EVERYTHING MUST GO  12:56 pm March 20, 2012

Virginia Selling Off Naming Rights To Roads, Bridges For Pennies On The Dollar

by Kaia Mursi

Narrowly avoided, with sponsorship.Virginia’s General Assembly would like to stake out a claim to fame that maybe DOESN’T involve the terms “transvaginal ultrasound” or “state-sanctioned clinical rape,” for once this year. So now the esteemed legislators of the Commonwealth have decided that pawning off its roads and bridges for a few shekels is just the ticket for shaking off the state’s recent well-earned national ridicule. Yes, beginning July 1st, anyone with a certified check between $5,000 and $200,000 can rename any Virginian road or bridge, thereby allowing lawmakers to avoid the pesky political problem of asking voters to pay taxes so their roads don’t dissolve into the Earth. Because what are we, GAY ROMANS?

To wit:

Legislation approved by the General Assembly allows the state to sell naming rights for roads and bridges.

Names that are vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive are prohibited. Also barred are names that condone or encourage violence or that describe illegal activities or substances.

Make no mistake: all the new names will be ‘vulgar.’ There’s just no way, no how that taking the Dulcolax Expressway, getting off at the exit for the AshleyMadison.com Turnpike, and making the first right onto Head and Shoulders Route 162 can be called elegant.

So Virginians and unwitting passers-through, be sure to enjoy giving and/or getting directions using these newly named roads, half of which will end up with “vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive” sex-and-poop definitions on Urban Dictionary, which you may then consider adding to your sex-and-poop repertoire. [Richmond Times-Dispatch]

 
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{ 145 comments }

Barb March 20, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I want to purchase "Uncle Fucker Avenue"

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm

That's in Vatican City.

nounverb911 March 20, 2012 at 12:58 pm

In other news the Washington Monument is now sponsored by Viagra.

Terry March 20, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Thankfully, the Monument isn't in Virginia. Virginians screwed up the name of National Airport years ago. That's as close as their getting to naming another landmark.

BaldarTFlagass March 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

"Names that are vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive are prohibited. Also barred are names that condone or encourage violence or that describe illegal activities or substances."

So, right-wing plans to rename the Chesapeake Bay Bridge to "No More Ni**er Presidents, Ever" Bridge had to be shelved?

Fare la Volpe March 20, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Of course not. The N-word isn't racially offensive.

Construction begins Monday.

actor212 March 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm

So no more Viginia Pipollini?

Biff March 20, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Yes, I hear she was wildly popular!

actor212 March 20, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Three men died laying-a her!

ChernobylSoup March 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

This idea has santorum all over it.

Arken March 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Nothing offensive, huh. Oh well, there goes my plan for the Hershey Highway.

cheetojeebus March 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Dang it, you beat me by 3 damn minutes! which is just sad that it took me that long to type it.

4TheTurnstiles March 20, 2012 at 1:00 pm

In Fairfax County, find the Callista Gingrich Narrow Causeway (no carpool lane)

Callyson March 20, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Narrow? After suffering the advances of Newt I'm not sure that anything about Callista is narrow…

Biff March 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm

It's true–that's why she has remained childless all these married years.

Limeylizzie March 20, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Could we Wonketteers have a whip-round and buy one?

BaldarTFlagass March 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I doubt there's too many people in the whole USA that know what a "whip-round" is. Sounds vaguely kinky.

chascates March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

LimeyLizzie makes whip-smart comments in a whip-stitch!

LesBontemps March 20, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I'm sure hoping it is.

freakishlywrong March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Any bridge over any of the many sounds: "Trans Virginial Ultrasound"

Limeylizzie March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Perfect

AbandonHope March 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

OH MY GOD. A billion spiritual upfists for that.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

What is a whip-round an are nazi uniforms involved? Being half Austrian and part German I think it might be in poor taste for me to dress up like a nazi.

Limeylizzie March 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm
Fare la Volpe March 20, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Just one?

not that Dewey March 20, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I don't see that they are mutually exclusive.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Still confused. How will having a quickie get us any closer to naming something SkullF*ck drive?

Limeylizzie March 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Maybe pick the other definition , BS-FD.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 20, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Two questions: how fast can I cash out my 401k? And do you guys think "skullf*cking" would be considered vulgar?

dadanarchist March 20, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Expressway to Yr Skullfuck.

too obscure?

Biff March 20, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Sam and Dave still hold the patent, don't they?

cheetojeebus March 20, 2012 at 1:01 pm

The Hershey Highway

Spurning Beer March 20, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Don't tell me they're going to rename Macaca Bridge?!

Barb March 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"NASCAR is Just a Bunch of Rednecks Turning Left a Lot Boulevard"

Schmannnity March 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Mike Hunt Flyover

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

…is there a landing strip nearby?

Schmannnity March 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Just to the North.

Gratuitous World March 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm

So "Sluts + Whores Highway" is still in play, right?

Toomush_Infer March 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm

No, but there's always : "Big Slutty Highway"….extemporize…

seppdecker March 20, 2012 at 1:49 pm

That would lead into DC, right?

actor212 March 20, 2012 at 1:54 pm

In Virginia? It could go to Front Royal, too.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 20, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I really wonder what they consider vulgar. I mean, within the state of Washington resides the intersection of kitchen-dick road and woodcock lane.

Limeylizzie March 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I grew up near a village called Upper Dicker.

nounverb911 March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Is that near Intercourse, PA?

Limeylizzie March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm
GunToting[Redacted] March 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Must be just outside of Blue Ball, PA.

Baconzgood March 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm

There is a "Lower Dicker" joke with a reference to my lil' lady but I just can't flush it out.

bagofmice March 20, 2012 at 2:09 pm

If this condition lasts for more than 4 hours, you should call your humorologist.

actor212 March 20, 2012 at 1:55 pm

BAH!

We have Dyker Heights here in NYC

bureaucrap March 20, 2012 at 1:03 pm

So, santorum ave. is or isn't permitted?

MissTaken March 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

No, but the Santorum River is fair game.

Biff March 20, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Canal, maybe?

Toomush_Infer March 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Think smaller – Santorum Alley…

Jus_Wonderin March 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Damn, at those prices I can only afford to sponsor a sidewalk. Doggie Do Parkway?

ChernobylSoup March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

$5000 is just low enough to get right wing church groups involved. Oh the humanity.

Millennial Malaise March 20, 2012 at 1:56 pm

If those churches were paying their taxes to begin with, we wouldn't have this problem!

Maman March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

How many Ronald Reagan expressways are there going to be now? ugh. It will be like finding a Robert Moses Parkway in New York, only virtually no one knows who Robert Moses was

nounverb911 March 20, 2012 at 1:07 pm

He cut the Bronx in half, while preventing the poors from getting out to Jones Beach.

Maman March 20, 2012 at 1:11 pm

He cut EVERYTHING in half in NYS and put his name on it. That was a man who knew how to get shit done. Even if his approach was evil.

BaldarTFlagass March 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Among other things. I tried reading Caro's "The Power Broker" and could only get about 1/3rd of the way through, that Moses guy was such a stupendous asshole that it almost made me physically ill to read about him.

MoeDeLawn March 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Caro is some of the heaviest lifting I've ever done, but I got through the LBJ books, and it was well worth the time and effort. Power Broker is on the to-do list (if I live past 124) (halfway there…).

Deportably_Jose March 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm

He's the urban planner who made sure New York (and consequentially every city in America, because copycats) was choked with obtrusive highways that make it impossible to get anywhere except by car, and decidedly unpleasant to get there that way. SoHo only exists today, rather than being yet another highway, because the residents fought tooth and nail until people finally lost interest and abandoned Moses's proposal to pave over the entire neighborhood. I believe it took 30 years of fighting.

So honestly, when you think about it, naming every highway in New York after Robert Moses is actually kinda a fitting tribute.

GeorgiaBurning March 20, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Here in California, we have him to thank for the Giants and Dodgers; as he pissed off Walter O'Malley.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Every one-way street should be named "Santorum Road".

actor212 March 20, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Only if it goes to the extreme right

BaldarTFlagass March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

"Names that are vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive are prohibited. Also barred are names that condone or encourage violence or that describe illegal activities or substances."

Then how in fucking hell did they get away with renaming National Airport????

ChernobylSoup March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

True fact: Just a few minutes ago the Little Rock airport commission approved changing the name to the Bill and Hillary Clinton Airport. No snark; just saying.

Biff March 20, 2012 at 2:01 pm

There's a landing strip I don't want to spend much time thinking about.

Designer_Rants March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

OT: But had to share. I'm on vacay and drove down to the little grocery store yesterday and saw this.

On further introspection, maybe the joke's on me: Maybe it's a meta-comment on how if Paul were president, he would not have supported a bailout of the wrecked auto industry. This guy is obviously sophisticated in his political activism.

chascates March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I'll take Nat Turner Road in Richmond for $100.

Callyson March 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Stay out of My Uterus Expressway
Marriage Equality Today Turnpike
Fight Income Inequality Route 69
Hey, this is fun! Now, all I need is some money to get things started…

bnerd85 March 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Names that are vulgar? Does that mean they'll ban any street from being named after Ronald Regan?

GeorgiaBurning March 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I'll chip in for a Ronald Reagan sewage treatment facility

Deportably_Jose March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Names that are vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive are prohibited

Well, so much for the Governor Bob McDonnell Thruway, I suppose.

Designer_Rants March 20, 2012 at 1:15 pm

"Transvaj Tunnel" should work, since it's all their legislature talks about publicly.

Deportably_Jose March 20, 2012 at 1:19 pm

TVUS 66?

WiscDad March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

So I guess Hershey Highway is out.

Sorry Arden…just saw it

Barb March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Eric Cantor Jerk St? (nah) Eric Cantor Jerk Ave? (nah) Eric Cantor Jerk Circle. Where do I send my check?

nirrti_rachelle March 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Treasure Trail?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 20, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Is this all based on one-time fees, or will Google Maps need an update with each election cycle? Think of all the Christians who enjoy "Tim Tebow Boulevard" today, and the puzzled faces of people in a few years when they ask "Who is Tim Tebow?!"

Wonderthing March 20, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Virginia's New State Motto: "Once A Depressed Catatonic Excuse For A State, Always A Depressed Catatonic Excuse For A State".

Hera Sent Me March 20, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Just go west on the Depends Adult Diapers Expressway until you come to the intersection with Preparation H Road. Turn right and look for Vagasil Lane. Turn right again, go through two traffic lights, and the next intersection will be with Valtrex Street. Turn left. Our house is the third one on the left, on the corner with Lotrimin AF Road.

LesBontemps March 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

So, Virginia's Jefferson Davis Highway is somehow not offensive? To Americans, at least?

Redhead March 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Oh there is just NO WAY this could end badly. None.

Someone call Dan Savage.

SorosBot March 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Soon everything will be sold for naming rights. Here they recently changed one of our subway stations – the one that you take to get to the sports stadiums – from Pattison Avenue Station to AT&T Station. Urgh.

dinkybossetti March 20, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I know! The first time I got off the train after that re-naming, I couldn't figure out why it said AT&T everywhere and briefly wondered if a new stop had been added while I was away. Then, for a second, I thought they must have bought naming rights for the entire sports complex.

Baconzgood March 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Make a right on Trojan go down two lights and across Coors till you reach the intersection of SafeWay and Flowers.com. Then make a left at Rite aid and you'll be on Friday's and that's where you'll find the 7-11.

Jus_Wonderin March 20, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Can I take the 7-11 upstate or do I need to connect to the Office Depot?

Oblios_Cap March 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Would Dirty Sanchez Street be too ethnic?

Chichikovovich March 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I'm thinking that the Virginia section of the main road to Atlanta should be the General Sherman March to the Sea express. Should we take up a collection?

ChernobylSoup March 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I'll donate my kid's college fund for this.

weej_bain March 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Saul Alinsky Freeway?
Free Market Invisible Hand Toll Road?

SorosBot March 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Doesn't Virgina already have a bunch of street names that are "racially or ethnically offensive"? You know, the ones named after the vile traitors who hated America and fought against their own country because they wanted to continue owning black people as slaves. Those are really fucking offensive.

Chichikovovich March 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I'm with you 100% on that one. But I see an upside. Since Virginia is committed to regarding all the streets named after civil war "heros", battles, etc. as non-offensive, I suppose they won't have any objection to my renaming the main road through Richmond as "Treason in Defense of Slavery Avenue".

Jukesgrrl March 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I've always especially enjoyed Jefferson Davis Highway running right alongside our nation's capital across the Potomac. When I lived in DC, I took an apartment in the more expensive District rather than Arlington because that thing made me so sick. I totally understand how many residents of the south feel about the flag of the Confederacy flying so proudly in their states.

BaldarTFlagass March 20, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Pfizer is putting a bid in to change the name of the Blue Ridge Mountains to the Blue Pill Mountains.

Millennial Malaise March 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I'm sure that will cure the Appalachian Trail's deep seeded insecurities towards the Rocky Mountains.

Biff March 20, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Or at least the Parkway?

bnerd85 March 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Also, I don't think they would know what the term Rusty Moose means so I think I'll slip that in as a suggestion.

chascates March 20, 2012 at 1:17 pm

William Jefferson Clinton Cigarway?

mookwrthwilson March 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I propose naming some roads in the whitest part of town "Louis Farrakhan Blvd."

Advn2rgirl March 20, 2012 at 4:20 pm

We already have the Powhite Parkway outside of Richmond.

Schmannnity March 20, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Ultrasound Throughway.

QwertyToo March 20, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Transvaginal Turnpike sounds better

Barrelhse March 20, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Let's chip in, buy them all, and name them each "Obama."

BaldarTFlagass March 20, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I wonder if the sponsors will have to provide maintenance on their little pieces of infrastructure. "Bridge repair brought to you by Coca-Cola." No thanks.

Toomush_Infer March 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Sure – Obamacare Dead End…this could go badly… of course there's always the "Paul Ryan Slippery When Wet" bridge signs….

poorgradstudent March 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

As a native Virginian, the only silver lining I can see is raising enough money to rename the Jerry Falwell Parkway the John Waters Parkway.

FNMA March 20, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Nah. Larry Flynt Boulevard.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ March 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Trailer parks on "Domestic Disturbance Road" and "Generic Drugs Lane"

My sister-in-law lives on "She's Saved Today, But She Put Out For Everyone Years Ago Street"

I would always drive on "YOU Program The Goddamn GPS Next Time Avenue".

sullivanst March 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Who gets to decide what's "socially, racially or ethnically offensive", and what's the betting that whoever that is will see nothing wrong with "David Duke Drive" while being appalled by the sheer insensitivity of the "Martin Luther King Freeway"?

Biff March 20, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I'm sure they'll be tied into the DMV's database of prohibited words/terms. Or Urban Dictionary, same thing.

sullivanst March 20, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Is there anything that would be allowed if they tied in to Urban Dictionary? ;)

Biff March 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Trufax: I had "I♥HEAD" on my bike for 25 years, until I re-registered it in another state.

chascates March 20, 2012 at 1:22 pm

The 'I'm a Stupid Moron With an Ugly Face and Big Butt and My Butt Smells and I Like to Kiss My Own Butt Moe Szyslak Memorial Parkway'.

Also known as Senator John Warner Road.

slowhansolo March 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

When I catch you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains.

Jus_Wonderin March 20, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I vote for Skullfuck Pointe Lane.

dadanarchist March 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

No Niggerhead Bridge then, eh?

Damn.

Mumbletypeg March 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Lickinghole-y cow! Virginia has a lot of perverted-sounding names already.
The advantage to getting streets named thusly, and not just regions/ locales, is there'll be fun street signs to try and steal.

Mr Pre-Press March 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Look for the Hugh Jass Interchange on the Powhite Parkway. And good luck with "Bong Recreation Area", Illinois already has that one.

QwertyToo March 20, 2012 at 2:08 pm

actually the Bong Recreation Area is in Wisconsin

nirrti_rachelle March 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Sesame Street. Yeah, I'm five.

Terry March 20, 2012 at 1:50 pm

That HAS to be the name of the main road on to UVa campus.

outragedcitizen March 20, 2012 at 1:30 pm

So, would "Santorum Highway" be obscene/vulgar or not?

Troglodeity March 20, 2012 at 1:30 pm

The Barack Hussein Obama Expressway.

Let's see the f***ers try to disqualify that somehow.

poorgradstudent March 20, 2012 at 1:31 pm

To quote my friend Dan, "..some poor rural town is going to end up with the intersection of John Wayne and Optimus Prime blvds."

iburl March 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

The Rick Santorum/Hershey Highway

nirrti_rachelle March 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

O.J. Dead End? Nope, not talking about *that* O,J. Nosiree…..

owhatever March 20, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Hang a left on The Yankees Won the War Street, then in a mile, turn left on Abraham Lincoln Lane and go straight on to Ulysses Grant Street. When you cross Grant, bear right on General William Tecumseh Sherman Boulevard until you reach Bobby Lee Got His Butt Whipped Avenue. You're there.

nobodyssweetheart March 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I'd finish the job they started… name every single street "Glebe Rd." Good luck finding anything ever again.

johnnyzhivago March 20, 2012 at 1:40 pm

DRIVE OFF THIS BRIDGE

barto March 20, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Does "re-nig" qualify as "vulgar, obscene or socially, racially or ethnically offensive"? According to some…

BornInATrailer March 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Anything with Goatse in it.

Terry March 20, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I was thinking more along the lines of rival ACC and other regional schools buying the naming rights to all the roads and bridges around Charlottesville. Each school could auction off the naming rights for their road to rich alumni or fraternities. Imagine UVa campus being surrounded by roads such as:

"UVa Basketball Has Sucked Since Ralph Sampson" Road
"UVa Lacrosse: The Warden's Favorite Team" Road
"Go Hokies!" Bridge

Sharkey March 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Snark Street

Fukui-sanYesOta March 20, 2012 at 2:14 pm

It's Not That Close
See You In Court
Dental Bridge

of course, part of me wants to pony up just so I can annoy people by renaming their road "Adolf Hitler Street"

Nesnora March 20, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Oh, the possibilities for dead-end streets…

HarryButtle March 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Virginia’s General Assembly would like to stake out a claim to fame that maybe DOESN’T involve the terms “transvaginal ultrasound” or “state-sanctioned clinical rape,” for once this year.

Let's combine the two…the Transvaginal Ultrasound Expressway!

Jukesgrrl March 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

How about we take up a collection and re-name the Jefferson Davis Highway the Virginia is for Douchebags Highway.

elburritodeluxe March 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm

ObamaWasBornintheUSA Highway
CharlesDarwinWasRight Road
the GlobalWarmingisReal Bridge

lochnessmonster March 20, 2012 at 5:32 pm

First road, Santorum Highway! But seriously, how much will it cost to put all new signage all over the state?

Steverino247 March 20, 2012 at 7:24 pm

I got it! Perfect name for a Virginia highway, bridge or whatever:

"First Minnesota Volunteer Infantry (highway, bridge, etc.)"

And if you don't get that reference: http://discussions.mnhs.org/collections/2007/12/v

Since I know the guy in charge of the First Minnesota Vols (re-enactors), I'm going to suggest they submit that entry.

(DEATH TO TRAITORS Highway would be pretty good, too.)

Negropolis March 21, 2012 at 2:45 am

Can we rename cities in the state? I propose Newport News-of-the-World and Vagina Beach.

ttommyunger March 21, 2012 at 8:39 am

Most traveled will be the "Get Me the Fuck Out of Here" Highway, I'm sure.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Nooooooo!

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