it'll be a landslide

Mitt Romney: If We Can’t Win Latinos, How Did We Win Puerto Rico, HENGHHH?

Guess they do have Republicans everywhereMitt Romney, bless his heart, has reached the “delusion” portion of the campaign trail.

“Those people who don’t think that Latinos will vote for Republicans need to take a look at Puerto Rico and see there that conservative principles and Latino voters go together,” he said, listing interests Latinos shared with other voters, like jobs. “I intend to become our nominee, and I intend to get Latino voters to vote for a Republican and take back the White House.”

Pssst. Romney! Hey, Romney! You won most of Puerto Rico’s 20 100 thousand GOP primary votes (in a place with a population of four million) because Rick Santorum insulted them to their faces. But that’s cool, dude. You just keep on keepin’ on, with your common-man relatability and your boss-man face and your membership in the Republican Party. Latinos love those things about you, but don’t rest on your laurels! Maybe a little love poem to churros being just the right fried?

Romney then unleashed his famous sense of humor.

One questioner, assuming Romney would win the nomination, encouraged him not to write off Illinois in the fall, suggesting he could win it.

“That’s encouraging. That’s encouraging. I haven’t decided whether we can get all 50 states or just close to them,” he said.

A 50-state strategy! You can DO IT! You should probably spend a lot of your time and resources in Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York, Chicago, and Boston. And definitely work it for the Latino vote — and why not African-Americans, while we’re at it? They are not slaves! Barack Obama does not own them! And women! Well, actually, sorry about the women. Probably not even Ann is going to vote for you, lo siento. [Los Angeles Times]

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  1. SoBeach

    There probably are a lot of Latinos who would vote republican if the party weren't filled with so many, well, republicans.

      1. deelzebub

        Nut allergies can strike any race, my fellow demon. The only kind of nut I can put in my mouth are testicles.

  2. metamarcisf

    Santorum loses big in a State where 80% of the voters are Catholic. But the good news is, that there is a story today that has Santorum being named Atty General in a Romney administration.

  3. memzilla

    It's not that Mitt Rmoney hates teh blahs and the browns… it's just that the Rethuglicans are melaninly challenged.

  4. Baconzgood

    This primary is shite if we are putting so much stock in an unincorporated territory. No offense to puerto ricans (because you guys can do the Humpty Hump Dance), but I never remember people giving a shit how you voted in the primary.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      No one is putting stock in the actual delegates – they're just trying to see how Mittens will play out in regions that DON'T include angry fat old white people, who are (by and large – heh) the only ones voting in these primaries. Sure, the Paultards come out in droves, too, but generally, Republican primaries are whiter than the underside of my foot.

      Puerto Rico, then, is a captive non-white audience, and Mittens wants to believe that doing well in the Republican primary there (in which only Republicans vote), is akin to winning the entire world from Barack Obama, because there ARE brown people who voted for him, see? SEE?

      1. SorosBot

        The Paultards, voting for the white supremacist crazy old man, are just as fat white; the only difference it that some of them are young bigoted lunatic dickheads.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          It's funny – all the Paultards that I know LOOK to be normalish. The guy I work with actually goes to the gym every day, and is friendly and good with people. I honestly don't understand how he became a Paultard, because I always assumed that you had to be a virgin in order to attend one of his rallies.

          1. DaRooster

            Shit, anyone can get a following given how much Americans pay attention, watch-

            "I WILL LEGALIZE POT!"

          2. anniegetyerfun

            I hadn't considered that, but now I will be gazing at him with a sympathetic look for several days. Poor baby. Poor, poor little Paultard.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Yeah, just like the fact that anti-Castro Cubans vote GOP proves they can win latino voters generally. Self-delusion is better than crack, especially when coupled to a massive, carefully maintained ego.

        1. Biff

          I don't have anything against Castro personally, though he does seem to be kind of a dick, but I can't help believe that once he's dead, and his brother is likewise dead, then maybe, just maybe, the GoP will begin to lose their grip on South Florida.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    Wait until the righties discover that there are 4M browns who can *gasp* …vote! Don't worry: as soon as President Santorum is inaugurated, his SofS Palin will be bombing the hell out of Puerto Rico.

  6. Maman

    Don't worry too much about the porn thing… It would never make it past the Supremes. Do you see Clarence Thomas voting against porn?

    1. metamarcisf

      It is a 100% certainty that Thomas would vote against porn. I''ll bet you 10,000 cans of Coke.

  7. SorosBot

    Here I had assumed the Puerto Ricans turned against Rick because they saw that photo of him topless, with his landing strip chest hair.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    With a population of 3.7 million, I imagine there's 100,000 White Europeans who love them some 1% there in Puerto Rico.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Nah, he'll pander.

      -I love Chicago dogs. They are like cheesy grits, only made with pork and pickles and also celery salt, which I also like.

      -The wind is just the right speed here!

      1. BerkeleyBear

        No f'ing way he eats a genuine chi-dog – way too messy. Probably makes a token appearance at one of the knock off Billy Goat Taverns, orders (but doesn't eat) a "cheezeborger", goes to a fundraiser at a high end restaurant in DeKalb county or up in Gold Coast/Northbrook area, then spends the rest of his time downstate.

        Could see him try to eat a horseshoe in Springfield (the county could very well go for Romney or even Santorum in a general election – downstate Illinois is generally red). But only if they made it without the cheese sauce, and even then he'd need a 4 hour nap to sleep it off.

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        Maybe he'll hang at Ditka's sports bar with Bill Swerski's Superfans. He can talk about da Bears market and da Bulls market.

  9. Oblios_Cap

    Pssst. Romney! Hey, Romney! You won most of Puerto Rico’s 20 100 thousand GOP primary votes (in a place with a population of four million)

    This is the story that isn't really being reported about this GOP goat rodeo. The number of voters participating are staggeringly pathetic.

  10. SexySmurf

    Those people who don’t think that Latinos will vote for Republicans need to take a look at Puerto Rico and see there that conservative principles and Latino voters go together

    Isn't that like saying that because Mittens won the Virgin Islands, he can win the virgin vote in November? Actually, that might be true.

    1. SorosBot

      And here I had figured that Ron Paul was winning the virgin vote, with his fanatic following of basement-dwelling, hygiene-impaired Randroids.

  11. weej_bain

    Senor Mittens you don't claim you hit a jonrón just because that douche bolsa Frothy made with the ponche with the backwards K 'cause his bat was restin' on his shoulder. If you're really a smart feller, you'll go for the doble play in the fall and smear santorum all over your fuzzys.

  12. Serolf_Divad

    So the proof that the GOP hasn't completely alienated Latino voters is that a few warm bodies showed up to vote in the PR Republican primary?

    LOL, I guess that's "technically" true… your boys haven't managed to completely turn off every Latino ever born. But it's a low fucking bar you've set for yourself.

    1. Terry

      It bugs me how they lump a whole bunch of distinct cultures and groups under the banner of Latino. Why on Earth should people whose families have been ranching in New Mexico for generations have many views or experiences in common with new arrivals from Peru? Why should either of those groups be lumped with Cuban Americans in Miami or Puero Rican people in either NYC or San Juan? It just doesn't make sense. Ok, so many of their families may have a branch that at some point came to the New World from Spain or Portugal, but there are a lot of aspects of culture and personal experience that are highly likely to have more impact on a person's politics.

      Actually, I feel the same about the "Black vote" or the "Catholic vote".

  13. Mumbletypeg

    To be fair, Mittens, I've been prone to erroneous conclusions too —

    "see here that conservative principles and Latino voters go together,” he said, listing interests Latinos shared with other voters, like jobs.
    Romney…won most of Puerto Rico’s 100 thousand GOP primary votes (in a place with a population of four million)

    Me: "Oh hey look I got a thumbs-up on my comment, now I have two, I doubled my snark-appeal in one breath. Ergo, I own teh wonkettes, as clearly my principles are lined up with their 20 plenty-thousand readers."

    It happens to the best of us, Champ. Ahora ve a buscar a su brillo en Indiana!

    1. Baconzgood

      Look I just made you 25% more electable on Wonkete and 100% to Irish, ex-Catholic, heavy drinkers with auburn hair that like bacon cheese burgers with no onions and has a soft spot for The Melvins.

    2. freakishlywrong

      "see here that conservative principles and Latino voters go together,” he said, listing interests Latinos shared with other voters, like jobs. "
      The fuck does that even MEAN? What, libruls don't like "jobs"?

      1. Mumbletypeg

        It's as bizarre as his comment about trees that are "the right height." It's akin to the "Ooops" moment for Perry — I wanted to laugh but these are lamentable assessment skills being demonstrated, unless Mitts just spoke before he thought — and I dont' want that type of hiccup-prone phlegmbot deducing on my country's behalf with foreign dignitaries who mastered proportionate analysis probably by age ten.
        What, conservatives & Latino "go together"? — this would more properly fit in an assertion of opinion, like "Peanut Butter and Jelly 'go together' " or, "This shirt + that tie 'go together'." Assessing the quantitative result of a portion of the population's input, with burden of 'opinion expressing' on the people, leaves it to you, my mannequin friend, to interpret the expressed opinion in proportion to its corresponding factors like overall population, striations of idealogical/ political allegiance, and other distributions.
        How Mitts ended up a capital vulturist specializing in business regenerating-consulant-chic while I'm a lowly proofreading wheelcog is beyond me.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      He didn't stay in the sun that long… and if he did, it probably left him pink rather than brown.

  14. DaRooster

    "Probably not even Ann is going to vote for you, lo siento. "

    I don't think even Ayn would vote for him.

  15. Oblios_Cap

    I used to go to a local pub where one of the other partons was a contractor who used to brag about ripping off his clients (and then trying to solicit business in the next breath). He talked badly about his wife and general acted the jerk the few times we ever saw her with him in public. We had a nickname for him that fits Santorum to a "t".

    Rick the Dick.

  16. nirrti_rachelle

    Next thing you know, he'll campaign in black face in an attempt to win over African American voters….because "See? I'm just like you now!"

    1. Terry

      He can explain to them what Joseph Smith meant with regard to Native Americans and Black people.

    2. IceCreamEmpress

      Please make this happen. I would pay cash money to the person who convinced Mittens that this was a good idea.

      With a bonus if they could make him say "How you like me now?"

    3. reliefsinn

      Mitt doesn't know any black people personally, but some of his friends own them.
      Too soon?

  17. Ducksworthy

    And so the march of worldwide Mormon conquest envisioned by Joseph Smith (via polygamy) continues. (See also Plan 10 From Outer Space.)

  18. anniegetyerfun

    Barack Obama owns me, though. That's right. I'm a white woman, owned by Barack Obama. Drudge should be on this shortly.

  19. hagajim

    Romney win Illinois…yeah, he has about as good a chance of that as winning Massachussets, or Michigan for that matter.

  20. metamarcisf

    Headline of the day (Breitbart):

    "Facing Stiff Santorum Challenge, Romney Adds Campaign Stops in Illinois"

  21. oldedinvn

    Just one more reason why PR should not be the 51st state. If there are a thousand people there that would vote R, they should be disqualified for ignorance & learn to talk umerican.

  22. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Yes, Mitt, you really appeal to the common folk.
    I can see it now:
    Mittens marching into Sylvia's Harlem restaurant and enjoying him some collard greens for the cameras, totally oblivious to the cosmic panderosity of the scene. If you could harvest the energy in rolling eyeballs, you could power Manhattan for a week.

    1. Terry

      Mittens need to talk about rap music, too. Tell people he doesn't really follow rap but knows people who own several record companies.

  23. Tundra Grifter

    The voters in Puerto Rico weren't turned off by Mitt's 15% Federal income tax rate because they all pay 0%.

  24. Terry

    Hopey should drop into San Juan and hold an impromptu rally or two just as a demonstration for Mitt.

  25. Chichikovovich

    There is a (pro forma, of course) Democratic primary in Utah, right? Obama won, right? So by Romneythink I'm looking for Obama to take the Mormon vote.

  26. OneYieldRegular

    (With apologies to Margaret Atwood):

    Conservative principles fit Latino values like a hook into an eye.

    A fish hook. An open eye.

  27. IceCreamEmpress

    Well, really, who is voting in the PR primary for the Know-Nothing Party except the plantation owners and the Mormons from the military bases? R-MONEY'S CORE FOLLOWING.

  28. Toomush_Infer

    Isn't this over yet?….should I go back into hibernation?…. Since Santorum outlawed banging, I'm waiting for the whimper…

  29. Dr. Nick Riviera

    I've read that Romney won Puerto Rico by making his entire campaign there about statehood. Sadly Illinois is already a state. Poor Mitt.

  30. horsedreamer_1

    That communist sports team Chicago Fire has radio broadcasts of its games in English, Messican, & Pollack. That I about as non-Murkan as one can get.

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