Bristol Palin has a blog, you guys, and for serious we are so jealous! It is super exciting and insightful and intimate and well-written and she promises lots of neat stuff, like maybe a picture of Tripp with a mohawk, if you are very very good and buy her book and watch her show and watch her other show and go see her lectures on inspirationalism and how to become a grandmother by 30. Now, you might think the following posts are illiterate enough to have been written by Bristol herself, but as the godless heathens at ImmoralMinority point out, the posts were originally signed by longtime Palin apparatchik Nancy French, who was all whoopsie, nah nah nah mang, I was just showing her how to use WordPress.
Now, I’m mom trying to make a good life for a rambunctious little boy who loves to play hockey and ride on the snow machine. Over the past few years, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve learned some lessons, and I’m trying to be a good mom. After a few years of entering the public conversation in a very dramatic fashion, we’re doing well. We have a “fixer-upper” in Alaska which I’m remodeling, and we’re trying to forge a life for ourselves.
As you can tell, I’ve also decided to write a blog. Here I’d love to keep a record of the things that happen in my life and also to share them with my far-flung friends. Wasilla is my home, of course, but so many of you showed support to me as I struggled with a pregnancy I hadn’t planned, supported my mother when she ran for Vice President, voted for me when I was on Dancing with the Stars, and snatched up my book to make it a best seller. It’s been my privilege to get to know some of you – on the campaign trail, on my book tour, and even on Facebook. I hope you consider this blog a way for you to be a part of my life in Alaska without having to put on more layers, buy hand warmers, or wear boots!
Here on Lake Lucille, life is thankfully more ordinary than it has been the past few years. If you’d like to share in our lives by following my new blog, leave a comment below to automatically receive a weekly e-zine with my best entries! (Also, if you haven’t already, fan me on Facebook!) I’m thinking of posting a photo of Tripp with a Mohawk, doing some very fun giveaways, and maybe even comment on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.
Here is another blog, on the HBO Sarah Palin documentary Game Change.
Game Change
I didn’t watch the HBO film Game Change, but it seems that reasonable people of all political stripes can see how terrible our family was treated by the political staffers who were supposed to be helping us. (Have you ever considered Mom could tell that the people surrounding her were exactly the type of people who would betray her?)
Whatever happened to loyalty?
And, by the way, Mom… I think you’re more beautiful than any of your impersonators!
We can all see how terrible your family was treated, young miss! And also that your mother, former halfterm governor/iceroad trucker Sarah Palin was just too darned smart for those dumb campaign monkeys, saw right through ‘em, and is in general an exalted goddess of sanity, self-awareness and mental health also too.
Bristol Palin’s Mommy Blog Verdict: needz moar recipes!
Ingredients you’ll need: two Taco Bell Enchilada Supremes. Mountain Dew.
Open the Taco Bell Enchilada Supremes. Eat them. Give the baby the Mountain Dew.
[Bristol's blog, via ImmoralMinority]
{ 187 comments }
This is all very hilarious except for the Tripp with a mohawk part,
which I'm certain Bristol is deadly serious about.
ETA:
Holy freakin' hell, I jumped the gun — she totally intends to do it.
I can no longer tell what's a joke and what's fer-serious in this country, anymore.
Shouldn't that giving a kid that kind of haircut qualify as child abuse? (See also: rat tails and mullets).
You know, of course, that that baby's father and grandfathers have all sported big old mullets at several points in each of their lives. They're just classy that way.
Ah, rednecks, will you never learn?
No; no they will never, ever learn.
Business in the front, party in the back. A motto to live by.
Here's my rule of thumb:
Anything involving a Palin – totally a joke. (Yes, including Michael.)
Anything involving a Kardashian – deadly serious.
I'll admit it's not foolproof.
Pray to the FSM that the two families don't decide to merge!
Welcome to Poe Nation
This is apparently A Thing now, for some reason. I saw a woman with a c. 4 year old boy with a full-on Mohawk walking around DC yesterday. I will go out on a limb and guess that they were tourists, possibly from Alaska.
Not just Alaska – somehow that onetime sign of punk rebellion has become redneck cool, replacing the high and tight and mullet as one of the mini-monsters' favorite styles. (Slightly more concerned parents go with the stupid fauxhawk, which is probably what Bristol the Idiot is speaking of). Along with Tapout t-shirts and biker themed wear. Sort of the starter set that winds up with a trailer, a tribal arm band tattoo, and two babies no one is absolutely sure who fathered.
Of course I live in Portland, where the kids get fitted with ear plugs (not rings) at age 3 and many also sport wild and wacky hair in an effort to find out just how far they can push their "super tolerant"/enabling parents.
what do they call that hairdo that's shaved below eyebrow level and long and floppy up top — you know, the kind they toss out of their eyes (stabby) — or does that even have a name?
Crap! How can I say anything more riduculouserer than a Palin ?
is Mommy Blog the new PC term for FUPA?
Considering that we're morphing into a mommy-blog, you might want to be more…circumspect here.
I had no idea Mommyblogs contained so many references to Teh Buttsechs.
Well, what with contraceptives being *evil* and all…
Dan Savage said he was gonna hold a contest to name Teh Buttsechs since all the Xtian kids (who don't get any sex ed) were now using it as a form of contraception. Those Xtian gals will be anally incontinent by 35, at the rate the kids are going.
Do you know if anyone won that contest? I'm trying to keep my InterToobz access to a minimum here because bandwidth. Oh, yeah, and I just read this morning that a jury found Dharun Ravi guilty in the Tyler Clementi case this morning so yay.
"Mommyblogs contained so many references to Teh Buttsechs."
What th–??
I thought that was "business in the front, party in the back".
I hope you consider this blog a way for you to be a part of my life in Alaska without having to put on more layers, buy hand warmers, or wear boots!
Hey idiot – there are a lot of states in the Union that get cold and snowy at a point in the year that we call "winter."
OT, but is it pronounced "slithytoves" or "slithytoves"?
"slthytoves," but then you probably already guessed that…
No, no, no, only Alaska has snow, cold, blizzards, etc. Just ask a Palin!
Wasilla's average snowfall is 50 inches. Same source (Wikipedia!) has my town getting an average of 208 inches of snowfall a year. We get so much snow around here, we even have a snowfall thermometer: http://www.pasty.com/snow/index.html
So suck it, sissypants Wasillans. Around here, people need boots and stilts in the winter!
This disproves global warming.
this is true. here in chicago we are having our third straight day of los angeles weather – and it's supposed to keep up for the next two weeks.
but hey! it's a just cyclical weather patterns!
If she wants to feel bad about being mistreated, have her post something here on Wonkette. We'll comment her into submission.
I come here , mainly, for the punishment and sex.
And you get both at the same time!
For some of us, that's one and the same.
Or so I've been told.
What a feast!!
Proving sheep can be taught to type.
We can leave comments on her blog? Hmmm…….
"Whatever happened to loyalty?" I dunno, Brisdull. Ask your daddy and his buddies who want to make Alaska into a new and separate nation.
Could we let them? There's nothing of value to lose.
Howz about the 2 together?
TexAlaska?
The Talibunnie said that Tawd joined the AIP by mistake because Tawd is SOOOOOOOOOO stupid he thought he was registering as an independent!
Silly, silly Tawd.
Bristol used the word "rambunctious"?—I don't think so . And what happened to her sprawltopian McMansion in "Phoenix"?
Left that to film a reality show in Hollywood, only to continue the family tradition of quitting once someone didn't shower her with love and affection. Now reportedly lives in "her own apartment" in the Palin compound – you know, like when Richie Cunningham "moved out" to his parents' garage.
Well franchised, Griftette Junior… well franchised.
needz moar recipes!
The one recipe she's got is for meth.
But it is considered the best in Wasilla!
"The classiest, most luxurious meth available" – D. Trump
It's an old family recipe, handed down from her grandma.
Actually, from Levi's mother.
They all begin "One gallon of your favorite wine cooler," including the recipe for Tripp ala tundra.
Gretchen Carlson provides the Sudafed.
Won the Blue Ribbon at the State Fair!
TL;DR
TG;DBIWB
(Too grammatical, didn't believe it was Bristol)
The basic rule behind wordpress is just like any other computer program: garbage in, garbage out.
You know who else is an unemployable blogger?
Breitbart?
And his bloggers, now at BigUnemploymentChecks.com
I hope that Sherrod sells the domain names to an interracial gay porn site after she wins the lawsuit.
Breitbart?
The Westboro Baptist Church?
Jesus, not Jack. Please, God, don't let it be Jack!
Not Rebecca. She's awesome.
Me?
Ken Layne?
The Dunning Kreuger Chip doesn't fall far from the Dunning Kreuger Iceberg
Sorry Bristol, but Julianne Moore > Tina Fey > Lisa Ann >>> Tattoo Lips.
No; Tina Fey >>Julianne Moore; them's fightin' words there.
I have a weakness for redheads.
Oh no. Julianne Moore as Amber Waves gives her an automatic +100 bonus on the hotness meter.
Sara Benincasa, y'all.
I'm looking forward to Bristol's ideas on 5 minute meals, scrapbooking and birth control.
Whatever happened to loyalty?
With the Palins, whatever happened to reality??
"Game Change, blah, blah, blah….Whatever happened to loyalty?"
She meant "royalties." Bitches gots to get paid!
I'll just leave this here.
OMG!
This is a thing that really exists? Ugh; another thing to make one hate humanity.
Hmm. The book's written by a plastic surgeon, and the surgeon in the book looks like Superman. Mary Sue much, Dr. Salzhauer?
Yeah, I love how the "doctor" is a roided out, he-man super hero.
(I think doc has LOTS of issues.)
IT was OK, but I preferred "Mommy Has Two New Tits."
The second volume, "Daddy Has Two New Tits, Also" could help little ones understand a lot.
Oh, fer fucks sake.
What's next?
"My Thin Mommy. A book to help children come to terms with their mother's anorexia"?
"Mommy used to be pretty. Then I lived in Mommy's tummy before I got born. Now Mommy looks yucky."
*waits for money to roll in*
Palins: Truly America's new Royal Family.
Royal Pain in the Ass family.
Or rather, America's new Aristocrats.
Just what the exceptionalst country deserves.
Finally, the brains rule.
The mohawk is is so that they can claim tribal relation to the Mohawk tribe and extend the scope of the family grifting.
Who?
It might be a lot more interesting if her mother had a blog. Wait, no it wouldn't.
Well, about time!
Oxford commas, my ass.
Elitist punctuation!
Good catch. Somebody is literate. Wonder who?
Vampire Weekend? Nay! 30 Days of Nite!
Have you ever considered Mom could tell that the people surrounding her were exactly the type of people who would betray her?
Have you ever oonsidered why this seems to be a recurring theme/complaint/excuse in her life?
It's a little thing called paranoid schizophrenia.
Also borderline personality disorder.
You should ask that question in the comment section of her blog.
Clearly, Saint Sarah was Stabbed In The Back!!!
Lots of people have asked Bristol to tell them about her mother, but none have done so in a therapeutic capacity yet.
Entitlement mentality?
When I am appointed to implement ethnic cleansing in this great land, my first action will be to get my hands on the subscriber list for a weekly e-zine for fans of Bristol Palin.
We've just got too much airspace to fill here in America…way too much….it's like lowering the high jump bar so that the wheelchairs can roll over….
We've just got too much airspace to fill here in America…way too much….it's like lowering the high jump bar so that the
wheelchairsHoveRounds can roll over….(fixed)
We have waaaaaaay too much bandwidth dedicated to analog signals. Seriously, no error correction, no packet switching. It's so primitive.
The Palins have pretty much used up the clock. Come on, you assholes, the novelty has worn off and you have no redeeming qualities, so go bark at the moon.
Wait- Did you say a Mommy Blog? Oh, well then….
(Have you ever considered Mom could tell that the people surrounding her were exactly the type of people who would betray her?)
And she went along with them anyway? Doesn't… doesn't that make her even stupider?
Pics of her riding that ice sculpture or gtfo.
Translated by the Grift-O-Matic 2000™:
[redacted] Over the past few years, I’ve made grifting mistakes, I’ve learned some lessons in grifting, and I’m trying to be a good grifter. After a few years of grifting the public conversation in a very griftastic fashion, we’re doing well. We have a “grifter-upper” in Alaska which I’m regrifting, and we’re trying to grift a life for ourselves.
As you can tell, I’ve also decided to write a griftblog. Here I’d love to keep a record of the grifts that happen in my life and also to share them with my far-flung grifter friends. Wasilla is my home, of course, but so many of you [redacted]… supported my mother when she ran for Grift President, voted for me when I was on Grifting with the Stars, and snatched up my griftbook to make it a best grifter. It’s been my privilege to get to grift some of you – on the grifting trail, on my book grift, and even on Griftbook. I hope you consider this griftblog a way for you to be a part of my grifting in Alaska without having to put on more layers, buy hand warmers, or wear boots!
Here on Lake Lucille, the grifting life is thankfully more ordinary than it has been the past few years. If you’d like to share in our grifts by following my new griftblog, leave a comment below to automatically receive a weekly grift-zine with my best grifts! (Also, if you haven’t already, fan me on Griftbook!) I’m thinking of [redacted]… doing some very fun griftaways, and maybe even comment on the next season of Grifting with the Stars.
I would visit her blog but I fear no amount of cache clearing would make my hard drive clean again.
Seriously, you'd be getting pop-ups for liposuction and flavored wine coolers for the next ten years.
Her book was a bestseller? Regnery Publishing bought a few thousand copies that they now can't get rid of – which means they're probably mildewing next to cartons of "America By Heart" in a trailer next to a landfill in New Jersey somewhere.
The fact that the book sold two copies makes it a bestseller'
That is two more books than she has read.
Break the cycle, Bristol! You do NOT have to become a fame whore, just because your mother is…
oops; too late.
A public conversation would mean that Bristol listened to something we said. That capability is not in the Palin family gene. It was replaced by the LOOK AT ME gene.
She certainly writes well, for someone who is too stupid to even use contraception.
Whatever happened to Baby Jane, also too.
The "I am not a bad person, I am the perfect example of how well a kid having a kid out of wedlock can go" PR talk is disgusting and straight out her mother's playbook. Shame? Anyone? (Not for being a sex whore, but a look at me whore, gimme money whore) The only way this could be worse is if Sarah read it to me with her strangled goat inflection.
If she'd only had a mommy, she probably wouldn't need a mommy blog.
Who needs a mommy when you have a stage manager instead?
"the past few years, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve learned some lessons, and I’m trying to be a good mom."
Cue "We are the Champions"
Freddie Mercury is spinning in his grave.
I can't help but think that this is Obama's fault. Time to IMPEACH!
Back in the day, there were only two Ape suits in Hollywood. These two guys had the only Ape Suits. They were terrible looking Ape suits, but these Guys were good at playing Apes and were in in every movie that called for an Ape.
I read that in Grampa Simpson's voice.
Say, you know which other right-wing political nutjob believed they were surrounded by people who betrayed him… ?
Forrest Whitaker.
This movie saddened me. Mostly 'cause I would learn, three years hence from release, I would never stack up to be the hot dish that is James Mc Avoy. (But, I still love you, Jessica.)
Dick Nixon?
General Jack Ripper?
Vladimir Putin?
Hmmm…. give me a hint. Did this person have a theory, as Sarah! and Bristol do, that the failures and setbacks experienced by him and people like him came about because the betrayers had "stabbed them in the back"?
Oh you're so close! Extra points if you can guess which "persuasion" he said they all had in common!
Damn – I totally know this. But I'm just so foggy this morning… I remember something about hating people who were… um… "bluish", I think. Could that be right? This person had some kind of paranoia about Smurfs? I'd better have another cup of coffee and keep thinking it over. I'm sure it'll come to me.
Captain Bligh?
Captain Queeg?
Ahh, but the strawberries that's… that's where I had them
Jesus?
Julius Caesar?
David Miscavige?
I had to ask the Lord Jesus to help me find the strength not to sign up for comments at Bristol's mommy blog; how long I could go before tripping Nancy French's troll detection wire?
Is there a Nancy French without the Palins?
Here's the real question. How does Bristol intend to make money off this blog?
How does anyone?
House calls.
Though she will be competing with inflate a date.com
Today we all mom.
And, by the way, Mom… I think you’re more beautiful than any of your impersonators!
Nobody likes a suck-up, Bristol.
Except maybe your mom.
But she doesn't account for much in the world anyway
"And, by the way, Mom… I think you’re more beautiful than any of your impersonators!"
Uh… Tina Fey!! Hello!!
I thought Megs McCainiac was the Melissa Rivers of Politics. Seems to me, Bristol is the Snooki but with less fake tan.
We seriously need to have a tit-off between Bristol and Meghan.
Also, if you haven’t already, fan me on Facebook!
Honey, I might fan you if you were on fire but that's it.
And, by the way, Mom… I think you’re more beautiful than any of your impersonators!
Gotta suck up to the she-grizzly for some more meth money.
My vote goes to Tina Fey
Palin should be thrilled at being played by Julianne Moore, an extraordinarily beautiful woman,.
She would complain about a free meal.
I am not a bad person, I am the perfect example of how well a kid having a kid out of wedlock can go
Ricky Santorum should be denouncing her as the Ho of Baby-lon any minute now.
"…if your mother has a lot of money and connections, and if you're savvy enough to grift. You poors are screwed, though, so stay on the aspirin."
What? Hasn't Nancy French changed her name to Nancy Freedom?
Bris- honey, don't say "snatched up" and don't talk about what you plan to give away for free.
"Have you ever considered Mom could tell that the people surrounding her were exactly the type of people who would betray her?"
Oh yes, she would make a marvelous President.
I can't wait for Nancy's memoir "My Life as Beefalo"
"Whatever happened to loyalty?"
Go ask your mother, ol' Half-Term.
I wonder if Putin can see her blog from Russia…
Will there be tips to keep massive, galomphing thighs that slap together from chafing?
Shut up and go to Aesthetician School already.
Entry 52 –
Today, after mailing the remodeling bills to Anchorage, I took Flipp to get his mohawk.
"Now, I’m mom trying to make a good life for a rambunctious little boy who loves to play hockey and ride on the snow machine."
I realize that Brissie is a witless dullard whose literary talent is limited to "I know you are, but what am I" and "I hate Levi", but geez, that ghostwriter takes talentless lumpen prose in an entirely different direction.
I still say the new Lifetime gig will be the unsellable Bio Channel/Massey brothers show cleaned up, re-edited and spliced together and padded with new exciting footage of her being unwatchably boring in Alaska as well as in LA. Both channels are in the bunch owned by AMC, I believe.
"ride on the snow machine."
If that's a euphemism for sitting on Grandpa Todd's lap, color me horrified.
Nailin Paylin II : Spank me , Daddy !
"I’m thinking of posting a photo of Tripp with a Mohawk"
Punk's not dead.
Yeeeah, absolutely no way she wrote these. The language is such a perfect example of over-crafted, anodyne PRese. To wit: "I hope you consider this blog a way for you to be a part of my life in Alaska without having to put on more layers, buy hand warmers, or wear boots!" Ah, the list-of-three-things rhetorical gimmick! Sorry, no. I have some very smart friends who don't write nearly as well as this.
Perhaps she will divulge her mother's reaction to seeing her brother after he was born: "What have you done to his eyes? YOU MANIACS!"
"He has his Father's eyes."
No, he has Trisomy G. It would appear that I got away with that comment on he-whose-condition-must-not-be-made-fun-of.
Speaking of Mountain Dew, Three Olives Vodka has a new flavor called "Dude." A vodka with Mountain Dew flavoring.
I haven't tasted it, but it must be an abomination.
Does Bristol even realize that single moms are the problem?
I won't be visiting her blog unless it has a Willow-cam.
"We have a “fixer-upper” in Alaska which I’m remodeling, and we’re trying to forge a life for ourselves."
Whatever happened to her $425K Arizona fixer-upper, is what I wanna know
Here is her Alaskan "fixer upper". That girl is so full of BS, just like Mommy! $330.000 fixer upper..yea right!!! http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&a…
i was going to post that very question.
Yeah. She's remodeling. Sure.
And I'm scared of mean girl Meggy McCain.
I find this extremely difficult to masturbate to.
Trust me, that is a good thing.
The spawns from those failed 2008 candidates just won't go away.
Here is Bristols 3,155 sq. ft. $330.000 fixer upper in Alaska. http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&a…
america gets the princess america deserves.
"voted for me when I was on Dancing with the Stars, and snatched up my book to make it a best seller"
Snatched up her book?
More like booked up her snatch, amirite?
"voted for me over and over and over and over again when I was on DWTS, so that they had to revamp the voting system for the next season…"
She left out a few words.
Yes, youamrite.
A friend's annoying relative started a mommy blog when she was blessed with the miracle of a a broken rubber*cough*new life. As I recall, it was mostly about which nipple she used to feed the mistake*cough*baby. I have no reason to think that Bristol's mommy blog would be any more interesting.
"a rambunctious little boy who loves to play hockey and ride on the snow machine"
i.e., an undisciplined little thug whom no one ever has ever read a book to.
But see, the people of Alaska betrayed her, by investigating her abuses of power instead of just letting her get away with it.
When you apply that philosophy to the groinal region, it explains much of Capitol hill.
Business in the front, party in the back. A motto to live by
No joke! See next thread — the dude from Snohomish doesn't sport the hairdo but he lives by the motto, I'd say~
Spellchecker is going to get a helluva workout.
"a contest to name Teh Buttsechs since all the Xtian kids (who don't get any sex ed) were now using it as a form of contraception. [...] Do you know if anyone won that contest?"
I think they were calling it "saddlebacking", after that Saddleback Church that"s Rick Warren's (??) parish.
Red wine with Red Vines,
White wine with Cheetos,
Malibu with meth.
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