Sweet PrinceSan Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi was all nah mang nah mang ain’t resignin’ after he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor “unlawful imprisonment” of his wife (bargained down from domestic violence battery, dissuading a witness and child endangerment), and was sentenced to a Lindsay Lohanesque “probation and community service.” So now the mayor’s all, dude, the fuck? and suspended him and is trying to fire him and they are having a little old Constitutional Crisis! Also, there were totally some mystery panties.

One of Mirkarimi’s exes was not loath to tell anyone who’d listen that he kicked her ass four times when they were together; he was seeing her when he started houndin’ around with his current wife, Eliana Lopez; and they got in a huge fight where she was all WHY ARE THERE SO MANY MYSTERY PANTIES IN YOUR APARTMENT and he tried to pull the old (and stupid) no babe, those are totally yours. But what about his wife?

His wife, Eliana Lopez, has publicly stated that her husband did not harm her and she refused to cooperate with police and prosecutors.

The crux of the prosecution’s criminal case was a video taken by a neighbor, Ivory Madison, to whom Lopez confided the day after the incident. The video has not been made public.

But, according to court records, it shows Lopez displaying the bruise and tearfully recounting what happened. She said it was the second time last year that her husband had manhandled her.

Dude’s a keeper. [San Francisco Chronicle]

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  • Barb

    Two thongs do not make a right.

  • JustPixelz

    Is Sheriff Ross any relation to our own SheriffRoscoe?

  • BaldarTFlagass


  • noodlesalad

    Maybe this guy can work the Neighborhood Watch SVU squad in Florida?

    • Serolf_Divad

      What, was his wife an African American teenager?

      • chicken_thief

        No, but she does eat Skittles and likes canned ice tea.

    • Negropolis

      More like SUV squad.

  • JustPixelz

    Watch out Sheriff Arapio! Looks like someone else wants to be "America's Toughest Sheriff". And he's doing it Your Way™ — through abuse of power.

    • Serolf_Divad

      I can see his re-election slogan: "Vote for Mirkarimi, if he's that brutal on his wife, just think of how tough he'll be on criminals!"

      • Biff

        I had a cousin gunned down in the Mission district less than 2 weeks ago. I'm guessing Ron's killer will never be apprehended, in part due to this asshat wrangling his own problems instead of actually fighting crime.

        • I'm sorry for what happened to your cousin.

          • Biff

            Thanks. I worry about their son, mostly. He's a good kid, but he'll want revenge. I do, too, but the kid will probably seek it…

    • PubOption

      So the mystery panties were pink?

  • *This* is the 250 pound crybaby.

    • This is the guy who got his panties in a wad?

      • Biff

        So messy!

  • Governor Romney called. He wants his hair back.

    • The dude is 65% of the way to a full John Ensign.

  • SorosBot

    Wait, since when are our politicians supposed to face consequences for horrific domestic abuse?

  • freakishlywrong

    This is very sordid. But, shockingly, not Republican.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think this may become more and more the case if Wonkette continues to become more Cali-centric under our new uber-mistress.

    • Wait. He's Democradick????

    • AbandonHope

      No, because women and consensual sex were involved.

    • Callyson

      Sadly, this prick is playing the "they're picking on me because I'm a progressive and I threaten the interests of the wealthy and powerful" card. From what I hear from my Bay Area buddies, this is wearing thin among the populace…

  • Ruhe

    Sheriff of San Francisco. Democrat, right? I hate these stories that confound my narrow politcal/social expectations.

    • LettucePrey

      Nope. Green Party. I shit you nay. In fact, he founded the California chapter way back when.

  • Baconzgood

    I have a hard time snarking on wife beaters. So I'll just say. Fuck this fucking fuck with a fucking rusty fucking dildo shaped like a fucking egg plant! Plus I fucking hope it gets fucking stuck in this fucking fuck's fucking ass hole.

    • Maybe they'll have to use a rusty chainsaw to remove it.

    • AbandonHope


    • Callyson

      Couldn't have said it better myself–well done.

  • Trying to convince a woman that the "mystery panties" lying around belong to her is either supreme chutzpah or just plain crazy. Mirkarimi is lucky he is still walking around after that.

    • Barrelhse

      He shoulda just said they were his.

    • Biff

      It's an old fraternity prank. We used to put mystery panties in married colleague's gloveboxes, for laughs. It's not that big of a stretch to loading up a bedroom with them, see? Funny!

    • Yeah, because women are so stupid they don't recognize their own underpants.

  • In San Francisco? Really?

    • Biff

      They're edible, the San Francisco Treat®.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    His wife, Eliana Lopez, has publicly stated that her husband did not harm her and she refused to cooperate with police and prosecutors.

    Clearly, she has given some thought to what attracted her to him in the first place. Truly a role model for battered women everywhere. Wisconsin's Sen. Wossname salutes you!

    • NorthStarSpanx

      And Rhianna will release a duet with him next week.

  • smashedinhat

    And now we know where all those panties go when they disappear from your drying machine. Or microwave.

  • Mystery Panties is so going to be the name of my next GRRRRRRRRRRRRLLA ROCK band

  • Sassomatic

    Occupy Mystery Panties!

    • Biff

      Mystery panties may not be the best thing on earth, but they're right next to it!

  • His wife should just remember why he cheated on his girlfriend in the first place!

  • The panties are less concerning than the heads in the freezer.

    • Don't worry, it's just a pair of mystery boxers

  • LesBontemps

    If this story were about a Democrat, Wonket would never cover it.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Keepin' the meme alive!

      • LesBontemps

        Hey, watch it — Wonket doesn't allow comments.

  • skoalrebel

    I shot the sheriff,
    But I did not shoot mystery panties..

  • Seems the Sheriff has a problem with someone else's knickers in a twist.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Fashion Tip from Family Court (repost of an Actual Thing That Happened Here a couple weeks ago):

    When a gentleman shows up to meet the evaluator in his child custody case, he may just create a better impression of himself if he wears something OTHER THAN a white sleeveless undershirt, given the unfortunate connotations inherent in that garment's popular nickname.

    • Chichikovovich

      he may just create a better impression of himself if he wears something OTHER THAN a white sleeveless undershirt

      Like, for example, trousers.

  • prommie

    There are two sides to every story, you never know. Maybe she just doesn't know when to shut up?

  • sullivanst

    No, Sheriff Asshole, Hiram Monserrate is not someone after whom you, or anyone else, should be modelling your behavior.

  • Limeylizzie

    That man gets more pussy than many of our Wonketteers, I'm just guessing. How can that be?

    • Gotta be the artfully-sprinkled gray hair. It worked for me, if by "worked" I mean attracted more gals with daddy issues. And I do.

    • Fare la Volpe

      He doesn't take no for an answer.


    • edgydrifter

      Life is unfair.

    • Tundra Grifter


      In all seriousness, it says a great deal more about the women than it does about the guy.

      • Limeylizzie

        Absolutely.If not all our Wonketteers would be knee-deep in the pussy that they so richly deserve.

    • chicken_thief

      Chicks dig a man in uniform and authority. A friend of mine, retired head of narc and detective squads for a large New England city, got more pussy than he knew what to do with. And he was an average looking guy, at best. Similarly, when I was a recruiter for one of our armed forces, the local girls dug the uniform. Getting laid was way easier than finding qualified recruits.

      • dubyatf

        Well, yeah-because this cuntry is overrun with sluts and kids who are too dumb to get into the military. Not to take anything away from the dashing figure you cut in uniform, honest.

    • Guppy

      Because we at Wonkett try not to fuck crazy, and the women he gets probably aren't too sane, even before the bruises appear.

      • Nothingisamiss

        John Edwards libel!

      • This will be my official Wonkette Motto: "If I'm fucking crazy, I r doin it rong."

    • ttommyunger

      It's SF, Lizzy and he's straight. How many men in the Bay Area can say that? Four, maybe.

  • occams8ball

    Can't resign. Where else can I get six figures for being an abusive, self-indulgent, sadistic, asshole?

    • freakishlywrong

      The Republican party?

      • Negropolis


    • Chichikovovich

      I think the job as majordomo of Big Hollywood just opened up.

    • MissTaken

      Goldman Sachs?

    • occams8ball

      SORRY! I'm so used to getting a city paycheck, I forgot the private sector even exists.

  • hagajim

    Maybe ol' Sherriff Roscoe and his wife are into some BDSM – and he just forgot to let her in on it – or give her a secret word?

    • doloras

      When she used her safeword he said "BZZT! Wrong! Guess the new one!"

  • Resigning admits guilt. Never resign. Ever.

    For example, a true story: A local town council president was charged after he broke the skull of a random bar patron in Martinsburg, W.Va., home of a notorious strip of titty bars. He did so in the company of his midlife crisis motorcycle "gang," to which he belongs, he claimed publicly, as part of his ongoing efforts to bring Jesus to motorcycle gangs. When the cops got all shirty with him, local papers started wondering if this was the kind of guy who belongs on a town council. So he resigned his presidency, but not his seat, saying that resigning would cheat the voters who elected him.

    Again, true story. His trial awaits.

    • EatFrankRich

      What about the mayor of Sunland Park, NM who is under a restraining order from visiting city hall or communicating with city employees? Oh, oops, he's in jail again. He was just elected, too.

  • MissTaken

    Just some of those San Francisco Values Newt loves so much.

    • SorosBot

      It's the first time Newt and Santorum can support a San Francisco politician!

  • MissTaken

    This story is so fucking with our SF progressive ideals that the alt-weeklies are getting into it over past endorsements of Mirkarimi. It's fun!

  • chicken_thief

    Sheriff Babeu would never act this way.

  • GreatChristiano

    Not sure why anybody would want to leave mystery panties layin' around.

    BTW, Sandra Fluke now believes we should provide her with panties, too.

    She shouldn't have to pay for them, nor should her parents.

    • teebob2000

      I would gladly supply Sandra Fluke with panties. And then collect them again when she's finished with them.

      • GreatChristiano

        Its the weirdest thing, something must be wrong with me in that I just would not want a woman to leave her panties behind.

        Now if she could leave her vagina behind, well that's an "entirely different matter, altogether… "

  • WhatTheHeck

    Oh, c’mon, Rebecca, we’re talking about women here. Were you paying attention in class? According to new republican guidelines, the sheriff is perfectly within his rights to do whatever he chooses to his property.

  • unclejeems

    Eliana Lopez is a babe. Seriously.

  • anniegetyerfun

    What a fucking jackass.

  • Guppy

    Constitutional Crisis!

    In California? Unpossible!

  • Terry


    Lots of women were leaving their panties in his apartment? How does this happen? Do they just forget that they were wearing them when they arrived?

    If a man has lots of panties around his apartment, there really are only three realistic options. 1. He's stealing underwear from dryers at the laundromat or off clotheslines. 2. Those are panties he bought for himself. 3. He hides the panties of women who have sex with him so that they're forced to go home without them.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Guy is getting dressed in the golf course clubhouse. His friend notices he's putting on a pair of women's panties.

      "When did you start wearing those?"

      "Since my wife found them in our bedroom."

    • JohnyEdge

      4. Eliana was leaving a message for Christina.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    A Coltraine has never so much as finger banged a Mirkarimi, and they never will.

  • Redhead

    Gotta be a Dem. Not enough knives/green balloons/rent boys.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    It's easy to get a little bored being SF Sheriff, it's a high title but mostly the department runs jails and guards buildings. Still, it would have been better if he had picked a less quirky hobby than collecting panties. Making the prisoners wear them, perhaps? I know, too Republican….

  • ttommyunger

    That's what you get for being straight in SF, weirdo!

  • Extemporanus

    Before being elected sheriff, big Ross was my district alderman. Back then, he was known more for his Maynard G. Krebs-esque pudding cup beard, booming baritone, and occasional gig as greeter at the farmers market held every Sunday around the corner from my apartment.

    I once saw him eat a cherry tomato without paying for it, but I never told anyone. Also, I had serious reason to believe that he squeezed avocados way too hard when checking for ripeness, though I was never able to catch him in the act. And the rumors I heard regarding the infamous eggplant incident are simply too dark and disturbing to delve into so close to lunch.

    I am deeply sorry and ashamed, dear neighbors. Had I only shown some intestinal fortitude and spoken up, Mrs. Mirkarimi — as well as San Francisco's reputation — might today yet remain unbruised and unbattered. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me.

    (By the way, those "mystery" panties are mine. Please drop them off at the Alamo Square Market, and I'll pick them up later. Thanks!)

  • larrykat

    Wonkette has become a veritable *incubator* for possibly great band names… ladies and gentlemen, please welcome MYSTERY PANTIES!

  • I CANNOT BELIEVE that you did not call me, your Commie Older Brother, for a Money Quote regarding Sherriff Mirkarimi, whom I totally Personally Know and have worked with for almost ten years!

    • commiegirl

      O hai my older brother Eric, can we please have a comment on Sheriff Mirkarimi, whom you personally know and have worked with for almost 10 years?

      • fuflans

        older commie brother eric and commie mom!

        this is a wonkette i can totally believe –

        watch for family feuds…

  • Okay, here 'tis….um, actually, the consensus around here (here being City Hall) is that Sherriff Mirk is being railroaded by a Rose Pak/ex-Chief-Garcon conspiracy. Just ask his telenovela wife! Is it any co-inky-dink that Garcon is fronch for BOY? Just sayin'…..

  • rocktonsam

    i DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. I 'm waiting for FOX NEWZ to talk about Trayvon.

    Dear Mr. Zimmerman,

    The shit is about to hit the fan,

    thank you ASSHOLE!

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