Isn’t that funny, the Wonkette tipline today contains two (2) examples of preachers getting all jiggy in their supposedly neutral morning prayers at various statehouses. Hey Kansas, ‘sup? Heard you suck, but only Georgia sent video. First, this very gentle and mellow man, Rev. Tony Byrd of Zebulon Baptist Church in Toccoa, who appeared at the invitation of Rep. Michael Harden, talks about an atheist radio host (Marc Maron? Sam Seder?) and how America is a Christian nation for about 127 minutes; then the eye of God on the dollar bill; then urban warzones; then gay marriers and their un-Godly agenda; then ???; and finally, PROFIT! Nowhere does he actually seem to pray. OH WAIT! He does. For the last 45 seconds of his 11-minute invocation.

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  • nounverb911

    What about the Muslins?

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Hey, hating teh gayz, librul media and urbans is totally non-denominational. Anyone can do it! Coincidentally, though, the people who speak up on that topic generally call themselves Christian while hatin' on those folks. Because Jeezus doesn't luv everyone, people. They heard it on FOX, so it must be true.

  • nounverb911

    Byrd does realize that Jeebus was a member of the "liberal media"?

    • chicken_thief

      Nordic muscular Jesus libel!!!! Badass Jesus will go all Chuck Norris-y on you like he did those money changers if you call him a librul.

    • Tommy1733

      You know who ELSE was a member of the "liberal media"?

  • CivicHoliday

    "I pray for the destruction of all those who do not abide strictly by this particular book" is not at ALL a concerning religious philosophy…unless you are a muslin

  • gullywompr

    Liberals thank the right for alienating homosexuals.

    All your gays are belong to us.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Except those Log Cabin folks. I'll just never figure that group out. They're the Kansas of sexual orientation organizations.

      • dadanarchist

        And the closet cases in Congress.

    • bureaucrap

      Almost. There are still many many many who put their financial self-interest (or perceived/wished for financial interest) ahead of both their civil rights and their self-respect.

      • gullywompr

        Yeah, but nobody wants to fuck them, so they don't count.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Yer gays and yer wimminfolk.

      • gullywompr

        All your babes are belong to us, also too.

    • Tommy1733

      The Christian Right (not and not) are also cranking out a lot more atheists too. I mean how can someone who is looking for a loving God expect to find it in any church attended by or associated with these satans?

    • arihaya

      what about Lindsey Graham? Rick Perry ? and that CPAC boys the other days?

  • realmurkin

    If there is a God, I'm sure (s)he gets really fucking tired of listening to assholes pontificate.

  • memzilla

    Nope. Not gonna click on it. 'Fraid of gettin' a contact hate from this wingtard.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Go ahead. Engage the Eleven Minutes Hate.

  • jodyleek

    A good ol' Southern boy preachin' about the Bah-ble and sinnin' and why the Xtian imaginary space zombie is better than any other imaginary space zombie equals my idea of hell (if I believed in such nonsense, that is).

    • Swampgas_Man

      I KNOW there's a Hell. I lived for twenty years in Oklahoma. Even Salt Lake City was an improvement.

  • DaRooster

    Man, I hate people that hate people.

  • The Flying Spaghetti Monster gets no respect.

    / goes into his best Warren Zevon poor, poor pitiful me sulk

    • proudgrampa

      May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Warren would be singing My Shit's Fucked Up if he was still around to see jerks like that.

  • SexySmurf

    I hate that Keith Urban, too.

    • And that coach, Urban Meyer. But he was Florida anyway.

      • BarackMyWorld

        But not Karl.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Not even Murkan.

  • so he read from the gospel according to The South?

    • FNMA

      No, it was the King Jim-Bob translation of the Bible.

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        "And, lo, Cletus looked upon the engineless camaro on his lawn, and saw that it was good"

  • It almost seems like the more religious you are, the more likely it is that you are also a wingnut. I haz a confuz.

  • Lucidamente1

    I believe his denomination is Orthodox Fucktard.

    • And on the seventh day, God belched.

      • chicken_thief

        And then beat his wife. Because shut the fuck up that's why.

    • PhilippePetain

      Church of Rural Redneck – Dipshit

  • Baconzgood

    I'm not watching all that crap.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      You made the right decision.

      The froth-flecked dipshit needs to "presevere"(sic) with his delivery. Some coherent thought might be nice too, but let's not try to run before we can walk.

    • chicken_thief

      Unfortunately, we've all seen plenty like it before. And even more unfortunately, are likely to see more of it.

  • prommie

    Boogety boogety boogety, amen.

  • Sassomatic

    We can put a man on the moon, but we can't get full-grown adults to stop believing in invisible sky monsters.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Jesus. I thought we didn't allow Christians in the public square (except when there are lions)?? Can we go back to that please?

    One of my childhood friends' hubs is an R in the GA statehouse and she's an artist. Her biggest customers are lesbians who like paintings of their old pick up trucks (I swear to Yaweh this is not a lesbian slam, it is true) I can't see how this could be good for business.

    • You've just given me my perplexing thought of the day. I'm a fan of pickup trucks in general, and have my favorite artists across the genres in particular; but never did it occur to me there existed a niche-market for portraiture of one's aging vehicles~

  • Sassomatic

    You know, I recently went to a session of my state legislature, and found myself extremely uncomfortable as I was subjected to a twenty-minute Christian sermon. What's crazy is that in Turkey, if you were to so much as mention the Koran in a legislative context, they'd throw your ass in jail.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Don't worry: the united, not divider, Erdogan, is working to ensure Turkey goes full Teatard, Anatolian Muslin style.

  • Rev. Tony Byrd of Zebulon

    Damn Zebulese, always screwing up. I can't wait until the strike force from Procyon Alpha kicks their asses.

    • bureaucrap

      Better yet, maybe Nibbler and the Nibblonians will decide that Southern preachers are edible.

  • It seems the biggest problem Christianity has is Christians.

  • SheriffJoeBiden

    "Also, don't eat clams. God doesn't like that either."

  • dadanarchist

    Someone had to say it now that Rev. Pat has turned to weed, blowjobs and Banker Hatin'.

  • SorosBot

    He's in our statehouse, violatin' all our establishment clauses.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      HE ASK FOR PROTECTION FROM JESUS. Shit, man, with Jesus for us, who can be agin' us?

  • ttommyunger

    The horror…..the horror…….

  • neiltheblaze

    If I want to hear some mouth breathing preacher hawking hateful swill, I'll watch the "700 Cub".

    • FakaktaSouth

      I'm with you, but ever since Pat got into legalizing weed and okaying blow jobs for married folks, the 700 club has been all bizarro-700 – ya know when me and Pat can party together even Jesus has gone off the rails.

      • neiltheblaze

        Good point.

        Is Ted Haggart still on the air anyplace?

        • chicken_thief

          I suspect you are asking the wrong group….

  • DetectiveGrey

    I don't really think I'd want to be an angel. Have you ever actually seen one of those things? The only ones people are looking at when they imagine the whole beautiful humanoid winged being cast in God's image are the Seraphim — and even some of those look terrifying. Everything else is kind of a horrifying, feathered, bird-like multi-faced monster. Or some kind of weird inanimate object given life.

    • Angels depicted in the actual scripture, were these flakes to actually read and analyze it, were either a.) disguised as mortals & not immediately recognized by Abraham & Lot & some of those; or b.) awe-provoking and terror-inspiring, like dissolving into a puddle of your own piss mind-bendingly freakworthy. Both kinds are introduced into the given story with primary purpose: messenger. Nowhere is there a description of them having wings, or maybe 1 or 2 instances like in Revelation — point is the Popular Cast of Characters that dominate sermons [Mary; Jesus; John the Baptist] were not looking at winged cherubim but what's been personified by imaginative minds and corrosive playa's past & present into a whole other realm of critter than was intended, i.e. ought've been strictly metaphor or representation of a quality.
      Somewhere I read that the whole 'winged' business arose as a means of depicting the "swiftness" with which a supernatural being like an angel can deliver the word of God to the hearer; it had nothing to do with actual feathered appendages.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Did you ever notice how in the Bible, when ever God needed to punish someone, or make an example, or whenever God needed a killing, he sent an angel? Did you ever wonder what a creature like that must be like? A whole existence spent praising your God, but always with one wing dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?

        An interesting movie.

        • bagofmice


      • chicken_thief

        You seem to really know a lot about angels and shit – thanks for the info! But what do you know about Mary Magdalene? I mean, was she really hot? Did she really put out? If I go to heaven, or where ever she is, is there any chance?…. you know… of happy times with the Lord's old bff? What do you think?

        • I'd say, go for it! Why wait until the afterlife; you could conjure up Mary-Mag's ghost if you're a Mormon; they alone believe that angels are actually spiritual remnants of people who've come & gone).. Maybe the two of you could usher in a new generation of Nephilim sons and daughters — as long as y'all dont' mind becoming the parents of children afflicted with giantism.

          • doloras

            Mormons believe in raising the dead?!? I dated a Mormon once who talked to her mum via ouija board and I never thought that was approved by her religion, any more than the sex we were having.

      • Advn2rgirl

        Right? The first word out of their mouths is usually "Fear not!"

      • horsedreamer_1

        Bloodlet Libel!!!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I thought that was the Eye of Sauron on the dollar.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Naw, it's the Eye of Adam Weishaupt and the Freemasons. We's Watchin' Y'all!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "And please, lord, smite all mine enemies, such as that Ford that cut me off at the Food Lion, as only the faithful drive Chevys."

    • RadioStalingrad

      It's a smitey fine prayer.

  • MissTaken

    Fucking rain is making me pissed. And this doesn't help.

    Will someone please show me wear in the US Constitution is say "Jesus"? I am sick and fucking tired of people claiming we're a "Christian" nation. No you fuckwits, we are not.

    I am so dumping several shots of Jameson in my Shamrock Shake today.

    • Vodka would blend so much more smoothly into the mix.. Imma just saying.

    • prommie

      I fucking hate every god damn fucking thing, too.

    • DetectiveGrey

      I actually had occasion to drink some Jameson last night. I find scotch whiskeys interesting, but I think they benefit heavily from being honeyed and spiced.

    • SorosBot

      But see, the Declaration of Independence says "Creator", which of course means Jesus, and all the founding fathers were Christian (we'll just ignore the fact that many, including Jefferson, where not), and so we know in our hearts they meant this to be a Christian nation, and just the actual text of the Constitution or what any of them said, like "As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion" from the Treaty of Tripoli.

      • bagofmice

        In the gospel of Mark, it states that in the beginning there was the word. Now if you parse that using the evidence of the chains of begating as evidence of a tribal history, then it makes a certain kind of literary sense. In this case, non-spoken trans-generational transfer of collective knowledge. This is why the priest caste was literate, and why in the beginning there was the word.

        • Nothingisamiss

          Well, see, now, that makes everythin' unnerstanable.

  • I denounce Urban too. Keith Urban fucking sucks!

  • eye of God on the dollar bill

    One-eyed was Cyclops, you unlearned figment-prone tool. You don't even know the points of reference of the Greeks, how will you ever convert them to this New Testament of yours!… that was Greek.

    • Chichikovovich

      Well, yeah, but the New Testament was written in Koine Greek, a comparatively rudimentary patois of different dialects that seems to have had its origin in the pidgin Greek that the speakers of different dialects in Alexanders armies worked out to be able to communicate. Very different from the Greek of Hesiod and Homer.

      • Oblios_Cap


  • EatsBabyDingos

    Here is the Chruch
    And here is the Steeple
    Now open the doors
    And slander the People.

  • Pretty ballsy denouncing the "urbans" in their presence. Hopefully the baby Jesus will have his back when Rev. Byrd is jumped after the session.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Haha, EXCEPT there was no such thing as "Judeo-Christian" thinking at the time of the nation's founding; that phrase only came into widespread use during the 20th century Ecumenical movement, and, of course, the Culture Wars. The Colonists pretty much thought Jews were as bad as Quakers, and didn't let 'em sully their fine Christian townships.

    • Swampgas_Man

      As I recall, they didn't much care for Catholics, either.

  • ElPinche

    Unless the preacher farts repeatedly in the video, I ain't watching it.

  • Local_Mojo

    We also need stronger anti-Samaritan laws and guaranteed protection for money-changers.


    • Nothingisamiss


      There's no telling. How could we know that a Samaritan was my neighbor? Who's to decide? How would I find out where Jesus stood on money changers or poor people? The biblez talks about me getting mine and fucking over those who don't agree with me.

      If only Jesus would have said something about poor people, or hookers or something.

  • RadioStalingrad

    What about the urbane?

  • boobookitteh

    11 minutes of hate spewing to 45 seconds of prayer actually sounds like generous ratio for these people.

  • chicken_thief

    Tony's just got a huge chip on his shoulder 'cause he couldn't hit the 3 under pressure like his brother Larry, so got stuck preachin instead of the sweet sweet NBA dollars, hookers, and blow. Don't pay him no mind, he takes it out on everyone….

  • Selfish_T

    And Jesus said, "Go ye therefore, and get all worked up and yell at everybody about whether or not the guys who founded your country a couple centuries ago were really into Christianity or not."

  • proudgrampa

    Not only are we guaranteed freedom of religion, we are guaranteed freedom FROM religion.

    These religio-fascists make me ill.

  • Chichikovovich

    He wasn't talking about "urbans". He was talking about "Urbans". All those popes. Plus the coach of Ohio State. (Which was the only reasonable part of his whole rant IMO.)

    So I suppose he's either anti-Catholic in general, or he's anti-the Crusades, or he's opposed to the geocentric theory of the solar system. I'm guessing it's the first.

    Edit: So it's you Wonketteers who are the real racists.

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Yes, I am a human racist, and I oppose the Lizardpeople.

      • bagofmice


  • C_R_Eature

    I'm not watching that shit because I really can't afford to break any more furniture. And it's gotten too warm to burn it now, anyway.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      I transcribed a portion of it. Enjoy below. You'll LOVE buying new furniture, anyway. Helps stimulate the Chinese and Swedish economies.

      • C_R_Eature

        Thanks! Well, there goes the easy chair. Eh, springs were shot anyway. I'll just have to build another bonfire outside. 'Sokay, keeps the neighbors away.

  • GhostBuggy

    "Zebulon Baptist Church in Toccoa." This all sounds kind of foreign and un-American to me. Kinda REAL foreign and un-American.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    "The truth of the matter is, that we are a nation that has been shaped by the Judeo-Christian ethic found throughout the bible."

    "We are a Christian nation."

    "'Are we a Christian nation?' Well, to answer that question, we must define the question. If being a 'Christian nation' means that everyone is a Christian, then we are not a Christian nation. But if it means that Christianity was the religion of the majority of our nation's founding fathers, and if its influence is undeniably seen in our nation's founding documents, and that Christian ethics and moral codes were accepted as the rule for our social order, then yes, we are a Christian nation."

    Transcribed for your pleasure.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I caught that and thought, "Ah, yes, when you get to use your own definition…."

      Also, too, enjoyed where he quotes W. Penn as writing that only Christians could serve in the gov't. Oy vey, shithead, you can't see the problem with this?

  • What is this Ah Lexis Dee Tokeville he talks about?

    • Oblios_Cap

      A Ron Paul supporter.

  • SoBeach

    Guy sounds like he's on the verge of a stroke.

  • I like the part where he gets irritated because his audience didn't give him an "Amen"…IT'S NOT YOUR CHURCH, NUMB NUTS!!!!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Def a two wet suit kind of a man of God.

  • HelmutNewton

    Y'know, there are time when I wish this Jeebus guy actually existed. Just so he could come back and send all these extremist right-wing bigots straight to Hell.

  • It goes without saying that if something isn't good it's not going to be great.

  • "This is steeel a great nation…"

    "We cain't let this happen…"

    Pidgin English.

  • MadBrahms

    I'm just surprise it was "urbans" rather than "ethnics".

    And Zebulon, is that the planet Prince of Space comes from?

  • Nothingisamiss

    I wouldn't have listened to that all the way through, but my dog had diarrhea and I was cleaning it up.

    Next time silence.

  • owhatever

    Therein, oh Lord, we beseech unto Thee to bring forth and begat the Romans as unto the day of the coming of the first prophesy, er, lost track there, folks. Ultrasound. Amen.

  • I've mentioned this before, but fun fact: The words "heathen" and "pagan" have similar etymologies; both originally meant "rural", and before they garnered their religious connotation, were perjorative terms that effectively meant "hick" and "redneck", back in Roman days.

    When Christianity spread, it became most popular as an underground movement in the cities, and it was only then that the word used for non-cosmopolitan, non-urban, unsophisticates, became synonymous with non-Christians. So in a way…

    Oh wait. When this guy said "urbans", he meant "black people", didn't he? Yeah, in that case, never mind. Fuck this guy.

  • So he was using the government to push his deviant lifestyle choices onto decent folk. Should I pretend really hard to act surprised?

  • J.M.

    A quick web search shows that most of Byrd's speech was ** plagarized WORD FOR WORD **, as it can be found on several sites, including a site called

    He even followed their instructions at one point to: "(Insert current examples for concern. Such as Abortion, Gay Marriage, Education, etc.)"

    Here's the original, dated 2009:

  • I thank God I am not a Georgia legislator who had to listen to this shit.

  • FieryLocks

    Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…
    What part of this do these clowns not understand…seriously?
    You fucking lunatics WILL NOT take over America!

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