San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi was all nah mang nah mang ain’t resignin’ after he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor “unlawful imprisonment” of his wife (bargained down from domestic violence battery, dissuading a witness and child endangerment), and was sentenced to a Lindsay Lohanesque “probation and community service.” So now the mayor’s all, dude, the fuck? and suspended him and is trying to fire him and they are having a little old Constitutional Crisis! Also, there were totally some mystery panties.
One of Mirkarimi’s exes was not loath to tell anyone who’d listen that he kicked her ass four times when they were together; he was seeing her when he started houndin’ around with his current wife, Eliana Lopez; and they got in a huge fight where she was all WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MYSTERY PANTIES IN YOUR APARTMENT and he tried to pull the old (and stupid) no babe, those are totally yours. But what about his wife?
His wife, Eliana Lopez, has publicly stated that her husband did not harm her and she refused to cooperate with police and prosecutors.
The crux of the prosecution’s criminal case was a video taken by a neighbor, Ivory Madison, to whom Lopez confided the day after the incident. The video has not been made public.
But, according to court records, it shows Lopez displaying the bruise and tearfully recounting what happened. She said it was the second time last year that her husband had manhandled her.
Dude’s a keeper. [San Francisco Chronicle]
{ 128 comments }
" WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MYSTERY PANTIES IN YOUR APARTMENT?"
Two thongs do not make a right.
Oh, Barb.
Waiting for the coffee to kick in, Freakishly. It'll happen.
Unlimited upfists for snark sans caffeine.
Lol, Freakishly. I've moved on to Gatorade. What flavor is "rain berry?"
"Honey, this building was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Weird stuff pops up in here all the time."
You're lucky comments can't be downmodded… heck, I had no choice but to give it a thumbs up.
Thanks for the thumbs up. Seriously, heading for a second cup and then I will be awake.
Clearly, this requires a private dick to investigate
(you ain't as bad at punning as I am….)
I wasn't aware that I was bad at it.
That one almost hurt my feelings, it was so bad.
Still, I fisted you for it.
I think what he meant was that he isn't as good at bad-punning as you are.
Actor,
Clearly what you MEANT to say is that this situation requires some PROBING with a private dick. I could totally tell.
GROAN WORTHY! Major up fist.
Every morning is better with Baconz. I'd curtsy if I could.
True story and apropos of nothing: playing Scrabble with Mrs proudgrampa the other day, with an "S" on the board, I spelled "CURTSIES."
Fifty extra points! Cool. But Mrs proudgrampa still beat me!!!
Carry on.
Especially if they're made by W00t! Of The Loom.
They're mystery panties. Makes them Victoria's Secret.
Sorry to take away your 69 upfists on this gem, but I had to be #70. You're on a roll–more so.
Is Sheriff Ross any relation to our own SheriffRoscoe?
"Oooooommmmmmmmmm."
Maybe this guy can work the Neighborhood Watch SVU squad in Florida?
What, was his wife an African American teenager?
No, but she does eat Skittles and likes canned ice tea.
More like SUV squad.
Watch out Sheriff Arapio! Looks like someone else wants to be "America's Toughest Sheriff". And he's doing it Your Way™ — through abuse of power.
I can see his re-election slogan: "Vote for Mirkarimi, if he's that brutal on his wife, just think of how tough he'll be on criminals!"
I had a cousin gunned down in the Mission district less than 2 weeks ago. I'm guessing Ron's killer will never be apprehended, in part due to this asshat wrangling his own problems instead of actually fighting crime.
I'm sorry for what happened to your cousin.
Thanks. I worry about their son, mostly. He's a good kid, but he'll want revenge. I do, too, but the kid will probably seek it…
So the mystery panties were pink?
*This* is the 250 pound crybaby.
This is the guy who got his panties in a wad?
So messy!
Governor Romney called. He wants his hair back.
The dude is 65% of the way to a full John Ensign.
Wait, since when are our politicians supposed to face consequences for horrific domestic abuse?
This is very sordid. But, shockingly, not Republican.
I think this may become more and more the case if Wonkette continues to become more Cali-centric under our new uber-mistress.
Wait. He's Democradick????
No, because women and consensual sex were involved.
Sadly, this prick is playing the "they're picking on me because I'm a progressive and I threaten the interests of the wealthy and powerful" card. From what I hear from my Bay Area buddies, this is wearing thin among the populace…
Sheriff of San Francisco. Democrat, right? I hate these stories that confound my narrow politcal/social expectations.
Nope. Green Party. I shit you nay. In fact, he founded the California chapter way back when.
I have a hard time snarking on wife beaters. So I'll just say. Fuck this fucking fuck with a fucking rusty fucking dildo shaped like a fucking egg plant! Plus I fucking hope it gets fucking stuck in this fucking fuck's fucking ass hole.
Maybe they'll have to use a rusty chainsaw to remove it.
Subtle.
Couldn't have said it better myself–well done.
Trying to convince a woman that the "mystery panties" lying around belong to her is either supreme chutzpah or just plain crazy. Mirkarimi is lucky he is still walking around after that.
He shoulda just said they were his.
It's an old fraternity prank. We used to put mystery panties in married colleague's gloveboxes, for laughs. It's not that big of a stretch to loading up a bedroom with them, see? Funny!
Yeah, because women are so stupid they don't recognize their own underpants.
In San Francisco? Really?
They're edible, the San Francisco Treat®.
His wife, Eliana Lopez, has publicly stated that her husband did not harm her and she refused to cooperate with police and prosecutors.
Clearly, she has given some thought to what attracted her to him in the first place. Truly a role model for battered women everywhere. Wisconsin's Sen. Wossname salutes you!
And Rhianna will release a duet with him next week.
And now we know where all those panties go when they disappear from your drying machine. Or microwave.
Or skirt.
Or prom night.
Or eBay.
Mystery Panties is so going to be the name of my next GRRRRRRRRRRRRLLA ROCK band
Occupy Mystery Panties!
Mystery panties may not be the best thing on earth, but they're right next to it!
His wife should just remember why he cheated on his girlfriend in the first place!
The panties are less concerning than the heads in the freezer.
Don't worry, it's just a pair of mystery boxers
If this story were about a Democrat, Wonket would never cover it.
Keepin' the meme alive!
Hey, watch it — Wonket doesn't allow comments.
I shot the sheriff,
But I did not shoot mystery panties..
[spit]
Sharif don't like it.
Seems the Sheriff has a problem with someone else's knickers in a twist.
Fashion Tip from Family Court (repost of an Actual Thing That Happened Here a couple weeks ago):
When a gentleman shows up to meet the evaluator in his child custody case, he may just create a better impression of himself if he wears something OTHER THAN a white sleeveless undershirt, given the unfortunate connotations inherent in that garment's popular nickname.
he may just create a better impression of himself if he wears something OTHER THAN a white sleeveless undershirt
Like, for example, trousers.
There are two sides to every story, you never know. Maybe she just doesn't know when to shut up?
No, Sheriff Asshole, Hiram Monserrate is not someone after whom you, or anyone else, should be modelling your behavior.
That man gets more pussy than many of our Wonketteers, I'm just guessing. How can that be?
Gotta be the artfully-sprinkled gray hair. It worked for me, if by "worked" I mean attracted more gals with daddy issues. And I do.
He doesn't take no for an answer.
Literally.
Life is unfair.
2L:
In all seriousness, it says a great deal more about the women than it does about the guy.
Absolutely.If not all our Wonketteers would be knee-deep in the pussy that they so richly deserve.
Chicks dig a man in uniform and authority. A friend of mine, retired head of narc and detective squads for a large New England city, got more pussy than he knew what to do with. And he was an average looking guy, at best. Similarly, when I was a recruiter for one of our armed forces, the local girls dug the uniform. Getting laid was way easier than finding qualified recruits.
Well, yeah-because this cuntry is overrun with sluts and kids who are too dumb to get into the military. Not to take anything away from the dashing figure you cut in uniform, honest.
Because we at Wonkett try not to fuck crazy, and the women he gets probably aren't too sane, even before the bruises appear.
John Edwards libel!
This will be my official Wonkette Motto: "If I'm fucking crazy, I r doin it rong."
It's SF, Lizzy and he's straight. How many men in the Bay Area can say that? Four, maybe.
Can't resign. Where else can I get six figures for being an abusive, self-indulgent, sadistic, asshole?
The Republican party?
WIN
I think the job as majordomo of Big Hollywood just opened up.
Goldman Sachs?
SORRY! I'm so used to getting a city paycheck, I forgot the private sector even exists.
Maybe ol' Sherriff Roscoe and his wife are into some BDSM – and he just forgot to let her in on it – or give her a secret word?
When she used her safeword he said "BZZT! Wrong! Guess the new one!"
Resigning admits guilt. Never resign. Ever.
For example, a true story: A local town council president was charged after he broke the skull of a random bar patron in Martinsburg, W.Va., home of a notorious strip of titty bars. He did so in the company of his midlife crisis motorcycle "gang," to which he belongs, he claimed publicly, as part of his ongoing efforts to bring Jesus to motorcycle gangs. When the cops got all shirty with him, local papers started wondering if this was the kind of guy who belongs on a town council. So he resigned his presidency, but not his seat, saying that resigning would cheat the voters who elected him.
Again, true story. His trial awaits.
What about the mayor of Sunland Park, NM who is under a restraining order from visiting city hall or communicating with city employees? Oh, oops, he's in jail again. He was just elected, too.
Just some of those San Francisco Values Newt loves so much.
It's the first time Newt and Santorum can support a San Francisco politician!
This story is so fucking with our SF progressive ideals that the alt-weeklies are getting into it over past endorsements of Mirkarimi. It's fun!
http://www.sfweekly.com/2012-03-21/news/san-franc…
Sheriff Babeu would never act this way.
Not sure why anybody would want to leave mystery panties layin' around.
BTW, Sandra Fluke now believes we should provide her with panties, too.
She shouldn't have to pay for them, nor should her parents.
I would gladly supply Sandra Fluke with panties. And then collect them again when she's finished with them.
Its the weirdest thing, something must be wrong with me in that I just would not want a woman to leave her panties behind.
Now if she could leave her vagina behind, well that's an "entirely different matter, altogether… "
Oh, c’mon, Rebecca, we’re talking about women here. Were you paying attention in class? According to new republican guidelines, the sheriff is perfectly within his rights to do whatever he chooses to his property.
Eliana Lopez is a babe. Seriously. http://elianalopez.narod.ru/fotoembrazada.html
What a fucking jackass.
In California? Unpossible!
"WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MYSTERY PANTIES IN YOUR APARTMENT "
Lots of women were leaving their panties in his apartment? How does this happen? Do they just forget that they were wearing them when they arrived?
If a man has lots of panties around his apartment, there really are only three realistic options. 1. He's stealing underwear from dryers at the laundromat or off clotheslines. 2. Those are panties he bought for himself. 3. He hides the panties of women who have sex with him so that they're forced to go home without them.
Guy is getting dressed in the golf course clubhouse. His friend notices he's putting on a pair of women's panties.
"When did you start wearing those?"
"Since my wife found them in our bedroom."
4. Eliana was leaving a message for Christina.
A Coltraine has never so much as finger banged a Mirkarimi, and they never will.
Gotta be a Dem. Not enough knives/green balloons/rent boys.
It's easy to get a little bored being SF Sheriff, it's a high title but mostly the department runs jails and guards buildings. Still, it would have been better if he had picked a less quirky hobby than collecting panties. Making the prisoners wear them, perhaps? I know, too Republican….
That's what you get for being straight in SF, weirdo!
Before being elected sheriff, big Ross was my district alderman. Back then, he was known more for his Maynard G. Krebs-esque pudding cup beard, booming baritone, and occasional gig as greeter at the farmers market held every Sunday around the corner from my apartment.
I once saw him eat a cherry tomato without paying for it, but I never told anyone. Also, I had serious reason to believe that he squeezed avocados way too hard when checking for ripeness, though I was never able to catch him in the act. And the rumors I heard regarding the infamous eggplant incident are simply too dark and disturbing to delve into so close to lunch.
I am deeply sorry and ashamed, dear neighbors. Had I only shown some intestinal fortitude and spoken up, Mrs. Mirkarimi — as well as San Francisco's reputation — might today yet remain unbruised and unbattered. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me.
(By the way, those "mystery" panties are mine. Please drop them off at the Alamo Square Market, and I'll pick them up later. Thanks!)
Wonkette has become a veritable *incubator* for possibly great band names… ladies and gentlemen, please welcome MYSTERY PANTIES!
I CANNOT BELIEVE that you did not call me, your Commie Older Brother, for a Money Quote regarding Sherriff Mirkarimi, whom I totally Personally Know and have worked with for almost ten years!
O hai my older brother Eric, can we please have a comment on Sheriff Mirkarimi, whom you personally know and have worked with for almost 10 years?
older commie brother eric and commie mom!
this is a wonkette i can totally believe –
watch for family feuds…
Okay, here 'tis….um, actually, the consensus around here (here being City Hall) is that Sherriff Mirk is being railroaded by a Rose Pak/ex-Chief-Garcon conspiracy. Just ask his telenovela wife! Is it any co-inky-dink that Garcon is fronch for BOY? Just sayin'…..
i DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. I 'm waiting for FOX NEWZ to talk about Trayvon.
Dear Mr. Zimmerman,
The shit is about to hit the fan,
thank you ASSHOLE!
Morning One_!
Tastes like Peeps.
It's better than "Herman Cain's Black Berry"
Now THAT was funny!
Oy.
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