James O’Keefe Might Possibly Have a Problem With Women

  to the pain

GuiltyThe fine people at Mediaite have an excellent ‘splainer braiding together the threads of onetime James O’Keefe comrade Nadia Naffe, her harassment complaint against him, the “night in the barn,” her upcoming tell-all, and other assorted completely unhilarious doings. They are better men than your editrix, who can barely read Naffe’s original harassment complaint without a long pull of Pepto and a Silkwood shower.

In very brief sum, Naffe (who had previously sued the RNC for a racially charged hostile work environment, because duh) was working with O’Keefe to attempt to wiretap Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters; she went to New Jersey to meet with him; and after drinking some beer found she couldn’t really use her legs? She wanted to go home, O’Keefe wouldn’t take her to the train station (and at this point she couldn’t walk), and when she finally threatened to call the police, he came with some total creepazoid who stood silently in the shadows, until eventually she awoke in Penn Station.

Later, gentlemanly O’Keefe started harassing her through friends and intermediaries, which provided the basis for her charges.

Conservative legal blogger “Patterico” explains that a judge not finding probable cause for harassment charges is prima facie evidence that there was no harassment. The judge in question, however, specifically says the opposite; that he is merely unable to determine that O’Keefe was under his jurisdiction in Westwood, New Jersey, at the time the alleged harassment occurred (despite the fact that he was ordered to remain there by another court). He suggests instead she retain an excellent lawyer for a civil suit. Patterico:

The court repeatedly said that he could not find anything in her certification that sounded like harassment, and she confirmed that she had not been threatened or touched[.]

 
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The judge himself says, repeatedly, that harassment can consist of good old fashioned words, but maybe Patterico is not a very good lawyer? Plus also too, if Naffe was drugged, that’s not harassment. It’s assault, and possibly attempted murder. But Patterico would rather build a lovely strawman for his fellows to pinata about, and so is focusing instead on whether O’Keefe tried to rape her — if he did, she hasn’t yet said so, but has implied some shenanigans via Twitter. (Those shenanigans may have been just the drugging and the holding her captive, which is sort of an ongoing theme of Young Master O’Keefe’s. You do remember that stupid boat caper, the original plan for which O’Keefe’s other penitent accomplice swears called for the boat to sail so the reporter would be trapped and unable to leave … or even “unlawfully imprisoned,” if you wanna get all legal about it.)

Andrew Breitbart, via Tweet, sympathized with Naffe, who says she had called him for help while she was trapped in the barn: “There is no ‘rape plot’, you slanderous, libelous wannabe Media Matters smear junkie.”

Others throughout the blogosphere are outraged at Naffe’s suggestion that she was roofied; they suggest she was just plain old drunk; your editrix has been dosed a time or three herself, and while at the time there is confusion and you don’t really realize what’s happened, once it’s over you know exactly what did. Drinking a beer (or even five!) does not usually result in loss of muscle function and an inability to move. It is very, very different (and easily distinguishable) from the effects of alcohol (even a lot of it!) — but it does take a few hours once one’s head has cleared to realize that what happened wasn’t just your typical Tuesday morning Mel Gibson Breakfast.

Your editrix hereby lifts all injunctions in this and only this post against ideating upon the painful death of James O’Keefe, as long as it contains no actual or credible threats. Go for it dudes. Have fuckin’ at it. [NadiaNaffe, via Mediaite]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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502 comments

  1. Barb

    What's the difference between necrophilia and roofie induced date rape?

    Just the body temperature…

    1. memzilla

      Ah, memories. The old joke whose punchline is: "Sorry, fella, we don't serve necros here."

        1. Arken

          I don't know the joke either, but I'll try to make one up…

          A horny corpse shambles into a brothel and steps up to the Madam. "Sssssssseeeeeeeeeexxxxx," it slurs.

          The madam replies, "Sorry, fella, we don't serve necros here."

          Not great, but it's the best I could do.

        2. Doktor StrangeZoom

          A guy with a corpse slung over his shoulder walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve necros here."

          (Google is our friend!)

          1. FROTHY

            Oy, gevalt, oy vey is mir! I get queasy when confronted with surgical details, and I've been queased ever since I got here. On the PLUS side, she's still eating like a horse (and still as scrawny as a rail). Lost enough weight for three lady dress sizes. I'm cooking Good Healthy Food by the cartload. It's been several months since the surgery, but she still has spells of extreme exhaustion. And I might have to murder a few surgeons before I leave this country, but don't tell anyone. The fucker who did some of the reconstructive surgery actually had the gall to postpone it till Xmas week because he was going fly-fishing. I'll give him something to fish out of his fly if I ever get my hands on him, youbetcha.

            Also, too, scars. Dear sweet lady, I did not realize surgeons left so many and they had to be so big. More scans in July with a possibility of more surgery at year-end, but I just don't know if I can stay here that long. I'm going insane with homesickness and exhaustion. Still, it's in a good cause, and I dare say our relationship is healthier than it's ever been, even if the participants therein are sicker.

            She's improving by the day. Nothing like good food and loving care. Thanks ever so much for asking. Fond hugs and heartfelt hopes that you are doing well and work is not too taxing.

          2. HistoriCat

            July?? But that's months and months – and it's not like we can even take advantage of the situation and obnoxiously crash there when we decide on a whim to visit Australia.

            Well, it is for a good cause and it's not like we never hear from you … so I guess we will carry on somehow.

          3. FROTHY

            I'll probably be back by end-April. I can't stay here that long,there's stuff to take care of at home, too.

            I made her up her bandwidth just for youse guys, so don't push it, dood. (Rubs the furry belly)

          4. Tilley

            Oh Frothy, I can compare my scars with the manliest of scarred men and win the competition, for whatever that's worth, which is nothing. Well, one thing about it, such mortifications of the flesh help one separate one's being from the skin-bag within which one is encompassed, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Take care of yourself and know you've been a tremendous boost to your sister, but ultimately, it's up to her, not you. How fortunate that she has you. I'm fine, love my job, neck feels much better, thanks and OOXXOO.

      1. Nostrildamus

        The was an old hermit named Dave
        Who kept a dead whore in a cave
        He said "I'll admit
        I'm a bit of a shit,
        But think of the money I save!"

    1. hilbillyheroine

      Look at him. He reminds me of a freak who never got a girl (or a guy) in his entire life. A young Norman Bates. Let us all be glad he didn't take her home to meet "mom".

      1. stncmchnc

        Probably still a virgin, not that there's anything wrong that. Okay yes in his case there is something seriously wrong.

      2. FROTHY

        Sweet Lawdy Jebus! He does, kinda, don't he?

        That nose, however, is ALL Karl Malden. Or "Ol' Potato-Nose," as he's known in our fambly.

      1. flamingpdog

        I hope your dog bites you on your ass for comparing his ass to something as disgusting as O'Keefe.

    2. MaxUdargo

      If O'Keefe had been hired instead of Bob Denver to play Gilligan in Gilligan's Island it would have changed the dynamics of the show completely. Just something to think about when you're drunk.

      1. FROTHY

        Now I'm gonna have to get all drunky to get that picture outa my head. Good thing there's bottle shops every two blocks here.

        1. flamingpdog

          I thought you were in Australia, not Wyoming. Oh, my bad, in Wyoming there's a bottle shop every block. Hic!

      1. flamingpdog

        I bet Barb would be happy to cut off his dick* and toss it into a corn field.

        *providing (1) he actually has one, and (2) she could find it.

        1. FROTHY

          Our Barb will do her best, if it means whipping out a magnifying glass, tweezers, and a very, very tiny little serrated knife.

  2. SorosBot

    Fuck. I'm sorry I've joked before that O'Keefe was a rapist based on the boat plot, now that it turns out he actually is one. Hm, someone could use a rusty pair of garden shears cutting off his balls right now.

    1. Terry

      Yeah, he's gone from being a lying amoral asshole, to being a lying amoral goddamn rapist. O'Keefe needs to go to jail soon and stay there for a long, long time.

    2. FROTHY

      Oh, generous, most generous of 'Bots! You assume he *has* any. In my (admittedly limited) experience, the men who desire to rape and injure women sexually are suffering from severe loss/malfunction of, or anxiety about malfunction of, their malfunctioning equipment.

      It takes a strong and self-assured man to accept women as equals.

      1. SorosBot

        It doesn't seem all that hard to accept women as equals; in fact, it comes naturally. What the fuck is wrong with men who see women as nothing but objects? I just don't get it. Presumably these cretins all had mothers (I kind of doubt anyone raised by gay male couples end up as raging misogynists) – did they even love them and see their moms as human beings?

        1. HistoriCat

          They're insecure little shits (even if they are 6'6" and 250 lbs). As such they need to feel superior to someone and it's a very easy distinction to make – like me and not like me.

        2. FROTHY

          What can I say, your Mom raised you right. My elder brother is a right asshole on the whole "women's equality" thing, and absolutely HATES Teh Gheyz, which must drive him insane of nights, since three of his three siblings are gayer than the larks. OTOH, he *was* raised by our not-so-dear and thankfully departed mother which, after living with her for 18 years, it would be a miracle if any of her sons ever wanted to be within a mile of Teh Wimminz.

          If I have a little respect, love, and kindness for Teh Wimminfolks, I have my father to thank for it. Hell, he put up with her for 60 years.

      2. dubyatf

        And a very insightful man to accept women as what we really are-your superiors. SHA-ZAY-AM!
        C'mon, it had to be said. . .

        1. FROTHY

          Dood/ine, I know better than to argue with the nice Lady-People. Anybody who can walk around with somebody else growing inside of them for like up to a year and then spend another 24/48/72 hours getting something the size of a watermelon through an aperture the size of a dime, I ain't got nuthin' to argue about with 'em.

    3. Spurning Beer

      That's ALLEGED rapist, ALLEGED balls, and ALLEGED garden shears, Soros.

      We don't have a dispensation on the libel rule, do we? And the hypothetical skull-fucking of O'Keefe is still discouraged, right?

      Still, I'm going to ideate the hell out of Jimbo strung upside-down and used for Taser target practice until he Romneys.

    4. comrad_darkness

      But if you cut off his balls where do you use the cattle prod? Allegedly. Just floating that out there.

  3. hilbillyheroine

    But, did she scream or fight till she was dead? No? Jamie O'Girly ought to be good, then.

    1. chicken_thief

      My thoughts per-zactly. WTF is Jamie doing with a girl?! Maybe the roofie was intended for "the man in the shadows" but Nadia sucked down the wrong drink?

  4. memzilla

    "Your editrix hereby lifts all injunctions in this and only this post against ideating upon the painful death of James O’Keefe…"

    DISPENSATIONS! WE HAZ 'EM!

    And I'm ideatin' as hard as I can!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        It's no fun when mom says we can do it. Let's make truly thoughtful and reasoned comments about it instead.

        : /

        (Now there's where I'm gonna get performance anxiety.)

      2. FROTHY

        Yeah, me too. Sad but true. After a week or two of enforced not-evil-thinking, I'm hard put to come up with something of the evil-thinking variety.

        1. flamingpdog

          Don't worry, relax. It's like operating a rusty chainsaw. Once you learn how to, you never really forget.

          1. FROTHY

            Oh, yeah, I remember now! Fuck that fucking fucketty little fuckwit sideways with a rusty chainsaw! Pre-dipped in essence of bhoot jolokia! No lube for that dood.

  5. finallyhappy

    women- it is always our fault. I read the Handmaid's Tale and now many of us are asking Margaret Atwood why she said it was fiction.

    1. FROTHY

      I forget where she wrote/said it, but Atwood once asked her class to write down what they were most afraid of. Pretty uniformly, the women expressed fear that men would kill them, and the men, that women would mock them.

      Instructive, innit?

        1. FROTHY

          At the time she was teaching in Canada, and I believe it was right around the same time some Canadian engineering student went nuts because "girlz" were allowed in his classes, so he pulled out a gun and shot a bunch of 'em.

          It's pretty sad when half the human population has good reason to fear being murdered by the other half.

          1. starfanglednut

            I think, though, that it's important to maintain some tiny little bit of optimism (even though this is wonkette). There is much good in humankind, and it is possible we may eventually grow out of this kind of barbaric behavior.

          2. Fare la Volpe

            I remember coming close to vomit after I read that story.

            We always joke that Walking While Black is a real thing, but the worst my friends ever encounter is a suspicious police officer or a pull over for driving a nice car.

            But this… How can you describe this as anything but a lynching? How?

          3. Chichikovovich

            There is so much that is wrong with that heartbreaking and infuriating story that it may seem silly to pick on a tiny thing. But those can be the most revealing, because confabulators construct a story to explain away and spread fog over the big things, but forget to cover the small ones.

            The shooter's family say they are not speaking to the press because the police advised them not to. What the hell? Are the police advocates all of a sudden? They should be eager to have people talk to the press, the more easily to let them get caught in lies. If the local police are *discouraging* a suspect from speaking, it's long past time for the Feds to step in.

          4. Doktor StrangeZoom

            Don't worry, folks, the Racial Transcendance Brigade at Free Republic have proclaimed that, since the shooter was Latino, this was Officially Not About Race.

            (Actually, the interesting thing about Freeper responses is that a significant portion, maybe half, were actually condemning the shooter, even while pointing out that The Blacks in general are, of course, a threat.)

          5. Chichikovovich

            a significant portion, maybe half, were actually condemning the shooter

            Yeah, I found back in the days when I would survey the posts at Free Republic (before I just gave up because it made me too depressed) that there are a lot of people who will not take a shooter's side in a case where shooter looks bad, because it makes gun owners look bad, so a distancing effort takes place. More generally, whenever anything happens that might make easy access to guns, "Stand your ground" rules for self-defence claims, etc. look bad [concealed weapon goes off accidentally in church, killing pastor's daughter, fx.] they will hasten to condemn the malefactor in this one instance, while generally saying "well, if the person had learned how to handle weapons properly, had realized that serious firearm owners treat their guns responsibly like the NRA says,…."

          6. anniegetyerfun

            I have been utterly unable to participate in conversation surrounding that incident because there's so much "but the black kid obviously attacked the white man in the car!" tomfoolery.

    2. Boojum_Reborn

      It is always your fault. If you weren't all sluts and whores, roofies would be chemically inactive and have no effect. Roofies only work on sluts and whores, because of science.

    3. extreme_left

      thing is you know you want it, i mean you don't even have a schlong and trust me there is nothing better, one can write one's name in the sand and makes for easy reference in who is the better person, but what am i telling you this for, you already know, as seen in Womankind's annexation of schlongs in Machiavelian pursuit of the proxy-schlong.

        1. Boojum_Reborn

          Speaking of which, I have one that needs to be taken for a spin, if you get my drift (and I think you do).

    1. FROTHY

      We could wish a thousand horrible deaths of itchy scrotum upon him. Death by scratching your balls off due to some revolting cootie you got from an infected cooter. Sounds so … fitting for Mr. O'Keefe.

    2. Boojum_Reborn

      No, no, I think killing is about right. Slow, hickory smoked, 150 degree dehydration killing, with ants and nettles, but still killing.

    1. C_R_Eature

      That is bad.

      There was a guy in a local paper's police beat section years ago who got jammed up for fighting. Name was "Phuc Hu Do".

        1. Doktor StrangeZoom

          Not nearly as good, but there's a Boise attorney whose last name is "Jurries." And a mediator / counselor whose last name is "Wellman" (though I think she helps, women, too)

        2. Tilley

          Reminds me of a gynecologist who used to practice here in town, Dr. Diddle. If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'.

          1. FROTHY

            Oh gawd, kill me now! Too fucking … oh, geez, didn't the guy ever have the urge to change his name?

            And the orthopedic surgeon who wanted to put a steel plate in my foot was one Andrew Carver. Got hisself arrested decades later in Hawai'i for doing weird shit. Man, I'm glad I ran out of his office while I could.

          2. SorosBot

            I used to work for a company that did administrative work for trade associations, and one time while working on a database for the ADA (American Dental Association) I saw one of the members was a Dr. Toothaker.

          3. flamingpdog

            In undergraduate school, I had a biology professor named Mitchell Byrd. He was an ornithologist. And the law school had a professor named Swindler.

          4. dinkybossetti

            I used to go to an ob/gyn named Dr. Beaver. But it gets even better than that because his first name was Harry, and on top of that, his middle initial was C. People always think I'm making this up, but it is 100% true.

  6. gullywompr

    You know, with all this stuff being reported by our editrix, I'm starting to feel some empathy towards women.

    1. chicken_thief

      So you'dl warm up the transvaginal probe before inserting, should inserting be necessary?

  7. swordfis

    A few questions:

    Why does O'Keefe's face always look like a mug shot? Has he been practicing in the mirror?

    Does he look like a rapist because he is one? Or did the fact that he always looked like a rapist turn him into the bitter, woman-hating skeeve that he is?

    Look at the proportion between his tiny pervert mouth and abnormally long and wide neck. Is this evidence of chromosomal damage? Or did someone Photoshop him? Or is he naturally Photoshopped?

    1. Veritas78

      If a judge would actually put him in jail where he belongs, that mouth would not be so tiny.

    2. sharethegrief

      He has the same neck as Syrian hitman Assad. But if you put a blonde wig on him he could pass for Ann Coulter.

    3. Terry

      You know, but for some family money, Jimmy boy would be just another inbred looking halfwit pumping gas and trying to catch a look down women's blouses as he squeegees the windshields.

    4. soojank

      wait, you mean that isn't a mug shot?

      I honestly thought that it was until I read this comment.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        It is a mugshot. It's from when he was caught hacking the phone lines of a Louisiana Senator.

      1. Geminisunmars

        I said this somewhere else, too, also, but I thought this was a piece about Tim McVeigh when I first brought Wonkette up.

  8. boobookitteh

    I wonder how easy it is to hold an aspirin between your knees after you've been roofie'd.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Jokes involving a wood chipper and O'Keefe's nutsack may, on the other hand, be funny.

    1. Barb

      2. The gift of the G.E. four-slice shower toaster?
      3. Asking him, "Can I buy you your last drink?"

    2. SorosBot

      http://animal.discovery.com/fish/river-monsters/c

      The Amazon's Most Feared Fish: The Candiru is a terrifying fish, even when stacked up against its fellow river monsters of the Amazon. But this parasitic freshwater catfish does not instill fear by way of its monstrous size. On the contrary, it's small, eel-like and so translucent that it can be nearly impossible to spot in the water, which makes it even more terrifying. Some claim this fish is the most feared in the entire Amazon region, and the fear stems from the fact that it has a knack for finding open orifices and working its way inside. Once inside another organism, the Candiru feeds on its host's blood, becoming increasingly swollen. The Candiru is the star of an urban legend — which turns out to be true — of a man who was urinating in the Amazon River when a 6-inch Candiru swam up his urine stream into his penis. The fish remained there for days, until a surgeon was able to remove it.

      The Most Horrific Candiru: Perhaps the most horrifying Candiru species of all is the Candiru asu. This small catfish is a voracious parasite. It uses its circular mouth and sharp teeth to bite flesh and then enter organisms, leaving behind a wound that looks uncannily like a bullet hole. The Candiru asu proceeds to feed on the organs, literally eating its victim from inside. Human corpses have been discovered in the Amazon filled with more than 100 of these river monsters. Scientists and coroners have determined that the victims may have even been alive and simply incapacitated when the Candiru asu struck.

      And I'd like to see James O'Keefe be unable to find a surgeon until it's too late.

      1. C_R_Eature

        I tip my virtual hat at you Soros, for finding an incredibly grotesque and pain-ridden fate for this one. This will make the choice of mine all the harder, but so be it. It's so worth it.

      2. FROTHY

        Actually, what *I* would like is for him to find such a surgeon, who would then be required by the laws of the locality to perform a forced ultrasound and give him a 20-minute lecture on the procedure about to be performed.

        Correct me if I'm wrong, but can't a candiru asu cause death in less time?

        1. banana_bread

          Frothy, I'm more than a little in love with this comment. And I'm pretty sure it's not just the sangria making me say that.

        2. heathenette

          And make him wait 24 (or is it 72 now?) hours till you actually get the surgeon to do the “procedure”.
          BtW this is an incredibly horrible umm “thing”, and equal to the degree I’ve been hoping for as justice for O’Keefe for his many infractions of the law and humanity. Thank you.

    3. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Recognition of what a scum he is, followed by a complete renunciation of his "career" and an expose of the ideological hooligans he supported, after which the hyenas he used to love rip him limb from limb as Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow try, unsuccessfully, to come to his aid?

      1. C_R_Eature

        On board the City of Glasgow. Enroute to New York City, in the North Atlantic, in the fog, in 1942. In the Twilight Zone.

        Over and over. Forever.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        I'm in favor of a good old fashioned Amish shunning. No one is allowed to speak to him, look at him, or even acknowledge that he exists. His name shall be expunged from every record, his credit cards permanently terminated, every hint of a social media presence permanently blocked. He will not be allowed to enter businesses, own a home, or accept aid from any charity. Worst of all, he won't even be able to purchase the weapon that would allow him to end it all.

        He will die of neglect within a fortnight. And the world will be better for it.

    4. FROTHY

      An enema with bhut jolokia (at 2 million Scoville units, the highest known to humanity at this time).

      Of course, we'd have to figure out which end he shits from first.

  9. SexySmurf

    When did Wonkette turn into the Lifetime network? Next week, I'm expecting a post about Tori Spelling's pap smear that went horribly, horribly wrong.

    1. memzilla

      When did Wonkette turn into the Lifetime network?

      About the same time the Rethuglicans turned into the He-Man Women Hater's Club.

    2. Callyson

      When did Wonkette turn into the Lifetime network?
      About the same time the Reeps turned into the anti female party (more so)…

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      Welp, at the ascension of Ms. Schoenkopf, a lot you-all were saying it was about time to put the 'ette back in Wonkette. I'm OK with it.

      It's a damn sight better than dealing with that ol' Gloomy Gus, whathisname, Eeyore Layne or whatever.

    4. Dashboard Buddha

      a post about Tori Spelling's pap smear that went horribly, horribly wrong.

      Around these parts, we just call that Tuesday.

  10. AlaskaGrrl

    Not death. No, no, that might be an actual kindness to the boy. Gelding, I believe, a more fitting and equally long term solution to Master O'Keefe's problem with women. Or rather, the solution to women's problem wih O'Keefe.

    1. FROTHY

      Eh, the Chinese figured it out ten thousand years ago. The Death of A Thousand Cuts for the miserable piece of shit, after all he's put so many people through.

      Wan SUI!

  11. Redhead

    Not saying that *I* want to, mind you, but look at his face – I mean, if someone hit him upside the head with a 2×4 once or twenty times, well, he's just asking for it, looking like that.

  12. Tundra Grifter

    Personally, a much more interesting weekend post would be more about "… your editrix has been dosed a time or three herself, and while at the time there is confusion and you don’t really realize what’s happened, once it’s over you know exactly what did."

    Stictly as a cautionary tale for the young ladies out there, of course.

    1. Terry

      Agreed. I'm actually concerned about that revelation. I'm turning into a pearl clutching maiden auntie in my old age.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Terry:

        Thank you. The tone of my Comment certainly could be improved on. This is serious stuff and people need to be very, very careful out there. Yet not be paranoid.

        I just read a story about men in the Castro (SF) being drugged and robbed by strangers after they slipped drugs into their drinks.

        There's nothing funny about such crimes.

  13. Callyson

    then-CNN correspondent Abbie Boudreau (now with ABC News)…reported, in September 2010, that, based on documents and eyewitness accounts, James O’Keefe had planned to lure her onto a boat filled with sex toys and hidden cameras. The plan called for the boat to set sail with O’Keefe and Boudreau aboard, so that the reporter would be unable to escape, at which point O’Keefe would try to “seduce” her. The plan called for the “prank” to end with Boudreau in tears, begging to be let off of the boat.
    I know I'd be in tears begging to get away from James O'Keefe well before the ship set sail…

    1. mrblifil

      More likely O'Keefe and his partner in crime would have ended up with multiple violations pertaining to several orifices. And maybe a cock slap or two with the 14-inch black dong for good measure.

        1. Terry

          You know, O'Keefe = massive black dildo might just deserve the Santorum treatment. Or perhaps O'Keefe = beaten to death with a dildo.

    2. chicken_thief

      I don't have a clue who Abbie Boudreau is, but if that plan had actually been hatched, I'd bet the family fortune that she would have kicked his ass all over the boat, beating him like the bitch he is until he decided on his own to swim to shore. Doesn't he own a fucking mirror?!!! Who does he think he is going to intimidate?!

    3. JohnnyQuick

      "The plan called for the “prank” to end with Boudreau in tears, begging to be let off of the boat."

      Guessing O'Keefe thought Ralph Fiennes' character was the hero of Schindler's List, which he found to be a raucous frat comedy.

  14. Doktor StrangeZoom

    In an email to the "Mediaite" * reporter, O'Queefe sez, "This is a blatant smear, But it’ll take a bullet to stop me. My price is my life."

    I dunno. I think that a complete lack of financial support and attention would stop him far better.

    * I just hate that title. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard, a sound that I have actually heard, you damn kids.

    1. gullywompr

      I once decided to scrape my fingernails on the blackboard just to see what all the damned fuss was about. I still don't get it.

      1. flamingpdog

        You must have inner ears of steel, GW. I have a congenital hearing loss high in the nornal hearing range, but when I tried it once, I ended up looking like Rush Limpballs imitating Michael Keaton.

  15. Chichikovovich

    I certainly do not wish death upon Mr. O'Keefe, however much the world would be improved by his absence. But I hope that when he does die, he becomes one of those ghosts like the invisible ones in The Sixth Sense who have no idea they're dead. Then he could wander the streets of major cities shouting increasingly frantically "I'm shocking! Look at me! At me!! I wear pimp costumes! Stop walking, damn you! Pay attention to meeeeee! …."

  16. Callyson

    James O’Keefe sent the following additional comment:
    No, informing you about the existence of public court records — that speak to possible motive — was not my only comment to you. For the record, I break a huge story about dead people getting ballots in Vermont. You ignore this and two days later you bring up this issue which was dismissed months ago. You journalists cleary (sic) want my scalp by running lies and fabrications. This is a blatant smear, But it’ll take a bullet to stop me. My price is my life.
    Note: repeating the above idiotic rambling of James O'Keefe =/= an actual or credible threat. Just a fond wish…

    1. chicken_thief

      Yes, James. Your work is sooooo important. So destructive to the librul cause. Death would be the only way to keep you from your craft.

      Gimme a fucking break.

      But to address the point directly – dead people received ballots. So?

      1. Jukesgrrl

        My grandfather got a summons to appear for jury duty after he was dead and when he didn't respond to it, the county sent a sheriff to pick him up. Shit happens. You'd think someone with a face like that would have figured it out by now.

    2. not that Dewey

      Sure, James, it's a real shame that the media is ignoring the evidence from Vermont. This evidence that shows that you committed voter registration fraud in an attempt to prove that it was possible to commit voter registration fraud. Well, "intent follows the bullet", as Jack McCoy would say. It hardly matters why you committed voter registration fraud. As to why the media is ignoring it, well, it doesn't fit with the right-wing narrative that ACORN!!1! , so therefore it's not newsworthy as voter fraud. You, James, helped to create the environment that allows this to be ignored.

      Here in NM, we have a mini-O'Keefe, the husband of a Heather Wilson campaign staffer, who committed voter fraud by registering his dog to vote. This is after the TeaParty Governor and AG spent millions of dollars investigating what they claimed was widespread voter fraud among illegal immigrants. They promised that they would uncover 64,000 cases of illegal immigrants registered as voters. And what did they find with this fiscally-conservative investigation? They found two improper registrations — and one was a typo. Neither of the two had ever actually voted. Republicans prove once again that they are serious about vote fraud; serious about being fraudulent, that is.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Wow, that reply is way too intelligent to be addressed to James. And if he did, by chance, understand, he'd ignore it because it doesn't fit his narrative. It fits mine, though. So thanks.

        1. not that Dewey

          I had something all prepared, something Totally Libelous about Skullfudgery, but then I thought WWCD? (What Would Chichikovovich Do?)

          Granted, it's a pale imitation of what he would have written. I'm only human.

    3. JustPixelz

      "… a huge story … "

      Um … no. The story is that James O'Keefe demonstrated that some kind of voter fraud is possible in Vermont, but not that it actually has occurred.

      Meanwhile, his conduct with this young woman sounds like a felony. His prison name will be "Suck me bitch".

  17. Veritas78

    Given his martyr complex suggested in the Mediaite story (But it’ll take a bullet to stop me. My price is my life.) we haven't heard the last of him.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      To borrow from early '00s rap, Jimmy is saying, "I might leave in a body bag, but never in handcuffs".

  18. Antispandex

    Look, some people like being drugged. Some people like being scared too, or we wouldn't have roller coasters….and let's face it, being held captive is sort of in the eye of the beholder…shit, I got nothing here. Let's just rip his balls off, and then shoot him. See? I know how to take advantage when given the go ahead.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I think Peggy will be just fine with all that. After all, the lad has never, to my knowledge, used unduly coarse language.

    2. GemlikeFlame

      As repugnant as little Jimmy is (and he is), he's plainly neither smart enough or creative enough to come up with this stuff on his own. Who's pulling his strings? Enough lightning bolts to go around, but I want to make sure that we get all of the people responsible.

  19. SpeedoFart

    Crap.

    I'm trying to work "skullfuck" into a witty almost-but-not-quite death threat against O'Keefe, but I got nothin'.

    Little help?

    1. mrblifil

      How about this? "I certainly would not want my aging Grandmother stumbling across my open browser page and finding the word "skullfuck" among the Wonkette comments."

      Too soon?

    2. Boojum_Reborn

      I think skullfucking O'Keefe is clearly NOT a death threat. There is nothing behind his eyes to harm.

    3. gurukalehuru

      Hows about maybe a 2 ton crate of specially designated skull fucking skulls from Skulls 'r' Us should drop on his head, or maybe be tied to his ankle as he is dropped from a garbage scow into the Hudson, or maybe somebody could get a hold of a skull and put some glue (strong stuff) into the eye socket and send it to him as a birthday gift. Of course, that last one might not be fatal, just kind of funny.

  20. DarwinianDemon

    Now would Ron Paul consider this here an attempt at "honest rape" or just the regular slutty kind?

  21. bumfug

    You know that picture of Rick Santorum that's made up of thousands of tiny pictures of gay guys? O'Keefe looks like that except with pictures of limp-dick losers. He should never, for the rest of his life, get to fuck anything but the rotting corpse of Breitbart.

  22. C_R_Eature

    Rebecca! A Violence-Injunction Free Post! And what a richly deserving target, that duplicitous Ferret-Faced kept boy ratfucker! Thank you Thank you Thank you.

    Well, as Soros has Rudely jumped in with my immediate idea (the horrific Candiru parasitic catfish) I may need some time to come up with something more Brilliant and Truly Disturbing. Invertebrate parasitology will probably be featured.

    Off the top of my head though, a fitting death (with which I'm not truly satisfied ) is 凌遲; ( língchí) roughly translated as Death by a Thousand Cuts. An appalling execution method used in China until 1900 or so for those who committed really appalling crimes. With O'Keefe I think it's only just a matter of time.

    I feel that the After-Death punishment needs attention, also. I think this evil O'Keefe abomination should have accumulated enough bad karma to become a 餓鬼 (èguǐ,) or ཡི་དྭགས་, ( yi dwag), the Hungry Ghost in Chinese and Tibetan Buddhist religion. Especially the Tibetan version. Spending Eternity as a being "…teardrop or paisley-shaped with bloated stomachs and necks too thin to pass food such that attempting to eat is also incredibly painful. Some are described as having "mouths the size of a needle's eye and a stomach the size of a mountain" Seems appropriate.

    I think it's a good start.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      The one thing he does not get would be death by snoo-snoo (roughly translated as Death by a Thousand Cunts)

    2. redarmyzombie

      Can we mail him bullet ants? Please, I want to use bullet ants!

      As for the afterlife, I believe there's another variant of the hungry ghost, who's punishment lies in that they can only consume excrement. Fitting, I think.

          1. C_R_Eature

            "I got bitten and it felt awesome!"

            You know, I'm pretty Weird, but every time I watch one of these Japanese videos I realize just how large the Weirdness Continuum really is.

            EDIT: This would be just unbearable on certain Drugs.

        1. FROTHY

          Enough already. You're reminding me of my delightful childhood.

          Visit the Haw Par Villa sometime, CRE. Do NOT take children wiv you.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Yes, I'll bet it is!

        You'll have to go to a Specialty shop or order from the Chef's Catalog to get one sufficiently tiny, though.

          1. C_R_Eature

            "motorbike" = 'fun for lame cunts'. That is just magnificent. thank you!

            I've bookmarked this and it will no doubt be the cause of many hours of entertainment.

  23. Man0nTheStreet

    A richly-deserved, long-overdue federal prison term for the Landrieu break-in will help ReichFart Jr. get away from his problem with women… until he's forced to become one, but the prison shrink will help him/her adjust…

  24. Barb

    The worst fate we could dream up for this guy would be for him to marry Sarah Palin, assuring the rest of his life a living hell.

  25. bcarter3

    I've always thought O’Keefe looked like the love child of Timothy McVeigh and Lee Harvey Oswald.

  26. DonnyKerabotsos

    This guy equates being sneaky with being smart.

    He's been phenomenally lucky to this point and has dodged legal consequences so far (I know he's on probation, which is meh), but the day may come when one of the women he tries to get shifty with will have a brother or father or boy/girlfriend with other ideas.

    Let him tell them that it'll take a bullet to stop him.

    1. Rotundo_

      The only luck he has had is rich parents and sponsors that have hired good legal representation to keep the little shit out of the big house. Some day he will cross a line where that won't get him out of the shit he gets into. He seems to like pressing the envelope, so it should be fairly soon.

    2. JoeDombrowski21

      O’Keefe was arrested in 2010 for attempting to tamper with phones in the New Orleans office of Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu. Three years of probation were a condition of his sentence. Since then, every trip the activist takes outside of New Jersey (where he resides with his parents) has had to be cleared by a judge.

  27. pinkocommi

    It is sad when all the stereotypes about Republitard men being either creepy misogynists or self-hating, closeted gays hooked on meth-and-gay-prostitute-sex turn out to be true.

  28. valthemus

    I pray to thee, Akyooterrat, God of Squirrels, and beseech thee, direct thy squirrelly brethren to savage the blatherskite James O’Keefe with their sharp claws and pierce his scrotum with their rabid teeth when next the putz visits thy park. Glory to the God of Squirrels, his name be praised… Amen.

    (It's like that demon on Buffy the Vampire said, "Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain!")

    1. flamingpdog

      Wow, I Googled "Akyooterrat, God of Squirrels", and your comment came up first on the hit list!

      In my defense, most ground squirrels worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

    2. SorosBot

      That was D'Hoffryn, the lord of the vengeance demons. And yes, I know that from memory, including spelling (fuck I'm a geek).

  29. Rotundo_

    Jimmy has lead a charmed existence as the prankster prince of the conservative movement. When they no longer have need of him the fall is going to be swift and hard. I wouldn't wish it on most people, but this little gem richly deserves whatever he gets himself irretreivably stuck in, up to and including a concrete filled drum at the bottom of a deep wet place.

    1. FROTHY

      Breitbart's gone now, which means that the family fortune has gone to his spouse and sprog, and somehow I don't think Mrs. will be quite so anxious to shell out teh bux for this prik.

  30. Numbat_Dundee

    I see Republicans
    I watch them rape
    Date rape with drugs
    Catch it on tape
    And I think to myself
    What a horrible bunch
    Yes I think to myself, as I bring up my lunch

  31. not that Dewey

    An ex-Young Republican has a problem with women? Really?

    Next, you'll be telling me that Libertarians have no real, sound economic policy.

          1. C_R_Eature

            A wise choice. At least I didn't "Rickroll" (dickroll?) you.

            It's bad, but not the worst I found. *shudder*

  32. Doktor StrangeZoom

    How can we have gotten this far in the thread without anyone suggesting a creative use for an ultrasound wand?

    (Mind you, the dreaded candiru would be even better…)

  33. redarmyzombie

    So, this means I won't get in trouble for postulating that James O'Keefe should be skullfucked with a rusted chainsaw and/or machinegunned, and/or countless other horrible painful ways in which he could meet his demise?

    Well, all-RIGHTY then! *cracks knuckles*

      1. C_R_Eature

        Yes, pretty big spread out on the Plateau of Leng.

        I just about fell out of my chair on this one!

        Still laughing. You hereby are awarded the Most High Threadwinning Gold Star.

  34. Isyaignert

    Have fuckin' at it you say? O'Keefe needs to go to prison where they'll teach him some manners. He's got a real purdy mouth. Not. Nothing about him is purdy. He's fugly inside and out.

      1. C_R_Eature

        I know… I was just thinking how excruciatingly horrible it would be for O'Keefe and i didn't take into account what a severe bummer he'd be to those poor Hippies.

        Scratch that one.

  35. grayshorter

    I've been rufied, my friends have been rufied – this sounds like rufies.

    Basically, you're immobile. You might be able to kick with one leg or jerk an arm. It's pure torture. You're awake, but you're helpless.

    Just like James likes 'em.

    1. SorosBot

      I'm so sorry you had to go through that. People I care about have been roofied; and upon hearing about it, I definitely wanted to rip the guys who did it balls' off. But then, I realized that was wrong; it's the victims who should get to do the ball-ripping themselves.

      1. Terry

        Remember he tried to wiretap Landreau's New Orleans offices, too. Got arrested for that, but avoided jail. Again, a female politician who is a Dem.

      2. glamourdammerung

        I am sorry. I should have phrased is "what is a valid reason this scumbag is not in Gitmo"?

        Which is what should have happened the first time he pulled this stunt.

    1. cheetojeebus

      yeah, a 'date' mostly includes drool and muscle spasms. So, not much chance for getting to 'know' anyone.

  36. C_R_Eature

    Cry Havoc! and loose the Wonkeratti of War!

    Is it all that you imagined it would be Rebecca?

    1. C_R_Eature

      Oh, I am finding this fun, but I've got a lot of Rage to work through.

      Re: The Minnesota Caucus. God, those prople are such Idiots! I wouldn't hire any one of them to cut the grass.

  37. AlterNewt

    Not one who usually goes in for the vindictive 'ideating' stuff.

    But you have to wonder what the effect would be of strapping him into a chair facing a giant video screen with the image of himself (from this post) while the following plays at, oh, 103 db on an endless loop:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr9x0lTTUi8

    1. flamingpdog

      Back in the Bush years, I used to fantasize about tying up Dubya to a chair in the Oval Office and putting CCR's Fortunate Son on an endless loop at oh, maybe 120 db, until he broke down and started babbling incoherently.

      Or at least more incoherently than usual.

  38. ManchuCandidate

    Jeebus. Roofies? Alcohol. Creepy guy in the back "watching."

    Now we know who the captain of the SS Date Rape is. Fuck, Jimmy why couldn't you have gone and just worn a stupid fucking idiotic hat like that Mystery asshole?

    FYI, Captain SS Date Rape, in prison they don't need roofies.

  39. raresteaksandoilpainting

    Oh, no, now Mr. Dildo-partyboat is a sex creep? What has the world come to? It is almost as if embracing a philosophy that essentially devalues all other lives except your own and those of fetuses and corporations has some kind of corrosive effect on the very soul.

  40. Dashboard Buddha

    How about a singing Candiru-gram?

    If a fish makes you sick
    When it bites through your dick
    …that's Candiru!

  41. spareme

    This guy will continue tripping over his on dick until someone comes up with something substantial on him. Lets face is – he is a goon, or kook, whatever. I feel sorry for him just a little bit. Not that much though. Ok – he iust lucky. But I think he is the biggest horses ass out there. If he were my kiddo, I'de have him locked up.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      It's still a valid defense in rural Oklahoma. And I'm not being all that facetious, either. 10 or 12 years ago an old man near my humble ranch was charged and tried for killing two trespassers whom he'd already told to stop hunting on his property. This time, their trespassing was the straw that broke the dam on the old rancher's vast reservoir of patience. I don't know if he fired a warning shot before he unloaded his shotgun and dropped 'em dead. Both of them men, I assume while yelling some version of "Run away. Run away," were shot in the back and killed.

      He was tried in our county. After two hung juries, the prosecutor gave up. My husband, new to these parts, expressed some surprise at the verdict while drinking coffee at the local lumberyard. After a couple of chuckles, one of the guys told my husband, "Neither one of them old boys has ever been any good, even when they was kids." In short, they'd needed killin' fer a long time.

      1. HistoriCat

        At least he was tried. Near Houston there was a case where a man was shot in the back on someone else's property and the DA didn't even charge the shooter.

        1. Negropolis

          I remember that. Some guy's neighbor shot someone stealing some shit from the his own property. I even think he called the police and told them he was going to shoot the guy for stealing his neighbor's shit, if I remember this correctly. Crazy, crazy, shit.

          I tell you, something similar happened here in Detroit where a man got home as someone was burglarizing his home. The burgler was clearly unarmed, dropped the property he stole, and proceeded to run away why the homeowner chased him a good two blocks before the perp stopped, turned around, put his hands up and begged for his life. The homeowner said something like "not today" and just cold shot the man to death blocks away from his property. Needless to say that the homeowner is in prison and all over some property that wasn't even stolen. I think like anyone, I sympathize with someone that's worked to get something and then has it stolen from them, but killing people over taking your property is never the answer. Never.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Sweet Zombie Jeebus we are in a real life Blazing Saddles…

      Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
      Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
      Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
      Applicant: I like rape.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      The accused has his very own self-aggrandizing website. Don't miss it! It includes this provocative statement [his punctuation]: "Currently Founder and President of a non profit helping youth (National Council of Americans, Inc. on a part-time basis)" I guess he's too busy for full-time since he's out raping. And that NCOA website reads as rather pedophiley to me.
      http://www.michaelkobulnickyusa.com/
      http://www.ncoam.org/

      I was wondering if this got any play in the SD mainstream media and, if so, did it mention his tea party affiliation. Indeed it did. Not only was the Union-Tribune article headlined, "Sex assault suspect a tea party leader," but it also contained details missing from the Politicus article.

      "Karen Grube, a tea party member, said Friday night she worked with Kobulnicky on several events and was shocked to learn of his arrest. Her initial reaction was 'this can’t be the same guy,' she said. The tea party is supporting Grube as a candidate for the San Diego Republican Central Committee, according to its website."

      The UT article said Kobulnicky, a self-identified Christian father of five, had been arrested for "a domestic-violence case in 2008." http://www.utsandiego.com/news/2012/mar/16/sex-as

  42. MadBrahms

    Ho ho, but she was once arrested for domestic abuse! She would lie about rape charges, because that is what women do, to control men, who are so oppressed. James must be such a hit with the MRA crowd.

    When someone finds a criminal charge that finally sticks, I hope they force him to wear that pimp suit in prison. Should go over really well.

  43. C_R_Eature

    "Mr. O'Keefe. I would like to introduce you to your new Clinical Psychologist. Meet Dr. Hannibal Lechter."

  44. ttommyunger

    After careful consideration and reading the foregoing 200+ comments, I can only surmise that nothing would be more horrific than waking up every morning being this pencil-necked pussyfart, sorry.

    1. C_R_Eature

      This is just really a collection of the very worst people our country has to offer.

      I'm starting to warm to Gingrich's Moon Colony concept.

  45. mrblifil

    Hmmm… some pretty good death ideation, but I have in mind something more subtle. I would like to travel forward in time to the occasion of his coming out, and record it, then come back to the present (which just passed by the way), and show it to him. Oh alright fine, we'll throw in some Giuliani Time to keep him on his toes.

  46. Barb

    Bitches, get in here and tell us what's on your mind.
    What are you drinking?
    What are you wearing?

      1. Barb

        I am wearing a blue polka dot nightshirt and that's all. I am drinking diet beer and listening to the University of New Mexico basketball game.

        1. Steverino247

          Well, I was wearing a pair of sweat pants, but they're down around my ankles after reading this.

        1. C_R_Eature

          You know I asked Ken nicely before he left us but he just ignored me.

          Now we may never know.

          1. Barb

            Must be nice to be cranking your own estrogen. I guess we won't be seeing you at the abortionplex this month, eh? We're carpooling with Rebecca in 17-ish days. Be there or be GOP-square.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Oh, right. That's a question.

      *Dark & Stormys (finally warm enough)
      *Grilled Monkfish, baked red potato, grilled brussels sprouts
      *A Death robe and scythe Woah! How did that happen!?!
      *No Socks

      1. Barb

        C_R_, grilled brussels sprouts are more yummy to me than chocolate covered chocolate. A little squeeze of lemon juice makes my little cabbages hap, hap, happy.

          1. C_R_Eature

            OK, now I will have to make that tomorrow (I held back a few Sprouts) instead of that shrimp, rice and hot pepper Caribbean .Thanks!

            I have some great x-tra,X-tra virgin Olive Oil that will do nicely.

          2. Barb

            I always hold back a little bacon grease in the fridge for the sprouts.
            Jeff likes to slip over to the competitor's casino every once in a while and he tends to win. He will come home and tell me that I can have ANYTHING I want and we always go shopping and he gets the snobbiest of cork caged fancy beers and I ALWAYS go for sprouts and some decent watermelon.

    2. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Baron Herzog red wine (bought because it reminded me of Werner Herzog)

      Currently cooking home-made empenadas which I've never tried before, so they might suck or they might be good. We'll see.

      edit: wearing: old navy sweatpant and a grey t-shirt currently covered in flour because I've been making the aforementioned empenadas.

      1. Barb

        I was covered in flour earlier, Fukui. I wanted to bake a fresh loaf of bread for my outside birdies and I can't lift the Costco-sized 25 lb. sack of bread flour. It got quite messy. I just closed the French doors of my dining room and pretended that I didn't leave the room looking like Lindsey Lohan's bedroom.

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          You bake bread for your avian friends in the garden? That might be the coolest thing I've ever heard.

          The empanadas were good, in other news.

          1. Barb

            Yes, I bake bread for the birdies. I also have 100 pounds of popcorn kernels and I make popcorn for them and I keep bird seed on hand. I've found that if I put the seed out the little birds will hang around forever and eat, pleasing the hawk that hunts them. If I give them chunks of bread they take it back to their nest and eat it.

  47. KotBR

    I suppose it's not surprising. I mean, what else is the guy supposed to do when good old-fashioned creeper charm and begging don't work?

  48. Negropolis

    Nadia, when you lie down with dogs…

    Friends don't let friends be Republican…and plan illegal wiretaps of Maxine Waters.

    EDIT: After actually reading the whole thing, I want to make clear that I'm not talking about the possible rape.

    1. glamourdammerung

      EDIT: After actually reading the whole thing, I want to make clear that I'm not talking about the possible rape.

      I am not sure that is not actually a very reasonable point. When you go to someone's house (especially a convicted criminal with a history of acting like a serial rapist/murderer) to plan illegal acts, bad things can happen to you.

  49. flamingpdog

    There's a guy in Colorado now with much better hair than O'Keefe who's looking for a cellroommate.

  50. Tilley

    May I just say for the record how gratified I am, as a bona fide second-wave Feminazi/old hippie crone person, that OHMYGOD the "female" (i.e., subspecies) perspective is at long last getting some respect.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I would tell you how funny this is, except I just dumped real, melted butter on some 97% FF kettle korn and don't want to get the keys buttery. Still . . .

    1. ShaveTheTemps

      I've had to create an Insane Debate account just to thank you for this. I have had this short story rattling around in my head for forty or fifty years now, and I never realized that it was written by Steve Fucking Allen, who I already idolize for multiple reasons.

      Thanks.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Oh, you're very welcome! yeah, I know… Steve Allen! We forget what an incredible mind the man had.
        I've been going up the wall trying to find it (mine was in an old paperback collection that has since Bit The Big One) and this just popped up in an idle search last night. Now you know, and I bet one of the online retailers will be able to float you a copy.

  51. AbandonHope

    I think the best revenge on Rapey McMugshot here would be to gaslight him… just fuck with his mind, subtly, to such an extent that he's so paranoid, agoraphobic and confused he can't leave his dildo-boat. Forget death. Death is way too good for such a pathetic little maggot. What he needs is his sanity broken, to be turned into a shambling, addled, borderline-schizophrenic shell of a human. Of course, simple psychological fuckery might be insufficient, so perhaps some heavy metal poisoning — a bit of mercury, a little cadmium here and there slipped into his food by sympathetic liberal wait staff — would do nicely. Just let it build up, nice and easy, over a period of time.

    This is all purely hypothetical, of course. Complete and utter fiction. Ideation and all that.

    1. Barb

      I've never before mentioned anyone's comments that I "follow." I like the way that you think and I am going to follow you until you take out a restraining order that will stick. I like the way that you think and I would like to see you post more often, please.

      If you have a Twitter account you should "follow" Wonkette. Get in here and mix it up with the rest of us, please.

      1. AbandonHope

        You have no idea how honored that makes me feel. I had to tell my wife and everything!

      2. banana_bread

        It's true! He was all like, "OMG BARB FOLLOWED ME!" even though I was clearly on the phone at the time.

        1. Barb

          Banana_Bread is your lady? That is so sweet. Jeffer is my husband and he like to pop in and hang around with us. Welcome to you both!

    2. Blueb4sunrise

      … a shambling, addled, borderline-schizophrenic shell of a human.

      That's the diagnosis.

    1. Barb

      Tramped, did you see the "don't re-nig 2012" racist Obama bumper stickers? I am not going to glorify any of the websites that show them. It may or may not be for real and it may just be a Photoshop hoax. I hope I never see that bumper sticker for real.

      1. trampndirtdown

        I'm surprised I haven't seen it in my town yet. I will have to post a picture of the insane persons truck I go by everyday to work, more bumper stickers than paint.

  52. Barb

    OT: Rick Santorum Guarantees Victory In GOP Primary If He Wins Illinois.
    "This is a primary, and turnout is everything. You do your job, you do your job, then this is the pledge," Santorum said. "If we're able to come out of Illinois with a huge or surprise win, I guarantee you, I guarantee you that we will win this nomination."
    ——————————
    The mind boggles.

    1. Jeffrey Grant, DVM

      And if I win the lottery, I'll buy a solid gold toilet.

      I've been robocalled by Santorum twice. I might vote for him for the lulz, but I doubt enough people will to make him win.

  53. barto

    "build a lovely strawman for his fellows to pinata about"

    now that there is genius – ever consider a career in "writing"?

  54. horsedreamer_1

    As much as Media Matters — &, to a point, Huffington Post — are a good for the left, the opportunism of Brock (after coming out) & Arianna (after being exposed as a beard), & now, Naffe (after being violated by fake Dr. Gonzo in very orifice), I am left to wonder why they have not killed the culture/sex wars for good. Is sexual trauma just that good a recruitment tool?

  55. Fukui-sanYesOta

    We're on an editrix pass right now, I think?

    I would not be sad if every GOP candidate died screaming in a fiery vehicular crash. Preferably with burning plastic covering them to prolong the agony.

  56. gurukalehuru

    I do feel a bit of sympathy for young master O'Keefe. He is obviously a case of arrested development, a child in mind and spirit, who has neither matured sexually nor rejected the teabagger worldview of his parents.
    I think we should find out who they are and shame the fuck out of them for foisting this pathetic little snotwad on the rest of the human race.

  57. not that Dewey

    Has anyone mentioned the torture/execution device from Kafka's In the Penal Colony, in which the text of the guilty party's crime is engraved into his skin while he rotates on a spit? It lasts about 12 hours, and the condemned is often said to experience an "epiphany" during the process. It may do James some good. Plus, the text of his crimes would be so elaborate and convoluted that we'd be sure to fill his entire skin, maybe with 6pt type?

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Considering his base of support, I do hope that the inscription will be in ALL CAPS, with lots of misspellings.

      1. not that Dewey

        The original indictment will have been selectively edited, so we'll need to go back a second time with the "in-context" version.

    2. C_R_Eature

      No, you're the first! Thank you for reminding us of this Most Excellent (and appropriate) story.

      That beats my idea of a backwards "ASSHOLE" tattoo on his forehead.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Which, of course, is reminiscent of the character in Snow Crash with the court-ordered forehead tattoo reading "POOR IMPULSE CONTROL."

        1. C_R_Eature

          Yes. I think society would be a far safer place if that was made mandatory, as part of community service. Please work up a position paper.

          1. not that Dewey

            Propose it in the form of a tax credit.

            Please enter the amount from Line 14, Form 8752, The Neal Stephenson Truth in Self-Labelling Act of 2012. If you do not have such a tattoo, enter 0

          2. C_R_Eature

            Good idea! You must add, though:

            If you are a Tea Partier or reading this document for them, please make your Mark here: ( X )

          3. not that Dewey

            FEMA Reeducation Camp Campaign

            Check here if you, or your spouse if filing jointly, want $3 to go to this fund. Checking a box below will not change your tax or refund.

          4. C_R_Eature

            Failure to file by the deadline will incur severe Civil and Criminal penalties, up to and including fines, garnishment of wages, hangup calls at 3 A.M. suspicious cars parked across the street, black Helicopters. Fluoridation, Abduction, Anal Probes, Microchip insertion and forced Spanish Language classes.

  58. oldedinvn

    Way off topic or sumthin.
    I wadn’t not drunck enough earlier.
    What does a person do when an old frien that is Jewish starts backing the farthest right wing Rs?

  59. Chet Kincaid

    Enjoy your Editrix-approved torture-porn blog! I come to the Worthly Woket Comments for laughs and insights, not horrorcore, so catch y'all on the next post.

  60. Doktor StrangeZoom

    How much Keefe is in this movie anyway?

    MILES O'Keefe!

    (The line that this masterpiece eclipses, is, of course, "I'd shoot Donald Regan to prove my love for Lisa Foster")

  61. anniegetyerfun

    It's possible that this has been said already, but the worst thing that could probably happen to this kid is giving him a minimum wage job and making him stay with it for at least a month.

  62. comrad_darkness

    For all the ladies out there (and the cuter of the men). When out at a bar drink only beer directly from a bottle opened in your presence and do not let go of it until it is gone.

    Date rape drugs work.

  63. Biff

    I would wish for young Master James a situation similar to that of Terri Schiavo, except he should be fully conscious, able to watch fox news 24/7 from his hospital bed, yet unable to perform in front of a camera or microphone. Bonus points, Bill Frist can diagnose him sane from video tapes of his head exploding as he realizes his fate, every day.

  64. glamourdammerung

    "Hey, I could always drug someone and rape them" has never come up as a plan for things to do on the weekend. And I have been pretty bored sometimes.

    Seriously, this criminal scumbag is treated like some kind of hero among the conservatives? That says a lot about their mental health and general morality.

  65. C_R_Eature

    Hey, it involves doing Extreme Violence to O'keefe and we're under Dispensation, so it's All Good!

  66. Tundra Grifter

    Terry correctly picked up where I was trying to go with this.

    Drugging people is terrible behavior. It's a crime and should be prosecuted. The jerks should get what they deserve.

    My apologies if I Crossed The Line. I'm perfectly willing to do that, of course. But never by mistake. And that was absolutely not my intent this time.

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