everything must go

Virginia Selling Off Naming Rights To Roads, Bridges For Pennies On The Dollar

Narrowly avoided, with sponsorship.Virginia’s General Assembly would like to stake out a claim to fame that maybe DOESN’T involve the terms “transvaginal ultrasound” or “state-sanctioned clinical rape,” for once this year. So now the esteemed legislators of the Commonwealth have decided that pawning off its roads and bridges for a few shekels is just the ticket for shaking off the state’s recent well-earned national ridicule. Yes, beginning July 1st, anyone with a certified check between $5,000 and $200,000 can rename any Virginian road or bridge, thereby allowing lawmakers to avoid the pesky political problem of asking voters to pay taxes so their roads don’t dissolve into the Earth. Because what are we, GAY ROMANS?

To wit:

Legislation approved by the General Assembly allows the state to sell naming rights for roads and bridges.

Names that are vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive are prohibited. Also barred are names that condone or encourage violence or that describe illegal activities or substances.

Make no mistake: all the new names will be ‘vulgar.’ There’s just no way, no how that taking the Dulcolax Expressway, getting off at the exit for the AshleyMadison.com Turnpike, and making the first right onto Head and Shoulders Route 162 can be called elegant.

So Virginians and unwitting passers-through, be sure to enjoy giving and/or getting directions using these newly named roads, half of which will end up with “vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive” sex-and-poop definitions on Urban Dictionary, which you may then consider adding to your sex-and-poop repertoire. [Richmond Times-Dispatch]

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    1. Terry

      Thankfully, the Monument isn't in Virginia. Virginians screwed up the name of National Airport years ago. That's as close as their getting to naming another landmark.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    "Names that are vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive are prohibited. Also barred are names that condone or encourage violence or that describe illegal activities or substances."

    So, right-wing plans to rename the Chesapeake Bay Bridge to "No More Ni**er Presidents, Ever" Bridge had to be shelved?

    1. cheetojeebus

      Dang it, you beat me by 3 damn minutes! which is just sad that it took me that long to type it.

    1. Callyson

      Narrow? After suffering the advances of Newt I'm not sure that anything about Callista is narrow…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I doubt there's too many people in the whole USA that know what a "whip-round" is. Sounds vaguely kinky.

    2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      What is a whip-round an are nazi uniforms involved? Being half Austrian and part German I think it might be in poor taste for me to dress up like a nazi.

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Still confused. How will having a quickie get us any closer to naming something SkullF*ck drive?

  2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Two questions: how fast can I cash out my 401k? And do you guys think "skullf*cking" would be considered vulgar?

  3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I really wonder what they consider vulgar. I mean, within the state of Washington resides the intersection of kitchen-dick road and woodcock lane.

      1. Baconzgood

        There is a "Lower Dicker" joke with a reference to my lil' lady but I just can't flush it out.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      If those churches were paying their taxes to begin with, we wouldn't have this problem!

  4. Maman

    How many Ronald Reagan expressways are there going to be now? ugh. It will be like finding a Robert Moses Parkway in New York, only virtually no one knows who Robert Moses was

      1. Maman

        He cut EVERYTHING in half in NYS and put his name on it. That was a man who knew how to get shit done. Even if his approach was evil.

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        Among other things. I tried reading Caro's "The Power Broker" and could only get about 1/3rd of the way through, that Moses guy was such a stupendous asshole that it almost made me physically ill to read about him.

        1. MoeDeLawn

          Caro is some of the heaviest lifting I've ever done, but I got through the LBJ books, and it was well worth the time and effort. Power Broker is on the to-do list (if I live past 124) (halfway there…).

    1. Deportably_Jose

      He's the urban planner who made sure New York (and consequentially every city in America, because copycats) was choked with obtrusive highways that make it impossible to get anywhere except by car, and decidedly unpleasant to get there that way. SoHo only exists today, rather than being yet another highway, because the residents fought tooth and nail until people finally lost interest and abandoned Moses's proposal to pave over the entire neighborhood. I believe it took 30 years of fighting.

      So honestly, when you think about it, naming every highway in New York after Robert Moses is actually kinda a fitting tribute.

    2. GeorgiaBurning

      Here in California, we have him to thank for the Giants and Dodgers; as he pissed off Walter O'Malley.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    "Names that are vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive are prohibited. Also barred are names that condone or encourage violence or that describe illegal activities or substances."

    Then how in fucking hell did they get away with renaming National Airport????

    1. ChernobylSoup

      True fact: Just a few minutes ago the Little Rock airport commission approved changing the name to the Bill and Hillary Clinton Airport. No snark; just saying.

  6. Designer_Rants

    OT: But had to share. I'm on vacay and drove down to the little grocery store yesterday and saw this.

    On further introspection, maybe the joke's on me: Maybe it's a meta-comment on how if Paul were president, he would not have supported a bailout of the wrecked auto industry. This guy is obviously sophisticated in his political activism.

  7. Callyson

    Stay out of My Uterus Expressway
    Marriage Equality Today Turnpike
    Fight Income Inequality Route 69
    Hey, this is fun! Now, all I need is some money to get things started…

  8. bnerd85

    Names that are vulgar? Does that mean they'll ban any street from being named after Ronald Regan?

  9. Barb

    Eric Cantor Jerk St? (nah) Eric Cantor Jerk Ave? (nah) Eric Cantor Jerk Circle. Where do I send my check?

  10. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Is this all based on one-time fees, or will Google Maps need an update with each election cycle? Think of all the Christians who enjoy "Tim Tebow Boulevard" today, and the puzzled faces of people in a few years when they ask "Who is Tim Tebow?!"

  11. Wonderthing

    Virginia's New State Motto: "Once A Depressed Catatonic Excuse For A State, Always A Depressed Catatonic Excuse For A State".

  12. Hera Sent Me

    Just go west on the Depends Adult Diapers Expressway until you come to the intersection with Preparation H Road. Turn right and look for Vagasil Lane. Turn right again, go through two traffic lights, and the next intersection will be with Valtrex Street. Turn left. Our house is the third one on the left, on the corner with Lotrimin AF Road.

  13. LesBontemps

    So, Virginia's Jefferson Davis Highway is somehow not offensive? To Americans, at least?

  14. SorosBot

    Soon everything will be sold for naming rights. Here they recently changed one of our subway stations – the one that you take to get to the sports stadiums – from Pattison Avenue Station to AT&T Station. Urgh.

    1. dinkybossetti

      I know! The first time I got off the train after that re-naming, I couldn't figure out why it said AT&T everywhere and briefly wondered if a new stop had been added while I was away. Then, for a second, I thought they must have bought naming rights for the entire sports complex.

  15. Baconzgood

    Make a right on Trojan go down two lights and across Coors till you reach the intersection of SafeWay and Flowers.com. Then make a left at Rite aid and you'll be on Friday's and that's where you'll find the 7-11.

  16. Chichikovovich

    I'm thinking that the Virginia section of the main road to Atlanta should be the General Sherman March to the Sea express. Should we take up a collection?

  17. SorosBot

    Doesn't Virgina already have a bunch of street names that are "racially or ethnically offensive"? You know, the ones named after the vile traitors who hated America and fought against their own country because they wanted to continue owning black people as slaves. Those are really fucking offensive.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I'm with you 100% on that one. But I see an upside. Since Virginia is committed to regarding all the streets named after civil war "heros", battles, etc. as non-offensive, I suppose they won't have any objection to my renaming the main road through Richmond as "Treason in Defense of Slavery Avenue".

    2. Jukesgrrl

      I've always especially enjoyed Jefferson Davis Highway running right alongside our nation's capital across the Potomac. When I lived in DC, I took an apartment in the more expensive District rather than Arlington because that thing made me so sick. I totally understand how many residents of the south feel about the flag of the Confederacy flying so proudly in their states.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    Pfizer is putting a bid in to change the name of the Blue Ridge Mountains to the Blue Pill Mountains.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      I'm sure that will cure the Appalachian Trail's deep seeded insecurities towards the Rocky Mountains.

  19. bnerd85

    Also, I don't think they would know what the term Rusty Moose means so I think I'll slip that in as a suggestion.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if the sponsors will have to provide maintenance on their little pieces of infrastructure. "Bridge repair brought to you by Coca-Cola." No thanks.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Sure – Obamacare Dead End…this could go badly… of course there's always the "Paul Ryan Slippery When Wet" bridge signs….

  21. poorgradstudent

    As a native Virginian, the only silver lining I can see is raising enough money to rename the Jerry Falwell Parkway the John Waters Parkway.

  22. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Trailer parks on "Domestic Disturbance Road" and "Generic Drugs Lane"

    My sister-in-law lives on "She's Saved Today, But She Put Out For Everyone Years Ago Street"

    I would always drive on "YOU Program The Goddamn GPS Next Time Avenue".

  23. sullivanst

    Who gets to decide what's "socially, racially or ethnically offensive", and what's the betting that whoever that is will see nothing wrong with "David Duke Drive" while being appalled by the sheer insensitivity of the "Martin Luther King Freeway"?

    1. Biff

      I'm sure they'll be tied into the DMV's database of prohibited words/terms. Or Urban Dictionary, same thing.

  24. chascates

    The 'I'm a Stupid Moron With an Ugly Face and Big Butt and My Butt Smells and I Like to Kiss My Own Butt Moe Szyslak Memorial Parkway'.

    Also known as Senator John Warner Road.

  25. Mumbletypeg

    Lickinghole-y cow! Virginia has a lot of perverted-sounding names already.
    The advantage to getting streets named thusly, and not just regions/ locales, is there'll be fun street signs to try and steal.

  26. Mr Pre-Press

    Look for the Hugh Jass Interchange on the Powhite Parkway. And good luck with "Bong Recreation Area", Illinois already has that one.

  27. Troglodeity

    The Barack Hussein Obama Expressway.

    Let's see the f***ers try to disqualify that somehow.

  28. poorgradstudent

    To quote my friend Dan, "..some poor rural town is going to end up with the intersection of John Wayne and Optimus Prime blvds."

  29. owhatever

    Hang a left on The Yankees Won the War Street, then in a mile, turn left on Abraham Lincoln Lane and go straight on to Ulysses Grant Street. When you cross Grant, bear right on General William Tecumseh Sherman Boulevard until you reach Bobby Lee Got His Butt Whipped Avenue. You're there.

  30. nobodyssweetheart

    I'd finish the job they started… name every single street "Glebe Rd." Good luck finding anything ever again.

  31. barto

    Does "re-nig" qualify as "vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive"? According to some…

  32. Terry

    I was thinking more along the lines of rival ACC and other regional schools buying the naming rights to all the roads and bridges around Charlottesville. Each school could auction off the naming rights for their road to rich alumni or fraternities. Imagine UVa campus being surrounded by roads such as:

    "UVa Basketball Has Sucked Since Ralph Sampson" Road
    "UVa Lacrosse: The Warden's Favorite Team" Road
    "Go Hokies!" Bridge

  33. Fukui-sanYesOta

    It's Not That Close
    See You In Court
    Dental Bridge

    of course, part of me wants to pony up just so I can annoy people by renaming their road "Adolf Hitler Street"

  34. HarryButtle

    Virginia’s General Assembly would like to stake out a claim to fame that maybe DOESN’T involve the terms “transvaginal ultrasound” or “state-sanctioned clinical rape,” for once this year.

    Let's combine the two…the Transvaginal Ultrasound Expressway!

  35. elburritodeluxe

    ObamaWasBornintheUSA Highway
    CharlesDarwinWasRight Road
    the GlobalWarmingisReal Bridge

  36. lochnessmonster

    First road, Santorum Highway! But seriously, how much will it cost to put all new signage all over the state?

  37. Steverino247

    I got it! Perfect name for a Virginia highway, bridge or whatever:

    "First Minnesota Volunteer Infantry (highway, bridge, etc.)"

    And if you don't get that reference: http://discussions.mnhs.org/collections/2007/12/v

    Since I know the guy in charge of the First Minnesota Vols (re-enactors), I'm going to suggest they submit that entry.

    (DEATH TO TRAITORS Highway would be pretty good, too.)

  38. Negropolis

    Can we rename cities in the state? I propose Newport News-of-the-World and Vagina Beach.

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