TO THE PAIN  5:00 pm March 17, 2012

James O’Keefe Might Possibly Have a Problem With Women

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

GuiltyThe fine people at Mediaite have an excellent ‘splainer braiding together the threads of onetime James O’Keefe comrade Nadia Naffe, her harassment complaint against him, the “night in the barn,” her upcoming tell-all, and other assorted completely unhilarious doings. They are better men than your editrix, who can barely read Naffe’s original harassment complaint without a long pull of Pepto and a Silkwood shower.

In very brief sum, Naffe (who had previously sued the RNC for a racially charged hostile work environment, because duh) was working with O’Keefe to attempt to wiretap Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters; she went to New Jersey to meet with him; and after drinking some beer found she couldn’t really use her legs? She wanted to go home, O’Keefe wouldn’t take her to the train station (and at this point she couldn’t walk), and when she finally threatened to call the police, he came with some total creepazoid who stood silently in the shadows, until eventually she awoke in Penn Station.

Later, gentlemanly O’Keefe started harassing her through friends and intermediaries, which provided the basis for her charges.

Conservative legal blogger “Patterico” explains that a judge not finding probable cause for harassment charges is prima facie evidence that there was no harassment. The judge in question, however, specifically says the opposite; that he is merely unable to determine that O’Keefe was under his jurisdiction in Westwood, New Jersey, at the time the alleged harassment occurred (despite the fact that he was ordered to remain there by another court). He suggests instead she retain an excellent lawyer for a civil suit. Patterico:

The court repeatedly said that he could not find anything in her certification that sounded like harassment, and she confirmed that she had not been threatened or touched[.]

The judge himself says, repeatedly, that harassment can consist of good old fashioned words, but maybe Patterico is not a very good lawyer? Plus also too, if Naffe was drugged, that’s not harassment. It’s assault, and possibly attempted murder. But Patterico would rather build a lovely strawman for his fellows to pinata about, and so is focusing instead on whether O’Keefe tried to rape her — if he did, she hasn’t yet said so, but has implied some shenanigans via Twitter. (Those shenanigans may have been just the drugging and the holding her captive, which is sort of an ongoing theme of Young Master O’Keefe’s. You do remember that stupid boat caper, the original plan for which O’Keefe’s other penitent accomplice swears called for the boat to sail so the reporter would be trapped and unable to leave … or even “unlawfully imprisoned,” if you wanna get all legal about it.)

Andrew Breitbart, via Tweet, sympathized with Naffe, who says she had called him for help while she was trapped in the barn: “There is no ‘rape plot’, you slanderous, libelous wannabe Media Matters smear junkie.”

Others throughout the blogosphere are outraged at Naffe’s suggestion that she was roofied; they suggest she was just plain old drunk; your editrix has been dosed a time or three herself, and while at the time there is confusion and you don’t really realize what’s happened, once it’s over you know exactly what did. Drinking a beer (or even five!) does not usually result in loss of muscle function and an inability to move. It is very, very different (and easily distinguishable) from the effects of alcohol (even a lot of it!) — but it does take a few hours once one’s head has cleared to realize that what happened wasn’t just your typical Tuesday morning Mel Gibson Breakfast.

Your editrix hereby lifts all injunctions in this and only this post against ideating upon the painful death of James O’Keefe, as long as it contains no actual or credible threats. Go for it dudes. Have fuckin’ at it. [NadiaNaffe, via Mediaite]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 502 comments }

Barb March 17, 2012 at 5:04 pm

What's the difference between necrophilia and roofie induced date rape?

Just the body temperature…

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Ah, memories. The old joke whose punchline is: "Sorry, fella, we don't serve necros here."

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Why do I NOT KNOW THIS JOKE? I demand the joke! Demand it!

OK, I asks nicely. And if that ain't nice enough, I begs.

Arken March 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I don't know the joke either, but I'll try to make one up…

A horny corpse shambles into a brothel and steps up to the Madam. "Sssssssseeeeeeeeeexxxxx," it slurs.

The madam replies, "Sorry, fella, we don't serve necros here."

Not great, but it's the best I could do.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:26 pm

That can't be it. Even the cat didn't laugh.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 10:52 pm

A guy with a corpse slung over his shoulder walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve necros here."

(Google is our friend!)

Tilley March 17, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Hi dollink. How's everything?

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Oy, gevalt, oy vey is mir! I get queasy when confronted with surgical details, and I've been queased ever since I got here. On the PLUS side, she's still eating like a horse (and still as scrawny as a rail). Lost enough weight for three lady dress sizes. I'm cooking Good Healthy Food by the cartload. It's been several months since the surgery, but she still has spells of extreme exhaustion. And I might have to murder a few surgeons before I leave this country, but don't tell anyone. The fucker who did some of the reconstructive surgery actually had the gall to postpone it till Xmas week because he was going fly-fishing. I'll give him something to fish out of his fly if I ever get my hands on him, youbetcha.

Also, too, scars. Dear sweet lady, I did not realize surgeons left so many and they had to be so big. More scans in July with a possibility of more surgery at year-end, but I just don't know if I can stay here that long. I'm going insane with homesickness and exhaustion. Still, it's in a good cause, and I dare say our relationship is healthier than it's ever been, even if the participants therein are sicker.

She's improving by the day. Nothing like good food and loving care. Thanks ever so much for asking. Fond hugs and heartfelt hopes that you are doing well and work is not too taxing.

Nostrildamus March 18, 2012 at 1:20 am

The was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!"

nounverb911 March 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Why does O'Keefe remind me of the "Preppy Killer" from the 80's?

hilbillyheroine March 17, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Look at him. He reminds me of a freak who never got a girl (or a guy) in his entire life. A young Norman Bates. Let us all be glad he didn't take her home to meet "mom".

stncmchnc March 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Probably still a virgin, not that there's anything wrong that. Okay yes in his case there is something seriously wrong.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Sweet Lawdy Jebus! He does, kinda, don't he?

That nose, however, is ALL Karl Malden. Or "Ol' Potato-Nose," as he's known in our fambly.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Because he's a vile little sociopath, and it shows. Actually, not so much "preppy" as "wannabe preppy."

ibwilliamsi March 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Not sure, because at least the "Preppy Killer" wasn't as ugly as my dog's ass.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I hope your dog bites you on your ass for comparing his ass to something as disgusting as O'Keefe.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Upfisted for thinking of teh poor insulted pupper.

MaxUdargo March 17, 2012 at 11:48 pm

If O'Keefe had been hired instead of Bob Denver to play Gilligan in Gilligan's Island it would have changed the dynamics of the show completely. Just something to think about when you're drunk.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:33 am

Now I'm gonna have to get all drunky to get that picture outa my head. Good thing there's bottle shops every two blocks here.

flamingpdog March 19, 2012 at 1:35 am

I thought you were in Australia, not Wyoming. Oh, my bad, in Wyoming there's a bottle shop every block. Hic!

Geminisunmars March 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I thought "why is Wonkette doing a story on Tim McVeigh?" when I first brought it up.

Hera Sent Me March 17, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Let's play O'Keefe away.

Far, far away.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Into a cornfield, said the boy with the purple eyes.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm

I bet Barb would be happy to cut off his dick* and toss it into a corn field.

*providing (1) he actually has one, and (2) she could find it.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Our Barb will do her best, if it means whipping out a magnifying glass, tweezers, and a very, very tiny little serrated knife.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Fuck. I'm sorry I've joked before that O'Keefe was a rapist based on the boat plot, now that it turns out he actually is one. Hm, someone could use a rusty pair of garden shears cutting off his balls right now.

Giveusabob March 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Paging Rose McGowan circa 1995, paging Rose McGowan …

Terry March 17, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Yeah, he's gone from being a lying amoral asshole, to being a lying amoral goddamn rapist. O'Keefe needs to go to jail soon and stay there for a long, long time.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Oh, generous, most generous of 'Bots! You assume he *has* any. In my (admittedly limited) experience, the men who desire to rape and injure women sexually are suffering from severe loss/malfunction of, or anxiety about malfunction of, their malfunctioning equipment.

It takes a strong and self-assured man to accept women as equals.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 11:53 pm

It doesn't seem all that hard to accept women as equals; in fact, it comes naturally. What the fuck is wrong with men who see women as nothing but objects? I just don't get it. Presumably these cretins all had mothers (I kind of doubt anyone raised by gay male couples end up as raging misogynists) – did they even love them and see their moms as human beings?

HistoriCat March 17, 2012 at 11:58 pm

They're insecure little shits (even if they are 6'6" and 250 lbs). As such they need to feel superior to someone and it's a very easy distinction to make – like me and not like me.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:37 am

What can I say, your Mom raised you right. My elder brother is a right asshole on the whole "women's equality" thing, and absolutely HATES Teh Gheyz, which must drive him insane of nights, since three of his three siblings are gayer than the larks. OTOH, he *was* raised by our not-so-dear and thankfully departed mother which, after living with her for 18 years, it would be a miracle if any of her sons ever wanted to be within a mile of Teh Wimminz.

If I have a little respect, love, and kindness for Teh Wimminfolks, I have my father to thank for it. Hell, he put up with her for 60 years.

DemmeFatale March 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Geez,, Frothy.
Sounds like a traumatic childhood!
Your Dad sounds like a stand-up guy. What a hero!

dubyatf March 21, 2012 at 4:32 am

And a very insightful man to accept women as what we really are-your superiors. SHA-ZAY-AM!
C'mon, it had to be said. . .

FROTHY March 21, 2012 at 4:44 am

Dood/ine, I know better than to argue with the nice Lady-People. Anybody who can walk around with somebody else growing inside of them for like up to a year and then spend another 24/48/72 hours getting something the size of a watermelon through an aperture the size of a dime, I ain't got nuthin' to argue about with 'em.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Jeezus, Soros, it's the 21st century. Whatever happened to using a rusty chainsaw?

Spurning Beer March 17, 2012 at 10:37 pm

That's ALLEGED rapist, ALLEGED balls, and ALLEGED garden shears, Soros.

We don't have a dispensation on the libel rule, do we? And the hypothetical skull-fucking of O'Keefe is still discouraged, right?

Still, I'm going to ideate the hell out of Jimbo strung upside-down and used for Taser target practice until he Romneys.

Tilley March 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm

May I volunteer?

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Well I think Nadia Naffe should have dibs; but if she passes, go ahead.

comrad_darkness March 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

But if you cut off his balls where do you use the cattle prod? Allegedly. Just floating that out there.

hilbillyheroine March 17, 2012 at 5:08 pm

But, did she scream or fight till she was dead? No? Jamie O'Girly ought to be good, then.

nounverb911 March 17, 2012 at 5:08 pm

O'Keefe seems more the Lindsey Graham type.

chicken_thief March 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm

My thoughts per-zactly. WTF is Jamie doing with a girl?! Maybe the roofie was intended for "the man in the shadows" but Nadia sucked down the wrong drink?

trampndirtdown March 17, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Brietfart didn't hire him for his skilz.

Tilley March 17, 2012 at 11:26 pm

It's the weak chin and mole-like countenance that makes you say that.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:38 am

It's that mouth. He looks like he's sucked a BOATload of dick.

vulpes82 March 18, 2012 at 2:25 am

Ham biscuits!

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 5:08 pm

"Your editrix hereby lifts all injunctions in this and only this post against ideating upon the painful death of James O’Keefe…"

DISPENSATIONS! WE HAZ 'EM!

And I'm ideatin' as hard as I can!

gullywompr March 17, 2012 at 5:27 pm

We must be cruel only to be kind.

Guppy March 17, 2012 at 6:05 pm

And now I have comment performance anxieties…

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 8:19 pm

It's no fun when mom says we can do it. Let's make truly thoughtful and reasoned comments about it instead.

: /

(Now there's where I'm gonna get performance anxiety.)

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Yeah, me too. Sad but true. After a week or two of enforced not-evil-thinking, I'm hard put to come up with something of the evil-thinking variety.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Don't worry. I got this.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:44 pm

That's my CREature.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Don't worry, relax. It's like operating a rusty chainsaw. Once you learn how to, you never really forget.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Oh, yeah, I remember now! Fuck that fucking fucketty little fuckwit sideways with a rusty chainsaw! Pre-dipped in essence of bhoot jolokia! No lube for that dood.

finallyhappy March 17, 2012 at 5:10 pm

women- it is always our fault. I read the Handmaid's Tale and now many of us are asking Margaret Atwood why she said it was fiction.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I forget where she wrote/said it, but Atwood once asked her class to write down what they were most afraid of. Pretty uniformly, the women expressed fear that men would kill them, and the men, that women would mock them.

Instructive, innit?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I certainly hope she mocked any man who said that.

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 11:04 pm

She was afraid he'd kill her if she did.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:47 pm

At the time she was teaching in Canada, and I believe it was right around the same time some Canadian engineering student went nuts because "girlz" were allowed in his classes, so he pulled out a gun and shot a bunch of 'em.

It's pretty sad when half the human population has good reason to fear being murdered by the other half.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Not just half, since we're apparently still living in a country where a man can stalk and murder a teenager and not even be charged with any crime, on the defense that "that teen was black and therefore scary, so it was self-defense".

And no, I'm not kidding: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/17/opinion/blow-th

Tilley March 17, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Women are afraid that men will kill them when/because they mock them.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Pretty much. Very instructive.

Boojum_Reborn March 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm

It is always your fault. If you weren't all sluts and whores, roofies would be chemically inactive and have no effect. Roofies only work on sluts and whores, because of science.

extreme_left March 17, 2012 at 9:53 pm

thing is you know you want it, i mean you don't even have a schlong and trust me there is nothing better, one can write one's name in the sand and makes for easy reference in who is the better person, but what am i telling you this for, you already know, as seen in Womankind's annexation of schlongs in Machiavelian pursuit of the proxy-schlong.

Lynne March 18, 2012 at 12:03 pm

But, but…why would we need to own one when there are so many available to borrow?

Boojum_Reborn March 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Speaking of which, I have one that needs to be taken for a spin, if you get my drift (and I think you do).

Tilley March 17, 2012 at 11:27 pm

"now"?

comrad_darkness March 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I never thought it was fiction, I thought it was Saudi Arabia.

slowhansolo March 17, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Nah, killing's too quick.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 9:29 pm

We could wish a thousand horrible deaths of itchy scrotum upon him. Death by scratching your balls off due to some revolting cootie you got from an infected cooter. Sounds so … fitting for Mr. O'Keefe.

Boojum_Reborn March 17, 2012 at 9:47 pm

No, no, I think killing is about right. Slow, hickory smoked, 150 degree dehydration killing, with ants and nettles, but still killing.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

What an unfortunate last name.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm

That is bad.

There was a guy in a local paper's police beat section years ago who got jammed up for fighting. Name was "Phuc Hu Do".

Boojum_Reborn March 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm

There is a lawyer in Georgia named Soo Im.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Not nearly as good, but there's a Boise attorney whose last name is "Jurries." And a mediator / counselor whose last name is "Wellman" (though I think she helps, women, too)

Tilley March 17, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Reminds me of a gynecologist who used to practice here in town, Dr. Diddle. If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Oh gawd, kill me now! Too fucking … oh, geez, didn't the guy ever have the urge to change his name?

And the orthopedic surgeon who wanted to put a steel plate in my foot was one Andrew Carver. Got hisself arrested decades later in Hawai'i for doing weird shit. Man, I'm glad I ran out of his office while I could.

SorosBot March 18, 2012 at 12:06 am

I used to work for a company that did administrative work for trade associations, and one time while working on a database for the ADA (American Dental Association) I saw one of the members was a Dr. Toothaker.

flamingpdog March 18, 2012 at 12:41 am

In undergraduate school, I had a biology professor named Mitchell Byrd. He was an ornithologist. And the law school had a professor named Swindler.

dinkybossetti March 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

I used to go to an ob/gyn named Dr. Beaver. But it gets even better than that because his first name was Harry, and on top of that, his middle initial was C. People always think I'm making this up, but it is 100% true.

gullywompr March 17, 2012 at 5:13 pm

You know, with all this stuff being reported by our editrix, I'm starting to feel some empathy towards women.

chicken_thief March 17, 2012 at 9:00 pm

So you'dl warm up the transvaginal probe before inserting, should inserting be necessary?

Nostrildamus March 18, 2012 at 1:24 am

Durn it, yer right! I'll go unlock the cage.

swordfis March 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm

A few questions:

Why does O'Keefe's face always look like a mug shot? Has he been practicing in the mirror?

Does he look like a rapist because he is one? Or did the fact that he always looked like a rapist turn him into the bitter, woman-hating skeeve that he is?

Look at the proportion between his tiny pervert mouth and abnormally long and wide neck. Is this evidence of chromosomal damage? Or did someone Photoshop him? Or is he naturally Photoshopped?

Veritas78 March 17, 2012 at 5:36 pm

If a judge would actually put him in jail where he belongs, that mouth would not be so tiny.

sharethegrief March 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

He has the same neck as Syrian hitman Assad. But if you put a blonde wig on him he could pass for Ann Coulter.

Terry March 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm

You know, but for some family money, Jimmy boy would be just another inbred looking halfwit pumping gas and trying to catch a look down women's blouses as he squeegees the windshields.

soojank March 17, 2012 at 7:37 pm

wait, you mean that isn't a mug shot?

I honestly thought that it was until I read this comment.

Fare la Volpe March 18, 2012 at 9:59 am

It is a mugshot. It's from when he was caught hacking the phone lines of a Louisiana Senator.

jodyleek March 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Does Jimmy O'Quiefe give anyone else a Lee Harvey Oswald sort of vibe?

Geminisunmars March 18, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I said this somewhere else, too, also, but I thought this was a piece about Tim McVeigh when I first brought Wonkette up.

DemmeFatale March 17, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Every time I see him, I want to smack the smug off his squirrely little ferret face!
(And i'm not a violent person.)

Loaded_Pants March 17, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I think his main problem is that he hasn't been smacked in the face by reality yet.

Boojum_Reborn March 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm

He has that "narcissistic personality disorder" stalky sociopathic thing down cold.

boobookitteh March 17, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I wonder how easy it is to hold an aspirin between your knees after you've been roofie'd.

Fred_Wertham_Jr March 17, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Prison-rape isn't funny. Prison-rape jokes are inappropriate. That picture is making me think bad things.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Jokes involving a wood chipper and O'Keefe's nutsack may, on the other hand, be funny.

starfanglednut March 18, 2012 at 11:06 am

For best results, you'd have to freeze his sack before feeding it into the chipper.

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 5:19 pm

James O'Keefe Non-Credible Un-Actual Death Ideation Thread

1. Fellation By Sea Lamprey.

Any other suggestions… ?

Barb March 17, 2012 at 5:25 pm

2. The gift of the G.E. four-slice shower toaster?
3. Asking him, "Can I buy you your last drink?"

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm

4. Rosie O'Donnell Show marathon, with Clockwork Orange headgear.

gullywompr March 17, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Real horror show!

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

http://animal.discovery.com/fish/river-monsters/c

The Amazon's Most Feared Fish: The Candiru is a terrifying fish, even when stacked up against its fellow river monsters of the Amazon. But this parasitic freshwater catfish does not instill fear by way of its monstrous size. On the contrary, it's small, eel-like and so translucent that it can be nearly impossible to spot in the water, which makes it even more terrifying. Some claim this fish is the most feared in the entire Amazon region, and the fear stems from the fact that it has a knack for finding open orifices and working its way inside. Once inside another organism, the Candiru feeds on its host's blood, becoming increasingly swollen. The Candiru is the star of an urban legend — which turns out to be true — of a man who was urinating in the Amazon River when a 6-inch Candiru swam up his urine stream into his penis. The fish remained there for days, until a surgeon was able to remove it.

The Most Horrific Candiru: Perhaps the most horrifying Candiru species of all is the Candiru asu. This small catfish is a voracious parasite. It uses its circular mouth and sharp teeth to bite flesh and then enter organisms, leaving behind a wound that looks uncannily like a bullet hole. The Candiru asu proceeds to feed on the organs, literally eating its victim from inside. Human corpses have been discovered in the Amazon filled with more than 100 of these river monsters. Scientists and coroners have determined that the victims may have even been alive and simply incapacitated when the Candiru asu struck.

And I'd like to see James O'Keefe be unable to find a surgeon until it's too late.

Veritas78 March 17, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Okay, that's a good one.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I tip my virtual hat at you Soros, for finding an incredibly grotesque and pain-ridden fate for this one. This will make the choice of mine all the harder, but so be it. It's so worth it.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Today, we are all Amazonian Peen-Fish

bflrtsplk March 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

No. That's too horrible even for … Wait this is James O'Keefe we're discussing.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Actually, what *I* would like is for him to find such a surgeon, who would then be required by the laws of the locality to perform a forced ultrasound and give him a 20-minute lecture on the procedure about to be performed.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but can't a candiru asu cause death in less time?

banana_bread March 18, 2012 at 12:22 am

Frothy, I'm more than a little in love with this comment. And I'm pretty sure it's not just the sangria making me say that.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:50 am

Thank you, darling! (Hugs teh banana_bread gently not to bruise teh bananas or teh bread)

heathenette March 18, 2012 at 4:14 am

And make him wait 24 (or is it 72 now?) hours till you actually get the surgeon to do the “procedure”.
BtW this is an incredibly horrible umm “thing”, and equal to the degree I’ve been hoping for as justice for O’Keefe for his many infractions of the law and humanity. Thank you.

Fare la Volpe March 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Thank God I'm wearing a cup today.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Recognition of what a scum he is, followed by a complete renunciation of his "career" and an expose of the ideological hooligans he supported, after which the hyenas he used to love rip him limb from limb as Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow try, unsuccessfully, to come to his aid?

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I like this one even better than the Amazon fish one.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 6:51 pm

On board the City of Glasgow. Enroute to New York City, in the North Atlantic, in the fog, in 1942. In the Twilight Zone.

Over and over. Forever.

HistoriCat March 18, 2012 at 12:07 am

Rod Serling approves of this.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:11 am

It's hard for me to pick a favorite episode, but this one's way up there.

gullywompr March 17, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Give him a roofie and fuck him.

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 8:24 pm

The punishment should fit the crime, after all.

Tilley March 18, 2012 at 12:59 am

You go first!

BaldarTFlagass March 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Completely ignore him?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Now, that's just Cruel.

Fare la Volpe March 18, 2012 at 10:05 am

I'm in favor of a good old fashioned Amish shunning. No one is allowed to speak to him, look at him, or even acknowledge that he exists. His name shall be expunged from every record, his credit cards permanently terminated, every hint of a social media presence permanently blocked. He will not be allowed to enter businesses, own a home, or accept aid from any charity. Worst of all, he won't even be able to purchase the weapon that would allow him to end it all.

He will die of neglect within a fortnight. And the world will be better for it.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Why not go medieval? Breaking on the wheel is a particularly inventive method.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Medieval, you say? How about a bit of the old Pear of Anguish?

Fukui-sanYesOta March 17, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Or back to antiquity with the Brazen Bull?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Nice! I think it's time for an Iron Maiden!

stncmchnc March 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Cardinal Fang! Fetch the comfy chair!

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Fucked to Death by the Flesh Gordon Rapist Robots.

Terry March 17, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Testicular elephantiasis.

DemmeFatale March 17, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Limbaugh and O'Keefe in Thunderdome.
"Two men enter, no one leaves!"

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 8:34 pm

"Blunderdome"

And…neither of them are Men.

Dashboard Buddha March 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Two men enter?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Roofie. Followed up with Habanero and LSD Enema.

Repeat as necessary.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Suffocated by Republican elephant poop.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Oh, my. It would seem there are some thirty individuals with ideas.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 10:44 pm

An enema with bhut jolokia (at 2 million Scoville units, the highest known to humanity at this time).

Of course, we'd have to figure out which end he shits from first.

yyyaz March 18, 2012 at 1:00 am

Smothered by a face-sit from Lamebaugh.

Tilley March 18, 2012 at 11:12 am

Now that's terrifying.

SexySmurf March 17, 2012 at 5:20 pm

When did Wonkette turn into the Lifetime network? Next week, I'm expecting a post about Tori Spelling's pap smear that went horribly, horribly wrong.

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm

When did Wonkette turn into the Lifetime network?

About the same time the Rethuglicans turned into the He-Man Women Hater's Club.

Guppy March 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

So… 1964 or so?

DerrickWildcat March 17, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 5:40 pm

When did Wonkette turn into the Lifetime network?
About the same time the Reeps turned into the anti female party (more so)…

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Welp, at the ascension of Ms. Schoenkopf, a lot you-all were saying it was about time to put the 'ette back in Wonkette. I'm OK with it.

It's a damn sight better than dealing with that ol' Gloomy Gus, whathisname, Eeyore Layne or whatever.

Dashboard Buddha March 17, 2012 at 9:37 pm

a post about Tori Spelling's pap smear that went horribly, horribly wrong.

Around these parts, we just call that Tuesday.

AlaskaGrrl March 17, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Not death. No, no, that might be an actual kindness to the boy. Gelding, I believe, a more fitting and equally long term solution to Master O'Keefe's problem with women. Or rather, the solution to women's problem wih O'Keefe.

Terry March 17, 2012 at 7:32 pm

A capon, not a gelding.

Boojum_Reborn March 17, 2012 at 9:55 pm

You assume he would notice.

FROTHY March 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Eh, the Chinese figured it out ten thousand years ago. The Death of A Thousand Cuts for the miserable piece of shit, after all he's put so many people through.

Wan SUI!

Redhead March 17, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Not saying that *I* want to, mind you, but look at his face – I mean, if someone hit him upside the head with a 2×4 once or twenty times, well, he's just asking for it, looking like that.

Blueb4sunrise March 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Is he still living in his mommies basement?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

I believe so, but I wouldn't call that Living.

Terry March 17, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Daddy writes his bail checks, too.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 18, 2012 at 1:01 am

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Fare la Volpe March 18, 2012 at 10:13 am

Court-ordered.

Tundra Grifter March 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Personally, a much more interesting weekend post would be more about "… your editrix has been dosed a time or three herself, and while at the time there is confusion and you don’t really realize what’s happened, once it’s over you know exactly what did."

Stictly as a cautionary tale for the young ladies out there, of course.

Terry March 18, 2012 at 8:03 am

Agreed. I'm actually concerned about that revelation. I'm turning into a pearl clutching maiden auntie in my old age.

Tundra Grifter March 18, 2012 at 11:37 am

Terry:

Thank you. The tone of my Comment certainly could be improved on. This is serious stuff and people need to be very, very careful out there. Yet not be paranoid.

I just read a story about men in the Castro (SF) being drugged and robbed by strangers after they slipped drugs into their drinks.

There's nothing funny about such crimes.

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 5:33 pm

then-CNN correspondent Abbie Boudreau (now with ABC News)…reported, in September 2010, that, based on documents and eyewitness accounts, James O’Keefe had planned to lure her onto a boat filled with sex toys and hidden cameras. The plan called for the boat to set sail with O’Keefe and Boudreau aboard, so that the reporter would be unable to escape, at which point O’Keefe would try to “seduce” her. The plan called for the “prank” to end with Boudreau in tears, begging to be let off of the boat.
I know I'd be in tears begging to get away from James O'Keefe well before the ship set sail…

BarackMyWorld March 17, 2012 at 5:49 pm
mrblifil March 17, 2012 at 6:17 pm

More likely O'Keefe and his partner in crime would have ended up with multiple violations pertaining to several orifices. And maybe a cock slap or two with the 14-inch black dong for good measure.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 6:54 pm

It was a boatfull of Dildos, and O'Keefe. But I repeat myself.

neiltheblaze March 18, 2012 at 7:54 am

It was a boatload of O'Keefe's is what you're saying?

Terry March 18, 2012 at 8:04 am

You know, O'Keefe = massive black dildo might just deserve the Santorum treatment. Or perhaps O'Keefe = beaten to death with a dildo.

chicken_thief March 17, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I don't have a clue who Abbie Boudreau is, but if that plan had actually been hatched, I'd bet the family fortune that she would have kicked his ass all over the boat, beating him like the bitch he is until he decided on his own to swim to shore. Doesn't he own a fucking mirror?!!! Who does he think he is going to intimidate?!

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Beaten to Death with a Dildo. Awesome! I wish I thought of that!

JohnnyQuick March 17, 2012 at 9:47 pm

"The plan called for the “prank” to end with Boudreau in tears, begging to be let off of the boat."

Guessing O'Keefe thought Ralph Fiennes' character was the hero of Schindler's List, which he found to be a raucous frat comedy.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm

In an email to the "Mediaite" * reporter, O'Queefe sez, "This is a blatant smear, But it’ll take a bullet to stop me. My price is my life."

I dunno. I think that a complete lack of financial support and attention would stop him far better.

* I just hate that title. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard, a sound that I have actually heard, you damn kids.

gullywompr March 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I once decided to scrape my fingernails on the blackboard just to see what all the damned fuss was about. I still don't get it.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:29 pm

You must have inner ears of steel, GW. I have a congenital hearing loss high in the nornal hearing range, but when I tried it once, I ended up looking like Rush Limpballs imitating Michael Keaton.

Geminisunmars March 18, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Was that Michael J Keaton?

flamingpdog March 19, 2012 at 1:47 am

In a word, yes.

OK, four words, er, eight, oh fuckit.

fitley March 18, 2012 at 12:41 am

I think his parents should beat him more. More often. And with malice.

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I certainly do not wish death upon Mr. O'Keefe, however much the world would be improved by his absence. But I hope that when he does die, he becomes one of those ghosts like the invisible ones in The Sixth Sense who have no idea they're dead. Then he could wander the streets of major cities shouting increasingly frantically "I'm shocking! Look at me! At me!! I wear pimp costumes! Stop walking, damn you! Pay attention to meeeeee! …."

DemmeFatale March 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Just imagine this delicious scenario tailored to St. Sarah instead of Jimmy-boy.

AlterNewt March 17, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Somehow I think that you'd still be able to hear Sarah. She's just that good.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 11:04 pm

I see dumb people. Everywhere.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:37 pm

DemmeFatale's comment make me think of a delightful way to punish both O'Keefe and Palin without killing either of them.

sati_demise March 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm

No one would hang out with James if he did not entrap & abduct them.

obviously

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

James O’Keefe sent the following additional comment:
No, informing you about the existence of public court records — that speak to possible motive — was not my only comment to you. For the record, I break a huge story about dead people getting ballots in Vermont. You ignore this and two days later you bring up this issue which was dismissed months ago. You journalists cleary (sic) want my scalp by running lies and fabrications. This is a blatant smear, But it’ll take a bullet to stop me. My price is my life.
Note: repeating the above idiotic rambling of James O'Keefe =/= an actual or credible threat. Just a fond wish…

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 8:47 pm

What a Cunt.

chicken_thief March 17, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Yes, James. Your work is sooooo important. So destructive to the librul cause. Death would be the only way to keep you from your craft.

Gimme a fucking break.

But to address the point directly – dead people received ballots. So?

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 3:04 am

My grandfather got a summons to appear for jury duty after he was dead and when he didn't respond to it, the county sent a sheriff to pick him up. Shit happens. You'd think someone with a face like that would have figured it out by now.

not that Dewey March 17, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Sure, James, it's a real shame that the media is ignoring the evidence from Vermont. This evidence that shows that you committed voter registration fraud in an attempt to prove that it was possible to commit voter registration fraud. Well, "intent follows the bullet", as Jack McCoy would say. It hardly matters why you committed voter registration fraud. As to why the media is ignoring it, well, it doesn't fit with the right-wing narrative that ACORN!!1! , so therefore it's not newsworthy as voter fraud. You, James, helped to create the environment that allows this to be ignored.

Here in NM, we have a mini-O'Keefe, the husband of a Heather Wilson campaign staffer, who committed voter fraud by registering his dog to vote. This is after the TeaParty Governor and AG spent millions of dollars investigating what they claimed was widespread voter fraud among illegal immigrants. They promised that they would uncover 64,000 cases of illegal immigrants registered as voters. And what did they find with this fiscally-conservative investigation? They found two improper registrations — and one was a typo. Neither of the two had ever actually voted. Republicans prove once again that they are serious about vote fraud; serious about being fraudulent, that is.

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 3:07 am

Wow, that reply is way too intelligent to be addressed to James. And if he did, by chance, understand, he'd ignore it because it doesn't fit his narrative. It fits mine, though. So thanks.

not that Dewey March 18, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I had something all prepared, something Totally Libelous about Skullfudgery, but then I thought WWCD? (What Would Chichikovovich Do?)

Granted, it's a pale imitation of what he would have written. I'm only human.

JustPixelz March 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm

"… a huge story … "

Um … no. The story is that James O'Keefe demonstrated that some kind of voter fraud is possible in Vermont, but not that it actually has occurred.

Meanwhile, his conduct with this young woman sounds like a felony. His prison name will be "Suck me bitch".

Veritas78 March 17, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Given his martyr complex suggested in the Mediaite story (But it’ll take a bullet to stop me. My price is my life.) we haven't heard the last of him.

gullywompr March 17, 2012 at 5:54 pm

How much does Kevlar cost these days?

horsedreamer_1 March 18, 2012 at 3:33 am

To borrow from early '00s rap, Jimmy is saying, "I might leave in a body bag, but never in handcuffs".

weej_bain March 17, 2012 at 5:52 pm

The good roofie = O'Keefe + parapet wall + 3 (or more) stories

rambone March 17, 2012 at 5:53 pm

your editrix has been dosed [with roofies] a time or three herself

I bet they were taxpayer funded too. Slut! (I keed! I keed!)

Lynne March 17, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Hey, some of my best friends are sluts.

chicken_thief March 17, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Sluts are people, too, my friend. And Mitt knows a couple of people who own sluts.

Lynne March 17, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Oh, chicken-thief, I wish I could give you a dozen thumbs up for that response.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:27 am

I gave him/her one for ya.

Antispandex March 17, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Look, some people like being drugged. Some people like being scared too, or we wouldn't have roller coasters….and let's face it, being held captive is sort of in the eye of the beholder…shit, I got nothing here. Let's just rip his balls off, and then shoot him. See? I know how to take advantage when given the go ahead.

BarackMyWorld March 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Does Peggy Noonan know about Mr. O'Keefe's parade of antics?

Because the aggregate of his career and the encouragement he gets from rightwing media kind of destroys her whole 'liberals treat women worse than conservatives do' argument.

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I think Peggy will be just fine with all that. After all, the lad has never, to my knowledge, used unduly coarse language.

Fare la Volpe March 18, 2012 at 10:12 am

Or spoken with Mexicans.

GemlikeFlame March 18, 2012 at 9:39 pm

As repugnant as little Jimmy is (and he is), he's plainly neither smart enough or creative enough to come up with this stuff on his own. Who's pulling his strings? Enough lightning bolts to go around, but I want to make sure that we get all of the people responsible.

SpeedoFart March 17, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Crap.

I'm trying to work "skullfuck" into a witty almost-but-not-quite death threat against O'Keefe, but I got nothin'.

Little help?

mrblifil March 17, 2012 at 6:14 pm

How about this? "I certainly would not want my aging Grandmother stumbling across my open browser page and finding the word "skullfuck" among the Wonkette comments."

Too soon?

Boojum_Reborn March 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm

I think skullfucking O'Keefe is clearly NOT a death threat. There is nothing behind his eyes to harm.

JustPixelz March 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm

How about "skullfuck" will be his prison name? (I like giving O'Keefe prison names.)

gurukalehuru March 18, 2012 at 4:11 am

Hows about maybe a 2 ton crate of specially designated skull fucking skulls from Skulls 'r' Us should drop on his head, or maybe be tied to his ankle as he is dropped from a garbage scow into the Hudson, or maybe somebody could get a hold of a skull and put some glue (strong stuff) into the eye socket and send it to him as a birthday gift. Of course, that last one might not be fatal, just kind of funny.

DarwinianDemon March 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Now would Ron Paul consider this here an attempt at "honest rape" or just the regular slutty kind?

hilbillyheroine March 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Perhaps now that the Breitbart is wormfood, Jamie can team up with Rush??

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:44 pm

I gather that Rush already has more than enough rentboys.

trampndirtdown March 17, 2012 at 11:38 pm
HistoriCat March 18, 2012 at 12:15 am

Perfect.

mrblifil March 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Oh my, there could be serious consequences for these kinds of activities!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

A boycott by O'Keefe's seventeen remaining supporters?

bumfug March 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

You know that picture of Rick Santorum that's made up of thousands of tiny pictures of gay guys? O'Keefe looks like that except with pictures of limp-dick losers. He should never, for the rest of his life, get to fuck anything but the rotting corpse of Breitbart.

Man0nTheStreet March 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Win! Somebody get that Man/Womyn/Snark-Bot another green beer!

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Rebecca! A Violence-Injunction Free Post! And what a richly deserving target, that duplicitous Ferret-Faced kept boy ratfucker! Thank you Thank you Thank you.

Well, as Soros has Rudely jumped in with my immediate idea (the horrific Candiru parasitic catfish) I may need some time to come up with something more Brilliant and Truly Disturbing. Invertebrate parasitology will probably be featured.

Off the top of my head though, a fitting death (with which I'm not truly satisfied ) is 凌遲; ( língchí) roughly translated as Death by a Thousand Cuts. An appalling execution method used in China until 1900 or so for those who committed really appalling crimes. With O'Keefe I think it's only just a matter of time.

I feel that the After-Death punishment needs attention, also. I think this evil O'Keefe abomination should have accumulated enough bad karma to become a 餓鬼 (èguǐ,) or ཡི་དྭགས་, ( yi dwag), the Hungry Ghost in Chinese and Tibetan Buddhist religion. Especially the Tibetan version. Spending Eternity as a being "…teardrop or paisley-shaped with bloated stomachs and necks too thin to pass food such that attempting to eat is also incredibly painful. Some are described as having "mouths the size of a needle's eye and a stomach the size of a mountain" Seems appropriate.

I think it's a good start.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm

The one thing he does not get would be death by snoo-snoo (roughly translated as Death by a Thousand Cunts)

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Ah, but in My version, it would be The Death by a Thousand Vagina Dentata

Loaded_Pants March 17, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Nom nom nom.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:50 pm

X 1000

redarmyzombie March 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Can we mail him bullet ants? Please, I want to use bullet ants!

As for the afterlife, I believe there's another variant of the hungry ghost, who's punishment lies in that they can only consume excrement. Fitting, I think.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Bullet Ants! That would do. Mark the box "Secret Obama Kenyan Birth video".

There are variants of the Buddhist "Hungry Ghost". The Excrement-Eating Ghost" the Vomiting Starving Ghosts and the Carrion-Eating Starving Ghosts.. You may have your pick.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Sort of puts the "Butt-Biting Bug" video into cultural context, I suppose.

(Who needs drugs when we have Japan?)

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:00 pm

"I got bitten and it felt awesome!"

You know, I'm pretty Weird, but every time I watch one of these Japanese videos I realize just how large the Weirdness Continuum really is.

EDIT: This would be just unbearable on certain Drugs.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:41 am

Enough already. You're reminding me of my delightful childhood.

Visit the Haw Par Villa sometime, CRE. Do NOT take children wiv you.

Dashboard Buddha March 17, 2012 at 9:26 pm

I understand that castration with a cheese grater can be quite unpleasant.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Yes, I'll bet it is!

You'll have to go to a Specialty shop or order from the Chef's Catalog to get one sufficiently tiny, though.

Barrelhse March 17, 2012 at 9:39 pm

He could be a Niu Bi- wait, he already is.

(Niu bi = cow's twat)

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Nowhere else would I have learned this. Thank you.

Barrelhse March 17, 2012 at 10:39 pm
C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:45 pm

"motorbike" = 'fun for lame cunts'. That is just magnificent. thank you!

I've bookmarked this and it will no doubt be the cause of many hours of entertainment.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:47 am

Xiexie ni, ah. My rude slang is very the outdated.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:34 am

HEY!! I said that!

Well, ok, not the Hungry Ghost part, but still.

Man0nTheStreet March 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

A richly-deserved, long-overdue federal prison term for the Landrieu break-in will help ReichFart Jr. get away from his problem with women… until he's forced to become one, but the prison shrink will help him/her adjust…

Barb March 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

The worst fate we could dream up for this guy would be for him to marry Sarah Palin, assuring the rest of his life a living hell.

Guppy March 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm

But Sarah's a breeder.

JustPixelz March 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm

That would sure make Todd and Shailey Tripp happy.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:48 pm

See my Star Trek suggestion above for an even longer term hell for the two of them.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:17 pm

"Harcourt Fenton O'Keefe!!"

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:48 am

Heh. I love that ep.

bcarter3 March 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I've always thought O’Keefe looked like the love child of Timothy McVeigh and Lee Harvey Oswald.

stncmchnc March 17, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Top drawer, top….drawer.

DonnyKerabotsos March 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

This guy equates being sneaky with being smart.

He's been phenomenally lucky to this point and has dodged legal consequences so far (I know he's on probation, which is meh), but the day may come when one of the women he tries to get shifty with will have a brother or father or boy/girlfriend with other ideas.

Let him tell them that it'll take a bullet to stop him.

Rotundo_ March 17, 2012 at 6:51 pm

The only luck he has had is rich parents and sponsors that have hired good legal representation to keep the little shit out of the big house. Some day he will cross a line where that won't get him out of the shit he gets into. He seems to like pressing the envelope, so it should be fairly soon.

JoeDombrowski21 March 17, 2012 at 7:22 pm

O’Keefe was arrested in 2010 for attempting to tamper with phones in the New Orleans office of Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu. Three years of probation were a condition of his sentence. Since then, every trip the activist takes outside of New Jersey (where he resides with his parents) has had to be cleared by a judge.

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 3:12 am

Thanks for clearing that up. I've been wondering what New Jersey had to do with this.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:49 am

Oh, I'm sure they'll be happy to oblige.

pinkocommi March 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm

It is sad when all the stereotypes about Republitard men being either creepy misogynists or self-hating, closeted gays hooked on meth-and-gay-prostitute-sex turn out to be true.

valthemus March 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I pray to thee, Akyooterrat, God of Squirrels, and beseech thee, direct thy squirrelly brethren to savage the blatherskite James O’Keefe with their sharp claws and pierce his scrotum with their rabid teeth when next the putz visits thy park. Glory to the God of Squirrels, his name be praised… Amen.

(It's like that demon on Buffy the Vampire said, "Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain!")

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Sic Squirrel Girl on him!

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Wow, I Googled "Akyooterrat, God of Squirrels", and your comment came up first on the hit list!

In my defense, most ground squirrels worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 11:27 pm

That was D'Hoffryn, the lord of the vengeance demons. And yes, I know that from memory, including spelling (fuck I'm a geek).

Rotundo_ March 17, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Jimmy has lead a charmed existence as the prankster prince of the conservative movement. When they no longer have need of him the fall is going to be swift and hard. I wouldn't wish it on most people, but this little gem richly deserves whatever he gets himself irretreivably stuck in, up to and including a concrete filled drum at the bottom of a deep wet place.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:50 am

Breitbart's gone now, which means that the family fortune has gone to his spouse and sprog, and somehow I don't think Mrs. will be quite so anxious to shell out teh bux for this prik.

Numbat_Dundee March 17, 2012 at 7:01 pm

I see Republicans
I watch them rape
Date rape with drugs
Catch it on tape
And I think to myself
What a horrible bunch
Yes I think to myself, as I bring up my lunch

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:51 am

Very nice, professor! I can hear it in that gravelly Armstrong voice.

OC_Surf_Serf March 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm

As Grandma would say: that O'Keefe might possibly need a slap to the face…

Guppy March 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

With a tire iron.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:52 am

My mother would offer him "two tight slaps."

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Burn Breitbart's bloated corpse and force O'Keefe to undergo Sati.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 7:16 pm

As I said the other day, the Monty Burns coffin seems ideally designed for O'Keefe.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I missed that one! Satisfyingly Appropriate.

not that Dewey March 17, 2012 at 7:07 pm

An ex-Young Republican has a problem with women? Really?

Next, you'll be telling me that Libertarians have no real, sound economic policy.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 7:29 pm

It is a puzzler, to be sure.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:53 am

Did you know that Liberta … oh, never mind.

JoeDombrowski21 March 17, 2012 at 7:07 pm

He is now roomates with Marcus Epstein and Pat Buchanan.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Untreated Elephantiasis.

Limeylizzie March 17, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Ewwwwww. Just ewwww.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Truly Disturbing.

flamingpdog March 18, 2012 at 1:02 am

I saw a pic of elephantiasis like 50 years ago. I refuse to look at yours.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 1:06 am

A wise choice. At least I didn't "Rickroll" (dickroll?) you.

It's bad, but not the worst I found. *shudder*

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:53 am

Can't we just put a Human Bot Fly larva in his brain, or what passes therefor?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 7:29 pm

How can we have gotten this far in the thread without anyone suggesting a creative use for an ultrasound wand?

(Mind you, the dreaded candiru would be even better…)

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Do they have a Penis Wand for Elephants?

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:54 am

I thought I did already. (sniff! wipes tear)

redarmyzombie March 17, 2012 at 7:30 pm

So, this means I won't get in trouble for postulating that James O'Keefe should be skullfucked with a rusted chainsaw and/or machinegunned, and/or countless other horrible painful ways in which he could meet his demise?

Well, all-RIGHTY then! *cracks knuckles*

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm
C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Didn't Rick Perry have a ranch at Shrub-Niggurath-Head?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Yes, pretty big spread out on the Plateau of Leng.

I just about fell out of my chair on this one!

Still laughing. You hereby are awarded the Most High Threadwinning Gold Star.

Isyaignert March 17, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Have fuckin' at it you say? O'Keefe needs to go to prison where they'll teach him some manners. He's got a real purdy mouth. Not. Nothing about him is purdy. He's fugly inside and out.

Sharkey March 17, 2012 at 8:27 pm

He's got a wet spot. Keep looking, it's there, right next to the granola…

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Forced to live, for the rest of his Natural Life, with Hippies.

Dashboard Buddha March 17, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Man…why you hatin' on the hippies?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I know… I was just thinking how excruciatingly horrible it would be for O'Keefe and i didn't take into account what a severe bummer he'd be to those poor Hippies.

Scratch that one.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 2:59 am

WTF have hippies ever done to you to deserve this?

Signed, aging hippie

grayshorter March 17, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I've been rufied, my friends have been rufied – this sounds like rufies.

Basically, you're immobile. You might be able to kick with one leg or jerk an arm. It's pure torture. You're awake, but you're helpless.

Just like James likes 'em.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 8:19 pm

God that sucks. People suck.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Here's some nice furniture. Have at it.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Excellent! I've run out.

Pay you back on Thursday.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 11:42 pm

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. People I care about have been roofied; and upon hearing about it, I definitely wanted to rip the guys who did it balls' off. But then, I realized that was wrong; it's the victims who should get to do the ball-ripping themselves.

DustBowlBlues March 18, 2012 at 12:07 am

Makes me grateful I'm old and not dating or going out.

glamourdammerung March 17, 2012 at 8:22 pm

working with O’Keefe to attempt to wiretap Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters

Why is this scumbag not in Gitmo?

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 3:16 am

Because she's a Democrat.

Terry March 18, 2012 at 8:07 am

Remember he tried to wiretap Landreau's New Orleans offices, too. Got arrested for that, but avoided jail. Again, a female politician who is a Dem.

glamourdammerung March 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I am sorry. I should have phrased is "what is a valid reason this scumbag is not in Gitmo"?

Which is what should have happened the first time he pulled this stunt.

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I find it interesting he only targeted FEMALE Democratic legislators.

glamourdammerung March 18, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Because picking on old women makes him feel like a real man.

Sharkey March 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Why I oughta punch some sucka in the pink place.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:02 am

BITE 'em! Then they'll be one GIANT pink place, and you can punch to your heart's content.

rocktonsam March 17, 2012 at 8:28 pm

betcha James doesn't know any women

cheetojeebus March 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

yeah, a 'date' mostly includes drool and muscle spasms. So, not much chance for getting to 'know' anyone.

smokefilledroommate March 18, 2012 at 4:18 am

But everyone knows his mom..

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Certainly not in the Biblical sense.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:03 am

GodDAMNit!! Would you QUIT CHANNELING me?

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:02 am

Certainly not in the biblical sense.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Cry Havoc! and loose the Wonkeratti of War!

Is it all that you imagined it would be Rebecca?

trampndirtdown March 17, 2012 at 11:56 pm

This band of brothers (and sisters) we.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:08 am

And gentlefolk in Webland now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here

trampndirtdown March 18, 2012 at 12:30 am

I always imagined our boy Pistol would be down with the ruffies.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:37 am

Yeah, no surprises there.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:03 am

It's not often one meets a scientist with a fondness for Shakespeare.

Sharkey March 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm

The lack of ear piercings is very disturbing.

chicken_thief March 17, 2012 at 9:24 pm

He thought about it, but mom said no.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:04 am

Give it time. His first prison term should fix that.

Blueb4sunrise March 17, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Hell, just ain't fun when yer encouraged to do it.

edit:
This must be a distraction from the hilarity at the Miz-zou Koo Koo Cous Cous.
[via an Atriot...I fergit who ]
http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-pn-mass-h

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Oh, I am finding this fun, but I've got a lot of Rage to work through.

Re: The Minnesota Caucus. God, those prople are such Idiots! I wouldn't hire any one of them to cut the grass.

cheetojeebus March 17, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Dracunculiasis. Lots and lots of Dracunculiasis parasites.

AlterNewt March 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Not one who usually goes in for the vindictive 'ideating' stuff.

But you have to wonder what the effect would be of strapping him into a chair facing a giant video screen with the image of himself (from this post) while the following plays at, oh, 103 db on an endless loop:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr9x0lTTUi8

flamingpdog March 18, 2012 at 1:11 am

Back in the Bush years, I used to fantasize about tying up Dubya to a chair in the Oval Office and putting CCR's Fortunate Son on an endless loop at oh, maybe 120 db, until he broke down and started babbling incoherently.

Or at least more incoherently than usual.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:18 am

That was one of my all-time favourites during the VN "war that was not a war."

Guppy March 17, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Any chance he has a French passport tucked away somewhere?

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:19 am

Up his arse, maybe.

ManchuCandidate March 17, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Jeebus. Roofies? Alcohol. Creepy guy in the back "watching."

Now we know who the captain of the SS Date Rape is. Fuck, Jimmy why couldn't you have gone and just worn a stupid fucking idiotic hat like that Mystery asshole?

FYI, Captain SS Date Rape, in prison they don't need roofies.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:19 am

No, and they like it when you struggle.

Barrelhse March 17, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I'll hold him while you punch.

raresteaksandoilpainting March 17, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Oh, no, now Mr. Dildo-partyboat is a sex creep? What has the world come to? It is almost as if embracing a philosophy that essentially devalues all other lives except your own and those of fetuses and corporations has some kind of corrosive effect on the very soul.

Dashboard Buddha March 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm

How about a singing Candiru-gram?

If a fish makes you sick
When it bites through your dick
…that's Candiru!

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Would that I could give you more than one Thumb!

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:20 am

Oh, god, in an oily, nay, oleaginous Dean Martin croon!

spareme March 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

This guy will continue tripping over his on dick until someone comes up with something substantial on him. Lets face is – he is a goon, or kook, whatever. I feel sorry for him just a little bit. Not that much though. Ok – he iust lucky. But I think he is the biggest horses ass out there. If he were my kiddo, I'de have him locked up.

Dashboard Buddha March 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

As they say..some people just need killin'.

DustBowlBlues March 17, 2012 at 11:59 pm

It's still a valid defense in rural Oklahoma. And I'm not being all that facetious, either. 10 or 12 years ago an old man near my humble ranch was charged and tried for killing two trespassers whom he'd already told to stop hunting on his property. This time, their trespassing was the straw that broke the dam on the old rancher's vast reservoir of patience. I don't know if he fired a warning shot before he unloaded his shotgun and dropped 'em dead. Both of them men, I assume while yelling some version of "Run away. Run away," were shot in the back and killed.

He was tried in our county. After two hung juries, the prosecutor gave up. My husband, new to these parts, expressed some surprise at the verdict while drinking coffee at the local lumberyard. After a couple of chuckles, one of the guys told my husband, "Neither one of them old boys has ever been any good, even when they was kids." In short, they'd needed killin' fer a long time.

HistoriCat March 18, 2012 at 7:54 am

At least he was tried. Near Houston there was a case where a man was shot in the back on someone else's property and the DA didn't even charge the shooter.

Negropolis March 19, 2012 at 1:40 am

I remember that. Some guy's neighbor shot someone stealing some shit from the his own property. I even think he called the police and told them he was going to shoot the guy for stealing his neighbor's shit, if I remember this correctly. Crazy, crazy, shit.

I tell you, something similar happened here in Detroit where a man got home as someone was burglarizing his home. The burgler was clearly unarmed, dropped the property he stole, and proceeded to run away why the homeowner chased him a good two blocks before the perp stopped, turned around, put his hands up and begged for his life. The homeowner said something like "not today" and just cold shot the man to death blocks away from his property. Needless to say that the homeowner is in prison and all over some property that wasn't even stolen. I think like anyone, I sympathize with someone that's worked to get something and then has it stolen from them, but killing people over taking your property is never the answer. Never.

Blueb4sunrise March 17, 2012 at 9:53 pm

related:
The other guy in S.D. simply jacked-off………

Tea Party Leader Arrested For Kidnapping and Rape http://www.politicususa.com/tea-party-kidnapping-

ManchuCandidate March 17, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Sweet Zombie Jeebus we are in a real life Blazing Saddles…

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.

Barrelhse March 17, 2012 at 11:01 pm

I posted this below, b4 I saw yours- sorry (and you get a p!)

Blueb4sunrise March 17, 2012 at 11:41 pm

No prob. The more links to the story of that son of a bitch the better.

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 3:46 am

The accused has his very own self-aggrandizing website. Don't miss it! It includes this provocative statement [his punctuation]: "Currently Founder and President of a non profit helping youth (National Council of Americans, Inc. on a part-time basis)" I guess he's too busy for full-time since he's out raping. And that NCOA website reads as rather pedophiley to me.
http://www.michaelkobulnickyusa.com/
http://www.ncoam.org/

I was wondering if this got any play in the SD mainstream media and, if so, did it mention his tea party affiliation. Indeed it did. Not only was the Union-Tribune article headlined, "Sex assault suspect a tea party leader," but it also contained details missing from the Politicus article.

"Karen Grube, a tea party member, said Friday night she worked with Kobulnicky on several events and was shocked to learn of his arrest. Her initial reaction was 'this can’t be the same guy,' she said. The tea party is supporting Grube as a candidate for the San Diego Republican Central Committee, according to its website."

The UT article said Kobulnicky, a self-identified Christian father of five, had been arrested for "a domestic-violence case in 2008." http://www.utsandiego.com/news/2012/mar/16/sex-as

Biff March 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

No wonder those guys don't like VAWA, it gets in the way of their recreational pursuits.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Home Detention.

With Cousin Kevin, Uncle Ernie and the Deliverance Hillbillies.

MadBrahms March 17, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Ho ho, but she was once arrested for domestic abuse! She would lie about rape charges, because that is what women do, to control men, who are so oppressed. James must be such a hit with the MRA crowd.

When someone finds a criminal charge that finally sticks, I hope they force him to wear that pimp suit in prison. Should go over really well.

snoopyfan2010 March 17, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I see O'Keefe likes his coffee blah.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:09 pm

"Mr. O'Keefe. I would like to introduce you to your new Clinical Psychologist. Meet Dr. Hannibal Lechter."

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:22 am

With the emphasis on LECH.

Yech.

ttommyunger March 17, 2012 at 10:10 pm

After careful consideration and reading the foregoing 200+ comments, I can only surmise that nothing would be more horrific than waking up every morning being this pencil-necked pussyfart, sorry.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Necrotizing fasciitis. Of the Dick.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:21 pm
C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:24 pm
Barrelhse March 17, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Why, I'd like to kick O'Keefe right in the cunt.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Shouldn't be too hard. He Is one.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm
Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 10:43 pm

You monster!

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Confess!

stncmchnc March 17, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Damn you Biggles, I just posted this farther up the thread.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Oops…saw that, Thumbed you up and ran!

EDIT: Props for Cardinal Fang reference!

Barrelhse March 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm
C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm

This is just really a collection of the very worst people our country has to offer.

I'm starting to warm to Gingrich's Moon Colony concept.

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 3:58 am

See my post above with links to this guy's websites. Unbelievable.

mrblifil March 17, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Hmmm… some pretty good death ideation, but I have in mind something more subtle. I would like to travel forward in time to the occasion of his coming out, and record it, then come back to the present (which just passed by the way), and show it to him. Oh alright fine, we'll throw in some Giuliani Time to keep him on his toes.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Rebecca, is there a Prize for the best post?

We would like Whore Diamonds.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Would like her to open the door for you and take you to dinner, too?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:12 pm

I would like that. Yes.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:03 pm
Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 11:17 pm

I have no idea what that man is talking about.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Yeah. What a weirdo.

Barb March 17, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Bitches, get in here and tell us what's on your mind.
What are you drinking?
What are you wearing?

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 11:11 pm

You first, Barb. So far tonight, there has been nothin' to fap to at teh Wonkette.

Barb March 17, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I am wearing a blue polka dot nightshirt and that's all. I am drinking diet beer and listening to the University of New Mexico basketball game.

Steverino247 March 18, 2012 at 12:12 am

Well, I was wearing a pair of sweat pants, but they're down around my ankles after reading this.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Whaaaat is your Name?
Whaaaat is your Quest?

Barb March 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:23 pm

You know I asked Ken nicely before he left us but he just ignored me.

Now we may never know.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Blue – I mean yellooooooooooow…

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:36 pm

"African or European? I don't know that!"

AAAHHHHHHhhhhhhhh………

smokefilledroommate March 17, 2012 at 11:43 pm

black tshirt, slippers
makin' lime chicken soft tacos
drinkin' Stella

Barb March 17, 2012 at 11:49 pm

I made tacos for dinner too.

Steverino247 March 18, 2012 at 12:13 am

Sloppy Joes, French fries, fruit salad. Tell me more about your taco?

Barb March 18, 2012 at 12:31 am

Oh my, how to answer this. My taco is in deep deep hibernation.

smokefilledroommate March 18, 2012 at 1:10 am

Mine's bloody tasty! (interpret however you see fit)

trampndirtdown March 18, 2012 at 12:04 am

Cheap Shiraz
Jeans and a Ponca Powow Tshirt.
Watching NM
Cooking a Cauliflower Yogurt Onion casserole.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 12:32 am

Trampndowndirt, your casserole sounds like heaven.

trampndirtdown March 18, 2012 at 12:35 am
Barb March 18, 2012 at 12:44 am

Thanks for the recipe.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:19 am

Oh, right. That's a question.

*Dark & Stormys (finally warm enough)
*Grilled Monkfish, baked red potato, grilled brussels sprouts
*A Death robe and scythe Woah! How did that happen!?!
*No Socks

Barb March 18, 2012 at 12:33 am

C_R_, grilled brussels sprouts are more yummy to me than chocolate covered chocolate. A little squeeze of lemon juice makes my little cabbages hap, hap, happy.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:40 am

The best, hands down. And most people won't eat them. Ha, more for me!

Barb March 18, 2012 at 12:45 am

I love brussels sprouts, pancetta, garlic, some good reg/parm, olive oil and angel hair pasta.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 18, 2012 at 12:38 am

Baron Herzog red wine (bought because it reminded me of Werner Herzog)

Currently cooking home-made empenadas which I've never tried before, so they might suck or they might be good. We'll see.

edit: wearing: old navy sweatpant and a grey t-shirt currently covered in flour because I've been making the aforementioned empenadas.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 12:51 am

I was covered in flour earlier, Fukui. I wanted to bake a fresh loaf of bread for my outside birdies and I can't lift the Costco-sized 25 lb. sack of bread flour. It got quite messy. I just closed the French doors of my dining room and pretended that I didn't leave the room looking like Lindsey Lohan's bedroom.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 18, 2012 at 4:43 am

You bake bread for your avian friends in the garden? That might be the coolest thing I've ever heard.

The empanadas were good, in other news.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Yes, I bake bread for the birdies. I also have 100 pounds of popcorn kernels and I make popcorn for them and I keep bird seed on hand. I've found that if I put the seed out the little birds will hang around forever and eat, pleasing the hawk that hunts them. If I give them chunks of bread they take it back to their nest and eat it.

KotBR March 17, 2012 at 11:07 pm

I suppose it's not surprising. I mean, what else is the guy supposed to do when good old-fashioned creeper charm and begging don't work?

Negropolis March 17, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Nadia, when you lie down with dogs…

Friends don't let friends be Republican…and plan illegal wiretaps of Maxine Waters.

EDIT: After actually reading the whole thing, I want to make clear that I'm not talking about the possible rape.

HistoriCat March 18, 2012 at 8:06 am

In other words, don't accept a dinner invitation to Hannibal Lecter's house.

glamourdammerung March 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm

EDIT: After actually reading the whole thing, I want to make clear that I'm not talking about the possible rape.

I am not sure that is not actually a very reasonable point. When you go to someone's house (especially a convicted criminal with a history of acting like a serial rapist/murderer) to plan illegal acts, bad things can happen to you.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:10 pm

"Congratulations, Mr. O'Keefe! You've been selected as a contestant for the brand new game show OW MY BALLS"

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 11:16 pm

There's a guy in Colorado now with much better hair than O'Keefe who's looking for a cellroommate.

Tilley March 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm

May I just say for the record how gratified I am, as a bona fide second-wave Feminazi/old hippie crone person, that OHMYGOD the "female" (i.e., subspecies) perspective is at long last getting some respect.

DustBowlBlues March 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm

I would tell you how funny this is, except I just dumped real, melted butter on some 97% FF kettle korn and don't want to get the keys buttery. Still . . .

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 11:21 pm

OT, but James Wolcott over at Vanity Fair has a great ass-essment of Rick Santorum.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:37 pm

OK, I didn't get past the headline, but it's perfect.

Barb March 17, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Great piece, thanks!

Barrelhse March 17, 2012 at 11:29 pm

James is the ideal contestant for "Beat the Reaper!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3zZ_ih0Jpc

smokefilledroommate March 17, 2012 at 11:35 pm

OT (kinda) Meltdown For Publicity! Bracelets on sale now! Get the fuck on Facebook and like a bracelet to support the bracelet to make a difference. Or something.

Barb March 17, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Masturbation bracelets? I wonder what dangles on the charms attached to those bracelets.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Danglers of course!

Masterbracelets. Now that's Funny.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 12:54 am

Stephen Colbert's "wrist strong" bracelets. I have two of them.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 1:00 am

Very worthy. I wear one purple bracelet to support genetic cancer research. And hope.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:46 pm

The Public Hating.
by Steve Allen.

ShaveTheTemps March 18, 2012 at 4:07 am

I've had to create an Insane Debate account just to thank you for this. I have had this short story rattling around in my head for forty or fifty years now, and I never realized that it was written by Steve Fucking Allen, who I already idolize for multiple reasons.

Thanks.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Oh, you're very welcome! yeah, I know… Steve Allen! We forget what an incredible mind the man had.
I've been going up the wall trying to find it (mine was in an old paperback collection that has since Bit The Big One) and this just popped up in an idle search last night. Now you know, and I bet one of the online retailers will be able to float you a copy.

AbandonHope March 18, 2012 at 12:37 am

I think the best revenge on Rapey McMugshot here would be to gaslight him… just fuck with his mind, subtly, to such an extent that he's so paranoid, agoraphobic and confused he can't leave his dildo-boat. Forget death. Death is way too good for such a pathetic little maggot. What he needs is his sanity broken, to be turned into a shambling, addled, borderline-schizophrenic shell of a human. Of course, simple psychological fuckery might be insufficient, so perhaps some heavy metal poisoning — a bit of mercury, a little cadmium here and there slipped into his food by sympathetic liberal wait staff — would do nicely. Just let it build up, nice and easy, over a period of time.

This is all purely hypothetical, of course. Complete and utter fiction. Ideation and all that.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 1:06 am

I've never before mentioned anyone's comments that I "follow." I like the way that you think and I am going to follow you until you take out a restraining order that will stick. I like the way that you think and I would like to see you post more often, please.

If you have a Twitter account you should "follow" Wonkette. Get in here and mix it up with the rest of us, please.

AbandonHope March 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

You have no idea how honored that makes me feel. I had to tell my wife and everything!

banana_bread March 18, 2012 at 2:47 pm

It's true! He was all like, "OMG BARB FOLLOWED ME!" even though I was clearly on the phone at the time.

Barb March 19, 2012 at 1:08 am

Banana_Bread is your lady? That is so sweet. Jeffer is my husband and he like to pop in and hang around with us. Welcome to you both!

Blueb4sunrise March 18, 2012 at 1:33 am

… a shambling, addled, borderline-schizophrenic shell of a human.

That's the diagnosis.

glamourdammerung March 18, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Gaslighting would be particularly ironic since O'Keefe and his masters have made careers out of doing just that.

trampndirtdown March 18, 2012 at 12:55 am
C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 1:10 am

"We're here, we're Queer, we're Irish. Get used to it!"

Cool

Barb March 18, 2012 at 1:14 am

Tramped, did you see the "don't re-nig 2012" racist Obama bumper stickers? I am not going to glorify any of the websites that show them. It may or may not be for real and it may just be a Photoshop hoax. I hope I never see that bumper sticker for real.

trampndirtdown March 18, 2012 at 1:25 am

I'm surprised I haven't seen it in my town yet. I will have to post a picture of the insane persons truck I go by everyday to work, more bumper stickers than paint.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 1:29 am

Held together with Bondo and compressed rust.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 1:38 am

OT: Rick Santorum Guarantees Victory In GOP Primary If He Wins Illinois.
"This is a primary, and turnout is everything. You do your job, you do your job, then this is the pledge," Santorum said. "If we're able to come out of Illinois with a huge or surprise win, I guarantee you, I guarantee you that we will win this nomination."
——————————
The mind boggles.

Jeffrey Grant, DVM March 18, 2012 at 3:01 am

And if I win the lottery, I'll buy a solid gold toilet.

I've been robocalled by Santorum twice. I might vote for him for the lulz, but I doubt enough people will to make him win.

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 4:01 am

And if I get a date with George Clooney … will he be huge or just a surprise?

Terry March 18, 2012 at 8:10 am

If you vote in the GOP primary, write in Hopey just to annoy them.

barto March 18, 2012 at 2:17 am

"build a lovely strawman for his fellows to pinata about"

now that there is genius – ever consider a career in "writing"?

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 3:23 am

Definitely.

horsedreamer_1 March 18, 2012 at 3:38 am

As much as Media Matters — &, to a point, Huffington Post — are a good for the left, the opportunism of Brock (after coming out) & Arianna (after being exposed as a beard), & now, Naffe (after being violated by fake Dr. Gonzo in very orifice), I am left to wonder why they have not killed the culture/sex wars for good. Is sexual trauma just that good a recruitment tool?

Fukui-sanYesOta March 18, 2012 at 4:37 am

We're on an editrix pass right now, I think?

I would not be sad if every GOP candidate died screaming in a fiery vehicular crash. Preferably with burning plastic covering them to prolong the agony.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 18, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Ah. Ze old Warm Leatherette ploy, eh? Very crafty.

gurukalehuru March 18, 2012 at 4:39 am

I do feel a bit of sympathy for young master O'Keefe. He is obviously a case of arrested development, a child in mind and spirit, who has neither matured sexually nor rejected the teabagger worldview of his parents.
I think we should find out who they are and shame the fuck out of them for foisting this pathetic little snotwad on the rest of the human race.

DahBoner March 18, 2012 at 9:31 am

"the night in the barn"

Hey!

I thought sheep couldn't write books???

not that Dewey March 18, 2012 at 10:15 am

Has anyone mentioned the torture/execution device from Kafka's In the Penal Colony, in which the text of the guilty party's crime is engraved into his skin while he rotates on a spit? It lasts about 12 hours, and the condemned is often said to experience an "epiphany" during the process. It may do James some good. Plus, the text of his crimes would be so elaborate and convoluted that we'd be sure to fill his entire skin, maybe with 6pt type?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 18, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Considering his base of support, I do hope that the inscription will be in ALL CAPS, with lots of misspellings.

not that Dewey March 18, 2012 at 2:51 pm

The original indictment will have been selectively edited, so we'll need to go back a second time with the "in-context" version.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm

No, you're the first! Thank you for reminding us of this Most Excellent (and appropriate) story.

That beats my idea of a backwards "ASSHOLE" tattoo on his forehead.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Which, of course, is reminiscent of the character in Snow Crash with the court-ordered forehead tattoo reading "POOR IMPULSE CONTROL."

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Yes. I think society would be a far safer place if that was made mandatory, as part of community service. Please work up a position paper.

not that Dewey March 18, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Propose it in the form of a tax credit.

Please enter the amount from Line 14, Form 8752, The Neal Stephenson Truth in Self-Labelling Act of 2012. If you do not have such a tattoo, enter 0

AlterNewt March 18, 2012 at 10:21 am

Death by snubbing.

oldedinvn March 18, 2012 at 11:30 am

Way off topic or sumthin.
I wadn’t not drunck enough earlier.
What does a person do when an old frien that is Jewish starts backing the farthest right wing Rs?

Chet Kincaid March 18, 2012 at 11:56 am

Enjoy your Editrix-approved torture-porn blog! I come to the Worthly Woket Comments for laughs and insights, not horrorcore, so catch y'all on the next post.

weej_bain March 18, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Speaking of the joyous schadenfreude of the malingering deaths of some of our favorite tightie righties, beloved TP reports that Rush the penultimate douchenozzle Limbaugh is down to just 10 advertisers including the NY Timez. The effing Gray Lady doesn't advertise on teh Wonkette but she's one of the dregs still with adverts on Rush??!!??

Run, don't walk, to poop in the Gray Lady's purse (aka Arthur Brisbane, Public Ed.)

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm

The Times! Those Sluts.

weej_bain March 18, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Intense Debase misdirects Artie's email. It is: public@nytimes.com . Don't forget the "l" even if the Gray Lady is perhaps, shall we say, genuflecting while she flosses.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Good catch and good point. Even though the first spelling is far more appropriate, IMHO.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 18, 2012 at 12:07 pm

How much Keefe is in this movie anyway?

MILES O'Keefe!

(The line that this masterpiece eclipses, is, of course, "I'd shoot Donald Regan to prove my love for Lisa Foster")

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Marvelous. Loved the MST3K treatment of This Island Earth also.

weej_bain March 18, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Dok, can we get General Ripper to put something in O'Keefe's precious bodily fluids?

anniegetyerfun March 18, 2012 at 12:45 pm

It's possible that this has been said already, but the worst thing that could probably happen to this kid is giving him a minimum wage job and making him stay with it for at least a month.

Boojum_Reborn March 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Here is her Bar Directory entry.
http://www.gabar.org/public/directory/MemberSearc

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Oh, "Her"! Duly noted and thanks!

comrad_darkness March 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

For all the ladies out there (and the cuter of the men). When out at a bar drink only beer directly from a bottle opened in your presence and do not let go of it until it is gone.

Date rape drugs work.

Biff March 18, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I would wish for young Master James a situation similar to that of Terri Schiavo, except he should be fully conscious, able to watch fox news 24/7 from his hospital bed, yet unable to perform in front of a camera or microphone. Bonus points, Bill Frist can diagnose him sane from video tapes of his head exploding as he realizes his fate, every day.

glamourdammerung March 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

"Hey, I could always drug someone and rape them" has never come up as a plan for things to do on the weekend. And I have been pretty bored sometimes.

Seriously, this criminal scumbag is treated like some kind of hero among the conservatives? That says a lot about their mental health and general morality.

mimininos March 18, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I have always gotten a very strong Lee Harvey Oswald vibe from this guy

Mr Pre-Press March 19, 2012 at 11:27 am

Keefe is still riled about being Breitbart's rent-boy.

JohnHoffman March 19, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Were those red eyes Photoshopped, or has our manboy O'Queef been into the chronic?

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Iron Maiden? Excellent!! *air guitar*

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Be Excellent to Each Other.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Hey, it involves doing Extreme Violence to O'keefe and we're under Dispensation, so it's All Good!

Arken March 17, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Yeah, well this is what happens when you don't hire good gag writers.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Relax. Enjoy.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Sideways. Don't forget Sideways.

HistoriCat March 17, 2012 at 11:54 pm

July?? But that's months and months – and it's not like we can even take advantage of the situation and obnoxiously crash there when we decide on a whim to visit Australia.

Well, it is for a good cause and it's not like we never hear from you … so I guess we will carry on somehow.

Tilley March 18, 2012 at 12:39 am

Oh Frothy, I can compare my scars with the manliest of scarred men and win the competition, for whatever that's worth, which is nothing. Well, one thing about it, such mortifications of the flesh help one separate one's being from the skin-bag within which one is encompassed, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Take care of yourself and know you've been a tremendous boost to your sister, but ultimately, it's up to her, not you. How fortunate that she has you. I'm fine, love my job, neck feels much better, thanks and OOXXOO.

trampndirtdown March 18, 2012 at 12:27 am

Two local surgeons in my area have a practice. Slaughter and Paine.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:47 am

No!

My other partner's dentist is … wait for it … wait for it … Dr. Pang.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:32 am

I'll probably be back by end-April. I can't stay here that long,there's stuff to take care of at home, too.

I made her up her bandwidth just for youse guys, so don't push it, dood. (Rubs the furry belly)

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:43 am

Fuck. Oh, fuck. That poor kid.

Ugh. Thanks. This is what we fight against. And it's never over, is it.

Fare la Volpe March 18, 2012 at 9:55 am

I remember coming close to vomit after I read that story.

We always joke that Walking While Black is a real thing, but the worst my friends ever encounter is a suspicious police officer or a pull over for driving a nice car.

But this… How can you describe this as anything but a lynching? How?

Chichikovovich March 18, 2012 at 11:36 am

There is so much that is wrong with that heartbreaking and infuriating story that it may seem silly to pick on a tiny thing. But those can be the most revealing, because confabulators construct a story to explain away and spread fog over the big things, but forget to cover the small ones.

The shooter's family say they are not speaking to the press because the police advised them not to. What the hell? Are the police advocates all of a sudden? They should be eager to have people talk to the press, the more easily to let them get caught in lies. If the local police are *discouraging* a suspect from speaking, it's long past time for the Feds to step in.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 18, 2012 at 11:58 am

Don't worry, folks, the Racial Transcendance Brigade at Free Republic have proclaimed that, since the shooter was Latino, this was Officially Not About Race.

(Actually, the interesting thing about Freeper responses is that a significant portion, maybe half, were actually condemning the shooter, even while pointing out that The Blacks in general are, of course, a threat.)

anniegetyerfun March 18, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I have been utterly unable to participate in conversation surrounding that incident because there's so much "but the black kid obviously attacked the white man in the car!" tomfoolery.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:47 am

How succesful ARE they?

Boojum_Reborn March 18, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Dr. Susan Hurt. http://www.pacesplasticsurgery.com/hurt.html

She used to practice with Dr. Barbara Payne.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 12:47 am

Maybe with a name like that he felt he *had* to go to law school.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 12:52 am

OK, now I will have to make that tomorrow (I held back a few Sprouts) instead of that shrimp, rice and hot pepper Caribbean .Thanks!

I have some great x-tra,X-tra virgin Olive Oil that will do nicely.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 1:01 am

I always hold back a little bacon grease in the fridge for the sprouts.
Jeff likes to slip over to the competitor's casino every once in a while and he tends to win. He will come home and tell me that I can have ANYTHING I want and we always go shopping and he gets the snobbiest of cork caged fancy beers and I ALWAYS go for sprouts and some decent watermelon.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 1:03 am

Now that's a good plan. I'd hit the pineapple pretty hard, too.

Biff March 18, 2012 at 1:09 am

I once chose a doctor for his name–Kenneth Lay.

Pragmatist2 March 18, 2012 at 1:11 am

No. It is never over. And that is the essential fact.

starfanglednut March 18, 2012 at 11:02 am

I think, though, that it's important to maintain some tiny little bit of optimism (even though this is wonkette). There is much good in humankind, and it is possible we may eventually grow out of this kind of barbaric behavior.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 1:19 am

Grilled pineapple is awesome.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 1:23 am

Yum.

Barb March 18, 2012 at 1:27 am

Must be nice to be cranking your own estrogen. I guess we won't be seeing you at the abortionplex this month, eh? We're carpooling with Rebecca in 17-ish days. Be there or be GOP-square.

smokefilledroommate March 18, 2012 at 4:33 am

Wow. I'm so outta the loop.

Tundra Grifter March 18, 2012 at 11:40 am

Terry correctly picked up where I was trying to go with this.

Drugging people is terrible behavior. It's a crime and should be prosecuted. The jerks should get what they deserve.

My apologies if I Crossed The Line. I'm perfectly willing to do that, of course. But never by mistake. And that was absolutely not my intent this time.

Chichikovovich March 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm

a significant portion, maybe half, were actually condemning the shooter

Yeah, I found back in the days when I would survey the posts at Free Republic (before I just gave up because it made me too depressed) that there are a lot of people who will not take a shooter's side in a case where shooter looks bad, because it makes gun owners look bad, so a distancing effort takes place. More generally, whenever anything happens that might make easy access to guns, "Stand your ground" rules for self-defence claims, etc. look bad [concealed weapon goes off accidentally in church, killing pastor's daughter, fx.] they will hasten to condemn the malefactor in this one instance, while generally saying "well, if the person had learned how to handle weapons properly, had realized that serious firearm owners treat their guns responsibly like the NRA says,…."

Doktor StrangeZoom March 18, 2012 at 3:47 pm

BINGO!

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Good idea! You must add, though:

If you are a Tea Partier or reading this document for them, please make your Mark here: ( X )

not that Dewey March 18, 2012 at 7:27 pm

FEMA Reeducation Camp Campaign

Check here if you, or your spouse if filing jointly, want $3 to go to this fund. Checking a box below will not change your tax or refund.

C_R_Eature March 18, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Failure to file by the deadline will incur severe Civil and Criminal penalties, up to and including fines, garnishment of wages, hangup calls at 3 A.M. suspicious cars parked across the street, black Helicopters. Fluoridation, Abduction, Anal Probes, Microchip insertion and forced Spanish Language classes.

SoBeach March 19, 2012 at 8:43 am

How about Dr Zipper, who does cosmetic surgery on lady parts?
http://www.zipperurogyn.com/zipper.html

Jus_Wonderin March 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

Not that I have experience, but I don't think Necro's have a gag reflex.

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