For years and years, society (“the Wonkette blog”) has suspected that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul was a prickly hobbit from the Shire, where the hobbits live in isolation and smoke the Forest Weede all day. If not this, then what? And so we thank Ron Paul senior campaign adviser aide person Doug Wead for finally fessing up: Dr. Paul is in fact a hobbit, and he *will* — this is a campaign pledge, folks, bookmark it — he *will* destroy the One Ring To Rule Them All in Mount Doom when he gets the chance, unlike that toolshed Mitt Romney.
Wead gives the hot scoop to Time magazine who (sigh) bury it midway through this story about how Mitt Romney is trying to purchase Ron Paul, having already purchased all other things:
Paul’s acolytes insist their man cannot be bought. “Romney wants the ring of power. He wants it so bad,” says Doug Wead, a Paul senior adviser. “Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything. If he got the ring, he would throw it into Mount Doom.”
The Time writer’s next sentence: “Maybe so, but at 76, Paul is understandably concerned about the future of his movement.” Wow, way to follow up after he just revealed to you that presidential candidate Ron Paul is a New Zealand forest monster. “Maybe so, but at 76…” C’mon. What are you? You’re fired is what.
Anyway, what do you all think about fast-tracking the meme-ification of “Romney wants the ring of power. He wants it so bad…”? Let’s just use this all the time until Mitt Romney loses to Ron Paul.
{ 130 comments }
I never saw the movie, is Paul one of the creatures that die at the end?
He does look remarkably like Gollum… who, those who DID see the movie or read the books, was actually the one who threw the ring into the lava (along with himself).
"Throw" is a strong word. He fell in, the little fucker.
Still liked him better than Frodo "I Cry Like a Little Bitch All The Time" Baggins, though.
I'm just saying, it might not have been the best analogy.
Aren't we all, really?
Everyone should know that Ron is Bilbo. He must give the ring up to Frodo, presumably, Rand, and Rand should carry the water to Mordor.
That imagery fucks up my day.
(Tolkien Nerd)
Meanwhile, Newt enjoys second breakfast.
Then goes to his second bathroom.
It's not as indulgent as 4th Lunch.
One ring to rule them all!
One. Gold. Ring!
You're advertising on Glenn Beck's show, right?
I thought it was "five golden rings; Four mockingbirds" etc.
Koch Ring.
Romney isn't up on this middle earth stuff as much as most fans, but he does know the chap who rules Mordor.
He loves the Shire. All the folk are the right height.
Mitt loves cheesy cram!
The Ents are the right height too.
Cirdan the Shipwright was a job creator friend of his.
I bow before you.
Well, I guess Smeagol was a hobbit at *some* point…
Breakfast at Tiffany's?
I think I remember that film, And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it
At 76 a movement for Ron Paul must be a big deal.
A little prune juice in his diet and maybe it wouldn't be such a worry for him.
Yeah, well maybe he can't be bought off with the Ring of Power, but a sack of krugerrands would work.
Enter the heir apparent, the florid, ringletted Rand Paultard! And ye shall have an heir to lead thee, Paultards, unto the Gold standard!
Dildo Baggins.
Dildo Bugger. And the elf, Legolamb.
Don't forget Frito and Gimlet, son of Groin!
Not to mention the wizard, Goodgulf Greyteeth. And Arrowroot, son of Arrowshirt, aka Stomper, heir to the throne of Twodor (which is located in the city of Minas Troney). I could go on all day with this.
"Aieee, a Ballhog!" and …landscape of Swiftly Rising Gorges always got me.
Arrowroot was a direct descendant of either Arglebargle IV or someone else.
Made me snort loudly in doc's waiting room, couldn't log in to upfist until now
Sorry, Mitt, you'll have to settle for the Bracelet of Fail.
Rod Blagojovich is wearing that today.
Some of Romney's best friends are giant flaming eyes
I think it is more like some of Rmoney's best friends own the corporations that the giant flaming eyes work for.
A quick copy past and find replace… Voila, instant Ron Paul Press Release.
The power of the enemy is growing. Obamer will use his puppet Romney to destroy the white fat people of Republican. Socialism has been unleashed. The Eye of Obamer now turns to Tejas, the last free fiefdom of white men. His war on this country will come swiftly. He senses the Ring is close. The altitude of the Ron Paul Blimp is failing. In his heart, Ron begins to understand. The quest will claim his life. You know this. You have foreseen it. It is the risk we all took. In the gathering dark, the will of the Ring grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the hands of men. Men, who are so easily seduced by its power. The old creaky batshit pandering racist of Tejas has but to extend his hand, take the Ring for his own and the world will fall. It is close now, so close to achieving its goal. For Obamer will have dominion over all life on this Earth, even unto the ending of the world. The time of the Paultards is over. Do we leave White men to its fate? Do we let them stand alone?
Um, yes? Or was that a rhetorical question?
cool.. but.. Obama as Sauron and Ron Paul as.. Frodo? and the Texas racist Perry? is going to take it? but then Paultards are Elves!!?
I demand re-write! lol
Defiantly throwing that ring won't pay Mt. Doom back for what it did to his eyebrows.
Thinking about it, my vote would go to anyone who promised to send Tom Bombadil to Gitmo.
God, I hate that fucker.
I liked Tim Benzedrine better.
Can I just talk about how that made my day? When I finally got around to reading LOTR recently, I got about 20 pages into Tom's first bit of blathering and gave up. My husband, who read the books while he was still in the womb, was all, "You're so intolerant!" but Bombadil was the worst character ever conceived of. EVER.
Tom-Bomb suffers from a trinity of shitty writing tropes. He's a deus ex machina, he appears, leaves, and is NEVER mentioned again, and he's a Mary Sue in his own canon.
Now, he is mentioned again; very briefly, at the Council of Elrond. But that's it. Otherwise yeah his chapter is completely missable, and easily the worst part of all the books.
I read LOTR when I was fifteen, which is, um, more than twenty years ago, and I didn't bother with the films. What has stuck with me all this time is how fucking annoying I found Tom Bombadil. Worse than the endless blather about Gondor. Worse than the saccharine little-Englandy shire. Worse, even, than those poxy elves.
I detest Tom Bombadil, and you are a person of taste.
tom wasn't in the movies.
peter jackson and fran walsh are wise that way.
(they are very good btw).
I assume you've read this classic essay:
http://www.revolutionsf.com/article.php?id=953
Oh, that really is rather good.
The little hills and woods of that Surrey of the mind, the Shire, are "safe", but the wild landscapes everywhere beyond the Shire are "dangerous".
Quite.
You should try & find a copy of Bored of the Rings the Lampoon parody.
It's an enjoyable slagging of the series & still a favorite of mine.
nerd win thread!
Why the hate on Tom Bombadil? If I recall correctly, he first saved the hobbits from murderous trees, and then from barrow wrights. Think about it: if it wasn't for Tom Bombadil, the hobbits wouldn't have even made it to Bree, and we'd all be living under Orc rule right now. But I agree, he doesn't seem to fit in well, sort of like Mitt Rmoney.
aww Tom wasn't that bad..
saved our boys from that tree…
I LIKED Tom Bombadil. Fuck all y'all haters.
We've always been at war with Eastfarthing.
Now we're going to be at war with Penn Frothy?!?
“Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything. If he got the ring, he would throw it into Mount Doom.”
*-thinking-*
If Paul threw it into the lava… then Sarah Palin would run after it.
*-thinking-*
Fuck me! I'm voting for Ron Paul.
Who would have guessed Ron Paul's senior adviser is a friendless virgin named Wead? Besides everyone.
Only suprise is that his first name apparently isn't "Dick."
I am kind of surprised. Mainly because I expected a neo-Nazi with a long rap sheet.
At his age, Paul should be more concerned about the future of his bowel movement.
Even if one tried, one couldn't come up with a more perfect script (or Onion parody) for Ron Paul's campaign than to have his staff members making metaphorical comparisons to "Lord of the Rings."
On the plus side, Mittbot™ 2.0 just started beta testing on the ISS, and should be ready for the
brain transplantreprogramming soon.After he passes, he will become the Messiah, just like Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, became the Messiah as soon as HE passed.
“Maybe so, but at 76, Paul is understandably concerned about the future of his movement.”
Needs moar bran.
Prunes work faster.
Grapes, brown rice and popcorn. Assuming he survives it.
Show him a picture of a young, black man. Evacuation should occur pretty quickly, judging by his racist zine articles.
Paul would throw the ring into Mount Doom? Yeah right; anyone who follows that morally bankrupt selfish cult of Libertarianism would keep the power for themselves, to rule over all of Middle Earth; he'd just be another Sauruman.
On the other hand, I could totally see Paul, at least or a Paulite, driven by his own obsessions and the voices in his head, to attack the ring-bearer, to take the One Ring from him, only to fall into the volcano with the ring himself.
After all, the ring was forged of unadorned gold, and is therefore Sound Money.
My precious, my precious gold standard; we wants it, yes, but the fat Fed won't lets us.
This is a canny political move. They know that the Paultard base is composed of fat, spiteful, bitter nerds stuck behind their computers, masturbating to crumpled photos of Ayn Rand's head on golden bikini Princess Leia's body.
Oh, so you've been to our office?
Ron Paul has tried to warn us what it feels like to be robbed by a fleet footed ent
Is Michele B. Galadriel, then? Cuz I'm pretty sure they both take the same kind of drugs.
Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything.
Then it wouldn't be negotiating would it?
Heck, 76 is still pretty young for a Hobbit. Bilbo disappeared on his 111th birthday to go off and have an another big adventure, even though Gandalf made him give the ring to that kid.
One does not simply Wonk into Mordor.
Romney wants the ring of power
Because he's too scared of the ring of fire…like most Republicans. Speaking of which, I see the next story is about the lack of women's clinics in Texas…
76 isn't all that old. Bilbo was eleventy-one when he left the Shire forever. Ron Paul will be eleventy-one in 2047. RON PAUL 2047!!!
RON PAUL: I brought my Planescape character!
OBAMA: Dude, we're playing Forgotten Realms.
RON PAUL: I rift in from Sigil! I'm a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!
MCCAIN: DUDE, that is not even LEGAL.
RON PAUL: Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it! Guns and weed for everyone! WHEEE!
Kucinich: IM A BARD
It was a giant…uh..SPACE Walrus! With…uh…photon flippers!
Let's beam Mr. Spock into a WALL!
(Oh. Wrong fandom?)
….In the land of Mordor where Paultards lie….
There's the problem with the Paul campaign…his advisers are from Mordor
"Cannot be bought?" Why does Ron Paul hate capitalism?
But now, if we went back on the gold standard….
I can't even follow the comments. Someone needs to come pull my nerd credentials until my kids are old enough to make me watch all this shit again.
Ha ha! Now it's the sexless losers' time to shine!
Hey now, some of us are nerds and still have sex.
Helmet cam or GTFO!!
Prepare to feel my STING!
Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything.
Yep. I always assumed that people who spend thousands of hours and millions of dollars to reach a goal are doing it because they don't want anything.
I just realized that the only thing most Wonketteers have in common with Paultards is that at least 80% of us have WAY too much time invested in LOTR. Well, that and weed.
i just made a very similar comment 20 minutes after you.
still! lotr nerds way better than santorum trolls.
Newt = Shelob
perfect
"Who's got The Precious?! Who, who?!"
Technically, it was Gollum who threw the ring into Mount Doom, and he was a supernaturally long-lived, twisted-by-evil ancestor of the particular bloodline of hobbits, not a hobbit himself.
Though, I can definitely see the resemblance.
HAN SHOT FIRST
BRING BACK FIREFLY
That's what Boromir thought, and look where it got him.
Trust not the Men of the West, unless they be hot for elf-maidens born of ancient rockers.
Tom Bombadil was a Dancehall Toaster, Mon?!
EDIT:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuUlrkM2c-I
I personally think that Cheney played an excellent Grima Wormtongue.
Funny, a few years ago when I read Watership Down aloud with Kid Zoom, we also noted the boring obsessiveness with botanical detail.
At least in that one, you could maybe account for it as being the sort of thing a rabbit would notice…
I like wead. And some boone's farm. Good times!
newt is totally an orc.
and not a fierce scary warrior orc – more like that little shrieking orc that gets ripped apart at the birth of the uruk hai.
Newt: "You have my whore-diamonds."
Romney: "And my blowharding."
Santorum: "AND MY ASS!"
Perry: And my…..oops!
Paul really can't be a hobbit. Hobbits seemed to like living in the Shire. Ron Paul, on the other hand, seems to be continually prepared to ditch the U.S. and run to Mexico to escape the collapse of civilization.
I don't understand why the headcases all seem to be planning to run to Mexico to hide out in the face of an approaching economic or social collapse. Don't they realize that the Mexican economy is pretty tightly tied to ours? If the U.S. catches cold, Mexico sneezes, as the expression goes. If the U.S. collapsed, do they imagine our neighbor would be unaffected and they can happily drink a margarita in the sunshine, sitting on top of their hoard of guns and canned food?
LOTR? "laughing out the rearend"??
If the eagles could fly down and rescue Frodo at the end, why couldn't the eagles drop the fucking ring in the fire themselves?
Been stumping nerds with that since 1979.
Well.. Eagles won't touch the ring for one.
next, were the Eagles at Rivendell when the quest was launched? they are hard to get on the phone and never read their emails.
and. Eagles would have been seen and intercepted by Nazgul.. Remember the Witch King had been killed by Eowyn and this reduced their power allowing the Eagles a better chance at fighting them, but that was later.
True, but even in that case, they'd at least be able to make up the yardage with a solid ground game and good defense.
Wait, what were we talking about?
In a sort of related note, I like to defuse the complainers about inflatable boat scene in Temple of Doom by pointing out that wizardry enabled their precious Raiders when Indy clung to the side of a sub, underwater, for 1,000 miles.
My girlfriend, who is awesome, pointed me to the fact in Harry Potter, the Weasley twins had a magic map the entire time that would have said their brother was sleeping with some dude named Peter, and never thought it worth looking into.
The Great Eye would have noticed a couple of huge magical freaking eagles flying to Mount Doom with the ring. Once the ring is gone though, evil is too busy with the agony of defeat to care.
Hi all! I love Wonkett but never commented. I had to create user to get in on this cool Hobbit action.
First off Gollum did not throw the ring into the fire. He fell as he fondled it.. big diff.
Next. 76 is late middle age for hobbit, not young.. most live to 100 and Bilbo lived to over 125 because of the ring.
Tom Bombadil was used to get rid of some doggerel verse that JRRT had written, he was there forever and so his mind was shot.. and BUT, he did appear AGAIN in the book.. at the very end when they were leaving the Gray Havens.
Ron Paul would take the ring to do good… and then he would become beautifull and terrible … he'd be all like "All shall love me and despair!" lol.
So he will put on the ring.. but then Romney will cause his heart to be corrupted and soon he will embrace the Fed and QE3~~!
Speaking of hobbits, this never gets old, Ken Layne's (RIP) hobbit story for us.
Oops, there goes the gold standard. My precious!
I know Sam Gamgee, congressman, and you are no Sam Gamgee.
I must say, though, I think Doug Wead is an awesomely cool name.
You know who else tried to throw the Ring into Mt. Doom?
Yeah, Isildur, that's who. He wasn't very Gladden about it though.
Obviously the Ring of Power has extended Bilbo Paul's life – he will easily live to celebrate his eleventy-eleventh birthday, and we will all have a merry time on that day.
Ron Paul has the ring, which prolongs life. He'll be running for president of the North American Union in 2112 (on a platform of returning to the gold standard).
76 is nothing. If you have the ring of power you don't age…Do we precioussss….
I just have one thing to say *clears throat* NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!
"Negotiating with Ron Paul is very difficult because he doesn’t want anything." Actually, I read today that Ron is hoping to trade his endorsement for the VP slot on the Romney Ticket for his idiot mouth-breathing son, Rand.
Yes, very, very good:
I never liked A. A. Milne, even when I was very young. There is an element of conspiratorial persuasion in his tone that a suspicious child can detect early in life. Let's all be cosy, it seems to say (children's books are, after all, often written by conservative adults anxious to maintain an unreal attitude to childhood); let's forget about our troubles and go to sleep.
"And it is that word 'hummy,' my darlings, that marks the first place in The House at Pooh Corner at which Tonstant Weader fwowed up"
–Dorothy Parker
EDIT: Also, this:
If the bulk of American sf could be said to be written by robots, about robots, for robots, then the bulk of English fantasy seems to be written by rabbits, about rabbits and for rabbits.
HAR!
"Written in cruel runes…Villanova…"
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