SLATE PITCHES  1:05 pm March 17, 2012

Slate Explains: Democrats to Blame for GOP’s War Against Women

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Noble posturingPerhaps you have been concerned lately that maybe the Democrats were not being blamed hard enough for the GOP’s nationwide freakout about ladies, their plumbing, and how sometimes said ladies leave the men who hit them instead of nutting up and trying for once not to burn the goddamn roast. Popular outlet for “contrarian” and plain old “counterintuitive” writers and thinkers Slate is here to help! “Are Democrats in Danger of Looking Too Political on the Violence Against Women Act?” asks the headline. “Yes,” answers the story. Really? Really! Here is the lead paragraph (or “lede graf” in Journalism!) of J. Bryan Lowder’s richly nuanced thinkpiece:

In the “War on Women” that’s been raging these past few months, it’s clear that the Democrats have succeeded in framing the debate in their favor. The GOP—especially in the recent Obama contraception mandate controversy—has been painted as the anti-woman party, and even Republican insiders fear that the misstep could cost them dearly in an election year in which women will represent a significant portion of the voting public.

We shall now unpack this clause by clause: the Democrats have succeeded in their “framing”; the GOP has passively “been painted” as the anti-woman party; and this is an election year in which women will represent “a significant portion of the voting public.” (That last is our favorite; has there not been a “significant” share of women voting since right about 1920?) It’s impossible to tell how much of the voting block women will compose, but it could definitely be upwards of a third, and may even be more than half? (In 2008, 10 million more women voted than men, which is also a “significant portion”!) In other words, dude’s spinning words in sentences of pure shiny gold to make it sound as if he is saying anything, anything at all. Dude is not saying anything at all. Tell us more, J. Bryan Lowder, for we are all ears (and equal parts fallopian tubes and chocolate):

So it’s no surprise that Congressional Republicans were unhappy to learn yesterday that the Democrats, led by the party’s female Senators, have lobbed another lady-themed political bomb their way in the form of pressure to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act. The legislation, which originally passed in 1994, is responsible for funding domestic violence prevention and prosecution programs around the country, and its renewal has traditionally been a popular bipartisan action. This time, however, Republicans on the Judiciary Committee have balked at addendums to the bill that would provide temporary visas for battered illegal immigrants and coverage for same-sex couples.

Oh those Democrats, with their constant bomb-lobbing. But what about these “addendums” that the GOP is balking at? Temporary visas for battered illegal immigrants? That does sound bad! Maybe J. Bryan Lowder could illuminate it for us: that currently, if a woman wants to stay in the country, she must stay silent and endure more violence from her abuser? And this addendum offers a much-need fix to that? No, J. Bryan Lowder does not choose to actually discuss why the Democrats would add this poison pill for the Republicans, only the GOP’s perceived optics. And what about those gays? Domestic violence in gay couples is about the same as in straight couples — Lambda pegs it (heh) at 25 percent. But you can see why doing anything about that would simply be unconscionable, because … well, your editrix can’t see why, but maybe your imagination is better.

At the end of the Times piece, Senator Roy Blunt suggests that the new champions of women may be “in serious danger of overplaying their hand,” and I actually think he has a point. While I certainly praise the support that Democrats have displayed for women’s issues in this election cycle, I’m starting to be turned off by the giddiness with which they’ve taken on the mantle of lady defender. I admit that the issue of political tone is small potatoes compared to the very important programs and services at stake in these debates, but I’m still a little uncomfortable with the unequivocal friend-or-foe rhetoric that has come to dominate this conversation.

New champions” of women, check. “Overplaying their hand,” check. “Giddiness with which they’ve taken on the mantle of lady defender,” fuck yeah. Perhaps J. Bryan Lowder has simply been unaware of the batshit insano Terrifying Things that have been coming out of the emboldened statehouses the past few weeks: the Wisconsin members who want to classify single motherhood as abuse; the same Wisconsin folk who this week told women to remember what they loved about their abusive husbands in the first place; the folks in Arizona who want to make it legal for your employer to fire you if you use birth control you paid for yourself; and, why, ever so many more! Perhaps J. Bryan Lowder should start reading Wonkette!

For the sake of victims of domestic violence, VAWA should be reauthorized as soon as possible, but Democrats need to remember that we all know they’re in the midst of a tough election contest, too. Fight the good fight for women, but please, leave the noble posturing at home.

And there you have it. Why Democrats are to blame for the GOP’s War Against Women. Yeoman’s service, J. Bryan Lowder. Truly, sir, well-played. We understand and will try to be better. Concern troll is concerned.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 249 comments }

MarcelleMarceau March 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Do you know who else used a scorched earth strategy in retreat?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Pele?

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Hephaestus?

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

W on January 20, 2009?

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Scipio?

Biel_ze_Bubba March 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Rod Blagojevich?

weej_bain March 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Custer?

satyricrash March 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

You guessed it: Frank Stallone.

MadBrahms March 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Charlie Sheen?

PuckStopsHere March 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

All those bastards who took the "W" off their keyboards at the White House in Jan., 2001?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Or was that the bastards who made that story up out of whole cloth?

(Haha, of course I know that the distinction is irrelevant! It sure SOUNDS like the sort of thing that we just know the Clintonistas would do, after all, and at this point insisting on mere physical reality is just elitism if one brings it up to Republicans. It's truthy!)

PuckStopsHere March 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Holy crap, Dr. Your debunk is from Slate! Which is okay, they used to be better than this. And you are correct. I know the "Wandalism" (I just now made that word up, by the way, not bad, eh?) never happened. I should have put the "stole the W keys" in quotes.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

The dinosaurs?

donner_froh March 17, 2012 at 2:19 pm

My first wife?

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

OUCH!

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Stalin?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I honestly never thought to look up that character's first name. I love the smell of nerdy-ass trivia in the early afternoon.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

"Smells like…Wankery!"

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Someday this internet's going to end…

fartknocker March 17, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Dr. Strangelove?

doloras March 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Tsar Alexander I. Screw that cheese-eating Corsican surrender-emperor.

redarmyzombie March 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Genghis Khan?

trampndirtdown March 17, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Queen Victoria?

HistoriCat March 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Joe Stalin?

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:11 am

The British in India, not caring in the least that they created the greatest man-made famine ever?

The British in Malaya, not caring that they were condemning the natives to the loss of their fragile (and self-financed) infrastructure?

The Dutch in … oh fuck it. All those murderous, oppressive, colonialist bastards.

Arken March 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm

New Champions of Women… much like the golden age of comics champions, they expect the women to scream when they're in trouble and keep their mouths shut the rest of the time, because when they don't, they get into trouble.

mormos March 17, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Obviously the best way to protect women is with a chastity belt

bagofmice March 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

A veil for downstairs?

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:13 am

Well, since we have to protect them from their own stupidity, I'd say the belt across the buttocks is the best. Preferably studded, to inflict maximum pain.

SkinnyNerd March 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm

This guy makes the Democrats sound like they are going after Republican "pro-stroke" candidates. I mean if the Catholic church says sperm is life, are Republicans pro-stroke or pro-life?

natoslug March 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I agree with the Catholics on this one. Which is why I keep a jar by my computer at all times, so I can keep my little guys safe. I had to switch to the jar when I caught my wife tossing out all my used tissues. All those proto-lives wasted! And they called Hitler a monster.

Swampgas_Man March 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I follow the same practice, but I just use the carpet under my computer desk. It's getting downright squishy around here!

Advn2rgirl March 17, 2012 at 5:12 pm

"I'm telling Mistress!" http://oglaf.com/cumsprite/2/

Loaded_Pants March 17, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I just finished the archive. I sprayed Guinness a few times.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:42 am

THANK YOU!

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm

A new post! Thank you, Rebecca, I was getting tired of vomiting over that Santorum picture.

swordfis March 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

If Santorum weren't doomed already, that photo would sink him. I hate bullying, but it makes even me want to kick sand in his face.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Bullying is clearly Wrong, but I wouldn't have any problem with an accidental Trip and Dump with a full bucket of stinking Chum.

That would be fun. "Oooh! So Sorry!!"

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:46 am

Personally, I hope someone slips a GIANT dose of ex-lax in his coffee.

donner_froh March 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Popular outlet for “contrarian” and plain old counterintuitive idiotic writers and thinkers

Fixed.

Giveusabob March 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Indeed. Do pls blame Democrats for managing, finally, to argue over a current issue with some marginal degree of effectiveness

It happens so seldom, might as well blame everything wrong on this uncommon happenstance.

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Telling the truth = "forcing the issue"

It's so damn rude of those Dems; this is totally gonna blow up in their faces! Otherwise gentle husbands will now start beating their wives (just to spite those rude Dems) and their wives will flock to the Republican side, in sympathy.

Bad move, Dems.

Jukesgrrl March 18, 2012 at 4:25 am

It seems J. Bryan Lowder has shared his insights of and for the wimmins many times in the past. A google of his name brings up many articles on both straight and gay sexuality that are long on hyperbole and opinion and short on actual research. But I'm sure you could say the same of things I post here.

Gleem McShineys March 19, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Ah, good thing you included the False Equivalency there in that last sentence, or else I'd cite you for Failure To Properly Lowder.

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Republicans on the Judiciary Committee have balked at addendums

All his confused but at the same time tendentious bloviations are bad enough, but not knowing the plural of "addendum" is "addenda"? That goes too far.

Just wait until you see the verbal chastening Lady Noonan of Fauntleroy will issue him.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Republicans on the Judiciary Committee prefer the pronunciation "addendumemmzizz".
Please make a note of it.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

In the case of Republiklans, the singular of addenda is addendumb.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 3:06 pm

*Ding*

The judges would have accepted "addenduh" also.

swordfis March 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I believe that the Republican plural of "addendum" is "pudenda."

LionHeartSoyDog March 17, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Addin' dumbs.

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

What a well-written, cogently-argued, and entirely rational article by J. Bryan Lowder this is…

… for me to poop on! [thanks, Triumph)

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

…and then J. Bryan Lowder attacked the Puppet.

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

While I certainly praise the support that Democrats have displayed for women’s issues in this election cycle, I’m starting to be turned off by the giddiness with which they’ve taken on the mantle of lady defender…Fight the good fight for women, but please, leave the noble posturing at home.
Yes, Democrats, delicate matters like the ladies' issues should only be discussed in quiet rooms.
Moran.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

How dare they point out that the Republicans hate women! I guess that's the real misogyny, just like pointing out that racism is racist is the real racism.

Crank_Tango March 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

The thing is republicans never ever ever ever never ever ever posture politically. That's the thing. It's all about principled principles with those fuckers. Posturing, never.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:23 pm

It would be ungentlemanly to suggest that there's anything important about this. Please, can't we think about the tone of the discussion? We don't want to sound like a bunch of shrieking GIRLS after all.

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Does this writer remove spines on the side?

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Only his own.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:48 am

Well, it's not like any of the people discussing this stuff are, you know, LayDeez. I mean, they're not allowed to *attend* or anything, are they?

OrangeLazarus March 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

And Shame on the Democrats for jumping on this Kony2012 bandwagon! Their white guilt is too uncouth for J Bryan Lowder.

johnnyzhivago March 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Actually, the REAL blame for the Republican War on Women is women themselves! If women weren't so damned sensitive about being controlled by Republican men, we could just go back to concentrating on hating blacks, Jews, gays and foreigners.

Texan_Bulldog March 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Apparently women are the new black.

Crank_Tango March 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Well they WERE kinda asking for it, being all slutty and all.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm

One might even say that woman is the nigger of the world, were one inclined.

John Birf Society March 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Someone is angling for a job at Slate.

johnnyzhivago March 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Or the RNC.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

"Trying to protect victims of violence" = "Overplaying their hand"

That this could be an equivalence at all is precisely the problem, and precisely the fault of the GOP's wingtards. ∴ Thesis fail.

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

The Equivalence Center is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Cato Institute.

Beetagger March 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

You know what you tell a woman with two black eyes? Vote! (and unsubscribe to Slate.)

Biff March 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Sounds to me like you've already told her twice…

dadanarchist March 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

We can take comfort in the fact that nobody actually reads Slate.

smashedinhat March 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I just go there 'cuz it's easy to biggify Doonesbury. Swollen red eyes me.

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm

But did they move The Abortion Series™ to the editorial pages? Like all the other cowardly papers?

(Actually, it made it more convenient to read that way; all those episodes in one shot.)

Negropolis March 18, 2012 at 1:28 am

I think the correct term is "embiggen", kind sir.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:50 am

I only look at it for the centerfolds.

Oh, wait. That's not Slate, is it?

dadanarchist March 19, 2012 at 12:57 am

Only if you're into Camille Paglia.

donner_froh March 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I’m still a little uncomfortable with the unequivocal friend-or-foe rhetoric that has come to dominate this conversation. .

J. Bryan Lowder's lack of comfort should be the kiss of death to Democratic support of women's programs.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:51 am

Someone should point out to him that Teh Wimminz are WAY more uncomfortable about all the vaginal probing the Republizards want to perform on them.

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Now, a woman who wrote an article like this would be called a Castrating Bitch.

What is the male equivalent of this term? Is there even a male equivalent of this term?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I like the term "Foolish Bastard" myself.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:51 am

Just doesn't have the vituperation of "Castrating Bitch," tho.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 2:20 pm

It would be called a Rush Limbaugh.

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Asshole. Yeah, it's generic, but it works very well.

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I'm partial to Limp Dick or Microdick, myself…

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

A "journalist and critic in New York," apparently.

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Bloviating, illogical, concern troll?

Swampgas_Man March 17, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Good ol' fashioned "dickhead".

Designer_Rants March 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm
Negropolis March 18, 2012 at 1:29 am

Castrating dick.

fitley March 18, 2012 at 1:37 am

Silly Bogus Concern Twat?

dadanarchist March 20, 2012 at 1:34 am

Tucker Carlson.

jodyleek March 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Hey, J. Bryan Lowder (what does the "J" stand for – jackass?), if you could see my uterus it is flipping you the bird!

neiltheblaze March 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Excellent – another Michael Kinsley knockoff. Just what journalism needs.

Texan_Bulldog March 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Damn, when do women start getting stoned (the 'getting pelted with rocks' version; not the 'smoking of the ganja' version) again?

Also wonder if Rebecca gets paid a bonus every time she uses the word 'editrix'…

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

That comes right after they get to wear the Big Red "A's"

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I have a Facebook friend (little sister of an old real friend) who introduced herself to me several years ago as an editrix. I may just have to see if she ever bothered to copyright the term ….

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I think I remember EB White using the term in re his wife Katherine back in the 40s or 50s.

There is nothing new under the sun.

Crank_Tango March 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

You should see what happens when she gets that X on the triple letter score.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

As long as they don't say "Jehovah" they should be just fine.

SkinnyNerd March 17, 2012 at 4:00 pm

She even stuck a pegging reference in there. I am starting to wonder about her, and I am increasingly distracted by unusual thoughts in these articles.

coolhandnuke March 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

….in an election year in which women will represent a significant portion of the voting public….

Any scribe who aligns such vacuous, porous and banal words, should have his "giddiness" ass report to the mail room to begin a clean Slate.

weej_bain March 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

The math is hard, but moar than 50% usually equals "a significant portion." This is, however, several steps up in abstract thought from distinguishing shit from Shinola, so Lowder appears to have his thinking cap on.

coolhandnuke March 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

And every year is an election year. It's just that some elections are more equal than others.

neiltheblaze March 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

It's all about spin room optics to these chuckleheads.

facehead March 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Of course Democrats are to blame! Now If you'll excuse me I have to go put on a sweater vest and leave the toilet seat up.

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Don't forget to scratch your balls, dude.

OzoneTom March 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Wait, wimmen can vote?

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Don't worry, OT, Rethugs are working on that one.

Crank_Tango March 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Not for long. Voter fraud etc. Need tough new laws, and mandatory mammogram identification scans and also transvaginal digital probing due to voter fraud.

Designer_Rants March 17, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Needz moar transvaginal identification laws.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 5:59 am

I only look at it for the centerfolds.

MissNancyPriss March 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I beg of you, can the Tyson pig be taken off the page? I can't take it anymore.

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

It does aptly illustrate the Rethuglican's stance on wimmenz rights, though.

MissNancyPriss March 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

True, but it's not the pig's fault.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I vote for a crated, pregnant Kortney, but that's just my kink.

donner_froh March 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Needs moar Kourtney zucchini fellatio.

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Funny, I make it point to click on most Wonkette ads (I want my Wonkette to get all those shiny nickels) but I never noticed the pig one until you pointed it out.

Maybe it's true that "sex sells." Pigs just ain't that sexy.

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

When journalism schools of the future established in the Chinese protectorates in North America want to understand the late 20th/early 21st century media villager cult that worships political savvy over all else, this bowl of tripe will be at the top of the reading list.

OC_Surf_Serf March 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

A Möbius strip is not just a naked bald singer…

weej_bain March 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

It is also the roller coaster on which the Repuglican Primary is being run whereby with each lap you get to run on the flip-side of your previous position.

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Good observation!

Möbius Romney: the mathematically simplest example of a non-orientable surface candidate.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I'm sorry, but what is this "Slate"?

Anyone ever hear of it?

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

It's like birdcage liner, but less useful.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Makes sense. Thanks!

The Moar You Know

Swampgas_Man March 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I'm going BROKE lining my bird's cage w/ computer monitors!

Vecchiojohn March 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

No, not for many years now.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Sure–it's that online publication that I can never remember whether it's Salon or not.

Pat_Pending March 18, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I thought it was a credit card.

FakaktaSouth March 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

When did the media become every stupid terrible Mother I know who cares more about what things "look like" than WHAT THEY ARE? Please guys, you report, I'll decide, for real just once, I'm begging you.

Happy St Patricks Day, y'all, luckily my very white Irish ass needs some global warming 80 degree March sun – I'm gonna go get drunk and knocked up at the lake, as per the code of my people – Irish rednecks. (Not really. Old man got fixed, so all our doing it is a sin now! Yeehaw!) Keep being funny cause I'll need something to read.

MissNancyPriss March 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Enjoy Halliburton's gift that keeps on giving – it's pouring rain and 50 here in sunny Cali.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

And it's 70 and bright and sunny here in Philadelphia. In March – but global warming is just a liberal conspiracy!

Crank_Tango March 17, 2012 at 2:10 pm

It's always sunny in philadelphia, natch.

MissNancyPriss March 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I would neve have thunk it when moved to sunny CA from Philadelphia 20 years ago, to escape the slush and the "snow tires" and the wind chill factors. But here we are.

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Feeling your pain in Los Angeles…and it does not help that my dog HATES the rain and will NOT go out in it. When this weather happens I have to monitor the radar screen like a hawk looking for breaks in the showers.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

It's just a little rain; you Californians really have been spoiled for a long time, being able to treat rain as if it's not something perfectly normal that happens regularly.

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Well, it's true that *I'm* spoiled and should get over it, but my attempts to explain that logic to my dog have failed miserably…he's a real Sun Belt canine. (He would die or something if I were back in my hometown Pittsburgh…)

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Low 50s, overcast, occasional showers here in the Pac NW. Which means it could be just about any day Sept-Jul. Which it is.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Do have a great day! Oh, and if you hear any Rednecks yell "Hey everyone, watch this!" run like hell.

Loaded_Pants March 17, 2012 at 9:03 pm

That also comes in handy for the 4th of July.
Scariest 4th I ever experienced was in a trailer park surrounded by drunk rednecks setting off fireworks. I'm surprised they didn't end up burning down their own trailers.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Also too.

Guns. Homemade explosives. Burning piles of furniture. Alcohol. Drugs. Homemade Exploding Skyrockets. Drunk 4WD off – roading. Chopping down and burning outbuildings. Blowing up melons and vegetables. Spraycan Flamethrowers. Fights. Projectile Vomiting. Inadvertent Nudity. Throwing Goats head at each other.Throwing lawn darts at each other. Police. SOLAS high altitude 3-ball flares. USCG Helo over head. Missing people. People found passed out in ditch in the woods. People falling out of windows/off deck/just falling over for no reason.Propane Potato cannon. Head injuries.
Raccoons, bats in the kitchen – no one gives a fuck. Snakes.

Yeah, those were the days.

Texan_Bulldog March 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Your husband got fixed? How DARE he not use every damn sperm he has to create life! Duggar Family fail.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Predicting a high of 78 in Denver today. Don't forget to get that abortion before coming home from the lake!

MissNancyPriss March 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Perfect post global warming abortion weather.

donner_froh March 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Mid 70s, sunny, light wind from the south for the next several days in the Motor City. Just impossibly lovely–Middle of March her is often a slush festival interrupted by ice storms.

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Enjoy the sin!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Pfft. Everyone talks about the weather, but nobody DOES anything about it.

(Charles Dudley Warner, apparently, and not Mark Twain. I've noticed there are lots of quotations websites, but why isn't there a website that's devoted primarily to miquotations? I see there's a book called They Never Said It…)

EDIT: I take it back. The site for the Warner quote appears to be devoted to precisely that purpose. And look! They're talking about Rutherford B Hayes and the Telephone… And it turns out that the fake quote goes back to at least 1939, when it was misattributed to US Grant.

HistoriCat March 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm

And WHO was president in 1939?? That's right … history's greatest monsters are all from the Democrat party!

DCBloom March 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Irish? I would have guessed Jewish, due to your magnificent use of Yiddish in your handle. Actually makes it funnier.

LagunaB March 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

This is a very funny read re: Texas new anti-vagina laws. http://jezebel.com/5893040/smartasses-deluge-pro+

Designer_Rants March 17, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I'm in AL today (isn't that where you are? Thought that was discussed during the primaries/caucuses/whatever last week). Anyway, seemed nice and warm and sunny to me. Just got to the AL coast, gonna enjoy some R&R w/ the fam, try not to get too lost or step into a gator nest or man-eating snake den or any type of quicksand pit. Maybe even try to have some fun. Anything kid-friendly to do down here? We already saw the donkey show and the children got upset.

FROTHY March 18, 2012 at 6:06 am

Happy St. Paddy's, pretty laydee.

Callyson March 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I’m still a little uncomfortable with the unequivocal friend-or-foe rhetoric
Yes, because we should be even handed here–we don't want to be biased or anything. So we should consider the interests of the abusers as well as those of the abused.
JFC…

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Being "even-handed,"of course, means you use the left hook and then the right uppercut when you reprimand your woman — to keep things fair and balanced.

Boojum_Reborn March 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Translation: If Democrats don't STFU, they will deserve to get beaten, just like all the other bitches, whores, and sluts.

AddHomonym March 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Putting your legislative goals into law is for LOSERS, Democrats!

MadBrahms March 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I love the "taken on the mantle" part, as if the Democrats and Republicans are two exclusively male parties fighting over the destiny of those poor, voiceless women. And it pervades the whole damn piece; where the wimmenz at, indeed?

* The Feinstein quote doesn't count. She appears as an Important Democrat rather than an Important Woman, or anything else for that matter.

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 5:36 pm

The fact that she has much bigger balls than just about any Republican also brings her femininity into doubt; as a technical matter.

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I admit that the issue of political tone is small potatoes compared to the very important programs and services at stake in these debates,

Yes. This is true. Yet you chose to spend your entire article condemning the people defending those "important programs and services" for displaying too much energy and enthusiasm while doing so. Because what really matters in government is that people should be as cool and "no-steak-just-sizzle" savvy as you pat yourself on the back for being.

Barb March 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

NEVER again will a man hit me! I will cut his dick off and heave it into the tallest cornfield I can find, seriously.

Giveusabob March 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

What did a corn stalk ever do to deserve that?

Might I recommend a soy field instead? Someone needs to put a smack down on all this "Textured Vegetable Protein" nonsense.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Lightly salt it, poison it, and send it in a gayly-colored package to J. Bryan Lowder instead, Barb. And my heartfelt apologies for any fellow man that ever laid a hand on you. Well, except in a loving, sexytime way.

Barb March 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm

That's sweet, Flaming thanks!

Native_of_SL_UT March 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Can we still hit on you or would that leave us partly in the cornfield too?

deanbooth March 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Isn't that the backstory to Children of the Corn?

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Alright, now I'm pissed off!

Not that you need it, but you have my leave to go all Dolores Claiborne on anyone's ass who touches you. That is All.

Oh, yeah, then cut off his dick, deep chicken-fry, poison, lightly dust with Thyme and Sage and ship USPS Priority to J. Bryan Lowder.

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Sounds like a Twilight Zone episode.

"Send it out to the cornfield!"

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I'm a bit shocked, Barb. Suggesting castration as a suitable response to domestic violence is a bit much, and possibly a violation of our new Wonkette Mom Editrix' Code of Standards.

Besides, it's much less messy to just smother him in his sleep and chuck the body in a nearby river. You don't have to worry about stubborn bloodstains that way.

Designer_Rants March 17, 2012 at 10:21 pm

The cops always get excited enough to actually investigate a missing penis. Yet another River Body? Meh, too much paperwork.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Wait, they want to give visas to abused immigrants? But where are the abusive MRA choads supposed to find submissive victims wives if they can't lure in mail order brides from Asia or eastern Europe and then threaten them with deportation to force them to stay married?

MadBrahms March 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

And who will protect all of the battered immigrant men, mmm? Where will they go to escape abusive wives who only wish to use them for impregnation and money for shoe purchases? Tyranny! Matriarchy!

Vecchiojohn March 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

If illegal foreign women don't want to get beat up they shouldn't sneak into the country illigally. It's against the law, goddam it!

coolhandnuke March 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm

J. Bryan Lowder…putting the "J" in jaundicedjizzjerkingjagoffjerkwaterjingoistjuvenilejournalist.

neiltheblaze March 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

You know – if we keep angering Republicans like this – they might become uncooperative and completely intransigent – and we wouldn't want that, right?

Designer_Rants March 17, 2012 at 10:22 pm

And it's unlikely, but not inconceivable that congress' approval ratings could go to single digits.

Negropolis March 18, 2012 at 1:39 am

/THREAD

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm

This article has been submitted into the Congressional Record, in its entirety, by Sen. Nelson Muntz [R] as part of his "Stop Hitting Yourself!" bill.

Barb March 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

"I admit that the issue of political tone is small potatoes compared to the very important programs and services at stake in these debates…"
Speaking of small potatoes….
Happy St Patrick's Day, Bitches!
And for those who celebrate it, Happy Corn Dog Day!
I'm going to be so pissed if anyone says "happy holidays" to me today. The war on Corn Dog Day has gone too far and I won't put up with it.

memzilla March 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I'd hate to be Erin Go Bragh-less.

Barb March 17, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I agree McMemzilla! If you go Brag-less tonight you will certainly have "the pipes are calling from glen to glen, and down the mountain side"

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2012 at 5:46 pm

All this going about bragh-less talk is starting to get "Danny Boy" interested, if you know what I mean.

neiltheblaze March 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Be sure to wash down the corn dog with Green Beer, and you've touched both vital sacraments in one sitting.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Speaking of holidays, AW, CRAP, I missed Steak and Blow Job Day!!!1! I thought it was the 20th!

Barb March 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Now that's a holiday!

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 3:00 pm

You don't know how happy that makes me to see you write that…

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Hey Barb! Fuck all this, the important thing is that we have a Dual Holiday!

Happy Holidays! Happy Corn Dog Day!

And

HAPPY ST PADDY'S DAY EVERYONE!

póg mo thóin!

(Yes, I posted this on the Santorum thread. Sue me.)

bumfug March 17, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Well, we all know how gullible and illogical the girls can be – all those ruthless Democrats have to do is say that republicans are against women and the giddy little wenches get the fucking vapors based on no evidence whatsoever. Life's not fair!

barto March 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Shurnuff them illegals gonna be trading in their anchor babies fer anchor batterers, you bet! Mebbe both fer good mezures…

Barb March 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Will we at least get our own menstrual huts or will we have to share?

MadBrahms March 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

They have to re-purpose those lactation chambers somehow.

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Menstrual Hut. Uh, that's at the mall over by the Pier One Imports, isn't it?

Designer_Rants March 17, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Never trust a store that's only open three days a month and doesn't die.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

FEMA has Menstrual Trailers. They're all down in the Gulf, but we're working on kicking out those layabout Katrina refugees.

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

You'll be sent off to menstrual huts every time your monthly ladybusiness comes around, because the Bible says the menfolk shouldn't associate with women when they're on the rag.

HistoriCat March 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm

But, but – who will cook and clean while the little woman is off lounging around in her hut?

SorosBot March 18, 2012 at 12:19 am

Haven't you read your Bible? The slaves will take care of that. And slavery is perfectly A-OK, according to Biblical morality.

Tilley March 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

The assumption is, of course and always, that "women," as a subset of "human" (never mind that we are the majority), must be patronized, placated, and condescended to in the first place, by the "men" who decided long ago that they the default humanoid form.

ALL of this crappola makes me want to vomit. Remove your suit of shining armor, get yer laws outa my hoo-hoo and take your clammy patting hand off my head.

Barrelhse March 17, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I knew there was a good reason why I haven't read "Slate" for the last 3 years.

Manhattan123 March 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Thank god Republicans never add unrelated legislation to bills. What a cock-gobbling dick (hope that language doesn't offend Peggy Noonan, who is a cock-gobbling twat by the way.)

commiegirl March 17, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I am pretty sure J. Bryan Lowder actually is gay; he's written extensively about gay and drag culture. So a different "insult" might be in order.

natoslug March 17, 2012 at 4:27 pm

What a fuckin' straightwad!!! (J. Bryan, not you. Please don't ban me)

Limeylizzie March 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm

J.Bryan Lowder is a man isn't he? Good, then I can kick him in the nuts.

MadBrahms March 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

What's weird is that he apparently writes about gender and sexuality kind of a lot. It's all fairly mealy-mouthed, but not totally regressive.

I think he thinks he's doing masculinity studies or something, but his writing just reads like self-important intellectual wankery to me.

MissNancyPriss March 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

That he's a man doesn't necessarily mean he has nuts for the kickin'

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 3:02 pm

No riding crops for him, though. He doesn't deserve it.

finallyhappy March 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Of course it is our fault- doubly mine as i am a democrat and a woman.

Designer_Rants March 17, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Slut.

BS4Dummies March 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Lowders analysis sounds like the improved version of Fox News spin, which is: the "War on Women" is orchestrated by the Democratic Party to sway the voters during the election.

Only problem with that though, is all the legislation out there has a R stamped on it.

Funny how he doesn't even know the voting ratio, that more women vote than men, but the transviginal sluts will educate him at the voting booths.

MadBrahms March 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

The way they see it, this is just like "class warfare". Why are the democrats starting a class war? We were all getting along so well!

The_Trainman March 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm

J. Bryan Lowder needs to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Guppy March 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Left unsaid is the assumption that the Democratic Party, the one that couldn't find its own ass, two free hands, etc, is capable of "framing" any debate.

Designer_Rants March 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Needz moar "Liberal ALEC".

Seriously, do we have that? I'm thinking like if the ACLU could write awesome, subversive legislation and selling/talking points, drill it into hundreds of Dems across the nation's statehouses, and instead of transvaginal fistings, we could be talking about how those poor 0.00001%ers are getting taxed at 92% on their cap gains and earned income and estates. We'd all be so outraged as state and national deficits eroded and infrastructure investments were funded. JERB CREATRS!!!!!!1

CountryClubJihadi March 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I think it's time for Alexyss K. Tylor/Vagina Power to get involved here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnpS1zRz1Vw&fe

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Indeed. The Gentlelady speaks with the voice of the many. (Though not the common-bitch many, of course)

valthemus March 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"…Republican insiders fear that the misstep could cost them dearly in an election year in which women will represent a significant portion of the voting public."

As part of the great temporal roll-back to Jeffersonian America c. 1800, Republicans had always been planning on taking away a woman's right to vote before installing Michael Reagan as the new puppet emperor of the Great American Republic and declaring war on Canada. C'mon, people! Am I the only one who reads the GOP web site?

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 2:58 pm

When little Ricky becomes President and bans internet porn, does that mean no more GOP web site?

MissNancyPriss March 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

We have the upcoming Viagra Wars to look forward to!

BarackMyWorld March 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Republicans ran into a parked car and are trying to blame the car.

C_R_Eature March 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Then they masturbated all over it, vandalized it and then yelled at it for being so slutty.

deanbooth March 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

J. Bryan Lowder should start reading Wonkette!

After reading this most excellent post, I think everyone should.

valthemus March 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm

"…you can see why doing anything about that would simply be unconscionable, because … well, your editrix can’t see why…"

Oh, come now, Rebecca! Encouraging women to leave hurtful hubbies when those gals should be busy being submissive? Promoting same-sex couplings by helping those "people" to "leave" their "bad" "relationships"? And allowing foreign women to stay here and possibly breed? Think of the anchor babies, Rebecca! THINK OF THE ANCHOR BABIES!!

Riggsveda March 17, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Brava, Editrix.

flamingpdog March 17, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Rebecca, next time, before posting, consider the whiplash your blog post may cause. But continue to do right.

Chichikovovich March 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Don't be snidely.

ManchuCandidate March 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

So basically, the GOPers are going with the Wife Beater D.

Lowder, don't cry when female voters torch the GOP while it's asleep drunk in the Burnin Bed.

Steverino247 March 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I think the VAWA should be re-named because it confuses police officers occasionally (the stories I could tell you…) and leaves out female on male violence and LGBT issues. The indefinite nature of "dating" causes some troubles, too. For example, if you dated someone for three months in high school and then 20 years later pushed them in an argument after a fender bender, it's a domestic violence incident.

Dashboard Buddha March 17, 2012 at 3:11 pm

So…Dudley is into S&M, Nell is into bestiality, and Savoir Faire is everywhere.

swordfis March 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I object to Wonkette stooping to publish pornography; and by pornography I mean Slate. I used to read it for Doonesbury, before I realized the strip was still in the NYT, and it struck me as typical mealy-mouthed scandal-mongering. So Slate, and that morbidly obese individual in the Kony article, who gives me an apnea attack just by looking at him.

swordfis March 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Oh. Democrats are "giddy," like little girls. No hidden messages there….

Mort_Sinclair March 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Your close read, Rebecca, is enough to make an English teacher weep with joy!! I am verklempt. Brava!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Who is this J Bryan Lowrider fellow anyway, and why isn't he simply writing about the charms of a high-bouncing 1973 Chebby?

owhatever March 17, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Just close your eyes.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

EXCELLENT NEWS: In a rare moment of decency and political courage (and probable political suicide), Utah's Gov. Gary Herbert has vetoed the proposed abstinence-only sex ed bill.

He will almost certainly not be re-nominated by the Utah Republican convention.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Sen. Margaret Dayton, co-sponsor of the bill, said she was disappointed the governor hadn’t contacted her to discuss his concerns and said teaching children about contraception is comparable to telling kids not to do drugs, then showing them how to "mainline" heroin.

because, y'know, it's the same thing really

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 4:28 pm

That analogy would work if mainlining was a way to get all the enjoyment of heroin without dealing with the addiction or destruction of your health. Guess what, idiot – sex is a good thing, and people should be doing it if they want to, without risk of STDs or unwanted pregnancy.

slowhansolo March 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

OK, everyone, let's do our best to avoid turning off J. Bryan Lowder, whoever the fuck that is. You gals are just gonna have to sack up.

Schmegeg March 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

The Republicans also violently oppose the requirement that asshole spin doctors must undergo a transrectal ultrasound

SorosBot March 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Well I'd love to make the Spin Doctors undergo a transrectal ultrasound – god that Two Princes was awful, and inescapable back in the early 90s.

Antispandex March 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

So, OK, so…I'm confused. You are supposed to be in favor of womens rights, and protecting the ladies and others from having the crap kicked out of them, but you just aren't supposed to say that you are…or be proud of the fact that you aren't a cretin? OK, I've got to go now. I just don't get the finer points of politics today. I think I need a black and tan, or two.

AlterNewt March 17, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Man. We obviously can't believe a word we say. What fools we've been.

DCBloom March 17, 2012 at 4:52 pm

When I was in the 8th grade, i wrote for the school newspaper. I often sounded just like that pompous ass….. all mealy-mouthed, trying to use "big words". In my defense, I was in the 8th grade.

anniegetyerfun March 17, 2012 at 5:29 pm

The funny thing is that this is probably the first time Democrats have successfully gone after Republicans for being complete assholes. Like, ever.

ttommyunger March 17, 2012 at 10:19 pm

J. Bryan who?

Negropolis March 18, 2012 at 1:17 am

It's shit like this why Democrats can't have nice things. The minute we're to give the knock-out punch, and the community warns against being too aggressive. There is no such thing as too aggressive with an opposition party that'd sooner crash this nation into the ground than let the other half take control of the reign for a few years. Call me crazy, but how about we let the American people decide if we've "gone too far"? This is the kind of shitty "journalism" that has aided in the political paralysis we find ourselves in.

This is why I'm not a member of either party or student of any one ideological school of thought, if even I sympathize with some more than others.

Negropolis March 18, 2012 at 1:23 am

Short Slate: See what you made me do? I didn't want to hit you.

fitley March 18, 2012 at 1:41 am

Let's get Dana Loesch to piss on him. We'll just tell her he's a dead afghan. Who's got the roofies?

aklibtard March 18, 2012 at 4:17 am

This is the sort of thinking that pisses me off at liberals. They act like abused spouses. "He's doing some really bad things, but I better not complain too much. Don't want to be seen as a whiner…". Good fucking call. The GOP is full of misogynist fucktards, but Dems shouldn't push them too hard on it. It'd look bad.

Ducksworthy March 18, 2012 at 11:22 am

"Senator Roy Blunt suggests that the new champions of women may be “in serious danger of overplaying their hand,” and I actually think he has a point." Sooo. Is "point" some sort of beltway euphemism for "penis"?

WiscDad March 18, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I love a good Blunt myself…had one last night in fact while sipping a wonderful IPA…ahhh…fire in the chimenea, cold beer, Philly Blunt….life is good

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: