america's greatest pundits

Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Has Learned To Stop Sharing His Sex Stories

Ruffle meYoung Master Ross Douthat, the New York Times op-ed page’s resident Catholic hobbit, has a new book out titled Bad Religion: How We Became a Nation of Heretics, about how screwed we are because of… Jesus… ??… anyway, it is some book. It might even be his best book since the one he wrote about how he couldn’t get it up at Harvard and blamed this on his would-be sex partner. The post that your Wonkette wrote about this still haunts Douthat in interviews — just as it did three years ago, when greatest journalist of all time Brian Lamb (RIP Lamby!) asked him about it. What does he have to say for those of us who thought his gross story about not having boners and shaming ladies on the pill was kinda mean/funny/unnecessary? He agrees!

In a hot new New York magazine Ross Douthat interview/story, Ross admits that he’s toned down his own oversharing so that dumb blogs won’t make fun of him anymore:

Douthat was baptized a liberal New Haven Episcopalian, but when medicine failed his mother’s baffling allergies, the family tried macrobiotics, vegetarianism, and tongues-­speaking Pentecostalism (“A very primal experience”), before finding their calling as devout Catholics. But over a vegetarian lunch at a Middle Eastern joint (he’s given up meat for Lent), Douthat explains why he left his own story out of Bad Religion. Partly, he thinks too much of his life was in his first book, Privilege: Harvard and the Education of the Ruling Class. (One awkward make-out scene led to a Wonkette story headlined MISOGYNIST NECK-BEARD ROSS DOUTHAT SHARES HIS SEXY STORIES.) “Some of these arguments,” he says with the slightest roll of the eyes, “benefit from being depersonalized a little.”

Meh, now it just sounds boring.

At least we know he’s a Muslim.

[NY Mag]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  • nounverb911

    Sorry, I've given up Douchehat for Lent.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      But then how do you stay fresh?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hey, you know, he probably took an awful lot of ribbing behind the scenes from his conservative buddies and realized that to talk about your personal life is to expose yourself, and not in the cool sexytime way of a Senator in a Minneapolis men's room

    You know like the old joke about "Put up a hundred buildings, they don't call me a developer, but suck one cock…"

    • tcaalaw

      Oh, I'm sure that Douthat has taken a lot of ribbing in the behind from his conservative buddies….

    • Bezoar

      Ooh, I always loved that 'Bill the Goatfucker' joke!!

  • bnerd85

    Now if only Douthat could learn to stop sharing his opinions and stories on everything else…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dear New York Times Forum:
    I never thought this would happen to me, but….

  • Barb

    This guy is Manthrax.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    RIP Lamby!

    What, who… Was "Lamby" the Patron saint of Neckbeard's own Church of the Sacrificial Boner?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Note to self: Learn how not to sound so earnestly sincere in your jokes.

  • tihond

    GREG GRAFFIN LIBEL!

    • CZL

      I would pay dearly to see Dr. Graffin debate Douthat.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Quite seriously, I refer to Ross Douthat as "Ross Douthat who has never been seen in the same place at the same time as 'Klaxon Exhaust'", & when I saw the title of his new book, however ironic it is supposed to be, I realized, fuck, Ross Douthat is My Nemesis. There is no doubt, now. None.

  • veritass

    I found myself slow clapping while I read this article.

  • Antispandex

    "…how he couldn’t get it up at Harvard and blamed this on his would-be sex partner."

    This often happens during rapes, according to the literature. Not that I am saying that HE…I mean there are several explanations. He may even be good enough looking to get layed…on some campuses…maybe.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, maybe at Notre Dame or Holy Cross or any of those other Catholic colleges where they train priests.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        Or maybe at a Young Boys School.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          How can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat?

  • HolyCow!!

    I gave up Christianity for Lent.

    • JustPixelz

      You're supposed to give up something you enjoy. Are you following the rules?

      • Biff

        I dunno, giving up Catholicism for Lent that one time helped Colbert out immensely.

    • tessiee

      I made a New Year's resolution not to make any more New Year's resolutions.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Your move, K-Lo. And Peggy Noonan. And Jonah Goldberg.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Must credit Wonkett!

  • SorosBot

    Well who wouldn't be unable to get it up if the sex doesn't carry the risk of knocking up the woman and getting stuck with a screeching hungry shit-making you'll be stuck with for the rest of your life?

    • Fare la Volpe

      It means she was "expecting" to have sex sometime, and that ruins Douchehat's fetish for rape spontaneous sex.

      I'm guessing.

      • SorosBot

        Or he was expecting some clueless virgin, and was horrified at the notion that she might have – gasp! – had sex with guys other than him. And that's the generous reading and it still means he's a total asshole.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Seriously! How can he be expected to mate with a female if he has to scrape rival males' jizz out of her snatch with his barbed member? Sure, he could always punch a hole in her abdomen, but that's so messy and Douchey just got new sheets.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            No, I just think he falls short in comparison, if you get my drift.

            "Is that all? Come on, surely you can go another ten seconds. I was almost aroused!"

          • tessiee

            Amanda Pepperidge: Darn it Greg, if you're not even going to *try*, I'm just going to give up!
            *removes rubber glove*

          • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

            Wow, that is the creepiest, blood-curdling erotica I have ever read.

            ~

            (read it again– but this time, do all the voices!)

          • edgydrifter

            Those Isabella Rossellini insect porn videos are HAWT!!

          • Fare la Volpe

            Watching Isabella dress as a giant earthworm and shove a cardboard penis into another actress was really the highlight of my year.

      • CZL

        Or Douchethat would rather fuck goats. Because he's a goatfucker.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      So I should stop masturbating?

    • MissTaken

      My porn is a copy of the 2012 Baby Names book.

      • SorosBot

        See I was wondering why there seemed to be holes pricked into my unused condoms.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Careful, man. The second one of your little swimmers breaks the egg wall, she bites your head off.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Oh oh….

    • BornInATrailer

      Seems likes there is a great degree of complexity employed here to explain his stuffing-marshmallows-in-a-piggy-bank dilemma.

      Perhaps the issue was he simply wasn't attracted to her? (because she lacked a penis)

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      She wasn't quite drunk enough and she moved. Took all the fun out of it for Young Ross.

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    These sexually frustrated Catholics make me nervous. Him and Santorum needed to have gotten laid much more often and much younger. And not by just the parish priest.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Douthat was baptized a liberal New Haven Episcopalian, but when medicine failed his mother’s baffling allergies, the family tried macrobiotics, vegetarianism, and tongues-­speaking Pentecostalism (“A very primal experience”), before finding their calling as devout Catholics.

    Wait. Catholicism cured her allergies?

    Wow, I better book my flight to Lourdes stat!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      I was wondering about
      ….baptized a liberal…

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        And you'll notice the family careers straight into the snake-handling sect of Pentecostalism, before settling on the baby-rapers.

        You know, for the kids!

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Yes, I had no idea it was possible to baptize someone liberal. I plan to take my little nieces and nephews on an outing very soon. Just as soon as I can secret them away from their O'Reilly-worshiping, Hummer-driving father. "We went swimming, Daddy! In a really little pool."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Good thing they cleared up when they did, or Ross might be wearing saffron robes and handing out flowers at JFK.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        My semi-debilitating allergies cleared up at a time when I happened to be unemployed. Unfortunately for me, my doctor said it was most likely the Nasonex® he gave me, and no, I probably wasn't allergic to work.

    • prommie

      So he went shopping in the spiritual mall? He thought macrobiotics, vegetarianism, and catholicism were somehow alternate choices on some level? How about EST? Did he follow Ramtha? Jeebus christmas, what, was his mother Shirley MacClain?

      • emmelemm

        A Ramtha reference? {SWOON}

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    He could have given up being a pontificating ass for Lent. After all, I was under the impression that you were supposed to "give up" things that were really important to you.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "not having boners… tongues-speaking…"

    I can understand in a way, how seeking out partners for Speaking in Tongues could help Douchey with that little problem, actually.

    • RadioStalingrad

      Or Speaking in Tongue Punching Fartboxes.

  • Baconzgood

    You know that the people who were born Catholic make fun of the converts? It's true. The born Catholics know what is bull shit in the Catholic church and not, but the converts follow every little rule. They are like those people who quit smoking and all of a sudden tell me to put out my smoke because they suddenly developed "allergies". If you think the So-Baptists are nutz you should see the convert Catholics.

    • Biff

      I didn't see no smudge on newt's forehead on Ash Wednesday!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      You're right. I have a sister-in-law who converted to marry my brother. She goes to mass and he doesn't. Just the other day my elderly mother said wistfully, "She's the only good Catholic in our whole family. Including me."

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Those of us who were raised Catholic are in no hurry; we know it's not a competition or anything.

      We find the energetic zeal of the newly minted convert annoying and a bit terrifying.

    • OKthennext

      So that 'splains Santorum?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    (Photo: Courtesy of Ross Douthat)
    Obvs! He looks like a complete choad.

    • stncmchnc

      Choda-boy.

  • Callyson

    I do not believe this individual has ever had sex. I'll need video evidence to believe it.
    Never mind, it was bad enough seeing the photo of Frothy Mix shirtless…

  • littlebigdaddy

    So he joined the largest and best connected pedophile ring in the world led by a former Nazi. We're supposed to listen to him why?

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillatte

    So his stories were always difficult to masturbate to?

  • Fare la Volpe

    Nothing quite gets the blood pumping like imagining a tubby hobbit try to stick his thumb tack in a lady.

  • MissTaken

    You really don't have to convert to Catholicism to get rid of allergies. Allegra is sold OTC nowadays.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Are you kidding? You have to present "ID" at the phramacy "counter" to the "pharmacist".

      Kneeling in front of a priest for his dried out wafer is much easier.

      • MissTaken

        But I'm female, so no "kneeling in front of a priest for his dried out wafer" for me.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          For you, there's the transvaginal eucharist administered by Sister Mary Penetration.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Allegra in the highest, & peace to His people on Earth.

  • Respitetini

    Wait, he went *from* Anglican *to* Roman? Well, I guess there's a first time for everything. What, not enough guilt, shame and misogyny in the Episcopal Church for you?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Unlike the Anglicans, the R.C. Church has an explanation for his mother's misery.

  • MissTaken

    and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to.

    Let us not forget that this man is turned OFF by women with breasts. Yeah, really.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      His are bigger. That would turn me off.

    • SorosBot

      It's harder to imagine them as small teenaged boys.

    • PuckStopsHere

      I'm not. (hint, hint…)

  • SorosBot

    I read the article, and it's far, far too nice to the asshead. First it describes him as "the Times’ youngest and most right-leaning columnist, 32 (and not that right-wing)" – uh, he is that right-wing; he is very fucking right-wing. It also treats the Douchehat as if his ideas are worth listening to, which they're not. All he does is put a pseudo-intellectual shine on the anti-woman and sex arguments and the bigotry against non-Christians that the Rick Santorums of the country express in blunter format. That's it.

    And the NY Times continues to waste space on the pseudo-intellectual members of the far, far right likes of him and David Brooks.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yea, I was sort of tempted to ask ol' Boris there what Douthat's jizz tasted like, but I don't have a login there.

  • revmatty

    Affect

  • Baconzgood

    He looks like a poor man's Vincent D'Onofrio.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I sort of see him cast as a bad Vegas magician at an off-the-strip casino trying really hard to perfect the levitating card trick.

      Or a younger William Frakes.

      Which I guess is pretty much the same thing.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      D'Onofrio has soul. Douchehat does not. Even if they were twins that would show.

    • emmelemm

      No one's that poor.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Ross,

    Nobody gives up science. Or antihistamines.

    Regards,
    Science

  • Baconzgood

    OK Jim. You can take that picture down now. It's kinda starting to freak me out a little.

  • prommie

    I am having trouble masturbating to this comment, because I am suffering from an excess of flaccidity.

    • Guppy

      If only the story didn't say it was on the pill…

  • RadioStalingrad

    Did he give up communion for Lent as well? Because it's basically Jesus Meat.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Douchehat's picture could run with the caption "Unrepentant after series of axe killings"

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Ross Wayne Douchehat. Which he can change to R. Wayne Douchehat if he wants to be a Congressman.

  • el_donaldo

    Ha. ha. Editors should clarify to those with hurt feelings about Wonkette posts: Megan, we love to hate to love you. Toss-up sometimes. Ross, we just don't like you. You're kreepy.

  • Jerri

    He looks like the love child of Ricky Gervais and Orson Welles.

    • BornInATrailer

      If they had a daughter who subsequently went through reassignment surgery and sports the traditional post hormone therapy trim beard over soft cheeks.

    • stncmchnc

      I was thinking Orson Welles and and an Ewok.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Charles Kane to replace Michael Scott on the Office?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Some conversion … if an Episcopalian decides to give the Pope the benefit of the doubt, he becomes your average Catholic.

  • prommie

    Pouty bastard, isn't he? That should be like his title, "Pouty Bastard Ross Douthat, shown here pouting, pouted out another pouty book, but left out the sexy time stories, because, he pouted, "Wonkette will make fun of me."

    • FakaktaSouth

      You know who I want to make fun of? Whoever the person that supposedly had pouty sex with him. I bet he's a cryer. Yeeeetch.

      • prommie

        You just nailed that; see below, a cryer, because he's crying for his mommie, and how she will think he's a dirty dirty boy for having that dirty dirty sex!

      • prommie

        You know, he probably just has to discover that he needs some dominating, it would probably do him a world of good. He'll discover his inner self, dressed in two wetsuits with a 10-inch dildo up his ass.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Oh wow, this must just be that kind of day – a friend at the gym was telling me today about this deacon-guy running for local office here who has a church family outloud, but also a beautiful black secretary lady who rides him around the office with a massive strap on. It's a good day when you get two dildo references, even if Ross the Pouter and a Baptist deacon have to be involved.

          • Biff

            Link, pls?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Nah uh. Diapers.

        • An_Outhouse

          'Needs dominating' is the only reason someone would choose the to convert to Catholicism. There is an ultimate authority to tell you what a bad boy you are. then you describe all your naughty badness in great deal to said authority while authority is hidden in a dark room behind a screen doing god knows what.

  • sullivanst

    You know who else was a vegetarian…

    • RadioStalingrad

      You know who else was sexually ambivalent and impotent?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Hugh Hefner?

    • MosesInvests

      You know who else was raised as a Catholic….

      • horsedreamer_1

        Wallis Simpson?

    • sezme

      You know who else had really creepy facial hair?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Prince?

      • RadioStalingrad

        Leprachauns?

  • prommie

    Mommy issues. Just saying. Mommy issues bad. He became a Catholic because she had allergies? Really? I'm thinking, he is saving himself for someone very very special. Who doesn't have allergies anymore.

  • BornInATrailer

    "What normal college guy, when drunk, is ever repulsed by a willing sexual partner? 0.00%

    I don't think Charles Nelson Riley ever wrote hetero fan-fic, but if he did, I bet it would sound a lot like this."

    Just a wonderful comment on the "That Guy" Gawker story. Ahh, classic.

    • Tundra Grifter

      A willing sexual partner, with or without heaving bosoms spilling from pink pj's.

      Today, of course, that woman looks back on that evening and what she can remember of it and thanks her lucky stars poor Ross couldn't whip it up.

  • rickmaci

    His book is derivative (young William F. Buckley wrote the same book about Ivy League education in the prior century except that WFB's book was actually insightful and literate) and including sleazy descriptions of his own sexual ennui is just plain lame. He is exactly what you would expect from a contemporary conservitard male pundit; looking backwards, has no original ideas and is trying to make the rest of us pay for his sexual inadequacy. Giant FAIL.

    • prommie

      Now I want to see you angry and hating!

  • clblabin

    Douthat then quickly changed the subject, saying he has a "friend" who never gets laid, even though his mother has assured the "friend" that he is a very handsome boy. Douthat blames this fact on women working outside the home, which has caused a crisis of masculinity–a crisis he says is felt across our great land, from conservative cocktail parties in Arlington to conservative cocktail parties in Georgetown. "More of a friend of a friend, really," he added, as a single tear rolled down his puffy cheek and vanished in his tiny beard.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Nice. I wish more us had the time/talent to write sweet subtle parody like that, rather than our usual bitching and name calling.

      Keep up the good work and you'll soon find yourself with an engorged p.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Speaking of "Bad Religion," this book looks quite interesting: " Sword of the Spirit, Shield of Faith: Religion in American War and Diplomacy" by Andrew Preston.

    I have not yet read it. I did hear Terry Gross interview the author on "Fresh Air" and it is know on The List.

  • ph7
    • horsedreamer_1

      What are things worse than Lulu? I'll take damaged by acid for 600$, Alex.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Oh. My. Gawd.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Those are two very, very homely people.

  • sezme

    Let me get this straight: Neckbeard can't eat meat during Lent because his Episcopalian mother had allergies? Pentecostalism didn't work, and somehow America's problem is not enough religion? Airtight argument.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      His NYTimes opinion during the Komen G thing was weird, too. I don't think he likes women. I think this is the piece, unless he did other similar: http://nyti.ms/GBjaoL

  • chascates

    The New York article was titled '140 Minutes With Ross Douthat' which must have seemed far, far longer to the interviewer.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I got halfway into the first paragraph before deciding it wouldn't mix well with my medication.

    • poorgradstudent

      Naturally I had thoughts of the scenes from "Airplane!" where Ted Striker keeps talking, oblivious to the fact that the people he was talking to have committed suicide.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Every time I see a picture of Ross Douthat, the first thing that pops into my mind is that video clip of then-Sen. Larry "Widestance" Craig calling Bill Clinton a "nasty, bad, naughty boy." Maybe that's the lecture Ross gives himself when he looks in the mirror. And he thinks giving up meat for Lent is going to change that?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_Vs5570pKw

  • SaintRond

    I just think about women at Harvard and I get an erection.

    • DahBoner

      I once dated a woman, who thought she was exceptional, or something, just because she graduated from Harvard.

      But she didn't like armpit hair on women, and I told her that was not "exceptional", but rather, quite common.

      THE END.

    • rickmaci

      Sure sign you did not attend Harvard.

      • horsedreamer_1

        He's LINsane in the membrane. (LINsane in the brain.)

  • DahBoner

    Where does it say in the Bible to give up meat for lent or eat fish on Fry-day?

    C-RAZY…

  • dadanarchist

    America's Sluts win another round.

  • halfspin

    So Douthat converted to pre-Vatican II Catholicism after his mother had problems with her allergies? It's not exactly a burning bush on Mt. Sinai or a blinding light on the road to Damascus, but it seems rather more suitable for Chunky Bobo.

  • SaintRond

    Ah, fuck, I just read the offending paragraph. This fuckin' guy is disgusting. And just for writing that piece of shit missive, he deserves to have his face buried in Kathryn Lopez' pussy for eternity after he dies.

  • ttommyunger

    “Some of these arguments…benefit from being depersonalized a little.” I would benefit from never hearing about this douchebag again……ever.

  • smitallica

    Just look at that picture, ladies.
    How do you NOT fuck that????

    • sullivanst

      Let me count the ways…

      Nope, don't have that many digits.