Thought we were done with Rick Santorum, did you? Well SO DID WE! Then GQ had to go discover his Secret Service code name, which is Petrus, as in Rock, as in Peter, as in “And on this rock I shall build my Church,” which in no way, shape or form could be construed as JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE MESSIANIC BALLS ON THAT GUY! We are talking Gingrichian levels of self-regard with this sucker, but with that special American Jeebus twist. (If Gingrich pretends to be holy or religious, he ain’t pretendin’ too terribly hard.) Just … just … gah. Mitt Romney chose “Javelin,” a muscle car, and for once in his sad, benighted, monocled-toff life looked like just a guy, and beer, and et cetera. [GQ]
SMEGMATA 7:45 pm March 19, 2012
Rick Santorum’s Secret Service Code Name in No Way Shows Messianic Self-Regard
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{ 182 comments }
Petrus… as in ROCK HARD, am I right?
Oh, look, I just vomited on myself.
Oh! I went there and got a Rock Hard Cafe T-shirt!!
That's his porno and/or WWE name too.
Nothing is too hard for God.
Candidates don't get to choose their names, so maybe the SS meant "blockhead".
"Anal Goo" must have been taken.
That one got snatched up by Queen Elizabeth for whenever she's in town. She's a dirty old bird.
Tipper Gore had some…problems with her digestion.
Wait….they get to pick their own code-names?
They should be randomly assigned "Reservoir Dogs" style, or else they'll ALL want to be "Mr. Black."
He's on another job.
Rick wanted to be Mr Not-Pink, because he's Not Gay.
That just doesn't seem fair… The Secret Service keeps them alive all the time and they don't even get to pick the nicknames!
I know, right? That's weird.
"My Secret Service code name shall henceforth be… Shaft!"
Shut yo mouth!
Mr Brown-n-frothy.
And next thing you know, they'll be referring to themselves in the third person:
"Mr. Black will have the grilled cheese sandwich."
I would have guessed his secret service name to be "flaccid buzz kill weasel"
Or just "Frothy Mix".
Treading dangerous ground, there, SorosBot.
Nah, too lengthy for the radio. I would've guessed "shart".
Just "flaccid" would be fine, although I could go along with adding "weasel." Were those given to him by the ghost of John Belushi?
Why the hell not?
Crucial to pounding the campaign …
Are they sure it wasn't really Putrid?
Or Putz.
Could be worse: it could have been Biggus Dickus.
So when does Rick deny his Jesus three times?
Does saying he's not ghey count?
1. Need to mow the back lawn too.
2. Need to speak English.
3. Need to get a green card.
I am sure it is really "Smugly"
No I heard it's "Zackley".
Because it rhymes with ugly.
I think that goes with old joke he has zackley disease, his face looks zackley like his ass.
Dayum, that's one ugly ass, then.
Judging by the last few pictures I've seen of him, he's also got Dunlop's Syndrome.
Can Petrus stand for the rock to which Prometheus was bound, as an eagle ate his liver for eternity?
Cuz that's how I really feel about RSant.
I like it, except that Rick doesn't feel enough pain in this scenario.
Could they eat a little lower down?
This fuck is not bringing fire to the humans, though. He's blowing out the candles.
I'm much more interested in the "code" names the Secret Service agents use about their clients when they are off the clock.
"Pope Unctious," I'll bet.
Client #9?
He may want to be "Petrus," but you know they call him "Frothy" behind his back.
Or Dick Weasel.
Well, behind the back is the only way to call someone frothy.
Clearly this just meants that Rick wants to get his Petrus out in public.
Petrus, as in Rock, as in "dumb as rock"
I said Barry instructed the SS to play some practical joke on Frothy
You know who else instructed the SS to play practical jokes…
Wow–Chateau Petrus is on sale–under $3,000.00 per bottle.
http://www.wineaccess.com/wine/product/11263026/2…
" this denseley packed Petrus manages to remain light on its feet…"
"It has a fruity nose, and goes well with the lighter meats, such as Spam, bologna, and hot dogs."
I had that once–before it went into the stratosphere. Better than the Franzia box wine I'm currently imbibing. But–the thing about the box–is there's lot's more of it.
Petrus, Petrus pumpkin eater,
Had a wife but couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well.
Eating the PUMPKINS?- no wonder he couldn't keep her.
Maybe he had a PetRuster as a child.
Maybe he has PetRush before?
I would have gone with Smegma. The other santorum.
Only if you let it fester.
Sorry didn't see this before my post below.
Rebecca probably thinks I stole it from her.I found it in another post of hers about a mile down the column.Great minds …
"Savage" was already taken?
Only until Petrus can get his gay marriage outlawed.
From now on, my Secret Service Code Name will be Pinto!
Flounder!
Mine shall be Gremlin!
Just call me "Otter."
Ladies, have I shown you my etchings?
I bet they are really saying Peckers every time.
Judas weeps.
Are we sure that Petrus doesn't refer to the contents of his head?
I wonder if any of the secret service guys would take a bullet for this sack of anal sludge.
Actually, it's probably Creamcup.
For those of you keeping track at home, just remember that St. Peter got crucified upside down. So we have that to look forward to.
So did Mussolini. Just sayin'.
I thought Mussolini got hanged upside down, beat like a pinata and dragged through streets like a beloved Rmoney-family dog… major santorum-smearing!
timely reminder of demands of christianity.
also, not going to think about antipas of pergamum who was roasted in a large bull somewhere around 92.
In his case, I hope he's also faces the board. I couldn't bear the thought of so much front butt defying gravity like that.
How did Peter do at the Brokered Convention?
I can get behind that:
Petrus rupestris
Rick Santorum is a Red steenbras, a huge threatened Porgy with a poisonous liver.
Yeah, that works for me.
Isn't Peter just another name for a dick?
Ron Paul: Smeagol
Newt Gingrich: Newt Gingrich
Can't argue with Newt, but Ron Paul has got to be Onions.
Romney=Seamus
Romney: Thurston Howell
Isn't Rmoney Smeagol? I mean he's the one who really really wants the ring of power, after all… according to Ron Paul at least.
"Javelin," you know, like when you throw one for a long shot?
You're thinking of a Hail Mary. you throw a javelin as a weapon, and we all know Romney is an impotent fool with no weapons. What I'm saying is, fucker has no bite with his bark. Hell, he can't even pull off bark convincingly.
Thought it might be "Gavilan" – the short-lived shirtless Robert Urich vehicle – but Lindsay Graham probably already called dibs.
???
Did you just call Rmoney a… "spear chucker"?
Then there's this:
Online shopping for Petrus, Used Gay & Lesbian Books from a great selection of Books; & more at everyday low prices. http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&keywords=Petr…
Ricky, you just can't stay in that closet, can you?
USED gay and lesbian books? How were they used?
Let's say they were "Flagged by Brentano's".
Today's Santorum overdose, delivered through the Wonkette syringe, has filled me with lustful cravings for Wonder Bread, Miracle Whip, Cream of mushroom soup, saltines, 100% homogenized whole milk and starched BVD underwear.
Don't forget fried Spam. With Cheez Whiz in the can.
I actually think that's Mitt Rmoney's daily diet.
Don't forget the Velveeta!
My secret service code name would be "tumescent." Or "embiggen." Whichever you prefer.
I'm partial to "cromulescent," myself.
Petrus Mustella, otherwise known as the Dick Weasel.
Truly, any santo rum es uno de mis santos, along with the sandwich, the sangria and the sandia, but Santorum? No, not a single chance in heaven.
That's the same guy that invented the Petri dish, isn't it?
I thought that was Rob Petri from the Dick van Dyke Show?
The intended connotation was "purty", as in, "he got a real purty mouth, ain't he".
No, no, no…the Petrus is the male uterus Ricky always wanted…
I thought that was the "m-anus" that Santorum is terrified to already have!
Smegma would be more accurate
Anagrams of "Petrus" include "Erupts" and "Purest" and since Santorum is, clearly, an erupting fountain of purest shit, it makes a lot of sense.
<a href="http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=RICK+SANTORUM&t=1000&a=n">Anagrams of his name are pretty fun too.
My favorite is "To Mr Anus", which is where my mind goes every time I hear Rick's name, unfortunately.
OH NOEZ!!! MY URLZ IZ BORKED!!!
http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=…
http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=…
I came up with spurte.
He definitely is a Peter….
Must be that santorum (lower case s) was already taken.
Petrus? One of the highest-priced Bordeauxes? What a snob!
Yeah, I think he means Chateau Petrus, cuz he be ballin', yo.
They don't allow "Elvis", do they.
Hey Mitt, you do know that AMC's were POS cars, right? Who could forget the Matador, Gremlin or Pacer? Jeeps are the only thing that survived that episode of American exceptionalism.
At least it's not "surveyor's mark."
Well, it's the only double-entendre in the Bible, so that's quite appropriate for ol Frothy.
Just about the only funny gag in Closing Time, Joseph Heller's what-the fuck-was-he-thinking sequel to Catch-22, was the Secret Service codename for the President (never named as Dan Quayle, but no doubt who it was). The Secret Service just called him "The Little Prick."
Santorum could use some literary cachet like that, maybe.
Ugh, Closing Time. Quite possibly the most disappointing book I've ever read; the Chaplain farting tritium, seriously?
Anyway, wasn't he just "The Prick"? I seem to recall that he'd invite people to call him that because "everyone else does".
ANYWAY, I'd like to suggest "The Dribble" as Santorum's code name.
OHHHHH, no you don't. You ain't gonna make me go take that off the shelf and open it, noooooo way.
You KNOW you're going to do it! Don't fight it. Then you'll skim-read a few paragraphs and remember how awful it is. MUAHAHAHAHA
Haha! Google confirms that it's "the little prick," and I remain safe in my memory of Heller's good writing.
Interesting.
I had a former co-worker who habitually, and exclusively, referred to W as "The Little Prick".
Strangely enough, I immediately knew who he meant, and I suspect everybody else who heard it did, too.
Maybe he's just showing how much he likes pro-wrestling, trying to appeal to Middle-America again.
you know who else had a high opinion of himself…
Hunter S Thompson?
That roomful of Napoleons down the hall?
Yuri Gagarin?
ummmmmm, could it be…. …SATAN??
John Kerry? Bill Clinton? Al Gore? Christopher Hitchens? I am trying to be fair and balanced.
Arthur Clarke?
Sir Edmund Hillary?
Muhammad Ali 'cause Cassius Clay was way more humble?
Donald Trump?
Me. But I take my meds regularly.
I guess "asshole" is too strong a nickname?
They officially retired "asshole" after it was the code name for Nixon, Reagan, and both Bushes.
Javelin? Isn't that Latin for Maverick?
The biblical story has Jesus giving Peter the "keys to the kingdom of heaven…" I wouldn't trust santorum with the keys to my Ford Pinto.
Au contraire; please *do* trust him with the keys to your Pinto, or to any other car that's prone to exploding.
Petrus.
Note the address — Even the Vatican is outsourcing to India!
OT, but Christardz haz a sadz tonight.
Manning & Tebow to The ThunderDome – two douuchebags enter, one douchbag leaves… maybe…
So where's Tebow's God now ?
Nothing says "We think we've got a future hall of famer under contract" like entering and winning a bidding war to a sign a 35 year old QB who hasn't played an official down since the second of two major spinal surgeries over a year ago.
Aw, god's own sucky quarterback pushed aside for a rumored gay one – how sad for the fundie nuts, including all the sports "journalists" who gushed over him despite his inability to throw.
I don't know why. They are both pretty vocal Christardz, if even one is a bit more blatant about it.
That's good beer. Tastes like Communion wine.
Jesus Hussein Christ, this Republican is full of himself.
OT: but I have a complaint here. Editrix, you know how devoted we all are to Megs "Tits" McCain and yet you have utterly ignored her history-making Playboy interview. Thanks, LBD
It's better than their first choice:
Squirt.
That's HERSHEY Squirt.
His SS name is "oh fuck."
that's what the agents says when they draw his name.
Biggus Dickus.
Oh, c'mon, in his case it would be MICRODickus.
Welease Wick!
No! Welease Womney!
"I'm Womney, and so is my wife!"
Heh… I read it as "Weasel Womney", which of course works too.
Other SS codes names:
Newt Gingrich – Sailor Moon (it's his favorite show)
Callista – Tiffany (duh)
Ron Paul – Ron Paul (Secret Service said, "why bother?")
Ron Paul – Gold brick
Mittster – Mayonnaise
I guess mine would be Huevos Rancheros.
Not "Huevos Grande"?
madam editrix, hats off to you (and deep curtsey).
you've entirely captured everything this tool is – and in one short graf.
also, i will still be voting for him tomorrow.
Um, I think you heard wrong. It's not Petrus, it's Pester.
Those covered by the Secret Service don't choose there own codename, do they? It's my understanding that it's someone choose it for them.
I wondered about that too but after some searching I couldn't find a clear answer. Wikipedia says they are assigned by the White House Communications Agency but this Washington Post article cites a secret service spokesman who says that they are assigned by military officials. Either way it looks like the names are assigned to them by someone else.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_Service_coden… http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/arti…
How unfortunate for this "Rick" guy to have the same name as a type of anal seepage.
I'd've picked Moby.
I think I ate MESSIANIC BALLS at a Phish show in Birmingham Alabama back in Fall '98 but thankfully they were not located below Santourum's uncut Petrus.
The information was a bit garbled in the transmission. The name is actually Pet R' Us. Because of all the man on dog action they keep hearing from the partitioned off back seat.
As in…he sure is smart as a box of rocks???
Priapus? I mean, look at how many kids he's spawned.
Ah yes, Petrus, as in solid-as a rock, as in solid, as in dropping a solid, hmmmm. Always comes back to the old anus with Little Ricky, don't it?
I call BS on GC. Sure it makes good copy but, seriously, would the Secret Service allow a code name which could be so easily misspelled, mispronounced and confused with like say, Petraeus? What are we going to do to verify GC? Call up the Secret Service and ask them?
Obama's was "That One."
Petrus pricked a pickled peck of packing posers.
I just assumed it was "pigfucker".
Well, javelins are white and pointy and people are only aware they exist every four years.
Yep. Sounds like Mitt.
Well I just got a new safe word…
Now how's he going to go around calling other people snobs when he named himself after a $20,000 bottle of wine?
Twenty Questions??? I say TITS or GTFO!!!!!
Boobs alone could have their own centerfold.
DAMN YOU GOOGLE-MACHINE!
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