THE NUMBERS DO LIE  10:45 am March 19, 2012

Bristol Palin Wants Apology Phone Call From President Obama, NOW

by Kaia Mursi

All the Motown classics you know and love, sung by the President, to whiny children.Bristol Palin said a very important thing on the Internet, that you should know about.

Basically, she heard this Obama guy is handing out apologies to ladies of ill-repute who get blasted by media fart hoses like Rush Limbaugh.

You don’t know my telephone number, but I hope your staff is busy trying to find it. Ever since you called Sandra Fluke after Rush Limbaugh called her a slut, I figured I might be next. You explained to reporters you called her because you were thinking of your two daughters, Malia and Sasha. After all, you didn’t want them to think it was okay for men to treat them that way:

“One of the things I want them to do as they get older is engage in issues they care about, even ones I may not agree with them on,” you said. “I want them to be able to speak their mind in a civil and thoughtful way. And I don’t want them attacked or called horrible names because they’re being good citizens.”

And I totally agree your kids should be able to speak their minds and engage the culture. I look forward to seeing what good things Malia and Sasha end up doing with their lives.

But here’s why I’m a little surprised my phone hasn’t rung. Your $1,000,000 donor Bill Maher has said reprehensible things about my family. He’s made fun of my brother because of his Down’s Syndrome. He’s said I was “f—-d so hard a baby fell out.”

Her ghostwriter must be using the same calculator John McCain used in 2008 to win over disaffected women voters:

(Hillary Clinton) – (Democratic policies) – (Cankles) + (Winkiness) + (Starbursts) = Sarah Palin

We imagine the calculation this time went something like:

(Sandra Fluke) – (Congressional testimony) – (Education) + (Baby) = Bristol Palin

After which the wretched stone abacus dove headlong into a lake of fire, content that its mission to destroy Earth was now complete.

In summary, Bristol will be using a “mommy blog” to shoe-horn her way back in to the national spotlight, via increasingly discohesive and deranged open letters. ["Bristol's Blog"]

 
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{ 100 comments }

Barb March 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Her phone won't be busy if he did try to call her, trust me.

Not_So_Much March 19, 2012 at 3:44 pm

AOL modem?

Tundra Grifter March 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

About as busy as the telephone at the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center?

nounverb911 March 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Bristol hurt my snark, everything I think of breaks the rules.

Barb March 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I'm hoping he calls me though.
If President Obama calls everyone who insults Bristol, she'd have to have her own cell phone tower.

nounverb911 March 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Sandra Fluke wasn't an under-aged mother of an illegitimate child like you were. Get over it Bristol.

CessnaDriver March 19, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Children.

fuflans March 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

he'll have hillz call you hon. she's the one who deals with failed states.

Manhattan123 March 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Did she write this before or after shoving a vodka-soaked tampon up her well-used twat?

CessnaDriver March 19, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Levi has a very small pee pee and she claims to be a reborn virgin.

Barb March 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

"You don’t know my telephone number, but I hope your staff is busy trying to find it."

$50.00 says that Bristol doesn't know her phone number either. There is no way the the POTUS is going to send the Secret Service to the Wasilla Waffle House to fetch her number from the men's room wall either. (I bet the name and number is in Bristol's handwriting)

JustPixelz March 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

$50.00?!? You must be in the 1%.

Barb March 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I'm only the 1% in my milk choices.

horsedreamer_1 March 19, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Lies! Wasilla is obviously north of the IHOP/Waffle House Line.

steph22936 March 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Of course what she is failing to realize is that he apologized to Ms. Fluke because the insults came as a result of her testifying- or attempting to testify- before Congress. He was trying to make the point that no one should be intimidated or prevented from doing so.

I agree that the civility in our political conversation is terrible but he cannot apologize for everyone, whether a donor of his or not. If she goes to Congress and testifies and Maher or someone of the equivalent does that to her, then we can compare apples to apples.

Jukesgrrl March 20, 2012 at 1:29 am

Way too much good sense here.

SorosBot March 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Hey, how did this end up all buried among the old posts? Anyway Bristol, nothing anyone's said about you, a reality TV famewhore and not a private citizen, is not insulting to all women, just idiots who don't know how to use a condom and think it's a good idea to have a brat at sixteen.

chicken_thief March 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Back in '79 a blah basketball player called me a "motherfucking cocksucker" after I burned his no defense playing sorry ass for 39 points. Mr. President, I am still waiting for an apology.

Maman March 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Bristol doesn't get it…. We parents of daughters are looking for ROLE MODELS for our daughters. She ain't it (and I shall not discuss the hows and whys due to dignity)

Guppy March 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I don't blame Bristol for the complete lack of sex education her mother and her mother's government provided her.

I do blame her for trying to cynically make a buck off the situation, though.

Terry March 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"But here’s why I’m a little surprised my phone hasn’t rung. Your $1,000,000 donor Bill Maher has said reprehensible things about my family. He’s made fun of my brother because of his Down’s Syndrome. He’s said I was “f—-d so hard a baby fell out.”"

Oddly enough, she's not objecting to Bill Mahr calling her mother a c@#t.

beavertank March 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Even she won't go so far as to demand an apology for the truth.

rmjagg1 March 19, 2012 at 6:58 pm

she knows her mother

steph22936 March 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Of course what she is failing to realize is that he apologized to Ms. Fluke because the insults came as a result of her testifying- or attempting to testify- before Congress. He was trying to make the point that no one should be intimidated or prevented from doing so.

Barb March 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Chin up, Bristol! I mean it, that chin implant has to weigh a ton.

Native_of_SL_UT March 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Sorry Bristol, but nothing in Fluke's testimony seemed to indicate that she was a slut, whereas being a slut is actually your claim to fame.

JustPixelz March 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

"I mean what do you call a young woman who has sex then uses that notoriety to make money. In effect we're paying her for having sex. That makes us her johns. So here's the deal. We'll pay her for having sex, if she dances in a gorilla costume. And puts the video on the internet for us to watch."

BarackMyWorld March 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Obama is a hypocrite for not calling every woman who has ever been called bad names because he called one woman who was called bad names.

Logic!

valgal2342 March 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Bristol dear, you can count on Sasha and Malia doing good things with their lives, they have great parents to show them the way.

Jukesgrrl March 20, 2012 at 1:31 am

And obviously Bristol's jealous.

Nesnora March 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Hey Bristol, I think you're a slutty, whorish fame-leech who makes Paris Hilton look like Leonardo DaVinci. Oh and I'm a woman. Does that make me a misogynist? Or maybe it's just that you are all those things, in fact?

I'd also add that Levi is just as slutty, whorish and leechlike— it's just that you're slightly louder with the hypocritical outrage. Hence the name-calling being appropriate.

freakishlywrong March 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Next time Bill Maher is invited to spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom and is given a birthday cake by a POTUS, we'll have your little pity, false equivalency party, k Bri?

Mumbletypeg March 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Lord, Bristol. At least your mom could dress a moose. You couldn't truss a flawed analogy if it handed you a rifle and said, "Shoot me now."

JustPixelz March 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Obama called Sandra Fluke because she was baselessly called a slut by Rush Limbaugh. This was after she spoke on behalf of others. Bristol is certainly entitled to an apology from anyone who baselessly called her a disparaging name … after she speaks on behalf of others.

ChessieNefercat March 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

A Palin speaking on behalf of others? Never happen. The Palin would have to stop thinking about herself first.

donner_froh March 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Discohesive defines an undifferentiated cancerous growth. Sums up Ms. Palin pretty well.

ChessieNefercat March 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

It wouldn't matter if the two issues were comparable (hint, Bristol, you twit, they're not).

What is wrong with this family? Why does everything have to be about them? No matter what, their response is always the same: "Look at meeeeee, look at meeeee, I'm over here, look at meeee, I'm the real victim!

For everything! Never a word of concern for the actual victim(s), no matter the scenario; nothing but resentment for whoever dared, dared steal the limelight from the Wasilla Megalomaniac Society.

I know Bristol didn't write that claptrap. I'm sure the ghostwriter did so at the behest of Bristol's idiot attention-whore mother, but Brissie is willing to have her name put to it.

These narcissistic loons make people from Attila the Hun to Mussolini look like shy, retiring, humble, cloistered monks.

doloras March 19, 2012 at 6:55 pm

I recently read a book suggesting that the definition of "celebrity" is "attention trap". You get more attention with whining than achievement, and you get more $$$ with celebrity.

fuflans March 19, 2012 at 10:39 pm

yes.

Jukesgrrl March 20, 2012 at 1:34 am

Celebrity Derangement Syndrome.

neiltheblaze March 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

But Bristol – nobody gives a fuck how you feel.

Arken March 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I'll apologize for him:

Bristol, I'm sorry you're such an attention whore.

owhatever March 19, 2012 at 1:48 pm

University student giving testimony before Congress about birth control..not a slut.

Crawling into the sleeping bag to play sexytime with an unemployed white trash high school dropout and getting pregnant because you don't use birth control … slut.

Brisket, the Prez is not going to be calling you today.

anniegetyerfun March 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Woah, now, people. Getting knocked up as a teenager does not make one a slut. Sure, she's a fucking idiot (not necessarily for getting knocked up, but for never shutting her trap thereafter), that much is clear now.

owhatever March 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

When you're right, you're right. I stand corrected.

An_Outhouse March 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

unemployed white trash high school dropout = meth dealer's son.

meatlofer March 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

If he does call you,it will just be a" Booty" call.

swordfis March 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Minority opinion: I think Bill Maher is a cringeworthy asshole.

glamourdammerung March 19, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I just do not find his stuff that I have seen funny. Having said that though, he is not speaking at Democratic functions unlike Drug Pig.

PhilippePetain March 19, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I think you'd find that a majority of the left and certainly Democrats think the same thing, which is why this false equivalency holds no water.

fuflans March 19, 2012 at 10:43 pm

not minority. he's a self righteous tool. many on the wonkettes agree.

but that's not the point here and there is no way bristol et alia would EVER understand that.

MinAgain March 19, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Bristol, I'm still waiting for an apology from your whole damn family for foisting your mother off on us as an actual vice-presidential candidate. In fact, I am not only entitled to an apology, I believe reparations might be in order.

MaxUdargo March 19, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Dear Bristol,

I know it is difficult for you to understand a lot of what happens in the world now, your brain having been warped by FOX News and its relentless promotion of the "fair and balanced" principle, which is the basis for the Law of Equivalency, upon which so much of right-wing philosophy depends. I know the rewiring of your brain requires that President Obama treat his enemies exactly as he treats his friends or he is "wrong."

But the world is still dominated (so far!) by non-rewired human brains, and so it is still generally understood that Democratic President Obama might turn on his TV and see a nice young lady like Sandra Fluke giving testimony before Congress on a subject he cares about, advocating a position that he supports, and he might think, "Gee, I'm impressed with that young woman and I support her and her efforts!" Later, when he sees that nice woman come under attack from Rush Limbaugh, he might naturally choose to make a gesture of support.

On the other hand, when Democratic President Obama turns on his TV and sees your mother he might think, "Gee, there's that horrible woman who ran against me and Joe back in 2008 and made fun of me for being a community organizer and generally attacked all the things I support and supported all the things I oppose. I really don't like her much." And then, when he sees her being attacked by Bill Maher he might think to himself, "I wonder what kind of sandwich I should order for lunch."

I know FOX News tells you that is not right, but all of human history before FOX introduced the Law of Equivalency argues otherwise. It may take a few thousand years for the change to take effect.

Max

ChessieNefercat March 19, 2012 at 2:46 pm

"And then, when he sees her being attacked by Bill Maher he might think to himself, "I wonder what kind of sandwich I should order for lunch.""

Perfect. And there we have it. The Palin frustration born of the fact that President Obama just doesn't think about them.

fuflans March 19, 2012 at 10:44 pm

this is pulitzer material right here.

Jukesgrrl March 20, 2012 at 1:38 am

Feel free to expand that into a book. You will have many readers.

SkinnyNerd March 19, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Is anybody else getting the feeling we will have another McCain/Palin ticket in 20 years? Only this time it will be Meghan/Bristol.

An_Outhouse March 19, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Dear Bristol,
Sandra Fluke is a responsible law student. You are a slut who fucks the local meth dealer's son in a tent after imbibing wine coolers.

You're Welcome.

Redhead March 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Bristol, honey, no one has made fun of your brother for HAVING Downs. They've made fun of your mother for using him, you and the rest of you snowbillies as props.

Not that anyone expects you to understand the difference. We'll assume your persecution complex is inherited.

LakeLucilleLoon March 19, 2012 at 3:01 pm

This is just part of their MK Ultra sex kitten programming, right?

slowhansolo March 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm

(Sandra Fluke) – (Congressional testimony) – (Education) + (Baby) = Bristol Palin

The new Anti-Life Equation. Someone alert Darkseid.

glamourdammerung March 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

This is good news for John McCain.

DaRooster March 19, 2012 at 3:36 pm

"…you said. “I want them to be able to speak their mind in a civil and thoughtful way."

The key words are thoughtful and civil… not just bangin' on a keyboard like a monkey.

thedeathofirony March 19, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Shorter Bristol Palin: "memememememememememememememememememememe"

glamourdammerung March 19, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Bristol, I am still waiting on an apology for the Jews about your mother's offensively stupid nonsense about valid criticism of her somehow being the same as "blood libel". I am sure your people can find my number.

Jukesgrrl March 20, 2012 at 1:43 am

Glam, as a resident of Gabby Gifford's Congressional district, I'm also waiting for an apology. Bristol's mother used the assassination attempt on my representative as a excuse to make the remark that you deserve an apology for. So Bristol, GET IN LINE.

ChessieNefercat March 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

(Sandra Fluke) – (Congressional testimony) – (Education) – (any common sense whatsoever) – (a clue) + (grifter gene) + (Baby) = Bristol Palin

user-of-owls March 19, 2012 at 4:15 pm

In summary, Bristol will be using a “mommy blog” to shoe-horn her way back in to the national spotlight

Thanks for the heads up Kaia, but we already knew about this new 'editor' person.

SolitaireRose March 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

More proof that the people who get the most money in SuperPACS, don't know how they work. Doesn't she understand that a SuperPAC is separated from the candidate by a thin line of legal; bullshit where they eave to pretend they know nothing about what it is doing in public? This is unlike the way no one in your family knows anything about birth control during high school.

I look forward to the next reality show you walk away from during filming.

stncmchnc March 19, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Hail, having conceived out of wedlock chilluns is a Palin familyyy traditionnn. My apologies to Bocephus.

Schmegeg March 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I hereby apologize to Bristol Palin. Now please shut the fuck up forever.

Veritas78 March 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

…and her mom IS a cunt. So what's the problem? Last I heard, the truth is always a defense.

tessiee March 19, 2012 at 6:01 pm

"Bill Maher has said reprehensible things about my family."

Please — oh, please — let Bristle call up Bill Maher and demand an apology.

SolitaireRose March 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm

And yet she says nothing about EVERY OTHER COMEDIAN ON THE PLANET who says "God…I need another 5 minutes of material, what have the Palin's been up to?"

Biff March 19, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Yo, Brisket–if the phone doesn't ring, it's me!

Beetagger March 19, 2012 at 6:34 pm

She's a chip off the old block. A regular re-Todd.

Gopherit March 19, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Let's remember why Obama called her, Bristol. He thought she did something useful as a citizen and a human, and he would be proud if his daughters turned out like her. This would not ever be true if they got knocked up by a snowbilly and became a Wasilla hairdresser. Hell, your parents probably aren't even proud of you……but it's Wasilla.

Texpunk March 19, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I miss Levi. :sigh:

GemlikeFlame March 19, 2012 at 6:54 pm

It's worse than that. It's making all this
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/levi-johnston/

come horribly true. If this is life imitating snark, I want off the planet _now_.

Antispandex March 19, 2012 at 7:02 pm

There is a difference here Bristol. You have SHOWN yourself to be what the right-wing preaches against. So, you see, calling you a slut is fact based. Big difference here.

rmjagg1 March 19, 2012 at 7:06 pm

wish he's do a vegas show

Soylent Green March 19, 2012 at 7:25 pm

The Republican version would be a pity grope from John Boehner.

AlaskaGrrl March 19, 2012 at 7:41 pm

You sort of missed that "good citizens" part there Bristol. You were a political prop. You weren't fighting for anything other than a paycheck and you lost all credibility when you decided to embark on a career of (pseudo)reality TV personality. In a nutshell Honey, there really isn't any similarity between you and Ms. Fluke besides the configuration of your gentiles, so do us all a favor and STFU.

horsedreamer_1 March 19, 2012 at 8:16 pm

While Sarah will be at the Tampa Tribune Forum brokering a nomination to the Presidency, Bristol will be at Mons Venus slobbering a knob to completion.

CessnaDriver March 19, 2012 at 8:29 pm

One wonders if Brisket has the familial hankering for the BBC?

C_R_Eature March 19, 2012 at 8:30 pm

All right Bristol, listen up. Your 15 Minutes of Fame were up an hour and a half ago.

Go home, learn your job, raise your kid and Shut Up. You have no valuable insights, there's nothing interesting or important you have to say and there's a lot of people out here with genuine problems.

Go. Home. Don't continue to irritate us. Else we will have to be Mean to you.

lovelalola March 19, 2012 at 9:53 pm

The comments on this thing are appalling really bear out the double standards and sexism on the left that lots of people, including independents, are talking about in the wake of Fluke/Limbaugh/contraception debate. Remember that when you go to post a sexist comment. Voters are watching and YOU are representative of your tribe. In this case, Democrats. Do you want to keep losing women to the GOP? Keep it up.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 20, 2012 at 4:37 am

This blog is a free-for-all and there are some, uh, off-colour comments. That's true.

However, your posit "Do you want to keep losing women to the GOP?" is laughable for many reasons. Do you honestly think that removal of birth control coverage in a company's health insurance policy, should some dipfuck have a 'moral' objection, is attractive to women?

I understand a religious objection, even though I disagree, but whatever random 'moral' framework argument is just incorrect and I think most women would agree.

ChessieNefercat March 20, 2012 at 8:07 am

I posted this elsewhere and I'll post it here, slightly edited. What double standard? There is no comparison between Limbaugh and Maher. There is no comparison between what Maher called Palin and what Limbaugh did to Fluke. And? It's insulting for the Palins and their ghostwriter to post that poorly-reasoned victim whine and expect any thinking human to believe that Bristol wrote it.

I posted this elsewhere:
That isn't the issue. The issue is whether you recognize the difference between Maher calling a public figure an offensive term during a stand up routine on a private, paid cable channel, and Limbaugh using the public, government-regulated airwaves to savagely attack a private citizen for exercising her right to address the Congress of the United States, and LYING REPEATEDLY, for nine hours, over three days about her testimony, her life, and her private activities.

There is no comparison between the two, and there is certainly no comparison between what Maher said about thin-skinned, whiny public figure Palin, and what Limbaugh said about, and did to, private citizen Fluke.

LadyWisdom March 19, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Hey, it worked! She got you to mention her name and link to her blog!

Jukesgrrl March 20, 2012 at 1:49 am

Ah, I see some of Bristol's fans have registered with this website.
Hi Lou Sarah! Hi Willow!

smokefilledroommate March 20, 2012 at 3:48 am

Only stupid people call it Down's Syndrome, Bristol.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 20, 2012 at 4:31 am

Then colour me stupid.

Named after Down, who first described it. Down's syndrome is a perfectly apt moniker, imho.

Smithboy March 20, 2012 at 7:31 am

Bristol darling, if you had used contraception you would not have gotten pregnant as a teenager. But then, you wouldn't have a career. ____Bill Maher was wrong to call you names, but he was right to call you and your mother on your self righteousness

ttommyunger March 20, 2012 at 9:03 am

Sounds like somebody's got a touch of Jungle Fever, eh, Bristle?

Tundra Grifter March 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

When is Duh Gov'Nuh going to call President Obama and apologize for repeatedly saying he likes to "Pal around with terrorists?"

elburritodeluxe March 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

(Palin Family) – (Publicity) = No more moneyzz

Thedongsofwar March 20, 2012 at 6:07 pm

"I'm sorry Dancing With the Stars did not work out. There are not enough dancing based reality tv show programs for single moms to obtain realistic career goals"

"I'm sorry you had to give away copies of your ghost written book through Craigslist at signings. As a two time NY Times Best Seller (and as a winner of a Grammy for the audio version), I could not possibly imagine what that feels like"

"I'm sorry your child's father is such a profound douchebag"

"I'm sorry you have to compromise your independent, up by the bootstraps philosophy and accept dirty, socialist funds and subsidies to benefit your special needs child (but I'm glad they are there to support you and him)"

"I'm sorry for the blood libel your mother suffered after last year's events in Arizona. Truly Sarah was the real victim"

"Most of all, I'm sorry Michele hid my Luckies again. Damnit, there is no way I can quit smoking and win a 2nd term at the same time! Where's Tom Hanks? I need him to narrate while I sign things with 14 different pens!"

labman57 March 21, 2012 at 9:57 am

Bristol, demonstrating that the apple indeed does not fall far from the tree, seeks the spotlight in order to play the role of the poor, maligned victim and martyr wannabe. Really Palin clan. It's not always about you.

dcjdjay July 24, 2012 at 10:49 am

Bristol, go back to school, get a degree in something useful that is not PR-whoreism, and raise your kids not to say words like "fag."

Redeem yourself, you dumb, obnoxious tramp.

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