he wants it so bad

Confirmed: Ron Paul Is A Hobbit, Will Throw Power Ring Into Fire Mountain

RON PAUL 2008!For years and years, society (“the Wonkette blog”) has suspected that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul was a prickly hobbit from the Shire, where the hobbits live in isolation and smoke the Forest Weede all day. If not this, then what? And so we thank Ron Paul senior campaign adviser aide person Doug Wead for finally fessing up: Dr. Paul is in fact a hobbit, and he *will* — this is a campaign pledge, folks, bookmark it — he *will* destroy the One Ring To Rule Them All in Mount Doom when he gets the chance, unlike that toolshed Mitt Romney.

Wead gives the hot scoop to Time magazine who (sigh) bury it midway through this story about how Mitt Romney is trying to purchase Ron Paul, having already purchased all other things:

Paul’s acolytes insist their man cannot be bought. “Romney wants the ring of power. He wants it so bad,” says Doug Wead, a Paul senior adviser. “Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything. If he got the ring, he would throw it into Mount Doom.”

The Time writer’s next sentence: “Maybe so, but at 76, Paul is understandably concerned about the future of his movement.” Wow, way to follow up after he just revealed to you that presidential candidate Ron Paul is a New Zealand forest monster. “Maybe so, but at 76…” C’mon. What are you? You’re fired is what.

Anyway, what do you all think about fast-tracking the meme-ification of “Romney wants the ring of power. He wants it so bad…”? Let’s just use this all the time until Mitt Romney loses to Ron Paul.

[Time via Slog]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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130 comments

    1. Arken

      He does look remarkably like Gollum… who, those who DID see the movie or read the books, was actually the one who threw the ring into the lava (along with himself).

      1. anniegetyerfun

        "Throw" is a strong word. He fell in, the little fucker.

        Still liked him better than Frodo "I Cry Like a Little Bitch All The Time" Baggins, though.

    2. FoxNewsDonk

      Everyone should know that Ron is Bilbo. He must give the ring up to Frodo, presumably, Rand, and Rand should carry the water to Mordor.

      That imagery fucks up my day.

      (Tolkien Nerd)

  1. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Romney isn't up on this middle earth stuff as much as most fans, but he does know the chap who rules Mordor.

  2. GuanoFaucet

    Yeah, well maybe he can't be bought off with the Ring of Power, but a sack of krugerrands would work.

  3. prommie

    Enter the heir apparent, the florid, ringletted Rand Paultard! And ye shall have an heir to lead thee, Paultards, unto the Gold standard!

        1. MosesInvests

          Not to mention the wizard, Goodgulf Greyteeth. And Arrowroot, son of Arrowshirt, aka Stomper, heir to the throne of Twodor (which is located in the city of Minas Troney). I could go on all day with this.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    A quick copy past and find replace… Voila, instant Ron Paul Press Release.

    The power of the enemy is growing. Obamer will use his puppet Romney to destroy the white fat people of Republican. Socialism has been unleashed. The Eye of Obamer now turns to Tejas, the last free fiefdom of white men. His war on this country will come swiftly. He senses the Ring is close. The altitude of the Ron Paul Blimp is failing. In his heart, Ron begins to understand. The quest will claim his life. You know this. You have foreseen it. It is the risk we all took. In the gathering dark, the will of the Ring grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the hands of men. Men, who are so easily seduced by its power. The old creaky batshit pandering racist of Tejas has but to extend his hand, take the Ring for his own and the world will fall. It is close now, so close to achieving its goal. For Obamer will have dominion over all life on this Earth, even unto the ending of the world. The time of the Paultards is over. Do we leave White men to its fate? Do we let them stand alone?

    1. Joey_Blau

      cool.. but.. Obama as Sauron and Ron Paul as.. Frodo? and the Texas racist Perry? is going to take it? but then Paultards are Elves!!?

      I demand re-write! lol

  5. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Thinking about it, my vote would go to anyone who promised to send Tom Bombadil to Gitmo.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Can I just talk about how that made my day? When I finally got around to reading LOTR recently, I got about 20 pages into Tom's first bit of blathering and gave up. My husband, who read the books while he was still in the womb, was all, "You're so intolerant!" but Bombadil was the worst character ever conceived of. EVER.

      1. DetectiveGrey

        Tom-Bomb suffers from a trinity of shitty writing tropes. He's a deus ex machina, he appears, leaves, and is NEVER mentioned again, and he's a Mary Sue in his own canon.

        1. SorosBot

          Now, he is mentioned again; very briefly, at the Council of Elrond. But that's it. Otherwise yeah his chapter is completely missable, and easily the worst part of all the books.

      2. Fukui-sanYesOta

        I read LOTR when I was fifteen, which is, um, more than twenty years ago, and I didn't bother with the films. What has stuck with me all this time is how fucking annoying I found Tom Bombadil. Worse than the endless blather about Gondor. Worse than the saccharine little-Englandy shire. Worse, even, than those poxy elves.

        I detest Tom Bombadil, and you are a person of taste.

        1. fuflans

          tom wasn't in the movies.

          peter jackson and fran walsh are wise that way.

          (they are very good btw).

          1. Fukui-sanYesOta

            Oh, that really is rather good.

            The little hills and woods of that Surrey of the mind, the Shire, are "safe", but the wild landscapes everywhere beyond the Shire are "dangerous".

            Quite.

          2. Doktor StrangeZoom

            Yes, very, very good:

            I never liked A. A. Milne, even when I was very young. There is an element of conspiratorial persuasion in his tone that a suspicious child can detect early in life. Let's all be cosy, it seems to say (children's books are, after all, often written by conservative adults anxious to maintain an unreal attitude to childhood); let's forget about our troubles and go to sleep.

            "And it is that word 'hummy,' my darlings, that marks the first place in The House at Pooh Corner at which Tonstant Weader fwowed up"

            –Dorothy Parker

            EDIT: Also, this:

            If the bulk of American sf could be said to be written by robots, about robots, for robots, then the bulk of English fantasy seems to be written by rabbits, about rabbits and for rabbits.

            HAR!

    2. BlueStateLibel

      Why the hate on Tom Bombadil? If I recall correctly, he first saved the hobbits from murderous trees, and then from barrow wrights. Think about it: if it wasn't for Tom Bombadil, the hobbits wouldn't have even made it to Bree, and we'd all be living under Orc rule right now. But I agree, he doesn't seem to fit in well, sort of like Mitt Rmoney.

  6. KeepFnThatChicken

    “Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything. If he got the ring, he would throw it into Mount Doom.”

    *-thinking-*

    If Paul threw it into the lava… then Sarah Palin would run after it.

    *-thinking-*

    Fuck me! I'm voting for Ron Paul.

  7. SexySmurf

    Who would have guessed Ron Paul's senior adviser is a friendless virgin named Wead? Besides everyone.

  8. OneYieldRegular

    Even if one tried, one couldn't come up with a more perfect script (or Onion parody) for Ron Paul's campaign than to have his staff members making metaphorical comparisons to "Lord of the Rings."

  9. bureaucrap

    After he passes, he will become the Messiah, just like Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, became the Messiah as soon as HE passed.

  10. CogitoErgoBibo

    “Maybe so, but at 76, Paul is understandably concerned about the future of his movement.”

    Needs moar bran.

  11. SorosBot

    Paul would throw the ring into Mount Doom? Yeah right; anyone who follows that morally bankrupt selfish cult of Libertarianism would keep the power for themselves, to rule over all of Middle Earth; he'd just be another Sauruman.

    1. Deportably_Jose

      On the other hand, I could totally see Paul, at least or a Paulite, driven by his own obsessions and the voices in his head, to attack the ring-bearer, to take the One Ring from him, only to fall into the volcano with the ring himself.

      After all, the ring was forged of unadorned gold, and is therefore Sound Money.

  12. dadanarchist

    This is a canny political move. They know that the Paultard base is composed of fat, spiteful, bitter nerds stuck behind their computers, masturbating to crumpled photos of Ayn Rand's head on golden bikini Princess Leia's body.

  13. littlebigdaddy

    Is Michele B. Galadriel, then? Cuz I'm pretty sure they both take the same kind of drugs.

  14. Baconzgood

    Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything.

    Then it wouldn't be negotiating would it?

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    Heck, 76 is still pretty young for a Hobbit. Bilbo disappeared on his 111th birthday to go off and have an another big adventure, even though Gandalf made him give the ring to that kid.

  16. Callyson

    Romney wants the ring of power
    Because he's too scared of the ring of fire…like most Republicans. Speaking of which, I see the next story is about the lack of women's clinics in Texas…

  17. Arken

    76 isn't all that old. Bilbo was eleventy-one when he left the Shire forever. Ron Paul will be eleventy-one in 2047. RON PAUL 2047!!!

  18. Doktor StrangeZoom

    RON PAUL: I brought my Planescape character!

    OBAMA: Dude, we're playing Forgotten Realms.

    RON PAUL: I rift in from Sigil! I'm a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!

    MCCAIN: DUDE, that is not even LEGAL.

    RON PAUL: Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it! Guns and weed for everyone! WHEEE!

    Kucinich: IM A BARD

  19. Doktor StrangeZoom

    It was a giant…uh..SPACE Walrus! With…uh…photon flippers!

    Let's beam Mr. Spock into a WALL!

    (Oh. Wrong fandom?)

  20. HippieEsq

    I can't even follow the comments. Someone needs to come pull my nerd credentials until my kids are old enough to make me watch all this shit again.

  21. Naked_Bunny

    Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything.

    Yep. I always assumed that people who spend thousands of hours and millions of dollars to reach a goal are doing it because they don't want anything.

  22. anniegetyerfun

    I just realized that the only thing most Wonketteers have in common with Paultards is that at least 80% of us have WAY too much time invested in LOTR. Well, that and weed.

    1. fuflans

      i just made a very similar comment 20 minutes after you.

      still! lotr nerds way better than santorum trolls.

  23. Deportably_Jose

    Technically, it was Gollum who threw the ring into Mount Doom, and he was a supernaturally long-lived, twisted-by-evil ancestor of the particular bloodline of hobbits, not a hobbit himself.

    Though, I can definitely see the resemblance.

  24. FlownOver

    That's what Boromir thought, and look where it got him.

    Trust not the Men of the West, unless they be hot for elf-maidens born of ancient rockers.

  25. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Funny, a few years ago when I read Watership Down aloud with Kid Zoom, we also noted the boring obsessiveness with botanical detail.

    At least in that one, you could maybe account for it as being the sort of thing a rabbit would notice…

  26. fuflans

    newt is totally an orc.

    and not a fierce scary warrior orc – more like that little shrieking orc that gets ripped apart at the birth of the uruk hai.

  27. DetectiveGrey

    Newt: "You have my whore-diamonds."
    Romney: "And my blowharding."
    Santorum: "AND MY ASS!"

  28. Terry

    Paul really can't be a hobbit. Hobbits seemed to like living in the Shire. Ron Paul, on the other hand, seems to be continually prepared to ditch the U.S. and run to Mexico to escape the collapse of civilization.

    I don't understand why the headcases all seem to be planning to run to Mexico to hide out in the face of an approaching economic or social collapse. Don't they realize that the Mexican economy is pretty tightly tied to ours? If the U.S. catches cold, Mexico sneezes, as the expression goes. If the U.S. collapsed, do they imagine our neighbor would be unaffected and they can happily drink a margarita in the sunshine, sitting on top of their hoard of guns and canned food?

  29. Chet Kincaid

    If the eagles could fly down and rescue Frodo at the end, why couldn't the eagles drop the fucking ring in the fire themselves?

    Been stumping nerds with that since 1979.

    1. Joey_Blau

      Well.. Eagles won't touch the ring for one.

      next, were the Eagles at Rivendell when the quest was launched? they are hard to get on the phone and never read their emails.

      and. Eagles would have been seen and intercepted by Nazgul.. Remember the Witch King had been killed by Eowyn and this reduced their power allowing the Eagles a better chance at fighting them, but that was later.

      1. Deportably_Jose

        Eagles would have been seen and intercepted by Nazgul

        True, but even in that case, they'd at least be able to make up the yardage with a solid ground game and good defense.

        Wait, what were we talking about?

    2. slowhansolo

      In a sort of related note, I like to defuse the complainers about inflatable boat scene in Temple of Doom by pointing out that wizardry enabled their precious Raiders when Indy clung to the side of a sub, underwater, for 1,000 miles.

      1. Deportably_Jose

        My girlfriend, who is awesome, pointed me to the fact in Harry Potter, the Weasley twins had a magic map the entire time that would have said their brother was sleeping with some dude named Peter, and never thought it worth looking into.

    3. bonghitforjesus

      The Great Eye would have noticed a couple of huge magical freaking eagles flying to Mount Doom with the ring. Once the ring is gone though, evil is too busy with the agony of defeat to care.

  30. Joey_Blau

    Hi all! I love Wonkett but never commented. I had to create user to get in on this cool Hobbit action.

    First off Gollum did not throw the ring into the fire. He fell as he fondled it.. big diff.

    Next. 76 is late middle age for hobbit, not young.. most live to 100 and Bilbo lived to over 125 because of the ring.

    Tom Bombadil was used to get rid of some doggerel verse that JRRT had written, he was there forever and so his mind was shot.. and BUT, he did appear AGAIN in the book.. at the very end when they were leaving the Gray Havens.

    Ron Paul would take the ring to do good… and then he would become beautifull and terrible … he'd be all like "All shall love me and despair!" lol.

    So he will put on the ring.. but then Romney will cause his heart to be corrupted and soon he will embrace the Fed and QE3~~!

  31. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    You know who else tried to throw the Ring into Mt. Doom?

    Yeah, Isildur, that's who. He wasn't very Gladden about it though.

  32. Tommy1733

    Obviously the Ring of Power has extended Bilbo Paul's life – he will easily live to celebrate his eleventy-eleventh birthday, and we will all have a merry time on that day.

  33. Lazy Media

    Ron Paul has the ring, which prolongs life. He'll be running for president of the North American Union in 2112 (on a platform of returning to the gold standard).

  34. vulpes82

    I just have one thing to say *clears throat* NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!

  35. ttommyunger

    "Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything." Actually, I read today that Ron is hoping to trade his endorsement for the VP slot on the Romney Ticket for his idiot mouth-breathing son, Rand.

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