SUCK IT SAM SEDER  11:24 am March 16, 2012

Morning Invocation at Georgia Statehouse Denounces Gays, Liberals, ‘Urbans’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Isn’t that funny, the Wonkette tipline today contains two (2) examples of preachers getting all jiggy in their supposedly neutral morning prayers at various statehouses. Hey Kansas, ‘sup? Heard you suck, but only Georgia sent video. First, this very gentle and mellow man, Rev. Tony Byrd of Zebulon Baptist Church in Toccoa, who appeared at the invitation of Rep. Michael Harden, talks about an atheist radio host (Marc Maron? Sam Seder?) and how America is a Christian nation for about 127 minutes; then the eye of God on the dollar bill; then urban warzones; then gay marriers and their un-Godly agenda; then ???; and finally, PROFIT! Nowhere does he actually seem to pray. OH WAIT! He does. For the last 45 seconds of his 11-minute invocation.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 124 comments }

nounverb911 March 16, 2012 at 11:27 am

What about the Muslins?

gullywompr March 16, 2012 at 11:37 am

And sluts! How could he overlook them? Maybe he didn't, but there's no way I'm gonna open that video to listen to that drivel.

actor212 March 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

Gays, Liberals, Urbans, Muslins, Sluts.

That spells GLUMS

gullywompr March 16, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Work out how to make it spell Muggles, and you've got yerself a new meme.

bagofmice March 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Metropolitan Urban Guns Gays Lesbians Esoteric Sluts

CogitoErgoBibo March 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

Hey, hating teh gayz, librul media and urbans is totally non-denominational. Anyone can do it! Coincidentally, though, the people who speak up on that topic generally call themselves Christian while hatin' on those folks. Because Jeezus doesn't luv everyone, people. They heard it on FOX, so it must be true.

SorosBot March 16, 2012 at 11:42 am

Well of course Jesus doesn't love everyone; he doesn't love anyone, 'cause he's dead, and has no thoughts or feelings any longer.

actor212 March 16, 2012 at 11:45 am

I am not!

Now where are those meds that make me feel all sleepy and not stabby…

nounverb911 March 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

Byrd does realize that Jeebus was a member of the "liberal media"?

chicken_thief March 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Nordic muscular Jesus libel!!!! Badass Jesus will go all Chuck Norris-y on you like he did those money changers if you call him a librul.

Tommy1733 March 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm

You know who ELSE was a member of the "liberal media"?

CivicHoliday March 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

"I pray for the destruction of all those who do not abide strictly by this particular book" is not at ALL a concerning religious philosophy…unless you are a muslin

gullywompr March 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

Liberals thank the right for alienating homosexuals.

All your gays are belong to us.

CogitoErgoBibo March 16, 2012 at 11:37 am

Except those Log Cabin folks. I'll just never figure that group out. They're the Kansas of sexual orientation organizations.

dadanarchist March 16, 2012 at 11:41 am

And the closet cases in Congress.

bureaucrap March 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Almost. There are still many many many who put their financial self-interest (or perceived/wished for financial interest) ahead of both their civil rights and their self-respect.

gullywompr March 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Yeah, but nobody wants to fuck them, so they don't count.

Swampgas_Man March 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Yer gays and yer wimminfolk.

gullywompr March 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

All your babes are belong to us, also too.

Tommy1733 March 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm

The Christian Right (not and not) are also cranking out a lot more atheists too. I mean how can someone who is looking for a loving God expect to find it in any church attended by or associated with these satans?

arihaya March 16, 2012 at 5:00 pm

what about Lindsey Graham? Rick Perry ? and that CPAC boys the other days?

realmurkin March 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

If there is a God, I'm sure (s)he gets really fucking tired of listening to assholes pontificate.

memzilla March 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

Nope. Not gonna click on it. 'Fraid of gettin' a contact hate from this wingtard.

KeepFnThatChicken March 16, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Go ahead. Engage the Eleven Minutes Hate.

jodyleek March 16, 2012 at 11:32 am

A good ol' Southern boy preachin' about the Bah-ble and sinnin' and why the Xtian imaginary space zombie is better than any other imaginary space zombie equals my idea of hell (if I believed in such nonsense, that is).

Swampgas_Man March 16, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I KNOW there's a Hell. I lived for twenty years in Oklahoma. Even Salt Lake City was an improvement.

DaRooster March 16, 2012 at 11:32 am

Man, I hate people that hate people.

weej_bain March 16, 2012 at 11:33 am

The Flying Spaghetti Monster gets no respect.

/ goes into his best Warren Zevon poor, poor pitiful me sulk

proudgrampa March 16, 2012 at 12:14 pm

May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

Oblios_Cap March 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Warren would be singing My Shit's Fucked Up if he was still around to see jerks like that.

SexySmurf March 16, 2012 at 11:33 am

I hate that Keith Urban, too.

actor212 March 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

And that coach, Urban Meyer. But he was Florida anyway.

BarackMyWorld March 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm

But not Karl.

horsedreamer_1 March 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Not even Murkan.

Gratuitous World March 16, 2012 at 11:35 am

so he read from the gospel according to The South?

FNMA March 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

No, it was the King Jim-Bob translation of the Bible.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 16, 2012 at 11:56 am

"And, lo, Cletus looked upon the engineless camaro on his lawn, and saw that it was good"

Sharkey March 16, 2012 at 11:35 am

It almost seems like the more religious you are, the more likely it is that you are also a wingnut. I haz a confuz.

Lucidamente1 March 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

I believe his denomination is Orthodox Fucktard.

actor212 March 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

And on the seventh day, God belched.

chicken_thief March 16, 2012 at 12:48 pm

And then beat his wife. Because shut the fuck up that's why.

PhilippePetain March 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Church of Rural Redneck – Dipshit

Baconzgood March 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

I'm not watching all that crap.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 16, 2012 at 11:40 am

You made the right decision.

The froth-flecked dipshit needs to "presevere"(sic) with his delivery. Some coherent thought might be nice too, but let's not try to run before we can walk.

chicken_thief March 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Unfortunately, we've all seen plenty like it before. And even more unfortunately, are likely to see more of it.

prommie March 16, 2012 at 11:37 am

Boogety boogety boogety, amen.

Sassomatic March 16, 2012 at 11:38 am

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't get full-grown adults to stop believing in invisible sky monsters.

FakaktaSouth March 16, 2012 at 11:40 am

Jesus. I thought we didn't allow Christians in the public square (except when there are lions)?? Can we go back to that please?

One of my childhood friends' hubs is an R in the GA statehouse and she's an artist. Her biggest customers are lesbians who like paintings of their old pick up trucks (I swear to Yaweh this is not a lesbian slam, it is true) I can't see how this could be good for business.

Mumbletypeg March 16, 2012 at 11:51 am

You've just given me my perplexing thought of the day. I'm a fan of pickup trucks in general, and have my favorite artists across the genres in particular; but never did it occur to me there existed a niche-market for portraiture of one's aging vehicles~

Sassomatic March 16, 2012 at 11:41 am

You know, I recently went to a session of my state legislature, and found myself extremely uncomfortable as I was subjected to a twenty-minute Christian sermon. What's crazy is that in Turkey, if you were to so much as mention the Koran in a legislative context, they'd throw your ass in jail.

horsedreamer_1 March 18, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Don't worry: the united, not divider, Erdogan, is working to ensure Turkey goes full Teatard, Anatolian Muslin style.

actor212 March 16, 2012 at 11:42 am

Rev. Tony Byrd of Zebulon

Damn Zebulese, always screwing up. I can't wait until the strike force from Procyon Alpha kicks their asses.

bureaucrap March 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Better yet, maybe Nibbler and the Nibblonians will decide that Southern preachers are edible.

ManchuCandidate March 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

It seems the biggest problem Christianity has is Christians.

SheriffJoeBiden March 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

"Also, don't eat clams. God doesn't like that either."

dadanarchist March 16, 2012 at 11:45 am

Someone had to say it now that Rev. Pat has turned to weed, blowjobs and Banker Hatin'.

SorosBot March 16, 2012 at 11:46 am

He's in our statehouse, violatin' all our establishment clauses.

KeepFnThatChicken March 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

HE ASK FOR PROTECTION FROM JESUS. Shit, man, with Jesus for us, who can be agin' us?

ttommyunger March 16, 2012 at 11:50 am

The horror…..the horror…….

neiltheblaze March 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

If I want to hear some mouth breathing preacher hawking hateful swill, I'll watch the "700 Cub".

FakaktaSouth March 16, 2012 at 11:58 am

I'm with you, but ever since Pat got into legalizing weed and okaying blow jobs for married folks, the 700 club has been all bizarro-700 – ya know when me and Pat can party together even Jesus has gone off the rails.

neiltheblaze March 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Good point.

Is Ted Haggart still on the air anyplace?

chicken_thief March 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I suspect you are asking the wrong group….

DetectiveGrey March 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

I don't really think I'd want to be an angel. Have you ever actually seen one of those things? The only ones people are looking at when they imagine the whole beautiful humanoid winged being cast in God's image are the Seraphim — and even some of those look terrifying. Everything else is kind of a horrifying, feathered, bird-like multi-faced monster. Or some kind of weird inanimate object given life.

Mumbletypeg March 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Angels depicted in the actual scripture, were these flakes to actually read and analyze it, were either a.) disguised as mortals & not immediately recognized by Abraham & Lot & some of those; or b.) awe-provoking and terror-inspiring, like dissolving into a puddle of your own piss mind-bendingly freakworthy. Both kinds are introduced into the given story with primary purpose: messenger. Nowhere is there a description of them having wings, or maybe 1 or 2 instances like in Revelation — point is the Popular Cast of Characters that dominate sermons [Mary; Jesus; John the Baptist] were not looking at winged cherubim but what's been personified by imaginative minds and corrosive playa's past & present into a whole other realm of critter than was intended, i.e. ought've been strictly metaphor or representation of a quality.
Somewhere I read that the whole 'winged' business arose as a means of depicting the "swiftness" with which a supernatural being like an angel can deliver the word of God to the hearer; it had nothing to do with actual feathered appendages.

Oblios_Cap March 16, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Did you ever notice how in the Bible, when ever God needed to punish someone, or make an example, or whenever God needed a killing, he sent an angel? Did you ever wonder what a creature like that must be like? A whole existence spent praising your God, but always with one wing dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?

An interesting movie.

bagofmice March 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Sephiroth!

chicken_thief March 16, 2012 at 1:05 pm

You seem to really know a lot about angels and shit – thanks for the info! But what do you know about Mary Magdalene? I mean, was she really hot? Did she really put out? If I go to heaven, or where ever she is, is there any chance?…. you know… of happy times with the Lord's old bff? What do you think?

Mumbletypeg March 16, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I'd say, go for it! Why wait until the afterlife; you could conjure up Mary-Mag's ghost if you're a Mormon; they alone believe that angels are actually spiritual remnants of people who've come & gone).. Maybe the two of you could usher in a new generation of Nephilim sons and daughters — as long as y'all dont' mind becoming the parents of children afflicted with giantism.

doloras March 16, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Mormons believe in raising the dead?!? I dated a Mormon once who talked to her mum via ouija board and I never thought that was approved by her religion, any more than the sex we were having.

Advn2rgirl March 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Right? The first word out of their mouths is usually "Fear not!"

horsedreamer_1 March 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Bloodlet Libel!!!

EatsBabyDingos March 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

I thought that was the Eye of Sauron on the dollar.

Swampgas_Man March 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Naw, it's the Eye of Adam Weishaupt and the Freemasons. We's Watchin' Y'all!

EatsBabyDingos March 16, 2012 at 11:55 am

"And please, lord, smite all mine enemies, such as that Ford that cut me off at the Food Lion, as only the faithful drive Chevys."

RadioStalingrad March 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

It's a smitey fine prayer.

MissTaken March 16, 2012 at 11:56 am

Fucking rain is making me pissed. And this doesn't help.

Will someone please show me wear in the US Constitution is say "Jesus"? I am sick and fucking tired of people claiming we're a "Christian" nation. No you fuckwits, we are not.

I am so dumping several shots of Jameson in my Shamrock Shake today.

Maman March 16, 2012 at 11:59 am

Vodka would blend so much more smoothly into the mix.. Imma just saying.

prommie March 16, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I fucking hate every god damn fucking thing, too.

DetectiveGrey March 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I actually had occasion to drink some Jameson last night. I find scotch whiskeys interesting, but I think they benefit heavily from being honeyed and spiced.

SorosBot March 16, 2012 at 12:14 pm

But see, the Declaration of Independence says "Creator", which of course means Jesus, and all the founding fathers were Christian (we'll just ignore the fact that many, including Jefferson, where not), and so we know in our hearts they meant this to be a Christian nation, and just the actual text of the Constitution or what any of them said, like "As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion" from the Treaty of Tripoli.

bagofmice March 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm

In the gospel of Mark, it states that in the beginning there was the word. Now if you parse that using the evidence of the chains of begating as evidence of a tribal history, then it makes a certain kind of literary sense. In this case, non-spoken trans-generational transfer of collective knowledge. This is why the priest caste was literate, and why in the beginning there was the word.

Nothingisamiss March 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Well, see, now, that makes everythin' unnerstanable.

Chillatte March 16, 2012 at 11:57 am

I denounce Urban too. Keith Urban fucking sucks!

Mumbletypeg March 16, 2012 at 11:57 am

eye of God on the dollar bill

One-eyed was Cyclops, you unlearned figment-prone tool. You don't even know the points of reference of the Greeks, how will you ever convert them to this New Testament of yours!… that was written..in Greek.

Chichikovovich March 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Well, yeah, but the New Testament was written in Koine Greek, a comparatively rudimentary patois of different dialects that seems to have had its origin in the pidgin Greek that the speakers of different dialects in Alexanders armies worked out to be able to communicate. Very different from the Greek of Hesiod and Homer.

Oblios_Cap March 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Elitist!

EatsBabyDingos March 16, 2012 at 11:57 am

Here is the Chruch
And here is the Steeple
Now open the doors
And slander the People.

Maman March 16, 2012 at 11:58 am

Pretty ballsy denouncing the "urbans" in their presence. Hopefully the baby Jesus will have his back when Rev. Byrd is jumped after the session.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 16, 2012 at 11:58 am

Haha, EXCEPT there was no such thing as "Judeo-Christian" thinking at the time of the nation's founding; that phrase only came into widespread use during the 20th century Ecumenical movement, and, of course, the Culture Wars. The Colonists pretty much thought Jews were as bad as Quakers, and didn't let 'em sully their fine Christian townships.

Swampgas_Man March 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

As I recall, they didn't much care for Catholics, either.

ElPinche March 16, 2012 at 11:59 am

Unless the preacher farts repeatedly in the video, I ain't watching it.

Local_Mojo March 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

We also need stronger anti-Samaritan laws and guaranteed protection for money-changers.

WTFWJD?

Nothingisamiss March 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"WTFWJD?"

There's no telling. How could we know that a Samaritan was my neighbor? Who's to decide? How would I find out where Jesus stood on money changers or poor people? The biblez talks about me getting mine and fucking over those who don't agree with me.

If only Jesus would have said something about poor people, or hookers or something.

RadioStalingrad March 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm

What about the urbane?

boobookitteh March 16, 2012 at 12:05 pm

11 minutes of hate spewing to 45 seconds of prayer actually sounds like generous ratio for these people.

chicken_thief March 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Tony's just got a huge chip on his shoulder 'cause he couldn't hit the 3 under pressure like his brother Larry, so got stuck preachin instead of the sweet sweet NBA dollars, hookers, and blow. Don't pay him no mind, he takes it out on everyone….

Selfish_T March 16, 2012 at 12:19 pm

And Jesus said, "Go ye therefore, and get all worked up and yell at everybody about whether or not the guys who founded your country a couple centuries ago were really into Christianity or not."

proudgrampa March 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Not only are we guaranteed freedom of religion, we are guaranteed freedom FROM religion.

These religio-fascists make me ill.

Chichikovovich March 16, 2012 at 12:23 pm

He wasn't talking about "urbans". He was talking about "Urbans". All those popes. Plus the coach of Ohio State. (Which was the only reasonable part of his whole rant IMO.)

So I suppose he's either anti-Catholic in general, or he's anti-the Crusades, or he's opposed to the geocentric theory of the solar system. I'm guessing it's the first.

Edit: So it's you Wonketteers who are the real racists.

EatsBabyDingos March 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Yes, I am a human racist, and I oppose the Lizardpeople.

bagofmice March 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm

LIZARD LIBEL!

C_R_Eature March 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I'm not watching that shit because I really can't afford to break any more furniture. And it's gotten too warm to burn it now, anyway.

KeepFnThatChicken March 16, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I transcribed a portion of it. Enjoy below. You'll LOVE buying new furniture, anyway. Helps stimulate the Chinese and Swedish economies.

C_R_Eature March 16, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Thanks! Well, there goes the easy chair. Eh, springs were shot anyway. I'll just have to build another bonfire outside. 'Sokay, keeps the neighbors away.

GhostBuggy March 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"Zebulon Baptist Church in Toccoa." This all sounds kind of foreign and un-American to me. Kinda REAL foreign and un-American.

KeepFnThatChicken March 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm

"The truth of the matter is, that we are a nation that has been shaped by the Judeo-Christian ethic found throughout the bible."

"We are a Christian nation."

"'Are we a Christian nation?' Well, to answer that question, we must define the question. If being a 'Christian nation' means that everyone is a Christian, then we are not a Christian nation. But if it means that Christianity was the religion of the majority of our nation's founding fathers, and if its influence is undeniably seen in our nation's founding documents, and that Christian ethics and moral codes were accepted as the rule for our social order, then yes, we are a Christian nation."

Transcribed for your pleasure.

Nothingisamiss March 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I caught that and thought, "Ah, yes, when you get to use your own definition…."

Also, too, enjoyed where he quotes W. Penn as writing that only Christians could serve in the gov't. Oy vey, shithead, you can't see the problem with this?

Lit Happens March 16, 2012 at 12:48 pm

What is this Ah Lexis Dee Tokeville he talks about?

Oblios_Cap March 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

A Ron Paul supporter.

SoBeach March 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Guy sounds like he's on the verge of a stroke.

imissopus March 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I like the part where he gets irritated because his audience didn't give him an "Amen"…IT'S NOT YOUR CHURCH, NUMB NUTS!!!!

PuckStopsHere March 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Def a two wet suit kind of a man of God.

HelmutNewton March 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Y'know, there are time when I wish this Jeebus guy actually existed. Just so he could come back and send all these extremist right-wing bigots straight to Hell.

johnnyzhivago March 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

It goes without saying that if something isn't good it's not going to be great.

donner_froh March 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm

"This is steeel a great nation…"

"We cain't let this happen…"

Pidgin English.

MadBrahms March 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I'm just surprise it was "urbans" rather than "ethnics".

And Zebulon, is that the planet Prince of Space comes from?

Nothingisamiss March 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I wouldn't have listened to that all the way through, but my dog had diarrhea and I was cleaning it up.

Next time silence.

owhatever March 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Therein, oh Lord, we beseech unto Thee to bring forth and begat the Romans as unto the day of the coming of the first prophesy, er, lost track there, folks. Ultrasound. Amen.

Deportably_Jose March 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I've mentioned this before, but fun fact: The words "heathen" and "pagan" have similar etymologies; both originally meant "rural", and before they garnered their religious connotation, were perjorative terms that effectively meant "hick" and "redneck", back in Roman days.

When Christianity spread, it became most popular as an underground movement in the cities, and it was only then that the word used for non-cosmopolitan, non-urban, unsophisticates, became synonymous with non-Christians. So in a way…

Oh wait. When this guy said "urbans", he meant "black people", didn't he? Yeah, in that case, never mind. Fuck this guy.

glamourdammerung March 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

So he was using the government to push his deviant lifestyle choices onto decent folk. Should I pretend really hard to act surprised?

J.M. March 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

A quick web search shows that most of Byrd's speech was ** plagarized WORD FOR WORD **, as it can be found on several sites, including a site called SermonCentral.com.

He even followed their instructions at one point to: "(Insert current examples for concern. Such as Abortion, Gay Marriage, Education, etc.)"

Here's the original, dated 2009: http://www.sermoncentral.com/sermons/is-america-a

MarionNYNY March 16, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I thank God I am not a Georgia legislator who had to listen to this shit.

FieryLocks March 16, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…
What part of this do these clowns not understand…seriously?
You fucking lunatics WILL NOT take over America!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: