North Carolina Rep. Walter Jones, Ron Paul’s fellow anti-everything old crank who’s occasionally right, is sick of the Afghanistan war, like the vast majority of Americans and people everywhere. But did you even know, like Walter Jones knows, that some guy in China named “Uncle Chang” is paying for the whole thing?

Here goes our “Afghanistan reporting for the week,” with this copy-pasted block quote and video via TPM (thanks TPM!):

In a question to the Commander of U.S. and NATO forces in Afghanistan, General John Allen, Jones said, “What is the event that the administration and General Allen, you sir, are going to be candid with the United States Congress and more important than the Congress, the American people as we spend $10 billion a month that we can’t pay for, the Chinese, Uncle Chang, is lending us the money we are spending in Afghanistan.”

Can anyone explain why we’re not bombing this Uncle Chang fellow right now? John McCain would’ve done it. (No, really, John McCain would’ve invaded mainland China by now.)


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  • The Senor Chang from Community is floating the government? I think they should let him join the study group.

  • AlterNewt

    Bristol is waiting…

    • Is she holding her breath?

      • Not_So_Much

        No, ankles.

        • DaRooster

          No, Cankles.


    • chascates

      She just hasn't developed that victim persona her mom perfected yet, has she?

  • Redhead

    I nominate "Uncle Chang's War Chest" as the new name for Hwy 40 running through NC.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Ching Chong Chang Chinaman Highway.

      That wouldn't be considered "crude or racially insensitive," would it? (In Virginia)

      • Preferred Customer

        No, it would not, in Virginia.

  • I deny Uncle Chang my *essence.*

    precious bodily fluids &c

  • nounverb911

    "Neocon Libel!"

  • prommie

    No tickee, no laundry. Where's Hop Sing?

    • nounverb911

      He opened a casino on the Ponderosa?

  • Barb

    Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China

    • Negropolis

      Barb'll be hear all night, guys! Try the veal!

  • Arken

    Yeah, but come on, Jim, be fair. John McCain would have bombed and/or invaded everywhere by now.

    • Guppy

      So many countries to crash into, so few planes to crash.

  • bnerd85

    This is another incidence of why libertarians piss me off. I agree war is horrible and we should bring our troops home and spend our money on things that don't involve bombing random brown people with the name Ahmed and all that jazz, but is the Red/Yellow Baiting shit necessary to get that point across? Ugh.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      You're just reading a decade-old newsletter with unsigned editorials.

  • Schmannnity

    Sexist bastard. Everyone knows it's Auntie Wong who's footing the bill.

    • MissTaken

      Sounds like Suzie Wong is doing very well for herself, then.

      • Tundra Grifter

        What are we going to do about the younger generation?

      • doloras

        Well, two Wongs don't make a white.

        Too soon?

    • bagofmice

      Emily Wong is a successful woman.

  • Callyson

    “What is the event that the Republicans running for office and Representative Jones, you sir, are going to be candid with the United States Congress and more important than the Congress, the American people as we spend untold billions a month that we can’t pay for, the American people, Main Street, is losing the money we are spending to subsidize tax cuts and bailouts for Wall Street.”
    Well, I can dream…

  • Not_So_Much

    Walnuts is just waiting for someone to shriek "IT'S GO TIME!!"

    Well, and for someone else to tie the Rambo bandana on his head. He can't reach.

  • SoBeach

    "Can anyone explain why we’re not bombing this Uncle Chang fellow right now?"

    …for the same reason you don't flip your dad off at dinner right before you ask to borrow $20 and the car on Friday night.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    "Mr. Jones, a Mr. Chang is on the line. He wants to call in our loan… but wanted to talk to you about it first."

  • ph7

    Uncle Chang don't surf!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And we think he should.

  • dadanarchist

    Wait til he hears about Lo Pan and his green-eyed white girl impregnation policy.

  • MissTaken

    I heard that Monopoly changed the name of Rich Uncle Pennybags to Uncle Chang. Rep Jones is just using terms the kids understand because he's hip like that.

    • SorosBot

      Monopoly? That game's not on the PS3 – is it and XBox 360 exclusive?

  • Ruhe

    Superficially it looks like Uncle Change is paying for the war. The reality is that our gullible Chinese Uncle is simply "investing" in more worthless real estate, this time in the form of undeveloped cliff faces in Central Afghanistan. That guy is a rube.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is Uncle Chang one of them "funny" uncles?

    • ph7

      Yes. He'll put his eggroll in your ducksauce if you're not careful.

  • Baconzgood

    I don't know about Rep. Walter Jones but I'm guessing he voted for the war, and doesn't want to end the Bush tax cuts for the rich….

    • chascates

      It's what the Founders would have wanted.

  • I always thought Steely Dan* was a guy. I'd go around saying "I really dig his music!"
    So I can understand your blunder, Rep. Jones.

    * Imagine when I found out where he the band got his their name, then.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And that Pearl Jam chick, she totally rocked.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        But why would the Floyds name their only son Pink?

        • doloras

          The band is just fantastic, that is truly what I think. Oh, and by the way, which one's Pink?

          • MosesInvests

            Collect call for Mrs. Floyd from Mr. Floyd-will you accept the charges from the United States?

  • Baconzgood

    How is this taking away women's reproductive rights?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's really a terrible thing when you have to "rob Chang to bomb Ahmed."

    • Veritas78

      This might have legs.

      You haven't by any chance copyrighted it, have you? Not that you need to! Sorry I brought it up. I'll just scurry off now…

  • chascates

    Well, I'm sick of kids who were seven or eight years old when we first went into Afghanistan dying there now and for an untold timeline.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Old General Allen really has the "Buck Turgidson" look going on there.

  • neiltheblaze

    It's the casualness of their racism that truly sets Republicans apart.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    He must have watched Mike Daisey's theatrical performance. Soooo compelling…

  • Troglodeity

    Worst "Asians in the Library" cover ever.

  • I think General Allen's fingers were moving for his KA-BAR.

    OT Eds, such mass postings. Ya know some of us have jerbs.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more MSG.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Come on, everyone knows you don't borrow from Uncle Chang. The guy is so annoying, constantly dropping hints about not paying at dinner. "Sheesh, you have a nice weapons system here…. how can you afford that and not pay me back?" kind of crap.

    No, if you are going to borrow money, get if from Uncle Chong. He is like totally cool and will still smoke you out even if you owe him.

  • nounverb911

    How about "Owner of America"?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Don't tell Rep. Jones the biggest "buyer" of US Treasury debt is the Federal government.

    His head would explode like a stepped on wonton.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Audit the Fed!

    • Negropolis

      Pork dumpling libel!

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?

  • Lucidamente1

    I'll remember that next time I order General Tso's chicken.

  • OneDollarJuana

    I bet Uncle Chang thinks Uncle Cracker is a racist bigot.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wang Chang. Now that was a pretty cool band. I really dug their soundtrack on that "To Live and Die in L.A." film.

    • Ah yes, Dance Harrs Days, lemembel them werr!

  • BarackMyWorld

    What percent of the national debt is actually held by China again?

  • That's "P.F. Chang" to you, Dr. Jones…

  • Is that any relation to Walter's Uncle Cracker?

  • FNMA

    Great thing about borrowing money from Uncle Chang is you call and no matter how much you're borrowing, he always says, "Ten minutes."

    • Veritas78

      But then an hour later you need more.

  • OneYieldRegular

    The only surprising thing about this is that he didn't invoke Fu Manchu.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Show us Uncle Chang's long-form birth certificate!!1!

  • Mahousu

    Yeah, every time we have to borrow from Uncle Chang, he goes off on this long lecture about how when he was a child, he worked two jobs, just so he could pay for all of his wars himself. Bo-ring!

    I liked it better when we were borrowing from Lisa Chan. Not only was she nicer to look at, she never lectured.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    No Tickey, No Laundry!

  • elgin_pelican

    Be honest folks. Isn't this better than blaming Jew Bankers, like we did back in the day?

    • Veritas78

      How was spring break? Cuz you totally missed Goldman Sachs week. And yes, they did take over the world, the end.

  • General Tsao provides the MREs.

  • This is good news for Egg Shen.

  • Studebaker Hawk

    In fairness, Chang and Eng (famous 19th century conjoined twins) did live their adult lives in North Carolina, so Chang may literally be his uncle.

    Or maybe he's just an ignoramus. See also: Jones, Walter; "Freedom Fries."

    • horsedreamer_1

      They also owned slaves.

  • teebob2000

    The very first 2 words of this story told me all I needed to know.

  • owhatever

    None of my best friends are Walter Jones.

  • Mr Pre-Press

    Uncle Chang, poontang…aaaah, what the hell!

  • maxxy_w

    Shouldn't that be Uncle Chiang, as in Chiang Kai-shek? I think the old guy's forgotten that it's not still 1938.

  • ttommyunger

    Oh Walter, you so funny… lend you long time….

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