too Republican….

ttommyunger March 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

That's what you get for being straight in SF, weirdo!

Extemporanus March 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Before being elected sheriff, big Ross was my district alderman. Back then, he was known more for his Maynard G. Krebs-esque pudding cup beard, booming baritone, and occasional gig as greeter at the farmers market held every Sunday around the corner from my apartment.

I once saw him eat a cherry tomato without paying for it, but I never told anyone. Also, I had serious reason to believe that he squeezed avocados way too hard when checking for ripeness, though I was never able to catch him in the act. And the rumors I heard regarding the infamous eggplant incident are simply too dark and disturbing to delve into so close to lunch.

I am deeply sorry and ashamed, dear neighbors. Had I only shown some intestinal fortitude and spoken up, Mrs. Mirkarimi — as well as San Francisco's reputation — might today yet remain unbruised and unbattered. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me.

(By the way, those "mystery" panties are mine. Please drop them off at the Alamo Square Market, and I'll pick them up later. Thanks!)

larrykat March 21, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Wonkette has become a veritable *incubator* for possibly great band names… ladies and gentlemen, please welcome MYSTERY PANTIES!

commiebro March 21, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I CANNOT BELIEVE that you did not call me, your Commie Older Brother, for a Money Quote regarding Sherriff Mirkarimi, whom I totally Personally Know and have worked with for almost ten years!

commiegirl March 21, 2012 at 8:29 pm

O hai my older brother Eric, can we please have a comment on Sheriff Mirkarimi, whom you personally know and have worked with for almost 10 years?

fuflans March 21, 2012 at 11:27 pm

older commie brother eric and commie mom!

this is a wonkette i can totally believe –

watch for family feuds…

commiebro March 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Okay, here 'tis….um, actually, the consensus around here (here being City Hall) is that Sherriff Mirk is being railroaded by a Rose Pak/ex-Chief-Garcon conspiracy. Just ask his telenovela wife! Is it any co-inky-dink that Garcon is fronch for BOY? Just sayin'…..

rocktonsam March 21, 2012 at 10:26 pm

i DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. I 'm waiting for FOX NEWZ to talk about Trayvon.

Dear Mr. Zimmerman,

The shit is about to hit the fan,

thank you ASSHOLE!

Barb March 21, 2012 at 10:51 am

Morning One_!

freakishlywrong March 21, 2012 at 10:59 am

Tastes like Peeps.

Fare la Volpe March 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

It's better than "Herman Cain's Black Berry"

proudgrampa March 21, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Now THAT was funny!

Nothingisamiss March 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Oy.

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