Hez rationin yr Ho-HosYou guy, I’m worried about WND, Joseph Farah’s No. 1 News Source for Copy-and-Pasted Chuck Norris Columns. First came the screaming headline EXECUTIVE-ORDER PANIC: MARTIAL LAW IN THE U.S.? and three long paragraphs explaining President Barack O’Stalin’s nefarious plans to ration your wimmen, helpfully summed up here:

A Canada Free Press article titled “Obama Executive Order: Peacetime Martial Law!” spread concerns of gasoline ration cards; while an Examiner article declared the order would “nationalize everything” and “allow for a civilian draft.” Facebook, email and Twitter were suddenly abuzz, and even the extremely popular Drudge Report posted a link to the White House release under the title “Martial Law? Obama Issues Executive Order.”

So far so good, WND! But then WND followed, in the fourth paragraph, with this:

But are the cries of martial law and expanding executive power justified?

No, says William A. Jacobson, associate clinical professor at Cornell Law School.

The fuck you say? WND goes on to explain the executive order is nearly identical to Clinton’s, and Bush’s, and Eisenhower’s.

Obama’s executive order specifically assigns “executive departments and agencies responsible for plans and programs related to national defense” to do five things:

* “identify” requirements for emergencies;
* “assess” the capability of the country’s industrial and technological base;
* “be prepared” to ensure the availability of critical resources in time of national threat;
* “improve the efficiency” of the industrial base to support national defense;
* “foster cooperation” between commercial and defense sectors.

So you could see why (?),, and, oh, DRUDGE, would be hiding under their mommies right about now, as your Wonkette has never seen a preparedness list so very nefarious.Slow weekend, Drudge?

Luckily, WND was back to normal in its very next article (or the very next one we saw): Collapse of the Internet Imminent? Hope so. Couldn’t happen to a nicer Internet.


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  • BaldarTFlagass

    OMG! The NEGRO is going to KILL US ALL!!!

    • Pragmatist2

      It's Nat Turner's Rebellion in reverse!!!!
      Hide the womenfolk!!!

      • BerkeleyBear

        More like shackle the womenfolk like in Black Snake Moan so they can't go running after him.

    • oldedinvn

      We knew it along.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Not "us all." Just all you whiteys out there. Sheesh, get a grip.

    • Toomush_Infer

      "Don't anyone move or the N******R GETS IT!!!!…."

  • AlterNewt

    "We will not be silen———–

    • Nostrildamus

      ♫♪♬ Chirp, Chirp ♫♪♬

  • prommie

    FEMA camps!

  • Wow, that's silly.

    • Careful with overreaching statements in these terrifying times!!11!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Are for little girls
      with imaginary friends.

      -Bumper sticker wisdom

  • Baconzgood

    I've learned as a rule that if a "?" is in the headline it's 98.7% Bull shit. If it's on the Drudge it's 100% Bull Shit too, also.

    • oldedinvn

      If it aint 120 %, it is close enough for half of Umerika.

    • mayor_quimby

      That's exactly right. I don't want my fucking news asking me questions, it's their fucking job to give me answers!

  • Pragmatist2

    Would that Martial Law be administered by Martial Dillon?
    I always liked that show.

    • HempDogbane

      Math yoooo? Whut are ya fixin to do 'bout this?
      Festus, you just hold on…

    • AddHomonym

      No, Peter Marshall, from Hollywood Squares.

    • chicken_thief

      I always thought it was the contractual requirement that Penny get a better dressing room than Cindy Williams on the set of Laverne and Shirley. No?!

      • DCBloom

        Schlemeil schlamazzel

    • And was Miss Kitty a slut or a prostitute?

      • Biff

        She owned the girls–you know, a job creator!

      • Toomush_Infer

        Yess….oh yess…

  • Steverino247

    Here's a good headline: "Obama issues directive: STFU!"

  • Arken

    Well of COURSE they're going to play down the martial law thing. If there's martial law, they'll never get to prove that Obama was born in Kenya!

    • chicken_thief

      It's even WORSE if it isn't really Martial Law and Obummer isn't going to take our wimmunz and moneyz – that can only mean ——– SHARIA LAW!!!!!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Where would we all be without the Sludge Retort? The ClusterFox talking heads just wouldn't know what to talk about.

    $10,000 sez both Sheer InSannity and Off-the-Mark Levin play the Scare Game game – without WingNutz' Daily's voice of reason.

    • AbandonHope

      "WND's voice of reason"

      "What is a phrase never before uttered by man, Alex?"

      • Tundra Grifter

        What's next? Sheer InSannity introducing "Convicted felon Col. Ollie North?"

  • memzilla

    The untold horror is that is actually Martial Sharia Law!1!lebenty!1!

  • It's the start of World War Z[zzzzzz]!

  • NeonTrotsky

    It would be nice of the new owner of Wonkette to publicize the NYPD beating the shit out of peaceful protesters.

    • Arken

      Either Wonkette publicizes the issues I want them to or I'm going to stop giving them my money every week!

    • oldedinvn

      Why would the Editrixster post day to day normal shit.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Is it bad that I kind of wish he would declare martial law, round up these dumb asses & send them to their own private island ala Lord of the Flies? Rush can definitely play the part of Piggy.

  • sezme

    What WND fails to realize is that Clinton, and Bush, and Eisenhower were all white.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What WND fails to realize report is that Clinton, and Bush, and Eisenhower were all white.


    • oldedinvn

      They were?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Are you sure?…'Cause I always thought Clinton was black…he played sax…?

  • Baconzgood

    It's only gonna get worse people. The Right wing is gearing up for the paranoia olympics between now and November.

    • freakishlywrong

      Peak wingnut will be televised.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I can hardly wait for the gold medal round.

  • chascates

    Obama issues new Executive Order: Business as usual.

    • anniegetyerfun


    • pj

      Yup — Obamagenda business as usual: millions lost jobs, homes, are collecting foodstamps, WOW! what a GREAT @#$%^ LIFE! YEAH! OBAMABOTS! Give losers more "ObamaBUCKS"! Give'em free health insurance. Give'em everything free free free! Bankrupt America! Can't wait! It'll be such a fun life living in the "Projects."

  • SorosBot

    So the Canada Free Press managed to break this news by pulling it out of their asses.

  • I bet someones going to get fired at WND for not stoking up irrational fears.

  • FraAnima

    Wait a minute…did WND actually go on to explain that the cries of "martial law" were alarmist, and that the current (black) POTUS is doing nothing different than previous (white) POTUSes? Impossible! What has happened to WND??!!

    Still, I'm going with the intent of the 1st paragraph, and stocking up on 30-30 and 9mm ammo.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Because of the martial law, the government made them insert the facts. Which only proves that they're right!

      Wingnutty thinking is fun, once you get the hang of it. ☺

    • Toomush_Infer

      That's because its readers can only read the big letters…

  • NeonTrotsky

    Our nation's police forces could probably take down most of the world's armies. Is that martial law?

    • Arken

      It's too bad there isn't a big book full of words and phrases like 'martial law' you could look in to find the definition…

      • NeonTrotsky

        I went to a big book and looked up "Army" and I looked up "Police". But then I heard that the "Police" in the US had these things called tanks, and so I went to the big book and looked up "Tank" and then I was confused…

        • Arken

          And that has nothing to do with martial law, but that's okay, maybe one day you'll understand that phrases can mean different things than the individual words contained inside them. For example, 'fire retardant' doesn't make fire stupid.

          • NeonTrotsky

            Look, I am obviously not claiming we are under the traditional definition of martial law. Just pointing out that our police are looking more and more like an extension of the military.

  • freakishlywrong

    First they came for the birthers…

    • not that Dewey

      Woo hoo!

    • pj

      Then they came for the Obamabots, because trust me, he doesn't give a rat about you either!

  • Limeylizzie

    Will I be put in a camp for foreigners and if I am will the Wonkette come and visit me? I'm afeared.

    • chascates

      In the plus side you speak the English good. On the minus you work in a field traditional aligned with communists and the gayz.

      Could go either way for you.

      • Limeylizzie

        I suspect some sluttishness in my past may not bode well .

    • Texan_Bulldog

      You're a foreigner of the white persuasion. You'll be fine. If Renee Zellwegger can pull off a British accent, you can fake an American one.

      • chascates


        • Texan_Bulldog

          Dangit! My Firefox is cranky this morning.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      If you're lucky, the jackbooted commandant will have you called to his office, where he will will greet you with a cruel sneer…

    • oldedinvn

      Nah, nah ,nahna. I am safe. I live in a commonist country what aint not goin to be bothered by them there heroes. They tried once.

    • C_R_Eature

      Don't worry kiddo, you're with us. Who do you think will be running these camps, Eh? We'll need you to help keep those knuckleheads in line.

      I'll let you borrow my Red Star Beret and 10,000 volt Cattle Prod, if you're nice.

    • On the plus side the camp guards may have snazzy uniforms, so there is some fantasy material for you.

  • bureaucrap

    With all due respect to Mr. Jacobson, whom I'm sure is a solid legal scholar and an all around stand-up fellow, "associate clinical professor at Cornell University Law School", sound suspiciously like "My friend Bill who graduated law school a few years ago and is teaching now, and who I was going to call anyways to see if he wanted to see a Knicks game." There are several full professors at Harvard, Yale, Georgetown or even GW, established and nationally recognized experts in constitutional law, that probably would have been equally happy to give the same answer.

    • Arken

      He teaches in a university. What a snob.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but those guys wouldn't have returned WND's calls. But you are right, a "clincal professor" is code for "teaches practical skills courses like legal writing and trial advocacy traditional faculty won't touch with a 10 foot pole, isn't expected to do published work on substantive issues and if he is on tenure track (unlikely), it is only because the ABA made us have more skills courses".

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Wingnut crazy dial: now set at 14.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Damn, They're on to us. It's like half the country just can't keep a secret anymore.

  • elgin_pelican

    I got my my Mark 'O The Beast UPC Tattoo on St Patty's Day!

  • TheGyrus

    WND has figured out that you put the words "Martial Law" and "Obama" next to each other, it gets small minds to associate the two in their brain. It doesn't matter that they are saying "Martial Law is not a thing that Obama wants," the point is that it works to embiggen the synapse that connects those two concepts in peoples heads. Which makes people hate/fear Obama more, which makes them buy sleepnumber beds and GOLD and Santorum and other shit they advertise on the WND website.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      For a large fraction of the mouthbreathing demographic, the actual text of these articles is what you might call the "fine print".

  • bureaucrap

    "Foster cooperation" sounds totally soshulist to me.

  • freakishlywrong

    Did you know that King O. signed a new exec. order that let's the goverment take over now if they choose?

    Yes, let's! Fucking baggers can't even spell their conspiracy theories correctly.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Obama Issues Executive Order

    Wake me when the scarey black guy uses this to throw the bankers, W and Cheney and George Zimmerman into jail.

    • oldedinvn

      You have a long sleep coming.

  • Goonemeritus

    I didn’t know Clinton, Bush and Eisenhower were black.

    • OurDailyBread

      See how successful the LSM is?

  • SixThirty

    Obama Declares Martial Law! (continued on reverse)


    …would be a very scary headline if it were true!

  • DaRooster

    Be prepared… be deathly prepared!

  • chascates

    The order permits the federal government to identify, assess, be prepared, improve the efficiency, and foster cooperation, something that wingnuts themselves claim the government cannot achieve.

    Nothing to worry about here.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    This is Obama Martial Law… being white is NOT going to help. Being a pinko, on the other hand, might be helpful. Scrub the Stars & Bars bumper sticker off your pickup truck, and you'll probably get by.

    • chascates

      I do have 2 Obama bumper stickers on my truck so I may get by.

  • Beetagger

    During times like this, I miss Andrew Breitbart's calm, reasoned analysis.

  • GortRay

    Well I hope that the martians don't probe us too much when we're under martian law! What's that?…Martial law? Oh, never mind.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dang, and I was just getting used to being free again, after my stay in Bush's FEMA camps for all those years.

  • chascates

    The objective Right Side News (the Right News for Americans) explains what is different in this update of previous executive orders:

    The original "National Defense Resources Preparedness" executive order (EO 8248) was issued back in 1939. This latest version is very similar to EO 12919 that was signed by Bill Clinton in June 1994. However, several very important changes have been made in this new version.

    For example, in Section 201(b) the words "under both emergency and non-emergency conditions" have been added.

    So now the federal government can take control of all food, all energy, all health resources, all transportation resources and "all other materials, services, and facilities" in the country even if the United States is not experiencing emergency conditions.

    Not that the Obama administration really needed to put that in there. After all, the U.S. government has been operating under a constant state of national emergency since September 14, 2001.

    So the Obama administration did not really need to include a new excuse for taking control of everything. The existing "state of emergency" would probably work just fine.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    "Preparedness" of any kind is just a pretext for tyranny. This is why I don't have insurance and I refuse to brush my teeth.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The spare tire in my trunk is flat. Solidarity, brother!

  • SoBeach

    The nutters ran around with their hair on fire all of 2009, telling anyone who would listen what that muslim nazi socialist was going to do right now — like tomorrow. The census people were going to put infrared targets on the doors of gun owner's houses. Fema camps. Sharia law. We were all going to be forced to eat our vegetables. Yadda yadda.

    We know now that all of that has just been postponed until the Kenyan usurper's second term.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I didn't know that Canada had fucktard nutjobs, too! Well, that makes me feel better about refusing to move there.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Well, THIS certainly explains a lot. From the Wikipedophiles: is a media company based in Denver, Colorado, that operates a network of local news websites, allowing "pro–am contributors" to share their city-based knowledge on a blog-like platform… is a division of Clarity Media Group, with the primary investor being billionaire businessman Philip Anschutz…

    The company derives its name from Anschultz/Clarity's 2004 purchase of the San Francisco Examiner which had previously owned the domain (Turns out that the newspaper is now at

    So, like Austria, we must welcome the Anschlutz, or be eradicated.

  • BerkeleyBear

    I just wish that Obama would do a tiny slice of what a whole lot of presidents on both sides of politics used to do regularly – directly seize an industry, take over a whole sector because of some "emergency" or another. These nuts think this guy's a socialist for not taking a hand's off approach to the auto bailout? Can only imagine what they would have thought of Truman and Ike seizing dozens of companies for defense purposes (sure Truman got smacked over steel, but a whole lot of other seizures went on with no bitching).

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'd like him to seize and nationalize Dagny Taggart's railroad. For the lulz.

  • nirrti_rachelle

    Hide yo' kids. Hide yo' wives….because they being black presidents over here!

  • smitallica

    I heard this President even demanded his own PLANE and HELICOPTER to take him wherever he wants to go. SO he can visit LABOR CAMPS???

  • dijetlo


    You stole my brain…..(whimper)….

  • MadBrahms

    Hopefully Obama can figure out a way to integrate his new death chambers into the Abortionplex, to save on wasteful public employee spending. Should placate the Republicans somewhat.

  • I love these right wing freakouts. I find their mindless fear strangely intoxicating. Let's find a gay Muslim to head the Joint Chiefs and revel in their frenzied panic!

  • Obama isn't in the same league as the real professionals in the "ruling by decree" business. Egypt declared a state of emergency in 1967–much of it is still in force–and Syria ended theirs last year after 48 years, replacing it with their new "shoot if if it moves" policy.

    He has a way to go with his puny Executive Orders.

  • Biff

    How can we explain Madonna's accent, then?

  • Speaking of right-wing freakouts, I understand the ammo hoarding has begun once again. As a barometer for the overall war, as opposed to these silly intermural skirmishes, I think that's probably significant.

  • William A. Jacobson is the same cretin that attacked Obama over his choice of condiments for a burger.

  • ttommyunger

    On the bright side, Andrew Breitbart is still dead.

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